3rd Rock from the Sun

From Wikiquote

Jump to: navigation, search

3rd Rock From the Sun was an American television situation comedy that ran from 1996 until 2001. The show was about a "family" of four extraterrestrials that landed on Earth to observe human beings, while pretending (often awkwardly) to be humans.

Contents

[edit] Multiple episodes

Harry: Incoming message from the Big Giant Head.
Dick: I'm gorgeous!
Dick: Family meeting! Family meeting!
Various characters: [to Tommy before his makeover in "Just Your Average Dick"] Cut your hair, you look like a girl!
Mrs. Dubcek: Lovely [insert word here], very nice. [usually said in a sardonic manner]
Mrs. Dubcek: Hi, hi, hi.

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Brains and Eggs

[first lines]
Radio DJ Gary: All right, we're still talking calls on those U.F.O. sightings. I'm on the line with Jennifer who claims to have actually met aliens.
Jennifer: Gary, I have been sucked up by alien spacecraft many times.
Radio DJ Gary: Uh, oh.
Jennifer: And I can tell you, they are among us.
Radio DJ Gary: Really? Now, what do you suppose they want?
Jennifer: Well...they want my eggs! To start their own alien race.
Woman: Don't you people have a home?!
Dick: No, we don't, but thank you for the idea... [turns to his "family"] See, she called us people.
[Sally is wearing a revealing dress at a party]
Nina: [sarcastic] Nice dress.
Sally: I just threw it on.
Nina: Yeah, well, you almost missed.
Harry: Women. You can't live with 'em, and yet they're everywhere.
Harry: Dick, I can't see through my eyelids.
Sally: Open them.
[he opens them]
Harry: Oh, they're manual.
Mary: Will you tell Dr. Solomon he parked in my space again?
Nina: You parked in her space again.
Dick: I know, it was empty.
Mary: Will you tell him I'm going to have him towed?
Dick: Tell her I already have all the toes I need; I am fully-formed.
Nina: What, are you from Mars?
Dick: [incredulously] Mars? Oh, no! [he starts laughing]
Sally: Why am I the woman?
Dick: [after a beat] Because you lost.
Sally: Trust me, Dick, women are trouble. I should know; I've been one for two weeks!
[Dick arrives at a party]
Woman: May I take your coat?
Dick: If I can keep my pants!
Dick: [observing a couple making out] Look, life-forms... and they're cleaning each other.
Dick: Our home for this mission is Earth, a third-rate planet. I got a teaching job at a third-rate university. Now we're looking for a third-floor apartment.
Dick: I think we underestimated the life on this planet. The people have so much courage. Here they are hurling through space on a molten rock at sixty-seven thousand miles an hour and the only thing that keeps them from flying out of their shoes is their misplaced faith in gravity.
Nina: Is your wife out of town?
Dick: Uh, Mrs. Solomon is no longer with us. She...burned up on re-entry.
Nina: I had a boyfriend who used to burn up on re-entry; he walks with a limp now.
Nina: I can pick you up.
Dick: That won't hurt your back?
Mary: That's my parking space!
Dick: Oh, so you have a car.
Mary: For future reference, I have a red Volvo.
Dick: Please, Dr. Albright! We barely know each other.

[edit] Post Nasal Dick

Sally: [after experiencing her first sneeze] Wow!
Dick: What was that?
Sally: I don't know, but I want another one.
Dick: Mary, there's something I have to tell you. I come from another world.
Mary: And this is news?
Dick: [explaining a wedding] The ceremony begins with the bride being given away.
Sally: Excuse me? "Given away?" Like an object? As in "Free girl with every large fries?"
Tommy: Hey, there're free girls? Can I go?
Harry: Fries? Can I go?
Minister: We are gathered here, before God....
Dick: Now, which one of those guys is God?
Mary: Will you be quiet?
Dick: Okay, but be sure to introduce me later, because I want some answers.
[Harry is looking at his autographed picture of Martha Stewart]
Harry: She looks good enough to eat.
[he looks at it and then wolfs it down]
Dick: Nina, are you married?
Nina: No.
Dick: Well, why not? What are you doing wrong?
Nina: You sound just like my mother.
Dick: That must be very confusing for you.
Dick: [reading A Tale of Two Cities] "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." [checks how long the book is] I'm not reading three hundred and eighty-seven pages if he can't make up his mind in the first sentence!
Dick: "This is interesting, my throat tickles."
Harry: "Mine too! You know, I tried using a stick to scratch it... but that just brought a whole new set of problems"
Sally: [to Tommy] This is all your fault! You brought a foreign germ into this house!
Harry: Hey, I've got just as much a right to be here as anyone else.

[edit] Dick's First Birthday

Mary: I think you look distinguished with gray hair.
Dick: Thank you. I think you would look distinguished with gray hair, too.
Mary: No, when men get gray hair, they look distinguished. When women get gray hair, they look old.
Dick: When women get breasts, they look sexy. When men get breasts, they look old.
Mary: Good point!
Dick: [reading the Bible] Man, these people begat their brains out!
Dick: Dr. Albright, have I been a perfect ass?
Mary: Aw, nobody's perfect.

[edit] Dick Is From Mars, Sally Is From Venus

Sally: Isn't there a place where people can have mindless sex with different partners?
Mary: Yes, it's called the '70's.
Sally: Well, how late is it open?
Harry: When can I touch her breasts?
Sally: Right before you die!
Harry: Fair enough.
Sally: You just can't imagine what it feels like, Dick. It's like he reached in...and pulled all the bones out of my body...
[Sally starts crying]
Dick: My God, what are you doing?
Sally: [wipes her tears] Apparently I'm leaking!
[after drinking household chemicals]
Harry: Dick, I've lost all feeling in the left side of my body.
[looks at upside-down can]
Harry: Could someone please call "1-1-6"?
Harry: Dick, I thought of a job for myself. I will catalog the dangers that surround us on this planet. For example...
[Dick slams the car door]
Harry: ...getting your fingers crushed in a car door. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Dick: [reading Dr. Seuss] My God, this man is a genius!
Sally: This is all your fault. I didn't want to be the woman. You made me be the woman.
Dick: You're a decorated veteran. I thought you could handle it.
Sally: Well, I can't. This is hard.

[edit] Dick, Smoker

Harry: By the second day I could hear my inner voice, too.
Tommy: What was it saying?
Harry: I have no idea, I don't speak French.

[edit] Green-Eyed Dick

Jeff: I have time to kill, I'd love to play.
Dick: I have some time to play, I'd love to kill.
[Sally walks into the men's locker room]
Man: Hey, it says "men" on the door!
Sally: And you made the cut?
Dick: [to Jeff] You think you're pretty clever, don't you? I happen to know that every word in your book was published years ago! Perhaps you've read...the dictionary!
Harry: Scruffy and I must kill Ms. Dubchek, and hide her remains under the floorboards.

[edit] Lonely Dick

Tommy: Okay, Onya, I was wondering if you could explain to me this human obsession with youth and why the cosmetics industry perpetuates this self-destructive behavior?
[Tommy and August meet for the first time]
August: I'm August. Don't call me "Augy".
Tommy: I'm Tommy. Don't call me "Augy" either...
Dick: I'm sure you can defeat a simple door lock.
[Tommy breaks through the window with his hand and unlocks the door]
Dick: What are you doing?! Now this is breaking and entering! It's illegal!
Tommy: What'd you expect me to do? Beam you in?

[edit] Body & Soul & Dick

Sally: How would you like your eyes in the bottom of a martini glass, 'cause I can do it?
Dr. Hamlin: [sounding delighted] Oh, the Amazon is going to manhandle me!
Harry: Oh, Dick, we've got cable! Seventy-two channels! And unlike primitive free television this one you get to pay for.

[edit] Ab-Dick-ted

Sally: I'll give you your promotion if you don't say the word "really" in the next sixty seconds.
Harry: Really?
Sally You lose!
Dick: So, no matter how obnoxious you are, how much of a burden you become, you can still count on the forgiveness of your family?
Mary: Yeah.
Dick: Even if they touch your radio and refuse to make smoked chub and disobey your orders not to kill?
Mary: Yeah... even then.
Dick: That is so beautiful!

