7th Heaven

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7th Heaven is a U.S. television series about a minister's family living in the fictional town of Glenoak in California.

Contents

Season 1[edit]

Anything You Want[edit]

Annie Camden: Have you ever heard "for everything there is a season"? "A time to..." uh...hmm... "a time to--" do something or other. The point is that you just have to let nature take its course. You can't hurry these things.

Simon Camden: You know, "dog" is "God" spelled backwards.

Eric Camden: [about the kids] Why is it that they like your parents and not mine?
Annie Camden: Because my parents are better.

Annie Camden: [to Eric] You wanna talk dog with Simon or puberty with Lucy?

Eric: So you took up plumbing when we were pregnant with Simon?
Annie: No, electrical and plumbing was Mary, Simon was ethnic cooking.

Mary: [referring to kissing] The point is, I don't know where my hands go or his hands or my face or his face or his lips or my lips, and I don't want it to be awkward; couldn't you just show me so I have some experience?
Matt: Don't kiss me.
Mary: Would you stop? I'm not gonna kiss you. Ok, so do I touch his face with my hands? [Mary moves her hand toward his face]
Matt: No, look, if anybody touches face, he touches your face or maybe he doesn't; I don't know.
Mary: [moves toward Matt as if to kiss him] So I close my eyes and... [Eric sees Mary trying to kiss Matt]
Matt: Oh Dad, this isn't what it looks like.
Eric: That's a relief.

Family Secrets[edit]

Annie: [to Ruthie] Do you have Daddy's shoes honey?
Eric: You know Daddy really needs his shoes, so if you have them - [Ruthie smiles and runs away]- I'll wear my good ones. Have you seen my keys?
Annie: On the counter.
Eric: On the counter....and, uh...my wedding ring?
Annie: Bathroom sink.
Eric: Oh. Good. Now all I need to do is find the list of people that I'm supposed to visit. [Annie hands him the list] Thanks.
Annie: I don't know what you'd do without me.
Eric: [kissing her] A lot less of this.
Annie: You know what I was thinking?
Eric: That once we get Ruthie in school we can walk around naked again?
Annie: [smiling] No...
Eric: But we could. [Annie nods]

Mary: Okay let's look at the facts as we know them. Fact: He said he was going to the library.
Lucy: Fact: He never goes to the library.
Mary: Fact: He stayed out all night long.
Lucy: Fact: He was probably with a girl.
Mary: Ok... that's not a fact but it's a safe guess; let's just assume. Assumption: He spent the night with the girl.
Lucy: Assumption: He made out with her all night long.
Mary: Fact: You are way too young for me to be playing this game with you now go get ready for school.

Eric: So many questions I don't know where to start. Why don't we try "Where were you?"
Matt: I was at a friend's [house].
Eric: What friend?
Matt: Just a friend; you don't know her.
Eric: Oh it's a her? That's interesting. Have you completely lost your mind? You stupid idiot.

Simon: Now Ruthie, this is an adult conversation.

Ruthie: What are we doing?
Mary: Nothing, sleepyhead. Come here.
Ruthie: Are we in trouble?
Lucy: What makes you think somebody's in trouble?
Ruthie: Because I went down to the kitchen and Daddy just said, "Good morning".
Mary: So?
Ruthie: He usually says, "Good morning, Pumpkin!"
Lucy: He probably just forgot.
Ruthie: He always forgets when someone's in trouble.
Mary: Well, it's Matt, but you don't have to worry because it's not any real big trouble.
Ruthie: I think it is.

Simon: Well, Matt I've been thinking...
Matt: Well, don't do that; you might hurt yourself.

Eric: I've got three daughters myself.
Mr. Nicholson: Yeah, any of them pregnant? [slams the door in his face]

In the Blink of an Eye[edit]

Lucy: You remember my dad?
Jimmy: Oh yeah, the God guy.
Eric: Yeah, I see how you charmed my daughter.

Matt: I'm sorry, Dad. I'm a total screw-up.
Eric: Not total. [lovingly embraces Matt]

Matt: I'm a total idiot.
Grandma Jenny: Hey, that's my grandson you're talking about! And he's not an idiot. He's just a 16-year-old kid trying to make his way in the world.
Matt: How long will that take?
Grandma Jenny: Well, if he's anything like his grandmother it may take fifty or sixty years.

Ruthie: Do you guys need anything? It's not 5:00 yet.
Mary: So?
Ruthie: Simon says I'm responsible for everything before 5:00.
Mary: Yeah, well, go tell Simon nice try, but you're not his personal valet.
Ruthie: Okay!

[Later that day]

Simon: That's it, pack it up sister, you're out of here!
Ruthie: No, I'm not your personal ballet!

Annie: When did you start drinking wine?
Charles and Jenny: Yesterday.

Matt: [to a cop] No officer, I wasn't drinking.
Cop: Well, that's an interesting cologne you're wearing. Step outside.

Eric: [to Mary] So what are you and Jeff doing tonight? [Mary stares at him] That's right, I'm prying. It's my job, my duty, my life.
Mary: Oh I don't know. We really don't have any plans, we might just drop by a party or something.
Eric: Whose party?
Annie: Have we met these people?
Mary: I don't think so.
Eric: Is it just for older kids?
Mary: I don't know.
Annie: Is alcohol allowed?
Eric: Will the parents be home?
Mary: I'm not sure, it's just a party. It's not like the guy throwing it handed out his biography.
Eric: That would be autobiography and if he had you might have had a shot at going.
Mary: Dad!
Eric: Sorry kiddo, not gonna happen.
Mary: What am I supposed to tell Jeff?
Annie: The truth. That we said no.
Eric: He knows who your parents are.
Mary: Yeah, the people trying to ruin my life! [stomps off]
Eric: Not only trying, but sometimes succeeding.

Jenny: [in Annie's dream] I love you Annie, but I have to go now.
Annie: Mom? [goes into hallway]
Charles: I'm sorry Annie, she's passed on. She's gone. [Annie sobs into Charles's chest; Eric holds her]

No Funerals and a Wedding[edit]

Eric: Alone at last!
Annie: Worth the wait!
Eric: I'm glad to hear you say that!

Eric: [At Steve and Susan's wedding] You may now - [Steve and Susan start kissing] - continue kissing the bride.

Ruthie: Mommy? Can we sing Grandma's song now?
Annie: Yes, sweetie. Tell you what. We'll go upstairs, we'll wash our faces, we'll get into our jammies, and I'll sing you Grandma's song.

Annie: Did Renee have her baby?
Matt: Yeah, she had a little girl.
Simon: Cool.
Matt: Oh, and get this, Mom. You'll love this. She named the baby after Grandma.
Simon: She named the baby "Grandma"?
Matt: Her name was Jenny, Simon.
Simon: Oh. I had no idea.

Steve: I'm a tortured man because... I'm a bigamist!
Eric: Well, I have good news. She can't divorce you; you're not legally married.

Eric: Hey, Luce, have you seen your mom?
Lucy: [shakes her head] Not lately.
Eric: [walking over to Lucy sitting down in the hallway] Hey, how's my little girl?
Lucy: Not so good.

Simon: [just waking up] Hey, where's Grandpa?
Eric: I'm sorry Simon but...he's gone.
Simon: Wow, him too?
Eric: No, to Phoenix, Simon. He went back to Phoenix.
Simon: [chuckling] Oh. I thought you meant-
Matt: Come on Simon, let's go.

Annie: Simon, honey, we've talked about Heaven, remember? It's a place where good people go where they're surrounded by so much love.
Simon: Yeah, but I need to know where that is, Mom.
Annie: Oh. Well, it's... it's up there.
Simon: I was hoping you'd be a little more specific than that.

Mrs. Morgan: Where's your father? He's all right, isn't he?
Annie: Oh... um... yes, he is, he just... ah...
Simon: Don't worry, he's not dead, he just went back to Phoenix!

Ruthie: Mommy, are you always going to be here?
Annie: What do you mean?
Ruthie: Are you going to pass away like Grandma?
Annie: Someday I will. But not for a very long time, so you shouldn't worry, ok?
Ruthie: Ok.
Annie: And I can promise you this. As long as I am here, no matter how old you get, you will always be able to count on me. I will always be there for you no matter what.
Charles: [walks in] Annie?
Annie: Daddy!
Charles: Oh Annie, I wish I had lived up to that same promise you just made to Ruthie.
Annie: We can help each other get through this.

Mary: You know Mom? Sometimes when I'm really mad at Daddy... too mad to see him or talk to him... he gets right in my face and makes me tell him what's wrong! It drives me nuts, but I feel better after.
Annie: Mary, I would appreciate it if you wouldn't act so mature while I'm trying desperately to feel sorry for myself.

Lucy: It's not fair. Grandma should be here. It's like there's a party and she wasn't invited.
Eric: Luce, I know it's weird having all these people here, and all this food, but... it's not really a party. It's just people who cared about your grandma and your mom, who are trying to-
Lucy: I don't mean today, Daddy. I mean life. It's going on without her. It just isn't fair.

Annie: I can't believe Daddy.
Eric: He's still in shock. He's not himself.
Annie: No. Unfortunately, he's exactly himself.

Simon: Nobody seems to know where you go when you die.
Ruthie: I know where.
Simon: You don't either.
Ruthie: Uh-huh!
Simon: Fine, where?
Ruthie: I don't know the name, but I know it's where I was before I was born.
Simon: You were in Mommy's stomach before you were born.
Ruthie: No, before that.
Simon: I don't know where that is. I can't picture Grandma there.
Ruthie: Picture Grandma right here, in your heart.

Matt: [about Simon and Ruthie] The munchkins are still conked.
Annie: Oh good, the poor things must be exhausted!
Lucy: So am I!
Mary: Me too. I feel like I could sleep for a week!
Eric: I think it's been a rough time for us all.
Grandpa Charles: [cheerfully] Don't worry, it's all gonna be ok!
Eric: Wouldn't this work better if I were consoling you?

The Color of God[edit]

Nigel Hamilton: Please God, stop the fires.

Mary: Goodnight Keesha, goodnight Lucy.
Lucy: Good night Mary, goodnight Keesha
Keesha: [laughing] This is just like being at the Waltons!
Lucy: Yeah except the Waltons weren't-
Mary & Keesha: Black? Yeah, we know.

Matt: [to John] Parents! Can't live with 'em, can't live with out 'em.

Morgan: [to the Congregation] We cannot fight hate with hate. What are we teaching our children today that will make things better tomorrow?

Ruthie [to Lynn]: Why do you think they burned your church?
Lynn: I guess because they didn't want us to have a place to talk to God.
Ruthie: Oh.

Nigel: Forget it, Simon. You can't fight ignorance with violence. My dad wouldn't want you to hit him and neither would yours.

Halloween[edit]

Lucy: [to her family] Daddy hates Halloween.

Ruthie: Daddy, are you bigger than the bad Man?
Eric: Ruthie, I'm bigger, I'm stronger... and I work for God.
Ruthie: Yeah!

Annie: [to Mary about Ruthie who is asleep] Poor thing! She must be exhausted from torturing me.

Saturday[edit]

Lucy [to Ashley]: I've got some good news and bad news.
Ashley: I'm Ashley. I don't get bad news.

Simon: Dad just goofed up, that's all.
Ruthie: Daddy doesn't goof up!

Matt: Mary's a team player. She has basketball to fit in. Simon already knows who he is, and Ruthie's five.
Eric: You forgot Lucy.
Matt: No I didn't. She's the one you need to worry about.
Eric: Why's that?
Matt: Well, because she always feels left out.

Eric: Hey, what punishment can I give Simon and Ruthie for wandering off the way they did?
Matt: Hmm... that's a tough one. Ruthie's so cute.
Eric: Yeah. She reminds me so much of your mother. And Simon's so funny, it's hard to be mad at funny.
Matt: You know, maybe you could not let them out of the house for a week.
Annie: Nice try not unless one of you wants to be locked up with them.

Ruthie: You forgot our punishment, Daddy.
Simon [to himself] Unbelievable.

Simon: [in response to Eric and Annie kissing] How come you guys get to do that while we have to clean the bathroom?
Eric: This is my reward for cutting the grass.
Simon: Well, what do we get?
Annie: You get to live here for free.

What Will People Say?[edit]

Annie: Men who abuse women are such cowards!

Eric: [to Jake]: What can I do for you?
Jake: Let me get straight to the point. I heard that you and my wife are having an affair.
Eric: Yeah, I've heard those stories, but I don't believe any of them.

Jake: She'll never press charges against me. Never.
Eric: Where the hell have you been, Jake? This is 1996! Your wife doesn't have to press charges, she has two broken ribs. That's enough for the police; they'll press the charges.

Jake: [about his wife] You can't keep me away from her. I'll follow her to New York, you know.
Eric: I really wish you would, because I have a friend who's a judge there, and a couple other friends who work outside the system. You know the kind I mean? Bad people who've turned good but occasionally slip up? I'm sure they'll be glad to show you around New York.
[Simon sniffs Gabrielle's hair]
Lunch lady: What are you going to have sonny, peas or corn? [Simon continues smelling Gabrielle's hair] I said "peas or corn?"
Simon: I will have whatever she is having.
Gabrielle: Corn.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil[edit]

Simon: [to Annie] Weeks ago, I said Ruthie shouldn't move in with me, but did anybody listen? No. And what happens when nobody listens? [pulls up his shirt to reveal chicken pox] Someone gets hurt!

Matt: I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even think.
Eric: Those are all normal feelings and reactions.
Matt: Not for Mom. She's been so calm about everything, and I just sat there while that piece of junk took all our stuff.
Eric: What do you think you should have done?
Matt: I don't know. Something. Anything but just sitting there and letting some guy rip off Mom's wedding ring.
Eric: You can't blame yourself. Whatever you did, it was perfect. It was perfect because it got you and Mom home safely. And it was just a ring. It wasn't our marriage.

Annie [to Patrica]: And tell Eric I'm fine.
Patrica: I have no idea of what you're talking about.
Annie: [smiling] How long is Eric planning to work this afternoon?
Patrica: He'll be done by 6:00.
Annie: You wanna call him from here?
Patrica: No, I'll wait until I get home, so he'll think his plan worked.

Matt: I don't know what's wrong with me. I just can't pull it together.
Eric: Matt, last night, a man held a gun to your head and threatened your life. Now it would be nearly impossible for anyone to just pull it together.

Annie: I just keep thinking about what would have happened if just one thing had been different... if a gust of wind had suddenly kicked up, or a leaf had fallen on his shoulder, that man could have killed my son.
Eric: You can't think about what could have been, you have to think about what is. You're ok, and Matt's ok, and God was watching out for you both that night; and you have to have faith that He always will.
Annie: I know. You're right. I know you're right. I just don't know how to stop being afraid.

The Last Call for Aunt Julie[edit]

Simon: Aunt Julie, you're hurting me!
Julie: Shut up and give me the key to the liquor cabinet!
Annie [runs in the room and pulls her away] Get your hands off of him! Don't you ever touch my children!
Julie: Annie! Oh, God. Oh, God!
Annie: Get out of this house now!

Julie: [while drunk] I didn't mean to hurt Simon.
Annie: You did hurt Simon!
Julie: But I didn't mean to! I love him!

Matt: You know, Mom, isn't this a time where Aunt Julie really needs her family to be there for her, to help her through this?
Annie: I understand what you're saying, Matt. But I can't have you and your siblings put in danger. I won't allow it.

Ruthie: Is Aunt Julie going to die like Grandma?
Matt: Well, I hope not, but it's up to God to decide when somebody dies.
Ruthie: God sure has a hard job.

Annie: Why do you have to do this yourself?
Eric: Because I don't think she can get through this with anyone else, and I don't want to lose her.
[Pause]
Annie: Fine. But no matter what happens, those kids are my first priority. So you're on your own.

Eric: Come on, Julie, we're going home.
Jack: Who are you, the world's oldest Boy Scout? The lady doesn't want to go yet.
Julie: That's right, Jack. You tell him!
Eric: [to Jack] I'm the last person you want to mess with right now. I'm taking my sister out of here, and if you don't get your hand off of me, I swear I will beat you to it.

Eric: [about keeping Julie at their house to detox] Why won't you let me do this?
Annie: Five reasons! Matt, Mary, Lucy, Simon and Ruthie!

Julie: [to Simon] I've found a place that will help me get better, and I will. Because every time I think about having a drink, I'll remember how it made me so sick that I hurt my nephew, whom I love very, very much.

Now You See Me[edit]

Matt: [to Lucy] You ready?
Lucy: Listen, Matt, I appreciate everything you've done for me, but I don't stand a chance.
Matt: What are you talking about? Everything you have to do, you did with me.
Lucy: Yeah, sure, I can do all the technical stuff, but that's not the problem.
Matt: What is it, Luce? Tell me.
Lucy: I'm not pretty enough to be a cheerleader. My head's too big, and my legs are too skinny.
[Matt drags Lucy into the bathroom, in front of the mirror]
Matt: Look at yourself. Lucy, you're beautiful. More beautiful than any cheerleader I've ever seen.
Lucy: You think?
Matt: I know.
Lucy: [smiles] Even if I don't make cheerleader, it was worth it just for this.

Eric: [watching Lucy at cheerleading tryouts] Am I just being a father here, or is she really good?
Annie: She's really good!
Mary: I gotta admit, Matt, this is pretty cool. How'd you pull it off?
Matt: All I did was give her some confidence, same as I did with you.

Eric: Home is the place where when you have to go there, they have to take you in.

With a Little Help From My Friends[edit]

Simon: Can I have coffee?
Annie: No, what's wrong?
Simon: I'm a new father, that's what's wrong. I got absolutely no sleep last night. Me and Ruthie were suposed to take turns with the feedings, but I couldn't get Ruthie up!
Annie: Why would you have to get up for feedings?
Simon: Well, every time the puppies ate, we fed Happy, so she wouldn't run out of milk!

Lucy: [after being surprised with a party] I didn't deserve this. Thanks.
Mary: You're right, and you're welcome.
Matt: Don't listen to her, Luce, you deserve the best.

America's Most Wanted[edit]

Ruthie: Forget about the book. I have to learn "The Star Stapled Banner"!
Simon: It's called "The Star Spangled Banner", and you'll learn it in school.

Simon: "Oh, say can you see..."
Ruthie: Who's Jose? Jose, can you see?

Matt: Mary and I would like to go to dinner with John and Keisha tonight if that's ok. We'll be home early.
Eric: Well, what's the occasion?
Matt: No reason. We just haven't seen John and Keshia for a while, and we thought we'd grab a burger together. That's all.
Eric: Where?
Matt: The Varsity.
Annie: [to Eric] He's now covered who, what, when, where, and why.

Eric: What's this?
Matt: That's a glass.
Eric: Did you buy it at the Varsity?
Matt: No. I didn't buy it.
Eric: Did you take it without paying for it?
Matt: Dad, everyone takes something from the Varsity. It's like a school ritual.
Eric: It's like stealing. No, it is stealing.
Eric: [to the manager of the Varsity] I'm Eric Camden. I'm Matt's father.
Manager: I'm not dropping the charges.
Eric: Just hear me out first.
Manager: Ok, but I'm not dropping the charges.
Eric: My son knows he was wrong. That's why he apologized. Matt's learned his lesson.
Manager: That's not the problem. The problem is that the rest of those kids haven't learned anything. I lose thousands of dollars every year. If I raise the prices of food to cover the losses, I have no customers. Kids shouldn't steal, and they should learn that if they do, there are consequences. If I let Matt off the hook, they'll think they can get away with anything.
Eric: This isn't about all those other kids. They didn't come in here and apologize to you. This is about my boy. He tried to do the right thing, and he's getting punished for it. What kind of message is that?
Manager: It says there are consequences if you break the law. That's a message I'd like to get out. You got a problem with that?
Eric: Yeah, I do. Isn't the law supposed to be about justice and mercy as well as punishment?
Manager: I guess we'll find out tomorrow in court, won't we?

Ruthie: [singing] "Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the..." Hmm, hmm, hmm. "fight..."
Simon: It's "perilous fight."
Ruthie: What does perilous mean?
Simon: It means dangerous.
Ruthie: Then why don't they just say that?
Simon: Because that's how they talked in the olden days.
Ruthie: Why?
Simon: I don't know why. I just want to get some sleep.
Ruthie: [pauses, starts singing again] "Through the dangerous fight..."
Simon: You can't change the words. It's our national anthem!
Ruthie: But nobody understands it!
Simon: It's not meant to be understood. It's like opera.
Ruthie: I understand Oprah. I watch her on TV!

Simon: [to Ruthie] No, "hailed" is not a bad word, and neither is "hell" unless you say something like "Go to hell!"
Eric: [walks in] What did you say?!
Simon: Oh, um. I was just trying to explain that "hell" is not a bad word. It's just how you use it, like if you say something like "There's a heaven and a hell", that would be ok, right?
Eric: Yes, that would be ok, but that's not what I heard you say.

Seven Is Enough[edit]

Annie: [about George] So you want him?
Eric: I don't know. We did always say we'd adopt after Mary.
Annie: Then after Lucy.
Eric: Then after Simon.
Annie: And now it's after Ruthie.
Eric: We'd be crazy to even consider it, I guess. Right?
Annie: We are crazy. We'll talk to the kids and George tomorrow.

Eric: [when he and Annie want to adopt George] I don't see where your opinion fits into this.
Colonel: That's wonderful. You're dreaming again. Who's gonna pay for the kid? The adoption? The court costs? And let's not even get into how you're going to send him to college, or any of your other five, for that matter.
Eric: They'll get to college the same way I did, Dad. They'll get jobs.
Colonel: You still resent me for not paying your way.
Eric: I don't still resent you. I never resented you for that.
Colonel: Yes, you did then, and you still do. But you and your sister needed to learn that you have to work for the things that are important.
Eric: I know that, Dad. I get it.
Colonel: Yeah, you get it because we taught you the value of hard work and discipline!
Eric: And I'm happy to credit you accordingly!
Ruth: We just thought you might already have your hands full.

Eric: [when his parents say they're going to adopt George] George is not your average kid. He's had a tough life. The adoption itself is gonna be hard on him. He's gonna need a lot of love and support.
Colonel: And you have a corner on that market?
Eric: No, of course not, but support of any kind isn't one of your strong suits.
Ruth: That's not true.
Eric: Do you ever remember holding me or Julie when we were upset? Did you ever allow us to express any of our feelings?
Colonel: If you're asking me if we wiped your noses and held your hands, then the answer is no. No, we were too busy keeping a roof over your heads and food on the table!
Eric: Well, there's more to parenting than that, Dad.
Colonel: Oh, and what does that mean?
Eric: It means that you are not the parents for George.

George: [to the Camdens] Why can't you adopt me? I'll be good, and I'll stay out of your way. You won't even know I'm there!
Colonel: George, listen to me. Eric is smart about these things. He knows what's right. He's a good man, a smart man, and if you're lucky, you'll grow up to be like him. Anyway, why would you want to live with a couple of old war horses like us? You've got a whole house full of great kids right here.
George: They're all dreamers.
Ruth: There's nothing wrong with a little dreaming.
Colonel: No. It's time you settled down and started a little dreaming of your own.
George: I already did. My dream was to be with you.

Happy's Valentine[edit]

Annie: That was Patricia. She and Morgan were wondering if we'd like to drive up to Stedmond Caves tonight and go camping!
Simon and Ruthie: Yes!
Annie: No. No. Just me and your dad.
Eric: And what, we'll put the kids in a kennel?
Annie: No. They can stay here with the Hamilton kids.
Eric: And who's gonna babysit?
Matt: Not me.
Eric: No, of course not. Who would keep an eye on you?
Matt: I'm 17.
Eric: Exactly.

[As the Hamilton kids are coming in]
Annie: Hey, you know, don't stay up too late and um... don't eat too much junk food and have a good time!
Matt: How are they gonna have a good time if they can't eat junk food and can't stay up late?

Ruthie: Mommy, do we have to give the puppies away?
Annie: Yes, honey it's time. And they have a good home to go to.
Ruthie: We have a good home too.
Annie: Yes, but I think they starting to get so big that they are getting in Happy's way.
Ruthie: I get in your way, and you still keep me around.
Annie: Ah. It's not the same, sweetheart. It would be like you living here when you are 30.
Ruthie: I have to live somewhere else when I'm 30?
Annie: You'll probably want to live somewhere else when you're 30.
Ruthie: Yeah! Maybe even when I'm 7 or maybe 8.

Brave New World[edit]

Simon: [as he is preparing Ruthie for the first day of school] A lot of kids cry when their moms drop them off on the first day of pre-kindergarten. Don't do that. Once inside the classroom, you'll probably do some counting. Beads, Cheerios, or something. Don't eat them, whatever they are. Then you'll probably color, glue, maybe cut. Don't get regular scissors. They'll only tear if you're a leftie, which you are.
Ruthie: [holds up her thumb] Right.
Simon: Your other right. Don't worry. After that, you're pretty much in the home stretch. Then you'll take a nap, you'll have a snack. Stay away if it's coconut, and then Mom will come to pick you up. Oh, yeah, and never, ever pick anything. It will come back to haunt you.
Ruthie: No crying, no coconut, no picking. Got it.
Simon: Good. I'm glad we had this little talk. Welcome to the big leagues.

Annie: I hate to interrupt this seminar, but one of us has a very big day tomorrow.
Simon: No kidding! My day is completely booked. School, lunch, recess, more school, Happy, and then homework. Where does the time go?
Annie: I have no idea, Simon.

Lucy: [to Suzanne] You know, when I called you last night, your mom said you weren't back from my house yet.
Suzanne: Maybe she didn't hear me come in.
Lucy: I guess.
Suzanne: You know, it's a big house, and my mom's kind of a flake. You do the math.

Annie: [to Ruthie] What's the matter, honey? Not too hungry today, huh?
Simon: Opening day jitters, Mom. [to Ruthie] Listen, eat something light. A little toast, maybe. Throwing up at school is just as bad as crying.
Eric: Simon.
Simon: What? I'm just giving Ruthie the benefit of my experience. I mean, come on, let's face it. It has been a while since you or Mom were at school. [Simon leaves]
Annie: Honey, it's gonna be okay. You know the teacher, and she's really, really nice, and you're gonna make lots of friends.
Ruthie: Fine. I just don't like this cereal.

Ruthie: Talk to the hand.
Simon: What?
Ruthie: Talk to the hand 'cause the ears ain't listening.
Simon: Where did you learn that?
Ruthie: From my new friend Skyler. He's a superhero.

Annie: [to Ruthie] Honey, I thought you liked going to school.
Ruthie: I like peanut butter, but I don't want it every day. If I had known pre-kindergarten was every day, I would never have signed up for it. This is all your fault! [punches Simon in the arm]
Annie: Ruthie Camden! Where did you learn to do something like that?
Ruthie: School, and I'm never going back, ever!

Eric: So your sister shoved a guy's head in the toilet?
Matt: Up to the collar. You would have been proud.

