Bones (TV series)

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Bones (2005–) is a crime drama television series on the FOX Network, inspired by real-life forensic anthropologist and novelist, Kathy Reichs. Forensic anthropologist Dr. Temperance Brennan has an uncanny ability to read clues left behind in a victim's bones. Consequently, law enforcement calls her in to assist with murder investigations when the remains are so badly decomposed, burned, or destroyed that the standard identification methods are useless.

Contents

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Pilot [1.1]

Brennan: Tell me you tried "excuse me" first.
Angela: Ah, Sweetie. Yes, I did. Welcome home. Are you exhausted? Was Guatemala awful? Was it horribly backward?
Brennan: And yet, I was never reduced to flashing my boobs for information.
Angela: Flash `em for any fun reasons?
Angela: You know, diving head first in a pit of cadavers is no way to handle a messy breakup.
Brennan: Angela, nothing Pete and I ever did was messy.
Angela: [laughs] Then you weren't doing the right things.
Booth: Bones identifies bodies for us.
Brennan: Don't call me "Bones", and I do more than identify.
Booth: A decomposed corpse was found this morning at Arlington National Cemetery...
Brennan: Arlington National Cemetery is full of decomposed corpses. It's a cemetery.
Brennan: [to Booth] If you drive one more block, I'm screaming "kidnap" out the window.
Booth: You know, you're not the only forensic anthropologist in town.
Brennan: [laughs] Yes, I am. The next university is in Montreal. Parlez-vous français?
Booth: What's it going to take?
Brennan: Full participation in the case.
Booth: Fine.
Brennan: Not just lab work. Everything.
Booth: What? You want me to spit in my hand? We're Scully and Mulder.
Brennan: I don't know what that means.
Booth: He's got no sense of discretion, that kid. Typical squint.
Brennan: I don’t know what that means.
Booth: Cops get stuck, we bring in people like you. You know, squints. You know, squint at things.
Brennan: Oh, you mean people with very high IQ’s and basic reasoning skills?
Brennan: [looking at the screen] What exactly am I supposed to be squinting at?
Booth: It’s like pornography, you’ll know it when you see it.
Booth: When did she die?
Brennan: Ehh.
Zack: Ehh.
Booth: What does that even mean?
Zack: It means wait until our bug and slime guy takes a look.
Booth: You know, in my line of work, no clothes usually means a sex crime.
Brennan: In my line of work, it could also mean the victim favored natural fibers.
Zack: Your suit, for example, will outlast your bones by decades.
Goodman: I do not view you as property, Dr. Brennan. You are one of the Jeffersonian’s most valuable assets.
Zack: An asset is, by definition, property.
Goodman: What's the rule, Mr. Addy?
Zack: You only converse with PhDs. You do realize I'm halfway through two doctorates. Two halves make a whole, so mathematically speaking...
Goodman: Go polish a bone, Mr. Addy.
Goodman: Dr. Brennan, are you playing me?
Brennan: You know I'm no good at that.
Goodman: Hmm. Thus far. But you have a disturbingly steep learning curve.
Brennan: Split the difference, mixed race.
Angela: Lenny Kravitz or Vanessa Williams?
Brennan: I don't know what that means.
Booth: Her name is Cleo Louise Eller. The only daughter to Ted and Sharon Eller. Last seen approximately nine p.m., April 6th, 2003 leaving the cardio-deluxe gym on Kay Street. She didn’t even make it to her car.
Brennan: Pretty good memory.
Booth: Yeah, well it’s my job to find her.
Hodgins: Well in that case congratulations on your success.
Booth: A case this big, the director is going to create a special investigation unit. And if I line my ducks up in a row, I can, maybe, head it up.
Brennan: I don't know what that means, but I think maybe I can be a duck.
Booth: What are you trying to do?
Brennan: Blackmail you.
Booth: Blackmail a federal agent.
Brennan: Yes.
Booth: I don't like it.
Brennan: I'm fairly certain you're not supposed to.
Booth: Fine. You're in.
Brennan: What if Booth is right? What if I'm only good with bones and lousy with people?
Angela: People like you.
Brennan: I don't care if men like me.
Angela: Okay, interesting jump from 'people' to 'men,' but I'm sure it means nothing.
Brennan: I hate psychology. My most meaningful relationships are with dead people.
Booth: Temperance, partners share things. Builds trust.
Brennan: Since when are we partners?
Booth: I apologize for the assumption.
Oliver: He killed Cleo?
Booth: Yeah, he did.
Oliver: Then I'm down with him bleeding to death.
Booth: That guy bleeds to death, Bones will go on trial for attempted murder. You don't want that, do you?
Oliver: No.
Booth: Plus, I understand that applying pressure to a wound can be extremely painful.
Angela: Is the FBI going to lay charges against Brennan?
Hodgins: She only shot him in the leg... once.
Booth: She didn't give him a warning. She just shot him... with alcohol on her breath.
Goodman: It was her first shooting, you can't expect her to be perfect right out of the gate.
Zack: How much warning did you give people before you sniped them?

[edit] The Man in the S.U.V. [1.2]

Zack: If Smokey here had access to the president, why would he attack a café?
Brennan: "Smokey"?
Zack: It's how I deal with stress.
Hodgins: Targeting everyday places causes panic. People stay home, the economy is crippled. It's Terrorism 101, man.
Zack: Isn't that the FBI's job?
Hodgins: What, you trust the FBI? You realize those guys are gonna suppress whatever they need to cover their asses!
Zack: [to Brennan] I found a portion of the clavicle.
Hodgins: Are you even listening?
Zack: No.
Hodgins: They have a separate division you know. That way their hands are always clean. In 1970...
Brennan: Jack! We're trying to work!
Hodgins: Someone seems really defensive about the FBI lately. You realize Booth is just another government stooge?
Booth: We're dealing with someone here who devalues an entire culture; terrorizing people by using God to justify mass murder.
Brennan: You're making it personal. That doesn't help.
Booth: It is personal, Bones. All of us die a little bit on one like this.
Agent Gibson: Dr. Brennan, whatever you have there-
Brennan: It’s a piece of paper. That’s all. With some writing on it.
Angela: [to Brennan] I think [Booth] likes you. God, if I were you, I'd buy a ticket on that ride.
Angela: Too bad we can't tell why he did it. Isn't that what we all want to know?
Agent Gibson: Dr. Brennan, I have jurisdiction.
Brennan: Then why don't I destroy my notes and let you guarantee the identity of the remains.
Brennan: I was just studying a cranial fissure on a corporate attorney last week. Of course he was dead so...
Tessa: Interesting.
Brennan: Thanks.
Booth: Okay, what's so funny?
Brennan: I just never figured you being in a relationship.
Booth: Why? Do you think something's wrong with me?
Brennan: Not wrong. You just have alpha male attributes usually associated with a solitary existence.
Booth: What me? You're solitary.
Brennan: No no, I'm private.
Brennan: He thinks just because Masruk's wife started working out and had a little makeover, she's having an affair.
Angela: Hmm, and how long were they married?
Booth: Eleven years.
Angela: I'm with him.
Brennan: There's no concrete proof.
Angela: Boobs perkier?
Booth: Mmm hmm.
Brennan: I don't believe this. If you're so sure, then why didn't you confront her?
Angela: Because if she and her boyfriend were involved, she would warn him.
Booth: Very good.
Angela: I'm a constant surprise.
Angela: [to Booth] So, how many nights a week does "Sexy" sleep over?
Hodgins: I graduated top of my class, Rhodes Scholar, the youngest member inducted into the Academy of Physical Sciences, but [Brennan] still makes me feel like a cretin.
Zack: [Smugly] She apologized to me.
Angela: Apparently, they live together a few times a week. But he made it very clear that she has her own place.
Zack: Should you be intruding in their lives like this?
Angela: Oh yeah. Absolutely.
Angela: [referring to Brennan] Please, she's been sleeping alone for months! She has enough pent up sexual energy to power a small mid-western city.
Booth: Can we talk about something else?
Brennan: Sure. Tessa?
Booth: Tessa?! No. Why do you want to talk about Tessa?
Brennan: What? Why? Why not? We won't talk about Tessa.
Brennan: We'll find out who killed him, Booth. We've got Hamid's body. You can always count on the dead.
Brennan: Isn't the FBI working on that?
Hodgins: Yes. It's just for fun.
Brennan: To see who's better?
Hodgins: Maybe. A little. Yeah.
Brennan: Good luck.
Angela: There is trouble in paradise!
Brennan: I beg your pardon?
Angela: Tessa does not feel secure in that relationship. I think she's threatened by you!
Brennan: You talked to her?
Angela: Well, she didn’t say much but even though she has a phenomenal figure she was chowing down on a fat free muffin, and she was reading a book about unsolved FBI cases. Ah... She’s obviously feeling insecure.
Hodgins: She's spying for you?
Brennan: No, no!
Zack: They have nothing in common. It's difficult to sublimate intense sexual attraction. And we hear it's been a while.
Booth: Trying to track down the doctor?
Brennan: Don't need him. It's definitely a toxin, but we can't determine what kind.
Zack: Too bad the liver is cooked; that could tell us everything.
Booth: You know, I need subtitles walking in here.
Zack: [About his Dermestes maculatus beatles] You can't kill them, they have names.

