A Very Potter Musical

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A Very Potter Musical is a musical with music and lyrics by Darren Criss and A.J. Holmes, and a book by Matt Lang, Nick Lang and Brian Holden. The story is a parody based on several of the Harry Potter novels, particularly Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J. K. Rowling, as well as their film counterparts.


Contents

[edit] Voldemort

  • Voldemort out, bitches!
  • I believe everything has its place, Muggles have their place, Mudbloods have their and so do your clothes! Namely a dresser!
  • When I had a body, I had mad game with the bitches!
  • Aw, now two people are mad at me!
  • Just relax with the 'Dark lord,' ok? I watch you wipe your butt daily, you can call me Voldemort, we've reached that point.
  • But! There need not be war between us. You've all fought so valiantly, and I'm willing to offer you positions in my new world order - as my slaves.
  • You think we'd have realized that with both of us drinking into one belly, we'd get twice as drunk.
  • Yes, I know Quirrell, I HEAR EVERYTHING YOU HEAR!
  • You'd think killing people would make them like you, but it doesn't, it just..... it just makes them dead!
  • ...And don't suggest a giant slide or a trampoline... we've already tried those.

[edit] Draco Malfoy

  • Did someone say Draco Malfoy?!
  • You know, they don’t even have dances at Pigfarts. All of the noise would disturb Rumbleroar’s slumbering cubs.
  • Now you're just being cute. I can't go to Pigfarts! It's on Mars, you need a rocketship! Do you have a rocketship, Potter? I bet you do. You know, not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents died. Look at this! Rocketship Potter! Starkid Potter! Moonshoes Potter, traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts!
  • If we're good, Rumbleroar lets you ride around on his back. He's a lion. Who can TALK.
  • You know who I think is the ugliest girl in school? That Hermione Granger! You know what I would give her on a scale of 1 to 10? 1 would be the ugliest and 10 pretty... I would give her an 8... 8.5... or a 9... not over a 9.8 'cos there is always room for improvement. Not everyone is perfect, like me. That's why I'm holding out for a 10. Because I'm worth it!
  • [About the Zefron horcrux] Put some tape on this, it's fine.
  • Pigfarts, Pigfarts, here I come. Pigfarts, Pigfarts, yum yum yum!
  • I'm tired. Can't we just be Death Eaters?
  • I want....Hermione Granger! (quickly) And a rocketship.
  • Wait. Don't tell me... Red hair, hand-me-down clothes and a stupid complexion. You must be a Weasley.
  • [interrupting Professor Quirrell] Go home, terrorist!

[edit] Harry Potter

  • Harry Potter loves Zac Efron more than anyone else on the planet.
  • I don't know man... Cedric Diggory, he's pretty awesome... NOT! He sucks. I'm totally gonna win. It's in the bag.
  • I'll take you down to Winnipeg... THAT'S IN CANADA!
  • But in Spiderman 3 everything sucks and falls to shit! I don't want my life to be like Spiderman 3, god, I hated that movie.
  • I love you all. ...Except you Draco, I can't fucking stand you.

[edit] Albus Dumbledore

  • If anyone were hiding under an invisibility cloak in here, surely they'd have the good sense to SHUT UP.
  • I just have been putting anyone who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor and anyone who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin and for the other two they can go where the hell they want to, I don't really care.
  • Welcome, all of you to Hogwarts I Welcome all of you to school Did you know that here at Hogwarts We've got a hidden swimming pool?
  • What the hell is a huffelpuff?
  • My name is Albus Dumbledore. You may call me... Dumbledore. I suppose you can also call me Albus, if you want a detention! Nah, I'm just kidding, I'll expel you if you call me Albus!
  • A funny thing actually happened to the Sorting Hat. He actually got hitched to another piece of enchanted magical clothing. So he and the Scarf of Sexual Preference won't be back `till next year!
  • Hermionie Granger! when one of yous has a problem, that means all three of yous has got a problem. What would Zac Efron say in a time like this!?! [singing] We're all in this together...
  • Draco, will you sit down, you little shit?!

[edit] Ron Weasley

  • There's another horcrux. I hope it isn't an Ashely Tisdale poster. I couldn't do that.
  • RAAAAGGGHHH!! LET'S GO KILL VOLDEMORT!
  • I have all these pains in my chest I know it's her fault, that bitch!
  • I am just going to curl up in my sock drawer and sleep for days
  • Accio double stuff!