Michael: [after Mary dunks his head in a toilet] I want to file assault charges.
Principal: Fine. And Mary, I assume you'll want to file sexual harassment charges?
[Long silence; Michael looks baffled]
Principal: What did you think that was? Messing around? Joking? Having fun? It's not. It's sexual harassment.
Mr. Towner: You know, I'm not the least bit surprised that you feel this way.
Principal: Mr. Towner, I know you'd like to believe that this is about "sisterhood" when actually, it's a matter of right and wrong. You see, your belief is incorrect, and holding fast to it at this point really isn't going to help anyone, including your son. So, Mary, how do you want to handle this?
Mary: [pauses] It's over. I just want to let it go.
Principal: Really? I'm not inclined to be as generous as you are. [to Michae] You talk trash, you write trash, and you dare to snap this woman's bra strap? At the very least, your head is gonna wind up in a toilet! You harass one more human being in this building, and you will find that you have no friends here. Got it?
Michael: Yes.
Principal: Good. Now go spread the word. I know you're good at that.

Eric: [to Mary] There's always going to be somebody who'll try to take your dignity and self-esteem. Just never let them take your voice.

Choices[edit]

Matt: You gotta trust me on this, 'cause when it comes to this kind of stuff, guys don't think like girls.
Mary: I know. I'm sorry.
Matt: Where'd you get that dress?
Mary: [crying] I stole it. I didn't think it was a big deal!
Matt: So you put it on and went to a fraternity party?
Mary: I know, it was stupid. I'm sorry.
Matt: It's OK. But you should know: From now on I'll be watching you like a fox/hawk.

[Simon and Ruthie find a $50 bill on the sidewalk]
Ruthie: Maybe we should give it back.
Simon: To who? The sidewalk?

Ruthie: How about a little tiny goldfish? They won't be no trouble.
Annie: "Any".
Ruthie: Any what?
Annie: A goldfish won't be any trouble.
Ruthie: I know. So can I have one?

Faith, Hope, and the Bottom Line[edit]

Simon: Well, I know my phone number when someone asks for it.
Ruthie: And still no one calls.

Eric: I just can't go for a security system over a person.
Lou: And that's what makes you a caring, compassionate minister... and a lousy businessman.

It's About George...[edit]

The Colonel: Hello.
Jimmy: Hey.
Grandma Ruth: "Hey" is for horses. Are you a farmer, Mr. Moon?
Jimmy: No.
The Colonel: Do you know who I am?
Jimmy: Lucy's grandfather?
The Colonel: I am Colonel John Camden, United States Marines!

Julie: I don't think I can do this.
Matt: That's what you need: A warm relationship with your father.

Say Good-bye[edit]

Mary: How about this dress?
Lucy: Sure. Whatever. You'll look great.
Mary: Or maybe I could just shave my head?
Lucy: Sure. Whatever. You'll look great.

Dangerous Liaisons (1)[edit]

Eric: Honey, I think you need to sit down now and try to relax.
Annie: Bite me!
Eric: "Bite me"?!

Eric: [praying] We thank you for this food, Lord, and... any other help you could pass our way about now would be greatly appreciated, with an eye toward peace and harmony. Amen.

Annie: [on the phone with hotel receptionist] Ginger... somebody. What do you mean you don't know? How can you not know? How many "Ginger"'s do you have there? Is there a "Ginger" convention in town or something?

Simon: [to Matt] When you see Lucy, tell her she never looked better or I'm a dead man!

Matt: Wow! What did you do to make your hair look so blonde and... um... beautiful?
Lucy: I'm trying to figure out if you're lying, and if I think you are, I will be killing Simon tonight!

Dangerous Liaisons (2)[edit]

Matt: Great. Even with Mary in the hospital, Dad still finds a way to teach me a lesson.
Simon: Well, you've kind of got to admire him for that.

Eric: Your hair looks nice, Luce.
Lucy: Nice or sexy?
Eric: Uh... nice. Definitely nice. If my 13-year-old daughter had sexy hair, I'd shave her head

Season 2[edit]

Don't Take My Love Away[edit]

Annie: [to Simon] Doing something for your sister out of love is far more important than doing something for me out of guilt.

Ruthie: The old lady that left this house to the church died in this attic. Matt told me.
Annie: The lady that left the house to the church died in Florida in a senior home.

Simon: You missed a great chick fight!

Ruthie: Can I wear a tuxedo too?
Annie: I'll think about it
Ruthie: What's a tuxedo?

See You in September[edit]

Sergeant Michaels: [to Eric] Hey, Reverend.
Eric: Hey, Sergeant.
Sergeant Michaels: Your kids' school have been trying to reach you. I guess your beeper's off.
Eric: [looks for his beeper in his pockets] I don't even have my beeper.
Annie: Which school? Which kid?
Sergeant Michaels: All three schools, all five kids.

Teacher: No hats in school, Ruth.
Ruthie: My name is Ruthie. Ruthie Camden.
Teacher: Why don't we call you by your proper name, Ruth?
Ruthie: Ruthie is my proper name. It's the name my Mommy and Daddy gave me. And that's the hat they gave me!

Mrs. Rainy: [to Ruthie not listening to her about taking off her hat] Ok, Ruth, time out.
Lynn: Can I have a time-out too?
Mrs. Rainy: Ok, time out for you too.

Lucy: You'd think that having dad as a minister, God wouldn't hate me so much.

Principal Russell: [when Matt, Mary & Lucy are in her office] Ok, I'll give the family rate, one day suspension each.

Who Knew?[edit]

Eric: [about the joint he found in the house] I just.... I know it's Matt's.
Annie: If it isn't, and if you accuse Matt of something this serious, who knows what will happen. I don't think your relationship with Matt can afford to withstand any false accusations.

Annie: If you're doing drugs, Matt, I want you to stop. If anything ever happened to you, I would never forgive myself.
Matt: Sounds like I'm already guilty.

Eric: [to Matt] What were you thinking?! It's bad enough you're smoking dope, but then you had to bring it in here where someone else could find it. What if one of the younger kids had found it first?
Matt: I didn't think...
Eric: That's just it, you didn't think, because if you thought of anyone besides yourself, you'd know that the look you just saw on Simon's face was the look of a boy who has lost all respect for his older brother!

Eric: Just answer me one thing, it will help me sleep better. Just tell me you wanted to get caught? Because you couldn't have possibly expected to get away with this. Or better yet, tell me why anyone could be so stupid as to do drugs in the first place!?
Matt: I don't know, Dad! Why don't you ask Mom? Maybe she can tell you!
Eric: Don't you dare bring your mother into this. Apologize right now! [Someone honks a car horn outside, waiting for Matt] Oh, you're not going anywhere.
Matt: Well, I'm not staying here. [leaves]

Ruthie: [to Simon] Why are you so mad, and why is Daddy shouting?
Simon: Because our big brother is a jerk, and a major loser.
Ruthie: But I don't understand. I love Matt and he loves me.
Simon: I'll explain when you get a little older. Just go to sleep.

Lucy: I don't know if things will ever be the same between Dad and Matt. Or even Mom and Matt.
Mary: Yeah, I mean, I don't see how they could be. It's like Wilson said. It's one of those mistakes that you can't take back.

Eric: [to Annie] I can't believe you told Matt you did drugs.
Annie: I thought it might be useful! I thought you understood I was going to tell him!
Eric: I was never under that impression. We don't have to share everything with our kids! We don't share our sex lives with them!
Annie: I'm sorry! I thought maybe Matt wouldn't feel so far away from us if I told him! I had no idea he would throw it back in my face.
Eric: Well, that was another issue entirely. He shouldn't have done that.
Annie: Oh, I didn't think it would turn out this way. [starts crying] I'm just so disappointed.

Wilson: Some mistakes are like jumping out of a plane. Once you do it, you can't take it back.

Says Who?[edit]

Mrs. Bink: [yelling at Eric] You call yourself a minister?! [slams the door in Eric's face]

Mrs. Hinkle: Do you think some stranger could hurt me worse than my own children trying to scare me out of my house so they can pay off their credit cards and travel? I think I'd rather take my chances with the stranger. It would be less painful and frankly, a lot less embarrassing. You're lucky I'm not carrying my pepper spray.
Mrs. Bink: Oh, I've got mine. [starts digging in her purse]
Eric: Ah, no, I don't think we'll need that.

Matt: What's going on?
Annie: Well, dinner's almost ready, the trash needs to go out, and your brother is shrinking.

Ruthie: [to Simon] You need to see a doctor.
Simon: I am shrinking. For real.

Annie: So what did the doctor say?
Matt: Well, Simon's not the same height he was this time last year.
Simon: I'm and inch taller and I'm broader around the chest, but I'm not surprised. I work out.
Annie: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah.

Lucy: I could never be bulimic like Shelby. I just don't have the self-discipline to make myself throw up.
Mary: You know, this conversation wouldn't annoy me so much if we actually knew Shelby was bulimic, but we don't, and you and this conversation have both crossed the line from "annoying" into the land of "I'm going to have to kill you if you don't shut up."

Lucy: You know sometimes, word of mouth gets around because it's true.
Mary: And sometimes word of mouth gets around because there are a lot of mouths. I don't believe everything I hear. You should give it a try sometime.
Lucy: Like I don't.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do[edit]

Ruthie: I had no idea kissing was such a big deal.
Lucy: Well, let me tell you something, sister, it is!

Eric: [to Matt] I couldn't let you spend three days on a bus with a broken heart. Let's go home.

Girls Just Want to Have Fun[edit]

Lucy: Mom...
Annie: I'm still a little angry.
Lucy: I know, but why? All I was trying to do was express my unique personality--a personality which, I might add, I'm not allowed to express at home.
Annie: First of all, it didn't appear to me that you were expressing any unique personality at all, because you and your friends were expressing the exact same unique personality! So maybe you should look up what the word "unique" means, because judging from what I've seen, it's not very clear to you!

Karen: My friends are there for me, they make me strong, they protect me.
Annie: Oh, really? The same friends who will rape you and beat you for drugs and money?
Karen: You are so out there! My friends would never betray me. And I can handle whatever it is I have to handle.
Annie: Well, it's good you're that strong, because this is going to take all the strength you have.

Ruthie: When's eventually?
Mary: Sometime in the future, but you're not sure when.
Ruthie: Is it for sure?
Mary: What?
Ruthie: Eventually?

Joe: We don't search our kids' rooms.
Eric: I don't search mine, either, but I can't be with them every minute. I've got to tell you, I don't always know what they're doing when I'm not around, and the possibilities and getting more and more frightening.

Joan: [to Karen] How can you do this? How? I work. Your father works two jobs, all so we can live in a safe neighborhood, so our kids will be safe! And all the time, the drugs, the violence, and the weapons were in our house? In our house?
Joe: And you brought them in.
Joan: We have to protect Stan. No wonder he isn't sleeping. I'll take him to my mom's. He'll be safe there.
Karen: No, you don't have to!
Joe: I'll see if I can get a transfer. Maybe we can move.
Karen: No! Why are you doing this?
Joe: Haven't you heard? Our daughter is in a gang! There are weapons in our son's bed! He is in serious danger! We all are!

Do Something[edit]

Eric: Matt, if something had happened to Steve while he was with you today, what would you have done?
Matt: I'm not sure, other than I would have tried to get him back to the hospital. If it was too late for that, then I guess I would have just held him. Been with him. If something had happened, Dad, at least the kid would have had a day out. I mean, he's dying and there's nothing anyone can do but let him live a little.

Steve: [to Matt] I have a question. What do you think dying is like?...You don't have to answer that if you don't want. I'll understand.
Matt: No. No, it's okay. I'll answer it. I think about it sometimes. I think it's kind of like when you're little, and you're sick, and your parents pick you up and put you in their bed. Then you wake up, and you don't know where you are, but then it just takes a second, and you remember where you are and that you're okay. I think it's like that.

I Hate You[edit]

Annie: [to Ruthie] What are our rules with drawing?
Ruthie: No drawing on the walls, or the tables, or furniture, or anywhere but paper.
Annie: That's right. So why break the rules if you know the rules?
Ruthie: I don't know. I just got bored, I guess.

Ruthie: [to Annie] I didn't paste or cut anything, it's not fair!
Annie: I think it's plenty fair.
Ruthie: I hate you!

Mary: [to Joanne] We're really sorry if we hurt your feelings.
Joanne: If? If you hurt my feelings? You think I have fake teeth, a boob job, and that I can't microwave my own food. That's right, I have perfect hearing too. I heard every word you said.

Lucy: [to Joanne] We're really sorry.
Joanne: You should be! If you had bothered to get to know me, I'm a pretty nice person. And I try to treat others the way I want to be treated.
Lucy: And yet, if you made the same mistake we did, you'd want them to forgive you, right?
Joanne: I wouldn't make the same mistake you did.

Annie: You know, Ruthie, when someone does something wrong, they need to take responsibility for it. And sometimes when they're angry, they say things that aren't nice and aren't true. I was hoping that after a while you would have time to think about what you said, and you would apologize. Do you remember when you said you hated me? I know you don't like to be punished, but saying you hate me really hurt my feelings.

Eric: [to Mrs. Kerjesz] I'm really sorry if Simon bothered you.
Mrs. Kerjesz: I know what he wanted. He wanted to ask about something he saw the other day. [pulls up her sleeve to reveal numbers] Could an innocent boy like that really understand my story?
Eric: Well... yeah, I think he can. But I don't want you to feel pressured to talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable.
Mrs. Kerjesz: Oh, I talk about it. With my friends who are survivors. We have common ears, we can hear each other. Other people... they don't hear us so well.

Mrs. Kerjesz: If only we could we just stop hating each other...if only.

Truth or Dare[edit]

Mary: [to her parents] Matt paid Brian $20 for him to go out with me! [to Matt] I can't believe you!
Annie: Like I said...
Matt: Yeah, yeah it'll blow up in my face.
Beverley: [with Lucy is hiding under the bed listening] So I've been dying to ask you...what do you think of Lucy?
Shelby: I think she's pretty nice.
Girl: Pretty nice? Please! She's absolutely rude to Ashley.
Shelby: It probably just gets to her that Ashley and Jimmy are boyfriend/girlfriend. I mean, he and Lucy had been going out for a long time.
Beverley: Yeah, I always wondered why he broke up with her anyway.
Ashley: Well, for one thing, Jimmy says she's incredibly insecure.
Shelby: So she's a little insecure...okay, she doesn't have a lot of self-confidence.
Beverley: No kidding!
Girl: You're exactly right.
Shelby: Yeah, but who would with an older sister who's a basketball star and a brain?
Girl: Yeah, I mean, if Mary hadn't made us invite Lucy over tonight, believe me...
Lucy: [to Mary] Did you pay Beverly to invite me to her sleepover or did you just threaten her?
Annie: Simon, you're going to have to tell Ruthie that despite your teaching, she's still going to have to take swim lessons.
Simon: Why me?
Annie: Because you're the one who let her believe that she could learn how to swim by splashing around in a bathtub!
Simon: But it will break her heart. Her teeny-tiny heart.
Annie: Whose fault is that?

Lead, Follow or Get Out of the Way[edit]

Ruthie: Mommy's upstairs yelling at Mary and Lucy, and I'm pretty sure the roast is burning.
Colonel: Why do you think that?
Ruthie: Because there's smoke coming out of the oven.
Colonel: Ruthie, you get off the phone right now and go upstairs and get your mother. Right now, that's an order! Understand?
Ruthie: Yes, sir! [hangs up]
Colonel: Ruth! Pack my bags, I'm shipping out!

The Colonel: It's important to know when to be helpful and how to be helpful. When you don't know either one, it's important to be harmless.
Matt: What?
The Colonel: Lead, follow or get out of the way.

Eric: I finished my sermon.
Colonel: I knew you would.
Eric: Gosh, you know... I've been dreading tomorrow all week, and now I can't wait.

Rush to Judgment[edit]

Ms. Russell: [to Lucy] Why did you think it was not just a hug?
Lucy: I don't know... something just didn't seem right. I got a bad feeling about it... but I'm sorry. That's just the way I felt... I must've been wrong. I was wrong, I mean obviously.
Ms. Russell: Are you sure you were wrong, Lucy?
Lucy: Off course I'm wrong, I'm always wrong. But how was I supposed to know about that mile record thing?
Ms. Russell: I'm going to have to talk to one of your parents.
Lucy: At least you know the number.

Stuck in the Middle with You[edit]

Mary: [to Lucy] How are either of them going to call you if you are on the phone?
Lucy: They're not, I'm playing hard to reach until I can make up my mind which one I want.

Eric: It's just that I always thought we'd be buried in upstate New York in the Camden family graveyard on the Colonel's property. Camden's have been buried there for hundreds of years.
Annie: A hundred years!
Eric: It's just a hole in the ground, so what difference does it make anyway, right?
Annie: Right, unless by that you don't want to be in the ground next to my mother and father.

Red Tape[edit]

Annie: [angry because the store owner won't let her return a poor quality sweater without a receipt] I'm just trying to return a sweater.
Store Owner: You're just trying to create a disturbance.
Annie: A disturbance? You want a disturbance? I'll give you a disturbance! What ever happened to common decency? What ever happened to service and a simple thank you for shopping here? What ever happened to the store standing behind the merchandise that it sells? What ever happened to truth, justice, and the American store taking returns?
Store Owner: I'll tell you what happened. People started shoplifting and then returning things for cash, or buying things, wearing them, and returning them for no reason! Profits started coming down, and insurance rates started going up, so shop owners had to start looking for merchandise with a higher mark-up. What do you want from a twelve dollar sweater? What ever happened to "You get what you pay for"? If the manufacturer doesn't stand up for the merchandise, then why should I get stuck? I've got kids to feed too, you know! That's what happened to this American store taking returns!

Homecoming[edit]

It Takes a Village[edit]

Nothing Endures But Change[edit]

Lucy: [at a support group] My friend was killed in a car accident. Her sister was with her. She was injured, and now I don't know what to say to my friend's sister.
Counselor: What did people say to you that was comforting?
Wilson: Actually, we talk a lot about what people say that doesn't comfort you at all.
Girl #1: "You'll see her again when you die".
Guy #1: "He's resting now". I was seven. I thought it meant that when my dad rested enough, he'd come back. It totally spooked me.
Girl #2: "It was meant to be". That's my favorite.
Guy #2: "Meant to be". I mean, what is that? My brother was meant to get shot?
Lucy: Is there anything anybody can say?
Wilson: Maybe the truth. Things like "This totally sucks".
Guy #2: That's what I wanted to say out loud at the funeral, but I couldn't because nobody would have understood! That and "I'm glad it wasn't me". It sounds selfish, but I'm glad to be alive. I've got a lot of things I want to do with my life.

Sgt. Michaels: There's been an accident.
Eric: Tell me it's not Lucy.
Sgt. Michaels: No. But the girl does go to Lucy's high school. Their car smashed into a telephone pole. One girl was killed instantly. The other one survived, but she's not in good shape. Evidently, they were trying to dodge a kid who ran in the middle of the street.
Eric: Which one?
Sergeant Michaels: Sarah. Just fourteen years old. This is gonna be a tough call to make, Rev. I was hoping you'd go with me.

Mary: You're mad at Lucy? Mad about what?
Matt: I think she was going to run off with those girls. They weren't going to get a pizza.
Mary: You don't know that.
Matt: Yeah, I do. It was written all over her face when I dropped her off, but I didn't press her on it. She was trying to trick me. How do you think I would have felt if she had been in that car? She could have been killed, too!
Lucy: [walks in crying] You think I don't know that? You don't think that if they hadn't been on their way to pick me up, Sarah would still be alive and she wouldn't have died?
Matt: Sarah died because she was driving the car and the kid ran out in front of her!
Lucy: I know that! And that's my fault too; it's all my fault!

Annie: Luce, the accident.
Lucy: It wasn't them. Tell me it wasn't them Mom, please?!
Annie: I'm sorry. Sarah was killed Luce, and Jen's in the hospital in serious condition! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Oh, I'm just glad it wasn't you! [they both begin to cry]

Annie: How's Jen doing? Any word?
Eric: I just got off the phone with her parents; she's still in the hospital. Her leg's going to be okay. But she's got a heavy burden to carry, and... and unfortunately, it could take years to develop the strength for it. Having to be there for Jen is what's keeping the parents going. They're just so grateful they didn't lose her too- What, Annie?
Annie: I just keep thinking that Lucy could have been in that car, too.

Lucy: [talking to Wilson] That's so weird. I feel the exact same way, like every single person on this earth is one second away from leaving the planet, me included. And you know, it's like there must be a reason I'm here. God must have had a reason for keeping me here. Otherwise, why wouldn't I have been in that car?
Wilson: Right after my wife died, I felt the exact same way. Why didn't I die? Why her? Why did she have to suffer through such a difficult labor and then die in the end?

Lucy: It is my fault! It's all my fault! Nothing will ever be the same again! Nothing! [runs up to her room]
Eric: It'll take awhile.
Annie: I know. But I'm glad that she has awhile to take.

My Kinda Guy[edit]

[Eric has invited a foreign exchange student to stay]

Annie: You invited a guest to stay in our house without even consulting me?
Eric: ...I just thought it would be a great cultural experience for the kids, for all of us.
Annie: Well so's a museum, but unfortunately we don't have room for one in our house!

Time to the Leave the Nest[edit]

Simon (about Sarah): What, you think this girl has parents? What kind of parents would let their child run around hungry and dirty like that? She must be an orphan. I can feel it in my bones!
Sergeant Michaels: I think we owe it to the child to go a little bit beyond that.
Simon: Why? Even if she does have parents, they shouldn't get her back. When something belongs to you, you have to take care of it! It's the law.
Sergeant Michaels: Well, not exactly.

Joe (to Sarah): Listen, sweetie, you've been taking care of me for a long time. But I think I need more help than a little girl can give.
Sarah: I wasn't doing a good job?
Joe: No, no, no, honey. I wasn't doing a good job.

Joe (to Sarah): It's your turn to be taken care of, and Grandma's great at taking care of people, honey. So I want you to do me a favor and let Grandma take you home for a while. I'll miss you so much. But you deserve everything...some new toys, and some pretty dresses.
Sarah: I don't need new toys or dresses! I need you!
Joe: That's why I'm going to stay here and get some help. But I don't think I'll be much good at it unless I know you're with my mom. That way, I won't worry about you.
Sarah: I love you, Daddy.

Sarah: Please take me back to my daddy. He needs me. I shouldn't have left him alone.
Simon: Well, that's okay. Daddies can take care of themselves.
Sarah: But he's really sick, and we don't have any money, so he needs me to go into town with him, and ask people for money so we can buy stuff.
Simon: Wait. What kind of sickness?
Sarah: I don't know, but if he doesn't drink a lot, he hurts real bad.

Joe (to Eric): But I love her. I love Sarah!
Eric: If you mean that, then you need to do what's best for her. Do the right thing, Joe.

Eric: I know how you feel, Simon, but we still need to do whatever we can to find Sarah's family.
Simon: You're on your own there, Dad. I want her.

Mrs. James: Joe, I need you to tell Sarah to come with me. I need you to talk to her, make it okay for her.
Joe: Why would I give up the only person in this world who loves me?
Mrs. James: Oh, Joe! I love you. I've always loved you! But even more than that, someone upstairs must really love you, to find people like this to help you.

Annie: Everything will be okay.
Mrs. James: I used to say that about my son. But it never was. It never was.

Like a Harlot[edit]

Ruthie: Why didn't you tell me Snappy was real!? What's next, Santa Claus? How many years have you been lying to me? Am I really 6!?
Annie: You went backstage.
Ruthie: And you know what else? I don't believe in God either.

Eric: I shouldn't have gotten out of bed this morning. I turned Ruthie into an atheist, I forced Matt to go out with Connie, Lucy and Mary are both dating 11-year olds and I still have to talk to Simon about that movie.

Eric: Anyway, you don't believe in God, huh? (Ruthie shakes her head yes) Kinda gets me in the heart 'cause God is so real to me.
Ruthie: But you can't see God.
Eric: Well, the wind is real, but you can't see the wind. You know, you can only see the leaves rustling in the trees. Pain is real but you can't see pain. You can only see tears. Happiness is real, but you can't see happiness. You can only see the smile on someone's face.

Boyfriends (1)[edit]

Matt: [to Eric & Annie] The good news is I'm valedictorian. The bad news is I leave before I have a chance to make my speech. I got a job in Washington, D.C. Summer work program.

Simon: Ruthie's mad because you're abandoning us.
Matt: I'm not abandoning anyone. I'm going to college!

Matt: [to Mary & Wilson on her bed] Have you two lost your minds!? Haven't you learned anything from your mistake? [to Mary] You're acting more like he's your husband!

Annie: [to Eric] Mary's.... Mary's... pregnant.

... And Girlfriends (2)[edit]

Ruthie: Mr. Martin can bite me.
Simon: Where are you learning words like that?
Ruthie: Around. I have ears, you know!
Simon: Well, if anyone hears you talk like that, this cleanser's going to end up in your mouth.

Ruthie: [after dropping a book] Darn it.
Simon: You and your mouth are treading a mighty fine line, sister!
Ruthie: Don't worry, it's almost out my system, I can feel it.

Mary: Is there something wrong with me?
Annie: Not exactly. You're... you're... I can't.
Eric: There is just no easy way to say this Mary, it seems that you're pregnant.
Mary: I don't think so.
Annie: Why, because your birth controls infailable?!
Mary: Yeah, it's called not having sex, it works 100% of the time; and hey, if I'm lying we'll all know in a couple of months now, won't we?

Annie: I have something to tell you. We're going to have a baby. A baby... we're having one. You can't get any closer and we're still having a baby. Uh-huh... you and me together. Wacky Dr. Peterson got the tests mixed up.
Eric: WHAT!?

Matt: [upon finding out Annie's pregnant] You didn't do this just to get me to stay home and go to school, did you?
Eric & Annie: No.
Matt: Well, you can't get me out of here now, things are just starting to get good.