[edit] The Boy in the Tree [1.3]

Zack: She said take a hint, but when I asked "what hint?" Naomi said if she told me what hint that it wouldn't be a hint anymore, it would be a statement.
Zack: I understood the individual words but I do not comprehend her meaning.
Angela: Did you tell Naomi that?
Zack: Yes. She said ask your friends if I have any.
Booth: You want to increase the perimeter here? Gentleman, give my forensic anthropologist some room.
Brennan: "Your" forensic anthropologist?
Booth: Ah, you know I'm glad we had that little chat about being nice to the locals.
Brennan: I don't like sheriffs. They are elected into office which means their goal is being re-elected, not finding the truth.
Booth: Can you identify him through the serial number?
Brennan: That's correct but the interesting thing is that...
Booth: Ah, You can fill me in later.
Brennan: No, but the interesting thing is that it's...
Booth: That is correct.
Brennan: What?
Booth: That is interesting.
Brennan: Are you drunk or something?
Booth: Ah, we'll catch up later and uh, thanks for calling.
Brennan: Wait, I'm not completely certain the boy's death was a suicide.
Booth: Ah, you know, we'll grab some Chinese food and you can fill me in later on all the boring details.
[At the lab. Brennan is looking at an x-ray in the light over the body on a table. Booth comes walking into the lab towards the platform.]
Booth: What do you mean it's not a suicide? [A post leading up the stairs to the podium starts to beep and flash red rapidly.] What the hell is that?
Brennan: We can't just let anyone step into the forensics area and contaminate all the boring details.
Booth: The boring details - [to Zack] Do not push me kid. [to Brennan] "The boring details" was my signal for you to stop talking, okay? I want my own card.
Brennan: Well, I want my own gun.
Booth: Last time you had a gun you shot someone.
Zack: He was a bad guy.
Booth: Okay look, who's our victim?
Brennan: All the boring details?
Booth: Let it go Bones, move on.
Brennan: Don't call me "Bones".
Booth: I don't... I don't like people who think they're better then other people.
Brennan: Some people are better than other people.
Booth: Uh, you know what you said right there that is so un-American. All men are created equal, either you believe that or you don't.
Brennan: Some people are smarter then others, there's no use being offended by the fact. What are we going to tell Nester's parents?
Booth: We tell them that their son was found dead. "We're looking into it. Sorry for your loss", and we are.
Brennan: What?
Booth: Sorry for their loss. It's sad. Try to remember that.
Brennan: Uh, I'm not a sociopath.
Booth: You're bad with people, okay. No use being offended by the fact.
Zack: What did Naomi mean when she said take a hint?
Hodgins: Ooh.
Zack: What did I do wrong?
Hodgins: It's not what you did wrong. It's what you didn't do.
Zack: Where do you learn this stuff?
Hodgins: There are some things you learn by doing… riding a bike, driving a car, pleasing a woman.
Zack: I can't ride a bike or drive a car.
Hodgins: Or apparently please a woman.
Zack: I need specific instructions, a list of techniques to implement or a sequence of moves.
Hodgins: I'm not really the guy to talk to about that.
Zack: Why not? You've slept with like ten thousand women.
Booth: Sure, you know someone says, you know, "it smells" in a Spanish accent and all of a sudden you're like, "hmmm interesting."
Brennan: You know what's a better question? What makes you think you get to decide what's relevant? You're basically the principal of a high school.
Booth: If you don't answer my questions, I'll take you down to FBI headquarters in hand cuffs.
Brennan: He'll do it. He doesn't like you.
Brennan: You're the least objective person I have ever met.
Booth: Thank you.
Brennan: It's not a compliment.
Booth: Maybe if you looked for more than the facts, you would be able to see the bigger pic-
Brennan: Maybe if you opened your mind we could find out the actual truth.
Zack: I had sex with Naomi in Paleontology.
Angela: You mean actually in Paleontology?
Zack: No, at her place. I thought it went great but I could be wrong because apparently what I think is wild and kinky is basic and since she never called me back I'm wondering if it's because I lack imagination in the sack.
Angela: You know what Zack? I’m thinking this is more of a guy-guy conversation.
Zack: Sometime when you're not busy, I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions about sexual positions.
Booth: If you even try, I will take out my gun and shoot you between the eyes.
Booth: Well, this is where a public school education comes in handy. "Divide and conquer" was the playground motto.
Angela: When you're with someone, the gymnastics aren't what matter. It's who you are. It's in your intentions and how much you care about the other person.
Zack: If you don't want to help me just say so.
Angela: Alright, I'm going to let you in on a secret. This is a female secret. Go to Naomi and tell her you don’t know anything about lovemaking... sex yeah... lovemaking you're a blank slate. You'll do anything she wants if she just introduces you to the secrets of love. She'll be more interested in that then if you were the most imaginative lover on the planet
Zack: That is totally counterintuitive.
Angela: Just do it, Z-man. Reap the benefits of my sexual wisdom.

[edit] The Man in the Bear [1.4]

Brennan: An autopsy on an animal is called necropsy.
Booth: Yeah, it's pretty crucial we get that straight right off the bat. Meanwhile, about the dead human being?
Brennan: Residual cross section striae.
Booth: Hmm... Just because you say it in that definitive tone doesn't mean it means anything to me.
Brennan: I'm not going to Washington State.
Booth: Again, just because you say in that definitive tone doesn't mean it means anything to me.
Brennan: Why is Booth the one who decides if we are going to Washington state? He gets the gun and the authority. He's the one that people like.
Dr. Goodman: Firstly, he didn't decide that you go to Washington state. He made a request. I'm the one who decides where you do and do not go.
Brennan: And secondly?
Dr. Goodman: Secondly, It's time to live a little Temperance. Connect with other people.
Brennan: Are you suggesting that I take this opportunity to have sex with Booth on a field trip?
Dr. Goodman: Good God, where's Dr. Freud when you need him?
Brennan: I don't understand what you are saying.
Dr. Goodman: Which is precisely why I am sending you to the great north woods. C'mon now, you have partially digested human remains to examine. That should put a smile on your face. The mosquitoes out there are the size of dogs, pack insect repellent.
Booth: You know being cooped up in a crappy hotel in the middle of nowhere with a fifty dollar per diem is not my idea of a good time either, you know.
Brennan: You only get fifty dollars a day? How do you live on that?
Booth: Okay, what do you mean? What do you get?
Brennan: I don't have a limit, I just give them the receipts.
Booth: Oh no, you have to have a limit. Everyone has a limit. We work for the government.
Brennan: I don't have a limit.
Booth: But it's not fair. It's not fair to the tax payers. You could get one of those thousand dollar toilet seats.
Brennan: I imagine I'm treated differently then you because I have an indispensable skill.
Booth: Oh right, indispensable. I do not need you.
Brennan: Oh, so you can determine the origin of the curf marks as well as the sex and age of the victim?
Booth: [laughs] You know, you're a smart ass. You know that?
Brennan: Objectively, I'd say I'm very smart, although it has nothing to do with my ass.
Booth: You know, it's beautiful here, feels good to be out of the city.
Brennan: Yeah, where murderers feed their victims to bears.
[Brennan enters Charlie's shop, carrying the human hand in a box]
Charlie: Need a hand?
Brennan: Thanks, but I'm trying to get rid of this one.
Charlie: [grabs the form Brennan filled out] Hey, Temperance Brennan, I'm reading your book. Gave me a few ideas if I ever want to kill someone and get rid of the body.
Brennan: [laughs] Don't forget Charlie, the heroine always catches the bad guy.
Booth: Oh yeah, now that you've met Bones you're all about the inner agency cooperation.
Sheriff: "Bones"? Now I don't think that is any way to talk to a lady.
Hodgins: All I am saying is why cut somebody into pieces?
Zack: Pack'em up tighter maybe, say in a suitcase.
Hodgins: How did a bear open a suitcase?
Zach: I saw a documentary once where a bear got into a car and drove away.
Hodgins: That was not a documentary, it was a cartoon.
Sherman: Did you ever hear of the bone gatherers, collecting bones so that the dead can make their journey to the next world?
Brennan: Not even sure I believe in the next world.
Sherman: Doesn't matter what you believe in. You're a bone gatherer. That's a good thing, helping the spirits move on.
Brennan: Thank you. It's probably the best job description I will ever get.
Charlie: Do you do all the stuff the girl in your book does?
Brennan: I'm slightly uncomfortable discussing that with you.
Charlie: No, I'm not talking about the sex. I'm talking about the running and the shooting. I mean, if you do do all that other stuff that's great too, for you and, um, whoever you're doing it with.
Brennan: We don't just have a killer on our hands, we have a cannibal.
Brennan: I've never been offered human flesh before.
Booth: But what if you had?
Brennan: It's an interesting question. I would have to measure my own social inculcation against scientific inquiry.
Booth: Okay, that's sick.
Angela: Somebody gnawed on this arm like some kind of man-corn?
[Talking by computer web cam]
Angela: Hey Booth, I have kind of a thing for tattoos. You got any?
Brennan: Angela!
Angela: I'm sorry sweetie but what's with that town? You gettin' any from that hot overnight guy?
Brennan: Ang, we're trying to work.
Angela: Is that town totally wasted on you sweetie, because I take this as a sign from God to loosen up. You know what they say "what happens in Aurora stays in Aurora."
[Brennan and Booth in the car and Brennan is talking to Angela on the phone]
Angela: So did you catch the guy?
Brennan: No, Booth lost him in the woods.
Booth: Whoa, wait a second. I didn't lose him.
Brennan: Well, you didn't catch him.
Angela: So you two have the night free?
Brennan: Yes, we can't do anything until I get a determination on that meat and Booth has to wait until it’s light to look for the guy he lost.
Booth: I didn't lose him, okay. He, uh, tell her that my flashlight died.
Brennan: She doesn't care.
Angela: What?
Booth: Give me the phone.
Brennan: [Holds phone away] It's not safe to drive and talk on the cell phone.
Angela: Are you two fighting?
Booth: Professional pride, tell her, please tell her that.
Brennan: Booth wants you to know that he lost the guy because his flashlight died.
Booth: And because he's an Indian and he's a park ranger and he's very very familiar with the territory. Tell her that.
Brennan: Did you hear that?
Angela: Yeah, something about Indian Territory.
Brennan: Yeah, she says she understands.
Brennan: Everybody is pumping me.
Booth: I'm sorry?
Brennan: For information on the case.
Booth: Bones, they're only pretending to be interested in the case.
Brennan: Why?
Booth: They're hitting on you.
Brennan: [laughs] Are you sure?
Booth: Yes, I'm sure. You're the hottest thing this town has seen in a long time.
Booth: You didn't come down for breakfast Bones.
Brennan: Wasn't hungry. Sorry you had to pay for your own meal.
Angela: [to Hodgins] Did you work all night?
Hodgins: Yes, I shaved the truffle.
Angela: Is that anything like spanking the monkey?
Hodgins: I found boaring dust.
Angela: Is there any other kind?
Hodgins: Boaring dust is produced by beetles which mean the tree the truffle grew on was infested.
Zack: That's not going to impress Toni.
Hodgins: That's not why I did it. I did it to serve justice and capture a murderous cannibal.
Angela: That'll impress the hot courier.
Hodgins: I am back in the game.
Booth: Dr. Randall, if you... can you just bite these?
Denise: And if I were your cannibal would I have pointed out that there were human bones in the bear after the autopsy?
Brennan: An autopsy on an animal is called a necropsy.
Denise: Yeah, there's a reason I get all the guys and you don't. [She bites down on the dental mold.] Let me tell ya, if I ate Adam there wouldn't be anything left.
Brennan: What if I have to shoot? What part of his body should I hit?
Booth: The part that isn't me. Just stay back.
Dr. Rigby: You don't understand it's a spiritual right to share the life force…
Booth: Look, you're nuts, okay, we get it. We don’t need to hear the rambling psycho speech on why you did it.
Dr. Rigby: You're an anthropologist. [he steps towards Brennan and then by her to the body] You know that ancient civilizations would sacrifice some in order to preserve the strength...
[Brennan hits him from behind in the head with a bed pan. He goes down on the floor.]
Booth: What'd you do that for?
Brennan: Nobody wants to hear that rambling psycho speech.
Booth: A bedpan? Hmm.
Hodgins: What are you doing here?
Angela: Are you kidding? It's like watching the clash of the horny titans.
Brennan: And to think I didn't want to come here with you. I mean, this was a fascinating case. You don't often find ritual cannibalism practiced so close to home.
Booth: Which I find a plus.
Brennan: There are always those individuals within a species who are driven to break the most basic taboos. I mean, Rigby actually ate human flesh.
Booth: Bones, I just got my steak and eggs.
Brennan: Rigby has a prion disease, which means he’s been a cannibal for quite some time. Do you realize when we go to trial he could use the insanity defense?
Booth: The guy is nuts.
Brennan: Yes, but is he nuts because he got a brain disease from eating human flesh, or was he already nuts the first time he ate flesh, or did he just lick his fingers after surgery?
Booth: I should just become a vegetarian.
Brennan: Or as an alternative, just don't eat people.

