Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

From Wikiquote
Jump to: navigation, search

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is a 1994 Warner Bros. comedy film about a goofy detective specializing in animals who goes in search of a missing dolphin mascot of a football team.

Directed by Tom Shadyac and written by Jack Bernstein, Tom Shadyac, and Jim Carrey. Starring Courteney Cox.

Contents

[edit] Dialogue from film

Ace Ventura: HDS, sir. And how are you this afternoon? Alrighty then. I have a package for you.
Man: [shakes the box, which Ventura had been mangling and kicking all the way] Sounds broken.
Ace Ventura: Most likely sir. I bet it was something nice, though. Now, this is an insurance form. If you'll just sign here, here and here and print your name here and initial here, we'll get the rest of the forms out to you as soon as we can.
Ace Ventura: Warning. Assholes are closer than they appear.
[Aguado stomps on a cockroach.]
Aguado: Homicide, Ventura. Now how you gonna solve that one?
Ace Ventura: Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's dick and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 30 pounds... porking his wife!
Aguado: Why, you--
[He takes a swing at Ace and misses; Ace takes him down and holds his face near the dead bug]
Ace: Now, kiss and make up.
Roger Podactor: Who's he?
Melissa Robinson: Roger Podactor, meet Ace Ventura. He's our pet detective.
[Roger shakes Ace's hand.]
Roger Podactor: Nice to meet you, you were highly recommened by Martha Mertz.
Ace Ventura: Martha Mertz? Oh, yeah, the bitch.
Roger Podactor: What?
Ace Ventura: Pekingnese, hyperactive, lost in Highland Park area. She was half-dead when I found her. [looks at the tank area] Is that the tank? Excuse me. [walks off with Melissa and Roger standing in disbelief]
Mr. Shickadance: [has a creepy voice; speaks from behind Ace] Ventura!
Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? [turns around to face Mr. Shickadance] Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else.
Mr. Shickadance: Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura. [coughs in Ace's face] You owe me rent.
Ace Ventura: Mr. Shickadance, I told you; you're my first priority. I'm on a very big case right now. Check this out. [shows him a flyer] That's a true Albino pigeon. Some rich guy lost it. He's offering a $25,000 reward. As soon as I find this bird, you're paid.
Mr. Shickadance: [darkly] I heard animals in there, Ventura. I heard 'em again this mornin', scratchin' around.
Ace Ventura: I never bring my work home with me, sir.
Mr. Shickadance: Oh, yeah? Then what's all this pet food for?
[Long pause]
Ace Ventura: Fiber.
Ace Ventura: [to Shickadance] Why don't come to take a look inside? C'mon. C'mon! [he shakes his keys acting like they're stuck. The door opens. Ace enters]
Ace Ventura: Go ahead. Snoop around! [Mr. Shickadance enters, looks around and sniffs]
Ace Ventura: Well? Are you satisfied?
Mr. Shickadance: Just don't let me catch you with an animal here, that's all.
Ace Ventura: All right! Take care now! Bye-bye, then! [slams door in front of Mr. Shickadance's face]
Ace Ventura: L-oser!
Ace Ventura: [Ace whistles and a swarm of animals emerge from various hiding places] Come to me my animal friends!

[Ace sings in a falsetto voice]


Ace Ventura: You're certain you had to open this door.
Aguado: Yeah, I'm certain.
Lois Einhorn: What's the point, Ventura?
Ace Ventura: Only this. [walks out to the balcony screaming while he opens and closes the door, no one can hear him scream when the door is closed]
Ace Ventura: This is double-paned sound-proof glass! There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut! The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes! Yes! Oh, yeah! Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh!? Huh!? Huh!?

'[mimics Tangina character from Poltergeist movie]

Ace Ventura: I have exorcised the demons... this house is clear...l-osers.

Lois Einhorn:[everyone stares in shock] Get him out of here!

