Batman Returns

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Batman Returns is a 1992 film that pits the caped crusader against both the Penguin and Catwoman.

Directed by: Tim Burton Written by: Daniel Waters

Catwoman/Selina Kyle[edit]

  • I don't know about you, Miss Kitty, but I feel so much yummier.
  • I am Catwoman. Hear me roar.
  • You poor guys. Always confusing your pistols with your privates.
  • Life's a bitch, and now so am I.

The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot[edit]

  • Hi. I believe the word you're looking for is "AHHHH!!!" Actually, this is just a bad dream. You're really at home, heavily sedated, resting comfortably, dying from the carcinogens you personally spewed during a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony, or poetic justice? You tell me!
  • I wasn't born in the sewer, you know. I come from... [indicates to the opening of a drain pipe, then turns to Max] Like you. And like you, I want some respect. A recognition of my basic humanity. But most of all... I wanna find out who I really am. By finding my parents; learning my human name. Simple stuff that the good people of Gotham take for granted!
  • A penguin is a bird that cannot fly! I am a man! I have a name: Oswald Cobblepot! I was their number one son, but they treated me like number two, but it's human nature to fear... the unusual. I guess... when I shook my Tiffany baby rattle with... a shiny flipper instead five chubby digits, they freaked, but I forgive them.
  • I could do this Mayor stuff. It's not about power. It's about reaching out to people, touching people, groping people!
  • [addressing his penguin army] My dear penguins, we stand on a great threshold! It's okay to be scared; many of you won't be coming back. Thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish all of God's children! First, second, third and fourth-born! Why be biased?! Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal, with their erogenous zones BLOWN SKY-HIGH!!! FORWAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD MARCH!!! THE LIBERATION OF GOTHAM HAS BEGUN!!!!!
  • [screaming at his henchmen] My name is not Oswald! It's Penguin! I am not a human being! I am an animal! Cold-blooded!
  • [fighting Batman] You're just jealous because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask!


[One of Penguin's men hands him a grimy Christmas stocking]
Penguin: Ah, what have we here?... [takes out a flask, opening it and pouring an eerie green liquid out that dissolves a slab of stone.] First... a batch of toxic waste, from your "clean textile plant". There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back!
Max: [slightly nervous] That could've come from anywhere.
Penguin: What about the documents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?
Max: If there were such documents - and that's not an admission - I would have seen to it they were shredded.
Penguin: [grins] Good idea... [shows shredded papers stuck back together] But a little patience - and a LOT of tape - make all the difference. By the way, how's Fred Adkins, your old partner?
Max: [rattled] Fred? He's... actually, he's been on an extended vacation, and... well, I think he's good.
Penguin: [chuckles sinisterly] "Good"... [pulls out a severed hand, goes into scary voice] "HIYA, MAX! REMEMBER ME?! I'M FRED'S HAND! YEAH, YOU WANNA MEET ANY OTHER BODY PARTS?!" [normal] Remember, Max; you flush it, I flaunt it.
Max: [reconsiders] You know what, Mr... Penguin... Sir? I think perhaps I could help orchestrate a little welcome-home scenario for you. And once we're both back home, perhaps we can help each other out.
Penguin: You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck. [shakes Max's hand with Fred's severed one and leaving Max holding it] There you go.

[Batman confronts Penguin at the site of one the Red Triangle Circus Gang's crimes]
Batman: Admiring your handiwork?
Penguin: Touring the scene. Grimly assessing the devastation. Upstanding mayor stuff.
Batman: You're not the mayor.
Penguin: Things change.
Batman: What do you want?
Penguin: Ah, the direct approach. I admire that in a man in a mask. [pause] You don't really think you'll win, do you?
Batman: Things change.

Batman: Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
Catwoman: A kiss can be deadlier, if you mean it.

[After escaping from a botched rally, Penguin returns to his underground lair. The place is packed with penguins, who rush to greet him]
Penguin: My babies... did you miss me?
Red Triangle Clown: Great speech, Oswald!
Penguin: [punches him aside] MY NAME IS NOT OSWALD! IT'S PENGUIN!! I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING!!! I AM AN ANIMAL!!! COLD-BLOODED!!! CRANK THE AC!!! Where are my lists?! Bring me the names! It's time... These are the names of the firstborn sons of Gotham City, just like I was. And like me, a terrible fate waits for them: tonight, while their parents party, they'll be dreaming away in their safe cribs, their soft beds. And WE WILL SNATCH THEM, DRAG THEM INTO THE SEWER, AND TOSS THEM INTO A DEEP, DARK WATERY GRAVE...!
Red Triangle Fat Clown: Ermm... Penguin? I mean, killing sleeping children... isn't that a little..?
Penguin: [shoots clown with gun umbrella] No! IT'S A LOT! [Kicks the dead henchman into the sewage river]

(Bruce Wayne has come to Max Shreck's fancy-dress Christmas ball without a costume)
Max Shreck: Ingenious costume, let me guess. Trust-fund goody-goody.
Bruce Wayne: Feeling good, huh? Yeah, well, you almost made a monster of the Mayor of Gotham City.
Max Shreck: I am the light of this city...and I am its mean, twisted soul. Does it matter who's Mayor?
Bruce Wayne: It does to me.
Max Shreck: Yawn.

(Penguin has crashed Max Shreck's Christmas ball to kidnap Max's son)
Penguin: I've personally come for Gotham's favorite son, Mr Chip Shreck! You're coming with me, you great white dope, to die way down in the sewer!!
Max Shreck: Not Chip! If you have an iota of human feeling, take me instead!
Penguin: [hesitates] I don't! So no!
Max Shreck: I'm the one you want! Ask yourself. Isn't it Max Shreck who manipulated and betrayed you, eh? Isn't it Max, not Chip, who you want to see immersed to his eyeballs in raw sewage?
Penguin: [hesitates again] Okay, you've got a point.

Penguin: You're just jealous because I'm a genuine freak, and you have to wear a mask!
Batman: You may be right.

Max' Shreck: I don't know what you want, but I know I can get it for you, with a minimum of fuss! Money, jewels, a very big ball of string.
Catwoman: Your blood, Max.
Max' Shreck: My blood... I gave, at the office.
Catwoman: A half pint, I'm talking gallons.
Max' Shreck: Let's make a deal, other than my blood. What can I do for you?
Catwoman: Sorry, Max, a die for a die!

[Batman saves Shreck from Catwoman]
Max Shreck: You're not just saving a life, you're saving...
Batman: Shut up. You're going to jail.
Catwoman: Don't be naīve! The law doesn't apply to people like him or us!
Batman: Wrong on both counts.

Catwoman: You killed me. The Penguin killed me. Batman killed me. That's three lives down - you got enough in there to finish me off?!
Max Shreck: One way to find out.[shoots Catwoman twice]
Catwoman: Four... five... [swings whip around, then cracks it loudly] Still alive! [hit twice again; limps toward Max] Six... seven... all good girls go to heaven... [Max fires the gun again, but it is empty; laughs] Two lives left I think I'll save one for next Christmas. But in the meantime... How about a kiss, Santy Claus? [electrocutes Schreck]

Alfred Pennyworth: Well, come what may. Merry Christmas, Mr. Wayne.
Bruce Wayne: [sadly] Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will toward men... and women.


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