Beavis and Butt-Head

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Beavis and Butt-Head (1993–1997) is an American animated television series that originally aired on the cable television channel MTV. It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, Beavis and Butt-head.

Contents

[edit] Pilot Episodes

[edit] Frog Baseball

[Beavis is about to set a fly on fire using a lighter]

Butt-head: Light one up its butt.

[Beavis does so, then drops the burning insect in order to see it explode. Both of them are now laughing.]

Butt-head: That was cool.

[The pair both play air guitar, in celebration of their antic, until they see a frog]

Beavis: Look, dude! A Frog!
Beavis and Butt-head: FROG BASEBALL!!
Butt-head: GET IT!!

[Butt-head constantly misses the frog with the bat]

Beavis: Strike One! Strike Two! Strike Thr... AAAARRGH!

[Butt-head hits Beavis on the back of the head with the bat]

Butt-head: Ball.

[Butt-head hits the frog with the baseball bat]

Butt-head: YES!!
Butt-head: That was cool.

[The pair hum out Deep Purple's, "Smoke on the Water," as a celebration for killing the frog. They soon see a poodle nearby]

Beavis: Look, Butt-head! Mrs Higgin's Poodle!
Beavis and Butt-head: DOG BASEBALL!!
Butt-head: GET IT!!

[The pair chase the dog as it fades to the end credits, where the dog is heard wimpering]

[edit] Peace, Love & Understanding

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Blood Drive

[edit] Door To Door

[edit] Sign Here

[edit] Balloon

Butt-Head: Tattoos are cool.
Beavis: Yeah yeah! I'm gonna get one!
Butt-Head: You could have "I'm a puss" tattoo on your butt.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-Head!
Beavis: Think she's a diver?
Butt-Head: Ask your mom.
Beavis: Choadsmoker.

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Be All You Can Be

Sergeant: Seems you boys joined by assigning youselves a rank. So, which one of you signed up as "Major Woody" and "Private Parts?!" Why you little pinkos!

[edit] Customers Suck

[edit] Heroes

[edit] Home Improvement

[edit] Stewart's House

[edit] Yogurt's Cool

[edit] Babes R Us

Butt-head: Hey! Spank your own monkey all you want, but keep your hands off of mine.
Beavis, Butt-head: [in unison] Diarrhea, cha cha cha! Diarrhea, cha cha cha!
Daria: Get a life.

[edit] Friday Night

[edit] Scientific Stuff

Daria: Butt-head, why don't you try this experiment? Analyze the friction caused by digitally oscillating your weiner.

[Beavis and Butt-head both laugh]

Butt-head: That was cool.

[edit] At The Sideshow

[edit] Be All You Can Be

Butt-head: Beavis' dad was in the Navy.
Sgt. Dick Leaky: Is that right?
Butt-head: Yeah. He was a seaman.

[edit] Washing the Dog

Butt-head: [reading off the washing machine] Huh huh huh, it says ‘load'.
Beavis+Butt-head: [[singing to the tune of "Breaking the Law" by Judas Priest ] Washing the dog, washing the dog! Washing the dog!

[edit] Lawn & Garden

Butt-head: Uh, I've been injured.
Phone operator: You have?
Butt-head: Yeah, I've got a big crack in my butt.

[edit] Burger World

Mr. Andreson: Hey, you look kinda familiar. You are not kids that spray painted my dog last week, are you?
Butt-head: Uh huh huh, that was uh... other kids.

[edit] Bedpans & Broomsticks

[edit] Good Credit

[edit] Way Down Mexico Way

Dave: Now it's time for you boys to earn your keep. Look in the glove box.
Butt-head: [opens the glove compartment and pulls out two condoms] Oh no, Dave's gonna boof us.

[edit] For Better or Verse

Mr. Van Driessen: Today, we're going to explore the world of haiku.
Butt-head: We're gonna explore the world of getting high? Cool! Huh huh.
Mr. Van Driessen: No, Butt-head. Not "high, cool". But, the ancient, Japanese, spare, haunting poetry called "haiku".

