The Big Bang Theory

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The Big Bang Theory (2007 -) is an American television show, airing on CBS, about two geniuses and their beautiful neighbor. Created by the creators of Two and a Half Men and Dharma & Greg.

Contents

[edit] Theme Song

  • Our whole universe was in a hot dense state,
    And then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started. Wait...
    The Earth began to cool,
    The autotrophs began to drool,
    Neanderthals developed tools,
    We built a wall (we built the pyramids),
    Math, science, history, unraveling the mystery,
    That all started with The Big Bang. Bang!!!

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Pilot [1.01]

Sheldon: [about donating sperm] What if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve?
Leonard: I'm sure she'll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn't.
Leonard: [about Penny] Our babies will be smart and beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.
Penny: So, what do you do for fun around here?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.
Leonard: We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on MySpace.
Leonard: Yes, and you've never met one of them.
Sheldon: That's the beauty of it.
Penny: Yes, I know men can't fly...
Sheldon: No, no lets assume that they can... Lois Lane is falling accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second... Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel... Miss Lane who is now traveling at approximately 120 miles an hour hits them and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.
Leonard: Unless Superman matches her speed and decelerates.
Sheldon: In what space sir in what space? She's 2 feet above the ground. Frankly if he really loved her he'd let her hit the pavement it'd be a more merciful death.

[edit] The Big Bran Hypothesis [1.02]

Sheldon: Ah, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.
[Discussing a large box of furniture which they have to take to the fourth floor, with the lift out of order]
Leonard: Well we'll just have to take it up ourselves.
Sheldon: I hardly think so.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: Well we don't have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.
Leonard: We don't need strength, we're physicists. We are the intellectual descendants of Archimedes.
[The package starts falling on him]
Leonard: It's falling! Its falling!
[Sheldon lifts the package off him]
Sheldon: Archimedes would be so proud.
Sheldon: You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?
Leonard: Men do things for woman without expecting sex.
Sheldon: Those would be men who just had sex.
Leonard: If you don't have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?
Penny: A marathon? Wow, how many Superman movies are there?
Sheldon: You're kidding, right?
[Everyone trying to assemble Penny's new wardrobe, reading the instruction paper]
Wolowitz: Oh, boy! I was afraid of that!
Leonard: What?
Wolowitz: These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components. This, right here, is why Sweden has no space program!

[edit] The Fuzzy Boots Corollary [1.03]

Sheldon: There is no more Sheldon! I am the Sword Master!
Sheldon: Oh, I've seen that look before. This is just going to be two weeks of moping and tedious emo songs and calling me to come down to pet stores to look at cats. I don't know if I can take it.
Leonard: I'm torn between Einstein, Newton, and Sergeant Fuzzy Boots.
Sheldon: Okay, look, I think you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble telescope does of discovering that at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did not reject you. You did not ask her out.
Leonard : You're right. I didn't ask her out; I should ask her out.
Sheldon: No, no, now, that was not my point. My point was 'don't buy a cat'.
Leonard : I'm a perfectly nice guy! There's no reason we couldn't go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe we could go for a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common: You love pottery? I love pottery! There's a pause-we both know what's happening-I lean in and we kiss; it's a little tentative at first, but then I realize she's kissing me back and she's biting my lower lip, you know? She wants me! This thing is going the distance, we're going to have sex! Oh, God, oh my God!
Sheldon: [sarcastically] Is the sex starting now?

[edit] The Luminous Fish Effect [1.04]

Sheldon: How's this? "Pleased to meet you, Dr. Gablehauser. How fortunate for you that the university has chosen to hire you despite the fact that you've done no original research in 25 years, and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce the great concept of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement." Mahalo.
Leonard: "Mahalo"'s a nice touch.
Sheldon: D'you know there are only eight consonants in the Hawaiian language?
Leonard: Interesting, you should lead with that.
Dr. Gablehauser: Hello I'm Dr. Eric Gablehauser, and let me guess, you are Howard, Raj, Leonard.
Leonard: Nice to meet you.
Dr. Gablehauser: And you are...
Sheldon: A real scientist.
Sheldon: I can't believe he fired me.
Leonard: Well, you did call him a glorified high school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.
Sheldon: In my defense, I prefaced that with, "with all due respect".
Sheldon: I've spent the past three-and-a-half years staring at greaseboards full of equations; before that, I spent four years working on my thesis; before that, I was in college; and before that, I was in the fifth grade.
Sheldon: Maybe tomorrow, we can go to one of those big warehouse stores.
Penny: I don't know, Sheldon, it's gonna take me a while to recover from all the fun I had today.
Sheldon: Are you sure? There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk. For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one month's supply at a time.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Well, think about it--it's a product that doesn't spoil, and you're going to be needing them for at least the next 30 years.
Penny: You want me to buy 30 years' worth of tampons?
Sheldon: Well, 30, 35...when did your mother go into menopause?
Penny: Okay, I'm not talking about this with you.
Sheldon: Penny, this is a natural human process, and we're talking about statistically significant savings. Now, if you assume 15 tampons per cycle in a 28-day cycle--are you fairly regular? [Penny shuts door of her apartment] Okay, no warehouse store, but we're still on for putt-putt golf, right?