[edit] A Boy In a Bush [1.5]

[Brennan is giving a lecture and has opened up the floor for questions. Booth is in the audience and stands up]
Booth: I have a question regarding the FBI in your book. Who do you base brilliant and insightful Special Agent Andy Lister on?
Dr. Goodman: Oh, for God's sake.
Booth: 'Cause, you know, I'm pretty sure it was me.
[Booth and Brennan approach her car, a silver Mercedes convertible.]
Booth: [impressed] You gotta be kidding me.
Brennan: What? My publishers gave it to me.
Booth: Gave it to you?
Brennan: Book sales are pretty good. It's supposed to be a nice car.
Booth: [still incredulous] Gave it to you?
Brennan: Yeah.
Booth: Well, why'd you park it crooked?
Brennan: The guy told me to always park it like that.
Booth: [shakes his head] He's wrong. Makes you look like an idiot.
Cop: [to Brennan] You mind if I make an observation?
Brennan: No, of course not.
Cop: In your book, the cops come off as very one-dimensional. Why is that?
Brennan: You mean two-dimensional.
Zack: One-dimensionality exists only in theory as a mathematical value.
Cop: Oookay. Really looking forward to your next book.
Brennan: [to Zach] Did you bring the thermal imager?
Zach: I don't think we need it. [Brennan glares at him] It makes me look like the Great Gazoo.
Brennan: Okay, I don't know what that means, but we definitely need it, Zach.
[Cut to thermal image of Brennan and Booth]
Booth: [to Zach, in the thermal imaging suit] How's it going there Darth? Seen anything on Saturn? [to Brennan] Please tell me you've seen at least one Star Wars movie.
Dr. Goodman: When I said you should think of this invitation as a summons I understated it. It's a subpoena, a Grand Jury subpoena. Ignore it at your own peril.
Brennan: You're not going to fire us if we don't go.
Dr. Goodman: No, not fire you, but I can move your parking spots to lot M. Enjoy the shuttle ride.
Zach: The shuttle smells like feet.
Zach: These are the smallest remains I've ever worked on.
Brennan: That's a valid observation, Zach, but it's not helpful to the investigation.
Zach: Sorry, Dr. Brennan.
Brennan: I was at Waco. Branch Davidian compound. I helped identify children who had been killed in the fire, seventeen of them.
Zach: So you're saying I'll get used to it?
Brennan: No, I'm saying you will never get used to it. We're primates, social creatures, it's coded into our DNA to protect our young, even from each other.
Zach: So I'm always going to feel terrible?
Brennan: What helps me is to pull back emotionally. Just... put your heart in a box.
Zach: I'm not good with metaphor, Dr. Brennan.
Brennan: Focus on the details.
Zach: Details, yeah, I can do that.
Brennan: Any way to enhance it?
Angela: Well, I wouldn't bet a date with Colin Farrell on it.
Brennan: I know him. He's funny.
Angela: Funny is Will Ferrell, sweetie. Hot is Colin Farrell.
Brennan: I'm afraid Angela might quit.
Booth: I'm amazed she stuck it out this long.
Brennan: Why?
Booth: Well, because she's human. I'm sorry, Bones, it's just that, you know [sighs] Angela didn't get the same training the rest of you got on planet Vulcan.
Booth: Whoa. He must be one of those Hodgins's.
Zach: Who are those Hodgins's?
Booth: I mean the Cantilever Group Hodgins.
Angela: Oh, my God.
Zach: The Same Cantilever Group that generates more GNP than Europe?
Angela: Get this. They're the single biggest donors to the Jeffersonian Institute.
Booth: Ha! That makes Hodgins your boss!
Booth: Okay, if you can't see the guy's face, maybe you can grab a reflection.
Zach: [impressed] That's a workable idea.
Booth: Well, I'd say thanks, you know, if you didn't say it like it was some kind of miracle.
Hodgins: Chem Lab mass spectrometer identifies the particulates in Charlie Sanders' mouth as fluoride. [Brennan is staring at her computer screen] I know that look.
Brennan: What?
Hodgins: You're writing another book. When you write you get this stunned look on your face like you stuck a fork in a toaster.
Brennan: [voice breaking] Tell you what, if I can't respect the law, I can at least respect you.
Booth: Well - Yeah, that'll work, too. I mean it kind of comes out of nowhere, but-
Hodgins: Zach has been informed that if he tells anyone who I am, I will kick him out on the street like a stray dog. Sadly, there is nothing I can threaten you two with.
Angela: Yeah, that's a shame.
Brennan: Do you remember me, Sean?
Sean Cook: You're the museum lady, the one who's so smart.
Brennan: Yeah, I'm pretty smart.
[outside the interrogation room]
Attorney: [sarcastically] And modest.
Booth: Oh, believe me, she is being modest.
Brennan: By the way, there's a huge ding in my passenger side door because you told me not to park it at an angle.
Booth: [laughs]
Brennan: Okay, that's just mean!
Dr. Goodman: You are the best of us, Miss Montenegro. You discern humanity in the wreck of a ruined human body. You give victims back their faces, their identities, you remind us all of why we're here in the first place... because we treasure human life.
[Angela tears up and hugs Dr. Goodman, Brennan walks in]
Brennan: What happened?
Zach: Apparently, all Angela needed was to hear her job description in a deep, African-American tone.