[edit] Truth or Dick

Harry: Dick, I got my driver's license.
Dick: According to this, you're fifty-five-year-old three-hundred pound Asian woman.
Harry: And an organ donor.
Mrs. Dubcek: Poor kid. I remember what it's like to be your age.
Tommy: I remember what it's like to be yours.
[opera plays on the car radio]
Harry: Dick, remember how I said I wanted to learn to sing? I've changed my mind.

[edit] The Art of Dick

Mary: From suffering comes creativity. You can't spell "painting" without "pain".
Harry: Or "ting".
[Harry is looking for a job offer in the newspaper]
Harry: Here's a job I could do; "Police seek third gunman." Well, tomorrow I'm gonna march over to the police station and tell them that I'm the man they're looking for!
Dick: [talking about art] What makes them strive to create this?
Tommy: Naked women.
Dick: These are not naked women, they're nudes. Nudity is the artist passionate celebration of the human form.
Tommy: [taking an art book] Well, party on!

[edit] Frozen Dick

[Harry explains how he's reorganized the movies at Gung-Ho Videos]
Harry: [refers to one rack] Good movies. [refers to another rack] Bad movies. [refers to the rest of the room] Movies I haven't seen.
Dick: I'm going to make sure Dr. Albright's trip is stress-free, hassle-free and completely without unpleasantness.
Nina: Oh, you're not going?
Sally: How will I reach you in Chicago?
Dick: I'm taking the phone; you know the number.
[Harry is working at a video store]
Customer: Excuse me, where can I find Aliens?
Harry: Nowhere! Not here, that's for sure. Nobody here but us humans. [in a nervous sing-song voice] La, la, la... la, la, la. [a beat] Stop looking at me!
Harry: I got a new job.
Dick: Where?
Harry: At Gung-Ho Videos. My command of the vernacular impressed both "Mr. Gung" and "Mr. Ho".

[edit] Angry Dick

Harry: Who's that smoldering beauty with the fiery eyes?
Mrs. Dubcek: Katie Couric.
Harry: "Katie Couric"... sounds like something beautiful stuck in your throat.
Harry: It's the Garage Mahal.
Patty Muller: I don't envy you having to take care of three men; I only got Frank and he's a full-time job. Just once, I'd like to see that man pick up a sock.
Sally: I'd like to see men put their dirty dishes in the sink.
Patty Muller: I'd like to see them do laundry.
Sally: [deadpan] I'd like to see them crammed between two steel wheels and ground into a fine paste.
Patty Muller: [after a beat] You know, I'd like to see that myself.
Sally: You let me know.
[Frank and Dick have had a fight]
Dick: Why are you suddenly so civil?
Frank Muller: Now we know each other's boundaries. You know my limits, I know your limits, so now we can respect each other.
Tommy: Wait, let me see if I've got this straight. In order to gain each other's respect, you had to resort to violent confrontations. Now doesn't that strike you as stupid?
Frank Muller: [after a beat] Kids, huh?
Dick: They don't understand the world.
Mrs. Dubcek: Of course, I shouldn't talk.
Dick: Well, it's true; your voice is not one of your best assets.
[Sally and Patty are at a supermarket]
Patty Muller: Now, the trick with tomatoes is you've gotta squeeze them. If they're soft, they're ready.
[Sally squishes a tomato in her hand]
Sally: This one's ready.
Dick: Sally, you must learn to cook! How far do you think you'll go with a glamorous body and the intellect of a genius?
Sally: Look, the box had a picture of a chicken on it. I shaked it, I baked it; what else am I supposed to do with it?
Harry: I wish we had a remote. Frank had a remote.
Dick: Well, if you like Frank so much, we don't you go live at Frank's house?
[Harry starts to get up]
Dick: Sit down!
Dick: Pitman, you and Bug are friends.
Pitman: Since second grade.
Bug: We used to trade underwear on sleepovers.
Pitman: Shut up!
Dick: And this friendship whether all obstacles like the presure of dating completely intact?
Bug: Absolutely.
Dick: Even though he obviously thinks you're stupid?
Bug: You think I'm stupid?
Pitman: Only in a good way.
Dick: Leon, do you have any friends in this class?
Leon: Well, sometimes I talk to Caryn.
Dick: So Caryn is your friend?
[Caryn mouths "no"]
Dick: I have a plan.
Sally: Remember, we're not allowed to liquify humans.
Dick: [after a beat] Okay, I have another plan.
[Harry watched the "President Clinton Show" and found it "incredibly dull"]
Harry: Okay, here's my letter: "Dear President Clinton, I've seen your program on TV and I think you need help. Maybe in the next episode, there could be gunfire... or even some explosions. I know I'd like that. Thanks for letting me share my thoughts..." Oh, I almost forgot to include my name and address.
Dick: [in a fit of pique] Fine! We can tell when we're not wanted!
[Dick marches out of the house, but his family remains. After a beat, he reenters]
Dick: [to his family] We're not wanted.

[edit] The Dicks They Are A-Changin'

Mary: They opened a Hard Rock Café in Vietnam. The world's changed, huh?
Dick: It certainly has. Did you know it used to be entirely covered with ice?
Nina: There are only two things I know about the '60's; I wasn't born yet and no one cares. [makes the V sign] Peace.
Mary: Out-of-control, mind-numbing, self-destructive fun. It sounds like a cliché, but I actually remember burning my bra in front of the Lincoln Reflecting Pool.
Dick: I hope you had the good sense to jump in and put yourself out.
Dick: History is made by the individual, not by the masses.
Mary: Who said that?
Dick: I did.
Mary: No, where's that from?
Dick: It's from my mouth.
Mary: [exasperated] No!

[edit] I Enjoy Being A Dick

Tommy: Sally, I got a question for you. We've been on the planet a while now and I've just been wondering if we were to tell someone we cared about where we were actually from, do you think it'd be so dangerous?
Sally: No, not at all, Tommy. In fact I've already told Mrs. Dubcek and the mailman, uh, and a nice guy down at the mini-mall, BECAUSE I WANT US ALL TO DIE LIKE LAB RATS AT THE HANDS OF PRIMITIVE SCIENTISTS!!!
[at a women's study group, Dick kissed Mary while in drag, leading the other women to believe Mary is a lesbian]
Nina: [setting flowers on Mary's desk] These just came for you.
Mary: [to Dick] If you think flowers can repair the damage you have done, you are so wrong!
Nina: They're not from him, they're from Judith.
Dick: You like me.
[Mary angrily squirts him with a water bottle]
Dick: You really like me!
Harry: I want to make the world a better place. I want to give mankind the gift... of electricity.
Tommy: They have electricity.
Harry: Ah, then my work is done!

[edit] Dick Like Me

Dick: "Please, Nina, we're discussing prejudice here, something you know nothing about."
Tommy: "Well, I'm not sure what I did wrong. You see, I'm kind of new at being Korean."
Dick: Nina, what's that on your head?
Nina: It's called a [pronounced dākū; spelling unknown].
Mary: Oh, I think it's beautiful.
Nina: Thank you. It makes me feel connected to my ancestors.
Dick: So that is the traditional headdress of ancient secretaries?
Sally: He asked me dancing, Dick! I get to go dancing! What's dancing?

[edit] Assault With A Deadly Dick

[Sally and Don meet for the first time]
Officer Don: Hello, what can I do for you?
[Sally steps towards him]
Sally: Just let me be near you.
Sally: If I had a gun like that I wouldn't be sitting behind a desk 'till I ran out of bullets.
Dick: Now all I have to do is put this card into an ATM, punch in my secret code: 1, 2 ,3, 4!...(Nina and Mary look up at him troubled as Dick looks back at them distressed) OH NO!! I was never supposed to reveal that code to anyone!
Nina (sarcastically) Ooh...well now you're gonna have to kill us!!
Dick: All right, who ripped the radio out of the dashboard?
Sally: What are you talking about?
Dick: The radio, it's gone.
Sally: Wait a minute...I know what's happened here...you see it all the time on the news...
Dick: Oh, uh...toupees?
Sally: No, crime! We're victims of crime! What are we supposed to do now?
Dick: The radio's gone; I think we all know what we have to do.
[the aliens all start singing]
[at an ATM machine]
Dick: I'll be done, I just want to see what my limit is.
Man: Oh, take your time!
Dick: Look at this, I put the card in and money comes out. Card in, money out. You see this? As much as I want, over and over again. Isn't it amazing?
Man: Yeah. Now give it to me.
Dick: What? Uh, no, no, this is my money, but I'm sure you can have your own card.
Man: Quit foolin' around, I said hand it over!
Dick: No, no, let me explain this to you again. This three hundred dollars is mine, just like the one hundred I just put in my wallet.
[the man mugs Dick]
Dick: What kind of a place is this where you can't wave handfuls of money around in the middle of the night?
Dick: Okay, let's get this straight; I don't care how much it costs, I don't care how difficult it is to accomplish, I want a security system that will guarantee every moment of our lives will be filled with a sense of absolute safety and contentment.
Salesman: That would be the ElectroFort 2000. The alarm connects directly to our command center downtown, where we immediately dispatch trained patrol men to your door.
Sally: I see. I just have one question.
Salesman: Sure.
Sally: Where do I bury my family after the burglars have pumped bullets into their skulls while your guys are strolling over?

