King of the Hill

King of the Hill (1997 - 2010) is an Emmy-winning American animated television series created for FOX. Unlike many animated sitcoms of its type that generally tend to feature unusual or impossible events, King of the Hill attempts to retain a realistic approach, featuring Americans with average IQs, and seeking humor in the otherwise conventional or sometimes even mundane.

Season 1 [edit]

Pilot [1.01] [edit]

Hank Hill: Mother of God! It's all toilet sounds! Where did you record this?!

Dale Gribble: I know what's wrong with it. It's a Ford. You know what they say Ford stands for don't ya? 'Fix it again, Tony'

Hank Hill: You're thinking of a Fiat, Dale.

Dale: Fix... it... again... huh.

Hank is fixing his truck

Dale Gribble: ... could be helicopters; UN helicopters.

Hank Hill: Dale! Give me some light! Now! I can't see! (Hank drops his wrench) Ow, my arm! (The hood closes) Ow, my head!

Dale runs off

Bill Dauterive Uh, are you sure you want to be messing with Hank's truck when he's not around?

Dale Gribble: I'm gonna help get him this alternator off. (Dale cuts a wire).

Bill: Ah, Dale, I think you released the brake cable! Dale?

Dale: No I didn't. (The truck crashes into the garage door). I gotta go! I got some, ah, edging to do. (Dale grabs his cap out of the engine and he, along with Bill and Boomhauer, run back to their homes).

Dale Gribble: [regarding global warming] I say let the world warm up...we'll grow oranges in Alaska.

Hank Hill: Dale you giblet head, we live in Texas. It's already 110 in the summer, and if it gets one degree hotter I'm gonna kick your ass!

Hank Hill: Don't play lawyer-ball, son.

Boomhauer: Them dang ol' New York boys, just a show about nothing.

Bobby is talking with Joseph

Bobby: (Mocking his dad) Git out my house! My boy ain't much, but he's all I got!

Hank Hill: Peggy, go get my BC headache powder and a glass of water.

Hank: (Referring to Bobby's comedy tape full of fart noises) What that person on your tape has is a medical disorder.

Hank: (Hank is lying on the bed) It's hard, Peggy. I don't want to lose my little boy. My only son. But, oh, it's hard.

Peggy: Well, you can relax. The investigation has been off for a week, only Bobby didn't tell us.

Hank: I'LL KILL HIM!!!!!

Peggy: Alright, calm down, honey. Now, let me explain. He didn't do it to be mean, Bobby honestly doesn't think you love him all the time.

Hank: That's crazy, 'Course I love him.

Peggy: Very good. Now, say it to Bobby.

Hank: What are you talkin' about?

Peggy: I want you to tell Bobby that your love for him is unconditional.

Hank: Well, I can't say that. I can't! You know how I was raised! What my father's like!

Cotton: (shown in a flashback to Hank's youth) I got my shin blown off by a Japan man's machine gun, so don't come crying to me with your problems!

Peggy: Honey, I'm begging you. For the sake of this family, you have got to do it. He's waiting for you out on the porch.

Hank: Ah, jeez. Twig-boy coming over here... (Hank goes outside and talks to Bobby) Uh, you, uh, you're my son, uh, well, you know with everything uh, that entails, uh...

Bobby: Uh-huh.

Hank: Uh, huh, you know, uh, feelings of, uh, fondness, and more, uh, heh, uh, you know what I mean, don't you, boy?

Bobby: No.

Hank: Uhh, well uh, (Hank makes a weird sound) Huh, that's a hell of a weird sound, I've never made that before. Uh, I, you, uh, family. You're not making this easy on me, boy. (sighs) Okay, I love you no matter what you do. There, phew, let's go get something to eat.

Bobby: I'm not, just a big disappointment to you?

Hank: Disappointment? No, you make me proud. I've been disappointed by just about everything else in this town, but you? Not once. Dammit, you're my boy. Heh, You know better than that. (Bobby laughing)

Social Worker: He punched him! I, I knew it! I told him! Did-did you see that?

Guy: See what, twig-boy!

Social Worker: (sighs) Never mind.

Square Peg [1.02] [edit]

Peggy is attempting to say the names of reproductive organs for a sexual education class.:

Peggy Hill: Happiness. Happ-i-ness. Ha-penis. Penis. I did it! Ovaries. Uvula. Uterus. VAAAGINA!

[Hank does a spit-take with his beer.]:

Peggy: Hey Hank, I just said...

Hank: I heard ya. The whole neighborhood can hear you cussing.

Peggy: It's not cussing Hank, to say the name of a god-given body part.

Hank: Well it is if it's the part of a body that was meant to be concealed by an undergarment. You're dealing with organs that people just don't want to know about.

Peggy: Well, Bobby ought to know about 'em. We don't want him growing up as repressed as we did.

Hank: Sure we do. I'm drawing the line here, Peggy. My son is not gonna learn this crazy crap! It says right here that he can't take the class without permission from both his parents!

