Beavis and Butt-Head

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Beavis and Butt-Head (1993–1997, 2011) is an American animated television series that originally aired on the cable television channel MTV. It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, Beavis and Butt-head.

Contents

Pilot Episodes[edit]

Frog Baseball[edit]

[Beavis is about to set a fly on fire using a lighter]

Butt-head: Light one up its butt.

[Beavis does so, then drops the burning insect in order to see it explode. Both of them are now laughing.]

Butt-head: That was cool.

[The pair both play air guitar, in celebration of their antic, until they see a frog]

Beavis: Look, dude! A frog!
Beavis and Butt-head: FROG BASEBALL!!
Butt-head: GET IT!!

[Butt-head constantly misses the frog with the bat]

Beavis: Strike One! Strike Two! Strike Thr... AAAARRGH!

[Butt-head hits Beavis on the back of the head with the bat]

Butt-head: Ball. Huh huh.

[Butt-head hits the frog with the baseball bat]

Butt-head: YES!!

Butt-head: That was cool.

[The pair hum out Deep Purple's "Smoke on the Water" as a celebration for killing the frog. They soon see a poodle nearby]

Beavis: Look, Butt-head! Mrs. Higgins' poodle!
Beavis and Butt-head: DOG BASEBALL!!
Butt-head: GET IT!!

[The pair chase the dog as it fades to the end credits, where the dog is heard wimpering]


Peace, Love & Understanding[edit]

Season 1[edit]

Blood Drive[edit]

Beavis: Don't wanna fall in mud!
Butt-head: All I wanna do is sell my blood!
Beavis: What do you think they pay for like a gallon of blood?
Butt-head: Just be cool Dude! Don't take their first offer!
Beavis: How they do like get it out Dude?
Butt-head: They give you a big knife, then you cut your hand and like bleed in the bucket. Huh, Huh
Beavis: Hea hea, that's cool!
Butt-head: They give you a big old bottle of 'Mad Dog 20/20' to drink first. Huh, Huh
Beavis: High Test!
Butt-head: And then, when you're done. Don't forget to stand up realy fast.
Beavis: Hmmhhh
Butt-head: If you're lucky you'll pass out!
Beavis: Cool!

Door To Door[edit]

Sign Here[edit]

van Driesson: Now people, do you know what I mean, when I say that animals are sentient creatures? Daria?
Daria: They think and feel just like us?
van Driesson: Wel just like most of us, anyway. And that brings us to our next class project. : Did you know people that a furrier is planning to set up a shop in this town ?
Butt-Head: Huh Huh, furrier than who? Huh Huh
Beavis: Heh Heh, Yeah Heh Heh
van Driesson: Who can tell me how they kill these poor little animals that they use to make those furs? Anybody?
Daria: Anal electrocution?
van Driesson: That's correct.
Beavis: What's that mean ?
van Driesson: Tell the class, Daria.
Daria: 50.000 Volts up the butt!
Butt-Head: Huh Huh, That'd be cool!
Beavis: Wonder what that feels like.
Butt-Head: Huh Huh, ask your Dad! Huh Huh
van Driesson: Do you wanna say something, Butt-Head?
Butt-Head: Er, Huh Huh, on behalf of the class I would like to propose a field trip so we can observe this freeing techniques!
van Driesson: I don't think so,Butt-Head! In fact, I think our duty as passengers on spaceship earth is to put a stop to these monstrous acts right away! So class, our assignment is a lesson in the people's power. We're going to take a petition door to door and collect enough signatures to keep the furriers out of town.

[Beavis & Butt-Head going from door to door]

Butt-Head: Er wanna save some mixed butts ?

[Next]

Beavis: Er,you like animals ?
Woman: What ? What ? Just a minute. Shut up ! Shut up or I have to put your slipe! Now, what did you want ?
Butt-Head: Er never mind ! Huh Huh

[ On the way to the next door]

Beavis: No one is gonna sign this thing!
Butt-Head: Yeah! huh huh! Petitions are stupid!

[Next]

Drunken man: What do you want ?
Butt-Head: Huh Huh, check this out! We're givin away beer! Just sign here!

Balloon[edit]

Butt-Head: Tattoos are cool.
Beavis: Yeah yeah! I'm gonna get one!
Butt-Head: You could have "I'm a puss" tattoo on your butt.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-Head!

Beavis: Think she's a diver?
Butt-Head: Ask your mom.
Beavis: Choadsmoker.

[after Beavis and Butt-head inhaled the helium from the balloons to get a buzz]

Beavis: [high-pitched voice] I don't feel nothing.
Butt-head: [high-pitched voice] Huh huh huh. What's wrong with your voice, dude?
Beavis: [high-pitched voice] What's wrong with yours?
Butt-head: [high-pitched voice] Oh no.
Both: [high-pitched voices] WE'RE NEUTERED!

Season 2[edit]

Be All You Can Be[edit]

Sergeant: Seems you boys joined by assigning youselves a rank. So, which one of you signed up as "Major Woody" and "Private Parts?!" Why you little pinkos!

Sergent: I can get you delayed entry, your own uniforms, grenades, and ammo. I can probably get you stationed over at Fort Dix.
Butt-Head: Fort Dix? Is that anywere near fort nuts?

Sergent: Has anybody in your familiy been in the service?
Butt-Head: Uh, Beavis's dad was in the navy.
Sergent: Is that so?
Butt-Head: Yea he was a seaman.

Customers Suck[edit]

Mr. Stevenson: Excuse me are your milkshakes made from real milk and ice cream, or do you use that reconsitited shake mix stuff.
Beavis: Ya
Mr. Stevenson: What do you mean ya? Ya, you use the shake mix? Or ya, you use the real stuff?
Beavis: Ya
Mr. Stevenson: Let me talk to the manager.
Beavis: Ya
Butt-Head: Uhh I'm an assistant manager, is there something I can help you with?
Mr. Steavenson: Yes, I'm trying to ask a simple question. Are your shakes made with shake mix, or ice cream and milk?
Butt-Head: Uhh, we have chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.

Butt-Head: (over the drive thru speaker) Uh go away. Were like closed or something.

Heroes[edit]

Home Improvement[edit]

Mr. Anderson: Now, you'll only be painting the trim, and if I see so much as a drop of paint anywhere's else, you'll clean it up and it'll come out of your pay. I don't want to see a whole lot of brush strokes and bubbles neither. You know, back when I was in the service, they'd throw a fella in the brig for messing up the paint job. Now, I'll be back in a a while to see how you're doing.

[Mr. Anderson leaves.]

Butt-Head: This sucks.
Beavis: Yeah.

[Mr. Anderson is describing Beavis and Butt-Head to some police officers.]

Mr. Anderson: One of 'em calls himself Butthole. The other one's name is Joe, I think.
Police Officer: And what did these boys look like?
Mr. Anderson: I believe they were oriental.

Stewart's House[edit]

[after Beavis and Butt-Head flipping through the channel until the ad for the Death Truck on Pay-per View appears]
Beavis: Yes! Order it, dude!
Butt-Head: We can't. Huh huh. They locked us out after Steven Seagal Month.
Beavis: That sucks!

Butt-Head: Hey, Beavis. I heard if you filled the room up with gas and light a match, all the oxygen disappears and you get a killer buzz!

Mr. Stevenson: This is bad, boys, for a number of reasons. First is the trust factor. Stewart, we trusted you to stay home unsupervised. Now you violated that trust, didn't you?
[Beavis and Butt-head laugh]
Mr. Stevenson: Now you two, you came into my house and you blew it up. Luckily, I've got homeowner's insurance.
Butt-head: Huh huh huh. I bet you do.

Beavis and Butt-Head: STEWART'S HOUSE!!!

Yogurt's Cool[edit]

Babes R Us[edit]

Butt-head: Hey! Spank your own monkey all you want, but keep your hands off of mine.

Beavis, Butt-head: [in unison] Diarrhea, cha cha cha! Diarrhea, cha cha cha!
Daria: Get a life.

Butt-head:go away, diarrhea!

Friday Night[edit]

Both Beavis and Butt-Head: SATURDAY NIGHT!!

Scientific Stuff[edit]

Daria: Butt-head, why don't you try this experiment? Analyze the friction caused by digitally oscillating your weiner.

[Beavis and Butt-head both laugh]

Butt-head: That was cool.

At The Sideshow[edit]

Be All You Can Be[edit]

Butt-head: Beavis' dad was in the Navy.
Sgt. Dick Leaky: Is that right?
Butt-head: Yeah. He was a seaman.

Washing the Dog[edit]

Butt-head: [reading off the washing machine] Huh huh huh, it says ‘load'.

Beavis+Butt-head: [[singing to the tune of "Breaking the Law" by Judas Priest ] Washing the dog, washing the dog! Washing the dog!

Butt-head: [placing the dog in a washing machine] It's a poodle, set it on "delicate".

Beavis: Hea hea, I barfed on the dog.
Butt-Head: Huh huh, I barfed on you.

Lawn & Garden[edit]

Mr. Anderson: Now, I want you boys to prune both of these trees up front here and I, uh...

[Beavis and Butt-Head start to laugh.]

Mr. Anderson: Hey, you boys look familiar. Aren't you the ones that ran off with my riding mower last week?
Butt-Head: Uh...no.

[Beavis and Butt-Head laugh.]

Mr. Anderson: You the ones that painted my cat's butt?
Butt-Head: No.

[Beavis and Butt-Head laugh.]

Mr. Anderson: Well, the cops'll get 'em. Luckily, I've got homeowner's insurance.
Butt-Head: You've got what? Huh-huh, huh-huh, huh-huh.
Mr. Anderson: Homeowner's insurance.

[Beavis and Butt-Head laugh harder.]

Mr. Anderson: Now, have you boys done any pruning before?
Butt-Head: Yeah.

[Beavis and Butt-Head laugh.]

Mr. Anderson: You know, back when I was your age, I'd work 14 hours a day pruning trees and still have time to come home and mow the lawn.

[Beavis starts picking his nose.]

Mr. Anderson: I'll be back in a while to see how you're doing. Remember, it ain't what you cut, it's what you don't cut.

[Mr. Anderson walks away.]

Butt-Head: What a dork.
Beavis: Yeah.

[Beavis and Butt-Head laugh.] [Mr. Anderson opens the fridge on his porch, grabs a beer, and shuts the door.]

Mr. Anderson: Boy, oh, boy. What I wouldn't give for five minutes alone with those little bastards that took my mower.

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, do you think a man will ever land on Uranus?
Butt-Head: Maybe on your anus.

[Beavis and Butt-Head laugh.]

Mr. Anderson: What are y'all doing? Choking your chicken? Come on, let's get to pruning.
Beavis: What are we supposed to do again?
Butt-Head: Uh...I forgot. Huh-huh, huh-huh. Oh yeah, I think, we're supposed to, like, cut off the branches.
Beavis: All of them?
Butt-Head: Yeah, I guess.
Beavis: Cool!

[Mr. Anderson is in the side yard slowly drinking his beer then casually smoking a cigarette.] [Beavis is busy trying to cut off some branches, when a light bulb goes off in Butt-Head's head.]

Butt-Head: Hey, since we gotta cut off all the branches, let's just cut it right down here.[Points at the tree trunk.]
Beavis: Yeah. Then we get 'em all at once. You're pretty smart, Butt-Head.
Butt-Head: Yeah. Maybe he'll pay us extra.
Beavis: Yeah, that would be cool.

[Mr. Anderson is still drinking his beer and smoking his cigarette in the side yard.] [Butt-Head is using a chainsaw to cut down the tree. Mr. Anderson still drinks, unaware that the tree is swaying in the background. The tree falls on the house and the impact sends Mr. Anderson to the ground. The tree pulls down a telephone pole that smashes a nearby blue car. A few more poles come down smashing more cars and Mr. Anderson's fence.]

Butt-Head: Whoa! That was cool! Huh-huh, huh-huh, huh-huh.
Beavis: Yeah. This chainsaw kicks ass. Pruning is cool!
Butt-Head: Yeah! Let's go prune some power lines.

[Butt-Head hoists up the chainsaw, turns it on, and he and Beavis start head banging and imitating guitar riffs to 'Paradise City' by Guns n' Roses. Mr. Anderson shows up and is speechless. Butt-Head turns off the chainsaw.]

Butt-Head: Huh-huh, huh-huh, huh-huh. We're gonna have to charge you extra, sir.
Beavis: Yeah, we pruned the house too.

[Beavis and Butt-Head laugh. Mr. Anderson is still speechless.]

Butt-Head: That was cool.

[They continue laughing.]


[Beavis and Butt-Head are playing court in an open field next to the street, using a grasshopper as the defendant]

Butt-Head: Huh, huh, this court is now in session.
Beavis: I know you've been sworn sir, and I have read your complaint. Heh, heh.

[Butt-Head punches Beavis in the face]

Butt-Head: It's my turn to be the judge, ass-wipe!
Beavis: Oh yeah. Heh,heh.
Butt-Head:Huh, huh, huh,... Okay. This court is now in session. How do you plead to these charges of, uh......
Beavis: Trespassing. Heh, heh, heh.
Butt-Head: Oh yeah, trespassing. And buzzing around and getting in my face and stuff. Huh, huh, huh, how do you plead to these charges against you?
Beavis: The defense rests!
Butt-Head: Huh, huh, huh, shut up! Okay. I hearby sentence the defendant to death by ........ uh...death by, uh....huh, huh, huh, saw off his tweeter! Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh.

[Beavis whips out Mr. Anderson's chainsaw and mutilates the grasshopper; also chopping off Butt-Head's index finger which bleeds continuously]

Beavis and Butt-Head: (singing Judas Priest Breaking the Law) BREAKING THE LAW, BREAKING THE LAAAAWWWWWW; BREAKING THE LAW, BREAKING THE LAAAAWWWWWWW!!!!!
Butt-Head: [index finger is still bleeding] Huh, huh, huh....that was cool.

Burger World[edit]

Mr. Anderson: Hey, you look kinda familiar. You ain't them kids that spray painted my dog last week, are you?
Butt-head: Uh huh huh, that was uh... other kids.
Mr. Anderson: Well, anyway, large fries, pie, large coffee, NOW. You got me, bubba?
Butt-Head: Uh...
Mr. Anderson: I didn't order "uh". I ordered a large fries, pie, large coffee.

Bedpans & Broomsticks[edit]

Good Credit[edit]

Beavis: hey butthead, look what i found yesterday.
Butt-head: WOAH, where'd ya find it?
Beavis: Anderson's house.

Pet store attendent: Will there be anythings else?
Butt-Head: Do you have any dead animals?

Way Down Mexico Way[edit]

Dave: Now it's time for you boys to earn your keep. Look in the glove box.
Butt-head: [opens the glove compartment and pulls out two condoms] Oh no, Dave's gonna boof us.

"----

Butt-head: Mexico really sucks!

For Better or Verse[edit]

Mr. Van Driessen: Today, we're going to explore the world of haiku.
Butt-head: We're gonna explore the world of getting high? Cool! Huh huh.
Mr. Van Driessen: No, Butt-head. Not "high, cool". But, the ancient, Japanese, spare, haunting poetry called "haiku".
Butt-head: That was cool uh-uh, when we killed that frog, uh-uh. He won't croak again.

Beware of the Butt[edit]

[both are hanging upsidedown from the movie sign with their pants down]
Butt-head: [looking at Beavis' butt] Huh huh, your butt kinda looks like baloney. With pimples.
Beavis: Hey! Why are you so interested in my butt!?
Butt-head: Uh….have you heard that new Gwar album?

[Beavis and Butt-head has just taken a picture of the disgusting butt, assuming it belongs to an ugly man having sex with a beautiful woman. They are soon scared when they see the real owner of the butt, an obese woman pop her face in front of the van's back window to face them]
Woman: You boys think you have a problem with my butt! I'm gonna kick your butts all over this drive in!

Woman: You boys ready to die!
Beavis and Butt-head:[Screams] Buttwoman!
[The obese woman laughs maniacally and chases the boys around. They fall down after jumping over the fence and are later seen hanging upsidedown without their pants. On the Drive-In Sign, it says "Hello, Look At Our Butts!"]

At The Movies[edit]

Sick[edit]

[Beavis is licking a toad, as some sort of remedy for his illness]

Butt-head: I don't get it. It's supposed to pack an awesome buzz.

[Beavis spits out the toad]

Beavis: Mmmmmm. Tastes like chicken.

[The pair go looking for the toad]

Beavis and Butt-head: Here, toadie, toadie.

No Laughing[edit]

Mr. Herrera: Bueno. Recuerdan por favor, clase, siempre contestan en Español. Bueno? (Alright. Remember please, class, always answer in Spanish. Okay?) [he walks to the back of the room with a sign that says Juan es Alto (John is tall)] Senor Butt-head, ¿Como es Juan? (Mr. Butt-head, how is John?)
Butt-head: Uh, burritos.
Mr. Herrera: No no no, ¿Como es Juan? ¿Como es Juan?
Butt-head: Uh, guacamole.
Mr. Herrera: No, no. ¿Senor Beavis, Como es Juan?
Beavis: Um, spaghetti.
Butt-head: Heh heh. Spaghetti?
Mr. Herrera: Spaghetti? That's Italian, you moron! Dammit! You idiots have been in this class for almost a whole school year, and the only Spanish you know is what you learned at Taco Bell and Beavis can't even get that right! I'm gonna give you little bastards just ten seconds to come up with a sentence in Spanish, and if you can't, you're both going to the principal's office and you're both flunking. [pause] Well, I'm waiting.
Butt-head: Uuuuh.. [mocks Spanish accent] rendo-pordo-curdoh-nut-a-ben-yubarduhvuh Rico Suave. Huh-huh.
[The class are heard laughing.]
Mr. Herrera: Principal's office, now!
Beavis: [Gears are turning in his head] Uh, Taco Supreme.
[The class continues laughing.]
Mr. Herrera: Get out! Now!

[Butt-Head is holding a pencil over his crotch depicting an erected penis. He and Beavis are laughing at it. Butt-Head then holds the pencil over his desk and drops it. It hits the desk with the eraser end, causing it to bounce off of the desk. It flies through the air and into Beavis's left eye and Beavis bleeds from his eye, screaming.]
Beavis: [screaming] AAAAGH!! OWW!!!!!!
Butt-head: Whoa, that was cool, it really does happen.
[Beavis pulls the pencil out of his eye socket and chuckles]
Mr. Stevenson: Okay. Armstrong?
Armstrong: Here.
Mr. Stevenson: Armyho?
Armyho: Present.
Mr. Stevenson: Baca?
Baca: Yo!
Mr. Stevenson: Butkis?
Daniel Butkis: Here.
[Beavis and Butt-Head begin to laugh]
Mr. Stevenson: Dammit, what's wrong with you two? We've been in school over seven months now, and every single day, when I call Daniel Butkis' name, you guys have to laugh.
[Beavis & Butt-Head laugh some more]
Mr. Stevenson:Is it really still that funny?
[Beavis and Butthead laugh]
Mr. Stevenson: Doesn't it ever get old? Are you gonna laugh for the rest of your lives every time someone says the name Butkis?
[Beavis and Butthead laugh]
Mr. Stevenson: That does it. Principal's office, now!

Mrs. Dickie: Therefore we can say that any two amoeba are identical twins since they have the same genetic makeup. They are all the same sex and can reproduce by themselves. [Beavis and Butt-Head begin to laugh, while Butt-head shakes and throws two dice] So all sperm cells contain either an X chromosome or a Y chromosome, and-
Butt-Head: She said sperm.
Mrs. Dickie: Depending on which sperm cell fertilizes the egg - I said, depending on which sperm cell fertilizes the egg, the zygote will be either male or female - SHUT UP!!! [Beavis & Butt-Head continue to laugh] McVicker's office, now!

[At McVicker's Office. Beavis and Butt-head are laughing.]

Principal McVicker: Oh, you guys think this is funny? You've been to four classes today and you've been sent here four times. And this laughing thing...What the hell is with this laughing thing?! All the teachers are sick of it! Mr. Sherman, your history teacher, says he's completely given up on trying to teach your class about the gay 90s. [Beavis and Butt-Head start laughing harder] See? See?! Now that's exactly what I'm talking about! You are both suspended for a week!
Butt-Head: [He and Beavis stop laughing temporarily, still grinning] Uhhh... what's that mean?
Principal McVicker: I-I-It means I-I-I don't want to see you anywhere near this school for a whole week!
Butt-Head: Cool! [he and Beavis start to act like they are playing guitars to the riff of 'Paradise City' by Guns n' Roses]
Principal McVicker: SHUT UP! Forget it. No no, you're not suspended. No, I've got a better idea. Yeah, hah-hah-hah-hah!! I'm gonna get you guys this time. [He takes a bottle of "Old Crow" out from under his desk, Beavis and Butthead start laughing again as McVicker drinks the whiskey]

Buzzcut: Soooo, Beavis and Butthead. I understand Mr. McVicker has made a little arrangement with you guys, yeah, a little probation. You see, class, Beavis and Butthead here are not allowed to laugh for a whole week. That's right, and if they do laugh, they'll be expelled and they'll have to go to Hope High School where they'll get their asses kicked on a daily basis by all the other delinquents! Ha ha ha!
[class giggles, except for Beavis and Butthead who struggle to hold their laughter]
Buzzcut: Well I was real glad to hear that because this is Sex Education week. That's right, Sex Ed week! [Beavis and Butt-head struggle to hold in their laughter] We're gonna be talking about the PENIS! We'll be talking about the VAGINA! Do you think that's funny, Butthead?! Do you find it amusing that we'll be talking about the testicles?! [Butt-head strains to hold in his laughter] Yes we're also gonna be talking about Venereal Disease! Sexual intercourse! The Scrotum. The Clitoris. And...And we will definitely be spending a LOT of time talking about MASTURBATION! [class giggles; Beavis and Butt-head struggle to hold in their laughter] Well, now that that's out of the way, let's take roll. Butkis!
Butkiss: Here. Ha ha ha.
Buzzcut: Gaylord! Hymen!
[school bell rings and Beavis and Butt-head dart out of the doors, rapidly laughing]
Butt-head: Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh, huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh...
Beavis: Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh, heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh...

Note: This is the DVD cut version which was edited to be exactly 6 minutes. In the original version, Buzzcut also says that they will be talking about the "scrotum" and "clitoris," but does not take roll of the names with obvious vulgar connotations. Also, a scene at the end in which Beavis and Butt-head say "They said penis...they said masturbation...they said vagina...that was cool" is not present.

Baby Makes Uh, Three[edit]

Butt-head: I am going to beat you like a red-headed stepchild!

Butt-head: And it is with utmost regret that I must report that our baby was stolen by gypsies in the night.

The Butt-head Experience[edit]

Butt-head: You asswipe! I was trying to have a wet dream.

Season 3[edit]

Comedians[edit]

Butt-head: Uh...Hey Beavis. I got an idea.
Beavis: Yeah, me too! Let's go over to Stewart's house and burn something. [holds up a lighter]
Butt-head: No, dumbass. Let's become one of those 'stand-up chameleons' and get a bunch of money.

Butt-head: Here's another one. How do you keep a moron in suspense?

[long pause, Beavis stares intently]

Butt-head: ....Uh...I dunno.

Member of Audience: You suck, get off!
Butt-head: Uh, is that what she said?

Beavis: You ever wonder why so much stuff sucks? Sometimes I look at one of these little straws, and I go, 'This sucks'.
Butt-head: Huh huh, this is cool.
Beavis: One thing about gym class....it sucks. Okay, now I'm gonna like...juggle.
Butt-head: Go for it, Beavis!
Beavis: This is gonna be cool. [holds up a newspaper and lights it on fire]fire! fire!

Carwash[edit]

Couch-Fishing[edit]

Policeman: Oh no, not another elderly woman flying down the street. They never learn.

Old woman: What happened to my spectacles?
Butt-head: Uh, your testicles?

Kidnapped[edit]

Naked Colony[edit]

Store clerk: Are you two gonna buy something or are you gonna stare all day?
Butt-head: Uh, we're gonna stare all day.

Butt-head: [reading an advertisement in a magazine] Uh Sunny Grove Nudist colo... cola.. naked people.

Tornado[edit]

Beavis: Tornadoes are cool! They can drive matches through a 2x4!

Incognito[edit]

Butt-head: [fake accent] I'm Bunghead and he's Crevasse. Huh huh. We are foreign extra-strange students.

Butt-head: [fake accent] He was aiming at us. Huh huh.
Beavis: [fake accent] He didn't fire. Fire Fire Fire! Heh heh heh. Fire! Huh heh heh. Yeah.

Cleaning House[edit]

Scratch 'N' Win[edit]

Scared Straight[edit]

Butt-Head: Prison rules.

Sperm Bank[edit]

Nurse: Well gentlemen, go to work.

[Beavis unzips his pants]

Nurse:...On your tests.
Beavis: ...oh. [zips back up]

Nurse: Where's your container?
Beavis: I was supposed to use a container?

[Mr. and Mrs. Stevenson and the sperm doctor are shocked to find the boys goofing off juggling the jars]

Doctor: You kids are going to pay for those.
Butt-head: No problem dude, you want cash or should we go spank the monkey again.
Beavis: Yeah.
Mr. Stevenson: What the hell!? These are the boy geniuses you're talking about!? What's so funny you little twerps!? I'LL SPANK YOUR MONKEYS!!!

Butt-head: He's fallen and he can't 'get it up'.

Citizen Butt-head[edit]

True Crime[edit]

Butt-head: Huh huh huh. Maybe we should go buy something.
Beavis: Yeah. Heh heh heh. Like what? Heh heh heh.
TV announcer: Good evening and welcome to America's Most Hated. What you're about to see is a crime so heinous, so replusive, so actual, it may shake your very faith in human nature.

The Trial[edit]

Judge: You don't want me to appoint you an attorney, a lawyer who can take your case?
Butt-head: I can handle it, dude. I've like, seen The People's Court.
Judge: You'll need someone who knows the laws, who's familiar with the penal system and--
Beavis: [Laughing with Butt-head] She said penal.

Ball Breakers[edit]

Buff 'N' Stuff[edit]

Buzzcut: You are what you eat! You got three food groups, and they sure as hell ain't fries, Chips Ahoy, and Milk Duds! And you all wonder why your faces look like topographic maps of the Himalayas!

Buzzcut: Are you a man?
Butt-head: Uhhh, yeah.
Buzzcut: What makes you think so?
Butt-head: Uhhh, I got testicles.
Buzzcut: You think that makes you a man? I'll show you a real man! KICK ME IN THE JIMMY!
Butt-head: No way!
Buzzcut: I said DO IT!

[Butt-head kicks him in the nuts, Buzzcut strains]

Buzzcut: Yyyyeesss! Do it again! Do it HARD!

[Butt-head kicks him again, Buzzcut strains]

Buzzcut: Yyyyeessss!!
Butt-head: Whoa, that was cool.

Canoe[edit]

Butt-head: Told ya dude. Huh huh. He wants you.

[For this, Beavis' face turns red and whacks Butt-head's face with an oar. A fight ensues until both boys fell off the canoe]


Mr. Van Driessen: OK, Stew, let's pitch a tent.

[Beavis and Butt-head laugh]

Mr. Van Driessen: Grab a pole.

[Beavis and Butt-head laugh]

Mr. Van Driessen: Stick it in the hole, Stewart.

[Beavis and Butt-head laugh]

Mr. Van Driessen: OK, boys, lets erect this thing.

[Beavis and Butt-head laugh when they emerge from the bushes in their underwear, and then they begin to itch from the poison ivy]

The Crush[edit]

[Beavis and Butt-head are eating nachos outside Maxi-mart, when Todd parks his car, running over their trikes]

Todd: Where's the pre-schoolers at who parked their sucky little trikes in my spot?

[The pair raise their hands. Todd holds Butt-head against the window whilst putting his foot on top of Beavis' throat]

Todd: If my arm weren't so sore from my new tattoo, I'd smear both your asses all over the parking lot.
Beavis: Whoa, heh heh, cool.
Todd: Give me those nachos and those fruity whips and I might not shove these handle bars up your butt.
Butt-head: Err, Okay.

[Todd consumes the nachos and drink before driving off]


Todd [Whilst suffocating Butt-head]: What do you fuzz-nuts want?

Eating Contest[edit]

Butt-head: They're gonna lose.
Beavis: Where's the bratwurst?

Foreign Exchange[edit]

Meet God[edit]

Young, Gifted & Crude[edit]

[being told about a character from a Swords and Sorcery game]

Butt-head: Hey Beavis...I got a 'charmed long staff' [turns around, then turns back with dice up his nose]

Plate Frisbee[edit]

Beavis: (On the phone with the Home Shoping network) Yea, I'd like to order one of those pubic zercroniums.

Politically Correct[edit]

Sporting Goods[edit]

Coach Buzzcut:(Reading Beavis and Butt-head's self written note) Please excuse Beavis and Butt-head from wearing althetic sip-otters. They were unable to buy them because of a national sip-otter shortage. Hell that's funny boys.
[Shows Beavis and Butt-head a front page with themselves wearing an eye patch as Athletic Guard.]
Coach Buzzcut: Accortding to the school press, you had no problem at all locating the necessary equipment.

[Beavis and Butt-head are dueling grasshoppers]
Beavis: Your's is a wuss.
Butt-head: Shut up Beavis.

Closing Time[edit]

Butt-Head: One family pack of chicken nuggets.
Beavis: One large Cola.

(tosses both at the ceiling fan, splattering it.)

Buttt-Head: Would you like fries with that?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah I will.

Most Wanted[edit]

Beavis: Butt tattoos kick ass!
Butt-head: And ass tattoos kick butt.

Beavis: Voices are cool. I hear voices too. They tell me to do stuff like stay home from school, and watch TV, and, like, break stuff, and like...
Butt-head: Whoa. Preach on, brother Beavis.

Season 4[edit]

Wall of Youth[edit]

Student: [while discussing about Jurassic Park] ..and then he attacked the dude in his own car.
Beavis: The dinosaur had a car?
Butt-head: How else you think he's got there, dumbass? On a bike?
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!

[Beavis and Butt-head began slapping each other]


[The crowd gasped as the wall was unveiled to be spraypainted with crude band names including "SLAYER", "OZZY", etc.]

Beavis: It's a tribute to the people who died in the Vietnam War.
Man in crowd: [outraged] My uncle was killed in the war!

Cow Tipping[edit]

Beavis: Getting kicked in the nads by a cow sucks!
Butt-head: Uh, That's not a real cow, dude. That's like a deer.
Beavis: How did you know?

[After mistaking a horse for a cow, they learn to identify cows by 'those fingers next to their butt that you squeeze to get like, milk and stuff']
Beavis: Heh heh, hey Butt-head, squeeze my finger.
Butt-head: Which one, Beavis? The finger by your butt?
Beavis: Heh, yeah! Pull that one.
Butt-head: [sings] Old MacDonald had a farm, E...uhh, I? Z? Is there, like, a Q in there?
Beavis: Yeah, heh heh, [sings] E-I-Q...uhh, Z...M.

Butt-head: Hey Beavis. I heard if you tip a cow over while it's sleeping, cool stuff happens.
Beavis: Really? Like what?
Butt-head: Uh...it falls over?
Beavis: Cool! We're there, dude!

Trouble Urinating[edit]

Buzzcut: [teaching Beavis and Butt-head how to urinate after they forget how] Okay boys! I'm gonna make this easy! On the count of one, unzip your pants! And one, unzip your pants! [Beavis and Butt-head laugh] On the count of two, take out your penises!
Beavis: Two's my favorite, heh heh.
Buzzcut: And two! On the count of three, start leaking! Three, let's go! LEAK, LEAK, LEAK, LEAK, LEAK!
[Beavis and Butt-head obviously don't urinate]
Butt-head: Huh huh huh.
Buzzcut: Okay, you wussies. You're gonna stand right there until you can get it right. And don't come out until you're done. [Buzzcut leaves]
[Beavis and Butt-head continue to laugh]

[Beavis and Butt-head are in a female doctor's office, who is trying to "teach" them how to urinate again while playing music]
Doctor: Now, just relax. Clear your mind of any thoughts.
Beavis: What is that? Huh huh huh.
Doctor: Close your eyes, and imagine you're floating on a river. Let the water take you wherever it wants to. Just relax and go with the flow.
Beavis: Hey Butt-head. I can feel it.
Butt-head: Yeah. Huh huh. Me too.
[We start to hear a dripping sound. Beavis and Butt-head are wetting their pants]
Butt-head: Huh huh huh. And the water's warm. Huh huh huh. Huh huh huh.
[The dripping sound continues, and the doctor looks up from taking her notes, noticing with a shocked look on her face. She drops her notes]
Doctor: Okay, not here. Stop-stop-stop it! Stop urinating! STOP URINATING!
Butt-head: I forgot how to stop. [A line of wetness moves up Butt-head's shirt]
Beavis: Yeah, heh heh. Just relax. Go with the flow.
Doctor: St-stop it! Stop it!
[Beavis and Butt-head continue to urinate, while the doctor continues trying to get them to stop, as she gets up on her desk, obviously because Beavis and Butt-head have been urinating enough to wet the floor of the room]

Butt-head: Huh huh. Urinating's cool.
Beavis: Hey Butt-head. Do dogs urinate? Heh heh heh.
Butt-head: Beavis, you dillweed. Of course they urinate. Why do you think they lift their leg? Huh huh huh.
[Beavis and Butt-head proceed to lift one of their legs while urinating on a bush. A dog then comes over and urinates on the same bush.]

Rabies Scare[edit]

Butt-head: Woah, check it out.
Beavis: Heh, yeah. Stupid dog.
Butt-head: Uh, I heard if you like, don't act scared, they won't attack you.
Beavis: Heh, how do you do that?

[The dog leaps and bites Beavis' leg]


[talking to some other kids, referring to the dog bite]

Butt-head: Huh huh, you wanna touch his bone?
Beavis: Yeah, heh, touch it.

Kid: Decent! Is it contagous?
Butt-head: No. I disinsected it. [pours a sports drink onto the wound] Sports drinks have nutrients.

Buzzcut: Listen up, morons. Some short-sighted federal appeals judge says I can't use this on you. [pats batton] But remember this: In this classroomm, I am the judge, the jury and the jailer!
Butt-head: [to Beavis] Does it hurt when I do this? [pokes the bite with the pointy end of a compass]
Beavis: OOOOW!
Butt-head: Huh, that was cool.
Buzzcut: Do you gentlemen have a problem? Do you wish to enlighten the class as to what is festering on your leg, Beavis?
Beavis: Heh, dog bite.
Buzzcut: Well. I thought you looked rabid, boy. Now listen close. Get the hell out of my classroom before you infect anyone else with your sickness! You stink of death! Butt-head! This man requires immediate medical attention!
Butt-head: ...uh....
Buzzcut: HOSPITAL, Butt-head! On the double!
Butt-head: Yessss!

Hospital Receptionist: Can I help you?
Butt-head: Uh, he's got like, rabies or something.
Hospital Receptionist: I see. What's your name?
Butt-head: Uh, last name is 'Munch'. First name is 'Rodney'.
Beavis: Yeah, heh heh, yeah. Rod Munch.

Doctor: So Rod, I understand you got bit by a dog. Well, don't be scared, cause look: a dog bit my thumb off once too, Rod. [does trick that makes it look like he's taking his thumb off]
Butt-head: Uh huh huh. You're stupid.
Beavis: Heh, yeah.
Doctor: Now Rod, I don't suppose you brought the animal with you?
Butt-head: Uh, no. He wasn't like, very friendly.
Beavis: Yeah, heh, he doesn't like me.
Doctor: Well, we'll have to find him anyway. In a suspected case of rabies, the animal has to be destroyed, of course. And to check for presence of the disease, he cut off the head and disect the brain.
Butt-head: Woah. That's cool.
Doctor: Actually, yes. It is kind of cool.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on, Butt-head, let's go find that dog.
Doctor: Not so fast, Rod. Let's talk about your symptoms first. Any dizziness? Nausea? Fever? Any convulsions?
Beavis: Yeah. Heh, uh, no more than usual though.
Doctor: Hmm, so far nothing checks out. Maybe you were lucky.
Butt-head: Uh, you mean like, no decrapitation?
Beavis: I've got it, I've got rabies!
Doctor: ...okay. I'll call the police and let them know about the dog. But first, we better start treatment.
Butt-head: Does he have to get a shot?
Doctor: No.
Beavis: Cool.
Doctor: You have to get 18 of them, Rod.
Butt-head: Yes!
Doctor: In the stomach.
Butt-head: Cool!
Beavis: ....this sucks.

TV: The good news about rabies is that treating it no longer means a series of painful injections into the solar plexus. New vaccines require only 5 simple shots in the arm.
Butt-head: Hey Beavis. How come that stupid doctor didn't know that?
Beavis: Maybe he doesn't watch TV.

[switch to the Doctor, who is in a dark room wielding a needle]

Doctor: Hahahaha! Rod Munch, huh? HAHAHAHA!

They're Coming To Take Me Away, Huh Huh[edit]

Buzzcutt: Now, listen up people. I am not an unreasonable man, but I say that there's nothing wrong with you little monsters that can't be cured by a quick return to the days of CORPOREAL PUNISHMENT!
Buzzcutt: Now, here to talk about your feelings is your new school psychiatrist, Dr. Floss.

Dr. Floss: How about your parents? Your mother, for example. How do you feel about your mother?
Beavis: Um, like this...(gesturing the shape of his mother's body) Yeah. Heh-heh. Kinda like this...(continuing to gesture).
Butt-head: That's not how I feel your mother.
Beavis: Shut up, fartknocker!
[slaps Butt-head down to the floor]

Beavis: I got the last grape! [takes the last grape sucker]
Butt-head: No way, Beavis! I saw it first!
Beavis: [Spits on the sucker] My germs!
Butt-head: [slaps Beavis, causing him to scream] No way! [gets kicked in the groin, followed by the head] Uuh! [gets tackled by Beavis] Aah!
Beavis: [continues screaming] Butthole!
Beavis: [while they're on the couch, in a somewhat suggestive position] No way! Come on, Butt-head! I always get the grape!
Butt-head: It's not gonna taste like grape, when it's up your butt!

Dr. Floss: [holds up a picture--merely a random pattern] What do you see in this picture?
Butt-head: It's this dude, and he's like "auditioning his finger puppets". Huh huh.
Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. He's "shining his helmet".
Dr. Floss: I see. And what do you see here? [holds up another picture of random shapes]
Butt-head: Whoa... He's really corralling the tadpole.
Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. He's really peelin some chilis.
Dr. Floss: I see. What about this one? [holds up another picture of no particular shape]
Butt-head: Woah... Leave a little for next time, dude!
Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. He's really, like, having a tug-of-war with Cyclops!
Dr. Floss: I see.
Butt-head: [takes the picture and looks at it] Paper or plastic, sir?
Butt-head: Huhuh...he's masturbating.
Dr. Floss: And how about this last drawing? [shows a picture of a Julio Iglesias-like singer holding his microphone pole between his legs in a suggestive manner]
Butt-head: Uhh...that's, like, just a bunch of weird shapes.
Dr. Floss: Fascinating. [calls for Principal McVicker via intercom] Principal McVicker, could you come in here? We've got big problems.

Jump![edit]

Pumping Iron[edit]

Weight Lifter: You were supposed to be spotting me! Stickboy!
Butt-Head: Uh... There you are. Uhuhuh
Beavis: Yeah yeah, heh heh, I spotted you right over there.
Weight Lifter: [lifts them up by the neck and growls]
Beavis: [while choking] Heh heh hey, don't make me kick your ass.

[The weight lifter throws them through the window]

Butthead: ...Exercise sucks.

Let's Clean It Up[edit]

1-900-BEAVIS[edit]

Butt-head: Huhuh, I can like, hear her butt!

Butt-head: Let's not use our real names.
Beavis: Yea
Butt-head: [on the phone] I'm Beavis and he's Butt-head.

Water Safety[edit]

[after Buzzcut saves Beavis and Butthead from near drowning]

Buzzcut: Butthead, do you have an explanation for your inexplicable behavior?!
Butthead: Uhh...I was dead? Uh huh huh.
Beavis: Heh heh. Yeah. He was dead. Heh heh.
Buzzcut: Do you or do you not have a reason for placing MY LIFE and MY ACCREDITATION at risk?!
Butthead: Uhh...I can't swim. Uh huh huh.
Beavis: Yeah. Heh heh. Me too.
Buzzcut: And what about your PATENT disregard for BEAVIS! Do you not care a RAT'S ASS for the safety of your closest companion?
Butthead: Uhh...no.

Blackout![edit]

[Beavis and Butt-head are watching TV]
TV Voice-over: We now return to Robert Yearing, Mellissa Gilbert, and Lou Ferigno in "Asbestos in Obstetrics."
Beavis: Hey, Butt-head! What is Astesbos?
Butt-head: Uhh... It's like, health food or something.

Cop on a van loudspeaker: Do not panic. There has been a small transformer explosion at the electric plant. Power will be restored shortly. Cititzens are advised to store fresh water supplies and canned goods. Or, uh, you should have already done that, I guess. Hope you did. Attention citizens! Do not panic.

[A blackout occurs, and people are looting around town]

Butt-head: Are they having another one of those Midnight Madness sales?
Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. WE'RE SLASHING PRICES! EVERYTHING MUST GO!
Butt-Head: That was cool. We gotta find a place to watch tv.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah.

[Two men come out of a broken store window with a tv.]

Beavis: Hey, they've got one.
Butt-Head: Yeah. (Yelling to the men offscreen) Hey, wait up, dude.
Cop (offscreen): FREEZE POLICE!
(Gunshot)
Butt-Head: Uhh.. never mind.

[Mr. Van Driessen is directing traffic.]

Mr. Van Driessen: That's right, everyone. If we all work together and respect one another's space, we'll get through this crisis with a newfound sense of community.

[A truck driver is passing by.]

Truck Driver: (to Mr. Van Driessen) Get out of the street, you longhaired panty-waist!

Mr. Van Driessen: (Directing traffic) I need to go coordinate the emergency shelter at the Y, but I can't move my post until I'm relieved.
Butt-Head: Uhh... just go behind a building, dude. No one will see.

Butt-head: Mr. Stevenson, is that you?
Mr. Steveson: Beavis, Butt-head, thank god! What happened? Tell me what happened!
Butt-head: Our TV broke.
Beavis: Can we watch it at your house?

[Mr. Stevenson groans]


Late Night With Butt-head[edit]

Mr. Van Driessen: Now, I'm going to close my eyes, and I want you to wow me.
Butt-head: Uh...Is that allowed on school property?

Butt-head: (as David Letterman) So we're going to go over our Top 10 List from our home office in Butt, Montana. (bounces pencil on table which goes flying right through Beavis (Paul Shaffer)'s glasses)
Beavis: AGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
Butt-head: WHOA! That was cool!

Butthead: We're gonna kick Letterman's butt.

The Final Judgement of Beavis[edit]

Beavis: So like, in heaven, will all the chicks do anything I want?
St. Peter: No.
Beavis: That sucks. Do I get X-Ray Vision? Can I get some nachos?
St. Peter: No.
Beavis: Are you sure this is heaven?

Beavis: What do you know, asswipe?
St. Peter: I know everything, buttmunch.

Butt-head: Beavis is not dog food. He's worm food.

Pool Toys[edit]

Tom Anderson: You know, when a man builds a new swimming pool, there's some things he just can't do by himself.
Butt-head: Beavis does things by himself.

Tom Anderson: (Cleaning his glasses, unable to notice that his two workers are Beavis and Butt-Head wearing nerd glasses) Well I can see you boys aren't like the usual hooligans hanging around here. Like these two fellows, uh, Buff-Coat and Beaver. Boy, they've been nothing but trouble.

Madame Blavatsky[edit]

(Beavis and Butt-Head see a sign sponsoring fortune-telling) (Arabian music plays for two seconds)

Beavis: Woah, hey check that out!

Butt-Head: (pronouncing fortune teller) Fuh..fuh fart..Fuuh..forr..tuu Fortune, huh, huh, Fortune Teller.

Beavis: Yeah, heh, heh, heh, let's go tell her our fortune. Heh, heh, heh.

Butt-Head: No dumbass. She tells your fourtune.

Beavis: Oh, heh, heh, heh, hey Butt-Head, what's that mean?

Butt-Head: You know, your future.

Beavis: Heh, heh, heh, what's that mean?

Butt-Head: I don't know. Huh, huh, huh.



Madame Blavasky: (on the phone) YOU BETTER NOT COME AROUND HERE AGAIN LESTER, OR I'M CALLING THE COPS!!! (Beavis and Butt-Head walk inside) Wait, I got some customers.


Madame Blavasky: I see... a mansion... with many faithful servants.... a yacht...

Beavis: I don't see any of that crap.


(Beavis and Butt-Head are walking) (Beavis is wearing a Professor Quirrel-like headdress)

Butt-Head: I didn't know you were psychic Beavis.

Beavis: Yeah, remember what those doctors said on those tests?

Butt-Head: No Beavis, they said you were psycho.

Beavis and Butt-head Island[edit]

  • Salesclerk: You boys don't look like you can afford anything in the store. Am I right?
  • Butt-head: Uhh...
  • Beavis: Umm...
  • Salesclerk: ONLY paying customers are allowed to come here and stare. Now, get out!

  • Janator: (noticeing that Beavis and Butt-head have been on the island in the fountain for a very long time) You do know that the water is only like two feet deep and you can walk across, Right?

Figure Drawing[edit]

[after the male model becomes nude]

Butt-head: Uh, tacos? You said there were tacos?
Beavis: I don't feel too good. I don't want to draw some dude's schlong.

Date Bait[edit]

Butt Is It Art?[edit]

Butt-head: [referring to a nude male statue's penis] Huh, huh...it's hard, but it's not, like, hard?
Mr. Van Driessen: Very good, Butt-head!

Mr. Van Driessen: Now, works by the master painters of the centuries!

[Beavis and Butt-head break into laughter. Daria enters]

Daria: He said master painters!

[Daria exits]

Butt-head: Oh!
Beavis: Yeah, master painting is cool.

Beavis: What did you bring back, Butt-head?
Butt-head: One huge boob. [shows Beavis] What did you bring back?

[Beavis shows Butt-head a picture of something flesh colored]

Butt-head: Uh, what is it?
Beavis: Heh heh. It's a butt.

Right On[edit]

Gus Baker: You've got the Gus Baker show, and the first topic: The death penalty! Yes or no?!
Butt-head: Yes!
Beavis: Yes! The chair!! The chair!!! The chair!!!
Gus Baker: In my opinion, you betcha!
Butt-head: Yes!
Beavis: Yes! The chair!! The chair!!
Gus Baker: And they call me reactionary...because I believe that criminals should be punished, and ordinary Americans like you and me should have the right to carry guns!
Butt-head: This dude's cool.
Gus Baker: Also on today's show: Music videos! Who makes these affronts to common decency?! Where I come from, we have a word for garbage like that!!
Butt-head: Yeah. They suck!!
Gus Baker: But first, a commercial! Our lines are open! Give us a call!

Butt-head: We think you're, like, cool.
Beavis: Yeah, especially the part about giving dudes the chair. The chair!! The chair!!
Gus Baker: The death penalty?
Beavis: Yeah, and what you said about bums.
Butt-head: And music videos.
Gus Baker: Well, you know what they say--great minds think alike! Listening to you boys, I can tell that our younger generation still has the moral strength and character to make this country great again!
Butt-head: Uhh...what?

Gus Baker: Last week we heard from two boys whose characters were so impressive we brought them out here for today's show! Please welcome Beavis and, uh, Buth-coat!!
Gus Baker: Now, people say that yours is a lost generation...violent, lazy, uneducated, sexually active!!
Butt-head: Huhuh, not Beavis.
Beavis: Heheh, yeah, Butt-head doesn't get any either.
Gus Baker: Well, you two are certainly fine upstanding young men...a credit to the youth of America!
Butt-head: (looking around at the applauding "dittoheads" in the audience) Hey Beavis, you see any chicks?
Gus Baker: Okay, now, boys, I want to ask you: As decent young men,don't you agree with me that there is something very, very wrong with these so-called "music videos?"
Beavis and Butt-head: Yeah!! Really!!
Gus Baker: These "rock videos" are immoral! Indecent! Profane! Scurrillous! And blasphemous!
Beavis: Yeah! They suck! THEY SUCK!!! Indecent! Profane!
Butt-head: Yeah, especially Meatloaf. He sucks!
Gus Baker: Hey! We're on the air! You can't use that language!
Beavis: We use language?
Butt-head: (after Gus Baker whispers into his ear) Hey, Beavis, he says we can't say "sucks."
Beavis: Really? That sucks.
Butt-head: Can we say "buttwipe?"
Beavis: Yeah, how about "bunghole"? Bunghole!
Butt-head: What about buttmunch?
Beavis: Yeah heheh, buttmunch. Or dillhole?
Butt-head: Dillweed?
Gus Baker: Hey! Do you use that language at home?
Butt-head: Uhh...yeah!
Beavis: Hey Gus...Peek-a-boo!! (moons the audience)
Gus Baker: (running in front of Beavis) Cut to the commercial! GET THESE LITTLE BASTARDS OUT OF HERE!!!
Butt-head: Uhh...do you use that language at home?
Beavis: Peek-a-boo!! (presumably moons the security guards who pull him and Butt-head off stage)

Butt-head: (watching a replay in which Beavis' mooning is pixelated) Hey Beavis...what's all that fuzzy stuff on your butt?
Beavis: I don't know...is it still there? (mooning Butt-head)
Butt-head: Uh, no...but it wouldn't hurt to wipe once in a while.
Beavis: Uh...heheh, oh yeah, sorry. I was in a hurry.
Butt-head: Beavis, get your butt out of my face and into that bathroom. Now.
Beavis: Heheh, oh yeah, sorry.

(In the DVD cut, after Beavis moons Butthead he goes straight to simply responding "Beavis, get your butt out of my face now" and the episode ends.)

Manners Suck[edit]

Beavis: [acting as a waiter] Uh, hi, Butt-head.
Butt-head: Hi, Master Beavis.
Beavis: I was suppose to introduce me, bunghole! Uh, welcome to a restaurant. Would you like to take my order?
Butt-head: Yeah, get me some nachos, buttwipe!
Mr. Manners [grabs Butt-head by the collar]: Listen, you little...t-t-twerp! This is my job, this is how I make money! Don't screw with me! [goes back to his place] Now, how about using some manners?
Butt-head: Manners suck.
Beavis: Hey Butt-head. Don't "screw" with him.
Butt-head: Yeah, he sure does like to touch.
Beavis: He tried to touch my weiner!
Mr. Manners: WHAT? YOU LITTLE LIAR! [starts strangling Beavis]
Beavis: BACK OFF, YOU PERVERT!
Mr. Manners: [David Van Driessen comes in] He's lying!
David Van Driessen: Hey! Don't you dare lay a finger on my students! [breaks them up] Beavis, did he hit you?
Beavis: Heh. Um. Heh. Yes, sir. Heh. He did. Heh. Thank you for your concern.
Mr. Manners: What?! you little dirtball!! [goes to attack Beavis, but Van Driessen's hand stops him]
David Van Driessen: You want to touch my students, I'll touch you!!! [Van Driessen and Mr. Manners get into a smack fight, the students start cheering]
Mr. Manners: I'll get you, you little punks!!!
Butt-head: Uh, no thank you, sir.
Beavis: Yeah. Thank you. Drive through.
David Van Driessen: Stop it! [throws a punch] Stop it!
Mr. Manners: You're dead, hippie.
David Van Driessen: You're going to jail, jackass!
Mr. Manners: You're going down, Woodstock!
David Van Driessen: [throws another punch] Take that, you Fascist!!!!
Mr. Manners: You're hurting me! Security!!

The Pipe of Doom[edit]

Butt-head: I wonder if they’re like, pipes for water, or pipes for crap?
Beavis: It would be cool if they had pipes with crap and turds running through them.
Butt-head: They do, dumbass. How do you think all that crap gets out of your house?
Beavis: It doesn't. It's in my basement in little jars.
Butt-head: Thats pretty disgusting, Beavis.

Butt-head: I can't get out. I'm, like, stuck. Huh huh.
Beavis: Really, heh heh. That's cool.
Butt-head: It's not cool, Beavis. I'm not sure yet, but I think it sucks.

Safe Driving[edit]

Mr. Anderson's Balls[edit]

Beavis: Tit-le-ist!

Butt-head: Beavis, your balls are filthy. Go to the ball washer, now!

(Beavis starts pumping ball washer)

Golf Instructor: "You're pulling your head on every stroke."

(They laugh; Beavis pumps washer faster)

Golf Instructor: "Let me see your bag."

(They laugh; Beavis pumps washer even faster)

Golf Instructor: "Here, take your wood and try using a different grip on the shaft."

(They laugh)


Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. We could get rich doing this. We need to get more balls.
Beavis: [laughs] You've got to hear what you just said, Butt-head. You said heh, "we need to get more balls."
Butt-head: Huh huh huh, oh yeah.

Mr. Anderson: Wait a minute! These balls look kinda familiar.
Butt-head: Uh, many balls look the same, sir.
Beavis: Yeah, I have two that are identical.

Patients Patients[edit]

Orthodontist: Well, Butt-head, we're not seeing a lot of progress here. Have you been wearing your rubber bands and headgear at night?
Butt-head: Huh huh huh, headgear.

Buzzcut: Now, Butt-head! You've waited your whole life to say this in class without getting in any trouble. Our topic for today is? [SEXUAL INTERCOURSE is written on the board]
Butthead: [with mouth wired shut, unable to talk clearly] SEFUAL INTERCORFE!
Buzzcut: Say it, you pantywaste! Say it!
Butthead: [still muffled] SEFUAL INTERCORFE!
Buzzcut: Get out of my class you insuboridnated maggot! Beavis! What does this say?
Beavis: [wearing unneeded glasses, cannot read] Uh...uh...uh...
Buzzcut: GET OUT!

Optometrist: Now what do you see [points to vision test board]
Beavis: Ummm. Uh, the alphabet. Heh Heh.

Optometrist: You're not leaving until you get one right.

Points to the letter "O"

Beavis: Oh, that's a letter right?

Young Woman: (Thinking) Please dont let them sit over here. Please don't let them sit over here. Please, god, don't let them sit over here.
Butt-Head: Hey Beavis, let's sit over there.

Butt-Head: Hey baby. You got any cavities?

Teen Talk[edit]

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, someone like, stole our women!
Butt-head: That sucks.
Beavis: Yeah! It doesn't just suck, Butt-head, it like ahhh, REALLY sucks! We're never gonna score! We’re gonna be wussies! Forever!
Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis!
Beavis: No, I can't settle down! We're NEVER gonna score! We’ll get cars and like, we'll get jobs, and we'll have to like, mow lawns and scrub the grill, but we're never gonna score EVER! It's gonna suck!
Bouncer: Hey, I warned you to be quiet! Don't make me come up there!
Beavis: Shut up, asswipe! You probably score! And you're a dork! I'm NEVER gonna score! I'M NEVER GONNA SCORE! IT'S GONNA SUCK! AHHHHHHHHH! AAAHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH!

Crisis Line[edit]

Stewart: I, sometimes I wet the bed. Isn't it, like, normal? What happened if I get married?
Beavis: Is this, is this, uh..... Hey Stewart!
Stewart: (embarrassed) Oh no.
Beavis: Stewart, what a weiner! Heh heh heh!

(Stewart's face turns red in humiliation)

Beavis: (sing-song) Stewart wets his bed, da-na!
Stewart: (humiliated) Oh God!

(Stewart quickly hung up)

Beavis: (sing-song) Stewart wets his bed, da-na! Heh heh heh!

Butt-head: Uh... I've got a crisis... In my pants.

Vs. The Vending Machine[edit]

Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. I just thought of something. Whoever buys the next pork rinds is gonna get our bag, plus another one.
Beavis: Cool! Yeah, let's wait 'til they come, and then kick their ass. Yeah, yeah! Heh heh.
Butt-head: No, dumbass. I mean, like, if we get another 60 cents, we could like, get 2 for the price of 1. Huh huh.
Beavis: 2 for the price of 1? Heh heh. That would be cool!

Butt-head: Uh...I need like, 60 cents, 'cause my friend's like, uh, starving and stuff.
Old woman: Really? Well, where is your friend?
Butt-head: Uh...uh, he's, like, overseas or something.
Old woman: Oh, I've seen those commercials.
Butt-head: Yeah, me too.
Old woman: It's so sad. [She hands Butt-head a dollar] Here you go.
Butt-head: Uh...no. I said I need 60 cents, Buttmunch.
Old woman: [getting into car] That's okay. I don't mind giving a little more.
Butt-head: Uh...okay. [stares at her]
Old woman: Yes?
Butt-head: Uh...I thought you said you were gonna give me some more.

Generation in Crisis[edit]

Reporter: In your own words, Steven, what is your "raison d'être" ?
Beavis: Um... It's in my pants.
Reporter: Where do you picture yourself in ten years ?
Butt-Head: Uhh... Uh uh... Uhh... Uh uh...
Reporter: You have a 21st-century marketplace you're gonna enter would be global electronic village. How are you preparing yourself for what is bound to be a complex and challenging world ?
Butt-Head: Uhh... You said "enter"... Uh uh...
Reporter: What are you feeling, right now ?
Beavis: My left nad. It itches. Can I say "nad" ?
Reporter: There is no censorship of any kind. This is an independant documentary film. With a generous grant from our friends at the exco corporation.
Butt-Head: Uh uh... Censorship is cool.
Beavis: Yeah. Uh uh... Censorship is cool. Uh uh...
Butt-Head: I like when they put these black boxes on people's thingies.
Beavis: Yeah, like... Somebody's talking. And they say "Get the **BEEEEEEEEEEEEP**"
Off Voice: Oh ! Cut !

Radio Sweethearts[edit]

Butt-Head: [reading a piece of paper that says "the tenth caller gets a free pair of Bon Jovi tickets"] The teenth, cooler...
Rabid Ron (Radio DJ): Tenth caller...
Butt-Head: Gets a free tattoo on his butt!
Beavis: Yeah.
Rabid Ron (Radio DJ): A great joke,Butt-head. Of course,he means tickets to tonight's Bon Jovi concert. I'm afraid that's all the time we have for Beavis and Butt-Head,but keep listening because somebody always wins. [They are off the air.](To Beavis and Butt-Head): You guys get the hell out of here and never come back!
Butt-Head: Huh,huh,you're old.
Beavis: Yeah,and you suck-suck-suck-suck-suck-suck! Suck-suck-suck,suck-suck!
Rabid Ron (Radio DJ): OUT!!!
Beavis: Hey, what about our $5 birth certificates,bunghole?
Rabid Ron (Radio DJ): OUT!