[edit] Father Knows Dick

  • Bug: "My father? Very strict. It didn't matter that I was the youngest, when I would act up, he gave me his belt."
    Dick: "You wore the same size?"
    Bug: "No, as punishment he would put me over his knee and give me a whooping."
    Dick: "He gave a 'whoopin' and a belt?"
    Bug: "With a belt."
    Dick: "And then he gave you the belt?"
    Bug: "Um...yeah."
    [Dick looks confused]
  • Harry: "Hey, World, I'm alive. And these pants are washable."
  • [Harry has been talking to a man's girlfriend]
    Man: "Hey! You talkin' to my girl?!"
    Harry: "You don't look old enough to be her father."
  • Dick: "I assure you Harry will not go unpunished! He will sit in his room and think about what he did while you repaint your house."
  • Dick: "You've got a thing in your head."
    Harry: "A thing?"
    Dick: "Cranial micro receiver chip."
    Harry: "In my head."
    Dick: "But it's not in the part you use; it's in your brain."
  • Dick: "What're you watching?"
    Tommy: "Star Wars, it's a movie."
    Dick: "What's all that supposed to be?"
    Tommy: "Outer space, can you believe it?"
    [they both laugh]
  • Dick: "Tomorrow there will be a pop quiz on the effects of thermal dynamics. Remember it's a pop quiz; if you'll study, I'll know!"
  • Sally: "I think it's every little girl's dream to meet her boyfriend's mother."
    Mr. Randall: "I always thought it was to get married."
    Sally: "Mr. Randall, it's only been two days!"
    [pause]
    Sally: "When?"

[edit] Selfish Dick

  • [Sally, Tommy and Harry are pretending to be doctors]
    Sally: "When's our next shift?"
    Harry: "Well, it's hard to say; we're not doctors."
  • Harry: "Let me speak to you, Doctor."
    [Harry and the doctor walk away]
    Harry: "Doctor, this woman's the only sister I've got and if that means having to use your best doctors and nurses...well, I'm just going to have to live with that."
    [he holds out his hand]
    Harry: " Dammit."
  • Harry: "Looks like a burst appendix. Don't let the saline count fool you; I know this man is a diabetic."
    Doctor: "This is a uterus."
    Harry: "You're suspended!"
  • Sally: "I've seen stuff that would make your eyes burst out of your sockets and splatter against the wall...in fact, I've seen that, too."
  • Judith: "Believe me, you will like me. Most people do."
  • Judith: "This is my assistant, my brother Roger."
    Roger: "Please don't shake my hand, I've just washed it."
  • Dick: "A terrible injustice has been done."
    Professor Suter: "What?"
    Dick: [raising his voice] "I said a great injustice has been done!"
    Professor Suter: [annoyed] "I heard you. What's the big injustice?"
    Dick: "Someone has taken something that rightfully belongs to you."
    Professor Suter: "What?"
    Dick: [raising his voice] "I said someone has taken something that rightfully belongs to you!"

[edit] See Dick Run

  • Evil Dick: "I am not Dick. I am your new High Commander. From now on, I shall be referred to as such."
    Harry: "Okay, Such."
  • Evil Dick: "There will be many changes around here. For example, from now on this--" (picks up a gnome) "--will go here." (sets the gnome down in a new spot) "And that is just the first of many...changes."
  • [Dick is locked in an invisible box and feels the walls]
    Dick: "Oh my God! He's turned me into a mime!"
  • Caryn: "Dr. Solomon, are you okay?"
    Dick: "I can't talk about it; it's too personal. Let's just say...I had sex with Dr. Albright."
    [the whole class is disgusted]
    Bug: "Dr. Solomon, we don't need to know about this."
    Dick: "Oh, that's where you're wrong, Bug; you might learn something!"
  • Sally: "You know, I just really resent how we're supposed to jump every time the Big Giant Head sends a message."
    Dick: "I know. Everyone knows he only got the job by kissing the Big Giant Butt."

[edit] Season 2

[edit] See Dick Continue to Run: Part I

  • Evil Dick: "There are two kinds of toilet paper in the bathroom. I, and I alone, get the quilted kind."
  • Tommy: "You work at the university."
    Evil Dick: [smugly] "Ah, so I own the university."
    Tommy: "Well, not so much run as teach a physics class."
    Evil Dick: [outraged] "I'm a teacher?! Were all the janitor's jobs taken?"
  • Evil Dick: "You will go to a barber. I will go to a stylist."
    Tommy: "What? We have so much more hair than you."
    Harry: "Yeah."
    Evil Dick: "You will never mention that again! Do I make myself clear Tommy?"
    Everyone: [hesistantly] "Yes."
  • Evil Dick: "I may open a box of cereal to get the prize, but I do not then have to eat...the cereal."
  • Evil Dick: "You see, I am building the greatest incubator these puny humans have ever known. And when it is completed, I will spawn my own private army of--
    [the crew stares at him apprehensively]
    Evil Dick: "Of...fuzzy easter chicks."

[edit] See Dick Continue to Run: Part 2

  • Evil Dick: "Watch the destruction my little device wreaks on the world you love so well."
    Dick: [outraged] "What have you done to our toaster?!"
  • Dick: "Oh, Mary! You have to get away from here!"
    Mary: "You want me to try to escape?"
    Dick: "Yes!"
    Mary: [pretending to struggle] "'Oh, let me go, let me go!' How's that?"
  • Sally: "She loves you so much, she's upstairs about to have sex with another man."

[edit] Hotel Dick

  • Harry: [to people who haven't yet seen the movie] "Attention, ticket holders! At the end of the movie when the President turns out to be an alien and he barbecues all the Congressmen, don't believe it because aliens hate barbecue!"

[edit] Big Angry Virgin From Outer Space

  • Sally: "The worst part is I'm still a virgin!"
    Mary: "Oh my god, you're a virgin?!"
    Sally: "Yes, it's horrible!"
    Mary: "No, it's perfectly all right for you to save yourself for the right man."
    Sally: "Like you did for Dick?"
    [long pause]
    Mary: "Yes."
  • [Sally and Mr. Randall are about to have sex, but Sally keeps getting cold feet]
    Mr. Randall: "Okay, this wasn't my idea."
    Sally: "Well, it wasn't mine either. It was my family's."
    Mr. Randall: "Your family convinced you to sleep with me?"
    Sally: "Yes. We really think you're worth it."
    Mr. Randall: "What am I? Some kind of experiment?"
    Sally: "You make that sound like a bad thing."
  • Sally: "I think one of us should leave!"
    [pause]
    Sally: "And since this is your apartment, that should probably be me."
  • Tommy: "People change for their lovers all the time. For example, I stopped wearing Old Spice and August stopped telling me to stop wearing Old Spice."

[edit] Much Ado About Dick

  • Dick: "Not in the car, not in the bar, not in the house, not up your blouse, I cannot touch you here or there, I cannot touch you anywhere!"
  • Tommy: "Harry, I need a ride."
    Harry: "Nope."
    Tommy: "You know, I outrank you."
    Harry: "In that case... no, sir!"
  • [Harry is watching "Looney Tunes" and Tommy wants a ride from him]
    Tommy: I'll tell you what; if the Road Runner wins this next one, you take me, but if he doesn't... I'll never ask you again.
    Harry: Okay, you're on. I've seem this next scheme before and it's far too brilliant to fail twice.