Season 3[edit]

It Takes Two, Baby[edit]

Simon: Just in case what isn't better?
Ruthie: My morning sickness.
Simon: Oh, give it up already.
Ruthie: MOMMY!
Eric: Simon, be nicer to your sister. This isn't easy on her and she's just a little girl.
Simon: You say it like it's a weakness or something.
Matt: I just want to know if Mom is feeling any better?
Eric: She can't fit into her pants, she's not gonna be happy until she can. Meanwhile, I have to find some place to take her for our 20th anniversary that's appropriately romantic, yet doesn't remind her that I'm the one that got her too big to fit in her pants. I've been down this road five times and it's a long cranky road.
Matt: I remember when you put on a few pounds you were cranky too.
Eric: Yeah, but that was different. I wasn't providing a nurturing environment for a developing human being. And I have to say if I were... I think I be thrilled. I'd be elated... I'd be...
Annie: ...Miserable. You know, you think you know what it's like, but you don't, you really don't. You know nothing.
Eric: Nothing.
Annie: How is that I'm the one who has to watch every single morsel of food that I put into my mouth, and yet those crumbs turn into pounds and more pounds and more pounds, despite the fact that I've already puked most of what I've eaten the day before by the time I get out of bed the next morning?
Ruthie: Yeah, we're fat and we're sick.
Annie: And tired you know I'm really, really tired. It's not like having a baby at twenty or thirty, I'm….
Ruthie: Old.
Annie: And I've got six months to go. Six more months. Six months of trying to wear clothes that make me look...
Eric: Like you're having a baby. Our baby.
Ruthie: Yeah, our big fat baby.
Annie: Yeah, she's right. You know that I was seven months pregnant with Matt before I was in maternity clothes. And now, at three months look at me, I'm fat. I'm old. I'm tired. And I'm fat.
Ruthie: Yeah, I can't get in nothing of mine, neither.
Eric: You can't get into anything Ruthie, you don't fit into your clothes because you're getting bigger and that's because you're getting older.
Ruthie: Yeah, just like Mommy.
Eric: It's going to be okay.
Annie: It's not gonna be okay! It's only gonna get worse. I'm only gonna get fatter, and older, and tireder, and fatter! Then, when I'm at my oldest and tiredest and fattest, then I have to give birth to my fattest baby ever, probably with the world record head!
Ruthie: Yeah. If you ask me, the only thing you daddies have to do to make a baby is the fun part.
Eric (to Ruthie): You know, maybe your tummy will be feeling better by lunchtime. Mommy's always is.
Ruthie: Give me an extra paper bag, just in case it isn't.
Simon: Just in case what isn't?
Ruthie: My morning sickness.
Simon: Oh, give it up! You're not sick, you're not tired, and you're not fat. You're just trying to get attention.
Ruthie: MOMMY! (runs upstairs)
Simon: (to Eric) Yeah. Whenever they're hurt, they run to Mommy, even when Dad is standing right there.

Drunk Like Me[edit]

Annie: You and Simon need some guy stuff to do together. I don't want him to feel left out.
Eric: No, being left out is Lucy's job.
Lucy: Mom, if you had to guess, what would you say the babies were?
Annie: Girls.

Cutters[edit]

Annie: (to Matt) You look terrible.
Eric: It finally happened. Our son got rejected by a girl.
Annie: I can't believe it. Not my Matt! Why, you are the most handsomest guy on Earth, and if a girl doesn't like you, then something must be wrong with her!
Eric: Maybe your mom could call her.
Matt: You know, you two are really starting to sound like June and Ward Cleaver.
Eric: Really? Because up until now, you kind of reminded me of Wally. Wally never got rejected.
Eric (to Lucy): Maybe what you need is a tutor.
Lucy: You mean an older-high-school-guy-who-looks-like-Brad-Pitt type of tutor?
Eric: Uh, no, I was thinking of a much-older-minister-who's-slowly-losing-patience-with-his-daughter type of tutor.
Mary (to Lucy): You know, none of this is like you, and I know why. I think your attitude is compliments of your new best friend Nicole.
Lucy: Stop picking on my friend, okay? Because Nicole is here to stay. And, in the future, stay out of my business. Especially my friend business.
Mary: I'm telling you there's something up with Nicole.
Lucy: That's your opinion.
Mary: Look, I know no one wants to hear this, but I have to say something. Last night I saw Nicole in our bathroom cutting herself with a razor.
Lucy: It makes no sense. I don't understand why Nicole would cut herself, why anyone would.
Eric: Well, a lot of girls do it. In fact, some experts believe that cutting or self-mutilation is the fastest growing problem with teenage girls outside of eating disorders.
Lucy: If that's true, why haven't I heard of it?
Eric: No one talks about it much.
Lucy: That maybe true with other people, but Nicole is my best friend. If she were doing this, I'd be the first to know.
Eric: There's a lot of shame that goes with cutting and Nicole wouldn't necessarily tell you or anyone else 'cause she's probably embarrassed that she does it.
Lucy: Well, if she's embarrassed about it why doesn't she stop?
Eric: It's not that simple. See, sometimes when a person can't handle whatever emotional pain their in, they cause physical pain to themselves. They'll take a razor or a knife or a pen and make little cuts that they can hide. And when you want to quit something like that, you have to find out what's causing the pain that's making you hurt yourself or you're never going to be able to stop doing the destructive behavior.
Lucy: I'm so sorry, Dad.
Eric: For what?
Lucy: I'm sorry you have such a dunce for a daughter. I'm so stupid about biology and Nicole.
Eric: I never want to hear you call yourself stupid again. You're not. Biology is tough and nobody knew about Nicole, not even her parents at first. So no blaming yourself for that either. I can't go to biology with you but, uh, if you need a substitute best friend, I'm always here.
Ted Jacob: I can't believe she's cutting again. I guess I can believe it. My wife and I have been seeing some of the old warning signs. Her frequent trips to the bathroom, keeping he bedroom door always locked, wearing baggy clothes to hide the scars.

The Legacy[edit]

Lucy: Oh no.
Shelby: Not again. How could you leave your lunch in Geometry class again?
Lucy: I don't know. Because I love a frenzied sweaty hallway sprint before lunch? Where's the straightest line from here to our Geometry room?
Shelby: I don't know.
Lucy: You really gotta start paying more attention in class.

Lucy (to Mrs. Reese): Oh, sorry to interrupt. I just let my lunch in here. Is that my lunch?
Mrs. Reese: I'm sorry, Lucy. I didn't know you'd be back.
Lucy: You ate my lunch?
Mrs. Reese: Well, I figured if you were coming back for it, you'd've been here sooner.
Lucy: It's a long hallway. A long windy hallway filled with obstacles that walk and shove and get in your way on their way to eating their own lunches.
Mrs. Reese: What's the shortest distance between two points? A straight line. You know, if you applied what we talked about in class, you might've gotten back here quicker and saved your lunch.
Lucy: I just don't understand Geometry. I can't do that kind of thinking. I don't have that side of the brain or something.
Mrs. Reese: Really? Because it looks like you're not all that interested in Geometry and aren't really giving it your best shot.
Lucy: It's hard to be interested in something you know you'll never use. I mean, never get.

Lucy: She ate it. I accidentally left my lunch in class and Mrs. Reese ate it. My lunch. All of it…practically. And to add insult to injury, she said that if I'd applied the Geometry stuff we learned in class that I might've made it back to the room in time to save my lunch.
Annie: Is there any truth in that?
Lucy: How would I know? I don't know any Geometry.
Annie: Does that mean you want Mary or Matt to help you with your Geometry?
Lucy: No, I want you to call Mrs. Reese and tell her to stop eating my lunch.
Annie: If it continues, I will. And it is possible that today was just a weird day. And I don't want to upset you in your weakened and starving condition, but maybe you should take a stab at learning Geometry.
Lucy: Why? I don't get it, I'll never get it, and I don't see how it will ever help me in my life to get it.
Annie: It might help you save your lunch.

Mrs. Reese: I'm sorry, Lucy. I didn't know if you'd remember to come back again today.
Lucy: No, I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd start on my lunch again today.
Mrs. Reese: You should have. It's called a "given". You see, this situation isn't all that different from a geometry proof. Why Mrs. Reese eats my lunch...your lunch is something to be eaten. That's the definition of lunch. Your lunch is in here to be eaten because you leave it in here. That is a "given". I don't want it to sit and rot, etc. That is also a "given". So what conclusion can we draw from this?
Lucy: That is my lunch is left in here, you're going to eat it unless I get back here before you do?
Mrs. Reese: Exactly right. Which route did you take to get back here?
Lucy: The south hallway.
Mrs. Reese: Okay, "G" that's our geometry room. And "F" that's you...famished. If you draw an imaginary line from here to here.
Lucy: It's a right triangle.
Mrs. Reese: And how could you have gotten to "G" quicker?
Lucy: By going from here to here?
Mrs. Reese: Yep. You bisect the angle to the midpoint on the hypotenuse.
Lucy: So, can I have whatever's left of my lunch? (there's nothing left)
Mrs. Reese: I had a light, light breakfast.

Mary: Okay, I just came down to say I'm sorry.
Annie: For skipping class, or getting caught, or causing me to come and get you in the principal's office so that your teacher can tell me that for some reason my 16-year-old daughter can't seem to find her way to class?
Mary: Yes. Mom, Mrs. McKee just reads aloud every day and it's boring. Besides, I can read the book by myself.
Annie: So have you?
Mary: What?
Annie: Read the book?
Mary: Well, some of it, but I can't get in to it. And besides, like I said, Mrs. McKee reads the thing aloud in class every day.
Annie: Yes, but you'd have to actually be in class to hear it and benefit from it. You see where I'm going with this?
Mary: Yes.
Annie: See, if my kid can't "get" anything, not even the tiniest little morsel, from a classic novel about societal mores, shame, scorn and ostracism, then I look to my kid. Not the teacher, not Nathaniel Hawthorne, but my kid. Of course, now that I know my kid has read and/or heard very few of those actual words, I feel better. Or a different kind of worse, I'm not sure.

... And a Nice Chianti[edit]

And the Home of the Brave[edit]

Ruthie: You know the person guts I hate? Bobby Tripp. I hate the guts inside his guts, and the guts inside those guts!
Mary: Our little neighbor? Why do you hate him?
Ruthie: Because he saw my underwear on the swing, and he won't shut up and say he's sorry!
Simon: Well, if you think about it, there's really no way he could shut up and say he's sorry.
Ruthie: Don't make me crawl over that seat and sock you!

Annie: Hey, how was school today?
Ruthie: Fine until Bobby Tripp saw my underwear while I was on the swings, and now he won't shut up about it.
Annie: Why weren't you wearing the shorts that I made to match that outfit?
Ruthie: Because I was in a hurry this morning, and besides, why should I have to wear shorts because boys can't shut up about underwear? Why should all the girls at school have to suffer because the boys are losers? What's wrong with this world?
Annie: Can I get back to you on that?
Ruthie: Take your time. I'm not going anywhere.

Matt: Once the twins are here, our lives will never be the same. They're gonna need lots of attention and quiet, and once they're here, they're here. Forever.
Ruthie: What if we don't like them?
Matt: Well, having a baby is kind of like rolling the dice in Vegas. Sometimes the odds are really good, and you win big.
Simon: And sometimes, you crap out.

Johnny Get Your Gun[edit]

Simon (to Johnny): Excuse me.
Johnny: Oh, hey, little buddy. Am I in your way?
Simon: It's not buddy. It's Simon Camden. You're Johnny, I presume?
Johnny: So you've heard of me. That's good. Have you also heard that this is my girlfriend Deena?
Simon: I believe that's was your girlfriend. Deena was your girlfriend. She's my girlfriend now.
Johnny: Yeah, we'll see about that, buddy.
Johnny (to Simon): Listen, Mighty Mouse, stay out of this, or I'm going to take you out of it!
Simon: Take me out of it?
Johnny: (makes a gun with his fingers) Get it?
Simon: ...You're gonna shoot me?
Johnny: Yeah, maybe. All of a sudden you'll turn around and see a .38 Special pointed right at you. (chuckles) Yeah, I just might do that. You'll have to look over your shoulder everywhere you go.
Eric (to Simon): Are you in some kind of trouble?
Simon: I'm not sure about that either. See, the thing is, is that he's probably trying to scare me. But Deena's boyfriend said that he was going to shoot me.
Vice Principal Blackstone: I have to follow procedure. I have to call in the parents, have a meeting with them, send the kid to a counselor. They have to recommend that he see a therapist or I have to risk losing my 10 year retirement, and that may not sound much, but I have a family too.
Eric: Okay, well, what about tomorrow? What happens if he comes to school with a gun tomorrow!?
Vice Principal Blackstone: I agree that Simon and Deena should stay home from school until I get some answers.
Eric: Well thanks for your help.
Sergeant Michaels: If we just look at this objectively, John, the number of times you son has been in trouble has been increasing rapidly over the past couple of years, and the crimes have been getting more serious.
Mr. Morton: He and a couple of kids broke a couple of mirrors in a few new houses at a construction site. The doors were unlocked. It was tempting. You know how kids are.
Sergeant Michaels: I know how kids in trouble are. He ignored the warning and broke into the elementary school and damaged the heating system.
Mr. Morton: Oh, please. It was nothing more than a stink bomb. And besides, you don't know if it was Johnny or one of his friends.
Sergeant Michaels: You're right. But when the officer came to your house to talk to him, I understand he threw a brick at his car?
Mr. Morton: He just happened to toss it out of the yard when the guy drove by. It was bad timing. An accident.
Sergeant Michaels: And what about your dog? The neighbors report that Johnny was abusing the family dog.
Mr. Morton: He tied it to the bike so it would run alongside! That's abuse?
Sergeant Michaels: The county took the dog, did they not?
Mr. Morton: This is ridiculous! Are we just gonna sit here and recall every little thing my son's ever done?
Vice Principal Blackstone: Mr. Morton, I had your son's locker opened this morning.
Mr. Morton: What?!
Vice Principal Blackstone: I had reason to believe that he might have a weapon.
Mr. Morton: And did he? No!
Vice Principal Blackstone: But his locker looks like... an altar to violence. There are pictures of people torturing animals, a stack of gun ads, CDs of an extremely sexual and violent nature, comics books along the same themes. My guess is his room looks the same way.
Mr. Morton: So what if it does? He's a teenage boy!
Eric: He's a teenage boy who pointed his finger at my son's head and mentioned the exact gun he would use on him! (to Vice Principal Blackstone) I'm sorry, you asked me to let you handle this, (to Mr. Morton) and I can't help but notice that he threatened my son with the exact same gun that you own!
Mr. Morton: I have a license for that gun!
Eric: I don't care if you have a license for that gun. Licensed or unlicensed, your son has access to it, and you seem to be in complete denial at any possibility that something could go terribly wrong here!
Mr. Morton: I know my son, okay? My son would never shoot anyone!
Sergeant Michaels: At the very least, until this situation is resolved, you might want to take the gun out of your house.
Mr. Morton: The gun is for our protection!
Sergeant Michaels: Did you know that people who keep a gun at home for self-protection are 43 times more likely to kill themselves, a family member or an acquaintance than to be killed by an armed intruder?
Mr. Morton: Do you know that guns don't kill people?! People kill people!
Eric: PEOPLE WITH GUNS KILL PEOPLE!
Vice Principal Blackstone: Gentlemen...
Eric: No! Is it too much to ask for this man to admit that his son has a problem and take some action?
Mr. Morton: Oh, I'm gonna take action, all right! I'm not gonna be forced to give up my right to bare arms! And I'm not gonna have my back pushed up against the wall by some lame assistant principal and a minister who's got friends in the police department! What I am gonna do is call the school board and the Chief of Police, because this is harassment! And furthermore, I'm gonna take my son out of this school! I'm gonna put him in a private school where he won't be treated like a common criminal! The public school system has failed my son and failed my family! And if this is what I get for my tax dollars, then forget it!
Eric: (to Johnny who has a gun) Easy.. now son.
Simon (after Eric is shot by Johnny): This is all my fault. I shouldn't have said anything.
Lucy: It's not your fault. It's not your fault at all. If you hadn't said anything, something worse could have happened. He could have shown up at school with that gun! Johnny's a kid with a bad temper. A bad temper and a gun. That's a really bad combination.
Judge R.M. Kristy: Johnny, I've gone over your record very carefully, as well as the psychological evaluation that was provided to me, and I had to consider that this was not your first offense, that you did admit to stalking the Reverend, with an intent to kill him, and to date, you have shown no remorse. Now, this is not to say that I have no hope of your ever changing, because I do. We have successfully rehabilitated young men and women just like yourself, and I intend to watch your case very closely. But today, Johnny, based on the information gathered, as well as my conversations with you and your parents, I feel I have no choice but to relinquish you to the State Youth Authority, where you will remain under their care until you are 25 years old, which is the maximum penalty I am allowed to assign a 12-year-old.
Mr. Morton (to Eric): I was wrong. And I just wanted to apologize for what happened, and not listening to you when you told me my son was in trouble. If I had, this wouldn't have happened. I just thank God he didn't kill anybody.
Eric: Amen.

No Sex, Some Drugs and a Little Rock 'n' Roll[edit]

Annie: Lucy, wait. I got the phone bill today.
Lucy: Congratulations.
Annie: Your phone usage is completely out of control.
Lucy: Define "out of control."
Annie (when Ruthie is chewing gum): Spit it out.
Ruthie: How did you know?
Annie: I have eyes in the back of my head.
Ruthie: If that were really true, I'd bring you in to Show 'n' Tell.
[When Annie catches Simon drinking coffee]
Ruthie: I'm not drinking coffee, I just stole it for him.
Simon: (to Ruthie) Thanks a lot.
Annie: Simon! (grabs the phone from Lucy) Goodbye, Jordan.
Lucy: I had to call him to tell him I couldn't call him.
Annie: (to Ruthie about her gum) Come on, spit it out. (to Simon) You, no coffee. (to Ruthie) You, no gum. (to Lucy) And you, no phone. Got it? Good.
Lucy (to Annie): How did you learn to be so cruel?
Annie: It's in the "Mommy Manual" between crafts and cuddling.
Eric (to Matt): What are you doing with this stuff?
Matt: A friend at school gave gave 'em to me. Their just natural energy boosters made from herbs or something.
Eric: Not everything that is natural is good for you. Cocaine is extracted from the cope of plant. Heroine and Morphine come from natural plants and extracts. Natural doesn't always mean good!
Matt: Dad, calm down, okay. Check the bottle, it's sealed. I didn't take any. I was just looking for a way to keep awake so I could keep studying.
Eric: Oh, you'll stay awake because the main ingredient in these pills is Ephedrine which is just a chemical process away from from being Methaphetamine.
Matt: Wait I don't get it, I mean the guy who gave these pills bought them from a health-food store. I mean if this stuff is so dangerous then why is it not illegal.
Eric: Because Ephedrine is classified as a food not a drug, so it's not regulated the way it should be. Ephedrine-based supplements are illegal in 13 states. You know that it took to make them illegal? People died. (Mary enters the room)
Eric: What's wrong?
Mary: I took those pills.
Eric: You took these pills?
Mary: No, I didn't get the pills from Matt, I got them from Diane who gets them from her father. I thought everyone was taking them.
Eric: I think I better talk to Diane's father. Throw them out.
Matt: Gladly.

Let's Talk About Sex[edit]

Here Comes Santa Claus[edit]

Nobody Knows...[edit]

All That Jazz[edit]

The Tribes That Bind[edit]

In Praise of Women[edit]

Annie: (to Eric during labor) Stop touching me! That's what got us in this situation in the first place.

It Happened One Night[edit]

Annie: See my tummy? That's you.
Ruthie: Maybe I never should have come out.
Annie: But...look what you would've missed...riding on Daddy's shoulders...and Simon rocking you on the front porch...and Mary...giving you a bath in the kitchen sink.
Ruthie: My butt was a lot smaller then.
Annie: All of our...bottoms were a lot smaller then.
Annie: (after listening to Ruthie sing a depressing song) Ruthie, you are not a motherless child. Your mother is right here, listening to your beautiful song. But I'm a little busy now, and I could really use your help. You're a big sister now. That means you're more important than ever.
Annie: Why isn't Simon watching Ruthie?
Ruthie: Is Simon my new mommy?
Matt (to Ruthie): Don't make me get Mom and Dad.
Ruthie: Ha! You couldn't get Mom and Dad away from the "Children of the Corn" if you tried!

Paranoia[edit]

Sometimes That's Just the Way It Is[edit]

The Voice[edit]

All Dogs Go to Heaven[edit]

There Goes the Bride (1)[edit]

There Goes the Bride (2)[edit]

Season 4[edit]

The Tattle Tale Heart[edit]

Life is Too Beautiful[edit]

Yak Sada (a.k.a. One Voice)[edit]

Come Drive with Me[edit]

With Honors[edit]

Ruthie: So, what kind of fun stuff do we have planned for tomorrow?
Annie: (to Eric) Teacher Work Day. No school for Ruthie.
Ruthie: Yes!
Annie: Okay, let's see. Tomorrow, you can help me clean the bathrooms, do the laundry, repair the kitchen sink, iron the socks, reorganize the linen closet, and go shopping.
Ruthie: Toy shopping?
Annie: Food shopping.
Ruthie: Man, this is gonna be worse than school!
Annie: (when Eric gives her a funny look) What?
Eric: It is going to be worse than school.
Elaine (to Mary): Did you hear the rumor? It's all over school.
Mary: I just saw you this morning. How could anything be all over school?
Elaine: Well, what can I say the real juicy stuff has a life of its own. Corey Conway had a baby when she was 14.
Mary: Corey had a baby?
Elaine: Yeah, Maggie, the new girl said that there was a Corey Conway who went to her junior high school, and that Corey got pregnant and dropped out of school and had a baby.
Mary (to Corey): How did you hide this from everyone?
Corey: It wasn't easy. I couldn't have anyone over to my house. I couldn't go to parties or stay out late. Forget about dating. With taking care of a baby I barely had time to go to school or play basketball. When I think about it, I actually don't even know how I was able to finish high school. Most teen mothers don't. I do know that I couldn't have done it without my mom. She's been there for me every step of the way since the day I told her I was pregnant.
Mary: Man, motherhood at fourteen.
Corey: You know what's harder than motherhood? Your friends talking and whispering behind you back.
Mary: Not everyone is talking about you.
Corey: Please, this spring I'm graduating Magna Cum Laude. I'm the top score on a championship basketball team and I've been accepted to three Ivy League Colleges. But now, thanks to Maggie, the only thing that everyone cares about is that at fourteen, I had a baby.
Mary: I'd really like to thank the local businessman's association for this honor, but I can't. Excellence in sports and in life to individuals we have future generations see as role models. I've never thought of myself as a role model. I go to school and get good grades. I go to basketball games and score points. But a role model, I don't think so. But there was a real role model who was supposed to receive this award with me today. But at the last minute the committee changed their minds. You all know who I'm talking about, because for the last 24 hours most of you have done nothing but talk about her. She's my friend, my teammate. She's Corey Conway. And when she was 14, she had a baby. Corey Conway is a person, not an issue. And the only statement made by celebrating her achievements is to honor that someone who didn't take the easy road in life and did what few others could have done. Finish high school with honors while raising a baby. I want to let you know how I feel before I bring Corey out on stage and give her my award. Because even if she's not a role model for the local businessman's association or for some of the students at this school, she is for me.
Eric (to Jeff): Look, I'm the minister at the Glenoak Community Church. And if there's a problem, I can help, I can...
Jeff: No, thank you, but I think you should mind your own business.
Eric: When your son brought drugs into my house it became my business.
Mrs. Peterson: (to Jeff) I should have kicked you out. I should have told you that if you did drugs, you couldn't live with me, but I thought turning my back on my son made me a bad mother. But I was wrong. It made me a bad grandmother. Look, if you won't straighten up for me, do it for Lee. He's your son! You need to act like his father, and if you don't make me a promise, right that you will take the steps to clean up your life, then I will take custody of Lee, and you'll never see us again. And I don't want to do that. I just can't sit by and watch my grandson turn to drugs, the way my son did.
Eric: Admitting you have a problem is the first step. I think it's the hardest step, too.
Mrs. Peterson: I'll be there for you every step of the way, and as long as you're clean and sober, you can live with me. But you've got to get a job. You've got to start contributing to the household.
Jeff: I just...I don't know if I can do it.
Lee: Dad, please. I already lost a mom. I don't want to lose you, too. I love you.

Just You Wait and See[edit]

Annie: So, how is Glenoak's newst licensed driver?
Lucy: Fantastic! I love the freedom of driving down the road, with the wind in my hair. It's very exhilarating.
Simon: You can't feel the wind when you're only going 5 miles an hour.
Mary: Lucy drives way too slow.
Annie: When it comes to your children driving a car, there is no such thing as driving to slow.
Lucy: Thank you. (shifts her gaze and comment towards Mary) And the reason I drive slow is because you have your big feet hanging out the window.
Mary: Hey, I give my dogs some air.
Annie: From now on you keep your dogs in the car.
Simon: Dogs?! Try horses!
Mary: Excuse me, pinhead!
Eric: I am strong. I am strong. I am capable of handling anything.
Julie: I'm leaving my husband! We tried, but it's over.
Eric: I am strong. I am calm. I am capable of handing anything.
Julie: Great. Are you capable of carrying my suitcase!?
Eric: What happened?
Julie: I'm not having a baby with that man. I refuse. No one can make me. No one.
Eric: I don't understand. I thought you and Hank were happy.
Julie: The marriage was a big mistake. Big mistake... (looks at Eric) It's all your fault! You know how I am. If someone tells me to go left, I go right. If they tell me to jump up, I sit down. If you hadn't disliked that man so much, I never would've married him!
Julie: My back is killing me!
Annie: What's wrong?
Julie: I don't feel so good. And I have this cramping thing. May be it's an upset stomach...
Annie: I think you may be in labor.
Julie: That's impossible. I'm only 8 months pregnant. Besides, I can't be in labor 'cause I'm not going to have a baby with that man!
Julie (about their daughter): What shall we name her?
Hank: We could name her after Eric and Annie.
Hank and Julie: Erica.
Julie: Erica Camden-Hastings.
Hank (to Julie): I love you more than life itself, and I will never leave you. We are going to make fabulous parents. True, you'll be doing the pushing, but I'll be there every step of the way. And you have never looked more beautiful. Don't cry.
Julie: I can't help it. It hurts.

Sin... (1)[edit]


Coach Cleary: I understand that some of this has to do with "senioritus." I don't care. You were told in no uncertain terms that your studies were the priority and your grades had to show immediate improvement. Unfortunately, these reports show that they haven't. Now, I don't know if you didn't have an understanding of just how serious I was, or if you didn't have time to study. But now, you have both. (locks the gym doors)
Elaine: Practice is cancelled?
Coach Cleary: You are students here who play basketball. You're not basketball players who show up to classes whenever the mood strikes. Until you proven that you understand that by bringing your grades up, this season and this team are cancelled!
Mary: You can't do that!

Eric (to Mary): Did you guys know what would happen if you didn't get your grades up?
Mary: (hesitantly) Yeah.
Eric: Well, then, for now, I support this lock-out.
Mary: What?
Annie: I'm sorry, kiddo, but your coach didn't screw up. You did.

Mary: This can't happen. This is my senior year and I have a scholarship to play basketball. I mean, somebody has to do something.
Simon: Why did he lock you guys out?
Matt: Mom had two babies, Dad just had a heart attack, and now this? They have enough going on without having to worry about without the stuff. You're supposed to be the oldest. How can Mom and Dad trust that you can keep an eye on everyone else when you can't keep an eye on yourself?
Mary: Oh, boy. One more lecture on how it is to be the oldest. How many times do I have to hear this stuff from you?
Matt: Until you get it right.
Mary: Go away! And take your lemony-scented self with you.