Peggy: Now, just hold on. Are you saying I'm not good enough to teach my own son?!

Hank: If you do not approve, you do not have to sign, and I do not approve. Permission denied!

[Dale is leaving a message on the Hill's answering machine]

Dale Gribble: You don't know who I am, but I know where you live and you better cut it out if you know what's good for you. Oh, and Hank, we changed that tee-off time to 3:00.

The Order of the Straight Arrow [1.03] [edit]

Hank Hill: [As a child] When I grow up, I want to sell propane and propane accessories, if my grades are good enough!

Hank Hill: We of the Order of the Straight Arrow call upon the spirit Wematanye, protector of the sacred ground that brings us cool water to drink and energy-efficient clean-burning propane gas for all our sacred heating and cooking needs. Wematanye says, respect the earth! She's ours, by God, our taxes pay for Her. Also, it says here you gotta love all Her creatures. Let's see...oh, here we go: Though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you're gonna recommend us to the spirit in the sky, with liberty and justice for all. Wematanye is with you, and with Texas. Amen.

===

Luanne's Saga [1.05] [edit]

Hank Hill: Your heart is telling you?! Who's the boss, you or your heart? You are! Your heart is your employee! So get your heart off its butt and back to work!

Hank's Unmentionable Problem [1.06] [edit]

Peggy is dreaming about Hank's funeral.

Bill Dauterive: He looks like an angel. A dead angel.

Boomhauer: (crying) Hey man talk about that dang ol' why, why?!

Dale Gribble: It should have been Bill!

Peggy Hill: Oh, Hank. We never got a chance to talk about your problem. And now... we never will.

C. Everett Koop: Remember, early detection is the key. Now pass in your algebra homework.

Cotton Hill: Goodbye, boy. See you in HELL!

Cotton turns a toilet handle on Hank's headstone. Hank's coffin is sucked into the ground.

Nancy Gribble: (on TV) The temperature is a pleasant 70 degrees. And on a more personal note, I'd like to wish my friend Hank Hill a quick recovery from his embarrassing consti-

Hank changes the channel.

C. Everett Koop: -pation.

Hank Hill: (While constipated and watching his dog poo outside) Showoff.

Hank Hill:"Don't touch me. I'm on the John."

Westie Side Story [1.07] [edit]

Hank Hill: What the hell kind of country is this where I can only hate a man if he's white?

Peggy Hill: Do you... do you think my feet are too big, Hank?

Hank Hill: No, hon. Just... more of you to love.

[He takes a step forward towards her, like an on-screen embrace]

Peggy Hill: Ow.

[Hanks looks down to see he's stepping on Peggy's feet]

Hank Hill: Oh, sorry.

Minh Souphanousinphone: Kahn, for once try not to piss off neighbor.

Hank meets Kahn for the first time.

Hank Hill: So are you Chinese or Japanese?

Minh Souphanousinphone: No, we are Laotian.

Bill Dauterive: The ocean? What ocean?

Kahn Souphanousinphone: From Laos, stupid! It's a landlocked country in South East Asia between Vietnam and Thailand, population approximately 4.7 million!

Hank ponders this for a few seconds.

Hank Hill: So are you Chinese or Japanese?

Kahn Souphanousinphone:: D'oh!

Hank Hill: He thinks just 'cause I'm from Texas that means I'm a redneck. Chinese people and their stupid stereotypes!

Dale Gribble: They'll use a blowdart; that's their way. You'll just think its a mosquito bite until you die, then you'll know.

Kahn Souphanousinphone:: I could just stay home, order a bucket of chicken and watch Hee Haw; same thing [as going to the Hills' for dinner].

[Minh has just lost $13 to Peggy playing Boggle.]

Minh Souphanousinphone:: Thank you for Boggle lesson, Peggy Hill. Maybe next weekend I teach you mahjong. Bring your checkbook!

Shins of the Father [1.08] [edit]

Cotton discovers that Bobby began a sexist riot at his school.

Cotton Hill: Bobby, I'm proud of what you did at school today....So I'm buyin' you a hooker!

Hank thanks Cotton for bringing a horse ("Oh Dad, you didn't have to do this.")

Cotton Hill: Well, you know me-- I'm larger than life.

Cotton tells the story of how he was injured in WWII: "I was 14, just a little older than Bobby. But I knew Uncle Sam needed me, so I lied and signed up. We had beat the Nazzys in Italy, and they shipped me to the Pacific theater. A Tojo torpedo sent our troop ship to the bottom. I could only save three of my buddies: Fatty, Stinky, and Brooklyn. They were kind of like you fellas [to Bill, Dale, and Boomhauer], only one of them was from Brooklyn. Out of the sun came a Tojo Zero and put fitty bullets in my back. The blood attracted sharks. I had to give 'em Fatty. Then things took a turn for the worse. I made it to an island, but it was full of Tojos! They were spitting on the U.S. flag! So I rushed 'em, but it was a trap. They opened fire and blew my shins off. Last thing I remember, I beat 'em all to death with a big piece of Fatty. I woke up in a field hospital, and they were sewing my feet to my knees."