[edit] Dick the Vote

  • Harry: "Vote for Harry S. Solomon. The 'S' stands for 'know-how.'"
    [pause]
    Harry: "I'm sorry, ‘snow-how.'"
  • Dick: "So, how many times do I get to vote?"
    Volunteer: "One time."
    Dick: "And it doesn't matter that I'm brilliant?"
    Volunteer: "No."
    Dick: "Have you noticed how tall I am?"
    Volunteer: "We all get one vote."
    Dick: "You mean your opinion counts equally with mine?"
    Volunteer: "You got it."
    Dick: "You're awfully smug for a man who works at a folding table."
  • Dick: "What's the point of having a democracy, if everybody's going to vote wrong?"
  • Gansmiller: "What'll it take for you to drop out of the race."
    Harry: "Well, don't ask me; I'm not the one who makes the decisions."
    Gansmiller: "You don't?"
    Harry: "No, never had, never will; I just sort of follow orders."
    Gansmiller: "Whose orders?"
    Harry: "Well, we sort of have a leader?"
    Gansmiller: "'We?'"
    Harry: "The family."
    Gansmiller: "The family."
    [pause as Gansmiller realizes the implications of this]
    Gansmiller: "Thank you, Solomon, thank you very much."
  • Harry: "Hi, I'm Harry Solomon. A simple mind for a simple people."
  • Gansmiller: [about Harry] "Damn! No past, no experience, no record...the perfect candidate."
  • Officer Don: "Your brother is playing with matches and that's how fires start."
    Sally: "I know my way around a hose."

[edit] Fourth and Dick

  • [Tommy is romantically interested in his glee club teacher]
    Tommy: "I'm sure there's some way we could work this out."
    Miss Frost: "No, Tommy, there is no way...and I'm not just talking legally."
  • Dick: "Badgers don't suck! They bite!"
  • Sally: "Hey, buy us a couple of beers?"
    Man: "Sure."
    [he hands Sally and Nina two beers]
    Man: "So, you girls going to the big game?"
    Sally: "We don't want to talk to you; we're just broke."
    [they take the beers and leave]
  • [the crowd is cheering at a football game]
    Harry: [as a security guard] "Hey! Whoa, whoa! Let's keep it down!"
  • Dick: "Sine, cosine, cosine, sine, three-point-one-four-one-five-nine!"
  • Pitman: "Dr. Solomon, you've insulted my intelligence, my religion and my family. And that's okay, but there's one thing you can't insult and that's the Badgers."
  • Dick: "Ah, yes, the 'big game.' God forbid your intellectual development should get in the way of the 'big game.' The fate of humanity rests on the outcome of the 'big game.'"
    Bug: "Is he being sarcastic?"

[edit] World's Greatest Dick

  • Tommy: "I've got to be in a regular school; one with metal detectors and pregnant cheerleaders."
  • Nina: "Don't put bumper stickers on my car."
    Dick: "What makes you think it was me?"
    Nina: "'I am the proud secretary to the father of the smartest kid at Pickney?'"
    [pause]
    Dick: "It may have been me."

[edit] My Mother The Alien

  • [Mrs. Dubcek wants the aliens to babysit her grandson]
    Mrs. Dubcek: "He's had his nap and he's just been changed."
    Sally: "What was he before?"
  • Mrs. Dubcek: "He's got teeth coming in."
    Harry: "Well, don't worry; we'll sign for them."
  • [Mary has agreed to let Dick take care of her fish]
    Dick: "I have fish, you know."
    Mary: "Really?"
    Dick: "They're in my freezer."
  • Mary: "Now, the pump and the filter are automatic - don't touch them."
    Dick: "Well, what if I need to touch them?"
    Mary: "Why should you need to touch them?"
    Dick: "Well, what if I want to touch them?"

[edit] Gobble, Gobble, Dick, Dick

  • Dick: [explaining Thanksgiving] "It's a national holiday."
    Tommy: "What, like Big Giant Head Day?"
    Dick: "Similar...except that no one gets thrown into the sun."
  • [Tommy picks up two pool balls, holds them in the air and then drops them so they land back on the table]
    Tommy: "Excuse me, this game's not three-dimensional, is it?"
  • Sally: We were at the store, and the place was a madhouse. People were cramming everything they could into their carts, especially these giant balls of butter. I got one for each of us.

[edit] Dick Jokes

  • Tommy: "Okay, could you give me an example of what's funny?"
    August: "I thought the movie Emma was very funny."
    Tommy: "What was so funny about it?"
    August: "It was full of irony."
    Tommy: "Okay, so irony's funny?"
    August: "Yeah, because you say one thing while the opposite is actually true."
    Tommy: "Oh, like when you said Emma was going to be a really great movie when it actually sucked out loud?"
  • Dick: "Nina, show everyone how you put the 'ass' in 'assistant.'"
  • [Dick is trying to be a stand-up comedian]
    Dick: "I'm gonna tell you some jokes. Joke 1: 'I went fishing last week. My permit said I could only catch five. Oh, I caught five all right...as in thirty-five!'"
    [Harry laughs, but no one else does]
    Sally: "Is that funny?"
    Tommy: "No, no, no, no."
    Dick: "But you know...potstickers, what are they all about?"
    [Harry laughs, but no one else does]
    Dick: "Uh, okay, Joke Number 2: 'Some termites...I mean huge termites ate my house last night!'"
    [Harry starts to laugh, but he stops]
    Dick: "It's gone, it's gone completely gone! Uh...that's it, that's the joke."
    Tommy: "Really sucked."
    Sally: "Really."
    [everyone starts to leave]
    Dick: "Wait, wait, where are you going? Uh, hey, look!
    [Dick pulls a bald man's toupee off his head]
    Dick: "A bald guy, am I right?"
    [Harry laughs, but no one left in the room does]
  • Harry: "I lost more than a coat, Tommy. I lost a friend - a buddy - a companion who kept me warm when it was cold and warmer when it was kind of too hot to be wearing a coat."

[edit] Jolly Old St. Dick

  • Dick: "Who needs Christmas anyway? I say 'bug humbar.'"
  • Nina: "You know, this is the only time of year I like White music."

[edit] Proud Dick

  • [Harry, having lost his memory and "discovered" the rest of his family are aliens, is calling for help]
    Harry: [on the phone] "I'm at 417 Pensdale Road and I am surounded by aliens! I need to talk to the President of the United States."
    [pause]
    Harry: "Yeah, I know I need help; that's why I'm calling, hello."
  • [the family is running low on money]
    Sally: "Prepare yourselves for a 'fancy feast.'"
    Dick: "Wait, can we afford that?"
    Sally: "Yes, we can. At a back aisle I found these unbelievable savings; tuna, liver and new seafood blend for you finicky types."
    Tommy: "Wait, you're feeding us cat?"
    Sally: "It's not cat, Tommy, it's salmon. There's just a picture of a cat on the label."
  • Dick: "I made the front page of The Daily Badgerian again."
    Tommy: "What's it say?"
    Sally: "'Physics professor calls Einstein 'idiot'; proclaims self much smarter.'"
  • Harry: "Thank you for seeing me, Father. I didn't know where else to turn."
    Priest: "Well, that's...why they pay me the big bucks."

[edit] Romeo & Juliet & Dick

  • Officer Don: "Hamlet? The story is as old as time: Pretty boy son has a rich daddy and a good-looking mommy. The uncle knocks off daddy, marries mommy and he cuts pretty boy out of the action. So junior goes crazy and he kills them all. Not a pretty story...but there it is."
    Tommy: "Isn't that the plot to The Lion King?"
  • Tommy: "Remind me never to ask you for another favor again!"
    Dick: "You weren't right for the role."
    Harry: "Hey, how'd the audition go?"
    Tommy: "I lost the part. The Di-rec-tor didn't think I was good enough!"
    Dick: "You were good: you had delivery, presence, timing, you just didn't have that indefinable something extra."
    Tommy: "I was just trying to score some points with my girlfriend, is that too much to ask?"
    Dick: "Romeo and Juliet is a Shakespearian tragedy, it has nothing to do with a horny teenager and his girlfriend!"
  • Dick: "Now everyone, watch again as I act out the play in its entirty. Nina?"
    Nina: "Curtain rises. A big, pompous blowhard flounces onto the stage."
  • Dick: [reading the review of the play in the school newspaper] "Dick Solomon's over-the-top performance..."
    [he looks up with a smile and then continues]
    Dick: "...gave new meaning to the word 'tragedy.' Ah, I have redefined my art!"