... And Expiation (2)[edit]

Mary (to Lucy): We trashed the school gym.
Lucy: What?! Who?!
Mary: Some of the girls from the team and me.
Lucy: Why?!
Mary: I don't know. We were just eating and talking about the team lockout and it just happened.
Lucy: And you got busted?
Mary: Yeah, We must've set off an alarm or something'cause the cops showed up.
Lucy: What's gonna happen?
Mary: I don't know. Sgt. Michaels saids I need a lawyer.
Lucy: This is unreal.
Mary: I wish.

Sgt. Michaels (to Annie): If you need any help trying to find a lawyer...
Annie: What?!
Sgt. Michaels: We're releasing her without bail on your recoginance, but this isn't over. She's... you're gonna need a lawyer.

Annie: I thought I was an ok parent. I thought I knew my kid. But I didn't.

Ms. Williams: (to Eric and Annie when she agrees to meet with Mary) I know she's your baby and probably always will be to you, but not to me. She's not in your house anymore. She's in mine. (goes into another room with Mary) Someone must really like you. You can't even begin to imagine what kind of favors it took for me to come in today to review your case. So, Mary, what happened to your grades? Drugs?
Mary: (shocked) No.
Ms. Williams: Booze? A boyfriend you couldn't get enough of?
Mary: No. None of that.
Ms. Williams: Well, did you see something on TV or at the movies that you had to copy? Marilyn Manson hypnotized you with one of his songs? Your parents just didn't love you enough?
Mary: No.
Ms. Williams: Well, then, I heard about the team lockout, so I'm guessing that your coach and school did you so wrong, you had to get back at them, and that basically, they had it coming.
Mary: No.
Ms. Williams: Come on, Mary. There's got to be some reason why you did this that has nothing to do with it being your fault. Why should I consider you for the diversion program?
Mary: I don't know. I.....I've made some mistakes, but for the most part, I've always been a pretty good kid.
Ms. Williams: Pretty good kids don't trash other people's property. What else have you got?

Mary: Um, I just got off the phone with Mr. Wolf. Um, Mr. Wolf from the group that gave me the scholarship. Apparently, word of what happened has gotten around, and in light of everything that's gone on, including me recent subpar academic performance, Mr. Wolf said the committee felt there were better candidates out there for the limited funds that they have to donate, for college next year. I lost my scholarship.

Mary: I knew the choices I was making was wrong and I did it anyway... and I am sorry. I am sorry that I did it, and I am sorry for the way I've been acting, and I am sorry for everything that everyone has gone through because of me. And it kills me to know that sorry doesn't make a difference, and that it doesn't undo what I did, and it doesn't make my family like me again.
Eric: Hold on...
Mary: Look I know you love me. But how could you like me? I don't even like myself, and I don't know what to do to make things better.

Mary: What if I get expelled?
Eric: Well, we'll just have to wait and see what happens, and then deal with it.
Mary: I know I blew it, but up until now, I've been a pretty good kid. Now it's gone. It's all gone. Who knew that one mistake could ruin your whole life?
Annie: Your dad and I.....when you're an adult, you know that one mistake can ruin your life. Your life's not ruined. It's going to be radically different, but only you can decide if that's going to be a good different or bad different.

Dirty Laundry[edit]

Lucy (to Mary): How would you know anything about being left out? You have been in the in-crowd your whole life. You've been Miss Star, Miss Athlete, Miss Popularity all during high school. You have no idea what it's like to be left out.
Mary: Are you crazy? Why do you think I got into basketball in the first place? I was, like 7 feet tall by the time I got into the fifth grade. Kids laughed at me and called me names, and so I did something. I learned a sport. I used my height instead of just complaining about it. I became an athlete instead of just whining about being different. And after all that, I'm nothing. I'm just the tall bad girl who let everybody down, and now I'm paying for it!

Who Nose[edit]

Lucy (to Mary): You met a guy at your community service program, didn't you?
Mary: Yes, I knew you wanted to know.
Lucy: No. I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know anything.
Mary: He's gorgeous, and his name is Robbie.
Lucy: Great. Now I know his name.
Eric (to Mary): Hey, do you wanna tell me anything?
Mary: Not really.
Eric: Sometimes when someone leaves out information that abscence could be considered a lie by omission.
Mary: Am I that someone?
Eric: I thought we agreed that you couldn't see anyone while you were on restriction.
Mary: I'm not seeing anyone. But in the interest of not lying by omission there's a guy who's also doing community service that I talk to. But he is just a guy. And doing community service together can hardly be considered seeing anyone. And, besides, why does punishment always have to be a bad thing?
Eric: Well... because it's punishment. Does this guy have a name?
Mary: Yes, he has a wonderful name. Robbie Palmer. Now I have to go or I'll be late.
Pete: Spray paint makes it faster and it's a lot of fun.
Simon: How do you breathe around that stuff?
Pete: Oh, you'll get used to it, actually, you'll probably start to like it after a while.
Simon: Where are the guys?
Pete: Oh, uh... they decided to catch a breather.
Simon: We could use a breather, too. (Pete laughs) What?
Pete: You're too pure to understand.
Simon: (to the guys huffing in the hall) Hey, you guys are going to get a huge headache if you do that.
Pete: It's called huffing. It makes you you feel like you're walking on clouds, right? Wanna try it...or are you too pure? Didn't think so.
Mitch: Hey, Camden, you say a word to anyone, and your life will be hell.
Mrs. Jasper: Pete Lawrence collapsed on his way into school. His nose was bleeding and he was having trouble breathing.
Simon: I didn't know it was serious or at least this serious. I thought it can only make your nosebleed.
Eric: A bloody nose is the least of it. Huffing causes liver damage and kidney failure. Heart failure.
Simon: Can you die from it?
Eric: Kids do every year.
Mrs. Lawrence: The spray paint Pete used came from your garage. Pete said Simon brought it to school. (Simon shakes his head "no.") You just stay away from my son You've done enough damage.
Simon: How's Pete?
Eric: The doctor said there wasn't any permanent damage, but when he's better, he'll have to go though a detox program to get the chemicals out of his system. And I recommended that he and his parents meet with a family counselor.
Pete: (to Simon while in the hospital) Just go away.
Simon: I can't.
Pete: Why?
Simon: Because your mom thinks I did this to you.
Pete: Yeah. I let her think that.
Simon: I know. And it's okay. You must have been scared, and you had to tell your mom something. When you're feeling better, you can tell her the truth.
Pete: If I do, I'll get all my friends in trouble.
Simon: And that's better than getting one innocent guy in trouble. Look, under normal circumstances, I wouldn't mind taking the rap for a friend, but you and your buddies have to stop huffing, or eventually, they're gonna end up just like you, or maybe even worse.
Eric (to Simon): I talked to Mrs. Jasper. Pete told his mom about the other guys and the huffing. Principal is meeting with the boys and their parents tomorrow. Pete promised to call each of the guys and explain why he ratted them out. No one is going to think it was you.
Simon: I don't care if they do.
Eric: Good for you.
Mary: Robbie got transferred.
Eric: We know.
Mary: Why'd you do it?
Eric: We think your community service shouldn't be anything but community service.
Annie: It's not something you're doing for yourself, it's something you're doing for the community as a payback. When the first phase of your service is complete and if you get a satisfactory review, then we'll see about Robbie coming over so we can get to know him better and you can get to know him better.
Mary: Then I guess I'm really grateful.

Forget Me Not[edit]

Shana (to Matt): I still can't believe I'm going to NYU.
Matt: I still can't believe it either, but...but it's great and you're going and you need a place to live.
Shana: Most guys would be pressuring for me to stay. You are the best boyfriend ever. Long distance relationships aren't easy, but I know we can make it work.
Annie: Ginger, what a nice surprise. Where's Dad?
Ginger: I don't know.
Annie: What? What do you mean you don't know? What's going on?
Ginger: Uh, Annie, honey, your father...well...I don't know where he is.
Ginger: About 3 months ago, I started noticing some changes in Charles' behavior.
Annie: What changes?
Ginger: Difficulty in buttoning his shirt, trouble saying certain words, feeling lost in familiar places, misplacing things, and, uh, so we went to see the doctor.
Annie: And?
Ginger: And after a battery of tests your father was diagnosed as being in the very early stages of Alzheimer's. I couldn't tell you this over the phone, I just couldn't. And so I just, um, hopped on a plane and headed here.
Annie: Are you saying my dad has Alzheimer's?
Ginger: I'm afraid so.
Charles (to Annie): I just walked away for a second. I made a mistake. I'm sorry.
Annie: We have to talk about this.
Charles: There's nothing to talk about. I'm fine. I really think that you're overreacting.
Annie: Dad, you almost set the house on fire!
Charles: I do not have Alzheimer's!
Annie: Dad, don't be afraid. You don't have to go through this alone. I'm here, Eric's here, the kids, Ginger...
Charles: I don't have Alzheimer's! End of discussion!
Annie: Dad!?!
Eric: How's your father?
Annie: In denial, just like I was.
Ginger: We're gonna make sure that dad gets the best medical care possible.
Annie: That's not the problem. The problem is getting him to except the fact that he has to deal with this. You see, I'm afraid to leave him alone. You saw what happened with the barbecue. But if he doesn't believe that there's anything wrong with him, it's hard to convince him that he needs someone when I'm not there. I mean, what if... he takes off again? What if he goes somewhere and forgets how to get back home? Or he forgets what his name is?
Charles: I didn't know I was scaring everyone. I'm sorry. It's just that if I agree with the doctors that they're right, then I have to start facing up to this thing. And I don't know that I can.
Annie: We're gonna get through this. We are. You're not alone.
Susan Gertz: (to Lucy) Look, we all have things in our lives, boyfriends, jobs, school work. You have to prioritize. Decide what's important to you. No one is forcing you to be a part in the Habitat Project. But if you're going to do it people are depending on you. So you have to show up when you're scheduled. If everyone cancelled, where would we be?

All By Myself[edit]

Mary (to Annie): Where's breakfast?
Annie: You take cereal, you take the milk, you pour it into the bowl, it's not rocket science!
Ruthie: (to Eric, angrily) Your wife called! (slams the door)
Annie: I need a time out! Did everybody hear me!? Mommy is taking a time out!

Who Do You Trust?[edit]

Ruthie: Shana didn't call yesterday. That's the first time that happened.
Eric: I didn't know any of this.
Ruthie: Maybe Matt just doesn't want to tell you that stuff.
Eric: Why would that be?
Ruthie: I don't know. Sometimes kids just don't want their parents to know stuff. They have their reasons.
Eric: Like you having your reasons for not wanting to tell us what your science experiment is?
Ruthie: Exactly!
Rick (to Lucy): I always wanted a steady girlfriend, but not tonight. I wish I didn't even have one.
Lucy: Why?
Rick: Because right now, I'd like to kiss you.
Lucy: I guess your girlfriend wouldn't go for that.
Rick: Probably not.
Lucy: But what if I kissed you?
Rick: You mean, without me not knowing about it?
Lucy: What?
Rick: That didn't even make sense, did it? (They start kissing)
Annie: Are you sure it was Lucy?
Eric: Oh, it was Lucy all right. They were just making out right there on the street. They don't even know each other. She just met him. Frankly, this is not the kind of behavior I'd expect from a National Merit Finalist. I can only guess where the other two were.
Annie: They were probably watching the movie. Why is that so hard to believe?
Eric: If the younger brother has the nerve to make out with Lucy right on a public street, then it scares me to think of the brother who was arrested is capable of.
Annie: You're out of your mind, you know that?
Eric: Maybe, but it doesn't make me wrong about this.
Annie: We've got to hope that we raised our daughters well enough that they're doing anything more than kissing. But I think we have to expect the kissing.
Eric: And you're happy about this, aren't you?
Annie: I'm not thrilled. But I'm not going to drive myself crazy. They've got make their own decisions. We can't make the decisions for them.
Simon: We figured if we told you that we were buying cigarettes, you wouldn't let us buy anymore, and our project would be ruined.
Eric: If you knew we wouldn't approve, maybe it wasn't the best project to do.
Nigel: Well, we did show how easy it was for kids to buy cigarettes.
Eric: What were you planning to do if you got caught buying the cigarettes?
Nigel: The person selling the cigarettes gets in trouble, not us.
Eric: You guys didn't do your research. It's a $75 fine and 30 hours of community service for minors caught by buying cigarettes. Besides that, you're saying that you were willing to let the guy who sold you the cigarettes get into legal trouble, just so you could get a good grade on you social studies project?
Simon: But those people are killing us by selling us cigarettes. Not us, technically, but kids who smoke.
Annie: It's a very interesting project, but it's also a project that could've have some serious consequences for other people, as well as you two. And who wants to tell of how actually smoking the cigarettes you bought fit in.
Simon: We were expanding the project, you know, going from the thrill of buying the illegal project to the thrill of smoking it. Plus, when you make something so bad, it makes it irresistible, too.
Nigel: Yeah. It's like when we had the cigarettes, we couldn't help ourselves. We had to smoke.
Simon: Even knowing all we know about smoking and how bad it is. Sorry.
Nigel: Sorry too.
Annie: I'm afraid you're going to have to throw out your project and start over.
Simon: Is that our punishment?
Eric: What do you think?

Words[edit]

Ruthie (to Lucy): Don't just stand there. Do something
Lucy: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Ruthie: Teach me how not to let words hurt me.
Annie (to Lucy): I think you better tell me what's going on.
Lucy: Ruthie's new teacher has been calling her stupid. She asked me not to say anything, but...
Annie: She called her what?
Annie (to Miss Riddle): Ruthie says you asked the class who the first president was, and when she answered Abraham Lincoln, you called her stupid.
Miss Riddle: (chuckles) No. I didn't say that. I told her that her answer was stupid. There's a difference.
Annie: She's eight. She doesn't know the difference.
Miss Riddle: Ah. I think I see where this is coming from. Every parent wants to believe their child is perfect. But in reality, most of the time the apple just doesn't fall far from the tree.
Annie: Did you just call me stupid?
Miss Riddle (to Annie): I think it's time for you to go.
Annie: I'm not going anywhere.
Miss Riddle: Don't make me call the principal!
Annie: Oh, go ahead, make my day! Call the principal. Go ahead!
Annie: Nothing justifies calling a child stupid. Nothing.
Miss Riddle: You have your opinion, and I have mine.
Annie: Yes, but your opinion is wrong!
Annie (to Eric): Well, it turns out there was no mistake. Miss Riddle has been calling Ruthie stupid.
Eric: What?
Annie: Yeah, and when I confronted her about it, she acted like it was nothing.
Eric: Unbelievable.
Annie: She called me stupid, too.
Annie (to Ruthie): Do you know why I got so mad at your teacher?
Ruthie: Because she was mean to me?"
Annie: Yes. But also because when Ms. Riddle hurt your feelings and made you feel like you weren't smart, then school and learning became a bad thing. And if that happens enough, it won't be long before you don't like school at all. And that would be wrong. Because learning should always be enjoyable. And school should be like this safety zone where students not only learn about the stars, but reach for them as well.
Eric: (about Bobby) Do you know him?
Simon: I know of him. He's new at school. He's not very popular.
Eric: Why is that?
Simon: Everyone thinks he's weird.
Eric: Because of his outbursts, like the one in church today?
Simon: The jocks really make fun of him, especially Brian, the captain of the football team. He calls him Spazz Man. (Eric gives him a look) Well, I don't call him that!
Eric: Do you remember when I told you that all is necessary for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing?
Simon: Yes. (pauses) Let me guess. I'm the good man doing nothing.
Eric: Good and smart.
Eric: Bill!
Bill: Look, you don't understand, okay? Nobody understands!
Eric: I'm trying to...
Bill: Please just leave me alone! Please!
Eric: I want to understand. Your wife wants to understand. Hey, I'm here, but you have to open up to somebody. You have a lot of pain and anger. You can't keep it bottled up inside, or else you'll explode.
Bill: When I was growing up, I had a cousin with Tourettes. We didn't know it at the time, but later, we found out that was what he had. He had these horrible facial tics. I teased him all the time. I was really just mean. I tortured him relentlessly.
Eric: I'm not quite sure I follow.
Bill: I just can't stand to think there's some kid out there doing that to Bobby. Torturing him, making his life a nightmare, the way I did to my cousin. I mean, every time I look at him....it just reminds me of how badly I've acted in the past. Look, I did the research. Tourettes is hereditary, so basically, Bobby is the way he is because of me! You know, ADD I could deal with, but this, you know...I just don't think I can bear it.
Mary (to a girl): Hey! I think we have Biology together.
Girl: What are you doing?
Mary: I'm talking to you.
Girl: Why? So you can distract me, and your friends can do something behind my back, and then you can all laugh at me some more?
Mary: I don't laugh at you.
Girl: You hang out with Laurel and those jerks she calls friends, don't you?
Mary: Sometimes. Look, I'm just trying to...
Girl: Do you have any idea how much you and your friends hurt my feelings? Do you think I'm deaf? Sometimes I wish I was, because then I wouldn't hear every little whisper and nasty comment that comes my way.
Mary: It's not fair to lump me with Laurel. I have never said anything bad about you.
Girl: Yeah. You just stand by and let it happen, which, for your information, is worse! Knowing that something is wrong and doing nothing to stop it is worse than just doing the something that's wrong.

Loves Me, Loves Me Not[edit]

Ruthie: (about Sam and David's birthday) Why can't we just celebrate it today so we can keep Valentine's sacred?
Annie: Because Valentine's isn't sacred, but the birth of those boys was sacred, so the importance of their birthday outweighs Valentine's Day.
Ruthie: I'll be sure to let Hallmark know.
Ruthie: (about Simon) What? I don't know why he's wearing Lucy's shirt, but you can bet he's not dressed like a girl for nothing!

Say a Little Prayer for Me[edit]

Eric: (to the congregation at church) My family has been talking a lot about prayer this week. The discussions began when I shared my feelings about a letter I received in the mail, sent anonymously...I will now pass the author's request on to you.
Eric: (to the church congregation) Say a prayer for the millions of children in the world who have become victims of violence...ask God to help those children who are trying to recover from the death of playmate or friend or family member...pray for the children, that they might have peace...because if we won't stop the violence in our children's lives by taking the right actions and behaving responsibly, then the very least we owe them might be the most powerful thing we can give them, our prayers.

Twelve Angry People[edit]

Lucy: (to Annie bashfully) Andrew Nayloss. (Annie smiles) I was just hoping to run into him and Mary was just hoping to run into Robbie!
(Mary accidentally slaps Lucy in the eye)
Mary: What if we just walk around the Promenade. I mean it doesn't cost anything to stalk Lucy's old boyfriend.
(Lucy slaps Mary in the arm)
Eric: (to the other jurors) I'm asking you to rise above that. The evidence shows that the defendant is guilty.

Hoop Dreams[edit]

Molly: Mary, you're my hero!
Mary: No, I'm not. I'm nobody's hero.
Molly (to Mary): Why don't you want to be my hero?
Mary: It's not that I don't want to be your hero. It's just that I've made a lot of mistakes, and I don't deserve to be your hero. I'm sorry. I've just...did some stupid things.
Molly's Dad: Maybe you're being a little too hard on yourself.
Mary: Yeah, or not hard enough.
John (to Matt): We make such a nice couple.
Matt: (sighs) You say the sweetest things.

Talk to Me[edit]

Eric: A young woman came into my office, and she just...appeared quietly at my door, and then...she couldn't bring herself to tell me why she was there. And it's just driving me crazy because I know she needs help. You know, maybe she was abused, maybe somebody hit her. Maybe she's a runaway. Maybe she's pregnant or---maybe she has one of 1,000 other problems, but I don't know. If she doesn't come back I'll never know. She just seemed so fragile. I didn't want to push her for a conversation because if I had she just would've run off. As it was, she disappeared, like, in the blink of an eye. I think I've seen her someplace, you know, but I can't...place her.
Annie: Does she go to school with Mary and Lucy?
Eric: She could. She's the right age. I don't think I recognize her.
Annie: Well, you could scan the yearbook...oh, but then you already have!

Liar, Liar[edit]

Love Stinks (1)[edit]

Mary (to Robbie): Don't break my heart.
Robbie: Don't break my jaw.
Mary: Don't break my heart, and I'll have no reason to break your jaw.

Love Stinks (2)[edit]

Robbie: (to Mary) So are you breaking up with me?
Mary: I'm not sure. I just.. I need some time to think. And I need to figure out before I figure out us, but that doesn't mean that we're over. It's just means that you're just gonna have to have some patience this time around. I'm going to take it slow and really get to know each other. Because I think I love you, but I need to have the chance to find out what kind of man you are. So in other words, for the first time, I'm gonna look before I leap.
Robbie: So, are you gonna go to college in the fall?
Mary: I'm not sure what I'm going to do. But when I figure it out, I'll let you know. And if you don't want to wait for me while I do all of that, I'll understand.
Robbie: I'll wait for you forever.
Mary: Then I guess I'll see you in church.

Season 5[edit]

Here We Go Again[edit]

Ruthie: (about Ms. Riddle) She's mean! She's really mean. And she makes me want to do something really, really bad.

Ruthie: This isn't just about Miss Riddle and me. When I thought about it, I'm not just angry that I'm in her class again. I'm angry about a whole lot of stuff. Are we tired of being told to be quiet?
Students: Yeah!
Ruthie: Are we tired of being made to feel stupid when we don't know something?
Students: Yeah!
Ruthie: Are we tired of not being able to ask questions?
Students: Yeah!
Ruthie: We're tired of having no choices and having grown-ups making bad choices for us.
Students: Yeah!
Ruthie: We are tired of eating bad school food. Ketchup as a vegetable? I don't think so.
Students: Yeah!
Ruthie: And if we have to learn about the stuff that doesn't interest us, why can't we also learn about the stuff that does interest us? Is it too much work to give us each individual assignments if we're willing to do them?
Students: Yeah!
Ruthie: And can't the adults do something about school safety? Aren't you scared that you're gonna get shot, or that someone else is gonna get shot? I am. There are a lot of angry kids around here. Why can't someone help them do something with their anger? I can tell you that it helps just to talk. And why can't someone help the kids who come to school hungry? It's not their fault their parents can't feed them. And why can't someone help the kids who get hit every night when they go home? Can't someone protect them? Won't someone help us? I don't just need a new teacher. We need a revolution!
Students: Yeah!!! (they all stand up) Ruthie! Ruthie! Ruthie!

Mary: Hello? Is anyone listening to me? I need a car!
Annie: Hello! Earn money and buy one.
Mary: You guys bought Matt a car. Why can't you buy me a car?
Annie: Matt was going to college. You, on the other hand, are not going to college. You are working, so you can buy your own car. How much money have you saved this summer?
Mary: Saved? On what I make? Please. You guys are forcing me to buy on credit, and you can stop talking about college, because I'm not going to college until I figure out what I'm going to college for.
Eric: Well, maybe so you can earn a living and someday even have your own house, and your own car.
Mary: Well, maybe I don't want to have my own house. You don't own this home; this is the Church's home.
Eric: Yes, but this house is a benefit of my job, which I earned after five years of college and we do have a car. Two cars. Well, three if you count the one we bought for Matt, who's in college.

Annie (to Eric): I've signed up for school today.
Eric: What school?
Annie: College, Crawford. I want to get my teaching credentials in early childhood education.
Eric: Now? You do know that we have 7 kids now.
Annie: We have the twins and Ruthie, but Simon starts high school tomorrow, Lucy graduates high school this year, Mary's out of high school and working and Matt is out on his own.
Eric (to Annie): Matt is hardly out on his own. He sleeps out on his own. He's still a kid.
Annie: Oh stop it. He and Heather are practically married.
Eric: No they're not. That's just what we say to each other whenever we think those two might be shacking up. And Mary is going to college, she's going to go to college eventually... I hope, as soon as she figures out that she doesn't enjoy minimum wage jobs.
Annie: Unfortunately, I think Mary is quite happy with her stint in the world of minimum wage.
Eric: Well I'm not happy with it. With my luck she'll probably decide to go to college when Lucy decides to go and with Matt's we'll have 3 tuitions to pay, oh plus yours. And by the way, who says that Lucy won't have the kind of senior year that Mary had. And Simon is starting high school. Do you remember what it was like when Matt started high school? High school boys are, well they're high school boys. And we shouldn't forget Ruthie, who is well on her way to being more difficult than all the other kids rolled into one. Oh and bonus, the twins are entering the terrible twos. They are not entering, they are there.
Annie: So what are you saying? That the family is so dangerous that I can't take 1 or 2 hours away from them to take one course? I'm going back to school!
Eric: When were you going to tell me this, as you were backing out of the driveway tomorrow morning?
Annie: No, I planned to tell you just when I told you.
Eric: (sarcastically) Well, thank you, Mrs. Camden!

Mary (to Eric): Yes, I'm starting a new job today.
Eric: You've had a new job every week this summer.
Mary: That's not true. I was a day camp counselor for almost three weeks.
Eric: (sarcastically) Oh, how could I forget three whole weeks?
Mary: You know, just because you're mad at Mom doesn't mean you have to take it out on me.
Eric: I'm not angry-the word is angry-at your mom, and I'm not taking it out on anyone.

