According to Jim
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Season 1 
"Pilot" [1.01] 
- Jim: "Will you do something for me."
- Cheryl: "Anything."
- Jim: "All right! I got all day to think about it!"
- Jim: "Andy, I've been going over your plan for the Patterson house."
- Andy: "Is there a problem?"
- Jim: "Well, kind of . . . there's no door! So unless the Pattersons were actually born in the house..."
- Jim: "Oh, look at us. Eight o'clock at night and we're already in our pajamas."
- Cheryl: "Yeah."
- Jim: "You wanna have sex?"
- Cheryl: "Yeah."
- Jim: "That's good to know."
- Cheryl: "What are we gonna do about Ruby? I've been sitting outside her classroom for a week now."
- Jim: "I don't know, but honey, we got to do something, cause I can't keep taking the kids to work with me. I mean Kyle is screaming and crying all day and the little one..."
- Cheryl: "...Gracie..."
- Jim: "...right. She keeps answering the phone: 'Hello I have a bagina. Sometimes she doens't even say hello."
"The Crush" [1.06] 
- Jim: "Would you mind taking your toothbrush out of my bathroom."
- Dana: "You didn't use it, did you?"
- Jim: "Not on my teeth."
"Cheryl's Old Flame" [1.07] 
- Cheryl: "Andy's really opening up. He even cried."
- Jim: "Big deal. I make Andy cry every day at work. For 150 bucks an hour I'll make him crap his pants."
- Jim: "Oh, honey, you smell so good. Did you have fries on the way home?"
- Jim: "Hey, Cheryl, you know I wanted to ask you: that smoked ham that we had last night, was it regular ham when we bought it?"
- Cheryl: "You know sweetie, I can quit smoking, but you'll always be an ass."
- Jim: "Geez, do you smoke with that mouth?"
"An According to Jiminy Christmas" [1.10] 
- Ruby: "What's that on daddy's head."
- Cheryl: "Hair."
- Jim: "Hey, I got hair. I just don't comb it forward any more."
- Maggie: "Your mommy thinks I give you too many presents, but I don't have to listen to your mommy, because I'm her mommy."
- Cheryl: "Hey, where are you going?"
- Jim: "I'm going to the kitchen. If I can't sleep or have sex, I'm gonna eat."
"Model Behavior" [1.12] 
- Jim: "Honey, I had no choice. You told me I couldn't do it."
- Jim: "Are you nervous?"
- Ruby: "No"
- Jim: "Then why are your hands so cold?"
- Ruby: "You made me hold your Slurpee!"
Season 2 
"The Pizza Boy" [2.04] 
- Jim: I married her for her looks.
- Cheryl: I married him for his money.
- Jim: Hah! I win!
"Punch the Ruby" [2.06] 
- Jim: Dana, would you tell your sister her ass is not big?
- Dana: But you are big, Jim.
- Cheryl: Remember when dad took us to see 'The Exorcist'? I still have trouble going to bed sometimes!
- Dana: Of course you do, you sleep with Jim!
"The Bachelor" [2.07] 
- Dana: You guys are not gonna believe this.
- Jim: Not only am I not going to believe it, I won't care.
"Father Disfigure" [2.08] 
- Jim: "Where's the rulebook?"
- Cheryl: "What rulebook?"
- Jim: "You know. The religious one . . . the Bible."
- Jim: "You know, I'm so used to calling you 'Beaky' that I never... What is your real name? First name?"
- Reverend: "Gaylord."
"Moral Dilemma" [2.12] 
- Jim: "Here's a language everybody understands." (Pulls out a bill.)
- Dana: "Is that a one Dollar bill Jim?"
- Jim: "Yes. Dana, in their country this can clothe and feed an entire village for a year."
"About a Girl" [2.25] 
- Jim: "I am in great shape."
- Cheryl: "What shape is that, a circle?"
Season 3 
"The Errand" [3.01] 
- Cheryl: "He's brilliant. He's pretending to be a moron to cover up being a jackass." [about Jim]
"House for Sale" [3.14] 
- Jim: "Everyone, circumcise your watches."
"Cheryl Sings" [3.17] 
- Mindy: [speaking Japanese] "Shinjuku eki-wa doko des-ka. [meaning "Where is the train station?"] Who can guess what that means?"
- Dana: "I'd like to kill myself."
- Mindy: "Silly – no."
- Dana: "No, I'd like to kill myself."
"When You Wish to Be a Star (Part 2 of 2)" [3.19] 
- "Jim, I'm gonna kill you. Then I'm gonna get off this boat, go to Haiti, learn Voodoo, raise you from the dead, and kill you again!"
- Andy: "I've been drinking my own spit. I drank my own spit!"
"No Crime, But Punishment" [3.20] 
- Jim: "Cheryl, books are for idiots!"
"The Baby" [3.21] 
- Andy: "Dana, I'm going to be a daddy! What's new with you, nothing, right?"
- Roxanne: "Oh, geez, Jimmy. Can't a girl show up on her brother's doorstep, alone, broke, and knocked up, and not be after something?"
- Jim: "The amazing thing about these little babies is that they give you the chance to start over."