[edit] Beware of the Butt

[both are hanging upsidedown from the movie sign with their pants down]

Butt-head: [looking at Beavis' butt] Huh huh, your butt kinda looks like baloney. With pimples.
Beavis: Hey! Why are you so interested in my butt!?
Butt-head: Uh....um...that new GWAR album is pretty cool, huh?

[edit] At The Movies

[edit] Sick

[Beavis is licking a toad, as some sort of remedy for his illness]

Butt-head: I don't get it. It's supposed to pack an awesome buzz.

[Beavis spits out the toad]

Beavis: Mmmmmm. Tastes like chicken.

[The pair go looking for the toad]

Beavis and Butt-head: Here, toadie, toadie.

[edit] No Laughing

Mr. Herrera: Bueno. Recuerdan por favor, clase, siempre contestan en Español. Bueno? [he walks to the back of the room with a sign that says Juan es Alto] Senor Butt-head, ¿Como es Juan?
Butt-head: Uh, burritos.
Mr. Herrera: No no no, ¿Como es Juan? ¿Como es Juan?
Butt-head: Uh, guacamole.
Mr. Herrera: No, no. ¿Senor Beavis, Como es Juan?
Beavis: Eh, spaghetti.
Butt-head: Heh heh. Spaghetti?
Mr. Herrera: Spaghetti? That's Italian, you moron! Dammit! You idiots have been in this class for almost a whole school year, and the only Spanish you know is what you learned at Taco Bell!! ..And Beavis can't even get that right! I'm gonna give you little bastards just ten seconds to come up with a sentence in Spanish, and if you can't, you're both going to the principal's office and you're both flunking. [pause] Well, I'm waiting.
Butt-head: Uuuuh.. [mocks Spanish accent] rendo-pordo-curdoh-nut-a-ben-yubarduhvuh Rico Suave. Huh-huh.
Mr. Herrera: Principal's office, now!
Beavis: .....Eh, Taco Supreme.
Mr. Herrera: Get out! Now!
[Butt-Head is holding a pencil over his crotch depicting a penis. He and Beavis are laughing at it. Butt-Head then holds the pencil over his desk and drops it. It hits the desk with the eraser end, causing it to bounce off of the desk. It flies through the air and into Beavis's left eye and Beavis bleeds from his eye, screaming.]
Beavis: [screaming] AAAAGH!! OWW!!!!!!
Butt-head: Whoa, that was cool, it really does happen.
[Beavis pulls the pencil out of his eye socket and chuckles]
Mr. Stevenson: Okay. Armstrong?
Armstrong: Here,
Mr. Stevenson: Armyho?
Armyho: Present.
Mr. Stevenson: Baca?
Baca: Yo!
Mr. Stevenson: Butkis?
Butkis: Here. [Beavis and Butt-Head begin to laugh]
Mr. Stevenson: Dammit, what's wrong with you two? We've been in school over seven months now, and every single day, when I call Daniel Butkis' name, you guys have to laugh. [Beavis & Butt-Head laugh some more] Is it really still that funny? Doesn't it ever get old? Are you gonna laugh for the rest of your lives every time someone says the name Butkis? [Beavis and Butthead laugh] That does it. Principal's office, now!
Mrs. Dickie: Therefore we can say that any two amoeba are identical twins since they have the same genetic makeup. They are all the same sex and can reproduce by themselves. [Beavis and Butt-Head begin to laugh] So all sperm cells contain either an X chromosome or a Y chromosome, and-
Butt-Head: She said sperm.
Mrs. Dickie: Depending on which sperm cell fertilizes the egg - I said, depending on which sperm cell fertilizes the egg, the zygote will be either male or female - SHUT UP!!! [Beavis & Butt-Head continue to laugh] McVicker's office, now!

[At McVicker's Office. Beavis and Butt-head are laughing.]

