Beetlejuice (TV show)
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- It's Showtime!
- Hmm, something's rotten in the Neither World (smells himself) besides me.
- (Disguised as a witch) Fello babes! I just flew in for the ball and boy is my broom tired! But seriously I'm gonna liven up this party if it kills me, again!
- (After going through a car wash) Lyds, I'm... clean! AAAAHHHH!
- I can't believe it! He [Doomie] didn't cheat! Oh, where did I go right?!
- It's Good Neighbour Day and the law says everyone has to be... NICE!!
- Now I can go back to being as gross and disgusting as I like!
- If anyone thanks me again, I'll SCREAM!
- (asking the audience to give him their money) Come on, it's for a good cause: ME!
- What a stupid day I have.
- So long, suckers!
- Whoa! So that's why cowboys have bow legs.
- Hmm... uh, listen, Lyds. I gotta go. I, uh, have to feed my fish... to my piranha! Ha! Squeeze ya later.
- So, c'mon, kid. Get on the ball.
- Look, I've got a problem, maybe you could help me out. I've got these friends I said I'd meet and it's the kind'a thing where I gotta be there in person…
- Yo, Shakey. Whatta ya think'a these?!
- Check this out... a mid-summer night scream.
- Ooo, that Clare. She really gets my dandruf up.
- She's gotta be outta my mind by now.
- Oh, what's so important about keepin' a - uh - what'd you call it again?
- Ok, ok, ok, I promise. (Crosses his fingers) No more pranks.
- Hey, they can't keep us apart.
- Hey, now, wait a minute! This skunk really bugs me.
- Ah, ah, ah, don't forget what your Mom said.
- Rule number one for pullin' pranks without gettin' caught is... be invisible!
- What? How come you always think I have somethin' up my sleeve?
- Ooo, the magic B-word. Say it again. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon... I dare ya!
- Well, looks like ol' Spooky won't have to worry 'bout that pollution stuff gettin' to 'im. He's gonna be grocery bags!
- Hey! What am I, garbage?!
- Now all I need are some cute little suckers to sell my cookies to some big dumb suckers!
- When I get my hands on that cricket, IT'S SNACK TIME!!
- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! (when asked if he ever changes his underwear)
- HEY, BRAINLESS! OVER HERE! (to his body while his head is separate from it)
- We're gonna take our cause to the people! And not just for the people. We'll take it to the downtrodden! The vegetable! The mineral! The disgustin'! The failed science experiments! Four-legged creepies! The birds! The bees! The trees! The knees!
- Not yet?! We're already halfway through this story, and you still haven't introduced the bad guy!! (when playing Captain Ahab in Moby Dick)
- I know! Couldn't they find a better picture [for my wanted poster]? I'm smiling!
- (to Lydia) Babes, his music stinks worse than I do! (smells himself) Well, not quite.
Lydia Deetz 
- Though I know I should be wary
- Still I venture someplace scary
- Ghostly haunting I turn loose.
- Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, BEETLEJUICE!!!!!!!
- Deadly Vu!
- Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! BEEEETLEJUUUUUUICE!!!!
- Do I have to join the Neitherworld club?
- Hey, that's not a good idea, BJ.
- They're wrecking the whole house! Duck!
- Very educational - I learned about the Greenhouse Effect.
- They say 'practice makes pukey'!
- Beetlejuice! I've never seen you look this bad!
- Come on, you guys. There's no monster in this tree. That's just a story the kids in school made up. This is a great tree. I love this tree.
- Beetlejuice, Father was half-asleep -- thank goodness.
- That isn't funny! That tree is alive... and those men are going to kill it!
- Sorry, B.J., I can't fix Doomie right now, I've got to do my homework.
- Beetlejuice, you shouldn't annoy poor Little Miss Warden!
- This is the one... my best ever!
- The one I enter has to be the best photograph I've ever done.
- You're telling me. Just hurry up and fix it, please. This photo show means a lot to me.
- Miss Shannon, can I be excused?
- Beetlejuice. Have you seen a doctor about this problem of yours?
- Romeo, don't step on my spiders!
- Two dollars an hour... see ya.
- I'm really babysitting now... AND IT'S NOT WORTH TWO DOLLARS AN HOUR!!
Delia "Mama" Deetz 
- Don't be ridiculous, Charles!
- Rubbish! Don't be such a stupid baby, just eat your soup and then you will be excused.
- Why Charles! Whatever is the matter?
- Really, Charles. I suggest you phone a proper repair man.
- That's Beetleman, Dear. I'm taking your father for a nice, relaxing walk. Now, don't you bother Mr. Beetleman.
- Well, pay the man, Charles.
- You like it!
Charles "Chuck" Deetz 
- What is that thing?
- Lydia, dinner!
- Lydia, go to your room, right now!
- Sweety, I'm home.
- Being nervous makes me nervous!
Mr. Monitor 
- Monitor Head 2: What do you mean commercials can't be released on the video unless you are the one with the people's voices!
- Monitor Head 1: I'm not a fat looser like you!
- Monitor Head 4: It's all about ratings.
- All Monitor Heads: Get a move on!
Bartholomew Batt 
- Yuk! That's Disgustin'!
- Did I win or did I lose?
- Nyah - ha - ha - haa!
- Oh No you don't! You will not turn me into warewolf!