"Who's the Boss?" [3.22] 
- Jim: "Write this down. We win. They Lose. USA #1." [about World War II]
"The Truck" [3.23] 
- Jim: (to Cheryl) "When I got home from work and you weren't in the kitchen, I feared the worst."
- Dana: "What, that you'd have to make your own dinner?"
"The Toilet" [3.24] 
- Jim: "The toilet comes with a lifetime guarantee! So we'll never have to worry about buying another toilet. And when I die, Kyle will inherit the throne. It'll be like Shakespeare!"
Season 4 
"The Garage Door" [4.04] 
- Andy: "Urine... You're in danger, you're in trouble..."
- Jim: "You're insane!"
Season 5 
"Mr. Right" [5.15] 
- Jim: "Eric Estrada asked me directions and he gave me.. the guns!"
- Cheryl: "It was NOT Eric Estrada and it was the thumbs up sign!"
- Jim: "Guns!"
- Cheryl: "Thumbs up!"
- Jim: "GUNS!"
- Cheryl: "THUMBS UP!"
"Jim's Best Friend" [5.21] 
- Jim: "Cheryl, can Kyle swim?"
- Cheryl: "I don't care. Hey, were's Andy? I thought you guys had that Indianapolis 500 thing?"
- Jim: "Yeah, we did, but then he remembered he had a doctor's appointment. You know what? He's been on this health kick ever since he had those chest pains. I don't get it."
- Cheryl: "Hey, you know what? I'm going to do a few pages in our holiday scrap book later. Wanna help me?"
- Jim: "I'm bored Cheryl, not somebody else."
- Ryan: "You had chest pains Andy. You know that's it, I'm taking your blood pressure."
- Andy: "As long as you don't do it rectally!"
- Ryan: "Not if you were stuffed full of gold."
Season 6 
- [Talking about the guinea pig Fluffy]
- Veterinarian: "Are you Fluffy's father."
- Jim: "I'd like to think so, but he looks a lot like the mailman."
- Cheryl: "How's Fluffy?"
- Jim: "Well, he needs surgery. It costs 2100 bucks."
- Cheryl: "Oh my God. When's it scheduled for?"
- Jim: "Well, the same day that 2100 dollars falls from the sky."
- Cheryl: "Okay, honey I know it's a lot of money, but we're just gonna have to find some ways to make some cutbacks."
- Jim: "You know what, you're absolutely right. First cutback: Fluffy the guinea pig!"
"Deliverance" [6.08] 
- Jim: "Heroes aren't born...they're cornered." [About looking after Dana while she's pregnant]
"Any Man of Mine" [6.17] 
- Jim: "Maybe something that will make you less miserable ... like two tickets two Les Misérables [pronounced less miserables]."
- Jim: "Cheryl, I don't think the gays have second base. Once you pick up the bat, it's a home run."
Season 7 
"Jim Almighty" [7.01] 
- Jim: "When you go for beer, Gopherhoff"
"The Hot Wife" [7.02] 
- Jim: "You know what always helps me when I'm not feeling sexy? Some good old-fashioned sex."
- Jim: "[To Andy] What's so weird about you writing love letters to your sister from the water guy so she'll sleep with me more?"
- Cheryl: "Are you crazy?"
- Jim: "Yes. You know that."
- Cheryl: "Oh, honey. You know you're the only man for me. And you know when we're inside that bedroom, we are both only thinking about you."
"All Dolled Up" [7.10] 
- Jim (To his pregnant wife, who's upset she missed her daughter's "perfect" party) It wasn't perfect, alright? The doll place kicked us out, and we'll probably get sued! Isn't that great!?
"The Six-Week Curse" [7.15] 
- Jim: "You know that wearing G.I. Joe underwear does not mean you're going commando."
"The Cheater" [7.16] 
- Gracie: "There's no way that this milk can stretch over three bowls of cereal."
- Jim: "You know what? When your daddy was raised during the Great Depression . . . you know what we had to put in our cereal? Tears."
- Ruby: "The Great Depression was in the 30s."
- Jim: "Honey, we were so poor that we couldn't afford calendars."
Season 8 
"The Daddy Way" [8.11] 
- Phil: "I'm a little worried, Jim. I don't know how I'm going to explain all this extra I've won to my wife."
- Jim: "That is the most pathetic sentence I have ever heard."
- Phil: "I just think she's going to catch it. She gives me 40 bucks a week spending money."
- Jim: "I stand corrected: that is the most pathetic sentence I have ever heard."
- Jim: "Bill! Bill! Bill!"
- Phil: "My name's Phil."
- Jim: "Who cares!"
Unknown Episodes 
- Jim: "Unless I hit a home run, score a touchdown, or I ask you to, that is not okay!"
- Jim Belushi – Jim
- Courtney Thorne-Smith – Cheryl
- Kimberly Williams-Paisley – Dana Gibson (Seasons 1–7, guest season 8)
- Larry Joe Campbell – Andy
- Taylor Atelian – Ruby
- Billi Bruno – Gracie
- Conner Rayburn – Kyle (Seasons 4–8)
- Mitch Rouse – Ryan Gibson (Seasons 4–6, guest season 8)
- Mo Collins – Emily (Seasons 7–8)
- Jackie Debatin – Mandy (Season 8)