Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis and Butt-Head (1993–1997, 2011-present) is an American animated television series that originally aired on the cable television channel MTV. It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, Beavis and Butt-head.

Pilot Episodes

Frog Baseball

[Beavis is about to set a fly on fire using a lighter]

Butt-head: Light one up its butt.

[Beavis does so, then drops the burning insect in order to see it explode. Both of them are now laughing.]

Butt-head: That was cool.

[The pair both play air guitar, in celebration of their antic, until they see a frog]

Beavis: Look, dude! A frog!

Beavis and Butt-head: FROG BASEBALL!!

Butt-head: GET IT!!

---

[Butt-head constantly misses the frog with the bat]

Beavis: Strike One! Strike Two! Strike Thr... AAAARRGH!

[Butt-head hits Beavis on the back of the head with the bat]

Butt-head: Ball. Huh huh.

[Butt-head hits the frog with the baseball bat]

Butt-head: YES!!

---

Butt-head: That was cool.

[The pair hum out Deep Purple's "Smoke on the Water" as a celebration for killing the frog. They soon see a poodle nearby]

Beavis: Look, Butt-head! Mrs. Higgins' poodle!

Beavis and Butt-head: DOG BASEBALL!!

Butt-head: GET IT!!

[The pair chase the dog as it fades to the end credits, where the dog is heard wimpering]

---

Season 1

Blood Drive

Beavis: Don't wanna fall in mud!

Butt-head: All I wanna do is sell my blood!

Beavis: What do you think they pay for like a gallon of blood?

Butt-head: Just be cool Dude! Don't take their first offer!

Beavis: How they do like get it out Dude?

Butt-head: They give you a big knife, then you cut your hand and like bleed in the bucket. Huh, Huh

Beavis: Hea hea, that's cool!

Butt-head: They give you a big old bottle of 'Mad Dog 20/20' to drink first. Huh, Huh

Beavis: High Test!

Butt-head: And then, when you're done. Don't forget to stand up realy fast.

Beavis: Hmmhhh

Butt-head: If you're lucky you'll pass out!

Beavis: Cool!

Sign Here

van Driesson: Now people, do you know what I mean, when I say that animals are sentient creatures? Daria?

Daria: They think and feel just like us?

van Driesson: Wel just like most of us, anyway. And that brings us to our next class project. : Did you know people that a furrier is planning to set up a shop in this town ?

Butt-Head: Huh Huh, furrier than who? Huh Huh

Beavis: Heh Heh, Yeah Heh Heh

van Driesson: Who can tell me how they kill these poor little animals that they use to make those furs? Anybody?

Daria: Anal electrocution?

van Driesson: That's correct.

Beavis: What's that mean ?

van Driesson: Tell the class, Daria.

Daria: 50.000 Volts up the butt!

Butt-Head: Huh Huh, That'd be cool!

Beavis: Wonder what that feels like.

Butt-Head: Huh Huh, ask your Dad! Huh Huh

van Driesson: Do you wanna say something, Butt-Head?

Butt-Head: Er, Huh Huh, on behalf of the class I would like to propose a field trip so we can observe this freeing techniques!

van Driesson: I don't think so,Butt-Head! In fact, I think our duty as passengers on spaceship earth is to put a stop to these monstrous acts right away! So class, our assignment is a lesson in the people's power. We're going to take a petition door to door and collect enough signatures to keep the furriers out of town.

[Beavis & Butt-Head going from door to door]

Butt-Head: Er wanna save some mixed butts ?

[Next]

Beavis: Er,you like animals ?

Woman: What ? What ? Just a minute. Shut up ! Shut up or I have to put your slipe! Now, what did you want ?

Butt-Head: Er never mind ! Huh Huh

[ On the way to the next door]

Beavis: No one is gonna sign this thing!

Butt-Head: Yeah! huh huh! Petitions are stupid!

[Next]

Drunken man: What do you want ?

Butt-Head: Huh Huh, check this out! We're givin away beer! Just sign here!

Balloon

Butt-Head: Tattoos are cool.

Beavis: Yeah yeah! I'm gonna get one!

Butt-Head: You could have "I'm a puss" tattoo on your butt.

Beavis: Shut up, Butt-Head!

---

Beavis: Think she's a diver?

Butt-Head: Ask your mom.

Beavis: Choadsmoker.

---

[after Beavis and Butt-head inhaled the helium from the balloons to get a buzz]

Beavis: [high-pitched voice] I don't feel nothing.

Butt-head: [high-pitched voice] Huh huh huh. What's wrong with your voice, dude?

Beavis: [high-pitched voice] What's wrong with yours?

Butt-head: [high-pitched voice] Oh no.

Both: [high-pitched voices] WE'RE NEUTERED!

Season 2

Be All You Can Be

Sergeant: Seems you boys joined by assigning youselves a rank. So, which one of you signed up as "Major Woody" and "Private Parts?!" Why you little pinkos!

---

Sergent: I can get you delayed entery, your own uniforms, grenades, and ammo. I can probilby get you station over at Fort Dix.

Butt-Head: Fort Dix? Is that anywere near fort nuts?

---

Sergent: Has anybody in your familiy been in the service?

Butt-Head: Uh, Beavis's dad was in the navy.

Sergent: Is that so?

Butt-Head: Yea he was a seman.

Customers Suck

Mr. Stevenson: Excuse me are your milkshakes made from real milk and ice cream, or do you use that reconsitited shake mix stuff.

Beavis: Ya

Mr. Stevenson: What do you mean ya? Ya, you use the shake mix? Or ya, you use the real stuff?

Beavis: Ya

Mr. Stevenson: Let me talk to the manager.

Beavis: Ya

Butt-Head: Uhh I'm an assistant manager, is there something I can help you with?

Mr. Steavenson: Yes, I'm trying to ask a simple question. Are your shakes made with shake mix, or ice cream and milk?

Butt-Head: Uhh, we have chocolate, vanella, and strawberry.

---

Butt-Head: (over the drive thru speaker) Uh go away. Were like closed or something.

Stewart's House

[after Beavis and Butt-Head flipping through the channel until the ad for the Death Truck on Pay-per View appears]

Beavis: Yes! Order it, dude!

Butt-Head: We can't. Huh huh. They locked us out after Steven Seagal Month.

Beavis: That sucks!

---

Butt-Head: Hey, Beavis. I heard you filled the real gas and light a match, all the oxygen disappears and we get a killer buzz!

---

Mr. Stevenson: This is bad, boys, for a number of reasons. First is the trust factor. Stewart, we trusted you to stay home unsupervised. Now you violated that trust, didn't you?

[Beavis and Butt-head laugh]

Mr. Stevenson: Now you two, you came into my house and you blew it up. Luckily, I've got homeowner's insurance.

Butt-head: Huh huh huh. I bet you do.

---

Beavis and Butt-Head: STEWART'S HOUSE!!!

Babes R Us

Butt-head: Hey! Spank your own monkey all you want, but keep your hands off of mine.

---

Beavis, Butt-head: [in unison] Diarrhea, cha cha cha! Diarrhea, cha cha cha!

Daria: Get a life.

---

Butt-head:go away, diarrhea!

Friday Night

Both Beavis and Butt-Head: SATURDAY NIGHT!!

Scientific Stuff

Daria: Butt-head, why don't you try this experiment? Analyze the friction caused by digitally oscillating your weiner.

[Beavis and Butt-head both laugh]

Butt-head: That was cool.

---

Be All You Can Be

Butt-head: Beavis' dad was in the Navy.

Sgt. Dick Leaky: Is that right?

Butt-head: Yeah. He was a seaman.

---

Washing the Dog

Butt-head: [reading off the washing machine] Huh huh huh, it says ‘load'.

---

Beavis+Butt-head: [[singing to the tune of "Breaking the Law" by Judas Priest ] Washing the dog, washing the dog! Washing the dog!

---

Butt-head: [placing the dog in a washing machine] It's a poodle, set it on "delicate".

---

Beavis: Hea hea, I barfed on the dog.

Butt-Head: Huh huh, I barfed on you.

Lawn & Garden

Phone operator: Injury hotline

Butt-head: Uh, I've been injured.

Phone operator: You have?

Butt-head: Yeah, I've got a big crack in my butt.

---

Butt-head: We're gonna have to charge you extra.

---

(Beavis and Butt-Head are playing court in an open field next to the street, using a grasshopper as the defendant)

Butt-Head: Huh,huh, this court is now in session.

Beavis: I know you've sworn sir, and I've read your complaint. Heh,heh.

(Butt-Head punches Beavis in the face)

Butt-Head: It's my turn to be the judge asswipe! Huh,huh,huh,..This court is now in session. Iknow you've sworn sir, and I've read your complaint. How does you hold against the charges of......

Beavis: Trespassing! Heh,heh,heh.

Butt-Head: Yeah, and buzzing around and getting in my face and stuff. Huh,huh,huh, has the jury reached the verdict?

Beavis: The defence rests.

Butt-Head: Yeah huh,huh,huh, shut up! I herby sentence the defendant to death by ........ uh..death by... huh,huh,huh, sawing off his twiener! Huh,huh,huh,huh,huh.

Beavis: (Beavis whips out Mr. Anderson's chainsaw and mutilates the grasshopper;also chopping off Butt-Head's index finger which bleeds continuously)

Beavis and Butt-Head: (singing Judas Priest Breaking the Law) BREAKING THE LAW, BREAKING THE LAAAAWWWWWW; BREAKING THE LAW, BREAKING THE LAAAAWWWWWWW!!!!!

Butt-Head: (index finger is still bleeding) Huh, huh, huh.... cool.

---

Mr. Anderson: What are ya'll doin'? Chokin' your chicken? Come on let's get to prunin'.

---

Mr. Anderson: [To the police after Beavis and Butt-Head stole his lawnmower] One calls himself Butthole and the other's name's Joe I think.

Cop: What did they look like.

Mr. Anderson: I beleve they were oriental.

Burger World

Mr. Andreson: Hey, you look kinda familiar. You ain't them kids that spray painted my dog last week, are you?

Butt-head: Uh huh huh, that was uh... other kids.

---

Mr. Anderson: Large fries, pie, large coffie NOW.

Butt-Head: Uhh...

Mr. Anderson: I didn't order uhh.

Good Credit

Beavis: hey butthead, look what i found yesterday.

Butt-head: WOAH, where'd ya find it?

Beavis: Anderson's house.

---

Pet store attendent: Will there be anythings else?

Butt-Head: Do you have any dead animals?

Way Down Mexico Way

Dave: Now it's time for you boys to earn your keep. Look in the glove box.

Butt-head: [opens the glove compartment and pulls out two condoms] Oh no, Dave's gonna boof us.

---

Butt-head: Mexico really sucks!

---

For Better or Verse

Mr. Van Driessen: Today, we're going to explore the world of haiku.

Butt-head: We're gonna explore the world of getting high? Cool! Huh huh.

Mr. Van Driessen: No, Butt-head. Not "high, cool". But, the ancient, Japanese, spare, haunting poetry called "haiku".

Butt-head: That was cool uh-uh, when we killed that frog, uh-uh. He won't croak again.

---

Beware of the Butt

[both are hanging upsidedown from the movie sign with their pants down]

Butt-head: [looking at Beavis' butt] Huh huh, your butt kinda looks like baloney. With pimples.

Beavis: Hey! Why are you so interested in my butt!?

Butt-head: Uh....um...that new GWAR album is pretty cool, huh?

---

[Beavis and Butt-head has just taken a picture of the disgusting butt, assuming it belongs to an ugly man having sex with a beautiful woman. They are soon scared when they see the real owner of the butt, an obese woman pop her face in front of the van's back window to face them]

Woman: You boys think you have a problem with my butt! I'm gonna kick your butts all over this drive in!

---

Womam: You boys ready to die!

Beavis and Butt-head: :[Screams] Buttwoman!

[The obese woman laughs maniacally and chases the boys around. They fall down after jumping over the fence and are later seen hanging upsidedown without their pants. On the Drive-In Sign, it says "Hello, Look At Our Butts!"]

Sick

[Beavis is licking a toad, as some sort of remedy for his illness]

Butt-head: I don't get it. It's supposed to pack an awesome buzz.

[Beavis spits out the toad]

Beavis: Mmmmmm. Tastes like chicken.

[The pair go looking for the toad]

Beavis and Butt-head: Here, toadie, toadie.

---

No Laughing

Mr. Herrera: Bueno. Recuerdan por favor, clase, siempre contestan en Español. Bueno? [he walks to the back of the room with a sign that says Juan es Alto] Senor Butt-head, ¿Como es Juan?

Butt-head: Uh, burritos.

Mr. Herrera: No no no, ¿Como es Juan? ¿Como es Juan?

Butt-head: Uh, guacamole.

Mr. Herrera: No, no. ¿Senor Beavis, Como es Juan?

Beavis: Um, spaghetti.

Butt-head: Heh heh. Spaghetti?

Mr. Herrera: Spaghetti? That's Italian, you moron! Dammit! You idiots have been in this class for almost a whole school year, and the only Spanish you know is what you learned at Taco Bell!! ..And Beavis can't even get that right! I'm gonna give you little bastards just ten seconds to come up with a sentence in Spanish, and if you can't, you're both going to the principal's office and you're both flunking. [pause] Well, I'm waiting.

Butt-head: Uuuuh.. [mocks Spanish accent] rendo-pordo-curdoh-nut-a-ben-yubarduhvuh Rico Suave. Huh-huh.

[The class are heard laughing.]

Mr. Herrera: Principal's office, now!

Beavis: [Gears are turning in his head] Uh, Taco Supreme.

[The class continues laughing.]

Mr. Herrera: Get out! Now!

---

[Butt-Head is holding a pencil over his crotch depicting an erected penis. He and Beavis are laughing at it. Butt-Head then holds the pencil over his desk and drops it. It hits the desk with the eraser end, causing it to bounce off of the desk. It flies through the air and into Beavis's left eye and Beavis bleeds from his eye, screaming.]

Beavis: [screaming] AAAAGH!! OWW!!!!!!

Butt-head: Whoa, that was cool, it really does happen.

[Beavis pulls the pencil out of his eye socket and chuckles]

Mr. Stevenson: Okay. Armstrong?

Armstrong: Here,

Mr. Stevenson: Armyho?

Armyho: Present.

Mr. Stevenson: Baca?

Baca: Yo!

Mr. Stevenson: Butkis?

Daniel Butkis: Here.

[Beavis and Butt-Head begin to laugh]

Mr. Stevenson: Dammit, what's wrong with you two? We've been in school over seven months now, and every single day, when I call Daniel Butkis' name, you guys have to laugh.

[Beavis & Butt-Head laugh some more]

Mr. Stevenson:Is it really still that funny?

[Beavis and Butthead laugh]

Mr. Stevenson: Doesn't it ever get old? Are you gonna laugh for the rest of your lives every time someone says the name Butkis?

[Beavis and Butthead laugh]

Mr. Stevenson: That does it. Principal's office, now!

---

Mrs. Dickie: Therefore we can say that any two amoeba are identical twins since they have the same genetic makeup. They are all the same sex and can reproduce by themselves. [Beavis and Butt-Head begin to laugh, while Butt-head shakes and throws two dice] So all sperm cells contain either an X chromosome or a Y chromosome, and-

Butt-Head: She said sperm.

Mrs. Dickie: Depending on which sperm cell fertilizes the egg - I said, depending on which sperm cell fertilizes the egg, the zygote will be either male or female - SHUT UP!!! [Beavis & Butt-Head continue to laugh] McVicker's office, now!

---

[At McVicker's Office. Beavis and Butt-head are laughing.]