[edit] The Hamburger Postulate [1.05]

Sheldon: We don't eat here, I don't know what's good...
Penny: Well, it's all good.
Sheldon: Statistically unlikely.
Leonard: Just get a hamburger, you like hamburgers.
Sheldon: I like the hamburgers where we usually have hamburgers, you can't make the assumption that I'll like the hamburgers here.
Leonard: I'm sorry... [To Penny] Give him a hamburger.
Penny: Which burger, the classic burger, the ranch house burger, the barbecue burger or the Kobe burger?
Sheldon: Can't we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger--the Big Boy.
Penny: The barbecue burger's like a Big Boy.
Sheldon: Excuse me. In a world that already includes a Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?
Penny: Because you are not at Big Boy!
Sheldon: Fine, I'll have the barbecue burger.
Leonard: Make it two.
[Penny leaves]
Sheldon: Waitresses don't yell at you at Big Boy.
Penny: Leonard, I didn't know you played the cello.
Leonard: Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough.
Leonard: What did Penny mean, "you'd make a cute couple"?
Sheldon: Well, I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, though somewhat less likely, interpretation is that you can manufacture one. Then it's, "Oh, look, Leonard and Leslie made Mr. and Mrs. Goldfarb! Aren't they adorable?"
Leonard: Penny didn't know that Leslie had already turned me down, then that would unambiguously mean that she--Penny-- thought I should ask her--Leslie--out, indicating that she'd--Penny--had no interest in me asking her--Penny--out; but because she did know that I had asked her--Leslie--out, and that she--Leslie--had turned me down, then she--Penny--could be offering me consolation--"that's too bad, you would have made a cute couple"--thinking, "good, Leonard remains available."
Sheldon: You're a lucky man, Leonard.
Leonard: How so?
Sheldon: You're talking to one of the three men in the Western Hemisphere capable of following that train of thought.
Leonard: Well, what do you think?
Sheldon: I said I could follow it, I didn't say I care.
Sheldon: I need your help in a matter of semiotics.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Semiotics: the study of signs and symbols as a branch of the philosophy related to linguistics.
Penny: Ok, honey I know you think you are explaining yourself, but you're not.
Sheldon: Just come with me.
[a tie is hanging on the door knob of Leonard's room and loud music can be heard]
Sheldon: Well?
Penny: Well what?
Sheldon: What does it mean?
Penny: Oh come on Sheldon you went to college, you know what it means.
Sheldon: Yeah but I was eleven.
Leslie: Listen, neither of us are neuroscientists, but we both understand the biochemistry of sex. I mean, dopamine in our brains is released across synapses, causing pleasure. You stick electrodes in a rat's brain, give him an orgasm button, he'll push that thing until he starves to death.
Leonard: Well, who wouldn't?
Leslie: Well, the only difference between us and the rat is that you can't stick an electrode in our w:hypothalamus. That's where you come in.

[edit] The Middle-Earth Paradigm [1.06]

Leonard: [Kurt has just seen Penny kiss Leonard, who is dressed as a Hobbit] Yeah, that's right, you saw what you saw. That's how we roll in the Shire. [He quickly shuts his door and locks it]
[Kurt looking at Sheldon who is dressed as the Doppler Effect]
Kurt: So what are you a zebra?
Sheldon: [to Leonard] Here's another child left behind.
Leonard: [To Sheldon] I bet he (Kurt) couldn't even spell confrontation. [Kurt suddenly lifts Leonard into the air]
Kurt: C-O-N...frontation.
Leonard: [To Kurt] Homo habilis discovering his opposable thumbs says what?
Kurt: [Confused] What?

