Achewood

Achewood is a comic written and illustrated by Chris Onstad. It debuted on October 1, 2001

Comics

2001

• Teodor: Philippe is standing on it.
  • Philippe is standing on it

• Philippe: Lie Bot, what is the saddest thing?
  • Lie Bot, what is the saddest thing
  • Bloopers and outtakes
  • Lie Bot: Saddest Thing: redux
  • Saddest Thing Tri-reduxtastic
  • Saddest Thing IV

2002

• Ray: But Pat, The Cure is silly! It is silly to like The Cure!

Pat: Oh there you go, joinin' in, just like always! I guess friends DON'T change!

Ray: No, really! They are really silly people! Stop listening to them!

Pat: What the... why the hell you care so much?

Beef: They suck pretty bad huh Ray

Ray: That's Right, Roast Beef! Say, how you doin'?

Beef: Pretty good now that I am 239,000 miles from The Cure

• Roast Beef Sometimes

• Ray: EVERYBODY DANCE LIKE THERE'S ASS IN YOUR PANTS! ASS IN YOUR PANTS, ASS IN YOUR PANTS!
  • ASS IN YOUR PANTS

2003

• Ray: Dang, Beef! This ain't no regular hangover! This is the big one! I...I'm talkin' physical therapy! Wheelchairs and stuff! Speakin' at high schools!

(Alt-text): i...am...here...to tell you not to get a hangover

• Hangover Therapy

• Pat: What's it like to...what's it like to kill someone, Pete?

Nice Pete: It's kind of like

Nice Pete: It's kind of like playin' a basketball game

Nice Pete: I am there

Nice Pete: and the other player is there

Nice Pete: and it's just the two of us

Nice Pete: and I put the other player's body in my van

Nice Pete: and I am the winner

• Killing is Like Basketball

• Nightlife: Whoah, don't get any ideas, muchacho amigo. My foie gras looks like a damn Brillo pad.
  • Artificial Japanese Liver

• Note to consumers: 68% of "McAfrica" pita sandwiches test positive for HIV.
  • Philippe at Berlin McDonald's

• Robert Johnson: You are a hoot and a holler Ray Smuckles
  • Robert Johnson Ocular Shenanigans

• Beef: We cracked into a case of Blue Nun Widemouths at like 3 AM last night

Beef: What was that

Beef: Heh heh that's right

Beef: "The wine so bad it made the news"

• Blue Nun Widemouths

2004

• Beef: Hey there Jackie D

Beef: Tuck me in and be my breakfast

• Tuck Me In Jack Daniels

• Pat: Mexican people take too long gettin' in and out of cars!

Host: Really? I don't think I've ever--

Pat: Don't you lie to me! How many times have you sat and waited while some Mexican was gettin' into a car, actin' like the world was his oyster?!

• Pat is quick to generalize

• Beef: I wonder if there's a college study that shows how exposing my generation to Three's Company set gender relations back approximately 715 years
  • Beef is not Lenny Kravitz

• Beef: OH I AM YOUR MOM AND I JUST TOOK YOU TO SCHOOL IN THE CAR OF PAIN

Beef: SAY IT

• Judi Dench's Three Pound Underwear

2005

• Teodor: He'd murder dead things if science would let him.
  • The Great Wayans Brother Cookbook Issue

Ray: Teodor, man! We need a logo for our new joint company! Come help us out, doggie!

Teodor (phone): They any sluts up ins?

Ray: What? Are there any sluts at my house?

Teodor (phone): 'Cause you know I ain't never go nowhere 'less they be mad sluts at that place!

Ray: Hey, you can make fun of me all in your corny deep voice, or you can get in on the ground floor of this thing.

Teodor (phone): Hode on, I got to tip the little Panama boy what vacuums my dropped gerunds out the bottom of the Escalade. Chocolate love, all.

(Alt-text): Never go nowhere 'less they be mad sluts at that place.

• Lyle and Ray's Perfect Jays

• Ray: Oh god oh shit oh no! Fuck man, why they got to do a thing?
  • Dinner with Cartilage Head

2006

• Ray: I have Airwolf. I'm just seein' if there's anything I can do to help my guys.

Teodor: I'm not sure what you mean. I don't know if what you're saying means anything.

Ray: I have Airwolf. This is not code language. I am flying Airwolf because I own Airwolf. Nothing else I could say would make more sense given what I own and what I am doing at this moment.

• Ray has Airwolf

• Little Nephew: You're going to send me to get my ass kicked by a guy who trained himself to be a Marine by jumping off his roof onto a trampoline, aren't you?
  • The Mike Stonetower School

• Ray: Jesus Christ, already! I'm afraid to buy a new dish sponge 'cause I might win a phone call from INXS! Man, I ain't got nothin' to say to those guys!
  • Please Fuck Ray Friday

• Ray: Emeril food! Now! Why come ain't nobody stuffing a lasagna inside a turkey? Where's the butter? Put butter on what I said!
  • Ray Walks Home From Mexico

2007

• Ray: You know me, dude. I'm straighter than John Wayne voting for Reagan on a horse. Somebody says I'm gay, I'll just sit here bein' straight, and they'll be wrong.
  • The Gay Porn/Moonwalk Analogy

• Pat: Teodor! Did you know it takes three acres of grain to produce one pound of beef?

Teodor: Fuck you, Pat. Three acres of grain tastes terrible with a baked potato.

• Fuck You Friday - Pat Edition

• Cornelius: I have a sneaking suspicion you take your alarmist medical parameters from the same commercial insurance literature that classifies Elijah Wood as morbidly obese.

Cornelius: Fuck along, now.

• Fuck You Friday - Pat Edition

• Ray: HEY! Don't you do cocaine at ME, you son of a bitch!
  • Philippe's 5th Birthday Party

• Ray: YOU WANT TO BE NINETEEN?! GO AHEAD!
  • Ray: YOU JUST STAY THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYBODY'S FACE UNTIL YOU GOT THE FUCKIN' JUICE TO GET A JOB WHERE THEY GIVE YOU A CHAIR!
  • Fuck You Friday September Twenty-First

• Ray: Because I pay attention. I PAY ATTENTION. You didn't know I was paying attention because you weren't PAYING ATTENTION.

Ray: When I was a kid, a teacher told me to pay attention. I guess I took it to heart.

Ray: Beats me, man. Beats me why most dudes suck. Sure as hell ain't my scene.

• Pay Attention

2008

• Beef: Disneyland was wall to wall five-hundred-pound mongoloids with leg tattoos and kids named Desteny
  • Knuckleheads Magic Adventure

• Beef: Hm maybe get some medical insurance

Beef: I mean I don't want to seem all cocky and falutin' so maybe just a real basic plan where like if I die they put me in a coffin

• Wealth Intervention

• Cornelius: When we do make the beast with two backaches, our onomatopoeia is less "ooh" and "aah" than "crack" and "help."

• The Last Time You Make Love

2009

• Ramses: Now, I don't ever want to see you again unless it's in a coffin

Ramses: You see that Falcon, you best jump right in the nearest coffin you hear me

Ramses: I ain't care if it's your birthday and yo' mama needs the coffin 'cause she's dead

• The Pocket Dial.

• Welshman: IF I AM A PILGRIM TO GOMORRAH, THEN I AM A PILGRIM TO GOMORRAH, BUT JUDGE ME NOT 'TIL YE ALSO HAVE SURRENDERED TO THE BLADE OF ECSTASY THAT IS THE NACHO CHIP!
  • Romanticized Sketch of the Birth of the Nacho.

Alternate Text

• Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets of Zyrelax.
  • Piss Shiver
• Llewellyn Ash knows that You are capable of Wonderful Things.
  • Llewellyn Ash, baby
• Roast Beef's hang-up is actually a fantasy for many men
  • Burritos/Oral Sex
• Patronize your local fast food cart
  • Pat is quick to generalize
• Smoking Mr. Gary's pole is so beautiful.
  • Pat is on the radio again!
• 750 dudes with Tron pillows go Oh, No Wonder.
  • Beef is not Lenny Kravitz
• It is pretty hard to tell a nine-year old child that they are dead. It is pretty sad.
  • Charlie Brown, you died