[edit] The Man in the Wall [1.6]

Angela: TGIF? You heard of that?
Brennan: Yeah, it's some kind of acronym, but my inbox is full.
Angela: We know that's not true.
Brennan: A student needs help identifying some remains, and there's a TV show that needs research. Not that they listen.
Angela: We're going.
Brennan: I really should catalog that skull, its in the museums exhibit on the French Revolution.
Angela: Yeah, Pepe Le Pu is more important then booze, and boys.
Brennan: I don't think that's his name.
Angela: We are so gonna tear it up tonight!
Brennan: That's slang, right?
Angela: Right.
Booth: [laughs] Are you two high?
Angela: Only by accident so it doesn’t count.
Booth: Bones? Bones, how does something like this happen? [Booth reaches his hand towards it and Bones grabs it twisting a little and walking him backward]
Brennan: Well, the Egyptians would give the body a cedar oil enema and then rinse it with wine and cover it with salt, but I don't think that's what happened here.
Booth: Bones, you are totally wasted.
Brennan: Zack, Zack! Zack. Come here, come here. Isn't this a beautiful specimen of mummification?
Zack: [to Booth] What's going on?
Booth: Let's just say your boss inhaled.
[Booth walks into Bones's office while she's listening to hip-hop music]
Booth: Never knew this side of you, Bones.
Brennan: It's DJ Mount.
Booth: You’re hung over. Doesn't this make your head explode?
Brennan: I grabbed a couple hours of sleep on my couch and showered in the lab's decontamination room.
Booth: Ooh, You really know how to live
Brennan: Angela said rap artists sometimes kill each other over the music: Jam Master Jay, Tupac, Biggie.
Booth: Do you even know who you're talking about?
Brennan: Yeah, I've done my Googling.
Booth: Yeah.
Brennan: Listen, you can hear the Alpha male asserting himself.
Booth: [makes some rap noises] Yeah, fill your ass up…[makes more noises] with lead? Always a nice lyric.
Booth: Okay, how about this? DJ Mount trusted Eve because they were sleeping together so she meets him in the wall, takes the drugs, kills him for Rulz then takes off.
Brennan: Yeah, you should write fiction.
Booth: What? It’s reasonable.
Brennan: It’s not based on evidence, it’s conjecture.
Booth: Look, I’m positing a scenario. We’ve been through this before.
Brennan: Yeah, and it always seems to be a waste of time, Now finding a marker on a bone.
Booth: I know, you know, I think I need a vacation. I think you do too.
Brennan: I’m not the one who’s snippy.
Booth: Snippy? [laughs] What are you, seventy?
Brennan: See what I mean? I think you should find a nice relaxing place to go on that vacation. Somewhere where you can get a massage, maybe do some yoga.
Booth: I don’t do yoga okay, push ups, sit ups, pull ups…that’s what I do.
Brennan: Yeah, that’s more cardiovascular. Yoga deals more with…
Booth: Why exactly are we talking about this?
Brennan: Because you’re tense.
Booth: Because we’re talking. [turns on the CD player, and DJ Rulz comes on] You switched my music.
Brennan: Do you ever go on vacation?
Zack: I take my vacation when you take your vacation.
Brennan: What do you do?
Zack: Go back home to Michigan, see the family. I have three brothers and four sisters.
Brennan: Do you enjoy that?
Zack: God no. I made the mistake of telling them I work with corpses and skeletons. They think I’m a freak.
Brennan: Then why do you go?
Zack: They're my family....they love me.
Hall: I’ve been investigated for years. Why do you think they never got me on anything?
Booth: Because you’re so smart?
Hall: Because Terrance Baskin is my past. I’m one hundred percent clean now. This is my life now. This and my record label not crystal Meth… not gang banging.
Brennan: Yet much of the iconic quality of the urban music lies in the perceived or actual rivalry between the principal artists.
Hall: Where did you find her?
Booth: Museum.
Brennan: Toody has travelled the world finding dead bodies.
Booth: Does Toody always drool like that?
[Brennan and the dog handler glare at him]
Booth: What? Am I going to hurt her.... [looks under the dog] his feelings?
Handler: Toody is the best cadaver dog in the world, Agent Booth.
Brennan: It’s true. If you were a dead body, you’d want Toody looking for you.
Booth: How can he smell anything buried under a building?
Brennan: He can. Once I saw Toody find a dead body wrapped in plastic under concrete after four years.
Handler: Toody can smell decaying blood on a tooth six feet under ground. I mean, so what, he drools a little. What’s up with that? You know, your eyes are kinda close together, but I don’t comment.
Booth: I apologize.
Handler:[to Brennan] Is he sincere?
Brennan: Yes.
Handler: Then we accept.
Booth: Randall Hall, he’s behind this. Randall Hall, okay? He killed these two people. We know it, he did it. We just can’t touch him and there’s no evidence linking him to the drugs, the cash, or either body except for a couple of damn bone dimples.
Brennan: I’ll keep looking at the remains, maybe find the evidence we need.
Booth: I can’t let it stand.
Brennan: What?
Booth: You know what? I’m going to spread the pain. Alright, that’s my new motto.
[Booth turns and leaves. Brennan chases behind him]
Brennan: Wait, I can help spread pain. Wait!
Hodgins: How many times you want me to poke Zack?
Brennan: Just once, but as hard as you can.
Zack: As hard as he can? Why don't I hit him as hard as I can?
Hodgins: Because you have arms like noodles, while I'm vigorous and burly.
Brennan: I'm an anthropologist. I know the stages of everything, you made those up.
Angela: I did not.

[edit] A Man on Death Row [1.7]

Booth: Name?
Brennan: You know my name.
Booth: Bones, you are making an official request to the FBI to be allowed to carry a concealed weapon. I have to follow protocol.
Brennan: Its ridiculous.
Booth: Fine. [slides application to her] Then we're done here. Do you want to get some coffee?
Brennan: [Slides it back] My name is Dr. Temperance Brennan.
Booth: Reason for wanting a gun?
Brennan: To shoot people.
Booth: Not a good response.
Brennan: It's the truth.
Booth: You know, I'm writing, "self defense in the performance of my duties pursuing suspected felons as contracted out to the FBI."
Brennan: ...So I can shoot them.
Booth: Have you ever been charged with a felony?
Brennan: Charged or convicted?
Booth: Charged.
Brennan: You know I have.
Booth: I have to ask the questions.
Brennan: [Rolls her eyes] Bureaucratic nonsense.
Booth: Never the less, name of the arresting officer?
Brennan: You. [Booth gives her a look.] Special Agent Seeley Booth. Do you need me to spell that for you?
Booth: I can sound it out.
Booth: You can't have a gun.
Brennan: Why not?
Booth: Because you were charged with a felony.
Brennan: Write down that you were wrong to charge me.
Booth: Oh, there's no space for that.
Brennan: Why did we go through all this if you were never going to give me a gun?
Booth: You have a constitutional right to apply for a weapon. I would never deny your constitutional right.
Brennan: Well uh, I need a gun.
Booth: Rules are rules.
Brennan: Tell them that I shot a murderer who was going to light me on fire.
Booth: Which is why you weren't convicted but you did shoot an unarmed man. I... I can't ignore that. I swore an oath to protect society from people who shoot people.
Brennan: It was only his leg, and he's in jail for the rest of his life. How much is he going to use it anyway?
Amy: Am I interrupting?
Booth: I told them not to let you in this building. I gave them a picture.
Amy: Which is why I wore the tiny skirt.
Booth: Very cute.
Amy: You work with Booth?
Brennan: Yes, I'm a forensic anthropologist.
Amy: I'm a defense lawyer. I tend to work against Booth.
Booth: If it's all the same, I'd prefer you two didn't bond in any way.
[Hodgins and Zach are racing beetles]
Hodgins: What if they get mixed up?
Zach: I can tell them apart. [points to one] That's Jeff and [points to the other] that's Ollie. I win.
Hodgins: What? Wha... That one was mine!
Zach: You had Jeff. I had Ollie, Ollie won and you owe me a buck.
Hodgins: You want in on the action Angela?
Angela: [sighs] No, thank you. I'm going to go have sex.
Angela: You sure you don't wanna come? Troy can call a friend.
Brennan: [looking at bones] I've been waiting months for these. It's a partial skeleton from southern France. It's...
Angela: You know the whole point of the week, is the weekend. This is not the cabaret, my friend. Life is the cabaret. Come to the cabaret. [Brennan gives her a blank stare] It's like describing the moon to a mole.
Hodgins: I demand another beetle, alright? Jeff's got a groin pull.
Zach: Arthropods do not possess groins. Pay up.
Booth: [notices the beetles] Okay, our tax dollars hard at work.
Hodgins: Yeah, what's break time at the FBI, book burning?
Booth: Hey Bones, what are you doing this weekend?
Brennan: I have plans.
Booth: Come on, I'm serious.
Brennan: Between your girlfriend the corporate lawyer and the defense lawyer on the side, your weekend must be completely booked. What is your thing with lawyers?
Booth: Uh, look seven years ago, a seventeen year old girl, April Wright, was found beaten to death in a federal park. Okay? Amy is just trying to stop the guy who did it from being executed.
Brennan: So I guess we're not pursuing your lawyer obsession.
Brennan: Let's see if these shadows are bone fragments or something else.
Booth: Like what?
Brennan: Let's pretend we're objective scientists and not indulge in conjecture. Zach, get a driver to take you over to Greenbelt Park. I want you to take pictures of the area where the body was, ground covering, paved areas.
Booth: Why does he need a driver?
Zach: [embarrassed] I can't drive.
Booth: You’re a genius who can’t drive?
Zach: If you know what I know about constructural design, you wouldn’t drive either.
Angela: [to Brennan] Why did you call me in? Look at this guy. He's cuter than a monkey with a puppy.
[The phone starts ringing in the lab and Hodgins picks it up]
Hodgins: Hodgins.
Zach: [on other end of phone] Most trecondi codes have a complex numerical cypher.
Hodgins: That's a fun factoid Zach, thank you.
Zach: 12402510221 that's the number they found on the victim.
Hodgins: Well, you’re the one with the photographic memory. I'm the one that's good with the ladies.
Troy: [to Hodgins] Hey? So uh, what exactly do they do here? Ah, I thought Angela was an artist.
Hodgins: She is. We do mostly forensic identification and reconstruction of discorporated remains. My specialty is entomology and particulates. Have you ever seen maggots? [holds up a jar of them] I just got these in.
Angela: [walks behind Hodgins] Do not talk to him. [sighs] Wait in the lounge baby. It’s up those stairs right over there. Don’t talk to anybody.
Amy: So, you seeing each other?
Brennan: Who?
Amy: You and Booth.
Brennan: No. [laughs a little] No, we're... we're working together.
Amy: 'Cause I'm picking up a bit of a sex vibe.
Brennan: No, that's tension. He has a girlfriend.
Amy: Tall, blonde, beautiful?
Brennan: Lawyer.
Amy: Figures... should've jumped him when I had the chance.
Brennan: You’re really interested in Booth?
Amy: You aren’t?
Brennan: No.
Amy: Well then why are you helping him?
Brennan: Because he asked me. He said please.
Amy: [laughs] Come on, you think he's hot?
Brennan: No, not at all. This is a very interesting case.
Amy: Booth did say you had some kind of mania for the truth.
Brennan: Mania as in maniac?
Amy: I'm not sure he meant it as a bad thing, [Brennan stares at her] which obviously is how you're taking it.
Brennan: There was doubt. We had an obligation to respect that doubt. We all share in the death of every human being.
Booth: Very poetic.
Brennan: No, very literal. We all share DNA. When I look at a bone it's not some artifact that I can separate from myself. It's a part of a person who got here the same way I did. It should never be easy to take someone's life. I don't care who it is.