The Great Cornholio[edit]

Stewart's Mom: Have you boys eaten breakfast?
Beavis: ....I think I did once.

[eating breakfast burritos]

Butt-Head: Hey Beavis, you think she's going to put a thermometer up his butt?
Beavis: Yeah, heheh, and then she's going to put it in his mouth!
Butt-Head: Ugh! What the hell is this crap? This isn't a burrito.
Beavis: Yeah, I got eggs in mine! She tricked us.
Butt-Head: No wonder Stewart's got diarrhea.

Mr. Van Driessen: It's ironic that we in this country who cherish freedom occasionally support governments who are less responsive to human rights. We're fortunate to have had a very stable government for over 200 years. In other parts of the world, they aren't so lucky. The struggle for freedom is by no means over. It still goes on today in places like Nicaragua, El Salvador, and Panama...
Beavis: Nicaragua? Agua! AGUA FOR MY BUNGHOLE!!!
Mr. Van Driessen: Beavis, please sit down.
Beavis: Are you threatening me? I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO!
Mr. Van Driessen: Come on, Beavis, take your seat. Now, technically America is not a democracy but a republic....
Beavis: (to Daria) Do you have TP? TP for my bunghole?
Daria: Get out of here, Beavis.
Beavis: Uhh, Okay.

Principal McVicker: I don't know what you're thinking, but I simply cannot have students roaming the halls, interrupting other classes, and giving prophecies of a great plague.

Beavis: DO NOT MAKE MY BUNGHOLE ANGRY!

Liar! Liar![edit]

Burger World Manager: [counting money] fifty, sixty, sixty five-
Butt-head: Twelve.
Burger World Manager: Shut up. [counts in the background]
Beavis: One! Twenty-five cents.
Butt-head: Uh, Sixty-nine.
Beavis: Number two.
Burger World Manager: Eighty three, eighty four, SHUT UP.

Beavis: I didn't do it! I didn't do it! It was like...some foreigner.

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, what are they gonna do to us?
Butt-head: I think they're gonna make us take one of those polygrip tests.
Beavis: Oh yeah, that stuff's cool. I found some of that at Anderson's house, and it was like, I put it on my teeth and I was walking around going [clenches teeth together] rrrghgrggrhgrhg.

Butt-head: Beavis, you suck as a liar.
Beavis: Heh, yeah, liar. LIAR! Liar, liar, pants on-...heh! Woah.

[Butt-head is hooked up to the lie detector tester]

Mr. O'Brien: Alright, now I'm gonna ask you some questions. Failure to be truthful, and your responses will be interpreted as an acknowledgment of guilt. Do you understand?
Butt-head: Uh... yeah. [The detector buzzes 'false'] Uh huh huh. Uh, I mean, no. [The detector dings 'true'] Huh huh huh.
Mr. O'Brien: Just tell the truth and you have nothing to worry about. Let's begin.
Butt-head: Uh huh huh huh. [takes a deep breath and holds it] Huh huh...

[Butt-head is still holding his breath, his face is red]

Mr. O'Brien: Okay, now. Please tell me your name.
Butt-head: [trying to hold his breath and talk at the same time] Butt-head...
Mr. O'Brien: Okay, good. Now, Butt-head, could you tell me how many fingers I am holding up?
Butt-head: [his face becomes even more red, yellow bubbles appearing around his head] Uhh, four? [The detector dings 'true']
Mr. O'Brien: Well, it's three, actually, but since you think it's four, you didn't really lie. So, that's good. [Butt-head's face turns crimson red] Now, Butt-head, tell me. In all of your life, have you ever stolen anything?

[Beavis is still in the waiting room]

Beavis: I didn't do it, bunghole! Heh heh.

[The lie detector's pulse papers are moving violently, Butt-head is still holding his breath, his face is now a red hued purple, he is now on the verge of losing consciousness]

Mr. O'Brien: I'll repeat the question, Butt-head. Have you ever stolen anything?
Butt-head: Uhh... [wires start short circuiting, due to violent pulses] Uhhhh... [collapses from asphyxiation] Uh huh huh huh... [the detector lets out a flat pulse]

[Beavis is hooked up to the lie detector tester]

Mr. O'Brien: Good. Well, young man, I'd like to get a base reading here. Could you say something?
Beavis: Uh, heh, yeah, heh.
Mr. O'Brien: Just say anything. The first thing that comes into your mind.
Beavis: Um, heh heh, I killed a bunch of people once.

[The detector dings 'true' and Beavis takes a deep breath and holds it]


News Reporter: When asked how a teenage boy could have commited a crime that happened more than 2 decades ago, a police spokesman explained, quote, "He's very clever".

Season 5[edit]

Held Back[edit]

[In a kindergarten class]
Butt-head: Hey Beavis. These chicks are flat.
[The kindergarten class are read a book by their teacher]
Kindergarden Teacher: Butt-head, are you angry?
Butt-head: I'm, like, angry at numbers.
Beavis: There's like, too many of 'em and stuff.

[Both are taken to the principal's office by the kindergarten teacher]
Kindergarten Teacher [To the principal]: Get these two imbeciles out my class, or find yourself a new kindergarten teacher!

[The pair are brought back to Highland High, where there's a disagreement between the two principals]

McVicker: Star pupils? My ass! These two are morons!
Wilson Elementary Principal: You just weren't reaching them. They've learned everything they're going to learn in elementary school. Their young minds need room to grow, so we graduated them early. And they're not coming back.
[Principal walks off]
Butt-head [to McVicker]: You just weren't reaching us, dude.
Beavis: Yeah, and if you try reaching for us, I'll kick you in the nads!
McVicker: Oh, for crying out loud!
[McVicker walks back into the school, followed by Beavis and Butt-head]

[Beavis and Butt-head are in the 8th grade. A young Quinn Morgendorffer(in a different hairstyle and clothes than in Daria) is paying attention. Butt-head touches her arm.]
Butt-head: So, have you ever like been with an older man?(laughs)
Quinn:(creeped out by Butt-head) Leave me alone, you loser.
Beavis:[laughs] Loser.

(I don't think that's Quinn, but I'll grant that she looks similar.)


Killing Time[edit]

Beavis: Hey Butt-head. I think I might throw up.
Butt-head: Cool. That might like, take some time.
Beavis: [leans over and gags, then coughs] ...I can't do it.
Butt-head: [gags as well] Uh...me neither. And there's like, an hour and a lot of minutes before something cool's on TV. Time sucks.

Butt-head: [holding an empty garbage can] Now remember the rules, Beavis. I throw it at you, then you throw it at me.
Beavis: Um, I don't get it. How do you win? [is hit in the head with the can, and falls over]
Butt-head: [laughs] That was cool.

Beavis: What do we do now?
Butt-head: Uh...we could do homework.

[both laugh]


Stewart: Hey guys, what are you doing?
Beavis: Hey Butt-head. Stewart can like, kill some time.
Butt-head: Uh, yeah. Say something, Stewart.
Stewart: Really? You wanna talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Let's go to the mall, I know this great new place-
Butt-head: [interrupting] This sucks.
Beavis: Yeah.

[both get up and leave]

Stewart: [not realizing they have left] We could go to my house. I have this awesome new video game.

Beard Boys[edit]

(The boys are watching tv, movie with a man in woman in bed together; the man has a beard)

Woman on TV: Oh Steve, my career as a leading molecular biologist seems so far away.
Man: Yea, but I'm not.
Woman: Damn you're smooth. oooooohhhhh!
Butthead: Whoa! We gotta get us one of those!
Beavis: What, a testicular biologist?
Butthead: No dumbass, a beard. We don't score because chicks don't think we're manly enough.

Butt-head: You know what they say Beavis, when you walk the walk you gotta...uhhh, talk too.
Beavis: What's that mean?
Butt-head: It means we gotta hit on the chicks, assmunch. Otherwise they'll just think we're like, all looks. Check out those chicks over there!
Beavis: Hey baby--
Butt-head: Hey baby-- Check out our beards.
Beavis: Damn, we're smooth.
Girl: We're gonna call the cops if y'all don't leave us alone.
Butt-head: That sucked.
Beavis: Yeah.

repeated line
Beavis: Damn, we're/you're smooth.

Choke[edit]

Butt-head: [choking] Beavis?
Beavis: Yea Butt-Head?
Butt-head: I'm..[gasps]..I'm.. [gasps again] I'm
Beavis: Agh, I hate this stupid game. [Butt-Head grabs Beavis's throat] AGH AHG!. Uhh choking, your choking?

Butt-Head knods and points to the box of chicken nuggets on the couch.

Beavis: Uh chicken? Your choking your chicken?

Butt-head knods

Bevis: So what do you want me to do about it?

Butt-head: [choking] Beavis! Beavis! I'm choking!
Beavis: Yeah, so. What do you want me to do about it?
Butt-head: Call 911!
Beavis: Why don't you call? You're closer.
Butt-head: You're closer, dumb-ass.
Beavis: Oh, yeah.

911 Operator: What’s the emergency, sir?

[Beavis laughs]

911 Operator: Is there an emergency, sir?
Beavis: Butt-head's like, choking. Heh heh, on chicken.
911 Operator: Have you performed the Heimlich?
Beavis: Uhm, is this like, one of those 976 numbers? Heh, what are you wearing?
911 Operator: I repeat, have you heimliched the victim?
Beavis: Have I licked his rectum? Heh, No way! But uh, one time me and Butt-head were playing truth or dare, and uh...
911 Operator: Sir, please. If you want to save your friend’s life, you need to perform the Heimlich Maneuver.
Beavis: [looks down at Butt-head’s butt] Uhm...heh, he’s not really my friend.

Boy's playing basketball: (to a boy taking a foul shot) CHOKE, CHOKE, CHOKE, CHOKE, CHOKE,CHOKE
Beavis: (joining in) Yea, Yea, CHOKE!, CHOKE!!! (remeberring Butt-Head is choking) Uhh... nachos, yea nachos.

Safe House[edit]

Todd: Get the door, you turds. And remember: act dumb. Oh, and bring some of those marshmallow crackers next time, or I'll stomp a mudhole in your ass!

[The boys look at the two police officers at their doorstep via the peephole]

Butt-head: Whoa. Todd's even cooler than we thought.

[Butt-head opens the door]

Police Officer #1: We're looking for a person named Todd.
Beavis: Uh, he's not here. Uh huh huh.
Police Officer #1: That's not what I heard from.
Butt-head: Uh, sirs. I'm afraid I have to kick your ass. Huh huh.
Beavis: And I will kick you in the nads.

[The police officers drag the boys out of the door and arrested them]

Butt-head: Ow! Cut it out! Don't make me kick your ass!
Beavis: Don't make me kick you in the nads!

Hard Sell[edit]

Butthead: Huh huh....Number 1...

Beavis: Yea yea yea...tinkle tinkle tinkle!

Walkathon[edit]

Stewart: Socko's great.
Butt-head: Uh,huh,huh,huh... Socko has a hand up his butt.
Beavis: Heh,heh,heh,heh, yeah,heh,heh,heh.

Temporary Insanity[edit]

Butt-head [whilst sat on the photocopier]: Would you like a copy of my butt?

Dude, A Reward[edit]

Walking Erect[edit]

Butt-head: Do have any big dogs?
Zookeeper: Wild animals only.
Butt-head: Uh, do have any woodpeckers? Huh huh huh. Woodpeckers.

Career Day[edit]

[Beavis and Butt-head, working as security guards of the mall, questioning the customer]

Butt-head: Did you pay for that, ma'am?
Female shopper: Yes.
Butt-head: May I see your receipt, please?
Beavis: Yeah. Heh heh. May I see your slit?
Female shopper: [insulted] Excuse me?
Butt-head: Uhh... could we like rescue?
Female shopper: I don't think so!

[The security guard arrives at the scene]

Security guard: What are you doing with your jobs? Let me handle this! [to customer] Did you purchase that, ma'am?
Female shopper: Yes, I did!
Security guard: [embarrassed with shame] I apologize, ma'am for misunderstanding. It was just a cavity search. [laughs nervously]
Beavis: Yeah yeah yeah. Heh heh heh.

[Furiously, the shopper slapped the security guard in the face]

Female shopper: Ugh! White trash, lousy officer, piece of... [sighs in disgust and walks away]

[The security guard began to laugh stupidly as Beavis and Butt-head laughs with him]

Butt-head: Security is cool.

Plastic Surgin'[edit]

Butt-head: Hey, we could do that so that we could get bigger thingies.
Beavis: [looks down his shirt] Mine are big enough already. Heh, it's not worth the risk.
Butt-head: Not bigger boobs, dumbass, like we could get bigger wieners.

Butt-head: We're gonna need bigger hands.

Take A Number[edit]

Beaverly Buttbillies[edit]

[Digging for oil in their yard]

Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. We're in a hole.
Beavis: Oh, yeah. Hole. [Beavis hits a pipe with his shovel] Hey, Butt-head! Butt-head! I just like, felt something.
Butt-head:[thinking he meant a boner] Uh...okay.
Beavis: Oh, yeah. Wait, no, no. I mean, I felt something, like, with my shovel. Come here, check it out. [He bangs on the pipe with his shovel, and makes a hole in it. Sewage starts coming out] It's oil! It's oil, Butt-head! We've struck oil! It's oil!
Butt-head: Cool! A bubbling crude.
Beavis: Yeah. Oil, that is.
Butt-head: Black gold.
Beavis: Texas tea.
Butt-head:[smelling it] Ugh! Oil smells like turds.
Beavis: Yeah. I bet that's why it's so expensive.

Tainted Meat[edit]

Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, put that away. You're not supposed to have your penis out while you're cooking.
Beavis: Oh...oh yeah. [angry customer drives away]
Butt-head: Err, can I take your order?

Butt-head: Uhh...what seems to be the problem there, Beavis?
Beavis: My thingie itches. It's like the wrong color or something...check it out.
Butt-head: Uhh...no thanks, Beavis.
Beavis: (continuing to scratch his pubic area) Ow, rrr, ehh! Ahh!

TV Reporter: An outbreak of tainted meat has struck the local Burger World, and once again raised the question of how meat should be handled.
Butt-head: Huhuhuh...ask the expert.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! (continues scratching)
TV Reporter: Pending a health inspection, Burger World will remain closed.
Beavis: This sucks!
Butt-head: Yeah! We lost our jobs!
Beavis: No! My weiner still itches!

Butt-head: Face it Beavis, you have a problem with your penis. Maybe you should wash it or something.
Beavis:Yeah, I'll just...wait, with water? No way, then it'll get all wet.
Butt-head: Life is hard, Beavis.

Stewart Moves Away[edit]

[Beavis and Butt-Head are watching a pay-per-view program on Stewart's TV.]

Announcer: Warning. The following feature presentation is not rated. It contains scenes of full frontal nudity and extreme violence. Viewer discretion is advised.
Beavis and Butt-Head: Yes!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Butt-Head: Discretion is cool.
Beavis: Pay-per-view rules. It rules!

Beavis: Stewart's dad's dirty magazines.
Butt-head: We've torn out all the pages with butts on them, but there's still plenty of good boobs left.

Top O' The Mountain[edit]

Butt-head Beavis, I have seen the top of the mountain, and it is good.

Party[edit]

Bum: (to Butt-head) Do you have any spokisus?

Wet Behind The Rears[edit]

[outside. Beavis and Butt-Head are watching various sport activities.]

Butt-head: Pole-vaulters. Baton Passers. Javelin throwers. [a javelin hits Beavis's hand. Beavis screams] Whoa. [Butt-head removes the javelin from Beavis] You dumbass. I'd warn you. [Buzz-Cut blows his whistle]
Buzzcut: All right, men! Hit the showers! Now!

[Beavis and Butt-Head laugh]


[in the showers]

Buzzcut: Where in the hell do you think you're going?
Butt-head: Uhhh... to class?
Beavis: Umm.. yeah, yeah, to class, me too.
Buzzcut: Maybe you didn't hear me when I told you to hit the showers!
Butt-head: Uhh, we thought you were like, talking to somebody else?
Buzzcut: I was talking to everybody!
Butt-head: But like, uhh... we didn't sweat.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If it's all the same sir, um, I'd just like to wait till I get home to take a shower. That'll be great.
Buzzcut: Look at you boy! You're covered in crap!
Beavis: Uhmmm... That was last week. This is blood, sir.
Buzzcut: Name of this class is Physical Education! And that includes proper personal hygiene! Hit the showers now, or fail!
Butt-head: Uhhh... Well, it looks kinda crowded in there.
Buzzcut: Do I have to undress you myself, Butt-head?
Butt-head: Uh, no?
Beavis: no?

[On taking a shower at school]

Beavis: This sucks. I hate taking showers.
Butt-head: Yeah, I don't want some naked dudes standing with a schlong right next to me.
Beavis: Yeah, really! I don't want some naked dude standing next to me with his schlong slinging around saying 'Hey good game man.'
Butt-head: And you better not look at me, fart-knocker, or I'll kick your ass.
Beavis: You look at me, I'm gonna kick your ass.
Guy: Hey Beavis and Butt-Head, are you guys gonna finally take a shower?
Butt-head: Uhhh... ummm... hey dude.
Guy: I've never seen you guys take a shower before.
Butt-head: Uhhh... Yeah.
Guy: How come you guys never take a shower?
Butt-head: Hey Beavis, it's all clear.
Guy: Hey Beavis, can you help me with this?

[Beavis Screams]


Buzzcut: I am beginning to wonder if you boys have ever taken a shower in your lives. What in the hell do you think you're doing with your underwear still on?
Beavis: Um, we don't want anybody looking at our nads.
Butt-head: Yeah, are you one of those gym teachers that likes to hang out and watch dudes in the shower?
Buzzcut: Dammit, boys, you have pushed me to the limit! You're not getting out of it this time! I'm gonna tear your - [the fire alarm begins to go off] That's the fire alarm! Now hurry up and get out of here!
Butt-Head: Dude, we have been saved by the power supreme.
Beavis: Yeah, fire drills rule.
Buzzcut: Are you deaf? That's the fire alarm! Get the hell out of here now!
Butt-Head: Uhhh... We're just gonna like, get dressed first.
Beavis: We'll be right out. See you later.
Buzzcut: That is a FIRE ALARM! That means the school may be burning down! Now if you don't get the hell out of here, I'm gonna personally grab you by the grundies AND DRAG YOU OUTSIDE IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE STUDENT BODY! SO GET THE HELL OUT! NOW!

[Next to the entrance]

Butt-Head: Uhhh... uhhh...
Buzzcut: Get out there before I drag you out!

[Beavis and Butt-Head get outside]

Girl: Hey, look, it's Beavis and Butt-head!

[every student outside starts to laugh at Beavis and Butt-head in their undies. Inside, Principal McVicker is seen holding down the fire alarm switch]

McVicker: Uhhh... Good job!
Buzzcut: Too bad! Another minute and they might have been naked! [starts to laugh too. McVicker laughs as well]
McVicker: Yeah. Look at them.

Bad Dog[edit]

Narrator on TV: We'll be right back with more of the life cycle of the dung beetle right after this.
Butt-Head: Huh, huh, huh. Dung.
Beavis: Yeah. Dung.
Dog on TV: It's cold in here.
Beavis: Hey, Butt-Head, that dog just talked.
Butt-Head: He did not, dumbass.
Dog on TV: Won't you please take me into your nice, warm home?
Butt-Head: See, his lips aren't moving.
Beavis: Oh, yeah.
Butt-Head: He's like, communicating tele-pathetically.
Beavis: Oh, yeah.
VO Announcer: Every year, we kill thousands of dogs like the ones you see here, just because they weren't adopted in time. We don't like to do it, but we have to. It's the law.
Butt-Head: Whoa.
VO Announcer: Adopt a dog now, before it's too late.
Butt-Head: Hey, Beavis, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Beavis: Yeah. Those dung beetles are pretty cool.
Butt-Head: Dumbass.

Butt-Head: Our dog's gonna be cool. We'll have to, like, teach him to do cool tricks and stuff.
Beavis: Yeah. Sit, boy. Sit. Sit. Sit or I'll kick your ass. Yeah.
Butt-Head: That's not a cool trick. A cool trick is, like, to teach him to, like, bite stuff.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Bite, bite, bite. Bite everything. Yeah.
Butt-Head: We're gonna teach him to, like, bite stuff that sucks.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Butt-Head: This is gonna be cool.

Animal shelter worker: You do know what a dog like this eats?
Butt-Head: Uhh...garbage.

Animal shelter worker: If your dog goes to the bathroom in the house, what do you do?
Beavis: (Fending off the dog in the backround) Rub his nose in it.
Butt-head: Uhh...I'd kick his ass.
Beavis: Rub his nose in it, then kick his ass.

Lightning Strikes[edit]

TV voiceover: You're watching PBS.
Butt-head: He said "BS".
Beavis: But first he said "P".

[Both look in amazement at the documentary, and the lightning outside]

Butt-head: Get the kite, Beavis.

Dream On[edit]

[Beavis dreams that he's on Kung Fu]
Beavis: But master, does not the fire needs water too? Does not the mountain needs the storm? Does not your scrotum needs kicking?

[Butt-head dreams that he's on Star Trek: The Next Generation]
Butthead: Number 1, I order you to take a Number Two.
Beavis: Aye-aye, Captain.

[Butt-head dreams he's on The Oprah Winfrey Show, surrounded by women, with the headline "Butt-head: Sleeps With Chicks"]
Oprah: Butt-head, you've slept with over 5,000 women. How do you explain the attraction to you?
Butt-head: Uh...just look at me!

[Butt-head dreams that he is on the Brady Bunch, his face is in a square alongside the three girls]
Butt-head: [chorus] Here's the story of a guy named Butt-head, who was horny for three very lovely girls...
[Beavis' face in a square pops up]
Beavis: [chorus] Then along came a guy named Beavis, he was horny too.

Candy Sale[edit]

Buzzcut: All right, losers: remember, you're competing against other classess, and I'll be damned if my class is gonna lose!

Mr. Candy: They're a real bargain at only $2 each. Heck, they practically sell themselves! Now, what if I told you that the richest man...
Butt-head: [mockingly] Blah blah blah blah blaaah bluhhh-ehhh!
Beavis: [in imitation] Blaaaah-blaaaah, heck, they practically sell themselves, ehhhh!
Mr. Candy: Well, you two seem to be real know-it-alls. Why don't you tell us what you're gonna say when a customer says "no"?
Butt-head: Uhhhh, I'd say, "blah blah blah blah blah-leuuuh-luh!"
Beavis: [in imitation again] Blah blah blah blah, what do you say when a customer says no? You seem to know it all! Blah blah blah-blah-blah-blah!

Butt-head: Our school's making us sell candy.
Beavis:Yeah, we're losers!
Mr. Anderson: What in the hell kind of sales approach is that?! You boys couldn't sell a dollar for 50 cents.

Butt-head: He wants what's in your pocket.
Beavis: He's a pocket fisherman.
Mr. Candy: Oh no, you're not gonna pull that on me again! It took me six months to get another job. [Grabs Beavis] Now give me the rest of the money, you little twerp!
Beavis: Ahhh! He's trying to touch my wiener! Let go, pervert!
Butt-head: Kick him in the nads, Beavis!
Mr. Candy [Grabs Butt-head as well]: You too, you little farter!
[Buzzcut comes in]
Buzzcut: What in the hell are you doing?! This is my class, I do the ass-kicking around here!
Mr. Candy: Wait your turn, Jarhead! [slaps him, Buzzcut's face turns red, and becomes furious]
Buzzcut: You just made a fatal mistake, Mr. Candyass! I hope you're familiar with some hand to hand combat techniques!
Mr. Candy: Oh, you're going down, soldier boy! [tries to hit him, but Buzzcut brutally kicks him in the head]
Beavis: Kick 'em, kick 'em!
Butt-head: Kick 'em in the butt.
Beavis: Kick 'em in the nads!

Animation Sucks[edit]

Butt-head: Hey let's like, draw more people getting killed. That way we can make a total massacre.
Beavis: Yeah, MASSACRE! MASSACRE!

Beavis: So like, in animation you have to draw tons of dead people just to end up with two dead people?!
Butt-head: Animation sucks!

What's The Deal?[edit]

The History Of Women[edit]

Mr. Van Driessen: OK, let's see, who hasn't gone yet? Beavis! Are you ready to inspire us with your report?
Butt-head: [awakens Beavis by slapping him] You're next, dillhole!
Mr. Van Driessen: Come on, Beavis! Stand up and tell us about the woman you admire the most!
Beavis: Um... oh yeah... OK.
Mr. Van Driessen: Go ahead! Reveal to us the identity of this profoundly influential female!
Beavis: Oh yeah! Um, uh... oh yeah. My mom!
Butt-head: You wuss.
Mr. Van Driessen: Butt-head, I hope your report is a little more wider in scope than Beavis's.
Butt-head: The woman I admire most, is... uh... Beavis's mom.

To The Rescue[edit]

I Dream of Beavis[edit]

Pregnant Pause[edit]

Woman in store: [to her pregnant friend] Girl, I can't believe you went and got yourself pregnant.
Beavis: You can get yourself pregnant?! AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH! [takes pregnancy test from woman] Gimme one of those!

Butt-head: What's up with you, Beavis? You look like you're pregnant.
Beavis: AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

Beavis: The chick said it changes colour if your pregnant so, [reads French instructions] Esay la Peesee la Pregwa... Okay [tries sticking the test tube in his belly button] Maybe it goes in here...

[afterwards]

Beavis: [mutters] It better not change color. [whizzes in pregnancy test tube] It turned yellow! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Woman On TV: It couldn't be morning sickness. What about these cravings? Oh my God! I better NOT be PREGNANT!! Jake! Get me some nachos!

Here Comes The Bride's Butt[edit]

Butt-head: I just realized something. Being married would suck. You'd just hang around with the same person all the time, and say all the same dumb stuff over and over again. That would suck.
Beavis: Heh, yeah.
Tom Anderson: [to his wife] Hold my hand, honeybunch.
Butt-head: [to Beavis] Pull my finger, buttmunch.

Beavis: This music sucks!
Butt-head: Yeah... I wonder when the bride chick's gonna be here...

Screamers[edit]

Butt-head: Screaming rules!

[Tom Anderson has dialed for Police.]
Mr. Anderson: Hello police. This here is Tom Anderson, 4120 Woodrow Court. There's two hoodlums who came by my doorstep and started screaming bloody murder. Hell, I don't know if they're armed.

[The cop has just discovered Beavis and Butt-head screaming in front of him.]
Cop: All right you little punks, I got ya.
[Beavis and Butt-head screams as he grabs the two by their necks.]
Cop: Go ahead and scream all you want. Do you like this, huh? Do you like people SCREAMING?!! :(continues screaming in Beavis and Butt-head's ear.) NOW DAMN IT, THE LAST THING I NEED TO DEAL WITH, ARE A COUPLE OF NOISE VANDALS LIKE YOU!!! YOU SEE WHEN I HEAR PEOPLE SCREAMING, IT USUALLY MEANS THERE'S TROUBLE!!!! But if not, It's just like the little brat who cried wolf and someday when there really is trouble, I'M NOT GONNA HELP YOU!!!
[Let's go Beavis and Butthead]
Cop: Now if there's trouble, all you have to do is call. Here's my number. And if you want to scream, you can scream all you want inside your own home. (Turn's red face and screams in the duo's ears) JUST DON'T DO IT OUT HERE!!!!!!! "(lets go of Beavis and Butt-head) Now get your asses home.

[Beavis and butt-head continue screaming outside awakening two neighbors, who think the other is screaming]
Man: Shut the hell up, my kids are trying to sleep.
Woman: Why the hell you stop screaming? You're not helping.
Man: Oh yeah! Why don't you scream the hell of it?
Woman: Oh yeah! How would you like me to kick your ass?

Beavis, Can You Spare A Dime?[edit]

Bum: What's the best city in the world? Generocity!

Skin Trade[edit]

Oil Change[edit]

Gas station worker: Oh, Burger World, huh? I tried to get a job there once.

Buttniks[edit]

[Beavis and Butt-head are walking, until they see a woman stood outside a beatnik club.]

Butt-Head: Whoa, check it out.
Beavis: Yeah.
Female beatnik:
"Your touch me, I shiver
Your tongue, I quiver
My loins, my liver
I, the taker; you, the giver"
Butt-head: Whoa. I've got something to give her.
Beavis: Yeah.
Female beatnik: Did you like my poem?
Butt-Head: Uh...your what?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Your loins, your liver!
Female beatnik: There's plenty more inside.
Butt-Head: Cool.

[Beavis and Butt-Head laugh as they step inside.]


[Beavis and Butt-Head are watching a beatnik perform on stage.]

Omar: "And then, my friend, you die. [louder] And then, my friend, you die, man! And then... [gasps] ...my friend."

[scattered applause]

Beavis: You die! Yeah.
Omar: Thank you.
Butt-Head: That was cool.
Cafe Owner: Thank you, Omar. Is there anyone who'd like to read now? Any new blood?
Butt-Head: [to Beavis] Check this out. [to everyone] Uh...I got some rhymes for the house.
Cafe Owner: What's your name, young brother?
Butt-Head: Uh...Butt-Head.
Cafe Owner: Cool. Let's groove for a while with Butt-Head.
Butt-Head: Yeah.

[scattered applause]

Butt-Head: Groove with me, people. [chuckles] This is gonna be cool.

[Beavis walks up to a male beatnik at a table.]

Beavis: Um...I'm just gonna sit here, yeah.
Male beatnik: Yeah, man, take a load off.
Beavis: [chuckles] Take a load.
Butt-Head: Check this out. Uh...there once was a man from Venus, with a rocket ship for a...a...wiener.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! [pounds table]
Butt-Head: Uh...okay. Here's--
Waiter: [to Beavis and male beatnik] Hi, what can I bring you guys?
Beavis: Um...
Butt-Head: [in background] Here I sit--
Male beatnik: Uh, yeah, get me a triple amaretto cappuccino, low on the foam, a double shot, and bring the man here one too, right?
Butt-Head: The phone is ringing, and I cannot linger. So, look out, butt, here comes my finger.

[audience groans]

Butt-Head: And then, my friend, you die.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! You die! [pounds table]
Butt-Head: That was cool.

[waiter hands Beavis and male beatnik their drinks.]

Beavis: Um...um...
Male beatnik: Try it, man, come on. It's--It's cappuccino.
Beavis: [chuckles] Crappuccino? Crappuccino. [chuckles] Yeah. [takes a sip]
Butt-Head: [in background] Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha.
Male beatnik: Yeah, copasetic, dialectic.
Beavis: Wahhh! Copasetic, copasetic! Gimme that. [snatches other drink and downs it.]
Butt-Head: [in background] This is a pee-pee--no.
Waiter: Hi, more cappuccino?
Beavis: I need crappuccino for my bunghole! Gimme that! [chittering] [snatches coffee pot from waiter and drinks it all.]
Butt-Head: [in background] Uh, I'll tell that one later.
Beavis: [speaking gibberish]
Butt-Head: There once was a lady from China, with a popsicle in her--
Cafe Owner: [pulls microphone away from Butt-Head as the feedback whines.] Thanks, thanks, kid. That was organic. Let's give someone else a shot at the mic.

[Beavis has his shirt over his head and jumps up from table.]

Beavis: [chittering] I am Cornholio! My bunghole will speak now! [runs into another table] Ah, hey. Are you threatening me? I must have more crappuccino for my bunghole. [snatches drink] Bungholio, bungholio. [slurping]

[Beavis is onstage.]

Beavis: [gibbering incoherently] I am Cornholio! I need TP for my bunghole! I want all your crappuccino!
Butt-Head: [sitting at table with male beatnik and another man.] Do it, brother Beavis.
Beavis: Are you threatening me?! You do not want to face the wrath of my bunghole. My bunghole, it goes bungo. Tungo, tungo, tungo. Tungo! Rap-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa. And one for you. Parrrrr! [gulps]
Man: [to Butt-Head] Hi, I run the multicultural poetry program at the university. Your friend is, uh, unusual. What is he? Hispanic? Russian?
Butt-Head: Uh...yeah. He's Russian. [chuckles]
Man: Uh...hmm. Amazing energy. I'd love to see his portfolio.
Beavis: Portfolio? Folio, folio? Arriba, arriba, yeah. I come from Lake Titicaca.
Male beatnik: Hey, man, you've been holding out on us. Where'd you get all those crazy rhymes?
Beavis: Would you like to see my portfoilo? I have a portfolio in my bunghole with my oleo.
Waiter: Wow, this is ground-breaking stuff, man.
Beavis: [gibbering]

[Beavis is still onstage, but the sugar effect has worn off.]

Beavis: [groaning] [hits his head on the microphone; microphone feedback whines.] Hey, how's it going? Oh, yeah. Um, roses are-- no. Um... Heh. Oh, I know. Uh...here I sit, brokenhearted, I pay the quarter-- You got a quarter?
Man: Well, his 15 minutes of fame are over. I guess nobody can keep up that kind of intensity.
Male beatnik: Wait, I want more. Man, he's not done. [to waiter] Alphons, Bring my boy another cappuccino, a quadruple.
Beavis: Quarter, pay the dime...

[Waiter hands Beavis his drink.]

Male beatnik: Yeah, leave the pot.
Beavis: Oh, thanks. Yeah. [slurps drink] Yep. [slurps from coffee pot] Mmm. [gibbering incoherently] Yeah! [pulls shirt over head] I am the great Cornholio! You have awaken my bunghole! And now you must pay! [chittering] The streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers! [chuckles] That would be cool. [gibbering]

Bang The Drum Slowly, Dumbass[edit]

Mr. Van Driessen: Being in the captivity of nature without women is the perfect way to wrestle with your manhood.
Butt-head: Beavis wrestles with his manhood.
Beavis: Yeah, heh, I usually win.

Butt-head: [bangs the drum] This sucks. [bangs it again] Uh....this sucks. [bangs it some more] This sucks.

Mr. Van Driessen: Now Beavis, try and get in touch with your inner male.
Beavis: Heheh, no way! Not with a bunch of dudes watching!

Beavis: [beats drum] Woah, that was pretty cool. [beats the drum and laughs, getting progressively faster]
Mr. Van Driessen: Okay Beavis, now let that wild man within put his feelings into words.
Beavis: Yeah, hehe, it’s like, it’s like, I wanna check out chicks' thingies! I wanna see their thingies! But they won’t let me! And that just makes me wanna check them out even more!
Other dude 1: We feel your male pain.
Beavis: I feel like I’m never gonna score! And chicks don’t wanna talk to me! Like, I wanna go up and say ‘Hey baby how’s it goin?’ heh. And then just like, they just go away! And then they slap me!
Other dude 2: I can identify with that….I guess.
Beavis: And sometimes I just wanna like, get a big bulldozer and I just wanna like, bulldoze the walls to the girls' locker room! That way I can see their boobs!
Butt-head: That would be cool.
Beavis: It’s like I know they’re naked inside there, and I just can’t stand it! And then, and then I wanna take the bulldozer and like, I wanna bulldoze the cafeteria too! And then the library! Destroy all the books! Eheheheheh, and then I wanna go to the principal’s office, and bulldoze the principal’s office too! EHEHEHEH!
Other dude 1: I think someone’s inner warrior needs to go back to basic training...
Beavis: Things will never turn out they way they-!
Mr. Van Driessen: [interrupting] Maybe you need professional help, Beavis. [reaches over to get the drum back]
Beavis: [beats his hand away] NEVER!
Other dude 3: Someone take that damn drum away from him!
Other dude 2: What the hell are you teaching these kids of yours anyway?
Other dude 1: You know, the guys at the gym were right, you ARE a pantywaist.
Other dude 3: And you said this was the way to recapture the spirit of Woodstock? Woodstock my ass!
Beavis: [beating the drum each time he says it] Naked boobs, naked boobs, naked boobs!

Beavis: [tired, some time at least a day later, when school is back in session and Mr. Van Driessen asks Butt-head where he is] I get the crane with the wrecking ball, and the bulldozer, one of those really nice shovels, and a backhoe and a forklift, a front end loader and a combine. and um...a getaway car and some rubbers. Only then will I score. Butt-head?

Another Friday Night[edit]

Butt-Head: Whoa, the cops are here. Maybe they're gonna shoot somebody.

Tired[edit]

[Beavis and Butt-head are jumping on the bells at the gas station]

Gas station worker: Quit jumping on my bells you punks, or I'll give you something to jump about.
Butt-head:Uh, Did he say "Quit jumping on my balls?"
Beavis: QUIT JUMPING ON MY BALLS!
Gas station worker: Look, I'll give you this bottle to break out back if stop distracting my customers.

[The two head to the back of the gas station to break the bottle, but they soon see a tyre]

Butt-head: Whoa! Poop Poop. That's the biggest tire I ever saw.

[Beavis' ride in the tire causes not only a car crash, but also makes Todd spill a small drop of beer onto his jeans]
Todd: Aw, Dammit! My good jeans.

[Beavis then hits a car on cinder blocks,owned by a redneck couple, killing the man underneath. Butt-head soon follows up]

Redneck Woman: HEY! IF YOU STEP ON MY PROPERTY AGAIN, I'LL SHOOT YOUR ASS!

[Todd arrives at the parking lot where he is about to attack Beavis for making him spill beer on his jeans.]

Todd: You pre-schoolers are dead! You made me spill beer all over my jeans!
Butt-head: Do you want me to kick Beavis' ass for you?
Todd: That won't be necessary, man.

Close Encounters[edit]

Spelling: Butt-head, perhaps you see a part of yourself in Michael.
Butt-head: Yeah, my butt.
Spelling: And Beavis, is that what you feel?
Butt-head: Beavis feels himself.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Heh, I'll kick your ass!

Butt-head: [thinking] You will get the chick across from you. You will see her thingies. It is going to be cool.

Womyn[edit]

  • Butt-Head: Dammit, Beavis! We've got a room full of chicks here who do it for free, and all you can think about is why there aren't more guys here?!
  • Beavis: Ummm, yea, hehheh.
  • Butt-Head: Beavis, I'm a little dissapointed in you!

Premature Evacuation[edit]

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. I bet if we had a bomb, Pantera would hang out with us.
Butt-Head: Yeah. We could make 'em hang out with us.

Whiplash[edit]

Beavis: I was like, AGHH!! MY LEG!! Uh I mean, AGHH!! MY NECK!!!

Spare Me[edit]

Girl 2: We'll take you for a ride.

Patsies[edit]

Mr. Buzzcut: For today's positive activity you're gonna wash my wagoneer!
Patsy: Umm, that's not what my dad said we're gonna do.
Mr. Buzzcut: Your dad's not here, boy! And for the tenth time, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna positively kill you!

Butt-Head: Heh heh heh heh, "wood."
Beavis: Heh heh, "boner!"

Murder Site[edit]

Butt-head:[About the place where the guy killed his brother]It was your idea in the first place, buttknocker.
Beavis:Hey don't call me "buttknocker" butt-head.

Butt-head: Turn on the lights, buttknocker. I can't see anything!
Beavis: [Angrily] Stop calling me "buttknocker"!
Butt-head: Beavis, you buttmunch, turn on the light before I kick your ass!
Beavis: [Calmly] Okay. That's better. [Switches the lamp on]
Butt-head: [Scoping the living room, which resembles their own living room] This is cool... So,uh... where do you think he killed him?
Beavis: Hmm, let's see. It looks like he fell. I'd have to say he died right about here. [Points to an outline of the victim's lying position] Yeah, yeah.
Butt-head: Oh, yeah.
Beavis: Whoa! [Walks toward tire iron] Check out this thing. [Picks up tire iron] I bet he hit him with this.
Butt-head: Don't be stupid, Beavis. That's for, like, changing tires and stuff.
Beavis: Oh, yeah. [Throws tire iron right next to the lamp table] Whoa. [Spots a TV remote and picks it up] Hey, I got the remote. Let's see what's on TV.
Butt-head: Beavis, I told you I wasn't gonna let you touch the remote anymore. [Makes an unsuccessful grab for the remote] Now, give me that, buttknocker!
Beavis: No way, and stop calling me "buttknocker"!
Butt-head: [Climbs toward Beavis] Give it here, before I kick your buttknockering ass! [Manages to grip the remote with Beavis still holding it, before they drop it on the floor]
Beavis: Stop calling me that, Butt-head! [Punches Butt-head twice in the stomach] Stop it!
Butt-head: [Knees Beavis in the groin] Buttknocker!
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Shut up!! [Growls uncontrollably, Beavis and Butt-head fall behind couch] I'm gonna kill you, Butt-head!! I swear to God, I'm gonna kill you!!!
Butt-head: [knocks lamp over] Oh, yeah? [Throws punch at Beavis, most likely his head] You and what other buttknockers?
Beavis: [Beavis and Butt-head fall on the couch, then the floor] Shut up, Butt-head!!
Butt-head: Buttknocker...
Beavis: SHUT UP!
Butt-head: Buttknocker...
Beavis: STOP IT!
Butt-head: Buttknocker...
Beavis: I'LL KILL YOU!!!
Police Lieutenant: [Barges in] GET HIM!
Beavis: YOU SON OF A BITCH!! [Growls uncontrollably, then gets apprehended by the officers] Come on! Let me go! I'm gonna kill Butt-head! I'm gonna kill him! [Growls uncontrollably]
Butt-head: [Watches as Beavis is taken away] That was cool. [Laughs in lower pitch than normal] Uh huh huh huh.

Beavis:[To a criminal about butt-head]He keeps calling me "buttknocker" & he won't stop & IT PISSE ME OFF!!!

Later...

Butt-head:[Pointing to beavis]There he is,The buttknocker in the middle.

Spanish Fly[edit]

Butt-Head: Hey Beavis, huh huh huh. If you like, abstract a chick, huh huh huh, then I can like, stick it in her taco! Huh huh huh.
Beavis: Heh heh heh m heh No way, Butt-Head! We have to like, give her the Spanish Fly first!
Butt-Head: What the hell do you think I'm talking about, butt plug?!?!
Beavis: Um, I uh, oh yeah, yeah heh heh heh m heh...

[Tommy, the student who's consumed the Spanish Fly, has got a scared Beavis in a wrestling position]

Beavis: AHHHHHHHHHH!!! HE'S GOT A BONER!!!!
Butt-head: Kick him in the nads, Beavis.

[Beavis delivers a low blow to Tommy]

Buzzcut [Whilst tending to Tommy]: Beavis, get back here!
Beavis: Let's get outta here before he screws us all!

[Beavis and Butt-head walk out]


Sexual Harassment[edit]

Butt-head: Right now, I'm being sexually harassed by Kimberly.
Kimberly: WHAT!?!
Beavis: Yeah, me too, she's giving me a stiffy.
Butt-head: Yeah, and it makes it like uncomfortable to work and stuff....usually harasses me at least once a day.
Beavis: Four or five times for me, sir.

Van Driessen: I think YOU'RE sexually harassing Kimberly.
Beavis: No way! Chicks can't get stiffies!

[Beavis is staring at Kimberly while Joe Adler is pleading Beavis and Butt-Head's case of sexual harassment against her.]

Beavis: She's doing it again! She's doing it right now!
Judge: What is she doing?
Beavis: She's giving me a stiffy.
Judge: Giving you a what?
Beavis: Heh, you know...boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing.
Butt-Head: (To judge) He has an erection.

Bus Trip[edit]

Butt-Head: Let's write big butt on the chalkboard.

[Beavis and Butt-head are about to deface the blackboard when they see the words, "FIELD TRIP TODAY"]

Butt-head: Wait, it's trying to tell us something. [Begins to read] "Feel"..."Tit"...err..."Tripe"..."Todd"...

[Suddenly...]

Beavis and Butt-head [running out of school to the bus]: Stop the bus! Dammit, stop the bus!
Butt-head: Whoa! That was close!
Beavis [to Van Driessen]: Yeah, next time tell us, butthole.

Butt-Head: I've got a rock formation in my pants.

[Van Driessen has got his guitar ready and asks the students for song requests]

Dean: Like, 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall?
Van Driessen: Good, Dean. But beer and driving don't mix. How about 99 Bottles of Tea on the Wall. Or we could try some other arrangement.

Cars behind the bus are honking their horns.

Van Driessen: Hey, why's everybody honking?
Beavis [Whilst mooning at other cars]: Peek-a-boo!

[After Van Driessen flies through the bus's windshield and off a cliff]

Butt-head: Whoa! That was cool!
Beavis: Yeah!

Green Thumbs[edit]

Steamroller[edit]

Butt-head: Some day, we're gonna have wheels just like Todd.
Beavis: Yeah, then we can, like, drive chicks to school.
Butt-head: You dumbass! If we ever get a car and chicks, we're not going anywhere near a school.
Bill: You are going to pay for this Anderson
Mr. Anderson: Like hell I am, you're the one who told me to rent from Morgan's. Now, get the hell off my property you son of a bitch! And if I ever see that damn dog of yours peeing on my lawn again, I'm gonna shoot both of you!

Season 6[edit]

The Mystery of Morning Wood[edit]

U.S. History[edit]

Daria: And when this "magic bullet" went into the President's chest, it had to make a sharp turn in order to exit his body from the neck. Then it would have had to turn right, then left, and somehow have enough energy to hit the Governor in the front seat. Clearly, the assassination was a conspiracy.
Mr. Van Driessen Thank you, Daria. That gave me the chills. Folks, these have been some of the best oral reports I have ever heard!
Butt-Head: Huhuhuh...oral.
Beavis: Yeah, heheh, I'm going to do an anal report.

Daria: You guys will never graduate.
Butt-Head: Uhh... never masturbate?
Daria: Graduate! It's when you're all done with school.
Beavis: You mean, like, school ends?
Mr. Van Driessen: That's right, Beavis. When you finish high school, you'll never have to take another class if you don't want to. But that's not going to happen if you don't give your oral report right now.
Beavis: My report, is on the time, me and Butt-Head had like, dinner and stuff.
Mr. Van Driessen: Now Beavis, what does that have to do with American hist—
Beavis: [angrily] Shut up, I'm not done yet!
Mr. Van Driessen: Now Butt-Head, please make your report about a figure in American history.
Butt-Head: Uhh. Okay. Uhh, my report is, uhh, my report is about the time I kicked Beavis in the nads and he was, like, passed out all day.
Insert speaker's name:=== Feel a Cop ===
'Butt-:Head':::Insert speaker's name:::Insert speaker's name:yuiy78yhhiffuygyg::: huh-huh-huh. me sohorny

Beavis and Butt-head walk up to a female police officer who is posing as a prostitute.

Butt-head: Hey baby... So like how much.
Officer: Fifty
Butt-head: Cool, Beavis, do you have fifty cents?

Cops are listening in on Beavis and Butt-head from a van outside.

Beavis: (on the radio) Wow Butt-head check out the size of that rubber.
Cop: Come on make a spacific offer for sex.
Butt-head: (on the radio) That's a shower cap dumbass.

Date Watchers[edit]

[Beavis and Butt-head are watching Mr. Van Driessen and his girlfriend through the window]

Butt-head: Grab his schlong!

Blood Pressure[edit]

Butt-head: I'll trade you for these diapers. You can poop in them.

Babysitting[edit]

Butt-Head: You're not suppose to touch him, Beavis. It's like against the law or something...

Vidiots[edit]

Stewart Is Missing[edit]

Stewart's Mom: It's not like Stewart to miss lunch!
Beavis: I bet. He's fat.

Butt-head: Maybe he has diarrhea.
Stewart's Mom: [crying] He does NOT have diarrhea. I'm his mother, I would know if he had diarrhea.

Beavis: Have you looked in the garbage can?
Stewart's Mom: [crying] Oh no, you...
Butt-head: Beavis, you dumbass, why'd you tell her that? ... Stewart doesn't fit in a garbage can, dumbass, remember? If you wanted to put Stewart in a garbage can, you'd have to like, cut him up into little pieces.

Stewart's Mom: My poor Stewart! What could have happened to him?
Beavis: um...Maybe somebody killed him and burried him in a shallow grave. [Stewart's mom sobs louder] Um...what's the matter?

Gang Of Two[edit]

Sprout[edit]

Mr. Van Driessen: Now, Beavis and Butt-head, if you could grow any type of food, what would you grow?
Beavis: Heh heh. Um...nachos.
Butt-head: Nachos aren't a plant, dumbass. They, like, make 'em from stuff.
Mr. Van Driessen: That's right, Butt-head. And corn is an excellent choice. Or, as the Native Americans call it, "maize".
Beavis: No, no, no. We want to grow nachos.
Mr. Van Driessen: In a few months, Beavis, when the corn grows, you'll be able to make your own nachos.
Beavis: Yeah, but we can go to Maxi-Mart and get some right now.
Butt-head: Yeah, but this is school. They have to do everything ass-backwards.

Prank Call[edit]


Butt-Head [reading the phone book] Uhm... Sa-Sachz.... Ha...rry... Hairy Sack [Laughs]
Beavis HAIRY SACK! [Laughs]

Harry [answering his phone] um...Hello...?
Beavis uh...uh...YOU SUCK! [toilet flushes]

Harry [answering the phone] Yeah?
[Butt-Head manages to do number two whilst on the phone]

[toilet flushes]

Beavis [in the background]: It's Harry Sachz!!!

[The boys have just prank called Harry Sachz, and Harry calls them back]

Butt-head: Uh, hello?
Harry Sachz: Hey, congratulations. You just won yourself a free pizza.
Butt-head: Cool!
Harry Sachz: We'll be happy to deliver it right over to your house. What's your address?
Butt-head: Uhh...
Harry Sachz: You don't know your own address?
Butt-head: Uhh...
Harry Sachz: Uh, tell you what. Do you have any mail around? Read me the address off of that.
Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. Do we, like, have any mail around?
Beavis: Uh, let's see. Just that stuff we took out of Stewart's mailbox.
Butt-head:[into phone] Uh, okay.
Harry Sachz: Good. Now, what does it say?
Butt-head: Uh, Stewart Stevenson, uh, 67 Maple Street. Now hurry up and get that pizza over here. I'm hungry.

[Butt-head hangs up, then Harry Sachz does and breaks his pencil while laughing]


[Stewart is playing a video game in the living room, when his mother brings him cookies.]

Mrs. Stevenson: Care for some cookies, Stewart?
Stewart: All right! Thanks, Mom.

[Harry Sachz busts down the front door and grunts.]

Mrs. Stevenson: (gasps)
Harry Sachz: You little worm. Was it you? Was it?
Stewart: Ahh, ahh, I didn't do anything. (screaming)
Mr. Stevenson: Damn it, what's all the noise in here? I'm on the phone-- Oh, my god.
Harry Sachz: It was you, wasn't it? I'll kill you!
Mr. Stevenson: Damn it, operator-- Ah, no! Ahh! Ow!

[Harry lunges at Mr. Stevenson and pulls him by the ankles.]

Mr. Stevenson: Hey, this is between you and Stewart. Get him! Ahh! Please!

[Mr. Stevenson is given a bog-wash by Harry.]

Harry Sachz: You like the way that sounds, funny man?
Mr. Stevenson: No! You must mean Stewart! Aah!
Harry Sachz [After giving a bog-wash to Mr. Stevenson]: Listen very carefully, funny man! If you ever, ever, call me again, I swear I'll find you, where ever you are, and I'll gut you! [Undoes Mr. Stevenson's pants] And just to be sure you don't call me, I'm gonna stick your phone where you're gonna have an awful hard time dialing it!
Mr. Stevenson: No, please, no... [Sachz shoves phone up Mr. Stevenson's anus] Aaaaaaaaah!

No Service[edit]

[on the phone]
Butt-head: Uhh, what?
Manager: [over the phone] This is your boss at Burger World. We're having an extremely busy lunch, I need one of you to come down to Burger World
Butt-head: Uhh, I'm like, busy watching TV.
Manager: Well, then, let me talk to the other one.
Butt-head: Uhh, okay. [does a bad impression of Beavis] Uh huh huh huh. Like, hi, this is Beavis, uh huh huh huh, yeah, huh huh huh. I'll be right in, sir, yeah, huh huh huh huh. You can always, like, count on me, sir, huh huh huh huh. [hangs up] Hey Beavis, that was that manager dude at Burger World. He says you have to go to work right now.
Beavis: No way! That sucks! It sucks! Hey, how come you don't have to go to work?
Butt-head: Because I'm, like, busy watching TV.
Beavis: Oh yeah. This sucks

Customer: I want a bacon cheeseburger with extra mayo, a want a large chocolate shake, two orders of onion rings, an apple pie, and a diet cola.
Beavis: You said 'pie.' That's funny, right?

Yard Sale[edit]

[The pair arrive at Mr. Anderson's yard sale]
Mr. Anderson: I can get you a real good deal on that bushwhacker.
[Beavis and Butt-head start laughing]
Butt-head: Bush.
Beavis: Whacker.

P.T.A.[edit]

[The pair receive a letter that's supposed to be for their parents]
Beavis: Maybe we can suggest that school sucks. SUCKS! SUCKS!
Butt-head: Or maybe we can suggest that we can get a teacher that's cool.

Substitute[edit]

Mr. Van Driessen: Okay, class. I'm very disappointed with your test scores.
Butt-head: We scored.

Shopping List[edit]

[Mr. Anderson has just given the pair a shopping list]
Butt-head: Would you like some toilet paper?
Beavis [in the style of Cornholio]: TP, for your bunghole!

Buy Beer[edit]

[Butt-Head puts down 6 cans of non-alcoholic beer on the register stand]
Cashier: Yeah, Can I help you?
Butt-Head: Yeah. We're going to buy this beer and get drunk.
Cashier: Yeah? Well, you can't buy beer unless you're 21. Lemme see some ID.
Butt-Head: Oh. Uh.. Well... Uh... Uh.. Uh... Huh huh... We left our IDs in the truck.
Beavis: Yeah yeah. Truck.
[the cashier checks the contents of the beer which says "Contains no alcohol"]
Cashier: Oh, you guys are buying that pee-water. I guess I can sell that crap to you.
Butt-Head: That's right. You can sell it to us. (chuckles) We're old.

[After the boys fail a field soberioty test]
Officer: I'm going to have to take you boys downtown [picks up non-alchoholic beer] and I'm going to have to take this with us.
Butt-Head: Yeah, you can't forget the beer.
Officer: [Reads on back of beer "Contains No Alcohol" and reads it aloud] You guys aren't drunk, you're just stupid.

Season 7[edit]

Butt, Butt, Hike![edit]

Vaya Con Cornholio[edit]

At Burger World

Butt-head: [eating a burger] Huh huh huh. Hey, Beavis, how's that new soda?
Beavis: Mmm, mh heh, it's pretty good.
Immigration Officer: Hey, you! ¿Habla español?
Cornholio: Español? Es-bunghole!
Officer: Oh, yeah. And he keeps saying that he needs "TP for his bunghole".
Supervisor: What the hell's a bunghole?
Cornholio: You are a bunghole! And so am I. There will be many more bungholes after me!
Officer: [reading from dictionary] Bunghole: a hole in a barrel or keg used for pouring in or drawing out liquid.
Supervisor: This kid's messed up. Let's take him back to Mexico. We'll have the federales deal with him.
Officer: Come on, Cornholio. It's time to go home.
Cornholio: Are you threatening me? You will give me TP!
Officer: I know your bunghole needs TP. We'll get you plenty of TP, and your bunghole will be just fine.
Cornholio: I'd hate for my bungholio to get polio.
Cornholio: You must feed the almighty bunghole!
Officer: I'm with immigration, and if you don't show me some proof of residency I'm gonna have to take you with
Cornholio: You can take me, but you cannot take my bunghole!
Cornholio: [arriving Mexico] Aaahh, is this Nicaragua? I will take this land for my bunghole! Long live the almighty bunghole!
Cornholio: [going to Mexico] I'm the great Cornholio. There will be TP for everyman. No man should be without TP.

Evolution Sucks[edit]

Ding Dong Ditch[edit]

Butt-head: Check it out, this trick rules! It's like we ring the door bell and then we run away.
Beavis: Yeah yeah, OK.
Man at the door: Yeah?
Beavis: We tricked him.
Butt-head: He's probably like "uhh, there is nobody here. I wonder who did that."
Man at the door: Hey, what the hell is wrong with you two. Do that again I'll kick your ass.
Beavis: Hey Butt-head, did we do that right?
Butt-head: Eeeh, I don't know. Maybe we're supposed to like run away before anyone opens the door. Let's try it again.
Beavis: Yeah, this is gonna be cool.
Butt-head: So like, this time remember to run away before they come to the door.
Beavis: Ooi, OK. "before." That was cool!
Butt-head: Yeah! They're gonna be pissed.
Beavis: Uhhm, nobody is coming out, Butt-head.
Butt-head: Maybe whoever lives there has like a broken leg or something and it takes long time to get to the door.
Beavis: Yeah, that will be pretty cool!
Butt-head: Yeah!
Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, let's ring it again!
Butt-head: Eeeh, OK.
Beavis: Let me ring it.
Butt-head: No way, Beavis. You rang it last time.
Beavis: No way. You did dill-hole!
Butt-head: Uhh, wait a minute. Uhh, I think we forgot to ring the door bell, Beavis.
Beavis: Dammit, this is really hard, Butt-head!
Butt-head: Yeah but it's cool once you get it right. Come on.
Man at the door: What do you want? What? What are you doin'?
Beavis: Did you see that? That was pretty cool!
Butt-head: Beavis, you screwed it up again! You're supposed to run before he comes to the door.
Beavis: No, dammit! I don't know when he's gonna come to the door. This sucks!
Butt-head: Dumbass!
Neighbour Woman: Where are you goin'?
Neighbour Woman's Husband: The neighbours asked if I pick up their mail while they're away on vacation.
Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. I hope whoever lives here is like taking a dump.
Beavis: He gotta run to the door.
Butt-head: Dammit, what the hell is taking so long!
Beavis: Yeah really, let's do it again. What's wrong with these people?
Butt-head: I don't know. They must be stupid.
Beavis: Are you sure we get it right this time?
Butt-head: Eeh, yeah.

[The family living there just arrives their house.]

Family guy: God, it's good to be back home huh again? What a trip!
Beavis: Hey Butt-head, they weren't even home.
Butt-head: That sucks!

[Beavis and Butt-head return home.]

Butt-head: Ding dong ditch is hard.
Beavis: Yeah yeah, that sucks. What a waste of time!
Butt-head: Maybe we were like doing something wrong. We need practice. Hey Beavis, you pretend you're at home, and I'll like do it to you.
Beavis: Yeah yeah practice.

[Butt-head goes out and rings the door bell.]