Principal McVicker: Oh, you guys think this is funny? You've been to four classes today and you've been sent here four times. This laughing thing...What the hell is with this laughing thing?! All the teachers are sick of it! Mr. Sherman, your history teacher, says he's completely given up on trying to teach your class about the gay 90's. [Beavis and Butt-Head start laughing harder] See? See?! Now that's exactly what I'm talking about! You are both suspended for a week!
Butt-Head: [He and Beavis stop laughing temporarily, still grinning] Uhhh... what does that mean?
Principal McVicker: I-I-It means I-I-I don't want to see you anywhere near this school for a whole week!
Butt-Head: Cool! [he and Beavis start to act like they are playing guitars to the riff of 'Paradise City' by Guns n' Roses]
Principal McVicker: SHUT UP! Forget it. No no, you're not suspended. No, I've got a better idea. Yeah, heh-heh-heh-heh!! I'm gonna get you guys this time. [He takes a bottle of whiskey out from under his desk, Beavis and Butthead start laughing again as McVicker drinks the whiskey]
Buzzcut: So, Beavis and Butt-head, I understand Mr. McVicker has made a little arrangement with you guys. Yeah, a little probation. You see, class, Beavis and Butt-head here are not allowed to laugh for a whole week. That's right, and if they do laugh, they'll be expelled, and they'll have to go to Hope High School where they'll get their asses kicked on a daily basis by all the other delinquents. Ha ha ha! [other students laugh] Well, I was real glad to hear that, because this is sex education week. That's right, sex-ed week! We're gonna be talkin' about the PENIS! We'll be talkin' about the VAGINA! Do you think that's funny, Butt-head? Do you find it amusing that we'll be talkin' about the TESTICLES? Yes, we're also gonna be talkin' about VENEREAL DISEASE! SEXUAL INTERCOURSE! And we will definitely be spending a lot of time talking about MASTURBATION!

[Beavis and Butt-head struggle to hold in their laughter]

Buzzcut: Well, now that's out of the way, let's take roll. Butkis!
Butkis: Here. Ha ha ha.
Buzzcut: Gaylord! Highman!

Note: This is the DVD cut version which was edited to be exactly 6 minutes. In the original version, Buzzcut also says that they will be talking about the "scrotum" and "clitoris," but does not take roll of the names with obvious vulgar connotations. Also, a scene at the end in which Beavis and Butt-head say "They said penis...they said masturbation...they said vagina...that was cool" is not present.

[edit] Baby Makes Uh, Three

Butt-head: I am going to beat you like a red-headed stepchild!
Butt-head: And it is with utmost regret that I must report that our baby was stolen by gypsies in the night.

[edit] The Butt-head Experience

[edit] Season 3

[edit] Comedians

Butt-head: Uh...Hey Beavis. I got an idea.
Beavis: Yeah, me too! Let's go over to Stewart's house and burn something. [holds up a lighter]
Butt-head: No, dumbass. Let's become one of those 'stand-up chameleons' and get a bunch of money.
Butt-head: Here's another one. How do you keep a moron in suspense?

[long pause, Beavis stares intently]

Butt-head: ....Uh...I dunno.
Member of Audience: You suck, get off!
Butt-head: Uh, is that what she said?
Beavis: You ever wonder why so much stuff sucks? Sometimes I look at one of these little straws, and I go, 'This sucks'.
Butt-head: Huh huh, this is cool.
Beavis: One thing about gym class....it sucks. Okay, now I'm gonna like...juggle.
Butt-head: Go for it, Beavis!
Beavis: This is gonna be cool. [holds up a newspaper and lights it on fire]

[edit] Carwash

[edit] Couch-Fishing

Policeman: Oh no, not another elderly woman flying down the street. They never learn.
Old woman: What happened to my spectacles?
Butt-head: Uh, your testicles?

[edit] Kidnapped

[edit] Naked Colony

Store clerk: Are you two gonna buy something or are you gonna stare all day?
Butt-head: Uh, we're gonna stare all day.

[edit] Tornado

[edit] Incognito

[edit] Cleaning House

[edit] Scratch 'N' Win

[edit] Scared Straight

[edit] Sperm Bank

Nurse: Well gentlemen, go to work.