Eric (to Mary): I'm angry at you for just giving up on college. And now, unfortunately, I'm even angrier at you because you bought a car, and that particular car. Did you know that I worked my way through college, and I've worked for 20 years, and a sports car is my dream, and I can't afford one?
Mary: Yes, I know that, but can I help it if I can afford it?
Eric: (laughs to himself, counts to 10 to collect himself) You bought it, you pay for it. I'm gonna let you be responsible for you. And if you ever change your mind and decide you don't like working an endless string of jobs that have absolutely no meaning for you, then you're still going to have to pay for the car.
Mary: I know. Maybe I can even sell it.
Eric: Not for what you paid for it.
Mary: Well, great. If I can make money off of it, I'll put it toward my college tuition.
Eric: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Help[edit]

Professor: (talking to Matt's college class) Here's the good news. This was just a practice test to help you prepare for the midterm. It doesn't count. Here's the bad news. Half of you didn't pass. The other half barely passed. Oh, here's some more bad news. The midterm is in two weeks, so if you don't know the material by now, when are you going to learn it? What does this all mean? For those of you who are taking organic chemistry as a requirement for pre-med, you may want to double major in pre-law, because if you don't understand chemistry, you're going to be a doctor who's gonna need a lawyer. Just wanting to be a doctor isn't good enough. You have to study hard, you have to work hard, and you have to get through this class. Class is dismissed. For some of you, I think permanently!
Matt (to John): I'm gonna study. I just couldn't this afternoon because every time I looked up from my book, I noticed how dirty the kitchen was.
John: Well, an unclean kitchen never bothered you before.
Matt: Well, it did today, and you know, I hate to mention it, but if you had cleaned your breakfast dishes from this morning, I wouldn't have wasted my entire afternoon taking care of that little chore for you.
John: (stunned) Are you trying to blame me for you not studying? So you failed your organic chemistry pre-test because of Heather, and you didn't study this afternoon because I didn't do the dishes, and you're not studying now because your mom didn't do your laundry? (Matt nods) I'm just curious. Now, if you don't pass your chemistry midterm and get kicked out of pre-med, who are you gonna blame? Me? Heather? Your mom? The Colonel? The man on the moon? Problems in the Middle East? Global warming? What?
Matt: I don't know what you're so upset about. I'm gonna do fine on my midterm.
John: But if you don't, it won't be your fault, right?
Matt: Look, you don't understand.
John: No, I think that you don't understand organic chemistry, among other things, and you're too pigheaded to admit it, and instead of just asking for help or saying "I need help," you're blaming everyone and everything, as long as it doesn't allow you to blame yourself.
Matt: You are totally out of line.
John: I don't think I am.
Matt: Do you get good grades?
John: (smiles proudly) Yes, I do.
Matt: And? (pauses, doesn't know what to say) That's because I do everything around here, and you do nothing! (storms out)
Eric (to Ruthie): Actually, your principal called this morning, and you're not in any trouble. He thinks he may have found a way to get you out of Miss Riddle's class.
Ruthie: Thank God!
Eric: What did you say?
Ruthie: Thank God. You should thank God. I talked to God and told him how unhappy I was at school, and asked Him to help.
Eric: You prayed to get out of Miss Riddle's class?
Ruthie: If you don't ask, you don't get. I just thought you and Mom could use some help.
Ruthie: (to her parents as they are visiting Eleanor Roosevelt School) They have horses! Horses!
Mrs. McCool: (to Eric and Annie) The school offers both English and western style instruction.
Ruthie: And there's no homework!
Mrs. McCool: We feel the children work hard during the day. At night, they should be free to relax and be kids. After all, we do have them seven hours a day. Of course, if Ruthie would like to spend time at home studying any subject beyond the core curriculum, we'll set up an individual program for her.
Ruthie: I may want to do that, considering I don't have to be at school until TEN!
Mrs. McCool: (laughs) We have a flexible schedule. Students can start as late as ten, but then they go until five. Not every student does his or her best work early in the morning. Plus, we have a 14 to 1 student ratio and a whole list of after-school trips and projects. Last year, we took a group of students to the National Gallery in Washington, D.C. and met the President. I think that Ruthie would make a wonderful addition to our school. If you have any questions, please call.
Eric and Annie: Thank you. (they shake her hand)
Mrs. McCool: Bye, Ruthie. (leaves)
Ruthie: Boy, when God answers a prayer, he answers a prayer!
Annie: Does that mean you want to go to school here?
Ruthie: Oh, yeah!
Lucy (to Ruthie): If you got into that school, you should be honored. You should go.
Ruthie: No. I will not go! You cannot make me! I'm just going to run away.
Lucy: If you run away, you'll still have to make all new friends.
Ruthie: No I won't. My friend Sarah will come with me and we'll join the circus, and when we're old enough we'll marry clowns!
Lucy: You have put way too much thought into this whole thing.
Ruthie: Why has God forsaken me? WHY?
Eric: (to the Colonel about Mary) Look, Annie and I aren't happy that she's not going to college, but she's working. She's earning a living, paying her bills.
Colonel: Who let her buy the car?
Eric: No one let her. She just went out and bought it. And as much as I think she shouldn't have, that car is a responsibility that she can't run away from. She has to work hard and and keep her job because she has to pay for that car.
Colonel: Son, to win a war you've got to fight. You got to get in there and get your hands dirty and make something happen, and you have to have a battle plan. What's your battle plan?
Eric: This isn't a war.
Colonel: Oh, it's a war, all right. And a stake is Mary's future.
Eric: As much as we would like to force Mary into doing what we know is best for her, we can't. She's an adult. She has to do this on her own.
Colonel: And what if she doesn't?
Eric: She will.
Colonel (to Mary): All right. You need money? I can help you. I have a friend who owns a clothing goods store and could use your help. It doesn't sound like much, but there's room for growth. And if you do decide to go to college, they will work around your schedule.
Mary: So you'll talk to a friend who can get me a job, but you won't lend me the money yourself?
Colonel: Right.
Mary: I don't want to work at a clothing goods store.
Mary (to the Colonel): Ah. I see. So you're going to help me, but only if I do exactly what you, Mom and Dad want me to do.
Colonel: Well, I'm not just going to give you money.
Mary: You're not giving it to me! It's a loan!
Colonel: No.
Colonel: Mary, if you ever change your mind and need help, you let me know.
Mary: I'm not going to change my mind. I don't need help, I need money. So thank you for nothing!
Mary: (on the phone with insurance people) I am begging you, please don't cancel my policy. I know, but I got fired, and you have to give me more than a couple of days to come up with the money.....I can't drive my car without insurance! Don't you get it? No car equals no job. I have to have insurance! Look, you can tell whomever you want that you're cancelling my insurance, but you can't stop me from driving my own car. Oh, yeah? Watch me! (slams phone down)

Losers[edit]

Ruthie: Why is Mary's car in the driveway? Isn't she supposed to be at work, or did she get fired again?!
Lucy: Time for school!
Mary: What's up?
Eric: You tell us. Is this your day off?
Annie: Did you get fired?
Eric: Building burned down? Business close for an epidemic?
Mary: Uh-uh.
Ruthie: Quit?
Mary: I just got another job that's all. I'm working at Pete's Pizza. I just didn't like the pool hall. I kept getting the day shift, and, well, I like the night life, I like to boogie.
Ruthie: Is it me or is she starting to spin?
Mary: They want me to work the double shift today: 12:00 to 12:00.
Ruthie: Well, maybe we can do something then.
Mary: Yeah, maybe we could. Hey, I could bring a pizza home with me and I could wake you up, and we could have a midnight snack.
Ruthie: Yeah! Then you could sleep over in my room!
Mary: Okay. It's a date!
Guy: (to Mary, who is their waitress at a pizza place) Hey, you want to sit down and have a piece with us?
Mary: Um, no. I don't. Can I get you anything else?
Guy: Yeah. I'll have your phone number written on your underwear!
Guy: (in a taunting voice) Hey, Mary, we're saving a piece for ya!
Frankie: (walks over to the table) Do you know who you're talking to? Minister's daughter. Give her a break. Behave yourself.
Guy: And if we don't?
Frankie: Then you're all going to hell.
Everyone: (humored) Ooooooh!
Frankie: I mean it.
Johnny: (about the customers harassing Mary) Let my wife handle them. She's good with those types.
Mary: Frances is your wife?
Johnny: Not Frances. No one calls her Frances. It's Frankie. We've been married for a year.
Mary: But you look so young!
Johnny: We are young. Frankie's your age, and I'm 21.
Mary: Yeah, I thought about getting married once, too.
Johnny: What changed your mind?
Mary: I don't know. I guess I just wasn't ready.
Johnny: Yeah, well, neither were we, but the baby changed all that.
Frankie (to Mary): I'm just gonna have a cigarette. You want one?
Mary: Oh, no, thanks, I don't smoke.
Frankie: Neither did I. Well, I stopped when I found out I was pregnant, but as soon as I popped Mercy out, I lit up again.
Mary: Mercy. What a great name.
Frankie: She's a great baby. She's real good, she never cries. Probably because my mother watches her most of the time. She's good with babies. It's teenagers she can't handle.
Eric (to Ruthie): Hey. You going to bed already?
Ruthie: Soon. I have to get up at midnight. Mary's bringing home pizza, and we're having a sleepover! It's gonna be great!
Eric: Would you like me to set the clock alarm so you get up on time?
Ruthie: You're the best dad ever!
Eric: Gosh. You know...it seems like just yesterday Mary was your age.
[After Mary has been pulled over for being suspected of drinking and driving]
Officer (to Mary): Look, don't ever be in such a hurry that you aren't careful. I want you to be able to have pizza with your sister for the rest of your life.
Mary: Yeah. So do I.
Mary: I love you, Ruthie.
Ruthie: If you loved me, you would have been home at midnight. (turns over and closes her eyes.)

Busted[edit]

Johnny: Fire's ready. (sits down with a beer)
Frankie: So, if the fire's ready...
Johnny: Do I have to do everything?
Frankie: Well, I did everything else!
Johnny: Fine, I'll cook the steaks! (storms out)
Frankie: (to Mary) Don't ever get married.
Mary: Marriage takes a lot of work.
Frankie: You have no idea.
Frankie: (on phone with Mary) Hey, what if you and I both decided to sign up for college together next semester?
Johnny: (smirks in the background) Be sure to apply for that scholarship!
Mary: Are you serious?
Frankie: Sure, I'm serious. I don't know what I want to do, either, but I know I don't want to wait tables for the rest of my life.
Mary (to Frankie): Is that... Is that pot?
Frankie: Yeah. I just need it to loosen up. This whole mother and wife gig really sucks.
Frankie (to Johnny): Why do you always have to act like this when somebody comes over?
Johnny: I don't act like this whenever someone comes over, I act like this all the time.
Frankie: Right. You do act like this all the time. So when are you going to grow up?
Johnny: Get off my case, will you?
Frankie: You could at least help me out a little around here. It's not like I ask you to do that much.
Johnny: You don't ask me to do that much? You asked me to marry you, didn't you?
Frankie: (about Johnny) He's not such a bad guy, you know. He wanted to go to college, too, major in English Lit, and be a writer.
Mary: Hey. We all still have plenty of time to be whatever it is we want to be, right?
Frankie: Right. (The baby starts crying from her crib) Whatever I'm going to be doesn't change who I already am: a mom.
Frankie (to Mary): It just seems so unfair. You make one little mistake, you know?
Mary: Yeah, I know. I made a big mistake once, too. I got arrested last year for trashing the school gym.
Frankie: (laughs) Arrested? You?
Mary: Yeah. I'm still on probation.
Frankie: Oh, so that's why you don't drink or smoke or anything.
Mary: Yeah, kind of.....but also because I feel so out of control, anyway--like I couldn't get my life back on track even if I wanted to. Not that I want to--I mean, it's not so bad, but it's just...
Frankie: Existing. Just existing. I know what you mean. Every time I make an effort to do something, it just feels like there's so much resistance...and I give up before I even start trying.
Mary: Maybe we could help each other. Maybe we could make an effort together. Maybe we could go to college and see if anything changes. I brought the brochures--do you want to look at them?
Frankie: No, not right now, I'm too out of it. Maybe some other time.
Mary: (disappointed) Yeah. Maybe some other time. (stands up)
Frankie: No, don't say it like that. Don't give up on me. I need a friend.
Mary: Well, I need a friend too.
Frankie: (on phone with Mary) Hey, your dad got us out. Thanks so much for getting him to help us.
Mary: You know, I was kind of surprised you called him.
Frankie: Yeah, well, I didn't know who else to call. After I got pregnant, my mom told me never to call her again if I got into trouble. Of course, your dad made me promise to talk to her, and to a counselor, and whatever. But at least I didn't have to call her from jail, you know? (pause) You are really lucky to have parents who are always there for you.
Mary: Dad, please. They really are my friends. Frankie is my friend! She asked me to bring over those college brochures tonight so we could look over them, and make a plan to go back to school.
Eric: And did you?
Mary: (pause) No.
Eric: Because she was too stoned? Mary, who are you and what are you doing with these people?
Mary: (about Frankie and Johnny) They are good people. They're both working, and they're trying to raise this kid, and it's really hard...
Eric: So hard that they have to smoke pot?
Mary (about Frankie and Johnny): If you're not going to help them, I'll help them.
Eric: How? You don't have a job, you don't have any money. You have to help yourself before you can help anyone else!

Blind[edit]

Frankie (to Mary): I came all this way to beg you in person. Please watch Mercy. Please. Be my friend, and do me this one favor. I just need an hour, and your sister said your aunt and uncle would be gone all day. (pauses) I think Johnny's cheating on me. I want to follow him, catch him in the act. And I can't do that unless you watch Mercy.
Mary: (hesitates) One hour, right?
Frankie: Two hours max.
Mary: Please don't blow this.
Frankie: I won't. I won't. I'll just go get Mercy.
Mary: You left her in the car?
Frankie: I rolled the window down. Man, you're the best friend ever. (leaves)
Mary: Yeah, or the stupidest friend ever.
Johnny: None of this is my fault. I didn't want a baby. I didn't want to get married.
Eric: But you did want sex, right? That you did want. You just didn't want the responsibility that comes with the sex.
Annie (to Frankie): What are you doing?
Frankie: What do you mean?
Annie: What are you doing with that man?
Frankie: Look, Johnny is a great husband and father.
Annie: He tried to hit you. He would have hit you if my husband hadn't stepped in.
Frankie: But I love him, okay?
Annie: Do you love Mercy?
Frankie: Of course I love her!
Annie: Then why do you keep putting her at risk? If Johnny had hit you, or if someone had called the police, you and Johnny would be in jail right now. If that happened, then what would happen to Mercy?
Frankie: Are you actually suggesting that I leave Johnny? I can't raise a kid on my own.
Annie: You can't stay with a man who hits you. You can't. Mercy will grow up thinking that's what women do: they get hit. Is that what you want to teach her?
Julie: This was a mistake. I'm never leaving Erica again, ever!
Mary: Please don't say that.
Hank: We come home, the house is a mess, the baby is a mess, there's another baby here we don't even know. You had guests over after we told you not to, and you were drinking. What is wrong with you?
Mary: The beer isn't mine, it's Frankie's. Frankie drank it.
Hank: That's your defense. "The beer belongs to my pot-smoking friend?" How stupid do you think we are?
Julie: Let's just forget the fact that I'm a recovering alcoholic, and that any trace of alcohol in my house doesn't exactly make me happy. Let's assume that you're telling the truth, it's not your beer. Let's talk about how you, my underage niece, happens to have be involved with an underage friend who has beer. What's happened to you? Who are you?
Julie: I don't know if I believe Mary.
Hank: I think we should tell Eric and Annie about her--about the beer, and that she's still hanging out with Frankie.
Julie: I hate to get her in trouble. If this were an isolated incident. She wasn't drunk. She could be telling the truth.
Hank: But if she is in trouble, and we don't say anything, how are we going to feel later? That we knew she was in trouble, and we did nothing.
Lucy (to Eric): I'm sorry about tonight I was trying to watch everyone and I shouldn't have let Simon sneak out of the house.
Eric: It's not your fault you weren't in charge of Simon. Simon is in charge of Simon.
Simon: (about his earring) But if I take it out, the hole will close up!
Eric: Exactly!
Simon: That's not fair. Why can't I keep the earring?
Ruthie: Because you look like a girl!
Annie: You went out of the house tonight without our permission. You went to the house of someone we don't know and have never met. At that house you allowed that someone we don't know to pierce your ear.
Eric: Be grateful that the only thing we're doing is making you take out your earring out.
Simon: Fine!
Lucy: Why don't you girls go outside and play, and I'll set us up a picnic lunch?
Rachel: I don't like eating outside. It's a bug thing.
Lucy: Okay. Well, then, we'll have a picnic indoors.
Sarah: With orange soda?
Rachel: I don't like orange soda, and neither does Ruthie.
Sarah: Ruthie likes orange soda.
Lucy: Who wants a cookie?
Rachel: Ruthie's my best friend, and I think I know if she likes orange soda!
Sarah: She was my best friend first.
Rachel: But you obviously don't know her as well as I do!
Sarah: Yes, I do.
Rachel: NO, YOU DON'T!
Lucy: Really. Taste a cookie. They're still warm.
Rachel: What's Ruthie's favorite color?
Sarah: Purple.
Rachel: Blue! What does she want to be when she grows up?
Sarah: A vet.
Rachel: Queen Elizabeth! See, I told you that you didn't know her. I know her. She's my best friend!
Lucy: (to Sarah and Rachel) Okay, I have been listening to you two all day, and a couple of things are clear. You both like Ruthie, and you both have a different relationship with Ruthie--which happens. Different people see different things in you, and they bring out different qualities, and...
Rachel: No offense, but if I wanted an after-school special lecture, I'd turn on my TV.
Lucy (to Rachel): Okay. You be quiet for a second and listen to me! (to Sarah) And you! well, you like adults. And I'm an adult, a very tired adult, who's tired of having to listen to you and Rachel fight. I need a time-out, an adult time-out, which can only happen if you both go home. Now. Right away. I will call your parents and tell them whatever you want me to tell them, but please just go home! I promise that Ruthie will have you both over again separately!

Broke[edit]

Simon: (when Mary wants to borrow money) No, no, no!
Mary: I will drive you on dates or anywhere you want to go.
Simon: Your car seats two. Where's my date supposed to sit, in the trunk?
Simon: This isn't Mary. I'm her brother Simon.
Collector: Well, when Mary gets in, would you tell her that if she doesn't pay these bills immediately, we will involve the local authorities.
Simon: Wait, you mean the police?
Collector: Yes. You can't just charge for merchandise and not pay your bills; there are laws. And if we have to, we'll enforce those laws to recoup our losses.
Simon: What are we gonna do about this?
Lucy: We're gonna let Mary handle it. It's her problem, not ours.
Ruthie: Please don't let them put Mary in jail again.
Simon: You say to let Mary handle it, but she's not. We're the ones getting the calls, and sooner or later Mom and Dad are gonna find out. And deadbeat or not, she's still our sister.
Lucy: (to Mary) See the trick isn't getting the job, it's keeping the job.
Mary: Why are you so snotty?
Lucy: Considering I spent the day dodging creditors and breaking into piggy banks, I think I'm entitled to be a little snotty.
Matt: This is Bernie, Mary Camden's attorney.
Credit Card Collector: Mary Camden can't afford to pay a $50 bill but she has an attorney?
Mary: I'm sorry. I haven't been completely honest with you. But from now on no more lies. Yes, honesty is my new policy.
(The phone rings and Mary gets fired)
Lucy: Who was that?
Mary: Wrong number.
Eric (about Mary): You know, she quit her job at the pool hall, she quit her job at Pete's Pizza. She doesn't have any friends. Well, not any good ones. She needs a job.
Annie: Yes, Mary needs a job, and money, and friends, good ones. But she has bills to pay. She also needs to take a job to pay those bills. And the job she takes probably won't be a job she loves or even likes. And then she'll see how important it is to have a job you love. And jobs people love usually involve training and/or education. That will force her to set goals and move forward
Eric: Are you just going to will her into this realization?
Annie: She's not on our schedule. We need to give her time. She'll realize it when she realizes it.
Eric: In the meantime, no job plus no money equals no car, right? I mean, if she can't pay for the car, she'll lose it.
Annie: So let her lose the car.
Eric: This isn't about losing Mary's car. This is about losing Mary!
Annie: You think I don't know that? You know, just because I'm not a minister or a therapist doesn't mean I don't know when she's in trouble. I'm her mother! And I think she needs to be the one to ask for help, and she's not ready yet!
Eric: Well, I'm her father, and I say she needs help now, whether she asks for it or not!
Annie: What you mean to say is that you're the expert, and what you say goes!

Bye[edit]

Matt: (about Mary and her money problems) I don't have time for this.
Lucy: I don't have time for this, either! I have a paper to write!
Matt: You know, I don't even know why we're yelling at each other when we should really be yelling at Mary.
Lucy: We can't yell at Mary. We can't find her!
Annie: You stole $500 from your own brothers?! From babies?!
Ruthie: I'm sorry, it's all my fault. Punish me any way you like.
Matt: What's going on?
Eric: What do you think is going on? Your 10-year-old sister is lying about stealing money so the rest of you can cover for Mary.
Annie: Is that it? Is that the truth!?
Ruthie: No! You're wrong! I took it. I'm very bad. I'm a very bad girl.
Matt: No, Ruthie. I'm a very bad big brother for letting this happen.
Mary: (after her parents find a joint in her bedroom) I can't believe you searched my room! What are you, communists? I have rights, you know!
Annie: I guess I just can't explain this often enough. A right is something that can never be taken away from you. For example, you have the right to be indignant now, and I can't take that away, but privacy? Well, privacy is a privilege when you live with your parents, and privileges can be taken away. Now, we knew that you were in trouble, but we had no idea that you were this far down the road!
Eric (to Mary): Have you ever tried smoking marijuana?
Mary: Well, even if I did, what is so wrong with experimenting? I mean, what's the harm in just trying it? Everybody's gonna try it sometime.
Eric: Well, first of all, not everyone. Not me, for example. And secondly, let me see if I can answer the "what's the harm" question. I suppose for some people, nothing ever comes from the fact that they tried smoking pot, but for other people, plenty comes from the fact that they tried smoking pot. Lifelong, illegal habits. The need to try other, harder drugs. Addiction to those drugs. Arrest. Conviction. Jail time. Those kinds of things. The question really is, to which people do you belong? There's no way of knowing. But "experimenting" to find out? That's quite a risk, don't you think? I think it is, especially for someone who's on probation.
Annie: You stole money from your own brothers?! From babies?! This is pathetic. Really pathetic. We had no idea that you were this far down the road.
Mary: I am not in trouble.
Eric: Life gets so complicated when you don't tell the truth.
Mary: So what's best for everyone is to ship me off to Siberia to live with old people?!
Annie: Yep, that's basically it. You will live with your grandparents, you will take a job working at a homeless shelter, with your first few checks going to Sam and David. And in January, you and Grandma will take a course.
Mary: What if I am not going to do this?
Annie: In my heart of hearts, I know this is the right thing. This is the right thing to do! I love you! Remember what you said, it's better to have an angry kid then a dead kid!
Matt: (to Mary) Look, I'm sorry I haven't been around much. You're important to me. What happens to you is important to me. What happens to you is important to everyone in the family, but I've been watching you, and I haven't really been interested in being a part of anything that's going on in your life, so I've basically avoided you, but maybe I should have cornered you and given you my take on what you're doing a lot sooner. I've seen so many young women who are losers, mostly in the emergency room or entering drug rehab at the hospital. I don't want you to be a loser. It's too easy to be the bad girl. You're better than that. I know I'm not perfect. I know I don't have all the answers, but I can tell you this. The most powerful thing I ever did for myself was make up my mind to become a responsible person, and I still haven't worked up to being responsible 24 hours a day, but I'm getting better at it. And I'm hoping that sharing this with you will help you make up your mind to become a responsible person! If you can't do it for yourself, then maybe you could consider the rest of us, and how much we need you to be responsible. Whatever you do affects us all. I know you know that, and yet you act like you don't care. All of us have to strive to be the best we can be, not because anything else is unacceptable, but because anything else is just plain misery. I can see you're miserable. You are. This is not the best you can do. You can do better, and I will do anythingI can to help you do better. You just have to make up your mind that that's what you want to do, and I'm there for you. We all are.
Simon: (to Mary) I know I'm considered "The Bank of Simon", and you all laugh at that, but here's what I like about money. It tells you right who you are in numbers, not words that can hurt your feelings or make you mad. Numbers are undisputed facts, and the fact is, your numbers point to trouble. It's simple. You don't make as much as you spend, and you don't make enough to meet your obligations. You'd see that if you looked at the numbers, but I know you don't like to do that. I can help you set up a budget and a payment schedule if you want, but even if you don't want, take my advice. Don't spend anything else until you pay off your debt, and then don't get into debt again! And the first thing you have to pay off is your personal debt--the money you owe Sam and David. Now, I know that a lot of people would put that off to last, and maybe a professional finance guy would tell you to pay your institutional enders first, but I'm your brother, and I'm telling you that morally, the right thing to do is to pay people first, especially relatives. And when you see that little column of debt marked "Sam and David" reach zero debt, that zero is going to tell you right who you are, just like I said. It's gonna say that you, Mary Camden, care more about your family than anyone else. It's gonna say that you care about keeping your promises to your family more than anything else. And when you see all those other little columns of debt go down, week after week, the page is gonna tell the facts of your debt recovery. It's a beautiful thing, and I want you to have a beautiful thing, because I love you.
Lucy (to Mary): I love you, too. All right, this is hard. (trying not to cry) You're my big sister. And I look up to you. Or at least I did. You've always been better at school than I am, you've always been better at everything than I am. And that, at times, has made me feel inferior. Yet most of the time, it's given me something to work toward, because I wanted to be like you. But I don't want to be like you anymore.
Ruthie: (to Mary) I must be at the wrong meeting. I don't know where all this chummy advice and gushy stuff is coming from, because I thought we were all supposed to tell you how mad we are. I'm mad, really mad. You're selfish. You don't care anything about the rest of us, so I don't know why we're all supposed to care so much about you. You act like you're the center of the entire Camden universe! I'm tired of eating a cold dinner every night because we're all hoping you'll come home and eat with us. I'm tired of waking up every night when you clump up those stairs. I'm tired of Mom and Dad fighting about you. I'm tired of covering for you, and I'm not doing it anymore! You made me lie to Mom and Dad, you never came home to have pizza with me like you promised. All you care about is you!
Lucy (to Mary): Please don't leave like this.
Mary: How did you think I was going to leave? I am being sent off to live with the Colonel and Grandma Ruth in Buffalo! You know what Buffalo is like, and you know what they are like! What made you think I was going to be happy, huh?! What?
Lucy: I didn't know anything about it, OK? And maybe Mom and Dad are more concerned with your safety than your happiness!
Mary: Get out!
Lucy: Is this how you're gonna say goodbye?
Mary: Yeah, yeah. This is how I'm gonna say goodbye. And you can tell the rest of them to stay out of here, because I don't want to talk to any of you!
Mary: (screams out angrily to Eric and Annie) I'll meet you in the car! (slams the door)
Annie: Mary wouldn't leave without saying good-bye to her brothers and sisters, would she?
Eric: Don't be surprised if she gets on the plane without even saying good-bye to us.
Annie: I hate this.