Bobby Hill: [Speaking to Joseph about Connie]: Oow. She's moody. Must be PBS.

Peggy the Boggle Champ [1.09] [edit]

Peggy Hill: (crying) I am so stupid!

Hank Hill: Aw, you're not stupid. Heck, you're smarter than me.

Peggy Hill: Oh, big deal.

Hank Hill: Well, you're smarter than anyone else in Arlen.

Peggy Hill: Well, whoop-dee-do. I am the smartest hillbilly in Hillbillytown.

Hank Hill: I-I'm trying Peggy. I just... hey, you know, Coach always used to say something that would fire us up when we were behind.

Peggy Hill: Yeah, what?

Hank Hill: LOSER! YOU'RE A LOSER! ARE YOU FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF?! WELL, YOU SHOULD BE CAUSE YOU ARE DIRT! YOU MAKE ME SICK YOU BIG BABY! BABY WANT A BOTTLE?! A BIG DIRT BOTTLE?!

Peggy Hill: (crying) Why are you yelling at me?

Hank Hill: Uh, well, I'm trying to be your coach. I... It's... It's inspiring.

Peggy Hill: Well, thank you, cause I feel worse than ever.

Hank Hill: Well, it worked for the team.

Peggy Hill: No, It didn't. You went to State and lost.

Hank Hill: Ah, jeez. I think I need one of those $8 beers.

Keeping Up With Our Joneses [1.10] [edit]

Hank Hill: Is this John occupied? Esta es Juan occupado?

Bobby Hill: Si.

Joseph Gribble: Dad, I'm sorry! I'll never smoke again.

Dale Gribble: Whoa, hold on, son! I want you to keep an open mind so you can make an informed decision. If you want, you can read a bloated government report on smoking or go straight to the horse's mouth and get the facts from the tobacco industry.

Hank Hill: Dangit Bobby, if you're gonna do something wrong, do it right!

Hank Hill: Uh, I got to go do some stuff. I think I might have left the blender turned on.

Peggy Hill: (to Bobby) Only trailer trash smokes nowadays. Do you wanna look like trailer trash?

Luanne Platter: (crying) That's not fair! I don't smoke!

Peggy Hill: Aw honey, just cause you grew up in a trailer park and your momma's in prison does not mean you're trash!

Peggy Hill: Uh, Hank, there is a "tile" in the bathroom that I think we missed.

Hank Hill: Really? Well, I better check that out.

Hank goes into the bathroom, sees a cigarette, smokes a few puffs, then returns to the kitchen.

Hank Hill: Heh-heh-heh. Well, I found the "tile" — thank you very much, Peggy — and I looked at it but there's still some more "tile" for you to look at.

Peggy Hill: You know, I think I will save the rest of my "tile" for after breakfast.

Bobby Hill: Will you stop talking about your stupid tile?! If it's so dirty go clean it, and if it's clean you can shut up!

He stubs out his breakfast sausage as if it were a cigarette and leaves the table.

Hank Hill: (at a cold turkey support group meeting, glaring at the counselor) I got the strangest feeling someone's gonna kick his ass.

Kick the Butt Club Counselor: Hey, there, why don't you tell us your name and how long you've been smoking.

Hank Hill: Uh, I'd rather not.

Kick the Butt Club Counselor: I understand. It's not easy to admit we're weak.

Hank Hill: You're calling me weak! Look at your little bird arms, they're no bigger than a cigarette. I could smoke them things.

Kick the Butt Club Counselor: It's beautiful how you came out to support your daddy.

Bobby Hill: I'm a smoker, too.

Everyone gasps.

Kick the Butt Club Counselor: How long have you been addicted to cigarettes?

Bobby Hill: Since my dad let me smoke a whole carton.

Hank Hill: Wait a minute, I didn't let him, I made him. It was a punishment.

Bill Dautrieve: Can I get a new buddy?

Audience member: What is wrong with him?

Kick the Butt Club Counselor: You are sick, sir! You shouldn't be allowed to have children!

Hank Hill: Now hold on a minute here. I didn't bring my family here to be yelled at. I don't think I like this club. You all whine too much, and the coffee's bad. I'll tell you what you need to do. You need to take a thirteenth step... down off your high horse!

Luanne Platter: Here's to three of the bravest individuals in all of Arlen. To the Hills and their tobacco-free future!

Hank Hill: My God, are you still talking?

Bobby Hill: Why's my potato got skin on it? I hate skin!

Peggy Hill: I will not sit here and have my work insulted. Do you think the potatoes just fly into the bowl?!

Luanne Platter: I know y'all don't mean none of those harsh words. It's just the nicotine withdrawal.

Hank Hill: Why is she still talking?!

Peggy Hill: Look at us. At each other's throats. And after all we've been through. This family has survived fires and twisters and every strain of flu the orient could throw at us. Well, we are not going to be done in by a lousy tobacco leaf.