Principal McVicker: Oh, you guys think this is funny? You've been to four classes today and you've been sent here four times. And this laughing thing...What the hell is with this laughing thing?! All the teachers are sick of it! Mr. Sherman, your history teacher, says he's completely given up on trying to teach your class about the gay 90s. [Beavis and Butt-Head start laughing harder] See? See?! Now that's exactly what I'm talking about! You are both suspended for a week!

Butt-Head: [He and Beavis stop laughing temporarily, still grinning] Uhhh... what does that mean?

Principal McVicker: I-I-It means I-I-I don't want to see you anywhere near this school for a whole week!

Butt-Head: Cool! [he and Beavis start to act like they are playing guitars to the riff of 'Paradise City' by Guns n' Roses]

Principal McVicker: SHUT UP! Forget it. No no, you're not suspended. No, I've got a better idea. Yeah, hah-hah-hah-hah!! I'm gonna get you guys this time. [He takes a bottle of "Old Crow" out from under his desk, Beavis and Butthead start laughing again as McVicker drinks the whiskey]

---

Buzzcut: Soooo, Beavis and Butthead. I understand Mr. McVicker has made a little arrangement with you guys, yeah a little probation. You see, class, Beavis and Butthead here, are not allowed to laugh for a whole week. That's right, and if they do laugh, they'll be expelled and they'll have to go to Hope High School where they'll get their asses kicked on a daily basis by all the other delinquents! Ha ha ha!

[class giggles, except for Beavis and Butthead who struggle to hold their laughter]

Buzzcut: Well I was real glad to hear that because this is Sex Education week. That's right, Sex Ed week! [Beavis and Butt-head struggle to hold in their laughter] We're gonna be talking about the PENIS! We'll be talking about the VAGINA! Do you think that's funny, Butthead?! Do you find it amusing that we'll be talking about the testicles?! [Butt-head strans to hold in his laughter] Yes we're also gonna be talking about Venereal Disease. Sexual intercourse! The Scrotum. The Clitoris. And...And we will definitely be spending a LOT of time talking about MASTURBATION! [class giggles; Beavis and Butt-head struggle to hold in their laughter] Well, now that's out of the way, let's take roll. Butkis!

Butkiss: Here. Ha ha ha.

Buzzcut: Gaylord! Hymen!

[school bell rings and Beavis and Butt-head dart out of the doors, rapidly laughing]

Butt-head: Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh, huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh...

Beavis: Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh, heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh...

---

Note: This is the DVD cut version which was edited to be exactly 6 minutes. In the original version, Buzzcut also says that they will be talking about the "scrotum" and "clitoris," but does not take roll of the names with obvious vulgar connotations. Also, a scene at the end in which Beavis and Butt-head say "They said penis...they said masturbation...they said vagina...that was cool" is not present.

Baby Makes Uh, Three

Butt-head: I am going to beat you like a red-headed stepchild!

---

Butt-head: And it is with utmost regret that I must report that our baby was stolen by gypsies in the night.

---

The Butt-head Experience

Butt-head: You asswipe! I was trying to have a wet dream.

Season 3

Comedians

Butt-head: Uh...Hey Beavis. I got an idea.

Beavis: Yeah, me too! Let's go over to Stewart's house and burn something. [holds up a lighter]

Butt-head: No, dumbass. Let's become one of those 'stand-up chameleons' and get a bunch of money.

---

Butt-head: Here's another one. How do you keep a moron in suspense?

[long pause, Beavis stares intently]

Butt-head: ....Uh...I dunno.

---

Member of Audience: You suck, get off!

Butt-head: Uh, is that what she said?

---

Beavis: You ever wonder why so much stuff sucks? Sometimes I look at one of these little straws, and I go, 'This sucks'.

Butt-head: Huh huh, this is cool.

Beavis: One thing about gym class....it sucks. Okay, now I'm gonna like...juggle.

Butt-head: Go for it, Beavis!

Beavis: This is gonna be cool. [holds up a newspaper and lights it on fire]fire! fire!

---

Couch-Fishing

Policeman: Oh no, not another elderly woman flying down the street. They never learn.

---

Old woman: What happened to my spectacles?

Butt-head: Uh, your testicles?

Naked Colony

Store clerk: Are you two gonna buy something or are you gonna stare all day?

Butt-head: Uh, we're gonna stare all day.

---

Butt-head: [reading and advertisement in a magazine] Uh Sunny Grove Nudist colo... cola.. naked people.

Tornado

Beavis: Tornadoes are cool! They can drive matches through a 2x4!

Incognito

Butt-head: [fake accent] I'm Bunghead and he's Crevasse. Huh huh. We are foreign extra-strange students.

---

Butt-head: [fake accent] He was aiming at us. Huh huh.

Beavis: [fake accent] He didn't fire. Fire Fire Fire! Heh heh heh. Fire! Huh heh heh. Yeah.

Scared Straight

Butt-Head: Prison rules.

Sperm Bank

Nurse: Well gentlemen, go to work.

[Beavis unzips his pants]

Nurse:...On your tests.

Beavis: ...oh. [zips back up]

---

Nurse: Where's your container?

Beavis: I was supposed to use a container?

---

[Mr. and Mrs. Stevenson and the sperm doctor are shocked to find the boys goofing off juggling the jars]

Doctor: You kids are going to pay for those.

Butt-head: No problem dude, you want cash or should we go spank the monkey again.

Beavis: Yeah.

Mr. Stevenson: What the hell!? These are the boy geniuses you're talking about!? What's so funny you little twerps!? I'LL SPANK YOUR MONKEYS!!!

---

Butt-head: He's fallen and he can't 'get it up'.

---

True Crime

Butt-head: Huh huh huh. Maybe we should go buy something.

Beavis: Yeah. Heh heh heh. Like what? Heh heh heh.

TV announcer: Good evening and welcome to America's Most Hated. What you're about to see is a crime so heinous, so replusive, so actual, it may shake your very faith in human nature.

The Trial

Judge: You don't want me to appoint you an attorney, a lawyer who can take your case?

Butt-head: I can handle it, dude. I've like, seen The People's Court.

Judge: You'll need someone who knows the laws, who's familiar with the penal system and--

Beavis: [Laughing with Butt-head] She said penal.

Buff 'N' Stuff

Buzzcut: You are what you eat! You got three food groups, and they sure as hell ain't fries, Chips Ahoy, and Milk Duds! And you all wonder why your faces look like topographic maps of the Himalayas!

---

Buzzcut: Are you a man?

Butt-head: Uhhh, yeah.

Buzzcut: What makes you think so?

Butt-head: Uhhh, I got testicles.

Buzzcut: You think that makes you a man? I'll show you a real man... kick me in the jimmy.

Butt-head: No way!

Buzzcut: I said do it!

[Butt-head kicks him in the nuts, Buzzcut strains]

Buzzcut: Yyyyeessss! Do it again! do it HARD!

[Butt-head kicks him again, Buzzcut strains]

Buzzcut: Yyyyeessss!!

Butt-head: Whoa, that was cool.

---

Canoe

Butt-head: Told ya dude. Huh huh. He wants you.

[For this, Beavis' face turns red and whacks Butt-head's face with an oar. A fight ensues until both boys fell off the canoe]

---

Mr. Van Driessen: OK, Stew, let's pitch a tent.

[Beavis and Butt-head laugh]

Mr. Van Driessen: Grab a pole.

[Beavis and Butt-head laugh]

Mr. Van Driessen: Stick it in the hole, Stewart.

[Beavis and Butt-head laugh]

Mr. Van Driessen: OK, boys, lets erect this thing.

[Beavis and Butt-head laugh when they emerge from the bushes in their underwear, and then they begin to itch from the poison ivy]

The Crush

[Beavis and Butt-head are eating nachos outside Maxi-mart, when Todd parks his car, running over their trikes]

Todd: Where's the pre-schoolers at who parked their sucky little trikes in my spot?

[The pair raise their hands. Todd holds Butt-head against the window whilst putting his foot on top of Beavis' throat]

Todd: If my arm weren't so sore from my new tattoo, I'd smear both your asses all over the parking lot.

Beavis: Whoa, heh heh, cool.

Todd: Give me those nachos and those fruity whips and I might not shove these handle bars up your butt.

Butt-head: Err, Okay.

[Todd consumes the nachos and drink before driving off]

---

Todd [Whilst suffocating Butt-head]: What do you fuzz-nuts want?

---

Eating Contest

Butt-head: They're gonna lose.

Beavis: Where's the bratwurst?

Young, Gifted & Crude

[being told about a character from a Swords and Sorcery game]

Butt-head: Hey Beavis...I got a 'charmed long staff' [turns around, then turns back with dice up his nose]

---

Plate Frisbee

Beavis: (On the phone with the Home Shoping network) Yea, I'd like to order one of those pubic zercroniums.

Sporting Goods

Coach Buzzcut:(Reading Beavis and Butt-head's self written note) Please excuse Beavis and Butt-head from wearing althetic sip-otters. They were unable to buy them because of a national sip-otter shortage. Hell that's funny boys.

[Shows Beavis and Butt-head a front page with themselves wearing an eye patch as Athletic Guard.]

Coach Buzzcut: Accortding to the school press, you had no problem at all locating the necessary equipment.

---

Most Wanted

Beavis: Butt tattoos kick ass!

Butt-head: And ass tattoos kick butt.

---

Beavis: Voices are cool. I hear voices too. They tell me to do stuff like stay home from school, and watch TV, and, like, break stuff, and like...

Butt-head: Whoa. Preach on, brother Beavis.

Season 4

Wall of Youth

Student: [while discussing about Jurassic Park] ..and then he attacked the dude in his own car.

Beavis: The dinosaur had a car?

Butt-head: How else you think he's got there, dumbass? On a bike?

Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!

[Beavis and Butt-head began slapping each other]

---

[The crowd gasped as the wall was unveiled to be spraypainted with crude band names including "SLAYER", "OZZY", etc.]

Beavis: It's a tribute to the people who died in the Vietnam War.

Man in crowd: [outraged] My uncle was killed in the war!

Cow Tipping

Beavis: Getting kicked in the nads by a cow sucks!

Butt-head: Uh, That's not a real cow, dude. That's like a deer.

Beavis: How did you know?

---

[After mistaking a horse for a cow, they learn to identify cows by 'those fingers next to their butt that you squeeze to get like, milk and stuff']

Beavis: Heh heh, hey Butt-head, squeeze my finger.

Butt-head: Which one, Beavis? The finger by your butt?

Beavis: Heh, yeah! Pull that one.

Butt-head: [sings] Old MacDonald had a farm, E...uhh, I? Z? Is there, like, a Q in there?

Beavis: Yeah, heh heh, [sings] E-I-Q...uhh, Z...M.

---

Butt-head: Hey Beavis. I heard if you tip a cow over while it's sleeping, cool stuff happens.

Beavis: Really? Like what?

Butt-head: Uh...it falls over?

Beavis: Cool! We're there, dude!

Trouble Urinating

Buzzcut: [teaching Beavis and Butt-head how to urinate after they forget how] Okay boys! I'm gonna make this easy! On the count of one, unzip your pants! And one, unzip your pants! [Beavis and Butt-head laugh] On the count of two, take out your penises!

Beavis: Two's my favorite, heh heh.

Buzzcut: And two! On the count of three, start leaking! Three, let's go! LEAK, LEAK, LEAK, LEAK, LEAK!

[Beavis and Butt-head obviously don't urinate]

Butt-head: Huh huh huh.

Buzzcut: Okay, you wussies. You're gonna stand right there until you can get it right. And don't come out until you're done. [Buzzcut leaves]

[Beavis and Butt-head continue to laugh]

---

[Beavis and Butt-head are in a female doctor's office, who is trying to "teach" them how to urinate again while playing music]

Doctor: Now, just relax. Clear your mind of any thoughts.

Beavis: What is that? Huh huh huh.

Doctor: Close your eyes, and imagine you're floating on a river. Let the water take you wherever it wants to. Just relax and go with the flow.

Beavis: Hey Butt-head. I can feel it.

Butt-head: Yeah. Huh huh. Me too.

[We start to hear a dripping sound. Beavis and Butt-head are wetting their pants]

Butt-head: Huh huh huh. And the water's warm. Huh huh huh. Huh huh huh.

[The dripping sound continues, and the doctor looks up from taking her notes, noticing with a shocked look on her face. She drops her notes]

Doctor: Okay, not here. Stop-stop-stop it! Stop urinating! STOP URINATING!

Butt-head: I forgot how to stop. [A line of wetness moves up Butt-head's shirt]

Beavis: Yeah, heh heh. Just relax. Go with the flow.

[Beavis and Butt-head continue to urinate, while the doctor continues trying to get them to stop, as she gets up on her desk, obviously because Beavis and Butt-head have been urinating enough to wet the floor of the room]

---

Butt-head: Huh huh. Urinating's cool.

Beavis: Hey Butt-head. Do dogs urinate? Heh heh heh.

Butt-head: Beavis, you dillweed. Of course they urinate. Why do you think they lift their leg? Huh huh huh.

[Beavis and Butt-head proceed to lift one of their legs while urinating on a bush. A dog then comes over and urinates on the same bush.]

Rabies Scare

Butt-head: Woah, check it out.

Beavis: Heh, yeah. Stupid dog.

Butt-head: Uh, I heard if you like, don't act scared, they won't attack you.

Beavis: Heh, how do you do that?

[The dog leaps and bites Beavis' leg]

---

[talking to some other kids, referring to the dog bite]

Butt-head: Huh huh, you wanna touch his bone?

Beavis: Yeah, heh, touch it.

---

Kid: Decent! Is it contagous?

Butt-head: No. I disinsfected it. [pours a sports drink onto the wound] Sports drinks have nutrients.

---

Buzzcut: Listen up, morons. Some short-sighted federal appeals judge says I can't use this on you. [pats batton] But remember this: In this classroomm, I am the judge, the jury and the jailer!

Butt-head: [to Beavis] Does it hurt when I do this? [pokes the bite with the pointy end of a compass]

Beavis: OOOOW!

Butt-head: Huh, that was cool.

Buzzcut: Do you gentlemen have a problem? Do you wish to enlighten the class as to what is festering on your leg, Beavis?

Beavis: Heh, dog bite.

Buzzcut: Well. I thought you looked rabid, boy. Now listen close. Get the hell out of my classroom before you infect anyone else with your sickness! You stink of death! Butt-head! This man requires immediate medical attention!

Butt-head: ...uh....

Buzzcut: HOSPITAL, Butt-head! On the double!

Butt-head: Yessss!

---

Hospital Receptionist: Can I help you?

Butt-head: Uh, he's got like, rabies or something.

Hospital Receptionist: I see. What's your name?

Butt-head: Uh, last name is 'Munch'. First name is 'Rodney'.

Beavis: Yeah, heh heh, yeah. Rod Munch.

---

Doctor: So Rod, I understand you got bit by a dog. Well, don't be scared, cause look: a dog bit my thumb off once too, Rod. [does trick that makes it look like he's taking his thumb off]

Butt-head: Uh huh huh. You're stupid.

Beavis: Heh, yeah.

Doctor: Now Rod, I don't suppose you brought the animal with you?

Butt-head: Uh, no. He wasn't like, very friendly.

Beavis: Yeah, heh, he doesn't like me.

Doctor: Well, we'll have to find him anyway. In a suspected case of rabies, the animal has to be destroyed, of course. And to check for presence of the disease, he cut off the head and disect the brain.

Butt-head: Woah. That's cool.

Doctor: Actually, yes. It is kind of cool.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on, Butt-head, let's go find that dog.

Doctor: Not so fast, Rod. Let's talk about your symptoms first. Any dizziness? Nausea? Fever? Any convulsions?

Beavis: Yeah. Heh, uh, no more than usual though.