[edit] The Dumpling Paradox [1.07]

Leonard: What's wrong?
Penny: Well, Howard and Christy are...kind of hooking up in my bedroom.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Look, I grew up on a farm. From what I heard, they're either having sex, or Howard's caught in a milking machine.
Sheldon: Yeah, I apologize for my earlier outburst. Who needs Halo when we can be regaled with the delightfully folksy tale of the Whore of Omaha?
Leonard: I'm sorry, are you suggesting that if we let Penny stay we might succumb to cannibalism?
Sheldon: No one ever thinks it'll happen until it does.
Leonard: Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: He's engaging in reductio ad absurdum. It's the logical fallacy of extending someone's argument to ridiculous proportions then criticizing the result. And I do not appreciate it.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter-cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America, and watched Doctor Who.
Leonard: Penny's still sleeping.
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment...
Leonard: You have a TV in your room, why don't you just have breakfast in bed?
Sheldon: Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother's Day.
Leonard: Sheldon, think this through, you're going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo.
Sheldon: No, I'm going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know, sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapons systems.
Leonard: You're right--all sex has is nudity, orgasms, and human contact.
Sheldon: My point.

[edit] The Grasshopper Experiment [1.08]

Leonard: Do you really need your Honorary Membership of the Justice League card?
Sheldon: I had it in every wallet I owned since I was five.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: It says here, "Keep it on your person at all times." See, right here under Batman's signature.
Leonard: We'd love to help you, but Raj is going to some trouble, and besides, he doesn't drink.
[Raj whispers in Leonard's ear]
Leonard: Sorry. Raj is going through some trouble, and he would like to take up drinking.
Penny: And what will you have, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I'll have a Diet Coke.
Penny: See, you have to order a cocktail.
Sheldon: Fine. I'll have a virgin Cuba Libre.
Penny: But that's rum and Coke without the rum.
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: So it's just Coke.
Sheldon: Yes. And could you make it a Diet?
Penny: There's a can on the fridge.
Sheldon: A Cuba Libre is traditionally served on a tall glass with a lime wedge.
Penny: Then why don't you swim to Cuba?
Sheldon: Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.
[Sheldon is singing "L'Chaim" at Penny's bar]
Leonard: What got into him?
Penny: Oh, a couple of virgin Cuba Libres who turned out to be a little slutty.
Leonard: You didn't.
Penny: You do your little experiments, I do mine.

[edit] The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization [1.09]

Leonard: You are not Isaac Newton.
Sheldon: No, no, that's true. Gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.
Leonard: Sheldon, we have to do this.
Sheldon: No, we don't. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is optional.
Penny: So, you and Leonard.
Sheldon: Oh, dear God.
Penny: Little misunderstanding, huh?
Sheldon: A "little misunderstand—?" Galileo and the Pope had a "little misunderstanding".
Penny: So, you know, isn't there maybe some way you and Sheldon could compromise on this whole presentation thing?
Leonard: No. Scientists do not compromise. Our minds are trained to synthesize facts and come to inarguable conclusions. Not to mention Sheldon is bat-crap crazy.
Leonard: Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash?
Sheldon: Well, there's always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam's Razor would suggest that someone threw it out.

[edit] The Loobenfeld Decay [1.10]

Leonard: See, delinquent-metal Terminators were created in the future by Skynet, and Skynet was developed by Miles Dyson, but that future no longer exists due to Dyson's death in Terminator 2.
Sheldon: Okay, then riddle me this: Assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artifical computer intelligence, bother to create a petite, hot, 17-year-old killer robot?
Leonard: Skynet is kinky?
Sheldon: Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes.
Leonard: All right, they use it to...
Sheldon: Too late, I win.
[hearing Penny sing]
Leonard: What the hell is that?
Sheldon: I don't know, but if cats could sing... they'd hate it too.
Sheldon: I'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.
Leonard: What was I supposed to say?
Sheldon: You could have told her the truth.
Leonard: That would have hurt her feelings.
Sheldon: Is that a relevant factor?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
Leonard: And what would I have said afterwards?
Sheldon: I would suggest something to the effect of: singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree I'd recommend you have a CAT scan to look for a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain.
Leonard: I couldn't say that. I would have to say, "you were terrific and I can't wait to hear you sing again."
Sheldon: Why?
Leonard: That's the social protocol. It's what you do when you have a friend who's proud of something they really suck at.
Sheldon: I was not aware of that.
Leonard: Now you are.
Sheldon: Oh. All right. Leonard?
Leonard: Yes?
Sheldon: When we played chess earlier, you were terrific, and I can't wait to play you again.
Sheldon: I was analyzing our lie, and I believe we're in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.
Leonard: How?
Sheldon: Simple: If she were to log onto www.socalphysixgroup.org/activities/other, click onto "Upcoming Events", scroll down to "Seminars", download the PDF schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bippity-boppity-boo—our pants are metaphorically on fire.
Penny: Do you have any idea what time it is?
Sheldon: Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It's accurate to one-tenth of a second. But as I'm saying this, it occurs to me that, once again, your question may have been rhetorical.