Beavis: Who do that? Hello, dammit! Nobody here, dammit! Bunghole! Ooh yeah, that worked pretty good, yeah.

Just For Girls[edit]

A Very Special Episode[edit]

Butthead: [trying to pronounce "symptoms"] Sym-sym-Simpsons? Uh, they're pretty cool.

[after Butt-head tosses a baby bird into the air]

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, you "flipped the bird." heh heh.

Dumbasses Anonymous[edit]

Bartender: I already told you kids! You don't have ID, you look underage, and if I serve you, I'll go to jail!!
Butthead: Uhh...how about one for the road?
Beavis: Yeah, like one to help me forget or something?
Joe from AA meeting: Don't worry, man, these are good kids. Y'know, you guys remind me a lot of when I was your age.
Butthead: Yeah, some day we're gonna be just like you.
Beavis: Yeah, we're gonna be drunk. (Joe falls on the floor in drunken stupor)

Underwear[edit]

Head Lice[edit]


Beavis: [in Cornholio's voice] Do you have any tsetse flies? Hehe. Teetsie!
Nurse: Here's a prescription for some special shampoo and cream for skin irritation.
Butt-head: [laughs] She said foreskin.
Beavis: Yeah. Foreskin irritation.

[Beavis starts whacking Butt-head with a flyswatter in an attempt to kill the lice]
Butt-head: Ow! What the hell are you doing, ass-wipe?!
Beavis: Yeah! I'm kicking the bugs' ass! Yeah!
Butt-head: Ow! I'm gonna kick your ass, fartknocker! [kicks Beavis in the testicles]
Beavis: AAAAAAHHH! [falls down]
Butt-head: Now get up. We gotta, like, use an infesticide.

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, are they dead?
Butt-head: Uh, I think we got 'em, dude.
[Beavis suddenly starts scratching his scrotum]
Beavis: Um....wait a minute. Dammit. I think I got some more bugs on my nads.
Butt-head: Uh, how'd they get there, Beavis?
Beavis: I don't know. Dammit!
Butt-head: Maybe you should stick your weiner in the bug zapper!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! That's a really good idea, Butt-head! [pulls bug zapper down to his crotch area] Let me just get this down here, here we go... [unzips his pants, and offscreen, follows Butt-head's advice. Electricity crackles and Beavis screams]
Butt-head [chuckling]: Dumbass!

Cyber-Butt[edit]

Butt-head: Welcome to the future: here is your free porn.

Nose Bleed[edit]

Beavis [upon noticing that he's got a nosebleed]: No! I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding!

Butthead [with the string tied to the door and to Beavis's stomach] (laughs and closes the door)
Beavis AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Blood goes all over the room]

Butt-head goes up to a woman coming out of a gas station rest-room.

Butt-head: So here's a quarter. Could you like get one of those things, you put in your thing, when you got your thing.

Woman punches Butt-head.


Citizen's Arrest[edit]

Butt-head: Beware the long arm of Butt-head.
Beavis: Beware the long wiener of Beavis!

Pierced[edit]

A Great Day[edit]

Beavis: Some day I'd like to be like that. Ya know, a kid finds a dead bird, ya give him 20 bucks for it. Now that's cool.

On Strike[edit]

Follow Me[edit]

Nothing Happening[edit]

Take A Lap[edit]

Shortcuts[edit]

The Bride Of Butt-head[edit]

Special Delivery[edit]

Woodshop[edit]

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, I don't know why, but this is giving me a stiffy.
Butt-head: Uhhhh, maybe that's why they call it 'woodshop'.

Butt-head: [Handing Beavis's severed finger to the nurse] Hey Beavis. I'm giving her the finger.

TV Violence[edit]

Canned[edit]

Garage Band[edit]

Butthead: "Come on dumb ass play it" Beavis "Check this out....UHHH YEEEAAAHHH! WAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! YOURE GONNA DIE!!!! OHHH DNANANANANANANA DIDLLYWOO WEEEWOO BROWWWWW BAAABABABA DADADADA!!!"

Impotence[edit]

Dr. Leibowitz: Let's try to see exactly what the problem is. Now, I'm going to run some tests to gauge your ability to become aroused.
Butt-head: Cool.
Dr. Leibowitz: Now, I'm going to show you some photographs. When you begin to feel aroused, just raise your hand. Now...[he sees that Beavis and Butt-head have already raised their hands]
Beavis: Um, are these pictures of the chicks we're gonna get to score with?
Dr. Leibowitz: Well, yes, if you find that helps, that would be an excellent way to think of them.
Butt-head: Cool. Bring 'em on.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. [mock-Arabic accent] Which lucky girls will be fit to join my harem?
Dr. Leibowitz: Uh, okay. Here's the first image. [holds up a photo of a model in lingerie]
Butt-head: [both raise their hands] Yes! I'll take her!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, me too. [turns to Butt-head] I saw her first, dillhole!
Dr. Leibowitz: Hmm. Let's go on. [holds up another photo]
Butt-head: Whoa! [raises his hand]
Beavis: Wha-ha! Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!!
Dr. Leibowitz: Interesting. Beavis, why didn't you raise your hand this time? Didn't you find the image exciting?
Butt-head: [looks at Beavis] Uhh, Beavis' hands are busy, sir.

The Miracle That Is Beavis[edit]

[After seeing a commercial about a book 'Seize the Power']

Butt-head: Hey Beavis....seize my weiner.

Buzzcut: Beavis!
Beavis: AAAAH! [Scared]
Buzzcut: DAMMIT YOU WILL LISTEN WHEN I'M TALKIN'!!!
Beavis: No way! I'm sick of school and I'm sick of you!
Buzzcut: WHAT?!?! YOU GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!! I'LL SEE YOU IN DETENTION!!!
Beavis: OK, cool.

Shopping Cart[edit]

Inventors[edit]

Beavis:[seeing a man chopping wood] I know. Let's invent a tree.
Butt-head: Beavis.
Beavis: See, we could build one out of lumbers and two-by-fours and stuff, and then we could like tape some leaves- [Butt-head slaps him] OW!!! See, that way, anyone who needs wood, but doesn't want to cut down his own tree, can just, like, buy our tree and cut it down, and then he- [Butt-head slaps him again] OW!!!
Butt-head: Why wouldn't he just go cut down his neighbor's tree, dumbass? Now, quit wasting time. We need to come up with a REAL money-making invention.

Die Fly, Die![edit]

Butt-Head: Now we need to get some of that bug spray.
Beavis: Bug spray?
Butt-Head: Yeah, when it lands on the garbage, we'll like, spray poison on it, then it's gonna puke all over itself and die!

Butt-head: (pulling trash can into house) So, all we need to do is... (turns around and sees Beavis taking a dump in the living room) UHHHH! BEAVIS, WHAT THE HELL ARE DOING!?
Beavis: (getting up) You said flies like to eat garbage and crap.

Beavis: Look, Butt-Head. (pulls out the hedgetrimmer) Say hello to my little friend!

Drinking Butt-ies[edit]

Work Is Death[edit]

Burger World Manager: You don't get workers compensation for fighting, it has to be an accident.
Beavis: You mean we, like, need to poop in our pants?

Breakdown[edit]

Graduation Day[edit]

Mr. Van Driessen: This is called a mortar board, and it comes with this tassel which many graduates say is a momento of their special day. Perhaps some of your older brothers and sisters still have theirs.
Butt-head: Oh yeah! My uncle has one of those hanging on his dashboard.
Mr. Van Driessen: Good, Butt-head! He must have saved it from his own high school graduation.
Butt-head: Uh...no. He didn't go to high school. He got it off the boob of some chick in a nudey bar.
Mr. Van Driessen: Butt-head...there's a big difference in the meaning of the two. I hope that someday you get to understand that.

Mr. Van Driessen: Congratulations, Cassandra. You will go far in life.
Beavis: Heheheheh...tassel.
Mr. Van Driessen: Congratulations, Butt-head. You have many...uh, qualities. (quietly and with a hint of embarrassment) Here's your diploma, Beavis. (While the other students return to their seats, Beavis & Butt-head walk out thinking it was an actual graduation)

The Future Of Beavis and Butt-head[edit]

Job Counselor: So, which duty do you enjoy most?
Butt-head: Beavis enjoys all his doodies.
Beavis: Yeah.
Job Counselor: Well, which do you enjoy most?
Beavis: Um, well...I guess the ones that take a long time.
Job Counselor: You like to get your hands dirty?
Beavis: Well, yeah, sometimes.
Job Counselor: Something you can really sink your teeth into?
Beavis: Um...no, that's disgusting.

Speech Therapy[edit]

[At Principal McVicker's Office]

Principal McVicker: Uuhh, no! Beavis and Butt-head, what the hell are you doing here?
Butt-head: Ehhh, like, two weeks ago, you told us we were suspended for like two weeks. So I think like now, we might be done being suspended, or something?
Principal McVicker: Uhh, god, I've been dreading this day.
Butt-head: Yeah, me too!
Beavis: Yeah really, school sucks!
Principal McVicker: You watch your mouth, little pain in the ass! Ehh, whose class are you supposed to be in this morning?
Butt-head: Ehh, I think the teacher is a guy. Ehh, Van..., uhh Rigvantrison?
Beavis: Yeah yeah, something like that.
Principal McVicker: Ooh, no. Mr. Van Driessen took his class to the botanical gardens today. Ooh, dammit!
Butt-head: Yeah dammit!
Beavis: Yeah dammit, god damn son of a bitch!
Principal McVicker: You little bastards, watch your language! Ooh, wait a minute. We've just got a new speech therapist on staff. Maybe I'll stick you in her class. Yeah.
Butt-head: He said "in her".
Principal McVicker: Oh, no!
Beavis: Oh, yeah.

[In Speech Therapy Class]

Ms. Jenkins: Well, good morning everyone. My name is Miss Jenkins and I'm a speech therapist. And I guess a lot of you were wondering "why do I need speech therapy?"
Beavis: Yeah.
Ms. Jenkins: I already know how to speak. What can I learn here? You know, sometimes people don't even realize they have a speech impediment.
Beavis: What's a speech im-pediment?
Butt-head: Speech im-pediments suck!
Ms. Jenkins: A person shouldn't be ashamed of having a speech impediment. As a matter of fact, many highly intelligent and creative people are speech impaired.
Butt-head: Hey Beavis, that dude has boob.
Ms. Jenkins: And once they begin to be more aware of how they sound, they are better able to correct themselves.
Beavis: Butt-head, that what I think it is?
Butt-head: Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Ms. Jenkins: Well, I'm glad to hear that Butt-head and we're all glad to have you on our little speech team.
Butt-head: Eee, can you get out of the way?
Beavis: Yeah really.
Ms. Jenkins: Well, I'll tell you what boys. I have some other pictures in my briefcase that are even more interesting than that one.
Butt-head: Really?
Beavis: What could be more interesting than this?
Ms. Jenkins: Well, how about a picture taken from right up inside the larynx?
Beavis: Wow, no way!
Butt-head: How could you get a camera up there?
Ms. Jenkins: Well, I'll be happy to show you after you practice this next exercise, OK?
Butt-head: This is gonna be cool.
Beavis: Yeah yeah, boi-oi-oi...
Ms. Jenkins: OK now, we're going to use these mirrors to observe our lips, and teeth, and tongue during speech.
Butt-head: Butt-munch, dill-lead.
Beavis: Ass-wipe, butt-hole.
Butt-head: Ass-munch
Ms. Jenkins: Butt-head, this might be a good time to work on your "s".
Butt-head: Eeeh, I didn't know my ass needed any work.
Ms. Jenkins: Now don't get defensive Butt-head, I just want to try to clean it up a little, OK? Now try this. Make a "t" sound, then throw it out like this. Everyone, let's try to help Butt-head, OK?
Butt-head: Hey Beavis, check it out!
Ms. Jenkins: Settle down please, all right boys? OK. What I'd like everyone to do is to repeat these sentences while watching your mouth in your mirrors, OK? All right, here goes: Speaking slowly as such can say just as much.
Butt-head: Whoa, she just said "ass munch"!
Beavis: Yeah, this chick rules. "Ass munch"!
Ms. Jenkins: Very good, boys! As much.
Beavis: Ass munch!
Butt-head: Ass munch!
Ms. Jenkins: All right, let's try this one. Half haste helps, but whole haste hinders.
Butt-head: Whoa, she just said "butthole"!
Beavis: Yeah yeah, butthole!
Ms. Jenkins: But whole haste...
Beavis: Yeah yeah, butthole butthole! This is cool. Bunghole!
Ms. Jenkins: No no Beavis, listen closely. But whole, but whole.
Beavis: Oooh yeah yeah.
Principal McVicker: I just came by to see if these two little bastards have done anything I can suspend them for.
Ms. Jenkins: Actually principal McVicker, these boys have done very well. Beavis, Butt-head, would you like to show your principal what you've learned today?
Butt-head: Assmunch
Beavis: And butthole. Butthole.
Principal McVicker: Watch your mouth, you little sons of bitches.
Ms. Jenkins: Principal, please. Now I don't want you to take this to the wrong way, principal. But I've noticed that you have a litle trouble expressing yourself sometimes.
Principal McVicker: What?
Butt-head: McVicker is a dumbass. He doesn't know how to talk to chicks.
Beavis: Yeah really. He's probably like "....." Boi-oi-oi...

Leave It To Beavis[edit]

Beaver: [who is on TV] Gee Wally, dad said not to. And besides, I don't want him to holler at me.
Butt-head: Uhuhuhuh...beaver.
Beavis: Yeah yeah, Beaver kicks ass. But it's like, um, that'd not really what stuff was like back then.
Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, if this was real, and it was like the 50's, things would be all different and stuff.

Todd: So, Beaver...
Beavis: The name's Beavis, sir.
Todd: Well excuse me, Beaver.

Mrs. Steveson: Now dear, don't you think you should go to work today?
Butt-head: Uh, no. [rubs her arm]

Todd: Now get in there and get me some smokes.
Beavis: Are you sure I should be doing this?
Todd: What did you say?
Beavis: I said are you-

[Todd revs the car so the rest of the words aren't heard]

Todd: Listen squirt, you better get in there and get me some smokes before today's lesson turns into Ass-kicking 101.

Store Owner: Well hey there Master Cleaver, aren't you supposed to be in school?
Beavis: Well, I guess so, b-but all I know is I'm sposed to come in here and buy some cigarettes.
Store Owner: Hey, you wouldn't be buying these for Eddy now would ya?
Beavis: ...Gee, how'd you know?

[Store Owner looks out window and sees Todd smoking. Canned laughter.]


Store Owner: Tell Eddy it's against the law for me to sell cigarettes to a boy your age. And then, tell him cigarettes cause cancer.
Beavis: Y-yeah but, if I tell him that, he might get all sore 'n stuff. A-and then he's liable to beat me up.
Store Owner: Well, if he tries that, you tell him that's against the law too.

Butt-head: Woah. What happened, uh, son?
Todd: It seems that little Beaver here ran afoul of some asphalt.
Butt-head: Uh huh huh....asphalt.

Mrs. Stevenson: Aren't you being a little hard on the Beavis?
Butt-head: Huh huh huh, hard. Huhuhuhuh, on.

Butt Flambé[edit]

Butt-head: Uh, is this the hostipal?
Guy:Can I help you?
Butt-head: You can tell me if this is a damn hostipal.
Guy: Yes, and what's your problem?
Butt-head: [looks at Beavis] He's the one with the problem. Look at him.
Beavis: [scared] My butt HURTS!!
Guy: We got a crispy critter!
[Beavis whimpering]
Butt-head: [chuckling] "Crispy critter".
Beavis: [horrified and panicking] I'LL NEVER POOP AGAIN!!!


Our Founding Losers[edit]

[Butt-Head as Paul Revere riding into town]

Butt-Head: Uhh, the Yiddish are coming! The Yiddish are coming!

[Beavis is having a dream of the writing of the Declaration of Independence; Thomas Jefferson is dictating and Beavis is dressed like Benjamin Franklin]

Thomas Jefferson: "All Men are endowed by their creator, with certain inalienable Rights, and among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." Have you anything to add, Compatriot Beavis?
Beavis: Oh, um, OK, let me think- how about this? "All chicks shall be required to do it with us, at all times. E pluribus unum."
Thomas Jefferson: A damn fine idea, lad.
All: Hear hear!

Beavis and Butt-head Are Dead[edit]

The phone begins to ring.

Beavis: Um, hey, Butt-head, I think the phone is ringing.
Butt-head: Yeah, well make it stop.

Beavis goes to the phone and answers it.

Beavis: Um...who are you?
McVicker's secretary: This is Highland High calling. We're trying to figure out why Beavis and Butt-head haven't been in school for the past three weeks.
Beavis: Oh. Um...yeah, they're dead.

Mr. Van Driessen:Students, can I have your attention? There's been a terrible tragedy...and I wanted you to hear it from me first-
Principal McVicker: (over PA) Listen up! Beavis and Butt-head are dead! There will be an emergency meeting in the teachers' conference room in five minutes, followed by a brief party. WHOO! YEAH!

Principal McVicker: [Giving speech at fund-raiser] I would gladly give back all the money, just to see Beavis and Butt-head one more time.
Butt-head: Okay, McDicker, give us some money.
Principal McVicker: What!?
Beavis: Where the hell are the dead people?
Principal McVicker: Uhhh, you're supposed to be dead!

[Principal McVicker struggles with Beavis and Butthead. He then sees the memories of the boys' antics and soon has a heart attack]

Beavis: Whoa! A dead body! Check it out!
Coach Buzzcut: Give the man some air! He's not dead yet!

[Buzzcutt gives him mouth-to-mouth]


[The final lines of the series as the boys walk off to the strings of love music and sirens--with the money collected in their names]

Butt-head: Hey Beavis, did you see McVicker? He was like ‘uh, uh, uh,' and then Buzzcut made out with him.
Beavis: Yeah, that was cool. We should go to school early tomorrow, you know, in case someone else dies.
Butt-head: Dumbass, [the two begin walking off into the sunset] we're rich; we don't have to go to school ever again.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's pretty damn cool.
Butt-head: Uh huh huh, yeah.
Beavis and Butt-head: [simultaneously, laughing for the last time] Heh heh heh mh heh heh heh... Uh huh huh huh huh huh huh...

[The screen fades out and a title card reads THE END ]

Season 8[edit]

Werewolves of Highland[edit]

[As girls in a movie theater are struck by a Twilight love scene]

Butt-head: Well this isn't very good.
Beavis: So uh, is Bella a zombie? She's just standing there with her mouth open and she acts like she's dead...
Girl: Shhh! Quiet!
Beavis: Ehh, sorry, sorry.
Movie Vampire: I will fight for you until your heart stops beating. And then I will still love you. And then I will keep loving you, until the end of time...

[more reactions from the girls in the theater]

Butt-head: How come everyone whispers in these movies?
Beavis: They're probably embarrassed. What do you think?
Girls: Shhh! Shut up!
'Beavis: Oh sorry. Sorry.

Henry: [as Beavis and Butt-Head approach, thinking he is a werewolf] Women? Let me tell you something about women. They're all right. They're fiiiine when they don't know what's happening. I don't think you no listening to me! No listen to me! You no listen to me!!
Butt-Head: Uhh, thank you oh great master for your wisdom. But, uh, we were like wondering if you could like, bite us?
Beavis: Yeah me too.
Henry: You got a dollar?
Butt-Head: Uhh, we have gum.[offers gum]
Henry: Ah, like me gum! [ingests the gum and proceeds to ferociously bite Beavis and Butt-Head repeatedly]
Beavis: [amongst saying "ow"] Cool!
Butt-Head: [also saying "ow"] You don't have to go crazy!
Beavis: Okay that's enough!
Henry: [drops both boys] Ahhh, like me gum!
Beavis: [getting up and limping away] Dammit, that hurt.
Butt-Head: Don't worry, Beavis. It'll be worth it.

Butt-Head: [infected with a string of diseases] Being a werewolf hurts my bones...

Crying[edit]

[after Beavis has sniffed an onion]

Butt-head: Whoa! You're crying!
Beavis: What, no I'm not!
Butt-head: You're crying like a girl!
Beavis: No way! I am not! Dammit!
Butt-head: You're moved.
Beavis: I am not moved! Shut up! I don't know what it is.
Butt-head: This is amazing!

Daughter's Hand[edit]

Tech Support[edit]

Woman on Phone: How do you turn on the frickin' Auto-Complete feature because every time I try to sign on to the frickin' Internet
Beavis: (working for tech-support) Heh... do you have any matches? Try setting it on.... fffffffire!
Butt-Head: (working for tech-support) Uhh, ma'am, can you say trackball again?
Woman: Track...ball...

Holy Cornholio[edit]

Beavis: [after accidentally forcing a screw through his hand, playing with an action figure and a screwdriver] Ahh! Butt-Head!
Butt-Head: [referring to the screw] It's in his butt.
Beavis: It hurts!
Butt-Head: Uh, I wouldn't know.
Beavis: Uh, oh yeah! Well, I mean, the screw, went into my hand! Come on, get it out!
Stewart: Oh my God! He's bleeding!
Butt-Head: Cool! Uh, don't worry, I'll fix it.
Beavis: Come on, Butt-Head, do something! [Butt-Head grabs a power drill] AHH! [holds hand away]
Butt-Head: Settle down, Beavis! [Beavis looks unsure] Uh, okay this is gonna hurt you a lot more than it's gonna hurt me. How hold still, dumbass! [Beavis, shuts his eyes and holds both hands out to Butt-Head, who accidentally forces the screw even deeper, through his other hand attaching his hands together]
Beavis: Cut it out, bunghole!!
Stewart: [panicking] OH MY GOD!
Butt-Head: Uhh, I think this screwdriver's like broken or something.
Stewart: Oh my God! Butt-Head, you gotta get Beavis to the hospital!
Butt-Head: Don't worry, Beavis. It's not the first time you've screwed your hand.
Beavis: Oh yeah! Ow!

Nurse: [with parents and their newborn baby] He's so beautiful! What are you gonna name him?
Father: Well, we've always liked the name, Theo-
Beavis: I am Cornholio! You will name your baby, Bungholio! An albino? Hoolio, bunghholio! He will be an albino! [walks away as Butt-Head approaches] And a gringo.
Butt-Head: Uh, are you gonna feed him with your boob? That would be cool.

Drones[edit]

Butt-head: Whoa! Are these video games?
Beavis: Cool! Me first! Me first!

Supersize Me[edit]

Bathroom Break[edit]

The Rat[edit]

Spill[edit]

Doomsday[edit]

Dumb Design[edit]

Copy Machine[edit]

Holding[edit]

Used Car[edit]

Bounty Hunters[edit]

Time Machine[edit]

Massage[edit]

School Test[edit]

Principal McVicker: You two are the worst students this school has ever had. And now because of that No Child Left Behind law, we may lose our funding! Teachers will get laid off, I could lose my job!
Butt-head: Uh... did you say something about a child's behind?
Beavis: Yeah, he definitely said something about a child's left behind! I heard him!
Butt-head: No wonder you're gonna lose your job.

Snitchers[edit]

Whorehouse[edit]

Going Down[edit]

Specials[edit]

Bungholio - Lord of the Harvest[edit]

Beavis Hey Butt-Head...These sheets smell funny
Butt-Head uh-huh-huh-huh, These are my special monkey-sheets

Tom Anderson: Now what in the hell are you two boys supposed to be?
Beavis: I'm a nad.
Butt-head: I'm a dumbass. Check it out. Uh huh huh huh. Uh huh huh. Uhuhuhuhuhuh.

[telephone rings]

Tom Anderson: Now hold on just a second. [picks up phone] Well John Thomas! How long's it been? You still got Dick's number?

[Beavis and Butt-head snicker]


Beavis and Butt-head Do Christmas[edit]

Beavis: Yeah well it's like, we'd all like to go home. Hell, I'd like to go home and spank my monkey! In fact, heh heh, that's a pretty good idea. So you two have to stay here and work late. Heh heh, and, um, Butt-head is in charge, because he's got..."sen-ror-ity" or something. Heh heh.
Butt-head: Uh, cool! Huh huh huh, clean the grill, McVicker!

McVicker: Uhhhh, merry Christmas, everybody. Sorry I'm late, but Beavis wouldn't let me off. So I had to sneak out during my break. Uhhhh, look. Here's Christmas dinner. [he takes a cheeseburger and fries out of the "Merry Meal" box] A cheeseburger, fries, and look. Your Christmas present. [he takes the present out of the box, which are stick on tattoos with a picture of a purple panda] Stick on tattoos. Ohhh. Now share it with your brothers and sisters.
McVicker's Son #2: Wow! Thanks, Dad. This is great!
[McVicker's children are excited to see the present.]

Butt-head: Hey Beavis, let's get out of here...
Stewart: Hey, no cutters buddy.
Butt-head: Shut up, Stewart! Come on, Beavis, let's go.
Beavis: Uuuuummm, have we met before, sir?
Butt-head: It's me, you bunghole!
Beavis: Uuuummm, what's a bunghole?
Butt-head: You're a bunghole, bunghole!
Stewart: Hey, Cro magnon, you can't use a word to define one self.
Beavis: Yeah, Cro magnon.
Butt-head: I can too, bunghole. Come on Beavis, let's go...
Beavis: Hey, let go, pervert! We still have to give out Gingerbread Men.
Butt-head: Cut the crap, Beavis; you still owe me a dollar!
Beavis: Help! Help! Who are you!?!

Beavis and Butt-head Do Thanksgiving[edit]

Kurt Loder: This just in, our guest reporters Beavis and Butt-head are on the scene. What's happening down there guys? [dissolve to Beavis and Butt-head stuck behind a crowd]
Butt-head: Uhh, this sucks, Loder, we can't see anything.
Beavis: Wait a minute, you know, that's not true, Butt-head, we can see a lot of butts.
Butt-head: Uhh, oh yeah.
Kurt Loder: Hey, hey, don't just stand there, guys, interview somebody, will you?
Butt-head: Uhh, we could interview their butts. [laughs]
Beavis: Yeah! It'd be like, "Hello butt, what do you think of the parade so far?" and they'd be like [imitates fart noises] "Well, BBBBBRRRRRFFFFFTTTTTT!!!!"
Butt-head: Uhh, shut up, Beavis. That isn't even funny. Uhh, besides, I wanna see, like, naked butts.
Beavis: Yeah yeah, really. You know Loder, the butts were a lot better at that porno place, and it was a lot warmer too.
Butt-head: Yeah, really. Hey Loder, here's a news report for you. I'm freezing my nutsack off.

Butt-head: Uhh, hey, we're back.
Beavis: Hey Butt-head, check it out, there's a marching band out here.
Butt-head: Really? They suck.
Beavis: Yeah, but, you know, it could be kinda cool to be in a marching band. You know, those guys just poop right on the street.
Butt-head: What are you talking about, Beavis?
Beavis: No, no, I'm serious. I'm serious, one time, when I was a kid I saw this parade, and after the marching band went by, there were these big huge turds everywhere. And it was like, there was grass sticking out of them and stuff. It was cool.
Butt-head: Beavis, you dumbass, those turds didn't come from the band, they came from the horses.
Beavis: But, um...oh! That would explain the grass. But, um, that's really too bad, you know, cause I was thinking it would be cool to join the school band, and you know, you'd just be marching along, playing your instrument, you know, and be like, [sings] "Dun-da-da-dun-da-da-da-da-da-plop!"
Butt-head: Beavis...
Beavis: Yeah, and then, whenever I'd be taking a poop at school, somebody would be like "What are you doing in there?", and I'd be like, "I'm trying out for the band!", plop.
Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, if this wasn't Thanksgiving, I'd be slapping the crap out of you, now shut up. [to camera] Hey Loder, this music sucks, why don't you make yourself useful and play a video?


Music Video Segments[edit]

#[edit]

2 Unlimited, Get Ready For This[edit]

Beavis: Um, heh, is this football?
Butt-head: Uhhh, no I think this is that, uh, shampoo commercial.
Beavis: No it's not! Y'know what this is? This is Telemundo! [gibbers in Spanish]
Butt-head: How come you always watch Telemundo, Beavis?
Beavis: Um, because they have all these fine chicks, with big boobs, and like, really tight dresses.
Butt-head: Oh yeah. It seems like they always have some big, fat host on Telemundo, who's like, all dorky looking. And then like, all the chicks are really good looking.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, that guy's cool!
Butt-head: Yeah, he always walks up to the chicks with his microphone and goes: "Aprenda, [Spanish gibberish]."
Beavis: Oh yeah. I bet he scores constantly!

Beavis: Y'know what I think I'm gonna do? I'm gonna shave my chest like these dudes, and walk around with one of these vests, and like learn to dance like that. And then, I will score all the time!
Butt-head: Instead of doing that, why don't you just, like, talk all that Spanish stuff? That would probably work.
Beavis: Heh, oh yeah. "Hey baby, [Spanish gibberish]."
Butt-head: I'm gonna try becoming one of those big, fat dudes, and go: "[Spanish gibberish]".

Beavis: This music kind of sucks.
Butt-head: This isn't even music really. This is just like that kind of crap that guy plays down at the organ store at the mall, on one of those $10,000 organs.
Beavis: Yeah, heh: "How much for your organ, sir?"
Butt-head: "Uh, that'll be $10,000 son. Please don't touch it."

3OH!3, Touchin' on My[edit]

Beavis: [Referring to man walking with stereo] Well look at this guy. Got his whole day ahead of him, you know?
Butt-head: Strolling down the beach with the speakers the wrong way...
Beavis: Not a care in the world, you know?
[The guy is hit by a car]
Beavis: Whoa!
Butt-head: Uh... oh no. Well, at least he died before they started singing.

[A naked man appears from the front]
Beavis: There was a schlong just then, but I'm not gonna say anything about it.
Butt-head: It's like, these guys both look like asswipes, but in two completely different ways.
Beavis: You know, they compliment each other, you know?
Butt-head: Let's see, what else can they do to be an asswipe?
Beavis: See, maybe they'll steal some jump ropes from little girls. Steal some money from a homeless guy.
Butt-head: Uh, boy. It's like, if their music by itself didn't make you hate them, they're giving you plenty of other reasons.
Beavis: I bet deaf people hate them too.

Butt-head: I'm glad these guys found each other.
Beavis: I wonder how they met.
Butt-head: They were probably like, pushing over some kid's sand castle, and they were like "Whoa! You have tight jeans and Converse All-Stars just like me! Do you like shoving little kids? I do too! Let's start a band."

Butt-head: That's how we roll through the Century 21 Branch Office.
Beavis: Biatch! Yeah, take that! Their walls aren't clean now!

A[edit]

Paula Abdul, Crazy Cool[edit]

Beavis: Whoa, check it out! It's Paula Abdula!
Butt-head: Yeah. This is like, every outfit she's ever had in a video.
Beavis: Oh yeah.

Beavis: I'm gonna go to the kitchen.
Butt-head: Why?
Beavis: 'Cause I have to take a leak.
Butt-head: Uh... you mean the bathroom, Beavis.
Beavis: Um... oh yeah, didn't really matter. [Beavis gets up and leaves]
Butt-head: You should stick around, Beavis, because later on, you could see her... epidermis.
Beavis: Um... OK, maybe I'll stick around for a couple of minutes.

Beavis: Um... I thought you said we were gonna see her epnaspermis.
Butt-head: Uh... no. But your epidermis is showing.
Beavis: Um... what? No way! Are you talking about my nutsack?
Butt-head: You don't know what it is! And everyone can see it.
Beavis: Shut up! Your epraspermis is showing! And your nads are too, bunghole!

Beavis: I've had enough of this crap. I'm gonna go to the kitchen. [leaves again]
Butt-head: Hey Beavis, get back in here! I just saw something cool! Whoa, Beavis, get back in her! Her pants are hiked up her butt!
Beavis: Where? Where?!
Butt-head: Dumbass!

AC/DC, Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap[edit]

Beavis: That drummer is old.
Butthead: Shut up, fart knocker, he's cool!

Beavis: Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap!
Butthead: Sing it Beavis!

Butthead: Hey Beavis, you ever done a dirty deed?
Beavis: Yeah. I spanked my monkey one time.

Butthead: THese guys always wear the same clothes. That's cool. Hey, we always wear the same clothes! I've had this shirt on for six months!
Beavis: I've had this on for seven months.

Accept, Balls to the Wall[edit]

Butt-head: Wait a minute! What's this? This sucks!
Beavis: Yeah, it sucks!

Butt-head: Who's this?
Beavis: Yeah!
Butt-head: What's this buttmunch doing on a stage?

Butt-head: You got a backstage pass, sir?
Beavis: Yeah! [Imitates the lead singer's German accent]

Butt-head: Where did this guy come from?
Beavis: Yeah. Maybe he's just special.
Butt-head: Yeah!

Butt-head: Well, he is saying balls, and normally, that would be pretty cool...
Beavis: Yeah, but under these circumstances, it sucks!
Butt-head: Yeah. Usually, demolition and destruction is pretty cool too, but I don't know, it's like, here, it just like...falls flat.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! I think even if they had some fire in this video, it would still suck.

Butt-head: Look! It's Krokus coming to kick their ass. It's The Night of the Living Bands That Suck.

Alice in Chains, Man in the Box[edit]

Butt-head: This is cool.
Beavis: Yeah. It rules. It rules. IT RULES!!!
Butt-head: Right on, Beavis.

Butt-head: These guys are cool.
Beavis: Yeah. It kicks butt! It kicks ass! It kicks ass!
Butt-head: Rock on, Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Rock!

Butt-head: No Way, they put that dude in a fence.
Beavis: Fences are cool.
Butt-head: Especially electric fences.
Beavis: [chanting] When I was little and had no sense/I took a whiz on an electric fence/It hurt so bad, it shocked my balls/Then I took a crap in my overalls!
Butt-head: Whoa! That was cool.

Butt-head: Uhh!
Beavis: Ahh!
Butt-head: Whoa, his eyes are sewn shut.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! He must have seen something so horrible, like, his eyeballs melted.
Butt-head: Maybe he saw that Winger video.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah!

Alice in Chains, I Stay Away[edit]

Beavis: Next time they have a clay project at school, I'm gonna make a big boob. Yeah yeah. Maybe a butt too.
Butthead: Yeah. Last time you just made an ash tray. It sucked.
Beavis: Oh yeah. So? You made a baseball.
Butthead: Oh yeah. Then the teacher called me a lazy turd.
Beavis: Yeah. So then you made that.
Butthead: Yeah, but not out of clay.

Alien Sex Fiend, Now I'm Feeling Zombified[edit]

Butt-head: Cool! Skulls!
Beavis: Yeah! Skulls kick ass.
Butt-head: That guy looks pretty cool.
Beavis: Yeah. He looks cool because he's like, dead.
Butt-head: It's like, this video looks pretty cool, but the sound sucks.
Beavis: Yeah. Check this out, Butt-head. [Beavis turns the volume all the way down]
Butt-head: Whoa! That's better. [Starts humming metal music]
Beavis: [Singing along] I'm a zombie/I'm a dead guy/I like to eat people's brains/and um, and like, look at my eyeballs/and I'm a dead guy in a corner/and I'm a zombie."
Butt-head: That was pretty good, Beavis! You should like, be a lead singer.
Beavis: Yeah! All I need is clown makeup.
Butt-head: I bet if we like, did that over this video, it would be like, a buzzclip.
Beavis: Yeah. We're cool.

Tori Amos, Crucify[edit]

Tori Amos: I wanna spit in their faces...
Butt-head: She's gonna spit on someone?
Beavis: Yeah! Go for it!
Butt-head: That would be pretty cool.

Tori Amos: I got a bowling ball in my stomach, I got a desert in my mouth...
Butt-head: Is that Dave Mustaine?
Beavis: Yeah. [imitating Dave Mustaine] I'VE GOT A BOWLING BALL IN MY STOMACH, I GOT A DESERT IN MY MOUTH!
Butt-head: That was pretty good, Beavis.

Butt-head: How many videos are they gonna make with chicks in a bathtub?
Beavis: At least if they showed them naked it would be cool.
Butt-head: Yeah. How come they never have chicks in showers?
Beavis: Like in soap commercials. Did you ever see that soap commercial where that chick gets stabbed? [Beavis imitates stabbing movements and Bernard Hermann's score] REE! REE! REE! REE! REE!
Butt-head: No, buttmunch. That's that movie about those guys in the woods.
Beavis: They're not in the woods. They're in the shower. [imitates stabbing movements again] REE! REE! REE! REE!

Butt-head: Is this like, a commercial for VH1?
Beavis: Yeah. "The difference between you and your parents".
Butt-head: That's stupid.

Anthrax, Hy Pro Glo[edit]

Butt-head: The army kicks ass.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Is Anthrax in the army?
Butt-head: Uh, I think that Scott dude is in the army.
Beavis: Yeah, he has a regulation cut. Like Major Dan.
Butt-head: Yeah: "Today's army rocks".

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, this is like that thing they play, like, really late at night when the station's, like, going off the air.
Butt-head: Yeah, only the music's alot cooler. This should, like, be the National Anthem.
Beavis: Yeah, the National Anthrax.
Butt-head: Yeah, like they could play it at baseball games and stuff.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Like, the Judds could come out and go: "I CAN'T LOOK AT YOU! I CAN'T LOOK LIKE YOU!"
Butt-head: That's pretty good Beavis. You sound just like the Judds.

Beavis: Yes, bombs! Hey Butt-head, wouldn't that be cool if like, one day we were like, going to school and a bunch of planes dropped a bunch of bombs?
Butt-head: You dumbass. Bombs would like, hurt and stuff. It's only cool when they drop 'em on CNN.

B[edit]

Bananarama, Venus[edit]

Beavis: Is this Wilson Phillips?
Butt-head: Yeah. This is back when they were cool.

[Singing along with group]
Beavis: I'm your Beavis!
Butt-head: I'm your Venus...um, hey Beavis, what rhymes with "Venus"?
Beavis: Um...um...venus...Venus Flytrap.

Butt-head: These chicks should marry GWAR.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! That would be cool!
Butt-head: They would have offspring that would be the coolest people ever lived.
Beavis: Yeah! And they would rule Antarctica.
Butt-head: They would rule the entire world.

[A singer is dressed in a leather devil costume]
Butt-head: Whoa! Satan's got back!

Band Aid, Do They Know It's Christmas?[edit]

Butt-head: Who's this fartknocker?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. What's wrong with him?
Butt-head: He should like, go to the doctor, and say: "Doctor, I suck! You've gotta help me!"
Beavis: Yeah, heh, that would be cool.
Butt-head: AUGH! It's that dude!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, it's that Boy chick.

[Phil Collins is seen playing the drums]
Butt-head: What a dork!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, really!

Butt-head: Oh, I know what this is! This is one of those things where a bunch of rich people get together and ask for money.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, it's one of those things.

The Bangles, Manic Monday[edit]

Butt-head: I heard these girls bang elves. Hey Beavis, would you bangle her?
Beavis: Yeah!

Battles feat. Gary Numan, My Machines[edit]

[a man begins falling down an escalator]

Butt-head: Whoa, cool!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! I like watching people fall down on TV! It's funny.
Butt-head: Yeah, it's like, if he was just falling downstairs, it would be over fast, but with an escalator, it just keeps going.
Beavis: You know, um, it'd be funnier if he was fat, but you know this is still pretty cool.
Butt-head: Yeah. This rules! I could watch this forever.

Beavis: I don't think he even wants to get up the escalator.
Butt-head: Maybe if he'd go buy something instead of monkeying around on the escalator, the economy wouldn't suck.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Get off your butt, get off that escalator and go by a Cinnabon! Maybe some Dippin' Dots.

Beavis: See, see right here during this part, they should be playing some like, uh, some old timey piano music, you know. :[Imitates music]

Butt-head: His kid's probably like "uh... where's daddy with my birthday presents?" He's drunk at the mall again, flailing around on the escalator.

Beastie Boys, Pass the Mic[edit]

Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Beastie Boys! Yeah! Alright!
Butt-head: Yeah. It's about time.
Beavis: HELL YEAH! HELL YEAH!

Butt-head: Uh, I heard on MTV News that this dude's dad writes movies.
Beavis: What do you mean, he writes movies? You can't read a movie!
Butt-head: No, it's like, he writes what they say.
Beavis: You mean he just like goes to movies and sits there and writes down everything they say??
Butt-head: No he writes it down before they say it!
Beavis: Well how does he know what they're gonna say??!!
Butt-head: He just, like, makes it up.
Beavis: Really? Well anybody can do that!
Butt-head: Yeah.
Beavis: So like, if there's an explosion, does he write that?
Butt-head: Uhh, I think he just like, writes "kaboom".
Beavis: How about when like people are like, you know, naked and getting it on?
Butt-head: Uhh, he just writes "squeak, squeak, squeak, wank".
Beavis: I'll be damned. Well, anybody could do that! It's like, you know, okay, two dudes go try to like, rob this other dude, and he has this chick and she's got big hooters...see, see? I'm doing it right now.
Butt-head: Yeah, but you're not writing it down.
Beavis: Oh yeah.

Beastie Boys, Sabotage[edit]

Butt-head: Yes!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, here it is!
Butt-head: It's about time!
Beavis: It's on, Butt-head, it's on!
Butt-head: Okay, Beavis, now shut up!
Beavis: Okay. I'm just gonna shut my mouth and watch. [hums the main riff]

["The Chief" kicks through a steel gate]
Beavis: YEAH!!! Check this part out. Yeah, they're gonna kick some ass now!
Butt-head: Beavis, you said you were gonna shut up.
Beavis: Oh sorry. I'm just gonna shut up and listen. [Cochese kicks a concrete wall] Yeah, yeah, kick it!

[Cochese climbs up a tall building, then it cuts to a man carrying groceries]
Beavis: Now see, this guy's going up on the roof, and this guy doesn't know what's gonna happen, so when they go in, when he goes into his apartment, they're gonna beat the living crap out of him! Check out.
Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, I told you to shut up!
Beavis: Okay, okay! I'm not gonna say anything! I'm just gonna be quiet. I'm just gonna be quiet for a while.

[two of the cops are dressed as a chef and a bellhop]

Beavis: Whoa, check this out! See, he's coming in, he's delivering room service...
Butt-head: [interrupting] Dammit Beavis! [slaps Beavis]
Beavis: Oh, sorry. Yeah, I forgot. Yeah, this is exciting! Yeah, yeah.

[ MCA, in costume, exits a hotel, a caption reads "guest starring Sir Stewart Wallace as himself"]
Beavis: Now that's Stewart Wallace, see? Sir Stewart Wallace, he plays himself. This is gonna be cool when the video finally comes out.
Butt-head: Uhh, what are you talking about, Beavis?
Beavis: You know, when the real video finally comes out?
Butt-head: This is the video, dumbass.
Beavis: No way! That's cool.

[ DJ Hurricane appears in the video, a caption reads "Fred Kelly as Bunny"]
Beavis: Hey Butt-head, see, there's Fred Kelly, he plays Bunny.
Butt-head: Yeah.
[MCA appears once again, but as a different character, a caption reads "starring Nathan Wind as Cochese"]
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, it's Nathan Wind, see? It's Cochese!
Butt-head: Cochese is cool.
Beavis: Yeah, Cochese kicks ass!

[ Ad-Rock appears in the video, a caption reads "Vic Colfari as Bobby, 'The Rookie'"]

Beavis: That's "the Rookie", see? See Cochese back there?
Butt-head: Uh-huh.
Beavis: See, the Rookie, he's got a really short fuse.
Butt-head: Oh yeah.
Beavis: It's like, he's pretty good, but it's like, he's got a bad temper, and so like, Cochese has to calm him down sometimes.
Butt-head: Cool.

Beck, Pay No Mind[edit]

Beavis: Whoa, what's that noise?
Butt-head: It's Satan, dumbass. [imitates warbled tape]
Beavis: Yeah, heh, that's cool.

Beck: Tonight the city is full of morgues...
Butt-head: Tonight, the city's full of whores?
Beavis: I wish our city was full of whores. That'd be pretty cool.
Butt-head: Uh...yeah, I guess that would be pretty cool.

[Beck is wearing a shirt that says "Rock Me"]
Butt-head: Check it out Beavis, his shirt says "Kick me".
Beavis: Maybe someone will kick him in the nads.
Butt-head: That would be cool.
Beavis: Yeah, kick him.

Beavis: Who is this fartknocker, anyway?
Butt-head: He's like, one of those dudes from the gifted class.
Beavis: Those guys always, like, write words like this.
Butt-head: Yeah, really. "The sails climb high in the garbage pail sky." That's stupid.
Beavis: How come people in the gifted class are always stupid?
Butt-head: Uhh...hmm. I dunno.

[seeing a policeman run into a house]
Beavis: Ten Six Niner, Ten Six Niner, we got whores in the city! We need back up now! Come on!

Bee Gees, Jive Talkin'[edit]

Butt-head: Whoa! Is this the Black Crowes?
Beavis: Yeah!
Butt-head: Wait a minute, this isn't Black Crowes. This is cool.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! These guys are cool!

Butt-head: Hey Beavis, who are these guys?
Beavis: Uhhhhh, ummmm, I think they just went on tour with Anthrax and White Zombie.
Butt-head: Oh yeah. They're cool.

Biohazard, Tales From the Hard Side[edit]

Evan Seinfeld: Tales from the hard side!
Butt-head: Tales from the hard side? Is that like, stories about stiffies?
Beavis: Yeah, it's like, once upon a time, I had a stiffy, and I lived happily ever after, and that's my tale from the hard side. Thank you, I'm Beavis. Good night.
Butt-head: If I had a story for every stiffy I ever had, I'd have uh...several stories.
Beavis: Yeah yeah, me too.

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, it's like, these guys jump around and stuff like they're rapping, but this isn't rap music! It's metal!
Butt-head: So what, Beavis? You just don't have any like, uh...imagination.
Beavis: Um...I know. I don't want any either. Imagination sucks! It hurts when I use my imagination.
Butt-head: Okay.

Butt-head: Whoa! That dude can scream for a long time.
Beavis: No way, that's nothing! Check this out. [Beavis screams without stopping for the remainder of the video]
Butt-head: Shut up!

Biohazard w/ Onyx, Judgment Night[edit]

Butt-head: These guys are cool cause they're like, pissed off.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like they're cool cause they're like, pissed off.
Butt-head: Damnit Beavis, how come you always have to repeat what I say? Why do you do that?
Beavis: Yeah, heh, why do you do that?
Butt-head: Beavis, if you repeat what I say one more time I'm gonna kick your ass.
Beavis: I'm gonna kick your ass.
Butt-head: See, you did it again, Beavis.
Beavis: You did it again, heh, Beavis.

Bivouac, Cynic[edit]

Butt-head: Uh...this is boring.
Beavis: Yeah, really! It's boring enough to watch this, and then they're bored doing it; maybe next time, they'll learn to rock!

Butt-head: What a bunch of wussies. It's like they're all hanging out by the diving board, but like, everyone's too chicken to jump off.
Beavis: If they could like take those guitars and those amps, and just like, push them off the diving board and into the water, and you know, watch them all get electrocuted or something, that would rule!

Beavis: You know, um, I dove off the high dive once. Remember? That was cool.
Butt-head: Uh, you didn't dive, Beavis, you fell off. You were trying to run back to the ladder and you slipped.
Beavis: No, no way!
Butt-head: You were flailing around in the water. And then that dude with the hairy chest came and saved you.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! At least I fell off it! I didn't even see you climb up!
Butt-head: Yeah I did! After they took you off in the ambulance, I was like, doing a bunch of swan dives. It was cool! And then I scored.
Beavis: Whoa, really? You're cool, Butt-head!
Butt-head: Yeah. It was cool!

Biz Markie, Just A Friend[edit]

[Biz Markie is dressed as Mozart and playing the harpsichord]
Butt-head: He's dressed up like that dude on the dollar.

Biz Markie: You! You got what I need! But you say he's just a friend, but you say he's just a friend, oh baby...
Butt-head: [singing off-key] YOU!! GOT WHAT I NEE-EED!! BUT YOU SAY HE'S JUST A FRIEND!! Huh huh, I'm pretty cool.
Beavis: [also singing off-key] OH BABY YOOOOUUUUU!!! GOT WHAT I NEEEEEED!!! Amadeus Markie.
Butt-head: What?

Butt-head: Hey Beavis, I'm gonna get me one of those gold chains to put around my neck
Beavis: Me too.
Butt-head: I would look pretty cool, huh?

Björk, Army of Me[edit]

Butt-head: This is that, Bee-ork chick...
Beavis: I heard she has a, you know, like, a schlong.
Butt-head: Where did you hear that?
Beavis: This guy told me.
Butt-head: What guy?
Beavis: This guy in the bathroom.
Butt-head: You mean in the bathroom at school?
Beavis: No, the bathroom right here. Right here in this house.
Butt-head: What are you talking about, Beavis?
Beavis: There's this dude who's in there sometimes. I'm serious. He's probably still there, he was there this morning.
Butt-head: Damn it Beavis. There's no one in there.
Beavis: Yes there is, Butt-head. Go check it out.
Butt-head: Beavis, you're a bunghole. [exits. the sound of a door opening can be heard] Uhh...Beavis, flush the toilet next time! [re-enters] There wasn't anybody in there.
Beavis: Hm. Usually he's in the mirror.
Butt-head: Uhh...does he look like a buttmunch?
Beavis: Um...yeah.
Butt-head: Does he have like blond hair?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, that's him. Yeah.
Butt-head: And does he kinda talk like this? [does a bad impression of Beavis] "Oh yeah, uh huh huh huh."
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Kinda like that. "Yeah, yeah, björk has a dong".
Butt-head: Dumbass.

Björk, Big Time Sensuality[edit]

Beavis: Is that Snoop Doggy Dog?
Butt-head: No, dumbass. That's a chick. She's got his haircut, though.
Beavis: She's a weirdo.
Butt-head: She's like one of those drama club teachers.
Beavis: They're always trying to get you to prance around like some kind of wussy.
Butt-head: Yeah, it's like they say: "Be a tree".
Beavis: "Now be a sad tree, now be a happy tree".

Butt-head: Man, this chick is out of her gourd.
Beavis: She's like completely whacked out.
Butt-head: I can't really blame her, because, like, some of these weird chicks makes tons of money.
Beavis: Really?
Butt-head: Yeah, it's not like they are going around saying: "We need a normal chick to dance on a truck."

Beavis: Butt-head, do you think I could make some like money if I acted like a weird chick.
Butt-head: I think you have to be like from England or something.
Beavis: Dammit.

Butt-head: Whoa, she's grabbing her crotch!
Beavis: Oh yeah. Butt-head, I though chicks didn't have a crotch.
Butt-head: No, dumbass. You're thinking of nads
Beavis: No, I'm thinking of the crotch actually. But, some girls have a crotch? I'll be damned.

Black Crowes, High Head Blues[edit]

Beavis: Whoa, cool! That's just like that spaceship I was telling you about, Butt-head!
Butt-head: Uh, what spaceship?
Beavis: Y'know, that one that landed right outside my window? And then like, these dudes came in the house and like, hypmotized me, and then like, took me into space and stuff. See, check out these marks on my leg. This is where they tried to esperiment on me.
Butt-head: Beavis, that's where you got a gravel burn tryin' to look cool on your bike!
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah, that's right.
Butt-head: And you looked like a dork.
Beavis: Yeah, that wasn't too good, yeah.

Beavis: Whoa! Check it out, Butt-head, they're gonna put him in the oven! AH!
Butt-head: Yeah. They're putting him in the oven 'cause no one likes him anymore.
Beavis: Um, I still kinda like him, but um, but y'know, I think it's cool that they're gonna put him in the oven. Y'know.

Beavis: Who are these little guys?
Butt-head: Uh, I think these are like the Seminiferous Nadclobial Buttnoids?
Beavis: Oh yeah, the Seminiferous Buttcloids from outer space. Yeah, yeah that's what they are.
Butt-head: They're gonna climb inside his mouth and walk down to his wiener!
Beavis: Yeah, this is gonna be cool. Y'know if, um, if those Seminiferous Nadial Globial Buttnoids had to walk down my mouth and like, all the way down to my wiener, that would be a long walk! Know what I'm saying? Y'know?
Butt-head: Yeah. And then they'd probably get lost and come out your bunghole.
Beavis: Yeah, and then I could poop 'em out! Poop!
Butt-head: Remember that time your mom's cat ate all that string? And then for like a week he had, like, poop on a rope.
Beavis: Oh yeah, that was cool! It was like sausage links! That ruled.

Blues Traveler, Run Around[edit]

Beavis: Whoa! Check out that chick's panties!
Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis! Don't talk to me when a chick's panties are on TV. It's like...you mess up my mind, and I can't see the panties right.

Butt-head: Uh...I think this is Blues Traveler.
Beavis: No it's not! Where's that big fat dude?
Butt-head: I think that's him, Beavis. I think he just like, lost a lot of weight.
Beavis: Dammit, that pisses me off! Everybody keeps getting skinny!
Butt-head: Yeah. He looked better when he was a big, fat slob on stage going blblblblblblblblblbl.
Beavis: Yeah. His stomach was hanging over his pants, going blblblblblblblblblbl.
Butt-head: No Beavis! I'm fingering my lips. Blblblblblblblblblbl-big fat dude-blblblblblbl.

Beavis: Remember that cartoon that had that big, fat dude in it and he used to go "Hey Hey Hey!"?
Butt-head: Oh yeah. And then they had that friend with his eyes cut out of his hat and he would go [In wobbling voice] Hey blblblbaby-let's go aroun-blblblblblblblblbl!
Beavis: Yeah. See, they used to have cool cartoons! Cartoons now just suck.

Beavis: I don't think Dorothy was this hot in the movie.
Butt-head: Chicks were all like ugly in olden times...it was like, really messed up.
Beavis: I guess that's why old dudes are like all cranky and stuff. They're like [imitating an old man's voice] "Back in my day, you'd hardly ever get wood watching TV..." [babbles incoherently]

Blur, Chemical World[edit]

Beavis: Whoa, that guy's touching his wiener!!!
Butt-head: So? You are too!
Beavis: Yeah! Oh, oh yeah! But that's different.
Butt-head: What's different about it?
Beavis: Um, it's a different wiener!
Butt-head: Yeah, it's probably bigger too.

Beavis: Whoa, check it out. I-I'd like to try peeing on a snail some time. Tha-that'd be cool, yeah!
Butt-head: You wanna pee on a snail?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, it's like, like, I'd like to pee anywhere outside, but y'know, I just feel like, y'know, peeing on a snail, y'know, ehhh that'd be something different.
Butt-head: Uhhhhh, how 'bout peeing in the toilet?
Beavis: Heh, oh yeah. I haven't done that in a while.

[a goat appears on screen]
Butt-head: Check it out, a wolf.
Beavis: Whoa, really? I'd like to try peeing on a wolf some time, yeah that'd be cool.
Butt-head: Beavis, if you tried to pee on a wolf, he would bite your wiener off!
Beavis: Ohhhh yeah. I'd like to try maybe peeing on one of these guys, some time, y'know like, while they're asleep?
Butt-head: Yeah, you must get tired of peeing on yourself all the time.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. Y'know, when I was like, y'know, talkin' about peeing on those wolves and stuff?
Butt-head: Uh-huh?
Beavis: I wasn't really gonna do it, y'know. It just like, y'know, it like, helps to talk about it.

Blur, Parklife[edit]

Butt-head: This is a happy little tune.
Beavis: Can you change the channel, Butt-head?

Butt-head: Hey, is that that dude who's the host on Family Feud?
Beavis: Oh yeah. Survey SAID!!! Pretty good, huh?
Butt-head: Name the place where I usually kick Beavis.
Beavis: Um, nads?
Butt-head: Survey SAID!!! [imitates buzzer] Buuuuhhhhh!!!! I'm sorry, the correct answer was "ass".
Beavis: Damn it.
Butt-head: And I have to kick you there right now. [smacks Beavis]
Beavis: AAHH! Cut it out, butthole! Family Feud sucks.
Butt-head: Yeah, [scoffs] families.

Phil Daniels: I get up when I want, except on Wednesdays, when I get rudely wakened by the dustmen...
Butt-head: What the hell language is he speaking?
Beavis: I don't know. It's like, I can hear some American words in there, but then, it's like, I can't really tell what he's saying.
Butt-head: Yeah. This must be English. [Beavis utters mock British gibberish] England sucks. You know those asswipes the Beatles? They ruined music!

Butt-head: How come all these dudes have to put an ice cream truck in their video?
Beavis: I don't know. I guess it's like...whoa, whoa, slap him!

Michael Bolton, Everybody's Crazy[edit]

Man in video: Michael, are you crazy?
Butt-head: Uh, Michael who?
Beavis: Michael Jackson?

[the conversation in the video continues]


Beavis: Oh my god, it's Michael Bolton!
Butt-head: No it's not. [embarrased] Uhh...uh oh.
Beavis: What, what?
Butt-head: I think I just pooped in my pants.
Beavis: No way, really?
Butt-head: I realized it was Michael Bolton, and my bowels let loose.

Beavis: Boy, it's like, he's trying to play heavy metal now or something.
Butt-head: He can probably make any kind of music suck.
Beavis: Yeah, it's like, he's probably gonna do gangsta rap next, probably like [does a bad imitation of Michael Bolton] "Droppin' plates on yo ass, bee-otch!"
Butt-head: Yeah. Then he'd put the smackdown.

Beavis: How come chicks like this dude so much?
Butt-head: There's some snakes and bombs in this. Maybe he has a bomb in his pants!
Beavis: Well, you know, um, you have a BM in your pants. So like, maybe you could, like, y'know, go up to a chick and say, uh, "Yeah, I have a bi-em in my pants".
Butt-head: Beavis, I was just kidding. I didn't poop in my pants. Dumbass.

Michael Bolton, How Am I Supposed to Live Without You[edit]

Butt-head: Uh!
[Beavis does a spit take]
Beavis: UUAUGH!!!! AAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Butt-head: UUHH!!!
Beavis: CHANGE IT, BUTT-HEAD!!!!
Butt-head: AUGH!
Beavis: CHANGE IT!!!! COME ON!!!!
Butt-head: Augh!
Beavis: COME ON, BUTT-HEAD, CHANGE IT, CHANGE IT!!!!!!!!!
Butt-head: Come on, Beavis, just check it out.
Beavis: [butting in] CHANGE IT!!! Aah!
Butt-head: I think this is one of those, like, coffee commercials. [singing badly] THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP!
Beavis: "Remember that café in Paris?"
Butt-head: Yeah!
Beavis and Butt-head: "JEAN PIERE!"
Butt-head: This sucks!
Beavis: Yeah really!