King of the Ant Hill [1.11] [edit]

(Note: the following quote comes from a deleted scene.)

Kahn Souphanousinphone: Put on shoes, hillbilly!

Kahn Souphanousinphone: Where I come from we got this thing called karma. You do something bad, it come back and bite you in the ass! Big, white, stubborn ass!

Bobby Hill: (Hypnotized by the Queen) ...YES... ...MY... ...QUEEN...

Hank Hill:(Said to Dale Gribble after he mistakenly thought Dale had died from a poisonous ant attack) You gave your life to save my son. I guess that makes us even for you ruinin' my lawn. What am I saying? Of course, it makes us even!

Plastic White Female [1.12] [edit]

Bobby:(Talking to a mannequin head) "You look really special tonight."

Peggy and hank talking after catching bobby kissing the plastic head, arguing with one another: Peggy: "this is all your fault, you sent him to that camp with no stall doors!" hank: "me? your the one who always sat his ass in front that T.V. for god sake, with all that crap on there? you got pigs kissing frogs( referring to the Muppets), what you expect to happen?"

The salsa music playing during Bobby's 'seduction' of the plastic head is Discarga Criolla by Ray Barreto.

Season 2 [edit]

How to Fire a Rifle without Really Trying [2.1] [edit]

Hank is taking Bobby to the gun club

Bobby Hill: Wow, I always thought this was a crack house.

Bobby: Can I put a gun rack on my bike?

Hank: Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to ask me that?

Hank Hill: Why don't we get you into one of those safety courses and if you're still interested after they've taken all the fun out of it, then we'll see about the ponchos and the... uh... tournament.

Dale: Guns don't kill people, the government does.

Peggy discovers that Hank is not skilled at shooting a rifle.

Peggy Hill: I still love you!

Texas City Twister [2.2] [edit]

Hank Hill: Six AM and already the boy ain't right...

Hank Hill: Don't play mind checkers with me, man. I'm not in the mood.

Dale Gribble: This tornado is already at a level two on the Fujimata(sic) scale; that kind of tornado can throw an egg through a barn door; two if one is open.

Dale is driving the Dead Bug with Boomhauer on top of the vehicle, heading for the tornado

Dale Gribble: All right, twister. It's just you and me now. Ten years ago you took my shed. [the twister's image is reflected on his shades] Did you think I'd forget that? Come on, bring it on! [a raindrop hits the windshield] GAAHH!! No! Please, let me go! [Dale panics, and the Dead Bug veers out of control]

Hank is stopped by decontamination workers that are trying to clean up the barrel of ant poison.

Hank Hill: Come on. [honks horn] Come on! Let's go! Move that truck! [a worker walks towards his truck] My wife is stuck in Shining Pines.

Decontamination Worker: I'm not authorized to drive the truck, sir.

Hank Hill: My wife is in danger, damn it! Now make something happen!

Decontamination Worker: [blows whistle] SECURITY!!!

Bill walks over to Hank's truck.

Hank Hill: Bill, thank God! Make this idiot let me pass.

Hank Hill: What did I do to deserve this? I didn't mean to curse my wife to Hell!

Hank looks at a worker with a vacuum walking towards the container. Lightning flashes and Hank sees in the worker's place the Grim Reaper for half a second, then reality returns.

Hank Hill: [worried] Ohh...

Hank switches the gear into drive, and floors it. The tornado is rapidly approaching Shining Pines.

Hank Hill: Ahhh... AAHH!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!

Bobby attempts to get an egg thrown through a brick wall via the force of an F-5 tornado after Dale's story of such an occurrence.

Bobby Hill: This is the chance I've been waiting for!

Bobby throws the egg and it flies back into his face.

Hank:You're tough, Bill.You're the toughest Army barber I know.

Dale:Set your mousse to stun, there, Bill.

Nancy is reporting on the tornado.

Nancy Gribble: Mention your home was destroyed, and get a free 5-pound bag of onions.

The Arrowhead [2.3] [edit]

Hank Hill: Fine. But I think you owe my lawn an apology. *pauses* We're waiting!

Hilloween [2.4] [edit]

Dale is wearing a suit for Halloween.

Dale Gribble: Booooo! I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist, peddling influence! Who wants candy?

Peggy: Luanne and Bobby are at Junie Harper's house

Hank:[Nearly chokes on his beer before swallowing] I came very close to spitting out beer!

Luanne: Halloween is a satanic holiday. It was invented by the Dru-ish.

Jumpin' Crack Bass[2.5] [edit]

Hank: Maybe I should tie the long hair on your head to the short hair on your ass and kick you down the street!

Hank: Dale, you giblet-head, if you were gonna cheat, why'd you buy a frozen bass?

Dale:" I had a coupon for it."

Husky Bobby[2.6] [edit]

Bobby: Are you taking me to the vet?

Bobby: Hey I'm dressed like a football coach! You call that a block?!