[edit] The Pancake Batter Anomaly [1.11]

Sheldon: Checkmate.
Leonard: Argh, again?
Sheldon: Obviously you're not well-suited for three-dimensional chess. Perhaps three-dimensional Candyland would be your speed.
Sheldon: If influenza was only contagious after symptoms appear, it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, Homo habilis would have figured out to kill the guy with the runny nose.
Penny: Why didn't you just have soup at home?
Sheldon: Penny, I have an IQ of 187. Don't you imagine if there were a way for me to have soup at home, I would have thought of it?
Penny: You can have soup delivered.
Sheldon: I did not think of that.
Sheldon: [on studying in Germany] The local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I'm used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg, with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia.
Sheldon: Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn't speak any English. When I finaly managed to convince her I was sick, she said, "Möchtest du eine Darmspülung?"
Penny: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Based on what happened next, I assume it means, "Would you like an enema?"

[edit] The Jerusalem Duality [1.12]

Sheldon: Here's the problem with teleportation.
Leonard: Lay it on me.
Sheldon: Assuming a device could be invented, which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly. You would not have actually transported the individual, you would have destroyed him in one location and recreated him in another.
Leonard: [unenthusiastic] How about that.
Sheldon: Personally, I would never use a transporter because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.
Leonard: Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon?
Sheldon: No, he would be exactly the same.
Leonard: That is a problem.
Leonard: You always knew that someday someone would come along who was younger and smarter.
Sheldon: Yes, but I assumed I would have been dead hundreds of years and that there'd be an asterisk next to his name because he'd be a cyborg.
Sheldon: 15 years old—Dennis Kim is 15 years old, and he's already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to—you know—that other guy.
Howard: Antonio Salieri.
Sheldon: Oh, God, now even you're smarter than me.
Sheldon: Engineering—where the semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello Oompa-Loompas of science.
Sheldon: Ladies and gentlemen—honored daughters—while Mr. Kim, by virtue of his youth and naivety, has fallen prey to the inexplicable need for human contact, let me step in and assure you that my research will go on uninterrupted and that social relationships will continue to baffle and repulse me. Thank you.

[edit] The Bat Jar Conjecture [1.13]

Wolowitz: Oh, more details about the new Star Trek film. There's going to be a scene depicting Spock's birth.
Koothrappali: I'd be more interested in a scene depicting Spock's conception.
Sheldon: Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating—or if you will, pon farr—it's an extremely private matter.
Leonard: Still, I'd like to know the details. His mother was human; his father was Vulcan. They couldn't just conceive.
Wolowitz: Maybe they had to go to a clinic. Can you imagine Spock's dad in a little room with a copy of Pointy Ears and Shapely Rears?
Sheldon: Count me out.
Leonard: What? ...why?
Sheldon: You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition. Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?
Sheldon: Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating one's opponent.
Koothrappali: Then we could be the Bengal Tigers.
Sheldon: Poor choice—gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant.
Koothrappali: Maybe so, but you can't incinerate a Bengal tiger with a magnifying glass.
Penny: What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einstein's predicted frame-dragging?
[Koothrappali buzzes in]
Sheldon: And, of course, it's Gravity Probe B.
Leonard: Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Because it's polite.
Sheldon: What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?
Penny: Leonard, you said I only had to ask questions.
Leslie: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: [looks terrified] Leslie Winkle!
Leslie: Yeah, Leslie Winkle! The answer to the question, "Who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?".
Sheldon: Yes! Well, I'm polarized tree sap and you're inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction it's reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory and adheres to you.