[edit] Severus Snape

  • That's absurd. If a person was a portkey and they were to touch themself... [looks directly at Ron]
  • No... Potter... I'll show you what you need to do... Watch very carefully... [dies]
  • Bomb-appetite... I mean Bon-Appetite.
  • *Ginny walks up* AHH A GINGER! [runs]
  • I'll be in the drawing room painting a picture of the stupid looks on your faces.
  • [Enters the room] Harry Potter! DETENTION!
  • What the devil is going on heeeeeere?

[edit] Others

  • Goyle: I can't believe the counter curse was 'Unjellify!
  • Cedric: Find!
  • Neville: [reading Dumbledore's will] The house cup goes to Gryffindor, Hogwarts goes to Harry Potter, my chocolate factory goes to Charlie, and toon town goes to the toons!
  • Ginny: Oh my Rowling!
  • Molly: AVADA KADAVRA! ... Die, bitch!
  • Cornelius Fudge: [Voldemort enters] I STILL don't believe you're back! [Voldemort kills him] A heart attack, surley!
  • Rumbleroar: Let us be on our way. To Pigfarts! RUMMMMMMBLEROAAAAAAAR!!

[edit] Conversations

Cedric: Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders!
Dumbledore: What the HELL is a Hufflepuff?
Cedric: *Sits down*
Quirrell: So you came back?
Voldemort: ...I came home.
Quirrell: [singing] When I rule the world, I'll plant flowers!
Voldemort: [singing] When I rule the world, I'll have snakes!
Lavander: Bitch, I ain't Cho Chang.
Ron: That's Lavender Brown! Racist sister! [he 'strikes' Ginny]
Hermione: The horcrux could be anywhere. We it could intel countless months of camping in the mundane British countryside, breaking into Gringotts and drinking boatloads of polyjuice potion.
Harry: Well, the medallion says that's dumb, so we're not doing that.
Ginny: What are you doing here?
Molly: I came here with the order of the Phoenix; Lupin, Tonks, Mad-Eye Moody, Sirius Black and your brother Fred.
Ron: Oh great! Where are they?
Molly: They're all dead.
Voldemort: Ah-choo!
Dumbledore: Did your turban just sneeze?
Quirrell: Um, no! That... that was simply a fart!
Malfoy: Don't kill it; it's Zefron!
Ron: I know, he's so charismatic!
Harry: How does Lost end?
Dumbledore: There are some things, Harry, even I don't know.
Draco: ...aaand you have to be my slave for a whole day STARTING NOW!
Voldemort: Oh you little shit! You little shit! You got me! Oh that is soo embarrassing, that's the second time that that's happened!
Quirrell: [reading] "For centuries the four houses have competed for the honor and glory of holding the title of House champion. But where does this competition come from? And what are the roots of the tradition?"
Hermione: [raises hand] The house cup tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students-
Quirrell: That was a rhetorical question.
Hermione: You're not invincible Harry someone died in this tournament.
Harry: I'm the Boy Who Lived not Died! Gawd.
Draco: Did you just hear something?
Goyle: No. Only quiet... Maybe one raindrop...
Harry: Hey Malfoy, tell you what, I'll let you switch dragons with me. I'll give you the chance to switch dragons with me, Ill give you that opportunity.
Draco: Ahh, let me think about it... no.
Harry: I'll give you my gushers!
Draco: Oh... no, no. I have a fruit by the foot.
Harry: I'll throw in my teddy grahams with the gushers, you can make little teddy graham sandwiches.
Draco: Alright... you throw in that pack of Bugles and you got yourself a deal.
Harry: ...Aboslutely not.
Harry: ...I was wondering if you had heard of something, uh, Voldemort is back, Cedric is dead, Professor Quirrel was crazy, and I have to save the world! Did you hear that Hermoine?!
Hermione: Acctually, I have heard those things, Harry, about a thousand times, but never have they been told to me with so much sass!
Harry: Woah!
Hermione: Drop the attitude Harry Potter, your acting like Garfeild on a Monday
Harry: [Gasps]
Draco: Go powder your nose or something!
Pansy: I just fixed my make-up a little while ago.
Draco: Trust me, you need more powder.
Draco: [when asked to kill Dumbledore] I don't think I can do it!
Snape: Nonsense! Ten points from Gryffindor.

[edit] Cast

[edit] External links

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