Bon Jovi, In These Arms[edit]

Beavis: AAGH!
Butt-head: UUGH!
Beavis: NO!
Butt-head: Check this out! What a wuss!

[seeing Jon Bon Jovi]
Butt-head: Is that Bridget Fonda?
Beavis: Yeah! Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda! My anaconda don't want none unless it's got buns, hun!

Butt-head: "I'm a cowboy".
Beavis: Yeah, "Riding his steel horse, across the great wuss plains!"
Jon Bon Jovi: Baby, I want you!
Beavis: [mockingly] BABY, I WANT YOOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!!! LIKE THE ROSES WANT THE RAIN!!
Butt-head: "Like the roses want the rain"? [pauses] That's stupid!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Hey Butt-head, remember when these guys were cool?
Butt-head: Uhhhhhhhhhhh, no? You probably like these guys! Wuss!
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head, I hate these guys! I was thinkin' of like, somebody else.

Bon Jovi, Something For the Pain[edit]

Butt-head: [scoffing] Bon Jovi.
Beavis: But you know, this song, it's kind of, um...uh...never mind.
Butt-head: Uhh, what?
Beavis: Well, I was just gonna say, you know, this song, I mean...you know, it sucks, but there's this one part that I kinda like where it kinda goes [sings] "Give me something for the pain..."
Butt-head: Uhh, what did you say, Beavis?
Beavis: Well, no, I'm just saying...you know, I kinda like this one part of the song where it goes [sings] "Give me something for the pain..." [Butt-head slaps Beavis multiple times] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Cut it out, bunghole!
Butt-head: I'm doing it for your own good, Beavis. You were starting to like this song.
Beavis: Well, no, I mean, I still think Bon Jovi sucks, but I just kinda think this song, you know, it kind of, um...there's just this one part that kind of, like...[Butt-head repeatedly slaps Beavis again]
Butt-head: If you say one more good thing about Bon Jovi, I'm gonna really smack the bejesus out of you.
Beavis: Okay, so it sucks. But it doesn't suck as much as...[Butt-head repeatedly slaps Beavis again] Cut it out! Damn it, Butt-head! Bon Jovi rules! [kicks Butt-head in the testicles] Bunghole!
Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis!
Beavis: Take that! Yeah, I like this song.
Butt-head: This sucks. And as soon as my nads feel better, I'm gonna beat the living crap outta you. [Beavis kicks him in the testicles again] AAAAHHH!!!
Beavis: You can't tell me what sucks! I like this, so blow it up your ass!

Edie Brickell & New Bohemians, What I Am[edit]

Beavis: [Referring to Edie, who is squatting] She's pinching a loaf.
Butt-head: That's disgusting!

Butt-head: She's married to that short, old guy.
Beavis: Oh yeah. That guy from Africa that used to be in The Beatles.

Edie Brickell: Choke me in the shallow water before I get too deep.
Butt-head: She said "deep."
Edie Brickell: Choke me in the shallow water before I get too deep!
[Butt-head laughs]
Edie Brickell: Choke me in the shallow water before I get too deep!
[Butt-head laughs again]
Edie Brickell: Choke me in the shallow water before I get too...
Butt-head, Edie Brickell: ...deep!
Beavis: This chick is deep.

Edie Brickell: What I am is what I am...
Butt-head: "What I am." Didn't Popeye say that?
Beavis: Yeah! They ripped this off from Popeye.

Paul Broucek, Hollywood Halloween[edit]

Beavis: Whoa, check it out, he has an eyeball in his mouth.
Butt-head: That would be cool if you had, like, an eyeball in your butt. And then you could like, uh-
Beavis: Ah, shut up, Butt-head, you always say stuff like that.
Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna shove your eyeballs up your butt sideways if you ever tell me to shut up again.
Beavis: Heh, oh oh yeah.

Butt-head: Uh, these dudes look too old to be trick or treating.
Beavis: Maybe they were like, um, you know how sometimes the kids' dads gets dressed up too?
Butt-head: Yeah, dads.
Beavis: Or uh, nads.

Butt-head: Remember that time your mom had that Halloween party?
Beavis: Oh yeah. Don't talk about that Butt-head.
Butt-head: Then we went in your mom's room, and that dude dressed up like Colonel Sanders was in there. He didn't have any pants on.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head.
Butt-head: His "drumstick".
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! [starts laughing] Oh yeah yeah. Oh yeah! His drumstick.

[a man in a Spider-Man costume is seen robbing a cash register]
Butt-head: Look, it's Batman.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Anyways, um, whoa cool, cops, yeah! Maybe we'll see some domestic disputes! Or like some excessive force on some perpetrators!
Butt-head: It's about time somebody called the cops. This video sucks.

Julie Brown, Girl Fight Tonight![edit]

Julie Brown: Girl fight tonight!
Beavis: Yeah! Girl fight! Chicks! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Here are some chicks!
Butt-head: Uh...not so fast, Beavis. These aren't chicks. This is like, that beer commercial where those poor dudes come in and it's like, ladies night, and they're dressed up like chicks.
Beavis: Um...no way, really?
Butt-head: Yeah. It's really dumb.
Beavis: No way Butt-head! Um...really?
Butt-head: Yeah.
Beavis: Um...boy, he has pretty nice boobs for a dude.
Butt-head: Um...yeah, I guess so.

Butt-head: [After Julie pulls a switchblade on a girl] Whoa! Check it out, she's got a boner switchblade.
Beavis: Cool! [Girl who got threatened backs against a wall] I'll save you baby, I'll save you! As long as you do it with me. It's like one of those movies where they're kicking ass at a restaurant and a guy says "Your crab style very good, but it no match for my crane style!"
Butt-head: Yeah, except this is a beer commercial.
Beavis: Oh yeah.

Beavis: I like when girls fight, 'cause they're like "She called me a bitch, and I said you're a slut, well we'll go outside and see who the slut is, bitch!"
Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis.

Julie Brown: That's right, you slut!
Beavis: Yeah, you slut!
Julie Brown: I'm gonna rip out your hairs one by one!
Beavis: Yeah, bitch!
[Julie tackles a girl into a kiddie pool of a white substance, the duo are in awe]
Butt-head: They should have done this in the beginning of the video!

The Bubblemen, The Bubblemen Are Coming[edit]

Beavis: Uh, wait a minute, wait a minute...ooh, I've seen these guys before.
Butt-head: No you haven't, Beavis, we've never seen this.
Beavis: Yes I have. AAH!! Like, I've been having nightmares about these guys. What is this??? Come on, Butt-head, change it, this is freaking me out.
Butt-head: Beavis, you wuss.
Beavis: [a Bubbleman stares at the television] AAAHH, LOOK, HE'S LOOKING AT ME!!
Butt-head: How can you be scared of these guys?
Beavis: You don't understand, Butt-head. You haven't seen what these guys do. I have these nightmares, it's like they tie me to a chair, and then it's like, they dance around me and look at me going "Doing doing doing doing doing", and then they get medieval on my ass. [a Bubbleman waves] AAAH, HE'S WAVING AT ME!! And it's like, they're smiling because they know what they're gonna do to me. And you know what else freaks me out? It's like, they have nads on their heads, see? [the Bubblemen dance onto a stage with microphones] See, they're just dancing around now, but pretty soon, they're gonna do it.
Butt-head: Beavis, those aren't nads. Those are like, uh, antennas.
Beavis: Well, how do you know there aren't like, nads inside the antennas? [the Bubblemen are now playing with a beach ball] AAAH NO, NOT THE BEACH BALL!!!! NO!! AAAAAAGGGGGHHH!!! Besides, it's like, I think they use those antennas to receive evil messages.
Butt-head: Beavis, you wussy!
Beavis: Oh good, I think it's over. Ahh.

The Bucketheads, The Bomb[edit]

Butt-head: Uhh...who's this?
Beavis: This is Buk-a-hey!
Butt-head: Uhh, okay.

[the man in the video is seen with two women]

Beavis: Whoa, is this supposed to be a dream?
Butt-head: Uhh...no, this dude really lives like this.
Beavis: Whoa, that's cool.
Butt-head: It's like, if you were scoring with two chicks at the same time in real life, what would you dream about? Cause all I dream about now is scoring.
Beavis: Well, if I was scoring with two chicks at the same time in real life, then I would dream about scoring with three chicks. And if I was scoring with three chicks, I'd dream about scoring with, um...FOUR! Four chicks!
Butt-head: And then if I had five chicks at the same time, I'd just put my face in all their buttcheeks and go blblblblblb.

[a shot of a woman's butt in tight pants is shown]

Butt-head: Whoa! Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked.
Beavis: [quickly] Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked. Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked. Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked.

Built to Spill, In the Morning[edit]

Beavis: Whoa, check it out, he's sleeping with a pig!
Butt-head: Yeah, so what, Beavis?
Beavis: I'm just trying to make conversation! Bunghole!
Butt-head: Well why don't you make it somewhere else, bungwipe?

Beavis: You know what this dude looks like? This dude looks like that chick. That tennis player...Monica Phallus.
Butt-head: How come you know so much about tennis all of a sudden?
Beavis: Um, well you know, I like to watch the Wilbumdon. Oh, and also, there's this chick, and her name is ‘Stiffy.'
Butt-head: Oh yeah, Stiffy Graf.

Beavis: You know, this part right here, this was already in another video. Was it...[sings]...Stand in the place where you live...yeah, that's what this was in!
Butt-head: Uhh...yeah, I think everything in this video was in another video.
Beavis: Oh yeah. It's like everything you see in this video was in another video.
Butt-head: Everything sucks.

Kate Bush, Love and Anger[edit]

Butt-head: Oh no, what is this crap?
Beavis: Yeah, why is she just sitting there?
Butt-head: Yeah. Get up!
Beavis: Just like, just stand up and get out of there.
Butt-head: I wish she would stand up and leave.
Beavis: And I wish the music would stop too.
Butt-head: Yeah. Just because we have to sit through this crap doesn't mean she can too!
[Glitter begins to fall on her]
Beavis: Hey look, Butt-head! They're throwing a bunch of crap on her!
Butt-head: Yeah! And she still won't get up.
Beavis: Maybe she's inside one of those things, you know like when you shake it and there's a snowman in it and stuff comes down?
Butt-head: Oh yeah. I like to break those.
Beavis: Yeah. Me too. I like to break just about anything.

Butt-head: What's all that crap she's holding?
Beavis: I don't know. Maybe they're like tools or something.
Butt-head: ...tools?

Beavis: Hey check out those guys!
Butt-head: Oh yeah. Mr. Bungholio and his twirling fartknockers.
Beavis: Yeah. It's like someone said, "Okay, this sucks. I think it's time to bring out Mr. Bungholio and his twirling buttknockers."
Butt-head: Uh...that's fartknocker, Beavis.

Butt-head: I wish this chick would just quit whining.
Beavis: Um...you know, you could change the channel, Butt-head.
Butt-head: I shouldn't have to do that. She should just shut up. She's the one who sucks.

David Byrne, Angels[edit]

Beavis: [singing] Ever since I was a young boy, I've played the silver ball!

Butt-head: This is what happens when, like, old people try to rap.
Beavis: Hey, didn't this guy, like, already do this song before?
Butt-head: Oh yeah. But he has long hair now.
Beavis: You mean, like, every time you grow your hair long, you have to do all your songs over again?
Butt-head: No. That's not what I said. [raps] And you may ask yourself!
Beavis: And you may spank yourself!
Butt-head: And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile!
Beavis: And you may find yourself, in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife! And you may ask her, "Where's the bathroom at?"

C[edit]

Cage the Elephant, In One Ear[edit]

Butt-Head: Uhh, check it out! An Indian!
Beavis: You know, something I've always wondered about Indians, are they Mexicans?
Butt-Head: Uhh, Beavis?
Beavis: Yeah?
Butt-Head: Remember, you asked that question in Social Studies, and the teacher sent you to the principal's office?
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. And the principal didn't know either!

Butt-Head: Uh, do you know what "Cage the Elephant" means?
Beavis: Oh yeah, like um, choking your chicken?
Butt-Head: Beavis, you think everything means that! But uh, in this case, it does.

[laughing and a shot of a very content face is shown]

Beavis: Whoa! That guy just caged his elephant!

California Raisins, Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer[edit]

Butt-head: What's this? This is pretty cool.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Who are these guys?
Butt-head: They look kinda like turds!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Turds are cool!

Butt-head: Hey Beavis, if turds could talk, what would they say?
Beavis: They'd say: "I don't like being a turd! Being a turd sucks!" It's like, you gotta, like, try to swim in the toilet, and then you like, get flushed down, and then you, go through the pipes, and then you go out to the ocean! And then there's like, sharks and stuff!
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! Turds don't drown. They float!
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah!

[a group of camels are shown]
Butt-head: Whoa! Those giraffes are pretty cool!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! I like the turds better though.
Butt-head: Would you feel bad about flushing a talking turd?
Beavis: No way! I'd say: "Drown you fecal matter!"

Cannibal Corpse, Staring Through the Eyes of the Dead[edit]

Butthead: [immitating the singer's growl] OAAAA! DAAAAUUUUGH! Yeah. It's like, everybody sings like this now.

Beavis: WHoa, look at their hair, Butthead! It reminds me of like those pom poms, at like pep rallies.
Butthead: You go to pep rallies?
Beavis: Yeah. You know, sometimes I go just to check out the butts.

Butthead: If these guys practiced their instruments, as much as they practiced shaking their hair around, they'd be like pretty good, probably.
Beavis: I don't know, they'd probably still suck, probably. But you know maybe that's just me, I don't know.

Carcass, Heartwork[edit]

[the band members have long blonde hair]

Beavis: Whoa, check it out, it's Cousin Itt!
Butt-head: Yeah.
Beavis: [jabbers like Cousin Itt]

[seeing what appears to be two men using a welding torch on a taller man's rectum]

Beavis: Whoa, what are they doing to that guy?
Butt-head: Uhh...maybe they're welding his buttcheeks shut.
Beavis: Um, heh...why would they do that?
Butt-head: Uh...I dunno, I think it would be cool to have a butt without a crack. It's like, instead of having two buttcheeks, you just have one. That would rule.
Beavis: So like, um, how would you take a dump?
Butt-head: Uhh, it's like, you wouldn't have to take a dump anymore. Because like, you know, you'd only have one butt.
Beavis: Really? But, I dunno, I'd kinda miss it.

Butt-head: This buttmunch sounds like Dave Mustaine.
Beavis: Yeah, really. [imitates Dave Mustaine, growls incomprehensible gibberish]
Butt-head: Yeah. What a buttmunch!
Beavis: Whoa look, he just flipped somebody off!
Butt-head: He did?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, that's pretty cool cool.
Butt-head: Uhh, not unless we know who he flipped off.
Beavis: Oh yeah.
Butt-head: [sees a man being crucified] Maybe he flipped off that dude.
Beavis: Yeah, what is that?
Butt-head: Uhh, I think it's like, a gong.
Beavis: Yeah, it's like, you hit him in the nads and he goes [screams] "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
Butt-head: Yeah. Why don't they do that? It might help the song out a little bit.

Johnny Cash, Delia's Gone[edit]

Butt-head: Uh...who is this dude? He looks familiar.
Beavis: Oh yeah! That's um, um, uh, what's his name, uh...Captain Kangaroo!
Butt-head: Captain what?
Beavis: You know, Captain Kangaroo! With Mr. Green Jeans and Magic Drawing Board. You know.

Beavis: Um...what kind of music is this?
Butt-head: Uh...I think this is like some kinda gangsta rap.

Butt-head: I bet this dude scores a lot because like, he wears black.
Beavis: Plus, he's like, old.

Johnny Cash: Kind of evil make me want to grab my submachine.
Beavis: Whoa! This is pretty violent.
Butt-head: Yeah. Enough is enough.
Johnny Cash: First time I shot her...
Butt-head: Whoa! He shouldn't have shot that chick. She's pretty hot.
Beavis: Yeah, really!
Butt-head: I would've taken her off his hands.
Beavis: Yeah, you know what he should have done? He should have fired some warning shots in the air, and that would have scared her away. And then I could score.
Butt-head: I guess if a chick has to choose between dying or like doing it with you, you might actually have a chance of scoring, Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah, I know! That's why I was suggesting it.

David Cassidy, Lyin' To Myself[edit]

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, did you see it when Bonaduce fought Donny Osmond?
Butt-head: Uh... that was on Pay-per-view, Beavis. We don't get that.
Beavis: Yeah, but I saw like, highlights from it later. It was cool. Did you see when Bonaduce fought Geraldo?
Butt-head: Oh yeah! Was that when he like, threw a chair at him and broke his nose?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah yeah!
Butt-head: That would be cool like, if Mrs. Partridge kicked Geraldo's ass.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! And the winner gets to face Bonaduce in the finals.
Butt-head: That would be cool if like, the whole Partridge family kicked Geraldo's ass.
Beavis: Oh yeah! And then like, Tracy could kick him in the nads.
Butt-head: Yeah. She could stick her tambourine up his butt.
Beavis: Or like, Chris could stick a drumstick up his butt.
Butt-head: And then Geraldo would be saying, 'That's no fair, there's two Chris's!'
Beavis: Yeah. [Imitating Michael Buffer] ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?!

Chavez, Break Up Your Band[edit]

Beavis: That dude looks kinda funny.
Butt-head: Yeah. Yeah, he kinda was.
Beavis: What is this, anyways?
Butt-head: Uhh...I dunno, some kind of show.
Beavis: Yeah, this is kinda cool.
Butt-head: Uhh, yeah. I mean, it's like, the music is horrible. But it rules!
Beavis: We should watch this all the time. Yeah, this rules.
Butt-head: I bet you could score with some of those chicks in the audience by just going up to them and saying, "Hey baby. I'm NOT in the band."
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Like, all you'd have to do is say "Yeah, I have nothing to do with these guys. Wanna make out?" That would rule.

Butt-head: You know, it's like, this video's cool. It's got something for everyone. You know, like, whatever you're into, like, if you're into a dude wiggling his butt around, they've got that.
Beavis: Ah, no thanks!
Butt-head: If you're into lions, they've got that.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Or if you're into horrible music, they have that too. Yeah, something for everybody.
Butt-head: Everybody sucks.
Beavis: Yeah, everybody is stupid!

Cheech & Chong, I'm Not Home Right Now[edit]

Butt-head: Whoa! He's just like, walking around in his underwear!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah and he's having popcorn for breakfast, that's pretty cool!

Beavis: Butt-head, you think he has morning wood?
Butt-head: Yeah. He's got a breakfast burrito.
Beavis: Yeah. [[Imitates Mexican accent] And a chimichanga! A chimichanga!

Beavis: Whoa, check it out, Butt-head! How did that dude get all those chicks?
Butt-head: 'Cause, dumbass, his name is Schlong.
Beavis: Oh yeah! Cheech & Schlong. I forgot about that. You know what? Cheech should change his name to Buttcheeks, and then it's like, Buttcheeks & Schlong.
Butt-head: Uh...I don't think you'd get chicks with a name like Buttcheeks, Beavis.
Beavis: Um...oh. That was my nickname when I was a kid--Buttcheeks.
Butt-head: Uh...oh yeah.

Chick, Malibu[edit]

Beavis: Check it out, Butt-head, a whore!
Butt-head: Uh...what makes you think that's a whore, Beavis?
Beavis: I was just, you know, I was just pretending, I guess. I don't know.
Butt-head: Uh...well, if you're gonna do that, why not just pretend, you know, you're doing it with her?
Beavis: Oh, well I was gonna do that. See, I was gonna pretend she was a whore, and then I was gonna pretend I had some money, and then I was gonna pretend I was doing her, see? That's how it works, see? That's what you call a fantasy, bungwipe.

Butt-head: You know what this chick's name is?
Beavis: What?
Butt-head: Her name is Chick.
Beavis: No it's not.
Butt-head: No, I'm serious. I've seen this before. Her name's Chick. That's pretty cool, 'cause you can remember her name, 'cause she's a chick, and her name is Chick.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Maybe I should change my name to "Dude".
Butt-head: Yeah, or maybe you could change it to "Dumbass".

Beavis: She's supposed to be like in high school or something?
Butt-head: Uh...I don't know, she looks pretty old.
Beavis: Yeah, I think you're not allowed to become a whore until you get older.
Butt-head: Uh...you're still pretending she's a whore, Beavis? I thought you'd be pretending you were doing it by now.
Beavis: Well if you would shut up, maybe I would concentrate! Bunghole.

Cinderella, Somebody Save Me[edit]

[two girls are seen from the back running down a hallway]
Butt-head: Uh, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt!
Beavis: [joining in] Butt, butt, butt, butt, butt!
Butt-head: Uh, I think this is gonna be stupid.
Beavis: Yeah! Who the hell is this buttmunch?
Butt-head: Why is this dork here? [mocking the lead singer's expression] "Duuuuuuuhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhhhh!"
Beavis: This is like: "Behind the scenes at a crappy band recording session!"

Beavis: Look at that guy's poodle hair!
Butt-head: These guys probably, like, went to Super Cuts and said: "Could you just, like, make it more poofy?"
Beavis: Yeah, yeah: "But keep the length! We want it, like, poofy on top, and then long and straight on the sides, yeah. That would look really cool!"
Butt-head: So like, did you ask the barber to make your hair poofy too?
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! My hair's like this naturally. That's how come I'm cool.
Butt-head: No wonder you're such a wuss!
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Chicks like it.

Beavis: That guy looks like a cheerleader. Yeah, yeah: "All those years of hard work and practice in the garage, finally pay off when you see the looks on those peoples faces out in the audience!"
Butt-head: These dudes are like: "Look at me, I'm kicking!"
Beavis: "Yeah, yeah, look at me! I'm throwing my guitar around and wiggling my butt, see?! Just like we practiced!"
Butt-head: "Yeah, look at me! I'm shaking my hips and kicking just like we did at practice!"

Beavis: Oh, man! Boy I'm glad that's over.
Butt-head: Yeah. Check it though, they're not stopping.
Tom Keifer: So what do you think, y'think we got a hit with this one?
Butt-head: [mockingly] "So you think we got a hit? Mwuh wuh buh uhhhh."
[the two girls return and run towards the band]
Beavis: Oh, boy.
Butt-head: Uhhhh.
Beavis: [mockingly] Ohhhh, ah ha ha ha ha! Boy, that was funny!
Butt-head: Uh-oh.
Beavis: Eh ha ha ha! Ohhhhh, they went to Bon Jovi! [mock laughter]

Circle Jerks, I Wanna Destroy You[edit]

Beavis: These guys are in a trash can.
Butt-head: Yeah. Somebody probably threw them in the garbage.

Butt-head: Who are these guys?
Beavis: Um...I think it's the Village People.
Butt-head: Uh...oh yeah.
Beavis: Well I'll be hornswoggled and dipped in turds!

Butt-head: This guy keeps saying "I wanna destroy you."
Beavis: Yeah, they got some pretty good lyrics, you know? Seems like it must be pretty hard to come up with stuff like that.
Butt-head: Uh, but you know, I bet if I was making as much money as these guys probably make, I bet I could do it too.
Beavis: Uh... I don't know, Butt-head. I don't know, I mean... you're kinda stupid.
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! I could come up with stuff like this.
Beavis: OK, let's see you write a song. Come on!
Butt-head: Uh... OK. Uh, let's see. Uh...I wanna hit you.
Beavis: Uh-huh.
Butt-head: Then I wanna kick you. Then I wanna smack you across the face. Uh... then I want some nachos... baby.
Beavis: Whoa! That's pretty good, Butt-head! We should start a band.
Butt-head: Yeah!
Beavis: That'd be cool.

CIV, Can't Wait One Minute More[edit]

Beavis: Alright, Montel Williams! Maybe they'll have some whores.
Butt-head: Yeah. Or some sluts!
Beavis: Or a girlfight.
Butt-head: Yeah, or some skank-hos!
Beavis: Yeah...ah, oh no. It's a video.
Butt-head: Uh...
Beavis: ...yeah.
Butt-head: Well, see you later Beavis. [Gets up from couch and walks away]
Beavis: Ah, wait wait wait. Wait just a minute. Just check out. Maybe like, "give it a chance?"
Butt-head: Uh...okay. [sits back down] At least it doesn't look like a video.
Beavis: Yeah, exactly.

Butt-head: Uh...doesn't your mom watch Montel Williams?
Beavis: Yeah, she watches Montel Williams, The Jerry Springer Show, Jane Whitney...she watches all of them. She's always like, "I should be on one of those shows, Beavis!" [makes drunken sound]
Butt-head: Yeah, but like, what would be the topic?
Beavis: Um...I don't know.
Butt-head: It would be like, "I'm a slut and my son's a dumbass." Next on Montel Williams.
Beavis: Yeah, that's a good one, Butt-head! That way, we could both be on it. That would rule!
Butt-head: You dumbass.

The Clash, Should I Stay or Should I Go[edit]

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, who is this?
Butt-head: Uh...I think it's Seinfeld.
Beavis: Really? I didn't know Seinfeld rocked!
Butt-head: Uh...this is like back before he had his show. It's like, you know...Queen Latifah used to do videos and how she has a show?
Beavis: Oh yeah. I like the fat dude on Seinfeld.
Butt-head: I think he replaced the drummer. Remember the episode where they talked about choking their chicken?
Beavis: I thought they talked about not choking their chicken.
Butt-head: Yeah. I like that episode where he can see Elaine's boobs on the Christmas card.
Beavis: No way Butt-head! I couldn't see them!
Butt-head: Yeah, you could see her boobs! TV needs more stuff like that.

Color Me Badd, I Wanna Sex You Up[edit]

Butt-head: This is that group with George Michael, and Kenny G., and Snow.
Beavis: It's a superSUCKgroup!

Comateens, The Late Mistake[edit]

Butt-head: Oh no.
Beavis: Oh God. Here we go again with another crappy suck video.
Butt-head: Here we go again.
Beavis: This sucks!
Butt-head: [Imitating lead singer] UHUHUHUHUHUHUH!

Beavis: Oh God.
Butt-head: What the hell is the problem with this crap?
Beavis: This sucks.
Butt-head: [Sees a note that says Don't try to follow] Yeah, I think that's what that note said.

Beavis: [in time with the song] Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch. Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch.
Butt-head: If those were the words, it'd be cool!
Beavis: I was thinking of writing a song called "Damn it, Son of a bitch!" And it's gonna go something like "Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch/Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch/Son of a BIIIITTTCCCHHHH!/SON OF A BITCH, SON OF A BITTTCCHHH!/Dammit dammit dammit".
Butt-head: That's pretty cool.

[The lead singer hides herself in a coffin]
Butt-head: She sucks so bad, they locked her in a box. You know who else ought to do a concert inside of a box? Nelson.
Beavis: Yeah, Bon Jovi.

[Two men are trying to open a coffin]
Butt-head: How come those guys have to use a crowbar? Nobody nailed it shut!
Beavis: They're using Crowbar?
Butt-head: Yeah. They should get that big fat dude from Crowbar to come into this video and straighten everybody out.
Beavis: Yeah. He'd make them all do push-ups.

Compulsion, Delivery[edit]

Beavis: Um...water! Wa-ter!
Butt-head: Yep, there's some water.

Butt-head: I'm getting sick and tired of these videos where there's like, college dudes, and they're all in the water and you know, being all smartass...
Beavis: Yeah yeah, really.
Butt-head: Uh...maybe we should turn the TV off.
Beavis: Okay, yeah! Let's turn it off. Okay. [Butt-head turns the TV off; the two sigh in relaxation] Um...hmm...so um...how's it going?
Butt-head: Uh...pretty good.
Beavis: So um...so uh...so what did you do today?
Butt-head: Uh...I've been sitting here all day, Beavis.
Beavis: Oh yeah.
Butt-head: Uh...oh boy.
Beavis: Ahh! Okay. So um...you been getting any?
Butt-head: Uh...no.
Beavis: So um...what's on TV?
Butt-head: Uh...I don't know, let's see.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! That's a good idea! [The video comes back on] Oh, cool! A video! Ahh, this is great.

Coolio, Gangsta's Paradise[edit]

Michelle Pfeiffer: You wanna tell me what this is all about?
Butt-head: You wanna tell me what this is all about?
Beavis: The reason I brought you here, is I wanna do you.

Butt-head: Uh...oh yeah. This is from that movie where like, you know, that white chick goes into the hood and teaches everybody how to get good grades.
Beavis: Oh yeah. They always have movies like that where there's this teacher, and there's like all good, and everybody stops being a gangsta and everybody gets good grades and goes to college.
Butt-head: Yeah, and it's like, you know, she "makes a difference" or something.
Beavis: Yeah. That's really stupid.
Butt-head: Yeah. They should like, make a movie that's, you know, realistic...
Beavis: Uh-huh.
Butt-head: ...where the teacher sucks, nobody learns anything, and in the end, it's like you be all stupid.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! That would rule! And then it's like, see, you could have some cars blowing up and stuff, and you could like, show some boobs, and like, a big chase scene, you know...that would rule!

Beavis: You know, a while ago when Coolio said "I see myself in the pistol smoke", he stole that from Snoop Doggy Dogg.

Alice Cooper, Lost in America[edit]

Alice Cooper: I can't get a girl 'cause I ain't got a car.
Butt-head: Yeah!
Beavis: Yeah yeah, really!
Alice: I can't get a car 'cause I ain't got a job.
Beavis: Yeah, really!
Butt-head: Yeah.
Beavis: Me neither.
Butt-head: Me neither.
Alice: I can't get a job 'cause I ain't got a car.
Butt-head: Yeah!
Beavis: Yeah, really.
Butt-head: Life sucks.
Alice: So I'm looking for a girl with a job and a car.
Butt-head: Whoa! Find a girl with a job and a car. That's a good idea.
Beavis: Oh yeah. This guy's really smart!
Butt-head: Yeah. It's like he figures out what his problems are, and then he figures out what to do with it.

Alice: I can't go to school 'cause I ain't got a gun.
Butt-head: Preach on, brother Cooper.
Beavis: Mmhmm, I know that's right.
Alice: I ain't got a gun 'cause I ain't got a job.
Beavis: Mmmhmm, I heard that.
Alice: I ain't got a job 'cause I can't go to school
Butt-head: That sucks.
Alice: So I'm looking for a girl with a gun and a job. And a house, with cable.
Butt-head: He doesn't get cable?
Beavis: What a dumbass. If you don't have cable, you might as well, um...go to school or something.
Butt-head: He can't go to school, remember? He doesn't have a job or a girl or a car or cable.
Beavis: He doesn't have cable? No way. I thought all rock stars had cable and stuff.

Corrosion of Conformity, Clean My Wounds[edit]

Beavis: One Adam Five, One Adam Five, we have a wild man in a cemetery, repeat, a wild man in a cemetery!
Butt-head: Perpetrator was last seen running around like some kind of butt monkey! Please, uhh...apprehend and stuff.
Beavis: And uh, kick his ass! Yeah, kick him in the nads.

Butt-head: All these videos nowadays, it's like, they have this one really weird dude in 'em.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, it's like, all of them have this one really weird guy running around. Except for this video.
Butt-head: Uhh, Beavis, I was talking about this video. They got that dude with the damn tattoo and the bald head.
Beavis: Yeah, but he's not that weird. There's dudes like that everywhere.
Butt-head: I know, and they're all weird.
Beavis: Oh.

Beavis: It's like, everybody knows that, y'know, like, death and, like, the graveyard and all that stuff is pretty cool and everything, but it's like, they need to show it in a new way or something.
Butt-head: Yeah, really. it's like, y'know, it's pretty cool that they decided to do a video in a graveyard, y'know, with like, a little crazy dude running around, but it's like, I've already seen it.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Exactly! It's like, I mean, I don't have all the answers, y'know, it's like I probably couldn't do a better job myself, but y'know, I just gotta say, y'know, frankly, um, uh...it's been done! Heh, heh, Frankly.
Butt-head: Frank.
Beavis: Frank? Oh yeah. Frank.

The Cramps, Ultra Twist[edit]

Narrator: And now, the twisted Madam Olga will teach you a lesson you'll never forget.
Beavis: I think this is Tales From the Crypt! Alright. Sometimes they show boobs.
Butt-head: Uhh, I don't think so, Beavis. I don't see the Crypt Keeper.
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. You know that Crypt Keeper, he's got, like, wrinkled up skin and everything? I always wondered what his nutsack looked like.
Butt-head: You're a prevert, Beavis.
Beavis: Well, you know, it's probably all scary-looking. [imitating the Crypt Keeper] Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!!! Good evening, boys and ghouls!
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis. I'm gonna kick you in the nutsack.
Beavis: Eheheheheh! Naturally! Here's a little tale from my nutsack!
Butt-head: That's enough, Beavis.

Butt-head: Hey, those are like those sunglasses your grandma wears, Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah, it's like, [imitating an old lady] "I'm going out to get some medicine and a carton of smokes. Beavis, honey, go get your grandma her sunglasses, okay?" [coughs]
Butt-head: Yeah. And then you're like, "Get 'em yourself, buttmunch!"
Beavis: Yeah, really. Get 'em yourself!

Beavis: Whoa, Butt-head! Butt-head, look at that up there! You can see something, look!
Butt-head: Yeah. There's a lot of butt wigglin' and butt snappin' and like, people sticking their butts out.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. This is what we need!
Butt-head: And then it's like, this guy's goin' around stickin' his butt out goin': "Jam it in and screw i-uuuuuuuuut! Do the ultra twee-uuuusssssst!"
Beavis: Boy, this is some nasty stuff.
Butt-head: These guys understand the importance of a good butt.

Crowbar, All I Had (I Gave)[edit]

Butt-head: Whoa! This dude looks like that assistant football coach.
Beavis: Yeah. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY, BOY!!!! NOOOOOOOOOWWWW!!!!!"
Butt-head: Yeah. "WHAT KIND OF A MAN ARE YOOOOOUUUUUU?"
Beavis: "YOU LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF GIRLS OUT THERE!!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO OVER THERE AND SHAKE IT OFF AND GIVE UP RIGHT NOW?!"

Butt-head: How many fat dudes are there in this band?
Beavis: Um, uhhhhhhhh, well, there's at least, um, two.
Butt-head: Yeah. They need to get a big, fat drummer.
Beavis: Yeah, really. And like, just a couple big, fat dudes dancing around would be cool too.

Butt-head: He's having trouble defecating.
Kirk Windstein: OOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (OOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!)
Beavis: Uh, not anymore.
Butt-head: He just took a dump!

Crowbar, Existence Is Punishment[edit]

Beavis: Whoa, it's Crowbar!
Butt-head: Oh yeah. They're always taking a dump.

Kirk Windstein: I give my heart and soul to you!
Butt-head: Whoa! He said he gave his heart and soul to some chick.
Beavis: That must have been like...at least 50 pounds of meat.

Butt-head: This music is slow and fat.
Beavis: Yeah. This is the kind of music you have on a workout tape--if you're skinny and you wanna get fat!
Butt-head: Yeah. It's like you put this on, then you like pig out.
Beavis: And then every now and then, you just go "I GIVE MY HEART AND SOUL TO YOU!!!"
Butt-head: Yeah. And then you just sit there and get fat.

Butt-head: I think this is, like, a love song.
Beavis: Yeah. It is a love song so divine.

Butt-head: Did you see that guy?
Beavis: Yeah, really.
Butt-head: Must be his first concert.
Beavis: His mom's waiting outside in the stationwagon.
Butt-head: She said, "Okay, now what time's the concert gonna be over?"
Beavis: What a wuss!

Julee Cruise, Rockin' Back Inside My Heart[edit]

Butt-head: Oh no. Is this The Eurythmics?
Beavis: [laughs] You said, um...you said, uh...eur...uh...you said something...eur...uh, urine?
Butt-head: No, Beavis. I said is this The Eurythmics?
Beavis: Yeah, I know, but it sounds kinda funny because it sounds like eur...uh, sounds kinda urine-y. There's something there.
Butt-head: Shut up.

[Julee is singing from an open trunk]
Beavis: Come on, shut the truck. SHUT IT!
Butt-head: Yeah! This reminds me of that part in Goodfellas where they have that guy in the trunk. That movie was funny.
Beavis: Remember that one part where he goes "What do you mean I'm funny? What do you mean? Funny looking, what are you talking about? Funny, what, am I here to amuse you? Am I hear for your entertainment? What are you talking about? No! You said I was funny!" Pretty good, huh?
Butt-head: Yeah, then that guy wussed out. Remember that time you were doing it to McVicker?
Beavis: That didn't work out to well, Butt-head.
Butt-head: Yeah. You wussed out too.

The Cult, Lil' Devil[edit]

Butt-head: If I ever get my own car, I think I'm gonna get a truck.
Beavis: Yeah, a truck with a big engine that goes "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"
Butt-head: Yeah. And one that's razed up thirty feet above the ground. Then I'd, like, drive around town crushing stuff.
Beavis: Yeah, you could get one with one of those musical horns, and when you beep the horn, it goes, [imitates the Iron Man riff] "Dun-dun-da-dun-dun! Dunna-nana-nana-dun-duh-dun-duh!"
Butt-head: That would be cool.
Beavis: Then all the chicks would go out with you.
Butt-head: If they didn't, we'd like, run over their cars.

The Cure, Caterpillar[edit]

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, I think I saw these guys at Chuck E. Cheese's
Butt-head: Oh yeah! They sucked.
Beavis: I kept banging on the glass and saying "STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!"
Butt-head: Oh yeah, then you got your butt kicked.
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. That was cool.

Butt-head: How come this guy won't look at the camera?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, come on! Look at the camera!
Butt-head: Yeah! That pisses me off.
Beavis: Yeah! It's like, when you try to get a cat to look at itself in the mirror, and it's like, it won't look at itself, it like, looks up and down and everything, you say LOOK AT YOURSELF! LOOK AT YOURSELF! NOW, NOW! And it's like, it just won't do it.

Beavis: (Imitating Robert Smith) Peter Piper picked a pickle of peckled peppers! Peter Piper Picked a pickled pecker!
Butt-head: How come this guy always has to like, sing like, [wails] uhuuuhuuuuuuhhhhhh!

Butt-head: His lipstick's on crooked.
Beavis: Yeah, he didn't do a very good job.

Butt-head: [Wails in imitation again] Uhuuuhuuuuuuhhhhhh!
Beavis: If he didn't do that, it's like, he'd be better.
Butt-head: Yeah. Or like, if he didn't have the makeup and he didn't sing like that, then he'd be pretty cool.
Beavis: Yeah, he can keep the caterpillars too. That'd be pretty cool.

D[edit]

Death, The Philosopher[edit]

Butt-head: Ugh! Is this a joke?
Beavis: Yeah. I think this is supposed to be funny.

[commenting on a small boy running]
Butt-head: Hey, check it out, it's Jeremy.
Beavis: He's still running. How come Jeremy's always hanging out in the woods?
Butt-head: Uh, I don't know.

Beavis: [mocking the singer] YYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Butt-head: I think I saw this dude in Burger World, once.
Beavis: Yeah. [screaming] I'D LIKE TWO TACOS, PLEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSEEE!!!! AND A SMALL ORDER OF FRIIIIIIIEEEESSSSS!!! TO GOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Butt-head: That was pretty good, Beavis. You suck almost as much as this dude.

Butt-head: Look at this guy. Did I mention that this sucks?
Beavis: Yeah, but it's like, you know, it can't hurt to say it again.

Danzig, Cantspeak[edit]

[round, steel balls are shown dropping]
Butt-head: "Plop". "Plop".
Beavis: "Plop, plop!"
Butt-head: This must be, like, some kind of toilet of the future.
Beavis: Yeah, it's like, they use kitty litter.
Butt-head: Yeah, I'm a water man, myself.
Beavis: I like to take a dump in the kitty box sometimes. And then, like, the cat comes and buries it for you.

Beavis: Whoa, this looks pretty cool!
Butt-head: Yeah, "The electrified forcefield has created the perfect being!" In the future, it's like, all turds will be perfectly round.
Beavis: Yeah yeah, and they will go "plop!"

Butt-head: It's like, I haven't seen Danzig on TV in awhile.
Beavis: Yeah yeah, he's been hiding out so that I can't find him and kick his ass.
Butt-head: Yeah, right! I'd like to see you try to kick Danzig's ass!
Beavis: Oh yeah. It'd probably be pretty close now, 'cause like, all that sand stuff down there, that's probably like that "pearl formula weight gain" powder stuff. He's tryin' to like, bulk up for a fight!
Butt-head: You're a butt-monkey, Beavis!
Beavis: Eh, I'm gonna kick his ass, yeah!

Beavis: Whoa, check out his eyes.
Butt-head: Uhhh, you want black eyes like that?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, I think it would be cool!
Butt-head: Okay. [starts smacking Beavis repeatedly]

Beavis: Um, heh, one thing about this video though, that's really cool and everything, but then it just stops! Like, just, out of nowhere.
Butt-head: Uh-[the video ends]

Danzig, Mother[edit]

Beavis: These guys are pretty cool, but, this lead singer looks like Patrick Swayze and he like-
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis, these guys are cool!

Danzig, Mother '93[edit]

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, doesn't this song have another video?
Butt-head: Yeah, this song is so good they had to do it twice.

Butt-head: I heard this dude could bench press, like, 140.
Beavis: Whoa! That's pretty good. Maybe he'll be in the 200 Club someday.

[Danzig shakes around while singing]
Butt-head: Settle down, Danzig! I wonder what this guy does, like, when he's not doing this?
Beavis: I bet he just scores with chicks, and then just, like, fights alot.
Butt-head: Yeah. I wonder who would win in a fight between Danzig, and uhhhhhhhhh....
Beavis: Uh, Geraldo?
Butt-head: No.
Beavis: Um, eh, Danny Bonaduce?
Butt-head: Yeah! Bonaduce would kick ass!

Beavis: What's he doing? He was, like, shaking his hips back and forth like a little wussy.
Butt-head: Yeah. That little dance isn't very cool.

deadmau5 feat. Rob Swire, Ghosts 'n' Stuff[edit]

Butt-head: Uh... is that deadmau5?
Beavis: Oh yeah. He looks like Eminem without his mouse helmet.
Butt-head: Yeah, really.

Beavis: Whoa, check it out. deadmau5 is dead. I'll be damned.
Butt-head: Uh... remember that time that kid at school died?
Beavis: Oh, yeah, yeah. Um, who was that?
Butt-head: Uh...
Beavis: Was it Stewart?
Butt-head: No, Stewart's still alive. We saw him yesterday.
Beavis: Oh, we did? I um, usually don't notice. I know Daria killed herself, I remember that.
Butt-head: Uh... she didn't kill herself, she just moved away.
Beavis: Whoa, really? Wow. You know, that's kinda surprising. I thought she killed herself.

Butt-head: Remember when they set that grief counselor to talk to us right after, uh... whatever his name was died?
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. He was cool. He let us call him Rick.
Butt-head: Yeah, he like turned his chair backwards and rolled up his sleeves.
Beavis: You know, he invited me over to his apartment for spaghetti too.
Butt-head: Uh, that's kinda weird. You didn't go, did you?
Beavis: Um, I don't really remember. Last thing I remember, I got into his van, and um, he gave me some lemonade, and then the next thing I remember, I woke up under a bridge.
Butt-head: Uh... are you just making this up? You never told me about this.
Beavis: See, that's exactly what Rick said would happen if I ever told anybody. He would say I made it up, see?
Butt-head: Uh...
Beavis: He's a smart guy, that Rick.
Butt-head: Uh... okay, Beavis.
Beavis: You know, I think he can see into the future too because he also told me that my butt might hurt for a couple of days. And it did. You see that? Amazing.

Deconstruction, L.A. Song[edit]

Beavis: Well I'll be damned, it's Dave Navarro.
Butt-head: Who?
Beavis: Dave Navarro. See, umh he, uh...he was in another band, but then he quit, and now he's in the Chili Peppers or something.
Butt-head: How do you know?
Beavis: I saw it on MTV News. [imitates the theme music] Pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee...you hear it first. Pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee!
Butt-head: You're a dork, Beavis.

Butt-head: Did you hear it from Kurt Scrotur?
Beavis: No, from Tabitha Sore-End. Get it? Sore end?
Butt-head: I get it, Beavis. You're a dork. [Scoffs] You know the MTV News theme song.

Butt-head: How come the Chili Peppers have new guitar player, like, every couple weeks?
Beavis: Well, I think what happens, is, um, like they join the band, and then Flea is just like kickin' ass, and like dancing and Anthony is getting all the chicks, and then like the guitar player is like, "Screw this".
Butt-head: Did you hear that on MTV News? [imitating MTV News theme music] Do-do-do-do-do!

Rick Dees, Get Naked[edit]

Butt-head: Check it out, he's got a face painted on his stomach.
Beavis: If I was in them, I'd paint a butt on my stomach. And then my bellybutton would be the butthole.
Butt-head: Yeah, but you could just, like, you know, show your real butt, and it would be faster and, like, more realistic. Dumbass.
Beavis: No, no. I don't think you understand what I'm saying. I'd paint the butt on my stomach, see...
Butt-head: Beavis, you're going to have about four buttholes if you don't shut up.
Beavis: It's not my fault if you don't understand, Butt-head! Dumbass!

Del Amitri, Roll To Me[edit]

Beavis: Oh no. This video freaks me out. It's like, you know, I get all excited when I see the chicks, but then I see these stubby dudes, and it, like...makes my testes retract into my globules.
Butt-head: Yeah. It gives me a special feeling in my seminefrious tubules.
Beavis: I wanna do every single girl in this video.
Butt-head: Uhh, you wanna do, like, every girl in every video, Beavis.
Beavis: No. Not really.
Butt-head: Uhh, name one girl in a video that you wouldn't wanna do.
Beavis: Let me think...oh, I know. Um, there's that one video, you know, where they're like, "Been Caught Stealing", and um...there's that one girl and she's, like, you know, stuffing fruit and stuff down her shirt. I don't wanna do her.
Butt-head: Uhh...that's a dude dressed up like a girl, Beavis. That doesn't count.
Beavis: Oh. Uh, let me think..."Wilson Phillips"...uh, no, yes I'd do her...ah, oh, um...no. Boy, maybe you're right. I just wanna make love to all the women of the world.
Butt-head: Me too.

De La Soul, Ego Trippin'[edit]

Pos: Now I'm something like a phenomenon...
Beavis: Phenomenon. Phenomenon, AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! I'm something like a phenomenon.
Butt-head: It's not very cool when you do it, Beavis.

Deus, Suds and Soda[edit]

[a violin that sounds like a siren is used throughout the whole song]

Beavis: Is that the smoke alarm?
Butt-head: Uhh...dammit Beavis, did you burn another burrito?
Beavis: Um...I don't think so.
Butt-head: We need to just take the batteries out of that damn thing.
Beavis: Yeah, but then what if there's a, ah...never mind.

Beavis: Whoa. This is freaking me out.
Butt-head: Yeah. This is weird.
Beavis: I have a sore throat, Butt-head. [coughs] Does it sound scratchy when I talk?
Butt-head: Uhh, yeah, sort of.
Beavis: Really?
Butt-head: Yeah. You're always like, [imitates Beavis] "Yeah, uhuhuhuhuhuhuh."
Beavis: I don't sound like that! [coughs] I'm just gonna be quiet for a while because my throat hurts.
Butt-head: Okay. Good.

Butt-head: You sound really stupid most of the time. You're like [imitates Beavis] "Yeah, yeah, it's pretty cool because...[incoherent gibberish]"
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head, I don't talk like that! I'm not gonna say anything. I'm just gonna be quiet. Ow! [coughs] Ow!

Butt-head: What's that guy patting his stomach for?
Beavis: Maybe he's got like, a hurt rabbit in his shirt, he's like, going "As soon as we're done with this video, I'm gonna let you out, then I'll give you a carrot, we're gonna fix your leg..."
Butt-head: [interrupting] Dammit Beavis, now see, that's what I'm talking about, right there. You're going, [mockingly] "Yeah, maybe it's that rabbit in his stomach, [incoherent gibberish]..."

Butt-head: What the hell is this dude saying? He's like, saying "Fried egg, fried egg, fried egg,"
Beavis: Fried...[coughs]...fried egg, fried, [coughs] fried egg...

Devo, Whip It[edit]

Beavis: Whoa, is that Ross Perot?
Butt-head: Yeah. I think that's Ross Perot from a long time ago.
Beavis: Oh yeah. [imitating Ross Perot] Folks, it's simple. When a problem comes along, you must whip it!
Butt-head: He looks like some sort of bungsnoidial buttsnoid.

Beavis: [singing along] Now whip it!/Into shape!/Shape it up!/Get it straight!/Go forward!/Move ahead!/Try to detect it!/It's not too late!/[starts going out of time with the song]To whip it!/Into shape!/Shape it, uh...[realizes he is singing out of time]...go forward...move ahead, try to detect it...
Butt-head: That sucked, Beavis.
Beavis: Well, at least I tried. You just sit there on your ass and make me do all the work.

Butt-head: Check out those hats.
Beavis: Those are cool. You can stack one inside the other and you can have like all different colors, you know? It's like you can wear one one day and another the other day and like put 'em on your head y'know? And they can like protect you from like harmful rays.
Butt-head: Beavis, you're a damn weirdo.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. I'm not from here, you know.

Dink, Green Mind[edit]

Beavis: Whoa, check out that tornado!
Butt-head: That's not a tornado, that's that Tasmanian Devil dude.
Beavis: Oh yeah, he kicks ass. Did you ever see that time he beat Bugs Bunny upside the head with a shovel?
Butt-head: Yeah. I like the one where they grab Elmer Fudd by the head, and form through a knothole in a fence, and then beat him in the head over and over again with a shovel.
Beavis: Oh yeah. That's kinda harsh, Butt-head.
Butt-head: Yeah. Cartoons are cool.

Dinosaur Jr., Feel the Pain[edit]

Beavis: Alright, golf. Yeah, I'm up for this.
Butt-head: Check this out. [quiet voice] He's teeing off...he's using his woody.
Beavis: [quiet voice] He's trying to get a bunghole in one.
Butt-head: We can see some dork riding a tricycle down the street. He's in the rough.
Beavis: Whoa, look a fight! Yeah, yeah, hit him!
Butt-head: If they had fights in golf, maybe it would be cool.
Beavis: Yeah, then maybe I could watch it.
Butt-head: You watch golf all the time, Beavis.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Golf is cool.

Butt-head: Check this out. [quiet voice] It looks like he's gonna use his nine-iron to smash the big fat dead guy's face in.
Beavis: [quiet voice] That's right, Butt-head. I think what he's planning on doing, is smashing his glasses in, and shoving the nine-iron up his bunghole.
Butt-head: It looks straight...oh, he's in the water! That'll cost him a stroke.
Beavis: That's right, Butt-head. Oh, I don't believe it! He's gonna actually try to, it looks like it's gonna go...
Butt-head: [raises voice to normal volume] You can't do it, Beavis. Shut up.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. You weren't that good.
Butt-head: You're not good at anything.
Beavis: Check this out. [quiet voice] That's right, Butt-head, that's gonna cost him two strokes. He's probably gonna...dammit! Dammit!
Butt-head: See, Beavis, you can't do it. [quiet voice] Beavis is a complete wuss. He's not good at anything. His mom is a slut.

Dinosaur Jr, I Don't Think So[edit]

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, whose trailer is that?
Butt-head: Uhh...it kinda looks like my Uncle Mike's.
Beavis: Really? He has all those butterflies and crap on it?
Butt-head: No, you're thinking of my Grandma's trailer.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Your Grandma's a slut.
Butt-head: I know. So what?

Butt-head: Uhh...is this Sesame Street?
Beavis: Oh yeah, that looks like, uh...Grover.
Butt-head: You probably watch Sesame Street.
Beavis: No. I used to watch it when I was a kid. And sometimes, when Sesame Street on Ice comes to town, sometimes I go check that out.
Butt-head: You wussy!
Beavis: [sings] One of these things is not like the other/One of these things just doesn't, uh, belong...

Beavis: You know the guy that comes out, and he goes "Twelve chocolate cakes", and then he, like, falls on his butt, and the cakes spill all over the place? That was pretty cool.
Butt-head: Oh yeah. That was kinda cool.

Butt-head: Whoa! I've never seen a puppet with hooters like that.
Beavis: Those are some big boobs.
Butt-head: They probably have this chick on the show to teach kids the number 2.
Beavis: I'd say this puppet chick right here is one of the top three muppets that I would do.
Butt-head: Really? Who else would you do, Beavis?
Beavis: Well, Miss Piggy's kinda hot.
Butt-head: That fat pig?
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I like 'em with a little meat on their bones.

Dire Straits, Walk of Life[edit]

Butt-head: CROTCH STUFFING!
Beavis: Let's try that.
Butt-head: Yeah, maybe we would get some.
Beavis: Some what?
Butt-head: Dude.
Beavis: Nice organ lick.
Butt-head: Organ lick?

Butt-head: These guys are hippies.
Beavis: I hate hippies.

Butt-head: These are like sports bleepers.
Beavis: Sports suck!
Butt-head: This is like circus music.
Beavis: Yeah, this sucks!

Dr. Dre, Keep Their Heads Ringin'[edit]

Dr. Dre: Word up, this is Dr. Dre.
Beavis: Yeah yeah, it's Dre! Check it out, it's Dre! Droppin' plates on yo' ass, beotch!
Butt-head: Yeah! The D-R-E, out on a robbin' spree. A straight G.
Beavis: Um, you don't do that very good, Butt-head. It's like this: The D-R-E! A straight G!

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, how come I'm white?
Butt-head: Because your mom's white, dumbass.
Beavis: You know, my mom used to say it doesn't matter what color your skin is. It's like, what color your skin is on the inside that counts.
Butt-head: She's a slut.
Beavis: Oh yeah. She's a cleap slut.

Butt-head: Check it out, the Doctor's stealing a plane.
Beavis: Like, what do you do with a plane once you stole it?.
Butt-head: I guess you, like, go to the flea market or something.
Beavis: Oh really? But then, what do you do when someone says "So, where did you get this plane?"
Butt-head: I'd be like "Well, I got it from the airport." Cause they have a store there.
Beavis: Ah shut up, Butt-head. Keep that up and I'm gonna put the smackdown on yo' ass, beotch!
Butt-head: What did you say, Beavis?
Beavis: I said "Shut up". I'm gonna put the smackdown on yo' ass, beotch!
Butt-head: Beavis, your mom is a depraved worthless slut.
Beavis: Oh, yeah.

Dog Eat Dog, No Front[edit]

Butt-head: Aspen Extreme...
Beavis: That movie sucked! I sat through that whole damn sucky movie for two hours and that chick never got naked!
Butt-head: Yeah. It's a good thing we snuck into that movie, 'cause if we had to pay, I would have been kicking ass all over the place.
Beavis: Yeah, really. How could she not get naked, when they say "ass" right in the title?

Butt-head: Whoa. I didn't know that, like, rap dudes ski.
Beavis: Um, I don't think these are real rap dudes, Butt-head.
Butt-head: Yeah. They thought if they, like, went to a ski resort, that they'd be sure no real rap dudes would find them and beat the crap out of 'em.
Beavis: It's the only place they're safe! They probably, like, sit around the corner, and like, have their, like, big 40 ouncers of hot chocolate.
Butt-head: Yeah. No chicks, no butts.
Beavis: Get me some marshmallows, bee-otch! Change the channel, Butt-head, I've had enough of this.
Butt-head: Okay, I think it's over though.
Beavis: Ohhh, good it's over. [the song doesn't end] No, no.
Butt-head: Uh, now it's over.
Beavis: Oh, okay now it's over. Ahhhhhhhh! Oh no. Damn it! Come on, change it Butt-head, this song's never gonna end!
Butt-head: What a bunch of, buttmunches!

E[edit]

Sheena Easton, Sugar Walls[edit]

Beavis: Who is this chick?
Butt-head: Uh...I don't know. She looks like some chick you'd see hanging out in K-Mart.
Beavis: Um...I think I've seen this chick before.
Butt-head: Yeah. She did Prince.
Beavis: Oh, really? Well, at least that's something.

Butt-head: You know, they don't have to keep showing her face just because she's singing.
Beavis: Yeah, really. Like, move down and show her butt or something.
Butt-head: Yeah!

Butt-head: Look at this stupid stuff she keeps doing with her face.
Beavis: Yeah. This chick is pretty dumb.
Butt-head: Yeah, and she's probably a slut too.

Beavis: Why do you think this chick like, dresses up like a slut?
Butt-head: Prince makes sure that all his women look like sluts.
Beavis: Oh, yeah. That's one thing I like about him.
Butt-head: Yeah. He has a vision.
Beavis: Yeah, me too. Someday, all of the girls in the world will come all onto me.

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes, Kisses Over Babylon[edit]

Beavis: Um, is that Christ?
Butt-Head: Uh, what language is he speaking? Uh, I think it's Mexican.
Beavis: Um, you know Butt-Head, you really shouldn't say that, seriously. Come on. You know better than that.
Butt-Head: Uh, oh yeah. It's Spanish.
Beavis: Wow. So Jesus can speak Spanish? That's uh, that's pretty impressive you know, because it's not easy to learn a second language. Not anybody can do that.
Butt-Head: It is a miracle.
Beavis: Yeah, that Christ is something else. I didn't know he had it in him, you know?
Butt-Head: Yeah. He may look like a bum, but he can do a lot.

Beavis: [as prisoners try to escape prison] Wow, they really hate this song.
Butt-Head: These people would rather get shot than listen to him anymore.

Elastica, Connection[edit]

Beavis: Alright! A chick band. Look at all these naked dudes! They're just like sitting there! What's going on?
Butt-head: Yeah. Look, you can see that one dude's nutsack!
Beavis: Look, a buttcheek! A schlong! A nad!
Butt-head: Those are just hands, Beavis. That's not his nads, his nutsack or his buttcheeks.
Beavis: I don't know. You know, this is kind of messed up. It's like, they have all these dudes there, and like, they don't even think of them like people. They're just there, like they're these things for these chicks to look at and get off on, it's like, it's disgusting! This band should be ashamed of the way they're treating men, and um, and uh, these men shouldn't have the uh, they should not be in this video!
Butt-head: Uh, well...if these chicks asked you to get naked and be in their video, would you do it?
Beavis: Uh, yeah! But that's different; see, but then it would be me, and I'd be naked. That would rule.

Beavis: How come whenever you see a chick band, they're always looking down at their hands when they play?
Butt-head: Maybe they're looking at their boobs; did you ever think of that?
Beavis: Oh yeah. I guess I would look at my boobs too.

Butt-head: Check it out. That drummer dude is surrounded by a bunch of naked dudes.