[edit] The Nerdvana Annihilation [1.14]

Leonard: [about the time machine] The lights flash, and the dish spins. You wanna try it?
Penny: No, I don't wanna try it! My God, you are grown men! How could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes, and comic books, and-and... now that-that...
Sheldon: Again—time machine.
Penny: Oh, please, that's not a time machine. If anything, it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.
Sheldon: I propose we add "pants must be worn at all times in the time machine".
Leonard: Seconded.
Howard: I was gonna put down a towel.
Sheldon: You hypocrite!
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Little Miss "Grown-ups don't play with toys", if I went into that apartment right now, would I not find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts? Hello, Hello Kitty!
Sheldon: Are you upset about something?
Leonard: What was your first clue?
Sheldon: Well, it was a number of things: first, the late hour; then your demeanor seems very low energy; plus your irritability...
Leonard: Yes, I'm upset!
Sheldon: Huh, I don't usually pick up on those things. Good for me.
Leonard: Yeah, good for you.
Sheldon: Oh, wait, did you want to talk about it?
Leonard: I don't know, maybe.
Sheldon: Wow, I'm on fire tonight.
Penny: [to Leonard] Look, you are a great guy, and it is the things you love that make you who you are.
Howard: I guess that makes me large breasts.

[edit] The Pork Chop Indeterminacy [1.15]

Leonard: Maybe she's his lawyer.
Howard: She's free to examine my briefs.
Leonard: Howard.
Howard: I know, I'm disgusting. I should be punished... by her.
Leonard: So, how do you two know each other?
Missy: He once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head.
Leonard: Excuse me?
Sheldon: She's my twin sister. She thinks she's funny, but frankly, I've never been able to see it.
Missy: That's because you have no measurable sense of humor, Shelly.
Sheldon: How exactly would one measure a sense of humor? A 'humormometer'?
Raj: Missy, do you enjoy pajamas?
Missy: I guess.
Raj: We Indians invented them. You're welcome.
Howard: Yeah, well, my people invented circumcision. You're welcome.
Missy: Shelly, can I speak to you a minute—alone?
Sheldon: Why does everyone suddenly want to talk to me alone? Usually no one wants to be alone with me.
Howard: (imitating Raj) I'm a fancy Indian man. We invented pajamas.
Raj: (imitating Howard) Hey, look at me, I don't have a foreskin!


[edit] The Peanut Reaction [1.16]

Leonard: How did you know my birthday's Saturday?
Penny: I did your horoscope, remember? I was going to do everybody's until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.
Sheldon: For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who, in 1948, proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments that astrology is nothing but pseudoscientific hokum.
Penny: Blah, blah, a typical Taurus.
Leonard: My parents focused on celebrating achievements, and my being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
Penny: That's so silly.
Sheldon: It's actually based on very sound theories; his mother published a paper on it.
Penny: What was it called, I Hate My Son and That's Why He Can't Have Cake?
Sheldon: It was obviously very effective. Leonard grew up to become a theoretical physicist. Perhaps if she also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: You either help me throw Leonard a birthday party, or, so help me God, I'll go into your room and unbag all of your most valuable mint condition comic books, and on one of them, you won't know which, I'll draw a tiny happy face in ink.
Sheldon: You can't do that. If you make a mark on a mint comic book, it's no longer mint.
Penny: Sheldon, do you understand the concept of blackmail?
Sheldon: Well, of course I— oh. I have an idea, let's throw Leonard a kick-ass birthday party.
Penny: Well, Sheldon you are his friend. Friends give each other presents.
Sheldon: I accept your premise; I reject your conclusion.
Wolowitz: [quietly to Penny] Try telling him it's a non-optional social convention.
Penny: What?
Wolowitz: Just do it.
Penny: It's a non-optional social convention.
Sheldon: Ahh, fair enough.
Wolowitz: He came with a manual.
Penny: [on phone] How about this: you keep him there a little longer, and when you get to the party, I'll point out which of my friends are easy.
Howard: [long pause] Don't toy with me, woman.
Penny: I've got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem, I got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around, and an alcoholic who's two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.
Howard: Thy will be done. [Hangs up, takes out granola bar, to which he is allergic, and looks to his crotch] I'm doing this for you, little buddy.

[edit] External links

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