Gossip[edit]

Tunes[edit]

Suprise![edit]

Home[edit]

One Hundred[edit]

Annie: Who would leave a baby on our doorstep?
Ruthie: God.
Annie: That's sweet, but I think God had a little help on this one.
Robbie: What's that pizza lady's baby doing here?
Annie: You've seen this baby?
Robbie: Yeah, at Pete's Pizza.
Annie: Frankie and Johnny.
Robbie: Yeah, that's her name. Frankie. She works at Pete's and brings the baby in with her sometimes.
Annie: Are you sure this is her?
Robbie: No offense, I know all babies are beautiful, but I'd recognize that head anywhere.
Eric: I still can't believe I forgot my birthday!
Ruthie: You're old. Old people forget stuff.
Eric (to Mary): You were doing so well.
Mary: I still am doing well.
Eric: You know. I'm really happy to see you, but you're in a lot of trouble.
Mary: Trouble?
Eric: Running away from the Colonel and Ruth's to sneak off and see Robbie? Yeah, I think I'd qualify that as trouble.
Mary: What? Dad, I didn't come here to see Robbie. I came here to see you. It was supposed to be a surprise. I mean, Mom thought we could get Robbie here and back to pick me up without you ever noticing.
Eric: Wait a minute. Your MOTHER knew about this??
Mary: Everyone knew.
Lucy: (as Eric opens Lucy's acceptance letter to seminary school) Happy birthday, Dad. I know what I want to be. I'm going to study theology and become a minister. Just like you. Well, I hope I'll be as good as you--I'm gonna try. I found out a while ago, but I wanted to save it and give it to you for your birthday. It was either that or a tie.
Annie: So basically, this is about your pride. Pride is not a luxury that you can afford if you want to keep your baby. You have to talk to your parents.
Johnny: I can't. They said they would never forgive me. They won't talk to me.
Annie: Yes, they will. I spoke with them earlier on the phone. They want to talk with you, they want to help. So now, all you have left to do is swallow your pride, get up off that bench, and go and call them. We can go back to Pete's and call them.
Johnny: It's not going to be easy.
Annie: Being a parent never is. Let's go.
Lucy: Your mother spoke to me.
Mike: What? That's great! She spoke? That's unbelievable!
Lucy: She told me she wants you to put her in an institution. It's not great!
Mike: Why would my mom want that?
Lucy: I think the reason she hasn't been talking is because she thought that not talking to you would drive you away or make you put her away.
Mike: I don't understand.
Lucy: I think your mom blames herself for your suicide attempt and your father's death.
Mike: She said that?
Lucy: She didn't have to. A couple years ago, a friend of mine died in a car accident. She was on her way to pick me up, and the next thing I knew, she was dead, and her sister was in the hospital. I was convinced that the accident was all my fault. I was so sure that the accident was all my fault, I couldn't even bring myself to go to her funeral. I kept thinking that if she hadn't been on her way to pick me up, she'd still be alive. I felt so guilty. To be honest, even today, I still feel a little guilty.
Mike: What are you getting at?
Lucy: If my friend were alive, the one thing I would want her to hear from her is forgiveness. I would want her to tell me that it was not my fault. Maybe that's selfish, I don't know. And I know that my experience is nothing compared to what you and your mom have been through, but guilt is guilt, and guilt is a very powerful thing.
Mike: (to his mother) I need to talk to you, and I need for you to really hear me. I'm not putting you in a hospital. Not now, not ever. If you won't talk to me for the rest of my life, I still won't ever do that. I love you unconditionally, forever, and nothing you do will ever change that. (long pause) Mom, Dad did what Dad did. He killed himself. He did it. Not me, not you. He made the decision and just did it. It wasn't your fault. He had problems, and he chose death as a solution. It was a bad solution. Actually, it's no solution. Death solves nothing. It only leaves pain and torment for everyone you leave behind. Dad was selfish, and it was wrong. I know this because I was selfish. I was wrong. I tried death myself. I tried it. I tried to end my life. Me, not you. Me. I took the pills. I drank the vodka. I locked the door, and I waited to die. I gave up on life. Me. Not you! I failed. I, I, I! Not Dad, not you, not anyone. I thought giving up would be easier than getting over Dad. I was wrong, and it was not in your power to stop me. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. I have free will. I just exercised it in the wrong direction. I want to see you embrace life and stop feeling badly. You've done nothing but be a great mom. I'm so lucky to have you in my life.
Mrs. Pierce: (long pause) So…you forgive me?
Mike: There's nothing to forgive. You didn't do anything but love me and Dad!

Kiss[edit]

V-Day[edit]

Sweeps[edit]

Parents[edit]

Crazy[edit]

Apologize[edit]

Virgin[edit]

Matt: (to Simon and Ruthie) Why is such a terrible question, really. I mean everytime you ask why , a because follows and everytime you say because, another why is asked.

Regrets[edit]

Chances (1)[edit]

Are (2)[edit]

Season 6[edit]

Changes[edit]

Eric (to Lucy): You left home. You went to New York. You moved in with Jeremy and his family and without warning, boom, you were back on our doorstep. We'd like to know what happened.
Lucy: You know, it was a bad goodbye, a long terrible flight and I don't feel like talking about it.
Eric: What do you mean by "bad goodbye?"
Lucy: I am 18! I am an adult, I don't feel like talking about it!
Lucy: I don't feel like having dinner with everyone. I really don't feel like being around people, so I'm just gonna go pick up something. Is that a problem?
Eric: You know, I pulled a lot of strings to get you into Cobell Seminary. Are you planning on going back to New York and to Cobell?
Lucy: Isn't it enough that I'm not getting married? Do you want me to tell you I'm not going to college in New York? Is that what you want, more bad news? Okay, fine, I'm not going to Cobell! Are you happy? (storms out in tears)
Matt: Well, it looks like not only is Lucy back, she's crying just the good old days. Some things never change, huh?
Eric (to Matt): What are you doing home?
Matt: Well, didn't Mom tell you? I got laid off.
Matt: Dad, I haven't been out of work for 48 hours.
Eric: You can't afford to be out of work for 48 hours much less 72 hours or any amount of hours.
Eric (to Ruthie): What's new?
Ruthie: Nothing really. I'm just a couple of years away from puberty. I'm pre-puberty, prepubescent, they call it. So, I'm going to be going through some changes.
Eric: Yes you are. And I hope you know that whatever changes you're experiencing, that you can talk to me about them. Changes can be very exciting. Changes can be scary. And sometimes we have very little control over the changes we experience. None, really. Except the way we react to those changes and controlling our reactions require a lot of conscious effort. So, we don't want to get too stressed out. We just have to stand back, observe what's going on, go with the flow, live life from moment to moment, doing the best we can do for who we are.
Ruthie: That's deep. Are we talking about you or me?
Eric: Everything pretty much. Do you have any questions?
Ruthie: Maybe later.
The Colonel (to Mary): Hi. You know, if you spent as much time at school as you do with that boyfriend of yours, you would now have one year of college under your belt, instead of just a couple of courses.
Mary: I know. But I'm not sure if college is my goal.
The Colonel: What is your goal? Marriage?
Mary: Maybe. We're thinking about it.
The Colonel: I think Wilson is a fine young man and a good father to his son and you would be a good wife and mother if that's what you decide you want.
Mary: But?
The Colonel: But, let's say you marry and God forbid something happens to Wilson. Would you be able to support little Billy? Now this is not the first time you thought about this, right? You know, I think a college education offers more opportunities for employment, but you're not interested in college. Maybe you should try public service. Public service is a wonderful way to serve your country and support your family. And my dear, it seems very clear that you are about to have your own family. So let's not waste anytime on trying to figure out who we are and what we want to do. You are the future Mrs. Wilson West, mother to Billy West. Get a job at the end of the week.
Annie (to Eric): I'm sorry. I just can't be there for you right now. I went to the doctor last week... and...
Eric: We're pregnant again, aren't we? Are we?
Annie: Eric, how could you think that?
Eric: Well, you're tired, you're hungry, you're eating weird.
Annie: So, we're not pregnant! I'm starting to go through the change of life. I'm starting to get hot flashes. I can't sleep at night. And...
Eric: Menopause?
Annie: Well, technically I'm in peri-menopause.
Eric: Well, that's great. Thank you Jesus! Tell me what you're thinking? It's okay. I'm here for you. We're in this together.
Annie: I'll tell you what I'm thinking. First of all, we're not in this one together. I'm in this alone. As much as this is about me, my body, my mind...and spirit, I need to be by myself more, uh, whether that's in he kitchen or the bedroom. So, secondly, I may not want to be as intimate as frequently as we have been in the past. And I don't want to be pressured.
Eric: Have I ever pressured you to be intimate?
Annie: You said you missed me the other night, that was pressure.
Annie: I don't know what's going on with me.
Eric: Annie, you're going be fine. Everything is going to be okay.
Annie: You don't know that. All we know is that everything is going to CHANGE!
Eric: (to himself) Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.
Eric (to Simon): You know this isn't a conversation I want to have with my son who is six weeks away from getting his learner's permit.
Simon: Four weeks.
Eric: Six.
Simon: But you said four.
Eric: Now I say six.
Simon: But the law says I could have gotten it six months ago.
Eric: Yeah, but I'm the law here in this house, six weeks?
Simon: But the law is the law outside of this house, and that law, the law that every other teenager relies on as protection from overbearing parents says otherwise.
Eric: And yet it's going to be six weeks, and if your attitude doesn't change its going to be seven, eight or nine weeks depending on when you recognize that driving is a privilege.
Simon: Yes, driving is a privilege. It's a privilege that comes at 15 and is granted by the DMV.
Eric: Let me ask you something, Do you live at the DMV? Do you eat at the DMV? Did the DMV buy you those sneakers that are in your closet that you never wear? And one more thing, is the DMV buying you dinner?

Teased[edit]

Simon: Those guy are losers man, you know that.
Mick: Yeah, I know that. That's why I'm gonna blow 'em away.
Simon: I beg your pardon?
Mick: Hey, you said it yourself, right? I mean one day they're gonna push me too far and I'm gonna blow 'em away.
Simon: But you don't mean that?
Mick: Yeah...I do. I can't take it anymore.
Simon: I understand that, but...when you start talking about actually blowing people away...
Mick: We've moved 10 times, and every time it's the same, they're all the same. All of 'em.
Simon: Shooting people won't solve your problems.
Mick: Right, should I just let--uh, what's it called, their teasing. Yeah, I should let all their teasing roll off my back.
Simon: It's better than shooting people.
Mick: Not for me.
Simon: For everyone, come on. You know you don't want to hurt anyone.
Mick: You know...I do. The only way these guys are gonna shut up is if they can't talk anymore. But look, I just wanted to call to say thanks, and don't worry, you won't get hurt.
Kid #1: (to Simon) What's with you, Camden?
Kid #2: I don't care what's with him. (to Simon) Just don't embarrass us like that again.
Kid #3: Or we might shoot you.
Simon: (to teacher) Excuse me. You had to have just heard that. You did, didn't you? You heard the whole thing, and then you just, what, hid in your classroom?!
Teacher: Students aren't the only targets, Simon.
Simon: Well, can't you at least talk to their parents?
Teacher: I have. The parents are just like them.
Simon: So what are we gonna do about this!?
Annie: Ruthie asked me to tell you not to call her Snooky anymore.
Robbie: I thought she liked it. What happened?
Annie: Well, Lucy told her that you calling her Snooky is a polite way of calling her Sneaky.
Robbie: That's not it at all.
Annie: Well, then you better go tell her. She's pretty upset. She likes you a lot.
Robbie: Are you kidding? She loves me!
Annie: I know. (starts crying and hugs Robbie) We all love you, we do!
Robbie: I never said you were a sneaky person. I said you were sneaking cookies. That's all.
Ruthie: But you still think I'm sneaky.
Robbie: I don't think you're sneaky. I think you're cute. And I think the name "Snooky" suits you....and I like the sound of it even if you never snuck a cookie. And I like having a special name for you because you and I have a special relationship. I never had a little sister. I think you're great.
Simon: (to his family) What is wrong with everyone? What's with all the teasing and the name-calling? Why do we have to keep doing that? You know what, I'm sick of it. I can't take it anymore.
Lucy: When you marry someone, you marry their family, and I didn't marry Jeremy because I didn't marry his family.
Annie: So you quit school, and came home.
Lucy: Maybe I'm not cut out for the ministry.
Annie: Because?
Lucy: Because his family teased me relentlessly for being a goody-good-two-shoes. They called me Mother Teresa.
Annie: She was a great woman.
Lucy: I am not Mother Teresa. I offer what I said to Ruthie as proof. I should only hope to do one thing as great as any of the millions of things Mother Teresa ever did. They drink, they smoke pot, and they throw a lot of parties, and yet...I liked them. I don't approve of how they live their lives, but I liked them. I like everybody. They just didn't like me. I kinda got kicked out.
Annie: How could anyone tease my baby for being good?
Lucy: It's hardly a Camden world out there.
Ruthie: I just want to know what happened.
Lucy: The way you're always sneaking around, I'm surprised you don't know already. In fact, that's what your nickname should be. Sneaky. Not Snooky, but Sneaky.
Ruthie: I'm not sneaky!
Lucy: Yes, you are, and I think Robbie was trying to tell you that in a nice way.
Ruthie: No he wasn't! He doesn't think I'm sneaky, he was teasing me.
Lucy: Yeah, but why do you think he was teasing you? Maybe he was trying to point something out to you. Good night, Sneaky! (turns over and goes to sleep; Ruthie's eyes fill with tears)
Simon: (to his Social Studies class) I don't feel safe at school, and I'm tired of waiting for everyone else to make our school safe for us. You know, every time there's a shooting, we hear that the shooter was someone who felt that there was a score to settle, and it's always someone who felt they had to shoot someone to get even. You know, that's a weird concept. Some calls you a name, so you kill them? But the name-callers are relentless. You know they are. And like a pack, they engage others in their hunt to destroy the already vulnerable students. They're torturing people. And you know what? We allow it. We hear them, we don't speak up. Or worse, we hear them, we join in. If not in the hallways, on the internet. The teasing that isolates one student or a couple of students from the rest of us has to stop. And I think the only way it's going to, is if we stop ourselves. The issue is not who's to blame. The issue is who's going to take the responsibility. Why don't we claim responsibility? I mean, after all we're the one with the really power here. We have the power to change people's lives. We have the power to save people's lives.So I say we claim that power. Seize the day. You know, there are always going to be cliques in high school, there are always gonna be the popular students and the not-so-popular students. There are always gonna be winners and losers, teasers and the teased. But I think it's time for the mean and the cruel to be silenced by our insistance...before they or any of us is silenced by a gun. You know, because we don't know who's on the brink. We can't know who's merely threatening retaliation, and who's actually is capable of carrying out a threat. What we do know...is that we can make a difference.

Sympathy[edit]

Annie: Robbie has offered to pay $200 a month, but he wants a 3-year lease so he can stay here until he finishes college.
Eric: Three years? I mean... is he sure he wants to stay here for three years? Three years is a long time.
Annie: It's $7,200.
Eric: It'll go by like that.
Annie: Matt will probably go away next year to medical school, and Lucy, being Lucy, could end up back in New York, and Simon's probably gonna go away to college. So why shouldn't we rent the room to Robbie when it's finished?
Eric: Why not? It's $7,200 and James is busy.
Annie: Of course, if Mary ever came back.
Eric: I don't think Mary is coming back.
Annie: I want her to come back.
Eric: I want her to come back, too when she's ready.
Billy (to Mary): Can I call you Mommy?
Mary: I....
Billy: Just for today. We don't have to tell Daddy.
Mary: I think you better just call me Mary.
Billy: Ok. But when can we call you Mommy? Because I never had a mommy and I want a mommy.
Lucy: And how much rent is Robbie willing to pay? Because whatever it is, I'll double it.
Annie: You don't have a job.
Lucy: Right. I don't have anything.
Annie: Oh, Luce, Luce!
Annie (to Eric): The point is that you...you...you don't understand what I'm going through. And I wasn't supposed to go through it for a long, long time.
Eric: Me too.
Annie: What?!
Eric: I'm trying my best. I am--but I just seem totally unprepared to deal with this stage of your life. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. I'm completely lost. And you, my dear, are completely....
Annie: Nuts!? Is that what you were going to say? Because the problem is not that I'm nuts. You want to know what the problem is? More specifically, do you want to know what your problem is? Your problem is that you feel sorry for yourself and and the person you should be feeling sorry for is me. Yes, I am a nut! I'm the one who let that guy in here. I'm the one who had to deal with him until the ambulance got here. I'm the one who had to go to the hospital and deal with him because you didn't. And then I'm the one who got hauled off by security. So, if you want to feel sorry for someone, feel sorry for me!
Eric: (to himself about Annie) Why don't you just take your hormones and go drive someone else crazy besides me?
Annie: I heard that!
Robbie (to Simon): You're not going out with a pregnant girl.
Simon: Why not?
Robbie: Why! Because you feel sorry for her. Dating is difficult enough without dating someone who's got a complicated life. And you're too young for those complications....way too young.
Annie: (to Eric) You let my 15-year-old son go out on a date with a pregnant girl?!
Eric (to Annie): I think you're more you than you have been for a long time.
Annie: What?
Eric: So, I...I just find it funny that I'm having so much trouble adjusting because we're both just adjusting to you being you.
Annie: What?
Eric: The first year that I knew you, you were just like this. You in no uncertain terms told people of what you thought and that was one of the things that attracted me to you, that and the fact that there was never any predicting when you were going to tell someone what you thought. I remember you let my dad tell you like twenty seven times how to put a diaper on Matt before you told off the The Colonel like, like I'd wanted to tell off The Colonel my entire life.
Annie: What are you saying, I've always been a nut?
Eric: Pretty much. But you've mellowed over the years. And now you're back without warning and it's a beautiful thing. I love you. I've always loved you. And I'm always gonna love you, till death do us part. Even if it kills me.
Annie: You know, you think you are so smart. I liked you better when you were feeling sorry for yourself.

Work[edit]

Eric: We haven't spent time together for a long time.
Annie: It's been a week.
Eric: A week is a long time when you're in love.
Eric: You know, in some ways your mother hasn't changed since the first day I fell in love with her 20 years ago.
Matt: And in other ways?
Eric: She's mean. Really, really mean...I didn't mean it the way it sounded. I love her. It's just that lately it's a lot tougher to love her.
Matt: You know, I'm so glad I have to go to work because I don't like where this conversation is going.
Wilson: (to Mary) Marry me. We belong together and I love you.
Annie: I'm quitting school.
Eric: What?
Annie: I'm quitting school. No more college.
Eric: I didn't know how much teaching meant to you.
Annie: Well, it's not the teaching really. It's being around kids. You know how much I've always loved having children in my life, working with them, helping them. You know, in a couple of years, Sam and David, they'll be in school. Ruthie's doing great. Simon's in high school. Robbie and Lucy are in college, Mary's in New York and Matt's going off to medical school. So...our kids need me, but they don't need me. If I teach every year, I'll have a new batch of kids who I'll need to help the way I helped our kids. It's the perfect job for me. All I have to do is take what I've been doing at home for the last 20 years and put it in the classroom. I can do it. I think I'll be good at it.
Eric: I'll help. I've always supported you in whatever you wanted to do. I love you. I want you to be happy.
Annie: I want to be happy, too.
Annie: Lately, with all the changes I've been going through I found that sometimes I'm more comfortable in the company of women. I love you, but you know, sometimes I need to talk to a woman.
Eric: Why is that?
Annie: I don't know. Women: we're all part of a club. Rich, poor, fat, thin, happy, unhappy, we're all going through the same things. And you can be a lot of things for me, but no matter how hard you try, you'll never be a woman.
Eric: Never wanted to be until now. But I get your point. You and me, we're okay?
Annie: We're better than okay.
Matt: (to Eric and Annie) I'm gonna be... a gynecologist.
Annie: Well, he does love women.

Relationships[edit]

Annie: (to the class) I know we just started reading "Swiss Family Robinson" today but can anyone tell what they think the moral of the story is?
Christy: I think the author is showing us that even though you may not be shipwrecked with your family that all families have to figure a way to get along.
Annie: Yes, good. The author, Johann David Wyss, is telling us that all relationships require a lot of work. Patience, tolerance and love. He wrote this book to teach his own sons life lessons.
Christy: If two people fight all the time, they should break up, right?
Annie: Well, yes, if two people are fighting all the time then maybe they shouldn't be together, but you're young.
Christy: That's what I think, too. Thanks, Mrs. Camden.
Ms. Mackoul: (to Annie) Did you tell a student that her parents should get divorced? When Christy Parks' mother picked her up at school today, she told her mother that you said her parents should get a divorce. Now her mother is very upset. She just left my office...what exactly did you tell Christy?
Annie (to Eric): Well, I don't know what Christy's parents are fighting about, but whatever it is it can't be more important than their daughter. Don't they see how their fighting is affecting her?
Eric: You know, there are a lot of parents who believe that as long as they are not yelling at their kids their kids aren't affected by their yelling. They don't seem to understand that a parent's relationship with each other affects their children for the rest of their lives. If we can learn how to have a good relationship from our parents, we can learn how to have a bad relationship from them too.
Annie: Thanks, but of course, I know all that, which is one of the many reasons they asked me to teach.
Eric: Hey, I'm just trying to be supportive.
Ruthie: (to Eric and Annie) You know, you guys fight a lot.
Annie: Do we fight a lot?
Eric: Maybe, I don't know.
Annie: You don't know if we fight a lot?
Eric: I don't know what answer won't cause a fight. Maybe I need to find a better way to communicate with you.
Annie: And maybe if I take hormones, everything will go back to normal?
Eric: I didn't say that.
Annie: But you wanted to.
Eric: No, I didn't. I want you to do whatever you need to do. And I want us to stop fighting.
Annie: But we've always had fights, and we're always gonna fight.
Eric: Well, then maybe we need to find ways to fight that are more productive and friendly.
Annie: You're right.
Eric: I honestly was just trying to help.
Annie: But I don't always need your help. I want to solve my own problems by myself.
Eric: We're a team. A good team. We've always worked together and our relationship has been the better for it.
Annie: But lately I feel the need to have things that are just mine and I'm going to try to be nicer.
Eric: And I'm going to be more considerate of your feelings.
Annie: I do love you.
Eric: I love you, too.
Annie: I guess we need to show it more, huh?
Mrs. Parks: Thank you, Mrs. Camden. Christy is lucky to have you as a teacher.
Annie: Considering everything that has happened today that is very sweet of you to say.

Broken[edit]

Lucy: (to her family) Robbie and I have something to tell you.
Ruthie: Is this about you two being together?
Lucy: You know about us?
Ruthie: Oh, everybody knows.
Lucy: (to her family) Does that mean you're okay with us being together?
Eric: No.
Ruthie: (about Robbie after he broke up with Lucy) I'm next, and when I get him I'm keeping him. Three's a charm.
Hank: Julie and I are not in a fight. We're in total agreement. We both want a divorce.
Eric: Divorce?!
Hank: Julie and I are getting a divorce. So if you'll excuse me, I have patients.
Eric: (to Annie) When two people get together for the wrong reasons, there can only be one outcome. Lucy and Robbie will eventually have to face why they got together. And when they do, they'll break up.

Prodigal[edit]

Eric: Mary tells me she's here permanently.
Annie: Permanently? That's the best news I've ever heard. We have our whole family back together again.
Eric: Don't you want to know what happened with Wilson?
Annie: I'm sure she'll tell us eventually.
Eric: (to himself) What's wrong with this picture?
Annie: I've got something to say to you and I think you're old enough to hear it. Life isn't fair, so get over it.
Ruthie: Thank you for letting me know that. Only a parent, a mother, would care so much that she, you, would explain such an important lesson in such a simple and direct...way.
Ruthie: I also want an apology for all that stuff she did last year when she got kicked out.
Lucy: I don't think you're gonna get that. I don't think any of us are going to get that. I think we just have to accept Mary for Mary.
Matt: What are you talking about?
Eric: The prodgial son.
Matt: Or the prodigal daughter.
Eric (to Annie about Mary): She's still incredibly irresponsible and she seems to have absolutely no awareness of that. How are we going to make her conscious?
Annie: Oh, you mean how are we going to make her confess. Here we go! It's Richard Nixon all over again! I love Richard Nixon.
Eric: Since when did you love Richard Nixon?
Annie: Since I heard someone saying that what God is showing us through parents is that he loves us despite the things we do, not beacuse of the things we do. You don't even recognize your own sermon, do you?
Mary: (to Robbie about her family) Do they all hate me?
Annie: (to her kids) You know what's really unfair? What's really unfair is that your father and I have worked around the clock for 20 years to give our children a good home. To send our children to school. To buy them the clothes that they want to buy, and yet those children, the very same children that we sacrificed ourselves for over and over again think that they should decide who gets what and when they should get it.
Simon: No...
Annie: Don't speak. I will give your sister Mary anything I want to give her, anytime I want to give it to her, because I love her and I am happy that she is home. Mary needs us. She needs her father. She needs me. And she needs you. And I've got some news for all of you: we need her. We need to embrace each other and support each other because that's what families do. And until you're ready to do that, you know what? You can just live out here! (referring to the garage) You've got a change of clothes, one week's allowance and some school books. You're more or less on your own. Until you're allowed the privilege of telling me that just how much you regret you're total lack of respect for me and my decisions. And then at that time, if I like what you have to say, I just might let you back into the home that your father and I created. Until then, take care of the rebellious one known as Ruthie. You can come in and use the toilets, nothing else! Not the kitchen, not the laundry, not the shower, not the phone and not the TV. Enjoy.

Ay Carumba[edit]

Lucy: Joy? What kind of name is that.
Mary: A name for the look on Robbie's face.
Lucy: I am not jealous of my own sister. I'm just angry that you've shown up and expected to be treated like royalty or something!
Annie (to Eric): Do you have a problem with my punishing the children without your approval?
Eric: While I don't want the garage apartment for my own, I can understand why they're upset about your giving it to Mary. We don't even know if she needs it.
Annie: So? They don't know if she doesn't. Maybe she and Wilson need it.
Eric: I got the feeling from Wilson that they broke up and he's just letting Mary tell us, and I gotta know why that is. Because it suggests the why, it won't be something we like.
Annie: What do you feel her problems are?
Eric: I feel her problems are that she's irresponsible, self-centered, and inconsiderate of other family members.
Annie: I think she wants to be responsible, and that's something. I think it's good for her to be self-centered right now. It's good for her to focus on herself and come to love herself, because that's the first step in loving others. And I don't think she's inconsiderate of other family members. On the contrary, I think other family members, including you, are inconsiderate of her and her needs at this time.
Eric: So we can agree to disagree about Mary and who she is and what her future holds, but I think that Matt and Lucy and Simon and Ruthie are in agreement.
Annie: With you, and you are wrong, just like you were wrong about Nixon.
Eric: (to the twins) He should have apologized.
Simon: I have to get out of here. I have to get out of here to survive. And once I do, unlike you and Mary, that's it for me. I'm never coming back.
Matt: Yeah, I remember 15. Let's go.
Mary: I am still crazy, irresponsible, bad Mary and after all this time I don't think I learned squat. What's it gonna take to get my life in order, huh, Luce?
Lucy: I don't know. But whatever it takes for us all to get our lives in order, I'm pretty sure we can get it right here at home.
Annie (to Eric): I was wrong and you were right, but not in the way that you think.
Eric: Still, music to my ears.
Annie: Mary is not the prodigal son, and I made a mistake in treating her as if she were. She never left to go discover herself. She didn't go out into the world and get into trouble and hit rock bottom and then come crawling home for forgiveness. She never did that. She showed signs of getting in trouble, and we sent her to your parents before she had the chance to do something that she or we would regret. And you know what? It worked, Eric. And I don't think we've ever given ourselves credit for doing the right thing in saving her from hitting rock bottom. Now, maybe she didn't learn anything. But I think part of the reason why she claims that is that she's afraid that she did. She's afraid to make another mistake.
Eric: You know, for a guy who just got an apology, I'm feeling pretty lousy.
Annie: It's a lecture coughed with an apology. I think if we can just let Mary discover who she is and what wants to do, surrounded by our love, guided by our genius...then maybe she will learn something. Maybe she'll even contribute something to the world.
Eric: Let's just aim for Glen Oak.
Mary: (to her parents) I am really sorry that I let everyone down. And I am sorry that as part of this wonderful family, I didn't realize that doing all the things that led to my getting asked to leave would affect everyone, and not just me. I apologize. From the bottom of my heart, I apologize. And I want to thank you for letting me go live with the Colonel and Ruth, and I'm...not the greatest student of life, but I must have learned something, and I want to be here now. And I hope you'll give me a chance to do better, because I can do better.
Eric: And I want to apologize to you, too. I think I could have cut you some slack when you showed up here, but instead, I...
Mary: Don't cut me some slack. Stay tough. I need that. (leaves)
Eric: Okay. (to Annie) Wait. What did she mean by that?
Mary: (from the top of the stairs) I mean I still need you.