[Beavis unzips his pants]

Nurse:...On your tests.
Beavis: ...oh. [zips back up]
Nurse: Where's your container?
Beavis: We were meant to use a container?
Butt-head: He's fallen and he can't 'get it up'.

[edit] Citizen Butt-head

[edit] True Crime

[edit] The Trial

[edit] Ball Breakers

[edit] Buff 'N' Stuff

Buzzcut: You are what you eat! You got three food groups, and they sure as hell ain't fries, Chips Ahoy, and Milk Duds! And you all wonder why your faces look like topographic maps of the Himalayas!
Buzzcut: Are you a man?
Butt-head: Uhhh, yeah.
Buzzcut: What makes you think so?
Butt-head: Uhhh, I got testicles.
Buzzcut: You think that makes you a man? I'll show you a real man... kick me in the jimmy.

[Butt-head kicks him in the nuts, Buzzcut strains]

Buzzcut: Yyyyeessss. Kick me again, harder.

[Butt-head kicks him again, Buzzcut strains]

Buzzcut: Yyyyeessss.
Butt-head: Whoa, that was cool.

[edit] Canoe

[edit] The Crush

[Beavis and Butt-head are eating nachos outside Maxi-mart, when Todd parks his car, running over their trikes]

Todd: Where's the pre-schoolers at who parked their sucky little trikes in my spot?

[The pair raise their hands. Todd holds Butt-head against the window whilst putting his foot on top of Beavis' throat]

Todd: If my arm weren't so sore from my new tattoo, I'd smear both your asses all over the parking lot.
Beavis: Whoa, heh heh, cool.
Todd: Give me those nachos and those fruity whips and I might not shove these handle bars up your butt.
Butt-head: Err, Okay.

[Todd consumes the nachos and drink before driving off]

Todd [Whilst suffocating Butt-head]: What do you fuzz-nuts want?

[edit] Eating Contest

[edit] Foreign Exchange

[edit] Meet God

[edit] Young, Gifted & Crude

[being told about a character from a Swords and Sorcery game]

Butt-head: Hey Beavis...I got a 'charmed long staff' [turns around, then turns back with dice up his nose]

[edit] Plate Frisbee

[edit] Politically Correct

[edit] Sporting Goods

[edit] Closing Time

[edit] Most Wanted

[edit] Season 4

[edit] Wall of Youth

[edit] Cow Tipping

[After mistaking a horse for a cow, they learn to identify cows by 'those fingers next to their butt that you squeeze to get like, milk and stuff']
Beavis: Heh heh, hey Butt-head, squeeze my finger.
Butt-head: Which one, Beavis? The finger by your butt?
Beavis: Heh, yeah! Pull that one.
Butt-head: [sings] Old MacDonald had a farm, E...uhh, I? Z? Is there, like, a Q in there?
Beavis: Yeah, heh heh, [sings] E-I-Q...uhh, Z...M.
Butt-head: Hey Beavis. I heard if you tip a cow over while it's sleeping, cool stuff happens.
Beavis: Really? Like what?
Butt-head: Uh...it falls over?
Beavis: Cool! We're there, dude!

[edit] Trouble Urinating

[edit] Rabies Scare

Butt-head: Woah, check it out.
Beavis: Heh, yeah. Stupid dog.
Butt-head: Uh, I heard if you like, don't act scared, they won't attack you.
Beavis: Heh, how do you do that?

[The dog leaps and bites Beavis' leg]

[talking to some other kids, referring to the dog bite]