[edit] The Girl in the Fridge [1.8]

Brennan: Angela, is this conversation really appropriate here?
Angela: Sorry, but I'm into alive people.
Zack: [excitedly] The Anthropology Journal is publishing our piece on the Coronals suture.
Brennan: Worthy interruption.
[Zach offers his fist to her, she looks confused]
Zack: You're supposed to bump my fist with yours.
Brennan: Why?
Zack: I'm told it's a widely acknowledged gesture of mutual success [Puts his fist down]
Angela: I love it when you two impersonate earthlings.
[Hodgins enters the room, carrying a red box]
Hodgins: Okay, now, this is weird. There's some guy in the lounge who asked me to give you this. [Hands the box to Brennan]
Angela: Is he alive? Because this is an excellent start to a relationship.
Hodgins: I didn't put a mirror under his nose or anything. [To Brennan] He said that you'd know who he was when you opened it.
[Brennan opens the package, inspects the contents, then hurries out of the room]
Angela: Okay, a guy that gets her to stop working? This I have to see. [Angela leaves the room, quickly followed by Hodgins and Zack]
Brennan: So why are you here?
Michael: George Washington University wants to talk to me about heading their Anthropology department.
Brennan: They'd be lucky to get you.
Michael: I assume they tried you first.
Brennan: I already had a job.
Hodgins: [Referring to Brennan and her gentleman caller] It's like watching cars mate.
Angela: It's got to be Michael. Stires. Her Forensic Anthropology professor from Northwestern. They were...
Hodgins: Very, very close?
[Angela nods]
Zack: Dr. Brennan is my Forensic Anthropology professor. Does that mean -
Angela and Hodgins: [firmly, shaking their heads] No.
Zack: [to himself, trying to draw a logical conclusion] If she was his student, and I'm her student, then it follows...
Hodgins: Ain't gonna happen, Zack-O, not in this universe.
Brennan: [smiling] Not tonight. I have a dinner.
Booth:: [surprised] What? Wow. I just assumed that the two of you would be eating off an autopsy table.
Hodgins: Using a refrigerator to hide a body...kinda' perfect isn't it?
Zack: A good way to remove the victim without being detected. The rubber gaskets seal in the odor.
Angela: Maybe the company should use that in their ads.
[Zack and Hodgins approach Michael like protective older brothers]
Hodgins: [arms crossed] You were Brennan’s professor?
Michael: She was twenty-three, an adult.
Hodgins: That’s what Clinton said.
Zack: You run through a lot of students?
Michael: That was a long time ago and Tempe was very advanced, more a colleague than a student.
Zack: [looking back at Dr. Brennan] I'm a pretty advanced student.
Michael: No offense, but I'm not interested.
Zack: No, uh, I meant me and her...
Hodgins: [laughs and bumps Zack's shoulder] Burn!
Angela: Where did you go to dinner last night?.
Brennan: We wound up staying in. We need to know if that amount was accrued over time or was delivered in one large dose.
Angela: [delighted] You didn't come back to the lab, did you?
Michael: I made frittata.
Angela: [impressed] Oh, wow, he cooks too. Can we share him?
Booth: You know, when the regular stuff, when it gets old, you need to spice it up or it's over. The sex is good you don't need any help.
Brennan: [smirking to herself] Yeah, that's for sure.
Booth: Sorry?
Brennan: I was agreeing.
Booth: Yeah, well, don't. It kinda freaks me out.
Brennan: I was just saying that I myself feel not inclination towards pain or dominance when it comes to sex.
Booth: Are you sure?
Brennan: Yeah, I'm sure.
Booth: 'Cause you can be very bossy.
[She swats him with a crop from the evidence box]
Brennan: [triumphantly] Her legs were bound.
Zack: There are erosion patterns from the bones rubbing together over time.
Booth: If this were the result of sex games, then the legs, they wouldn't be bound together. [Michael looks back at him skeptically] Oh, come on, you know? Lookin' for a little nooky, the last thing you tie together are the legs.
Booth: Bones. The judge is holding them without bail. The US attorney is thinking about sending you flowers.
Brennan: Facts are facts.
Booth: Uh, Bones, I have to ask - how much have you been sharing with, uh, the professor?
Brennan: [indignant] None of your business.
Booth: I mean on the case.
Booth: Bones, you okay?
Brennan: Why wouldn't I be?
Booth: Oh, 'cause the nutty professor's graded your paper. What'd give you, anyway? I was always happy with a B.
Brennan: I never got a B, and I never will. [Walks off]
Booth: [to himself] That's my girl.
Jury Consultant: Juries don't like you.
Brennan: Excuse me?
Jury Consultant: I've seen you testify before, Dr. Brennan. You come off as cold and aloof. I want to make sure -
Brennan: Cold and aloof?
Jury Consultant: Try not interrupting, it makes you sound arrogant. Also, don't frontload your testimony with technical crap.
Booth: [shaking his head warningly at the Jury Consultant] Look, this really is not the best approach.
Brennan: You said, "We tell the truth. We do not flinch." You flinched, Michael.
Brennan: How I feel doesn't matter. My job doesn't depend on it.
Levitt: But it's informed by it. Are you as cold and unfeeling as you seem?
Brennan: I see a face on every skull. I can look at their bones and tell you how they walked, where they hurt. Maggie Schilling is real to me. The pain she suffered was real. Her hip was being eaten away by infection from lying on her side. Sure, like Dr. Stires said, the disease could contribute to that if you take it out of context, but you can’t break Maggie Schilling down into little pieces. She was a whole person who fought to free herself. Her wrists were broken from struggling against the handcuffs. The bones in her ankles were ground together because her feet were tied, and her side, her hip, and her shoulder were being eaten away by infection, and the more she struggled, the more pain she was in, so they gave her those drugs to keep her quiet. They gave her so much it killed her. These facts can’t be ignored or dismissed because you think I’m boring or obnoxious, because I don’t matter. What I feel doesn’t matter. Only she matters, only Maggie.

[edit] The Man in the Fallout Shelter [1.9]

