How I Met Your Mother

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How I Met Your Mother (20052014) is an American sitcom, which aired Mondays at 8:00 pm on CBS. The series is narrated through flashbacks from the future, in which an older version of the main character, Ted Mosby, tells his two children the story of how he met their mother with the help of his best friend, Marshall Eriksen, Marshall's wife Lily Aldrin, and their two friends Barney Stinson and Robin Scherbatsky.

Contents

Season 1[edit]

Pilot [1.01][edit]

[First scene of the series, in 2030]
Future Ted: Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story, the story of how I met your mother.
Ted's Son: Are we being punished or something?
Future Ted: No.
Ted's Daughter: Dad, is this gonna take a while?
Future Ted: Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other life…

[Ted just saw Robin]
Future Ted: It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday."
Ted: Hey Barney, see that girl?
Barney: Oh yeeeahh, you just KNOW she likes it dirty. Go say 'Hi'.

Purple Giraffe [1.02][edit]

Lily: Hey. I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring. My beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like... my shirt. Kinda don't wanna wear my shirt anymore. Or my underwear. Oh, that's right, I'm not wearing any.
Marshall: [stops working and looks at Lily] No underwear?
Lily: Not even slightly.
[Camera pans to show Ted is in the room]
Ted: Guys... BOUNDARIES!

[Robin discovers why Ted threw three straight parties in as many nights]
Ted: Robin, look I didn’t invite you to this party to set you up with Carlos. Or the one before that. Or the one before that. [Robin smiles] I threw these parties because I wanted to see you.
Robin: Well, here I am.
Ted: There’s something here, look, unless I’m crazy.
Robin: You’re not crazy. I—I don’t know, Ted, I mean we barely know each other and you’re looking at me with that look and it’s like—
Ted: Like what?
Robin: Like—let’s fall in love, and get married and have kids and drive them to soccer practice.
Ted: I’m not gonna force sports on them unless they’re interested.
Robin: [laughs] It’s a great look. But you’re looking at the wrong girl.
Ted: No, I’m not.
Robin: Yes, you are. I don’t wanna get married right now, maybe ever and if we got together I’d feel like I’d either have to marry you or break your heart and—I just couldn’t do either of those things. Just like you can’t turn off the way you feel.
Ted: [reaches in jacket] Click. Off. Let’s make out.
Robin: [laughs] What?
Ted: What? That was the off switch! And I turned it off. I mean sure yes, I wanna fall in love get married blah, blah, blah, but—on the other hand - you, me, the roof.
Robin: There’s no off switch.
Ted: There is an off switch… and it’s off.
Robin: [smiling] no, it’s not.
Ted: [silence] yes, it is. [draws closer to Ted]
Robin: No …it’s—not.
Ted: Yes—it is [long kiss with Robin] No it’s not. You’re right, there’s no off switch. God I wish there was an off switch!

Sweet Taste of Liberty [1.03][edit]

Ted: The truth is: My friend, he does this thing where he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls and we followed some here to Philadelphia. That's it, that's all this is!
Airport Security Guard: Nobody's that lame.
Ted: Yes, he's that lame. [to Barney] Tell him you're that lame.
Barney: ...we are international businessmen!

Barney: [at a party] Do you ever go behind the rope and touch it?
Employee at Liberty Bell Site: Only all the time.
Barney: Do you ever like, stick your head inside it?
Employee: Yeah.
Barney: Have you ever licked it?
Employee: Nope...I have never licked it.
Barney: I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay it would be - what's the word?
Ted: I'm leaving.
Barney: Legendary!

Return of the Shirt [1.04][edit]

Barney: Booger.
Ted: Yes, hello Barney.
Robin: Barney's offering me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.
Barney: Not some stupid word. Booger.
Robin: But I am not doing it. I am a journalist.
Barney: What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys. That's not journalism. That's just things in a diaper.
Robin: For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to... the City Hall beat.
Lily: City Hall! Miss Thang!
Robin: So, I'm not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying "booger" for 50 bucks.
Barney: Of course not. Because now you're saying "nipple", and it's a hundred. [motions with finger] Step into my web.

[Ted just told Natalie that he wants to break up with her...again]
Natalie: [after throwing a handful of spaghetti at him] I'm NOT THE ONE FOR YOU!?
Ted: I-I'm sorry. I thought that was the mature thing to do, I...
Natalie: It's my birthday!
Ted: Yes, I know it's just...
Natalie: It's my birthday, and you're telling me I'm not the one for you?
Ted: It's no big deal. It's not like you lost the lottery--
Natalie: Oh, so dating you's like winning the lottery? [Ted stammers] So what's the problem?
Ted: I can't explain.
Natalie: Try!
Ted: Well, it's just ineffable.
Natalie: Oh, so I'm not 'F-able'?
Ted: No, no, no, ineffable means it can't be explained.
Natalie: So I'm stupid?
Ted: What's going on?
Natalie: What's going on is, you broke my heart over my answering machine on my birthday. Waited three years for me to get over you, tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again, only so you could dump me three years later, again on my birthday!
Ted: No no, it's not like that...it's just...it's just-
Natalie: WHAT!?
Ted: I'm just like super busy right now.
Future Ted: Remember when Natalie said...
Natalie: [in flashback, at the bar] I got a Krav Maga class in about half an hour.
Future Ted: It turns out that Krav Maga is not a form of yoga. It's a form of guerrilla street fighting developed by the Israeli Army.
[Natalie proceeds to beat up Ted]

Okay Awesome [1.05][edit]

Barney: Ted, get your coat, we're leaving.
Ted: What happened to that, uh, cutlet you were grinding with?
Barney: That was my cousin Leslie!
Ted: What!? [begins to laugh]
Barney: No, no, no. We are not laughing about this, Ted. This is not gonna be some funny story that we're gonna be telling in a couple of months. It's not gonna be like "Remember that time when you were grinding with-" NO. And do you know why? Because, italics, [Barney holds his hands up and slants them to an angle] this night did not happen.

Lily: Hey.
Robin: Hey.
Lily: Marshall just ditched out on our own party. Could you get me in there? I kinda need to kill him.
Robin: Actually I can't even get myself in. I was such a dork. I get recognized one time and I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts. I'm no VIP, I'm not even an IP; I'm just a lonely little P sitting out here in the gutter.
Lily: You know something, I'd take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day. ... I think I know how to get us in. Follow my lead. [walks to the front of the line and flashes the bouncer]

Slutty Pumpkin [1.06][edit]

Lily: Nobody remembers what the hell a hanging chad is.
Marshall: What a sad commentary on our national attention span, that we could forget such a turbulent time in our political history.
Lily: [As parrot] Sad commentary! Rrrawk! All right, Polly gotta pee!
Marshall: Again?
[Marshall follows Lily to the bathroom]
Ted: Where are you going?
Marshall: It's... an elaborate costume.

Robin: How do you do this Ted? How do you sit out here all night, in the cold, and still have faith that your pumpkin's going to show up?
Ted: Well, I'm pretty drunk. Look I know the odds are, the love of my life isn't going to magically walk through that door in a pumpkin costume at 2:43 in the morning. But it just seems as nice a spot as any to just, you know, sit and wait.

Matchmaker [1.07][edit]

Lily: Just play cool, don't Ted-out about it.
Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb?
Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. "Ted-out": to overthink. Also see "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to overthink with disastrous results. Sample sentence: "Billy Tedded-up when he tried-"
Ted: Okay... I get it!

Robin: So what was it, a cockroach or a mouse?
Lily: It was a cockamouse!
Robin: What?
Lily: It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know...
Barney: Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?

The Duel [1.08][edit]

[Flashback]
Marshall: So when Lily and I get married... who's gonna get the apartment?
Ted: Wow... that's a tough one. Y'know who I think could handle a problem like that?
Marshall: Who?
Ted: Future Ted & Future Marshall.
Marshall: Totally. Let's let those guys handle it.
[Present Day]
Ted: Dammit, Past Ted!

[Lily confronts Ted and Marshall at the hospital over their sword fight]
Lily: On Monday I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance ran me through with a freakin' broadsword!
Marshall: Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.
Lily: I'm sorry, is this a discussion about the degree to which you stabbed me?

Belly Full of Turkey [1.09][edit]

Robin: I'm Canadian, remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.
Ted: Oh right I forgot. You guys are weird and you pronounce the word 'out', 'oot'.
Robin: You guys are the world's leader in hand gun violence; your health care system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.
Ted: [beat] ...your cops are called 'mounties'.

Ted: Barney.
Barney: Yeah, what's up?
Ted: You have a time sheet? No one else does.
Barney: Yeah, so? [Ted steals paper] Hey! That's my private personal business!
Ted: "Court Mandated Community Service"??
Robin: Oh my god, you're on probation? What did you do?
Barney: That's my private personal business!
[flashback to Barney running away after peeing on a wall.]
Barney: I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church!
Ted: You peed on a church?
Barney: I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see because I was drunk!
Ted: You are evil!
Robin: All is right with the world again.

The Pineapple Incident [1.10][edit]

Marshall: You okay?
Ted: Sure. Why?
Marshall: Ah... I don't know. Girl of your dreams... dating a billionaire.
Ted: Okay, first of all, hundred-millionaire. And second, she's not the girl of my dreams, we're just friends. Look, it would not be smart if we got together. I..I mean, I'm looking to settle down, she's looking for a.... [Barney starts snoring]
Barney: Wha...? You done? Great. Check out table number four. See that little hottie on the end? She's short, but has an ample bosom. I love it! She's like half boob. [whispers to Ted] Let's go.
Ted: Yeah, and say what? What's our big opening line?
Barney: It was, uh... 'Daddy's home.'
Ted: Daddy's home?
Barney: Yeah!
Ted: Okay, you... you want us to go over there, right now, and say to those girls, 'Daddy's home.' Really think about that, Barney.
Barney: Hmm... yeah, I think it's pretty solid.

Ted: Why do they call it karaoke anyhow? Was it invented by a woman named Karey Okee? These are the kind of things I think about.

The Limo [1.11][edit]

Marshall: Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs... It's like we're the president.

Ted: You're not... Moby, are you?
Not Moby/Erik: Who?
Robin: The recording artist, Moby.
Not Moby/Erik: Oh, no.
Barney: Then why, when we said "Hey, Moby" did you come over here?
Not Moby/Erick: Oh, I thought you said Tony.
Ted: So your name's Tony?
Not Moby/Erick: No.

The Wedding [1.12][edit]

[Marshall and Lily argue about their plans for an ideal wedding]
Marshall: Ok, I'm just saying that it's my wedding too and I should have a say in it.
Lily: But I'm the bride. So, I win.
Marshall: But I thought marriage is about two equal partners, sharing a life together.
Lily: Right, but I'm the bride. So, I win.

[Lily takes Barney aside at MacLaren's after she sees him trying to seduce Claudia, who just called off the wedding with Stuart]
Lily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes!
Barney: Wait, my eyes or my testicles?
Lily: [thinks about it] One of each!

Drumroll, Please [1.13][edit]

Lily: [to Ted as he walks out of his bedroom] Hey, where the hell did you disappear to last night?
Ted: I had the most... amazing night ever.
Marshall: Tell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like "Hey bro, I don't know what you're eating cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down Gullet Alley."
Lily: Yeah, I know, my stomach was like "Girlfriend, we don't always get along but that cake..."

Victoria: Why don't we just... dance. And have a great time. And when it's over, never see each other again.
Ted: Unless-
Victoria: No. No unless. No e-mails, no phone numbers, not even names. Tonight, we'll make a memory that will never be tarnished. Then, when we're old and gray, we'll look back on this moment... and it'll be perfect.
Ted: Wow... Okay I'm in.
Victoria: [enthusiastically] Okay!
Ted: I guess, uh, what, we'll need fake names?
Victoria: Um... you can call me Buttercup. [Ted and "Buttercup" shake hands]
Ted: Pleased to meet you, Buttercup. I'm... Lando Calrissian. [Victoria laughs] Wow, this is kind of exciting. Our names will forever be shrouded in-
Barney: [with bridesmaid on his arm] Hey Ted, Ted, Ted, look! I got a bridesmaid! Ted Ted look, Ted! The second hottest bridesmaid! Ted, look! See you Ted.
Ted: [to Victoria] So I'm Ted.
Victoria: Victoria.

Zip, Zip, Zip [1.14][edit]

Marshall: [to Ted] Two days straight?
Lily: Wow, your room must smell like a monkey cage.

Barney: [in the laser tag arena] Don't be a hero, Scherbatsky!
Robin: See you on the other side.
Both: [Charging] Yaahhhhh!
[Both got shot]
Barney: Damn! ...You wanna get a soft pretzel?
Robin: Yeah.

Game Night [1.15][edit]

Victoria: I've only had two boyfriends before Ted.
Robin: Prude alert!
Victoria: Well, two serious ones. I’ve dated others in between.
Robin: Slut alert!

Victoria: I will tell you my most humiliating story.
Marshall: Yeah, Victoria! Way to step up.
Victoria: OK, it involves a game of "Truth or Dare", a squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparent's retirement community.
Future Ted: Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but there's no way in hell I'm telling you this one. Don't worry, it wasn't that great.
Marshall: [staring goggle-eyed at Victoria] That... is the greatest story... ever!
Lily: Oh my God!

Cupcake [1.16][edit]

Lily: [Trying on wedding dresses] Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.

Ted: Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.

Life Among the Gorillas [1.17][edit]

Bilson: Nice tie! Steak sauce!
Office Jerk: Ohhhhhhh, steakkk sauce!
[Marshall looks for a stain on his tie]
Barney: Marshall, sidebar. Your tie is steak sauce. A1? Get it? Try to keep up.
Bilson: Ok, Eriksen, let's get to work. It’s 2am and its raining outside, ding dong what? The Doorbell? Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trenchcoat and nothing else, but wait, knock knock, somebody is at the back door.
Marshall: I don’t have a back door.
Bilson: Oh my gosh, Jessica Simpson, what a surprise. Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one, what do you do? Go!
Marshall: Right, well, I’m engaged.
Office Jerk: Fiancee is out of town, what do you do? Go!
Marshall: We’re still engaged.
Bilson: Ok, fiancée is dead, hit by a bus, what do you do, GO!

Marshall: I want to give you the package.
Lily: The package? You’ve already given me the package. You’ve got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.
Marshall: Lily, you are the most incredible woman I know. You deserve a big package.
Lily: Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this Marshall Eriksen, but you’ve got a huge package!
[Marshall turns around to see a hot girl nearby eyeing him and smiling fiendishly]

Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M. [1.18][edit]

Little girl: Do you have a fiancé?
Lily: Marshall was here yesterday, they just learned the word fiancé.
Robin: Oh no, I don’t have a fiancé.
Little girl: Then who do you live with?
Robin: Well, actually, I’ve got five dogs.
Little girl: Don’t you get lonely?
Robin: No, I’ve got five dogs.
Little girl: My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely.
Robin: Well, yeah, that’s cats, I’m not some pathetic cat lady, not that your grandmother is some pathetic cat lady – does anybody else have questions?
Little boy: Are you a lesbian?
Robin: NO, ARE YOU? Jeez. [mumbles] Every woman that lives alone is not a lesbian.

Sandy Rivers: [to Robin] We should have sex.
Robin: What?
Rivers: Why not? We’re both available, we’re both attractive, we’re both good at it. At least I’m good at it, and even if you’re not, don’t worry. I’ll have a good time either way.
Robin: Well, moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard, I don’t get involved with people I work with.
Rivers: Get involved? Who said get involved? I'm just saying we should have sex. Having sex is fun! [he gives her his card and their news show starts] Phone number, call me anytime. [reads teleprompter] A lot of teams in action tonight...

Mary the Paralegal [1.19][edit]

Barney: [To Ted] Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, it’s the world’s oldest profession.
Marshall: Do you really think that’s true?
Barney: Oh yeah, I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers an extra fish for putting out.
Marshall: Ah ha, so the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! You’ve been lawyered!

Ted: Mary, I'm not going to have sex with a prostitute.
Mary: No Ted, I'm a paralegal.
Ted: You're a hooker.
Mary: No, I'm a paralegal.
Ted: No, you're a hooker.
Mary: No, I'm a paralegal.
Ted: [pause] You're a paralegal.

Best Prom Ever [1.20][edit]

[Lily is freaking out because a New Jersey high school that has The 88 for a prom band wouldn't let them in. She thinks Barney's ideas of sneaking in may the only way to see the band.]
Ted: You're getting on board with Barney's idea. Man, you really have snapped!
Lily: It's nine weeks 'til the wedding. I'd say "yes" to just about anything.
Barney: [saunters to Lily] Well...
Lily: No, Barney.

Robin: [She and Lily come out in fancy dresses] All right, what do you think?
Barney: [Looks up] Horrible.
Lily: You're gonna make such a great dad.
Barney: You look so classy and nice, you're gonna stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days, with the Ashlee and the Lindsay and the Paris? They all dress like strippers. It's, "Go ho or go home."

Milk [1.21][edit]

Wendy the Waitress: Be careful, the plate is very hot!
Ted: Oh go on, touch it.
Lily: [touches the plate] Ahh! Sweet damn, that’s a hot plate!

[Lily admits to Ted about the arts program and how it could derail her and Marshall's wedding]
Lily: There are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it is a mistake is to make that mistake and look back and say, "Yup, that was a mistake". So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you'll go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not. And damn it, I made no mistakes. I've done all of this: my life, my relationship, my career mistakes-free. Does any of this make sense to you?
Ted: I don't know, you said 'mistake' a lot.

Come On [1.22][edit]

[Ted and Barney are in a library trying to recruit Barney's friend Penelope for a rain dance]
Penelope: Why the hell should I help you?
Barney: Come on, I know it didn't work out between us, but we did have a relationship.
Penelope: We had sex in your car twice and then you dumped me. How is that a relationship?
Barney: Twice!
Penelope: [loudly] Barney, there is no way I'm- [student shushes her]
Barney: Seriously, come on.
Ted: Penelope, I really need to make it rain this weekend.
Penelope: Why?
Ted: There's this girl-
Penelope: Oh, there's this girl! You know the traditional rain dance is a sacred prayer to nature. I don't think the great spirit looks too kindly on white dudes who co-opt it to get laid.
Ted: But this is the girl I love! If it doesn't rain this weekend, she's gonna end up with the wrong guy!
Penelope: This wrong guy. Is he a huge jackass?
Ted: Absolutely.
Penelope: Kinda like Barney?
Ted: Kinda.
Barney: Hey!
Penelope: You hit on my mom!
Barney: We weren't exclusive!
Penelope: [To Ted] I'm in.

[Ted goes to Robin's apartment after the rains begin]
Ted: Robin! Hey! Robin! Oh, thank God you're here!
Robin: My camping trip got rained out!
Ted: I know, I'm sorry.
Robin: It's all your fault?
Ted: Yeah, it is. Come down here.
Robin: It's pouring! You come up!
Ted: No, you have to come down here!
Robin: Why?
Ted: Why? Because I MADE IT RAIN! That's what I did today! And that's enough! I..I've done my part, now get down here!
Robin: I'm not dressed, Ted! Now come up!
Ted: I'm not coming up there, Robin. I'm not. You have to come down here!
[Robin contemplates going outside, looks at the blue French horn Ted gave her, and decides to go outside. She opens her door to find Ted.]
Robin: I was gonna...
Ted: I know. [Ted and Robin kiss]

Season 2[edit]

Where Were We? [2.1][edit]

[Marshall and Lily talk about Lily's program in San Francisco]
Marshall: So that's it? We're breaking up?
Lily: Marshall, I'm sorry. I just, I just need to go to San Francisco and do this art program and-and figure out who I am outside of us, and the only way I can do that is if...if we don't talk for a while.
Marshall: For a while. Try never, okay? You walk out of that door, and we're done. You're never going to hear my voice again! [segue to Marshall talking to Ted] I should call her.
Ted: No, no, if you call her when she asks you not to, you're just gonna look weak and you're gonna regret it. Whenever you feel like calling her, you come find me first... and I will punch you in the face.
Marshall: You're a good friend, Ted.

[Robin complains about Marshall's depression after Lily leaves him.]
Robin: This has to stop! Ted, we just started dating. We agreed we don't want to move too fast, and somehow, we have a baby. He can't feed himself, he cries a lot, he keeps us up all night.
Barney: Have you tried breast feeding? Nailed it!

The Scorpion and the Toad [2.2][edit]

Ted: Five bucks says she still wants Marshall.
Robin: You're on.
Ted: Five American bucks.
Robin: Damn it!

Future Ted: The thing about a hangover is that everyone has their own special remedy.
Waiter: Morning, guys! What can I getcha?
Lily: Shhhhh..... bring me the dirtiest, greasiest Tuna Melt you got. And a milkshake.
Waiter: For you, sir?
Ted: Uggh.... gravy.
Waiter: Do you want that gravy on something?
Ted: ...Surprise me.
Robin: I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here, heehee! Just kidding, I'm good!
Lily: What are you so chirpy about?
Ted: She's still drunk from last night.
Robin: I don't think so! [looks around, then shakes her chest] WOOOO!

Brunch [2.3][edit]

Robin: I'm a genetic goldmine! No family history of diabetes or heart disease, and everyone has non-porous teeth and perfect eyesight. I had one schizophrenic uncle, but even he had perfect vision... which was unfortunate for the people around the bell tower he was in.

[Barney is taking Ted's father to MacLaren's]
Ted's mother: I'd join you, too, but I want to get up early for mass tomorrow.
Barney: St. Peter's, 8:45 AM. It's my favorite service.
Ted: Wait a minute. You're able to cross the threshold of a church?

Ted Mosby: Architect [2.4][edit]

Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There is no one hotter than God.
Ted: I love it when you quote Scripture.

Kara: [talking about Lily] You should sue her.
Brad: Oh, yeah? On what grounds, Kara?
Kara: On the grounds of... shut up! [She drinks from a beer bong and then spits alcohol everywhere.]
Future Ted: That's our Attorney General.

World's Greatest Couple [2.5][edit]

Ted: Okay, we HAVE to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon.
Robin: I'd offer her my place, but I have dogs and she's allergic.
Ted: Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's more allergic to that.
Robin: What about your place, Barney? I know it's shrouded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch.
Barney: The Fortress of Barnitude? No way.
Robin: Oh come on. She's desperate.
Barney: Mmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, but pass.

Lily: Why would I want to change anything? This place is great, except you don't have a TV.
Barney: [Points to wall] See that wall? [Turns on TV] 300 inch flatscreen! They only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong!
Lily: It hurts my eyes...
Barney: Yeah, that doesn't go away.

Aldrin Justice [2.6][edit]

Lily: [about Ted's boss, who has designed a building resembling a penis] I can't believe how Mr Druthers treats people, and that building? Talk about overcompensating.
Ted: He's not usually this bad. It's just that his partners have made it clear that this project is make or break for us, so lately, he's been testy. [Lily and Robin smirk] You know what I mean, crotchety. [Lily and Robin begin to laugh] I'm just saying, it's been hard on him. [Lily and Robin laugh harder] All right, stop.
Robin: Did you show Lily your design?
Ted: No.
Lily: What design?
Ted: It's nothing.
Robin: It's fantastic. Just for fun, Ted's been working on his own design, and it doesn't look at all like male genitalia...at least, not healthy male genitalia.
Lily: You should pitch your building to Druthers.
Ted: Are you kidding? He's Hammond Druthers! He's a legend — I'm just part of his team. This building is huge for the firm, so it's important that we don't blow it. [Lily and Robin collapse laughing] All right, enough!

[Barney's in the hospital after trying to sexually satisfy Marshall's law professor]
Professor Lewis: Mr Eriksen, hello. I graded your paper tonight. I was...[looks at Barney] pleasantly surprised.
Barney: [smugly] Yeah she was.
Lewis: [to Marshall, before leaving] B-plus.
Barney: [flustered] B-plus?!? Marshall, after I've gone though my eight weeks of physical therapy, I'm going to get you that A!
Marshall: Let her go. She belongs out there...in the wild. You should be proud. You fought the cougar and lived.
Barney: It was a memorable safari. I can't wait to show you the slides [smiles]

Swarley [2.7][edit]

Ted: So I guess that decides it.
Marshall: Yep.
Barney: Hanging out at a coffee place: not nearly as much fun as hanging out at a bar.
Ted: [Looks at Marshall's cup] Hey, what's that?
Marshall: What?
Ted: That cute coffee girl wrote a heart by your name! [in a sing-song voice] Somebody has a crush on you!
Barney: [in a sing-song voice as well] Somebody thinks you're me!
Marshall: Well, what if the heart doesn't mean anything? What if she writes them on all the cups?
Ted: Mine says "Ted", no heart.
Barney: Mine says... "Swarley"... How'd they get "Swarley" from "Barney"? It's not even a name. Who would ever be called "Swarley"?...[sees Marshall and Ted smile] Oh, please don't start calling me "Swarley"... This would never happen at a bar! [leaves the coffee shop]
Ted: Man! What's up with Swarley?
Marshall: I know. You almost never see old Swarlz get that upset.
Ted: Psssh.

[Barney enters MacLaren's, then suddenly]
Bar Crowd: SWARLEY!!! [Carl the bartender plays Where Everybody Knows Your Name]

Atlantic City [2.8][edit]

Marshall: Hi, we need a marriage license but we need to skip the waiting period because we're in love.
Clerk: Aaww..I'm gonna waive this waiting period right now!
Lily: Really!?
Clerk: Is what I would say if I could waive the waiting period but unfortunately only a judge can do that.
Lily: Oh, so can we see a judge?
Clerk: Absolutely!
Lily: Really?
Clerk: Is what I would say if there was any chance of you seeing a judge today, which there isn't.
Marshall: [clenched teeth] Why are you doing this to us?
Clerk: Because you're on CANDID CAMERA!
Robin: Really?
Clerk: Is what I would say--
Marshall: You know what? We get it.

Barney: If there was any shame in a dude getting a pedicure I don't think there would've been a feature about it in Details magazine.