Bobby: Dad, a man took pictures of me!

Hank:(finding Luanne in bed with a boy) I'm in a crisis situation here, I gotta go find Bobby. You two take turns kicking each other's asses.

The Man Who Shot Cane Skretteberg [2.7] [edit]

Dale Gribble: I thought we agreed to never discuss the horrors we saw on the killing fields of the Family Fun Center.

Cane Skretteberg: I don't care how many guys you held in the men's room, you still can't beat us!

Luanne: This is a great Xerox of you!

Bobby: Hey his scoop's bigger.

Pops: And there's doodies in there, right!?

The Son That Got Away [2.8] [edit]

Hank:(Shouting to Bobby stumbling around on the roof) It's a roof! Not American Bandstand!

Dale: When I need to correct Joseph, I tell him he's adopted.

Bobby Slam [2.10] [edit]

Peggy Hill: Did a woman ruin the Supreme Court?

Hank Hill: Yes, and that woman's name was Earl Warren.

Bobby Hill: (about an athletic cup) This cup has holes in it. How am I supposed to drink out of this?

Doug the basketball coach: Bounce a ball in hockey?! Well that's a mandatory drug test right there!

Wrestling Coach: Shouldn't you be teaching the girls about their monthlies?

Connie: I wanna go to a party school! Yeah, Chico State!

Bobby: Some of the older ones have some breasts!

Bobby: Can I have some Gatorade now?

Clark Peters: Hey, Bobby, if you don't beat Connie, we don't know what we'll do. So you better beat her!

Bill: I'm all for lady's wrestling. Except when they do it in pudding. That's just demeaning to the human beings who make pudding.

The Unbearable Blindness of Laying [2.11] [edit]

Bobby Hill: (Stereotypical Yiddish accent) Blind he's gone now!

Hank:Where's my finger?

Bobby: Are you a war hero like my biological grandfather?

Bobby: That is so Arizona!

Gary Kazner: There's a uh, what are those things called?--A semi, a demi, a coupla-dozen-wheelers.

Bill:I would never join a religion that restricted my diet. I don't want to get into heaven that way.

Hank: It seems the other eye compensates by shutting itself down. It's one of nature's wonders.

Hank: I'm not gonna be blind forever you know. And the second I see some ass I'm kicking it. Now no more making fun of my blindness.

Bill: Okey doke. Bring! Bring! Phone for you, Hank [takes off shoe and gives it to Hank]

[Everyone laughs but Hank]

Hank: The joke's on you, funny man.

[Hank throws the shoe out of the room. Ladybird chases after it while dragging Hank with her]

Meet the Manger Babies [2.12] [edit]

Luanne: OK Luanne, how do they get out of the closet? (gasps) Ohhh, No, that won't work.

Hank: (whispers) Jimmy the lock with a coathanger.

Luanne: What? I don't... I can't... hmmm, what?

Hank: (whispers) Jimmy the lock with a... (sighs) uh, (out loud) I'll save you, Manger Babies.

Luanne: You will?

Hank: Yes, uh, cause I'm the assistant manager of this movie theater. I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories and you are fired.

Luanne: (as the Manger Babies) We're free, we're free, whoo.

(audience claps)

Luanne: Thank you, assistant manager. Me-how can we ever repay you?

Hank: By never forgetting this lesson. Sneaking into the movies is wrong. As wrong as spilling juice on a new carpet.

Minister: Bravo, bravo.

Nancy: You know Luanne really shouldn't waste this kind of talent on church. If you want, I could show this tape to my boss at channel 84. He's always looking for quality children's programming and home videos of things blowing up.

Peggy: Well, Luanne really could use a boost right now, but I could not take advantage of our friendship like that, no.

Nancy: Oh, Peggy, honey. This is show business. That's what friends do.

Snow Job [2.13] [edit]

Buck Strickland: Got-dangit Hank, I'm having an infarction!

Three Days at the Kahndo [2.15] [edit]

Dale: I'm too pretty to go to jail!

Hank's Dirty Laundry [2.17] [edit]

Hank: It says here I owe $40 and that can't be true. I always bring back my tapes. Look for yourself, I've returned The Great Santini 23 times.

Store Clerk: Okay, Hank Hill, June 23rd. Yeah, you rented and never returned Cuffs & Collars.

Hank: I've never even heard of that. Have you?

Peggy: Nuh-uh. Unless it's got the name Merchant, Ivory, or Billy Crystal above the title. I am not interested.

Bobby: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. They're buying me a movie for my birthday. That's why we're here, right?

Luanne: Really, Bobby. They haven't said anything.

Hank: Bobby, you ever heard of a movie called Cuffs & Collars?

Bobby: Ooh, I think that's the one with the two cops who don't get along, but then they do, but it's too late, cause he's dead, but not really.

Hank: So you've seen it?

Bobby: No.

Hank: How about you, Luanne.

Luanne: (nods no)

Bobby: Oh no. You're not getting a movie, Bobby (laughs). You are so smooth.