- That blonde haired ghoul is gonna cut off my head.
Little Miss Warden 
- That wasn't very cute!
- Wanna buy some cookies!
- Beep! Beep! Beep!
Jacques LaLean 
- Hello Mon Ami, ya lookin' for a nice preeetty girl?
- Ooh La La! Look at that preeeeeetty looking ladeeeee!
- Sacre Bleu!
- Alouette jogging Alouette...
- Are you Beeeeetlejuice?
- It is 'azar-dous to your 'ealth.
Scuzzo the Clown 
- Hey, kids! Are we gonna have some fun?
- Okay, boys and girls, are we ready for some jokes?
- Hey Beetlejuice! Your burgers are so bad, they oughta be spanked!
- What is your favourite color? Tell me!
- Huh! Is my name Lipscum spelled backwards Mucspil?
- What is your name? Answer me!
- Hey. Beetlejuice spelled backwards is Eciujelteeb!
- Can I huh? Can I Can I Can I?
Captain Kidder 
- Ba dum-bum!
- Arrrr! Look who what we've got, Ed.
- Cross the river bridge, mate.
- What do you mean the library's closed?
- That's not funny, Claire.
- Uh, does this mean we'll be closing the play?
- But, Lydia, I think you should try out for the part of Juliette.
- Miss Shannon! I don't feel so good.
- Relax, Bertha. You know why Miss Shannon wants you to do homework.
Claire Brewster 
- Looks like the best girl won, honey.
- I am going to get that Lydia Deetz.
- Uh, like, it's about time! You are ten second late. Now, get lost!
- Shut up! I am not a sore loser.
- Well, you can find yourself another Julia.
- Like, aren't I just the most?
Miss Shannon 
- All right, girls, our very first science fair today. Guess who's forgotten.
- Can I help you, Prudence?
- Now off to your classes, ladies.
- I want you to keep staging it the rest of the week, just as you did it last night.
- Okay, girls, we're going to have show and tell.
- How improper.
- Bertha, I am not satisfied with you. You did not share with any of your friends.
Judge Mental 
- Beetleguts! You're fired!
- Would you please stand on that X over there?
- Oh, all right. You're free to go… as far away as possible!
- What are you, some kind of sicko? We can get rid of this disgusting creep forever.
- If you do not follow those rules, I will let you get away from the Neitherworld forever!
- Miss Shannon! Somebody is bothering me!
- What's so funny?!?
- Stop laughing! That's ridiculous!
- Miss Shannon! Can I wash my hands please?
- Put a sock in it, you idiot!
- Is there anything new other than comicbooks?
- Someone used this ruler to throw your beehive on stage.
Funny scenes 
From "Pest O' the West"
Lydia: (after arriving to Tombstone, Scarazona) I Love this town! Does it have a saloon?
Beetlejuice:(in Western Clothes) Not in this time slot, babes!
Bully the Crud: (after Beetlejuice stops his "wedding" to Lydia) Nobody cuts off MY nuptuals and gets away with it!!!
Bertha: Hey, where's Betty?
Lydia: She had to leave. Her mother was calling her.
Bertha: Calling her what? (Bertha and Prudence snicker.)
[When Lydia wishes she had a car]
Lydia: In the Neitherworld I could drive myself crazy.
Beetlejuice: In the Neitherworld you can drive us both crazy... of course for me it's a much shorter trip!
[When Lydia has to go on vacation with her parents]
Lydia: (hugs him) Oh, Beetlejuice! If we can't be together this summer, I'll scream!
Beetlejuice: Scream anyway, babes. I like having that effect on people!
[When Beetlejuice pranked Lydia's parents after he promised he wouldn't anymore]
Lydia: Beetlejuice, I want you to say you're sorry.
Beetlejuice: You're sorry.
Lydia: Beetlejuice! Just say it!
Beetlejuice: (to the audience) Rules, there ought to be a law against 'em.
Goody Two Shoes: And another thing, Mr. Beetlejuice... NO TALKING TO CAMERA!
[When Goody Two Shoes has made the Neitherworld a sickly sweet place.]
Lydia: It's like we're trapped in some... nightmare!!
(She, Beetlejuice, Jacques and Ginger scream in horror)
Beetlejuice: WAIT A MINUTE! I forget, what're we screaming for again?
(Everyone looks down at their horrible cutesy clothes.)
Beetlejuice: Oh... yeah. YAAARRGGGHHHH!
Lydia: (laughing) Oh, Beetlejuice. You always know how to crack me up!
Beetlejuice: Yeah, I always bring down the house.
[When Beetlejuice and Lydia diguise themselves as witches]
Lydia: How do I look?
Beetlejuice: Fabulously freaky, I must say! And how about moi?
Lydia: (laughing) Gorgeously gastly!
[When Lydia is forced to join the Happy Face Girls]
Lydia: (miserably) Tell me the truth, Beetlejuice. How do I look?
Beetlejuice: You look pretty as a picture, neat as a pin, cute as a button, soooo there! (Bursts out laughing.)
Lydia: (annoyed) That's right, go ahead and laugh.
Beetlejuice: Ok. (Falls to the floor in a laughing fit.)
Lydia: Locked deep in Goody's self conscious is this need to correct, to adjust, to regulate.
Beetlejuice: Er, babes, you're psychoanalysing the antagonist again.