Butt-head: These chicks are pretty cool. They just have a bunch of naked dudes around so they can use them whenever they need it.
Beavis: Yeah. Some bands have a bunch of water bottles and stuff around so if they get thirsty, but these chicks just like, keep naked dudes. That rules--you know, for a chick.
Butt-head: It's a pretty good idea. You'll probably see a lot more bands doing that now.

Carmen Electra, Everybody Get On Up[edit]

Beavis: Is this a commercial?
Butt-head: Yeah, it's a commercial for MTV's House of Butt.

Electric Sun, The Night The Master Comes[edit]

Butt-head: Uh! This sucks!
Beavis: Yeah! AAAAHHHH! It's like, it sucks!
Butt-head: This is horrible.
Beavis: Yeah, and it sucks too.
Butt-head: Beavis, "sucks" isn't strong enough a word to describe this crap.
Beavis: Yeah, it's like it sucks...a lot.

Eleven, Reach Out[edit]

Beavis: Is this Boy George?!
Butt-head: Yeah. He's all fat now.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! I heard he's like, trying to be manly now, and he's not gonna dress up like a chick anymore.
Butt-head: He's a turd.

Butt-head: You know, he's bisexual.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Um, I know what that means, but just as a test, why don't you tell me what that means?
Butt-head: Beavis, you dumbass, you don't know? It means he has two schlongs!
Beavis: So, like, um...if you had two wieners, how many nads would you have?
Butt-head: Uh...I'd guess you'd have, you know, like three or something.
Beavis: And then, whoa, I just thought of something else! So like, if you have two wieners, you know, if you go to take a leak, you just decide which one you're gonna take a leak out of...or you take a leak out of both of them...you know, sometimes you have a boner! Would you have both of them at the same time?
Butt-head: You should do stand-up comedy, Beavis.
Beavis: Oh really? Thanks, I think so too.

Entombed, Wolverine Blues[edit]

Beavis: Well, I guess I'll go take a leak.
Butt-head: No way, Beavis! I get to take a leak when the video sucks.
Beavis: No way, Butt-head! I got up first!
Butt-head: Yeah, but I have to take a dump. That's more important.
Beavis: No way, Butt-head! I was gonna take a dump too, I was just like, you know, embarrassed.
Butt-head: Well, you snooze, you lose. [leaves the room]
Beavis: Uhh, this sucks. Hey Butt-head...[turns around and sees Butt-head has left] Oh. Um...guess I'll go take a leak. [gets up]
Butt-head: [calling from bathroom] Beavis, stay on the damn couch! [Beavis sits down]
Beavis: [hums] Dun da da dun...da na nun dun...[calls out] Hey Butt-head, are you almost done in there?
Butt-head: Uhh, just a few more minutes.
Beavis: Guess I'll go take a leak. [leaves the room. The sound of a door opening can be heard]
Butt-head: UH!
Beavis: AAHH!!
Butt-head: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BEAVIS?!
Beavis: DAMMIT, BUTT-HEAD!!
Butt-head: NEVER COME INTO THE BATHROOM WHILE I'M TAKING A DUMP!!
Beavis: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU'RE NOT TAKING A DUMP!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Butt-head: I JUST HAVEN'T STARTED YET, GET OUTTA HERE, BEAVIS!!
Beavis: YOU'RE JUST HANGING OUT IN HERE!!
Butt-head: DAMMIT, BEAVIS!! GO BACK AND WATCH THE DAMN VIDEO, AND LIKE, SAY STUFF!!

Maggie Estep, Hey Baby[edit]

Maggie Estep: Hey baby, yo baby, hey baby, yo baby...
Butt-head: This chick doesn't sing very good.
Beavis: Yeah. She should like, um, just talk or something.
Maggie Estep: [Begins talking] So I'm walking down the street, minding my own business...
Beavis: Okay. That's better.
Butt-head: Is she like, telling a joke?
Beavis: Oh yeah, I think it is. Why don't you shut up so we can hear it?
Butt-head: Beavis...

Maggie Estep: I get all tense and nervous...
Beavis: Uh huh.
Maggie Estep: ...but I keep walking...
Beavis: Ah! Uh huh.
Maggie Estep: ...but the guy, he's dogging my every move.
Beavis: Yeah, that'd piss me off too.
Maggie Estep: Hey Miss, he says, don't miss this! [A man grabs his crotch; Beavis and Butt-head laugh]
Butt-head: Now that's a good joke.
Beavis: Yeah, it's like, that chick was talking about all this stuff, and then that guy grabs his wiener! I'm gonna have to tell that one to my Uncle Mike.
Butt-head: Yeah, he'd get it.

Beavis: Whoa, that chick is all over him! Check it out.
Butt-head: Yeah, it's like, he was minding his own business, trying to grab his wiener...
Beavis: I heard that.
Butt-head: ...and then she just came up and got in his face!
Beavis: Yeah, it's like, he was just trying to grab his wiener, you know!
Butt-head: Uh huh.
Beavis: And she just jumped on him! That never happens to me! I grab my wiener all the time. I'm gonna grab my wiener right now.
Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, do that outside.

The Europeans, We Are Animals[edit]

[Beavis and Butt-head scream once the video starts]
Butt-head: Oh my God.
Beavis: Oh, dear Lord!
Butt-head: This sucks.
Beavis: AAAH! Good God Almighty!

Butt-head: This sucks more than anything I've ever seen
Beavis: Yeah, this sucks, like...like lots and lots.
Butt-head: Let me count the ways in which this sucks. Uh...one?
Beavis: Two...
Butt-head: Uh...four?
Beavis: Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten...thirteen?
Butt-head: Uh...seven? Oh wait, we already counted that one.
Beavis: Yeah, but if it happened again, that means it sucks again.
Butt-head: Oh yeah! Um...eleventeen...
Butt-head: Uh...what comes after eleventeen again?
Beavis: Um...thirteen. [Resumes counting] Uh...fifteen...

Beavis: [Sees two men fighting] Hit him! Hit him! Pull his hair!
Butt-head: Cool!
Beavis: Maybe we should like...take some points off because that was pretty cool.
Butt-head: No way, Beavis! Just because something's cool doesn't mean something else doesn't suck.
Beavis: What?
Butt-head: [yelling] I SAID JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING'S COOL DOESN'T MEAN SOMETHING ELSE DOESN'T SUCK!!!
Beavis: Um...what?
Butt-head: NEVER MIND, BUTTMUNCH!!!

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, why are we watching this?
Butt-head: Uhh...I dunno.

Extreme, Hole-Hearted[edit]

Butt-head: Uhh, alright!
Beavis: What?
Butt-head: Uhh, alright! This is kinda cool.
Beavis: Really? Yeah, I guess so.
Butt-head: Yeah, you know, it’s kinda groovy. Kinda has a nice little thing, you know? Kinda makes me feel good.
Beavis: Yeah, I guess so. I see what you’re saying. It’s kinda...[hums the melody] Yeah, this is really cool.
Butt-head: Uhh, Beavis, I was just kidding. [laughs] Dumbass.
Beavis: I know. Shut up, Butt-head!
Butt-head: You really like this crap.
Beavis: No I don’t, Butt-head, I was just kidding!
Butt-head: What a wuss!
Beavis: Butt-head...stop it! I hate everything about it! I hate this. I hate it! Shut up!

Beavis: You know what'd be cool, is if it just started pouring rain right now.
Butt-head: Yeah. Or maybe there'd be, like, a sudden hailstorm
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Or a turd storm!
Butt-head: There's no such thing as a turd storm, Beavis.
Beavis: This is a video, Butt-head! They could have anything they want! And I wanna see a turd storm!
Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis. And I thought I told you to quit talking about turds all the time.

F[edit]

Donald Fagen, Snowbound[edit]

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, change it, come on, this sucks.
Butt-head: Uh, let's just cool out for a minute, Beavis.
Beavis: Ummmmmmmmmm.......

Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, this video sucks.
Butt-head: Uh, it sucks now, but like, there's something cool later.
Beavis: Really?
Butt-head: Yeah, just cool out.
Beavis: Come on Butt-head, this sucks, what happens?
Butt-head: Uh, it's like it sucks and sucks, and then it's like, it's over. It's really cool.
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. I can hardly wait 'til it's over! This is gonna be cool!
[They begin to fall asleep]
Butt-head: [slaps Beavis] Wake up, butthole, you're gonna miss the cool part!
Beavis: Oh! Oh, thanks! So like, um, is it over yet?
Butt-head: Uh, here it comes! Yes! Yes!
Beavis: Yeah!
Butt-head: Cool!
Beavis: Yeah! It's over! Yeah, that was cool!

Faith No More, Diggin' the Grave[edit]

Butt-head: Uhhhhhh. I'm tired.
Beavis: Hey Butt-head, you know who these guys are?
Butt-head: No, and I don't care, either.
Beavis: This is Faith No More.
Butt-head: [sarcastic] Yeah, right. Faith No More.
Beavis: No, I'm serious. See, they have a new sound, and a new look.
Butt-head: They just look and sound like everything else.
Beavis: I don't know, it kinda rocks.

Butt-head: I wanna lay down. Move over!
Beavis: No way! I'm gonna sit right here and watch this.
Butt-head: Come on, Beavis, get up!
Beavis: No way, Butt-head! I always sit here.
Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna give you ten seconds to get up.
Beavis: I've been sitting here for years, and you've been sitting there, and it's like, why change now?
Butt-head: Come on, Beavis! Besides, it's like, you always sit too close to me.
Beavis: No way! If I move over any more, then there's a spring that goes up my bunghole.

Butt-head: Hey Beavis, my uncle was over here, and he left a six-foot poop in the toilet, and he didn't flush.
Beavis: Really?
Butt-head: You should check it out.
Beavis: Is it still there?
Butt-head: Yeah.
Beavis: Let me go have a look. [exits. Butt-head lies down on the couch.]

Faith No More, Easy[edit]

Mike Patton: I know it sounds funny but I just can't stand the pain...
Burt-head: That doesn't sound funny.

Beavis: [referring to a man dressed in women's clothing] That chick's pretty hot.
Butt-head: Yeah.
Beavis: Ooooaaah.
Butt-head: They must have just did it and now she's like, fixing herself up.
Beavis: Yeah, heh heh. After I do it I like to y'know like, comb my hair and then like, y'know, then like, flush the toilet and stuff.
[The camera cuts back to them, and Beavis is combing his hair.]
Butt-head: Uh huh huh! You monkeyspank.

Mike Patton: I'm easy like Sunday morning...
Butt-head: What's so great about Sunday morning?
Beavis: Yeah. Sunday morning sucks.
Butt-head: Yeah. Afternoon is no picnic either.
Beavis: You know what really sucks is evening.
Butt-head: Yeah. In fact, the whole day sucks.
Beavis: Yeah. Every single day sucks.

Fatima Mansions, The Loyaliser[edit]

Beavis: Well, I guess I'm gonna read a magazine. [picks up a magazine]
Butt-head: Uhh...you don't know how to read, Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah I do, I can sorta read. And um, besides, there's like lots of pictures of cleavage in the back. Do you mind if I just read this magazine for a while?
Butt-head: I don't give a rat's ass what you do, Beavis.
Beavis: Ah boy. Yep. This magazine's pretty cool. Whoa, check it out. Wow. Whoa! Something else.
Butt-head: Uhh, I'm not gonna ask you what you're looking at, Beavis. So quit trying.
Beavis: Heh. I'll be damned. Whoa, check it out. This is that dude from Love Boat. Look. He looks all old. It's like, he has a dog. And I think that's his son. That's great. What is this we're watching, Butt-head?
Butt-head: Uhh, nothing. Do you have any other magazines?
Beavis: Ah, no. Just this one.
Butt-head: Can I read it when you're done?
Beavis: No. No you can't. This is mine. It's for me. It's for me to read.
Butt-head: Beavis...
Beavis: Whoa, this guy was working construction, and he had like, this big pole like, shoved through his butt, it came out the other end, and it's like, he's still alive. And he has a gigantic bunghole now.
Butt-head: Where'd you get that, Beavis?
Beavis: I got it in the dentist's office. They're like, just there. They're free, you can just take them.
Butt-head: Boy, I'm bored. Where is that dentist's office, Beavis?
Beavis: You know where it is, it's over by Maxi-Mart.
Butt-head: Oh yeah. I'm gonna go get a magazine.

Filter, Hey Man, Nice Shot[edit]

Beavis: Oh no. Just look at this crap. It's, like, another one of those videos where you don't even remember it right after you saw it.
Butt-head: You can't remember any videos right after you saw 'em, Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah I can. That's how I know this is one of those videos.

Butt-head: I'm getting tired of seeing all these videos where it's all out of focus and it's all blurry and blobby and a bunch of art crap.
Beavis: Yeah, really.
Butt-head: Art sucks.
Beavis: Yeah, it's all like...you know there's all this stuff, and there's like, all these colours...
Butt-head: Yeah. It's all, uhh...[the pair fall asleep]

[the instrumentation shifts in dynamics, focusing more on distorted guitars]

Butt-head: Uhh!
Beavis: Ahh! What was that? Damn it, now it's rocking.
Butt-head: Damn it. Now all of a sudden, this video has to go and be cool right when I'm trying to get some damn sleep.
Beavis: Yeah, really. If they're gonna rock and kick ass, at least it should happen while we're awake.
Butt-head: It still has all this blurry crap.
Beavis: Well, um, at least the music is in focus.
Butt-head: Uhh...oh yeah.

Butt-head: I think this is a buzz clip.
Beavis: You know, um, I always thought, y'know, like, a buzz clip, like, was where, um...y'know, like, they had something in the um...um...you know, where they, uh...[the pair resume sleeping]

[the video ends]

Beavis: [yells] HEY MAN NICE SHOT!!!
Butt-head: [disorientated] Uhuhhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh!!

The Flaming Lips, She Don't Use Jelly[edit]

Wayne Coyne: She'll make you breakfast/She'll make you toast...
Beavis: He knows a chick who makes toast? So what?
Butt-head: Yeah. I can make toast.

Butt-head: Uh-oh. I think this is college music.
Beavis: Yeah. You can tell because that dude has orange hair. You can also tell it's college music because it's like...they're in a field.
Butt-head: Yeah. Fields suck!

Butt-head: How come he keeps singing about these people that he knows? Who gives a rat's ass?
Beavis: Yeah. [sings off-key] I KNOW A GUY!!! HIS HAIR IS ORANGE!!! HE SUCKS!!

The Flaming Lips, Turn It On[edit]

Beavis: We oughta try, like, picking up a chick in the laundromat.
Butt-head: Uhh, why?
Beavis: Because, like, you could look at their underwear and say, "So, I bet that underwear was on your butt." You know what I mean?
Butt-head: That's pretty cool. Or you could go up to one, and say "So I see you wear underwear. I wear underwear too. Wanna do it?"
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, that's even better! And then you can say "Since you're already doing a load...", heh, load..."Since you're doing a load, why don't you do my underwear too?" And then you can, like, pull down your pants, and then you already have your pants off. So you're already halfway there.
Butt-head: And then your underwear would be in there with her's.
Beavis: I'm ready for love.

John Fogerty, Old Man Down the Road[edit]

Beavis: Hey, check it out, that looks like that Jungle Ride.
Butt-head: Oh yeah. That's so stupid. You get in there and then there's that guy with that safari hat on and stuff.
Beavis: When I used to go on that thing, I used to just like, jump off the boat and wade around in the water, and go off into the bushes and sit there by myself. And then I'd stand up and pull down my pants and go "Poopapoo!"

Beavis: You know, another cool ride to jump off of is the Haunted House. I used to like, go in there, and jump off the car. Then I'd go over by the witches and wait 'til the next car comes, and then I'd put a broom up my butt and go "Poopapoo!".
Butt-head: Beavis, witches don't put brooms up their butt, they put 'em between their legs.
Beavis: Really? I wish someone had told me that before I ruptured my sphincter. I have a splinter in my bunghole the size of a pencil.
Butt-head: Uhh...you're just joking, right?
Beavis: Um...no.

Foo Fighters, I'll Stick Around[edit]

Butt-head: Hey, that's that dude from Nirvana.
Beavis: Butt-head, I don't think that dude's with us anymore. You shouldn't say that.
Butt-head: I'm talking about the drummer, dumbass.
Beavis: I've never seen that drummer before in my life. That's not him.
Butt-head: No, buttmuch! I'm talking about the drummer from Nirvana is playing guitar here.

Beavis: These are nice colors. They're all orangey and pretty and stuff.
Butt-head: Uhh, Beavis...do you, like, swing on that side now?
Beavis: Do I swing? No, I haven't...I haven't been to the swing since I was, like, eight years old. I don't even think we have a swingset anymore. What are you talking about?
Butt-head: Uhh, never mind, Beavis. Dumbass.

Beavis: Why are all these dudes dressed up in white?
Butt-head: Uhh, I think it's like, they all drive ice-cream trucks.
Beavis: Yeah, that would be cool. Y'know, Like, if instead of that dorky music the ice-cream truck plays, if they played this.
Butt-head: Yeah. And then they'd take the ice-cream and throw it at you and scream.
Beavis: Yeah! And then you just, like drive the ice-cream truck across your lawn and just tear ass, and be like "I DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING, BWAAA!!!" That would rule!

Samantha Fox, Naughty Girls (Need Love Too)[edit]

Butt-head: Whoa! She's one of those grubby girls.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah!
Butt-head: She wants me.
Beavis: Me too.

Samantha Fox: Sex was something I just had...
Butt-head: Whoa! She just had sex?
Beavis: Yeah!
Butt-head: Why don't they show that?
Beavis: Yeah! She said she just had sex.
Butt-head: It wasn't with any of those guys.

Butt-head: If this video had some explosions, it would be the coolest video ever.
Beavis: Yeah, and like, if the music was cool too.
Butt-head: Oh yeah. And they'd have to have some like, better singing.
Beavis: Yeah, and not those guys.
Butt-head: Yeah. Then it would rule.

G[edit]

Georgia Satellites, Keep Your Hands to Yourself[edit]

Butt-head: That lead singer, he's cool. He reminds me of my cousin.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Which one?
Butt-head: Uhh, you know...Richard Head?

Debbie Gibson, Out of the Blue[edit]

Butt-head: Check this out.
Beavis: Yeah. Olivia Newton-John sucks!
Butt-head: That's not Olivia Neuter John, that's that rich chick from 902...6...1.
Beavis: Oh yeah, Donna.
Butt-head: That's not Donna! Donna's the slut. This is Kelly.
Beavis: No way, dude! Donna's not a slut. She's a virgin. Kelly's the slut.
Butt-head: Does she look like a slut to you, Beavis?
Beavis: Yeah, that's why it's Donna!
Butt-head: But you just said Donna's not a slut.
Beavis: Oh yeah. That must be Kelly.

Girlschool, Play Dirty[edit]

Beavis: Um...is this Alice Cooper?
Butt-head: Uh...this is a chick, Beavis. This is an all-chick band.
Beavis: Oh yeah. You couldn't put Alice Cooper in an all-chick band anyway, because like, all the chicks would just be all over him.
Butt-head: Yeah. It would be the same way if I was in an all-chick band.
Beavis: Yeah. Same for like me, or something.

Beavis: Whoa! That chick would punch.
Butt-head: Uh...I think that was a dude, Beavis.
Beavis: No way, Butt-head! That's a chick! It's one of those girl boxers. That's cool, they can kick ass. They get in the ring and bitchslap each other.
Butt-head: Beavis, that's not a chick, that's a dude.
Beavis: No it's not! You said it's an all girl band. It's like they get an all girl band, they get a boxer. [The boxer is punched to the ground] Whoa! Look at the nads on that boxer.
Butt-head: Beavis, chicks don't have nads. How many times to I have to tell you that?
Beavis: I know that, Butt-head! I just thought, you know, maybe they like, put them on because she was fighting. Like, clip-on nads?
Butt-head: You're a damn weirdo, Beavis. And you're stupid too.
Beavis: Shut up!
Butt-head: And chicks don't like you.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Some chicks like me!

The Go-Go's, The Whole World Lost It's Head[edit]

Beavis: [Sees a woman's bare feet dangling over a road]] AAH! No! Don't stub your toe! That scares me, Butt-head. It's like, you're hanging your feet off the end of the car, and then, [shows feet agian] AAH! There it is again!
Butt-head: Settle down, dumbass.
Beavis: That's dangerous! It's like, she's letting her feet hang down, and like, it's gonna accidentally hit the asphalt, and then it's like "Ow!"
Butt-head: So what, Beavis?
Beavis: It's like...I want their feet to look nice, you know?
Butt-head: Really?
Beavis: Yeah, it's like, I like it when chicks have nice feet, y'know. [Sees feet again] KEEP YOUR FEET UP, COME ON! Then you can like...put your hands on 'em.
Butt-head: Uh...okay, Beavis. I think you oughta just shut up.
Beavis: [Sees feet again] FEET! FEET! OW!

Beavis: Dammit, it's like...they keep showing naked feet and hands, and it's like...they need to show the rest.
Butt-head: You have to wait, Beavis. They like to, you know...show a little bit at a time.
Beavis: Okay, okay, I can wait. [sings along] Has the whole world lost its head...[Sees feet again] AAH, NO! YOU'RE GONNA STUB YOUR TOE! DAMMIT, I WANNA SEE A BOOB NOW!
Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, shut up!

Godspeed, Houston St.[edit]

Butt-head: Whoa, this looks like that Cops show.
Beavis: Yeah, really, it's like [imitates static] KSSHH!! One Adam Five, One Adam Five, we have a female caucasian chick standing in the road acting like a dumb ass. We're going to need back up, come on.
Butt-head: Ah, Roger, One Adam Five. Strip her down naked and bring her to me.
Beavis: That's a 10-4, good buddy. [speaks incomprehensible gibberish] Come on.
Butt-head: That's pretty cool, Beavis. You could be a cop.
Beavis: I think it's like, in my blood because I heard my dad was, like, in the navy or something.

Beavis: This is, like, one of those dudes that's like really intense all the time, like, he wears earrings and stuff, and like, sometimes he's pretty cool, but sometimes you just like, go, "Settle down, dammit!".
Butt-head: Yeah. Guys like this, like, they always come into Burger World telling you why meat's bad for you, and stuff. But it's like, I always tell 'em, "If meat's bad for you, then how come it's food?"
Beavis: Yeah, really. See, that's a good point.
Butt-head: Then I tell 'em to get the hell out of my restaurant.

Butt-head: This looks like that dude from, uhhh, from that movie, Smell of a Woman.
Beavis: Oh yeah.
Butt-head: You know, he was, like, blind and stuff.
Beavis: Yeah, and he's like, "Hoowah! Hoowah! Hoowah!" He's a good actor.

Goo Goo Dolls, Only One[edit]

Butt-head: So if you were on a desert island, and you could only bring three things, what would you bring?
Beavis: Well, let me think. I'd bring some crackers, so I'd have something to eat. And then I'd bring a swimsuit, so I could go swimming. And I'd bring some Cheez Whiz to put on the crackers.
Butt-head: That would be cool.

Beavis: So what would you bring, Butt-head? You know, if you were on a desert island?
Butt-head: I'd bring three chicks. Then I'd have a massage-a-thra.
Beavis: You know, I wanna do mine over again. I wanna bring three chicks too.
Butt-head: Beavis, you can't do it over again, you already blew it. I'll be scoring with three chicks while you'll be eating crackers and choking your chicken.
Beavis: No way, really? Dammit!

The Goops, Booze Cabana[edit]

Beavis: Whoa, look at that shoe! Look, high heels!
Butt-head: Yeah. That must mean there's a chick.
Beavis: Or Todd Rundgren.
Butt-head: Who?
Beavis: Todd Rundgren.
Butt-head: Who the hell is he, Beavis?
Beavis: You don't know who Todd Rundgren is?
Butt-head: Uh, no. And you don't either.
Beavis: Um...oh yeah.

Butt-head: Uh...he's drinking.
Beavis: I can hardly wait 'till I get older and like, get a job and stuff so I can drink.
Butt-head: Yeah. I plan on doing some smoking too.

Butt-head: Hey, that's that street where Madonna wanted to have her baby.
Beavis: So what?
Butt-head: Well, then you think of something to say, bunghole! At least I'm trying.
Beavis: Okay, I will think of something to say. Schlong. Poop. Anything's better than that.

[a woman grows to an enormous size]
Butt-head: Whoa! Check it out!
Beavis: She must have been drinking milk, because she's getting bigger, see?
Butt-head: Yeah. And her boobs got bigger too.
Beavis: Whoa, hey, that just gave me an idea! You know what would be cool, is if they could make me big, then shrink me again, but keep my wiener the same size! That would rule, because then I'd have this gigantic schlong!
Butt-head: Uhh, yeah. But, like, if they could really do that, then you could just have them just make your wiener bigger.
Beavis: No no, Butt-head. I'm saying they make me bigger, see then because my wiener would get bigger, then shrink me, and keep my wiener the same size.
Butt-head: Dammit Beavis! What are you talking about? Who are "they?" And who cares anyway? Just shut up!
Beavis: Well...I thought it was a pretty good idea.

Grant Lee Buffalo, Mockingbirds[edit]

Butt-head: Is this another video with big Muppets?
Beavis: Yeah. Yeah, here we go. Seems like they have these, like, big bird things in every video now.
Butt-head: Yeah.
Beavis: I was just thinking, you know, you ever notice, um...Big Bird? He never poops.
Butt-head: Uh, yeah.
Beavis: Yeah, it's like, they should have him poop. Then it'd be more realistic.
Butt-head: [laughs] Then Big Bird could have a big turd.
Beavis: [laughs] Oh yeah, that's pretty good, Butt-head!
Butt-head: I'm pretty funny.

Beavis: You know, if I was a big bird, I'd fly around in the sky and stuff, and then, like, fly over people and poop on their lunch. I'd be like [imitates dive-bomber] "Nyaaaaaaaaanyaaaaa-poop!-nyaaaaaaaanyaaaaa-poop!"
Butt-head: That would be cool.
Beavis: Yeah, that would rule. Actually, y'know I probably could do that without being a bird. It's like, I could go into the cafeteria, and just like stand up on the table, y'know, and pull down my pants and like, go around while people are eating their lunch and just go "Poop!"
Butt-head: Okay, settle down, Beavis.
Beavis: And run over there and go "Poop!" A little "Poop!" over there.
Butt-head: That's enough.
Beavis: It's chicken-fried steak! Poop!

The Grays, Very Best Years[edit]

Butt-head: Uhh...this is kinda irritating.
Beavis: Hehe, yeah. I bet this is one of those songs that, like, it sucks right now, but then later on it starts rocking.
Butt-head: Uhh, how do you know?
Beavis: Cause, that one guy's got a goatee.
Butt-head: Uhh, oh. Well, let's see. [the chorus starts, but it doesn't start rocking] Uuuuhhhh!!! Is that what you're talking about, Beavis?
Beavis: What's going on?
Butt-head: What the hell is going on here?
Beavis: Yeah, what...what is this??
Butt-head: [imitates an arpeggio in the song] Dududududududuh-daaaaaaaaahhh!!!

Butt-head: This is like that easy listening stuff.
Beavis: Oh yeah. How come they call that easy listening, when it's like, it's really hard to listen to? It makes me sick!

Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, you promised that this would start rocking!
Beavis: I didn't promise, Butt-head, I said maybe it would start rocking!
Butt-head: Well, maybe I'm gonna smack you upside the head, dumbass.
Beavis: Well, I'm gonna kick your ass, I promise. Butthole.

[the chorus starts again]

Butt-head: [[sings in imitation again] Uhh...dududududududuh-daaaahhh!!! How come these guys suck so much?
Beavis: Yeah. They dress up like they're gonna rock, but then they just suck!
Butt-head: Yeah. These guys are like a cross between Stone Temple Pilots and...
Beavis: Yeah, and my nads...
Butt-head: Nelson, and...
Beavis: And my butt...
Butt-head: Billy Joel, and like, uhh...
Beavis: And some turds...
Butt-head: Eddie Rabbitt...

Green Day, Basket Case[edit]

Butt-head: This looks like that movie, One Flew In the Cuckoo's Nest.
Beavis: Oh yeah, where they got those guys from Taxi, only they're retarded.
Butt-head: Uhh, you know, I heard you're not supposed to call them retarded. You're supposed to call them...uhh, mentally superior or something.
Beavis: Oh yeah.

Beavis: Remember that big Indian dude in that movie?
Butt-head: Mm-hm.
Beavis: He was cool. And then he couldn't talk unless he was talking about gum.
Butt-head: Uhh, I think you're not supposed to call them Indian either.
Beavis: No way, really?
Butt-head: Yeah. You're supposed to call them African American.

Butt-head: This reminds me of that joke, where the guy goes to the psychiatrist's office, and he goes "Doctor, my wife thinks she's a chicken". And then the doctor says "Then why don't you choke her?"
Beavis: Oh yeah. [imitates chicken] Bawk-ba-bawk!

Green Day, Longview[edit]

Beavis: Check it out, he's watching TV.
Butt-head: Yeah! And it's like, we're watching TV, so it's like, we're watching two TVs for the price of one.
Beavis: Um ... what two TVs? I don't understand.
Butt-head: Beavis, we're watching TV, and then there's another TV in the TV.
Beavis: Oh. There's like a TV inside the TV? Let's break it open and find it! Yeah!
Butt-head: Boy, Beavis. You're stupid.
Beavis: Well, well...okay.

Butt-head: Look at his mouth.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. It's all encrustulated with grobiels of feces.
Butt-head: See what I mean, Beavis? You got like, some problem of something.
Beavis: Yeah well, your, uh... your mom, you uh, your mom ... yeah.

Beavis: Oh, look at the monkey! You know what they should do? They should like, break that couch. They should like, just rip it up. Like, break it.
Butt-head: Uh ... yeah.
Billie Joe Armstrong begins stabbing the couch]
Beavis: Yeah, like that!
Butt-head: Yeah!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! BREAK IT! RIP IT!
Butt-head: Break it!
Beavis: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
Butt-head: Yes!
Beavis: GET IN THERE
Butt-head: Kick it! Kick the couch!
Beavis: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! No, no no, don't stop!
Butt-head: Don't stop!
Beavis: Don't stop, dammit!
Butt-head: Quitters never win!

Greta, Fathom[edit]

[various images flash rapidly on the screen]
Beavis: Whoa, is this Faces of Death 3?!
Butt-head: Uhhh, no, it's just a video. Butthole.

Beavis: Hey, how come this guy's wearing a dress?
Butt-head: Because he's doing his laundry, dumbass.
Beavis: Oh, really?

Beavis: Yeah, yeah! BUT MMMEEEEEEEEEEEE-AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Butt-head: That sucked, Beavis.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head, it was cool!

Beavis: Whoa, a toilet! Cool!
Butt-head: Yeah. Toilets are cool. They figured, like, since this song was getting wimpy right there, they'd like, just, throw a toilet out.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! I think it helped. I-I wonder if there's a turd inside it?
Butt-head: That's a good question, Beavis. I wondered that myself.

[one of the band members jumps around and falls over]
Butt-head: That guy fell over.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! He's gonna get kicked out of the band.
Butt-head: Yeah. That dude in the dress doesn't put up with that crap.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. "You stand up straight, play your guitar, and SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!"

[images of explosions and car crashes are shown]
Butt-head: Yes!
Beavis: Whoa, whoa, look, look! Eeh, yeah, yeah, car accidents! Yeah!
Butt-head: That was cool! Uh...
Beavis: Uh, laundry! Yeah.
Butt-head: Yeah!

Greta, Is It What You Wanted[edit]

Beavis: Hey, who is this?!
Butt-head: Uh, this is Greta. And this time, he's gone too far!
Beavis: Whoa, look at that wiener!
Butt-head: Yeah! Greta's got quite a unit on him!
Beavis: Yeah! [laughing] He probably has to wear a dress, 'cause like, he can't fit his unit inside a normal pair of pants! It's like, he tries to put his pants on, and it just goes "Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!"

Beavis: You know one cool thing about having a big wiener, it's like, it's like, it protects your nads, you know?
Butt-head: Uh...
Beavis: It's like, it acts as a shield.
Butt-head: I guess. But getting kicked in the wiener is no picnic either, Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah, but it doesn't hurt as bad, Butt-head. Trust me. Here, I'll demonstrate.
[Beavis kicks Butt-head in the groin, causing Butt-head to cry out in pain]
Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ass!
Beavis: Oh, I forgot! You have a small wiener!
Butt-head: Ugh [coughs].
Beavis: You don't have any "nad protection"! Yeah, that was cool!
Butt-head: [coughing] Beavis, as soon as my nads feel better, I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you. Buttknocker!
Beavis: Butt-head. I'm gonna kick you in the nads again! Don't call me that!
Butt-head: You wussy....

Grim Reaper, Fear No Evil[edit]

[both are laughing]

Beavis: It's this again.
Butt-head: Whoa! Check it out.
Beavis: Oh wow, it's Grim Reaper again. Whoa, look at that big boat.
Butt-head: These videos are funny.
Beavis: Oh yeah.
Butt-head: These guys should be on that show The State.
Beavis: Yeah. Because they suck.

[the band members are using a giant battering ram to break down a door]

Beavis: Whoa, what is that thing?
Butt-head: It's like, these guys suck so bad, they have to go to their concerts in these armoured vehicles.
Beavis: You know, that singer, um, he looks a little better in this video, it's like, he doesn't look as ugly as, uh...never mind.
Butt-head: Yeah. It's too bad he's not good looking like me.

[commenting on a wolfman with huge claws]

Butt-head: Uhh...I think that's supposed to be Wolverine.
Beavis: That's not Wolverine. No, that's not Wolverine.
Butt-head: I know, but like, you know, in England they probably, like, draw him different, because they're dumb.
Beavis: No. That's not Wolverine.
Butt-head: Yeah it is, but he's just like, you know, a little different than the American Wolverine.
Beavis: That is not Wolverine, Butt-head.
Butt-head: Okay, okay, buttmunch, it's not Wolverine! Who cares? Now just shut the hell up so at least I can have a good time watching this crap!
Beavis: Well, how can you have a good time, if it's not really Wolverine, and you think it is...
Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, shut up!

Grim Reaper, Rock You to Hell[edit]

[laughter can be heard]

Butt-head: [without emotion] Ha ha ha ha ha.
Beavis: Ha ha ha ha. [sees the band] AAAHHH!! OH NO, IS THIS GRIM REAPER?! OH, GOD! OH, DAMMIT!
[The lead singer rises up from laying down]
Butt-head: UH!
Beavis: AAH! What was that? Was that a bulldog?
Butt-head: I think it was a Shih Tzu.
Beavis: Yeah. [In Cornholio accent] A Shih Tzu! Doggie poo!

Butt-head: You know, maybe if they put more suck bands in prison, people would like, you know, try to stay out of prison.
Beavis: Maybe it would have a, um...positive, um, effect on, um, generations of the youth.
Butt-head: Beavis, quit trying to sound smart.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Um...actually, um...I think they all should just get the chair. Including Grim Reaper.

Butt-head: He's got a fat little face.
Beavis: Yeah. He's got a fat bloated face that you get when you eat too many urinal mints.
Butt-head: Uh...what are you talking about, Beavis?
Beavis: You know, those round things that are there, you know, so you can freshen up after you take a leak.
Butt-head: Beavis, you're not supposed to eat those!
Beavis: Oh yeah. I know, I was just kidding.
Butt-head: Dumbass!

Grim Reaper, See You in Hell[edit]

Butt-head: Is this Spinal Tap?
Beavis: Yeah, Tap is cool!
Butt-head: This isn't Spinal Tap! This sucks!
Beavis: Yeah, this sucks!

Butt-head: Where'd these guys get their clothes?
Beavis: I think they bought them at that rock and roll store at the mall.

Beavis: Didn't these guys play at the state fair last year?
Butt-head: Yeah. They won a blue ribbon in the pig contest.
Beavis: Eh heh heh, yeah, heh heh. Because he's fat!

Beavis: AAAAAAAHHHHH! Shut up! Shut up!
Butt-head: Yeah. Shut up!
Beavis: You suck!
Butt-head: Stop in the name of all that which does not suck!

GWAR, Jack the World[edit]

Butt-head: This is what it's all about.
Beavis: It's like, you watch all these videos, you watch TV, everything sucks, and then something like this comes on, and it's like, it's cool!

Beavis: It's like, you have to watch TV for hours and hours and hours before you see this video, but it's like, when you do it's all worth it.
Butt-head: It sure is. You know what they should do? They should, like, tell you what time the video's like in TV Guide or something.
Beavis: That would be cool. But then it's like, you'd still have to like, watch for hours and hours and hours until it came on.
Butt-head: No you wouldn't, Beavis! It's like, if they say it's gonna be on like, at eleven o'clock or something, then like, you know when it's gonna be on.
Beavis: Yeah, but like, if it's like, six o'clock, then it's like, you have to keep watching it, because it's not on.
Butt-head: Uhh...oh yeah. Well, at least you what time it's on, though.
Beavis: So, how do you know what time it is?
Butt-head: Uhh, I dunno. I guess you'd have to keep watching until the video came on. Then it's like, you'd know what time it is.

GWAR, Saddam a Go-Go[edit]

Beavis: Yes, yes, GWAAAARRRR!!! Yeah, alright!
Butt-head: Cool!
Beavis: Whoa, GWAR has horns now?
Butt-head: Yeah, they taught the sex slaves to play horns. It's like Balsac told 'em - "Throwing blood and urine in the audience isn't enough. You guys need to learn how to play something".

Butt-head: I heard that one time, this kid had a seizure at a GWAR concert, and that singer dude told everybody not to help him.
Beavis: Really? Uh oh, it's happening...[convulses as if he was having a seizure]
Butt-head: I'm not gonna help you. Oderus Urungus would want it that way.
Beavis: Thanks, Butt-head.

Beavis: Whoa, check it out. [sings along] He died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died...[Butt-head smacks him] OOOOWWWWW!!!! Oh, thanks, Butt-head. I was stuck.

Beavis: Um...whoa, cool! Look at that giant worm thing!
Butt-head: It's like, it eats really hot chicks, and then it takes a dump.
Beavis: Now that's a damn good show right there. [mock-Arabic accent] Yeah, yeah, yeah, they shall drown in their own blood!
Butt-head: [also imitating an Arabic accent] The streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers.
Beavis: The mother of all wars has begun!

H[edit]

Nina Hagen, Herman Was His Name[edit]

Beavis: Who is this?
Butt-head: Uh...is this that Toyota Jackson chick?
Beavis: Yeah, it's like...it's Toyota Jackson dressed up like Wonder Woman.
Butt-head: Oh yeah. [reacting to video] ...Oh no.
Beavis: Yeah. No! NO!

Hall & Oates, Jingle Bell Rock[edit]

[John Oates is carrying a stack of presents which cover his face]
Butt-head: Who could that be?
[Daryl Hall takes some of the presents]
Beavis: Whoa, it's Geraldo!

[A group of people arrive at Hall & Oates' home and are let in. Three other people are left outside]
Butt-head: Uh-oh, don't let Primus in.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, they'll trash the place. They'll BREAK stuff!
Butt-head: Yeah. My name is Mud!
Beavis: Yeah, MY NAME IS MUD! M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-MUD-MUD! And then he'd SPIT!

Sam Harris, Over the Rainbow[edit]

Butt-head: He's smiling at you.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!

Beavis: Oh god.
Butt-head: Look at his face.
Beavis: Look at that crack in his chin.
Butt-head: I think it's a buttcrack.
Beavis: Well I guess that would make sense, since like, there's just a bunch of diarrhea coming out of his mouth.
Butt-head: Yeah. It's like when God was passing out buttcracks, this guy got in line twice.
Beavis: Yeah. And then God gave him one too, you know, the second time.

[Sam Harris starts belting]

Beavis: [drinks soda, does a spit take] AAAAHH!!! NO NO NO STOP IT! STOP IT! NO! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! CUT IT OUT! STOP IT! PLEASE SHUT UP! CHANGE THE CHANNEL BUTT-HEAD, RIGHT NOW!!! COME ON!!!
Butt-head: No way. [turns the volume up to full on the television]
Beavis: COME ON, NO, CUT IT OUT, BUTT-HEAD!!! GIMME THAT!!! STOP IT BUTT-HEAD! STOP!
Butt-head: This is cool.
Beavis: NO! YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK!!! NO! NOOOOO!!! SHUT UP RIGHT NOW, OR I'LL KICK YOUR BUTTCRACK FACE IN!!!
Butt-head: You dumbass.
Beavis: [screams unintelligibly]
Butt-head: That sucked, Beavis.

PJ Harvey, 50-Foot Queenie[edit]

Beavis: Check it out, Butt-head! It's Mallory, that chick from Family Ties.
Butt-head: Yeah. This is really noisy.
Beavis: Yeah. Noise is cool.

Butt-head: This chick is weird.
Beavis: This chick's mouth is crooked.
Butt-head: I wonder why.
Beavis: Yeah. Why is it crooked?
Butt-head: Uh... I don't know.

Butt-head: Beavis, the name of this song is ‘50 Foot Queenie.'
Beavis: Yeah, I'd like a 50 foot queenie.
Butt-head: I'd like a 50 foot weenie.

PJ Harvey, Down by the Water[edit]

Butt-head: This chick's got kinda, like, a big mouth.
Beavis: Yeah, really. And her nose is kinda big too.
Butt-head: And you know what they say about having a big nose.
Beavis: Oh yeah. She's probably got a big schlong too.
Butt-head: Yeah. Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing.
Beavis: You can't really do that, Butt-head. So don't even try.
Butt-head: I'm pretty good at smacking you upside the head, though.

Juliana Hatfield, What A Life[edit]

Beavis: Woah, check it out, someone's getting on a chair, Butt-head. Maybe there's gonna be a hanging.
Butt-head: Uh...it's just someone standing on a chair, Beavis. You automatically think someone's gonna hang themself?
Beavis: Uh, yeah, I guess I'm just uh...WOAH! I just saw a boob, Butt-head. Check it out!
Butt-head: You always think you're seeing a boob like that, it's probably just an elbow or something.
Beavis: No way Butt-head, it was a boob.
Butt-head: Well so what, you only saw it for like a second or something, what's so great about that?
Beavis: Um, a second is better than nothing.
Butt-head: No it isn't. It sucks.
Beavis: Damnit Butt-head, why do you always have to tear down everything good in my life!?
Butt-head: 'Cause your life sucks, Beavis. Your life sucks and nobody likes you.
Beavis: Really? Heh, I don't really give a crap.
Butt-head: [half laughing] You don't have any friends.
Beavis: I have a special little friend. Boi-oi-oing.
Butt-head: Yeah, shut up Beavis. Your special friend probably hates you too.
Beavis: No way Butt-head, you wish.

Beavis: Aah, she's got blood in her eyes! Ew, this is freaky, Butt-head, I don't wanna watch this. C'mon, change it.
Butt-head: Beavis, you're a wuss.
Beavis: Damnit, someone should help her. They should just like, stop having the video and just like, go help her. She's all beat up. I like....feel all sorry for her and stuff. Kinda freaking me out.

Max Headroom, Merry Christmas Santa Claus[edit]

Max: There's an, old man on a sleigh! Who's like-k-k-k me for just one day!
Beavis: Is it Sting?
Butt-head: No way, Beavis. Sting sucks! This guy's cool!

Max: So here's a little gift, a song to him, from me! Merry-merry-merry-merry-merry Christmas Santa Claus!
Butt-head: This dude stutters!
Beavis: Yeah, that's cool!

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, Santa Claus looks like one of those biker dudes!
Butt-head: Yeah, except he's got that sled and that dorky outfit.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. How does Santa Claus get those reindeer to fly?
Butt-head: Because he beats the crap out of them with a whip!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Maybe he's pretty cool!

Helium, Pat's Trick[edit]

Beavis: What is that?
Butt-head: It's a hoe.
Beavis: Yeah, I know, but what's that thing she's dragging behind her? [Butt-head laughs] Why is that funny?
Butt-head: Because, Beavis, you thought when I said a hoe, that thought I was talking about the chick. But I was talking about the hoe.
Beavis: Okay, but why is that funny?
Butt-head: Dammit Beavis! Because, like, when a word means two things like that, it's pretty funny.
Beavis: I'll be damned. I didn't know that.
Butt-head: You know, it's like, choking your chicken could be, like, if you had a pet chicken, and you were choking it. [as in literally asphyxiating a chicken] Or it could mean, like, you're choking your chicken. [as in masturbation]
Beavis: [laughing] Oh yeah. That's funny! Choking your chicken, that's pretty funny. I get that one. Okay, I got one - masturbating! [laughs]
Butt-head: Uhh, that doesn't work, Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah it does! I do it all the time!

Butt-head: This chick has small nostrils.
Beavis: I think anybody's nostrils would look small to you, Butt-head. You look like a cow.
Butt-head: Well, I may have big nostrils, but you know what that means.
Beavis: Oh yeah. It means you have lots of loogie.
Butt-head: Okay, Beavis. You'll be thinking about loogies and I'll be slapping around my gigantic schlong.

Helium, XXX[edit]

Beavis: Hey Butt-head. I think the TV's on slow. Fix it.
Butt-head: Beavis, you can't put the TV on slow. You're thinking of the VCR or something.

Butt-head: I think this chick just like, woke up or something.
Beavis: She probably doesn't start rocking until later like in the afternoon or something.
Butt-head: She probably rocks it around 4, and has a late lunch, and then she goes to the mall.
Beavis: She goes shopping for a new nightie, and then she takes a nap, and then she rocks until 3 or 4 in the morning, and then she sleeps 'till noon.
Butt-head: Yeah. Musicians rule.

Butt-head: Check it out! Her guitar's broken.
Beavis: Oh yeah. They should like, break more guitars.
Butt-head: Uh...yeah!
Beavis: They should break that escalator too. That would rule.

[The lead singer is destroying an overhead projector]
Beavis: Yeah, stomp on it! Kick it!
Butt-head: Yeah! I hate those things.
Beavis: Yeah. Everytime someone brings one of those into class, I just like, stick my hand on it and flip everybody off.

[A bandmember resembles Jim Carrey]
Butt-head: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective!

Butt-head: Check it out, she's horny. Chicks get that look when like, I talk to them and stuff.
Beavis: Yeah, and then they just leave.

Helmet, Unsung[edit]

Beavis: That drummer looks like a regular guy.
Butt-head: Yeah. If you saw him on the street, you wouldn't even know he was cool.

Helmet, Wilma's Rainbow[edit]

Beavis: What's happening to this dude's face?
Butt-head: Uhh, I think he's like, changing expressions and stuff.
Beavis: Really? That's dumb.
Butt-head: It's like, you really only need, like, three expressions or something. Like one expression for when you're trying to pick up on a chick.
Beavis: When I'm trying to pick up on a chick, I usually look like this. [Beavis' face is in his neutral expression]
Butt-head: Yeah. I usually use this expression. [Butt-head grimaces] And then, like, you need an expression for when you're lying.
Beavis: I usually use this one when I'm lying. [Beavis' face is once again in neutral] And then you have and expression for when, like, you're taking a dump.
Butt-head: This one usually works for me. [Butt-head grimaces]
Beavis: I usually use this one. [Beavis' face is once again in neutral]
Butt-head: That's a pretty good one, Beavis.

Hole, Violet[edit]

Butt-head: [The screen says Violet] Uh...violence?
Beavis: Yeah, alright! I like it when they tell you beforehand that there's gonna be some violence, so you can make sure you don't, like, go to the bathroom or anything.

Butt-head: Check it out! Hole!
Beavis: Oh yeah! Who are these guys, Butt-head?
Butt-head: Uh...this is Hole, Beavis. Who did you think I was talking about?
Beavis: Oh! I thought you were talking about her bunghole.
Butt-head: You dumbass.
Beavis: Yeah. Hole!

Butt-head: So like, the sign at the beginning said "violence", and the band's name is Hole, and it's like, we aren't seeing any violence or any hole.
Beavis: Yeah, really! That sucks!
Butt-head: Yeah. They need to like, show a big, violent butthole.
Beavis: I'll show you my butthole if you want. [Butt-head slaps Beavis across both sides of his face] Ow!

Beavis: You know, I heard this Hole chick is a slut.
Butt-head: Really?
Beavis: Yeah, I think it'd be cool if like, we got together and like, we could like spaz out and stuff, and then we could like, do it.
Butt-head: Beavis, the only way you could score is if she was like, the biggest slut in the world.
Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! [Beavis' eyes widen] YEAH!

Butt-head: You know who Hole looks like in this video? She looks like that Tori Spelling chick.
Beavis: Yeah, but Hole looks a lot hotter than Tori Spelling.
Butt-head: What kind of a name is Hole anyways?
Beavis: Yeah, I mean, if you're gonna name your daughter Hole, at least name her like, Bunghole or something.
Butt-head: It could be like, you know, that joke where the father names her after the first thing he sees when she's born.
Beavis: Yeah, but then why would he, um...oh yeah!

Hum, Stars[edit]

Butt-head: [moans]
Beavis: Um, hey Butt-head, is it normal for the inside of your bunghole to itch?
[The song appears to end]
Butt-head: Whoa! Is this video over?
Beavis: Um, yeah! Yeah, it's over!
Butt-head: Well that was pretty cool. I mean it sucked but at least it was short! They should make 'em all this short!
Beavis: Yeah, really! Then you wouldn't have to listen to 'em as much. What else is on?

I[edit]

Infectious Grooves, Three Headed Mind Pollution[edit]

[Beavis is sitting on the couch by himself while Butt-head is in the bathroom]
Beavis: Hey Butt-head! BUTT-HEAD, BUTT-HEAD!
Butt-head: What? WHAT?!
Beavis: Come here, quick! [to himself] This is cool. Butt-head, come here, quick!
Butt-head: Uh! [he flushes the toilet and rushes over to the couch] What?
Beavis: Cool! Check this out Butt-head, this is cool!
Butt-head: Uhhhhhh, is there a naked chick?
Beavis: No, but check it out, this is cool!
Butt-head: It is?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Oh wait, check it out!
Butt-head: Beavis, what are you talkin' about?
Beavis: Well check it out, see, see?! This guy has a like, one of those dog things on his neck! That's cool! Yeah! Then check this out, check this out, this guy's about to stab this guy, see, he's got a spear! He's chasin' him, YEAH, YEAH, GET HIM, GET HIM, GET HIM! YES, YES!
Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis.
Beavis: This is so cool! Yes, yes!
Butt-head: You got me out of the bathroom to see a dog collar?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! It's pretty cool, huh? Yeah.
Butt-head: What's wrong with you, Beavis?
Beavis: Ummm, I don't know!

Beavis: Whoa! Cool! This RULES! It rules! Yeah, YES! Yeah! Hey Butt-head, now check this out, see, check it out, this guy's chasin' him, STAB HIM, STAB HIM! Yeah.
Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis! You're not supposed to get me out of the bathroom unless it's like a naked chick or something.
Beavis: Yeah, but even like, if this video really does suck, I bet you forgot to wipe!
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis!

Infectious Grooves, Violent and Funky[edit]

Beavis: Those squares remind me of that game all those stupid dorks play...um, chest.
Beavis: Yeah. It doesn't even have anything to do with boobs.

Mike Muir: ...but a .357 gonna blow your damn head off!
Beavis: Hey Butt-head, what's a 357?
Butt-head: Uh...that's like when someone turns all the way around in a circle when they're like slam-dunking or something.

Butt-head: If I was a clown, I'd make it so like my head would explode when you pull my finger, and all this crap would like fly out of my head and land on other people and stuff.
Beavis: Yeah. If I was a clown, I'd go to all the parties, and like eat all the cake, and take stuff home with me.
Butt-head: That's what you do at parties anyway, Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah, but then I'd be a clown, so I'd like have all these big shoes and stuff, so it'd be different.
Butt-head: If I was a clown, I'd kick your ass, Beavis, until it's beet red and I'd say, [Clown-like voice] "Look, kiddies! Look at his butt!"
Beavis: Yeah, and then I'd say, "Thanks for coming to the show. Hope you had a good time. See you next time."
Butt-head: Yeah. That would be cool.

Chris Isaak, Somebody's Crying[edit]

Butt-head: Did you know that in California, any chick will do it with you?
Beavis: Really? You mean, like, all the girls are SLUTS?
Butt-head: Yep.
Beavis: Whoa, that is cool! Yeah, yeah, let's go!
Butt-head: You know, another thing about California, is that all the dudes there looks like Kato Kaelin.
Beavis: He seems like a great guy, you know?
Butt-head: Yeah. That's how come, you know, everyone just lets him live at their house, like OJ Simpson. He goes "You know, you're a great guy. Why don't you come on over and stay a while?"
Beavis: I'd let him crash here because, like, he's such a great guy.
Butt-head: Yeah. What a great guy.
Beavis: Except he kinda looks like the ass end of a dolphin.
Butt-head: Yeah, he does, sort of. But that's okay. Because he's cool.

J[edit]

Janet Jackson, You Want This[edit]

Janet Jackson: Shanna, will you hurry up and get your funky butt off the bed?
Beavis: Did you hear that? She just called her monkey butt!
Butt-head: Yeah. That was pretty cool!

Beavis: I'm getting kinda sick of Janet Jackson.
Butt-head: Yeah. She always has a bunch of chicks sitting around and talking before the video.

Beavis: That's a pretty nice hotel.
Butt-head: Yeah. When you're, like, rich and famous, you can stay in those really nice hotels where they have adult videos and hourly rates and stuff like that.
Beavis: How come hotels have hourly rates anyway?
Butt-head: 'Cause, dumbass, it only takes, like, an hour to do it.
Beavis: Wow. A whole hour?
Butt-head: A whole whore.
Beavis: Yeah, a whole whore.
Butt-head: You can get on the phone and be like "Uhh, room service? I'd like some bacon, and a couple Cokes, and a bunch of whores..."
Beavis: Yeah yeah! "And a side order of POOP!"
Butt-head: Uh, what did you say, Beavis?
Beavis: Oh, I was just saying, "And a side order of POOP!"
Butt-head: Oh boy. Beavis, you just sent my boner into the ground.
Beavis: Um, oh. Sorry about that. I just, you know...I don't know, I thought it was pretty cool. [muttering to himself] A side order of poop? To go with the whores?
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis.

Butt-head: Excuse me, are those Bunghole Boys you're wearing?
Beavis: [laughs] Bunghole Boys.

Janet Jackson: Could you handle this?
Butt-head: Could you handle this, Beavis?
Beavis: Yeah, since I can handle this, I can probably handle that!

[Beavis is humping the couch]
Butt-head: Ugh! What are you doing, Beavis?
Beavis: Doin' my monkey boy.
Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, get down!
Beavis: I am gettin' down! Rat-a-tat-tat-d'atass...

James, Say Something[edit]

Butt-head: Uh...is this another one of those damn '80s suck videos?
Beavis: Oh yeah! Oh yeah, it's from that album The Classics of Suck.

[The band is in gorilla costumes]
Beavis: Hey Butt-head, those aren't real gorillas.
Butt-head: Yeah. They had to get fake ones, 'cause like, they knew real ones wouldn't listen to this crap. You know what animal would listen to this crap? Is a cow.
Beavis: Yeah. Cows can listen to this crap, because they have like...they have like, um, six stomachs.
Butt-head: I bet you can get a cow to listen to like, Warrant.

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, who is this buttknocker anyways?
Butt-head: Uh...this is James.
Beavis: James who?
Butt-head: His parents asked him not to use their last name, because like, he sucks.
Beavis: His parents said "Son, we know you suck, and that's OK, but could you just not use our name?"
Butt-head: Yeah. And then they hugged him.
Beavis: Yeah. What a wuss!

James, Rick, Super Freak[edit]

Butt-head: Whoa! It's hammer time!

Beavis: I can't touch this!
Butt-head: I can't watch this! [changes channel]

Jawbox, Savory[edit]

[three birthday cakes are seen floating over a bed]
Beavis: Whoa, heh, she's like, seeing things! How does she do that?
Butt-head: Uh, here I'll show you, Beavis. This might hurt a little. [smacks Beavis]
Beavis: AH!!! AHH, heh, AH! Whoa! Um, heh, uh, I don't think that worked, Butt-head. Try it again!
Butt-head: Uh, okay! [smacks Beavis again]

Beavis: Whenever I go to birthday parties, I like to just, like, tear open presents and break stuff, and just run around and go: "RAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"
Butt-head: Beavis, you've never been invited to a party in your life!
Beavis: Yeah I did, remember at Stewart's party? We were, like, playing hide and seek, and I like, [laughing] climbed in the dryer, and took a poop!
Butt-head: Yeah! I bet his mom was surprised to find that present!

[the girl in the video is given an axe]
Butt-head: These are cool presents!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. That dude's pretty cool for an old guy!
Butt-head: Yeah. She didn't even thank him!
Beavis: Yeah, if someone gave me an axe like that, I'd say: "Thank you, sir! That's a very nice axe. That was very nice of you!"
[the girl opens up a present containing a dead, stuffed dog]
Butt-head: Yeah, the dead dog was nice too.
Beavis: Whoa! Hey, don't look, Butt-head, that was what I was gonna get you for your birthday!
Butt-head: Uh, that would be cool.
Beavis: Now I'm gonna hafta get you what I got Stewart.
Butt-head: Beavis.
Beavis: When I was makin' one for Stewart, I made one for you too!
Butt-head: Beavis, I hope you've got insurance, because I'm about to kick your ass.

The Jesus and Mary Chain, Come On[edit]

Butt-head: I think this is The Jesus and Mary Chain.
Beavis: Quit cursing, Butt-head.
Butt-head: I'm not! That's the name of the band, Beavis!
Beavis: Why would anybody name their band that?! It means like...everytime you like...say the name of the band, you're like, um, doing one of those, um...sins?
Butt-head: Yeah. They're gonna spend an eternity in Hell.

Billy Joel, Uptown Girl[edit]

Butt-head: Oh man! What is this?
Beavis: Yeah! This guy really sucks, and I'm not just saying that either!
Butt-head: Where's he going with that magazine?
Beavis: He's going into the bathroom, and he's taking those guys with him.

Beavis: [Singing off-key] SING US A SONG, YOU'RE THE PIANO MAN!

Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, Dang[edit]

Beavis: All right! A video! Yeah!
Butt-head: I like music videos.
Beavis: Yeah, because you don't just hear the band, you see 'em too.
Beavis: This is gonna be cool! I haven't seen a video in a while.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Look, there's like a spaceship and stuff!
Butt-head: Wow!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! This is great. This is just great!