Doctor: Hmm, so far nothing checks out. Maybe you were lucky.

Butt-head: Uh, you mean like, no decrapitation?

Beavis: I've got it, I've got rabies!

Doctor: ...okay. I'll call the police and let them know about the dog. But first, we better start treatment.

Butt-head: Does he have to get a shot?

Doctor: No.

Beavis: Cool.

Doctor: You have to get 18 of them, Rod.

Butt-head: Yes!

Doctor: In the stomach.

Butt-head: Cool!

Beavis: ....this sucks.

---

TV: The good news about rabies is that treating it no longer means a series of painful injections into the solar plexus. New vaccines require only 5 simple shots in the arm.

Butt-head: Hey Beavis. How come that stupid doctor didn't know that?

Beavis: Maybe he doesn't watch TV.

[switch to the Doctor, who is in a dark room wielding a needle]

Doctor: Hahahaha! Rod Munch, huh? HAHAHAHA!

---

They're Coming To Take Me Away, Huh Huh

Buzzcutt: Now, listen up people. I am not an unreasonable man, but I say that there's nothing wrong with you little monsters that can't be cured by a quick return to the days of CORPOREAL PUNISHMENT!

Buzzcutt: Now, here to talk about your feelings is your new school psychiatrist, Dr. Floss.

---

Dr. Floss: How about your parents? Your mother, for example. How do you feel about your mother?

Beavis: Um, like this...(gesturing the shape of his mother's body) Yeah. Heh-heh. Kinda like this...(continuing to gesture).

Butt-head: That's not how I feel your mother.

Beavis: Shut up, fartknocker!

[slaps Butt-headdown to the floor]

---

Beavis: I got the last grape! [takes the last grape sucker]

Butt-head: No way, Beavis! I saw it first!

Beavis: [Spits on the sucker] My germs!

Butt-head: [slaps Beavis, causing him to scream] No way! [gets kicked in the groin, followed by the head] Uuh! [gets tackled by Beavis] Aah!

Beavis: [continues screaming] Butthole!

Beavis: [while they're on the couch, in a somewhat suggestive position] No way! Come on, Butt-head! I always get the grape!

Butt-head: It's not gonna taste like grape, when it's up your butt!

---

Dr. Floss: [holds up a picture--merely a random pattern] What do you see in this picture?

Butt-head: It's this dude, and he's like "auditioning his finger puppets". Huh huh.

Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. He's "shining his helmet".

Dr. Floss: I see. And what do you see here? [holds up another picture of random shapes]

Butt-head: Whoa... He's really corralling the tadpole.

Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. He's really peelin some chilis.

Dr. Floss: I see. What about this one? [holds up another picture of no particular shape]

Butt-head: Woah... Leave a little for next time, dude!

Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. He's really, like, having a tug-of-war with Cyclops!

Dr. Floss: I see.

Butt-head: [takes the picture and looks at it] Paper or plastic, sir?

Butt-head: Huhuh...he's masturbating.

Dr. Floss: And how about this last drawing? [shows a picture of a Julio Iglesias-like singer holding his microphone pole between his legs in a suggestive manner]

Butt-head: Uhh...that's, like, just a bunch of weird shapes.

Dr. Floss: Fascinating. [calls for Principal McVicker via intercom] Principal McVicker, could you come in here? We've got big problems.

Pumping Iron

Weight Lifter: You were supposed to be spotting me! Stickboy!

Butt-Head: Uh... There you are. Uhuhuh

Beavis: Yeah yeah, heh heh, I spotted you right over there.

Weight Lifter: [lifts them up by the neck and growls]

Beavis: [while choking] Heh heh hey, don't make me kick your ass.

[The weight lifter throws them through the window]

Butthead: ...Exercise sucks.

---

1-900-BEAVIS

Butt-head: Huhuh, I can like, hear her butt!

---

Butt-head: Let's not use our real names.

Beavis: Yea

Butt-head: [on the phone] I'm Beavis and he's Butt-head.

Water Safety

[after Buzzcut saves Beavis and Butthead from near drowning]

Buzzcut: Butthead, do you have an explanation for your inexplicable behavior?!

Butthead: Uhh...I was dead? Uh huh huh.

Beavis: Heh heh. Yeah. He was dead. Heh heh.

Blackout!

[Beavis and Butt-head are watching TV]

TV Voice-over: We now return to Robert Yearing, Mellissa Gilbert, and Lou Ferigno in "Asbestos in Obstetrics."

Bevis: Hey, Butt-head! What is Astesbos?

Butt-head: Uhh... It's like, health food or something.

---

(A blackout occurs, and people are looting around town)

Butt-head: Are they having another one of those Midnight Madness sales?

Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. WE'RE SLASHING PRICES! EVERYTHING MUST GO!

---

Butt-Head: We need to find a place to watch tv.

(Two men come out of a broken store window with a tv)

Beavis: Hey they got one.

Butt-Head: (Yelling to the men offscreen) YO, WAIT UP DUDE!

Cop (offscreen) FREEZE POLICE!

(Gunshot)

Butt-Head: Uhh.. never mind.

---

Mr. Van Dreson: (Directing traffic) I need to go help out down at the community center, but I can't leave my post until someone releaves me.

Butt-Head: Uhh... just go behind a building, no one will see.

---

Butt-head: Mr. Stevenson, is that you?

Mr. Steveson: Beavis, Butt-head, thank god! What happened? Tell me what happened?

Butt-head: Our TV broke.

Beavis: Can we watch it at your house?

[Mr. Stevenson groans]

---

Cop on a van loundspeaker: Attention citizens there has been a small failure in a turbine at the electric plant. Power will be restored shortly. Cititzens are advies to store fresh water and canned goods. Ur uh, you should have already done that, well I hope you did.

Late Night With Butt-head

Mr. Van Driessen: Now, I'm going to close my eyes, and I want you to wow me.

Butt-head: Uh...Is that allowed on school property?

---

Butt-head: (as David Letterman) So we're going to go over our Top 10 List from our home office in Butt, Montana. (bounces pencil on table which goes flying right through Beavis (Paul Shaffer)'s glasses)

Beavis: AGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Butt-head: WHOA! That was cool!

---

Butthead: We're gonna kick Letterman's butt.

The Final Judgement of Beavis

Beavis: So like, in heaven, will all the chicks do anything I want?

St. Peter: No.

Beavis: That sucks. Do I get X-Ray Vision? Can I get some nachos?

St. Peter: No.

Beavis: Are you sure this is heaven?

---

Beavis: What do you know, asswipe?

St. Peter: I know everything, buttmunch.

---

Butt-head: Beavis is not dog food. He's worm food.

Pool Toys

Tom Anderson: You know, when a man builds a new swimming pool, there's some things he just can't do by himself.

Butt-head: Beavis does things by himself.

---

Tom Anderson: (Cleaning his glasses, unable to notice that his two workers are Beavis and Butt-Head wearing neard glasses) Well I can see you boys ain't like the usual hooligans running around here. Like these two fellows, uh, Buff-Coat and Beaver. Boy they've been nothing but trouble.

Madame Blavatsky

(Beavis and Butt-Head see a sign sponsoring fortune-telling) (Arabian music plays for two seconds)

Beavis: Woah, hey check that out!

Butt-Head: (pronouncing fortune teller) Fuh..fuh fart..Fuuh..forr..tuu Fortune, huh, huh, Fortune Teller.

Beavis: Yeah, heh, heh, heh, let's go tell her our fortune. Heh, heh, heh.

Butt-Head: No dumbass. She tells your fourtune.

Beavis: Oh, heh, heh, heh, hey Butt-Head, what's that mean?

Butt-Head: You know, your future.

Beavis: Heh, heh, heh, what's that mean?

Butt-Head: I don't know. Huh, huh, huh.

---

Madame Blavasky: (on the phone) YOU BETTER NOT COME AROUND HERE AGAIN LESTER, OR I'M CALLING THE COPS!!! (Beavis and Butt-Head walk inside) Wait, I got some customers.

---

Madame Blavasky: I see... a mansion... with many faithful servants.... a yacht...

Beavis: I don't see any of that crap.

---

(Beavis and Butt-Head are walking) (Beavis is wearing a Professor Quirrel-like headdress)

Butt-Head: I didn't know you were psychic Beavis.

Beavis: Yeah, remember what those doctors said on those tests?

Butt-Head: No Beavis, they said you were psycho.

Beavis and Butt-head Island

• Salesclerk: You boys don't look like you can afford anything in the store. Am I right?
• Butt-head: Uhh...
• Beavis: Umm...
• Salesclerk: ONLY paying customers are allowed to come here and stare. Now, get out!

---

• Janator: (noticeing that Beavis and Butt-head have been on the island in the fountain for a very long time) You do know that the water is only like two feet deep and you can walk across, Right?

Figure Drawing

[after the male model becomes nude]

Butt-head: Uh, tacos? You said there were tacos?

Beavis: I don't feel too good. I don't want to draw some dude's schlong.

---

Butt Is It Art?

Butt-head: [referring to a nude male statue's penis] Huhuh...it's hard, but it's not, like, hard.

Mr. Van Driessen: Very good, Butt-head!

---

Mr. Van Driessen: Now, works by the master painters of the centuries!

[Beavis and Butt-head break into laughter. Daria enters]

Daria: He said master painters!

[Daria exits]

Butt-head: Oh!

Beavis: Yeah, master painting is cool.

---

Beavis: What did you bring back, Butt-head?

Butt-head: One huge boob. [shows Beavis] What did you bring back?

[Beavis shows Butt-head a picture of something flesh colored]

Butt-head: Uh, what is it?

Beavis: Heh heh. It's a butt.

---

Right On

Gus Baker: You've got the Gus Baker show, and the first topic: The death penalty! Yes or no?!

Butt-head: Yes!

Beavis: Yes! The chair!! The chair!!! The chair!!!

Gus Baker: In my opinion, you betcha!

Butt-head: Yes!

Beavis: Yes! The chair!! The chair!!

Gus Baker: And they call me reactionary...because I believe that criminals should be punished, and ordinary Americans like you and me should have the right to carry guns!

Butt-head: This dude's cool.

Gus Baker: Also on today's show: Music videos! Who makes these affronts to common decency?! Where I come from, we have a word for garbage like that!!

Butt-head: Yeah. They suck!!

Gus Baker: But first, a commercial! Our lines are open! Give us a call!

---

Butt-head: We think you're, like, cool.

Beavis: Yeah, especially the part about giving dudes the chair. The chair!! The chair!!

Gus Baker: The death penalty?

Beavis: Yeah, and what you said about bums.

Butt-head: And music videos.

Gus Baker: Well, you know what they say--great minds think alike! Listening to you boys, I can tell that our younger generation still has the moral strength and character to make this country great again!

Butt-head: Uhh...what?

---

Gus Baker: Last week we heard from two boys whose characters were so impressive we brought them out here for today's show! Please welcome Beavis and, uh, Buth-coat!!

Gus Baker: Now, people say that yours is a lost generation...violent, lazy, uneducated, sexually active!!

Butt-head: Huhuh, not Beavis.

Beavis: Heheh, yeah, Butt-head doesn't get any either.

Gus Baker: Well, you two are certainly fine upstanding young men...a credit to the youth of America!

Butt-head: (looking around at the applauding "dittoheads" in the audience) Hey Beavis, you see any chicks?

Gus Baker: Okay, now, boys, I want to ask you: As decent young men,don't you agree with me that there is something very, very wrong with these so-called "music videos?"

Beavis and Butt-head: Yeah!! Really!!

Gus Baker: These "rock videos" are immoral! Indecent! Profane! Scurrillous! And blasphemous!

Beavis: Yeah! They suck! THEY SUCK!!! Indecent! Profane!

Butt-head: Yeah, especially Meatloaf. He sucks!

Gus Baker: Hey! We're on the air! You can't use that language!

Beavis: We use language?

Butt-head: (after Gus Baker whispers into his ear) Hey, Beavis, he says we can't say "sucks."

Beavis: Really? That sucks.

Butt-head: Can we say "buttwipe?"

Beavis: Yeah, how about "bunghole"? Bunghole!

Butt-head: What about buttmunch?

Beavis: Yeah heheh, buttmunch. Or dillhole?

Butt-head: Dillweed?

Gus Baker: Hey! Do you use that language at home?

Butt-head: Uhh...yeah!

Beavis: Hey Gus...Peek-a-boo!! (moons the audience)

Gus Baker: (running in front of Beavis) Cut to the commercial! GET THESE LITTLE BASTARDS OUT OF HERE!!!

Butt-head: Uhh...do you use that language at home?

Beavis: Peek-a-boo!! (presumably moons the security guards who pull him and Butt-head off stage)

---

Butt-head: (watching a replay in which Beavis' mooning is pixelated) Hey Beavis...what's all that fuzzy stuff on your butt?

Beavis: I don't know...is it still there? (mooning Butt-head)

Butt-head: Uh, no...but it wouldn't hurt to wipe once in a while.

Beavis: Uh...heheh, oh yeah, sorry. I was in a hurry.

Butt-head: Beavis, get your butt out of my face and into that bathroom. Now.

Beavis: Heheh, oh yeah, sorry.

(In the DVD cut, after Beavis moons Butthead he goes straight to simply responding "Beavis, get your butt out of my face now" and the episode ends.)

Manners Suck

Beavis: [acting as a waiter] Uh, hi, Butt-head.

Butt-head: Hi, Master Beavis.

Beavis: I was suppose to introduce me, bunghole! Uh, welcome to a restaurant. Would you like to take my order?

Butt-head: Yeah, get me some nachos, buttwipe!

Mr. Manners [grabs Butt-head by the collar]: Listen, you little...t-t-twerp! This is my job, this is how I make money! Don't screw with me! [goes back to his place] Now, how about using some manners?

Butt-head: Manners suck.

Beavis: Hey Butt-head. Don't "screw" with him.

Butt-head: Yeah, he sure does like to touch.

Beavis: He tried to touch my weiner!

Mr. Manners: WHAT? YOU LITTLE LIAR! [starts strangling Beavis]

Beavis: BACK OFF, YOU PERVERT!

Mr. Manners: [David Van Driessen comes in] He's lying!

David Van Driessen: Hey! Don't you dare lay a finger on my students! [breaks them up] Beavis, did he hit you?

Beavis: Heh. Um. Heh. Yes, sir. Heh. He did. Heh. Thank you for your concern.

Mr. Manners: What?! you little dirtball!! [goes to attack Beavis, but Van Driessen's hand stops him]

David Van Driessen: You want to touch my students, I'll touch you!!! [Van Driessen and Mr. Manners get into a smack fight, the students start cheering]

Mr. Manners: I'll get you, you little punks!!!

Butt-head: Uh, no thank you, sir.

Beavis: Yeah. Thank you. Drive through.

David Van Driessen: Stop it! [throws a punch] Stop it!

Mr. Manners: You're dead, hippie.

David Van Driessen: You're going to jail, jackass!

Mr. Manners: You're going down, Woodstock!

David Van Driessen: [throws another punch] Take that, you Fascist!!!!

Mr. Manners: You're hurting me! Security!!

---

The Pipe of Doom

Butt-head: I wonder if they’re like, pipes for water, or pipes for crap?

Beavis: It would be cool if they had pipes with crap and turds running through them.

Butt-head: They do, dumbass. How do you think all that crap gets out of your house?

Beavis: It doesn't. It's in my basement in little jars.

Butt-head: Thats pretty disgusting, Beavis.

---

Butt-head: I can't get out. I'm, like, stuck. Huh huh.

Beavis: Really, heh heh. That's cool.

Butt-head: It's not cool, Beavis. I'm not sure yet, but I think it sucks.