Butt-head: Huh huh, you wanna touch his bone?
Beavis: Yeah, heh, touch it.
Kid: Decent! Is it contagous?
Butt-head: No. I disinsfected it. [pours a sports drink onto the wound] Sports drinks have nutrients.
Buzzcut: Listen up, morons. Some short-sighted federal appeals judge says I can't use this on you. [pats batton] But remember this: In this classroomm, I am the judge, the jury and the jailer!
Butt-head: [to Beavis] Does it hurt when I do this? [pokes the bite with the pointy end of a compass]
Beavis: OOOOW!
Butt-head: Huh, that was cool.
Buzzcut: Do you gentlemen have a problem? Do you wish to enlighten the class as to what is festering on your leg, Beavis?
Beavis: Heh, dog bite.
Buzzcut: Well. I thought you looked rabid, boy. Now listen close. Get the hell out of my classroom before you infect anyone else with your sickness! You stink of death! Butt-head! This man requires immediate medical attention!
Butt-head: ...uh....
Buzzcut: HOSPITAL, Butt-head! On the double!
Butt-head: Yessss!
Hospital Receptionist: Can I help you?
Butt-head: Uh, he's got like, rabies or something.
Hospital Receptionist: I see. What's your name?
Butt-head: Uh, last name is 'Munch'. First name is 'Rodney'.
Beavis: Yeah, heh heh, yeah. Rod Munch.
Doctor: So Rod, I understand you got bit by a dog. Well, don't be scared, cause look: a dog bit my thumb off once too, Rod. [does trick that makes it look like he's taking his thumb off]
Butt-head: Uh huh huh. You're stupid.
Beavis: Heh, yeah.
Doctor: Now Rod, I don't suppose you brought the animal with you?
Butt-head: Uh, no. He wasn't like, very friendly.
Beavis: Yeah, heh, he doesn't like me.
Doctor: Well, we'll have to find him anyway. In a suspected case of rabies, the animal has to be destroyed, of course. And to check for presence of the disease, he cut off the head and disect the brain.
Butt-head: Woah. That's cool.
Doctor: Actually, yes. It is kind of cool.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on, Butt-head, let's go find that dog.
Doctor: Not so fast, Rod. Let's talk about your symptoms first. Any dizziness? Nausea? Fever? Any convulsions?
Beavis: Yeah. Heh, uh, no more than usual though.
Doctor: Hmm, so far nothing checks out. Maybe you were lucky.
Butt-head: Uh, you mean like, no decrapitation?
Beavis: I've got it, I've got rabies!
Doctor: ...okay. I'll call the police and let them know about the dog. But first, we better start treatment.
Butt-head: Does he have to get a shot?
Doctor: No.
Beavis: Cool.
Doctor: You have to get 18 of them, Rod.
Butt-head: Yes!
Doctor: In the stomach.
Butt-head: Cool!
Beavis: ....this sucks.
TV: The good news about rabies is that treating it no longer means a series of painful injections into the solar plexus. New vaccines require only 5 simple shots in the arm.
Butt-head: Hey Beavis. How come that stupid doctor didn't know that?
Beavis: Maybe he doesn't watch TV.

[switch to the Doctor, who is in a dark room wielding a needle]

Doctor: Hahahaha! Rod Munch, huh? HAHAHAHA!

[edit] They're Coming To Take Me Away, Huh Huh

Buzzcutt: Now, listen up people. I am not an unreasonable man, but I say that there's nothing wrong with you little monsters that can't be cured by a quick return to the days of CORPOREAL PUNISHMENT!
Buzzcutt: Now, here to talk about your feelings is your new school psychiatrist, Dr. Floss.
Dr. Floss: How about your parents? Your mother, for example. How do you feel about your mother?
Beavis: Um, like this...(gesturing the shape of his mother's body) Yeah. Heh-heh. Kinda like this...(continuing to gesture).
Butt-head: That's not how I feel your mother.
Beavis: Shut up, fartknocker!
[slaps Butt-headdown to the floor]
Beavis: I got the last grape! [takes the last grape sucker]
Butt-head: No way!
Beavis: [Spits on the sucker] My germs! Hey Butt-Head! I always get the grape!