Lost[edit]

Mary: We want you to find us boyfriends.
Lucy: Husbands, even.
Eric: I beg your pardon?
Lucy: We want you and Mom to find us someone to love. We want to get married...eventually.
Eric: Marriage is a bond made by two people who share a very deep and personal connection. For the two of you to ask me to choose someone with whom I think you could share that connection is...well, that's...nuts. I'm not a dating service. I'm your father and a minister.
Mary: Scared?
Eric: No, I'm not scared. I just... I think it's not up to me to stir you to the right person. It's up to God. When the time's right, the right guy will come along, for the both of you. You just have to be patient.
Lucy: (to Mary) Yep, he's scared.

Consideration[edit]

Lucy: (to everyone in the living room, watching TV) Wait, is that Dad?
Robbie: Yep, that's your dad. If I were Simon, I'd drive that car to Canada!
Ruthie: Why don't you just admit that you were wrong and apologize for being so rude, when all I was trying to do was help you? (Lucy makes a face at her, Ruthie makes one back) Crash and burn. How it feel to be beaten by an 11-year-old?

Pathetic[edit]

Annie (to Mrs. Mackoul): I can't thank you enough for giving me this opportunity to work here, doing something important. It's been rewarding and interesting and fun...
Mrs. Mackoul: But you don't want to do it anymore?
Annie: No sorry.
Mrs. Mackoul: Well, the funny thing is, I was going to ask you to come on fulltime. With everything going on in the world, parents want the added security of a private school, and we've had so many requests that we're expanding. We need more teachers.
Annie: I appreciate the implied offer, but I can't. Thank you.
Lucy: If God didn't want me to have that ring, he wouldn't have had Jeremy give it to me.
Ruthie: You're actually going to invoke the name of God as the cause for your insanity?
Lucy: Doesn't everyone?
Eric: Did she tell you why she quit?
Simon: No. But it wouldn't be like me to ask my mom why she does anything. She's my mother, but she's your wife. Maybe you can ask her, or maybe not. I don't know how those things work.
Eric (to Annie): Well, aren't we calm for everything that's gone on around here?
Annie: I feel very calm. I've been feeling very conflicted, but as of today, I feel very calm. And that's good because with all the tings going on out there in the world, it helps to stay calm in here. See, I had this dream for years to teach, and finally after all that time, I got my dream when Mrs. Mackoul asked me to join that staff at Ruthie's school. It was very much my dream come true.
Eric: And now you're giving up your dream come true?
Annie: It's no longer my dream. I love working with any one student, but I feel disconnected working with a group of students in the classroom. I want to do more than discuss questions of morality. I want to inspire each child to lead a moral life. I think I can find a better way to do that.
Eric: And you don't feel sad that you always had this dream to each and once you got it, it wasn't what you wanted?
Annie: No, it probably happens to a lot of people.
Eric: Yeah, it does, but...usually they just hang on to it because after all that dreaming it seems a shame to give it up or admit that it was a mistake.
Annie: Well, I feel good about it. For me, letting go of the past is freeing.
Eric: Hmmm, evidently that's a gene that wasn't inherited by Mary or Lucy. (they both laugh) We've got a lot of letting go to do over the next few years.
Annie: Yeah, we do. But we've got a lot of holding on, too. (they both look at the twins playing)

Suspicion[edit]

Ruthie: Yasmine was walking home from school when a couple of boys started following her. They were calling her names because she's Muslim and trying to scare her, and one of them even picked up a dirt clod and threw it at her.
Yasmine: That's when Ruhtie ran over and started yelling back at them, but they still kept on following us.
Eric: (to Yasmine) And this was happening right outside our house?
Yasmine: It's happening everywhere.
Eric: Did these boys ever physically hurt you?
Yasmine: No. Just my feelings.
Eric: Feelings are important, too. They matter a great deal, and you matter. We're not gonna let this continue.
Lucy: I just started thinking about Yasmine and how people can be so cruel, and how horrible I was to you which didn't make me much better than those boys... and how everyone in the world has the same capacity to be so mean and intolerant. It just makes me feel so sad.
Mary: You know how it makes me feel? Angry.
Nasreen: I was happy, until one day, our entire world turned upside down. I go out on my usual errands and suddenly people are staring at my hijab. I've worn it all my adult life, and now I get looks and whispers as I pass by. Why? I'm still the same person, I haven't changed. I try to believe that some people are just curious, but why wasn't I asked about it years ago? Why now? See, it's not curiousity, it's suspicion.
Eric: Fear can bring out the worst in people, and fear is evidence of a lack of fatih. I mean, for some people, that's a lack of faith in God. For others it's a lack of faith in themselves, but for others its a lack of faith in their fellow man. I hope what's happened with Yasmine doesn't make you lose your faith in people's kindness.
Nasreen: Oh, how can I? I have proof sitting right here in front of me. I'm sorry to have burdened you with my problems. I'm a very pro-avtive person and I hope I'm not sounding like a victim because that's not my intent.
Nasreen: I appreciate your sympathy, but I don't expect you to completely understand what I'm going through.
Annie: As a mother, I understand at least some of what you're going through. I know the fear and worry over the safety of my children.
Ruthie: I still don't understand it. She didn't do anything. Her family didn't do anything. They're Americans just like everyone else.
Annie: I know, Ruthie. I know.
Ruthie: (reading Eleanor Roosevelt) It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself.
Mary: Sometimes it's not easy to do the right thing. It's not easy when you've done stupid things and you have to make up for them.
Ruthie: It's not easy when you do smart things either.
Ruthie: (addressing the school board) My name is Ruthie Camden, and first, I want to say how much I like going to the Eleanor Roosevelt School. My classes are really cool, and I get to do so much more than I did at my old school. I love horses, and I even get to take Equestrian classes. It's like a dream come true for me. I've learned so much at this school. Last week, during science period, Miss Riddle talked to us about the spine. Se taught us how important the spine is to the entire body. The spine allows you to hold your head up high. Well, I don't think I'll be able to hold my head up high in this class anymore, if this school doesn't let my friend Yasmine attend. And from what I've read about her, Eleanor Roosevelt has a really strong spine. This school is named after her, and if you want to know more about her, you should read the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. It's all about freedom, justice, and peace.
Eric: (whispers to Annie) Out of the mouths of babes.
Ruthie: So, if this board chooses to do the wrong thing, I feel that it goes against everything Eleanor Roosevelt stood for, and I will have to quit!
Woman #1: (whispers) We'd get our scholarship back.
Woman #2: I have a friend whose kid would like to get in. They're not Muslim.
Ruthie: Hello. That was the end of my speech. I said I was going to quit! (Eric, Annie, Mrs. McCool, and Miss Riddle get up and clap, everyone else is silent) Tough crowd.
Mary: I heard what you did tonight, and I'm really proud of you, Ruthie.
Ruthie: Yeah. Mom and Dad told me about a billion times already. Big deal.
Lucy: What you did was really amazing, so don't think that it's not. You stood up for someone who was being discriminated against because of her religion, and that's a big deal. A very big deal. The biggest!
Ruthie: Yeah, and look where it got me. Now I have to change schools.
Mary: Look, Ruthie, I know how much you like private school, and nobody would think badly of you if you don't go through with it, if you don't want to.
Ruthie: I don't want to, but I think it's something I have to do. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself". I think I have to bite the bullet.
Annie: I can't get over Ruthie. I'm so proud of her.
Eric: Yeah, we've done good, Mom.
Annie: Sometimes, when I think our world is getting a little crazy, I think about our children and what good, compassionate people they've turned out to be.
Yasmine: Thank you Mrs. Camden, thank you for this. It's not just about going to school for me, it's about walking on higher ground.

Drunk[edit]

Simon: Hi.
Matt: No, I think you're drunk.
Simon: I know; I just found out.
Annie: Before you and Simon go to this party tonight, I need to know what your intentions are.
Morris: Intentions?
Annie: Yes. Do you intend to drink? Do you intend to smoke? Do you intend to part-take in any illegal activity? Do you intend to watch over my son and make sure no harm comes to him? Do you intend to have him before his curfew?
Morris: Hey, I'm just giving him a ride.
Annie: No, you're not just giving him a ride, you're in charge of him.
Simon: (to Eric) Oh, come on, Dad. Help me out here.
Annie: No, Simon. No more help from your father. I didn't want you to go to this party, but I'm going to let you go, but only if your friend Morris tells me that he's going to watch out for you tonight.
Morris: Sure, whatever. I'll keep an eye on him.
Annie: Do I have your word?
Morris: Yeah, you have my word.
Annie: Good.
Simon: Let's get out of here.
Eric: Hey, be careful.
Annie: (to Morris) Remember, I have your word.
Simon: (to Eric and Annie) Oh, and don't put the whole family in the van to come and follow me to this party, ok? I'm gonna be fine.
Simon: (to Morris, slurring) I'm drunk? (to himself, slurring) Cool!
Lucy: What do we do now?
Matt: Pray.
Ruthie: (to Eric) Dad! Dad! I need to talk to you.
Matt: (to himself) Ruthie, thank you God.
Ruthie: (to Eric) I need to talk to you about sex.
Lucy: She's good.
Matt: I've never been prouder.
Annie: (to Matt at the door) Matt, why are you in the bathroom with Mary?
Matt: I don't know.
Mary: He needed some help.
Annie: With what?
Matt: My... my hair. I hate my hair. Mary's good with hair.
Lucy: Yeah.
Mary: You think she's on to us?
Mary: (to Simon) You don't get it. You just don't get it. And you want to know why I know you don't get it? Because for over a year I didn't get it.
Ruthie: (to Simon) You know, you've been throwing up most of the night, so we haven't had a chance to talk. What is wrong with you, huh?
Simon: I didn't know I was drinking alcohol.
Ruthie: Well, you should've figured it out. What kind of role model are you trying to be?
Simon: I'm not a role model.
Ruthie: Yes, you are. Sam and David and I look up to you. And with Matt leaving, and he is leaving, you're the resident big brother of the house. Robbie's here and that's great, but I depend on you and tonight you let me down. You let everyone down.
Simon: I'm sorry. Is that what you want to hear?
Ruthie: No, I don't want to hear anything. What I want is for you to stop trying so hard to fit in with other people and start trying harder to fit in around here. I want you to sober up for good and start becoming a man, the kind of man I can look up to.
Annie: So are we going to punish the kids for aiding and abetting Simon?
Eric: I think we should not punish them, but not tell them until tomorrow. That way, they'll think they're being punished which will be almost like being punished.
Annie: Parents of the year.
Eric: Nah. Just parents.
Eric: I really thought Simon was mature enough to handle tonight. He really has matured so much since September.
Annie: We got to see that maturity disappear in one night.

Hot Pants[edit]

Annie (to Eric): Happy Valentine's Day. (she kisses him). I've got a big surprise for you. (she kisses him again).
Eric: Is the surprise better than that?
Annie: Oh, much.
Eric: So? What's your big surprise?
Annie: I really thought you would've guessed. Haven't you noticed how much happier I've been in the last two weeks? I went to the doctor. I started hormone replacement therapy, and I feel great. My energy is back and I am happy, really happy.
Eric: You took hormones for me?
Annie: I took hormones for me.
Eric: Okay, whatever. You're happy again and that's all that matters. Okay, I have to admit, I had noticed that you've been a little easier to be around lately. I mean...well, you know what I mean. You have to know what I mean or you wouldn't have gone on hormones. Boy, this...this was the best gift you could have ever gotten for me. I love you.
(Annie then dumps wine of his head)
Shana: What? Are you calling every ex-girlfriend you ever had trying to figure out why you're alone?
Matt: Maybe.
Shana: Do yourself a favor and stop looking for the future in the past. The great love of your life is out there somewhere just waiting for you to find her. And you're never gonna find her if you're stuck in the past with me and Heather and all the rest of the women you dated.
Matt: Thanks.
Shana: So…boldly go forward and...find the woman of your dreams. You know what? When you find her, she's gonna be one lucky woman, because you are a great guy.
Matt: Thanks.
Shana: Don't mention it. Good night.
Matt: Bye. (hangs up) As kitty as my witness, I will never have another Valentine's Day like this again. (holding a Hello Kitty doll)

I Really Do[edit]

Matt: (gets down on one knee) Sarah...
Sarah: Matt?
Matt: Will you marry me?
Sarah: When?
Matt: When? Whenever you want. You set the date.
Sarah: Oh Matt. Yes! I will, I accept, I do!
Mary: I think Matt is crazy enough to get married. I almost did... Why are you all looking at me like that?
Lucy: Because while Matt may do some thing as stupid as you, he wouldn't do something stupider then you.
Robbie: I'm not so sure about that.
Mary: Thank you.
Lucy: I bet you money we'll get married before he does.
Mary: He's not getting married until he gets out of medical school and that's years from now.
Lucy: And you don't think we'll be married until he gets out of medical school?
Mary: It's not likely.

I Really Did[edit]

Matt: (answering the phone) Mr. and Mrs. Matt Camden. Hello?
Ruthie: I don't believe it! You really are stupider than Mary!
Matt: Ruthie?
Ruthie: Oh! You got married!?
Matt: Shhh!
Ruthie: Don't you shush me! I just missed your wedding and I don't even know the bride!
Matt: Ruthie, I love you. And I know you won't tell anyone because you know how important this is to me. Good night, Ruthie. I'll see you tomorrow.
Ruthie: Good night, and Matt...I love you too. Congratulations.
Matt: (after Ruthie finds out that Matt got married) Could you Ruthie? Could you keep it a secret that you know we got married last night? Could you just forget and never say anything? I mean, because that's a terribly big secret for a little girl to keep for the rest of her life and I don't even know if I should ask you.
Ruthie: You can ask me anything, horse or no horse. You're my brother and this is a good secret, the best secret I've ever heard. And we both know I know them all. I can do it. As God as my witness, I will never, ever tell this secret to anyone, cause I owe it to you for being my big brother for 11 years. I love you. I respect you. You have my word of honor. This stays with me.
Sarah: What he's try to say is...we're engaged...we went out. We fell in love. We wanted to get married.
Matt: I know what you are thinking. You're thinking we don't know each other, and when we get to know each other then we might change our minds, but...we're not going to change our minds. I want to be married to Sarah and I really am in love with her. She's a wonderful woman and I am happy we found each other. I've been, um...really lonely. Even in my past relationships, I felt lonely. But I don't feel lonely anymore. Sarah and I have a lot in common, and most of what we have in common is that we both love our families., and we want to be a family. A family that loves and respects each other as much as I respect and love all of you. And I hope you respect our decision because this is my life. And this is what I want.
Annie: You don't really think they did get married last night and maybe they're just telling us they're engaged to kind of get us use to the idea?
Eric: It's impossible. You know, I like that. I like that idea a lot. So I'm going with married. They're already married.
Lucy: Wife?
Matt: Wife-to-be.
Eric: You're engaged?
Matt: Yes, we are.
Annie: Then congratulations, son. I'm very happy for you.
Annie: You don't really think they did get married last night and maybe they're just telling us they're engaged to kind of get us use to the idea?
Eric: It's impossible. You know, I like that. I like that idea a lot. So I'm going with married. They're already married.
Annie: He is over 21. Matt probably thinks he doesn't have to call.
Eric: Well, to tell you the truth, I don't want him to call because I'm worried what it might be.
Annie: I'm sure he's fine.
Eric (about Matt): He better have not been at a hotel, or I really will forbid him from going out with this Sarah again.
Robbie: I'm sorry. It's just that he's a little old to...(Eric gives a mean face) then again he does live under your roof.
Eric: Yes, he does.
Robbie: Of course, he's leaving soon to go off to medical school and when he does, you're gonna have a hard time trying to control what he can and can't do.
Sarah: Ever been to a Jewish wedding?
Matt: Sarah's father's a rabbi.
Eric: Life's funny, isn't it. Matt's marrying a Jewish girl. Who would've thought?

Lip Service[edit]

Matt: (to Simon) Uh, let me think about that, no! Last thing we need is another one of your goofy friends.
Sarah: (to Simon and Matt) And my folks won't mind, my father loves a big a audience. If he could have a crowd in the bathroom to watch him shave, he'd do it.
Lucy: Watch this! (she fakes a faint) Well?
Ruthie: Well what?
Lucy: That was a faint, I think I'll try that nobody argues with a fainter!
Ruthie: It needs work you look sleepy not fainty.
Lucy: Ok! (Tries it again) Better?
Ruthie: I'm not sure...
Lucy: Maybe if I crack my head against the wall!
Ruthie: Are you sure you haven't already done that?
(Lucy makes a mean face)
Lucy: What are kids doing these days to get out of school? Fake fevers, trick thermometers, run any throat techniques anything new out there?
Ruthie: No, same old stuff. Although, Talia Skepka ate a caterpillar last week to get out of P.E. but she didn't throw up until two periods later, so the timing has to be worked out.
Lucy: I have to get out of this dinner tonight.
Ruthie: Stay home with Robbie.
Lucy: Think I could?
Ruthie: Oh man, I knew it!
Lucy: Hey, it's just that sometimes when a couple breaks up it's not totally clean, there's some unfinished business and this would be a good time to clean it up.
Ruthie: That's not all there is to it, you have to have a reason to stay home, a reason you can say out loud to Mom and Dad.

The Ring[edit]

Lucy: Man, I love buffalo. This is a fun town!
(Mary and Ben open the door to see Kevin and Lucy kissing)
Ben: Hmmm...(they ignore him) Kevin!
Lucy: Hi!
Ben: Come on Kev. Let's go.
Kevin: I had a great time.
Ben: We can see that.
Kevin: Good night. (they kiss)
Lucy: Good night.
Eric: He bought her an engagement ring.
Sarah: You bought me an engagement ring!?
Annie: You didn't give him any money, did you?
Eric: We don't have any money.
Annie: Matt can't afford to buy an engagement ring on his own.
Sarah: You can't afford this.
Matt: Yes, I can.
Sarah: No, you can't.
Matt: It's only $200.
Sarah: Excuse me? What did you say?
Eric: The ring's...
Sarah: A fake.
Matt: No, it's gennette.
Eric: A perfectly simulated diamond-like substance.
Annie: Maybe it's not too late. Maybe you can stop Matt from...
Matt: Sarah, please! Stop! It is gennette! It's gennette!
Sarah: I can't even believe you bought me a fake ring! How could you!? It's so fake and cheap and if not getting me a ring weren't bad enough. Just leave me alone, okay!? Leave me alone!
Matt: Oh, hey, thanks, Dad. She loves the ring.
Lucy: Mary's going to be a flight attendant for Jet Blue airlines. Did I tell you I met a guy? (Eric and Annie shake their heads) I didnt? well he's really cute. He's a cop. His name's Kevin. He's Ben's brother, you know, Mary's firefighter, Ben. Well, let's gets down to baggage claim. I'm feeling lucky!
Kevin: (to Ben) Did you know Lucy's going to be a minister?
Lucy (to Mary): If you don't hurry up we're gonna miss our flight, and thank you.
Mary: Thanks for what?
Lucy: For bringing me here.
Mary: I'm glad you had a good time with Kevin.
Lucy: We're gonna keep in touch and he's gonna come to Glen Oak when he gets some vacation time.
Mary: Luce, I'm not going back. Really, I'm staying here in Buffalo.
Lucy: I know you like Ben, but you can't just camp out in Buffalo and hope that things work out. I mean, you have to go home.
Mary: I'm not in Buffalo for Ben. I'm here for me. I'm going to be a flight attendant for Jet Blue Airlines. I start my training tomorrow.
Lucy: That's your plan, a flight attendant? But school?
Mary: I'm gonna finish school. Once I finish my training I can fly out to Glen Oak any time I want and I can still do classes with you.
Lucy: Are you serious?
Mary: Yeah, I want to do this. I thought about it a lot, and it just...feels right. Don't get me wrong, I'm scared to start something new again. But I think this time it's all gonna work out.

Letting Go[edit]

Mary: Your brother's in love with my sister.
Ben: It's too soon for them to be in love.
Mary: What about us? (They kiss)
Simon: (when the phone rings) Hello?
Patty-Mary: Is Kevin there?
Simon: Maybe, whom should I say is calling?
Patty-Mary: Just tell him he has a phone call kid.
Simon: I don't think so.
Patty-Mary: Tell them it's Patty-Mary.
Simon: I need more information, Patty-Mary.
Lucy (to Mary): Home!? You're in Glenoak?!
Mary: I'm not just in Glenoak, I'm here!
(Lucy is shocked)
Eric: (after Sam and David have new beds) Well, I guess it's official, they're not babies anymore.
Annie: It's a good thing. They're suppose to grow.
Sam: See, this is good.
David: Good bed.
Eric: Yes, it is.
Eric: (to Simon) In case you were wondering what your sister was screaming about at 2:30 in the morning, Mary's home. And she brought Ben and Ben's brother. Now your mother's making them sandwiches, even though they're grown men who can make their own sandwiches. Heh. Yeah.
Annie: Mary! Ben! And you must be Kevin! Welcome!
Eric: Welcome?
Mary: I'm an airline attendant. I get buddy passes and I brought them home with me for a surprise. Is it ok?
Annie: It's more than okay! Kevin!
Lucy: Isn't he great?
Annie: Oh, he is!

The Known Soldier[edit]

Annie (to Ruthie): Since when do you have a pen pal who's a Marine?
Ruthie: Since I changed schools. It's a class project. A volunteer project. It's to let all the men and women who serve in the armed forces know how much they're appreciated. We can't send real mail, so we have to send e-mail. That's the safe way to do it.
Annie: What do you write about?
Ruthie: Oh, different things. Sometimes just funny stuff that happens around here. You know, to give him a laugh
Annie: Funny....family stories?
Ruthie: Yeah, I've got plenty of 'em. You can't just write about serious stuff. He gets enough of that being in the Marines!
Lucy: (about Ruthie's pen pal) So, how did he wind up in Afghanistan?
Ruthie: He had just gotten back last September and he wasn't supposed to go anywhere for a while, but on September 11, the world changed. That's what Dwight said. He got his orders to go to Afghanistan in November, and he didn't want to leave his family so soon, but that's just part of being a Marine. They go where they're needed. He left the day before Theresa's birthday and the day after the Marine Corps birthday ball. Dwight and Theresa had a great time, but then they had to say good-bye. It was sad, but sad good-byes are just part of being a Marine, too. (Mary and Lucy look upset) Hey, the Marines are tough. They can take it. And their families are really brave. They have to be.
Colonel (to Ruthie): I didn't want you to hear it on the news, hon. I wanted to come and tell you myself, face-to-face.
Ruthie: Well, who's gonna tell Sergeant Morgan's wife? Who's gonna tell Theresa? And who's gonna explain it to their son, Alex? Alex is only five years old! That little boy's probably never even heard of Afghanistan!
Colonel: No, probably not. But I'm pretty sure he has heard of the United States of America. That's the country his father died for. The United States of America, and he died in an effort to keep freedom alive for his son and his wife, and all his family, and for all the sons and daughters and mothers and fathers in this country. He died for me, and he died for you.
Ruthie: But I didn't want him to die.
Colonel: He was a Marine. He died with honor.
Man (to Robbie): I'm a veteran myself.
Robbie: Good for you. Thanks for serving.
Man: (pauses) I don't think anyone's ever said that to me before. Thank you.
Simon: Where are you off to so early?
Annie: Oh, we're spending the day with Mrs. Bink.
Simon: (looks at the twins) What did they do?
Annie: They're not being punished. They're just learning to take care of older people in the community. Mrs. Bink would love to see them, and she's getting older. It's hard for her to cook, so we're gonna go over and make her lunch and hang out for a while.
Simon: Staff Sergeant Dwight J. Morgan would be very proud.
Annie: I hope so. I wanted to do something bigger, something universal and world-changing, but this is what I can do today, and this is what I'm going to do today, in his honor.

Holy War (1)[edit]

Annie: I'm dead. You're looking at a dead woman. You're looking at a dead woman, and a stupid woman. A stupid, dead woman!
Eric: Bad day, honey?
Annie: I almost broke the entire family up with one dish. Image what I can do with a whole meal!