Brennan: Better able to withstand peer pressure when you can't catch me.
Brennan: I don’t like secret Santa. The idea that we are forced by convention to exchange meaningless gifts is…
Angela: Yeah, yeah, yeah I know. If you rearrange "secret Santa" though, you get "secret Satan".
Brennan: What possible meaning could that have?
Angela: I’ve already had an eggnog, if you can’t tell. Now how am I going to enjoy this party knowing that my best friend in the whole world is in the lab, eyeball to eyeball, with Skeletor?
Brennan: Who?
Brennan: Booth, will you escort Angela to the Christmas party and make sure she doesn’t photocopy her butt?
Brennan: I thought that you were at the party.
Booth: Oh, that wasn’t a party, that was a Star Wars convention.
Brennan: Is that pure alcohol?
Zach: [flustered] Yes, Dr. Brennan.
Brennan: You really think Goodman's going to let you spike the eggnog after the Fourth of July fiasco?
Angela: Okay, you people listen to me. There is a party going on upstairs, okay? A Christmas party. We're gonna talk to some people, we're going to sing some carols, were gonna drink some eggnog. [she points at Booth] You are going to kiss me under the mistletoe. On the lips. [she turns to Zach and Hodgins] I might kiss you guys under the mistletoe too. [she turns to Brennan] Maybe even you. In a festive, non-lesbian manner. But we are going to that party.
Angela: Hey, whose fault is this?
Hodgins: Who forced me to go to the party where I drank too much and had to hide from Crystal?
Angela: Who never should have cut into a bone with a drunken fool in the room?
Zack: Who brought us human remains just to ditch a little paper work?
Booth: Oh, wait, you’re saying this is my fault.
Dr. Goodman: You knew Dr. Brennan could not resist.
Brennan: Well I would have been able to resist if I was in Niger, where I wanted to be.
Booth: What are those little tiny lights dancing on the ceiling?
Dr. Goodman: For the third time, those are minute firings of neurons on your optic nerve due to your reaction to the anti-fungal cocktail.
Booth: Wow, whoa. They’re beautiful.
Dr. Goodman: [laughs] You are stoned, Agent Booth.
Angela: It’s all so tragic. A cheap wedding ring sewn into his suit, two tickets to Paris, it makes you wonder who was the girl. Can you imagine what it was like for her, waiting and wondering never knowing what happened?
Brennan: I don’t have to imagine.
Booth: Bones, it’s after midnight. Hm? Christmas Eve Day. Both an eve and a day, it’s a Christmas miracle.
Brennan: Still enjoying your medication, I see.
Booth: You don’t seem too upset about missing Christmas.
Brennan: Indications are that Christ, if he existed, was born in late spring and the celebration of his birth was shifted to coincide with the pagan right of the winter solace so that early Christians weren’t persecuted.
Booth: What are you, like, the Christmas killer?
Brennan: It’s the truth.
Booth: No it sounds like the truth because it’s so rational, right? But the… you know, the true truth is you hate Christmas so you just spout out all these facts and you ruin it for everyone else.
Brennan: I ruin the true truth with facts?
Booth: You know, you don't know if you are sick, but you're more than willing to take drugs just in case. It seems to me you could give the man upstairs the same benefit of the doubt you do an invisible fungus.
Angela: Alright, we need a way to choose our secret Santa’s.
Zack: I could build a random generator.
Dr. Goodman: Wouldn’t it be better to match complimentary people in a premeditated manner?
Hodgins: I’ve got five numbers in my head and five letters. You tell me the number and I’ll tell you the matching letter.
Dr. Goodman: Are the letter sequential or are the numbers sequential?
Hodgins: Sequential, we'll go in order oldest to youngest.
Zack: Six.
Hodgins: There’s no six.
Dr. Goodman: A through E and 1 through 5?
Booth: [holds out a canister with their names written out on slips on paper in front of them] Just pick a name and if you get your own put it back in.
Dr. Goodman: Oh. That could work.
Hodgins: Yeah that’s good.
Angela: Good idea.
Brennan: Anthropologically speaking, gifts are a way of asserting dominance in a group. Now imagine an entire holiday devoted to self promotion, especially in this materialistic culture. How can you expect me to get behind that? How can you get behind that?
Booth: Wow, that’s…that’s deep. It’s a very deep pile of crap.
Brennan: You came to me with information this morning, a peace offering, but it was to make you feel better not me, proves my point. [points to picture] Any idea what this is?
Booth: No. [hands picture back to her]
Brennan: Me neither, try Dr. Goodman.
Booth: You know Bones, you make it very very hard for me to be nice to you.
Zach: Be kind, rewind.
Hodgins: Puperia showed Lionel had valley fever.
Brennan: We sorta knew that.
Hodgins: Wow, was that a shot? Because I apologized. I mean, Goodman doesn’t get to see his family. Zack doesn’t get to see his kids. Booth doesn’t get to see his son. At least I’m an accidental Grinch; with all due respect, you’re the Grinch on purpose.
Brennan: I have no idea what you are saying to me.
Hodgins: The Grinch is a relatively well known creation of a children’s author named Dr. Seuss. Listen, I got Angela for my secret Santa thing and what I want to do is blow up a microscopic imagery of a toxic mold, Stachybotrys chartarum, because I know she’s interested in digital fractology. I though that might appeal to her aesthetically, do you agree?
Brennan: I’m not really who you want to talk to about…Booth has a kid?
Hodgins: You didn’t know?
Brennan: No.
Hodgins: I wasn’t the one who told you.
Dr. Goodman: The girlfriend was in trouble.
Angela: Pregnant in trouble?
Hodgins: Ooh, apparently Careful Lionel wasn’t so careful.
Booth: Marry a pregnant girl in Oklahoma in the late fifties.
Dr. Goodman: Do you suppose Lionel came up here to procure an abortion?
Angela: You know what? This isn’t a very Christmas Eve-type story.
Brennan: Of course it is, the whole Christ myth has been built upon the travails of an unwed mother.
Booth: Okay could we just stop bringing up the whole Christ myth thing? Some people believe it is more then just a myth.
Brennan: Well, who besides you?
Dr. Goodman: That would be me Dr. Brennan. I’m a deacon at my church.
Angela: I do, Christmas and Easter anyway.
Hodgins: Although I believe organized religion is just another political movement designed to control the masses, it doesn’t mean God doesn’t love me.
Zack: Hey, I’m a rationalist empiricist all the way. Unless you talk to my mother. Then I’m Lutheran.
Angela: I know your parents disappeared just before Christmas.
Brennan: My brother Russ was nineteen and we were still in the house.
Angela: that must've been strange.
Brennan: Russ found our presents in my parent's room and Christmas Eve, when I was asleep, he snuck down and made Christmas, trying to do the right things for me.
Angela: Christmas for his little sister.
Brennan: But when I came down and saw the lights and the presents...
Angela: You thought your parents were back.
Brennan: I just expected to see them, sitting there, drinking their coffee, watching Russ and me open our presents.
Angela: Oh my God.
Brennan: I kind of lost it. I refused to open the presents until they came back...It was like I told Russ that he wasn't enough family for me. Before New Years, he went out west to work and I was in the foster system.
Angela: You have to find the girl and tell her what you know. Don’t you see? You can give her the answer that you never got.
Brennan: Wha…Angela.
Angela: I’m sorry sweetie, but it’s true. You have a chance here.
Brennan: To say what? "Merry Christmas, Ivy Gillespie. Your fiancé was murdered and your life was ruined but hey, at least you get to know what happened to him."
Angela: Don’t you wish somebody had said that to you?
Brennan: Yes. [she gets up and leaves]
Booth: You just gave somebody the best Christmas gift they could ever get. Who’s the secret Santa now?
Brennan: Stop. [her voice activates the robot laying on the counter next to Booth. It starts doing push-ups. Booth looks at it]
Booth: Ooh. [laughs] That weirdo assistant of yours just made me the coolest dad in the world.

[edit] The Woman at the Airport [1.10]

Brennan: [to Zack] X-rays, pictures, we’re going to do this without touching the actual skeleton as much as possible.
Zack: Kid gloves?
Brennan: Latex should be alright. [pauses] Zack, were you being metaphoric?
Zack: [nods] I decided to give it a shot. Which is also metaphoric.
[Brennan walks into her office and sees Booth sitting at her desk.]
Brennan: [sighs] I need a receptionist. I can’t just have anybody waltzing in here.
Brennan: I can’t go to Los Angeles. I have an Iron Age warrior to authenticate.
Booth: Iron Age warrior, when was the Iron Age?
Brennan: Fifteen hundred years ago.
Booth: Fresh body bits, just a little more urgent.
Brennan: You do realize there are a lot more fresh bodies then there are perfect specimens from the Iron Age?
Booth: You know when you say things like that, it’s just to bug me, right?
[Rodeo Drive, Beverly Hills, CA. Booth is driving a blue mustang convertible.]
Brennan: This car doesn’t feel very FBI-y.
Booth: Bones, this is a nineteen sixty-six mustang. It’s a classic and what goes better then that with the FBI?
Brennan: How come on the rental agreement under model, you made the guy write "sedan"?
Booth: C’mon. We’re in California. [puts his arm behind her shoulders.] Look, palm trees.
Brennan: You know I like to drive sometimes.
Booth: Look our contact out her is Special Agent Trisha Finn.
Brennan: I’m an excellent driver.
Booth: Okay Rain Man.
Brennan: I don’t know what that means.
Booth: I’m always gonna drive. You know that, right? Me behind the wheel and you over there on the grandma side.
Brennan: I’m not above telling Deputy Director Cullen what kind of car you rented.
Hodgins: Look, there’s no bugs on him, haven’t been for over a thousand years.
Dr. Goodman: There may be spores and pollens, correct?
Hodgins: Probably not.
Dr. Goodman: Dozen of species of pollens have been discovered from the crustaceous era. How long ago was that?
Zack: [raises hand] Sixty-five million years. [Hodgins glares at him.] That was a pretty good comeback.
Hodgins: We all know that you’re going to say I’m unable to authenticate with confidence.
Zack: Why would he do that?
Hodgins: When you declare something authentic, you run the risk of being proven wrong. That doesn’t happen if you equivocate. As head of the Jeffersonian, Dr. Goodman will place the reputation of the institution over everything else.
Dr. Goodman: I’m an archeologist. My findings will be congruent with the facts.
Hodgins: With all due respect, you used to be an archeologist.
[Hodgins and Dr. Goodman glare at each other]
Zack: I have no idea what’s going on between you two right now.
Dr. Goodman: His bones bear the marks of battle. His weapons are of good quality, well used. He’s old for a warrior yet how did he die Mr. Addy?
Zack: Looks like tuberculosis.
Dr. Goodman: A proud man. Not the ending he would have wanted, yet he was surrounded by family and friends, a good death.
[Hodgins looks up at the ceiling and rolls his eyes, annoyed.]
Hodgins: Oh, please. Now you’re describing a scene from Lord of the Rings.
Booth: My hotel doesn't even have a pool.
Brennan: Well, you're welcome to use mine.
Booth: Okay guys, let’s turn our attention back to the murder victim. I’d like to go pay a visit to Dr. Boobs.
Finn: Why? If implants were stolen from him, he won’t know anything.
Booth: Because it’s the only lead that we’ve got, Finn, and leads are great for screen plays, or even say if you’re actually working a real case.
Zack: I have something for you.
Angela: [sighs] Is it chocolate?
Zack: No.
Angela: Then I find my interest has flagged.
Zack: What’s with Goodman and Hodgins?
Angela: Oh, they’re guys. They should just lay them out on the table and measure.
Zack: Lay what out on the table and measure?
Angela: Okay, awkward moment. Let’s just say they have different approaches and they’re guys, okay?
Zack: I’m a guy.
Angela: You’re more highly evolved. [puts a few markers on the skull] This girl didn’t just change her face, she changed her skull. This is going to make Brennan nuts.
Zack: You know one thing.
Angela: What’s that?
Zack: She’s going to be beautiful. Why would anyone go through all this pain and not end up beautiful?
Angela: Do the names Michael Jackson or Joan Rivers mean anything to you?
Zack: One of them. The other I’ll look up.
Kostov: You have the most beautiful bone structure.
Brennan: I can't take credit. It's genetic.
Booth: You touch her, she'll break your arm [Kostov recoils his hand] she thinks what you do is...
Brennan: Barbaric.
Brennan: What this young woman did to herself, it's as if she completely removed her own identity. Who hates herself so much that she not only changes her looks but her core architecture? If we don't know who she is, then how will we be able to catch the person who murdered her?
Angela: Is that your way of apologizing?
Brennan: Yes, Angela.
Angela: I accept. I love your guts, sweetie.
Booth: I was wondering if you could have one of your ladies visit me today?
Brennan: [to Booth] You're ordering a prostitute from my cell phone?
Zack: This is the type of situation where someone says, "Oh my god."
Hodgins: Pretend you're a person and say it.
Zack: Oh my god.

