ALF

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ALF (1986–1990) is the name of a popular TV sitcom series produced by NBC, inspired by and spoofing the movie E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982). It first aired September 22, 1986. It is about a furry alien survivor from Melmac, a nuclear exploded planet, whose spaceship crushes into the garage of an average American family. They then let him live in their house and try to hide him from their nosy neighbors and the rest of the world. This wise cracking alien makes it hard by being adventurous and always looking to have a good time (and trying to catch the tasty family's cat...).

Contents

[edit] Season 1

[edit] A.L.F.

[sound of cans opening, Alf and Brian come out with two cans of something in their hand] Kate: I said no soda pop. Brian: It's not soda pop, it's beer. Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: [burps] You're about out of Coors!

[first line of the first episode] Willie Tanner: [voice-over] This is the way it began, that extraordinary night. The night he came.

ALF: [picking up Willie's glasses] Yeah, what is it about this Lash that you don't like?
Willie: Lash? How do you know about Lash?
ALF: Well, Lynn and I were talking last night and she seems to feel- [tries on Willie's glasses] Jeez, you're blind as a bat, aren't you?

[edit] Strangers in the Night

[ALF is sitting on Willie's bed, and a burglar comes through the window]

ALF: [off-screen narrating] Then it happened. He came into my life. At first, I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it hit me: Santa probably wouldn't smell of cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill his bag with things that didn't belong to him. I was scared stiff, but I realized I had to do something; I realized I was the man of the house. [on screen, addressing burglar] Excuse me? Can you take a little constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong.
Burglar: [examines ALF] Must be one of those talking dolls.
ALF: Oh, yeah!? Ever had a talking doll rip out your voice box!?

[Burglar screams in shock and jumps out the window]

[edit] Unidentified episode

ALF: I want to talk to you about your bombs.
Ronald Reagan: Oh come on, don't bring up the Bonzo films again, I was under contract, I had no choice.
ALF: No, not those bombs, the nuclear ones!
[Willie discovers ALF hides under his bed and jumps up and down on it to try to get him out. ALF thinks it means Willie is being intimate with his wife]
ALF: [From under the bed, assuming they don't know he's there] Go for it, Willie!
[ALF enters the Tanner's bedroom]
ALF: Are you decent?
Willie: Would it matter?
ALF: Not to me.
[ALF plugs in the TV's power cord while Willie tries to fix the TV, thus almost killing Willie]
ALF: Willie, it was an accident.
Willie: An accident?! You almost killed me, and you say it was an accident?!
ALF: All right, let's call it a mistake!
Brian: Do you get Sesame Street where you live?
ALF: No, and frankly, I don't get it here, either.
[ALF has to stay in the garage because Kate's mother is visiting]
ALF: Kate, there's no TV in here.
Kate: We'll let you use the portable TV.
ALF: The black and white one with the one-inch screen? Good. I'll tape it to my eye.
ALF: I hate musicals. Out of the blue people burst into songs.
Willie: Hence the term "musical."
ALF: Yeah, but wouldn't it get on your nerves if all of a sudden I started singing, "Hey, Kate, ain't it great? Hey, Willie, you look silly. Hey-"
Willie: It's getting on my nerves.
[ALF has just broken Willie's shortwave radio]
Willie: Do you know how long -looooooong- It took me ten years to put that thing together.
ALF: I'm glad to see you haven't wasted your life.
[Willie and Kate are debating on whether or not they should tell Kate's mother about ALF]
Willie: I suppose we just sit her down and ask her if she's ever seen E.T.
ALF: Why do you keep comparing me to E.T.? You know, Willie, someday, when people ask me what you're like, I'll ask them "Did you ever see 'The Nutty Professor'?"
Willie: Some people are so blinded by the thirst for money, that it causes them to lose their values and do things they shouldn't do.
ALF: Well, that explains "Ghostbusters II".
Willie: Well, ALF, while we're gone, I trust you won't be getting into any mischief.
ALF: You do?
Willie: Not really, but we gotta go.
[Kate refuses to let ALF to baby-sit Eric]
ALF: But why, why?
Kate: Why? Cause you're irresponsible. You trashed the living room, blew up the kitchen, wallpapered the shower-
ALF: It was a rhetorical question.
[The Tanners are preparing for a garage sale]
ALF: How about this? A genuine, Melmacian, survival knife.
Brian: There's no blade.
ALF: Well, life on Melmac wasn't that tough.
[At the cat Lucky's funeral]
ALF: Where I'm from, this is ludicrous. It's like having a funeral for a hamburger.
[ALF blows up the kitchen]
ALF: I guess we'll have to order in.

[Alf makes weird noises during his attempt to lead a seance]

Dorothy: You don't have to make rude noises.
ALF: That's okay. I don't mind.
ALF: No problem!
[Catch phrase]
ALF: Ha! I kill me!
ALF: I know my rights, I watch People's Court.
ALF: I don't want to be an orphan. I saw "Annie." Orphans have to eat gruel and tap dance with mops.
ALF: The only good cat is a stir-fried cat.
ALF: Are you gonna throw a hissy fit every time I squander a couple thousand dollars?
ALF: Melmac was the name of my planet. It's also what it was made out of.
Willie: [to Kate about ALF] He's odd. Even for an alien.
ALF: How can I read with all this quiet?
ALF: How about a hug for the old ALF'er?
ALF: I wasn't known on Melmac as the whiz kid for my scholastic ability.
ALF: A minute and a half, Luckmiester, then I'll be down on you like a buzzard on a gut wagon.
ALF: Putting humans in charge of the Earth is the cosmic equivalence of letting Eddie Murphy direct.
ALF: Once we add sound, color, and stick Eddie Murphy in there somewhere, it'll be a smash.
ALF: Oh, by the way, don't bother looking for your laxative on a rope.
Willie: Oh, you mean my soap on a rope?
ALF: Trust me on this one.
[ALF squirts Willie with a squirting flower]
Willie: You amaze me. You're two hundred twenty-nine years old, and that's what you think is funny.
ALF: Kate, have I ever lied to you?
Kate: Yes, several times.
ALF: I meant today.
Lynn: You have a cousin Blinky?
ALF: Well, we call him that because he likes to eat light bulbs.
ALF: [referring to the cat Lucky] Maybe he was sucked into a parallel dimension. I've seen that happen.

[edit] Season 2

[edit] I'm Your Puppet

ALF: Hey, I saw one of these guys on TV, he was hillarious!
ALF: I think I'll call him Paul.
Lynn: Paul? That's not a goofy name.
Brian: Hey, ALF. What are you doing?
ALF: I'm running away from home.
Paul: Oh, great. Tell the whole world.
Brian: Why are you running away?
Paul: None of your business! [laughs]
Brian: I'm gonna tell Dad! [he runs away tattling to Willie]
ALF: Hey, why were you lying to Brian like that? [Paul hits him] Ow, don't hit me!
Paul: Shut up and keep tacking.
Paul: Give me some nuts.
ALF: But I don't want any nuts.
Paul: I do! [ALF gives him some nuts; he crushes them with his head]
ALF: Paul, you said you were my friend.
Paul: I lied.
ALF: Say "goodbye", dummy!
Paul: Goodbye, dummy! [ALF throws him on the floor]

[edit] Cast

[edit] External links

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