Ace Ventura: [starts making his way out with Melissa while looking at everyone holding is fingers like an L] LOSER!
Lois Einhorn: Listen, pet dick. How would you like for me to make your life a living hell?
Ace Ventura: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 9-1-1? Alrighty then.
Ace Ventura: [speaking through his rear opera-style] Assholimio... Osodomia...Lea--
[Einhorn walks over to Emilio and Ace]
Ace Ventura: Holy...testicle Tuesday!
Lois Einhorn: What the hell is he doing here?
Ace Ventura: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
Ace Ventura: [speaking through his rear] Excuse me! I'd like to "ass" you a few questions!
Emilio: This is not the time, Ace. If Einhorn comes down here and sees me talking to you or your ass, I'm history.
Ronald Camp: Who is he, a friend?
Melissa Robinson: No, this is--this is my date. He's a lawyer.
Ronald Camp: Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "lawyer"?
Melissa Robinson: No, this is Ace. Um, Tom Ace.
Ace Ventura: Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Mr. Camp, and congratulations on all your success. You smell terrific. I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at Stanford Law was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice with little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?
Ronald Camp: [nervously] Very, very well, thank you.
Ace Ventura: [to Melissa] Oh. Look, honey, there's the hors d'oeuvres. [looks suspiciously at Camp]
Ronald Camp: I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ace. I'll have the plumbing checked immediately.
Ace Ventura: Be sure that you do. If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed!
Ace Ventura (walks out of the bathroom soaked and mangled) DO NOT GO IN THERE WHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Ace Ventura (after dropping a bucket of fish on a guard) Hmmm unconcious, exactly as I planned it.
Ace Ventura: Good to see someone who doesn't buckle under the pressure.
[Lois points gun at Ace.]
Lois Einhorn: And what would you know about pressure?
Ace Ventura: Well, I have... kissed a man.
Ace Ventura: Hi, I'm looking for Ray Finkle.
[A shotgun comes out of door, pointing at Ace.]
Ace Ventura: And a clean pair of shorts.
Mr. Finkle: What do you know about Ray Finkle?
[Ace sucks in a huge breath of air.]
Ace Ventura: Soccer style kicker, graduated from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule", the first and only pro-athlete to come out of Collier County, and one hell of a model American. [takes deep breath]
Mr. Finkle: Are you another one of them "Hard Copy" guys?
Ace Ventura: No, sir, I'm just a very big Finkle fan. This is my Graceland, sir.
Dan Marino: Hey Ace, got anymore of that gum?
Ace Ventura: That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.
Dan Marino: You're a weird guy, Ace! Weird guy.
Lois Einhorn: The laces were in. They were in!
[Lois shoots one of the TV sets.]
Mrs. Finkle: It was all that Dan Marino's fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball, laces out, like he was supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Would you like a cookie, son?
Ace Ventura: [takes one of the cookies] Hmm, what do you know...[holds it beside his face] They're little footballs.
Mrs. Finkle: Laces out.
[Lt. Einhorn is pointing a gun at Ace's head]
Ace Ventura: [begging] Don't kill me! Please! I'll never tell anyone, I swear... [indicates Marino] He's the one you want! Kill him!
Dan Marino: No, kill him!
Ace Ventura: No, kill him! He held the ball wrong, remember?! Come on, look at the guy!
[Lt. Einhorne shoots into the air]
Dan Marino: [to Ace] Cry-baby.
Ace Ventura: [to Dan] Jock.
Dan Marino: Wimp.
Ace Ventura: Muscle-head.
Lois Einhorn: SHUT UP!
Dan Marino: Hey Ace... come here.

[Ace walks over to stand in front of Lois who's in her underwear]

Ace Ventura: Ladies and gentlemen... my esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken... if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be... then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids...I HAVE EVER SEEN!

[turns Lois around to reveal a bulge in her nether regions]

Ace Ventura: That's why Roger Podacter is dead! He found Captain Winkie!

[edit] Cast

[edit] See also

[edit] External links

Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about:
Retrieved from "http://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ace_Ventura:_Pet_Detective&oldid=1379266"
Personal tools
Namespaces
Variants
Actions
Navigation
Toolbox
In other languages