---

Mr. Anderson's Balls

Beavis: Tit-le-ist!

---

Butt-head: Beavis, your balls are filthy. Go to the ball washer, now!

---

(Beavis starts pumping ball washer)

Golf Instructor: "You're pulling your head on every stroke."

(They laugh; Beavis pumps washer faster)

Golf Instructor: "Let me see your bag."

(They laugh; Beavis pumps washer even faster)

Golf Instructor: "Here, take your wood and try using a different grip on the shaft."

(They laugh)

---

Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. We could get rich doing this. We need to get more balls.

Beavis: [laughs] You've got to hear what you just said, Butt-head. You said heh, "we need to get more balls."

Butt-head: Huh huh huh, oh yeah.

---

Mr. Anderson: Wait a minute! These balls look kinda familiar.

Butt-head: Uh, many balls look the same, sir.

Beavis: Yeah, I have two that are identical.

---

Patients Patients

Orthodontist: Well, Butt-head, we're not seeing a lot of progress here. Have you been wearing your rubber bands and headgear at night?

Butt-head: Huh huh huh, headgear.

---

Buzzcut: Now, Butt-head! You've waited your whole life to say this in class without getting in any trouble. Our topic for today is? [SEXUAL INTERCOURSE is written on the board]

Butthead: [with mouth wired shut, unable to talk clearly] SEFUAL INTERCOWSE!

Buzzcut: Say it, you pantywaste! Say it!

Butthead: [still muffled] SEFUAL INTERCOWSE!

Buzzcut: Get out of my class you insuboridnated maggot! Beavis! What does this say?

Beavis: [wearing unneeded glasses, cannot read] Uh...uh...uh...

Buzzcut: GET OUT!

---

Optometrist: Now what do you see [points to vision test board]

Beavis: Ummm. Uh, the alphabet. Heh Heh.

---

Optometrist: You're not leaving until you get one right.

Points to the letter "O"

Beavis: Oh, that's a letter right?

---

Young Woman: (Thinking) Please dont let them sit over here. Please don't let them sit over here. Please, god, don't let them sit over here.

Butt-Head: Hey Beavis, let's sit over there.

---

Butt-Head: Hey baby. You got any cavities?

Teen Talk

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, someone like, stole our women!

Butt-head: That sucks.

Beavis: Yeah! It doesn't just suck, Butt-head, it like ahhh, REALLY sucks! We're never gonna score! We’re gonna be wussies! Forever!

Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis!

Beavis: No, I can't settle down! We're NEVER gonna score! We’ll get cars and like, we'll get jobs, and we'll have to like, mow lawns and scrub the grill, but we're never gonna score EVER! It's gonna suck!

Bouncer: Hey, I warned you to be quiet! Don't make me come up there!

Beavis: Shut up, asswipe! You probably score! And you're a dork! I'm NEVER gonna score! I'M NEVER GONNA SCORE! IT'S GONNA SUCK! AHHHHHHHHH! AAAHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH!

---

Crisis Line

Stewart: I, sometimes I wet the bed. Isn't it, like, normal? What happened if I get married?

Beavis: Is this, is this, uh..... Hey Stewart!

Stewart: (embarrassed) Oh no.

Beavis: Stewart, what a weiner! Heh heh heh!

(Stewart's face turns red in humiliation)

Beavis: (sing-song) Stewart wets his bed, da-na!

Stewart: (humiliated) Oh God!

(Stewart quickly hung up)

Beavis: (sing-song) Stewart wets his bed, da-na! Heh heh heh!

---

Butt-head: Uh... I've got a crisis... In my pants.

Vs. The Vending Machine

Butt-head: Uh...I need like, 60 cents, 'cause my friend's like, uh, starving and stuff.

Old woman: Really? Well, where is your friend?

Butt-head: Uh...uh, he's, like, overseas or something.

Old woman: Oh, I've seen those commercials.

Butt-head: Yeah, me too.

Old woman: It's so sad. [She hands Butt-head a dollar] Here you go.

Butt-head: Uh...no. I said I need 60 cents, Buttmunch.

Old woman: [getting into car] That's okay. I don't mind giving a little more.

Butt-head: Uh...okay. [stares at her]

Old woman: Yes?

Butt-head: Uh...I thought you said you were gonna give me some more.

---

Generation in Crisis

Reporter: In your own words, Steven, what is your "raison d'être" ?

Beavis: Um... It's in my pants.

Reporter: Where do you picture yourself in ten years ?

Butt-Head: Uhh... Uh uh... Uhh... Uh uh...

Reporter: You have a 21st-century marketplace you're gonna enter would be global electronic village. How are you preparing yourself for what is bound to be a complex and challenging world ?

Butt-Head: Uhh... You said "enter"... Uh uh...

Reporter: What are you feeling, right now ?

Beavis: My left nad. It itches. Can I say "nad" ?

Reporter: There is no censorship of any kind. This is an independant documentary film. With a generous grant from our friends at the exco corporation.

Butt-Head: Uh uh... Censorship is cool.

Beavis: Yeah. Uh uh... Censorship is cool. Uh uh...

Butt-Head: I like when they put these black boxes on people's thingies.

Beavis: Yeah, like... Somebody's talking. And they say "Get the **BEEEEEEEEEEEEP**"

Off Voice: Oh ! Cut !

Radio Sweethearts

Butt-head: [reading a piece of paper that says "the tenth caller gets a free pair of Bon Jovi tickets] The teenth, cooler...

Rabid Ron (Radio DJ): Tenth caller...

Butt-head: Gets a free tattoo on his butt!

The Great Cornholio

Stewart's Mom: Have you boys eaten breakfast?

Beavis: ....I think I did once.

---

[eating breakfast burritos]

Butt-Head: Hey Beavis, you think she's going to put a thermometer up his butt?

Beavis: Yeah, heheh, and then she's going to put it in his mouth!

Butt-Head: Ugh! What the hell is this crap? This isn't a burrito.

Beavis: Yeah, I got eggs in mine! She tricked us.

Butt-Head: No wonder Stewart's got diarrhea.

---

Mr. Van Driessen: It's ironic that we in this country who cherish freedom occasionally support governments who are less responsive to human rights. We're fortunate to have had a very stable government for over 200 years. In other parts of the world, they aren't so lucky. The struggle for freedom is by no means over. It still goes on today in places like Nicaragua, El Salvador, and Panama...

Beavis: Nicaragua? Agua! AGUA FOR MY BUNGHOLE!!!

Mr. Van Driessen: Beavis, please sit down.

Beavis: Are you threatening me? I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO!

Mr. Van Driessen: Come on, Beavis, take your seat. Now, technically America is not a democracy but a republic....

Beavis: (to Daria) Do you have TP? TP for my bunghole?

Daria: Get out of here, Beavis.

Beavis: Uhh, Okay.

---

Principal McVicker: I don't know what you're thinking, but I simply cannot have students roaming the halls, interrupting other classes, and giving prophecies of a great plague.

---

Beavis: DO NOT MAKE MY BUNGHOLE ANGRY!

Liar! Liar!

Burger World Manager: [counting money] fifty, sixty, sixty five-

Butt-head: Twelve.

Burger World Manager: Shut up. [counts in the background]

Beavis: One! Twenty-five cents.

Butt-head: Uh, Sixty-nine.

Beavis: Number two.

Burger World Manager: Eighty three, eighty four, SHUT UP.

---

Beavis: I didn't do it! I didn't do it! It was like...some foreigner.

---

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, what are they gonna do to us?

Butt-head: I think they're gonna make us take one of those polygrip tests.

Beavis: Oh yeah, that stuff's cool. I found some of that at Anderson's house, and it was like, I put it on my teeth and I was walking around going [clenches teeth together] rrrghgrggrhgrhg.

---

Butt-head: Beavis, you suck as a liar.

Beavis: Heh, yeah, liar. LIAR! Liar, liar, pants on-...heh! Woah.

---

[Butt-head is being hooked up to the lie detector tester]

Mr. O'Brian: Alright, now I'm gonna ask you some questions. Failure to be truthful, and your responses will be interpreted as an acknowledgment of guilt. Do you understand?

Butt-head: Uh... yeah. [The detector buzzes 'false'] Uh huh huh. Uh, I mean, no. [The detector dings 'true'] Huh huh huh.

Mr. O'Brian: Just tell the truth and you have nothing to worry about. Let's begin.

Butt-head: Uh huh huh huh. [takes a deep breath and holds it] Huh huh...

---

[Butt-head is still holding his breath, his face is red]

Mr. O'Brian: Okay, now. Please tell me your name.

Butt-head: [trying to hold his breath and talk at the same time] Butt-head...

Mr. O'Brian: Okay, good. Now, Butt-head, could you tell me how many fingers I am holding up?

Butt-head: [his face becomes even more red, yellow bubbles appearing around his head] Uhh, four? [The detector dings 'true']

Mr. O'Brian: Well, it's three, actually, but since you think it's four, you didn't really lie. So, that's good. [Butt-head's face turns crimson red] Now, Butt-head, tell me. In all of your life, have you ever stolen anything?

---

[Beavis is still in the waiting room]

Beavis: I didn't do it, bunghole! Heh heh.

---

[The lie detector's pulse papers are moving violently, Butt-head is still holding his breath, his face is now a red hued purple, he is now on the verge of losing consciousness]

Mr. O'Brian: I'll repeat the question, Butt-head. Have you ever stolen anything?

Butt-head: Uhh... [wires start short circuiting, due to violent pulses] Uhhhh... [collapses from asphyxiation] Uh huh huh huh... [the detector lets out a flat pulse]

---

[Beavis is hooked up to the lie detector tester]

Mr. O'Brian: Good. Well, young man, I'd like to get a base reading here. Could you say something?

Beavis: Uh, heh, yeah, heh.

Mr. O'Brian: Just say anything. The first thing that comes into your mind.

Beavis: Um, heh heh, I killed a bunch of people once.

[The detector dings 'true' and Beavis takes a deep breath and holds it]

---

News Reporter: When asked how a teenage boy could have commited a crime that happened more than 2 decades ago, a police spokesman explained, quote, "He's very clever".

---

Season 5

Held Back

[In a kindergarten class]

Butt-head: Hey Beavis. These chicks are flat.

[The kindergarten class are read a book by their teacher]

Kindergarden Teacher: Butt-head, are you angry?

Butt-head: I'm, like, angry at numbers.

Beavis: There's like, too many of 'em and stuff.

---

[Both are taken to the principal's office by the kindergarten teacher]

Kindergarten Teacher [To the principal]: Get these two imbeciles out my class, or find yourself a new kindergarten teacher!

---

[The pair are brought back to Highland High, where there's a disagreement between the two principals]

McVicker: Star pupils? My ass! These two are morons!

Wilson Elementary Principal: You just weren't reaching them. They've learned everything they're going to learn in elementary school. Their young minds need room to grow, so we graduated them early. And they're not coming back.

[Principal walks off]

Butt-head [to McVicker]: You just weren't reaching us, dude.

Beavis: Yeah, and if you try reaching for us, I'll kick you in the nads!

McVicker: Oh, for crying out loud!

[McVicker walks back into the school, followed by Beavis and Butt-head]

---

[Beavis and Butt-head are in the 8th grade. A young Quinn Morgendorffer(in a different hairstyle and clothes than in Daria) is paying attention. Butt-head touches her arm.]

Butt-head: So, have you ever like been with an older man?(laughs)

Quinn:(creeped out by Butt-head) Leave me alone, you loser.

Beavis:[laughs] Loser.

---

Killing Time

Beavis: Hey Butt-head. I think I might throw up.

Butt-head: Cool. That might like, take some time.

Beavis: [leans over and gags, then coughs] ...I can't do it.

Butt-head: [gags as well] Uh...me neither. And there's like, an hour and a lot of minutes before something cool's on TV. Time sucks.

---

Butt-head: [holding an empty garbage can] Now remember the rules, Beavis. I throw it at you, then you throw it at me.

Beavis: Um, I don't get it. How do you win? [is hit in the head with the can, and falls over]

Butt-head: [laughs] That was cool.

---

Beavis: What do we do now?

Butt-head: Uh...we could do homework.

[both laugh]

---

Stewart: Hey guys, what are you doing?

Beavis: Hey Butt-head. Stewart can like, kill some time.

Butt-head: Uh, yeah. Say something, Stewart.

Stewart: Really? You wanna talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Let's go to the mall, I know this great new place-

Butt-head: [interrupting] This sucks.

Beavis: Yeah.

[both get up and leave]

Stewart: [not realizing they have left] We could go to my house. I have this awesome new video game.

---

Beard Boys

(The boys are watching tv, movie with a man in woman in bed together; the man has a beard)

Woman on TV: Oh Steve, my career as a leading molecular biologist seems so far away.

Man: Yea, but I'm not.

Woman: Damn you're smooth. oooooohhhhh!

Butthead: Whoa! We gotta get us one of those!

Beavis: What, a testicular biologist?

Butthead: No dumbass, a beard. We don't score because chicks don't think we're manly enough.

---

Butt-head: You know what they say Beavis, when you walk the walk you gotta...uhhh, talk too.

Beavis: What's that mean?

Butt-head: It means we gotta hit on the chicks, assmunch. Otherwise they'll just think we're like, all looks. Check out those chicks over there!

Beavis: Hey baby--

Butt-head: Hey baby-- Check out our beards.

Beavis: Damn, we're smooth.

Girl: We're gonna call the cops if y'all don't leave us alone.

Butt-head: That sucked.

Beavis: Yeah.

---

repeated line

Beavis: Damn, we're/you're smooth.

Choke

Butt-head: [choking] Beavis?

Beavis: Yea Butt-Head?

Butt-head: I'm..[gasps]..I'm.. [gasps again] I'm

Beavis: Agh, I hate this stupid game. [Butt-Head grabs Beavis's throat] AGH AHG!. Uhh choking, your choking?

Butt-Head knods and points to the box of chicken nuggets on the couch.

Beavis: Uh chicken? Your choking your chicken?

Butt-head knods

Bevis: So what do you want me to do about it?

---

Butt-head: [choking] Beavis! Beavis! I'm choking!

Beavis: Yeah, so. What do you want me to do about it?

Butt-head: Call 911!

Beavis: Why don't you call? You're closer.

Butt-head: You're closer, dumb-ass.

Beavis: Oh, yeah.

---

911 Operator: What’s the emergency, sir?

[Beavis laughs]

911 Operator: Is there an emergency, sir?

Beavis: Butt-head's like, choking. Heh heh, on chicken.

911 Operator: Have you performed the Heimlich?

Beavis: Uhm, is this like, one of those 976 numbers? Heh, what are you wearing?

911 Operator: I repeat, have you heimliched the victim?

Beavis: Have I licked his rectum? Heh, No way! But uh, one time me and Butt-head were playing truth or dare, and uh...

911 Operator: Sir, please. If you want to save your friend’s life, you need to perform the Heimlich Maneuver.

Beavis: [looks down at Butt-head’s butt] Uhm...heh, he’s not really my friend.

---

Boy's playing basketball: (to a boy taking a foul shot) CHOKE, CHOKE, CHOKE, CHOKE, CHOKE,CHOKE

Beavis: (joining in) Yea, Yea, CHOKE!, CHOKE!!! (remeberring Butt-Head is choking) Uhh... nachos, yea nachos.

Safe House

Todd: Get the door, you turds. And remember: act dumb. Oh, and bring some of those marshmallow crackers next time, or I'll stomp a mudhole in your ass!

---

[The boys look at the two police officers at their doorstep via the peephole]

Butt-head: Whoa. Todd's even cooler than we thought.

[Butt-head opens the door]

Police Officer #1: We're looking for a person named Todd.