Butt-head: It's not gonna taste like grape, when it's up your butt!
Dr. Floss: [holds up a picture--merely a random pattern] What do you see in this picture?
Butt-head: It's this dude, and he's like "auditioning his finger puppets". Huh huh.
Beavis: Yeah. He's really "shining his helmet".
Dr. Floss: I see. What about this one? [holds up another picture of no particular shape]
Beavis: He's having a tug-of-war with Cyclops!
Butt-head: Woah... Save a little for next time, dude... Paper or plastic, Sir?
Dr. Floss: I see.
Butt-head: Huhuh...he's masturbating.
Dr. Floss: What about this one? [shows a picture of a w:Julio Iglesias-like singer holding his microphone pole between his legs in a suggestive manner]
Butt-head: Uhh...that's just a bunch of lines and stuff.
Dr. Floss: Fascinating. [calls for Principal McVicker via intercom] Principal McVicker, coul you come in here? We've got big problems.

[edit] Jump!

[edit] Pumping Iron

Weight Lifter: You were supposed to be spotting me! Stickboy!
Butt-Head: Uh... There you are. Uhuhuh
Beavis: Yeah yeah, heh heh, I spotted you right over there.
Weight Lifter: [lifts them up by the neck and growls]
Beavis: [while choking] Heh heh hey, don't make me kick your ass.

[The weight lifter throws them through the window]

Butthead: ...Exercise sucks.

[edit] Let's Clean It Up

[edit] 1-900-BEAVIS

Butt-head: Huhuh, I can like, hear her butt!

[edit] Water Safety

[edit] Blackout!

[Beavis and Butt-head are watching TV]
TV Voice-over: We now return to our feature presentation of "Asbestos in Obstectrics."
Bevis: Hey, Butt-head! What is Astesbos?
Butt-head: It's supposed to be, like, this health food or something.
(A blackout occurs, and people are looting around town)
Butt-head: Are they having another one of those Midnight Madness sales?
Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. WE'RE SLASHING PRICES! EVERYTHING MUST GO!

[edit] Late Night With Butt-head

Mr. Van Driessen: Now, I'm going to close my eyes, and I want you to wow me.
Butt-head: Uh...Is that allowed on school property?
Butt-head: (as David Letterman) So we're going to go over our Top 10 List from our home office in Butt, Montana. (bounces pencil on table which goes flying right through Beavis (Paul Shaffer)'s glasses)
Beavis: AGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
Butt-head: WHOA! That was cool!
Butthead: We're gonna kick Letterman's butt.

[edit] The Final Judgement of Beavis

Beavis: So like, in heaven, will all the chicks do anything I want?
St. Peter: No.
Beavis: That sucks. Do I get X-Ray Vision? Can I get some nachos?
St. Peter: No.
Beavis: Are you sure this is heaven?
Beavis: What do you know, asswipe?
St. Peter: I know everything, buttmunch.
Butt-head: Beavis is not dog food. He's worm food.

[edit] Pool Toys

Tom Anderson: You know, when a man builds a new swimming pool, there's some things he just can't do by himself.
Butt-head: Beavis does things by himself.
Tom Anderson: (Cleaning his glasses, unable to notice that his two workers are Beavis and Butt-Head) Well I can see you boys ain't like the usual hooligans running around here. Like these two fellows, uh, Buff-Coat and Beaver. Boy they've been nothing but trouble.

[edit] Madame Blavatsky

[edit] Beavis and Butt-head Island

  • Salesclerk: You boys don't look like you can afford anything in the store. Am I right?
  • Butt-head: Uhh...
  • Beavis: Umm...
  • Salesclerk: ONLY paying customers are allowed to come here and stare. Now, get out!

[edit] Figure Drawing

[after the male model becomes nude]

Butt-head: Uh, tacos? You said there were tacos?
Beavis: I don't feel too good. I don't want to draw some dude's schlong.

[edit] Date Bait

[edit] Butt Is It Art?

Butt-head: [referring to a nude male statue's penis] Huhuh...it's hard, but it's not, like, hard.
Mr. Van Driessen: Very good, Butt-head!
Mr. Van Driessen: Now, works by the master painters of the centuries!

[Beavis and Butt-head break into laughter. Daria enters]

Daria: He said master painters!

[Daria exits]

Butt-head: Oh!
Beavis: Yeah, master painting is cool.
Beavis: What did you bring back, Butt-head?
Butt-head: One huge boob. [shows Beavis] What did you bring back?