Butt-head: I didn't know something could kick this much ass.
Beavis: Yeah! Oh yeah, that's cool. That's wild.
[Beavis and Butt-head are both laughing hysterically]
Beavis: Ooh, she's got a bunch of arms...
Butt-head: Yeah!
Butt-head: Wow!
Beavis: That was cool!
Butt'head: That's unbelievable!
Beavis: Boy, I haven't seen a video in a while, that is really great!
Beavis: Hey Butt-head, got any more nutmeg?
Butt-head: I don't think so.
Beavis: That's okay. That's okay, man. I don't need any.

Jordy, Dur dur d'être bébé[edit]

[Beavis and Butt-head are watching a music video with a singing four-and-a-half year old]
Beavis: Is this kid a foreigner?
Butt-head: No, buttmunch! He's just too young to know how to talk yet.
Beavis: No way, Butt-head. I knew how to talk, like, right when I was born.
Butt-head: Really? That's pretty cool.
Beavis: I said, "First, I, like, want something to eat, and then I'm gonna take a dump." It was cool.
Butt-head: Wait a minute, Beavis. I thought you flunked kindergarten because you didn't know how to talk.
Beavis: Oh, you mean, like, talking out loud? That's a whole 'nother story, Butt-head.

Journey, Separate Ways[edit]

Butt-head: Whoa! Is this The Partridge Family?
Beavis: Um...yeah!
Butt-head: I think this is Barry Manilow.
Beavis: This isn't Barry Manilow. He's blonde haired like me.
Butt-head: Yeah, and he sucks like you too.
Beavis: Yeah. I mean, no. Buttmunch.

Butt-head: Uh...uhhhhh...boy, this is horrible.
Beavis: Yeah! And it sucks too.
Butt-head: Yeah! This video, like, like if it was a turd, it would like, be like the same thing.
Beavis: Yeah. At least if this video was a turd, it would like...be kind of cool.
Butt-head: Yeah, this guy sucks! And then this guy! Just look at him!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Yeah. What a dork!

Judas Priest, Painkiller[edit]

Rob Halford: FASTER THAN A BULLET!!!! TERRIFYING SCREAM!!!!!
Beavis: [does an exaggerated impersonation of Rob Halford]
Butt-head: Hey! I feel like killing myself! I feel like killing you!

Butt-head: They're guilty. See you in hell, Rob Hellford! This dude is old.

K[edit]

King Diamond, The Family Ghost[edit]

Butt-head: Uh...uh-oh. This is horrible.
Beavis: I kinda feel sorry for these guys, you know, because um, I think it's probably not their fault that they suck so much.
Butt-head: Uh...yeah it is.

Butt-head: Uh...wow. This might be the worst crap I've ever seen in my life.
Beavis: Um...this dude kinda looks like that dude from Sesame Street...The Count.
Butt-head: Yeah. It's like [imitating The Count] A-one! A-two! A-three! A-four buttknockers! Ahahahaha!
Beavis: [also imitating The Count] Ahahahahahahaha!

Butt-head: Oh boy. This is really sad. It's probably like, you know, he has kids and stuff, and he's like "Okay kids, I gotta put on my make-up and go do another show."
Beavis: Yeah, you know? It's too bad, really.

King Missile, Martin Scorsese[edit]

John S. Hall: This one's called "Martin Scorsese".
Butt-head: Uhhhhhhh, "Martin Scores Easy"?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! It's hard for me to score.

Butt-head: Hey this is that dude who lost his penis!
Beavis: Yeah! He did that song about how he had a "touchable penis"!

Butt-head: This must be what happens when you lose your penis!
Beavis: Yeah! I always try to keep my johnson in my pants so I won't lose it!
Butt-head: You're pretty stupid, Beavis!

Kix, Cool Kids[edit]

Beavis: Holy crap!
Butt-head: Whoa! What the hell is this crap?
Beavis: Oh my God!
Butt-head: Is this, like, a joke?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah!
Butt-head: I think it's safe to say that this sucks.

Butt-head: I thought people usually look cool in leather jackets?
Beavis: Yeah! What's wrong? How come these people all look like wussies?
Butt-head: Sometimes, it just doesn't work, Beavis.
Beavis: Maybe these are, like, vinyl jackets.
Butt-head: No, they're leather. You can't polish a turd, Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah! I tried that once, I got, like, some dog doo-doo, and like, some, uh, black shoe polish, and then I, like, tried to polish it, but it's like, it's like, you can't polish a turd!
Butt-head: That's disgusting, Beavis! I bet it was pretty cool to try, though.

Beavis: That cop should hit him.
Butt-head: Yeah!
Kix: COOL! KIDS!
Butt-head: "Krokus"?
Beavis: No, he's saying "cool kids".
Butt-head: These are supposed to be cool kids?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah!
Butt-head: I'd hate to see the un-cool kids! This sucks!

KMFDM, A Drug Against War[edit]

Voiceover: Kill everything, kill everything...
Beavis: Yeah, okay! Kill everything. KILL EVERYTHING! Except me.
Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis. Don't you care about anybody but yourself?
Beavis: Um...uh...no. I don't care about anybody or anything, except me.
Butt-head: What about when I'm kicking your ass? Do you care about me then?
Beavis: Um...no, I just care about my ass. [In Cornholio accent] It is each man for himself! I will fight and die for myself!
Butt-head: Well, I guess that's a good thing because like, nobody likes you. And like, you can like, care about yourself, while I'm off scoring with chicks.

[An animated man is caressing his hand against a woman's side, about to reach her breast]
Butt-head: Whoa!
Beavis: HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER!
Butt-head: Settle down, dumbass.

[An animated, giant woman with noticeable breasts walks by]
Beavis: Whoa, Butt-head, that chick doesn't have a head!
Butt-head: Uh...oh yeah. That's like that joke, what does the perfect woman look like?
Beavis: Um, yeah, what?
Butt-head: Uh...I don't know, she's probably, you know, pretty hot. I think it's like, she has big thingys or something?
Beavis: Oh yeah, that's pretty funny. She has big thingys. It's pretty funny.

Chris Knox, Half Man Half Mole[edit]

Beavis: Cool, a cartoon.
Butt-head: Those aren't cartoons, dumbass. That's just clay.
Beavis: So? Clay can be cartoons.
Butt-head: No it can't. Cartoons are, like, drawings, or something. Clay is, like, a thing.
Beavis: So? Drawings are things.
Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, you're never gonna out...be...be smarter than me. So don't even try. Just shut up.

Beavis: I think I know what this is. I think this is, um, Davey and Goliath.
Butt-head: Oh yeah. That's that show that's on Sunday mornings when there's nothing on but church.
Beavis: You know one thing about that show, you know that Goliath is, um, he's supposed to be a dog, but I've never seen him lick his nads. Have you ever noticed that?
Butt-head: I saw him do it once real fast. He was probably like [imitating Goliath] "Uhh, Davey, you should try this."
Beavis: Yeah, and then Davey said "Maybe I should pet you first." And you know, also, you know, I've never seen him poop either.
Butt-head: I thought I saw him poop once, but I think it was just, like, a piece of clay that fell off his butt.

Korn, Blind[edit]

Beavis: Whoa! This looks like it might rock.
Butt-head: Yeah, maybe.
Beavis: Yeah. I mean, I dunno, maybe it's alright. I guess it sounds kinda cool.

Butt-head: You know what might make it different is like, you know, if you were really dizzy when you were watching this.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, if you were all like dizzy in the head and you were watching this!
Butt-head: Yeah. Want me to strike you?
Beavis: No, I know how to make myself dizzy, check it out. I learned this one time, check this out. [Beavis puts his thumb in his mouth and blows very hard, eventually hyperventilating. He then goes into a trance.] I think there's a problem with this video, as it is highly derivative of many popular bands within the genre, although when viewed on its own merit, it does have a decent groove.
Butt-head: Uh, Beavis?
Beavis: However, what it has in groove, it lacks in originality.
Butt-head: What's your problem?
Beavis: One can't help but be reminded of such bands as Pearl Jam, White Zombie, Suicidal Tendencies, and other bands that bear the mantle of so-called alternative rock.
Butt-head: You're talking like a dork, Beavis!
Beavis: One is even reminded of Laurie Anderson when she wore curlers. This video speaks less to the heart, and more to the sphincter.
Butt-head: Beavis!
Beavis: In closing, I think Korn would do well to learn more from...[Butt-head hits him several times]...AAAAAHHH!!! OW!!! Whoa, what happened?
Butt-head: You got all dizzy and then you started talking like a dumbass.
Beavis: Whoa, really? Wow.
Butt-head: But then you did say spinxter.
Beavis: It's pronounced spinxter, Butt-head.

Lenny Kravitz, Is There Any Love in Your Heart[edit]

Butt-head: Yes!
Beavis: Yeah! Yeah, bee-yotch!
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! [Slaps Beavis]

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, check it out. That chick on the drums, that's that chick that's at games holding up that sign.
Butt-head: Oh yeah. It's like it says John on it, then it has his phone number.
Beavis: Oh yeah. We should call him up and say "Hey man, know where any parties are at?"
Butt-head: Yeah, and then hang up on him. That would be cool.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. That'd teach him a lesson.

Beavis: Ooh, baby.
Butt-head: Ooh. [Beavis and Butt-head dance] Lenny rules.
Beavis: Yeah, Lemmy does rule. Um, what does Motörhead have to do with what's going on here?
Butt-head: No, butthole, I didn't say Lemmy, I said Lemmy.
Beavis: I think you said Lemmy, Butt-head.
Butt-head: You monkeyspank. [Smacks Beavis again]

Butt-head: Whoa, check out that chick!
Beavis: Yeah! She like, came out of the trunk!
Butt-head: She must be like, the spare.
Beavis: Yeah. That would be cool if like, I always had a spare chick in my trunk.
Butt-head: Uh, you don't have a trunk, buttmunch. You ride a bike.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I'm gonna get a trunk and I'm gonna like, put a spare chick in it.
Butt-head: Right, Beavis.

L[edit]

LaTour, People Are Still Having Sex[edit]

[A Mars symbol shows up onscreen
Butt-head: Hey Beavis, you see that arrow? Did you know that that symbolizes the wiener?
Beavis: Um... what wiener? Where?
Butt-head: It stands for wieners everywhere.
Beavis: Um... yeah. Good.

LaTour: But people are still having sex, and nothing seems to stop them.
Butt-head: Uh... people are still having sex?
Beavis: Yeah, what people? Where?! I want names!
Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis!
Beavis: Well, he said people are still having sex, and it's like, I'm not having sex!
Butt-head: So? If you kept your mouth shut, maybe he'd tell you!
Beavis: Well, okay.

LaTour: Do you understand me?
Beavis: Yeah, I understand you, but where?!
LaTour: Lust keeps on lurking...
Beavis: Dammit, come on! Who? Where?
Butt-head: Beavis, just listen this time! Shut up!
LaTour: This AIDS thing's not working...
Beavis: Um...
LaTour: People are still having sex!
Beavis: Yeah, okay...
LaTour: People are still having sex!
Beavis: Dammit, there he goes again!
Butt-head: Beavis, shut up!

[The top of a Mars symbol penetrates a round shape]
Butt-head: Whoa! That thing's getting it on with a doughnut!
Beavis: Yeah! uh...a doughnut sounds pretty good right now. I think I'm gonna go get a doughnut. You want anything? [Gets up and leaves]
Butt-head: Yea, bring me back a couple!

Annie Lennox, No More "I Love You"s[edit]

[A ballet dancer's legs are shown as the video starts]
Butt-head: Uh...get ready for a surprise! You think it's a girl, [camera scrolls up to dancer's face] but it's a guy!
Beavis: Oh yeah! You think it's gonna be a girl, but it's a guy, see! So it's like, confusing...it's like strange, you know.
Butt-head: [laughs] Yeah.

[Annie Lennox appears with her eyes largely widened]
Beavis: AAH! What's her problem?!
Butt-head: This is stupid.
Beavis: Um...this kind of sounds like that um...[sings]"From a Distance".
Butt-head: Oh yeah.
Beavis: Who did that song?
Butt-head: Uh...that's Butt Midler.

Beavis: That looks like that...that mouse chick...that Minnie, Minnie Mouse, you know?
Butt-head: Oh yeah. It's like, have you ever heard that joke? Why did Mickey divorce Minnie?
Beavis: Um...uh...I don't know.
Butt-head: This Sucks, this is funny. Because she was doing Goofy! [laughs]

Beavis: Check this out, Butt-head. I got a joke. This is really good. Knock knock!
Butt-head: Uh...who's there?
Beavis: Eura.
Butt-head: Eura who?
Beavis: You're a buttmunch! Dillhole! Dumbass! And a turd!
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis!
Beavis: I just made that up! I made that one up myself!

Butt-head: Okay, I have one. Knock knock!
Beavis: Who's there?
Butt-head: Uh...eura.
Beavis: Eura who?
Butt-head: You're ain...urine.

Letters to Cleo, Here and Now[edit]

[the lead singer's head is the focus of one shot]

Beavis: I wonder what the rest of her body looks like? [the camera pans down to her legs] Oh yeah. Thank you very much.
Butt-head: Thank you, may I have another?

Butt-head: Uhh, what TV show is this chick on?
Beavis: Let's see, um, Family Ties, Full House, My Two Dads, Growing Pains, One Day At a Time...
Butt-head: Uh, no.
Beavis: Melrose Place, Northern Exposure, What's Happening!!, Good Times, Jeffersons...
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! Uh, she looks like that uh, that chick that used to be young and had big hooters.
Beavis: Oh yeah.
Butt-head: And she was like, married to that dude and living with her parents, and now she does those commercials for like, hungry foreign kids.
Beavis: Oh yeah! And she was also in that commercial for the career institute, where she's going like, [high-pitched voice] "You can get a wonderful new career and an associate's degree in business management, x-ray tech, court reporter, computer technicians, high school!"
Butt-head: Yeah. [both laugh]
Beavis: I was thinking of signing up for that career institute, and like, then I could be like, X-Ray technician, and I could look through chicks' clothes and stuff. That'd be cool.
Butt-head: Yeah. That'd be a good job.
Beavis: Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Beavis: [jabbers nonsensically] What? What did you say?
Butt-head: What? I didn't say anything!
Beavis: Oh. I thought you said something, like, just now, right before I went [jabbers nonsensically], didn't you say something?
Butt-head: Uh, no.
Beavis: Really? I could've sworn I heard you say something, like you said, [imitates Butt-head] "Uhuhuh, yeah, this is cool", or something like that.
Butt-head: Uh, no, Beavis, I didn't say anything. You oughta try not saying anything.
Beavis: Okay. I'll give that a try right now.

Jerry Lee Lewis, Goosebumps[edit]

Beavis: Whoa, I think this is my grampa!
Butt-head: No, this is that dude that was in that movie...he married his cousin, and then they did it.
Beavis: Oh yeah. I think that movie was called "Great Balls of FFFFIRE!!"

Butt-head: Did you know when you get it on with your cousin, it means she's your cousin, uh, like, once removed?
Beavis: Whoa, really? Y'know my grampa told me once that, like, because he did it with his cousin, that means that my...grandma.....is my....cousin, and my mom is my great aunt.
Butt-head: Uh, yeah and she's also a great slut.
Beavis: Oh yeah and um, and also, I think my grandma is a nitwit.

Beavis: It's like, I didn't know you could, like, rock on the piano.
Butt-head: Yeah, it's like all you need to do is, like, y'know, kick the piano and do it with your cousin and, you'll be cool forever.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Or maybe you could, like, do it with the piano and kick your cousin! Yeah!
Butt-head: [sternly] Beavis.
Beavis: Oh, sorry about that.

Life of Agony, This Time[edit]

[A man looks angrily towards the camera]
Beavis: Hey, hey! Quit looking at me like that! You wanna fight?!
Butt-head: You always like, talk tough in front of the TV set but if that dude was really here, you'd be a total wuss.
Beavis: No way, Butt-head! I'd take him on.
Butt-head: No you wouldn't! You'd be going like [Mocks Beavis's voice] Yeah...huh huh huh...yeah...huh huh huh.
Beavis: Yeah. [snickers] Yeah.

Butt-head: Is that that Christian Slater dude?
Beavis: Yeah. It's like "Christians? Later, dude."
Butt-head: Beavis, quit trying to be funny. It never works.

Butt-head: Whoa! This part of the song sucks. It's like, that other part is pretty cool, but it's like, they go into all these different parts, and most of them suck.
Beavis: If they could just stick to that one part that's cool, you know? Not play the stuff that, like, sucks, and uh, you know, then like, you know, we'd all be like, you know, we'd all be a little better.

Keith Caputo: You've got time, but you ain't got time for me...
Butt-head: Look at him! He's saying his dad doesn't have time for him.
Beavis: Aww! Aww! He ain't got time for me!
Butt-head: He's practically crying.
Beavis: Aww! That's too bad.

Live, I Alone[edit]

Butt-head: Uhh, I think this dude is checking you out, Beavis.
Beavis: No he's not! Liar.
Butt-head: Yeah he is. He's like, "I like what I see. I'll be right over."
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! He can't see me, because he's just looking at the camera, he's in the video.
Butt-head: Remember that time that dude was saying that stuff to you at the bus station?
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
Butt-head: He said, "I like what I see. Now why don't you go into one of those stalls and I'll meet you there."
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! At least I got a candy bar out of the deal.
Butt-head: Yeah.

Beavis: Who the hell is this buttmunch?! What's going on here?
Butt-head: What's with all these faces he's making? He's like, trying to be scary and all heavy and intense and stuff.
Beavis: Who's this other guy, that keeps, like, trying to get in front of him?
Butt-head: I think he's just some jackass that wandered on the set. Maybe he’s like, the drummer, and like, they got there and they said "Where are your drums?" and he’s like, "Uhh, I thought they were in the van."
Beavis: And they’re like, "You mean you didn’t bring your drums?"
Butt-head: And they said "Okay, it’s your own fault. You’re gonna have to wander around like a buttmunch for the whole video."
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. And then he said "Okay, that’s okay with me, yeah. I can do that."
Butt-head: What a jack-butt-munch-ass-dumb-butt.

Butt-head: Look at that little braid thing on the back of his head.
Beavis: Yeah, it’s like, one of those dolls, where you pull the string, and they, like, talk and stuff.
Butt-head: That would be a cool doll if you had, like, this little bald dude without a shirt, and you, like, pull a string on the back of his head and he just starts shouting at you. And then it could wet its pants.

Lordz of Brooklyn, Saturday Night Fever[edit]

Beavis: [sings] American Woman!
Butt-head: They think they're bad cause they're walking slow.

[a heavy-set man with a mustache has the caption "Scotty"]

Beavis: Check it out, Scotty. [imitates Scotty] Captain, she's breaking up! We can't hold out much longer! Get out your seat and jump around! Jump around!
Butt-head: [also imitating Scotty] Get out your seat and jump around. Jump around.
Beavis: These guys are like, it's like they're trying to be House of Pain.
Butt-head: Yeah. And the Beastie Boys, and uh, Goodfellas...
Beavis: And Resavore Dogs.

Butt-head: You know, if these dudes were as cool as they think they are, they'd be hanging out with chicks on a Saturday night.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, really. Or at least, like, watching TV or something. I wonder where these guys get these clothes?
Butt-head: Uh, you can get them at this place called Buy George down at the mall.
Beavis: No way, really? Cool.

Beavis: Who are these guys, anyway?
Butt-head: Uh, the Lordz of Brooklyn.
Beavis: I thought there was only one Lord. That's what they said in Sunday school.
Butt-head: You're thinking of, like, outer space, Beavis. That's where the lord lives.

G. Love & Special Sauce, Cold Beverage[edit]

Butt-head: I've seen this video before. It sucks.
Beavis: Wow! You know, I was just thinking the same thing, then you said it! You must, like, read minds or something.
Butt-head: Uh, yeah, I can do that. I have, like, ESP...N.
Beavis: Whoa, really? That's cool.
Butt-head: Yeah. I knew you were gonna say that.
Beavis: Wow. So what am I gonna say next?
Butt-head: You're gonna say "Yeah, huh huh huh huh"
Beavis: Yeah, heh heh. Wow! You did it again. That's cool!
Butt-head: I knew you were gonna say that, too.
Beavis: Okay, let's try it one more time. I'm gonna think about something.
Butt-head: Okay...ummm....mmmm...dammit Beavis! [slaps Beavis several times]
Beavis: Cut it out, butthole!
Butt-head: Don't ever think about that again.

Beavis: Wow, this is really cool. Okay, let me do it now. You think of something.
Butt-head: Okay.
Beavis: Um...are you thinking about...is it some flies?
Butt-head: No.
Beavis: Is it a suitcase of some kind?
Butt-head: No.
Beavis: Are you thinking you're gonna smack me?
Butt-head: No, but that's not a bad idea. [slaps Beavis several times]

M[edit]

M.I.R.V., Shave My Face Off[edit]

Beavis: That's all you need anyway, is a beer, a chair, and a TV. I mean if I go through life and wind up never scoring, I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I just had a beer, a chair and a TV--
Butt-head: Beavis, you are NEVER going to score.
Beavis: I'm not saying I'll never score. I'm just saying, y'know, if that's the way it worked out, it wouldn't be too bad...well, no, it would suck, but it would be if I had a TV, and um...dammit! Nevermind.
Butt-head: You'll be lucky if you even drink a beer. You'll probably never have a chair either.
Beavis: This is gonna suck.

Madonna, Fever[edit]

Butt-head: Whoa! She's got a small, furry animal in her mouth.
Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. That's cool.
Butt-head: This chick was married to that dude who would punch you if you took his picture.
Beavis: Yeah...that Woody Allen dude.
Butt-head: No, assmunch! Woody Allen's the dude who went out with his daughter.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Hey Butt-head, if you were a chick, would you like, go out with your stepdad?
Butt-head: Uh...not if his name was Woody.
Beavis: Yeah. What if his name was Stiffy?
Butt-head: Uh...well...maybe. Stiffy Allen. Whoa! She's almost naked! That gives me a special feeling on my Woody Allen.

Madonna, Secret[edit]

Beavis: You know, I sure would like to do Madonna.
Butt-head: Yeah, me too! I'd like to have sex with her. That would rule! Check it out. Madonna's always having sex with herself in these videos.
Beavis: Yeah, that's what I meant too. That would kick ass!

Butt-head: Madonna looks pretty normal here.
Beavis: Yeah, really. She just looks like a normal, white-haired old lady walking down the street to get some groceries. You know what I'm saying?
Butt-head: Uh...yeah. But, you know, for a white-haired old lady, she still looks pretty good.
Beavis: Oh yeah! You know, I'd do her...
Butt-head: Beavis, you'd do your old white-haired grandma if you had the chance.
Beavis: No way, Butt-head! My grandma's got brown, kinda purple hair.

Butt-head: Madonna's always like...masturbating during her videos.
Beavis: Yeah, so am I!
Butt-head: Yeah, but like, when she masturbates, she's still doing it with Madonna, but when you spank your monkey, you're just having sex with Beavis!
Beavis: Well, little Beavis.

Marilyn Manson, Get Your Gunn[edit]

Beavis: Hey! No shirt, no shoes, no service!
Butt-head: Those are the rules! Now get the hell out of my store!

Marilyn Manson: The housewife I will beat...
Beavis: The asswipe I will beat?
Butt-head: He didn't say asswipe, he said housewife.
Beavis: Sounded like asswipe to me, Butt-head.
Butt-head: Uh...who cares?

Beavis: Whoa! I think he's saying "Get your gun."
Butt-head: Uh...I think this is one of those "Stop the violence" things...you know, like enough is enough.
Beavis: You know, they really should um, stop the violence, because sometimes it hurts, you know? It's like, maybe you like, gave peace a chance, and like...[Butt-head smacks Beavis] OW! CUT IT OUT, BUTT-HEAD!
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! I'm trying to watch this! [Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles] UUHH! Dammit, Beavis!
Beavis: Dammit Butt-head! I'm just trying to say, you know, that if they stopped the violence...[Butt-head slaps Beavis again]
Butt-head: Now quit acting like a damn wuss, Beavis, or I'm gonna get medieval on your ass!

Marilyn Manson, Long Hard Road Out of Hell[edit]

Butt-head: Uh...boy, Cher has sure gone downhill.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, really! It's like, her boobs have gotten smaller, and she's like...all weird...
Butt-head: Yeah, but that's like, when you get old, you get this thing called mentopause, and like, your boobs go away, and like, your butt swells up...
Beavis: Whoa, really? You know, I think that might be happening to me, Butt-head!
Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, pull your pants up!

Beavis: Whoa, look, Butt-head! Poop in a jar!
Butt-head: Oh yeah. I think there's some wee-wee there too.

Butt-head: Uh...wait a minute. This isn't Cher.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Yeah, you're right, it's Charles Manson!
Butt-head: No, dumbass. It's Marilyn Manson.
Beavis: Oh. Really? Um, where have I heard that name? Charles Manson...
Butt-head: You know all these people in this video? They're all like, part of this Manson dude's family, and then they like, do it with each other, and then they like, go out and kill people and cut their ears off and stuff?
Beavis: Really? I'll be damned.
Butt-head: Yeah, and like, this is how they like, spend Thanksgiving. They sit around and get naked and scream.
Beavis: You know, I've seen a lot of stuff, but this is really just disturbing, and just really wrong, and this is just bad.
Butt-head: These people are messed up.
Beavis: I got a pamphlet I'd like these guys to read. You know what I'm saying?
Butt-head: They're all gonna spend an eternity in Hell.

Beavis: You know, that one chick? That chick right there? She's kinda hot.
Butt-head: Yeah.
Beavis: I'd like to make love to her.
Butt-head: Yeah. Me too.
Beavis: I'd like to stroll down, and make love...
Butt-head: Come to Butt-head.

Butt-head: How does he make it, so like, you can't see his schlong?
Beavis: Oh, it's easy, Butt-head. You push it down to your taint and you tape it to your buttcrack with duct tape. I've done it before.
Butt-head: Uh...why did you tape your wiener to your buttbrack, Beavis?
Beavis: Um...I don't know, I wanted to try it, I thought maybe it'd save time.

Butt-head: Uh...wait a minute, Beavis. That's a dude! [Beavis screams] You want to make love to a dude, Beavis!
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Shut up! You said you wanted to do him too!
Butt-head: No I didn't, Beavis.
Beavis: Yes you did! You said "Yeah, I wanna do her, come to Butt-head!"
Butt-head: No, I didn't, Beavis! Shut up before I kick you a new bunghole! [singing] Beavis wants to make love to a dude...
Beavis: SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD! Whoa, it's Matt Pinfield!
Butt-head: You wanna do it with him too, Beavis?
Beavis: SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD! I'm serious! I'm gonna haul off and kick you in the nads!
Butt-head: [Laughs] Beavis is a lesbian.

MC 900 Ft. Jesus, If I Only Had a Brain[edit]

[Beavis hums along with the bassline]
Butt-head: Check it out, this dumbass is trying to mail himself. Beavis...cut it out, Beavis. Dammit Beavis, cut it out. Uhh, that'd be cool if, like, I could, like, mail myself. I could put a stamp on my butt and say, like, "Take me to somewhere cool". Beavis, shut up.
Beavis: [still humming along] Higher!
Butt-head: Beavis, do you hear me? Shut up! Shut up, Beavis! Beavis, if you don't stop that right now, I'm gonna smack you upside the head!
Beavis: [sings along] Still be here with you...
Butt-head: I'm gonna give you three seconds, Beavis! What the hell's the matter with you, Beavis? [smacks Beavis]
Beavis: OOOWW!! [resumes humming along]
Butt-head: Beavis, do you hear me? [smacks Beavis again] Shut up!
Beavis: AH! OW! [resumes humming along]
Butt-head: Remember that time you turned that jack-in-a-box into a crap-in-the-box? That was cool. Uhh, Beavis? Beavis?
Beavis: [singing along] Higher, higher!
Butt-head: Beavis! What's your problem, Beavis? I said stop it! [fed up with this, Butt-head hums along. Beavis stops humming along.]

Bobby McFerrin, Don't Worry, Be Happy[edit]

Butt-head: I heard this dude like did this whole song just by like whistling and singing and slapping his butt and stuff.
Beavis: Whoa! Really? I think I'm gonna try that.
Butt-head: Yeah. So am I. [Slaps Beavis across the face]

Butt-head: Don't worry, Beavis, be happy.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I'm not worried.
Butt-head: Oh yeah? Does this worry you? [smacks Beavis]
Beavis: AAH!! I'm gonna play drums on your nads with my foot!
Butt-head: I'd like to see you try, butt-knocker!
Beavis: Don't call me that, Butt-head! [kicks Butt-head in the testicles]
Butt-head: UUH! I'm gonna play drums on your face, buttknocker!
[The two continuously hit and yell at each other]
Butt-head: Okay, the fight's over! I won.
Beavis: No you didn't, Butt-head! I won.

Beavis: Whoa, check it out, it's Mrs. Doubt-FIRE!
Butt-head: Oh yeah.
Beavis: I don't think that guy's very funny.
Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, he tries to talk really fast, so you won't notice that he's not very funny.
Beavis: I think he was funny, like, a long time ago, when it was, like, really fast.

Megadeth, Sweating Bullets[edit]

Butthead: Hey Beavis, this guy talks like you.
Beavis: No way, Butthead. [sounding like Dave Mustaine] He doesn't talk like me.
Butthead: He sorta talks like you. He just doesn't sound as much of a wuss as you do.
Beavis: Shut up, Butthead.

[several bodies of Dave Mustaine are being shown in the video]
Butthead: What's that dude doing back there?
Beavis: That's Dave Mustaine.
Butthead: No way, Beavis, that's Dave Mustaine up in front.
Beavis: No way, Butthead. Dave Mustaine sings better than that.
Butthead: Yeah. That's like a Dave Mustaine look-alike.

Butthead: Was this guy raised by wolves?
Beavis: Yeah. Wolves are cool. If you were like raised by wolves, you could like, go take a leak in the forest, and like, take a dump too. And then you'd like kill sheep and stuff.
Butthead: You could take a dump in the woods, even if you weren't raised by wolves, dude.
Beavis: Oh yeah.

Melvins, Hooch[edit]

Beavis: Yes! Yes!
Butt-head: Cool!
Beavis: This rules, Butt-head, check this out!

Buzz Osborne: Los ticka toe rest...
Butt-head: What? I can't understand what he's saying.
Beavis: What's your problem, dumbass? He's saying, like, um...
Buzz Osborne: ...sender bright like a penelty...
Beavis: Done brine like a pelty? Yeah, that's cool.

Beavis: See, like, right here, he says, uh...
Buzz Osborne: Exi-tease my ray day member half lost a beat away...
Beavis: Um, exit is my raging member, ban on a TV.
Butt-head: These words rule!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah! Rock!

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, if they X-rayed your wiener, would they see a bone?
Butt-head: If you had a boner, they would.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. That would be cool.

[the band members are submerged in water]

Butt-head: Water is cool.
Beavis: Yeah. We should go to somebody's pool, and like, go inside it, and like, go underwater, and just rock out! [sings along] Like a stinky photographing on a wire relay in a state of!

Men Without Hats, The Safety Dance[edit]

Butt-head: Is this Michael Jackson?
Beavis: I think it's that bee from that Blind Melon video.

Butt-head: Dammit, I'm sick and tired of seeing crap like this.
Beavis: That'd be cool, if Robin Hood came and shot these guys with an arrow. Yeah, yeah, YEAH, YEAH YEAH!
Butt-head: Rock on, Beavis!

Men Without Hats: We can dance, we can dance...
Butt-head: This butthole keeps saying he can dance, but it's like...he can't dance.
Beavis: Yeah, they need to go to a Pantera concert to learn how to dance.
Butt-head: They'd get their butts slammed around.
Beavis: Yeah, they'd get their butts kicked. And if I was there, I'd start kicking that one guy in the nads.

Mercyful Fate, The Bellwitch[edit]

Beavis: Whoa, check it out, it's the Turdburgler!
Butt-head: You mean the Hamburglar, dude.
Beavis: No, this guy's a Turdburgler.
Butt-head: Oh yeah!

Beavis: Look at this dumbass! How come he's the only guy who's wearing make-up?
Butt-head: It's like, him and the band all got together and stuff, and said "OK man, tomorrow, we're gonna wear some really scary scary makeup tomorrow, and it's gonna be really cool. We're gonna kick some ass." But then this dumbass was the only one stupid enough to do it!
Beavis: Yeah. The other dudes were probably like "You put makeup on? You dumbass, we were just joking!"

Butt-head: Boy, this is horrible.
Beavis: Um...don't say that, Butt-head. I kinda feel sorry for these guys.
Butt-head: Yeah.

Beavis: Whoa! If I had a mic like that, I'd stick a mic into every end, so I'd be four times as loud.
Butt-head: Uh...no you wouldn't. You can only sing into one end at a time, Beavis.
Beavis: Not if I spun it around really fast, Butt-head.
Butt-head: No you wouldn't, Beavis. You'd still be singing into one end at a time.
Beavis: No, Butt-head. I'd spin it around and go REALLY fast. I'd be like [high-pitched groaning].
Butt-head: Uh...yeah, I guess that might work.

Metallica, For Whom the Bell Tolls[edit]

Beavis: Check it out, I was at this concert, and then like Lars points at me. [Lars Ulrich points at the crowd] See? He's said, "There's Beavis"! And there I am, right there!
Butt-head: Beavis, you've never been to a concert in your life.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Your mom's a slut!
Butt-head: Beavis, Metallica suck. They've never made out with a chick either.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! [the two can be seen hitting each other]

Butt-head: That James Hetfield dude looks like the Cowardly Lion.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! He kicks ass!
Butt-head: The Cowardly Lion sucks, Beavis.
Beavis: I was talking about James Hetfield! He rules!

Beavis: YES! YES! Metallica rules!
Butt-head: Not really, Beavis.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Just because you say something doesn't rule doesn't mean it doesn't...uh...yeah! Butthole!
Butt-head: I know. It sucks.
Beavis: If you say one more thing about Metallica I'm gonna slam you in the nads!
Butt-head: Go on with your bad self, Beavis.

[the camera is focused on a close-up on James Hetfield's nose]

Butt-head: See, look inside this dude's nose.
Beavis: I know. It's cool. Dumbass
Butt-head: Well, boogers and stuff are pretty cool, but the hair isn't very cool.
Beavis: I dunno. I think it's cool.
Butt-head: Yeah, but it's like, if you wanna rule, you gotta be cool, like, all the time, like, even when you're taking a dump and stuff, like GWAR.
Beavis: Oh. I wasn't saying they were as cool as GWAR. But they still rule! They rule! They rule! They kick ass!

Metallica, One[edit]

Beavis: What's this?
Butt-head: You should know, buttmunch. This is Metallica.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, YEAH!!!

[commenting on the rather clean and slow intro]
Beavis: This part of the song sucks, but it gets cool later.
Butt-head: Yeah.
Beavis: It starts going, "Dududududuh! Darkness! Imprisoning me! I cannot live! I cannot die!"
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! You're beginning to piss me off.

Butt-head: Lars is cool.
Beavis: Isn't he that dude on that Addams Family?
Butt-head: You're thinking of Lurch, dumbass! Lars could kick Lurch's butt.
Beavis: Yeah. He could kick Cousin Itt's butt too.
Butt-head: Does Cousin Itt have a butt?
Beavis: Yeah. [jabbers like Cousin Itt]
Butt-head: [imitating Lurch] Uhhh, you rang, Mrs. Addams, uhhh?
Beavis: Heh heh, that was pretty funny, Butt-head.

[the music starts becoming more metallic]
Butt-head: Yes! Yes!
Beavis: Yes! Metallica rules!
Butt-head: They rule.
Beavis: [singing along] Dunununuh! Dunununuh! Darkness! Imprisoning me! I cannot live! I cannot die!
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis!
Beavis: Oh. Sorry, man.

MGMT, It's Working[edit]

Butt-head: Uh, this is like, those instructions you get when you try to buy a bed at IKEA.
Beavis: Oh, yeah. The bed shouldn't have instructions. Except for like, "sleep" and "get it on."
Butt-head: Yeah, really. That's why I stole this couch.

Butt-head: Uh... remember when you were little and your mom tried to lose you at IKEA?
Beavis: Oh, yeah, yeah! She's like, um... "just lay down and take a nap right here, Beavis. Everything's gonna be fine."
Butt-head: And then she couldn't find her way out and kept running into you again.
Beavis: Yeah, she wanted to go to Las Vegas with the bikers.
Butt-head: Yeah. They finally found her fighting in the parking lot.
Beavis: Oh yeah. And then they made me, um, go live with that family, um... the Fosters. Yeah.

[The drummer appears wearing a sombrero]
Butt-head: Uh... is that a lesbian or a Mexican?
Beavis: Um... you're not supposed to say those words, Butt-head.
Butt-head: Uh... really?
Beavis: Remember that guidance counselor came and told us that those were both bad words?
Butt-head: Uh... oh yeah. He said those words were like, intolerable or something.

Butt-head: Uh... I think this is a diagram that shows how the butt works.
Beavis: Yeah, it's the digestive system of a lesbian. I mean, uh, oh. Dammit.
Butt-head: Whoa! They gave a poopsicle to that kid!

MGMT, Kids[edit]

Butt-Head: Uhhh, is this 16 and Pregnant?
Beavis: No no no no. I've seen all of those. Plus she already has a baby, so this is probably, um, Teen Mom season 3! I've seen all of seasons 1 and 2!
Butt-Head: She's a lousy mom.

Beavis: Is this Florida?
Butt-Head: Uhhh... [monsters and zombie-looking people around] Yup, that's Florida. Florida sucks.

Butt-Head: She made this little kid cry just so he could be in this video.
Beavis: Yeah that's messed up. What kind of parent would let their kid be in this video?!
Butt-Head: Yeah! They're like, "Okay son, now there's gonna be some scary monsters, and some creepy people putting their hands on you, but you should be able to handle it because you're like...uh, one and a half."
Beavis: "Yeah, you're one now! It's time you start pulling your weight around here!"


Milla, Gentlemen Who Fell[edit]

Beavis: This chick looks familiar.
Butt-head: Oh yeah. She was in that movie.
Beavis: Oh yeah, that movie...it was the second one. The second one of that first one where that dude was choking his chicken on that rock.

[A very brief image of most of Milla's bare butt appears]
Beavis: OH MY GOD! DID YOU SEE THAT?!
Butt-head: I sure did. And it was cool.
Beavis: I've never seen anything like that on TV. She was rubbing her butt!
Butt-head: This kicks ass!
Beavis: AAH, OH MY GOD! SHE'S STARK RAVING NAKED!
Butt-head: Yeah! You could see everything!
Beavis: Oh boy, this is exciting! This is action-packed!
Butt-head: I like this song.

Butt-head: Whoa, it's Death!
Beavis: If Death came over to my house, I'd just, like, kick him in the nads and run away.
Butt-head: Death doesn't have nads, Beavis.
Beavis: I bet his sack, like, shrivelled up like a little raisin.
Butt-head: [shudders] Ugh, that's disgusting, Beavis!

Butt-head: That spider's gonna do her.
Beavis: No way, really?

Butt-head: Uhh, she's naked again!
Beavis: Ooh yeah! Whoa, you can see her rump!
Butt-head: Her what?
Beavis: Her rump!
Butt-head: You mean her butt, Beavis?
Beavis: No, no, her rump. That's the part off to the side.
Butt-head: It's called a butt, Beavis.
Beavis: Oh yeah, I'm sorry. I just get tired of saying "butt" sometimes. I thought I'd throw rump in.

Ministry, Just One Fix[edit]

[A tornado is shown on screen]
Butt-head: Now we're getting somewhere!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Now we're getting sonewhere.
Butt-head: Even the old dude is cool.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah!
Butt-head: I like the tornado.

Beavis: Almost everything in this video is cool.
Butt-head: What do you mean, almost? What else do you want?
Beavis: Um, well, it would be pretty cool, like, if somebody puked.
[A guy in the video is about to throw up in a sink]
Butt-head: So let it be done. No Way, Beavis.
Beavis: AARGHH! That was disgusting!
Butt-head: You asked for it, dude.
Beavis: Yeah, but I didn't ask for blood in it. That was beyond the limits of good taste.

Kylie Minogue, The Loco-Motion[edit]

Butt-head: Whoa! It's Barbie.
Beavis: They oughta get some dude without a wiener to play Ken.
Butt-head: Why don't you go for it, Beavis?

Butt-head: This chick has more teeth than most people.
Beavis: Yeah. Bite me!

Butt-head: She looks like that chick in the mall.
Beavis: Chicken what?
Butt-head: That chick in the mall!
Beavis: That chicken? What do you mean?
Butt-head: No, asswipe! I'm talking about that chick!
Beavis: Oh, you mean that chick who works at Chick-fil-A? That chicken place?
Butt-head: What's your problem, Beavis? I'm not talking about chicken! Pull your thumb out of your ear and back into your butt!
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-Head! You did talk about chicken! You said that chicken mall!

Butt-head: This video is upbeat.
Beavis: This video makes me want to get up and beat it.
Butt-head: You said "up!"

Butt-head: This makes me feel good.
Beavis: This video?
Butt-head: No. This! [Changes the channel]

Missing Persons, Words[edit]

Dale Bozzio: Do you hear me?
Beavis: [Mocking] Do you hear me?
Dale Bozzio: Do you care?
Butt-head: Do I care? No!
Beavis: Yeah, I don't care! Hell, I just don't care about anything!

Moist, Push[edit]

[The lead singer is tapping the side of his head]
Butt-head: He's thinking.
Beavis: Oh, I see. It's like, you tap yourself on the side of the head to think. I see. I haven't tried that.
Lead Singer: (singing in a low voice) A little bit more than I could...ever want, A little bit more than you could...ever say.
Butt-head: This guy pronounces words weird.
Beavis: Yeah, really. [mocking the singer] A little bit more than you could ever say. [normal voice] Heh, heh, heh. [mocking the singer again] Fade away, fade away. [normal voice] What kind of an accent is that?
Butt-head: Uhh, I think that's the way they talk in like, Wussylvania.
Beavis: Oh yeah. And I was like thinking he was from California.

[during the guitar solo]
Beavis: What's that dude's problem?
Butt-head: Uhh, it's like, he's a little too into the music.
Beavis: Yeah, really. It's kind of embarrassing.
Butt-head: Yeah. The other dudes in the band are probably going "Uh, god, I wish he wouldn't do that".

[the lead singer is grabbing another member by the jaw]
Butt-head: Whoa, what's he doing?
Beavis: He's like, "come on, come on, open it up, come on, gimme my damn candy bar back, I wasn't done yet, I was saving that for after the video, spit it out!"
Butt-head: That was stupid, Beavis.
Beavis: I thought it was kinda funny. You know, like, you know...
Butt-head: Beavis, stop trying to be funny.

Monster Magnet, Negasonic Teenage Warhead[edit]

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, I know I talk about turds a lot, but boy, these things really look like turds.
Butt-head: Uhh, I talk a lot about turds too, Beavis. Don't worry about it.
Beavis: Oh, okay. Poop!

Butt-head: Uranus is cool.
Beavis: Oh, thanks! My anus is pretty cool.
Butt-head: [Gets ticked off and slaps Beavis on the chin] Damn it, Beavis, shut up! I was talking about the planet!

Beavis: Whoa! Check it out! A flying Poop-tart! They oughta make that, like poop-tarts, like when they pop out of the toaster, they go POOP!

[seeing some guys in a car drive under a giant woman]
Butt-head: Uhh, stop the car dude!
Beavis: I just thought of something. You know what would be funny is if while they were driving under that girl like that, y'know, since they have a convertible, it would have been funny if she pooped on them.
Butt-head: Uhh, okay Beavis, that's enough about poop.
Beavis: Okay. I'll just talk about wee-wee. Tinkle tinkle tinkle!

Morbid Angel, God of Emptiness[edit]

Butt-head: Hey, look, it's another one of those heavy metal videos with a naked dude all curled up on the floor.

[the lead singer roars]

Butt-head: Whoa. Was that a bear?
Beavis: Um, heh. [Beavis imitates the singer] BLEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Yeah, I think so.

Butt-head: Hey, beavis, it's that dude from Andy of Mayberry.
Beavis: Oh yeah. You mean Barney? [imitates Don Knotts] Well, Andy, I'm gonna go over to Mount Pilot and worship Satan.
Butt-head: That doesn't sound like him, Beavis.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
Butt-head: Hey Beavis, I just thought of something. Goober spelled backwards is "booger".
Beavis: Oh yeah. That's cool. So, like, um, what's booger spelled backwards?
Butt-head: Uh, lets see. Uhhh...I dunno.

Butt-head: This is where it starts to get really stupid. [imitates the singer] Bow to me, faithfully...
Beavis: Bow to me...uh...
Butt-head: Bow to me faithfully.
Beavis: Bow to me faithfully...
Beavis & Butt-head: [in unison] Bow to me faithfully.
Butt-head: Bow to me splendidly...
Beavis: Bow to me splendidly? What does that mean?

Morphine, Honey White[edit]

[a beehive is shown onscreen]
Beavis: Yeah! [imitates bees humming] Nyayayayayayaya!! Bees are cool. Nyaaayyayayayaya!!

Beavis: Whoa, check it out! It's Jon Stewart.
Butt-head: Yeah. He's horny.
Beavis: Yeah. It's like, he's the horniest talk show dude on TV.
Butt-head: Yeah, but it's like, he shouldn't try to be in a band like this.
Beavis: Yeah, I mean this is okay, you know, it's nothing special though. He should just do his TV show.
Butt-head: Yeah, but you know what he should do? He should get rid of all that other stuff on his show, and just have the whole show be like, him trying to pick up a chick.
Beavis: Yeah, like he would bring out a chick with big hooters, maybe like this one right here, and he just sits there and tries to score. That would be cool.
Butt-head: Yeah. That would rule!

Beavis: Dammit. I wish they'd show those bees again. Bees kick ass. [imitates bees humming] Nyayayayaya!! Bees rule!

Mark Sandman: I like to see a little more fat.
Beavis: Yeah, I'd like to see a little more fat too! That's the best part. It's like, whenever I'm eating some meat, I'd just eat all the fat and leave the rest.
Butt-head: Yeah. I like to make a fat sandwich sometimes.
Beavis: Yeah! A little mayonnaise, a little salt...it rules!

[a woman in the video is spinning around]
Butt-head: Cool. Look what she's doing.
Beavis: I do that sometimes, too. It helps me fall asleep.
Butt-head: You mean 'cause it like, tires you out or something?
Beavis: No. Not really, no. It's like, I just spin around until I get really dizzy, then I like, fall down and bang my head on something, and then I just go to sleep. Works every time.
Butt-head: You're pretty cool sometimes, Beavis.

Morrissey, November Spawned a Monster[edit]

[Beavis sees Morrissey dressed in an unbuttoned fishnet shirt and then spits his soda all over Butt-head]
Butt-head: Watch it, Beavis! I know this sucks, but that doesn't mean you have to spit all over me.
Beavis: You're lucky I didn't barf all over you.

Butt-head: He's trying to hump a rock.
Beavis: Yeah, that would be cool if he like, pulled it down, and it crushed him. Yeah, yeah!

Butt-head: Whoa! Did you see that? He had a band-aid on one of his boobs.
Beavis: Really? Why?
Butt-head: Maybe he's like, trying to shave the hair off of his chest, and--
Beavis: OW! Don't say stuff like that, Butt-head.
Butt-head: Why not, Beavis? It's like he shaved his nipple off.
Beavis: OW! OW! Stop it!

Butt-head: This is really beginning to piss me off, Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah, really!
Butt-head: Get off the ground and stop whining, you wuss!
Beavis: Get up! Get up, stand up straight, and quit acting like a wuss! Quit whining, go out and get a job and some good clothes!
Butt-head: You tell him, Beavis!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! And another thing, stay away from those rocks!

The Murmurs, You Suck[edit]

Beavis: Is this a diaper commercial?
Butt-head: Uh...no, this is a douche commercial.
Beavis: Oh yeah. That's funny, douche. [Cackles] What is a douche, anyway? Like, how does it work?
Butt-head: Uh...I don't know. I think chicks get it when they have that like, not so fresh feeling.
Beavis: Oh yeah. I think it helps them go horseback riding, and like, go down to the beach and stuff like that.
Butt-head: Yeah. I wonder how come they don't have a douche for guys.
Beavis: Yeah. That would rule. Sometimes you know, I feel like, not so fresh...you know.
Butt-head: Well, maybe if you'd wash your butt once in a while...and I'm not talking about washing your whole butt, I'm talking about washing your butthole.

The Murmurs: And for that, you suck...
Beavis: Um...they just said you suck.
Butt-head: No they didn't, they said you suck. They ripped off my idea for a song.
Beavis: Yeah, and you already ripped off the idea from me, bunghole.
Butt-head: Beavis, do you remember what I told you about trying to be funny?
Beavis: ...that I shouldn't?
Butt-head: That's right, now sit there and shut up, nutsack.

Beavis: Wait wait wait, I think I can see something. I THINK I CAN SEE THE SIDE OF HER BOOB!
Butt-head: I think that's just a koala bear.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Sorry. You know something? I wish these girls were naked, and um, I wish they were right here without any clothes on, and I wish I was grabbing their butt, and that's about it.
Butt-head: Uh...okay then.

N[edit]

Napalm Death, Plague Rages[edit]

Butt-head: Uhh, something's wrong. It's like, it doesn't look like this guy would have this kind of voice.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, it's like, it doesn't look like that kind of voice would come out of that guy, you know what I'm saying?
Butt-head: Yeah. It looks like it might come out of his butt.
Beavis: Actually, I was thinking like, it looks like this kind of voice, like, would come out of Godzilla, or maybe it'd come out of Godzilla's butt.
Butt-head: If it did come out of Godzilla's butt, that would be a good video.

[a decomposed horse is seen in the video]

Beavis: Whoa look, check it out Butt-head, it's a dead horse!
Butt-head: Yeah. Remember that time we found that dead horse?
Beavis: Oh yeah. We like ran and jumped on his stomach, and then like, all that gunk shot out of his butt.
Butt-head: Yeah. That was cool.
Beavis: Oh yeah. That was sad. Imagine if Godzilla was dead, imagine all the stuff that would fly out of his butt.

Me'shell Ndegéocello, If That's Your Boyfriend (He Wasn't Last Night)[edit]

Girl in video: I feel like such an ass.
Butt-head: Yeah. I feel like an ass too. Beavis, go out and get me an ass, please.
Beavis: Okay. Would you like some boobs to go with that ass too?

A different girl in the music video screams
Beavis: AAH! What was that? What's going on?!
Butt-head: You wuss! That's just a chick screaming.
Beavis: They should warn you if they're gonna do that crap, dammit.

Butt-head: Whoa! This song's about like, some chick doing it with like, some other chick's boyfriend.
Beavis: Yeah! That's pretty harsh.
Butt-head: Yeah. So like, this chick will only do yo if you like, already have a girlfriend...?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! A lot of chicks are like that. They don't wanna go out with you unless you already have a girlfriend...but like, you can't get a girlfriend because you don't have a girlfriend...so it's like...struss-frating.

Beavis: Dammit, what's going on here? This chick is talking! Is this a commercial or a video? What is this?!
Butt-head: Beavis, just shut up, and like...free your mind or something.
Beavis: I wanna know what it is...like, I can't pay attention to this!
Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, can't you just like...cool out and listen?
Beavis: Dammit Butt-head, what kind of crap are you talking? You sound like a damn hippie!
Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that. I'm not gonna smack you today.

Ned's Atomic Dustbin, All I Ask of Myself Is That I Hold It Together[edit]

Butt-head: Maps.
Beavis: Yeah, remember that time that guy came into Burger World 'cause he was lost? And you, like, drew a map with, like, ketchup and french fries and pickles!
Butt-head: Oh yeah. I was just making stuff up!
Beavis: Yeah, you were like, "Okay, you see, you go right down here and then you turn left, and then see this pickle, this is like a big building".
Butt-head: Yeah. He believed me!
Beavis: He was like goin': "Uh huh, okay, uh hmm".

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, you know like sometimes when we get rides home, you know it's like, a lot of dude's, and they're all stuffed in the back seat like that?
Butt-head: Uh, yeah?
Beavis: Um, is it normal to get wood?
Butt-head: Beavis, you boner popping pervert! It's not even normal to ask!
Beavis: Oh, okay!

Beavis: Whoa, is this a demolition derby?
Butt-head: Uh, yeah! I think it is. Demolition derbies kick ass!
Beavis: Yeah, yeeeeeaaaaahhhh! Y'know, I can't think of anything, that kicks as much ass, as a demolition derby! Yeah!
Butt-head: Yeah. Does your mom still go out to Sunset Speedway and watch those?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! "SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY! SUNSET SPEEDWAY PRESENTS THE DUKES OF DIRT, DERBYYYYY! THE BARONS OF FAST, THE KINGS OF CRASH, IT'S A SMASH UP DERBY SPECTACULAR, WITH CHILLS, THRILLS, AND BONE CRUNCHING SPILLS! Ticket price pays for the whole seat, BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EEEEDDDDDDGGGEEEE! WHHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis. Your voice is too high to do that. [in a very high pitched voice] "Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!"
Beavis: Shut up, butthole! Check this out, [in a deeper voice] "Sunday, Sunday, Sundaaayyyy!"
Butt-head: You have a high voice, Beavis!
Beavis: SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD, I don't talk like that!

Vince Neil, Sister of Pain[edit]

Beavis: Cool! Fire! Fire! FIRE!!!
Butt-head: What's wrong with you, Beavis? This sucks. Just because you have fire in your video doesn't mean you're cool.
Beavis: Yeah, but the fire itself is pretty cool.
Butt-head: No way, Beavis. Vince Neil's a wuss.

Butt-head: Mötley Crüe fired this dude.
Beavis: They fired him. FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
Butt-head: Tommy Lee should have shoved a drumstick up his butt.
Beavis: Yeah. That would've been cool.

Butt-head: Whoa! That chick's got metal pointy things on her boobs.

Vince Neil: She's a knockdown, drag it out, pick it up, do it again...
Beavis: She's a knockdown, drag it out, pick it up, do it again...?
Butt-head: What does that mean? Who writes this crap?
Beavis: Yeah. This sucks.

Nine Inch Nails, March of the Pigs[edit]

Butt-head: Those drums sound cool.
Beavis: Yeah. [Imitates drum sound]
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! I wonder what that drummer's listening to.
Beavis: He's probably listening to Pantera.
Butt-head: Yeah. Okay dude, get started. Put down your arms and start singing!

[ Trent Reznor starts singing]
Beavis: Yes! Yes!
Butt-head: Rock! [Beavis and Butt-head do their signature headbanging]

Butt-head: Where do these guys get these shiny pants?
Beavis: Yeah, really. I went into a store once and asked for some shiny pants, and they kicked my ass out of there.
Butt-head: Uh...I think you like just take regular pants and you like, have them shined.
Beavis: Oh really? But I do shine my pants.
Butt-head: You said douche.
Beavis: Really? Oh yeah. I douche-ine my pants.

Butt-head: [During the bridge of the song] This part of the song sucks.
Beavis: Yeah, really.
Butt-head: These guys need to just concentrate on rocking.
Beavis: Yeah, really. Rock! Rock!
Butt-head: [Bridge of song ends] Yeah. That's more like it.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! There you go.
Butt-head: This guy keeps on like, stumbling around and stuff.
Beavis: Yeah, it's like, I don't think he's having a very good day.
Butt-head: I think he's just drunk off his ass.
Beavis: [Reznor presses against keyboard] Hey, get your hand off his keyboard, butthole!
Butt-head: Yeah. These guys need to practice more.
Beavis: Yeah. They weren't very well prepared for this video.

Butt-head: [Farts towards the quiet end of song]
Beavis: Thank you very much, we're Nine Inch Nails.
Butt-head: Good night!

Nirvana, Heart-Shaped Box[edit]

Butt-head: Yes! Nirvana rules.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, this is cool! But, um, you know, this is cool and everything, but's it's like uh, this video's been giving me nightmares, Butt-head.
Butt-head: Cool. I wish I had nightmares about this video.
Beavis: I know Butt-head, these are pretty scary. I'ts like, I had this dream, that I'm like, Santa Claus, and I'm, like, on a cross, and there's these crows, like, picking at me. AAAHHH!!
Butt-head: Cool! I wish I had nightmares about this video!

Butt-head: This Sucks. It's like he pulls his hair out of his eyes, but then it just falls back in his eyes.
Beavis: So what? You got a problem with that?
Butt-head: Yeah.

Beavis: Whoa, this sucks. That room is cool. I think that's Kurt Cobain's bedroom. I'm gonna get my room set up like that with all, like, lit-up stars and stuff, and then, like, it's gonna be cool.
Butt-head: No you're not. You're never gonna get your room fixed up like that, and you're never gonna score.
Beavis: Shut up!
Butt-head: You're just gonna sit around for the rest of your life, spanking your monkey.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I am too gonna fix my room up! Butthole!

Nirvana, Smells Like Teen Spirit[edit]

Butt-Head: [Upon seeing the old janitor featured in the music video] Beavis's dad!

Butthead: Is this like, grudge music?
Beavis: Grudge music is that stuff that guys from Seattle play. Where is Seattle? Hey Butthead, where's Seattle?
Butthead: You don't know? It's that place where like stuff is really cool.

Kurt Cobain: Hello, hello, hello, hello...
Beavis: Hello? Hello? Hello, may I help you?

Nitzer Ebb, Fun to Be Had[edit]

Butt-head: Hi. I'm your tour guide. Welcome to Wuss Gardens.
Beavis: It was here that George Washington first chopped off his wiener. And then he lied.

Nitzer Ebb: An anchor!
Butt-head: [mocking their accents] Like an ankaa.
Beavis: Like an ankaa!
Butt-head: An ankaa.
Beavis: It's pronounced anchor! Anchor! Can you say that? Err! Err! Dumbass. Ank-err!

Nitzer Ebb: What you say should be from your own mind...
Butt-head: What you say should be from your own mind? That's stupid.
Beavis: Yeah really, because like, sometimes I can't hear all those voices in my mind, you know, and...wait a minute, Butt-head, I'm getting something. Mm-hm? Yeah? Butt-head, I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back. [exits, jabbers in Cornholio-style gibberish]
Butt-head: Hey Beavis! Come here! This sucks!
Beavis: Hang on a second, I'll be right out! [jabbers in Cornholio-style gibberish]

Mojo Nixon, Elvis is Everywhere[edit]

Beavis: Uh oh. I think it's one of those TV preachers.
Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, you'd better not send him all our money again.
Beavis: Sometimes I can't help myself. It's like, I start going "I know that's right. Hallelujah." And then I'm on the phone, and I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, here's all my money!"
Butt-head: Yeah, but it's like, you send him all your money and you're still just a dumbass with a lot of problems.
Beavis: Hey, you're right. [angry] Dammit! I got ripped off!