Hank: No, we didn't rent it. So if you could please erase the $40 and penalize yourself whatever you think is fair, we'll be on our way.

Store Clerk: I am sorry, but the computer won't let me erase anything until you either return the tape or pay the $40.

Hank: I told you I didn't rent the tape, now who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I wanna know whose ass to kick!

Store Clerk: I'm not calling you a liar, sir.

Hank: Fine. Now where's the ass on this thing?

Peggy: (sighs) I need a dryer, Hank. Just pay for the tape.

Hank: Absolutely not. I won't pay for someone else's screw up. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if that tape was sitting on the shelf right now. Where would Cuff's & Collars be, Action Adventure, Action Comedy, Action Action?

Store Clerk: Make a left.

Hank: Okay. (realizes he's in the adult section and he rushes out) BWAHHHHH!

Boomhauer: I'll tell you what, man, you talkin' about dang ol' cuffs and collars, man, it's all, like, chik-a-chik-a-pa-chik-a.

Dale Gribble: Computers don't make mistakes. What they do, they do on purpose. Right now, your information's being fed into every computer mainframe, satellite, laptop, and supermarket scanner that make up the Global conspiracy known as...The Beast.

Dale Gribble:Who's not a quitter? My dead friend Hank Hill or my new friend Rusty Shackleford?

Hank: (phone rings) Strickland Propane. Taste the meat, not the heat.

Matt: Hank?

Hank: Speaking.

Matt: How ya doin'? It's Matt.

Hank: Oh, hey, Matt. How ya been?

Matt: Pretty good. Pretty good.

Hank: Uh-huh.

Matt: So, how's, uh, Peggy?

Hank: Uh, she's fine, and how's uh, do I know you?

Matt: Hank, if you like Cuffs & Collars, you're gonna love Rugburn, Too and by Rugburn, Too I mean Rugburn also. Rugburn II isn't very good.

Hank: What? But, who is this?

Matt: You know, Matt, from Consenting Adults, the country's largest supply of mail order adult entertainment. How many can I put you down for?

Hank: Zero. God, please, watch your mouth. This is an interstate phone line. How did you get this number?

Matt: Not important. What is important is that we have a bigger selection and lower prices than Arlen Video.

Hank: What?! Arlen Video told you I rent pornography?! Uh, (Sees Buck Strickland and his co-workers and gasps), who plays the most hits? Y104! Heh, okay. Ah-heh, crazy morning zoo.

Leanne's Saga [2.19] [edit]

Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt: Mama got outta prison! ( runs to the garage)

Peggy Hill: (gasps and drops Ladybird's food dish in shock) Oh, I knew it! I just knew it! I told them medium security would not be enough to hold that woman!

Luanne Platter: No, she didn't escape, She was released! She's coming to visit on Saturday!

Hank Hill: Uh...she's coming here?

Luanne Platter: Oh, I can't wait to tell Daddy! Oh, we're gonna be a family again! (excitedly exits the garage)

Peggy Hill: I will tongue-kiss Bill before I let that tramp in my house!

Bobby Hill: Whoa.

Hank Hill: Yeah, I was all set to start a TV cabinet on Saturday, but it's gonna hafta wait a day. Luanne's mama is coming to visit.

Dale Gribble: (spits out his beer in shock) That woman is a menace to society.

Bill Dauterive: Well, I dunno, I never met the lady, but she did her time.

Boomhauer: I tell you what, ain't no dang ol' lady 'bout her man. She get all liquored up man, all comin' on strong an' pawin' me like a dang ol' animal, man. I tell her "no means no!"

Hank Hill: Yeah, Leanne is bad news I tell you what. Peggy's brother was all set to marry a pretty pharmacist gal until Leanne "entertained" at his bachelor party. [sighs] So he marries Leanne and after 18 years of drunken hell, she stabs him with a fork.

Dale Gribble: I never thought I'd say this, but, I don't think I can finish my beer.

Peggy Hill: Honey, marriage is about trust and she...well she betrayed him. It was like a knife in his heart when she stuck that fork in his back.

Leanne Platter: Oh, you have such a lovely home here. Of course if somebody turned on a fire hose it would all be ruined.

Hank Hill: Hey, Leanne. How's that job search coming along?

Leanne Platter: Not so good. My best reference just went in for chemical castration.

Bill is announcing his engagement to a drunk Leanne.

Bill Dauterive: We're engaged!

Leanne Platter: It was supposed to be a surprise! (punches Bill and burps) I need a smoke!

Bill Dauterive: This is the happiest day of my life!

Luanne is showing off her platinum blonde wig.

Peggy Hill: I will not have you running around all glammed up like Phyllis Diller!

Luanne Platter: You're not my mama! Mama is my mama!

Peggy Hill: Luanne, you are never gonna see her for who she is. Well, I am sorry, but I have not got time for pain. The next time that woman breaks your heart, I'm not gonna be waiting there to say "I told you so."