[edit] The Woman in the Car [1.11]

Stacy: I’m Stacy Goodyear and joining me on Wakeup DC is Dr. Temperance Brennan. She’s the author of the best selling mystery novel, Bred in the Bone and she’s also…now tell me if I get this wrong…an anthropologist who works with the FBI to solve crimes?
Brennan: Yes that’s correct. I use the bones of people who have been murdered or burned or blown up or eaten by animals or insects or just decomposed.
Stacy: Well that’s exciting. Um, Dr. Brennan, your book has sold over three hundred thousand copies. How do you juggle twin careers as a best selling author and crime fighting scientist?
Brennan: Well I do one, then the other.
Reporter: Do you have any advise for budding authors out there?
Brennan: Well, the first thing you should have is an idea and then...well first you need something to write with. They...they know that. Well, obviously you need a writing instrument and you need an idea. I'm just not sure which should come first.
Pickering: Didn’t I see you on television this morning, Dr. Brennan?
Brennan: How could I possibly know what you watched on television? [she sees Booth and starts to walk over to him] Booth, I have to talk to you.
Pickering: Yeah it was definitely her.
Booth: [To Brennan] You know if this works, I'm gonna buy you a puppy.
[Talking about Brennan's TV interview]
Brennan: Okay, what did I do wrong?
Booth: Maybe next time tell a funny story. Oh, never say you don’t like children.
Brennan: I didn’t say I don’t like children. I just said I don’t want any.
Booth: On TV that’s the same thing.
Brennan: You arrest someone really small lately? [Booth looks at her] Car seat in the back.
Booth: Oh I had Parker for the weekend.
Brennan: I don’t know how you do that.
Booth: Install a car seat in an FBI vehicle?
Brennan: Bring a kid into this world knowing what you know. I’ll bet Parker was an accident, right? Because his mother wouldn’t marry you? [Booth laughs and shakes his head] What?
Booth: It never occurred to you that that might be a sensitive topic.
Brennan: Well, you could have gone with the very small felon story.
Booth: I’m better for Parker being in the world. Someday you will see that.
Brennan: No I won’t.
Booth: You’ll change your mind.
Brennan: Ah, I don’t do that.
Booth: You will.
Brennan: Yeah, maybe after I see how Carl Decker reacts when you tell him his wife is dead and his child has been kidnapped.
Brennan: Forensic anthropologist! That's why no gun!
Cullen: [To Brennan and Booth] Well, at least nobody got shot. Probably 'cause she didn’t have a gun.
Pickering: When was the last time you saw your husband?
Angela: My husband?
Pickering: Yes.
Angela: [surprised] Oh. [laughs] Oh. [chuckles] Wow, you mean that actually took? Really, it didn’t seem legal. We were in Fiji. You know, there was a fire dance. You know how those things can be, right?
Pickering: I really don’t, Miss Montenegro.
Angela: Right.
Zach: If I demand a lawyer will it get me out of it too?
Brennan: We all demand a lawyer.
Booth: Now the ear you found? There’s no way it’s her own ear, right?
Brennan: How could it be her own ear?
Booth: That’s what I’m saying.
Brennan: What?
Booth: It’s definitely not her ear.
Brennan: How could she bite off her own ear?
Hodgins: Okay, okay so you’re telling me that my toe chewing moron cousin was appointed to a secret post in a secret part of the government you can’t tell me about so you compiled a secret dossier on me, but I’m the one who’s paranoid.
Pickering: We don’t use the word "dossier".
Hodgins: What was the finding? I…I still work here so…
Pickering: Harmless.
Hodgins: Harmless? I’m harmless?
Pickering: Yes, you do not pose a viable threat.
Hodgins: Well, that’s just insulting.
Pickering: If you want me to interview you, I will but I will only discover what we already know. You are benign.
Hodgins: I am not benign, lady. I’m not harmless. I’m malignant! I’m a loaded cannon…
Pickering: Thank you Dr. Hodgins. [she walks away]
Hodgins: I know things that would curdle your blood including a formula that literally curdles blood!
[Lab area with all the boxes in the wall. Zack is looking at readouts and x-rays on the lighted table. Pickering is standing by the table talking to him.]
Pickering: Could we start please?
Zack: Anytime, I can do two things at once.
Pickering: [upset] Mr. Addy, I require your full attention.
Zack: No you don’t, but I’ll give it to you.
Pickering: What I need to do here is to establish that you are not a threat to the security of this country.
Zack: I’m getting a degree in Forensic Anthropology. I’m half way through another in Engineering. What are you afraid I will do? Build a race of criminal robots that will destroy the earth?
Pickering: Do you have that kind of fantasy often?
Zack: Very often.
Pickering: Does it concern you that such adolescent thoughts are a sign of emotional retardation?
Zack: I’ve been told. I’m working on it.
Pickering: Can you understand why that concerns us?
Zack: Not really.
Pickering: Hypothetically, you have a piece of information…
Zack: Secret and meaningful information?
Pickering: Yes and the security of the countries at stake, Can I bribe you to give it to me?
Zack: No.
Pickering: Threaten you?
Zack: No.
Pickering: What if I made a reasonable rational argument, very persuasive?
Zack: Merely persuasive?
Pickering: Irrefutable. I make an irrefutable argument as to why you should give me this piece of information. Would you do so?
Zack: Not without checking with Dr. Brennan or Angela first, see what they said, maybe Agent Booth if he would talk to me. He probably wouldn’t. I'd check with Dr. Hodgins but he’d say it was all part of some conspiracy... so I must only take his advice on woman. Four hundred and eighty volts…three hundred and fifty amps.
Pickering: I beg your pardon?
Zack: It's sorta secret information. I probably shouldn’t tell you. Any other questions? [Pickering shakes her head] Good. [Zack runs off]
Booth: The material witness for a specially convened grand jury and you lost him?
Weeks: The guy's pretty smart, genius level. Do you have any idea what it is like to interact with those types of people?
Booth: Yeah a little.
Brennan: You just told me not to jump to a conclusion.
Booth: No offense intended.
Brennan: No, you were right! It’s just I usually get to tell you.
Booth: Well our relationship has taken a whole new turn.
Booth: Alright Zack! Zack! [Zack turns around] This guy Decker, he’s like you. He’s in the whole stratosphere IQ wise.
Zack: What's his IQ?
Booth: It's 163.
Brennan: Oh, he's not where Zack is.
Zack: If he's in the stratosphere, I'm in the ionosphere.
Booth: Usually, I enjoy your company, Bones. It's times like these that you give me a little something else to worry about.
Brennan: You enjoy my company?
Decker: Look analytically I understand that many lives outweigh the one, but I cannot trade my son's life.
Weeks: Have you considered that by not testifying your wife will have died in vain?
Cullen: Shut it Weeks. If you people had protected Mr. Decker and his family properly, we wouldn’t even be here.
Booth: You know you guys are geniuses.
Zack: How do we find that?
Booth: I work for the F.B.I. you idiot.
Hodgins: Way to go Zack. We went from genius to idiot in 3 seconds.
Pickering: Can you tell me what you were doing in Cuba?
Brennan: Only if you tell me first.
Pickering: I beg your pardon?
Brennan: I don't know your security clearance.
Pickering: Well what is your security clearance?
Brennan: You should check with the state department.
Pickering: I'm from the state department.
Brennan: Then that should make it easy for you.
Brennan: Why don't we ever take my car?
Booth: Do you have bullet proof vests in the trunk?
Brennan: No.
Booth: That's why.