[edit] Guilty as Dick

  • Mary: "Have a little compassion, Sally. We're healthy; we have to help him."
    Sally: "I say he's lame. Shoot him."
  • [Tommy is selling chocolate door-to-door and he encounters a priest at one door]
    Tommy: "Hi, Father, I'm selling chocolate so the high-school band can go to Washington...and learn about Christianity...so they can become priests."
    [the priest closes the door in Tommy's face]
    Tommy: "Fine then; they'll stay here in Rutherford and worship Satan!"

[edit] A Dick on One Knee

  • Michel: "You see, I would like to stay very much, but your government isn't so nice."
    Sally: "Except for Abraham Lincoln, right?"
  • Sally: "It's what women are supposed to do; get married, have babies, hire total strangers to raise them and then wonder where they went wrong."
  • Nina: "They're getting married; that's so romantic!"
    Mary: "She just met him!"
    Nina: "I wish I'd've met him first."
    Mary: "Dick, how can she do this?"
    Dick: "Sally said it herself; she's fulfilling her purpose as a woman."
    Mary: "Not every women thinks her life is incomplete until she gets a man."
    Dick: "Well, hasn't your life gotten better since you met me?"

[edit] Same Old Song and Dick

  • Sally: "You could never handle my job."
    Harry: "I could do it with my eyes closed!"
    Tommy: "You do everything with your eyes closed."
  • Dick: "I want ceaseless joy and never-ending passion like Romeo and Juliet."
    Mary: "They both wound up dead."
    Dick: "Antony and Cleopatra."
    Mary: "Dead."
    Dick: "That couple from Wuthering Heights."
    Mary: "Insane and dead."
    Dick: "F. Scott Fitzgerald and Zelda."
    Mary: "Drunk, insane and dead."
    Dick: "Tristan and Isolde."
    Mary: "Abgeschossen."
    Dick: "Aha, Siegfried and Roy."
    Mary: "Okay, one."

[edit] I Brake for Dick

  • Mary: "Just be glad you're at the top of the food chain and nothing eats you."
    Dick: "What about the shark in Jaws? He was so scary."
  • Tommy: "Okay, August, do you want me to ask you to do the dance?"
    August: "Are you asking me the dance?"
    Tommy: "I'm asking you whether you want me to ask you to the dance."
    [pause]
    Tommy: "Okay, August, do you want to go to the dance?"
    August: "That depends. Are you just asking me because I'm mad at you?"
    Tommy: "Yes."
    August: "Don't bother."
  • Tommy: [about August] "I don't understand her."
    Sally: "What's to understand? Kill her and get a new one."
    Harry: "Oh, no, you can't do that. You've got to get a new one and then you kill her."
  • Sally: "‘The Official Boy Scouts' Guidebook.' Who're the Boy Scouts?"
    Harry: "They're an elite, prepubescent, paramilitary society and I'm going to follow their ways."
    Sally: "But Harry, you're neither elite nor prepubescent."
    Harry: "All in good time, Sally...all in good time."
    [Sally hits an ant with the The Official Boy Scouts' Guidebook]
    Harry: "Hey!"
    Sally: "It's these ants, they're everywhere!"
    Harry: "Well, you can't kill 'em; I'm breeding 'em!"
    [pause]
    Sally: [sarcastic] "Oh, that makes sense."
    Harry: "I'm going for my merit badge in insect husbandry."
    Sally: "So you've turned my kitchen into an ant farm?!"
    Harry: "No, the ant farm is under your bed. The kitchen is more a lounge area."
  • Dick: "It's past six. My chipmunk is in pain. I don't understand why he has to have this pain. All he had to do was hold out until six and it's past six! My chipmunk is in pain, can't you understand that!"
    Doctor: "You're going to have to behave yourself."
    Dick: "GIVE MY CHIPMUNK THE SHOT!" [This is a reference to the film Terms of Endearment, which John Lithgow appeared in]
  • Sally: "A chipmunk? What, like one of those Disney rats?"

[edit] Dick Behaving Badly

  • Harry: [while playing Monopoly] "Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200 and do not, I repeat do not drop the soap."
  • [Harry is advising Dick on how to be 'manly']
    Dick: "What about scratching?"
    Harry: "Outside the pants: manly."
    Dick: "What about inside the pants?"
    Harry: "...too manly."
  • Dick: [trying to be a "real man"] "Hey, Judith, do those fries come with soup?"
    [Judith turns to Mary]
    Judith: "I'd sue him if I knew what he was talking about."
  • Mary: "Dick, it'll be a long time before I let you back into my life, much less my home."
    [Mary closes the door in his face]
    Man #1: "Mary, we're about to play A.P.C."
    Mary: "A.P.C.?"
    Man #2: "Astrophysics charades."
    [Mary runs back to the door and opens it again]
    Mary: "All right, you've waited long enough."
  • Nina: "That woman's got you wrapped around her finger like a yo-yo...and she's always walking the dog."
  • Dick: "I'm tired of feeling like a Catholic schoolboy always getting his knuckles rapped by the nun he's dating."
  • Mary: "I'd invite you in, but there's nobody taking their clothes off in here...but at this point anything would help."

[edit] Dickmalion

  • Dick: "What's going on?"
    Nina: "Oh, she's having a big affair."
    Dick: "What? You tramp!"
    Mary: "Dick, it's a catered affair."
    Dick: "You're cheating on me and your diet?"
  • Tommy: "I am now the coolest punk in school."
    Dick: "Well, congratulations. What did you do?"
    Tommy: "I got suspended for setting off the fire alarm."
    Dick: "They suspended you? You saved hundreds of lives."
    Tommy: "That's the best part; there was no fire."
    Dick: "Tommy, this is outrageous. The next time you set off the fire alarm, you'd damn well better start a fire first!"
  • Dick: "I don't mean to panic anyone, but I'm afraid the calamari has been infested with baby squid."
  • Dick: "Why do they call it bacon? You don't bake it, you fry it. Why the devil can't they call it 'frycon?'"
  • Tommy: [reading Lorna's poetry] "Death signed my yearbook. 'Have a good summer,' he wrote, 'see you next year.' And then I noticed it wasn't my yearbook he signed; it was my tombstone."
    Lorna: "What do you think?"
    Tommy: "I like it. I especially like the surprise ending here."
    Lorna: "You are the first one to get the irony."

[edit] Sensitive Dick

  • Dick: "You're not family, GET OUT!"
  • Dick: "Alright people, due to your staggering ineptitude...I'm issuing the following assignment. You will write a five page letter to your parents apologising for wasting their money...and bring a stamp dammit, I'm not a post office!"
  • Dick: "Where would we be without the agitators of the world to attach the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance?"
  • Sensitivity Instructor: "Hooray, for personal growth! Today we're going to learn how to breath, how to listen and how to say 'I have a personality disorder.'"
    Dick: "Bite me."
    Sensitivity Instructor: "Dick, I hear you. Can you hear me?"
    Dick: "Yes, you're the annoying guy in the unitard."
    Sensitivity Instructor: "Dick...labels disable."
  • Judith: "We will now deliberate and return with a guilty verdict."
  • Dick: "I don't need sensitivity training...you strident, power-mad tart!"
  • Judith: "After reviewing all the testimony, the disciplinary committee unanimously votes to admonish Dr. Solomon."
    Dick: "What's that mean?"
    Judith: "You're officially admonished."
    Dick: "Does that come with a pay cut?"
    Judith: "No, but if there's another violation, you will be censured."
    Dick: "Does that come with a pay cut?"
    Judith: "No, but if that fails to stop you, you will be sanctioned, which means a thirty day suspension."
    Dick: "With pay?"
    Judith: "Yes, with pay."
    Dick: "Well, that sounds pretty good. Could I be sanctioned right now?"
    Judith: "No, we're adjourned."
  • Mary: [on the phone] "Happy birthday, Dad. Of course, I remembered. How's the chest pains?"
    Dick: [pressing the switch hook button] "Mary, do you think I'm insensitive?"
    Mary: "Dick, you just hung up on my father!"
    Dick: "Now don't try to change the subject."
  • Sally: [about Tommy] "You can't give him the keys; he can't drive."
    Tommy: "How do you know? I've never tried it; I could be great at it."