Luanne is begging a drunk Leanne to stop being provocative at Leanne's engagement party.

Luanne Platter: Mama, please!

Leanne Platter: Will you quit callin' me that?! I might be 34.

Leanne is about to stab Buckley with a fork when Peggy stops her.

Peggy Hill: Excuse me, ma'am, but that was my fork.

Dale Gribble: Poor Peggy, she's dead.

Peggy Hill: Leanne, whether you like the title or not you are this girl's mother. She has been waiting her whole life for just a shred of attention from you. But you don't even know how to return a fraction of the love you get from your child or even from your man. I hope someday you can live without alcohol, but until that day we can all live very nicely without you.

Leanne Platter: I kicked your brother's ass and I will kick yours too, sissy!

Peggy Hill: Well, there's one thing you didn't count on. My brother has got size 6 feet, but I don't! Ho-yeah! (throws Leanne to the ground with her feet and kicks her)

Leanne steals a truck and leaves.

Bill Dauterive: If she doesn't come back, that means she and I weren't meant to be and if she does come back, well then...then I'll call the police.

Life In The Fast Lane, Bobby's Saga [edit]

Hank:Bobby, if you weren't my son I'd hug you.

Writchard: Bobby, I need a soda!

Bobby: Yes, Mr. Writchard.

Writchard: Not that way! Just run across.

Bobby: But the track?!

Writchard: Don't back-talk the boss man! Ain't you ever cross the highway?! Run where there ain't any cars!

Bobby: They're going too fast!

Writchard: Do it you- you monkey boy! I'm the boss of you!

Hank: What the hell. BOBBY NO! What are you doing?

Bobby: I'm going to cross the track and bring Mr. Writchard a soda.

Hank: That's crazy! Why would you do something like that?

Bobby: I'm giving 110%, Dad.

Writchard: Go-to here, Go-to boy. I want a soda! Go-to now, you!

Hank: BWAAAAAHHH!!!

Announcer: There's a crazy man on the track!

Hank: BWAAAAAHHH!!!

Announcer: Oh, and there goes Gordon into the wall!

Pit crew guy: You're up!

Dale and Bill: Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Yeah!

(Hank panting)

Writchard: Ah! (laughing) You can't get me!

Hank: BWAAAAAHHH!!! (breaks the caged fence and chases after Writchard)

Writchard: (screams)

Peggy's Turtle Song [2.22] [edit]

Bobby Hill: There's some milk in the fridge that is about to go bad....and there it goes.

Bobby Hill: There are 96 ridges on every checker...except this one.

Unidentified feminist singer:
I met a guy in my boxing class
and I slept with him before I kicked his ass!

Part I:Propane Boom [2.23] [edit]

Boomhauer: Hey man, is this dang ol' 911? Hey listen, there's a dang ol' fire in here, and dang ol' Mega-Lo-Mart went boom!

911 Operator: Sir, you are going to have to speak a lot more slowly.

Boomhauer: Dang... ol'... Mega-Lo-Mart... done git went got it, and dang ol' boom!

Peggy: HAAAAAANNNNNKKKK!

Bill: CHUUUUUCCCCCKKK!

Mega Lo Mart Employee: Buckley and Luanne are in there!

Hank: MEGA-LO-MART?! WELL WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO TO HELL AND WORK FOR THE DEVIL?!

Luanne: Good thing I don't have dangerous brain powers, or right now you'd be in a thousand little pieces!

Season 3 [edit]

And They Call It Bobby Love [3.2] [edit]

Bobby: (With his pants pulled up, in heavy Yiddish accent) "What are you talkin' about?"

Peggy's Headache [3.3] [edit]

Peggy is trying to think of new musings for the local newspaper.

Peggy Hill: Mix pineapple juice and club soda, and you've got yourself a big bucket of crap.

From Peggy's newspaper article.

Peggy Hill: You hear the expression "Lie like a dog" so much it is almost a cliché.

Peggy Hill: Well, well, well Jo-hon Redcorn.

John Redcorn: Oh, Peggy. Nancy's headache's very severe this morning, um... must be the pollen.

Peggy Hill: Well, well, well.

John Redcorn: Well.

Peggy Hill: Jo-hon Redcorn.

John Redcorn: Pe-eggy Hill.

Nine Pretty Darn Angry Men [3.7] [edit]

Cotton Hill: I'm goin' down to the corn dog shack to watch the girlies make lem-o-nade.

A Fire Fighting We Will Go [3.10] [edit]

Hank walks in the room with a food dish.

Dale Gribble: Whatd'ya got under the foil Mr. Party Pooper, some party poop?

Hank Hill: "Heck, I thought I'd go ahead and sharpen all the axes."

Dale Gribble: (singing) "Hank's a lumberjack and he's OK..."

[Boomhauer is telling the Chief what happened in his POV, everyone except him is talking Boomhauer-style]

Dale Gribble: Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' detector, man, government take away freedom of smoke, talkin' 'bout yo, man.