Holy War (2)[edit]

Ruthie: (to Robbie) Eavesdropping? How very Camden of you.
Sarah (to Matt): I feel badly that none of my family made it to your mothers dinner.
Matt: Under the circumstances...
Sarah: Still, later tonight I'll call your mom and apologize. We were this close to pulling it off, to doing what neither of us thought we could do, get married with our two families thereby bringing us and our two faiths together, like a family is suppose to be.
Matt: Just for the record, I didn't think we were this close to pulling it off.
Matt: Our fathers are never going to admit they are wrong, apologize and show up and the synagogue as nothing ever happened.
Richard: I don't believe in the marriage so I can't marry them. It's as simple as that.
Robbie: With me here, Simon can take over Matt's role in the family and you can have your room back.
Ruthie: So, you're not moving?
Robbie: No, unless you can tell me why all of a sudden my best friend in this family is declaring war on me and is trying to get me to leave the only place I ever really considered home.
(Ruthie just walks out)
Matt: It's a mistake, Dad. A big mistake. I mean, I love you, but if you don't show up at my wedding, I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you.
Eric: And, if you convert tomorrow, I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you.
Matt: So, we're at an impasse, both of us refusing to give in to the other. I wonder which one of us will win, or if we'll both lose.
Eric: You still planning on getting married?
Matt: Yes, are you still planning on not being there?
Ruthie (to Robbie): You can have your room back if you want it.
Robbie: I'm fine with the garage. Look, I really need to finish this best man speech. I'm having a lot of trouble, so if you don't mind.
Ruthie: Are you kicking me out?
Robbie: Yeah, just like you kicked me out.
Ruthie: Well, are you kicking Sam and David out, too?
Robbie: No. Sam and David can stay.
Ruthie: Well, that's not fair!
Robbie: And neither is the way you're treating me. You know, when you're ready to apologize and explain why you've been so mean to me, I'll be here. Are you ready? (long pause, Ruthie walks out)
Kevin: (talking to Lucy on the phone) No matter how much I like you, I just can't pick up and move to Glen Oak. My family is in Buffalo. My job is in Buffalo. I want to be with you, but I can't just give up my life.
Lucy: So I should just give up my life and move to Buffalo?
Kevin: I didn't say that, but it would be nice if you considered it.
Lucy: I already used up my one "give up my life and move halfway across the country to be with the one I love" chip with Jeremy. I can't do it again.
Kevin: Well, you can't ask me to do something that you're not willing to do yourself. (pause) Are you still there?
Lucy: Yes. I'm still here. In Glen Oak. Without you.
Matt: Sarah's father has worked it out so that tomorrow, before Sarah and I get married, I can convert, and I'm gonna do it.
Eric: What? I thought you weren't going to address this issue until later--maybe when you and Sarah had children, or after I was dead.
Matt: Look, I have my reasons, and I'm ready to do this.
Eric: You can't seriously think that in less than four months, you've studied and researched Judiasm, a religion that's thousands of years old. Well enough to convert!
Matt: Well, I've been going to temple with Sarah and her family every Saturday since Sarah and I got engaged, and I've been attending conversion classes, and--
Eric: (sarcastically) Oh, why, I didn't know that you've been to temple 15 times and taken some classes. Well, why didn't you say so? Of course you're ready to convert! (pauses) Just for your information, converting just for marriage is wrong.
Matt: You can't call off my wedding, and you can't stop me from converting. Dad, you have to let me live my life.
Eric: Okay, live your life. Get married. Just don't convert.
Matt: I know this is not about religion. This is about you not wanting to let me grow up, but...
Eric: Oh, no, this is about religion. I don't want you to convert! And just so you know, it's not because you want to convert to Judiasm. If you wanted to be any other religion, I'd have the same reaction, and not because I think that our religion is better, but because you can't make a decision as big as changing your faith this quickly! And if you weren't getting married, you wouldn't be thinking about it, would you?
Matt: Dad, you can't stop me.
Eric: Are you really gonna do this tomorrow? Convert?
Matt: Yes.
Eric: Then it'll have to be without me.
Matt: I'm sorry, but I think I just heard you tell me you weren't coming to my wedding.
Eric: Maybe if I don't go, it'll give you some pause, and you'll rethink your decision.
Matt: I can't believe you'd do this to me.
Eric: Someday you'll thank me.
Matt: You're assuming that someday, I'll be talking to you again.
Rabbi Glass: I made a suggestion, and Matt agreed. This is Matt's decision, not mine, honey.
Sarah: Okay, Dad. If you're helping Matt to convert tomorrow purely because you think that he is totally committed to it and ready to enter into a covenant between God and Jewish people, then good. But if, like I suspect, you're only doing this as a last ditch effort to try to cause some sort of drama that might cause my wedding not to happen?? Well, if that's the case, then let me tell you that Abraham himself isn't going to be able to protect you from my wrath! (kisses him and walks out)
Colonel (to Eric): How do you think I felt when you rejected the Marines?
Eric: I didn't reject the Marines. I...
Colonel: Chose a different path? Took a different road? When you came to me and said you were not going to enlist in the Marine Corps and indeed had already enrolled in Seminary, I felt you were rejecting me and my whole way of life. At that time, that was unbearable. And then I realized that you weren't rejecting the Marines or me. You were choosing something else, following your own heart, as is Matt. Matt may leave your house, Eric, and he may leave your church, but he can never leave behind what you taught him. What makes him, him is you. You raised him. He'll always be your son, and as long as he goes out into the world and does some good, does it really make any difference whether he's Christian or Jewish, as long as he's still Matt? That, I eventually had to realize about you. You may not be a Marine, but by heaven, you are my son, and up until now, you've always done the right thing and made me proud. Do the right thing, and make me proud.
Colonel (to Eric): Do I understand that you are not going to the wedding?
Eric: I have my reasons for not going, and they're not up for discussion or debate.
Colonel: Who do you think you're talking to? Some friend who stopped by for coffee? I'm your father, and Matt's grandfather, and I've just flown 2,000 miles to attend this wedding. Whether you want to or not, you're gonna tell me what the devil is going on here!
Eric: Matt plans to convert.
Colonel: Who cares?
Eric: I care, and obviously, you don't understand, and that's why I don't want to talk about this!
Colonel: You feel that you raised Matt in a certain way--your way. And now, as an adult, he's choosing his own path, and you feel that he's rejecting you, or rejecting the road you thought he'd take in life, the road you picked for him to take life. And now you're hurt because you can't understand why he doesn't want to take your road.
Eric: Okay, maybe you do understand.

Season 7[edit]

Monkey Business (1)[edit]

Ruthie (to Lucy): Why don't you just marry him and get it over with?
Lucy: Maybe I don't wanna get married.
Kevin (to Lucy): How can you be jealous of any other woman when you know how I feel about you?
Lucy: Jealous?! You think I'm jealous?! Hey! Just because you love me and want to marry doesn't mean you can't be attracted to another woman.
Kevin: Alright.
Lucy: Alright?!
Kevin: (smiles) Thanks.
Lucy: Thanks?! What is wrong with you?!
Eric (to Mary): Well that was a long drive to the airport.
Mary: Say what you want to say.
Eric: He's too old for you, way too old for you.
Mary: I am an adult, I have a job, I pay my bills, I'm responsible around here and I'm responsible when I'm not around here and I'm in Buffalo, so I think that who I go out with should be left up to me. You are my dad and I love you, but I'm over 21 now and I think I have to decide who I wanna be with for the rest of my life.
Eric: Rest of your life?
Kevin: What's a guy in his 40's going out with a girl in her 20's for other than the obvious?
Mary: He's going out with me for the same reason any man goes out with any women, he likes me, he's interested in me.
Ruthie: Hey, Dad, do you mind if my boyfriend comes over tonight?
Lucy (to Mary): When are we gonna meet Mr. "None of Our Business"?
Mary: You're not gonna meet him.
Lucy: Because?
Mary: Because Mom and Dad wouldn't understand.
Lucy: Because?
Mary: Because, they don't think of me as an adult women with a career.
Lucy: Just tell me why he is not a good idea?
(Mary walks out)

Monkey Business Deaux (2)[edit]

Kevin (to Ruthie): Don't you think I have enough problems with Lucy without your help?
Ruthie: What kind of problems? Is it sex? Is that you're problem with Lucy?
Kevin: No, it is not sex and I don't think it's cute for you to ask me that because it's completely inappropriate.
Eric: Simon! Kitchen! Now!
Annie: What's going on?
Simon: I think Dad wants to see me in the kitchen.
Lucy: Robbie said that you said that Mary told you Robbie and I slept together.
Kevin: So, are you mad at Mary because she said something to me or because I said something to Robbie?
Lucy: I don't know why she would say something. and I don't know you said something to Robbie, especially without saying something to me first. And I'm still upset with your new partner. Is she still around?
Kevin: Yes, and I'm sorry if there a rule that I have to discuss everything I say to Robbie with you? Because I didn't know that was a rule. And now that I do I'm not agreeing to it.
Lucy: You don't have to agree with it because it's still a rule.
Kevin: Let's see how that works out.
Lucy: See how what works out?
Kevin: This. (He kisses her)
Lucy: Wait. You can't... you can't...
Kevin: I can't do what?
Lucy: You can't just do that everytime I try to talk to about something serious.
Kevin: Why not?
Lucy: Because it's a rule and I don't care if you agree to it because it's still a rule. (runs upstairs, yelling down at Kevin) And change partners!
Kevin: (to himself) Man I love that woman.
Kevin: Last night when I was talking to Mary.
Robbie: Mom said we shouldn't talk to her.
Kevin: I know but I did it anyways and you know what she said. She said,”Oh, really? Did you know Robbie and Lucy had a little sleep over in his room last year.” Is that true? Did Lucy ever spend the night with you in this room?
Robbie: Is that why you want to trade my room for yours?
Kevin: I'll take that as a yes.
Sam: Shh! Don't wake up Mom.
David: Dad said let her sleep.
Ruthie (to Lucy): Is this a way a woman who wants to be a minister should behave?
Lucy: No...
Eric (to Mary): You'd consider leaving your family in order to be with this low-life sky jockey who's got a daughter your own age?
Mary: I really have to go now! Would you please get out of my car!?
Eric: I hope that everytime that you even think about kissing him you think about kissing your father! And for anyone who's listening, that came out completely wrong!
Robbie: Simon, you're not just a date, you're running an escort service. You can't do that.
Simon: Why not? It's not illegal.
Robbie: It's immoral.
Simon: No, it's not. It's practically a public service. I'm not selling sex.
Robbie: You're one step away from it!
Simon: You let Mary date a man as old as Dad and I can't even have my own apartment.
Annie: That's really lame, Simon.
Ruthie: Can a guy under age 18 can get arrested for soliciting?
Simon: You don't even know what that means?
Ruthie: Yes I do, I asked Kevin what it is when one person pays money to another person to go out with them, and he said it's soliciting. Women are actually paying you money to go out with them? That's where you are evey night?
Simon: How do you know that?
Ruthie: Deductive reasoning.
Simon: It's nothing bad. It's just when a woman at my school needs a date because she's broken up with her boyfriend or she wants to make her boyfriend jealous, or has a special function, like a wedding to go to and se doesn't want to go herself, then I just help them out.
Ruthie: For money?
Simon: It doesn't matter how nice you try to make it sound. It's still wrong, and I think you should stop doing it. And I think if you don't something bad is going to happen to you.
Ruthie: You're amazing. You have no fear of me whatsoever. I admire that... sort of.
Kevin: Upstairs. All the way upstairs. And if I ever catch you listening on one of my conversations I'm not going to let you off with just a warning.
Ruthie: Is that a threat? Man, you give a guy a uniform and a gun and they think they rule the world.

The Enemy Within[edit]

Ken Smith: I'm Jack's dad, Captain Jack Smith. The pilot your daughter Mary seduced.
Kevin: What happened to snooping around in my room?
Lucy: Ben talked me out of it, probably because he needed a ride to the airport.
Kevin: I can't stay long. I just came by to tell you I loved you and even if you had been with another guy I would still love you.
Lucy: Well, I haven't.
Kevin: Well that's your business. What's in the past is in the past.
Ken Smith (about Mary): How many times has she claimed to be in love?
Ben: I met Mary when she was engaged to Wilson, then I dated her and she dumped me for your son, so if I were you I wouldn't worry about Mary and Jack. (Robbie walks in and out) That was Robbie, another one of Mary's old boyfriends before me, after and before Wilson. So, as you can see for yourself, Mary's not that serious with anyone.
Ken Smith: Thanks for confirming my worst fear.

Bowling for Eric[edit]

The Heart of the Matter[edit]

Regarding Eric[edit]

Gabrielle Come Blow Your Horn[edit]

Ruthie (to Gabrielle): You wouldn't happen to know how to bake a cake?
Gabrielle: I'm not baking a cake for your stinkin' boyfriend!
Gabrielle (to Lucy and Ruthie): Hopefully I'll be so drunk, I'll be cremated before they find me. Then they can just put me in an old peanut butter jar and toss me out to sea. (laughs) Which reminds me, do your parents got any booze in the house?
Kevin (to Lucy): Yeah, I think she's got a crush on that new guy.
Lucy: What new guy?
Kevin: The new minister at your dad's church.

Peer Pressure[edit]

Lost Souls[edit]

A Cry for Help (a.k.a. Female Trouble)[edit]

Ruthie (to Annie): Can I move to a foreign country?
Annie: No.
Ruthie: I'll write.
Lucy (to Kevin): Sometimes when it comes to you and me and us, I'm not so logical.

Sunday[edit]

Lucy (to the Congregation): It was my dad's wish that we return to the Sunday night services after the first of the year. And it was Chandler's wish that I take the first service, being my dad's daughter and a divinity student myself. So, the text of the sermon is quite short. Genesis 2, 2nd and 3rd verse. "And he rested on the 7th day from all of his work he had made. And God blessed the 7th day and sanctified it". It wasn't that long ago that Sunday was the day we all rested. We treated Sunday as a special day, when we came to Sunday school and church. And we rested when we went home. We talked, we read, we spent time to ourselves. Meditating. Or praying. Or just reflecting on our lives, our purpose, our behavior. Or even just the events of the week that just passed. It wasn't that long ago that businesses weren't open on Sunday. If you got in your car it was to visit your friends and family, just to let them know that you care, or maybe check out their situation, or just help out. At the end of the day of what used to be Sunday, people were rested and looked forward to the following week, sometimes with the determination to be kinder, to do better, to work harder. What happened to Sunday? Our parents grew up with Sunday's off. That means they had 52 days a year to rest. And those were the years when there was a summer. A real summer. Three months off from school for children to play. A break from the 9-month long school year when the routine was different. The energy was different. The air was sweeter. The nights longer, and children stayed up late because they could sleep in the next morning. It was when children wore themselves out with the fun of summer and longed for school again. We don't really have those summers anymore. We don't have those Sunday's anymore either. Children and parents and families and adults have 52 more days a year to do stuff. Sunday is the day we catch up on our work and our homework, because there is so much work and so much homework there's no time to do it. We work 7 days a week or at least are on the go 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. And yet we wonder why children grow up so fast. Why people need drugs to relax. Why they need human contact even if it's in the form of inappropriate unfulfilling sex. Could it be because we've lost 52 opportunities a year to rest and reflect and/or visit our friends and loved ones? That's 520 days in 10 years. That's 1,040 days in 20 years. I've lost 1,040-plus days in my life because Sunday is no longer Sunday. And I'm stressed and tired and irritable, and I feel as if I have no time to do the things I need to do and never have the time to do the things I want to do. And I'm just turning 21. How am I going to feel when I'm my dad's age? How are all of us going to feel when I'm my dad's age? Yet I fear we've lost our Sunday's forever unless we make an effort to reclaim them. And in losing our Sunday's, we're losing a lot more. We're losing ourselves. It's just something I was thinking about. God bless you for hearing my thoughts and being with me.
Annie: The twins need a bath, Happy needs a bath, I need a bath.
Lucy: What does that have to do with Sunday?
Annie: Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

Back in the Saddle Again[edit]

Ruthie (to Katelyn): I was surprised to hear that you have CF. My dad told me a little about it, but I'd like to more, or really, I'd like to know more about you. I just don't want to pry. I mean, we just met and everything. We don't have to talk about anything you don't want to talk about, but I'm a pretty good listener, if you want to try me.
Katelyn: I have good days and bad days with my CF. Some days are tough, and the medical treatments are a pain in the butt, but you know what? I get through those days, just so I can enjoy the good days. I have plenty of good days.
Randy: (about his daughter Katelyn) She was symptomatic from birth. She had a lot of lung infections and poor weight gain, but she wasn't diagnosed until age two. We just have to be diligent with the meds, and even then, we have the occasional trips to the hospital.
Eric: What about you? How are you?
Randy: (points to his chest) When I first found out, I had a lot of numbness right here. Then the numbness wore off, and I felt extreme pain. My heart broke in a million pieces. But over time, the pieces got put back together again, and I'm stronger than ever. I realized that I don't have time for pity, and she doesn't want it, so I spend my days being grateful for the opportunity to know such an inspiring young woman. (looks at Katelyn, smiling and laughing with Ruthie) Just look at her. Isn't she great?
Kevin (to Annie): I'm going home. Evidently Roxanne has turned into Lucy, and if I'm going to deal with Lucyness in my life twenty-four hours a day, I'm going to need my rest. Do you have any advice?

It's Not Always About You[edit]

Smoking[edit]

I Love Lucy[edit]

Lucy: I told you something bad was going to happen. When she's in the middle of her crab legs, it'll suddenly occur to her that Chandler is not the guy for her and she'll find us and...Oh my God. She said he was going to ask her to marry him. Ugh. I hate her. I hate him too. They don't even know each other. Kevin and I know each other. We're in love with each other. We should be getting engaged tonight. Not them. I may look like the crazy person, but they're the crazy people. Crazy people who are going to get married before I do. When I see Kevin, he is so going to get a piece of my heart. He probably knows Chandler is going to propose to her and that's why he is being nice and going through all this trouble.
Kevin Kinkirk: Lucy Camden, will you marry me?
Lucy: [to God] Thank you. [to Kevin] Yes, Kevin Kinkirk, I will marry you.

Stand Up[edit]

High Anxiety[edit]

We Do[edit]

That Touch of Bink (1)[edit]

Dick (2)[edit]

Life and Death (1)[edit]

Lucy (to Annie): What do you mean, sometimes a birth control doesn't work?
Matt (to Sarah): I guess I'm stronger than the pill.
Sarah: Let's hope not.
Sarah (to Matt): I'm stressed out from school and this is the last thing I need, a health problem.
Matt: It's going to be fine and it's funny your reffering to this as a health problem.
Nurse (to Eric): Good night, Grandpa.
Eric: Grandpa?

Life and Death (2)[edit]

Annie (to Eric): As of yesterday, Ruthie became a woman.
Annie (to Ruthie): I know what's going on. I know you've started your period. Now is there anything you'd like to talk about?
Ruthie: I'm going to kill Peter Patrowski!
Ruthie: Mom, if I can't go kill Peter, I just want to be alone! (goes upstairs)
Eric: Ruthie just started her period?
Annie: Yes. (starts crying) And she doesn't want her mother!

Season 8[edit]

The Long Bad Summer (1)[edit]

Simon: I'm responsible for killing someone.
Annie: We've been waiting all summer long to have a fight, so why don't we just have it now, while Simon is out of the house?
Eric: Oh, so that's what you've been waiting for, for Simon to get out of the house. Couldn't you have just asked him to get out of the house so you could say to me whatever it is you wanted to say since May? I know what you wanted to say to me! You wanted to say it's my fault. That if I had left with the rest of the family that I would have been driving, and Paul Smith would still be alive. Isn't that what you wanted to say? That you blame me for this? What if I had been driving? What if I had killed Paul Smith? What if it never happened? If I had been driving, this never would've happened, right? Annie, we can't afford to play "what if." We have to stay with what is, and what is is our son was driving over the curve, and Paul Smith wasn't looking where he was going, and now one life has changed forever, and one life is over. We're the lucky ones. Annie, we're the lucky ones. Simon's life may be changed forever, but he's still alive.
Annie: (near tears) All I wanted to say was why couldn't those parents make sure their son was wearing a helmet?

An Early Fall (2)[edit]

Mary: Carlos and I got married... last April. A week after Lucy and Kevin.
Sam & David: What's for dinner?
Annie: Same thing we've been having all summer. Trouble. A big bowl of heaping trouble, with a Mary on top.
Eric: (about learning that Mary and Carlos got married) I hope they will be very happy. For the rest of their stupid lives.
Annie: Simon, no more running away. We want you home with us. You scared me.
Mary (to Carlos): You know, don't you?
Carlos: All I know is that I love you.
Mary: How do you know?!
Carlos: Just say it.
Mary: I can't.
Carlos: Why?
Mary: Because once I say it, it'll be true.
Carlos: And I want it to be true.
(Long pause)
Mary: We're gonna have a baby.
Carlos: Yes! (hugs Mary) Oh, yes!
Mary: Soy una gallina loca emperazada!

P.K. [Preacher's Kid][edit]

Chandler (to his date): I don't want to talk about the Camdens anymore. Can you go back to the anti-depressants?
Kevin (to Haley): I don't think that this is funny. You should never play hide and seek with a babysitter. In fact, hide and seek may not be a good game to play at all.
Haley: Could you be a little nicer? You're scaring me.
Lou: (to Eric about Carlos and Mary getting married) So, are you going to make a formal announcement?"
Eric: What? And spoil all the fun at the church?

I Wasn't Expecting That![edit]

Peter: Sam and David ate the coal.
Sam: I like coal.
David: Me, too. I'm gonna be a miner.
Eric (to Kevin): Are you ok?
Kevin: Lucy and I haven't had sex since I got pummeled by that woman.
Eric: Good night.
Chandler: I don't think you're that close yet. I don't think you'll ever be that close where you can talk to him about having sex with his daughter.
Eric: (about Annie) She's always cranky when she comes back from her little trips.

Simon's Home Video[edit]

Simon: (about Ruthie) She's going to be the hardest to leave and the hardest to hang onto, because she's Ruthie, and she's 13, and she's got a boyfriend. And while she understands that I want to leave the rest of the family, she doesn't understand how I can leave her, but I don't think she'll hold it against me. She won't have time to hold it against me. She's emerging from childhood to adulthood full speed ahead, with thoughtful intelligence, a great sense of humor, and high self esteem. I'd like to think I had something to do with how great she's turned out so far, and I hope to remain a positive influence in her life, but here's the thing: I know she feels my pain. We're that close. As hard as it is, I really do think it's best to put a little distance between us right now, because I would never forgive myself if I put any rain on Ruthie's parade. And truthfully, I know she will be just fine without me.

Charity Begins at Home[edit]

Getting to Know You[edit]

Baggage[edit]

Go Ask Alice[edit]

The One Thing[edit]

When Bad Conversations Happen to Good People[edit]

The Prodigal Father[edit]

Major League[edit]

Healing Old Wounds[edit]

Don't Speak Ill of the Dead or the Living[edit]

The Anniversary[edit]

Two Weddings, an Engagement, and a Funeral[edit]

Angel[edit]

There's No Place Like It[edit]

High and Dry[edit]

Lost and Found[edit]

Little White Lies (1)[edit]

Little White Lies (2)[edit]

Season 9[edit]

Dropping Trou (1)[edit]

The Best Laid Plans (2)[edit]

The Song of Lucy[edit]

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do?[edit]

Vote[edit]

Fathers[edit]

Regret to Inform[edit]

Why Not Me?[edit]

Thanksgiving[edit]

Gratitude[edit]

[Simon takes a seat at the Womens Clinic]
Leah: You don't look pregnant.

Leah: I'm Leah. Leah Morris.
Simon: Hi. Simon... LeBon.
Leah: Isn't that the name of the lead singer for Duran Duran?
Simon: Yeah... I-I panicked.

Wayne's World[edit]

Paper or Plastic?[edit]

The Fine Art of Parenting[edit]

First Date[edit]

Red Socks[edit]

Brotherly Love[edit]

Tangled Web We Weave[edit]

Honor Thy Mother[edit]

Hungry[edit]

Leaps of Faith[edit]

Mi Familia (1)[edit]

Mi Familia (2)[edit]

Season 10[edit]

It's Late[edit]

Home Run[edit]

Mama's Gonna Buy You a Diamond Ring[edit]

Ring Around the Rosie[edit]

The Rat's Out of the Bag[edit]

Helpful[edit]

Soup's On[edit]

Chicken Noodle Heads[edit]

Turkey[edit]

Apple Pie[edit]

X-Mas[edit]

Got MLK[edit]

And Baby Makes Three[edit]

The Magic of Gershwin[edit]

Love and Obsession[edit]

Moving Ahead[edit]

Highway to Cell[edit]

Invitation to Disaster[edit]

Secrets[edit]

And More Secrets[edit]

Goodbye (1)[edit]

...And Thank You (2)[edit]

Season 11[edit]

Turn, Turn, Turn[edit]

And Tonight's Specials Are...[edit]

A Pain in the Neck[edit]

Don't Ax, Don't Tell[edit]

The Replacements[edit]

Broken Hearts and Promises[edit]

You Take the High Road (1)[edit]

...And I'll Take the Low Road (2)[edit]

Thanks and Giving[edit]

You Don't Know What You've Got 'Til He's Gone[edit]

Christmas![edit]

Can't I Just Get Something to Eat?[edit]

Script Number Two Hundred Thirty Four[edit]

Deacon Blues[edit]

Tit for Tat[edit]

Gimme That Ol' Time Religion[edit]

Small Miracles[edit]

Inked[edit]

Some Break-Up and Some Get-Togethers[edit]

Nothing Says Lovin' Like Something from the Oven[edit]

Good News For Almost Everyone[edit]

David: (talking to Margaret on the phone) We're over at Lucy's house and we're hungry. Me and Sam.
Sam: Sam and me!
David: (putting the phone off his mouth) You're Sam!
Sam: I know, I was correcting your English!

Kevin: (spots Ruthie and T-Bone making out in a corner) Excuse me!
Ruthie: Oh, hi, um
T-Bone: We made up!
Kevin: I can see that. Come on we got to go to the hospital. Your dad's there.
Ruthie: But when I left this morning he was fine.
Kevin: I know, it's good news. I thought you'd like to be there when we all got the good news.
Ruthie: But we can't just leave school.
Kevin: Sure you can! There will be plenty of places to make out at the hospital!

Martin: Ruthie, I lived at your house. You were like a little sister to me, and then you.....and then you grew up. And then I grew up, when Sandy and I had a baby--at least I tried to grow up, and I tried to do the right thing and marry Sandy. That's what I felt I should do. I love my son, and I'd do anything for him, and I really do care about her. But my heart was just never really in it, and that's maybe why I screwed up. I guess I've never really wanted things to work out, and whatever chance I had with her, with the relationship--a romantic relationship--well, I screwed that up.
Ruthie: Isn't this the conversation you should be having with Sandy?
Martin': That's kind of funny, because I've had this conversation with Sandy. This was our conversation last weekend, when she told me she was marrying Jonathan, the doctor she's been going out with. But we didn't talk like you and I talk. It was more of a--it was more of a lecture from her than a conversation.
Ruthie: You're all over the place. What are you trying to say to me? And whatever it is, you should start with an apology for not telling me that you were also dating Jane.
Martin: I'm sorry, I am. I like Jane, she's really attractive......but not as attractive as you. I'm really physically attracted to you, and it feels incredibly awkward saying that, and also, I can't talk to Jane the way I can talk to you. And I think that if we can just start over, if we can agree to date each other and not date anyone else, and if you can let me be more than a friend.....I think we could be really good together.
Ruthie: What?
Martin: I keep trying to treat you like a friend or a sister, but you're older now, I'm older, and that's not the way I see you. And we did kiss.
Ruthie: (pause) Yeah, we did.

And Away We Go[edit]

Margaret: Are you ever coming back?
Eric: I don't know that, either.
Margaret: But what about everything here? Your home, your things?
Eric': Oh. You know, I've lost my enthusiasm for "things", so......I don't really care.

Ruthie: Martin, you're not in love with me. I really am like a sister to you, and when you do find the right woman to be with, I'll be happy to baby-sit for you, okay?
Martin: But all this time, you've been, like, wanting to go out with me, and now that I want to go out with you--
Ruthie: It's too late. I found someone else.
Martin: For now. But you're 17. Maybe you'll change your mind.
Ruthie: I can't. I have his name tattooed on my back.
Martin: Why'd you do that?
Ruthie: I don't know. It was an impulse, a bad impulse. It was the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life.
Martin: So you're staying with him because of a stupid mistake?
Ruthie: He's staying with me. We're staying together, and if we're lucky, we'll be together for the rest of our lives.
Martin: But his mother is...you know...
Ruthie: I know. And despite how she treated him and who she is, the fact that he treats me and other women so respectfully...it just amazes me. He amazes me. I'm in love with T-Bone.
Martin: So you don't think you'll be taking off for Scotland next year, when you graduate?
Ruthie: But if I go, I'm dragging T-Bone with me. He loves Scotland, and there's a whole world out there--a world I want to see. And I want to see it with him. Maybe we'll go somewhere we've never been for college, or maybe we'll take a year off after high school and just travel together. I don't know what will happen, but I do know how I feel.
Martin: Well, someday, I hope to find a woman who feels the same way about me. (they hug)
Ruthie: Bye, Martin.
Martin: Bye, Ruthie. (she leaves)

External links[edit]

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