[edit] Will Work For Dick

  • Mary: "Does this mean you've come to your senses and you're going to apologize to Nina?"
    Dick: "No, I will never come to my senses!"
  • Dick: "Harry, did I get any phone calls?"
    Harry: "Oh, yes, it rang repeatedly."
    Dick: "And...who called?"
    Harry: "Well, I don't know, Dick, I'm not clairvoyant."
  • Harry: "Well, I can't take it anymore. I quit."
    Dick: "You can't quit; you're fired!"
    Harry: "NOOOO!"
  • Harry: "Yessir, I'm the new guy! You know, at first no one likes the new guy. People feel threatened by the new guy, but other people...are secretly attracted to the new guy."
  • [Sally and Tommy are playing with Barbie and Ken dolls]
    Sally: [as Barbie] "So, Ken, what d'you want to do today?"
    Tommy: [as Ken] "Hmm, nothing that involves bending my knees or elbows."
    Sally: [as Barbie] "Well have a nice day at work!"
    Tommy: [as Ken] "Oh I will, and while there, I'll earn 25% more than you because I'm a man."
    Sally: [as Barbie] "That’s not fair; I'm gonna sue you in Malibu Dream Court."
  • Dick: "Nina, you're paid to do my bidding."
    Nina: "I was never paid to work for you."
    Dick: "What?"
    Nina: "I am Dr. Albright's assistant--when you showed up, they doubled my workload and the only raise I got was the privilege of working for you."
    Dick: "I think you're starting to take that privilege a little for granted."
  • Mary: [derisively] "Oh, Barbie! Perfect hair, perfect body, legs up to her neck! Who grows up to look like that?"
    Nina: "Yeah, who?"
    Sally: "Yeah, who?"
    [Mary and Nina stare blankly at Sally]

[edit] Fifteen Minutes of Dick

  • Tommy: "Sally, they want you to appear on Good Afternoon, Rutherford."
    Harry: "That's my second-favorite show!"
    Dick: "What's your first-favorite?"
    Harry: "Good Morning, Rutherford."

[edit] Dick and the Single Girl

  • Dick: "Can we take more than one?"
    Nina: "Take as much as you want! Nobody's going to be at this thing."
    Mary: "Don't be so insensitive."
    Nina: [to Dick] "Yeah, shame on you!"

[edit] A Nightmare on Dick Street: Part 1

  • Sally: "Don, what happens to people? Are they born mad or do one day their minds just snap?"
    Officer Don: "If only we knew, Sally. One minute little Johnny Normal is on his paper route and the next there's a pile of dead bank guards and Johnny is using Grandma as a human shield."

[edit] A Nightmare on Dick Street: Part 2

  • [Dick and Sally are doped out on antidepressants]
    Sally: "I like TV."
    Dick: "Me too. Let's say we turn it on."
    [he turns it on]
    Sally: "It's even better on."

[edit] Season 3

[edit] Fun with Dick and Janet: Part 1

  • Dick: "Oh, Mary! I've had one of those terrible dreams again! We were getting married!"
    Mary: "Oh."
    Dick: "No, that's the good part. Then, my family showed up."
    Mary: "Oh, and they objected?"
    Dick: "Well...they had issues."
    Mary: "Don't worry. I wrote a speech in case that happens. Well, it's just two words. One of them's 'off.'"

[edit] Fun with Dick and Janet: Part 2

  • Dick: "Well, at least there's still the three of us."
    [pause]
    Dick: "Wait a minute, didn't there used to four of us?"
    Harry: "Oh, that reminds me; Officer Don called. Tommy's in jail."

[edit] Tricky Dick

  • Dick: "Women."
    Tommy: "Women."
    Officer Don: "Women."
    Harry: [high-pitched voice] "Women!"
    Dick: "You can't live with 'em and you can't have heterosexual sex without 'em."
    Harry: "That's probably true."
  • Dick: Women always act so adult, but just like that they'll sink all the way down to your level.
  • [Don is wearing tights as part of a medieval outfit]
    Tommy: "You've got to show Sally who wears the pants."
    Officer Don: "You're right."
    [he stands]
    Officer Don: "I wear the pants!"
  • [Mary and Sally are breathing in and out at a yoga class]
    Mary: "Isn't this great exercise?"
    Sally: "Yeah, I haven't had this hard a workout since the last time I went breathing."
  • Dick: "This rock and roll music has got to stop!"
    Kid: "Why?"
    Dick: "Because it's loud and rhyhmic. And rhythm can lead to dancing. Rock and roll music preaches a gosspel of easy sexuality and relaxed morality and I will not endorse an enterprise that is as fraught with peril as I beileve this one to be!" [this is based on a sermon John Lithgow gave as Reverend Shaw Moore in the film Footloose]
  • Harry: "Can I be your roadie? Can I?"
    Tommy: "So you want to lug around heavy equipment while we treat you like dirt?"
    Harry: "Yeah...plus I get my pick of the less attractive women."
  • Kid: "This isn't about counting songs, Solomon. This is about the music."
    Tommy: "Well, as far as I'm concerned, this is about impressing August and one song ain't gonna cut it."
  • Kid: "Since when are you in the band?"
    August: "Tommy, tell them."
    Tommy: "Tell them what? You're not in the band."
    August: "Well, if that's how you feel about it...I quit the band!"
  • Dick: "I'm going to be the biggest adult in this whole stupid office!"

[edit] Dick-In-Law

  • Dick: "I want to make a good impression on Mary's parents."
    Sally: "Mary Albright‘s parents?"
    Tommy: "They're still alive?"
    Sally: "My God, they must be so old!"

[edit] Scaredy Dick

  • [Harry is dressed as an alien for Halloween]
    Mrs. Dubcek: "Oh, Harry, you're an alien."
    Harry: "NO, I'M NOT! I mean, yes I am."
  • [Dick goes to a Halloween party as a pirate]
    Partygoer: "Ahoy, matey. Where are your buccaneers?"
    Dick: "Under my buckin' hat."
  • Dick: "Intelligent people don't beileve in ghosts."
    Harry: "They don't beileve in aliens either."
  • Harry: "Dick, in order to brave, you must first become afraid, for true courage lies in the overcoming of fear; not in its absence."
    Dick: "That's beautiful. Who said that?"
    Harry: "Blue Power Ranger."
  • [Harry is watching television on Halloween night while spooky sound effects play in the background]
    Harry: Oh, I can't watch this! This is too scary for me!
    [he turns off the TV, but the spooky sound effects continue]
    Harry: Wait... if that sound's not coming from the TV, it can mean only one thing... [a beat] No harm in watching a little TV.
    [he switches the TV back on]

[edit] Moby Dick

  • [Dick is putting on a corset to become thinner]
    Sally: "What's that?"
    Dick: "It's called the 'Shatner.'"
  • [Sally is talking to her plant]
    Sally: "You hungry? Oh, I know you--you wouldn't say anything if you were."
    [she pours some of her coke into the pot]
    Sally: "You're so nice. You're not at all arrogant or demanding like most people I know."
    Tommy: "You must be bored out of your mind."
    Sally: "Actually, I'm not."
    Tommy: "I was talking to the plant."
  • Dick: "My body is merely the vehicle that moves my brain around...and my brain deserves a smooth, luxurious ride."

[edit] Eleven Angry Men and One Dick

  • Dick: "You want the truth? You want the truth? Well, I can't handle the truth!"
  • Dick: "Well, Foster said he didn't do it. Are you calling him...and his attorney...a liar?"
  • Dick: "Then what did he do with the money?"
    Juror: "He supported a mistress and her child--we heard that testimony."
    Dick: "Listen to you! In an age where most men can't support one family, this man supported two! Send him to jail? Let's send him to Congress!"
  • Juror: "Ten 'guilty,' eleven 'guilty'...once again, one 'not guilty.'"
    Dick: "'Not guilty' it is then."
  • Sally: [imitating Cockney accent] "Dick, trial over?"
    Dick: "Eliza?"
  • Dick: "Oh, look at him. How much more guilty can you get? I mean, he's got a gun!"
    Juror: "That's the bailiff."
  • [Jury selection]
    Lawyer: "Do you have any preconceived ideas about big rig trucks?"
    Dick: "Yes, I think that anyone who drives one is guilty!"
    Lawyer: "You're excused."
    Dick: "...guilty of bringing the world joy! I love big rigs!"
  • Dick: "Maybe you'll all change your tune when you hear about something called...'reasonable doubt.'"
    Juror #1: "What's the point?"
    Dick: "The point is its reasonable to assume Foster used the money to pay for his daughter's life-threatening operation."
    Juror #2: "No, it isn't."
    Juror #3: "He doesn't have a daughter."
    Juror #1: "It's not reasonable doubt if you just make things up!"
  • [Jury selection]
    Lawyer #1: "Do you believe everything you read in the newspaper?"
    Dick: "No, of course not."
    Lawyer #1: "Thank you, you're excused."
    [Later]
    Lawyer #2: "Do you believe everything you read in the newspaper?"
    Dick: "Yes, every last word. The newspaper is my Bible."
    Lawyer #2: "Thank you."
    Dick: "You're welcome."
    Lawyer #2: "You're excused."
    Dick: "All right, now it's personal."
  • [Jury selection]
    Prosecuting lawyer: "Do you believe everything you read in the newspaper?"
    Dick: "Yes! No! I don't what I believe anymore! You tell me what to believe and I'll do it!"
    Prosecuting lawyer: "He's fine with me."
    Defense lawyer: "Me, too."

[edit] A Friend in Dick

  • Dick: "I'm not finger-pointing..."
    [points at Mary]
    Dick: "...but it's YOUR fault! YOU!"

[edit] Seven Deadly Clips

  • Tommy: "This ice cream is delicious."
    Harry: [looking at the box] "Actually, it's ‘sinfully delicious.' I would gladly go to Hell for a pint of this."
  • Sally: "This stuff is just pissin' me off!"
    Tommy: "You know, that's another one of the seven deadly sins."
    Sally: "What? Pissing me off? Aww."
    Tommy: "No, anger."

[edit] Tom, Dick and Mary

  • Dick: "Mary is too old for you."
    Tommy: "I'm older than you."
    Dick: "Well, then, you're too old for her. Either way, it won't work."
    Tommy: "I make her laugh, Dick. She likes it."
    Dick: "You shut your foul mouth!"
  • Harry: "...Now quit your bitchin', and get out of the kitchen!"
  • Dick: "Nina, who is this 'Tom' that Mary keeps talking about?"
    Nina: "I don't know, and it's none of my business."
    Dick: "It's none of my business and I'm obsessed with it!"
    Nina: "That's typical. Why is it that men think that when you plant the flag, you own the mountain."
    Dick: "I spent two years climbing that mountain, and I'm not about to let some guy yodel on it!"
  • Harry: "Hey, the TV's off!"
    Dick: "I know, I turned it off."
    Harry: "Well, but now it's...off."
  • Mary: "Most people dismiss non-literate cultures."
    Tommy: "Well, we live in one."
  • August: "Your son is impossible."
    Dick: "And you're a pain in the ass, you're made for each other!"
  • Carl Webber: "Sally, it's casual friday. Why are you wearing a bra?"
  • Harry: [thinking to the tune of the Jeopardy! "thinking" music] "Thinking, thinking, thinking hard. I know what the answer is. I, no that can't be. I'm so wrong. I guess it's Mao, but it's B. D. Wong."
    Mrs. Dubcek: [also thinking to the tune of the Jeopardy! "thinking" music] "Thinking, thinking, thinking hard. What's the use I've burned too many brain cells. Maybe I'll just fantasize; look at Alex and...close...my...eyes."
  • August: "I'm meeting Kevin at the mall. You want to come?"
    Tommy: "Sure, that'd be great! Me, my old girlfriend and her new boyfriend cruising the food court, splitting a hot pretzel? No!"

[edit] Jailhouse Dick

  • Officer Don: "Here, sign this."
    Eddie: "What is it?"
    Officer Don: "Oh, it just absolves us of any wrongdoing in arresting you without reason and without any evidence. It's standard."
    Eddie: "I'll have my lawyer look at it."

[edit] 36! 24! 36! Dick!: Part 2

  • Prell: [to Tommy on Mascha's comlink] "Put on some makeup; you look like a boy." [see also: multiple episodes]
  • [around Superbowl season]
    Harry: "Tell me what you've done to Sally. Where are you taking her?"
    Mascha: "I can't. I wish I could."
    Harry: "Can't you give me a hint?"
    Mascha: "All right... We're going to do something this weekend...in San Diego."
    Harry: "Why can't you give me hint?"
    Mascha: "We're going to do something on Sunday...in San Diego."
    Harry: "Just one clue?"
    Mascha: "We're going to something on SUNDAY...in SAN DIEGO...at a STADIUM."
    Harry: "Just one tiny clue?"
    Mascha: "The Superbowl, Harry!"
    Harry: "WORK WITH ME, BABY! WHICH SUPERBOWL?"
  • Tommy: "We don't have cell phones; we're from Ohio!"
  • Harry (to Tommy and Dick): Boys, we're going to San Francisco!
    Mascha: San Diego!
    Harry: San Diego!

[edit] Pickles and Ice Cream

  • Dick: "Nina, take my car to the garage and rotate my tires."
    Nina: "That's not in my job description."
    Dick: "What is in your job description?"
    Nina: "Typing."
    Dick: "Okay, well, type it into your job description and get my tires rotated."
  • Dick: [on the phone] "That's an awful lot of money to repair a pair of high-heeled shoes. Well, yes, I realize they're big...no, they're not mine!"
    [Officer Don, who thinks Sally is pregnant, enters the room]
    Dick: "Well, it's my sister's problem. Why don't you talk to her?"
    [Dick hangs up and turns to Don]
    Dick: "What brings you here?"
    Officer Don: "Sally's...'problem.'"
    Dick: "Well, it's no big deal; it's just going to cost me a lot of money."
    Officer Don: "Do you know who's responsible?"
    Dick: "Of course. Harry watched the whole thing happen. His best friend did it."
    Officer Don: "Not Pickles?"
    Dick: "That's him."
    Officer Don: "Oh, I knew there was something was wrong with that guy!"
  • [Nina has just found that Sally is "pregnant"]
    Nina: "How did it happen?"
    Officer Don: "How do you think it happened?"
  • Mary: "I think it's unfair that you demand Sally do whatever you want as if you were...king of the universe!"
    Dick: "Oh, please! We look nothing alike."
  • Harry: "C'mon, I'll walk him and feed him and bathe him."
    [pause]
    Harry: "Well, not bathe him."

[edit] Auto Erodicka

  • Sally: "Don't listen to him, he's just a kid."
    Salesman: "Oh, don't worry. I used to be a kid myself... a long time ago."
    [he laughs]
    Salesman: "Say there, sport, you like girls?"
    Tommy: "Yeah. Sorry."

[edit] Portrait of Tommy as an Old Man

  • [Harry has taken over Tommy's job as Information Officer]
    Dick: "Harry, write this down. I need you to find a place —"
    Harry: "W-w-wait." [writing] "I...need...you...to...find..."
    Dick: "Harry, forget writing it down. Just memorize it. I need you to find —"
    Harry: "W-w-wait." [puts his finger to his forehead] "I...need...you...to...find..."
    Dick: "Harry, forget memorizing it. Just listen to me. I need you to find a place for Mary to sing. Harry?"
    Harry: "Oh, sorry, I was thinking about cake."

[edit] Stuck with Dick

  • Officer Don: "Albright's silent alarm went off."
    Harry: "Well I didn't hear anything."
  • Dick: [panicked] "We're locked in! We could he here all night — all alone — just the two of us!"
    [realizes what this means and then turns to Mary]
    Dick: [suavely] "We're locked in. We could he here all night — all alone — just the two of us."
  • Dick: [shouting] "Hello!"
    Echo: "Hello...hello..."
    Dick: "Did you hear that? There are other people here." [shouting again] "We're trapped!"
    Echo: "We're trapped...we're trapped..."
    Dick: "Dammit, they're trapped, too! Well, it's every man for himself."
  • Suzie Martin: "Hi, you must be Mary Albright."
    Sally: "Uh...yeah. Otherwise I'd be this strange person that broke in and was hanging around even though the police told me to leave."
  • Dick: "The library’s closed on Saturday?"
    Mary: "Dick, this — is — not — a — good — school!"
  • Officer Don: "Has anyone broken in?"
    Tommy: "Well, nobody's broken in since we broke in."
    Officer Don: "Wait a minute, you broke in?"
    Sally: "What, you think Albright gave us the key?"
    Officer Don: "Well, breaking and entering...that's a crime."
    [Sally, Harry and Tommy stare at him blankly]
    Officer Don: "You shouldn't be here! I should arrest you!"
  • Nina: "Where's Dr. Albright?"
    Tommy: "Well, we're not sure, but we think she's having sex with Dick in an unknown location."
    Nina: "Oh my God, what is she thinking?"
    Tommy: "What's she thinking? What is he thinking?"
    Nina: "Okay, can we just agree they're both freaks?"
    Tommy: "Yeah!"

[edit] My Daddy's Little Girl

  • George Albright: [entering Mary's office] "Mary."
    Mary: "Daddy!"
    George Albright: "Hey there, magpie."
    Mary: "What a nice surprise."
    George Albright: "Well, not really...I've left your mother."
    Mary: "Again?"
  • Eddie: "Just a couple of rules: don't curse and don't spill nothing and if you spill something, don't curse."

[edit] The Physics of Being Dick

  • Harry: "You know, Dick, when life gives you lemons, just shut up and eat the damn lemons."
  • Dick: "How about a new strategy. What about "sad cop, slightly effeminate cop"?"
  • Dick: "Guns don't kill people, physics kills people!"
  • [at career day]
    Officer Don: "Sorry I'm late, kids, but I was just involved in one of the world's scariest police chases."
    Kid: "How did it end?"
    Officer Don: "The guy got away."
    [dejected groans]
    Officer Don: "But, I rolled my car!"
    [cheers]

[edit] Just Your Average Dick

  • Tommy: "There's my Grisham!"
  • August: "Okay, my family came to America in 1852 on a Dutch schooner. How about yours?"
    Tommy: "Well, um, my great-grandfather, uh...escaped from the Nazis through the Alps with his family and their singing nanny."
    August: "Uh, Tommy."
    Tommy: "Yeah."
    August: "That's The Sound of Music."
    Tommy: "Yeah, I know. And don't think that we're not suing!"
  • Sally: "It says here the average American uses 4.1 pounds of butter a year."
    Tommy: "Orally?"
  • Tommy: "Statistically, at least one of us should be divorced by now."
    Harry: "Oh, I want that one!"
    Tommy: "And ten percent of us should be gay."
    [Dick, Sally and Tommy all look at Harry]
    Harry: "That's not why we got divorced."
  • [August tosses a coke can in the trash]
    Harry: "Hey, don't throw that away!"
    [Harry takes the can out of the trash]
    August: "Oh, why? Do you recycle?"
    Harry: [holding the can] "No, I'm trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for the world's biggest can collection."
    August: "How many do you have?"
    Harry: "So far...just the one."
  • Mary: "You and your family...I know you mean well, but sometimes it's like being around the Addams Family."
    Dick: "Well, I admit John Adams' views of a strong central government may have been ahead of their time —"
    Mary: "That's not who I meant!"
    Dick: "John Quincy Adams?! You're comparing me to that freak show?!"
  • Harry: "Hey, I've seen this before! This is stain-resistant carpet, watch."
    [Harry pours the entire contents of a coke can on the carpet and wipes it with his foot, but nothing happens]
    Harry: "That's a good place for a chair."
  • Sally: "I'm part of a community--a community that embraces wholesome, American values. And if you cross us...we will destroy you."
  • [Tommy walks in with the room his hair cut short]
    Sally: "Who are you?"
    Tommy: "It's me, Tommy."
    Dick: "You can't be Tommy; Tommy looks like a girl."
  • [Dick is trying to be "average"]
    Mary: "So, did you like the movie?"
    Dick: "It's the number one movie in America."
    Mary: "But did you like you it?"
    Dick: "It's America’s favorite movie and that’s good enough for me."
    Mary: "I guess it was okay."
    Dick: "Two thumps up — way up!"
    Mary: [laughs] "I'm having a nice time."
    Dick: "That's true — you've neither screamed nor cried all evening. This calls for celebration, uh, waiter! A bottle of your most...average champagne."

[edit] Dick and the Other Guy

  • Liam: "A woman as beautiful as you available?"
    [he kisses Sally on the hand]
    Sally: [flattered] "Oh."
    Liam: "You must have a severe personality disorder."
    Harry: "Wow, this guy's amazing!"
    [Dick and Liam walk away]
    Sally: "Personality disorder...I'm gonna go kick his ass!"
  • Tommy: "Dick! Sally and Harry won’t buy me a beer."
    Dick: "Sally, Harry, don't be so cheap!"
  • Mary: "This is the best thing I have ever put in my mouth!"
    Dick: "Once again I come in second."
  • Dick: "Dr. Neesam, I find you to be pompous, judgmental and completely self-absorbed. Would you be my friend?"
    [pause]
    Liam: "We'll see."

[edit] Sally and Don's First Kiss

  • Mary: So you're going to let this woman run your life?
    Dick: No, just the lunch part. [a beat] My favorite part.

[edit] The Tooth Harry

  • Mary: [very bad British accent] "Hello, I am Dr. Mary Albright and I'm proud to be a member of the Pendleton faculty."
    Judith: "Whoa, what's with the accent?"
    Mary: [dropping the accent] "What accent? This is my formal speaking voice — always has been."
    [pause]
    Judith: "I'm sorry."
  • Harry: [to Nina] "Don't worry, Nina. I won't let anyone else hurt you."
    Dentist: "Don't forget about your appointment on Friday, Nina."
    Harry: "Until Friday."
  • Mary: "I can understand why they cut you — you were sabotaging the whole production — but me?"
    Dick: "Yes, how dare they cut the bloody Queen of England!"
  • Mary: [very bad British accent] "Hello, I am Dr. Mary Albright and I'm proud —"
    Pitman: "Whoa, whoa, what's with the accent?"
    Mary: [dropping the accent] "Why does everyone keep asking me that?"
    Judith: "The Lady Albright hath no accent."
  • Nina: "Dr. Solomon's just as bizarre as Harry and he's completely self-centered."
    Mary: "Oh, please."
    [Dick enters the room]
    Dick: "Behold the glory that is me!"
  • [Harry left twenty dollars under Nina's pillow as payment from the Tooth Fairy for the four wisdom teeth she lost. Just as they're about to have sex, Nina finds the money.]
    Nina: What's this?
    Harry: Oh, you weren't supposed to find that 'till tomorrow morning.
    Nina: You left me twenty bucks?
    Harry: Well, yeah, that's the going rate, isn't it?
    Nina: "Going rate"?!!
    Harry: Yeah, five bucks a pop; that seems pretty reasonable to me.

[edit] Eat, Drink, Dick, Mary

  • Randy: "I think you're Harry."
    Harry: "Well, I think you're Harry."
  • [Don is telling a story]
    Officer Don: "And then I said to the robber, 'Not your pants, the gun!'"
    [everyone laughs]
    Officer Don: "Yeah...that didn't really happen."

[edit] Season 4

[edit] Power Mad Dick

  • [the Solomons have a repairman over]
    Dick: "Sally, you seenin' Don today?"
    Sally: "Seenin' him? I'm losing my virginity to him!"
    Repairman: "You know, I can come back."
  • Harry: "I'll never forget the time I lost my virginity to ol'...what's-her-name over at...the place. Magic."
  • Sally: "Have you told anybody that we did it?"
    Officer Don: "Oh, yeah...but that was months ago."
    Sally: "What about since we actually did it?"
    Officer Don: "Of course not! What kind of heel do you think I am?"

[edit] Collect Call for Dick

  • Nina: [about Fuzzy Buddies] I have two drawers of these!
    Dick: I have two drawers of underwear, but I don't brag about it.
    Nina: Yes, you do.
  • Coach Strickland: [taking a textbook from Tommy at a pep rally] "Gimme this book. That's not what school's about!"
  • Harry: "Dubcek's threatening to make me work it off and I don't think she's talking about mowing the lawn."
  • "The Columbian": "Oh, I got top dollar--I got better than top dollar."
    Dick: "Well then, by default, wouldn't that become top dollar?"