[Beavis shows Butt-head a picture of something flesh colored]

Butt-head: Uh, what is it?
Beavis: Heh heh. It's a butt.

[edit] Right On

Gus Baker: You've got the Gus Baker show, and the first topic: The death penalty! Yes or no?!
Butt-head: Yes!
Beavis: Yes! The chair!! The chair!!! The chair!!!
Gus Baker: In my opinion, you betcha!
Butt-head: Yes!
Beavis: Yes! The chair!! The chair!!
Gus Baker: And they call me reactionary...because I believe that criminals should be punished, and ordinary Americans like you and me should have the right to carry guns!
Butt-head: This dude's cool.
Gus Baker: Also on today's show: Music videos! Who makes these affronts to common decency?! Where I come from, we have a word for garbage like that!!
Butt-head: Yeah. They suck!!
Gus Baker: But first, a commercial! Our lines are open! Give us a call!
Butt-head: We think you're, like, cool.
Beavis: Yeah, especially the part about giving dudes the chair. The chair!! The chair!!
Gus Baker: The death penalty?
Beavis: Yeah, and what you said about bums.
Butt-head: And music videos.
Gus Baker: Well, you know what they say--great minds think alike! Listening to you boys, I can tell that our younger generation still has the moral strength and character to make this country great again!
Butt-head: Uhh...what?
Gus Baker: Last week we heard from two boys whose characters were so impressive we brought them out here for today's show! Please welcome Beavis and, uh, Buth-coat!!
Gus Baker: Now, people say that yours is a lost generation...violent, lazy, uneducated, sexually active!!
Butt-head: Huhuh, not Beavis.
Beavis: Heheh, yeah, Butt-head doesn't get any either.
Gus Baker: Well, you two are certainly fine upstanding young men...a credit to the youth of America!
Butt-head: (looking around at the applauding "dittoheads" in the audience) Hey Beavis, you see any chicks?
Gus Baker: Okay, now, boys, I want to ask you: As decent young men,don't you agree with me that there is something very, very wrong with these so-called "music videos?"
Beavis and Butt-head: Yeah!! Really!!
Gus Baker: These "rock videos" are immoral! Indecent! Profane! Scurrillous! And blasphemous!
Beavis: Yeah! They suck! THEY SUCK!!! Indecent! Profane!
Butt-head: Yeah, especially Meatloaf. He sucks!
Gus Baker: Hey! We're on the air! You can't use that language!
Beavis: We use language?
Butt-head: (after Gus Baker whispers into his ear) Hey, Beavis, he says we can't say "sucks."
Beavis: Really? That sucks.
Butt-head: Can we say "buttwipe?"
Beavis: Yeah, how about "bunghole"? Bunghole!
Butt-head: What about buttmunch?
Beavis: Yeah heheh, buttmunch. Or dillhole?
Butt-head: Dillweed?
Gus Baker: Hey! Do you use that language at home?
Butt-head: Uhh...yeah!
Beavis: Hey Gus...Peek-a-boo!! (moons the audience)
Gus Baker: (running in front of Beavis) Cut to the commercial! GET THESE LITTLE BASTARDS OUT OF HERE!!!
Butt-head: Uhh...do you use that language at home?
Beavis: Peek-a-boo!! (presumably moons the security guards who pull him and Butt-head off stage)
Butt-head: (watching a replay in which Beavis' mooning is pixelated) Hey Beavis...what's all that fuzzy stuff on your butt?
Beavis: I don't know...is it still there? (mooning Butt-head)
Butt-head: Uh, no...but it wouldn't hurt to wipe once in a while.
Beavis: Uh...heheh, oh yeah, sorry. I was in a hurry.
Butt-head: Beavis, get your butt out of my face and into that bathroom. Now.
Beavis: Heheh, oh yeah, sorry.

(In the DVD cut, after Beavis moons Butthead he goes straight to simply responding "Beavis, get your butt out of my face now" and the episode ends.)