Beavis: Uh, he's not here. Uh huh huh.

Police Officer #1: That's not what I heard from.

Butt-head: Uh, sirs. I'm afraid I have to kick your ass. Huh huh.

Beavis: And I will kick you in the nads.

[The police officers drag the boys out of the door and arrested them]

Butt-head: Ow! Cut it out! Don't make me kick your ass!

Beavis: Don't make me kick you in the nads!

Hard Sell

Butthead: Huh huh....Number 1...

Beavis: Yea yea yea...tinkle tinkle tinkle!

Walkathon

Stewart: Socko's great.

Butt-head: Uh,huh,huh,huh... Socko has a hand up his butt.

Beavis: Heh,heh,heh,heh, yeah,heh,heh,heh.

Temporary Insanity

Butt-head [whilst sat on the photocopier]: Would you like a copy of my butt?

Walking Erect

Butt-head: Do have any big dogs?

Zookeeper: Wild animals only.

Butt-head: Uh, do have any woodpeckers? Huh huh huh. Woodpeckers.

Career Day

[Beavis and Butt-head, working as security guards of the mall, questioning the customer]

Butt-head: Did you pay for that, ma'am?

Female shopper: Yes.

Butt-head: May I see your receipt, please?

Beavis: Yeah. Heh heh. May I see your slit?

Female shopper: [insulted] Excuse me?

Butt-head: Uhh... could we like rescue?

Female shopper: I don't think so!

[The security guard arrives at the scene]

Security guard: What are you doing with your jobs? Let me handle this! [to customer] Did you purchase that, ma'am?

Female shopper: Yes, I did!

Security guard: [embarrassed with shame] I apologize, ma'am for misunderstanding. It was just a cavity search. [laughs nervously]

Beavis: Yeah yeah yeah. Heh heh heh.

[Furiously, the shopper slapped the security guard in the face]

Female shopper: Ugh! White trash, lousy officer, piece of... [sighs in disgust and walks away]

[The security guard began to laugh stupidly as Beavis and Butt-head laughs with him]

Butt-head: Security is cool.

---

Plastic Surgin'

Butt-head: Hey, we could do that so that we could get bigger thingies.

Beavis: [looks down his shirt] Mine are big enough already. Heh, it's not worth the risk.

Butt-head: Not bigger boobs, dumbass, like we could get bigger wieners.

---

Butt-head: We're gonna need bigger hands.

---

Beaverly Buttbillies

[Digging for oil in their yard]

Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. We're in a hole.

Beavis: Oh, yeah. Hole. [Beavis hits a pipe with his shovel] Hey, Butt-head! Butt-head! I just like, felt something.

Butt-head:[thinking he meant a boner] Uh...okay.

Beavis: Oh, yeah. Wait, no, no. I mean, I felt something, like, with my shovel. Come here, check it out. [He bangs on the pipe with his shovel, and makes a hole in it. Sewage starts coming out] It's oil! It's oil, Butt-head! We've struck oil! It's oil!

Butt-head: Cool! A bubbling crude.

Beavis: Yeah. Oil, that is.

Butt-head: Black gold.

Beavis: Texas tea.

Butt-head:[smelling it] Ugh! Oil smells like turds.

Beavis: Yeah. I bet that's why it's so expensive.

---

Tainted Meat

Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, put that away. You're not supposed to have your penis out while you're cooking.

Beavis: Oh...oh yeah. [angry customer drives away]

Butt-head: Err, can I take your order?

---

Butt-head: Uhh...what seems to be the problem there, Beavis?

Beavis: My thingie itches. It's like the wrong color or something...check it out.

Butt-head: Uhh...no thanks, Beavis.

Beavis: (continuing to scratch his pubic area) Ow, rrr, ehh! Ahh!

---

TV Reporter: An outbreak of tainted meat has struck the local Burger World, and once again raised the question of how meat should be handled.

Butt-head: Huhuhuh...ask the expert.

Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! (continues scratching)

TV Reporter: Pending a health inspection, Burger World will remain closed.

Beavis: This sucks!

Butt-head: Yeah! We lost our jobs!

Beavis: No! My weiner still itches!

---

Butt-head: Face it Beavis, you have a problem with your penis. Maybe you should wash it or something.

Beavis:Yeah, I'll just...wait, with water? No way, then it'll get all wet.

Butt-head: Life is hard, Beavis.

---

Stewart Moves Away

Beavis: Stewart's dad's dirty magazines.

Butt-head: We've torn out all the pages with butts on them, but there's still plenty of good boobs left.

---

Top O' The Mountain

Butt-head I have been to the top of the mountain, and it is good.

Party

Bum: (to Butt-head) Do you have any spokisus?

Wet Behind The Rears

[outside. Beavis and Butt-Head are watching various sport activities.]

Butt-head: Pole-vaulters. Baton Passers. Javelin throwers. [a javelin hits Beavis's hand. Beavis screams] Whoa. [Butt-head removes the javelin from Beavis] You dumbass. I'd warn you. [Buzz-Cut blows his whistle]

Buzzcut: All right, men! Hit the showers! Now!

[Beavis and Butt-Head laugh]

---

[in the showers]

Buzzcut: Where in the hell do you think you're going?

Butt-head: Uhhh... to class?

Beavis: Umm.. yeah, yeah, to class, me too.

Buzzcut: Maybe you didn't hear me when I told you to hit the showers!

Butt-head: Uhh, we thought you were like, talking to somebody else?

Buzzcut: I was talking to everybody!

Butt-head: But like, uhh... we didn't sweat.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If it's all the same sir, um, I'd just like to wait till I get home to take a shower. That'll be great.

Buzzcut: Look at you boy! You're covered in crap!

Beavis: Uhmmm... That was last week. This is blood, sir.

Buzzcut: Name of this class is Physical Education! And that includes proper personal hygiene! Hit the showers now, or fail!

Butt-head: Uhhh... Well, it looks kinda crowded in there.

Buzzcut: Do I have to undress you myself, Butt-head?

Butt-head: Uh, no?

Beavis: no?

---

[On taking a shower at school]

Beavis: This sucks. I hate taking showers.

Butt-head: Yeah, I don't want some naked dudes standing with a schlong right next to me.

Beavis: Yeah, really! I don't want some naked dude standing next to me with his schlong slinging around saying 'Hey good game man.'

Butt-head: And you better not look at me, fart-knocker, or I'll kick your ass.

Beavis: You look at me, I'm gonna kick your ass.

Guy: Hey Beavis and Butt-Head, are you guys gonna finally take a shower?

Butt-head: Uhhh... ummm... hey dude.

Guy: I've never seen you guys take a shower before.

Butt-head: Uhhh... Yeah.

Guy: How come you guys never take a shower?

Butt-head: Hey Beavis, it's all clear.

Guy: Hey Beavis, can you help me with this?

[Beavis Screams]

---

Buzzcut: I am beginning to wonder if you boys have ever taken a shower in your lives. What in the hell do you think you're doing with your underwear still on?

Beavis: Um, we don't want anybody looking at our nads.

Butt-head: Yeah, are you one of those gym teachers that likes to hang out and watch dudes in the shower?

Buzzcut: Dammit, boys, you have pushed me to the limit! You're not getting out of it this time! I'm gonna tear your - [the fire alarm begins to go off] That's the fire alarm! Now hurry up and get out of here!

Butt-Head: Dude, we have been saved by the power supreme.

Beavis: Yeah, fire drills rule.

Buzzcut: Are you deaf? That's the fire alarm! Get the hell out of here now!

Butt-Head: Uhhh... We're just gonna like, get dressed first.

Beavis: We'll be right out. See you later.

Buzzcut: That is a FIRE ALARM! That means the school may be burning down! Now if you don't get the hell out of here, I'm gonna personally grab you by the grundies AND DRAG YOU OUTSIDE IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE STUDENT BODY! SO GET THE HELL OUT! NOW!

---

[Next to the entrance]

Butt-Head: Uhhh... uhhh...

Buzzcut: Get out there before I drag you out!

[Beavis and Butt-Head get outside]

Girl: Hey, look, it's Beavis and Butt-head!

[every student outside starts to laugh at Beavis and Butt-head in their undies. Inside, Principal McVicker is seen holding down the fire alarm switch]

McVicker: Uhhh... Good job!

Buzzcut: Too bad! Another minute and they might have been naked! [starts to laugh too. McVicker laughs as well]

McVicker: Yeah. Look at them.

Bad Dog

Animal shelter worker: You do know what a dog like this eats?

Butt-Head: Uhh.. garbage.

---

Animal shelter worker: What do you do if your dog accendently goes to the bathroom in your house.

Beavis: (Fending off the dog in the backround) Rub his nose in it.

Butt-head: Uhh I'd kick his ass.

Beavis: Rub his nose in it, then kick his ass.

Lightning Strikes

TV voiceover: You're watching PBS.

Butt-head: He said "BS".

Beavis: But first he said "P".

---

[Both look in amazement at the documentary, and the lightning outside]

Butt-head: Get the kite, Beavis.

Dream On

[Beavis dreams that he's on Kung Fu]

Beavis: But master, does not the fire needs water too? Does not the mountain needs the storm? Does not your scrotum needs kicking?

---

[Butt-head dreams that he's on Star Trek: The Next Generation]

Butthead: Number 1, I order you to take a Number Two.

Beavis: Aye-aye, Captain.

---

[Butt-head dreams he's on The Oprah Winfrey Show, surrounded by women, with the headline "Butt-head: Sleeps With Chicks"]

Oprah: Butt-head, you've slept with over 5,000 women. How do you explain the attraction to you?

Butt-head: Uh...just look at me!

---

[Butt-head dreams that he is on the Brady Bunch, his face is in a square alongside the three girls]

Butt-head: [chorus] Here's the story of a guy named Butt-head, who was horny for three very lovely girls...

[Beavis' face in a square pops up]

Beavis: [chorus] Then along came a guy named Beavis, he was horny too.

Candy Sale

Buzzcut: All right, losers: remember, you're competing against other classess, and I'll be damned if my class is gonna lose!

---

Mr. Candy: They're a real bargain at only $2 each. Heck, they practically sell themselves! Now, what if I told you that the richest man...

Butt-head: [mockingly] Blah blah blah blah blaaah bluhhh-ehhh!

Beavis: [in imitation] Blaaaah-blaaaah, heck, they practically sell themselves, ehhhh!

Mr. Candy: Well, you two seem to be real know-it-alls. Why don't you tell us what you're gonna say when a customer says "no"?

Butt-head: Uhhhh, I'd say, "blah blah blah blah blah-leuuuh-luh!"

Beavis: [in imitation again] Blah blah blah blah, what do you say when a customer says no? You seem to know it all! Blah blah blah-blah-blah-blah!

---

Butt-head: Our school's making us sell candy.

Beavis:Yeah, we're losers!

Mr. Anderson: What in the hell kind of sales approach is that?! You boys couldn't sell a dollar for 50 cents.

---

Butt-head: He wants what's in your pocket.

Beavis: He's a pocket fisherman.

Mr. Candy: Oh no, you're not gonna pull that on me again! It took me six months to get another job. [Grabs Beavis] Now give me the rest of the money, you little twerp!

Beavis: Ahhh! He's trying to touch my wiener! Let go, pervert!

Butt-head: Kick him in the nads, Beavis!

Mr. Candy [Grabs Butt-head as well]: You too, you little farter!

[Buzzcut comes in]

Buzzcut: What in the hell are you doing?! This is my class, I do the ass-kicking around here!

Mr. Candy: Wait your turn, Jarhead! [slaps him, Buzzcut's face turns red, and becomes furious]

Buzzcut: You just made a fatal mistake, Mr. Candyass! I hope you're familiar with some hand to hand combat techniques!

Mr. Candy: Oh, you're going down, soldier boy! [tries to hit him, but Buzzcut brutally kicks him in the head]

Beavis: Kick 'em, kick 'em!

Butt-head: Kick 'em in the butt.

Beavis: Kick 'em in the nads!

---

Animation Sucks

Butt-head: Hey let's like, draw more people getting killed. That way we can make a total massacre.

Beavis: Yeah, MASSACRE! MASSACRE!

---

Beavis: So like, in animation you have to draw tons of dead people just to end up with two dead people?!

Butt-head: Animation sucks!

The History Of Women

Mr. Van Driessen: OK, let's see, who hasn't gone yet? Beavis! Are you ready to inspire us with your report?

Butt-head: [awakens Beavis by slapping him] You're next, dillhole!

Mr. Van Driessen: Come on, Beavis! Stand up and tell us about the woman you admire the most!

Beavis: Um... oh yeah... OK.

Mr. Van Driessen: Go ahead! Reveal to us the identity of this profoundly influential female!

Beavis: Oh yeah! Um, uh... oh yeah. My mom!

Butt-head: You wuss.

Mr. Van Driessen: Butt-head, I hope your report is a little more wider in scope than Beavis's.

Butt-head: The woman I admire most, is... uh... Beavis's mom.

Pregnant Pause

Woman in store: [to her pregnant friend] Girl, I can't believe you went and got yourself pregnant.

Beavis: You can get yourself pregnant?! AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH! [takes pregnancy test from woman] Gimme one of those!

---

Butt-head: What's up with you, Beavis? You look like you're pregnant.

Beavis: AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

---

Beavis: The chick said it changes colour if your pregnant so, [reads French instructions] Esay la Peesee la Pregwa... Okay [tries sticking the test tube in his belly button] Maybe it goes in here...

[afterwards]

Beavis: [mutters] It better not change color. [whizzes in pregnancy test tube] It turned yellow! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

---

Woman On TV: It couldn't be morning sickness. What about these cravings? Oh my God! I better NOT be PREGNANT!! Jake! Get me some nachos!

---

Here Comes The Bride's Butt

Butt-head: I just realized something. Being married would suck. You'd just hang around with the same person all the time, and say all the same dumb stuff over and over again. That would suck.

Beavis: Heh, yeah.

Tom Anderson: [to his wife] Hold my hand, honeybunch.

Butt-head: [to Beavis] Pull my finger, buttmunch.

---

Beavis: This music sucks!

Butt-head: Yeah... I wonder when the bride chick's gonna be here...

Screamers

Butt-head: Screaming rules!

---

[Tom Anderson has dialed for Police.]

Mr.Anderson: Hello police. This here is Tom Anderson, 4120 Woodgrove Court. There's two hoodlums that came by my doorstep and started screaming bloody murder. Hell, I don't know if they're armed.

---

[The cop has just descovered Beavis and Butt-head screaming in front of him

Cop: Alright you little punks, I got ya.

[Beavis and Butt-head screams as he grabs the two by their necks.]

Cop: Go ahead and scream all you want. Do you like this? Do you like hearing people SCREAMING? :(continues screaming in Beavis and Butt-head's ear) NOW DAMN IT. THE LAST THING I NEED TO DEAL WITH IS A COUPLE OF NOISE VANDALS LIKE YOU. YOU SEE WHEN I HEAR PEOPLE SCREAMING, IT USUALLY MEANS THERE'S TROUBLE. But if not, It's just like the little brat who cried wolf and someday when there really is trouble, I'M NOT GONNA HELP YOU!!!

[Let's go Beavis and Butthead]

Cop: Now if there's trouble, all you have to do is call. Here's my number. And if you want to scream, you can scream all you want inside your own home. (Turn's red face and screams in the duo's ears) JUST DON'T DO IT OUT HERE!!!!!!!

Beavis, Can You Spare A Dime?

Bum: What's the best city in the world? Generocity!

Oil Change

Gas station worker: Oh, Burger World, huh? I tried to get a job there once.

Buttniks

[Beavis and Butt-head are walking, until they see a woman stood outside a beatnik club.]

Female beatnik:

"Your touch, I shiver

Your tongue, I quiver

My loins, my liver

I, the taker; you, the giver"

Do you like my poem?

Butt-head: Err...

Beavis: Yeah! Your loins, your liver!

Female beatnik: There's plenty more inside.

---

Butt-head: The phone is ringing and I cannot linger. So look out butt, here comes my finger!

---

Cornholio: I am Cornholio; I need T.P. for my bunghole. I want all your crappuccino!

Butt-head: Do it, brother Beavis!

Cornholio: Are you threatening me!? You do not want to face the wrath of my bunghole! My bunghole it goes bungo chungo rungo raaaaapapapapapapa! And one for you! Rrrrpagh!

---

Butt-head: There once was a man from Venus...who had a rocket-shaped, uh...wiener.

---

Bang The Drum Slowly, Dumbass

Mr. Van Driessen: Being in the captivity of nature without women is the perfect way to wrestle with your manhood.

Butt-head: Beavis wrestles with his manhood.

Beavis: Yeah, heh, I usually win.

---

Butt-head: [bangs the drum] This sucks. [bangs it again] Uh....this sucks. [bangs it some more] This sucks.

---

Mr. Van Driessen: Now Beavis, try and get in touch with your inner male.

Beavis: Heheh, no way! Not with a bunch of dudes watching!

---

Beavis: [beats drum] Woah, that was pretty cool. [beats the drum and laughs, getting progressively faster]

Mr. Van Driessen: Okay Beavis, now let that wild man within put his feelings into words.

Beavis: Yeah, hehe, it’s like, it’s like, I wanna check out chicks' thingies! I wanna see their thingies! But they won’t let me! And that just makes me wanna check them out even more!

Other dude 1: We feel your male pain.

Beavis: I feel like I’m never gonna score! And chicks don’t wanna talk to me! Like, I wanna go up and say ‘Hey baby how’s it goin?’ heh. And then just like, they just go away! And then they slap me!

Other dude 2: I can identify with that….I guess.

Beavis: And sometimes I just wanna like, get a big bulldozer and I just wanna like, bulldoze the walls to the girls' locker room! That way I can see their boobs!

Butt-head: That would be cool.

Beavis: It’s like I know they’re naked inside there, and I just can’t stand it! And then, and then I wanna take the bulldozer and like, I wanna bulldoze the cafeteria too! And then the library! Destroy all the books! Eheheheheh, and then I wanna go to the principal’s office, and bulldoze the principal’s office too! EHEHEHEH!

Other dude 1: I think someone’s inner warrior needs to go back to basic training...

Beavis: Things will never turn out they way they-!

Mr. Van Driessen: [interrupting] Maybe you need professional help, Beavis. [reaches over to get the drum back]

Beavis: [beats his hand away] NEVER!

Other dude 3: Someone take that damn drum away from him!

Other dude 2: What the hell are you teaching these kids of yours anyway?

Other dude 1: You know, the guys at the gym were right, you ARE a pantywaste.

Other dude 3: And you said this was the way to recapture the spirit of Woodstock? Woodstock my ass!

Beavis: [beating the drum each time he says it] Naked boobs, naked boobs, naked boobs!

---

Beavis: [tired, some time at least a day later, when school is back in session and Mr. Van Driessen asks Butt-head where he is] I get the crane with the wrecking ball, and the bulldozer, one of those really nice shovels, and a backhoe and a forklift, a front end loader and a combine. and um...a getaway car and some rubbers. Only then will I score. Butt-head?

---

Another Friday Night

Butt-Head: Whoa, the cops are here. Maybe their gonna shoot somebody.

Tired

[Beavis and Butt-head are jumping on the bells at the gas station]

Gas station worker: Hey, you punks! Quit jumping on my bells, or I'll give you something to jump about.

Butt-head: Did he say "Quit jumping on my balls?"

Beavis: QUIT JUMPING ON MY BALLS!

Gas station worker: Look, I'll give you this bottle to break out back if stop distracting my customers.

[The two head to the back of the gas station to break the bottle, but they soon see a tyre]

Butt-head: Whoa! Beavis What The This. That's the biggest tire I ever saw.

---

[Beavis' ride in the tire causes not only a car crash, but also makes Todd spill a small drop of beer onto his jeans]

Todd: Aw, Dammit! My good jeans.

---

[Beavis then hits a car on cinder blocks,owned by a redneck couple, killing the man underneath. Butt-head soon follows up]

Redneck Woman: HEY! IF YOU STEP ON MY PROPERTY AGAIN, I'LL SUIT YOUR ASS!

---

[Todd arrives at the parking lot where he is about to attack Beavis for making him spill beer on his jeans.]

Todd: You pre-schoolers are dead! You made me spill beer all over my jeans!

Butt-head: Do you want me to kick Beavis' ass for you?

Todd: That won't be necessary, man.

Close Encounters

Spelling: Butt-head, perhaps you see a part of yourself in Michael.

Butt-head: Yeah, my butt.

Spelling: And Beavis, is that what you feel?

Butt-head: Beavis feels himself.

Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Heh, I'll kick your ass!

---

Butt-head: [thinking] You will get the chick across from you. You will see her thingies. It is going to be cool.

---

Womyn

• Butt-Head: Dammit, Beavis! We gotta room full of chicks who do it for free, and all you can think about is why there aren't more guys here?!
• Beavis: Ummm, yea, hehheh.
• Butt-Head: Beavis, I'm a little dissapointed in you!

Premature Evacuation

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. I bet if we had a bomb, Pantera would hang out with us.

Butt-Head: Yeah. We could make 'em hang out with us.

Whiplash

Beavis: I was like, AGHH!! MY LEG!! Uh I mean, AGHH!! MY NECK!!!

Spare Me

Girl 2: We'll take you for a ride.

Patsies

Mr. Buzzcut: For today's positive activity you're gonna wash my wagoneer!

Patsy: Umm, that's not what my dad said we're gonna do.

Mr. Buzzcut: Your dad's not here, boy! And for the tenth time, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna positively kill you!

---

Butt-Head: Heh heh heh heh, "wood."

Beavis: Heh heh, "boner!"

Murder Site

Butt-head:[About the place where the guy killed his brother]It was your idea in the first place, buttknocker.

Beavis:Hey don't call me "buttknocker" butt-head.

---

Butt-head: Turn on the lights, buttknocker. I can't see anything!

Beavis: [Angrily] Stop calling me "buttknocker"!

Butt-head: Beavis, you buttmunch, turn on the light before I kick your ass!

Beavis: [Calmly] Okay. That's better. [Switches the lamp on]

Butt-head: [Scoping the living room, which resembles their own living room] This is cool... So,uh... where do you think he killed him?

Beavis: Hmm, let's see. It looks like he fell. I'd have to say he died right about here. [Points to an outline of the victim's lying position] Yeah, yeah.

Butt-head: Oh, yeah.

Beavis: Whoa! [Walks toward tire iron] Check out this thing. [Picks up tire iron] I bet he hit him with this.

Butt-head: Don't be stupid, Beavis. That's for, like, changing tires and stuff.

Beavis: Oh, yeah. [Throws tire iron right next to the lamp table] Whoa. [Spots a TV remote and picks it up] Hey, I got the remote. Let's see what's on TV.

Butt-head: Beavis, I told you I wasn't gonna let you touch the remote anymore. [Makes an unsuccessful grab for the remote] Now, give me that, buttknocker!

Beavis: No way, and stop calling me "buttknocker"!

Butt-head: [Climbs toward Beavis] Give it here, before I kick your buttknockering ass! [Manages to grip the remote with Beavis still holding it, before they drop it on the floor]

Beavis: Stop calling me that, Butt-head! [Punches Butt-head twice in the stomach] Stop it!

Butt-head: [Knees Beavis in the groin] Buttknocker!

Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Shut up!! [Growls uncontrollably, Beavis and Butt-head fall behind couch] I'm gonna kill you, Butt-head!! I swear to God, I'm gonna kill you!!!

Butt-head: [knocks lamp over] Oh, yeah? [Throws punch at Beavis, most likely his head] You and what other buttknockers?

Beavis: [Beavis and Butt-head fall on the couch, then the floor] Shut up, Butt-head!!

Butt-head: Buttknocker...

Beavis: SHUT UP!

Butt-head: Buttknocker...

Beavis: STOP IT!

Butt-head: Buttknocker...

Beavis: I'LL KILL YOU!!!

Police Lieutenant: [Barges in] GET HIM!

Beavis: YOU SON OF A BITCH!! [Growls uncontrollably, then gets apprehended by the officers] Come on! Let me go! I'm gonna kill Butt-head! I'm gonna kill him! [Growls uncontrollably]

Butt-head: [Watches as Beavis is taken away] That was cool. [Laughs in lower pitch than normal] Uh huh huh huh.

---

Beavis:[To a criminal about butt-head]He keeps calling me "buttknocker" & he won't stop & IT PISSE ME OFF!!!

Later...

Butt-head:[Pointing to beavis]There he is,The buttknocker in the middle.

Spanish Fly

Butt-Head: Hey Beavis, huh huh huh. If you like, abstract a chick, huh huh huh, then I can like, stick it in her taco! Huh huh huh.

Beavis: Heh heh heh m heh No way, Butt-Head! We have to like, give her the Spanish Fly first!

Butt-Head: What the hell do you think I'm talking about, butt plug?!?!

Beavis: Um, I uh, oh yeah, yeah heh heh heh m heh...

---

[Tommy, the student who's consumed the Spanish Fly, has got a scared Beavis in a wrestling position]

Beavis: AHHHHHHHHHH!!! HE'S GOT A BONER!!!!

Butt-head: Kick him in the nads, Beavis.

[Beavis delivers a low blow to Tommy]

Buzzcut [Whilst tending to Tommy]: Beavis, get back here!

Beavis: Let's get outta here before he screws us all!

[Beavis and Butt-head walk out]

---

Sexual Harassment

Butt-head: Right now, I'm being sexually harassed by Kimberly.

Kimberly: WHAT!?!

Beavis: Yeah, me too, she's giving me a stiffy.

Butt-head: Yeah, and it makes it like uncomfortable to work and stuff....usually harasses me at least once a day.

Beavis: Four or five times for me, sir.

---

Bus Trip

Butt-Head: Let's write big butt on the chalkboard.

[Beavis and Butt-head are about to deface the blackboard when they see the words, "FIELD TRIP TODAY"]

Butt-head: Wait, it's trying to tell us something. [Begins to read] "Feel"..."Tit"...err..."Tripe"...

---

Butt-Head: I've got a rock formation in my pants.

[Van Driessen has got his guitar ready and asks the students for song requests]

Dean: Like, 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall?

Van Driessen: Good, Dean. But beer and driving don't mix. How about 99 Bottles of Tea on the Wall. Or we could try some other arrangement.

Cars behind the bus are honking their horns.

Van Driessen: Hey, why's everybody honking?

Beavis [Whilst mooning at other cars]: Peek-a-boo!

---

Steamroller

Butt-head: Some day, we're gonna have wheels just like Todd.

Beavis: Yeah, then we can, like, drive chicks to school.

Butt-head: You dumbass! If we ever get a car and chicks, we're not going anywhere near a school.

Neighbor: You are going to pay for this Anderson

Mr. Anderson: Like hell I am, you're the one who told me to rent from Morgan's. Now, get the hell off my property you son of a bitch! And if I ever see that damn dog of yours peeing on my lawn again, I'm gonna shoot both of you!

Season 6

U.S. History

Daria: And when this "magic bullet" went into the President's chest, it had to make a sharp turn in order to exit his body from the neck. Then it would have had to turn right, then left, and somehow have enough energy to hit the Governor in the front seat. Clearly, the assassination was a conspiracy.

Mr. Van Driessen Thank you, Daria. That gave me the chills. Folks, these have been some of the best oral reports I have ever heard!

Butt-Head: Huhuhuh...oral.

Beavis: Yeah, heheh, I'm going to do an anal report.

---

Daria: You guys will never graduate.

Butt-Head: Uhh... never masturbate?

Daria: Graduate! It's when you're all done with school.

Beavis: You mean, like, school ends?

Mr. Van Driessen: That's right, Beavis. When you finish high school, you'll never have to take another class if you don't want to. But that's not going to happen if you don't give your oral report right now.

Beavis: My report, is on the time, me and Butt-Head had like, dinner and stuff.

Mr. Van Driessen: Now Beavis, what does that have to do with American hist—

Beavis: [angrily] Shut up, I'm not done yet!

Mr. Van Driessen: Now Butt-Head, please make your report about a figure in American history.

Butt-Head: Uhh. Okay. Uhh, my report is, uhh, my report is about the time I kicked Beavis in the nads and he was, like, passed out all day.

Insert speaker's name:=== Feel a Cop ===

'Butt-:Head':::Insert speaker's name:::Insert speaker's name:yuiy78yhhiffuygyg::: huh-huh-huh. me sohorny

---

Beavis and Butt-head walk up to a female police officer who is posing as a prostitute.

Butt-head: Hey baby... So like how much.

Officer: Fifty

Butt-head: Cool, Beavis, do you have fifty cents?

---

Cops are listening in on Beavis and Butt-head from a van outside.

Beavis: (on the radio) Wow Butt-head check out the size of that rubber.

Cop: Come on make a spacific offer for sex.

Butt-head: (on the radio) That's a shower cap dumbass.

Date Watchers

[Beavis and Butt-head are watching Mr. Van Driessen and his girlfriend through the window]

Butt-head: Grab his schlong!

Blood Pressure

Butt-head: I'll trade you for these diapers. You can poop in them.

Babysitting

Butt-Head: You're not suppose to touch him, Beavis. It's like against the law or something...

Stewart Is Missing

Stewart's Mom: It's not like Stewart to miss lunch!

Beavis: I bet. He's fat.

---

Butt-head: Maybe he has diarrhea.

Stewart's Mom: [crying] He does NOT have diarrhea. I'm his mother, I would know if he had diarrhea.

---

Beavis: Have you looked in the garbage can?

Stewart's Mom: [crying] Oh no, you...

Butt-head: Beavis, you dumbass, why'd you tell her that? ... Stewart doesn't fit in a garbage can, dumbass, remember? If you wanted to put Stewart in a garbage can, you'd have to like, cut him up into little pieces.

---

Stewart's Mom: My poor Stewart! What could have happened to him?

Beavis: um...Maybe somebody killed him and burried him in a shallow grave. [Stewart's mom sobs louder] Um...what's the matter?

---

Sprout

Mr. Van Driessen: Now, Beavis and Butt-head, if you could grow any type of food, what would you grow?

Beavis: Heh heh. Um...nachos.

Butt-head: Nachos aren't a plant, dumbass. They, like, make 'em from stuff.

Mr. Van Driessen: That's right, Butt-head. And corn is an excellent choice. Or, as the Native Americans call it, "maize".

Beavis: No, no, no. We want to grow nachos.

Mr. Van Driessen: In a few months, Beavis, when the corn grows, you'll be able to make your own nachos.

Beavis: Yeah, but we can go to Maxi-Mart and get some right now.

Butt-head: Yeah, but this is school. They have to do everything ass-backwards.

---

Prank Call

Harry [answering his phone] um...Hello...?

Beavis uh...uh...YOU SUCK! [toilet flushes]

---

Harry [answering the phone] Yeah?

[Butt-Head manages to do number two whilst on the phone]

[toilet flushes]

Beavis [in the background]: It's Harry Sachz!!!

---

[The boys have just prank called Harry Sachz, and Harry calls them back]

Butt-head: Uh, hello?

Harry Sachz: Hey, congratulations. You just won yourself a free pizza.

Butt-head: Cool!

Harry Sachz: We'll be happy to deliver it right over to your house. What's your address?

Butt-head: Uhh...

Harry Sachz: You don't know your own address?

Butt-head: Uhh...

Harry Sachz: Uh, tell you what. Do you have any mail around? Read me the address off of that.

Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. Do we, like, have any mail around?

Beavis: Uh, let's see. Just that stuff we took out of Stewart's mailbox.

Butt-head:[into phone] Uh, okay.

Harry Sachz: Good. Now, what does it say?

Butt-head: Uh, Stewart Stevenson, uh, 67 Maple Street. Now hurry up and get that pizza over here. I'm hungry.

[Butt-head hangs up, then Harry Sachz does and breaks his pencil while laughing]

---

Harry Sachz [After giving a bog-wash to Mr. Stevenson]: Listen very carefully, funny man! If you ever, EVER, call me again, I swear I'll find you, where ever you are, and I'll GUT you! [Undoes Mr. Stevenson's pants] And just to be sure you DON'T call me, I'm gonna stick your phone where you're gonna have an AWFUL HARD TIME DIALLING IT!

Mr. Stevenson: No, please, no... [Sachz shoves phone up Mr. Stevenson's anus]

---

No Service

[on the phone]

Butt-head: Uhh, what?

Manager: [over the phone] This is your boss at Burger World. We're having an extremely busy lunch, I need one of you to come down to Burger World

Butt-head: Uhh, I'm like, busy watching TV.

Manager: Well, then, let me talk to the other one.

Butt-head: Uhh, okay. [does a bad impression of Beavis] Uh huh huh huh. Like, hi, this is Beavis, uh huh huh huh, yeah, huh huh huh. I'll be right in, sir, yeah, huh huh huh huh. You can always, like, count on me, sir, huh huh huh huh. [hangs up] Hey Beavis, that was that manager dude at Burger World. He says you have to go to work right now.

Beavis: No way! That sucks! It sucks! Hey, how come you don't have to go to work?

Butt-head: Because I'm, like, busy watching TV.

Beavis: Oh yeah. This sucks

---

Customer: I want a bacon cheeseburger with extra mayo, a want a large chocolate shake, two orders of onion rings, an apple pie, and a diet cola.

Beavis: You said 'pie.' That's funny, right?

---

Yard Sale

[The pair arrive at Mr. Anderson's yard sale]

Mr. Anderson: I can get you a real good deal on that bushwhacker.

[Beavis and Butt-head start laughing]

Butt-head: Bush.

Beavis: Whacker.

P.T.A.

[The pair receive a letter that's supposed to be for their parents]

Beavis: Maybe we can suggest that school sucks. SUCKS! SUCKS!

Butt-head: Or maybe we can suggest that we can get a teacher that's cool.

Substitute

Mr. Van Driessen: Okay, class. I'm very disappointed with your test scores.

Butt-head: We scored.

Shopping List

[Mr. Anderson has just given the pair a shopping list]

Butt-head: Would you like some toilet paper?

Beavis [in the style of Cornholio]: TP, for your bunghole!

Buy Beer

[Butt-Head puts down 6 cans of non-alcoholic beer on the register stand]

Cashier: Yeah, Can I help you?

Butt-Head: Yeah. We're going to buy this beer and get drunk.

Cashier: Yeah? Well, you can't buy beer unless you're 21. Lemme see some ID.

Butt-Head: Oh. Uh.. Well... Uh... Uh.. Uh... Huh huh... We left our IDs in the truck.

Beavis: Yeah yeah. Truck.

[the cashier checks the contents of the beer which says "Contains no alcohol"]

Cashier: Oh, you guys are buying that pee-water. I guess I can sell that crap to you.

Butt-Head: That's right. You can sell it to us. (chuckles) We're old.

---

[After the boys fail a field soberioty test]

Officer: I'm going to have to take you boys downtown [picks up non-alchoholic beer] and I'm going to have to take this with us.

Butt-Head: Yeah, you can't forget the beer.

Officer: [Reads on back of beer "Contains No Alcohol" and reads it aloud] You guys aren't drunk, you're just stupid.

Season 7

Vaya Con Cornholio

At Burger World

Butt-head: [eating a burger] Huh huh huh. Hey, Beavis, how's that new soda?

Beavis: Mmm, mh heh, it's pretty good.

Immigration Officer: Hey, you! ¿Habla español?

Cornholio: Español? Es-bunghole!

Officer: Oh, yeah. And he keeps saying that he needs "TP for his bunghole".

Supervisor: What the hell's a bunghole?

Cornholio: You are a bunghole! And so am I. There will be many more bungholes after me!

Officer: [reading from dictionary] Bunghole: a hole in a barrel or keg used for pouring in or drawing out liquid.

Supervisor: This kid's messed up. Let's take him back to Mexico. We'll have the federales deal with him.

Officer: Come on, Cornholio. It's time to go home.

Cornholio: Are you threatening me? You will give me TP!

Officer: I know your bunghole needs TP. We'll get you plenty of TP, and your bunghole will be just fine.

Cornholio: I'd hate for my bungholio to get polio.

Cornholio: You must feed the almighty bunghole!

Officer: I'm with immigration, and if you don't show me some proof of residency I'm gonna have to take you with

Cornholio: You can take me, but you cannot take my bunghole!

Cornholio: [arriving Mexico] Aaahh, is this Nicaragua? I will take this land for my bunghole! Long live the almighty bunghole!

Cornholio: [going to Mexico] I'm the great Cornholio. There will be TP for everyman. No man should be without TP.

---

Ding Dong Ditch

Butt-head: yay, this trick rules! It's like we ring the door bell and then we run away.

Beavis: Yeah yeah, OK.

Man at the door: Yeah?

Beavis: We tricked him.

Butt-head: He's probably like "uhh, there is nobody here. I wonder who did that."

Man at the door: Hey, what the hell is wrong with you two. Do that again I'll kick your ass.

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, did we do that right?

Butt-head: Eeeh, I don't know. Maybe we're supposed to like run away before anyone opens the door. Let's try it again.

Beavis: Yeah, this is gonna be cool.

Butt-head: So like, this time remember to run away before they come to the door.

Beavis: Ooi, OK. "before." That was cool!

Butt-head: Yeah! They're gonna be pissed.

Beavis: Uhhm, nobody is coming out, Butt-head.

Butt-head: Maybe whoever lives there has like a broken leg or something and it takes long time to get to the door.

Beavis: Yeah, that will be pretty cool!

Butt-head: Yeah!

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, let's ring it again!

Butt-head: Eeeh, OK.

Beavis: Let me ring it.

Butt-head: No way, Beavis. You rang it last time.

Beavis: No way. You did dill-hole!

Butt-head: Uhh, wait a minute. Uhh, I think we forgot to ring the door bell, Beavis.

Beavis: Dammit, this is really hard, Butt-head!

Butt-head: Yeah but it's cool once you get it right. Come on.

Man at the door: What do you want? What? What are you doin'?

Beavis: Did you see that? That was pretty cool!

Butt-head: Beavis, you screwed it up again! You're supposed to run before he comes to the door.

Beavis: No, dammit! I don't know when he's gonna come to the door. This sucks!

Butt-head: Dumbass!

Neighbour Woman: Where are you goin'?

Neighbour Woman's Husband: The neighbours asked if I pick up their mail while they're away on vacation.

Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. I hope whoever lives here is like taking a dump.

Beavis: He gotta run to the door.

Butt-head: Dammit, what the hell is taking so long!

Beavis: Yeah really, let's do it again. What's wrong with these people?

Butt-head: I don't know. They must be stupid.

Beavis: Are you sure we get it right this time?

Butt-head: Eeh, yeah.

[The family living there just arrives their house.]

Family guy: God, it's good to be back home huh again? What a trip!

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, they weren't even home.

Butt-head: That sucks!

---

[Beavis and Butt-head return home.]

Butt-head: Ding dong ditch is hard.

Beavis: Yeah yeah, that sucks. What a waste of time!

Butt-head: Maybe we were like doing something wrong. We need practice. Hey Beavis, you pretend you're at home, and I'll like do it to you.

Beavis: Yeah yeah practice.

[Butt-head goes out and rings the door bell.]

Beavis: Who do that? Hello, dammit! Nobody here, dammit! Bunghole! Ooh yeah, that worked pretty good, yeah.

A Very Special Episode

Butthead: [trying to pronounce "symptoms"] Sym-sym-Simpsons? Uh, they're pretty cool.

---

[after Butt-head tosses a baby bird into the air]

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, you "flipped the bird." heh heh.

Dumbasses Anonymous

Bartender: I already told you kids! You don't have ID, you look underage, and if I serve you, I'll go to jail!!

Butthead: Uhh...how about one for the road?

Beavis: Yeah, like one to help me forget or something?

Joe from AA meeting: Don't worry, man, these are good kids. Y'know, you guys remind me a lot of when I was your age.

Butthead: Yeah, some day we're gonna be just like you.

Beavis: Yeah, we're gonna be drunk. (Joe falls on the floor in drunken stupor)

Head Lice

---

Beavis: [in Cornholio's voice] Do you have any tsetse flies? Hehe. Teetsie!

Nurse: Here's a prescription for some special shampoo and cream for skin irritation.

Butt-head: [laughs] She said foreskin.

Beavis: Yeah. Foreskin irritation.

---

Beavis starts whacking Butt-head with a w: flyswatter in an attempt to kill the lice

Butt-head: Ow! What the hell are you doing, ass-wipe?!

Beavis: Yeah! I'm kicking the bugs' ass! Yeah!

Butt-head: Ow! I'm gonna kick your ass, fartknocker! [kicks Beavis in the testicles]

Beavis: AAAAAAHHH! [falls down]

Butt-head: Now get up. We gotta, like, use an infesticide.

---

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, are they dead?

Butt-head: Uh, I think we got 'em, dude.

[Beavis suddenly starts scratching his scrotum]

Beavis: Um....wait a minute. Dammit. I think I got some more bugs on my nads.

Butt-head: Uh, how'd they get there, Beavis?

Beavis: I don't know. Dammit!

Butt-head: Maybe you should stick your weiner in the bug zapper!

Beavis: Yeah, yeah! That's a really good idea, Butt-head! [pulls bug zapper down to his crotch area] Let me just get this down here, here we go... [unzips his pants, and offscreen, follows Butt-head's advice. Electricity crackles and Beavis screams]

Butt-head [chuckling]: Dumbass!

Cyber-Butt

Butt-head: Welcome to the future: here is your free porn.

Nose Bleed

Beavis [upon noticing that he's got a nosebleed]: No! I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding!

---

Butthead [with the string tied to the door and to Beavis's stomach] (laughs and closes the door)

Beavis AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Blood goes all over the room]

---

Butt-head goes up to a woman coming out of a gas station rest-room.

Butt-head: So here's a quarter. Could you like get one of those things, you put in your thing, when you got your thing.

Woman punches Butt-head.

---

Citizen's Arrest

Butt-head: Beware the long arm of Butt-head.

Beavis: Beware the long wiener of Beavis!

---

A Great Day

Beavis: Some day I'd like to be like that. Ya know, a kid finds a dead bird, ya give him 20 bucks for it. Now that's cool.

---

Woodshop

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, I don't know why, but this is giving me a stiffy.

Butt-head: Uhhhh, maybe that's why they call it 'woodshop'.

---

Butt-head: [Handing Beavis's severed finger to the nurse] Hey Beavis. I'm giving her the finger.

Garage Band

Butthead: "Come on dumb ass play it" Beavis "Check this out....UHHH YEEEAAAHHH! WAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! YOURE GONNA DIE!!!! OHHH DNANANANANANANA DIDLLYWOO WEEEWOO BROWWWWW BAAABABABA DADADADA!!!"

Impotence

Dr. Leibowitz: Let's try to see exactly what the problem is. Now, I'm going to run some tests to gauge your ability to become aroused.

Butt-head: Cool.

Dr. Leibowitz: Now, I'm going to show you some photographs. When you begin to feel aroused, just raise your hand. Now...[he sees that Beavis and Butt-head have already raised their hands]

Beavis: Um, are these pictures of the chicks we're gonna get to score with?

Dr. Leibowitz: Well, yes, if you find that helps, that would be an excellent way to think of them.

Butt-head: Cool. Bring 'em on.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah. [mock-Arabic accent] Which lucky girls will be fit to join my harem?

Dr. Leibowitz: Uh, okay. Here's the first image. [holds up a photo of a model in lingerie]

Butt-head: [both raise their hands] Yes! I'll take her!

Beavis: Yeah, yeah, me too. [turns to Butt-head] I saw her first, dillhole!

Dr. Leibowitz: Hmm. Let's go on. [holds up another photo]

Butt-head: Whoa! [raises his hand]

Beavis: Wha-ha! Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!!

Dr. Leibowitz: Interesting. Beavis, why didn't you raise your hand this time? Didn't you find the image exciting?

Butt-head: [looks at Beavis] Uhh, Beavis' hands are busy, sir.

The Miracle That Is Beavis

[After seeing a commercial about a book 'Seize the Power']

Butt-head: Hey Beavis....seize my weiner.

---

Buzzcut: Beavis!

Beavis: AAAAH! [Scared]

Buzzcut: DAMMIT YOU WILL LISTEN WHEN I'M TALKIN'!!!

Beavis: No way! I'm sick of school and I'm sick of you!

Buzzcut: WHAT?!?! YOU GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!! I'LL SEE YOU IN DETENTION!!!

Beavis: OK, cool.

Inventors

Beavis:[seeing a man chopping wood] I know. Let's invent a tree.

Butt-head: Beavis.

Beavis: See, we could build one out of lumbers and two-by-fours and stuff, and then we could like tape some leaves- [Butt-head slaps him] OW!!! See, that way, anyone who needs wood, but doesn't want to cut down his own tree, can just, like, buy our tree and cut it down, and then he- [Butt-head slaps him again] OW!!!

Butt-head: Why wouldn't he just go cut down his neighbor's tree, dumbass? Now, quit wasting time. We need to come up with a REAL money-making invention.

Die Fly, Die!

Butt-Head: Now we need to get some of that bug spray.

Beavis: Bug spray?

Butt-Head: Yeah, when it lands on the garbage, we'll like, spray poison on it, then it's gonna puke all over itself and die!

---

Butt-head: (pulling trash can into house) So, all we need to do is... (turns around and sees Beavis taking a dump in the living room) UHHHH! BEAVIS, WHAT THE HELL ARE DOING!?

Beavis: (getting up) You said flies like to eat garbage and crap.

---

Beavis: Look, Butt-Head. (pulls out the hedgetrimmer) Say hello to my little friend!

Work Is Death

Burger World Manager: You don't get workers compensation for fighting, it has to be an accident.

Beavis: You mean we, like, need to poop in our pants?

---

Graduation Day

Mr. Van Driessen: This is called a mortar board, and it comes with this tassel which many graduates say is a momento of their special day. Perhaps some of your older brothers and sisters still have theirs.

Butt-head: Oh yeah! My uncle has one of those hanging on his dashboard.

Mr. Van Driessen: Good, Butt-head! He must have saved it from his own high school graduation.

Butt-head: Uh...no. He didn't go to high school. He got it off the boob of some chick in a nudey bar.

Mr. Van Driessen: Butt-head...there's a big difference in the meaning of the two. I hope that someday you get to understand that.

---

Mr. Van Driessen: Congratulations, Cassandra. You will go far in life.

Beavis: Heheheheh...tassel.

Mr. Van Driessen: Congratulations, Butt-head. You have many...uh, qualities. (quietly and with a hint of embarrassment) Here's your diploma, Beavis. (While the other students return to their seats, Beavis & Butt-head walk out thinking it was an actual graduation)

The Future Of Beavis and Butt-head

Job Counselor: So, which duty do you enjoy most?

Butt-head: Beavis enjoys all his doodies.

Beavis: Yeah.

Job Counselor: Well, which do you enjoy most?

Beavis: Um, well...I guess the ones that take a long time.

Job Counselor: You like to get your hands dirty?

Beavis: Well, yeah, sometimes.

Job Counselor: Something you can really sink your teeth into?

Beavis: Um...no, that's disgusting.

---

Speech Therapy

[At Principal McVicker's Office]

Principal McVicker: Uuhh, no! Beavis and Butt-head, what the hell are you doing here?

Butt-head: Ehhh, like, two weeks ago, you told us we were suspended for like two weeks. So I think like now, we might be done being suspended, or something?

Principal McVicker: Uhh, god, I've been dreading this day.

Butt-head: Yeah, me too!

Beavis: Yeah really, school sucks!

Principal McVicker: You watch your mouth, little pain in the ass! Ehh, whose class are you supposed to be in this morning?

Butt-head: Ehh, I think the teacher is a guy. Ehh, Van..., uhh Rigvantrison?

Beavis: Yeah yeah, something like that.

Principal McVicker: Ooh, no. Mr. Van Driessen took his class to the botanical gardens today. Ooh, dammit!

Butt-head: Yeah dammit!

Beavis: Yeah dammit, god damn son of a bitch!

Principal McVicker: You little bastards, watch your language! Ooh, wait a minute. We've just got a new speech therapist on staff. Maybe I'll stick you in her class. Yeah.

Butt-head: He said "in her".

Principal McVicker: Oh, no!

Beavis: Oh, yeah.

[In Speech Therapy Class]

Ms. Jenkins: Well, good morning everyone. My name is Miss Jenkins and I'm a speech therapist. And I guess a lot of you were wondering "why do I need speech therapy?"

Beavis: Yeah.

Ms. Jenkins: I already know how to speak. What can I learn here? You know, sometimes people don't even realize they have a speech impediment.

Beavis: What's a speech im-pediment?

Butt-head: Speech im-pediments suck!

Ms. Jenkins: A person shouldn't be ashamed of having a speech impediment. As a matter of fact, many highly intelligent and creative people are speech impaired.

Butt-head: Hey Beavis, that dude has boob.

Ms. Jenkins: And once they begin to be more aware of how they sound, they are better able to correct themselves.

Beavis: Butt-head, that what I think it is?

Butt-head: Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Ms. Jenkins: Well, I'm glad to hear that Butt-head and we're all glad to have you on our little speech team.

Butt-head: Eee, can you get out of the way?

Beavis: Yeah really.

Ms. Jenkins: Well, I'll tell you what boys. I have some other pictures in my briefcase that are even more interesting than that one.

Butt-head: Really?

Beavis: What could be more interesting than this?

Ms. Jenkins: Well, how about a picture taken from right up inside the larynx?

Beavis: Wow, no way!

Butt-head: How could you get a camera up there?

Ms. Jenkins: Well, I'll be happy to show you after you practice this next exercise, OK?

Butt-head: This is gonna be cool.

Beavis: Yeah yeah, boi-oi-oi...

Ms. Jenkins: OK now, we're going to use these mirrors to observe our lips, and teeth, and tongue during speech.

Butt-head: Butt-munch, dill-lead.

Beavis: Ass-wipe, butt-hole.

Butt-head: Ass-munch

Ms. Jenkins: Butt-head, this might be a good time to work on your "s".

Butt-head: Eeeh, I didn't know my ass needed any work.

Ms. Jenkins: Now don't get defensive Butt-head, I just want to try to clean it up a little, OK? Now try this. Make a "t" sound, then throw it out like this. Everyone, let's try to help Butt-head, OK?

Butt-head: Hey Beavis, The Ms.Jenkins Peace Seconds!

Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! Sure

Butt-head: All Right Left Roll

Ms. Jenkins: Settle down please, all right boys? OK. What I'd like everyone to do is to repeat these sentences while watching your mouth in your mirrors, OK? All right, here goes: Speaking slowly as such can say just as much.

Butt-head: Whoa, she just said "ass munch"!

Beavis: Yeah, this chick rules. "Ass munch"!

Ms. Jenkins: Very good, boys! As much.

Beavis: Ass munch!

Butt-head: Ass munch!

Ms. Jenkins: All right, let's try this one. Half haste helps, but whole haste hinders.

Butt-head: Whoa, she just said "butthole"!

Beavis: Yeah yeah, butthole!

Ms. Jenkins: But whole haste...

Beavis: Yeah yeah, butthole butthole! This is cool. Bunghole!

Ms. Jenkins: No no Beavis, listen closely. But whole, but whole.

Beavis: Oooh yeah yeah.

Principal McVicker: I just came by to see if these two little bastards have done anything I can suspend them for.

Ms. Jenkins: Actually principal McVicker, these boys have done very well. Beavis, Butt-head, would you like to show your principal what you've learned today?

Butt-head: Assmunch

Beavis: And butthole. Butthole.

Principal McVicker: Watch your mouth, you little sons of bitches.

Ms. Jenkins: Principal, please. Now I don't want you to take this to the wrong way, principal. But I've noticed that you have a litle trouble expressing yourself sometimes.

Principal McVicker: What?

Butt-head: McVicker is a dumbass. He doesn't know how to talk to chicks.

Beavis: Yeah really. He's probably like "....." Boi-oi-oi...

---

Leave It To Beavis

Beaver: [who is on TV] Gee Wally, dad said not to. And besides, I don't want him to holler at me.

Butt-head: Uhuhuhuh...beaver.

Beavis: Yeah yeah, Beaver kicks ass. But it's like, um, that'd not really what stuff was like back then.

Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, if this was real, and it was like the 50's, things would be all different and stuff.

---

Todd: So, Beaver...

Beavis: The name's Beavis, sir.

Todd: Well excuse me, Beaver.

---

Mrs. Steveson: Now dear, don't you think you should go to work today?

Butt-head: Uh, no. [rubs her arm]

---

Todd: Now get in there and get me some smokes.

Beavis: Are you sure I should be doing this?

Todd: What did you say?

Beavis: I said are you-

[Todd revs the car so the rest of the words aren't heard]

Todd: Listen squirt, you better get in there and get me some smokes before today's lesson turns into Ass-kicking 101.

---

Store Owner: Well hey there Master Cleaver, aren't you supposed to be in school?

Beavis: Well, I guess so, b-but all I know is I'm sposed to come in here and buy some cigarettes.

Store Owner: Hey, you wouldn't be buying these for Eddy now would ya?

Beavis: ...Gee, how'd you know?

[Store Owner looks out window and sees Todd smoking. Canned laughter.]

---

Store Owner: Tell Eddy it's against the law for me to sell cigarettes to a boy your age. And then, tell him cigarettes cause cancer.

Beavis: Y-yeah but, if I tell him that, he might get all sore 'n stuff. A-and then he's liable to beat me up.

Store Owner: Well, if he tries that, you tell him that's against the law too.

---

Butt-head: Woah. What happened, uh, son?

Todd: It seems that little Beaver here ran afoul of some asphalt.

Butt-head: Uh huh huh....asphalt.

---

Mrs. Stevenson: Aren't you being a little hard on the Beavis?

Butt-head: Huh huh huh, hard. Huhuhuhuh, on.

---

Butt Flambé

Beavis: [scared] My butt HURTS!!

Our Founding Losers

[Butt-Head as Paul Revere riding into town]

Butt-Head: Uhh, the Yiddish are coming! The Yiddish are coming!

---

[Beavis is having a dream of the writing of the Declaration of Independence; Thomas Jefferson is dictating and Beavis is dressed like Benjamin Franklin]

Thomas Jefferson: "All Men are endowed by their creator, with certain inalienable Rights, and among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." Have you anything to add, Compatriot Beavis?

Beavis: Oh, um, OK, let me think- how about this? "All chicks shall be required to do it with us, at all times. E pluribus unum."

Thomas Jefferson: A damn fine idea, lad.

All: Hear hear!

Beavis and Butt-head Are Dead

The phone begins to ring.

Beavis: Um, hey, Butt-head, I think the phone is ringing.

Butt-head: Yeah, well make it stop.

Beavis goes to the phone and answers it.

Beavis: Um...who are you?

McVicker's secretary: This is Highland High calling. We're trying to figure out why Beavis and Butt-head haven't been in school for the past three weeks.

Beavis: Oh. Um...yeah, they're dead.

---

Mr. Van Driessen:Students, can I have your attention? There's been a terrible tragedy...and I wanted you to hear it from me first-

Principal McVicker: (over PA) Listen up! Beavis and Butt-head are dead! There will be an emergency meeting in the teachers' conference room in five minutes, followed by a brief party. WHOO! YEAH!

---

Principal McVicker: [Giving speech at fund-raiser] I would gladly give back all the money, just to see Beavis and Butt-head one more time.

Butt-head: Okay, McDicker, give us some money.

Principal McVicker: What!?

Beavis: Where the hell are the dead people?

Principal McVicker: Uhhh, you're supposed to be dead!

[Principal McVicker struggles with Beavis and Butthead. He then sees the memories of the boys' antics and soon has a heart attack]

Beavis: Whoa! Finally Is Live I Win I Win ! Hey Butt-Head Look !

Coach Buzzcut: Give the man some air! He's not dead yet!

[Buzzcutt gives him mouth-to-mouth]

---

[The final lines of the series as the boys walk off to the strings of love music and sirens--with the money collected in their names]

Butt-head: Hey Beavis, did you see McVicker? He was like ‘uh, uh, uh,' and then Buzzcut made out with him.

Beavis: Yeah, that was cool. We should go to school early tomorrow, you know, in case someone else dies.

Butt-head: Dumbass, [the two begin walking off into the sunset] we're rich; we don't have to go to school ever again.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's pretty damn cool.

Butt-head: Uh huh huh, yeah.

Beavis and Butt-head: [simultaneously, laughing for the last time] Heh heh heh mh heh heh heh... Uh huh huh huh huh huh huh...

[The screen fades out and a title card reads THE END ]

Season 8

Werewolves of Highland

[As girls in a movie theater are struck by a Twilight love scene]

Butt-head: Well this isn't very good.

Beavis: So uh, is Bella a zombie? She's just standing there with her mouth open and she acts like she's dead...

Girl: Shhh! Quiet!

Beavis: Ehh, sorry, sorry.

Movie Vampire: I will fight for you until your heart stops beating. And then I will still love you. And then I will keep loving you, until the end of time...

[more reactions from the girls in the theater]

Butt-head: How come everyone whispers in these movies?

Beavis: They're probably embarrassed. What do you think?

Girls: Shhh! Shut up!

'Beavis: Oh sorry. Sorry.

Crying

[after Beavis has sniffed an onion]

Butt-head: Whoa! You're crying!

Beavis: What, no I'm not!

Butt-head: You're crying like a girl!

Beavis: No way! I am not! Dammit!

Butt-head: You're moved.

Beavis: I am not moved! Shut up! I don't know what it is.

Butt-head: This is amazing!

Specials

Bungholio - Lord of the Harvest

Beavis Hey Butt-Head...These sheets smell funny

Butt-Head uh-huh-huh-huh, These are my special monkey-sheets

---

Tom Anderson: Now what in the hell are you two boys supposed to be?

Beavis: I'm a nad.

Butt-head: I'm a dumbass. Warch This. Uh huh huh huh. Uh huh huh. Uhuhuhuhuhuh.

[telephone rings]

Tom Anderson: Now hold on just a second. [picks up phone] Well John Thomas! How long's it been? You still got Dick's number?

[Beavis and Butt-head snicker]

---

Beavis and Butt-head Do Christmas

Beavis: Yeah well it's like, we'd all like to go home. Hell, I'd like to go home and spank my monkey! In fact, heh heh, that's a pretty good idea. So you two have to stay here and work late. Heh heh, and, um, Butt-head is in charge, because he's got..."sen-ror-ity" or something. Heh heh.

Butt-head: Uh, cool! Huh huh huh, clean the grill, McVicker!

---

McVicker: Uhhhh, merry Christmas, everybody. Sorry I'm late, but Beavis wouldn't let me off. So I had to sneak out during my break. Uhhhh, look. Here's Christmas dinner. [he takes a cheeseburger and fries out of the "Merry Meal" box] A cheeseburger, fries, and look. Your Christmas present. [he takes the present out of the box, which are stick on tattoos with a picture of a purple panda] Stick on tattoos. Ohhh. Now share it with your brothers and sisters.

McVicker's Son #2: Wow! Thanks, Dad. This is great!

[McVicker's children are excited to see the present.]

---

Butt-head: Hey Beavis, let's get out of here...

Stewart: Hey, no cutters buddy.

Butt-head: Shut up, Stewart! Come on, Beavis, let's go.

Beavis: Uuuuummm, have we met before, sir?

Butt-head: It's me, you bunghole!

Beavis: Uuuummm, what's a bunghole?

Butt-head: You're a bunghole, bunghole!

Stewart: Hey, Cro magnon, you can't use a word to define one self.

Beavis: Yeah, Cro magnon.

Butt-head: I can too, bunghole. Come on Beavis, let's go...

Beavis: Hey, let go, pervert! We still have to give out Gingerbread Men.

Butt-head: Cut the crap, Beavis; you still owe me a dollar!

Beavis: Help! Help! Who are you!?!

Beavis and Butt-head Do Thanksgiving

Kurt Loder: This just in, our guest reporters Beavis and Butt-head are on the scene. What's happening down there guys? [dissolve to Beavis and Butt-head stuck behind a crowd]

Butt-head: Uhh, this sucks, Loder, we can't see anything.

Beavis: Wait a minute, you know, that's not true, Butt-head, we can see a lot of butts.

Butt-head: Uhh, oh yeah.

Kurt Loder: Hey, hey, don't just stand there, guys, interview somebody, will you?

Butt-head: Uhh, we could interview their butts. [laughs]

Beavis: Yeah! It'd be like, "Hello butt, what do you think of the parade so far?" and they'd be like [imitates fart noises] "Well, BBBBBRRRRRFFFFFTTTTTT!!!!"

Butt-head: Uhh, shut up, Beavis. That isn't even funny. Uhh, besides, I wanna see, like, naked butts.

Beavis: Yeah yeah, really. You know Loder, the butts were a lot better at that porno place, and it was a lot warmer too.

Butt-head: Yeah, really. Hey Loder, here's a news report for you. I'm freezing my nutsack off.

---

Butt-head: Uhh, hey, we're back.

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, check it out, there's a marching band out here.

Butt-head: Really? They suck.

Beavis: Yeah, but, you know, it could be kinda cool to be in a marching band. You know, those guys just poop right on the street.

Butt-head: What are you talking about, Beavis?

Beavis: No, no, I'm serious. I'm serious, one time, when I was a kid I saw this parade, and after the marching band went by, there were these big huge turds everywhere. And it was like, there was grass sticking out of them and stuff. It was cool.

Butt-head: Beavis, you dumbass, those turds didn't come from the band, they came from the horses.

Beavis: But, um...oh! That would explain the grass. But, um, that's really too bad, you know, cause I was thinking it would be cool to join the school band, and you know, you'd just be marching along, playing your instrument, you know, and be like, [sings] "Dun-da-da-dun-da-da-da-da-da-plop!"

Butt-head: Beavis...

Beavis: Yeah, and then, whenever I'd be taking a poop at school, somebody would be like "What are you doing in there?", and I'd be like, "I'm trying out for the band!", plop.

Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, if this wasn't Thanksgiving, I'd be slapping the crap out of you, now shut up. [to camera] Hey Loder, this music sucks, why don't you make yourself useful and play a video?

---