Mojo Nixon: Elvis is in your jeans!
Butt-head: Elvis is in our jeans?
Beavis: Hey Butt-head, check this out...Elvis has left my jeans!
Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, if you pull your pants down one more time I'm gonna beat the crap outta you!
Beavis: [impersonating Elvis] Thank you very much.

Butt-head: Hey Beavis, while you were fiddling with your wiener, I think he said that Elvis is like, in Joan Rivers.
Beavis: Whoa, really? That'd be cool. [impersonating Joan Rivers] Can we talk? I've got Elvis inside me!
Butt-head: Beavis, that doesn't sound anything like her.
Beavis: Oh. [impersonating Elvis] Thank you very much.

Beavis: Check it out, Butt-head, go-karts!
Butt-head: Go-karts rule.
Beavis: When I'm old, instead of a car, I'm gonna have a go-kart! [imitates an engine] Brrrrrffffftttt!!!

Ted Nugent, Heads Will Roll[edit]

[a guillotine falls and blood spatters all over the screen]

Butt-head: Ew! That was disgusting!
Beavis: Yeah really. That shouldn't show that kind of stuff on TV! Kids might be watching.

Beavis: Hey, it's that dude from Damn Yankees!
Butt-head: Oh yeah. Once I saw on MTV News that this dude likes to take, like, a bow and arrow and go like, shoot animals with it.
Beavis: No way, really? Doesn't he get in trouble?
Butt-head: No, I think it's okay. I think he can do that because he's like one of those, uh...Republicans.
Beavis: Really? I wanna become a Republican! That would rule!
Butt-head: But then like, I think once you become a Republican, it's like, you don't score anymore.
Beavis: Oh well. I guess I'll just keep being a Mexican, then.

Butt-head: They should chop other people's heads off in videos. That would be cool.
Beavis: Yeah, like in that Neil Diamond video. That's where they should be doing this!

[Ted Nugent's head is disembodied and is still alive]

Butt-head: He's trying to look all scary.
Beavis: He's probably gonna go to jail someday.
Butt-head: Well, that was pretty good, I guess.
Beavis: At least it was gruesome.

O[edit]

Oh Land, White Nights[edit]

Butt-head: You like this.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! No I don't!
Butt-head: Beavis, I just saw you tapping your foot.
Beavis: She's making me nervous! It's like, freaking me out. Sometimes I tap my foot when I'm nervous. And sometimes I, you know, hum along too.

Butt-head: Whoa! This is kinda freaky.
Beavis: Yeah, see what I mean?
Butt-head: This is one of those art school chicks that like, you could score with them if you told them all their ideas were really good.
Beavis: Yeah! Yeah, that's probably how she made this video! Just like, got some rich guy, and told him all her ideas were really good, and he's like, "ooh, yeah."
Butt-head: Yeah. She's like, "uh... I want a unicorn, but then I'm gonna tear the horn off and put it on my head."
Beavis: Ooh, very good! Yeah.
Butt-head: Have another drink and continue.
Beavis: And then, I also want my brother to tap dance. He's really good.
Butt-head: The rich guy's probably like, "uh... these are all great ideas, but uh... I think it would be really like, uh, really empowering if you took off your clothes and jumped off a cliff." And he's like "if you want, I can help you become a citizen."
Beavis: Yeah, I don't think I can help your brother though.

Butt-head: This is why hot girls shouldn't keep a dream journal.
Beavis: Oh, boy.

Donny Osmond, Sacred Emotion[edit]

Butt-Head: Is this one of those beer commercials?
Beavis: Yea, this is that one where that dude goes out in the desert, and then he opens up the beer and it starts snowing....."Step out of the old, and into the cold"...
Butt-Head: Uhh..."Nothing Beats a Butt!"

Butt-head: How come Donny's the only dude with his shirt on?
Beavis: 'Cause he's a wuss.
Butt-head: He probably has saggy pecs.

Butt-head: Did you know their dad, Lee Harvey Osmond, like, killed one of the presidents or something?
Beavis: Yeah, and I heard the whole Osmond family is a bunch of morons!
Butt-head: That's Mormons, buttwipe! Those are those dudes that come up to your house in bicycles.
Beavis: Oh yeah! Is this the Moron Tabernacle Choir?
Butt-head: Yeah. I hate this moron music.

Our Lady Peace, Starseed[edit]

Beavis: Hey, check it out, it's those "Black Hole Sun" mountains!
Butt-head: Oh yeah. I heard about that, it's like, there's these hills outside Seattle, and they call 'em the Black Hole Sun mountains. And it's like, they're just filled with bands and stuff.
Beavis: Whoa, really? That'd be cool if you could, like, take like a bus tour through the hills and see all the bands.
Butt-head: Yeah, that would kick ass! It'd be like: "Up on your left is Soundgarden".
Beavis: Yeah, yeah: "And if you be real quiet, we might see Alice in Chains!"
Butt-head: Yeah.
Beavis: "And, if you be real quiet, you might be able to see these buttmunches!"

Butt-head: Church.
Beavis: Yeah, church rules! Cuz like, there's always, like, snakes in church, and like, chicks getting it on, and like, dude's bleeding, and lots of guitars and stuff. Church rules!
Butt-head: Beavis, what the hell are you talking about? That's not what happens in church! You've never even been to church.
Beavis: I know, but I've seen it in videos and stuff, and like, there's always lots of smoke and snakes, and like, cool stuff.
Butt-head: Beavis, church isn't like that. I went to church once, and it's like, there was a bunch of buttmunches strumming guitars going: "Here we are, all together as we sing our song joyfully!"
Beavis: Yeah? Well, that song's pretty cool.
Butt-head: No it's not, Beavis. It sucks! And then it's like, you have to go up and like, this guy puts a cracker in your mouth and like, sprays water on you and stuff.
Beavis: Really? Well that sounds cool too! Yeah.
Butt-head: Uh, yeah I guess it is kind of cool.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, see, see? That's not that bad! "Here we are, alltogether as we sing our song..."
Beavis & Butt-head: "...joyfully! Keep the fire burning and kindle it with care. And we'll all join in and sing!"
Beavis: Yeah, sounds pretty cool!

Overkill, Hello From the Gutter[edit]

Beavis: Whoa! A flying skull. That's cool!
Butt-head: Yeah. It's too bad this music sucks.

Butt-head: Look at this guy!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! This, SUCKS!

Beavis: Hey, it's that flying skull again. That flying skull rules.
Butt-head: Yeah. He oughta, like, fly away and go into a video that doesn't suck.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, or he could, like, start his own show.
Butt-head: Yeah. I would watch it!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, me too!

Bobby Ellsworth: Hello from the gutter!
Beavis: What's he saying?
Butt-head: Uh, I think he's saying "yellow butter".
Beavis: Oh yeah.

Bobby Ellsworth: Welcome to the gutter! We've been expecting you! AHAHAHAHAHA!
Beavis: [doing a high-pitched impersonation] WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING YYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-AAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

P[edit]

Robert Palmer, Simply Irresistible[edit]

Butt-head: This dude looks like one of those drunk businessmen at those croaky-okey bars.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Remember that time we were looking in the window, and we saw that big fat slob? He was going, "I'm crazy..."
Butt-head: Then remember when that Chinese dude got up, and he sang, [mock-Chinese accent, sings] "You ain't nothing but hound dog, crying all the time"
Beavis: Oh yeah. And then he sang, [mock-Chinese accent, sings] "Love me tender, love me true, never let me go..." [mock-Chinese gibberish] Taekwondo, better than Thai boxing!
Butt-head: He didn't say that, Beavis!

Pantera, I'm Broken[edit]

Both: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Beavis: Turn it up, Butt-head, turn it up! Come on!
Butt-head: Okay Beavis. Don't cop that attitude with me. [turns the volume down]
Beavis: No, no, that's the wrong way, Butt-head, come on!
Butt-head: Oh. [turns the volume up as loud as it can go] Here we go.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, kick some ass!
Butt-head: Rock, rock, rock!
Beavis: Yeah! Yeah!

[they've turned the TV up as loud as it can go]
Beavis: [trying to yell above the noise] HEY BUTT-HEAD, THIS IS COOL, HUH?!
Butt-head: UHH, WHAT DID YOU SAY, BEAVIS?
Beavis: I SAID THIS IS COOL, HUH, IT ROCKS!!
Butt-head: UHH, WHAT?
Beavis: YEAH, YEAH!!

Beavis: THIS GUY'S A GOOD DANCER, HUH, BUTT-HEAD??
Butt-head: YEAH! HE'S PRETTY COOL!!
Beavis: IT'S LIKE, HE'S A GOOD DANCER, AND HE SINGS PRETTY COOL, AND HE, LIKE ROCKS!!
Butt-head: SHUT UP, BEAVIS!! I'M TRYING TO LISTEN!!
Beavis: OH YEAH, ME TOO, I'M TRYING TO LISTEN TOO!!

Beavis: HEY BUTT-HEAD, WILL THE TV GO UP ANY LOUDER??
Butt-head: LET ME SEE!! [presses the volume button on the remote to find it is at maximum level] UHH, I THINK THAT'S AS LOUD AS IT GOES!!
Beavis: DAMN IT!! WE NEED TO GET A LOUDER TV!!
Butt-head: LET'S GET CLOSER TO THE TV!!
Beavis: YEAH, OKAY!! NOW IT'S HURTING MY EYES AND MY EARS!!
Butt-head: YEAH!! THIS IS COOL!!

Pantera, Mouth For War[edit]

Butt-head: Yes!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah!
Butt-head: Pantera kicks everybody's ass.

Phil Anselmo: WRONG!!!
Butt-head: [imitates Anselmo's singing style] HUH HUH HUH HUUUUUUUUHHHHH!!!
Beavis: Keep singing, Butt-head, that was pretty good. Go on, do it again.
Butt-head: Uhh, okay. [imitates Anselmo's singing style] I BEEN WRONG FOR FAR TOO LONG!!!
Beavis: Yeah yeah! Right on, man. Rock!

Butt-head: This singer looks pretty mean.
Beavis: Do you think he gets all the chicks?
Butt-head: Probably not. I bet he, like, scares chicks.
Beavis: The only thing cooler than bands that get lots of chicks are bands that scare chicks.

Pantera, This Love[edit]

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, does this Pantera guy ever relax?
Butt-head: Uhh, I don't think so. This guy's dad must have kicked his ass when he was a kid.
Beavis: Yeah, really. He was like, "Dammit Pantera, this beer is warm! Get me another one!"
Butt-head: Yeah. He was like, "You treat your stepmother with respect, Pantera! Or you'll be sleeping in the street!"
Beavis: He's like, "Dammit Pantera, I told you to get out there and mow that lawn! Oh, what's this? Is that a tear, Pantera? Oh, is daddy's little girl upset? I'm gonna kick your ass into next Tuesday, now get outta here! And quit acting like a damn little girl!"

Pavement, Cut Your Hair[edit]

Beavis: Ummm, is this one of those sneaker ads where like, those basketball players sit around in a barber shop?
Butt-head: Uhhh, yeah. Only it's, like, a bunch of white guys. And white music.
Beavis: Yeah. It's "BUTT-WIPE" music! Hey, where'd that cat come from?
Butt-head: Uhhh, I think it came out his nose.
Beavis: Um, is that supposed to be funny?
Butt-head: Uhh, it's supposed to be. It would have been funny if it came out of his butt!
Beavis: Why is that, I mean, how come it like, if it comes out of his nose, it's not that funny, but like, if it comes out of his butt, it's funny? Why is that?
Butt-head: Well, it's 'cause like, your butt has a crack in it.
Beavis: Oh yeah!

[one of the band members trips over a table]
Butt-head: What a wuss!

Beavis: I hate it when you go to the barber, and it's like, he starts cutting your hair and then he goes: "Soooo, how's school?"
Butt-head: Yeah. I usually say: "It sucks. Now shut up and cut my hair before I stick that comb up your butt!"
Beavis: You know, Butt-head, um, maybe that's why you get all those sucky hair cuts, y'know? Maybe you should try being a little nicer, yeah.
Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna shove a comb up your butt! My hair looks cool!

Pavement, Rattled by the Rush[edit]

Butt-head: Oh no, it's another one of these. [Beavis groans] They need to try harder.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, it's like, they're not even trying! Come on, come on! I want you to start over again, and this time, try! Come on, let's go, pick it up, come on, come on, here we go! Come on, one, two, three, four, yeah, come on! Come on, rock!

Butt-head: This is just horrible.
Beavis: If you're gonna be horrible, at least, like, you know, kick ass! You know, like Jesus Lizard! I mean, they suck, but they kick ass!

Butt-head: I think these guys are just lazy.
Beavis: Yeah, really. They're too lazy to rock, and they're too lazy to clean the tub.
Butt-head: These guys are so lazy, they probably take a dump in the tub.
Beavis: Heh, I do that sometimes. Poop!
Butt-head: You poop in the tub?
Beavis: Yeah. And then sometimes, I just pee all over the whole bathroom. Pee pee pee pee pee!
Butt-head: You're disgusting, Beavis!
Beavis: Heheh, yeah.

Katy Perry, Firework[edit]

Beavis: You know, um, I have to say, um, I kind of like this song.
Butt-head: Uh... okay, Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah! Sometimes, um, if I'm not feeling to good about myself, I'll like, put this song on and like, put some fireworks in my pants, and I start to feel better.
Butt-head: Uh, do you light the fireworks?
Beavis: Well, yeah, I tried, but everytime I put the lighter down there, in my pants, it just goes out. I need longer fuses or something. Like a longer lighter.
Butt-head: You're a dumbass, Beavis.

Katy Perry: You don't have to feel like a waste of space...
Beavis: My guidance counselor said the same thing, you know, I don't have to feel like a waste of space, but when Katy Perry says it, she has fireworks coming out of her boobs, kind of uh, kind of gives me a special feeling, you know what I'm saying?
Butt-head: Yeah, except Katy Perry's not talking about you, Beavis. She's talking about that Dove model by the pool. You are a waste of space.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head.
Butt-head: You're more like that part of the song before where she's talking about the plastic bag floating around, but like, if it floated into a trash can, and then a bunch of stinky homeless dudes peed all over it.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
Butt-head: You're not a firework.
Beavis: DAMMIT BUTT-HEAD! SHUT UP! [Kicks Butt-head in the testicles] I am a firework!
Butt-head: [in agony] Dammit, Beavis...
Beavis: I'm an M-80.

Tom Petty, It's Good to Be King[edit]

Butt-head: Hey, that's that kid from that Losing My Religion video.
Beavis: Yeah, but I thought he got shot with an arrow or something.
Butt-head: Yeah. Dumbass.
Beavis: Yeah, really.

Tom Petty: It's good to get high...
Butt-head: It's good to get high?
Beavis: What kind of message is that sending?

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, did you see that guy, he had like, mirrors all over himself?
Butt-head: Yeah.
Beavis: That'd be cool if you had mirrors all over your clothes like that, and then like, you could use them to see your own taint. That would be cool.
Butt-head: I don't wanna see my taint. That's stupid.
Beavis: See, I'm always thinking.

Beavis: Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, it's Velvet Jones!
Butt-head: Oh yeah. He's cool. [imitates Eddie Murphy] Hi! I'm Velvet Jones.
Beavis: Yeah , yeah. [also impersonating Eddie Murphy] Hah! Ah'm Vevvet Jones! Dis is mah book, "How to Be a Ho"! [normal voice] Yeah, it's about time someone put him in a video!

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, how come Tom Petty is famous?
Butt-head: Because he's on TV, dumbass.
Beavis: Yeah, but how did he get on TV?
Butt-head: Because he's famous.
Beavis: Yeah, but, I mean, like, how did he get famous?
Butt-head: He got famous because he's on TV.
Beavis: YEAH, YEAH, BUT HOW DID HE GET ON TV?!
Butt-head: Because he's famous, Beavis! Now shut up before I smack the bejesus out of you!

Phish, Down With Disease[edit]

Butt-head: Whoa! They're, like, diving into the fishtank! That's cool!
Beavis: Diving into the what?
Butt-head: The fishtank, Beavis!
Beavis: Oh. I thought those things were, like, just really fancy clear toilets. I usually take a leak in those things.
Butt-head: Beavis, you think everything's a toilet.
Beavis: Well, there's fish in there, right? They go to the bathroom in there, right?
Butt-head: Yeah.
Beavis: So it's a toilet. See?
Butt-head: Yeah. They drink their own wee-wee.
Beavis: Fish are stupid.
Butt-head: They're like "Uhh, I guess I'll take a dump and then swim around in it."

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, check this out. Do you like sea food?
Butt-head: Uh, yeah. [Beavis opens his mouth wide] Beavis, that joke only works if you have food in your mouth. Dumbass.
Beavis: Well, use your imagination, dillhole.

Pink Floyd, High Hopes[edit]

Butt-head: Oh no, is this Yanni? [pause] Uhh...oh, this is Pink Floyd.
Beavis: Are they from England?
Butt-head: Yep. Just another gang of wussies from England.

Beavis: You know, I'd really like to go to England. You wanna know why, Butt-head?
Butt-head: Uhh, okay.
Beavis: Because, um, I just think, like you know, since everybody's a wussy over there, you know, I could just go around and kick everybody's ass, and then I could probably get some chicks because I'd be the only guy who's not a wussy. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Butt-head: Uhh, I think you'd probably be even be a wussy, like you know, to them.
Beavis: No way, Butt-head, I could kick some ass. They'd be like [sings] "The grass was greener..." and then I'd come up and kick 'em in the nads - "Wha-ha!" - and then I would score.
Butt-head: Yeah, but I think their nads are so small in England that, like, it'd be pretty easy to miss.
Beavis: Well, okay, so I'd kick 'em in somewhere else. Just...just shut up, you always mess up my...my dreams! Butthole!
Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis.

Beavis: You know, if you didn't know anything about these guys, and just heard the name "Pink Floyd", and then you heard this crap, you know, you'd probably think that it was just like, total wuss music.
Butt-head: Uhh, it is wuss music, Beavis.

Beavis: Whoa, look! Big bingo balls!

Pizzicato Five, Twiggy, Twiggy[edit]

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, check this out. [sings in a fake Mexican accent] Let us put the man and woman together and find out which one is smarter...that was cool

Beavis: What language is this?
Butt-head: Uh...I think it's like...French.
Beavis: Really?
Butt-head: Or Mexican, or something.
Beavis: I can sing in French; check this out. [Beavis sings in a fake Japanese accent; the only coherent words are "taco supremo]
Butt-head: That was pretty good, Beavis! You sound just like those dudes.

Beavis: Whoa! Check it out, Butt-head! That's that guy from My Three Sons! That's Ernie from My Three Sons! See? Back in the doorway? That's him!
Butt-head: Oh yeah! That is him. Check this out. [Imitates Ernie] Hey Uncle Charley. Seems like a lot of work to me.
Beavis: [Also imitating Ernie] Hey Uncle Charley. I think I'll go put on a stupid dork outfit and go dance like a wuss for a while.
Butt-head: [Continuously imitating Ernie] Hey Uncle Charley. I think me and Chip are gonna dance around like a bunch of dorks.
Beavis: And then, like, Uncle Charley's like [Imitates Uncle Charley] Dammit Ernie, I’m trying to make a cake here! Will you get out of the kitchen and quit acting like a dork?!
Butt-head: [laughs] Yeah.
Beavis: Yeah. My three son-of-a-bitches.

Buster Poindexter, Zat You Santa Claus?[edit]

Buster: ZAT YOU, SANTY CLAUS!?!?
[Beavis does a spit take]
Butt-head: This guy seems pretty cool!

Butt-head: Look at his nose! I bet this guy could pick his nose with his big toe!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! That's cool! I do that sometimes!
Butt-head: Oh yeah? That's pretty cool.

Butt-head: Hey Beavis.
Beavis: What?
Butt-head: If you eat your own boogers, does that make you, like, one of those "cannibists"?
Beavis: Yeah, it makes you one of those, one of those uh, uh, "cannilbulsists"!
Butt-head: How come boogers don't, like, stink?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's like, they look ugly, so it's like you think they would stink.
Butt-head: Yeah. Actually, I think they look pretty cool!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, me too!

Poison, I Want Action[edit]

Butt-head: This is so horrible, I can't even begin to talk about how much this sucks.
Beavis: Yeah yeah, really. Look at these buttknockers!

Butt-head: Remember back when they used to play videos by these guys all the time?
Beavis: Yeah, that really sucked.
Butt-head: Yeah. It's a good thing they're gone.
Beavis: Yeah, really.

Beavis: Wait a minute. That dude right there, I think he's that dude who drives the snack truck now.
Butt-head: Oh yeah. That's right, he's got a mustache now, and he's just got long hair in the back.

Butt-head: I bet these guys like practice their little wussy dance movies.
Beavis: Yeah. Guitars up! Two, three, four and kick!

Beavis: It's like, [high-pitched voice] Bobby, I smeared my lipstick when I kissed my finger. Can I borrow some of yours?
Butt-head: You're a little too good at that, Beavis.

[the names of the band members are flashed onscreen]

Butt-head: Bobby. C.C., and Brettt!
Beavis: And don't forget Rikki!

Poison, Unskinny Bop[edit]

Butt-head: Uhh...y'know I don't say this too often, but uh, this sucks.
Beavis: Ummm, you say that all the time, actually.
Butt-head: Uhhh...oh yeah.

Beavis: And to think that this dude used to boff Pamela Anderson.
Butt-head: Like that would ever happen.
Beavis: I think it did happen. But anyway, she's on this thing with, um, this guy, his name is...Anthony Roberts, he has these tapes, and these things, and he makes you feel good. She watched him, and now she has huge hooters and she's on TV. It's pretty cool, I was thinking of getting some of those tapes.
Butt-head: Yeah, you'd look good with big hooters, Beavis.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. You know that's not what I meant.

Beavis: You know who else Pamela Anderson boffed, is, uh, Scott Baio.
Butt-head: Uhh, really?

Butt-head: You know, this Poison dude kinda looks like Pamela Anderson.
Beavis: Yeah, you know, I was thinking, y'know, if he got some hooters, maybe he could be on Baywatch. You know, since his career sucks now, he probably doesn't have a job.

Iggy Pop, Butt Town[edit]

Iggy Pop: The cops are well-groomed, with muscled physiques in Butt Town...
Butt-head: Butt Town?
Beavis: Yeah, that's what he said! He said Butt Town!
Butt-head: This is cool!
Beavis: Butt Town!

Iggy Pop: If you live in Butt Town....
Butt-head: Yeah! If you live in Butt Town...
Iggy Pop: ...you gotta get down.
Butt-head: Yeah! You gotta get down!
Beavis: Butt Town! Yeah!
Butt-head: Butt Town rules.

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, where is Butt Town?
Butt-head: I don't know, but I'm gonna find a map and go there.
Beavis: Can I come too?
Butt-head: Uh... no, Beavis. Dumbass.

Butt-head: This song has the best lyrics I've ever heard.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! How did this guy come up with this stuff? Butt Town! You live in Butt Town, you gotta get down!
Butt-head: Yeah. This dude should hook up with Sir Mix-a-Lot, and they can like, sit around and talk about butts and stuff.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! I'd like to see that.

Primal Scream, Rocks[edit]

Bobby Gillespie: Whores keep whoring, junkies keep scoring...
Beavis: Um...wha'd he say?
Butt-head: Uh...I think he said something about whores, and like, junk.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Whores and garbage, that's pretty cool.
Butt-head: Yeah, you can't beat that.
Beavis: Yeah I can!
Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis. [slaps Beavis, who screams] Don't start with me today.
Beavis: I wasn't. I was starting with me.

Bobby Gillespie: Get your rocks off, get your rocks off, honey...
Beavis: Hey Butt-head what's he saying? Get your rock salt? What's rock salt?
Butt-head: Uh...you know, like, doing it.
Beavis: Oh, really? It seems like uh...like most songs are about doing it.
Butt-head: Uh...yeah. You got a problem with that, Beavis?
Beavis: Uh, no...
Butt-head: That's the way it should be.
Beavis: Uh...oh yeah.

Butt-head: This like, uh... kinda rocks.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, like you know... rock salt.
Butt-head: Okay, Beavis.

Beavis: Whoa, Butt-head, I just saw a girl's butt!
Butt-head: There's a lot of chick's butts in here, Beavis.
Beavis: No, I mean she was naked!
Butt-head: You're not allowed to show a naked butt on TV!
Beavis: Well, it looked like she was naked. And it was pretty cool.

Primus, DMV[edit]

Beavis: Is this the Benny Hill Show?
Butt-head: No, there aren't any chicks in bikinis.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Hey, this is Primus! [sings] My name is M-M-M-M-M-Mud!
Butt-head: Maybe this guy will spit again.

Les Claypool: If I had my druthers, I'd screw a chimpanzee...
Butt-head: Whoa, did you hear that? I think he just said "If I had my druthers, I'd screw a chimpanzee".
Beavis: Really? Hey Butt-head, let's go get some druthers.

Beavis: You know what this video needs, it needs like, a toilet
Butt-head: Why would they put a toilet in here, Beavis? It doesn't have anything to do with toilets. It's about...uhh...I don't know.
Beavis: I don't care.

Beavis: Whoa, check it out Butt-head, Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots. Kick 'em in the nads!
Butt-head: Robots don't have nads, dumb ass!
Beavis: Mine do. I glued 'em on. I put nads on all my action figures. I use, like, beadies and raisins and stuff.
Butt-head: That's disgusting, Beavis!

Primus, My Name is Mud[edit]

Butt-head: That looks like that dude from Deliverance.
Beavis: Remember that part with that pig?
Butt-head: That wasn't a pig, Beavis. That was Ned Beatty.
Beavis: I watched that movie seven times.
Butt-head: Me too. Squeal like a pig, boy!
Beavis: Yeah!

Prince, The Most Beautiful Girl in the World[edit]

[Prince is wearing tight pants and his penis can be seen bulging]

Butt-head: Whoa! Check out his unit!
Beavis: Whoa, this chick is flat!
Butt-head: Beavis, you see that unit?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
Butt-head: That means it's not a chick.
Beavis: Oh, oh yeah. I wasn't looking.

Beavis: I wonder what the most beautiful chick in the world looks like.
Butt-head: Uh, well, she has to be naked.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. And she'd have to have boobs.
Butt-head: Uhh, yeah. It'd also be cool if she had a butt, too.
Beavis: Yeah! That would rule! And also like, if her butt was naked!
Butt-head: Uhh, yeah. Well, you know, when I said she'd have to be naked, I meant, you know, down there.
Beavis: Yeah, really.

Butt-head: You know Beavis, I was looking at your mom naked once.
Beavis: Really? How come you were naked?
Butt-head: No, Beavis! Your mom was naked.
Beavis: Oh yeah.
Butt-head: You know how Prince is searching for the most beautiful chick in the world?
Beavis: Yeah.
Butt-head: Well, he doesn't need to go anywhere near your house.
Beavis: Shut up, butthole! I'm sick of you badmouthing my mom!
Butt-head: [chuckles] Mouthing?
Beavis: [laughs] Oh yeah, mouthing! Bad mouthing!

Prong, Prove You Wrong[edit]

Butt-head: Cool! This sounds pretty cool.
Beavis: Yeah! It kicks, BUTT! Hey, check out the skull.
Butt-head: That's not a skull, Beavis. That's just like, a really ugly dude.

Butt-head: I wish, like, in school, they would teach something practical, like, heavy metal.
Beavis: Yeah! They should have, like, "Heavy Metal Choir"!
Butt-head: Yeah!
Beavis: UP-UP-URAGH UP-UP-UH-UH-UH-UH-RRRAAAAGGHHH!!!

Butt-head: This is cool.
Beavis: Yeah! This video has cool looking stuff in it.
Butt-head: Yeah. Even though it's not on the screen long enough to see what it is, you could still tell it's cool.

Butt-head: Y'know what makes this band COOL?
Beavis: Yeah! Ah, uh, I mean, what?
Butt-head: They have two dudes who are good screamers, and they like, take turns screaming.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! "PROVE YOU WRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNGGG!!!!!!" Yeah!
Butt-head: Screaming is cool!
Beavis: Yeah! "AAAAAAAAARRRRAAAAAAAAGGHHH, PROVE YOU WRONG, AGHAGAHA!!!!!"

Public Image Ltd., The Body[edit]

Butt-head: That guy has a disease.
Beavis: Yeah. He's got wussy-itis.
Butt-head: First it causes your hair to turn red, then your butt falls off.

Butt-head: Hey Beavis. Have you ever had an operation?
Beavis: Yeah, heh heh. I had my tonsils removed.
Butt-head: Woah. That means you were neutered, dude.
Beavis: No way. Really?
Butt-head: Dude, that's what they do when they remove your testicles.
Beavis: Heh...cool.

R[edit]

R.E.M., Shiny Happy People[edit]

Butt-head: (Scoffs) Happiness.
Beavis: Um...you said penis. I just thought I'd tell you that.
Butt-head: I know! Why do you think they call it happiness?
Beavis: Oh yeah! Because when you're weiner's happy, you're happy.

Beavis: You know, I wasn't feeling very good when this song started...um, I feel pretty good now! Feeling pretty happy; shiny.
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! You're a miserable piece of crap.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I'm happier than you.
Butt-head: No way, Beavis! You're miserable because nobody likes you, chicks don't like you, you're not good at anything...
Beavis: Yeah, but um, I'm hung like a horse!

Radiohead, Fake Plastic Trees[edit]

Beavis: Ahhhhhhhh, yeah. I like to mellow out to this song.
Butt-head: Yeah. Let's get a little mellow.
Beavis: Sometimes if I have a boner that won't go down, I listen to this kind of music.

Butt-head: Hey, that looks like that dude...uhh, he was on TV, and then they made cartoon out of him.
Beavis: Oh yeah. He's got that shirt, and then his hair's all in a point on the top of his head. Yeah, what's his name?
Butt-head: Uhh...yeah, what is his name?
Beavis: Dammit...he's always going, "I must say,"
Butt-head: And then he's always saying he's gonna be on Wheel of Fortune, and he's, like, all into Pat Sajak. Uhh, Wigley? Smegley?
Beavis: No, no. Dammit. What's his name? Dammit! This guy looks just like him. Dammit! I'm forgetting everything! I can't remember anything anymore! Hey Butt-head, try smacking me. But just once.
Butt-head: Uhh, sure. [slaps Beavis several times]
Beavis: AHH! OWW!! Um...Ed Grimley!
Butt-head: Oh yeah, that's the dude. I oughta hit you more often, Beavis.
Beavis: You hit me?
Butt-head: Yeah. [Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles] AAAAAHHHH!!!
Beavis: Bunghole! Don't ever hit me again!

Railroad Jerk, Rollerkoaster[edit]

Beavis: Woah. Is she Chinese?
Butt-head: I think that's that Connie Schlong chick that called the president's mom a bitch on TV.

Lead singer: But sex!
Butt-head: Butt sex?

Beavis: How come that guy's wearing his mom's coat?
Butt-head: Uh, I think that's your mom's coat, Beavis. I think he's wearing it to show that he did her.
Beavis: Oh, oh, yeah, heh, what a slut. Woah, look, they're all wearing them.
Butt-head: I have one of those coats in my closet right now.
Beavis: You know, um, heh, you should go easy on my mom, Butt-head.
Butt-head: Isn't she already easy enough?
Beavis: Enough!

Beavis: Um, I'd like to talk about rollercoasters for a minute.
Butt-head: [humoring him] Okay, Beavis.
Beavis: You know how like, sometimes you're on a rollercoaster and it feels like your nads are floating inside your sack?
Butt-head: Uh, yeah.
Beavis: Well um, heh, it gives me a special feeling. I also get that on elevators sometimes.
Butt-head: Uh, oh yeah, me too. I kinda get a special feeling in my buttcheeks when an elevator goes down.

Butt-head: Uh, that looks kinda like Conan O'Brien.
Beavis: Oh, yeah. I heard he has a gigantic schlong.
Butt-head: Uh, no. You're thinking of me, Beavis.
Beavis: No. I was thinking of me, actually. Doi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

The Rake's Progress, I'll Talk My Way Out Of This One[edit]

Beavis: [seeing a man milking a cow] Check it out, that dude's choking the cow's chicken!
Butt-head: No he's not, bungmunch. That's how you get milk.
Beavis: Um...you have to spank a cow's monkey to get milk??
Butt-head: No, you squeeze its boobs!
Beavis: Wow. Really?? I didn't know a cow had boobs. I thought it just had, you know, that big nutsack with all the wieners hanging off it.

Butt-head: I like it when old people let their mouths hang open, cause they don't remember to close it.
Beavis: Yeah. I think I'm gonna do that right now. [Beavis lets his jaw hang open] This feels kinda good.
Butt-head: Maybe I'll try it. [Butt-head lets his jaw hang open] This is pretty cool.

Butt-head: You know another cool thing about cows? They get to chew their own cud.
Beavis: Really?
Butt-head: Yeah. I learned it that time we went on that field trip to the dairy.
Beavis: Well, um, was I there?
Butt-head: Yeah, but you spent the whole time staring at the goat's nads.

Ramones, Substitute[edit]

[the video opens with a man giving a lecture]
Butt-head: Uhh, where are the drums?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah and the guitars and stuff.
Butt-head: Uhh, maybe this is rap.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Um, it's missing something though.
Butt-head: Yeah. It doesn't rhyme.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, he needs to bust a move or something.
Butt-head: Yeah, he needs to take off those damn glasses too.
Beavis: No way, Butt-head, maybe he needs them to see. Did you ever think of that?

Beavis: Whoa, Butt-head, that's your Uncle Jack!
Butt-head: No it's not.
Beavis: Yeah it is! Hey Jack, how's it goin'? That was him!
Butt-head: No it wasn't, Beavis! He's alot fatter than that.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, that must've been him 'cause he was comin' outta, like, one of those, uh, naked places.
Butt-head: Oh yeah! I think that was him!

Joey Ramone: But I'm a substitute...
Beavis: Did he say prostitute? I think he said prostitute, Butt-head!
Butt-head: No he didn't, he's talking about, y'know like, substitute teachers?
Beavis: Oh yeah, [a painting of Kojak is shown for a split second] KOJAK! Um, so uh, what was I saying?
Butt-head: Uh, you said something 'bout Kojak.
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. They should have, like, prostitute teachers.
Butt-head: Yeah, they could get your mom to come in!
Beavis: Oh yeah, she's a slut!

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, check it out, it's Lemmy! And that chick from White Zombie! Yeah!
Butt-head: Uhhh, yeah that is Lemmy.
Beavis: What's he doing in this video?
Butt-head: He's Lemmy. He can walk into any damn video he wants!
Beavis: Oh yeah, that's probably because he rules! Hey look, Butt-head, someone's hassling your Uncle Jack!
Butt-head: Yeah, he's not supposed to be in a bar!
Beavis: Oh yeah, he always gets all drunk and gets in a fight! And then calls up!
Butt-head: Yeah, he says: [disoriented] "Uhhhhhh hey Butt-head, bluuh, you think you could come down here? Uh huh huh huh."
Beavis: Yeah! Next time he does that, we should go.

Rancid, Nihilism[edit]

Butt-head: Uhuhuhuhuh, honor students.
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah.
Butt-head: It's like, this video looks like one of those old punk bands, you know, but it's like, the video doesn't look old, so it's like, it seems like a bunch of guys now, they're like--
Beavis: Aah, shut up Butt-head!
Butt-head: Uh, okay. Uh, I mean, Beavis, what did you just say?
Beavis: I said shut up! I'm sick and tired of listening to your stupid crap. Just shut up.
Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. "I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that." Shut up!
Butt-head: Beavis, there's gonna be two hits: my hand hitting your face, and uh...my hand hitting your face again.
Beavis: Yeah right, and I'm gonna kick you in the nads. Just shut up.
Butt-head: Beavis, don't you ever tell me to shut up. I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you.
Beavis: Yeah yeah yeah right. I'm gonna cave your nads in.
Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis. I'm going to beat the living crap out of your ass.
Beavis: [kicks Butt-head in the testicles, causing him to fall to the floor] Take that, dumbass. Shut up. Yeah yeah, shut up. I'm gonna go get something to eat. [walks away]
Butt-head: [In pain] Beavis, get back here and fight like a man!

Rednex, Cotton Eyed Joe[edit]

Butt-head: Uhh...what is this?
Beavis: Oh, I know. This is that song "Cotton-Eyed Joe", we used to sing this in kindergarten.
Butt-head: Oh yeah. I remember that. Kindergarten was cool.
Beavis: Yeah. Kindergarten ruled. They'd give us, like, fingerpaints, and you'd just, like, mess everything up and then you'd, like, drink a bunch of Kool-Aid and then go, like, lie down on your little towel. That rules
Butt-head: That was back when school was cool.
Beavis: Yeah, really. And then sometimes, I'd go running around with my pants down, and I wouldn't get in trouble.

Butt-head: Remember that time in kindergarden, when we were playing store and you called the teacher a whore? And then you tried to give her some of that play money?
Beavis: Heh, yeah. I think that was the first time I ever got some.
Butt-head: You didn't get any, dumbass. She just spanked you and told you to shut up.

Reverend Horton Heat, Psychobilly Freakout[edit]

Jim Heath: It's a Psychobilly Freakout!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, it's a Psychobilly Freakout! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
Butt-head: This dude is weird!
Beavis: Yeah. He's like, our kind of people.
Butt-head: Uh, I think I used to see this guy down at Maxi-Mart, like, playing video games all day and like, drinking Slushies.
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah, I heard he got a million points on Centipede once.
Butt-head: Yeah. He's cool!

Jim: It's a Psychobilly Freakout!
Beavis: It's a Psychobilly Freakout! Yeah, yeah! That's what it is, Butt-head! It's a Psychobilly Freakout! Everybody pull down your pants, [shaking] ah-YEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Beavis: Um, heh, hey Butt-head, what kind of music is this?
Butt-head: Uh...
Jim: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IIIISS!!!
Butt-head: Uh huh huh huh huh.
Jim: IT'S SOME KINDA TEXAS PSYCHOBILLY FREAKOUT, THAT'S WHAT IT IIISS!!!
Butt-head: I think it's, like, some kind of country music, but it's, like, country music after you've been, like, playing Centipede for, like, twenty four hours.
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. This would make good music to play, like, while your playing Centipede? It's like, y'know, instead of you just goin' around goin': "DUN DUN DUN DUN DIDDLE-A DA DA DUN DUN DUN DUN DIDDLE-A DA!" Heheheheh, yeah, yeah!
Butt-head: I bet you could score a lot of points.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Yeah, maybe you could score! Yeah!

Reverend Horton Heat, Wiggle Stick[edit]

Beavis: Whoa, snakes are cool.
Butt-head: Yeah. I've got a good feeling about this video.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, me too.

Beavis: [singing along badly] I got a wiggle stick, mama! [normal voice] I got a wiggle stick.
Butt-head: Well, don't wiggle it here.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah, get him! Get him in the butt! Yeah! Yeah, yeah! Get him! Get him! Get him in the butt! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis.

Butt-head: Did I mention that this is cool?
Beavis: Um, I don't think so.

Rollins Band, Disconnect[edit]

Beavis: Whoa, hey Butt-head, check it out, it's a liar..."Liar, Liar, I'll rip your guts out! I'll kick your ass! Liar!"
Butt-head: Shut up! Those aren't the words.
Beavis: Whoa, whores! Check it out, Butt-head, whores!
Butt-head: Yeah. Whores rules.

Rollins Band, Liar[edit]

Henry Rollins: So you think you're gonna live your life alone...
Beavis: Yeah!
Henry Rollins: ...in darkness and seclusion.
Beavis: Darkness rules!
Henry Rollins: ...and then you meet me.
Beavis: Yeah, I'd like to meet you. That'd be cool.
Butt-head: He's talking to a chick, Beavis.

[Henry Rollins is wearing a Superman outfit with the letter "R" on his chest]
Butt-head: Hey, isn't that the wrong letter on his chest?
Beavis: Oh yeah, isn't it supposed to be like a five on there, or something?
Butt-head: Yeah. Maybe because like he's a liar, he put the wrong letter on there?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. He's a liar. Liar!
Butt-head: Lying rules.

S[edit]

Sagat, Why Is It? (Funk Dat)[edit]

Sagat: Question...
Butt-head: Queshtun.
Beavis: Queshtun.
Butt-head: That's pretty good, Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah, thanks.

Sagat: Question!
Beavis: [parroting Sagat] Queshtun!
Sagat: Why is it that every time I turn on the radio...
Beavis: Why is it that every time I turn on the rrradio...
Sagat: I hear the same five songs fifteen times a day for three months...
Butt-head: Question. Why is it that Beavis is fiddling with his wiener fifteen times a day for three months?
Beavis: Shut up!
Butt-head: Funk dat!
Beavis: Question! Why is it that every time I ask Butt-head to change the channel because a video sucks, he never does it? Funk dat!

Butt-head: They should get this guy on that 16 Minutes show instead of that old Mickey Rooney dude they got. He sucks.
Beavis: Check this out, Butt-head. [imitates Andy Rooney] You know what I don't understand? Why is it that every time I pick my nose, it's full again in a few minutes? Funk dat!
Butt-head: You sound just like that buttmunch.
Beavis: Check this out, too. [imitates Andy Rooney again] How come they call it taking a dump and not leaving a dump? I mean after all, you're not really taking it anywhere. Funk dat!

Sausage, Riddles Are Abound Tonight[edit]

Butt-head: What the hell is this?
Beavis: Um, I think this is Primus.
Butt-head: No, this is the Seminefrious Tubloidial Buttnoids.
Beavis: Really?
Butt-head: These guys, like, crawl up into people's butts, and, like, go exploring.

Beavis: We should see these guys in concert.
Butt-head: Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, the Seminefrious Tubloidial Buttnoids.
Beavis: The Seminefrious Tubloidial Buttnoids have left your pants.

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, what are those lights for?
Butt-head: That's so they can see when they're crawling around inside your butt.
Beavis: No way, you mean it's dark in your butt?
Butt-head: Yeah. You know when they say "Stick it where the sun don't shine"? They're talking about your butt.
Beavis: Oh. I thought it meant, like, under your pillow, or something. But if it's dark inside your butt, how do the turds find their way out?
Butt-head: I think they can see in the dark, like bats.
Beavis: Oh. That makes a lot of sense.

Scorpions, Rock You Like a Hurricane[edit]

Beavis: Is this Michael Jackson?
Butt-head: I think this is where he sleeps.
Beavis: Nah, he told Oprah he doesn't sleep in the hyperbolic chamber. He has a skin disease.
Butt-head: You watch Oprah?! [laughs] What a wuss.
Beavis: Shut up, butthole! I just watched it that once because I thought they'd show his hair on fire.

Butt-head: I'm not just a Hair Club member, I'm also the president.
Beavis: Heh-heh...you said "member."

Seven Year Bitch, Hip Like Junk[edit]

Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah, I've seen this before! This chick beats herself in the head later. It's cool.
Butt-head: Uh...oh yeah! This is gonna be cool.

Beavis: You know what this band is called? It's called 7 Year BITCH!
Butt-head: It's like, when a band has a name like 7 Year BITCH, it's like, they don't need to be very good.
Beavis: Also, it helps when [suave voice] they're sexy! Yeah! Ooh, that's a fine lady! These are some fine ladies!

Beavis: Uh...okay, here it comes. [Lead singer hits her open hands against her head] YEAH, COME ON, HIT YOURSELF! YEAH!
Butt-head: She kinda looks like she got a little special feeling from doing that.

Selene Vigil: We're all so smart, and we're all so dense...
Butt-head: Uh...I think this song is supposed to be about how we're all stupid and stuff.
Beavis: What do you mean? Like WE'RE stupid, or like everybody's stupid?
Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, I don't know! I'm not some rocket...some rocketship or something.

Shaggy, Boombastic[edit]

Shaggy: Mr. Boombastic!
Beavis: Yeah! [imitating Shaggy] Yeah, Bombastic! Here it is!
Butt-head: [putting on a foreign accent in imitation] Mr. Romantic, Mr. Bombastic.
Beavis: [babbles faux-Shaggy gibberish, the only comprehensible words are "romantic" and "bombastic"]

Beavis: Bombastic! Yeah. [imitating Shaggy] BOMB-BAS-TIC! De bombastic.

Beavis: What does "bombastic" mean, anyway?
Butt-head: Well, it's like, bombastic is even better than fantastic. It's like, if you were scoring with a chick, you'd be saying "Uhh, this is bombastic".
Beavis: Really? I was thinking, if I was gonna score, I'd be going "Yeah, hoowah, spatang, spatang, yeah, tap dat ass!", you know, stuff like that.
Butt-head: Really? I ever score I'm gonna be going [impersonating Shaggy] "This is fantastic, Mr. bombastic."
Beavis: Smooth.

Beavis: What is this accent he's talking in?
Butt-head: Dumbass, it's foreign!
Beavis: Oh yeah.

[Beavis humps the couch whilst Butt-head looks at him in shock]

Butt-head: Damn it Beavis, cut that out!
Beavis: [imitating Shaggy] Bombastic, Mr. Fantastic...

Shonen Knife, Tomato Head[edit]

Butt-head: Uh...oh no.
Beavis: This isn't very good, Butt-head.
Butt-head: Thank you, Beavis, like I couldn't have figured that out myself.
Beavis: Yeah, anytime.
Butt-head: Boy, this really isn't very good.
Beavis: Yeah, I know Butt-head. Tell me something I don't know.
Butt-head: Uh...OK. Know the last time you went to the bathroom?
Beavis: Yeah?
Butt-head: I hocked a lugie in your Coke, and you drank it.
Beavis: Um...uh...
Butt-head: It was cool.
Beavis: I knew that! I spit it out.
Butt-head: No you didn't, you drank it.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I took a dump on a cracker you were eating one time.
Butt-head: Yeah, I remember that, but I didn't eat it.
Beavis: Yeah, but it was cool! You ate the cracker.
Butt-head: Yeah. I took the turd off and finished the cracker.

Butt-head: By the way, this video really sucks, Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah, really. Tell me something I don't--uh, I mean, this sucks!

Shudder to Think, Hit Liquor[edit]

Beavis: Whoa, check it out, it's Don Henley! I didn't know he was a wuss!
Butt-head: You didn't? Where have you been, Beavis? He's a total wuss!
Beavis: Really?
Butt-head: Yeah. Any time you see a dude on TV and he's like, trying to save some forest or something, it means he's a total wussy.
Beavis: Really? Let me see...Sting, yeah, he's a wuss.
Butt-head: Mm-hm.
Beavis: Let's see, uh, who else...Ted Danson, yeah, he's a wussy.
Butt-head: And don't forget Jackson Browne.

Beavis: AAH! Look at that, he's, like, fiddling around with a dead guy's boobs! This is scary. What if after I die, like, some guy comes around and fiddles around with my wiener?
Butt-head: So what, Beavis? You'd be dead, it doesn't matter.
Beavis: Yeah, I guess so. I guess if I was out in the ocean with a dead chick, I'd probably kiss her.
Butt-head: I'd kiss a dead chick right here.
Beavis: So would I. But that's kinda messed up, Butt-head.
Butt-head: Uhh, I know, I was just kidding, Beavis. You were probably serious.
Beavis: Well, no. Not really.

Sick of It All, Step Down[edit]

Butt-head: This dude should get a better apartment.
Beavis: It's like, at least we may not be millionaires, but at least we have decent places to live.
Butt-head: No we don't.
Beavis: Oh, yeah. Well, at least we're pretty happy.
Butt-head: No we're not.
Beavis: Well, at least we have lots of friends.
Butt-head: Not really.
Beavis: Are we healthy?
Butt-head: No.
Beavis: Our lives suck!
Butt-head: Yeah. We're cool.

Beavis: These dances are pretty cool.
Butt-head: Yeah, but they're too easy. Check this out. [the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head makes pelvic thrusts while Beavis punches and kicks in the air. Caption reads "The Dillhole"]
Beavis: That's cool. Remember this one? [the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head shakes his butt while Beavis jumps up and down with a gyrating motion. Caption reads "The Bunghole"]
Butt-head: Or how about this one? [the camera cuts back to them. Butthead jumps back and forth across the room while Beavis sways his arms. Caption reads "The Fartknocker Double Inverted Nad Twist"]
Beavis: Next time we go to a dance, I'm gonna pull down my pants and ask a chick to do the Gorilla.
Butt-head: Beavis, the only dance you know is the Monkey.
Beavis: Oh yeah. I'm gonna do the Monkey right now.

Silverchair, Tomorrow[edit]

Beavis: [sings] More than a feeling...
Butt-head: I woke up this morning, the sun was gone...
Beavis: CLOSED MY EYES AND IT SLIPPED AWAY!!!
Butt-head: That song's stupid.

Beavis: Hey, get a haircut, hippie!
Butt-head: This isn't the sixties, dillhole!
Beavis: My uncle didn't go to Vietnam just so you could walk around with long, hippy-boy hair with your shirt off, heh, damnit.
Butt-head: Uh, your uncle never went to Vietnam, Beavis. He was in jail.
Beavis: I know, I know, that's what I said. My Uncle didn't go to Vietnam so you could have long hair, see? That's what I meant.
Butt-head: You're a stupid, dumb bunghole, Beavis.
Beavis: I am not. Shut up, Butt-head.

Butt-head: I think this is supposed to be, like, freaking us out, but I'm un-freaked. In fact, this video is making me feel totally normal.
Beavis: Yeah, I mean, this is, you know, just a normal video like you always see, really.
Butt-head: Yeah, it's like, you know, if you turned on the TV and this was on, I'd go, like, "Yep. That's what I thought I was gonna see."

Six Finger Satellite, Parlour Games[edit]

Beavis: Ah boy. I think this video has a message.
Butt-head: Yeah. The message is leave. Don't watch it.

Beavis: This video is, um, it's like it's causing me to influence my behaviour. I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna go into the kitchen and break something. [leaves the room] It's all this damn video's fault! [sounds of banging metal can be heard]
Butt-head: Yeah.
Beavis: [more intense crashes and bangs can be heard] Eh! Ugh! Son of a bitch!
Butt-head: Go for it, Beavis!
Beavis: This is cool!
Butt-head: The video still sucks!
Beavis: [more crashes and bangs can be heard] This is cool, Butt-head! [the crashing and banging becomes really intense] Ugh! Son of a bitch! AAAHH!!
Butt-head: Uhh, Beavis? Beavis? Settle down.
Beavis: [going really crazy with the crashing and banging] YAAAHHH!!! YOU MUST DIE!!!
Butt-head: Uhh, don't break the popcorn, Beavis.
Beavis: AAAAAHHHYYAAAAAHHH!!! [breaks something] OW!! OW!
Butt-head: Uhh, Beavis?
Beavis: Dammit! I cut my leg! [re-enters] I cut myself. Where are the band-aids?
Butt-head: Uhh, they're in the bathroom.
Beavis: [leaves] Aah, I'm bleeding! Ow!
Butt-head: This is cool.
Beavis: Yeah, but I'm bleeding. And it's all this video's fault. [crashes can be heard]

Skatman John, Skatman[edit]

Beavis: What is this?
Butt-head: It's the Scatman.
Beavis: Oh yeah. They should have a name for this kind of music.
Butt-head: There already is a name for this music, Beavis. It's called crap.
Beavis: They oughta have, you know, a crap section in the record store.
Butt-head: Yeah. It should be out in the dumpster.
Beavis: No way, Butt-head. There's cool stuff in the dumpster. You wouldn't wanna mess it up with this crap.

Beavis: This is like that music they play in those clothes stores in the mall, where they have a bunch of TV screens.
Butt-head: Oh yeah. And it's all loud, and then the salespeople come up and say "Hi, would you like a tie today?"
Beavis: Those places are stupid.

Beavis: You know, it kinda sounded like he said "Poop".
Butt-head: Well, this is the Scatman, and scat is another word for poop.
Beavis: How'd you know that?
Butt-head: I learned it when I did my report on feces.

The Shamen, Ebeneezer Goode[edit]

Butt-head: These guys are from that country where everything sucks.
Beavis: Yeah, and they all talk like wussies. [imitating the voice at the start of the video] Naughty, very naughty.
Butt-head: People from that country are stupid. [mock-British accent] I do say, old chap, I need to choke my chicken.
Beavis: Yeah. Bloody well right.

Frank Sinatra & Bono, I've Got You Under My Skin[edit]

Beavis: Hey, it's that guy from Dragnet!
Butt-head: Yeah. I carry a badge. My name's Friday.
Beavis: [Bono appears on screen] Yeah. My name's Boner.
Butt-head: My name's Boner's dad.

Beavis: [On Frank Sinatra] Whoa! Who's that old guy?
Butt-head: I think that's like, some dude from The Eagles or something.
Beavis: Or like, one of those Rolling Stones guys?
Butt-head: Oh yeah. I think that's Keith Richards.
Beavis: Oh yeah. He's cool.

Beavis: Hey, hey! Did you hear that? They're like, screwing up. They're not together.
Butt-head: Yeah. Boner's dad needs to have a talk with him.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
Butt-head: He needs to say "Dammit Boner, learn to sing before I kick your ass."
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. He needs to say "Get in your room and practice, dammit!"
Butt-head: You'd make a good father, Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Thanks.

Butt-head: Is this like, classic rock?
Beavis: Uh... I don't know.

Frank Sinatra: I've got you under my skin...
Butt-head: He said "skin."
Beavis: [Laughs] "Skin."

Skee-Lo, I Wish[edit]

Beavis: Ah, boy. Look at that, he's trying to be Forrest Gump.
Butt-head: Yeah. Life is like a little box of chocolates. That would be cool to like, try to pick up a chick by giving her a box of chocolates, because then, like if you strike out, you can at least eat the chocolate.
Beavis: That’s not a bad idea. I think I’m gonna go get me some Enamems and spank my monkey.

Butt-head: Uhh, you know what they say about short dudes, they got like, really big, uh...you know.
Beavis: Yeah, but you know, I tried telling a chick that once, and she said "I don’t care how big your turds are."
Butt-head: [laughs] You dumbass.
Beavis: No, I’m serious, Butt-head. You know, I was going "I got really long turds. You wanna see 'em?"
Butt-head: Beavis, you were telling a chick you have long turds?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! And it didn’t work. I said, you know, "They call me Mr. Poop a lot."
Butt-head: Beavis, you’re making me sick, shut up! I was talking about wieners!
Beavis: But um...oh. Oh, I see!

Skrillex, First of the Year (Equinox)[edit]

Woman: Call 911 now! [man gets thrown back telikinetically]
Butt-Head: Whoa! That's cool!
Beavis: Yeah, that child molester, just messed with the wrong preschooler! Yeah!
Butt-Head: Uh, what makes you think he's a child molester?
Beavis: Oh, he's a child molester, believe me. Every child molester, I've ever met, looks just like that.
Butt-Head: ...

Butt-Head: Uh, I think that's supposed to be her dad. He's like, "Never shoulda sent that kid to Hogwarts."

Woman: Call 911 now!
Butt-Head: Uhh, that's really cool and everything, but howcome he doesn't just call 911 himself?
Beavis: Yeah, who's he telling, to call 911? Then what's he gonna tell 911 anyway?
Butt-Head: Yeah, he'd be like, "Uh, I told my niece we couldn't go see Smurfs again, and then she started warping space and time.

Slaughter, Real Love[edit]

Butt-head: How did this ever happen? This is like...just a bunch of bungholes.
Beavis: Yeah, because...[sees Shannen Doherty] WHOA! That's that Brenda bitch from Beverly Hills [Becomes hyperactive and says several numbers, until Butt-head slaps him]...210.
Butt-head: Beavis, next time you're talking about that show, just say Beverly Hills and forget about the numbers, okay?
Beavis: Oh. Okay.

Butt-head: So, like...why the hell is she hanging out with these wussies?
Beavis: Yeah, I thought that like, if you're a bitch...that you'd be like into something like more hardcore.
Butt-head: Uh...I think sometimes, if you're a bitch, you listen to crap like this.
Beavis: Yeah, like, maybe she doesn't even like it, but she just like, plays this stuff just to piss people off...because she's a bitch!
Butt-head: Yeah. Bitches are cool.
Beavis: Bitches rule!

Slayer, Seasons In the Abyss[edit]

Butthead: Where the hell is this?
Beavis: Yeah yeah, why are they playing way the hell out in the middle of no where?

Beavis: What are those guys on the horses?
Butthead: They're like the Desert cops. They're kicking Slayer out of the desert.
Beavis: Yeah they were playing too loud.
Butthead: Not loud enough, dude.
Beavis: Yeah. MOUW MOUW MOUW ROOOOOOOOUUUUUW!

Butthead: Hey Beavis, look its those things. Those big triangulids.
Beavis: What? I dunno.
Butthead: Remember like, in that movie, that Moses dude built them?
Beavis: Oh yeah. He built them like a long time ago, like like ancient.
Butthead: Yeah. It was like, in the 50's.
Beavis: Yeah, and then he went and wrote the Ten Condoments.
Butthead: Oh yeah. Thou shalt not suck.

Slayer, Serenity In Murder[edit]

Beavis: Haven't we seen this video before?
Butt-head: Uh...I don't know. It's hard to tell.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I think I've seen a video like this before, where like, the music was all fast and loud, and the guys were like, you know, banging their heads like this.
Butt-head: Oh yeah. I remember that one. It was cool.

Butt-head: This music is like, nice and peaceful music.
Beavis: Yeah, this is good if you just wanna like, just kinda mellow out or something.

Butt-head: Whoa, that sucks! He's like, some kind of scientific dude.
Beavis: Oh yeah, that's cool. If I was a scientific, I'd like, do an experiment, you know, where it's like, I'd get a chick in and say "OK chick, um, I'm gonna have to ask you to get naked, and then, I'm um, gonna experiment with your boobs."
Butt-head: Yeah. That would rule!

Beavis: See, look! I think this dude's like, trying to catch this chick, and then, like, do experiments on her.
Butt-head: Oh yeah. That's like that movie we saw, where that dude had that chick in his basement, and he was gonna like, cut her skin off and stuff.
Beavis: See, that was a good movie. It's like, some of those movies, where it's like, "No way!"
Butt-head: Yeah. Like, remember that movie, The Right Stuff?
Beavis: Oh yeah.
Butt-head: That was stupid. That's never gonna happen.
Beavis: Yeah, really. That was dumb. Or like that movie, Alive?
Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, that was a good idea, but that would never happen.
Beavis: Yeah, like a plane would really crash like that.