[edit] The Superhero in the Alley [1.12]

Booth: No you don't have to solve the whole case. Just tell me if I'm looking at a murder. Maybe, you know, pull a quick I.D.? [he smiles]
Brennan: Don't use your charm smile on me.
Booth: What? It's a mark of respect. That's all.
[Booth and Brennan are looking through the room of a teenage murder victim]
Booth: Unbelievable. [sighs and goes over to pick up some comic books] This is quite the collection of comic books.
Brennan: Hodgins said that the cellulose mass was a graphic novel. He sent it to Angela for analysis and recovery.
Booth: Sweet.
Brennan: Sweet?
Booth: Ah, he has Batman number 127 featuring The Hammer of the Thor. This is worth about three hundred bucks.
Brennan: Booth, are you a nerd?
Booth: First of all, you mean geek and no, I’m not, okay? It’s quite normal for an American male to read comic books.
Brennan: I find it hard to believe you have anything in common with Warren Granger.
Booth: Oh, you mean isolated with an inner secret life? No, okay. I’d say you were more like Warren.
Goodman: All writers reveal more of themselves then they intend on their page.
Booth: You know, I’ve gotta tell you I never bought all that English 101 stuff. Sometimes a river is just a river.
Brennan: [to Goodman] With all due respect, my writing for example is pure fiction.
Goodman: Dr. Brennan, I fear you reveal much more of your world view in your writing then you realize.
Brennan: Such as?
Goodman: Such as, archeologists make good administrators because they enjoy tedium.
Angela: Such as, artists are doomed to a life of loneliness because they are unable to think beyond instant gratification.
Booth: Such as, you know, FBI guys are hot and Angela here wants to have sex with me.
Booth: Oh, you know, I figure we ask a few questions about Warren Granger, maybe bowl a few frames...You know, nothing like a little sport to, uh, take the edge off.
Brennan: This is not a sport.
Booth: How do you figure?
Brennan: There's not physical benefit. So it's really like golf. It's not a sport, it's an activity.
Booth: You know, could you please, Bones maybe just for once try not to piss everyone off around you?
Brennan: You said before that Warren reminded you of me. You think I'm just like him, that he hid from life by immersing himself in a fantasy world where he fought crime. And I do the same thing, only I don't have superpowers. I...I have science.
Booth: No, Bones. You do fight crime. It's not a fantasy. As far as any normal person is concerned, you do have superpowers.
Brennan: You're just saying that to me.
Booth: No, I don't do that.
Brennan: Yes, you do. You lied to Warren Granger's mother to make her feel better. That seems to be your superpower.
Booth: Okay. Well, in your book, your partner's a former Olympic boxer who graduated from Harvard and spoke six different languages. In real life you got me.
Brennan: So, what you're saying is that reality falls far, far short of the fictional.
Booth: Yeah. Thanks a lot Bones.

[edit] The Woman in the Garden [1.13]

Brennan: I read a book about improving work relationships. It's not fair to expect you to tell me everything.
Booth: I appreciate the effort Bones.
Booth: Great, now he's ignoring us in two languages.
Hodgins: Typically grave diggers are necrophiliacs looking for a little action.
Booth: My problem is that someone shot at me...shot at me and my partner. Plus, a bad guy got away. So I'm a little cranky about the whole thing.
Hodgins: Field work. Cool! Do I get a gun?
Brennan: You can't arm Hodgins and not me.
Booth: What is it with you people and guns?
Booth: Let's pretend that I'm the cop for a second.
Brennan: I'm trained in kinesiology, the study of human movement.
Booth: [Getting into his face] You put a hit out on my partner?
Ortez: She's not FBI.
Booth: [Punches him in the face and grabs him by the throat as he points his gun right at his throat] I never said anything about the FBI. She's my partner, see. And if anything happens to her, I will find you and I will kill you. I won't think twice. Come here look in my eyes. [pushes barrel of his gun into his mouth, and cocks it] Look at my face. If anything happens to her, I will kill you. This is between you and me, and nobody sees, nobody knows.

[edit] The Man in the Fairway [1.14]

Brennan: Plane crashes don’t belong to the FBI.
Zack: Why not? FAA stands for Federal Aviation Administration. The NTSB stands for National Transportation Safety Board. That sounds Federal to me and FBI stands for Federal Bureau…
Brennan: Zack.
Zack: This is the third time in a row we’ve investigated without Booth. I don’t like it.
Brennan: Why? He mostly ignores you.
Zack: Ignoring me is Booth’s way of acknowledging my presence. It’s a guy thing.
Zack: I apologize if I've offended you. Usually we have an FBI agent that mediates our interpersonal encounters.
Brennan: What are the odds?
Zack: A crashing plane falling directly on a human being? One in...ten million.
(Dr. Goodman's office. Brennan, Angela, Hodgins, and Zack are present.)
Dr. Goodman: The information that I’m about to tell you must not leave this room
Hodgins: I am philosophically imposed to institutional secrecy in all its forms.
Dr. Goodman: Fine, get out.
Hodgins: (scoffs) Pfft.
Dr. Goodman: Two communist Chinese trade attachés were on that plane when it crashed, both high ranking party men.
Hodgins: Obviously, we shot it down.
Brennan: Not to mention, three bone fragments which were not on the plane.
Dr. Goodman: Is there any chance those bone fragments were on the plane?
Angela: What, you mean as carry on luggage?
Brennan: Got it, or you want me to explain it again?
Booth: Yeah I got it the plane goes down, kablooey, there's an extra body on board which you really don't care about because you're more interested in these bone fragments that you found on the ground.
Brennan: Exactly.
Booth: This all you got?
Brennan: So far, piece of skull, chunk of vertebra, part of a femur.
Booth: Not much to go on.
Brennan: These fragments come from a person who was hacked.
Booth: Hacked to little bits?
Brennan: No medium sized bits, not sure how it turned into little bits yet.
Booth: Okay and I'm here why?
Brennan: Dismemberment little bits, it's a murder.
Booth: Well, FBI doesn’t have jurisdiction at a golf course.
Brennan: Well, who does?
Booth: I dunno, try the PGA. (he smirks) You know, you’ve done a couple of cases without me and you miss me.
Brennan: Zack misses you, not me.
Booth: Zack and I don’t even talk.
Brennan: He seems to think it’s a male bonding ritual.
Booth: Maybe he’s right.
Brennan: No he’s not.
Booth: Could be.
Brennan: You told him that so you wouldn’t have to talk to him.
Booth: Well it was nicer then shooting him.
Brennan: Goodman has ordered me to investigate the other extra body.
Booth: Well then you better get on that. Next time you know, you miss me pick up the phone, call me, we’ll do lunch.
Brennan: I do not miss you!
Booth: Yeah you miss me. C’mon.
Brennan: I do not miss you!
Booth: Say it.
(A security guard walks in.)
Guard: Dr. Brennan, Agent Booth, you have a visitor. (he leaves)
Booth: You miss me.
Brennan: No I don’t. (she walks out.)
Booth: You miss me. You miss me.
Angela: We’ve made some progress on the mystery passenger.
Brennan: Fill me in.
Zack: Nasal ridges indicated she was a cocazoid female approximately five feet 10 inches, epiphyseal fusion puts her age somewhere between twenty to twenty-five.
Angela: I have a theory.
Hodgins: Femme fatal assassin.
Zack: Unregistered flight attendant.
Angela: Young, beautiful girl, doesn’t appear on the in flight manifest, group of high-powered politicos.
Hodgins: Oh.
Zack: Wait. What? What?
Brennan: Someone on that flight might have been doing his daughter or girlfriend a favor.
Angela: Ugh, you’re so sweet, honey. You really are.
Zack: Oh, you think she was the in-flight entertainment.
Brennan: I'm going to ask you guys to help me on this.
Angela: You mean after the Communist thing?
Brennan: No, immediately.
Hodgins: I'm in.
Zach: You want us to defy Dr. Goodman?
Hodgins: I'm in.
Brennan: Not defy per say, do both jobs but keep one a secret.
Hodgins: I'm in.
Angela: We get it. You're a rebel.
Brennan: Assume the victim was frozen solid when he was fed into the chipper.
Zach: No way!
Booth: (to Brennan) The correct response would be yes way.
Brennan: Oh. (to Zach) Yes way.
Brennan: (to Booth)I feel like kicking him.
Booth: (pulling out handcuffs) That's normal after a pursuit. We try not to do that.
Booth: Hey, you know, your people are my people.
Brennan: What? I have people? Hey, I have people.

[edit] Two Bodies in the Lab [1.15]

Brennan: Ask them to save the excrement for Hodgins.
Booth: Fine, you know what? You have fun with Dick431 of whatever his handle is.
Brennan: Yeah I will.
Booth: Good.
Brennan: Thanks.
Booth: Fine.
Brennan: Good.
Hodgins:: I'm doing the fecal flotation right, now. [pauses] Wow, don't get to say that a lot.
Angela: Booth is a big, strong, hot guy who wants to save your life. I mean, you actually have a knight in shining FBI standard-issue body armor so cut him some slack.
(As Booth is looking at Bones' music)
Booth:: Tibetan throat singers...rock on, Bones.
Brennan: Uh, how did that get there?
Booth:: C'mon Bones, everybody loves Foreigner. Hot Blooded? Talk about a guilty pleasure. Check it baby.
Booth: Did they gather all the evidence from the explosion?
Brennan: Yes.
Booth: You're sure?
Brennan: Yes. Booth, I was there. They were very thorough and I was very annoying.
Angela: Let's talk revenge, bloodlust.
Brennan: The cathartic release we are looking for can only be achieved when we successfully gather enough evidence to neutralize the person or persons responsible for putting Booth in the hospital.
Zach: Neutralize can mean either kill or arrest?
Brennan: Yes, it can mean either.
Booth:: Maybe if we weren't in a toy car.
Hodgins: This conspiracy thing is a lot more intense when you're in the middle of it.