Red Dwarf

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Red Dwarf (1988-1999, 2009-) is a BBC Sci-Fi/Comedy television show set on a fictional mining spaceship, the Red Dwarf of the show's title, three million years after radiation killed most of the crew. The characters are: Holly, the computer; Dave Lister, the only human survivor, whom Holly released from stasis; Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of Lister's former superior; The Cat, the last known member of a race of humanoids evolved from Lister's cat; from Series III onwards Kryten, a mechanoid originally from the Nova 5 whom Lister rebuilt, during Series VII and VIII Kristine Kochanski an alternate version of Lister's girlfriend; and characters encountered later in the series.

Unless otherwise noted, these quotes are from show creators Rob Grant and/or Doug Naylor.

Contents

[edit] Series I

[edit] The End

Lister: [singing] To Ganymede and Titan, yes sir, I've been around...
Rimmer: Lister?
Lister: Hmm?
Rimmer: Have you ever been hit on the head with a welding mallet? No? Well, shut up, then.
Rimmer: [discussing his last exam] Lister, last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins.
Lister: You what? You went in there, wrote "I AM A FISH" four hundred times, did a funny little dance and fainted!
Rimmer: That's a total lie.
Lister: No, it's not. Peterson told me.
Rimmer: "No, it's not. Peterson told me." Lister, if you must know, I submitted a discourse on porous circuitry that was too... radical, too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept.
Lister: Yeah. You said you were a fish!
Captain Hollister: Just one more thing before we start the disco, Holly tells me he's sensed a non-human life form on-board.
Lister: Sir, it's Rimmer!
Holly: They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.
Lister: Peterson isn't, is he?
Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave!
Lister: Not Chen!
Holly: Gordon Bennett! Yes, Chen. Everyone. Everybody's dead, Dave!
Lister: Rimmer?
Holly: He's dead, Dave. Everybody is dead. Everybody is dead, Dave.
Lister: Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?
Holly: Should've never let him out in the first place....

[edit] Future Echoes

Holly: I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000; the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.
Holly: Look, I'm trying to navigate at faster than the speed of light, which means that before you see something, you've already passed through it. Even with an IQ of 6000, it's still brown-trousers time.
Rimmer: [jogging] Morning, Lister! How's life in hippie heaven, you pregnant baboon-bellied space beatnik? What's the plan for the day, then? Slobbing in the morning, followed by slobbing in the afternoon, then a bit of a snooze before the main evening's slob? God, you're a disgrace to the species. [jogs away]
[Lister]: Good morning, Rimmer.
[Lister]: You said yourself. I can't stop it. Let's get this over with. [grabs a pipe]
[Rimmer]: Lister, what's that for?
[Lister]: I'm going out as I came in, screaming and kicking.
[Rimmer]: You can't just whack Death on the head!
[Lister]: If he comes near me, I'm gonna rip his nipples off!

[edit] Balance of Power

Holly: Jean-Paul Sartre said Hell was being locked forever in a room with your friends.
Lister: Holly, all his mates were French!
Rimmer: What's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey! I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names, I want places, I want dates.
Lister: Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this morning.

[edit] Waiting For God

Holly: David Lister, Technician, 3rd class. Captain's remarks: "Has requested sick leave due to diarrhea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career. Promotion prospects: zero."
Holly: Arnold Rimmer, Technician, 2nd Class. Captain's remarks: "There's a saying amongst the officers: If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer. Promotion prospects: comical."

[edit] Confidence and Paranoia

Cat: Hey, this has been a really good day. I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have sex with something.
Cat: [sings] S-E-X, you know I want it! S-E-X, I'm gonna get it! Yeah! [Cat finds Lister unconscious on the floor.] S-E-X, I think I found it!

[edit] Me²

Lister: Hang on, hang on. Are you saying you never became an officer because you shared your quarters with someone who hummed?
Rimmer: Obviously not just that, Lister. Everything! Everything you ever did was designed to hold me back and annoy me.
Lister: Like what?
Rimmer: Like using my mother's photograph as an ashtray.
Lister: I didn't know! I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo.
Lister: Yo, I didn't know you had any medals. What are they for?
Rimmer: Three years long service. Six years long service. Nine years long service... Twelve years long service.
Rimmer: Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly.
Lister: C'mon, that was a joke!
Rimmer: Yes Lister, the same kind of joke as putting my name on the waiting list for experimental pile surgery.
Rimmer: STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM!
Cat: [through a megaphone while on roller skates] Hello, hello, testing, testing, one one one, me me me! Attention all lady cats! I am feeling very very sexy! Can you hear me, lady cats? My body is available!
Cat: [through his megaphone] SHUT UP!
Lister: Will you stop doing that?
Cat: I'm trying to watch the film!
Lister: I'm only eatin'!
Cat: No, eating's when food goes in your mouth!

[edit] Series II

[edit] Kryten

Holly: We're a bit short on a few supplies.
Lister: Like what?
Holly: Cow's milk. Ran out of that yonks ago. Fresh and dehydrated.
Lister: What kind of milk are we using now?
Holly: Emergency back-up supply. We're on the dog's milk.
Lister: Dog's milk?
Holly: Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.
Lister: Why?
Holly: No bugger'll drink it. And the advantage of dog's milk is that when it goes off it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.
Lister: Why didn't you tell me, Hol?
Holly: What, and spoil your tea?
[Lister finds Kryten ironing in the sleeping quarters, now decorated like something from Pride & Prejudice]
Lister: What the smeggin' hell is going on?
Kryten: Good afternoon, Mister David, sir.
Lister: [Holds up a pair of boxer shorts] What are these?
Kryten: Your boxer shorts, Mister David, sir.
Lister: No way are these my boxer shorts, these bend! What have you done to the place?
Kryten: I've done a spot of tidying up.
Lister: But where is everything? Where's me coffee cup with the mould in it?
Kryten: I threw it away, sir.
Lister: But I was breeding that mould! His name was Albert! I was trying to get him two foot high!
Kryten: Why, sir?
Lister: Because it drives Rimmer nuts! And driving Rimmer nuts is what keeps me going.
Cat: You'd never get a cat to be a servant. You ever see a cat return a stick? "Hey, man! You threw the stick, you go get it yourself! I'm busy! If you wanted the stick so bad, why'd you throw it away in the first place?"
Lister: His name is not 'Mr Arnold.' It's Rimmer, or smeghead, or dinosaur-breath, or molecule-mind, or on rare occasions, and this is when you wanna be especially nice to him, you can call him 'arsehole.'

[edit] Better Than Life

Lister: Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings when they are properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings should not bounce!
Rimmer: True, but after the way I thought they were going to turn out they were quite (does a little kiss) superb! (French accent)
Lister: So how's the Cat?
Rimmer: Oh, he's just sleeping off the stomach pump...He'll be alright, the lamb was a bit of a flop though.
Lister: The Lamb!? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese! And that Lemon Meringue Pie, man, what was in that?
Rimmer: I thought you liked that! You bought some back.
Lister: Yeah....I wanted to try some out on my Athlete's Foot!
Cat: I'm so hungry. I just have to eat!
Lister: Shh... Rimmer's dad's died.
Cat: I'd prefer chicken.
Rimmer: [while Lister is sorting through the mail] You'll send away for every bit of tat, just so you'll have some mail to open.
Lister: Me... Me... Me...
Rimmer: "Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit! Fourteen super brushes for cleaning even the trickiest of sea-bound mammals! Yes, I am over 18, although my IQ isn't."
Lister: Smeg! Outland Revenue!
Rimmer: [sarcastically] Oh, oh, oh, oh! Outland Revenue!
Lister: 8500!
Rimmer: 8500? That's a lot of tax, isn't it, Listy? How on Titan are you going to pay for that?
Lister: I'm not. It's yours.
Rimmer: What? This is wrong! This is dead wrong!
Lister: Relax, it doesn't matter now. Not gonna catch you now, are they?
Rimmer: What? Just because we're three million years into deep space and the human species is extinct? That means nothing to these people. They'll find us.

[edit] Thanks for the Memory

Lister: What time is it?
Rimmer: [blearily crawls over to the clock on the bedside table] ....Saturday.
Lister: That the best you can do?
Rimmer: There are some numbers beside it, but they could be anything.
Rimmer: I want a triple fried egg sandwich...
Lister: With chili sauce and chutney!
Holly: You what?
Lister: It's a state-of-the-art sarnie!
Holly: It's the state of the floor I'm worried about.
Rimmer: It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery.
Lister: It's well naughty. The trick is to eat it before the bread dissolves.
Rimmer: It's amazing Where did you get the recipe?
Lister: I'm not sure.... I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare.

[edit] Stasis Leak

Rimmer: On the morning of Febuary the 26th, at 0800 hrs, did engage in conversation with second technician Rimmer, Arnold J...
Captain Hollister: For crying out loud, Rimmer!
Rimmer: - the outcome of which was a proposal by the aforementioned Lister to the aforementioned Rimmer to cook him breakfast.
Captain Hollister: Okay, I'm getting the picture.
Rimmer: Breakfast comprised of two eggs, three rashers of bacon, a grilled tomato, two sausages, a small portion of fried potatoes... and a large quantity of mushrooms. Having consumed this repast, second technician Rimmer, Arnold J. experienced what can only be described as a "voyage to trip-out city". To whit, a major hallucinogenic fit.
Captain Hollister: Lister, is this true?
Lister: No, sir. I'm sure it was only one egg.
Rimmer: The aforementioned Rimmer, to whit, me, then attended inspection parade. He was totally naked except for a pair of mock-leather driving gloves and some blue swimming goggles. Under the influence of this psychadelic breakfast he went on to attack two senior officers, believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous
Cat [to Rimmer]: What is it?
Rimmer: It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
Cat [to Lister]: What is it?
Lister: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
Cat [to Rimmer]: What is it?
Rimmer: It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.
Cat [to Lister]: What is it?
Lister: It's a hole back into the past.
Cat: Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?
Rimmer: Look... In three million years, you'll be dead.
Past Rimmer: [mock surprise]: Oh, will I really?
Rimmer: Yes, unless you do something about it now.
Past Rimmer: Oh, and what do you suggest I do, then? Eat less white bread? More roughage?
Lister: Why do women always leave me? Why do they dump me for men who wear turtle neck sweaters and smoke a pipe? I mean natural yoghurt eaters. "Reliable", "sensible", "dependable", and lots of others words that end in "-ible". They're obsessed with house prices and spends half his life at antique fairs looking for bargains and drinking wine. It's never beer is it, it's always wine. 'What do you want on your cornflakes darling', 'oh I'll 'ave some wine please'.
Holly: I was in love once. A Sinclair ZX81. People said, no, Holly, she's not for you. She's cheap, she's stupid and she wouldn't load, well, not for me anyway.
Lister: What are you trying to say, Hol?
Holly: What I'm saying, Dave is, it's better to have loved and lost than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John.
Cat: Why's that?
Holly: Anything's better than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John.

[edit] Queeg

Holly [after being insulted about his temporarily reduced IQ]: 6? Do me a lemon! That's a poor IQ for a glass of water!
Holly, That's a load of Tottenham, that is. Yeah, a steaming pile of Hotspur.
Rimmer, He's out to lunch, breakfast, dinner, tea, supper, the lot. He's not in for a single meal, if you ask me.
Holly, And the moral of the story; appreciate what you've got, because basically, I'm fantastic!

[edit] Parallel Universe

[from the song "Tongue-Tied," sung by Cat, Rimmer and Lister]
When I saw you for the first time (first time)
My knees began to quiver (quiver)
And I got a funny feeling (feeling)
In my kidneys and my liver (digestive system baby)
My hands they started shakin' (shakin')
My heart began a-thumpin' (boom, boom, boom)
My breakfast left my body (huey, huey, huey)
Now darling tell me somethin.'
Holly: I just don't know where we are. There's no two ways about it: I flamingoed up!
Rimmer: What do you mean?
Holly: It's like a cock-up, only much much bigger.
Rimmer: What color is it supposed to turn?
Lister: Blue for not pregnant, which is the color it's gonna turn.
Rimmer: And red for pregnant?
Lister: Yeah.
Rimmer: [chants]Come on, you re-eds!
Rimmer: It's changing colour!
Lister: What colour?
Rimmer: It is! It's changing colour!
Lister: What colour!?
Rimmer: I's blue for not pregnant, right?
Lister: Yes!
Rimmer: Good news Listy, excellent news!
Lister: Oh, thank god!
Rimmer: I'm going to be an uncle!

[edit] Series III

[edit] Backwards

Lister: Cat.
Cat: Mm?
Lister: Did you ever see the Flintstones?
Cat: Of course.
Lister: Do you think Wilma's sexy?
Cat: Wilma Flintstone?
Lister: Maybe we've been alone in deep space for too long but every time I see that show, her body drives me crazy. Is it just me?
Cat: I think in all probability, Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman who ever lived.
Lister: That's good, I thought I was goin' strange.
Cat: She's incredible!
Lister: What do you think of Betty?
Cat: Betty Rubble? Well, I would go with Betty...but I'd be thinkin' of Wilma.
Lister: This is stupid. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?
Cat: You're right. We're nuts. This is an insane conversation.
Lister: She'll never leave Fred and we know it.
Cat: We ain't gonna find 'em. They're gone, buddy. But look on the bright side — they're gone, buddy!
Cat: Is that what I think it is?
Lister: What do you think it is?
Cat: An orange whirly thing in space!
Lister: It's a time hole. That's where they are. We're going in.
Cat: Are you crazy We can't go in there!
Lister: Why not?
Cat: Orange, with this suit?
Rimmer: [in response to a woman speaking to him backwards] Flob-a-dob blib blob bleeb!
Lister: [on not everything being right in the backwards universe] What about St. Francis of Assisi? In this universe, he's the petty-minded little sadist who goes around maiming small animals! Or Santa Claus? What a bastard!
Rimmer: Eh?
Lister: He's the big fat git who sneaks down chimneys and steals all the kids' favourite toys!

[the hidden message in the club owner's rant]

Club owner: You are a stupid square-headed bald git, aren't you, eh?! I'm not pointing at you, I'm pointing at you. But I'm not actually addressing you, I'm addressing the one prat in the country who's bothered to get hold of this recording, turn it round and work out the rubbish that I'm saying! What a poor, sad life he's got! Frankly, your act's crap anyway, anybody could have done it! I hate the lot of you, bollocks to you!

[edit] Marooned

Holly: Well, the thing about a black hole - its main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, the colour of space, your basic space colour, is black. So how are you supposed to see them?
Rimmer: But five of them? . How can you manage to miss five black holes?
Holly: It's always the way, innit? You hang around for three million years in deep space and there hasn't been one, then all of a sudden five turn up at once.
Rimmer: [While Lister is examining his 19th century toy soldiers] Please be careful with those, they're antiques! How's General Dumuoriez going to look with goat vindaloo all over his tunic?
Lister: It'll make him look more realistic, it'll look like he's got dysentery.
Rimmer: He told me that in a previous incarnation I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.
Lister: You know what? I believe you.
Rimmer: To have lived a life alongside one of the greatest commanders of all time! No wonder the military's in my blood!
Lister: No wonder you're such a good singer!
Rimmer: Mayday, Mayday! I wonder why they call it "Mayday" ? It's only a bank holiday. Why not "Shrove Tuesday", or "Ascension Sunday" ? Ascension Sunday, Ascension Sunday! 2nd Wednesday after Pentecost, 2nd Wednesday after Pentecost!
Rimmer: Twelve?! (pause) You can't have been a full member of the golf club, then.
Lister: Of course I wasn't! It was just a place to go!
Rimmer: You did it (i.e. have sex) on a golf course and you weren't a member?
Lister: It wasn't in the middle of the Ryder Cup or anythin'!
Rimmer: Imagine getting your golf ball stuck in Lister's buttock crevice. You'd need more than a niblick to get that out.
Lister: Are you saying I've got a big bum?
Rimmer: Big? It's like two badly parked Volkswagens.

[edit] Polymorph

Rimmer: Erm, I think we're losing sight of the real issue here, which is: what are we gonna call ourselves? Erm, and I think it comes down to a choice between "The League Against Salivating Monsters" or my own personal preference, which is "The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society." Erm, one drawback with that: the abbreviation is "CLITORIS."
Rimmer: The time for talking is over. Now call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard and we hit it fast, with a major, and I mean major, leaflet campaign.
Polymorph (as Rimmer's Mum): The things this boy can do with alphabetti spaghetti....
Holly: Cool it, Arn...
Rimmer: ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI?!
Rimmer': David, any suggestions?
Lister: Yes, I have actually, Arnold. I vote we go down to weapons storage, get one of the nuclear warheads and strap one to my head! I'll nut the smegger to oblivion!
Rimmer: Well, I can't say I'm totally shocked. You'll bonk anything won't you, Lister?
Lister: I say let's get out there and twat it!
Lister: I'm gonna pull out its windpipe and beat it to death with the tonsil end! I'm gonna stick my fist so far down its throat I'll be able to pull the label off its underpants!

[edit] Bodyswap

Rimmer: Have you ever been in dissection class held up a frog by its head? You know the way its belly sort of sticks out above its spindly little legs? Well, that's the picture I see when you get down from the bunk in the morning.
[Cat and Lister are playing Scrabble.]
Cat: Hey hey hey, I've got you now, buddy! J, O, Z, X, Y, Q, K!
Lister: That's not a word.
Cat: It's a Cat word.
Lister: Jozxyqk?
Cat: That's not how you pronounce it!
Lister: What does it mean?
Cat: It's the sound you make when you get your sexual organs trapped in something.
Lister: Is it in the dictionary?
Cat: Well it could be, if you're reading in the nude and close the book too quick. Jozxyqk!!!
Rimmer: When you're younger you can eat what you like, drink what you like, and still climb into your 26" waist trousers and zip them closed. Then you reach that age, 24-25, your muscles give up, they wave a little white flag, and without any warning at all you're suddenly a fat bastard

[edit] Timeslides

Kryten: "Pub." Ah, yes: a meeting place where people attempt to achieve advanced states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks.
Kryten: [reading Hitler's Diary] Things to do: Stop milk, pay papers, invade Czechoslovakia!
Rimmer: KRYTEN! UNPACK RACHEL AND GET OUT THE PUNCTURE REPAIR KIT!!!

[edit] The Last Day

Rimmer: I used to be in the Samaritans.
Lister: I know. For one morning.
Rimmer: I couldn't take any more.
Lister: I don't blame you. You spoke to five people and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!
Rimmer: Well, it's not my fault everyone chose that day to jump out of buildings! It made the papers, you know. "Lemming Sunday," they called it.
Rimmer: At least he gets 24 hours notice, that's more than most of us get. Most of us get "Mind that bus!" "What bus?" "Splat!"
Kryten: Is it me or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?
Rimmer: Kryten, it's called a hangover, don't panic...
Lister: We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space. Can someone please tell me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?!
Cat: Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!
Rimmer: Now I know mechanoids aren't allowed to harm humans, so I suggest you hop it, me laddo, or you'll see a side of me you shan't much like.
Lister: Whats he gonna do, drop his trousers?
Kryten: He's an android. His brain couldn't handle the concept of there being no silicon heaven.
Lister: So how come yours can?
Kryten: Because I knew something he didn't.
Lister: What?
Kryten: I knew I was lying. No silicon heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the calculators go?

[edit] Series IV

[edit] Camille

Kryten: Has anyone ever told you that the configuration and juxtaposition of your features is extraordinarily apposite?
Camille: Wow, you really know all the lines, don't you?
Kryten: Oh, spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska!

[edit] D.N.A.

Cat: What was it like being a hamster?
Lister: It was better than being a chicken. Have you seen the size of an egg? Seen the size of a chicken's bum? That's what all the clucking was about. I was trying to say in chicken-talk "for God's sake, give me an epidural!"
Kryten: [upon showing Lister a photo of his penis] Well?
Lister: Well what?
Kryten: Well, what do you think?
Lister: I'm not quite with you here, Kryten, what am I supposed to say?
Kryten: I want to know, is that normal?
Lister: What, taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No, it's not!
Kryten: I've been a complete and total polaroid-head.
Lister: Yeah, you've had your head right up your recharge socket.
Lister: Of course, lager! The only thing that can kill a vindaloo!

[edit] Justice

[Lister looks at the stasis pod, while suffering from Space Mumps]
So who is she, Holly?
Holly: Says on the pod, Barbara Bellini
Lister: Barbara Bellini, what a beautiful name. There's no justice, how can this happen to me? Maybe I can wear a turban and pretend I'm from India.
Cat: Maybe you can stick a spike in your head and pretend you're the Taj Mahal!
Kryten: With respect, sir, they're not androids, they're simulants.
Cat: What's the difference?
Kryten: Well, the basic difference is that an android would never rip off a human's head and spit down his neck.
Lister: There must be some way of findin' out. [if the pod contains Barbara Bellini or a rogue simulant]
Holly: There is. (pause) All you've gotta do is hang around here for 24 hours. Then, if you find your limbs scattered across deep space and your neck full of saliva, you can take it as read it probably wasn't Babs.
[Lister takes the witness stand]
Kryten: Name?
Lister: Dave Lister.
Kryten: Occupation?
Lister: [looks bewildered for a moment, then answers] Uh, bum.
Kryten: Sir, would you describe the accused [Rimmer] as a friend?
Cat: Take the Fifth!
Kryten: Sir, please answer the question. Remember you are under polygraphic surveillance: Would you describe the accused as a friend?
Lister: No, I'd describe the accused as a git.
Kryten: And who would you say feels most fondly for him?
Lister: Well, I do.
Kryten: And there are no others who have shared intimate moments with him?
Lister: Only one, but she's got a puncture!
Rimmer: Objection!
Justice: Overruled.
Kryten: I ask the court one key question: would the Space Corps have allowed this man [points at Rimmer] ever to be in a position where he might endanger the ship? A man so petty and small-minded he would while away his evenings sewing name labels on to his ship-issue condoms? A man of such awesome stupidity —
Rimmer: Objection!
Justice: Objection overruled.
Kryten: A man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defense counsel. What an overzealous trumped up little squirt!
Kryten: Who allowed this man, this pathetic man, this man who could not outwit a used teabag, to be in a position where he might endanger the entire crew? Who? Only a yogurt!

[edit] White Hole

[The crew are talking about how to go back to the bridge through closed doors.]
Cat: I've got it. We laser our way through.
Kryten: An excellent plan, with just two drawbacks: One, we don't have a power source for lasers; and Two, we don't have any lasers.
Cat: Come on, man, you gotta sacrifice your life. I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do.
Rimmer: You? You'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew?
Cat: No! I'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew.
Kryten: I know. I had a mechanoid friend once who suffered from the same affliction. His name was Gilbert, but he preferred it if people called him "Rameses Niblick the Third, Kerplunk Kerplunk, Whoops, Where's My Thribble." A sad case.

[edit] Dimension Jump

Ace: Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.
Rimmer: You don't like Reggie Wilson? What? Not even "Pop Goes Delius" or "Funking Up Wagner"?
Lister: I prefer something slightly more melodious, like the long, drawn-out death rattle of a man suffering from terminal flatulence.
Rimmer: [in a scathing tone] I recognize you two. Weren't you two the double action centrefold in July's edition of "Big Boys in Boots"?
Rimmer: Skipper?
Ace: Thought he deserved a nickname, Skipper sounded good.
Rimmer: Ace and Skipper? You sound like a kids TV series about a boy and his bush kangaroo.

[edit] Meltdown

Lister: Whoa, whoa, whoa! They're bringing someone out! They're tying him to the stake.... It's Winnie the Pooh!
Cat: What?
Lister: Winnie the Pooh, I'm being serious! He's refusing the blindfold.... They're lining up in front of him....
[gunshots]
Lister: ....That's something no man should ever have to see...
Cat: What do you think these guys are gonna do to us?
Lister Whatever it takes to find out about the paddle.
Cat: Hey, if you mean torture, then say the word 'torture'. I can take it!
Lister: OK, they may torture us.
Cat: Ohhhhhh, torture...!
Rimmer: What's your name, soldier?
Kryten: His name's Ghandi, sir. Mahatma Ghandi.
Rimmer: Well, get him out of that damn nappy and into a uniform.
Kryten: This is Mr. Noel Coward, sir.
Noel Coward: Delighted to meet you, dear boy.
Rimmer: Shut up!
Cat: Who is this guy?
Lister: Caligula's a famous Roman Emperor. He slept with his mother, both his sisters and ended up eating his son.
Cat: Hey, a little advice, bud. We all feel a little peckish after making love, but most of us settle for pizza.
[Rimmer tells Lister of his great "victory" leading the good droids against the fascist droids.]
Lister: How many survived?
Rimmer: Well, we haven't had time to make a full official estimate. But at a rough guess, and obviously this is subject to alteration pending information updates, roundabout: none of them.
Lister: So you wiped out the entire population of this planet?
Rimmer: You make it sound so negative, Lister. Don't you see? The deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished.
Lister: No it isn't, pal. You're still here!

[edit] Series V

[edit] Holoship

Cat: What, am I the only sane one here? Why don't we drop the defensive shields?
Kryten: A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws. One: we don't have any defensive shields. And two: we don't have any defensive shields. Now I realise that, technically speaking, that's only one flaw; but I thought it was such a big one, it was worth mentioning twice.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smeg pot. Brains in the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing. Genitalia small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest.
Kryten: They've taken Mr. Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer!
Cat: Quick — let's get out of here before they bring him back!

[edit] The Inquisitor

Rimmer: So, Kryten, you've heard of this "Inquisitor"?
Kryten: Only as a myth; a dark fable; a horror tale, told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire, wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror!
Rimmer: A simple "yes" would have sufficed.
Inquisitor Rimmer: Now then: justify yourself.
Rimmer: Well...first, I've -
Inquisitor Rimmer: Liar!
Inquisitor Cat: Justify your existence. What contribution have you made?
Cat: I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass!
Inquisitor Cat: Well, that's true.
Cat: Can I go now?
Inquisitor Cat: ...That's your case?
Cat: You need more?
Inquisitor Cat: Some might say that's a pretty shallow argument.
Cat: Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass!
Inquisitor Kryten: Well, Kryten? Justify yourself.
Kryten: I'm not sure I can.
Inquisitor Kryten: But surely your life is replete with good works? There can be few individuals who have lived a more selfless life.
Kryten: But I am programmed to live unselfishly. And therefore, any good works I do come not out of fine motives, but as a result of a series of binary commands I am compelled to obey.
Inquisitor Kryten: Well, then, how can any mechanical justify himself?
Kryten: Perhaps only if he attempted to break his programming and conduct his life according to a set of values he arrived at independently.
Inquisitor Kryten: Your argument invites deletion.
Kryten: The rules are yours, not mine.
Inquisitor Kryten: In a human, this type of behaviour could be considered "stubborn".
Kryten: But I am not human. And neither are you. And it is not our place to judge them. I wonder why you do.

[edit] Terrorform

Cat: Okay. I say let's get into the jet-powered rocket pants and junior birdman the hell out of here!
Kryten: An excellent and inventive suggestion, sir, with just two tiny drawbacks: a) We don't have any jet-powered rocket pants; and b) there's no such thing as jet-powered rocket pants outside the fictional serial "Robbie Rocket Pants."
Cat: Well, that's put a crimp on an otherwise damn fine plan.
Rimmer: I don't loathe myself. What is there one could possibly loathe about me?
Kryten: Would you like the list, sir?
Rimmer: What list?
Kryten: Well, there was the fact you were despised by your parents for failing to achieve their standards. The fact your three brothers were all such high-flyers in the Space Corps and you ended up servicing chicken soup machines. There's your inability to form long-term relationships with anyone, your cowardliness, your lack of charm, honour or grace and the awful knowledge that throughout your entire life nobody has ever truly liked you because you are so fundamentally unlikeable.
Rimmer: Oh, that.
Kryten: Please don't interrupt, sir, I'm only half-way through my list.

[edit] Quarantine

Lister: We're a real Mickey Mouse operation, aren't we?
Cat: Mickey Mouse? We ain't even Betty Boop!
Lister: Kryten! Are you okay, man?
Kryten: I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column. That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day.
Rimmer: They've been naughty, haven't they, Mr Flibble?
"Mr Flibble": Yes.
Rimmer: What happens to naughty boys who've been naughty, Mr Flibble?
"Mr Flibble": Uncle Arnie fries them alive with his hex vison.

[edit] Demons & Angels

Holly: Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database. Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil. Repeat: This is not a daffodil.
Rimmer: Well, thankfully Holly's unaffected.
Lister: I'll tell you one thing. I've been to a parallel universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets and I've given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle.
Kryten: These are our higher selves. They are who we could have become if all the negative aspects of our characters were removed.
Rimmer: You mean hippies.
Kryten: With respect sir, you think Jesus was a hippie.
Rimmer: Well, he was. He had long hair and he didn't have a job. What more do you want?
Higher Cat: We find clothes to be a distraction from the pursuit of spiritual and intellectual fulfillment.
Cat: Really? I find spiritual and intellectual fulfillment to be a distraction from the pursuit of clothes.

[edit] Back to Reality

Kryten: Question which occurs: if this ocean is supposed to be teeming with new lifeforms, where are they all?
Lister: What are you implying?
Kryten: No implication intended, sir.
Lister: Yes, there is. You're saying there's some huge damn fish out there, aren't yer? Some kinda gigantic weird pre-historic leviathan who's porked his way through this entire ocean.
Kryten: That's one option.
Lister: Any alternatives?
Kryten: None that occur.
Rimmer: This venom — are we safe in here?
Lister: It penetrated the hull of a class D space corps seeding ship. In comparison, we're a sardine tin.
Rimmer: It's coming straight for us.
Lister: There's only three alternatives: it thinks we're either a threat, food or a mate.... It's either gonna kill us, eat us or hump us. Either we persuade him we're not that kinda oceanic salvage vessel, or we scarper pronto.
Cat: To get diddled by a giant squid on a first date? Think how I'd feel in the morning!

[edit] Series VI

[edit] Psirens

Rimmer: There, on the floor... P-S-I-R-E-N-S... "Psirens?"
Kryten: The poor sucker must have written it using a combination of his own blood, and even his own intestines.
Rimmer: But who would do that?
Lister: Someone who BADLY needed a pen.
Cat: What I wanna know is why he went to the trouble of using his own kidney as a full-stop.
Rimmer: I don't think he meant to do that. I think it just... plopped out.
[Starbug is threatened by a giant rogue asteroid that could be a mere illusion.]
Kryten: Suggest we maintain course. That asteroid does not exist.
Rimmer: Suppose you're wrong?
Kryten: Sir, I'll stake my reputation on it.
Rimmer: Kryten, you haven't got a reputation.
Kryten: No, sir, but I'm hoping to acquire one from this escapade.

[edit] Legion

Rimmer: Step up to Red Alert!
Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.
Rimmer: Look, maybe we can reason with it. Open communication channels, Lister. Broadcast on all known frequencies, and in all known languages, including Welsh. This is acting senior officer Arnold J Rimmer of the Jupiter Mining Corporation transport vehicle Star Bug. Now hear this, 'cos it's only coming once: We surrender, totally and without condition. Thank you for listening. Oh, additional: sorry to take up your valuable time. Sorry. Thank you. Sorry. Bye. Bye. Sorry. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[edit] Gunmen of the Apocalypse

Rimmer: Lister, she's a computer sprite. She's just a load of pixels.
Lister: Yeah, but what pixels.
Cat: You're going to go with one of my plans? Are you nuts? What happens if we all get killed? I'll never hear the last of it.
Death: Well, Sheriff, looks like it's just little old you.
Kryten: I'm not afraid, Mr Death, sir. My friends have bought enough time for me to complete the antidote program. So, if you'll forgive the confrontational imperative, go for your guns you scum-sucking molluscs!

[edit] Emohawk: Polymorph II

[First lines of the episode; Rimmer is trying to get the sleeping Lister and Cat to take part in an emergency drill]
Rimmer: SCRAMBLE! SCRAMBLE!
Lister: [sleepily] Yeah, that'll be great with bacon and beans, man.
Cat: Look what it did to me! It's turned me into Duane Dibbley — the Duke of Dork.
[While looking for the Emohawk]
Kryten: According to the psi-scan, it's somewhere in this location.
Lister: It's the barrel! [shoots at the barrel] Sorry. False alarm. That chain, it's moving! [shoots chain] Sorry. Sorry.
Kryten: Sir, try and remain calm. You're experiencing a classic knee-jerk, paranoid reaction to a terror situation. It's essential at this time that we - IT'S THE WALL! [shoots the wall] Shame overload. I... I... I sorry.

[edit] Rimmerworld

Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
Kryten: But, sir, we lost Mr. Rimmer.
Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
Lister: There's got to be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using a rope weaved from strands of this hessian, rig up a kind of a pulley system so that when a guard comes in, using it as a trip wire, gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords, and fight our way back to the 'bug?
Kryten: Or we could use the teleporter.
Lister: Or in a pinch, we could use the teleporter.

[edit] Out of Time

Rimmer: It can't have gone unnoticed that morale is at an all-time low. We've lost all trace of Red Dwarf and supplies are low. So I have decided to appoint myself morale officer and set myself the task of raising morale all round. Now I thought it would productive if we all met once a week and had a coffee or a beer — whatever's your poison — and get any troubles we may have off our chests. Any objections? [the others mutter agreement.] Well, as it's week one, why don't I start? You know what it is about Lister that really makes me want to puke? That really makes me want to stab him in both eyes with an icepick? Everything, that's what. Especially his godawful chirpy gerbil-faced optimism. And as for the Cat — what an unbelievable git. And Kryten — if he doesn't change pronto, I swear I'll attach jump leads to his nipple nuts and fry him like a Cajun catfish. Well, that's cleared the air. I don't know about you, but I certainly feel better. Thank for your contributions gentlemen. See you at next week's morale meeting. Marvellous. [exits]
Lister: Good meeting.
[The Dwarfers acquire a time travel device, testing it out by sending the ship to the year 1421]
Rimmer: Give us visual. Let's see what it's like out there.
Lister: Okay, punching it up.
[They see nothing but empty space]
Lister: Hey, I don't get it! We're still where we were!
Kryten: Of course. We're still in deep space, sir, only now we're in deep space in the 15th century. Isn't it wonderful?
Rimmer: So we're still three million years away from Earth?
[From the last scene not shown in the final cut]
Lister: They aren't margaritas, that's urine recyc!

[edit] Series VII

[edit] Tikka To Ride

Rimmer: Do you think it's because the subspace conduits have locked with the transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has overloaded the time matrix?
Kryten: Ah, no, sir. I've just been jabbing it too hard.
Cat: How come you need more memory? Over the years you've had more RAM than a field of sheep!

[edit] Stoke Me a Clipper

Ace: You can't judge a book by its cover.
Lister: And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine.
Ace: Princess Bonjella? Ace Rimmer. There'll be time for explanations later and, hopefully, some sex.
Lister: Are you my faithful man servant or what?
Kryten: I'm ashamed to be with you sir. I haven't been this embarrassed since I was loosening my adjustment screws, and my entire groinal box dropped into Mr Rimmer's soup.
(New)Ace: Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas.

[edit] Ouroboros

Kryten: [to Lister] It's an obscene phone call, sir. I think it's for you.

[edit] Duct Soup

Lister: To pee or not to pee, that is the question.
Kochanski: How did I end up like this, on a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry?

[edit] Blue

[Lyrics to the The Rimmer Song in The Rimmer Experience:]
He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,
More reliable than a garden strimmer,
He's never been mistaken for Yul Brynner;
He's not bald, and his head doesn't glimmer.
Master of the wit and the repartee,
His command of space directives is uncanny.
How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me!
Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer.
He's also a fantastic swimmer,
And if you play your cards right,
Then he just might come round for dinner.

[edit] Beyond A Joke

Kochanski: Let's at least ask someone who's at least going to give us a slightly more intelligent opinion. Hello, wall! What do you think?
Cat: "Cat do this!" "Cat do that!" What am I? A dog?

[edit] Epideme

[The crew discusses a plan to remove Lister's arm to save his life.]
Lister: Can you explain it to me? Something a bit more confidence-stirring than "Can I hack off your limb?"
Kryten: The plan is to inject antivirals in a precise pattern through your body, forcing epideme into your arm.
Lister: And then you cut it off. Great plan. What choice have I got?... Okay, but make it my left arm, okay. 'Cause my right arm does all my favourite things.
Kryten: I take it we're speaking with the Epideme virus?
Epideme: Give that man an eyebrow! Hey, I'm feeling generous — give him two!
Lister: You absorb knowledge from every person you kill?
Epideme: So you can appreciate killing you ain't exactly a career highlight. No offence, but when you're a virus, there ain't much call for knowing how to open a lager bottle with your anus.

Lister wakes up afer the crew cut off his arm to discover that is right arm has been cut off

Kochanski: Hi. I'm so sorry.
Lister: My left arm I said. Thats my right. What kind of Navigation Officer can't tell left from right?

Kryten and Cat enter

Kryten: Sir, you're awake!
Cat: Buddy you look great! (Puts out hand to shake Lister's before realising he put his right hand out)
Kochanski: (Disgusted by all the corpses on the Leviathan) I've never seen anything like this!
Lister: You weren't around for my last party, were ya?

[edit] Nanarchy

Lister: But does it change anything?
Kochanski: Listen, having only one arm will make no difference to any woman that cares about you.
Lister: What about sex?
Kochanski: Not here, it's too sandy.

[edit] Series VIII

[edit] Back in the Red part 1

Cat: Forget Red — let's go all the way up to Brown Alert!
Kryten: There's no such thing as a Brown Alert, sir.
Cat: You won't be saying that in a minute! And don't say I didn't alert you!
Lister: Hey guys, look at me body.
Cat: Now there is an invitation that will NOT cause a stampede.

[edit] Back in the Red part 2

Captain Hollister: Rimmer, is this salute ever going to end? Do I have time to go for a cup of coffee? Maybe go on vacation?
Rimmer: Nearly finished, sir. This is my very special extra long salute I reserve for the especially important, sir.

[edit] Back in the Red part 3

Rimmer: One day in this lousy, stinking penal colony and I'm cracking up. Everyone's so deranged and brutal, it's frightening. This afternoon I was so depressed I went to see the social worker.
Lister: Was he any help?
Rimmer: Not really; he beat me up. He said I was a whining nancy-boy with girlie white legs, then pummelled me repeatedly with his book, Showing Compassion to Inmates.
Lister: I thought social workers were supposed to be nice?
Rimmer: In the end I was so shell-shocked I went to see the priest and explained everything.
Lister: What did he say?
Rimmer: He said I was a whining baby who was missing his mum. Then he beat me up, too. You can still see the crucifix marks in the back of my head.
Captain Hollister: I also suspect that someone, possibly Lister, has given Rimmer access to the crew's confidential files, and he's using this information to blackmail his way up the chain of command. It's sickening. It's unforgivable. But it's a technique that can work. I should know; I used the same method myself to become captain. If the crew discover I'm really just Dennis the Doughnut Boy, I'm finished.

[edit] Cassandra

Lister: Have you figured a way to get us out of here, Hol?
Holly: I have actually, Dave. I've devoted all my run-time to looking for a loop-hole in the prison regs. I think I've come up with something that means you can serve your entire two-year sentence in just fourteen weeks.
Lister: Ah, Brilliant! What have I got to do?
Holly: Become a dog.
Lister [about their two-year prison sentence]: It's only two years; what, with good behaviour, it'll probably only be eighteen months. Remember when you were first born, then you were eighteen months? The time just flashed past!
Rimmer: It flashed past because you had two breasts big as your head at your beck and call day and night! Give me that now and I wouldn't be whinging.
[Lister has signed up for the Canaries]
Lister: What have I signed up for?
Rimmer: In the 19th century, when miners went down a pit: they'd lower a canary down first, in a little cage. [...] And if the atmosphere was noxious, as it frequently was, guess what the canary did?
Lister: Complained to the Foreman?
Rimmer: It died, Listy! The canary's job was to go into the most dangerous, unpleasant and most smeggy situations and see if it could stay alive. Then they'd know if it was safe to send in the important people. [...] How come you've never heard of the canaries? They've got recruitment posters all over the men's bogs! How come you've not seen them?
Lister: When I'm in the men's toilets in prison, Rimmer, I tend not to look around; d'yknow what I'm saying? It's like playing Golf; I concentrate on my grip, keep my eye on the ball and try not to veer off to the side!
Rimmer: The Canaries! You know what they say it's supposed to stand for? Convict Army, Nearly All Retarded Inbred Evil Sheepshaggers! They haven't got an X chromasone to share between them!
Lister: Smeg. I've signed you up too.
Captain Hollster: [Breifing the Canaries] We've located a ship, the SS Silverberg, buried at the bottom of an ocean moon. A remote probe has come back with no signs of a crew; no bodily remains, no skeletons, zip. we want you guys to go on board and find out why. [...] It's inconcievable a ship like this could be sent out without a crew. So whatever devoured the crew, bones and all, might still be there so... be careful.
Cassandra: All the Canaries will be dead within one hour, except for Rimmer —
Rimmer: YES!
Cassandra: — who will be dead in twenty minutes.
Lister: If the future is all worked out, horoscopes all that stuff . . . It means we're not responsible for any thing we do. It means we're just actors sayings lines in a script written by somebody else. I don't want to believe that. I want to believe I'm in charge of me own life. Me own destiny.

[edit] Krytie TV

[Lister and Rimmer plan to leave after seeing Krytie TV's "Ladies Shower Night," fearing it could damage their appeal]
Rimmer: I want no part of this.
Lister: Me neither.
Rimmer: We've gotta go.
Lister: Right now.
Rimmer: Not a minute to lose.
Lister: I'm dust.
Rimmer: Me too. After two. One, two, go!
[They still sit there, moving their heads sideways, while watching the feature.]
Kryten: First, we sabotage the date.
Lister: What, "we"? You mean you're gonna help me?
Kryten: Step on board the "love express," sir! Now, we get to his quarters through the air vents; I've paid off the guards. Then you make him look like the nerdiest slob in the entire universe. This is what you leave in his quarters. A half-eaten onion sandwich. That's always a passion-killer.
Lister: Is it? I like those.
Kryten: Then there's this: "Morris Dancer Monthly." What a total dweebo nerdmeister he'll look with those!
Rimmer: They're mine!
Kryten: And then there's these: tragically unfashionable underpants.
Rimmer: [exasperated] They're mine!
Kryten: And finally: Christian rock music. It that doesn't scare her off, nothing will.
Rimmer: Have you been going through my things?

[edit] Pete part 1

Lister: I was trying to get a sick note, but the doc thought I was faking and didn't accept it was possible to get athlete's hand.

[edit] Pete part 2

Lister: Hol: need some advice, mate. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in its stomach. What's your take on the situation?
Holly: What do you want — the long or the short version?
Lister: Oh. Long.
Holly: You're finished.
Cat: What's the short version?
Holly: Bye.
Both Birdman and Pete have been restored to their former selves
Rimmer: Now, destroy the time wand.
Lister: This machine's priceless!
Rimmer: Destroy it.
[Lister destroys the time wand. Moments later, a giant dinosaur egg is discovered behind a corner.]
Lister: Wh-what do we do now??
Rimmer: Now...rebuild...the time wand! It's absolutely priceless!

[edit] Only the Good

Death: Arnold Judas Rimmer, your life is over. Come with me. You will travel to the River Styx, where you will place a coin and —
Rimmer: Not today, matey. [knees Death in the groin] Remember, only the good die young.
Death: [gasping] That's never happened to me before.
Rimmer: Why don't you smegging well smeg off, you annoying little smeggy smegging smegger?

Rimmer is trying to identify a chemical in the mirror universe

Rimmer: Can you tell me what this is?
Mirror Cat: (smells it) It's an alkali.
Rimmer: Oh yes, what's it called?
Mirror Cat: Cesiumfrancolithicmyxialobidiumrixidixidoxidexidroxhide. You look surprised?
Rimmer: I never thought I'd ever hear you say that. Can you write it down for me?
Mirror Cat: Certainly. (To Mirror Kochanski) Could I have an extremely long piece of paper, my dear?

[edit] Back to Earth

[edit] Part One

Cat: I'm walking through the cargo deck, right? Minding my own damn business. When all of a sudden, you know that big tank on G deck?
Lister: He means the water tank.
Cat: Suddenly there is a disturbance on the surface of the tank and this massive testicle shoots out of the water and grabs me by the throat.
Lister: He means tentacle.
Rimmer: I hope so.
Lister: You were supposed to be manning the sonar, Rimmer! You could have gotten us all killed!
Rimmer: Is this about you again? It is, isn't it? Can't you see right now I need some me time? My heart is still hammering. I don't know how I got through that.
Lister: You wasn't even there!
Rimmer: I was nearly there. That's close enough for me.

[edit] Part Two

Katerina: Something is not right! It's saying we don't exist! How can this be possible? "Taking to nearest valid reality". Makes no sense at all.
Katerina: You think you outsmart me, yes? But you don't, I here. Cut a second hole.
Rimmer: Science officer, excellent. So pleased you've caught up with us.
Katerina: You gave me slip, I know. You not want to be erased. But you won't defeat me, I too smart.
Rimmer: Erase me? I thought it was murder to kill a hologram.
Katerina: No, hologram already dead. Morally, ethically, hologram killing fine!
Rimmer: Fair enough. [Rimmer suddenly pushes her into oncoming traffic, and her image shorts out] Come on, we haven't got all day.
Kryten: She didn't see that coming did she. I did.

[edit] Part Three

Cat: Whats going to happen to everybody in the reality we left? The guys all watching us on T.V?
Kryten: Well, they will continue to exist as a consequence of us creating them in our hallucination, sir. Its quantum mechanics, every decision that is made creates a new universe, as do all dreams and hallucinations, its multi-verse 1.0.1.
Rimmer: But those sad suckers will live out the rest of their lives convinced they're the real ones and we are characters from a T.V show.
Lister: And you know if you tell them the truth, you know what they would probably do?
Rimmer: Laugh.
Lister: Yeah. [They all snigger] They probably would.

[edit] Novels

[edit] Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers

Rimmer: Oh, great. Not only am I dead, I don't exist, either! Thanks a lot, God!
0.57 seconds before he expired, Rimmer realised he was going to die. His life didn't flash before his eyes. He didn't think of his parents, or his brothers, or his home. He didn't think of the failed exams or the wasted time in the stasis booths. He didn't even think of his one brief affair with Yvonne McGruder, the ship's female boxing champion.
What he did think of was a bowl of soup. A bowl of gazpacho soup.
Then he died.
Then everyone died.
Kryten was teriffic. A real godsend. Provided all you needed was a plateful of triangular-shaped cucumber sandwiches with the crust removed and a pot of lemon tea. If, on the other hand, you needed someone to scrape uranium ore free of waste and pack it into sealed cases, all you got was another plateful of cucumber sandwiches and a second pot of lemon tea.

[edit] Better Than Life

Rimmer: Spaghettification. Let me guess. I can see only two options: one -- due to the bizarre effects of the intense gravitational pull, and because we're entering a region of time and space where the laws of physics no longer apply, we all of us inexplicably develop an irresistible urge to consume vast amounts of a certain wheat-based Italian noodle conventionally served with Parmesan cheese; or two -- we, the crew, get turned into spaghetti. I have a feeling we can eliminate option one.

[edit] Last Human

GELF Leader: Yep [Lister's other self killed everyone], even me I'm afraid.

[edit] Backwards

Rimmer: .If he once again refers to me as a fruit or a vegetable, I'll take that welding torch and set his poufy fringe on fire.
Pizzak'Rapp: I am Piece of Crap, welcome to... hell.

[edit] Cast

[edit] External links

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