Slap Bet [2.9][edit]

Ted: Wha...I don't get it! Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls?
Barney: Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal "Ohhh..." moment.
Marshall: The "Ohhh..." moment?
Barney: Yeah. That moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal-breaker.
[Flashback to Barney with different girls]
Girl #1: It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married.
Barney: Ohhhh.....
Girl #2: I don't have an eating disorder, it's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out!
Barney: Ohhhh.....
Girl #3: I just turned 30.
Barney: Ohhhhhh.....
[back to present]
Barney: So trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible
Ted: Hmm...I disagree. If there's some potential "Ohhh...." moment, I wanna know about it right away. I mean, what's the alternative?
[flash to Robin and Ted at the altar]
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife.
Ted: I love you.
Robin: I used to be a dude.

[The gang watches 'Let's Go to the Mall']
Lily: This is the most amazing thing I have ever seen!!
Marshall: That's YOU?
Robin: Yes. I had one minor hit. I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls. For a whole year I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzel's Pretzels.

Single Stamina [2.10][edit]

Barney: [to James] Oh man, I am so excited that you're here! It has been forever since I have been around anyone even remotely fun! [to Ted, Marshall, Lily, and Robin] Huh... yes offense.
James: You are young attractive people here in the greatest city on earth. There are boys and girls in Nobody Cares, Wyoming wishing they could be here.

Barney: OK, here's my thing - if gay guys start getting married, then suddenly the whole world's gonna be doing it. That's how it works: they start something, then six months later, everyone follows. Like... now everyone gets manicures.
Ted: Yeah... I don't get manicures.
Barney: OK, then, like, how... like getting your chest waxed.
Lily: [gasping] Oh! You get your chest waxed?
Barney: [annoyed] You know what I mean! Gay marriage is going to cause single life as we know it to die out. Think of how the American family will be strengthened!

How Lily Stole Christmas [2.11][edit]

[Flashback.]
Ted: I'm sorry, but i'm not apologizing! Look-I was just trying to put the guy back together. You smashed him to pieces!
Lily: Are you seriously not going to apologize for leaving that message?!
Ted: NO!
Lily: Why not?!
Ted: BECAUSE, Lily, this summer you were KIND OF A GRINCH!
Robin and Barney [present]: Oooooooohhhhhhh.
Lily [flashback]: [coldly] You'll be sorry, Ted Mosby.
[Present, at MacLaren's.]
Barney: Ted Vivian Mosby!
Ted: That's not my middle name.
Barney: You kiss your mother with that mouth?!
Ted: Like you've never said that word.
Barney: I don't kiss your mother with my mouth. Yet...
[Barney sneezes]
Ted: Are you sick?
Barney: Is it sick to find maturity and experience sexy?
Ted: No, I meant do you have a cold?
Barney: I'm fine. [blows his nose; Ted and Robin look at him] I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out. If you'll excuse me, holiday is the time when people are lonely and desperate. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

[At Lily's apartment, Ted and Lily try to patch up over the dirty word]
Lily: Oh, shut up. You think I don't know your fake apologies by now, Ted Mosby? You're clearly still mad at me.
Ted: I'm not mad at you.
Lily: Yes you are.
Ted: [seething] I am NOT mad at you Lily, now can we please just...
Lily: I've apologized to Marshall and he's forgiven me, and we've moved past it. Why can't you?
Ted: Because you've never apologized to me. Marshall's not the only one you walked out on. You leave for three months, you don't even call? Come on, Lily we're supposed to be friends!
Lily: Yeah, some friend, you called me a Grinch!
Ted: You were a grinch!
Lily: How can you...
Ted: Grinchy, grinch grinch grinch, grinch grinch grinch.
[All the lights in the apartment turn off.]
Lily: Happy?! Now you've pissed off the big guy upstairs.
Ted: Yeah, i'm sure God cares if I-
Guy upstairs: You use that language again, and i'll turn off your water!

First Time In New York [2.12][edit]

Robin: [Downs drink] I can't believe my baby sister is planning to lose her virginity to a douche with a faux-hawk. This can't happen, you guys have to help me talk her out of it.
Marshall: A speech to talk a girl out of sex...
Ted: ...yeah I don't have any of those.
Barney: Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.
Robin: Please? I'm her older sister; I'm supposed to teach her how to make good and responsible decisions.
Lily: It's 2 o'clock and you've already had three Scotch and Sodas.
Robin: That's why I need your help!

[Marshall and Lily castigate Barney for describing his first time to have sex with a girl, which seems familiar to Lily]
Lily: That's Dirty Dancing!
Ted: It was on last night.
Marshall: No, it was two nights ago. "She's Like the Wind" has been stuck in my brain for about 40 hours. I just got it out; now it's back in. Damn you, Swayze!

Columns [2.13][edit]

Barney: [picks up dart] Hey, guys! Guess what I got? A new dart!
Robin: Oh, wow, a new dart!
Ted: Hey, that new dart is great!
Robin: I did not know you were such a fan of "newdart", Barney!
Barney: Oh yes, Robin, I just love "newdart"...”nude art". "Nude art"!
[Barney, Robin, and Ted laugh.]
Marshall: Okay, all right, so what, you guys found the painting, huh?!?
Lily: I knew this day would come.
Marshall: How did you know that?
Lily: Because I didn't hide it very well.

Carl: Hey Marshall, what are you having?
Marshall: What I’ll have, oh I don’t know maybe a beer and that nude painting of me hanging behind the bar!
Carl: Oh, I’m sorry. That painting is property of the bar.
Marshall: I know that Barney gave you that painting!
Carl: I don’t know what you’re talking about...
Marshall: Whatever he is paying you I'll pay you double!
Carl: I doubt it.
Marshall: Whatever he is paying you I’ll pay you that plus ten bucks!
Carl: I doubt it.
Marshall: Alright, you know what, Carl? You just lost yourself a regular customer!
Carl: I doubt it.

Monday Night Football [2.14][edit]

Ted: So let me get this straight. A funeral is the one time you don't suit up?
Barney: Have I taught you nothing, Ted?
Ted: Virtually.
Barney: Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.
Lily: Sartorial?
Barney: Of, or pertaining to, tailors or their trade. Suits are for the living. That's why, when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it. BUCK NAKED. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. [In a high-pitched voice] What up? [Raises his hand in anticipation for a high-five]
[Everybody walks past Barney except Marshall, who giggles and gives him a high-five]

Ted: [tries to convince the group of watching the recorded Super Bowl together a day after because of the wake for Mark] Who's in?
Lily: I'm in!
Robin: I'm in.
Marshall: I'm in!
Barney: What the hell. I'm in! HIGH-FIVE! [raises his hand]
Ted: Dude... we are at a wake!
Barney: [looks around] Sorry.... [puts his hand over the table and speaks in a low and grave voice] solemn low-five.

Lucky Penny [2.15][edit]

Marshall: [giving himself a pep talk in the mirror before his run] This is going to be your best run yet. You are going to accomplish all of your goals. [monotone] You are a robot sent from the future to win the Marathon. You are Marshall…You are Marshall….You are Marshall!…Yeaaaahhh!!!.

Barney: [talking with Lily about waiting in line for the wedding-dress sale] I can’t go, I’ve got this thing…
Lily: What thing?
Barney: ...a penis.

Stuff [2.16][edit]

[Robin sees Ted's ex-girlfriends in the things he owns on the living room]
Jeannie Radford, Phone Booth Girl: I'm Ted's college girlfriend. He made me 12 mix tapes. How many has he made you?
Allison Moses, Lamp Girl: He calls you a sweetie pie? He called me a sweetie pie.
Lauren Stein, Throw Pillow Girl: I'm stupid, but my rack is bigger than yours!

Barney: [to Lily during his play] Moist. Moist. Moist...
Future Ted: This was the first 40 minutes of Barney's show.

Arrivederci, Fiero [2.17][edit]

[Ted and Marshall are stuck in the snow after Marshall admits he wants to marry Lily someday.]
Ted: [to Marshall, who's cuddling with him to remain warm] Marshall, are you still thinking about Lily?
Marshall: Yeah.
Ted: Please stop!

[Lily is panicking because the Fiero's brakes are too strong, the inertia splattered their takeout food all over the interior.]
Robin: Shut up! Now listen to me. The clock is ticking. Okay, first thing: we scoop up all these little pieces of tofu and cabbage. Next, what we need to take care of are the messy parts; the pools that have collected. We gotta soak that soup up. Last...is the smell. We gotta cover up that Tam Kuk Gai. You mentioned cigars?
Lily: There's two in the glove compartment, but he's been saving...
Robin: Hand me those chopsticks.
[5 minutes later, Robin and Lily are smoking cigars]
Robin: Mmm, hey, how 'bout some tunes? [500 Miles by The Proclaimers starts playing] Ohh, great song!
[Lily shudders]
Lily: These cigars aren't helping at all.
Robin: [grinning] Yeah, this was a terrible idea.
Lily: Uggh, now it just smells like a...homeless guy threw up in here.
[Robin stares at her in amazement; Lily looks back at her. They have their alibi.]
[flash to present]
Marshall: The broken windows?
Lily: We had to make it look realistic!
Marshall: Well why did you break two of them?
Robin: Uhhh...it looked like fun when she did it so I wanted to try.
Marshall: I can't believe this whole time it was you guys; I've been blaming Really Tan Dancing Leotard guy.

Moving Day [2.18][edit]

[Barney's talking on phone to Ted in a deep voice]
Ted: Barney...
Barney: This isn't Barney. ...but I hear that guy's awesome. All right. Listen very carefully. You will get your stuff back if you are able to complete a series of challenges. Number one, put on the suit. Number two, meet me at MacLaren's in an hour.
Ted: How will I know who to look for since we've never met?
[Awkward pause]
Barney: ...I look like Barney.

Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list. The category: top ten things I would've called my truck...
Ted: It was never your truck.
Barney: If Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.
Ted: It was a rental.
Barney: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. [they all laugh] Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squealer." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-Boni." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."

Bachelor Party [2.19][edit]

Barney: Alright, fine, the stripper at Stewart’s Bachelor Party was a 15.
Ted: [Appalled] She was 15?
Barney: A 15. Like in blackjack.
Ted: As in, not sure whether you’d hit it?
Barney: Exactly!
Ted: Nice.

[Flashback of Barney talking to Lily in San Francisco]
Barney: Yeah, yeah, yeah... Barney what are you doing here...I can't believe it's really you...Come in, have a seat...You want some tea...I know the apartment's small but I don't need much space... let me show you some of my paintings...I think it's some of my best work ever. JUST STOP IT! Lily, you have to come home. You and Marshall belong together. The two of you have something most people search their whole lives for and never find. I know you love him and if you knew what he was going through right now you wouldn't be here for one more second. I bought you a ticket home. Marshall is one of the best people I know and it won't be long until someone else realizes that and you will lose him forever. I can't stand the thought of that happening and I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever. Never ever tell anyone I was here, I will deny it tooth and nail; this trip never happened. [Barney slams the door behind him, but opens it again] Hey, if you had three hours to kill before your flight, what would you do... Alcatraz or Fisherman's Wharf?

Showdown [2.20][edit]

Robin: [Lily walks out, wearing her wedding dress] Wow, Lily, you look so beautiful!
Lily: I know, I'm beautiful! I'm a fairy princess! [She lifts her arms up and the dress falls down] I'm too skinny for my dress!!

[Barney wants to know the identity of his father]
Young Barney: Mom, who's my dad? A lot of kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine?
Barney's Mom: Oh, I don't know. That guy. [points to TV set showing a broadcast of The Price Is Right]

Something Borrowed [2.21][edit]

Ted: Dude, you shaved your fricking head!
Marshall: Yeah! Yeah, but it's good. I'll just shave it all off. What a great solution! Just be bald, 'cos it's cool, right? Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan, Britney Spea- [Looks in mirror] Oh, God, what did I do!? How could you let me shave my head!?
Ted: What!?
Marshall: You're the worst best man ever! I hate you!

Marshall: Hat! We thought of authentic Native American headdress before we thought of hat.

Something Blue [2.22][edit]

Lily: We should come up with a whole new last name.
Marshall: Oh, that's easy; Lily and Marshall Skywalker.
Lily: Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff.
Marshall: Oh, got it. Lily and Marshall Awesome. Hey have you met the Awesomes? Lily, Marshall, their son Totally, and their daughter Freaking?

Ted: Seriously, where do you see yourself in five years?
Robin: Where do you see yourself?
Ted: Honestly, in five years, I'd probably want to be married.
Robin: And I'd probably want to be in Argentina.
Ted: Argentina?
Robin: Or Tokyo, or Paris. Look Ted, I don't know where I'm gonna be in five years. I don't wanna know. I want my life to be an adventure.
Ted: [pause, sadly] We have an expiration date, don't we?

Season 3[edit]

Wait For It [3.01][edit]

[Ted confronts Robin over Gael leaving Spanish massage oil on his apartment]
Ted: Look, us breaking up was the right thing, but it took some time to get over you, you know. I'm still getting over you, but you, you were over the minute they started the in-flight movie.
Robin: Over it? My first three days in Argentina, I cried my eyes out. I missed you so much. I wanted to go and prove how adventurous I am, but the truth is, it was really lonely. And that's why Gael happened.
Ted: You weren't trying to win the breakup?
Robin: I was trying to survive it.

[Barney is in his office, working late. He answers his phone]
Barney: Go for Barney.
Marshall: Hey man. It's Marshall. Check your email, sent you something.
Barney: What is it?
Marshall: A new website. Slapcountdown.com
Barney: [Barney looks at his computer screen, which displays a timer counting down days, hours, minutes and seconds.] What does this mean? Marshall? [Marshall has already hung up] No... NOOOOOOOOO!

We're Not From Here [3.02][edit]

Barney: Within a triad of solar periods, you'll recognize your dearth of compatibility with your paramour and conclude your association.
Robin: My journey was transformative and I reassert my commitment to both the aforementioned paramour and the philosophies he espouses.
Gael: What are we talking of? Baseball?
Barney: It's all gonna return to masticate you in the glutials. Support my hypothesis, Ted.
Ted: I'm just jubilant my former paramour is jubilant.

Robin: Quick announcement: I am glad you are here, fellow travelers. A couple rules. Ah, not rules, let's call them "Guidelines for Harmonious Living". Guideline for Harmonious Living #1: The kitchen sink is for dishes, the toilet is for pee-pee. GFHL #2: Marijuana is illegal in the United States, yes, even when baked into a blueberry muffin, that someone might mistakenly eat for breakfast, before leaving for their job as a TV newscaster. "This just in, look at my hand, how weird is my hand?" is not an appropriate thing to say on the air. And #3-
[everyone cheers]
Robin: AND #3 IS KEEP THE NOISE DOWN! I have to take a nap. I'm still pretty baked.

The Third Wheel [3.03][edit]

Ted: What? We agreed! I suited up!
Barney: You take too long to get ready.
Ted: What are you talking about? I got the low-maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look.
Marshall: Which takes about an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve.
Barney: And then he starts on his hair. Ace!

Marshall: Okay, new scenario: We're caught in a car crash, you die, I'm left paralyzed. Two sexy nurses come in with a 6-pack of wine coolers. I try to blink at them in Morse code. [bats eyes] Please... no... I love my dead wife. But they're medical professionals and I have to assume they're saving my life.
Lily: Fine, sleep with your nurses. Tonight you ride the unicycle.
Marshall: [Muttering] Already did this morning.

Little Boys [3.04][edit]

Robin: What's my "but"? You know, I'm really nice, but...
Ted: [voiceover] But she's afraid of commitment.
Lily: [voiceover] But she's a gun nut.
Barney: [voiceover] But she's... Canadian.
Marshall: [voiceover] But she doesn't like Field of Dreams.
All: I can't think of anything.

Doug: You're supposed to pour the milk first!
Robin: No, you pour the cereal first to see how much milk you need!
Doug: It tastes better milk first!
Robin: It tastes the same!
Doug: Why are you wearing my dad's pants?
Robin: Milk first it is.

How I Met Everyone Else [3.05][edit]

Blah Blah: You guys dated? For how long?
Robin: A year. But, don't worry. The relationship wasn't that good. At the end, it was mostly about sex. Which wasn't that good. I was the problem. I just lie there. But Ted is very good. He will... get you where you need to go.

[flashback to when Marshall met Barney]
Marshall: I'm not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.
Barney: Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. Look at her. [Lily walks in the bar] How much hotter is she than your girlfriend?
Marshall: There's no comparison. What do you think, Ted, should I go for it?
Ted: Don't do it, man, think about Lily.
Marshall: You know what, I don't care, I've been with the same woman for too long. I need me some strange.
Barney: Yes, yes! Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger! [Marshall gets up and goes up to the bar] Poor guy's gonna crash and burn. [Marshall and Lily kiss, Barney spits out his drink.] That man is a GOD!

I'm Not That Guy [3.06][edit]

Barney: [to Marshall, who is talking about being recruited by Jeff Coatsworth] Oh, he's good. Classic seduction technique. I use it all the time. First, I buy her, and by her I mean you, a drink. Then I pretend to be interested in whatever she cares about, for you that would be the.. environment. I be all sympathetic and before you know it, you're naked in my apartment shouting, "Oh-oh, Ba-ar-nee-ee-ee!" And by you, I mean her...

[Barney gets the gang a copy of a porn movie starring 'the other' Ted Mosby]
Barney: Got it. Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect starring Ted Mosby.
Ted: Terrific.
Barney: [loads DVD] You'll notice I'm in the credits. I did some location scouting.
[DVD plays, showing Lance Hardwood and a woman]
Lance Hardwood: [taps keys] Here are the plans for the new International Sex Building.
Ted: That really looks like our apartment.
Barney: It is. Oh, I should return these. [gives flat keys back to Ted]
Woman: Oh, Sex Architect, you've done it again. Let's go celebrate on the couch.
Marshall, Ted, Robin and Lily: OOOOHH!!! [stand up suddenly from the couch in disgust]

Dowisetrepla [3.07][edit]

Marshall: Ted, how many times have I told you to put the lid back on the peanut butter jar?! It's this inconsiderate, immature jackassery that makes me feel like I'm living in The Real World House! And not the early days when they all had jobs and social consciences, I'm talking about Hawaii, and after! I can't take it anymore! Ted, Lily and I are married now! It's time! We're getting our own place!
Lily:... Actually, I left the lid off, sorry, baby.

Lily: I don't think now is the right time to buy.
Marshall: But we're not doing this for now; we're doing this for our future. Can't you imagine starting a family here?
[Lily imagines painting with her two daughters.]
Lily: Oh, Persephone, oh Daphne, these will make great additions to our up-and-coming mother-daughter exhibit at the Met.
Marshall: [enters in a turtleneck, carrying a dog and crêpes au chocolat] Looks great, girls. Who wants crêpes au chocolat?
Lily, Persephone, & Daphne: Merci, Papa!

Spoiler Alert [3.08][edit]

Marshall: [looking for his password] Jelly beans, fluffernutter, Gummi bears, ginger snaps- this is a grocery list.
Robin: For who, a witch building a house in the forest?
Marshall: Sugar helps me study.
Barney: This is the kind of shopping a ten-year-old does when he's alone for the weekend.
Lily: Who leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?
Barney: [Sarcastically] Oh, and your mom was perfect.

Ted: So I just got off the phone with Kathy. God, you guys are so right. I totally hear it now. ...See it now? ...Smell it? What is it? I left the table for two minutes. What could she possibly have done in that time that was so horrible? Was it -
[flashback to restaurant]
Ted: I'll be back in one second.
Kathy: One time, in tenth grade, as a joke, I told everyone that my English teacher had sex with me. He's still in jail.
Ted: Or maybe...
[flashback to restaurant]
Ted: I'll be back in a second.
Kathy: So I volunteered at the pound.
Lily: Oh isn't that nice!
Kathy: You can't imagine the rush you get from killing an unwanted puppy. I make bracelets out of the collars. [shows her bracelet]
Ted: Or...
[flashback to restaurant]
Ted: I'll be back in one second.
Kathy: I bet he's going to the urinal. Yeah, I remember when I had a penis.
[Barney spits out his water]

Slapsgiving [3.09][edit]

Ted: How many days are there in October?
Barney: Ah, thirty?
Ted: Dude, I thought we cleared this up last year.
[flashback to last year]
Barney: [as Borat] I like Halloween very much. Is nice! [flashes thumbs-up]
Ted: [in a Borat-style accent] Is also tomorrow.
Barney: Damn it!

Barney: Hey, check it out. We're in the last 20 seconds of Marshall's countdown to nothing!
Lily: Barney, put it away.
Barney: How does it feel, Marshall? To sit there impotently, your large, flaccid hand just dangling in the wind?
Computer: The slap will occur in ten-
Barney: Ooh, classy touch, dude. TOO BAD!
Lily: Barney, put it away!
Barney: I will. In [counts with the computer] five, four-
Lily: [to Marshall] You can slap him.
Barney: What?? Wait, you-
Computer: Two, one.
[Marshall slaps Barney]
Marshall: That's three!

The Yips [3.10][edit]

Ted: I wound up shame-eating the whole pizza. I woke up all greasy and sweaty. My sheets looked like what they wrap Deli sandwiches in. Maybe I should join a gym. Do you go to a gym?
Barney: Well, I go to Total Rip Fitness. But I don't work out there.
Ted: What do you do?
Barney: I invest.

Trish: All right. Start with a hundred push-ups!
Marshall: All right, cool. How many do you want me to do?
Trish: A hundred.
Marshall: Oh, I thought that was a figure of speech, "A hundred push-ups." Like, "do a bazillion push-ups." No one can do a hundred.
Trish: [sniffing] Do you smell that?
Marshall: No.
Trish: Smells like there's a little bitch in my gym. Are you being a little bitch in my gym?
Marshall: No.
Trish: Then get on the floor and give me a hundred!

The Platinum Rule [3.11][edit]

Lily: We're not gonna date them, we're just gonna be friends with them.
Barney: That's the couple's version of dating.
Robin: And you've got the couples version of the hots for them. You wanna have brunch with them, you wanna go to Pottery Barn with them, you wanna go antiquing with them, don't you? Oh, yeah, you wanna antique the crap out of them.

Ted: [Flashes his butterfly tattoo.] Say goodbye, kids, 'cause it won't be around much longer.
Lily: Oh, but Ted, if you get rid of the butterfly how's everyone gonna know you're a stripper from Reno with daddy issues?

No Tomorrow [3.12][edit]

Barney: Open your brain tank bro, cuz here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. There’s three rules of cheating: 1. It’s not cheating if you’re not the one who’s married. 2. It’s not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And it's not cheating if she’s from a different area code. You’re fine on all three counts.
Ted: How do you know she’s from a different area code?
Barney: She’s 516. She might dress like she’s 718 and act like she’s 212, but trust me she’s 516. Oh, and her husband letting her out alone on St. Patty’s Day? If that dude’s not 973, I’m 307. [Ted looks confused] ... Wyoming.

Barney: The World is going to come to an end tonight. Yes think about it. End of the World, Nostradamus, Notre Dame, Fighting Irish, Irish, St. Patrick's Day. This is it Bro. Bro-pocalypse Now... Bro-Mageddon.

Ten Sessions [3.13][edit]

Stella: Ah the butterfly tramp stamp, my bread and butter. So I'm guessing that the real story involves a bad break up and some booze, unless it's a gang tattoo, in which case I thinks time to find a new gang.
Ted: Ah no, I just thought it would be cool to get a caterpillar tattoo, then a few weeks went by, and all of a sudden...
Stella: Well, I think I can remove it in ten one-hour sessions, but I should warn you, laser surgery's very painful.
Ted: Well, I think I you'll find that I have a very high tolerance for pain. Just last night I sat through the worst movie ever made.
Stella: Oh, Plan 9 from Outer Space?
Ted: No...the Worst Movie, Manos Hands of Fate.

[Ted's wooing of Stella backfires when he discovers that Abby, her receptionist, likes him]
Robin: [at the bar] Ted, I hate to say this, but I think it's "nail the receptionist" time.
Ted: I'm not gonna nail the receptionist.
Barney: Ted, every little boy wants to grow up to nail the doctor or the lawyer. Somebody's gotta nail the receptionist.

The Bracket [3.14][edit]

Barney: There are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves.
Robin: Of course there are.
Barney: Single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch.
Lily: You can not be more evil.
Barney: Sorry five. Recently widowed.

Barney: Hey! I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that I've slept with and all of the horrible things that I have done to them- and I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language, but I shook a guy's hand, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I am the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So, from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize.
Lily: Barney! [embraces Barney] I'm so proud of you. That's not her.

The Chain of Screaming [3.15][edit]

Ted: Gee, is that ice cream cone big enough?
Robin: Uhhh, it's delicious enough.

Barney: Shotgun for eternity!
Robin: You can't call shotgun for eternity.
Barney: I just called it.
Robin: You can't just call things!
Barney: I call that I can call things!

Sandcastles In The Sand [3.16][edit]

Lily: How did you two meet?
Simon: I was in her video. Once you win Mr. Teen Winnipeg, everybody wants a piece of the moneymaker.
Robin: "Starred in it" is more like it!
Barney: Excuse me. I've seen "Let's Go to the Mall" about a thousand times, and, you, sir, are not in it.
Simon: I was in the other one.
Barney: There's another video?! [Barney runs out of the bar]

[Robin tearfully laments Simon breaking up with her for Louise Marsh...again]
Robin: I wanted to be sixteen again.
Barney: Robin, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard come out of your mouth. You're the most awesome person I've ever met. Well, second.
Robin: Right, first being you.
Barney: No, actually, it's this guy I know who lives in something called the mirror. What up?

The Goat [3.17][edit]

[Robin and Barney just had sex]
Robin: Okay, here's the deal, Barney; the moment my feet touch the ground this never happened.
Barney: Okay. Wait! [lifts up covers] Right-click, save as, into the b-peg folder and okay! This never happened. It's a good plan.
Robin: Now we go back to exactly the way things were before.
Barney: Okay.
Robin: [whispering] Okay.
Barney: All right... So Robin?
Robin: Yes Barney?
Barney: Guess who nailed the chick from Metro News One last night?

[Ted is furious with Barney over sleeping with Robin and comes to a decision]
Ted: You know what Barney, earlier this week I've been putting some stuff into a box and that box was labeled "Stuff I Have No Use For Anymore."
Barney: What do you mean?
Ted: All I'm saying is, maybe you belong in that box.
Barney: Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?
Ted: I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.

Rebound Bro [3.18][edit]

[Ted and Stella agree to have sex, even if Ted's a bit nervous]
Stella: Really? How long's it been for you?
Ted: It's been a while.
Stella: Tell me. [Ted shows full palm] Me too!
Ted: It's been five months for you, too? [Stella is open-mouthed]
Robin, Lily, and Marshall: [at flat] FIVE YEARS!??!

[Barney's coaching Randy on being a bro]
Barney: Now remember my three beginner's tips for picking up chicks: address her by name, isolate her from her friends, subtly put her down.

Everything Must Go [3.19][edit]

Abby: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Barney: Yes!
Abby: You're thinking about having sex with Ted?

[Ted and Marshall are at the apartment of the gay couple who bought Lily's painting just for the frame]
Ted: Since you're a clearly man of impeccable taste and style, I want to ask you: what do you think of the boots? [shows red cowboy boots]
Lawrence: Walter. [Walter goes out of bedroom] Boots.
Walter: [looks down at boots and pauses] Pulling. Them. Off! [Lawrence smiles]
Ted: [to Marshall, smiling] I'll be in the cab.

Miracles [3.20][edit]

Stella: So, my sister broke up with her boyfriend.
Ted: Well, now I can finally say it: I hated that guy! Everything out of his mouth is 'I'm a vegan!', 'Fish feel pain!', 'I'm never constipated!'. That guy's an idiot.
Stella: Actually, she's marrying him. I just wanted your honest opinion.
Ted: He's actually a really nice guy. There's a wisdom...

[Marshall will not take Robin's skepticism of miracles lightly and narrates one of his own miracle stories]
Marshall: July, 1999, Kennedy airport.
[A flashback to March 1997, when Marshall arrives home from Amsterdam and checks into Immigration at JFK]
Guard: Did you enjoy [Looks at Marshall's passport] Amsterdam?
Marshall: [Nervous] No? Nothing illegal. Some paintings...
Guard: Alright Bob Marley. [Takes Marshall's backpack] Let's have a conversation! [another guard enters, coughing and eating a bag of chips.]
Replacement Guard: Shift change! [First guard leaves; new guard looks at Marshall's passport] Amsterdam? Alright! Float on through, brother!
Marshall: [Current day] Miracle!!!!!

Season 4[edit]

Do I Know You? [4.1][edit]

Future Ted: Kids, here's something I wish my dad had told me. The longest pause you will ever experience in your life is the one that follows asking the question...
Ted: [to Stella] Will you marry me?
Future Ted: Your brain goes into overdrive, imagining every possible response.
[Flashbacks to every possible response]
Stella: No.
[Next response]
Stella: Oh, god no!
[Next response]
Stella:[bursts into laughter] You want me to marry... No.
[Next response]
Stella: Awww I'm sorry Ted, I can't. Mark Johnson, the quarterback from the high school football team, already asked me.
Mark Johnson: What's up, turd?
Ted: It's TED!
[Back to present time]
Future Ted: But if you're lucky, she might answer with the single greatest word in the English language...
Stella: Yes.

Ted: [about Star Wars] It's just a movie.
[Cut to Ted and Marshall watching the TV. Subtitle: '121 awesome minutes later']
Ted: Okay, if Stella doesn't like this movie, I can't marry her.
Marshall: No, you can't.
Ted: Wanna watch it again?
Marshall: Yes, I do.

The Best Burger in New York [4.2][edit]

Robin: We always do this. We spend an hour arguing about where to eat, and we end up here anyway. I haven't eaten for two days. Can we please, for the love of God, just order something now?
Ted: Chinese?
Robin: Oh.
Barney: I don't like Chinese.
Ted: Indian?
Barney: I just said I don't like Chinese.
Ted: Indian isn't Chinese.
Barney: Weird meat, funny music, side of rice. Why are we splitting hairs?
Ted: Mexican?
Barney: I just said I don't like Chinese!
Robin: God.

Marshall: Just a burger? Just a burger. Robin, it’s so much more than "just a burger." I mean…that first bite — oh, what heaven that first bite is! The bun, like a sesame freckled breast of an angel, resting gently on the ketchup and mustard below, flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux. And then... a pickle! The most playful little pickle! Then a slice of tomato, a leaf of lettuce and a…a patty of ground beef so exquisite, swirling in your mouth, breaking apart, and combining again in a fugue of sweets and savor so delightful. This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread, Robin. This is God, speaking to us through food.
Lily: And you got our wedding vows off the internet?

I Heart NJ [4.3][edit]

[Ted and Stella are arguing about whether New York or New Jersey is better]
Stella: Bruce Springsteen.
Ted: Sinatra.
Stella: Yeah, he's from Hoboken...New Jersey.
Ted: Yeah, but what city is he singing about? It's not Secaucus, Secaucus!

Marshall: I hate New York! I'm sorry, but it's true! Today, I was walking around PriceCo. Have you ever been there? It's huge! All the stores in New York are so cramped! Every time I turn around I knock something over. I'm like some huge monster that came out of the oceans to destroy bodegas! ...I'm too big for New York, okay! I'm always trying to fit into cramped little subway seats, or duck under doorways that were built a hundred and fifty years ago. "Hey, guess what, people are bigger now! Build bigger doorways! What the hell is wrong with you?" ...And it's so loud. All the time. Yes, I know it's the city that never sleeps, but guess what? I like to sleep! I've been tired for eight years! Tired and scared, with black and blue marks on my elbows from trying to fit into all these tiny elf doorways! New Jersey's great! It's got huge stores, and lawns, and you never have to carry a cup again! For the rest of your life! I'm not afraid to say it: I love New Jersey! [sees Lily's face] I'm just kidding.

Intervention [4.04][edit]

Barney: [in old man make-up] You there, what's your name?
Woman: Cindy.
Barney: Cindy. I knew it! You're the Cindy, the one that can change everything...or spell our inevitable doom. Now listen to me, Cindy. I am Barney Stinson. And I am on an urgent mission from the future.
Woman: The future?
Barney: The future! And I can prove it! In exactly four seconds, the woman at that booth is going to slap that man. [Clears throat loudly]
[Robin slaps Ted; woman is amazed]
Barney: In a few minutes, the young me from your time is going to come through that door. Now, Cindy, I know this sounds insane...but in order to save the planet, you need to sleep with him. Tonight.
Woman: What?
Barney: Sleep with Barney Stinson, tonight, in whatever way he wants it...or he won't be able to find the solution to global warming that saves the human race!
Woman: What are you talking about?
Barney: I have no time to explain. I have to get back to the reality accelerator before the vortex closes. Only you can save us, Cindy. I must away!
[Barney returns a few minutes later, looking like himself]
Woman: Oh my God! You're-oh my God! Can I buy you a drink?
Barney: Well, I guess I have time for one drink, and forty-five minutes to an hour of some other activity. But after that I have to get back to, uh, a secret research project I'm working on.
Woman: Global warming?
Barney: My god. How did you know that?

Robin: Wait, whoa, what damage did I cause?
Marshall: Remember that night where you drank the twelver of Molson and got all "Super Canadian"?
[flashback]
Robin: [holding a hockey stick] Stanley Cup. Game six, eh? The Rangers are aboot to be sorry they ever played shinny with the Canucks.
Marshall: Hey hey Robin, I'll give you twenty bucks if you can shoot it through the front door.
Robin: Oh! You're nuttier than a Tim Horton's maple log! Tally Ho! [tries to shoot the puck through the door]
Lily: [grabs the puck] No. That's it, Robin. Gimme the stick!
Robin: I'll give you summer teeth... Some are here, some are there.
Lily: Robin, give me the stick!
Robin: Take off, [shoves Lily] hoser!
Lily: Alright, that's it!
[Robin and Lily begin to fight]
Marshall: Go America!
Ted: Alright, alright! Break it up! BREAK IT UP!
Barney: Te-ed, no! You never break up a girl fight! NEVER!! [punches a hole in the wall and storms out]

Shelter Island [4.05][edit]

Marshall: There's no meat.
Lily: There's no alcohol.
Marshall: It gets worse—I am 90% sure that guy you were talking with used to be lead singer of the Spin Doctors.

[Robin has reservations about Ted and Stella's wedding, and Ted is not pleased]
Ted: We broke up over a year ago.
Robin: Yeah, but that's not that long ago. Watching you marry another woman isn't exactly something I was looking forward to. I don't know, if I would change my mind about marriage and kids, it was nice to know that you were there.
Ted: So I was your safety school. How flattering.
Robin: That's not it. It's just that, I..
Ted: Why are you bringing any of this up? There's nothing between us anymore.
Robin: Well maybe there is! I mean, of course, there is, that kind of stuff just doesn't disappear without a trace. I'm not just another guest here, Ted.
Ted: Great. We used to date, but we've both moved on and look, we got what we wanted. I'm getting married, you got your dream job in Tokyo, and we live happily ever-
Robin: I quit my job.
Ted: What?
Robin: I'm moving back to New York. I thought I wanted that job, but I want to come back to my real life, and I think you should go back to yours.
Ted: What does that supposed to mean?
Robin: Don't get married. Look you're rushing into this, it's like you're trying to skip ahead to the end of the book. Ted, you're the most romantic guy I know; you stole a blue French horn for me, you tried to make it rain-
Ted: I did make it rain.
Robin: It was a coincidence, but after all that, this is how your great romantic quest comes to an end? You're just disappearing into someone else's wedding, someone else's house, someone else's life without a second thought. That's not the amazing ending that you deserve. That's not Ted Mosby.
Ted: [after long pause] I love Stella, she's the one. You really feel that way, I guess it's a good thing you're not coming to the wedding after all. [storms out]

Happily Ever After [4.06][edit]

Marshall: Stella hated Star Wars! She lied to you. Search your feelings, Ted. You know it to be true!
Ted: Well, that's her business.
Barney: Come on Ted, she left you at the altar! [gang begins arguing until Lily notices the taxi]
Lily: Wa-wait, where's she going? Her cab just missed the turn to the Lincoln Tunnel.
Robin: Why would anybody buy take-out food and bring it all the way back to New Jersey, anyway?
Ted: She's going to her office.
Marshall: No. [recounts restaurant order scene] The waiter asked her, "And you need utensils?" She said, "No, I'll just take them straight home."
Ted: If she's going home, why are we still heading to- oh my God. Tony lives downtown. "Home" is Tony's apartment. She was gonna make me move to New Jersey, and she's moving into the city WITH TONY?!? Son of a bitch! [Gang cheers him on]
Marshall: Finally, finally, buddy.
Ted: I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW!
Marshall: I know, I know, and I love it! [Ted rips off window crank] Yeah, that is awesome! [to taxi driver] Sir, we'd be happy to cover the cost of that window crank! I love angry Ted!
Ted: So do I!

[After Ted fails to deliver his 'cold-blooded' speech to Stella because he just saw Tony and Lucy happily greeting her.]
Future Ted: And that that was it, that moment I wasn't angry anymore. I could see she was meant to be with Tony. Kids, you may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone's face. There's a third option: You can just let it go, and only when you do that is it really gone and you can move forward. And that kids, was the perfect ending to a perfect love story. It just wasn't mine. Mine was still out there, waiting for me.

Not A Father's Day [4.07][edit]

[Marshall and Lily are making out on the couch when a pajama-clad Robin sits down and munches ice cream with beer]
Marshall: So Robin, how's the job and apartment search going?
Robin: [sarcastic] Oh you didn't hear? I'm a lead anchor on CNN and I've got a penthouse overlooking Central Park made of gold! Get your head out of your ass, Marshall!

[Barney just discovered he did not sire a baby with his latest sexual conquest and tells Marshall about it]
Barney: Marshall, great news - I'm not a father.
Marshall: Congratulations, buddy. [Shakes Barney's hand]
Barney: I know, this is the happiest moment of my life! Marshall, the way I feel about not having kids... I never knew I could love something this much. That's why, I'm creating a holiday. From now on, today will be known as "Not A Father's Day"!
Marshall: Wow, you're creating a holiday.
Barney: Why not? Everyone else gets a day - mothers, fathers, Bastille's...why can't there be a day for those who are single and like it that way?
Marshall: Now you just sound like a fat girl at Valentine's Day.

Woooo! [4.08][edit]

Robin: Look at those girls, Lily. Look at them and listen to what their "woos" are really saying.
Woman #1: Woooo!
Subtitle: I cry in the shower!
Woman #2: Woooo!
Subtitle: I've never been on a second date!
Jillian: Woooo!
Subtitle: What if I never get to be a mother?!
Woman #3: Woooo!
Subtitle: I'm secretly in love with Jillian!
[Woman #3 looks admiringly at Jillian]
Ted: Woooo!
Subtitle: My career and love life are heading nowhere!

[After Ted lands the Goliath National Bank building design job]
Ted: Woooo!
Subtitle: Now only my love life's a disaster!

The Naked Man [4.09][edit]

Future Ted: If you wanna go swimming, you don't just dive in. First you dip your toe on the water, you check the temperature see how it feels and then you slowly wade in.

Ted: He may not fit society's definition of a hero, but he is the hero I needed. The hero who helped me recover from the disaster of my failed almost-marriage and get back into the game. He lives in the shadows. Is he a dream? Truth? Fiction? Damnation? Salvation? He is all these things and none of them. He is...The Naked Man.

The Fight [4.10][edit]

Robin: [explains attraction towards battle-hardened men] I come from a culture of hockey players and if a guy can throwdown, it's somewhat way hot...and scars? Hello! If a guy's got a scar, he's got a Robin and if he's missing his teeth, I'm missing my pants!

Future Ted: Kids, I can't tell you whether fighting is good or bad; and I can't tell you not to do it. I can only give you one piece of advice about fighting: don't get into a fight with your uncle Marshall. Cuz that guy's crazy.

Little Minnesota [4.11][edit]

[Barney sings sexual versions of Christmas songs whenever Ted receives a Christmas greeting card from his sister]
Barney: [on first card, Christmas 2005, to the tune of 'Jingle Bells'] Pulling down her pants, yanking off my own, underneath the mistletoe I'll make your sister moan - OOOH! Heather's hot, Heather's hot, and we'll go all the way...
[on second card, Christmas 2006, to the tune of 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas'] I wish I could see her naked. I wish I could see her naked. I wish I could see her naked...and down on all fours! [gets ribbed by Ted]
[on third card, Christmas 2007, to the tune of 'The Dreidel Song'] Ted has a little sister, gets hotter every day, and if I ever meet her with her boobies I will play - Everybody! Sister, sister, sister...

[Marshall brings Robin to a Minnesota-themed bar, the Walleye Saloon]
Robin: [Reading placard on the bar shelf] 'I'm drinking 'till I forget the 1999 NFC Championship'?
Marshall: That game. The Vikings were two minutes away from going to the Super Bowl, when our kicker, who hadn't missed all year, shanked a field goal, and we lost in overtime. [slams fist on table] Damn!
Bud: [overhears Marshall's rant from bar counter] '99 NFC Championship, huh?
Marshall: Yeah.
Bud: Damn! [slams fist on table as well]

Benefits [4.12][edit]

Robin: You know what it is? We were having sex. Men and women need sex to live together. It... it solves all disputes.
Ted: Oh, like Barney's theory about world peace.
[flashback]
Barney: So I explain to her... I said, "Madeleine, every single international conflict essentially boils down to sexual tension."
Ted: Every international conflict?
Barney: Every single one, dude.
Ted: So the crisis in the Middle East could be solved by...
Barney: Gaza Strippers! Next...
Ted: Apartheid.
Barney: Apart thighs! What else you got?
Ted: Cold War.
Barney: [brief pause] Mrs. Gorbachev, take down those pants!

Barney: Ted, I have to tell you the truth. I’m in love with [sees Robin] tacos. What are you doing?
Robin: I’m, uh, taking out the triz-ash. If you’re, uh, looking for Ted, he left. Our little arrangement is, uh, over, by the way.
Barney: Really? That’s aws… ful.
Robin: Awfsful?
Barney: Yeah, it’s just awfsful. What happened?
Robin: Ah, he just insisted. He said he couldn’t do it anymore because “someone’s gonna get hurt.” Think we all know who he meant by that.
Barney: Do we?
Robin: Isn’t it obvious?
Barney: Is it?
Robin: Yeah. It’s Ted. You know what a romantic he is. He can’t separate the physical from the emotional. He’s all like…
Barney: I love you.
Robin: Exactly. He’s not like you, you know? Besides, we’re friends. I don’t want to screw that up by getting involved. Dating friends never works out. So, uh, you want to get a taco?
Barney: A taco?
Robin: You love them, remember?
Barney: Right.
Robin: Come on, I’m hungry.
Ted: (voiceover) So Robin and I went back to just being roommates and things went back to normal. Your Aunt Lily was right: when two exes decide to just be casual, someone always gets hurt… it just wasn’t one of us.

Three Days of Snow [4.13][edit]

Lily: Fort Lager Dale, get it?
Marshall: Minne Cider, get it?
Lily: Aspen Yards Ale, get it?
Marshall: Actually, no.
Lily: Me neither. I was hoping you would.

Barney: If I can land just one of these girls, I'll have Party School Bingo.
[Ted rifles around in the peanut bowl, not taking the bait.]
Barney: Come on, Ted. You're the only one here.
Ted: [mock apologetically] Oh, sorry! [mock interest] What's Party School Bingo?
Barney: Every year, Playboy releases a list of the top party schools in the country. I take the top 25 and I make up a Bingo card. All I need is Arizona Tech, which is crazy... In league play that would normally be designated a free space.
Ted: So, uh, how many people are in on this Party School Bingo thing?
Barney: Oh, it's just me.
Ted: Then what's the point, then?
Barney: The point is to get five in a row.
Ted: And what do you get when you get five in a row?
Barney: I get Bingo.

The Possimpible [4.14][edit]

[The gang checks out Robin's fan mail from Metro News 1]
Lily: Wow. You had more fans than I thought.
Ted: And only about 60% of them are prison inmates.
Robin: What are these guys thinking? I am WAY past my "dating prisoners" phase. I mean, hello, I'm not 19 anymore.

[Ted has a flashback about his old Wesleyan radio gig after Robin finds it in his resume]
Ted: [as Doctor X] Doctor X here, shooting truth bullets at you from an undisclosed location, 'cause if they knew where I was, they'd shut me down.
Marshall: [listening with Lily at their dorm room] You're on the third floor of the Student Center next to the game room, you tool!
Ted: Been reading a lot of letters about my segment on how racist this school's meal plan is.
Lily: How can there be any letters if no one knows where you are, douche?
Ted: That's why I'm organizing a happening outside the Dining Hall. Monday, at midnight. Time has come that these puppet masters took this ignorance of justice off the menu.
Student: [cuts in during broadcast] Hey Ted, we need a fourth one for foosball. What are you doing here, anyway?
Ted: Dude, get out of here, be there in a sec. [resumes Doctor X spiel] Remember, Dining Hall at midnight. Another Doctor X happening. I'll be there, 'cause X marks the spot-ot-ot-ot...
Marshall: [in present day] If you think people liked your show, they did not-ot-ot-ot...

The Stinsons [4.15][edit]

Marshall: Where does this girl live?
Robin: We're talking about a girl who got Barney Stinson to actually commit… I'm guessing Narnia.

[Barney is holding a casting call for a little boy to play his son]
Woman: You said that if I slept with you, my son would get the part!
Barney: Well, apparently I'm a better actor than your kid. [over his shoulder] Bring in the four o'clocks!

Sorry, Bro [4.16][edit]

Ted: I never said I was gonna get back together with her. But I was thinking, she's new in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call?
Marshall: No, no, Ted, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one, super volcano. Number two, an asteroid hits the earth. Number three, all footage of Evil Knievel is lost. Number four, Ted calls Karen. Number five, Lily gets eaten by a shark.
Lily: I'm Lily and I approve the order of that list.

[At a staff meeting with Marshall presiding over]
Marshall: Now, as you'll see on page 44 of the contract...
Bilson: Hey Eriksen, when did you join AC/DC? [points to Marshall's cut-up pants]
Marshall: [scoffs] Can we please just turn to page 44 of the contract...
Blauman: Hey Eriksen. I think the Oliver Twist auditions are down the hall! [colleagues laugh]
Barney: Yeah, Eriksen, please sir, can I have some more...pants? [colleagues laugh harder]

The Front Porch [4.17][edit]

[Karen just saw Robin's earrings]
Karen: Are those real diamond earrings?
Robin: Yes, they are. Thank you. [smiles]
Karen: I didn't say I like them.
Robin: Well, I got a great deal on them.
Karen: Cool. I'm sure the exploited diamond miners of Sierra Leone would give you a high five if they still have their fingers. [changes to happy tone] but they're really pretty.

[Lily just confessed to Ted the truth about engineering his breakups, especially that with Robin, which turned out to be accidental]
Robin: Oh my God!
Ted: Lily, you can't manipulate people like that! I've known you 12 years and I can honestly say I've NEVER BEEN MORE FURIOUS AT YOU!
Lily: Well, I didn't mean to...
Ted: No, I don't want to hear it..
Barney: [cuts in] Whoa whoa, settle down. Let's just settle down! I have one question: [Turns to Marshall, asking about the nightshirts they are wearing] What do these bad boys feel like in bed?
Marshall: Come, let's go see. [Marshall and Barney head to the bedroom]
Robin: So if it weren't for you, Ted and I would still be dating?
Lily: OR you would have stayed together far too long, had an incredibly bitter breakup and not even remain friends and [teary eyed, to Robin] you and I would never have become best friends.
Robin: Don't even say that. [Hugs Lily]
Ted: Stop hugging! Lily, you had no right to interfere in my relationships. You got lucky, okay? You met the love of your life in a dorm hallway when you were 18 - that doesn't give you the right to play God to the rest of us mortals down here who are still looking for someone. You are so concerned with who you and Marshall are gonna end up in that front porch with-you know what, you can have it to yourselves. [leaves living room]

Old King Clancy [4.18][edit]

Marshall: If I could nail a celebrity it would be Lily. She's the star of my heart.
Lily: Aww. For me it would be Hugh Jackman.

Ted: [talking about Bilson, who just fired him] After he proposed a vocational paradigm shift, I made an impromptu presentation using a four-prong approach which really brought him to his knees.
Barney: You hit him with a chair?
Ted: Yep.
Barney: That's my boy!

Murtaugh [4.19][edit]

Lily: Marshall, they're in kindergarten. You don't teach basketball this way.
Marshall: Sure you do, it's the way I learned.
Lily: Are you kidding? What sociopath taught you this way?
[Flashback]
Young Marshall: Come on, Dad! I'm tired!
Marvin: Sleep is for winners! You can go to bed when you score a basket!
Young Marshall: I'm trying!
Marvin: Oh, let's give you two points for trying! Negative two points for having a great big head!
[Present]
Marshall: My father gave me no quarter. And I asked for no quarter.

Lily: [to Marshall] At tomorrow's game, if you're anything less than a teddybear stuffed with cotton-candy and rainbows, I will silent-treatment your ass into the ground. You will think the time I found your Internet search history was a picnic.

Mosbius Designs [4.20][edit]

Robin: When PJ had a job, he was sexy. He was guardian of the bathroom key. A hot guy telling you when you can and can't pee? That's the dream.
Ted: [incredulous] That's the dream? The dream?!?!?! Like what Martin Luther King was talking about??
Robin: I have to end it, don't I? I'm terrible at breakups.

Barney: I'm - wait for it - in - wait for it - love - wait for it - with - wait for it - a -wait for it - certain - wait for it...
Marshall: I KNOW THAT YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ROBIN!

Three Days Rule [4.21][edit]

Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole "wait three days" thing. He waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I DIED yesterday!" and then they'd be all, "Uhh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be like "Uh okayy, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the exact right number of days, THREE. Plus it's SUNDAY, so everyone's in church already, they're all in there "Oh no, Jesus is DEAD", then BAM! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. Three days. We wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story.

Robin: [reading "Holly's" text message for Ted] "Hey Baby, I picked up some take out from Gennaro`s, be home soon." Ok, this sounds bad, but let's think about this, it could be for a brother, or maybe her sick dad.
Ted: Scroll down...
Robin: [reading] "And then I want you to do me on the couch..." Ok, maybe not a sick dad...or a VERY sick dad, am I right? [laughs] Sorry...

Right Place, Right Time [4.22][edit]

Future Ted: The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do. They'll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life. You have to take action. And you will! But never forget, that on any day, you could step out the front door, and your whole life could change forever. You see the Universe has a plan kids; and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain. It's a scary thought, but it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working... Making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be.. exactly when you're supposed to be there. The right place. At the right time.

[Barney confronts Matthew Panning over the 200-women dare, even though he screwed up the count.]
Matthew Panning: So Barney, great to hear from you after all this time, what's going on?
Barney: I've had sex with 200 women! [shows the list]
Matthew: [sees list] Good God, that's way too many. I mean, that's just gross! You sought counseling for sex addiction? Because you are a prime candidate.
Barney: Oh, have you sought counseling for I-win-you-lose? Yeah. Suddenly, those hundred girls you nailed in the seventh grade aren't so impressive.
Matthew: Hundred girls? Is that what this is about? Barney, I lied!
Barney: Sure you did.
Matthew: I was 12, of course I was lying. I didn't have a pet Ewok either.
Barney: Sure you didn't.
Matthew: Your whole adult life is based on something I lied about when I was 12?
Barney: Jealous?
Matthew: [exasperated with Barney's response] I gotta go pick up my kids at school. Sounds like you got a lot of problems. Good luck, I guess. [leaves]
Barney: I'm awesome. [tears up list] Okay, 200. Now what? [looks at Robin]

As Fast As She Can [4.23][edit]

[Barney's just been given a speeding ticket]
NJ Policewoman: Get out of the car.
Barney: [in a suave voice] Why, am I under arrest?
NJ Policewoman: No, [takes off helmet and unzips uniform blouse] you're about to be under me. [Barney looks at camera and gives a double thumbs-up]

Ted: Okay, I'm going to say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know that Marshall and Lily have... I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen, and waiting for it to happen, and... I guess I'm just tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.
Stella: You know how I talked my way out of a speeding ticket?
Ted: Really?
Stella: I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads, and I got pulled over. So then a police officer swaggered over and said, 'Ma'am, I've been waiting for you all day.' And I said, 'Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could!'
Ted: For real?
Stella: No, it's just a joke. [pause] I know that you're tired of waiting. And you may have to wait a little while more but, she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here, as fast as she can.

The Leap [4.24][edit]

Barney: So what do you think of Robin?
Ted: Barney, I really need to get to work, so...
Barney: Great. Say you and I went suit shopping, and you happened upon a beautiful suit. A beautiful Canadian suit. Double-breasted. Mmmmmm. You try it on, and it's not exactly the right fit for you, so you put it back, then I try it on. I don't really wanna take the same suit you had your eye on, but at the same time, I really like that suit.
Ted: Buy the suit, Barney. You clearly care about it. Tell the suit how you feel. [pats him on the shoulder]
Barney: Okay, but Ted, remember that that was your answer, because... [long pause] the suit is Robin. I know! [head exploding pantomime] Right?
Ted: I'm with you, buddy.
Barney: You are now, because I explained it to you. [embraces him]

[last words of the season]
Future Ted: That was the year I got left at the altar, it was the year I got knocked out by a crazed bartender, the year I got fired, the year I got beat up by a goat, a girl goat at that, and damn it if it wasn't the best year of my life. Because if any one of those things hadn't happened, I never would've ended up in what turned out to be the best job I ever had. But more importantly, I wouldn't have met your mother. Because as you know, she was in that class. Of course, that story is just beginning.

Season 5[edit]

Definitions [5.01][edit]

[Barney and Marshall arguing about 'The Talk' between Barney and Robin]
Marshall: Would you just have 'The Talk'... okay, it's a five-minute conversation and then you get to have sex afterwards. It's great! Back me up, Ted!
Ted: I don't think 'The Talk' is necessary....
Marshall: [in a high-pitched voice] Whaaaaaaat?!
Barney: Thank you, Ted...
Ted: ...because Robin is already his girlfriend!
Barney: [imitating Marshall] Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?

[Ted's just found out from a college professor that he is in the wrong class]
Student: T-Dog, you're in the wrong room, bro. [students laugh]

Double Date [5.02][edit]

[During Marshall's fantasy with Lily dying of a hiccup disorder]
Lily: It’s time, baby.
Marshall: [crying] I will never love again!
Lily: No, Marshall, you must! And after an appropriate number of years you should find someone else - someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time and...plow her like a cornfield. [hiccups and dies; Marshall cries]
[at Lily's funeral]
Pastor: ...and so Marshall, to honor Lily, you must find that busty delivery girl from that one time, and plow her like a cornfield. [Ted, Robin, and Barney comfort Marshall, who's still crying]
[An appropriate number of years later, Marshall hears a knock at the door and opens it to reveal the delivery girl]
Busty Delivery Girl: Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.
Marshall: [looks up at heaven] This is for you, Lil. [to Busty Delivery Girl while opening his shirt] Where do I sign? [necks her]

[During Ted's blind date with Jen, they talk about menu choices]
Jen: So, any thoughts on food?
Ted: Yeah. You want to share the oysters?
Jen: I'd love to share the oysters.
Ted: Good, 'cause if you don't that would be...mighty shellfish.
Jen: [shallow-faced] Wow, that's bad.
Ted: That's why it's funny. [long pause; Ted and Jen recognize each other]
Ted and Jen: We've been on this date before.

Robin 101 [5.03][edit]

[Ted's briefing Barney about Robin's facial expressions, especially one particular slide]
Ted: But the most important expression of all...[presses button on laptop; slide shows a very angry Robin]
Barney: [awed at picture] Whoa... [goes toward Ted]
Ted: [describes picture] Flared nostril ridges, wide unblinking eyes... if you ever, EVER, see this face, Barney, run... and don't take a picture of it. She will punch you... and you will cry... for the third time... that night.

[Robin goes to MacLaren's after crashing the Robin 101 class. Ted comforts her]
Ted: Look, all that stuff I told Barney, it was personal knowledge between you and me, and I'm sorry.
Robin: Guess I'm impressed by how much you remembered.
Ted: It's funny...when you date someone, you're taking one long course on who that person is, and when you break up, all of that stuff is useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree. I guess I just like the idea of putting all my Robin Scherbatsky knowledge to good use, you know?
Robin: Since you know me pretty well, am I fooling myself with this whole Barney thing?
Ted: I don't know. I will say this though: I've seen Barney work hard to get women, and I've seen him work hard to get rid of women. I've never seen him work this hard to keep one around. I was gonna give him an A...well, B plus - Shin-Ya kinda screwed up a curve.

The Sexless Innkeeper [5.04][edit]

[Barney is explaining the concept of the "Sexless Inkeeper" to Ted]
Ted: Wait, you're saying that girl just used me for a place to crash?
Barney: Ted, you mentioned that you live right upstairs. She saw that tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in nor probably even capable of having sex and she thought, hey, free lodging.
Ted: No way, I'm not the Sexless Innkeeper.
Barney: Ted, that girl had no intention of ever hooking up with you.
Robin: Which is funny, because usually, it's the innkeeper who offers turn-down services. Oh! [highfives Barney]

[Ted tries to convince Barney and Robin to apologize to Marshall and Lily for turning down their Couples Nights]
Ted: Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't been to the bar all week. They're taking this really hard.
Barney: Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day, but don't you have to get back up to the inn? I mean, who's working the front desk?
Ted: Seriously, they're your friends, you got to apologize.
Barney: To your point, Ted. As an innkeeper, do you do that cheap thing where you only change the linens upon request? I mean, I mean, I mean, how much water is that actually saving?
Ted: Robin, you know I'm right. If a problem doesn't go away, usually just makes it bigger.
Robin: You're right...
Ted: Thank you.
Robin: ...all that sexlessness has made you wise.
Ted: For God's sakes...[rushes out of the bar]
Barney: [calls out to Ted] Mint on the pillow, Ted, and don't charge for WiFi, it seems greedy.

Duel Citizenship [5.05][edit]

[Ted's prepared to embark on the road trip to Gazola's with Marshall]
Ted: I am ready to hit the road. I got baby wipes, I got a variety of jerky. I got [puts bag on chair] six cans of Tantrum. Well, four - the one burned through the can and the other one I drank already. RAAAH [rips throw pillow apart and tosses it away]...TANTRUM!

[Robin laments the loss of her Canadian identity while in Toronto]
Robin: When I went to the States, I swore to myself I won't change. Yet here I am, in the most Canadian place in the universe - Tim Hortons, just around the corner from the Hockey Hall of Fame...and I don't belong. It's like I don't have a country.
Barney: Ok, that's it. [stands up on top of chair] Attention, Canada. I'm Barney, from America, and I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one, get real money. [shows Canadian dollar bill] Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a [in French accent] joke. Number two, and this is a biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because you know what, you don't want her, I'm planting my flag in her if you know what I mean-which you probably don't- and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless.

Bagpipes [5.06][edit]

[Intro scene]
Future Ted: In the fall of 2009, a new couple moved in upstairs. We haven't met them yet, but we could hear them - all the time. Well they were always - well, let's just say, playing the bagpipes. [Ted is caught by surprise and Robin appears]
Robin: Okay, this is ridiculous, I can't believe those two are still bagpiping.
Ted: I know, it's been six hours. Must be that tantric bagpiping that Sting's into.
Robin: She's keeping on saying to play the bagpipes harder, but it sounds like he's bagpiping her pretty hard. There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's vibrating like Jurassic Park.
Ted: [to neighbors] You have neighbors. Shut the bagpipes up!

[Marshall just linked up with Ted and Barney at MacLaren's]
Ted: [to Marshall] Barney says Lily asking you to wash the dishes is a sign that your marriage is crumbling.
Marshall: What? Why? Lily likes a clean sink. I do the dishes right away, so what's the big deal?
Barney: I'll tell you what the big deal is. You know how I have always been best at being single?
Ted and Marshall: No.
Barney: Well, now, I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily.
Marshall: Whoa, look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes and think you can play with the big boys? Adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your mama's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile that will make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but...thanks for your concern, rook.

The Rough Patch [5.07][edit]

[A certain videotape from Barney's porn collection has somehow ended up in Ted's VHS player]
Woman's Voiceover: ArchiSexture, the world of - [screen cuts into Barney]
Barney: Hello Ted. If you're watching this tape - and I knew you'd pick this one - you are now in possession of my porn. This can only mean two things - either I'm dead, or I'm now in a committed relationship. If I'm dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and recreating Weekend at Bernie's. I wanna dance, I wanna have sex with a girl, and I wanna go fishing. If, on the other hand, I'm in a committed relationship, then as your best friend, I have only one request: Please for the love of God, GET ME OUT OF IT!

Lily: So, what did you guys do last last night?
Robin: Well, I wanted to go a party and he wanted to go dancing, but we couldn't both do something only one of us wanted to do, so we just stayed home and fell asleep watching a movie.
Barney: It was legen—wait for it—ds of the Fall! Legends of the Fall! [shrugs] It was OK.

The Playbook [5.08][edit]

[Ted talks about how to move on after a break-up]
Future Ted: Others throw themselves into...
Barney: Every woman in New York City. That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers lock up your daughters, daughters lock up your MILSWANCAs.
Marshall: MILSWANCAs?
Ted: Wait, I can get this... Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With And Never Call Again!
Barney: Correct! Circle gets the square!

[The gang reads the SNASA con]
Woman: Wow, you're an astronaut?
Barney: [hushes woman] I'm actually in a top-secret government space program, called Secret NASA, or...SNASA.
Woman: Wow, SNASA.
Barney: Ah hmm..
Woman: Do you go to the Moon and stuff?
Barney: Well, not the moon you're familiar with, though I've been to the... Smoon.
Woman: Wow... The Smoon!
[Cuts back to the gang]
Robin: If you fall for that one, my heart breaks for you. I'm sorry, but you're a smoron.

Slapsgiving 2: Revenge of the Slap [5.09][edit]

[Ted and Robin just recovered Marshall's special turkey and he hugs them.]
Marshall: Guys, I don't know what to say, I mean it's Thanksgiving, but thanks just doesn't seem like its enough.
Ted: Come on buddy, you would have done the same thing for us.
Marshall: Yeah, I would and you know why? 'Cause I love you guys and I'm gonna show you just how much: Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky, I bequeath unto you...the Fourth Slap. [Ted and Robin are shocked]

[Marshall and Lily talk about her father's presence at Thanksgiving]
Marshall: [after recounting all the times she flashed the "You're Dead To Me" look at anybody] I supported you with all those random people, but this is your father, Lily. Can't we at least, give him some turkey?
Lily: No.
Marshall: Come on Lily, please. I can't ask the guy to leave on Thanksgiving.
Lily: Oh, you don't have to ask. Just tell him it's really important for him to be here, and before you know it, he'll be at the Board Game Convention in Toledo giving your braces money to some guy claiming to be Milton Bradley.
Marshall: He was just out trying to provide for the family.
Lily: No, no, that's what my mom did by working two jobs. Marshall, that man broke my heart every single day for 20 years.
Marshall: Well, let's just give him some dark meat.

The Window [5.10][edit]

[Ted receives a call]
Ted: Hello?
Old Woman: Hello? Ted Mosby?
Ted: Yes.
Old Woman: The window is open.
Ted: [pause] What?
Old Woman: The Window...is open!
Ted: [hangs up and looks to Marshall] The window is open.
Marshall: What are you waiting for?
Ted: I...I...
Marshall: Run, Ted! RUN!! [Ted runs out of the apartment]
Ted: [to Lily on the sidewalk] Lily, the window is open.
Lily: Make a hole, people! [gets baby cart of bystanders and pushes it forward, sending the bystanders to chase it] Run, Ted! RUN!!

[Ted is trying to end the class early so he could scramble back to MacLaren's for Maggie]
Ted: One very important thing to keep in mind when designing a bridge...[absentmindedly writes MAGGIE on the blackboard]
Louis: Maggie?
Ted: Oh no, I mean, yes, when designing a bridge, always remember [points to writing] Make Adjustments, Go Get It Energized. Good advice for life too.
Betty: [raises hand] So Professor Mosby, is this Maggie someone special?
Ted: No...she's this girl I've been into for a really long time so well, tonight could be the one chance I have to go out with her. [students raise hands and Ted chooses one]
Jamie: Is she hottie?
Ted: Yes Jamie she's very attractive, we can just end this class right now and [Betty raises hand] Betty?
Betty: Maggie may finally be available, but what about you Professor Mosby, are you ready for a serious relationship?
Ted: Totally...I mean I think so, maybe, I don't know, what do you guys think? [students raise hands]

Last Cigarette Ever [5.11][edit]

Barney: I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans — sometimes those two overlap — coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course — wait for it, 'cause Lord knows I have — pregnancy scares.
Ted: Why are you smoking right now?
Barney: I'm always pre-coital, Ted.

Girls Versus Suits [5.12][edit]

[Ted just got a pretty girl away from being invited to a drinking party by three frat guys]
Cindy: I swear, every week, I get invited by some frat guy to a kegger, and I say, "I'm a PhD candidate, and I'm writing a dissertation titled "Foreign Direct Investment and Inter-generational Linkages in Consumption Behavior."
Ted: And what does frat guys say to that?
Cindy: [drawls] 'That's hot.'
Ted: [laughs] ...Actually, that is kinda hot.
Cindy: Ted, I have a confession - I recognize you. Do you remember your first class last semester? Econ 305.
Future Ted: Kids, you remember the wrong classroom story. I thought it was Architecture 101, but it was Econ 305. Of course, I didn't know that your mother was in that class...and she thought I was a complete idiot.
Cindy: I thought you were a complete idiot - but a very cute idiot.
Ted: So um, do you ever date cute idiots?
Cindy: Almost exclusively.

[Barney tries to hit on MacLaren's female bartender, Karina, as he sees her warmly receive other guys]
Barney: Hey.
Karina: [curtly] What do you want?
Barney: Drop the act, baby doll, daddy needs a- [realizes what she just said] Wait, whaaat?
Karina: Are you gonna order a drink, or are you just gonna stand there looking stupid?
Barney: [caught off-guard] Um...
Karina: I don't know how to make an 'Um'. Is that equal parts vodka and get the hell out of my face? [cheerfully, at another guy] Hey, Bobby! What do you want?

Jenkins [5.13][edit]

[Jenkins tries to apologize to Marshall at the GNB board room]
Jenkins: There you are. I'm so sorry I kissed you yesterday.
Marshall: That's OK.
Jenkins: And I'm sorry I had sex with you in the mailroom.
Marshall: That wasn't me.
Jenkins: Oh, good grief, that's two awkward conversations I have to have today.

[Jenkins has just apologized to Lily at MacLaren's for kissing Marshall. Lily is gradually taking off her scarf and earrings.]
Jenkins: For what it's worth, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. [takes Lily's sudden punch and lies crumpled on the floor]
Lily: Kiss my husband? MY HUSBAND?!?! Nobody kisses my future baby daddy but me!!! [proceeds to pummel Jenkins while Marshall tries to get closer]
Barney: [trying to take picture of fight] Marshall, you're blocking the shot!

Perfect Week [5.14][edit]

[Barney imagines being interviewed by Jim Nantz]
Jim Nantz: Hello friends, every sport has had an icon who transcends the game. Boxing had Ali, basketball had Jordan, and the sport of sleeping with random hotties has my next guest, Mr. Barney Stinson. Barney, welcome.
Barney: [shakes hands] Thanks Jim, great to be back on the show.
Jim: Good to have you with us, and you know the stats that really speak for themselves - over 200 women, spanning six continents, 17 nationalities, 74 sexual positions, and not a single fatty. It's impressive. With all of these accomplishments though, there's one laurel that has eluded you...which brings us to last week. What's the story there?
Barney: Buckle up, Jimbo, this one's a doozie.

[Wendy the Waitress calls a take out order]
Wendy The Waitress: Take out order for Cook Pu. We have a Number Two over here for Cook Pu.
Ted: [stunned, to gang] You guys got Wendy saying it now? Come on, like, I get it, Cook Pu is a stupid name and it gets stupider and stupider the more you say it. Cook Pu Cook Pu Cook Pu!
Cook Pu: [embarassed] Here. [Ted looks at her as Wendy gives her her order]

Rabbit or Duck [5.15][edit]

[The gang teases Robin over Don]
Robin: [angry] No, I hate Don. I-I-I can't stop thinking about how much I hate him. It's like all the time. I just want to attack him and rip his stupid clothes off, and start spanking him with his little paddle until his bum's all red. Shut up! [walks to bar]

[Ted has just asked Marshall and Lily to set him up with a potential wife]
Marshall: You want us to arrange your marriage?
Ted: Absolutely! Look, there are two sides to dating - picking and getting picked. Getting picked I'm good at. Ladies love Teddy Westside.
Marshall: You're waiting for me to comment on your 'self-assigned nickname.' [Pause] Well here's my comment: I LOVE IT!
Ted: Really?
Marshall: Teddy Westside? Continue!
Ted: It’s the picking I suck at, I pick the wrong girls! But you guys are the best pickers I know. You picked each other!

Hooked [5.16][edit]

Barney: [to Ted] Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma Girl free-for-all. Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS UP! [Hand up in the air waiting for a high-five from Ted]

Robin: Dude, I'm a girl, OK? Our girl parts are like a spider web; sometimes you're gonna catch stuff you don't want!

Of Course [5.17][edit]

Barney: [About something the happened the previous night] I couldn't be more unhappy! I mean she just walked out. At least when I walk out on a girl I have the common courtesy to sleep with her first. It's-it's called manners!

[Barney visits Robin at the shooting range after Lily reveals to him Robin's post-breakup depression]
Barney: Hey.
Robin: [sees Barney and takes off earplugs, still sad] What's up? Thought you were going on some big date.
Barney: Robin, I know you're upset.
Robin: What? No, I have I've never been happier, and this Anita sounds lovely. I'm so glad that the two of you just randomly happened to find each other. [angry tone] It just warms my frickin' heart! [returns to pistol and fires again without earplugs, deafening Barney. Robin throws away pistol when she's out of rounds and catches breath]
Barney: So you're not upset?
Robin: Of course, I'm upset, Barney. Don't you see how constantly talking about your conquests makes me feel like I'm just another number to you?
Barney: But you're not just another number to me.
Robin: And now, you're taking Anita, who you barely know, on this amazing date, when I never got treated that way. It just, it just sucks, that's all, it just sucks. [pause]
Barney: Wow, I knew I was bad at being a boyfriend, but I had no idea I'd be so much worse at being an ex-boyfriend. I'm sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?
Robin: Nothing, Barney. You've already proven I'm not important.
Barney: Stop that, I'm serious. Ask me for anything.
Robin: Ok, don't sleep with Anita.
Barney: Done.
Robin: Barney, of course you're going to sleep with her. Why else would you be taking her on this superdate?
Barney: She's not going on this superdate, Robin. You are.

Say Cheese [5.18][edit]

[Barney brags about his usual picture pose]
Barney: I always look drop dead, stone-cold amazing...unlike Marshall, who just looks dead, stoned, and cold.

[Marshall is livid that Amanda wrote Lily's age and name wrong in her birthday cake]
Marshall: Forty-second? Does this [gestures to Lily] hot piece of ass look 42 to you? Or does she look like her name is Lori?
Lily: No Marshall, it's okay.
Marshall: No Lily it's not okay! Ted, get this stranger out of my house.
Amanda: I'm so sorry..
Marshall: OUT!! [points thumb at door]

Zoo or False [5.19][edit]

[Barney defines lie]
Barney: A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.

[knock at the door]
Lily: Oh, that's the pizza. Baby, do you have any cash?
Marshall: Oh, you know I, uh, actually I don't, uh, think that I should...have to pay. 'Cause I'm...not a fan of pizza.
[Stunned gasps]
Robin: What?!?
Ted: Marshall, we've driven halfway across the country for a piece of pizza literally hundreds of times.
Lily: I once caught you eating pizza in the shower!
Arthur The Pizza Guy: Marshall, there's a cartoon of you on our coupons.
Barney: I'm not saying Marshall's a guy who likes pizza, but last time he went in for a physical, doctor says 'Marshall you've gotta stop eating pizza.' Marshall says 'Why?' Doc says 'So I can examine you!' But seriously, we kid because we love.
Marshall: All right, look, the reason that I don't have any money on me is because...I got mugged. [long pause] Can somebody please pay Arthur, all right? I'm starving!! [to Arthur, kindly] How's your dad by the way?
Arthur: Better.
Marshall: Good!

Home Wreckers [5.20][edit]

[Ted's mother and her boyfriend, Clint, visits the apartment, but Clint couldn't stop praising Virginia]
Clint: Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman.
Ted: Please don't.

[Ted chances upon Marshall grilling sausages in the decrepit house he just bought]
Ted: How'd you know I was going to be up here?
Marshall: Robin told me. [gives Ted a beer] Happy housewarming.
Ted: But the last time I saw you, I told you I was selling the place.
Marshall: I know what you said, but [walks with Ted to steps of patio] I also know my friend, Ted Mosby. [they sit] Of all the times I told you, "slow down, don't go too fast into things with this girl," you never even listened to me a single damned time. Your heart is both drunk and a kid.
Ted: Thanks for sticking out to me, man.
Marshall: That's what I'd do.
Ted: Can I show you some of the ideas that I have?
Marshall: Yeah. [they stand up and head back to house, where Ted begins to explain everything]
Future Ted: And kids, Marshall was right. I didn't give up on my dream house, because that's the thing about stupid decisions - we all make them, but time is funny and sometimes a little magical. It can take a stupid decision, and turn it into something else entirely. Because kids, as you know, that house...is this house.

Twin Beds [5.21][edit]

Barney: Robin Stinson.
Ted: Robin Mosby.
Barney: Robin Stinson.
Ted: Ted Scherbatsky! I'll take her name, I don't care!
Barney: Okay wait. How about this we share her. I'll take her until she's forty and you can have her after that
Ted: Who are we kidding. She's with Don now. We just have to accept that and move on
Barney: You're right. I'm gonna go to the bathroom and then skid out.

Robots Versus Wrestlers [5.22][edit]

Barney: It's robots versus wrestlers!

Jefferson van Smoot: Young man, that gong is a 500-year-old relic that hasn't been struck since W. S. Gilbert hit it at the London premiere of The Mikado in 1885!
Marshall: [to Barney and Lily] His wife's a 500-year-old relic that hasn't been struck since W. S. Gilbert hit it at the London premiere of The Mikado in 1885! [he and Lily high five]

The Wedding Bride [5.23][edit]

[At the Wedding Bride's wedding scene, a kid kicks Jed Mosely]
Kid: Take that, Ted Mosby!
Ted: Okay, he definitely said it that time.

[Ted is declaring himself to Royce in a movie theater, Barney is in the audience]
Barney: Aww go on honey - kiss him! [audience gasps, Ted stares at him]
Future Ted: Ummm, Uncle Barney didn't say kiss.
Barney: [chanting] Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!
Future Ted: Still not saying 'kiss'.
Usher: Sir, you need to leave. Now!!
Barney: This is outrageous! Who the kiss are you?

Doppelgangers [5.24][edit]

[Marshall and Lily imagine what if they told the gang about their plans for a baby]
Barney: [opens door] You guys bangin'?
Marshall and Lily: Whaaaaaa!
Barney: Just for the record, having a baby? Huge mistake. Now show me what you've got.
Ted: [enters with balloons] Uncle Teddy's here. [Marshall and Lily scream] Quick question. How are you guys going to handle the whole Santa thing? I'm thinking just be honest. Aw, Hell. I'll dress up. [TV turns on, showing Robin. Marshall and Lily scream again]
Robin: This just in... is what Marshall Eriksen is about to say to his wife as he attempts to impregnate her. Chopper 12 is live on the scene with Baby Watch 2010. [Gang sees live footage of helicopter just outside the room's window]

[Robin is stunned that Don accepted a lead anchor job in Chicago - which she turned down earlier]
Don: Put yourself in my shoes. Can you imagine what it's like to have the phone ring and it's your dream job on the other end?
Robin: [teary-eyed] Yes... I can. Good luck in Chicago, Don. [leaves Don's apartment]

Season 6[edit]

Big Days [6.01][edit]

[Barney has just called dibs on a hot girl Ted asked him to make a short glance at. Ted is not amused]
Ted: You can't call dibs on a girl that I've been sitting here thinking about eventually talking to at some point!
Barney: You never called dibs.
Ted: Dibs were implied!
Barney: "Implied" dibs?
Ted: Yeah.
Barney: Ted, you are spitting on the grave of Sir Walter Dibs, inventor of the dib. It was 1652, the SS Dibs was lost at sea-
Ted: I don't have time for a fake history lesson, so I'll keep [points pen at Barney] this simple: You go over there and talk to that girl, I'll see you in court.
Barney: Who's gonna represent you? Dibs-on-Marshall's-my-lawyer!

[Lily's caught by surprise at learning that Marshall's parents will live with them in the baby's first three months]
Lily: You know what, Marshall, why don't you have a baby with your Dad?
Marshall: Oh okay, Lily. Why don't you have a baby with your butt?
Lily: What?
Marshall: AAARGH! [stands up] I can't think straight! Why do you have to wear that shirt? [referring to Lily's shirt showing much cleavage] This is NOT HOW I THOUGHT THIS NIGHT WAS GOING TO GO!

Cleaning House [6.02][edit]

[Inside the Move This truck on the way to Sam Gibbs' house, Ted and Robin discuss how to market him to a blind date.]
Ted: [to Robin typing on Blackberry] Ted Mosby is solid as a rock. No, dependable. No, rugged. No-
Robin: Why don't I go to the Chevy website and copy down the adjectives?
Ted: I just want to hit that perfect middle ground.
Robin: How about if we just go wildly to both extremes and let them balance each other out? [reads message] "Ted Mosby is really handsome but extremely violent and really rich, but lacks bladder control-" [truck hits bump; Ted and Robin are jolted] Oh damn, that last bump just made me hit Send.
Ted: No, no.
Robin: Don't worry, everyone will get it's a joke.
Ted: No they won't, they'll think…wait. Everyone?
[Lily, Marshall, James, and Barney at the cab also received the message]
Barney: [reads message] "Really rich"? [Everyone laughs]

[The gang just saw James finally meet his real dad and Barney acts like he found his father as well]
Lily: Don't worry, we'll snap Barney out of this one when he gets back.
Marshall: Or we could just let him have this one.
Lily: Are you kidding?
Marshall: Guys, Barney's losing his childhood home, he finally admitted Bob Barker's not his dad, and he watched James meet his real father, it's just a lot to go through in one afternoon. Can't we just let the guy be black for a day?

Unfinished [6.03][edit]

[Ted has decided not to take GNB's offer to design the headquarters again]
Lily: But designing a building in New York City is your lifelong dream.
Ted: I do not want to work for GNB again. Those guys are evil. No offense, Marshall.
Marshall: Dude, none taken. Yes, GNB is the Empire from Star Wars, but the Death Star is gonna get built either way, and don't you think the architect of the Death Star is pretty psyched to have that thing on his space resume. I mean, yes, his design was flawed in the sense that he let a single bullet fire into a particular vent that would explode the whole thing...
Ted: For all we know, that was the contractor's fault.
Marshall: ...But that won't happen on your watch, 'cause you're Ted Mosby, and you're gonna design the most beautiful, ventless, Rebel-proof building in Manhattan…with clearly-marked emergency stops for every trash compactor on the detention level.

Ted: [addressing his architecture class] Unfinished. Gaudí to his credit never gave up on his dream, but that’s not usually how it goes. It usually isn’t a speeding bus that keeps the brown pointy church from getting built, most of the time it is too difficult or expensive, or too scary. It’s only once you’ve stopped that you realize how hard it is to start again, so you force yourself not to want it. But it’s always there and until you finish it always will be.

Subway Wars [6.04][edit]

[The gang debates about what the essence of being New Yorkers really is]
Ted: I'd say you're not a real New Yorker until you've stolen a cab from someone who needs it more than you do.
Lily: No, you're not a New Yorker until you've cried on the subway and not given a damn what anyone thinks.
Marshall: No, you're not a real New Yorker until you've killed a cockroach with your bare hand.
Robin: Those rules are all stupid, okay? I've never done any of those things
Future Ted: By the end of this day, Robin would have done all of those things.

[Future Ted is explaining why Barney needed to win the race]
Barney: [excited] And firing half my department freed up the money to double my own salary, and this chick from Boston was wicked hot in bed last night, and I'm getting more muscular, even though I've stopped working out, and I've got this amazing poker group…
Future Ted: [interrupting the story] Actually, Barney did not need a win.

Architect of Destruction [6.05][edit]

[Ted and Barney discuss the GNB headquarters project, which may involve tearing down the classic Arcadian theater]
Barney: Ted, I know you love classic stuff no one cares about, but I'm gonna give you four words to live by: New Is Always Better.
Ted: New is always better?
Barney: Ted, you know who's a million times hotter than the hottest girl I've ever slept with? Her okay-looking friend I haven't seen naked. Why? Because new is always better.

[In Marshall's mind, virtual versions of Lily and Robin watch him and Lily have sex over drinks]
Virtual Lily: Ugh, he thinks I like this [Marshall looks at Virtual Lily] and it feels disgusting.
Virtual Robin: Uh, it looks disgusting.
Marshall: [to Lily] Is this working for you?
Virtual Lily: [mocks Marshall] Is this working for you?
Virtual Robin: Of course, because what woman doesn't like being slobbered on while some giant paws at her nether regions like Lennie from Of Mice and Men?
Virtual Lily: Oh, you're bad!
Virtual Robin: More Cosmos? [share toast]

Baby Talk [6.06][edit]

Robin: Hey.
Barney: Hey!
Robin: Hey. Um, when we were dating, did - did I make you feel needed?
Barney: No, I didn't feel like you needed me at all.
Robin: [sighs] That's what I thought. Uh, I'm sorry. [turns to leave]
Barney: Wait, where are you g- that's a compliment! You're the least needy woman I've ever met. That's awesome! No guy's gonna say "Who's your daddy?" to Robin Scherbatsky; you're your own daddy. And mommy. And weird survivalist uncle who lives in a cabin with a shotgun blaming stuff on the government. And that is what makes you the most amazing, strong, independent woman I've ever banged.

Canning Randy [6.07][edit]

[Goliath National Bank's ad]
Voice-over: What makes Goliath National Bank different from other big banks? Here at GNB, We Care.
Barney: [holding a recycling bin] I care about our precious Earth. [puts in spent soft drink can]
Randy: [opening the door for an old woman] I care about old people.
Arthur Hobbs: I care about high-yield, offshore investments, and so does Tugboat here. Isn't that right, Tugboat? [plays with dog]
Marshall: [at his office, eating salad] Okay, get that camera out of my face before I flip you like a cheese omelet!

[Ted consults Lily about what to do with his students after they walk out, thanks to Zoey. Lily described what she did to Johnny Marley]
Ted: Lily. You're a psychopath.
Lily: Little bit. [to student who gave her a panda drawing] Ah, a panda!
Future Ted: I thought about Lily's advice, and I figured, fear was worth a try. [Ted walks to picket line]
Zoey: Well, Professor Mosby, is there anything you want to say to us?
Ted: [to students] Anyone not in class tomorrow gets an F. [students are shocked]
[at MacLaren's]
Lily: You said that?
Future Ted: Well, technically they'd get an "Incomplete," but I thought "F" had a nice, scary ring to it.

Natural History [6.08][edit]

[Lily sees a College Marshall exhibit and she asks College Marshall to return to her]
College Marshall: You can't have me. Look at the sign. [Lily sees EXTINCT tag at exhibit signage] I'm extinct. I've gone the way of Jane's Addiction.
Lily: Actually, Jane's Addiction got back together.
College Marshall: They did?!
Lily: Yeah, they've done a few tours, they've put out a new album.
College Marshall: Are you serious? That is awesome! Are they just as good?
Lily: [pause] Sure.

[Barney and Robin have just been summoned to the Natural History Museum security office for pulling off pranks. An unexpected revelation about Barney's uncle actually being his father hits him hard.]
Robin: So, when was the last time you saw him?
Barney: It was that day, July 23rd, 1981. My mom got pretty upset he let me destroy a New York City landmark.
Robin: [scoffs] Moms.
Barney: He never came around anymore after that. Think he moved away.
Robin: Well, maybe the security guy had it wrong, you never know-
Barney: You do know, you do know, that's the thing, you know. He's my dad. [long pause]
Robin: Barney, do you wanna-
Barney: [emotionally] I don't wanna do anything. Don't tell anyone about this, okay?

Glitter [6.09][edit]

[At Ted's apartment, Robin has had enough of Lily's baby talk and lets everything out when Lily utters one word too many]
Robin: Oh my God, you're not even pregnant yet!
Lily: What does that supposed to mean?
Robin: It means that a fertilized egg has not yet attached itself to the lining of your uterine wall. You see? I read your Facebook updates. It's like, it's all you ever talk about Lily, and I'm sick of it!
Lily: Well guess what, I got some good news. When that baby comes, you don't have to see it. In fact, you don't have to see me, this whole friendship thing? Done.

[Barney quotes the sign-off phrases of multiple reality TV shows, when telling Ted that he needs to tell Punchy to leave.]
Barney: You are the weakest link, Goodbye. Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art didn’t work for us. Your time's up! I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped.
Ted: OK, yeah I know...
Barney: You've been evicted from the Big Brother house. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Sashay away. Give me your jacket and leave Hell's Kitchen. I'm sorry, you did not get a rose. You have been eliminated from the race. You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model. You're fired. Auf Wiedersehen.

Blitzgiving [6.10][edit]

Ted: Lily, do you have any idea how many people I blindly hated for you?! I hated Renée Zellweger with a burning passion for eight years only to discover you meant Reese Witherspoon!
Lily: Hey! I will hate her until I will get my money back for You, Me and Dupree!
Ted: THAT'S KATE HUDSON!
Lily: Oh yeah…That's who I hate. [to the others] Guys, we hate Kate Hudson.

Zoey: I'm coming with you.
Ted: No…I baste alone.
Zoey: Oh, I'm sure you're a master baster, Ted.

The Mermaid Theory [6.11][edit]

Ted: Hey guys, Zoey just told me about this great Frank Lloyd Wright retrospective, who's in?
Lily: Sorry, I'm ummmm…I don't know, washing my hair.
Marshall: Running the water.
Robin: Holding the towel.
Barney: I'll be home trying to get over the fact that no one invited me to the big hair washing party.

[Ted meets The Captain on his boat]
Ted: Where's Zoey?
The Captain: Well, I'm afraid she's feeling under the weather. Guess it's just you, me, and six hours in frigid international waters.
Ted: Or we could stay in dry land, hang out with some witnesses?

False Positive [6.12][edit]

[Barney makes a proposition to Sam Gibbs]
Barney: I'm thinking about giving some of my money to charity.
Sam Gibbs: Is that the name of the stripper you're emailing me about? You gotta take me off the list, Barney.
Barney: No I don't mean that Charity. That Charity is doing Peachy. You'll see pics of the two of them in next week’s e-mail. What up? [poses for a high-five]
Gibbs: Barney, I'm a minister. Unsubscribe.

[Ted has just smashed his gingerbread house because Marshall said that after the pregnancy false alarm, he and Lily want a dog]
Ted: [to Marshall and Lily] Are you kidding me?!? All you ever talk about is having kids, and now you have one little freakout, you want to get a dog instead? No, unacceptable! You're gonna turn around, go home, get naked, lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child! Right now. [couple still look at him] I'M SERIOUS, GO GO GO!
Barney: [after seeing the two leave, murmuring to Robin] Marshall and Lily got in trouble…
Ted: And YOU! Barney, you look real stupid in that suit. You're gonna get your money back and give it to charity - and I don't mean that stripper you keep emailing us about even though we begged you to take us off that list.
Barney: I can't give this suit back. Ted, I glow in the dark. I finally glow in the dark.
Ted: [shouts] Criminals of New York, attention! This man is wearing a diamond-encrusted suit, you could retire on the pants alone. Merry Christmas! [Barney runs away and Ted confronts Robin]
Robin: So if I get a large popcorn, would you go split-ski -
Ted: And you, you did not move into the greatest city on Earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo. [takes out coin] So, here's how it goes - Heads, you take the job at Worldwide News. Tails, you take the job at Worldwide News. [flips coin into Robin's face] Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!

Bad News [6.13][edit]

[Robin is introduced to World Wide News' anchor, who is very familiar]
WWN Employee: Robin, this is -
Sandy Rivers: Robin!
WWN Employee: You two know each other?
Rivers: Know each other? We've had sex! [employees are aghast]

[Lily tries to talk to Marshall about him not being fertile]
Lily: Okay, now you're being ridiculous. An hour ago, you didn't even think there was a problem.
Marshall: I was just putting on a brave face. Think about it - we've had unprotected sex 203 times in the past four months. [high-fives Lily] Obviously, I'm the problem.
Barney: Problem? You can't get a girl pregnant — that's the dream! I'd give my first-born to not be able to have children.

Last Words [6.14][edit]

[At the Eriksen wake, a man approaches Robin.]
Man: I, uh, I hear you're a woman who can get things.
Robin: I've been known to locate certain objects from time to time.
Man: I need vodka and dirty playing cards.
Robin: [looks around] I gotcha. [leaves with man]

[Marshall is incensed because his father's last message to him appears to be a pocket dial.]
Marshall: You guys don't get it, okay? None of you do. My dad was my hero. And he was my teacher…and he was my best friend. He always came through for me…and now he's just gone. And what am I left with? [holds up his phone with scratchy electronic sounds; looks to sky] Thanks a lot, God. Thank You! You took my father…the greatest man that I have ever known, and You whipped him off this Earth way too young! [to Lily] And he'll never get to meet our kids, Lily. But we got this voicemail. [to the sky] Thank You so much for the voicemail. It's a great comfort! 'Cause whenever I'm starting to feel lonely, or sad or, you know what, maybe a little bit cheated, at least I have the sound of his pocket to console me.
Lily: Marshall…
Marshall: How is this fair? An entire human life, and it just ends for no reason, and what are we left with? [phone cracks in]
Marvin Eriksen: Marshall? Looks like I've been calling you for almost five minutes. How's my pocket sound? [laughs] Oh, sorry about that, buddy. Anyway, your mom and I had such a great time seeing you. I love you. [hangs up]

Oh Honey [6.15][edit]

[Ted is trying to narrate his story to Marshall over the phone about him dropping Zoey as a friend, however…]
Judy Eriksen: [listening in on another phone] Marshall, I'm going to Byerly's, you want anything?
Marshall: Mom, get off the phone!
Marcus Eriksen: [from yet another phone] Could you get some more Bugles, please?
Judy Eriksen: Of course, dear.
Marshall: Marcus, hang up! Both of you, HANG UP! And we need ice cream.

[At Honey's place, Barney and Honey are ready to get it on]
Barney: Who's your daddy?
Honey: [laughs] Who's your daddy?
Barney: [shaky voice] I...don't...KNOW!!! [breaks down]

Desperation Day [6.16][edit]

[Barney explains the origins of Desperation Day]
Barney: Loneliness...the looming specter of Valentine's Day fast approaching...the two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year - February 13th, Desperation Day.
Robin: That's not a thing.
Barney: It's a thing. Much like Valentine's Day itself, Desperation Day dates back thousands of years. [Visualizes Roman-era wedding] Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so St. Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death.
Ted: [impressed] That's actually true.
Barney: Wait. There's more.
Ted: This won't be.
Barney: And right by St. Valentine's side was his best bro, St. Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids.
[Cut to fantasy scene with Barney as St. Desperatius and Ted as St. Valentine. Desperatius sees woman who looks like Robin.]
St. Desperatius: Whoa! Check out that one, her body is a perfect X.
St. Valentine: Player! Play on! High V. [high-fives]
Woman: Oh Jupiter! What are your plans for me? Fifteen and still unmarried.
St. Desperatius: And I thought Pompeii was smoking. [woman smiles]
Barney: Every woman wants a date on Valentine's Day. That neediness reaches its climax - what up - on February 13th. A magical night, when a ten has the self-esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a two.

[Lily has had enough of Marshall being cooped up in the Eriksen house since the funeral, and Ted's presence does not help.]
Lily: Marshall, I'm going home.
Marshall: [pauses from game session with Ted, comes to Lily] What?
Lily: I'm flying out tonight before the big storm, and I want you to come with me.
Marshall: I can't right now, 'cause my mom needs me.
Lily: Well, I guess it's been helpful for her for you to be here playing Super Mario Kart for 14 hours a day…
Ted: [surprised] You have Super Mario Kart!?
Marshall: Hell, yeah. [points to cartridge. Ted gets it and loads into the SNES]
Lily: …but your mom doesn't need you. Your life in New York needs you, it needs you really bad.
Marshall: Baby, don't go.
Lily: [kisses Marshall and leaves] Please come home soon.

Garbage Island [6.17][edit]

[At his study, The Captain talks to Ted about Zoey leaving him for another man]
The Captain: Once upon a time, Zoey and I were happy, blissful as Arcadian shepherds. I was Poseidon, she my Amphitrite. I dare say, not even Scylla and Charybdis could not have torn us asunder. We had great big boners for each other! But then, enter the scoundrel. [imagines scene of Zoey watching horror movie with half-naked thick moustached version of Ted]
Zoey: Oh man, this movie is scary.
Scoundrel Ted: I know, right?
The Captain: I don't know who he is, but I pictured him with a mustache.
Ted: Limit the search to guys with mustaches. Smart.
The Captain: Anyway, soon the inevitable happened. She told me she was in love with someone else. Obviously, it made me angry.
Ted: And the, that was the last time you saw her...
The Captain: ...but I gathered my composure and told her I'd do anything to keep her. I begged her not to leave. We made love that night -
Ted: [spits out drink] It's damned good brandy.

Barney: [refusing to acknowledge his feelings for Nora] I don't get smitten, I smite!

A Change of Heart [6.18][edit]

[during Nora's date with Barney]
Nora: Barney, what I'm about to say is gonna sound a little weird, but, I'm think I'm starting to like you, so I have to say it.
Barney: Well, for what it's worth, I'm not easily shocked...unless you dump water on me, 'cause I'm [gestures to his heart monitor and mimics electrocution]... what is it?
Nora: I wanna get married. Not tonight, or even to you necessarily, but that's what I want, and if that's gonna scare you off, I'd rather it scare you off now. I want a family, I want to live in a house, with a garden with a tree for kids to climb. I want to go to sleep every night with the same person by my side, and wake up next to him in the morning - every morning - for the rest of my life. Just thought you should know that.

[Ted, Marshall and Lily alert Robin that Scooby's missing from the apartment]
Ted: Robin! Hey, remember Scooby? Well, he got out.
Robin: Got out? What do you mean?
Ted: He just walked right out of the apartment. Someone must've left the door open.
Marshall: It wasn't me.
Lily: Me neither. [gasps] He must have figured out how to open it himself!
Ted: He's so smart, we should get him on Letterman doing tricks!
Marshall: I know Paul Schaefer's sandwich guy. This can happen.

Legendaddy [6.19][edit]

[flashback to Robin and her marine biologist boyfriend]
Scott: This really sucks but I'm gonna be at the North Pole for the next three months.
Robin: [sarcastically] Seriously? The North Pole? Okay pal, if you wanna break up with me, just tell it to me straight, don't pretend you're going someplace we all know doesn't exist. [laughs]
Scott: Um, I'm gonna be studying the mating habits of-
Robin: Of who, Santa's elves? Rudolph? You know what, I'm going on a trip too, Scott. It, uh, starts in Narnia, works it's way up to Candyland, and then hey, congratulate me, I'm the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher at Hogwarts. Expelliarmus!
Scott: Robin, the North Pole is a real place, you know that right?
Robin: ...So, you wanna get pizza later or-
Scott: I think we should break up.

[Jerome "Jerry" Whittaker sees Barney try to dismantle a basketball hoop over his driveway]
Jerry: Barney, what is going on?
Barney: This is mine.
Jerry: I don't understand.
Barney: JJ gets a childhood, a dad, a real family, and a basketball hoop? No, no, I at least get the hoop, I'm taking it with me.
Jerry: Please, just come down and talk to me.
Barney: Why? Why should I? You're lame, okay? You're just some lame, suburban dad.
Jerry: Why does that make you so mad?
Barney: Because if you were gonna be some [agitated] lame, suburban dad, why couldn't you have been that for me!?!?
Jerry: Barney, I know I screwed up.
Barney: Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even begin to describe what I've been through-
Jerry: I know, I know, I KNOW! I want to fix this and I don't know how! Please, tell me what I can do! I'll do anything! [Barney continues trying to remove the hoop, Jerry briefly goes back inside and returns with a tool box] You'll never get it down like that. [gives screwdriver to Barney, who hits hoop with it like a hammer] No, Barney, Barney! Put the pointy end into the grooves. That's it, now turn it. Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey. [Barney begins unscrewing] I have no good excuse, Barney. It took me years before I was even able to look myself in the mirror for the way I let you down. It took courage to send me that letter. More courage than I've ever had. I owe you a lifetime of apologies, and I, I just... I have no idea where to begin.

The Exploding Meatball Sub [6.20][edit]

[At JFK Airport, Ted and Lily have just picked up a professor for Marshall's fundraiser. Ted suddenly sees Lily about to enter the terminal with some luggage]
Ted: Wait what do you mean you're going to Spain?
Lily: You were right. If I hear myself say "Baby, you have my full support" one more time, I swear, I'm gonna murder someone! [Nearby DHS agents look at her]
Ted: [sees the agents looking in their direction] When are you going to tell Marshall, and when are you coming back?
Lily: I honestly haven't thought it all the way through and don't intend to. All I know is, I'm a ticking timebomb [agents look their way again] and if I don't do something for me right away, I swear I'm gonna explode!
Ted: [looking at agents] Wow, that's a very evocative metaphor to use for your non-threatening, totally patriotic emotions. [sees agents walk away, one of whom is making a radio call] U-S- OK, I get it. Marshall's been asking a lot lately, but the thing to do is to say you've had enough.
Lily: I've never been good at that, and now, ever since his dad died, I feel it's my job to just be fine with anything, but I'm not. I'm not fine with guests at our apartment for a giant fundraiser, or thinking about how are we going to pay our bills, or apparently, we've given up trying to have kids.
Ted: Lily…
Lily: I'm sorry Ted, I just got to do this. [heads to terminal]

[The gang sees Barney at his deathbed in 2021]
Robin: You're too young, it's unfair!
Marshall: We're not going anywhere buddy, we're staying with you right up till the end.
Barney: Thank you Marshall. [coughs] Marshall, can I ask for one final favour, my friend?
Marshall: Yes, yes, of course, anything.
Barney: Eat this meatball sub. [offers wrapped sub]
Marshall: Where did you get this-
Barney: [winces in pain] I don't have much time!!!
Marshall: [unwrapping sub] Yes yes, of course, of course. [prepares to bite] Does this have some sort of meaning? [meatball sub explodes in his face]
Barney: [gets out of bed and laughs menacingly] I'm not sick, you idiots. I've racked up $30,000 of uninsured medical bills for symptoms I don't even have. Totally worth it! You should see the look on your face. Oh, wait, you can't-- 'cause it's covered in marinara sauce!
Ted: Uh, Barney, you got a little marinara on your pajamas.
[Barney looks at his pajamas and stops laughing; his face decomposes itself]

Hopeless [6.21][edit]

[The gang is at MacLaren's Bar with Jerry trying to figure out which club to go to]
Barney: Let's see, what club should we hit first? There's Club Was, there's Wrong
Marshall: Um, those places shut down a long time ago.
Barney: Oh no.
Marshall: Oh No shut down too.
Ted: There's Where.
Jerry: Where's Where?
Lily: Where's where Was was, isn't it?
Barney: No, Was wasn't where Where was. Was was where Wrong was, right?
Jerry: Okay…
Ted: Not Okay. That place is lame.
Robin: Okay is Lame? I thought Lame was a gay bar. Or is that Wrong?
Marshall: That's wrong. That's Not Wrong.
Barney: Guys, focus.
Robin: Oh, I like Focus, let's go there.
Ted: Where?
Robin: Not Where, Focus.
Lily: I thought Focus was closed.
Barney: No, Was was Closed. Once Was shut down, it reopened as Closed.
Marshall: So Closed is open.
Robin: No, Closed is closed.
Jerry: I don't know. Third base, right?!
Robin: Ew, Third Base is all frat guys.
Lily: I'll go any place, okay?
Ted: Not Okay. Okay is lame.
Robin: Okay is not Lame. Lame is a gay bar.
Lily: Guys, shut up.
Barney: No, Shut Up shut down. I can't believe I don't know the clubs anymore.
Marshall: Guys, just pick a club, okay?
Ted: Not Okay!
All: Okay is Lame! Gay bar!
Marshall: For the record, um, I was in there once by accident. I'm pretty sure it's pronounced Lamé.
Barney: It's Hopeless, isn't it?
[cut to the group at a club called Hopeless]

[Barney talks to his father about how he settled down and how his life had been]
Barney: When I think about going for anything more than that, I look at my life and who I am. I'm too far gone. I'm broken.
Jerry: [looks back at Barney] Son, I was far more broken than you'll ever be...and look at me now. Don't get me wrong, settling down is a challenge - it's the biggest challenge of your life.
Barney: So how do you do it?
Jerry: A magician never reveals his greatest trick, but I'll give you a hint: you got to meet the right girl. Who knows, maybe you'll meet her tomorrow.
Barney: Maybe I've met her already.

The Perfect Cocktail [6.22][edit]

[Robin explains what Barney turns into when he drinks peppermint schnapps]
Barney: [at bar kissing women in the lips a la Richard Dawson] Hey there, Darling … how you doing? … is this your sister? … Beautiful! [goes to gang's booth]
Ted: Hey, where are our chicken wings?
Barney: Show me chicken wings! [gestures to Carl, who gives the wings to waitress]
Robin: Good order, Ted!!!! [gang cheers]

[At bar, Robin and Lily order gin for Barney and Marshall to start a fight between them, and the effects kick in]
Barney: Do you know what I had to go through to get you that job?
Marshall: Do you know what I had to do to will myself to show up everyday?
Barney: Wear a wrinkled suit and not give a damn about what you hair looked like?
Marshall: [infuriated] I showed up with wet hair once! ONCE!

Landmarks [6.23][edit]

[Ted is roused by someone from his bed and is startled at who it is]
Ted: Barney, what are you doing here?
Barney: [in aristocratic voice] Who is this Barney? My name is John Clifford Larrabee, architect of the Arcadian, and I'm visiting you, in a dreeeeaam.
Ted: Really, because it looks like my insane friend rented a costume and broke into my apartment in the middle of the night for what I wish was the first time.
Barney: [normal voice] It's a dream, it is, so… [assumes aristocratic voice again] Theodore, do not try to save the Arcadian.
Ted: Barney, there's condoms in the drawer, just take it and get out-
Barney: I am not Barney!!! [activates flickering lights]
Ted: Whoo, lighting change!

[The Landmark Preservation Commission has come to a decision regarding the Arcadian]
Commission Chairman: Last night, this committee came to a vote, and while we've all felt from the very beginning that the Arcadian was, well, an eyesore, Mr Mosby's surprising testimony about the lion's head stonework left us with no choice but to declare it a landmark. [Zoey's camp applauds] But then, something else happened last night. That same lion's head stonework…disappeared, [audience is agape in shock] so it makes our job easier. Motion denied. [bangs gavel]

Challenge Accepted [6.24][edit]

[Ted and Barney are arguing over who will press the Arcadian detonator, and Robin will have none of it.]
Robin: [cutting in partway through the argument] Guys, I dated you both, and neither of you is good at pressing or even finding "the button". After some awkward pawing around, that building is gonna fake an implosion, say, "Baby, that was great" and go to sleep.
Ted and Barney: [to each other] She means you.

[Marshall has arrived home from his job interview.]
Lily: Hey baby, how'd it go?
Marshall: Lily, this year, this nasty schoolyard bully of a year will not stop punching me in the face. How did we kick off 2011? My dad died. And now, after five months of unemployment, I just blew my dream job. Good news is, in a few seconds, I'm gonna start heaving my guts out because that's what life is to me now: just losing what's inside until I'm just empty.
Lily: Baby, come here.
Marshall: I just want to shut my eyes for a few seconds before it starts.
[Marshall goes to his bedroom and lies down.]
Future Ted: And Marshall slept…[the set darkens and then lights up again] All night.
[Marshall wakes up to find out that he hadn't gotten sick at all. In a later scene, Lily comes into the room]
Marshall: Lily, it's a miracle! I didn't get sick! I-I-I didn't get sick.
Lily: I know, baby. [reveals a pregnancy tester in her hands] ...I'm pregnant.

Season 7[edit]

The Best Man [7.01][edit]

[Having failed a play on a girl, Barney tries some 'customer feedback']
Barney: Wait, before you go, please answer the following survey so I could better bang you in the future. What didn't work for you about this play? Did you A. not believe that I was a Guinness Book World Record holder, or B. did the fingernails gross you out? [shows long fingernails]

[At Punchy and Kelly's wedding, a drunken Marshall stands up for Ted because his best man toast is often mocked and lets it out at some Finnish guests]
Marshall: This isn't a meltdown. These are tears of joy. Ted is happy for his friends. 'Cause he's the best guy that I know and you know why he's happy? Because this [gestures to Lily] beautiful lady right here is pregnant.
Kelly: [reacts because she was sitting behind Lily and thought Marshall was referring to her] How did you know that? That was supposed to be a secret!

The Naked Truth [7.02][edit]

[In coming clean to Nora, Barney explains every lie he's ever made to seduce a woman]
Nora: OK, let's skip ahead. What's the worst one? The lowest of the low? The crème de la creepy?
Barney: Oh, I once pulled the Soul Man. There was this beautiful girl who only dated black guys- [black woman at next booth overhears and looks in their direction]
Woman: Barnelle!?! Ooh, I knew it! [walks out]

[Ted is undecided on his Architect's Ball date]
Ted: I can't decide. They're both awesome.
Robin: If only architects had two balls, right, Ted?
[Ted looks at Robin, disgusted]
Lily: I got this. Ted, [extends fists] left or right?
Ted: Yes, yes, great idea. Let the fates decide, huh? [speaks while alternating fists] I will pick left. [Lily slaps him]
Lily: Just call one of 'em!

Ducky Tie [7.03][edit]

Ted: Oh, guess who I ran into [at the Architect's Ball]. A girl from my past. Any guesses?
Lily: Stella.
Barney: Zoey.
Marshall: Karen?
Lily: The girl who beat you up.
Barney: The girl who ruined a photo with Slash!
Marshall: The girl who made you get the butterfly tattoo?
Ted: You make it sound like I dated a series of Stieg Larsson novels.

[Having discovered that Victoria hooked up with Klaus within two days of breaking up with Ted, Ted begins licking the dishes he just cleaned for her]
Victoria: [gasps] Okay, fine. Just let yourself off the hook on a technicality! Forget the fact that you did cheat on me!
Ted: Forget it? I will never forget it! Okay? I will never stop regretting it, because what we had meant that much to me! I just…I wish it had meant something to you, too.
Victoria: Are you kidding? I loved you.
Ted: Did you?
Victoria: Yes. We had such an amazing time together.

The Stinson Missile Crisis [7.04][edit]

[One of Robin's colleagues, Patrice, is getting mushy at Barney's displays of affection for Nora]
Patrice: [commenting on Barney serenading Nora with his When A Man Loves A Woman rendition] He's so dreamy..
Robin: NOBODY ASKED YOU, PATRICE!!!!

[Having decided to apologize to Lily for interfering in her pregnancy, Ted and Marshall leave the birthing class]
Class Instructor: Dads, this is the time I'll answer every question you've ever had about vaginas.
Marshall: [overhears instructor almost out of the door] Damn it! [Ted ushers him out]

Field Trip [7.05][edit]

[Marshall confronts Garrison Cootes over the piddly settlement from Gruber Pharmaceuticals]
Marshall: Listen, I've been thinking a lot about what you said yesterday on how we all are going to die.
Cootes: Oh, I'm not gonna die. I've bought a mine shaft in Colorado. I spent the past six months stocking it with canned goods, assault rifles, and all five seasons of Friday Night Lights.
Marshall: First of all, you can skip season 2. Second of all, after our talk, I came pretty close to giving up myself, but then I went to the doctor with my wife, and I saw this. [shows Garrison ultrasound footage on laptop]
Cootes: Boy or girl?
Marshall: I don't know, but I know I sure as hell can't give up now. So if you're looking for someone to hold one end of the limbo stick, you got the wrong guy. You know why?
Cootes: 'Cause you're three feet taller than everyone in this office?
Marshall: No, because if I'm going to work here, then first thing tomorrow, I'm going down to Gruber Pharmaceuticals and rejecting our offer - even if I have to do it myself.

[Barney tries to call Nora on her actual age]
Barney: I know you're old, and I've been struggling with it, but when I look at you, and I don't care, because I really like you...and because for 37, you're keeping it really tight!
Nora: You think I'm 37?
Barney: If you were actually 29, then you would have been a little kid the first time you saw the Ewoks, and you would have loved them.
Nora: Barney, I never saw any of the Star Wars movies until last year.
Barney: You...you're 29?! [embraces Nora] You still have one good year left -
Nora: [Surprised] What?
Barney: Nothing...[kisses Nora]

Mystery Vs History [7.06][edit]

[Robin reflects on her 14th birthday gift, which turns out to be a long trek in the woods and she is being airdropped]
Robin: I wanna go home, daddy!
Robin Sr: [points out woods] That direction is nothing but wolves. Forty kilometers that way is a mining town called Smithers. I'd rather take my chances with the wolves. [hands Robin a Swiss knife] I'll see you in three days.
Robin: But what am I supposed to eat?
Robin Sr: You got a knife! The forest is full of animals, what do you want, a buffet? [drops off Robin]
Robin: Papa!!!!!
Robin Sr: Happy Birthday, son!!

[Marshall has given Barney a card where the gender of his and Lily's baby is written. Robin sees it too]
Marshall: [seeing them giggle] This may have been a mistake.
Barney: [looks at Marshall] Boy...do I like babies!
Robin: Girl...friend, your hair looks fantastic!
Barney: Twins...was the feel-good movie of 1988.

Noretta [7.07][edit]

[Kevin is not too pleased about Robin massaging Ted on what should be their date night]
Future Ted: Now Kevin, as a trained psychologist, knew the appropriate way to voice his displeasure...
Kevin: I think we need to calmly discuss the relationship dynamics at play here. I'm uncomfortable with how close you two are as roommates, given your particular romantic history.
Future Ted: Instead, he took a different approach...
Kevin: Oh Hell NO! If you want a date with my girlfriend, I don't have to wear pants in your apartment! [unbuttons pants, revealing boxers]

[Marshall and Lily freak out because the other acts like their own fathers]
Lily: AHHHH, I can't go through with this!
Marshall: Thank God, me neither.
Lily: You're too much like my dad.
Marshall: You're too much like my dad!
Lily: [surprised] Your dad??

The Slutty Pumpkin Returns [7.08][edit]

[Barney has just sipped a drink to drown the fact that he has Canadian blood]
Barney: This is nice. What is this?
Waitress: Canadian whiskey.
Barney: [Spits out drink] I want Scotch...American Scotch, from Scotland! Just get that swill away from me! [hands back glass to waitress and makes cat-like hiss; to Robin] Why are you doing this to me?
Robin: You've been ripping on Canada since Justin Bieber was knee-high to a snowblower, so now this Canuck's gonna be on you like the drummer from the Yukon Blondes, high up on Timbits.

[Naomi, the Slutty Pumpkin, has mutually agreed with Ted to end their relationship]
Naomi: Ted, I've been looking for the hot Hanging Chad for the last nine Halloweens. I've waded through a parade of Big Lebowskis, Harry Potters, Antoine Dodsons and the jackass who always dresses as laundry.
Ted: I hate that guy.
Naomi: That's why when I finally found you... it was hard to let go. Goodbye, Ted. [offers handshake, but Ted tries to hug her.] Let's not touch, ever.
Ted: Probably a good idea. [Naomi leaves]

Disaster Averted [7.09][edit]

[Ted tries to convince the gang to leave New York ahead of Hurricane Irene]
Ted: Guys, luckily you're friends with a former Boy Scout, who is always...
Robin: Unpopular.
Lily: Beaten up.
Barney: Going to movies with his mom.
Ted: A Boy Scout is always prepared.
Robin: Prepared to spend lunch in his locker.
Marshall: Prepared to die a virgin.
Barney: Prepared to paint his sister's nails..
Ted: Prepared for emergencies. That's why a week ago, when Irene was a tropical depression...
Robin: You're a tropical depression.

[Barney has offered Marshall another slap so he can take off his ducky tie]
Lily: Don't let him tempt you, baby.
Marshall: I don't know baby, we have a baby on the way, an extra slap would come in handy.

Tick, Tick, Tick... [7.10][edit]

[Aboard Sandy Rivers' cruise, Robin and Barney couldn't find the strength to tell Kevin and Nora about sleeping together again]
Robin: As soon as we dock, I'm taking Kevin to the ER. God, I wish last night never happened.
Barney: I don't.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: What if this whole thing isn't the whole story of how we made a horrible mistake and ruined our relationships? What if it's the story of how we got back together?
Robin: Okay, I'm gonna ask you one last time: is this what you want?
Barney: It's what we both want. Why else are we rushing to tell them what we did - on a boat? That is a terrible idea.
Robin: Barney, we tried this, and we failed! Why try again?
Barney: Because I haven't stopped thinking about you and you haven't stopped thinking about me.
Robin: I'm such a mess. Why do you even like me?
Barney: [long pause] I guess, because you're as messed up as I am.

[Marshall and Ted have an epiphany for apparently missing the entire Groovaplooza show]
Marshall: I'm sorry, Ted. I still want to have fun, but want to be a good husband and father too. Just not enough time, you know.
Ted: I know, it all goes by so damn fast you know.
Marshall: We're getting old. [sees Lily] Lily! [hugs her] I'm so sorry that we ruined our night.
Lily: What are you talking about? You've been gone for less than two minutes!

The Rebound Girl [7.11][edit]

[Marshall talks to Lily about selling the house she inherited from her grandparents]
Marshall: Baby, your grandparents gave you this house outright. The way I see it, we have five options: number one, sell it. Number two, year-round haunted house. Three, giant fence around the perimeter. Chimp sanctuary, there's a swing around the backyard. Four, we destroy it with sledgehammers. I like four.
Lily: Or five, we move in, raise our children, make this our family home.
Marshall: 'Till they graduate, and we destroy it with sledgehammers....as a family.

[Barney talks to Robin, who just locked herself up at a bathroom]
Barney: Are we still friends?
Robin: Hope so.
Barney: Good. [sits on bathtub] 'Cause get this, Ted almost adopted a baby. [scoffs] Crazy, right? Poor guy's going through some stuff. He actually tried to rope me into it. Can you imagine me being someone's dad?
Robin: I'm pregnant. [Barney, non-plussed, looks at Robin]

Symphony of Illumination [7.12][edit]

[Barney chances upon his old bro, Insane Dwayne, at a baby goods shop]
Barney: I can't believe I haven't seen you around.
Insane Dwayne: Well after Sheila and I had that...quickie, my life's been playdates, preschool, and poop. I haven't set foot in a bar in years.
Barney: You stopped drinking?
Insane Dwayne: Oh, I still drink.

[Robin has just brushed Ted off from spending Christmas with him, and goes for a walk]
Robin: So kids, I settled in for Christmas alone. I appreciated that Ted wanted to cheer me up, but honestly, it wasn't necessary. So I can't have kids. [scoffs] Big deal, this way, there's no one to hold me back in life, no one to keep me from traveling when I wanna travel, no one getting in the way of my career. If you wanna know the truth of it, I'm glad you guys aren't real. [Kids and couch fade away to snow] Real glad.

Tailgate [7.13][edit]

[Lily is frustrated that her father paid little attention over the phone that she was pregnant]
Marshall: Hey baby, I'm sorry. I want our kid to believe that the universe is magical, you know, like my dad taught me.
Lily: You know what my dad taught me? Nothing, 'cause he was never there. [grabs Marshall's Enigmas of the Mystical book and makes a fake reading] June 22nd, 1996. Brooklyn, New York: A man misses his daughter's high-school graduation. Later, she discovers that his babysitting money has been spent on a game called "Who Stole the Babysitting Money?" He never saw the irony in that. December 31st, 2011: A woman calls her father to tell him she's pregnant. He says "Great. Thanks," and hangs up on her.
Marshall: ...and after pushing her to call him, "I am a Bigfoot" is discovered in her husband's mouth.
Lily: I'm glad you're a believer baby, but I'm never gonna believe in an enigma of the mystical if I don't see it with my own eyes. Truth is, my father never taught me to believe in anything ... but myself.
Marshall: Well, if it helps at all, I believe in you too.
Lily: There's a pretty good chance I don't exist.

[with the failure of Puzzles, Ted, Barney, Kevin, and Doug watch the New Year's Eve countdown]
Barney: Oh my God...
Robin: [speaking on broadcast] This is Robin Scherbatsky filling in for Sandy Rivers. You know, America, tonight I've been groped, stepped in puke, and until ten minutes ago, I had no idea I'd be on national television...
Kevin: [smiles] That's my girl.
Robin: ...but that's the magic of New Year's. When that clock strikes midnight, we all get a fresh start. and I don't know about you, but I could really use one. And that magic moment starts in ten. [starts countdown]

46 Minutes [7.14][edit]

[Marshall has become fed up with Lily's father pushing them around in their own house]
Marshall: That's it, Mickey. Since you got here, you've been nothing but judgmental, pushy, and strangely obsessed with your adolescent sex life. Tomorrow morning, you're out of here.
Mickey Aldrin: Well, I'm just trying to help-
Marshall: We don't need your help!!!

[Ted, Robin, Barney, and Kevin just escaped a poker game with some Russians]
Better Lily: We go to party at slaughterhouse. You come?
Robin: [thought] Please God, no!
Barney: [thought] Don't let me be in charge of the gang anymore.
New Marshall: [thought] I can't believe that Kevin doesn't remember me from our sessions three years ago.
Kevin: [thought] Is that the lunatic who stabbed all those prison guards?

The Burning Beekeeper [7.15][edit]

Barney: Come on Robin, it's my penis we're talkin' about! You've seen her, she's magnificent!
Robin: She?
Barney: Every penis is a girl Robin. Everyone knows that, like ships...and lake monsters.

[Ted and Robin talk about his confrontational skills]
Robin: I disagree. It's like Sun Tzu said, "Never give up. Never surrender."
Ted: That was Tim Allen in Galaxy Quest.

The Drunk Train [7.16][edit]

[Ted and Barney ride the Drunk Train for the first time]
Barney: Where has this heavenly vehicle been all my life? Can you hear its inspiring chant, Ted? "I think I can get laid, I think I can get laid..." It's The Little Engine with Wood, the Whore-ient Express, The Long Island Tail-road!
Ted: Oh I got one - Thomas the Spank Engine.
Barney: Ted, that is a children's book.

[Kevin has just proposed to Robin, who's still unsure of an engagement]
Robin: Haven't you always wanted kids?
Kevin: That was before I fell in love with you.
Robin: That's the thing! Your future always had kids in it, something huge you would be giving up for me. I just don't think I could ever owe someone that much. I'm just scared that you'll wake up in a year, or ten, or 50, full of regrets. So I need you to be sure, okay? If we get married, you will never have children. Are you really okay with that?

No Pressure [7.17][edit]

[Marshall and Lily are caught by surprise that Barney slept in their bed]
Lily: Why are you in our bed?
Barney: I took the Drunk Train. I got stuck out here, oh God I'm so hung over...[excited at Lily's cleavage] Oh God, Lily, not wearing a bra!!!

[Barney just learned from Ted that Kevin and Robin broke up]
Barney: Bummer. Anyway, let's make our own bets about this sex tape. I've got Marshall with a surprise piercing at 5-1 odds, Lily with a landing strip at 10-1, Marshall with a landing strip, even money.
Ted: I don't believe this. You were in love with Robin, you find out she's single, and all you've got to say is "Bummer"?
Barney: What do you want me to say Ted? Whatever I thought was there, she thought differently. So, no, I don't care if Robin is single again.
Ted: So if Robin started dating someone else, you wouldn't mind?
Barney: Nope.
Ted: Even if that somebody else was me?

Karma [7.18][edit]

[Having spent some good time with Karma, Barney has just discovered that she is using the same routine on everybody else]
Barney: Did I deserve this? Absolutely. I've told some outrageous lies. I have told women that I was famous, a war hero, that sex with me would cure their nearsightedness...
Myopic Stripper: Barney?
Barney: I probably deserve everything you did to me and more, but I have been trying and trying hard to be a better person. Thanks for showing me I had it right before. [leaves Lusty Leopard]

[Lily and Marshall arrive at Ted's apartment and see it empty. Lily sees note]
Ted: Dear Lily and Marshall, I don't know if you know this, but I never took your names off the lease. Well, today, I took my name off it. The apartment...is now yours and I think I've found what to do with Robin's old room. [They walk in to Robin's old room and find that it is painted blue and has been turned in to a baby room] See for me, this place had begun to feel a little haunted. At first I thought it was haunted by Robin, but I now think it was haunted by me. Well, no ghost is at peace until it finally moves on. I need a change, and I think you do too. This apartment needs some new life, so please, make our old home your new home. It is now ghost-free. Love, Ted.

The Broath [7.19][edit]

[Ted and Robin clash over the apartment Quinn is subletting, and Robin lays out the real reason why she wants it so bad]
Robin: Hasn't it ever occurred to you that the last few weeks haven't been easy for me either? In the span of one day, my engagement fell apart, I lost my best friend, then I lost my apartment, and now, I'm about to lose my job.
Ted: What do you mean?
Robin: I've been completely distracted at work, and now my boss wants to see me Friday at five o'clock, which in the office is known as "Fire o'clock."
Ted: I had no idea.
Robin: How could you? The one person I want to talk to most barely looks me in the eye anymore, much less returns my calls. Ted, I know it took guts to tell me you love me and I know how much it hurt that I didn't say it back, but ... damn it, this sucks for me too. I miss you. Is there any way we could just ... go back to normal?
Ted: I don't think I can do normal anymore.

Barney: And now to seal this sacred vow, the two ladies will kiss.
Robin: Barney!
Barney: The two ladies will kiss!
[Robin and Lily kiss and Robin tries to pull away, but Lily keeps kissing her]
Robin: Uh, Lily.
Lily: Sorry.
Barney: And now the gentlemen...
Ted: DUDE!
Barney: And now the gentlemen! [Marshall and Ted kiss] I was going to say "And now the gentlemen bump fists." How long you been holding back that one?

Trilogy Time [7.20][edit]

[In 2003, Ted comforts Marshall about making it into law school, but in 2006...]
Ted: ...and look what happened. You got into law school just like I said you would. See? Things aren't so bad.
Marshall: [cries] Lily left me...and now I'll never have a mustache!!!

[Barney takes offense at Ted's prediction of him in 2015]
Barney: Wa-wa-wait a minute. Who's Melanie?
Ted: Come on, if there's one thing I can count on not changing, it's you walking with some random girl under your arm.
Barney: No. No, I don't want that. For the first time in my life, I don't want to find myself in three years with some random girl, no matter how many boobs she has. I want to be with Quinn. [heads for the door] Guys, you're gonna see a lot more of Quinn.
Marshall: We've been to the Lusty Leopard, we've seen plenty.
Barney: I kinda walked into that one. Alright, byebye.

Now We're Even [7.21][edit]

Sandy Rivers: Robin, I got something for you. It's huge...and I want you on it.
Robin: Sandy, you were in the harassment video.

[Ted is fed up with Barney's proposals for Legendary nights and demands why he wants it so bad]
Barney: Because...I'm dating a stripper.
Ted': Yeah, I've seen the bus ad. I get it.
Barney: No you don't. Every night, between 9pm and 4am, I'm in Hell. All I can think about is what Quinn is doing, and where she is doing it, and who she is doing it on. If I don't do something to take my mind off of it... You're lucky that you could just go sit around the house, Ted. I don't have that option.
Ted': Wow, you're in love with this girl -
Barney: I really am, Ted. I mean...she's a stripper.

Good Crazy [7.22][edit]

[Marshall and Barney work the AC casinos]
Marshall: Hope Lily's okay.
Barney: Okay, that's it bro, we're turning off our phones for one hour.
Marshall: Motion denied.
Barney: Okay, you leave me no choice. Proposal, you give me one hour of phone-free bro time during which we - and by "we" I mean you - get magnificently, mythologically drunk, I'm talking needing-subtitles-when-you-speak drunk. If you can give me that, I...will wear this. [shows Ducky Tie]
Marshall: The...the Ducky Tie. I thought you threw it away.
Barney: I did...it came back.

[Ted continues to see Robin in every person he encounters]
Ted: Why are you still here?
Robin: [as MacLaren's bartender] Why do you think I'm still here?
Ted: I guess because I'm in love with you. Why else would I be seeing your face everywhere I look?
Robin: [as old patron] Because you feel bad.
Ted: Of course I feel bad. I told you I love you, which is apparently the worst thing you can say to someone.
Robin: That's not why you feel bad. You feel bad because after you said it, you let me go away. I know our relationship wasn't exactly what you wanted it to be, and I know I may not love you the way you love me, but I do love you. Isn't that worth hanging on to?
Ted: [pause] I miss you.
Robin: [as model in Wharmpess Gold beer] So go get me back.

The Magician's Code [7.23-24][edit]

Part I[edit]

[Barney tries to ask the bus driver to drive to the hospital where Lily is giving birth]
Barney: Sir, this man is having a baby tonight. Instead of going to St Marcus Hospital, we're going to Buffalo - and I've seen women from there, the city's aptly named. Look, I'm a screw-up; I'm having something special with this girl Quinn and I ruined it. But this guy [gestures to Marshall], he's done everything right. He's been loving and devoting since he was 18 years old. There are a few truly great people on this planet and he is one of them. He deserves to be at the birth of his son. So what do you say?
Driver: Unless it's an emergency, I'm not allowed to stop so sit down, watch Cocoon 2, and shut up!

[Marshall finally appears in Lily's room as baby is about to be delivered]
Marshall: In return for him getting me here, I may have promised Barney that our son's middle name will be - wait for it -
Lily: I can't wait. What is the name?
Marshall: The name is Wait For It.
Lily: [screams while pushing] AAGHH....THAT IS THE COOLEST MIDDLE NAME OF ALL TIME!!!

Part II[edit]

[At the JFK passenger terminal, Barney and Quinn are asked about the luggage]
Barney: It's mine. Did you have to replace the luggage too?
Quinn: By the time we land again you'll be wearing hot pink stilettos.
TSA Security Officer: [sees box in bag] What's that?
Quinn: Yeah, what is that?
Barney: It's a magic box. You see, I'm something of a magician.
TSA Security Officer: Open the box, sir.
Barney: [laughs] Oh, I can't do that. [K9 barks]
TSA Security Officer #2: Sir, are there drugs in that box?
Barney: Oh no, he's probably just barking because of the explosives. [officers draw firearms]
Quinn: Oh my God.
TSA Security Officer: Tell us what's in the box right now!
Barney: I can't. Magician's Code.

[Ted drives with Victoria riding shotgun]
Victoria: Where shall we go? Your place? My place? We could go on my honeymoon. [laughs] Just kidding...although it is paid for.
Ted: I know where we should go.
Victoria: Where?
Ted: Your wedding. I'm taking you back.
Victoria: I don't understand. I thought you wanted this.
Ted: I do want this. I've thought about you so many times, what might have been...but I got left at the altar and it nearly killed me. You're someone's fiancee, and I have to respect that. So let's hit a motel, jam in a quickie and get you back to your wedding. It's the right thing to do.
Victoria: Some part of me needed to hear you say that running away together wasn't an option, and now that I know that, it's like I'm sobering up. Is there any way we can pretend that this never happened?
Ted: [softly] This never happened.

Season 8[edit]

Farhampton [8.01][edit]

Lily: [whispers to Marshall] I almost blurted out that Barney used to date Robin.
Quinn: Barney used to date Robin?! [Lily and Marshall are surprised]

[Ted tries to coach Victoria into writing her runaway-bride note]
Victoria: [starts to write letter] Klaus...
Ted: Just Klaus? Give it some heart, the poor guy!
Victoria: "Dear sweet Klaus..."
Ted: Sweet? So what, are you still in love with this jerk?
Victoria: I'm doing this on my own.
Ted: I'm sorry, I feel bad for the guy. I'm stealing the greatest girl in the world away from him.
Victoria: You're not stealing me. I'm choosing you...[kisses him] because you are loving, you are caring, and [gives note to Ted] you are going to give him this note.
Ted: You're expecting me to go there?
Victoria: It took me everything I had to climb out of that church window...and if I had to go back there, I'm not sure if I can do it again.
Ted: [gets note and leaves car but enters and rubs note in Victoria's face] It has to smell like you.

The Pre-Nup [8.02][edit]

[Quinn pores over Barney's prenup and notices a certain provision]
Quinn: I have to pay 2,000 dollars every time I gain a pound?!
Barney: Not every time. Just if it shows up at the weekly weigh-in.

[Arthur Hobbs has had enough of the couples' squabbling over Barney and Quinn's pre-nups]
Arthur Hobbs: Enough, ENOOUGH! [couples stop] You all have someone who loves you and you're screwing it up over what, who has the most power? That's not love. Love is trusting someone enough to tell them what's really bothering you - and you know what? That's what we're gonna do. [to Marshall] You, start!
Marshall: [to Lily] When you got scared about Marvin, it felt like you were saying that I'm not as good a parent as you. You're an amazing mom, and I will look up to that.
Lily: I probably have trust issues because my dad wasn't there for me, but I know that you'll always be there to catch Marvin.
Hobbs: [to Ted and Victoria] You, next!
Ted: Having Klaus back in our lives made me scared we're never gonna escape the past.
Victoria: I only wanted to help Klaus because I feel guilty of how happy I am with you.
Hobbs: [to Robin and Nick] Next!
Nick: I find you so sexy, it just hurt that you don't feel the same way about me.
Robin: I get turned on watching myself do the news during sex.
Nick: Oh... That's cool. [leaves with her]
Hobbs: Look at that, no legal documents needed, just honesty and vulnerability. That's love! You see, I once loved someone, only I didn't say it enough. Now I wish I could say it everyday - hell, I don't care if its crazy, I'm doing it. [calls ex-wife] Hello Darlene? Put Tugboat on the line. Hey buddy! Hey it's the man! [leaves conference room]
Future Ted: And for a moment, all felt right with the world, but that very night, the Autumn of Breakups would claim its first victims.

Nannies [8.03][edit]

[Barney is ready to get back on the market at MacLaren's]
Barney: Welcome to Bangtoberfest! Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt, [shoots T-shirt roll at Ted] I'm back! Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt, I'm single again! [continues shooting rolls; one hits woman] Sorry about your eye, I'm available!
Ted: [reads shirt message] Bangtoberfest. This time it's really not personal.
Robin: Barney, you went through some really emotional stuff. You need to give yourself some time to heal.
Barney: Robin I spent seven grand on merch. This is happening. [puts cap on Robin's head]

[Lily discovers that her father took care of baby Marvin all day]
Lily: Wow. That's incredible. When did you get so good with kids?
Mickey Aldrin: You know something honey, you don't know this. For the first few years of your life, your mom worked while I was a stay-at-home dad.
Lily: I thought Grandma and Grampa took care of me.
Mickey: Well, they visited a lot, but I was the one who took care of you. You know, America thinks I ran into that burning house to get potato salad, but actually, I ran into the house to get this photo album - and potato salad. [shows Lily album]
Lily: Dad, I never realized you were there for me. How come there are no pictures of me after preschool?
Mickey: Well...
[recounts flashback of first day at preschool]
Mickey: Well, have fun on your first day at preschool, princess. [kisses Lily and gives her food] Well, off you go. [after Lily gets inside classroom] Ugh, how am I gonna make it to three o'clock without her? [sees newspaper] Belmont Racetrack? Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to bet just once.
[back to present]
Mickey: Six months later, guess what gambling addict's thumbs had pins on them? [flashes thumbs] This guy! ... Look honey, I wasn't there for most of your childhood and I regret that every single day of my life, but I promise you, I'm here now for Marvin. If you want.
Lily: You're hired. [embraces Mickey]

Who Wants to be a Godparent? [8.04][edit]

[Marshall asks Barney about how he has been doing and Barney is forced to think]
Barney: [in thoughts, remembering woman he just nailed] Not an 8. At best she was a six, six and a half, more like a four by the time I was done with her. Mental self-five. [to Marshall] Everything's great.

[Barney, Ted, and Robin bicker over the results of Who Wants to be a Godparent?]
Marshall: Guys, guys, guys, okay alright!! Obviously, none of you knows what it means to be a parent.
Barney: [scoffs] Obviously, neither of you two know what it means to be a friend anymore.
Marshall: [offended] What are you talking about?
Ted: Think about it. This is the most we've seen of you two in, five months.
Robin: You don't seem to care what's going on in our lives unless it's an eight or higher.
Marshall: Well, what do you expect? We have a baby now.
Lily: Yeah, the days of closing down MacLaren's are over ... unless you want to get up with us at 5:13 in the morning to a screaming baby.
Ted: So, that's it, the end of an era, just like that?
Marshall: Look, we're sorry if we don't have enough time to sit down at the bar listening to silly little dating problems. When you have a baby, it's not just the most important thing in your life, it's the only important thing. When are you guys gonna get that?
Ted: Think we get it. [leaves with Barney and Robin]

The Autumn of Breakups [8.05][edit]

[Barney chances upon Robin and Nick at the bar]
Barney: Guys, I got a new bro. A bro that puts all other bros to shame. The bitches love him. Haa!! He buries bones all day. [whoops] No one chases tail like him. Oooow!! Why aren't you guys laughing? Oh I should have let you on this - he's a dog! [points to bar, where a number of women adore a dog] I call him... "Brover." I'll go - owww! - fetch him.

[at MacLaren's]
Ted: There's something I need to tell you. I've thought about this a ton and I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but... I'm not in love with Robin, but she's like family to me, and I can't end that. So, can you accept that?
Victoria: [bitterly holds Ted's hand] I really hope you get her someday. [leaves in tears]

Splitsville [8.06][edit]

[Marshall explains why the Force Majeurs recruited Nick as a ringer]
Marshall: If Joel uses ringers, so can we, and Nick is our best player, so as far as I am concerned, he can both keep your groins on ice.
Ted: "Groins On Ice"... Least popular Madison Square Garden holiday show ever.
Robin: Why are you so into this basketball league?
Marshall: Robin, its the Little Ivies Professionals Over 30 Who Work In Midtown League. It's The Show!
Lily: You know, it's kinda funny imagining people icing their groins. First it would get a little cold... then the ice would start to melt... things will get all wet, and steamy...

[At Splitsville, Barney has witnessed Nick getting amorous with Robin again]
Barney: She can't go home with you, Nick.
Robin: Barney!
Nick: Why not?
Barney: Because Robin and I are in love.
Robin: Barney, what are you doing here?
Barney: Taking care of something you clearly can't do on your own. [to Nick] I'm sorry but you and Robin are done.
Nick: What? Robin, what is this?
Robin: Barney, look I know what you're doing, ok? Please stop.
Barney: Robin doesn't want to hurt your feelings because you're a nice guy, but she thinks you're stupid and she hates you. [To Robin] You're welcome.
Robin: Stop doing this!
Barney: I love her, Nick!
Robin: [stands up] But, he doesn't love me. He's just saying this because he's -
Barney: I love everything about her, and I’m not a guy who says that lightly. I’m a guy who has faked love his entire life. I thought love was just something idiots thought they felt, but this woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to - and there have been times that I wanted to. [Robin looks at him] It has been... overwhelming and humbling and even painful at times, but I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing. I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her. More than she knows.

The Stamp Tramp [8.07][edit]

[In trying to say that he can give out stamps of approval, Ted shows off all his old video diaries. One such entry interests Lily]
Ted: So, Marshall Eriksen, you just came back from on your third date with Lily. How was it?
Marshall: Great, yeah I just... I think I'm falling for this girl pretty hard. Is everything happening too fast? Maybe I should see other people -
Ted: Dude, no! Lily Aldrin is special, you hold on to that girl!
Marshall: She is, but I'm only 18 -
Ted: Marshall, you being 18 is not a bad thing. It only just means you get to spend more of your life with her. I mean, like, I'm not gonna meet my wife until like I'm, 23.
Marshall: Right. What am I thinking? I'm in love with this girl.
Lily: [having seen the video] Ted, you gave me the ultimate stamp! And my whole life... [gestures to Marvin] this life, it all goes back to that moment. [embraces Ted]
Ted: [in video] I mean maybe take a month off, bang some chicks, Lily's not going anywhere. [Ted stops video]

[Barney does his own version of LeBron James' Decision Special]
Barney: Man, this whole free agent experience... it's been an unbelievable experience... a real, humbling experience. First all, the Lusty Leopard is where I developed my game. [looks at strippers] I have nothing but the utmost respect for you skanks...
Ted: Let's just go stay at the Lusty Leopard. They have loyalty and heart, I bet you he rewards that.
Marshall: LeBron moved on Ted, so should you.
Barney: ... but Barney Stinson has to do what's right for Barney Stinson's penis. In this fall... This is tough, um, in this fall, I'm going to take my talents ... to Mouth Beach. [Mouth Beach dancers and patrons rejoice]

Twelve Horny Women [8.08][edit]

Brad: Ladies and...ladies of the jury. Sorry if I seem down, my girlfriend Kara, broke up with me last night. [female jurors groan]

[in claiming that she was a bad-ass, Lily recounts how she met Scooter during a stroll]
Lily: [sees Scooter] You look okay. Wanna hang out?
Scooter: My mom says I can only have three friends, so -
Lily: Mom don't make the rules no more, Scooter.
Scooter: My name is Geoff.
Lily: Not anymore it ain't. [crushes Scooter's drink can]

Lobster Crawl [8.09][edit]

[Marshall and Lily talk about Ted's excesses in taking care of Marvin]
Marshall: I think that we've figured out what's wrong with you. You see, after we let you go..
[flashback at apartment]
Lily: [holds book] What is this?
Marshall: 'Marvin's Book of Firsts'? [they browse book]
Lily: [gasps at seeing Ted and Marvin with Santa Claus] Ted took Marvin to see Santa?!? [seethes and closes book] I'm gonna take this book and I'm gonna shove it so far up his-
Marshall: The point is, it made us remember another scrapbook you made. [remembers Building's Book of Firsts about the GNB Tower] That project really was your baby and now it's over, you're scared to move on.
Ted: I poured all my blood, sweat and tears into that building. To be fair, a lot of it happened the day I accidentally fell down that elevator shaft. The point is, it's just really hard to let go, especially since that building's my biggest accomplishment. I mean, maybe if I was where you guys at in life, all you had to be proud of... [Lily gives him a lollipop; they all sit down]
Marshall: We get it, you'll always gonna be Uncle Ted. But if Marvin can't be your next project, you need one of your own, so we rescheduled your meeting with that headhunter. He's over there. [points to black man sitting with children]

[Barney joins Lily and Robin at the bar]
Barney: So, last night, Brandi and I went to the WWN studios where my high-pressure system was ready to slam into her warm front...
[flashback to WWN Studios]
Brandi: So Barney, the studio's unlocked, the weather map is up, ready to do it in 17 different states at once?
Barney: Um, actually, I don't think I want to do that. I'm sorry, I'm gonna go. [leaves her]
Robin: So, you didn't sleep with her?
Barney: Nope. I spent the night thinking how everything I've done since Quinn and I broke up has been a cry for help. Dressing up a dog like me, hooking up with all those nannies...
Robin: Bro-Bibs.
Barney: Nah those are solid.
Lily: Still want in.
Barney: I realized that I'm searching. Searching for what I really want in life, and you know what? I have absolutely no idea what that is.
Robin: Barney...
Barney: But I'm going to figure it out. I have to. Good night, guys.
Robin: God I feel awful. Barney is going through something big and here I've been obsessing about one stupid final hookup to get him out of my system. He needs space and time to figure this out - and I have to give it to him.

The Over-Correction [8.10][edit]

[Ted has had enough of the gang borrowing all his stuff]
Ted: I'll take that. [gets minicooler from Lily] Ted Mosby Store is officially closed. [sees inside of cooler] What spilled in here?
Lily: Breastmilk.
Ted: [gives minicooler to Lily in disgust] Seriously, I give and give, and all I ask back is a little bit of respect! [leaves apartment]

[The gang talks at MacLaren's over Marshall and Lily's parents hooking up.]
Barney: I think you should be happy for them.
Marshall: What? But why? What is good about this?
Barney: Well, first of all, respect to Mickey. Your mom's a piece - she's no Ted's mom, but she's a piece. Secondly, I mean, it's nice that they found each other. Sometimes, you fall for someone you never expect, but that doesn't make it wrong. Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy?
Lily: I guess none of us ever thought of it that way.
Barney: Next round's on me.

The Final Page [8.11-12][edit]

Part I[edit]

[Robin is administering Patrice's yearend performance appraisal - and she just fired her]
Patrice: Why would you fire me?
Robin: Because nobody should be as happy as you are! [goes to door and opens it] and also, your cookies? They're only... pretty good.
Patrice: [tries to step out but turns back at her] Robin, is this really about me?
Robin: [cracking] No its not. [Patrice embraces her]
Sandy Rivers: [enters] The old fire and bang. Respect, Scherbatsky.
Robin: I'm sorry. It's just that seeing you with Barney has run up some old feelings - and I really don't like feelings, but that's not your fault or Barney's fault. It's just really hard seeing you with him.

[Barney has shown Ted a diamond ring]
Ted: Oh my God, Barney -
Barney: You unjinxed me! I'm free!! If the bison on the nickel could heard you talk about them, they would diminish their population even further on purpose. If Lily wants a big wiener in her mouth, she's got my number. And I'm sorry you took all the rap for the farting on the car ride up here, that was me. [sighs]
Ted: The ring, what's the ring?
Barney: Right, the ring. I'm gonna ask Patrice to marry me.
Ted and Barney: Are you serious?
Barney: Jinx. Good, I need to say some things without you interrupting. Yes, I am serious. I know that if you could talk, you'd say I'm crazy, or that I'm overcorrecting, or that I'm moving too fast. But you would be wrong. I've banged my way through every bimbo in the Tri-State Area and it left me feeling nothing but broken. But now with Patrice, for the first time in my life, I feel settled and happy. I want to feel this way forever. So tomorrow night, on the roof of the World Wide News building - that's Patrice's favorite spot - I'm gonna ask her to marry me. [cuts off Ted] You're jinxed. I'll unjinx you if you follow these two rules: one: you can't try to talk me out of it, and two: you can't tell anybody. Agreed? [sees Ted assent] It's a jinx swear, so if you break it, I get to hit you in the nuts three times with a Wiffle Ball bat. Thank you, Ted. [Marshall and Lily enter the car] Hi, guys!
Marshall: No, but you're jinxed!
Barney: I tricked Ted into saying my name.
Barney, Marshall and Lily: Aw, come on, Ted!
Barney: Jinx! Jinx! Ha-ha! The reign of terror is back! [Evil laugh] Hey, if you guys don't want me to smoke or fart in here, just speak up. Nothing? Great. Thanks for the spicy beef jerky, dude.

Part II[edit]

[Lily and Marshall tell Ted and Robin their plans for a night out]
Lily: My dad just gave us the most amazing Christmas gift ever. Our first night away since Marvin was born.
Marshall: Twenty-four hours straight without that little bastard.
Robin: Oh, this will be a nice memory to share with Marvin when he's older and deciding whether or not to put you in a home.

[Robin has read the play entitled "The Robin" and sees Barney]
Robin: Seriously, Barney? Even you, even someone as CERTIFIABLY INSANE as you must realize that this is too far! You lied to me, manipulated me for weeks - do you really think I could ever kiss you after that? Do you really think I could ever trust you after that? [refers to Playbook page] This, this is proof of why we don't work, why we'll never work, so thank you. You've set me free because how could I be with a man who thinks that this trick, this enormous lie could ever make me want to date him again?
Barney: Turn it over. [Robin flips page to read Step 16: Hope she says yes. Barney presents ring] Robin Scherbatsky, will you marry me?
Robin: Yes.

Band or DJ? [8.13][edit]

[Lily and Ted begin jostling over Robin and Barney's wedding]
Robin: I'm looking forward to it.
Lily: Fine I'll do it for you. First thing we need to do is set a date- [reveals binder]
Ted: May 25th, 2013.
Lily: Thank you Ted, the ladies are talking.
Robin: Actually, that is the date. Ted offered to help with the wedding, and well, uh...
Lily: [sees Ted with bigger binder] That's a big binder.
Ted: Oh this? This is just cakes. Anyway, we'll run the ceremony at that beautiful church out on Long Island where Victoria almost got married, lovely spot. And then, we're gonna have a big reception in a big white tent on the front lawn of the hotel. The colors are cream and lilac.
Lily: [bumrushes Ted with Marshall holding her back] I'mma cut you bitch!

[Robin is still angry over being kept in the dark about her father getting married, but decides to meet him at Pizzazzy's and hear his side]
Barney: Your dad has something to say.
Robin Sr: I'm sorry for getting married without consulting you. It was wrong of me.
Barney: There, now Robin-
Robin Sr: I know that no mere apology will fix this, and that is why I've asked Carol for a divorce.
Barney: What?
Robin Sr: She's heartbroken, understandably. Possibly suicidal -
Barney: I did not tell him.
Robin Sr: But if that's the price for my daughter's love, then I will gladly let Carol pay it. Was that not what you wanted?
Robin: You want to know what I want? [Robin Sr nods] A normal dad, that's all. I want you to give this blonde guy permission to marry me, come to the wedding, give me away, smile in the pictures, and then dance with me like a normal dad! Is that too much to ask?

Ring Up! [8.14][edit]

[Barney is angry that Ted slept with his half-sister]
Barney: That's my sister, Ted!!
Ted: I didn't know! None of us even knew you had a sister until two years ago, including you. It's all a crazy coincidence.
Barney: There are four million women in the city of New York and you had to sleep with my sister. Why would the universe do that to me?
Ted: I don't know. It's not like you've treated women in such a way that wouldn't invite karmic retribution.
Barney: You banged my sister, my sweet, little, innocent -
Ted: Pierced.
Barney: Really, where? [gets on] Don't answer that!! Now I know why I felt everything that you did to her last night. It wasn't a Bro-nection - it was a Sis-nection. Oh my God, Ted did you... [whispers in Ted's ear]
Ted: Big-time.
Barney: Nice, high-five [high-fives Ted, but...] No, NO!!!! Retraction Five! [high-fives Ted again and reverses words]
Ted: Hey, hey you're the one who begged for a proxy bang - and while we're on the subject of family, I'm pretty sure you banged my mom! Mom beats sister.
Barney: I never banged your mom! [winks]
Ted: You just did that winking thing again!
Barney: No I didn't. [winks again]
Ted: Fine, let me ask you something - Barney were you a little sore this morning, especially... [whispers in Barney's ear]
Barney: [aghast] Friendship OVER!! [marches out of bar]

[Robin laments to Lily and Marshall not being able to get any freebies because of her being engaged]
Robin: You know what, I love Barney, but this ring thing sucks. This gross guy, brushed against my rack, and then apologized - and I think he really really meant it.
Lily: Sweetie, I know it's nice to be groped by strangers, but nothing beats the rush you get when that one special person looks at you.
Marshall: It's true. Like here in this bar, there's only one thing that I see. [looks at Lily] I see her brightly, and more clearly than anything else in this world. You know what that is? That's love... and possibly alcohol mixed [shows medicine vial] with some very powerful antibiotics.
Lily: And that's how Barney sees you - and I know that's how you see Barney.

P.S. I Love You [8.15][edit]

[The interviewees for Underneath The Tunes lament the aftermath of Robin Daggers' Grey Cup halftime show]
Steven Page: It was tragic. I mean to this day, you ask any Canadian where they were when Robin Sparkles lost it, not only can they tell you which Tim Horton's they were in - but what donut they were eating. Me? Wawa, Ontario. Blueberry fritter.
Geddy Lee: Halifax, Nova Scotia. Walnut crunch.
Luc Robitaille: Victoriaville, Quebec. Sour cream plain.
Alex Trebek: Sudbury, Ontario. Honey dip.
k.d. lang: Red Deer, Alberta. Chocolate glaze.
Jason Priestley: Squamish, British Columbia. Crammed a Timbit into a strawberry vanilla and invented the Priestley. Should have been the best day of my life.

[Barney is dejected about his quest to identify the object of Robin's obsession]
Barney: Can't believe it, I'm a total Dahmer.
Robin: Yeah, but you're my Dahmer, which makes you a Dobler.

Bad Crazy [8.16][edit]

[while repairing a cuckoo clock, Barney tells Ted something about Jeannette]
Barney: Cray-cray gotta go bye-bye before you get stab-stabbed.

[In 2030, Robin makes the final confession to Lily over who carried Baby Marvin in 2013]
Lily: You waited 17 years to tell me you met the greatest boxer of all time? My child was rocked to sleep by Senator Mike Tyson?!?!

The Ashtray [8.17][edit]

[Ted asks Barney why he always inserts himself into any historical situations]
Barney: Because crazy stories are my thing. You have architecture, Marshall has the law, Lily has art, Robin has pleasing me sexually, you all have a passion that drives you! Well, I have a passion, it's taking life and turning it into a series of crazy stories. If you can do that without me, then I don't even know who I am anymore.

[Marshall is fuming at Lily for stealing The Captain's ashtray]
Marshall: You're gonna return that ashtray and you gonna pray he doesn't press charges because I can't be in a marriage while one of us is in prison! I know that we roleplay conjugal visits a lot, but I can't do that for realsies.
Lily: I'm sorry, all rulings are final. I am not taking it back.
Marshall: Oh my God. Lily, what is the big deal? Yeah so what, someone said you're just a kindergarten teacher. Why do you let that bother you?
Lily: [tears] Because he was right, I am just a kindergarten teacher and yes, I have a degree in art history and I was meant to do something with it, but I didn't. Somewhere along the line, I forgot to pursue my dream and now I'm old and I'm a mom and it's just too late for me.
Marshall: Lily, it's okay.
Lily: It's just too late...
Marshall: [calms her down] Nonono, it's not too late. It's not too late. You're gonna quit your job tomorrow, and you're gonna, you're gonna go back and pick up right where you left off with that art stuff. And then you know what? I'm gonna find Shelly, and I'mma punch her in the face. Yeah, I'mma punch a girl. Run away. I promise you. Your best and your most exciting days are all ahead of you.
Lily: I love you so much for saying that, but there get's to be a point in life where that it just stops being true. I'm sorry I stole this. [sees ashtray] I'll return it first thing in the morning.

Weekend at Barney's [8.18][edit]

[Barney tries to explain to Robin why the Playbook still exists]
Robin: You really think this is just about a book Barney? You lied to me, and if we're gonna be in a marriage and trust each other, you can't lie to me. Ever.
Barney: Really, well that's just great, because in case you haven't noticed, these last eight years, lying is what I do best. [Begins pulling out various magic tricks] I'm a magician, Robin. Misdirection and deceit are my stock and trade. You don't want me to lie to you? Lies are the reason that we're together. Every single thing I did to you to get you to say "Yes" to me on that rooftop - Patrice, the false engagement, everything - it was all utter malarkey, but underneath ... all of those lies is one true thing - one true thing that can support the weight of all the lies in the world and that's the fact that I love you, and you know that when I say that, I'm not lying.

[Ted is back with Jeannette]
Ted: Jeannette, this is great. We're back together, you're coming to Barney and Robin's wedding. I found two wine glasses you didn't smash. Call me crazy, but I got a feeling that from hereon out it will be blue skies and -
Jeannette: What THE HELL... [shows Playbook] IS THIS?!?!?!

The Fortress [8.19][edit]

[The Captain tips off Lily about another artwork]
Lily: Where is it?
The Captain: Riker's Island. The artist is serving two consecutive life sentences for aggravated homicide. I'm willing to go as high as six cartons of cigarettes and a jug of toilet wine.

[Robin confesses to Barney what she did to the couple who wanted to buy the apartment]
Barney: You turned them down?
Robin: Yeah, if I ask you to change too many things about yourself, you're not gonna be the man I fell in love with. Turns out I accept and appreciate even the grossest, creepiest, most sociopathic parts of you.
Barney: Sounds like somebody just wrote her vows. [kisses Robin]

The Time Travelers [8.20][edit]

[Marshall is bitter because a drink he conceptualized at MacLaren's is named after Robin]
Robin: It's my usual!
Marshall: Immaterial! If it's gonna be named after anybody, it should be the Marshall Eriksen.
Robin: Sorry, it's the Robin Scherbatsky, read it and weep.
Marshall: So you're gonna Zuckerberg me? Alright, you're Zuckerberging me? It's fine, I'll see you in court, a little court called the dance floor. Dance-off now!
Lily: No, no dancing. Marshall, we've been through this. The doctor said your dancer's hip is worse than ever, you have to lay off dancing for a while.
Marshall: You're killing me, Lily!!! You're killing me! I'm an adult, you have to let me dance my own battles.

[Ted imagines himself running to his future wife's apartment and her opening the door for him]
Ted: Hi, I'm Ted Mosby. In exactly 45 days from now, you and I are gonna meet and are gonna fall in love, and we're gonna get married and we're gonna have two kids. We're gonna love them and each other so much. All that is 45 days away, but I'm here now I guess because ... I want this extra 45 days with you. I want each one of them - and if I can't have them, I'll take the 45 seconds before your boyfriend shows up and punches me in the face, because ... I love you. I'm always gonna love you to the end of my days, and beyond. You'll see.

Romeward Bound [8.21][edit]

[Barney is miffed because Ted tried to advise him about Robin's being cool about him looking at other women]
Barney: Oh I see - and you'd know this because you know Robin better than I do? You know what she appreciates better than her own fiance.
Ted: I'm just saying if I was getting married in three weeks -
Barney: But you're not getting married in three weeks Ted, I am. Robin's marrying me, not you.
Ted: You're right, not my place. Why don't I get the next round.

[Marshall tries to convince Lily of accepting the Captain's assignment for her in Rome and she calls him on her speaking only one Italian sentence]
Marshall: [subtitles while repeating Italian sentence] Come on, maybe the only sentence I know is "come on bro, don't Bogart all the Funyuns," but I know in my heart that you understand me anyway. Because no one I know has better understood anyone better than you and I understand each other. Is this trip going to be scary? Yes. Do I like the idea of not knowing the language? Of course not, but I believe we can do this. I love you, Lily. I love you.
Lily: I love you. [kisses Marshall] So, we're going to Italy!
Marshall: Si! You may not know this yet, but I've already done some shopping.

The Bro Mitzvah [8.22][edit]

[Robin has confronted Barney on bailing over dinner with his mom]
Robin: I just tore your mom away from a living version of a Nick Nolte mugshot and put her in a cab home. Thank you for abandoning me on what has been one of the worst nights of my life.
Quinn: [approaches Barney] So it's my usual fee, plus I always charge an extra hundred for girl-on-clown action.
Robin: What the hell is she doing here?
Barney: Robin I swear, nothing happened.
Ralph Macchio: That means it's just hand stuff.
Barney: [tries to break up Robin and Quinn] Stop, stop, stop!
Robin: Sorry. Barney, this is unforgivable. [takes off and throws ring back at him] It's over. [leaves]
Quinn: [picks up ring] You know, I never got to do that. [throws ring at him and leaves]

Something Old [8.23][edit]

[Lily and Marshall ask Ted why he wants them to bring their old beanbag chair to Italy]
Lily: Ted, if this means so much to you, why don't you just take it for yourself?
Ted: No, it's important that you keep it.
Marshall: Why?
Ted: This is the first thing we bought when we moved here after college. It was the only piece of furniture we had for a week, and now you two are moving to Italy. What if our friendship doesn't pass the "Have you used it in a year?" test? If you can throw out this chair, who's to say you can't throw me out too?
Marshall: That could never happen.
Lily: You're not a chair, you are our best friend.
Ted: You can say that, but a lot can change in a year.

[Robin is stunned to finally uncover her old locket's box - with no locket for her "Something Old."]
Robin: This is a sign from the universe.
Ted: It's not a sign from the universe.
Robin: Yes it is! The locket, it's gone and you tell me that doesn't mean anything? You know this is a bad omen, Ted. You're Universe Guy.
Ted: And you're Skeptic Girl! You're not supposed to believe any of that.
Robin: Maybe I've grown skeptical of being skeptical. This is a sign!
Ted: It's not a sign, you're doing the right thing marrying Barney. The universe isn't sending you some message! [begins to rain] As we know from science, rain is liquid water in the form of droplets which have condensed from atmospheric vapor and precipitated - it's not a sign!
Robin: Ted, this is a sign and you know it! I mean the universe is screaming at me right now and how can you of all people tell me to ignore that?
Ted: Because maybe it's dumb to look for signs from the universe, maybe the universe has better things to do - and dear God, I hope it does. Do you know how many signs I've gotten, how I should and shouldn't be with someone? Where has it gotten me? Maybe there aren't any signs. Maybe a locket's just a locket; a chair's just a chair. Maybe we don't have to give meaning to every little thing. Maybe we don't need the universe to tell us what we really want. Maybe we already know that. Deep down. [Robin holds his hand]

Something New [8.24][edit]

[Lily has seen a House For Sale sign at Ted's newly remodeled house]
Lily: Why would you move to Chicago?
Ted: Because it's the perfect town for me. I-it's like a Clevelandy New York and don't act like you haven't noticed. My hair excels in the wind. Besides, you're moving to Rome.
Lily: Yeah for a year and when we get back, we need you to be here waiting for us, hopefully in this house with your future bride.
Ted: What future bride?
Lily: The girl. She's out there walking around New York City right now, probably in a pair of really cute boots that she's gonna let me borrow whenever I want because we're the same size. She's out there, Ted.
Ted: Is she, really? Because I've looked. I've looked high and low for someone I can love and adore and cook waffles for. The closest I've come is Marshall.
Lily: He does love your waffles.
Ted: It's the cinnamon. I add cinnamon. She's not in New York. Maybe in Chicago.

[A girl with a yellow umbrella approaches to a train ticket office]
Girl: Hi. One ticket to Farhampton, please.

Season 9[edit]

The Locket [9.01][edit]

[Marshall is elated at seeing Daphne come back in the Monstrosity with a car seat for Marvin]
Marshall: When you believe in people, people come through.

[Barney and Robin are now relieved that they're not related]
Barney: You know, I'm not worried about a wildcard anymore, whether its Uncle Vick, Aunt Shelley, or the ringbear.
Robin: Ringbear-er!
Barney: If any of those mammals go rogue, our wedding's gonna be Legendary.
Robin: No wait for it?
Barney: I've got you. I don't have to wait for it anymore.

Coming Back [9.02][edit]

[Ted's trying to reassure the Farhampton hotel manager through Lily that he's fine, but...]
Lily: It's been a tough weekend for him.
Ted: Bro!
Lily: We're here for a wedding.
Manager: Ouch.
Lily: He used to date the bride.
Manager: Oh mama.
Lily: And he's the best man.
Manager: Devastating.

[in 2014, Ted and the Mother are in the same bar at Farhampton]
Ted: You wanna hear something funny? One year ago today, almost to the minute, I was sitting at this very table, right in that seat. [points to seat]
The Mother: Oh yeah, I can see it. You nursing that gin and tonic with three extra limes, doing the crossword. Probably being all showboaty about it.
Ted: I wasn't showboaty about it.
Flashback Ted: Vesuvius...booyah! [stares at puzzle] Wait that doesn't fit.
Ted: The point is, one year ago today, I made a promise to myself, right at this table.
The Mother: What was the promise?
Ted and Flashback Ted: I'm coming back and I'm bringing you.
The Mother: Wait a second. Hold it. One year ago today, you hadn't even met me.
Ted: I know, but I knew I would - and now it's a year later...
The Mother: and here I am.
Ted: Here you are. Love in your eyes, baked goods in your undergarments.
The Mother: Yeah, you picked a real winner, Mosby. [taps hand]
Ted: Yeah, I did. [long stare] Seriously, what the crap's taking so long with these rooms? It's like this last year. I'll be right back.
The Mother: I'll be right here.

Last Time in New York [9.03][edit]

[Barney notices that James is also hiding from their relatives]
Barney: You avoiding the family too?
James: I'm gay, I'm black and I'm getting a divorce. Those walking skeletons are gonna have more questions for me than their pharmacists.

[Lily talks to Ted about his list]
Lily: Ted..
Ted: Yeah?
Lily: You wrote down all of these things to say goodbye to, but so many of these are good things. Why not just say goodbye to the bad things? Say goodbye to all the times you felt lost, to all the times it was a No instead of a Yes, to all the scrapes and bruises, to all the heartache. Say goodbye to everything you really want to do for the last time, but don't go have one last Scotch with Barney, have the first Scotch toasting Barney's new life, because that's a good thing and the good things will always be here waiting for you. [sees Ted smile] What?
Ted: Turn the page.
Lily: [flips paper; reads] "Get one last life lecture from Lily." You're dreaming if you think that's the last one of those.

The Broken Code [9.04][edit]

Lily: Prove to me you can make a female friend. What about her? [points to woman]
Robin: Ugh the girl with the bangs? Any chick who does that to her hair is going through a big life transition I don't want to hear about. Next time grow your bangs long enough to cover your mouth. I'll pass.
Lily: Ok. Well, what about her?
Robin: Ugh, comfortable shoes? What are you filibustering later? It's after five, put on some heels. I'll pass.

[Ted's confessing to Barney over the rain why he held Robin's hand]
Ted: It was weird at the carousel. All of it's been weird between me and Robin ever since we broke up. You're my brother, I would never do anything to hurt you ever. I mean it, I swear! I'll even swear on the Bro Code.
Barney: The Bro Code's stupid.
Ted: [gasps] How dare you?! [gets copy] I'd be honored. [places left hand on book and raises right hand] I can't promise that I'll ever get to a place where it won't be at least a little weird between me and Robin, but I don't wanna lose you as a friend, either of you. So I would do everything I can to move on and live with it. The question is, can you?

The Poker Game [9.05][edit]

[Marshall's in the car with Daphne when he suggests a stopover at Gazzola's.]
Marshall: Oh Chicago! There's this pizza place called Gazzola's, it's fantastic! It was closed down for a while it just re-opened.
Daphne: I'm sure they got a Godzilla's in New York. We're not stopping. It's just pizza.
Marshall: [scoffs] Just pizza? Let me tell you about the thing you say is "just pizza." We begin with the first bite. Aww the crunch, and then marinara, that roiling lava of tomato and oregano it overtakes you. I'm falling. And that's when she catches you. That chewy voluptuous mistress Mozzarella. Oven-kissed cheeks crackle with warmth in your mouth, cradling the sauce and the bread letting you know from now on this is home. This pizza... It's home.
Daphne: If it was so delicious why'd they close it in the first place?
Marshall: Rats.
Daphne: We're not stopping!
Marshall: This road trip sucks!

[Loretta Stinson sees Robin after the strip poker game]
Loretta Stinson: You won the battle, but I'll win the war.
Robin: Game on, bitch!

Knight Vision [9.06][edit]

[Reverend Lowell has had enough of the false stories of how Barney and Robin met and ordered them out, until Barney speaks his mind]
Barney: You know what? We shouldn't have lied about our story. I love our story. Sure, it's messy, but it's the story that got us here, about to get married.
Robin: I love it too, every messy chapter. I love that you slept with over 250 women before deciding that I was your favorite.
Reverend Lowell: This is killing me.
Barney: And I love that we just had to keep on having sex with each other even when we were dating other people.
Lowell: This is really killing me.
Robin: And I love that your marriage proposal involved a strip club, lying to me, and pretending to bang the woman I hate for two months.
Barney: I love that we keep a running tally of all the different rooms we had sex in.
Robin: And I love that two weeks ago, we put [looks at reverend] this room on that list.
Barney: Ha? Come on Rev, that's gotta be worth some kind of a reaction, right? I mean, right where your hymnal is where we.. where we.. [notices blank stare; Barney gets closer and sees the Reverend is dead; to Robin] Well, that's not what you want.

[Ted has missed out on a sure thing for the wedding weekend and the Templar Knight appears again]
Templar Knight: She chose... Wesley. I've been waiting to say that!

No Questions Asked [9.07][edit]

[Lily complains to the manager about Room 13]
Manager: So you're saying you didn't order room service and you didn't order Prison Sluts 9?
Lily: I'm saying I did not order room service.

[When Ted learns why Marshall never gave Lily a No Questions Asked, he asks to talk to Lily.]
Lily: You want to tell me what's going on?
Marshall: Yes, I was offered a judgeship in New York and I took it even though we agreed to move to Rome. I'm gonna be a judge. [pause] Lily?
Lily: You know Marshall, I don't believe in ghosts and I'm not sure anyone died in our room... but someone's going to.

The Lighthouse [9.08][edit]

[Lily's angry over Ted's insistence about bringing Cassie to the lighthouse]
Lily: Pull your head out of your ass, Mosby! Do you think Marshall always makes me happy? Sometimes, being him is a real trial - [grunts] trial [breaks glass]. Huh, did it to myself that time. Ted [takes brochure] it's time to settle. Take this normal-sized chick up to the lighthouse, fall in love with her and quit bothering us with your dumb love life stuff! God, I'm so sick of being smarter than everyone else! [walks off to encounter Linus who holds fresh glass] You're slipping, Linus.
Linus: We're running out of glasses.

[Robin gets ready for her own scrambled eggs]
Robin: Okay, scrambled eggs. Here we go, where is the egg opener? [Barney and Lily shake heads] Never mind I'll prescramble them. [shakes eggs as Barney and Lily are still shaking heads] OK, fine Loretta. You know what you win. I don't know how to cook egg.
Loretta Stinson: If you don't even know how to make scrambled eggs, I just worry what kind of breakfast you're gonna be serving my grandchildren.
Robin: Oh well lucky you, because that is one thing you will never have to worry about. [leaves]
Barney: Mom, Robin can't have kids.

Platonish [9.09][edit]

[Ted is defiant against Hammond Druthers' job offer]
Hammond Druthers: Look Ted, I can make your life very difficult.
Ted: How?
Druthers: How?!? I will call you a lot. I will Tweet at you like crazy. I will live on your Facebook wall!!
Ted: We're not Facebook friends.
Druthers: Yeah what's going on with that? It's been pending for like eight months now.

[Barney and a certain woman talk about Robin]
Barney: We tried dating a while back and it was a disaster but I'd - I always regret giving up. It just ended so quickly. [to woman] What about you? You and your boyfriend are gonna go the distance?
Woman: I don't know. I think maybe I still haven't met the right guy.
Barney: Wonder if I know someone I can set you up with. [contemplates] Drawn a blank.
Woman: Are you gonna get this girl or what?
Barney: I don't know. I'm kind of at my peak right now, I don't know if I can just walk away from the game.
Woman: Do you want to keep playing or do you want to win?
Barney: [pause] I want to win. What am I doing? In less than 20 minutes, Robin and I could be-
Woman: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It's gonna take a lot more than 20 minutes. This is gonna take everything you have got. This is gonna take all of your time, all of your attention, all of your resources. This is the Big One, diaper-man. You got to do it right, can't be messing around picking up girls in drugstores. You got work to do. [leaves]

Mom and Dad [9.10][edit]

[Barney and James are stunned to see Loretta and Sam Gibbs making out]
Barney: Get your damn hands off my mom!
James: Get your damn hands on my mom!
Rev. Sam Gibbs: One on, one off.
Barney: The hell is going on here?
Loretta Stinson: After you boys tracked him down a few years back, we got in touch, we became friends again, started hanging out...
Sam: And then one day, she went from being Loretta to being ... Lo-retta.

[Daphne wakes up and sees that Marshall brought her to her daughter's school]
Daphne: Wait, this is -
Marshall: That's your daughter's school. You need to go in.
Daphne: She asked me not to come, Marshall. This doesn't make any sense!
Marshall: Kids don't understand logic. Kids understand who shows up.

Bedtime Stories [9.11][edit]

Marshall: There there, little Marvin. Let no more tears fall.
We're going to see Mommy in no time at all.
Upon your arrival, you'll be hugged and kissed,
But when Mommy sees Daddy, she's gonna be pissed.

Ted: You can’t anoint yourself king like that jerk LeBron.
Barney: He left the Cavs three years ago, bro, give it up, move on.

The Rehearsal Dinner [9.12][edit]

Robin: [flustered at Barney's deception] This is crazy, Barney. We can't have a marriage like this. A marriage has to be built on honesty and trust and all that Lily-and-Marshall crap.

Barney: [to Robin] Canadians also helped to win two world wars and gave the world Neil Young, William Shatner, Leonard Cohen, Pamela Anderson, one quarter of Barney Stinson, instant mashed potatoes, and best of all, you.

Bass Player Wanted [9.13][edit]

Barney: You’re moving to Chicago? Is that even a real place? It’s a style of pizza. Ted, you can’t live in pizza.

[The Mother laments her failure to stand up to Darren and lead her band again]
The Mother: There are real villains in this world, but they don’t always get real justice, do they? You wanna believe karma is gonna get ‘em, but karma doesn’t always come through. I guess you have to accept that sometimes in life you just don’t get that knock-out punch.

Slapsgiving 3: Slappointment in Slapmarra [9.14][edit]

[Barney's unnerved that Marshall's left hand went too close to his face]
Marshall: Itch! If you're really nervous, don’t think of it as a slap. Think of it as a high five... for your stupid face. [Barney cries again]

[Barney braces for Marshall's Slap of a Million Exploding Suns, and Robin is afraid.]
Robin: I love you.
Barney: Enough to take this slap for me?
Robin: [sadly] No. [goes behind Marshall]

Unpause [9.15][edit]

[Robin and Ted interrogate a truth-serum-drunk Barney over his real job and when Barney explains everything...]
Ted: Wait, that's your job? You sign sketchy legally-binding documents that could implicate you for god-knows-what?
Barney: Best job ever, right?

[Lily and Marshall finally hit Unpause over Italy and Marshall's judgeship but Marshall tries to Pause]
Lily: No Pause, that hobby is my dream. We're going to Italy.
Marshall: But it's my dream-
Lily: We are going to Italy!!
Marshall: Baby, could you just-
Lily: We are going to Italy!! Don't you get it? You went behind my back. You hurt me!! You were more selfish than I've ever been to you!
Marshall: [edgier voice] You broke up with me and moved to San Francisco.
Lily: Why are you bringing up San Francisco? That was seven years ago!
Marshall: Because you are being selfish all over again.
Lily: Marshall, I apologized over and over again. Now you're saying you've never forgiven me? There is nothing more important to me than our family, you know that!
Marshall: Well let me ask, what if you had found success in San Francisco? How do I know that you even would've come back to me?
Lily: Stop it..
Marshall: Are Marvin, and I, and any other future children we may have.... just some consolation prize?
Lily: [teary-eyed] I have to get out of here. [storms out of room]

How Your Mother Met Me [9.16][edit]

[The Mother goes into Cindy's room after seeing someone leave behind her yellow umbrella and she notices Cindy being sad]
The Mother: Okay, this is crazy. Do you know where this umbrella came from, because I could've sworn that I... What's wrong? Are you okay?
Cindy: We broke up.
The Mother: Oh well I never liked him and I never thought he deserved you, and... I am sorry I didn't know you were dating someone. Who was this?
Cindy: He was the architecture professor, the one who taught Econ 305 by accident.
The Mother: Oh That guy? Why did you break up?
Cindy: He's got a thing for you!
The Mother: [flustered] What?!?! He... what? ... He did.. what? How could he have a thing for me, he's never even met me.
Cindy: He didn't have to. Everything he saw of yours he went crazy for.
The Mother: You should have brought him to my room, okay. He would have run screaming once he saw my calligraphy set, my coin collection, my chainmail corset from the Renaissance fair... well that's pretty cool.

[The Mother steps out for a moment after Louis proposes to her]
The Mother: Hi Max, it's me. Sorry to interrupt, I know you're probably up there playing baseball with your Dad. Um look, I've got a situation here. I think that I've been holding myself back from falling in love again and I think it's because I can't let you go but [nearly breaks down] you're not here anymore, so... I have to ask this. Would it be okay if I moved on? I realize that you have no way of answering that, but [feels sudden gust of wind] okay. I'll take that as a yes. In that case, I should get back in there. [moves to door, but] I guess this is it. For real this time... Bye, Max.

Sunrise [9.17][edit]

[Ted admits that he broke up with Victoria because of Robin, who wants to know the truth]
Ted: I'm not gonna answer the question, because you know the answer. You want to talk about my Top Five? There's no Top Five, Robin, there's just a Top One - and it's you. And the only reason I'm saying it is, 'cuz I know it's not gonna change anything. You and Barney are getting married today. If I have to hold the shotgun myself, it's happening.
Robin: I thought you don't like guns.
Ted: I'm the best man. I swore on the Bro Code. I don't want to go to Bro Hell.
Robin: Bro Hell sounds bad.
Ted: I'm sure Barney's got a whole thing about Bro Hell.
Robin: But... What about when we get back from our honeymoon? What about our first night out at the bar, what then? Is it gonna be weird?
Ted: No.
Robin: How can you be so sure?
Ted: Because I'm not gonna be there. I'm moving to Chicago.

[Barney counsels Justin and Kyle on The Game]
Barney: A few final thoughts. Don't get married 'til you're 30. Play laser tag at least once a week. Give as many high-fives as you're gonna get. Teacup pigs are lady magnets but very hard to care for - not worth the effort. The same goes for dogs and babies. And most importantly, whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary unless your friends are there to see it. Good luck, boys. [gives them napkins detailing pages of the Playbook] Take care of the Game for me. [leaves]

Rally [9.18][edit]

[Marshall and Lily help Marvin settle on his first day of college at Wesleyan in 2030]
Lily: My baby boy's in college. Did you pack enough undies?
Marvin Eriksen: Yes, Mom! [shushes]
Marshall: Your father did a lot of puking in these hallowed halls - from binge studying. [to Lily] Saved it.
Lily: That reminds me mister, no underage drinking. no good comes from hanging out in bars and getting drunk
Marvin Eriksen: But every story from your 20s starts in a bar.
Marshall: [stern] Listen to your mother.

[Having tried to rouse Barney, Lily asks for the secret ingredient to his special hangover elixir, but...]
Barney: [groggy] The secret ingredient... is nothing.
Robin, Lily, Marshall, and Ted: Huh?!
Ted: I ate too much bacon.
Barney: Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir is a lie... That's the secret. [collapses]

Vesuvius [9.19][edit]

[Lily just turned off the TV as Robin is watching The Wedding Bride Too]
Robin: Did you just turn off the bride's TV on her wedding day?
Lily: Oh oh, is this your wedding day? I'm sorry! Couldn't tell, because you're acting like its any other Sunday morning, and it's not!
Robin: Lily, if you're waiting for me to suddenly turn into the wedding bride, you just give up, that's not me.
Lily: Fine, maybe we should just act like this wedding's no big deal, and you know what? I don't feel like wearing my bridesmaid's dress.
Robin: Great, it's just a wedding. Who cares what people wear?
Ted: [shows Barney another suit in a different room] SAY YES TO THIS SUIT!!!
Barney: [crying] I can't. I can't! [Ted throws suit on to the floor]

[Ted has just narrated to The Mother how Robin's mother made it to Farhampton]
Ted: And that's the story, right down to the surprise ending.
The Mother: Is that really such a surprise? Um, yeah, of course she showed up, what mother wouldn't want to be at her daughter's wedding?

Daisy [9.20][edit]

[Marshall talks to Lily after discovering her positive pregnancy test]
Marshall: Lily... you're gonna have a baby?
Lily: [pause, teary-eyed] I told you guys I could keep a secret. [embraces Marshall]
Robin: Uh Barney, this is my mom.
Barney: Hi!
Genevieve Scherbatsky: Hello - [shakes Barney's hand but startled at embrace] Oh! He's a hugger. Nothing like your dad.
Lily: [to Marshall] I'm sorry, I was gonna tell you tonight -
Marshall: No, oh my God no that's fine. There’s so much we have to do. We have to do research on, uh, hospitals in Italy. We have to -
Lily: We’re not going to Italy.
Marshall: Of course we are. Lily, we have to do this. You’re going to live in Rome. And you’re going to get your dream, 'cause you’re giving me mine — again.
Lily: But there's gonna be all sorts of paperwork - and if she's born outside of the US, she could never become President!
Marshall: [startled] It's a girl?
Lily: Oh I don't know, but in my mind, I kinda think she is!
Marshall: I love you so much. [embraces Lily]

[Robin's mother tries to comfort her daughter]
Genevieve Scherbatsky: Oh darling, you're going to be fine. You know for every marriage in the world like I had with your dad, there's a marriage like [points to Marshall and Lily inside the bride's room] those two in there. Marriage is terrifying. It's like flying, you know - you're filled with a mortal dread, but if you find someone you feel safe with, it's like, flying! But if you got someone that is really there for you, someone you can depend on, you're gonna be fine. Do you have someone like that?
Robin: [contemplates] I do.

Gary Blauman [9.21][edit]

[Barney recalls hating Gary Blauman because he ate four of Barney's French fries at MacLaren's, one of which being...]
Ted: You don't take a man's accidental curly!
Marshall: You take a man's wife before you take his accidental curly!
Lily: If you wanted curly fries so bad, why not just order them in the first place? [scoffed at by the guys]
Ted: Yeah, that's what you want? All curly fries?
Marshall: Regular cut, with a few accidental curlies, that's what you want!
Barney: That's the dream!
Ted: He is right. That is the dream.

[Future Ted reflects on Gary Blauman coming back to the wedding after being told off by the gang]
Future Ted: You will be shocked, kids, when you discover how easy it is in life to part ways with people forever. That's why when you find someone you want to keep around, you do something about it.
Ted: [to Mother] So I guess... goodnight.
The Mother: Goodnight. [shares long kiss with Ted] Unless, do you want to walk around some more? It's still early.
Ted: Sure.
The Mother: [Walks off ahead, but sees Ted looking at her] What are you doing?
Ted: [pauses] Remembering this.
The Mother: [offers hand] Come on. [they walk off]

The End of the Aisle [9.22][edit]

[Robin calls Ted on letting Barney take credit for finding her locket, and thinks she should go to Chicago with Ted]
Ted: Stop, stop! You're saying this because you're scared! I am not your future. Barney is.
Robin: Shouldn't I be with a guy who finds me my locket? The guy who steals me the blue French horn? I mean look me in the eye and tell me why shouldn't I be with that guy?
Ted: Because I'm not that guy anymore.
Robin: Then why did you work so hard to find me my locket?
Ted: It was a wedding gift.
Robin: Ted stop it, okay? I've known you better than that. This is more than a wedding gift.
Ted: Maybe it started out that way. Maybe some part of me thought -
Robin: - that you still loved me.
Ted: Maybe, but the truth is - I don't love you like that anymore, and you don't love me. You love Barney, and if you think I would ever be part of screwing that up, then maybe you don't know me at all, Robin.

[Having failed to help Barney write his vows, Marshall and Lily go to the church for their own updated vows]
Marshall: I vow to keep at least 80% of these vows.
Lily: That seems high.
Marshall: And I vow to keep them updated as we go, because one set of vows can't cover a lifetime of growing and changing with you, of raising children with you. Falling more and more in love with you everyday, Lily Aldrin, which is what I vow to do for the rest of my life.
Lily: [tears] Crap, I already broke my crying vow.
Marshall: I'll forgive you. [kisses Lily]

Last Forever [9.23-24][edit]

Part I[edit]

[Ted and The Mother meet at McLaren's over a wedding matter]
Ted: Did you wire the down payment to the castle guy? [to Barney] I got a castle guy.
Barney: I've got, like, three castle guys. And a moat guy.
The Mother: So I didn't wire the payment because I don't think we can get married in September.
Ted: What-What, why? -
The Mother: Because, when I do get married, I kind of want to fit in my dress. [makes belt motion around waist]
Ted: Why wouldn't you f - [catches on that The Mother is pregnant] No!!

[Lily sees Robin leaving the apartment farewell bash in October 2016. She insists on Robin staying for the gang, but...]
Robin: The gang? Do you know who the gang is to me, Lily? Here's what the gang is - A married couple who I never see anymore, about to have their third kid, it's my ex-husband hitting on slutty cops right in front of me, and it's the guy I probably should have ended up with and the beautiful mother of his child. Who in their right mind would call that group of people ‘the gang’?

Part II[edit]

[Barney sees the baby girl he sired with No 31 from The Perfect Month]
Nurse: This is Ellie. [hands baby to Barney] I'll give you guys a minute. [leaves]
Barney: [teary-eyed at seeing his daughter] You are the love of my life. Everything I have, and everything I am... is yours [nearly breaks down] Forever. [kisses baby]

Ted: And that, kids, is how I met your mother.
Penny Mosby: That's it?
Ted: That's it.
Penny: No. I don't buy it. That is not the reason you made us listen to this.
Ted: Oh, really? Then what's the reason?
Penny: Let's look at the facts here. You made us sit down and listen to this story about how you met Mom, yet Mom's hardly in the story. No. This is a story about how you're totally in love with Aunt Robin. And you're thinking of asking her out, and you want to know if we're okay with it.
Ted: I can't believe this. I kept this story short and to the point, and you guys still missed it. The point of this story is that -
Penny: Is that you totally, totally, totally have the hots for Aunt Robin.
Ted: No, I don't.
Penny: Yes, you do.
Ted: You're grounded.
Luke Mosby: Wow, you're really into Aunt-
Ted: You're grounded too! Okay, suppose I were interested in Aunt Robin in that way, it's not like I'd do anything about it. I got you guys to think about.
Penny: Dad, we love Aunt Robin.
Luke: Whenever she comes home for dinner, you guys are so obvious.
Penny: Come on, Dad. Mom's been gone for six years now. It's time.

Cast[edit]

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
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