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Batman Returns is a 1992 film that pits the caped crusader against both the Penguin and Catwoman.
- Directed by: Tim Burton Written by: Bob Kane and Daniel Waters
[edit] The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot
- [to Max] Actually... this is all just a bad dream. You're home in bed. Heavily sedated, resting comfortably, and dying from the noxious pollutants you've personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony, or poetic justice? You tell me.
- Odd as it may seem, Max, you and I have something in common. We're both perceived as monsters. But somehow, you're a well-respected monster, and I am... to date... not!
- [about his parents] I just want to know... why they did what they felt they had to do... to a child who was born... a little different. A child... who spent his first Christmas - and many since - in a sewer...
- A penguin is a bird that cannot fly! I am a man. I have a name. [pauses, reluctant to accept it] ... Oswald Cobblepot!
- I was their number one son, and they treated me like number two! But it's human nature to fear the unusual. [After visiting his parents' grave]
- [to Batman, after they both encounter Catwoman] I saw her first. Gotta fly!
- [to a crowd of voters] I may have saved the mayor's baby, but I refuse to save a mayor who stood by, helpless AS a baby, while Gotham City was ravaged by a disease that turned eagle-scouts into crazed clowns and happy homemakers into catwomen!
- [seeing Catwoman] Just the pussy I've been looking for.
- [to Catwoman] Why should I trust some Cat-broad, anyway? Maybe you're just a screwed-up sorority chick who's gettin' back at her daddy for not buying her that pony when she turned sweet sixteen.
- [to Catwoman] You're beauty and the beast in one luscious Christmas gift pack.
- Just relax. I'll take care of the squealing, wretched pinhead puppets of Gotham!... You gotta admit, I've played this stinking city like a harp from hell!
- [after a failed attempt to kill Batman] He didn't even lose a limb! An eyeball! Bladder control!
- [when an angry crowd throws various things at him] Why is it that someone always brings eggs and tomatoes to a speech?!
- MY NAME IS NOT OSWALD! IT'S PENGUIN! I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING!!! I AM AN ANIMAL!!! COLD-BLOODED!!!
- [showing up at Max's party] You didn't invite me, so I crashed!
- Right now, my troops are fanning out across town, for your children! Yes - for your first-born sons! The ones you left helpless at home, so you could get juiced on Max's Shreggnog, and dress up like jerks, and dance badly!
- [addressing his penguin army] My dear penguins, we stand on a great threshold! It's okay to be scared; many of you won't be coming back. Thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish all of God's children! First, second, third and fourth-born! Why be biased?! Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal with their erogenous zones BLOWN SKY-HIGH!!! FORWAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD MARCH!!! THE LIBERATION OF GOTHAM HAS BEGUN!!!!!
- They wouldn't put me on a pedestal, so I'm layin' 'em on a slab!
- [fighting Batman] You're just jealous 'cause I'm a genuine freak, and you have to wear a mask!
- But what it all comes down to is, who's holding the umbrella?!
- [Poisoned by toxic waste after falling into the sewer water, he aims an umbrella (normally armed with a gun) at Batman, only to reveal a child-entertainer one] AUGH! SHIT! I PICKED THE CUTE ONE... UGH, AGHH!... This heat's gettin' to me... AUGH... I'll murder you momentarily... [chokes] But first... I need a cold drink of iced water... [falls over gurgling and choking, dead]
- I believe the word you're looking for is 'Aaaaaaaaaah!!!'.
[edit] Catwoman/Selina Kyle
- Wow! The Batman... or is it just Batman? [After meeting Batman for the first time]
- Honey, I'm home! Oh, I forgot. I'm not married.
- [to Schreck] How can you be so mean to someone so meaningless?
- I don't know about you, Miss Kitty, but I feel so much... yummier. [after her first transformation into Catwoman]
- I am Catwoman. Hear me roar.
- [to intervening police officers] You poor guys. Always confusing your pistols with your privates.
- [after Batman hits her] How could you? I'm a woman! [Batman lets his guard down and she attacks] As I was saying, I'm a woman... and can't be taken for granted. Life's a bitch; now so am I.
- Saved by kitty litter. [looks at the arm Batman napalmed] Bastard.
- [after appearing during Batman's rescue of the Ice Princess] Did someone say fish? I haven't been fed all day.
- Gotta go, girl talk! [After capturing the Ice Princess]
- It's always the so-called "normal" guys that let you down. Sickos never scare me. At least they're committed.
- [to Bruce Wayne, after mutually uncovering each other's secret identities] Oh God... does this mean we have to start fighting?
- You killed me. The Penguin killed me. Batman killed me. That's three lives down - you got enough in there to finish me off?! [To Schreck]
- Four....five...still alive! [as her lives are being depleted by gunshots]
- Six… Seven… All good girls go to heaven... [As she is shot for the third and fourth time.]
[edit] Batman/Bruce Wayne
- (to Catwoman after she says she hasn't eaten all day) Eat floor. (throws her down) High fiber.
- (last words in the film) Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will towards men... and women.
- (When the Batmobile doesn't compact like it should) Alright, now I'm a little worried.
- (responding to Alfred's comment about "security" when repairing the Batmobile) Security? Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave? I'm sitting there working. I turn around, there she is. (sarcasticallly) "Oh, hi Vick. Come on in!"