[edit] Manners Suck

Beavis: [acting as a waiter] Uh, hi, Butt-head.
Butt-head: Hi, Master Beavis.
Beavis: I was suppose to introduce me, bunghole! Uh, welcome to a restaurant. Would you like to take my order?
Butt-head: Yeah, get me some nachos, buttwipe!
Mr. Manners [to Butt-head]: Listen, you little... twerp! This is my job, this is how I make money! Don't screw with me! [goes back to his place] Now, let's have some manners!
Beavis: Hey Butt-head. Don't screw with him.
Butt-head: Yeah, he sure does like to touch.
Beavis: He tried to touch my weiner!
Mr. Manners: WHAT? YOU LITTLE LIAR! [starts strangling Beavis]
Beavis: BACK OFF, YOU PERVERT!

[edit] The Pipe of Doom

Butt-head: I wonder if they’re like, pipes for water, or pipes for crap?
Beavis: It would be cool if they had pipes with crap and turds running through them.
Butt-head: They do, dumbass. How do you think all that crap gets out of your house?
Beavis: It doesn't. It's in my basement in little jars.
Butt-head: Thats pretty disgusting, Beavis.
Butt-head: I can't get out. I'm, like, stuck. Huh huh.
Beavis: Really, heh heh. That's cool.
Butt-head: It's not cool, Beavis. I'm not sure yet, but I think it sucks.

[edit] Safe Driving

[edit] Mr. Anderson's Balls

Beavis: Tit-le-ist!
Butt-head: Beavis, your balls are filthy. Go to the ball washer, now!

(Beavis starts pumping ball washer)

Golf Instructor: "You're pulling your head on every stroke."

(They laugh; Beavis pumps washer faster)

Golf Instructor: "Let me see your bag."

(They laugh; Beavis pumps washer even faster)

Golf Instructor: "Here, take your wood and try using a different grip on the shaft."

(They laugh)

Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. We could get rich doing this. We need to get more balls.
Beavis: [laughs] You've got to hear what you just said, Butt-head. You said heh, "we need to get more balls."
Butt-head: Huh huh huh, oh yeah.

[edit] Patients Patients

Orthodontist: Well, Butt-head, we're not seeing a lot of progress here. Have you been wearing your rubber bands and headgear at night?
Butt-head: Huh huh huh, headgear.
Buzzcut: Now, Butt-head! You've waited your whole life to say this in class without getting in any trouble. Our topic for today is? [SEXUAL INTERCOURSE is written on the board]
Butthead: [with mouth wired shut, unable to talk clearly] SEFUAL INTERCOUSE!
Buzzcut: Say it, you pantywaste! Say it!
Butthead: [still muffled] SEFUAL INTERCOUSE!
Buzzcut: Get out of my class you insuboridnated maggot! Beavis! What does this say?
Beavis: [wearing unneeded glasses, cannot read] Uh...uh...uh...
Buzzcut: GET OUT!
Optometrist: Now what do you see [points to vision test board]
Beavis: Ummm. Uh, the alphabet. Heh Heh.

[edit] Teen Talk

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, someone like, stole our women!
Butt-head: That sucks.
Beavis: Yeah! It doesn't just suck, Butt-head, it like ahhh, REALLY sucks! We're never gonna score! We’re gonna be wussies! Forever!
Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis!
Beavis: No, I can't settle down! We're NEVER gonna score! We’ll get cars and like, we'll get jobs, and we'll have to like, mow lawns and scrub the grill, but we're never gonna score EVER! It's gonna suck!
Bouncer: Hey, I warned you to be quiet! Don't make me come up there!
Beavis: Shut up, asswipe! You probably score! And you're a dork! I'm NEVER gonna score! I'M NEVER GONNA SCORE! IT'S GONNA SUCK! AHHHHHHHHH! AAAHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH!

[edit] Crisis Line

[edit] Vs. The Vending Machine

Butt-head: Uh...I need like, 60 cents, 'cause my friend's like, uh, starving and stuff.
Old woman: Really? Well, where is your friend?
Butt-head: