- Harvey: I'm so excited. That was my very first felony. I've commited a lot of misdemeanors but I do believe that was my very first felony!
- Harvey: I really don't like it when you tease the dogs.
- Vernon: What are you, some kind of animal lover?
- George: No matter how many showers I take, I still smell Beethoven all over me.
- Dr. Varnick: Here for his shots?
- George: Yes.
- Dr. Varnick: Well, he'll be a little groggy this evening.
- George: That'll be nice.
- Ted: Do you have any kids?
- Brie: We have a career.
- Alice: George, come on. Beethoven isn't even remotely dangerous. He'd never hurt the kids. He might take a bite out of you, though.
- George: First snarl, first, any kind of weirdness and he's gone.
- Alice: Weirdness? What should I watch for, hon? Wearing my clothes around the house?
- George: We're goldfish people, we're antfarm people. We're not dog people.
- Alice: I don't think words for parts of the body make very good names.
- Emily: He's got one of those, I looked.
- Alice: I'm sure he does. But I don't think Daddy would want to stand on the porch at night yelling that out.
- Emily: But that's what you call Uncle Richard.
- George: This is ridiculous! It's a dog. He doesn't have preferences! You could call him Ding-Dong Head and he wouldn't know the difference.
- Brad: We want to get in bed with Newton Auto Air Freshners!
- Devonia: If you ask me, what these children need is a little discipline.
- Alice: What these children need is their mother. You're fired.
- Charles Grodin as George Newton
- Bonnie Hunt as Alice Newton
- Nicholle Tom as Ryce Newton
- Christopher Castile as Ted Newton
- Sarah Rose Karr as Emily Newton
- Dean Jones as Dr. Herman Varnick