[edit] Other Characters
- Ice Princess: The tree lights up and then I push the button. No, no, wait, wait! I press the button and then the tree lights up, I press the button and then the tree lights up...
[edit] Dialogues
- [Max Shreck meets the Penguin for the first time]
- Penguin: Hi.
- [Max gasps, as if about to comment on Penguin's appearance]
- Penguin: I believe the word you're looking for is... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHH!!! [pause] Actually... this is all just a bad dream. You're home in bed. Heavily sedated, resting comfortably... and dying from the noxious pollutants you've personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony, or poetic justice? You tell me.
- Max: [to himself] My god, it's true. The Penguin-Man of the sewer...
- [The Penguin goes through umbrellas concealing various weapons]
- Penguin: Odd as it may seem, Max... you and I have something in common. We're both perceived as monsters. But, somehow, you're a well-respected monster, and I am... to date... not!
- Max: [regains confidence] Frankly, I feel that's a bum rap. I'm a businessman. Tough, yes, shrewd, okay, but that doesn't make me a monster--
- [Penguin loosens an umbrella featuring a hypnotic spiral. He then spins it, making the spiral twirl.]
- Penguin: Don't embarrass yourself, Max. I know all about you. What you hide, I discover. What you put in your toilet, I place on my mantle. Get the picture?!
- Max: [regarding the umbrella] Is that supposed to hypnotize me?
- Penguin: No. Just give you a splitting headache!
- Max: Well it's not working--
- [Penguin "fires" the umbrella at Max with a deafening gunshot; Max reels back in alarm]
- Penguin: [cackles] You big baby! Just blanks. I mean, seriously - would I go through all this trouble tonight just to kill you? No, Max. I have an entirely other purpose. [turns solomn and sad] Thing is... I've been lingering down here too long. It's high time for me to ascend. To re-emerge... with your help, your know-how, your savvy. I wasn't born in the sewer, you know. I come from...
- [He indicates a hole up to the surface]
- Penguin: Like you. And, like you, I want some respect! A recognition of my basic humanity! But most of all... I want to find out who I really am. By finding my parents. Learning my human name. Simple stuff that the good people of Gotham take for granted!
- Max: [skeptical] And exactly why am I gonna help you?
- [One of Penguin's men hands him a grimy Christmas stocking]
- Penguin: Ah, what have we here?...
- [He gropes inside, and takes out a flask, opening it and pouring an eerie green liquid out onto a slab of stone. It hisses and dissovles part of it on contact.]
- Penguin: First... a batch of toxic waste, from your "clean textile plant". There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back!
- Max: [not worried] That could've come from anywhere.
- Penguin: What about the documents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?
- Max: If there were such documents - and that's not an admission - I would have seen to it they were shredded.
- Penguin: [grins] Good idea...
- [He next gets out some paper - shredded and stuck back together]
- Penguin: ... But a little patience - and a LOT of tape - make all the difference. By the way, how's Fred Adkins, your old partner?
- Max: [rattled] Fred? He's... actually, he's been on an extended vacation, and... well, I think he's good.
- Penguin: [chuckles sinisterly] "Good"...
- [He reaches into the stocking again - and pulls out a severed hand]
- Penguin: [scarily cheerful voice] "HIYA, MAX! REMEMBER ME?! I'M FRED'S HAND! YEAH, YOU WANNA MEET ANY OTHER BODY PARTS?!" [normal, dangerous] Remember, Max: you flush it, I flaunt it.
- [Max considers briefly]
- Max: You know what, Mr... Penguin, sir? I think perhaps I could help orchestrate a little welcome-home scenario for you. And once we're both back home, perhaps we can help each other out.
- Penguin: You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck.
- [He shakes Max's hand - using Fred's severed one and leaving Max holding it]
- Selina Kyle: Ok, Intimidate me, bully me if it makes you feel big. I mean it's not like you can just kill me!
- Max: Actually, it's a lot like that.
- Catwoman: You're catnip to a girl like me. Handsome, dazed, and to die for. You're the second man who's killed me this week, but I've got 7 lives left.
- Batman: I tried to save you.
- Catwoman: Mmm... seems like every woman you try to save winds up dead... or deeply resentful. Maybe you should retire.
- Catwoman: Please. I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.
- Penguin: Ya lousy minx!!! I oughta have you spayed! You sent out all the signals!
- Batman: Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
- Catwoman: But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it.
- Penguin: You're just jealous because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask!
- Batman: You might be right.
- Josh: There aren't a lot of reflective surfaces down in the sewer? (everyone laughs)
- Penguin: It could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood. (everyone laughs again)
- Josh: (to himself, confused) Your nose could... gushing blood? (to Penguin) What do you mean by that--? (Penguin bites his nose)
- [After escaping from a mob, Penguin returns to his underground lair. The place is packed with penguins, who rush to greet him]
- Penguin: My babies... they missed me...
- Henchman: Great speech, Oswald--
- Penguin: [knocks him aside] MY NAME IS NOT OSWALD! IT'S PENGUIN! I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING!!! I AM AN ANIMAL!!!!! COLD-BLOODED!!!!!!!!
- one of Penguin's men: I mean killing sleeping children... isn't that a little...
- (Penguin shoots him)
- Penguin: No! IT'S A LOT! (kicks the dead henchman into the sewage river)
- Penguin: You don't really think you'll win, do you?
- Batman: Things change.
[edit] External links