Smashing Pumpkins, Today[edit]

Beavis: Whoa, check it out, that guy's about to score! Stop the truck!
Butt-head: Yeah, pull over, buttmunch!

Billy Corgan: Today is the greatest day I've ever known...
Butt-head: He thinks it's the greatest day because he, like, stole an ice-cream truck.
Beavis: That's cool. If I stole one of those, I'd like go out to the desert and then I'd just like start eating all the Rocket Pops, and the Chocolate Chippety Crunches, and...and the Dreamsicles, and the Nutty-Buddies...
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis!
Beavis: And the Froggies.

Butt-head: These guys are called the Smashing Pumpkins.
Beavis: Oh yeah? I don't see 'em smashing anything.
Butt-head: Yeah. And I don't see any pumpkins.
Beavis: Like, this part of the song, right here, this is pretty cool. This is where they should, like, smash stuff. See? See, right there. Right there, they could be smashing stuff, see? Instead of like, you know, doing that other stuff.

Butt-head: These guys should like, get together with the Spin Doctors, and like, paint stuff.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, and throw paint around. Seems like every time a bunch of guys get together and throw paint around, there's always some chicks there.
Butt-head: Yeah. I wonder why.

Snoop Dogg, Gin and Juice[edit]

Beavis: Woah, check it out. I can't believe she's talking to Snoop that way.
Butt-head: Yeah. If that wasn't his mom, he'd be putting the smackdown.
Beavis: Yeah, really.

Beavis: Doggy-dog is in the motherf-ing houuuse.

Beavis: Woah, check it out. He's got a phone on the toilet!
Butt-head: We got to get one of those.
Beavis: Woah, he just touched her boobs!
Butt-head: Yeah. It's a Doggy-Dog World!

Beavis: [to the music] May, I, kick a little something for the G's, yey-ah. [speaking] Ain't nothing but a G thing. I'm a G, I'm a straight G.
Butt-head: Yeah, you're a G for gonad.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. You might get smoked if you keep that up. Watch yo back, homie.

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, did you know I'm from Compton?
Butt-head: Damnit Beavis, shut up. You're not from Compton.
Beavis: No way Butt-head, I'm serious. I was kicking it on the street. It was hard times. I used to drink gin and juice, it was cool.
Butt-head: Beavis, you're a white wussy from right here.
Beavis: No way Butt-head, you don't know, you weren't around then. Yeah, me and Snoop, we used to go to the Compton swap meet together.
Butt-head: Beavis, you used to go to the flea market with your mom.
Beavis: No way Butt-head, see, I wear this shirt because these are my colors.
Butt-head: Beavis...
Beavis: Yep, I'm a straight G.
Butt-head: ...shut up.
Beavis: Goin to the Compton swap meet with Snoop. Sometimes I used to kick it with Dre.
Butt-head: Beavis, shut up. You've never been to Compton, you're never gonna go to Compton, you're gonna be here for the rest of your life, you're stupid, you don't have any money and you're never gonna score.
Beavis: [mumbling] Um, heh, oh yeah.

Jill Sobule, I Kissed a Girl[edit]

Beavis: These houses look fake, Butt-head.
Butt-head: Of course they do. That's, like, the whole point of college music, to like, make the suburbs look bad.

Jill Sobule: ...such a hairy behemoth, she said...
Beavis: Hey, did you hear that, Butt-head? She said "Harry Behemoth".
Butt-head: Yeah.
Beavis: What does that mean?
Butt-head: You don't know?
Beavis: I think it, maybe, um...it had something to do with stools. Poop!
Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis, shut up! There are these two chicks that kiss in this video, and I don't want you talking about stools!

Jill Sobule: I kissed a girl.
Beavis: WAAAHHH!!!! BUTT-HEAD, SHE SAID SHE JUST KISSED A GIRL!!!
Butt-head: Damn it Beavis, I know! That's what I was trying to tell you when you were talking about stools.
Beavis: Wow, I'll be damned. Look at that, OHH!! Maybe they'll show it! This is gonna be cool!
Butt-head: [seeing Fabio] Whoa! It's Harry Behemoth!

Beavis: Boy, this is turning out to be pretty good.
Butt-head: You know, when I see two girls kissing, it kinda gives me a special feeling.
Beavis: Yeah, me too. Kinda makes me wanna...make a stool. Poop!
Butt-head: Damn it Beavis, you are messed up!

Jill Sobule: I kissed a girl.
Beavis: Whoa, she said it again! She said she kissed a girl again! Did you hear that?
Butt-head: You have to do a lot more than that if you wanna be a thespian.

Beavis: I like this part in here after she says she kissed a girl, where it goes "Nyayayayayayayaya!"
Butt-head: If there were two chicks right here, making out, you'd probably just go "WAAAHHHUHHHHHHHHUHHHHHHHH!!!!", and talk about stools and stuff.
Beavis: Yep. Sit back, watch a couple chicks make out and talk about stools.

Sonic Youth, Bull in the Heather[edit]

Kim Gordon: 10, 20, 30, 40...
Beavis: How come she's counting? Counting sucks!
Butt-head: Uh, maybe she's counting how many times she's done it.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Counting rules.

Beavis: Is this Romper Room?
Butt-head: Uh, I wouldn't know, Beavis.
Beavis: Oh yeah, me neither, I don't know. I don't know whether this is Romper Room or not.

[commenting on Kathleen Hanna's appearance in the video]
Butt-head: Who's that five-year-old girl who keeps bouncing around?
Beavis: Yeah, really. She sure can't dance. Like, what's the snif-gig-ligance of that girl being there?
Butt-head: The what?
Beavis: You know, the sih...um, I forgot.

[Kathleen Hanna rubs her butt against Thurston Moore's crotch]
Beavis: HEY!! GET AWAY FROM HIS WIENER!! GET AWAY!!
Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis. What are you, like, the wiener police or something?
Beavis: Well, how would you like it if some chick tried to touch your wiener? [Butt-head does a double take and laughs] Um, wait a minute.
Butt-head: What???
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. Shut up!
Butt-head: You dumbass!
Beavis: You just weren't listening. I said, like, you know, like, how would you like it if some girl was touching your wiener? That'd be pretty cool. That's what I meant, dumbass!
Butt-head: Yeah, right.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I just wasn't concentrating, that's all.

Sonic Youth, Dirty Boots[edit]

[a ticket collector is standing under a sign that says "2.00"]
Butt-head: Only two dollars to see Sonic Youth?
Beavis: That's a good deal.

Butt-head: [addressing a woman in the video] Hey, how's it goin'? What high school do you go to?
Beavis: I go to the same high school you go to, what are you talking about, Butt-head?
Butt-head: I was talking to the chick, Beavis! Dumbass!
Beavis: Well, you should have said "Hey, baby" then. Like this, hey baby! How's it going?

[the central male and female in the video are divided by a mosh pit]
Butt-head: Go for it, dude, she wants you!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, go for it, go for it! She wants you, c'mon! Slam into her! Slam into her, c'mon! Go for it! C'mon, grab her!
Butt-head: Yeah, yeah, go for it!
Beavis: Grab her!
Butt-head: Yeah!
Beavis: C'mon! Go for it!
Butt-head: See, now that dude knows how to do it.
Beavis:

Thurston Moore: And tell the story of the jelly rollin'...
Butt-head: Tell the story of the choad?
Beavis: This is the story of a lonely little choad. He never scored. And that's the end.
Butt-head: I think that's like, uh, your story, Beavis.
Beavis: It's your story too, butthole!

Butt-head: You sit too close to me, Beavis. Could you like, move a little further down the couch?
Beavis: No way, Butt-head! You move! I'm all comfortable.

[the protagonists of the video have gotten onstage and are kissing]

Butt-head: If this was a real concert, some roadie'd be up there in like two seconds, kicking their asses off the stage.
Beavis: Yeah, he'd just like, throw 'em out into the crowd.
Butt-head: That dude would probably break a bunch of bones and stuff, but at least he got some.

Soundgarden, Black Hole Sun[edit]

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, what is a black hole?
Butt-head: It's sorta like a bunghole. But it's like...
Beavis: [interrupting] Whoa, Butt-head check it out! That's the chick from Whale, remember? That hobo slumping hobo slut, uhh...remember?
Butt-head: Shut up Beavis, I was explaining something!
Beavis: Oh, sorry.
Butt-head: So, a black hole is this giant bunghole in outer space. It sucks up the whole universe, then it grinds it up and sends it all to Hell.
Beavis: Really? That’s cool. How do you know all this stuff?
Butt-head: From watching Star Trek, bunghole.

Soundgarden, Outshined[edit]

Butt-head: This guy looks like Jesus.
Beavis: Yeah, Christ is cool!

Butt-head: If you go to Seattle, everybody you see are cool. We should go dude.

Soundgarden, Spoonman[edit]

Beavis: This is a ripoff. It's like, when I see a Soundgarden video, I wanna see Soundgarden, not just, like, pictures of Soundgarden.
Butt-head: Uhh, the video is just a bunch of pictures, Beavis.
Beavis: What do you mean, Butt-head?
Butt-head: Everything on TV is just, like, a bunch of pictures of something.
Beavis: No it's not! It's like, sometimes they move.
Butt-head: Yeah, but it's still, like, moving pictures.
Beavis: No it's not, they're moving around! I mean, they're not moving around, but in other videos they're moving around.
Butt-head: Beavis, you're gonna see a moving picture of my foot kicking your ass in about two seconds. Now just shut up and sit still.

Chris Cornell (Ben Shepherd): All my friends are Indians (all my friends are brown and red)...
Beavis: All his friends are brown and red? What's that supposed to mean?
Butt-head: Uhh, it means they're, like, turds. He's telling his friends that they suck.

Butt-head: No sir, I don't have any spare change. Get those damn spoons out of my face.
Beavis: Get those spoons out of my face before I shove 'em up your butt! Get outta here!

Stacey Q, Two of Hearts[edit]

Butt-head: Uh...I think this is like one of those cable access shows where you like call them up and they do like anything you want.
Beavis: No way! Really? Let's call her up!
Butt-head: Yeah. Let's tell her to like shut up and like take all of her clothes off and get over here right now.
Beavis: Yeah! She could fix us something to eat.

Butt-head: You can tell that this is the kind of chick who's like, had her tubes tied.
Beavis: Like, um...how come you know this chick's had her tubes tied?
Butt-head: Just look at her, Beavis!
Beavis: I think I'm gonna go tie my tubes.
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis!

The Stone Roses, Love Spreads[edit]

[a man jumps up and down]

Beavis: Whoa, he's not even on a pogo stick. I'll be damned.

Butt-head: [addressing a man dressed in a devil costume] Uhh...hey Satan, how's it going?
Beavis: How come whenever you see, like, Satan in a video, it's just some dork in a costume?
Butt-head: Yeah. The real Satan doesn't do videos.
Beavis: Unless it's like for Danzig or something.

Butt-head: If they really had Satan on this song, it's like, you'd hear him talking backwards and stuff, because he can do that.
Beavis: Oh yeah. You know, I can talk backwards.
Butt-head: No you can't!
Beavis: Yes sir! Check this out. [backwards speech] Stnerap ruoy yebo. Loohcs ni yats.
Butt-head: Whoa! That was cool.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
Butt-head: Do it again, Beavis!
Beavis: Um, okay. Check this out. Okay, here goes. [backwards speech] Hguone si hguone. [normal speech] See? [backwards speech] Gniog ti s'woh yeh.
Butt-head: That was cool! So, like, what did you say just then?
Beavis: I said "Hey, how's it going?" You should try it.
Butt-head: Uhh, let me see. Uhh...Beavis is a wuss. Ah, I mean, uhh...wuss a is Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, see? Anybody can do it. [backwards speech] Stnerap ruoy yebo dna loohcs ni yats.

Butt-head: How do you do that, Beavis?
Beavis: You just talk backwards.
Butt-head: Yeah, but like, how?
Beavis: Like this. Um...I am...no wait, that wasn't right...this is...uh, no...damn it, I forgot! I can't do it anymore!
Butt-head: You can't do it anymore.

Stone Temple Pilots, Plush[edit]

Beavis: Is this Pearl Jam?
Butt-head: Yeah. Eddie Vedder dyed his hair red.
Beavis: Wait a minute, this isn't Pearl Jam!
Butt-head: Yeah. It's good to see you thinking, Beavis.

Butt-head: That guy makes faces like Eddie Vedder.
Beavis: No way! Eddie Vedder makes faces like this guy.
Butt-head: They both make faces like that John Belushi dude.
Beavis: Yeah. And he's dead.
Butt-head: I heard these guys came first, and then Pearl Jam ripped them off.
Beavis: No way, Butt-head! Pearl Jam came first!
Butt-head: Uh, well, they both suck.
Beavis: Hey Butt-head, Pearl Jam doesn't suck, they're from Seattle.
Butt-head: Oh yeah.

[a rottweiler is seen in the video]

Beavis: That bear is cool.
Butt-head: It takes a lot more than bears to make a video cool, Beavis.
Beavis: What if the bear was, like, taking a dump?
Butt-head: Well, that might work.

Butt-head: I wanna dye my hair orange.
Beavis: Yeah. You'd look good, Butt-head. You should do it.

Stone Temple Pilots, Vasoline[edit]

Beavis: AAH, I DON'T WANNA LOOK AT SOME DUDE'S BUTT! Come on Butt-head, change it.
Butt-head: Come on, Beavis! This song kinda rocks! Besides, later, they show a dog's nads.
Beavis: Oh. I'll stick around for that.

Beavis: Dammit, I'm sick of seeing water in videos.
Butt-head: Yeah, but this water's cool because it's like, over by the power plant.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Remember when we went swimming by the power plant, it's like, all warm and stuff? That was cool.
Butt-head: No it wasn't! Your turds were all orange for a month, and you got those big blisters on your nads.
Beavis: I know! That's what I'm saying. It was cool.

Scott Weiland: Flies in the vasoline...
Beavis: Flies in the Vaseline? That's cool.
Butt-head: Yeah. Remember when we put the fly in the gasoline? It was cool.
Beavis: Yeah, but um, he didn't say gasoline, Butt-head, he said Vaseline. I think that's like something different.
Butt-head: I know that, dumbass! Dammit Beavis, you always ruin everything.
Beavis: No I don't! I was just saying he was talking about Vase--look, it's a dog's nads! Is that what you were talking about?
Butt-head: Uh...yeah, I think that was it.
Beavis: That was cool.

Stranglers, Skin Deep[edit]

Butt-head: Why do people make videos?
Beavis: And why do they have to play this music? Why? Why?
Butt-head: It's like, some dude gets a guitar, and he sucks, then he gets together with other guys who suck.
Beavis: Yeah. It really sucks. I'm gonna go outside.
Butt-head: Really? How come?
Beavis: My butt's asleep.
Butt-head: Really? Cool.
Beavis: Yeah, I'll be back later. [exits]
Butt-head: Okay Beavis. Whoa. Hey Beavis...[turns around]...Uhhhh...oh yeah. [sings along] Better watch out for the skin deep. [yells] Hey Beavis, what are you doing? Uhhh....this sucks. [exits] Hey Beavis, wait up!

Stray Cats, Rock This Town[edit]

(man who looks like Weird Al Yankovic appears in video)
Beavis: (excited) Whoa, Butthead, check it out! It's Weird Al!
Butthead: Yeah, Weird Al is cool!
(Weird Al lookalike is swing-dancing with an attractive lady)
Beavis: Cool! He's gonna get some!
Butthead: Of course he's gonna get some, dumbass, he's Weird Al!

Styx, Too Much Time on My Hands[edit]

Butt-head: Uh... [The two laugh dismissively]
Beavis: What's this?

[An old woman is sitting in a bar]
Butt-head: Hey, look, Beavis! It's your mom.
Beavis: Where? Where?
Butt-head: Hanging out in bars again.
Beavis: That's not my mom, Butt-head. That's Grandma.

Beavis: What is this?
Butt-head: Uh ... is this cable access?
Beavis: Yeah, I think it is. Cable access sucks!
Butt-head: They should call it cable suckcess.
Beavis Yeah, cable suckcess.

Butt-head: Look at this dork.
Beavis: Yeah. What a dumbass.
Butt-head: Ooh, sexy. This band sucks.
Beavis: Yeah, really. Hey Butt-head, didn't these guys play at that wedding we went to?
Butt-head: Yeah. Remember when you kept asking them to play Pantera?
Beavis: Yeah. That was cool.
Butt-head: Remember when you waited in line to kiss the bride? And you tried to cop a feel?
Beavis: Oh yeah.
Butt-head: Her dad kicked your ass.

Sugar Ray, Mean Machine[edit]

Butt-head: This sounds like "Wipeout".
Beavis: [half-laughing] I think this is..."Butt-Wipeout". [laughs. Butt-head pretends to laugh]

Butt-head: That Sucks, they do this really cool dance coming up here.
Beavis: Oh, really? Cool. Is that it?
Butt-head: No, that's just hockey.

Butt-head: I think they're singing about a car.
Beavis: See, that's pretty cool. If I had a really cool car, I'd sing about it too. Like [begins "singing"] My car is really fast!/It kicks a lotta ass!/um...It runs on gas!/I drive it on the grass!/um...

[Sugar Ray do a cheesy synchronized dance in the video]
Butt-head: Uh, there it is, see? Isn't that cool?
Beavis: What's cool about it?
Butt-head: It's like, they're all doing it together. That's cool.
Beavis: You think it's cool when dudes dance together, Butt-head?
Butt-head: Uhhhh...damn it Beavis, just shut up!
Beavis: Hey, Butthead...Would you like to dance? Nananananana!

[Butt-head smacks Beavis]


Sugartooth, Sold My Fortune[edit]

Beavis: Check this out, Butt-head. It starts out pretty cool, then it starts rocking more and more. [Hums along with bass line] See?
Butt-head: I get the point, Beavis, now will you shut up so I can hear it?

Beavis: [singing along] Sold my fo-chun...Hey Butt-head, what's a fo-chun?
Butt-head: I think it's one of those beds that folds into a couch.
Beavis: Oh yeah, it's one of those things. So like, how come he sold it?
Butt-head: 'Cause he probably got like a big bed so he didn't need it anymore.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Maybe he got tired of people crashing at his house and sleeping on it. So it's like, he sold it, and it's like, he wrote a cool song about it. Sold my fo-chun!
Butt-head: Yeah. And then he had a bunch of fights happen in the video.

Two people are fighting in the video
Beavis: Yeah come on! You think you're bad, you wanna do something about it? Let's go!
Butt-head: I don't there's anybody on TV you can kick ass on, except for maybe like Urkel.
Beavis: I don't know, Butt-head. Urkel's pretty big now. He's like 6'7" or something.

Suicidal Tendencies, Institutionalized[edit]

Cyco Miko: Sometimes I try to do things, and it just doesn't work out the way I want it to...
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Sometimes I try to do things, and it doesn't work out the ways I want it to, and...
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis!
Cyco Miko: ...it's like, I concentrate on it real hard, but it just doesn't work out...
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like, people always say "Hey Beavis. Beavis, we know you've been having a lot of problems".
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis!
Beavis: Yeah, but it's just, I get all frustrated, and I start, like, kicking stuff and burning things, and...
Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis! I feel your pain.
Beavis: Yeah, me too.

Cyco Miko: ...I'll figure it out myself, but they just keep bugging me...
Butt-head: This dude's under a lot of stress.
Beavis: [ranting] Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, people say "Hey Beavis, maybe we can talk about it, you'll feel better". I say "Just leave me alone, and I'll figure it out by myself", and they keep saying "Beavis, Beavis", and like, I don't know what to do...
Butt-head: Come on, shut up, Beavis! About once a year they play something cool, and you have to talk through it.
Beavis: Oh yeah. This is cool.

Superchunk, Package Thief[edit]

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, is there a chick in this band?
Butt-head: Uhh, well I think that bass player has boobs.
Beavis: Yeah, that's what I mean.
Butt-head: Well there's boobs, but I can't tell if it's a chick.
Beavis: Seems like all these bands now have chick bass players
Butt-head: Uhh...wait a minute, that's not a chick. That's a puppet. These are all puppets!
Beavis: Um...uh, yeah. Hey Butt-head, I have a puppet. Check this out. [high-pitched voice] Hello everybody! We're gonna have fun today!
Butt-head: Damn it Beavis, pull your pants up!

Supergrass, Caught by the Fuzz[edit]

Butt-head: Whoa! That looks like that dude from Planet of the Apes.
Beavis: That movie kicked ass! Remember when they put those naked guys in a cage?
Butt-head: Yeah. Those guys were wussies.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, really. I wouldn’t take that, if they did that to me, I’d be kickin’ monkey ass all over the place.
Butt-head: Yeah. Monkeys.

Beavis: You know, these guys sound pretty cool, you know, for having a monkey, you know, on guitar. I was thinking, maybe they should get a gorilla to play drums. ‘Cause, you know, you go to the zoo, and they’re always playing with themselves, so maybe they could play some drums, I dunno.
Butt-head: Yeah, but Beavis, you play with yourself, and you can’t play drums.
Beavis: No way, Butt-head, I reckon I can play the drums. I could like, go, you know…parum, parum.

Beavis: Then, I was thinking, also, you know, if you had a monkey on drums, just one more thing about that…if you had a monkey on drums, you know, you could spank him, that’s all I wanted to say. [Butt-head laughs]

The Supersuckers, Creepy Jackalope Eye[edit]

Butt-head: Is this the Monkees?
Beavis: They look like butt-monkeys. Is this that episode where they go to the dude ranch?
Butt-head: Uhh, you're thinking of Happy Days, dumbass.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Heyy, sit on it. Sit on my butt.
Butt-head: That reminds me of this joke. There's this dude and he like, meets this slut in a bar, and they're like, uhh, going back to her place. But then like, he, uhh, can't find his keys. But then he needs like a flashlight, and then he says, "Help me find my keys and we can drive outta here."
Beavis: Um, heh. I don't get it.
Butt-head: She was a slut.
Beavis: Oh yeah! [they both chuckle]

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, is that like, from that City Slickers movie?
Butt-head: Oh yeah. Remember that one part where that guy like, sticks his hand up that cow's butt?
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah! And then like, he pulls out a dog, and it's all wet.
Butt-head: Beavis, that wasn't a dog. That was like, uhh, a big rabbit.

T[edit]

T'Baby, It's So Cold in the D[edit]

Beavis: Um... is that guy dead, or is he just like, sleeping?
Butt-head: I don't know, but either way it's cool.

Butt-head: Uh... is this Real Housewives of Detroit?

[Butt-head looks at Beavis in confusion]
Butt-head: Uh... I think that chick in the back is dancing to a different song.

T'Baby: I'm having visions of how we used to hang and bang...
Beavis: Hanging and banging...
T'Baby: How the fuck do you sposed to stack papers...
Beavis: Stacking papers, you know...
[The lyrics go off-tempo]
Beavis: I'm lost.

[Beavis and Butt-head are dancing]
Butt-head: It's so cold in the D...
Beavis: Bump bump bump bump...
Butt-head: It's so cold in the D... uh, this is hard to dance to.
[The two pause, then resume, their dancing]

[The lyrics become increasingly off-tempo]
Butt-head: Something's off.

Butt-head: I think she was in Lion King.
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah! I like her better in this though.
Butt-head: Yeah. This rules!
[The two resume dancing]
Butt-head: It's so cold in the D...

T'Pau, Heart and Soul[edit]

Butt-head: Call now for live one-on-one conversations.
Beavis: Yeah. Share your intimate thoughts!
Butt-head: A dollar ninety-five per minute.
Beavis: Must be 18 or older.
Butt-head: Hey Beavis. If we had a dollar ninety-five , we could call and share our intimate thoughts.
Beavis: Yeah. We could tell her that she sucks.

Butt-head: This chick's name is T'Pau.
Beavis: Yeah. That's Spanish for "This sucks."

Tesla, Call It What You Want[edit]

Butt-head: That dude looks like Heidi Fleiss.
Beavis: Oh yeah.
Butt-head: She's skanky.
Beavis: Yeah, and she's ugly.
Butt-head: She's what you call fugly.
Beavis: She's a fugly, skanky whore.
Butt-head: That wasn't very nice, Beavis.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Sorry about that.

Butt-head: This dude's chest is about as hairless and puny as yours.
Beavis: Shut up, fartcracker! I could kick this dude's ass.
Butt-head: You mean fartknocker, Beavis.
Beavis: Oh yeah.
Butt-head: And, for the last time, you can't kick anybody's ass.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah I can! I'm getting bigger. Like...I've been drinking milk and stuff.
Butt-head: Yeah right.
Beavis: No really, Butt-head. I had some last week.
Butt-head: Yeah, but then you spit it out.
Beavis: Yeah, but it was in my mouth long enough for me to, you know, get some vitamins and stuff out of it.

that dog, Old Timer[edit]

[the band are shown as workers in a hot dog stand]

Butt-head: I think this is that place where you get like, lemonade.
Beavis: Oh yeah.
Butt-head: And they have a bunch of horn dogs working there.
Beavis: They have horn dogs?
Butt-head: Yeah. You know, that's where they like, dip their wiener in the fryer.
Beavis: It's like, every time I go to that damn place, like, I want to get a milkshake, they say "I'm sorry, the shake machine's broken", and I say [angry] "Dammit, it's always broken!"

[one member proceeds to deep fry two battered hot dogs]

Beavis: Hey, check this out, Butt-head. Fryer, fryer, FRYER!!!
Butt-head: Beavis...
Beavis: Oh yeah. Fryer!

Beavis: Hey, that's not fair, that dude doesn't have to wear a hairnet!
Butt-head: Yeah. Maybe we should get a job at this place.
Beavis: Yeah really, it's like, you don't have to like, pay attention to the customers, and you just sit around and goof off.
Butt-head: We could put the hairnets on our nads.
Beavis: Yeah yeah. I mean, that's what I do anyways, but I also have to put one on my hair.
Butt-head: You put a hairnet on your nads?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. You know, they're free.

Beavis: [sings along] Hey old miner, how come you're drinking red wine at Shakey's...
Butt-head: This is stupid.

The The, I Saw the Light[edit]

[Video shows sky-angle footage of New York City]
Beavis: Um, this looks like the opening to that show, that late night...
Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, "Top 10 tall places to take a crap off of."
Beavis: That's kinda disgusting.

[Matt Johnson walks among the edge of a tall building]
Beavis: Whoa! You think he's really up there on that building like that?
Butt-head: Uh...no. People don't do that anymore. It's like, they have computers and they just like, fake it.
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah.
Butt-head: Nobody has any balls anymore.
Beavis: Whoa, you think he's gonna jump?
Butt-head: Uh...no, and I don't care either.

Butt-head: You know what would be really cool? Is like, if he took a leak from up there.
Beavis: Yeah! He should take two dumps, one leak, cut the cheese, and then he should jump. That would rule! Yeah!

Beavis: Butt-head, this reminds me of that movie I saw, that...Crocodile Dumbdee, and um...I was just gonna say, um, he's from...down under. You know, down under?
Butt-head: Okay Beavis, I get it. Down under.

Butt-head: You know, this is kind of like that movie with The Beatles in it, where they're playing on the roof.
Beavis: Oh yeah. I saw that on the Discovery Channel. The Beatles suck!
Butt-head: Yeah, really. How come everybody likes them so much?
Beavis: I don't know.
Butt-head: Maybe it's because they were handsome. You should try to get in The Beatles. I heard they had an opening.
Beavis: "Opening." [Cackles]

Tiffany, I Think We're Alone Now[edit]

Beavis: This is mall music.
Butt-head: Yeah. She has to play in a mall because she sucks.

Butt-head: Hey Beavis, who do you think would win in a fight between Tiffany and Debbie Gibson?
Beavis: Debbie Gibson would kick her butt. She'd kick her!
Butt-head: She should join a gang, like Wilson Phillips.
Beavis: Yeah. Who do you think would win in a fight between Wilson Phillips and The Bangles?
Butt-head: Uh...you're the expert, Beavis.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
Butt-head: One chick from L7 alone could kick all of their asses combined.

Toadies, Possum Kingdom[edit]

Beavis: [singing along] Make up your mind…
Butt-head: I already made up my mind; this sucks.
Beavis: Well, now, come on, give it a chance.

Beavis: Whoa, is that a body?
Butt-head: Uhh, yeah I think so.
Beavis: You think they killed somebody just to make this video?
Butt-head: They should have killed the people who made it.
Beavis: I wonder what that would be like, you know, to die.
Butt-head: Uhh, well, you’re gonna find out someday.
Beavis: [imitating Cornholio] Are you threatening me? I will never die.
Butt-head: No, I’m serious, Beavis. It’s like, you know, you start to get all old and stuff.
Beavis: Yeah, really? What else?
Butt-head: Uhh, I think you start, like, losing control of your wee-wee.
Beavis: Uhh, what else?
Butt-head: Uhh, then you, like, start pooping a lot, and you, like, lose the grip of your butt.
Beavis: AHHH, I’M GONNA DIE!!!
Butt-head: Yeah. You’re old.
Beavis: So, um, Butt-head, what would do, like, if I died?
Butt-head: I’d probably, like, move over to the middle of the couch. It’s more comfortable.

Tricky, Black Steel[edit]

Butt-head: Uhh...uhh...hey, it's that dude.
Beavis: What dude?
Butt-head: You know, that pilot dude. That one who was like, in a plane and he got shot down over Bogna-Hersnaslovignia. And he's like, a hero and stuff cause he killed all his enemies, and then he lived off bugs for a whole year.
Beavis: He lived off BUGS???
Butt-head: Yeah. That was all he could get to eat, because like, you know, it was somewhere over in Europe, and they don't have Burger World.
Beavis: Wow, that's cool, you know, because I've gone for a few days like that, you know, but then I usually have some nachos and stuff in between meals, so it doesn't really count.

Martina Topley-Bird: But a brother like me begun, to be another one...
Butt-head: Uhh, she just called herself a brother.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, I mean, she's calling herself a brother, and she's not a dude, and she's not even black!
Butt-head: Uhh, yeah she is. She's like, you know, one of the Cosby kids.
Beavis: Ohh. So I guess...oh yeah, she is black.

Butt-head: I think the message of this video is like, that the army kicks ass.
Beavis: Yeah. "Today's army trains you with the skills you need to get ahead in today's world!"

Tripping Daisy, I Got A Girl[edit]

[the lead singer is in a body bag, and a mortician opens it]
Butt-head: Zip him back up. He sucks.
Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, give him a chance.
Butt-head: They shouldn't give anybody a chance to suck.

Beavis: How come these guys are acting so happy? They're about to get their wiener chopped off.
Butt-head: Uhh, what makes you think they're gonna get their wieners chopped off, Beavis?
Beavis: I dunno, isn't that what happens when you have an operation?
Butt-head: Boy, I tell ya, Beavis, you're a stupid son of a bitch. And your mother's a whore.
Beavis: My mom's a slut, she doesn't charge for it, bunghole, and I'm not stupid!

Beavis: So like, what are some other operations?
Butt-head: Uhh, I think you can have like, uh, your tubes tied.
Beavis: What does that mean?
Butt-head: I think it's like, you have your tubes tied, and then it means you can just go do it anytime you want.
Beavis: Wow. I wanna get that operation. Because I wanna do it right now! I always wanna do it.
Butt-head: Uh, I think you have to have, like, a lot of money. And then I think you also need a chick.
Beavis: Oh, I knew it, see, there's always something, see? There's always some reason why I can't score. Dammit.

Jen Trynin, Happier[edit]

Beavis: Whoa check it out, they got some of that Keeyotepcate up there, up above that guy's hands.
Butt-head: Uhhh...oh yeah, that is Kaotepkate.
Beavis: Y'know, um...that stuff, y'know, like, tastes really bad, and um, it's expensive. But then it doesn't really work.
Butt-head: Uh, really?
Beavis: It's supposed to be for diarrhea. So I took it for a whole week, and I never got diarrhea.
Butt-head: Beavis...
Beavis: Then about four days later, this brick pooped out of my butt.
Butt-head: Cool.
Beavis: It was pretty cool. It was like, really big...I can show it to you if you want.
Butt-head: You still have it?
Beavis: Oh yeah, I still have it. It's in my underwear drawer.
Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear any of this.
Beavis: Why?

U[edit]

U2, One[edit]

Butt-head: Boner is pretty cool sometimes.
Beavis: That's because he has a cool name.
Butt-head: I bet when he was little, his mom used to say "Boner, come to dinner!"
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! She'd say "Boner! Boner! Time for dinner! We're having beanies and weenies! And tacos, and nachos! And fajitas!"
Butt-head: Then in the morning, she'd turn to Boner's dad, and say "Is Boner up yet?"
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. "Boner! Boner! Get up, Boner!"
Butt-head: And then, like, when his dad went to PTA meetings, the teachers would say "Your son sure does sing well" and he'd say "That's my Boner."
Beavis: Yeah. BONER!!!
Butt-head: That's a cool name. You know who has a really stupid name, though? The Edge.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! The Edge. What is that?
Butt-head: That's stupid.

V[edit]

Vanilla Ice, I Love You[edit]

Beavis: Look! Look!
Butt-head: Yeah. Vanilla Ice.
Beavis: You know, um, they’re always, like, putting this guy down and you know, making fun of him and saying he sucks and stuff. But you know, um he really does suck. And this is one of those times where everybody’s right. You know what I’m saying?
Butt-head: Are you just trying to say that this sucks, Beavis?
Beavis: Sometimes you have a way with words.

Beavis: Are you gonna change the channel, Butt-head?
Butt-head: Why bother? All we seem to get on this TV is bad videos
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah.

Butt-head: There’s like, three things wrong with this video. One, this dude sucks. And, uhh…three, he’s trying to rap a love song.
Beavis: You know, um…if this was a real rap song about love, he’d be saying “We have no love for hoes.”
Butt-head: Yeah. He’d be like, “I don’t love you hoes, I’m out the doe” (door)

Violent Femmes, Breakin' Up[edit]

Beavis: Whoa, check it out, Butt-head! There's a chick back there in the window; I think she's naked!
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! No she's not!
Beavis: Oh, OK.

Gordon Gano: Dark voices are talking to me...
Butt-head: Hey Beavis, that guy says he hears dark voices in his head.
Beavis: Oh really? I hear voices too, but it's like, usually they're white guys. Sometimes it's, like, you know, a Chinese dude too, that talks to me. And a couple of Mexicans.
Butt-head: Really? What does the Chinese guy say?
Beavis: He says [high-pitched Chinese accent] "Pull down your pants. Spank your monkey."
Butt-head: And what does the white guy say?
Beavis: The same thing. But he talks just like me.

[The band is standing by wedding cakes and holding baseball bats]
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, come on! Here we go! Hit it! Come on, smash it! Smash it! COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? SMASH IT!
Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis! This is a video. Anytime you see a cake and a baseball bat in the same video, the cake's gonna get his ass kicked.
Beavis: Yeah, but why's he waiting so long? Come on, come on, BREAK IT! SMASH IT! Where's the cake? Where's that damn cake? Let me see it!
Butt-head: You dumbass.

Butt-head: I don't see what the big deal is about breaking up. I just, like say "Hey baby...get lost. You know, we can like...still do it and stuff but, uh, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."
Beavis: Shut up! Here it comes! [Gordon Gano smashes the cakes with a baseball bat] YEAH!
Butt-head: Yes! See? Told you, buttmunch!

Violent Femmes, Nightmares[edit]

Gordon Gano: Everytime I try to sleep, I have nightmares...
Beavis: Hey Butt-head, I had this nightmare last night, that like, everything sucked. It was really scary.
Butt-head: But Beavis, Everything DOES suck. [Dramatic shock sound effect plays]
Beavis: AH!
Butt-head: Take it easy, Beavis. It really sucks when you do that. [Sound effect plays again]
Beavis: AH! NO!
Butt-head: Cut it out, Beavis! You know what, I bet these guys went to college and stuff.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I bet they like, paid attention too.
Butt-head: Yeah, and you know one thing about college, Beavis?
Beavis: Yeah, it sucks. [Sound effect plays again] AH! AAAAAHHHHH!
Butt-head: That was cool.
Beavis: No it wasn't.
Butt-head: Hey Beavis, you know what sucks? [Sound effect plays again]
Beavis: AH! NO!
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! I haven't even told you yet.
Beavis: Oh yeah.
Butt-head: Everytime you do that, it sucks! [Sound effect plays again]
Beavis: AAAAAAAHHH! NO!

W[edit]

Tom Waits, I Don't Want to Grow Up[edit]

Beavis: Hey Butt-head! It's the Noid.
Butt-head: Cool! The Noid is cool.
Beavis: Avoid the Noid! Avoid the Noid! I like to say that. Avoid the Noid!
Butt-head: Uh ... wait a minute, that's not the Noid. That's Satan.

[Tom starts his signature wailing]
Butt-head: You Right, Beavis!
Beavis: Yeah. It's like, this guy's a pretty good singer.
Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, he can't write songs but he sure can sing.

Butt-head: This video's cool because it's like, doing something that they haven't done before.
Beavis: What do you mean? Like, like, um... one of those uvulas?
Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, they never played a uvula under the table before.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, turds! Did you see that? Turds! Turds! Turds!
Butt-head: Uh... where?
Beavis: Um...
Butt-head: You know, if I was Satan, I would like, get a mountain bike.
Beavis: Yeah, like a really cool skateboard.
Butt-head: Yeah. Then some chicks.
Beavis: Yeah! That would be cool.

Beavis: Oh look, it's the turds again. Turds!
Butt-head: Where?
Beavis: Right there! He was riding around some turds, Butt-head.
Butt-head: Really?
Beavis: They're right there on the ground! He's like, riding around some turds.
Butt-head: Satan always likes to have some turds by.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. He is Satan.

Jamie Walters, Hold On[edit]

Jamie Walters: I don't wanna see you...
Beavis: I don't wanna see you either!
Butt-head: Yeah, really.
Beavis: Um, change the channel, come on Butt-head, or turn it off, or something.
Butt-head: Uhh, there's nothing else on.
Beavis: What happened to those cards?
Butt-head: Uhh, they're right here.
Beavis: Come on, let's play another round. I wanna win my two dollars back.
Butt-head: Uhh, okay. This game is called "Bunghole Surprise". [shuffles the cards]
Beavis: Cool!
Butt-head: First you take your cards, and then you, like, tell me what you have.
Beavis: Um, okay. [cut back to Beavis and Butt-head. The pair have now started their card game] I have two eights, and a nine, and a three, and a chick.
Butt-head: Uhh, okay. Dumbass. Uhh, okay, I'm gonna, like, get five new cards. Uhh, I bet eighteen dollars. And I won. So you owe me eighteen dollars, bunghole.
Beavis: No way, that's too much! I don't wanna play this anymore!
Butt-head: Uhh, okay. You don't wanna play, we'll just watch this video.
Beavis: Ah, no! Okay, I'll play. Um...okay, eighteen dollars.
Butt-head: Uhh, okay. I won.
Beavis: Dammit, really? How come I keep losing? I never win!

Mike Watt, Piss Bottle Man[edit]

Butt-head: Uhh...who is this?
Beavis: His name is...I've seen this before...his name is Mike Watt. And later on, he pours a bottle of urine out the window. So don't change it yet.
Butt-head: Uhh, oh. Cool. [sees Watt urinating in a bottle] Is he peeing?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, he did! That's the name of this song. It's called "Piss Bottle Man".
Butt-head: That's pretty cool, I guess.

Beavis: Later on, this guy gets abducted by aliens. Hey Butt-head, do you believe in aliens?
Butt-head: I believe in illegal aliens.
Beavis: I believe in Mexicans.
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis. You're supposed to call them "Hispandex".

Beavis: You know what would be funny, if he changed his name, you know, instead of Mike Watt, he would change his last name to Hunt?
Butt-head: Uh...why would that be funny?
Beavis: ...I don't know, actually.
Butt-head: Dumbass.

Wax, California[edit]

[a man on fire running in slow motion is shown throughout the video]
Beavis: Hey Butt-head, I was thinking, um...
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis.
Beavis: Oh my god...
Butt-head: You may be about to see the coolest video you have ever seen in your life.
Beavis: Ohhh.
Butt-head: Now Beavis...uh...Beavis?
Beavis: Ohh. Ohhhh.
Butt-head: [cut back to Beavis and Butt-head. Beavis is completely fixated on the television screen] Uh, Beavis?
Beavis: Ooohohohhhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhh.
Butt-head: This guy's probably just, like, a stuntman or something. I bet he's not even in the band.
Beavis: Ohhhhhh, noooooo.
Butt-head: Like, what's the song supposed to be about, anyway?
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Aaaaahhaaa. Ohoooooohhhhh,
Butt-head: [seeing a homeless man throwing a can] Whoa! Look at that dude back there.
Beavis: Ohhhohhhhh.
Butt-head: Uh, Beavis? Beavis, are you there? Beavis, what's your problem?
Beavis: Oooooooohhhhhhh. Oh no.
Butt-head: Beavis, it's not even real, it's just like, special effects.
Beavis: Aaaaaahhaaaaa. Oooohhhh no. Ooooooohhhhhhhh no.
Butt-head: This is cool! This is a damn good video.
Beavis: Ooohooooooo.
Butt-head: It's like, uh...Beavis, are you gonna say anything.
Beavis: Nooooo...
Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, snap out of it. Dumbass. I'm gonna change the channel.
Beavis: Butt-head, I'm only going to tell you this once - if you touch that remote, I'm gonna kick your ass.
Butt-head: Yeah right. Dammit Beavis, snap out of it right now. [slaps Beavis multiple times]
Beavis: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Whoa, what happened? Where am I?
Butt-head: Uh, you're right here, Beavis. What's your problem?
Beavis: I just, like, blacked out or something, what going on?
Butt-head: We just saw a dude running around on fire.
Beavis: No way, really, and I missed it?
Butt-head: Uh, no, you saw the whole thing, dumbass.
Beavis: Wow. Uh, I dunno, I wasn't here.

Ween, Freedom of '76[edit]

Beavis: Whoa, hey, check it out. I think that's that bell that they, like, taught us about in history class, where they like, rang it, and then put a big crack in it.
Butt-head: No, Beavis. You're thinking of Bible class, when they talked about how God created the butt.
Beavis: Oh yeah. And then he created poop.
Butt-head: That's in that Doo-doo-ronemy section.
Beavis: The Bible kicks ass.

Beavis: Hey, check it out. It's Dean and Gene Ween.
Butt-head: Ween.
Beavis: Ween kicks ass.
Butt-head: Yeah. This is kinda groovy.
Beavis: [screeches] Freedom! Yeah, this is kinda groovy.

Beavis: How does he do that? How does he sing all high and stuff?
Butt-head: Uhh, I think if you snip your nads off, it'll make you sing high like this.
Beavis: Really? That's cool.
Butt-head: You should try it, Beavis.
Beavis: Um...no, I don't think so.
Butt-head: Why not? Have you ever used your nads for anything?
Beavis: Not really. No, I guess not.
Butt-head: Don't your nads just, like, get in the way all the time and hurt when they get kicked and stuff?
Beavis: Yeah, I guess so.
Butt-head: Then why not just cut 'em off and see what happens?
Beavis: Let me just wait a minute, because I might need 'em for doing it.
Butt-head: Beavis, that's what your wiener's for, you don't need your nads for that.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Are you trying to trick me, Butt-head?
Butt-head: No.
Beavis: Well, do you use your nads for anything?
Butt-head: No. [Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles] AAAAAAAAAUUUUHHHHHH!!! Damn it, Beavis.
Beavis: See? That's what nads are for. Bunghole.

Ween, I Can't Put My Finger On It[edit]

Butt-head: Uhhh....hey Beavis. Do something, like, I dunno, something funny, or something.
Beavis: Okay. Um...let me see. Check this out. [blows a huge raspberry]
Butt-head: Uhh, that was pretty cool, but you've done that before.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Then you do something! You think I'm just here to entertain you?
Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis.
Beavis: You think I'm just here for your amusement? You wanna do something about it?
Butt-head: Dumbass.

Butt-head: These dudes need to quit screwing around and get back to making sandwiches.
Beavis: But it is kind of a good song, like, if you kinda listen to it for a while, it is pretty cool.
Butt-head: Beavis, you bunghole! Quit talking about this video and do something funny again.
Beavis: Okay, check this out. [blows a huge raspberry]
Butt-head: That's not even funny, Beavis. You have to do it like this. [puts his finger between his lips and babbles] A-blblblblblblblblblbl.
Beavis: Oh yeah.
Butt-head: Now see, that's cool.
Beavis: Yeah, I see what you mean. Okay, check this out. [babbles] A-blblblblblblblblblbl.

Ween, Push the Little Daises[edit]

Butt-head: Hey Beavis, this guy sounds like you.
Beavis: Shut up, fartknocker!

Butt-head: That dude's wearing a Yamaha.

Gene Ween: If you think that I'm a loser...
Beavis: He is a loser!
Butt-head: This guy sucks!

Gene Ween: Push th' little daisies and make 'em come up!
Beavis: [mocking him] Push th' little pansies and make 'em come up! Push th' little pansies and make 'em come up!
Butt-head: That was cool.

Beavis: Check it out, it's Corky!

Butt-head: [changing the channel] Push this!

Butt-head: These guys got no future.

Weezer, Buddy Holly[edit]

Beavis: Um...this is like...um, some show, right?
Butt-head: Uh...of course it is, buttmunch! It's on TV.
Beavis: No but um...I don't think this is a video.
Butt-head: They don't play many videos anymore. It's all like...shows, and people snowboarding and stuff.

Beavis: I think this is...I think this is like, Happy Days.
Butt-head: Yeah. Crappy days.
Beavis: That was pretty funny, Butt-head. Instead of Happy Days, you called it Crappy Days.

[Singing theme song to Laverne and Shirley]
Beavis: One, two, three, four, a shmeagol! A schlong! A zapadun incorporated!
Butt-head: We're gonna do it!
Beavis: Give us any chance, we'll take it!/Give us any rule, we'll break it! We're gonna make it/we're not gonna break it/all we need is a little bit of patience!

Butt-head: I liked this show better when that other dude owned the restaurant...that dude from The Karate Kid.
Beavis: Oh yeah. [Fake Japanese accent] Daniel-san, if answer come from inside you, always right!
Butt-head: Yeah. That dude could kick Fonzie's ass.
Beavis: Yeah. Fonzie doesn't even know karate.

Butt-head: These dudes were like...always calling each other nerds and stuff.
Beavis: Yeah, I wonder why.
Butt-head: Uh...I think that was back in the old days before they invented words like nads and buttmunch and dumbass.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Things are a lot better now.
Butt-head: Yeah, buttmunch. You know what else they were always saying? "Sit on it."
Beavis: Sit on what...? What? Oh yeah! This is a pretty cool show.

Whale, Hobo Humpin' Slobo Babe[edit]

Butt-head: Rock!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah!
Butt-head: Yes!
Beavis: [sings along] You hobo fumpin' humpin', [forgets the words] ah, ah...bitch!
Butt-head: This kinda like, ah, rocks.
Beavis: Yeah, it's not bad.

Butt-head: Check out that dude in the dress. He's groovin'.
Beavis: [the lead singer can be seen looking at the crotches of several shirtless men] Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, she's inspecting their nads.
Butt-head: Yeah. You call those nads, sir? Drop and give me twenty!
Beavis: Yeah, back in line!

[one of the band members waves towards the lead singer's butt]
Butt-head: He's pretending to feel her butt.
Beavis: She won't let him feel her butt because like, he failed the nad inspection.

[the lead singer, licking a lollipop, licks a shirtless man's armpit]

Beavis: Whoa! She just licked that dude's armpit!
Butt-head: Yeah. The guy with the best nads gets his armpit licked.

Butt-head: I bet this chick would like, be into me and stuff because like, you know, she has braces.
Beavis: She's probably got one of those overbites.
Butt-head: Uh, I wish she'd give me an overbite.

[the lead singer is thrown into the air, and her underwear can be seen underneath her skirt]
Beavis: Whoa, look at that! I didn't know chicks in videos wore underpants!
Butt-head: Beavis, if I ever catch you looking at my woman's drawers again, I'm gonna kick your ass.
Beavis: She's not your woman, Butt-head! She's never even seen you.
Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, this chick loves me, and I love her.

Wham!, Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go[edit]

Butt-head: He's smiling at you, Beavis.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!

Butt-head: This guy always likes to show off his butt.
Beavis: Yeah. And his butt sucks.
Butt-head: Oh yeah? How do you know?
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I'll kick your ass!

Wilco, Box Full of Letters[edit]

Beavis: Um...wow. Something's different about this.
Butt-head: Uhh...yeah. It's like, it sounds different, and looks different than like, most other videos you see lately.
Beavis: Yeah yeah. Kinda cool, yeah.

Butt-head: I'm hungry, Beavis. Go make some pancakes.
Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, I wanna watch this.
Butt-head: Uhh, you can watch it later. It's gonna be on about 50 times.
Beavis: Really? Well, okay. I guess I can make some pancakes. [exits the room. all further lines are yelled from the kitchen] Okay, where's the syrup?!
Butt-head: [calling out ] You gotta make the pancakes first, dumbass!
Beavis: Um...where's the spatula?
Butt-head: Uhh, I think it's in my bedroom!
Beavis: Oh, okay! [Beavis can be heard running]
Butt-head: Look under the bed!
Beavis: Oh, there's the pan, too! Cool! [walks back to the kitchen, passes by Butt-head] Hey, how's it going?
Butt-head: Hey. Pretty good.
Beavis: [hums] Dun dun da dun...[yells from the kitchen] How's that video?
Butt-head: It's pretty cool, now shut up and get cooking!
Beavis: How much mayonnaise do I put in?
Butt-head: None!
Beavis: One what? Okay, I'll just put one cup then. [long beat] Hey Butt-head, is there supposed to be smoke?
Butt-head: Uhh, I think so. [the smoke alarm goes off]
Beavis: AAH! OW!!

Wilson Phillips, Release Me[edit]

Butt-head: Hey Beavis, you get the one in the middle.
Beavis: Shut up peckerwood! She's yours.

Butt-head: Their parents were in the Beatles.
Beavis: These chicks sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks.
Butt-head: Yeah, I like Theodore. He's cool.
Beavis: Which one's Theodore?
Butt-head: He's the fat one. I bet the fat one has a big butt. "I like big butts and I will not lie! You other brothers can't deny!"

Winger, Seventeen[edit]

Butt-head: His teeth are whiter than white!
Beavis: Yeah, they're "white"!

Butt-head: These guys live on the edge!
Beavis: Yeah, the edge of "Wuss Cliff"!

Butt-head: This is Joey Buttafuoco's theme song.

Y[edit]

Yanni, Reflections of Passion[edit]

Butt-head: Life. What a beautiful choice.
Beavis: Life. It sucks! All these kids have one thing in common - they're all here because a couple people did it. [Yanni fades in on screen] Whoa, look at that, it's Geraldo!
Butt-head: Oh no. This is Yanni.
Beavis: Come on, change it, Butt-head.
Butt-head: I can't believe they're even showing this.
Beavis: Yeah, really.
Butt-head: This guy is the biggest butthole I've ever seen in my life.
Beavis: Yeah. Change it, Butt-head. Come on, gimme that!
Butt-head: Uhh, wait a minute, I think it's about to rock. [turns the volume up as loud as it can go]
Beavis: Come on, dammit Butt-head, cut it out!
Butt-head: No way, Beavis. You like this.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! No I don't! Turn it down!
Butt-head: Hey Beavis, did you know that this guy is your dad?
Beavis: AAAAAAHHHH!!! NOOOOOO!!!!
Butt-head: You're a dumbass, Beavis. You just, like, believe anything anybody tells you.
Beavis: Um, no. I was just kidding.

Beavis: Check it out. She's leaving him because he sucks.

Yes, Owner of a Lonely Heart[edit]

Butt-head: Yep, that's him, officer.
Beavis: Book him, Danno.
Butt-head: Kick him, Danno.
Beavis: And punch him! He deserves it. He sucks!
Butt-head: We charge you with being in a sucky video for a crappy song.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Guilty as charged!

Beavis: Whoa, where are they taking him?
Butt-head: I think they're gonna go torture him somewhere, like, to get him to say something.
Beavis: Oh yeah. You mean, like, "I'm a monkey's uncle"?
Butt-head: No, dumbass! Like, y'know, where the money is, or something like that.
Beavis: If I was that dude, I'd just, like, kick 'em in the nads, and then like smack their heads together, then just like tear ass!
Butt-head: Beavis, if that was you, they'd just, like, touch you, and then you'd go "Aaaahhh!!! I'm a monkey's uncle and I put the money in my backyard!"
Beavis: No sir! Buttmunch.

Butt-head: They're making him fight the janitor.
Beavis: Fight, yeah!
Butt-head: If I was a janitor, I'd like, throw a bunch of sawdust with puke at him, and then I'd go "Now who's bad?"

[a man jumps off a tall building]

Butt-head: Whoa.
Beavis: Yeah yeah, now this is gettin' good. [The man transforms into a bird] What? He turned into a bird!
Butt-head: If I could turn into a bird, I'd turn into a cock.
Beavis: Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Yolanda Be Cool feat. DCUP, We No Speak Americano[edit]

Butt-head: This first part of the song sounds like the music they play at the Olive Garden.
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. But then it kicks ass later.
Butt-head: Yeah. The Olive Garden kicks ass too.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I like to go there and stuff my face with breadsticks, 'cause they're free.
Butt-head: If you leave that place hungry, you're just stupid.

[At the chorus]
Beavis: Now this is the cool part of the song.
Butt-head: Yeah. Remember when you asked that waitress at the Olive Garden to dance, and then she slapped you and the manager threw you out.
Beavis: Oh yeah. That was cool.
Butt-head: She probably would have danced with me because I have better moves.
Beavis: No you don't. Check this out. [Beavis pretends to penetrate the top of the couch and sings the beat]
Butt-head: Uh... your moves suck, Beavis. Check this out. [Beavis flails his arms while Butt-head jumps from one side to the other]
Beavis: No soy Americano...

Gary Young, Plantman[edit]

Beavis: Um...is this Robert Plant?
Butt-head: Plantman? What's that?
Beavis: Whoa, check it out, that's that thing I always play on the drums. I can play that. [imitates randomly hitting a drum kit] Dadadadah dudududuh dudududuh dudududuh duh!
Butt-head: That's probably the only thing this guy can play. He like, brings his friends over and goes "Hey check this out. Dudududuh dudududuh dudududuh duh!"

Butt-head: He's probably like, one of those rich kids. Like, his parents bought him a guitar, and he couldn't play that either.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. And then he said "Well, maybe if I get a really cool suit, then that'll help."

Butt-head: Dammit. This Nickelodeon crap has gone too far.

Beavis: Heyy, Butt-head. Heyy, I just thought of something. Who do you think would win in a fight between Plantman and Spoonman?
Butt-head: Uhh...I think Spoonman would win, cause he's, like, a bum. And he could, like, beat his head with spoons.
Beavis: Heyy, I just thought of something else.
Butt-head: How come you keep doing that, Beavis?
Beavis: Doing what?
Butt-head: That thing where you go "Heyy,"
Beavis: I dunno. It kinda feels good. Heyy, how's it goin'? Heyy.
Butt-head: Uhh, heyy. This does feel pretty good.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Heyy.
Butt-head: Heyy.
Beavis: This feels good. Heyy!
Butt-head: Heyy.
Beavis: Heyy!
Butt-head: Heyy.

Z[edit]

Frank Zappa, You Are What You Is[edit]

Butt-head: Whoa! That dude has lettuce on his head.
Beavis: His head is lettuce. Lettuce spray, ssspray. [blows a long loud raspberry]
Butt-head: Cut it out, Beavis! What are you doing?
Beavis: I'm spraying. [blows another raspberry]
Butt-head: That's pretty cool. When did you start doing that?
Beavis: Just now.

Butt-head: Boy, this really sucks. [changes the channel]

[after watching the Europeans' "We Are Animals" for a long time, they change back to the station where the Frank Zappa video was playing]
Butt-head: This is still on? That pisses me off!
Beavis: That sucks! It's bad enough, like, when stuff sucks. But when it's really long, that sucks.

MTV Programming[edit]

Jersey Shore[edit]

Jenni Jwoww: When I'm 80 years old, and I'm teaching my kids how to make pizza, and they ask me, "Oh, where'd you make pizza?" Bitch, I made it in Florence! That's where I made pizza!
Beavis: So she's gonna call her grandkids, bitch?
Butt-Head: You're the best grandma ever, Grandma Jwoww.
Beavis: Yeah, please don't hit us again. Yeah, are Uncle Juice-Head and Grandpa Gorilla gonna help us make pizza?
Butt-Head: Grandma Jwoww, where did you get syphilis?
Beavis: Yeah, tell us that story, bitch!

Ronnie: GO!!!
Beavis: Yeah, GO! Get in there, and have sex with him, now!
Butt-Head: You're wasting all our time!
Beavis: What TV show do you think you're on here?! Come on!

16 and Pregnant[edit]

Megan: Dunno how you're gonna help me take care of the baby, with a controller in your hand.
Butt-Head: This chick is a horrible actor.
Beavis: Yeah, really.
Nathan: [playing X-Box] I got nothing better to do.
Megan: That's what you said like two weeks ago.
Butt-Head: Uhh, wait a minute. I think this is real!
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah! So she's not a bad actor then! Just a bad person!

Megan: I was hoping Nathan would step it up, but over the next few days, instead of looking for a job, Nathan chose to hang with his friends, and play video games. I don't even know where his head is at anymore.
Butt-Head: [shot of Nathan looking out a window] See? He's looking for a job!
Beavis: Gotta be one out there somewhere...

Teen Mom[edit]

Farrah:I just got my loan for the breast augmentation...
Butt-Head: I-just-got-my-loan-for-the-breast-augmentation-

[Beavis, drinking a soda spits it out in surprise]

Beavis: You can get a loan for big boobs?!
Butt-Head: Uh...wow!
Beavis: I'm gonna take out a loan, to get a bigger schlong!

Farrah's Nurse: [showing Farrah waivers] This is where you sign your life away.
Butt-Head: Okay-where-do-I-sign?

Michael (Farrah's Father): [after her breast augmentation] Looking good.
Butt-Head: Did her dad just say "Looking good"?
Beavis: Nice boobs, honey!

True Life[edit]

Butt-Head: Toot's....Squatch.
Squatch: Well when I was really really quiet, I was praying last night. Do I need to get the hell away because she is the devil, or is she working for the Lord?
Sammie Jo: ...and what did Jesus say?
Butt-Head: Jesus said she could do better.
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