Hank Hill: Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' boy ain't right, man, talkin' 'bout kick your ass, man.

Boomhauer: (speaking clearly) For God's sake, Hank, act like an adult. And keep it down, guys, will you? I am trying to get through an article on vintage Camaros, and I've been on the same dang page for twenty minutes.

Bill: Dang ol' pretty pretty pizza, man, I tell you what.

Heck Dorland: "I got bad news men. Chet Elderson died. Natural causes." (Bill farts while his butt is hanging out the top of the fire pole) "Oh, for cryin' out loud!"

[Bill has just been hit in the face with a hot Frito pie]

Bill Dauterive: My face hurts.

Hank Hill: And it'll match your ass when I'm done kicking it!

Three Coaches and a Bobby' [3.12] [edit]

Hank Hill: Bobby, I didn't think I'd ever need to tell you this, but I would be a bad parent if I didn't. Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking.

Bobby Hill: Why do you hate what you don't understand?

Hank Hill: I don't hate you Bobby!

Bobby Hill: I was talking about soccer.

Hank Hill: Oh yeah, I hate soccer.

Coach Sours: You little pantywads think you're ready to play the Wolves again? The Wolves eat razorblades for breakfast! Run, you bunch of pudgy-butted softies! Run, with your fancy sneakers, with pumps, valves and lights on the back that can set off a seizure! But what do you care? I ran around the world in a pair of Chuck Taylors for the love of pete! Take a salt tablet.

Coach Sours: I'm gonna ride you guys so hard your gonna wish you were all dead! I'm gonna chew ya up spit ya out take a big dump on top of that and then i'm gonna get tough! LETS ROLLLLLLL EM OUT!

Hank Hill: Boys, the Welton Wolves have already left their mark on this bridge. Now, what does a cougar do when a wolf comes into his neck of the woods?

Bobby Hill: Beats him in football?

Hank Hill: Yeah, that's where I was gonna end up.

Hank Hill: God bless America on three...One...two...three

Team & Hank Hill: Gooooooood bless America!

Coach Sours: Hey, butter ball, drag the body back!

Hank Hill: Soccer was invented by european housewives as a way to keep busy while their husbands did the cooking

Peggy Hill (To a group of soccer moms): If we were in Canada you ladies would be snooty Quebecoise.

The Wedding of Bobby Hill [3.14] [edit]

Kahn sees the fake wedding between Luanne and Bobby and believes it is real.

Kahn Souphanousinphone: Minh come quick! Bobby Hill marrying hillbilly cousin. You owe me five dollars. In your face!

Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt: Uncle Hank! Bobby's trying to get out of marrying me!

Hank Hill: Bobby, you cut that out!

Bobby: "Dad! I've gotten Luanne pregnant!"

Sleight of Hank [3.15] [edit]

Bobby:(Bobby is presenting Jesus' miracles in the form of a magic show) Now, "for my next trick, I'm gonna need a large wooden cross and a couple of volunteers..."

Love Hurts and So Does Art [3.18] [edit]

Bobby Hill: I've got gout!

Hank's Cowboy Movie [3.19] [edit]

Dale: "I killed eight gophers last year and a purebred Tennessee walking horse that was looking at me funny."

Dog Dale Afternoon [3.20] [edit]

Dale Gribble: Boil up some Mountain Dew; it's gonna be a long night.

Dale Gribble: Hank, you were right! The Cubans have my mower!

Dale Gribble: They wanted to see me wet my pants from fear... but they're too late!

Hank Hill: You are officially the coolest.

Hank tells Dale to come down from a clock tower before someone gets hurt.

Dale Gribble: Too late, I killed Shackleford! No...wait, correction, Shackleford wants a pizza.

Nancy Gribble: Hey, whatever turns you on, that's what I always say.

Revenge of the Lutefisk [3.21] [edit]

Bobby Hill: I'd like a one-way ticket to Mexico por favor. That means 'today.'

Hank Hill: What's that smell?

Cotton Hill: Look for the man with the terrible smell!

Cotton Hill: I'm an old man. Everybody already hates me. But Bobby is just a child; he has his whole life ahead of him. ... If I could take a bullet for my grandson, I would. Just not in the face; that's how I make my livings.

Cotton Hill: " ah Leave it to a woman to turn god's house into a love shack."

Wings of a Dope [3.23] [edit]

Dale: (After a trampoline falls on his foot) "Aah! This is a sign that we have been playing God with Buckley's trampoline and now God is playing God with us, and He's a whole lot better at it. I refuse to touch this portal to hell!"

[Hank is hanging around Buckley's trampoline. Dale peeks out his window and yells:]

Dale: Run, Hank! Portal to Hell!

[Dale quickly closes his curtains.]

Season 4 [edit]

Part II:Peggy Hill: The Decline and Fall [4.1] [edit]

Didi is handed G.H., the baby to which she just finishing giving birth.

Didi Hill: What's his name?

Hank Hill: Y'know dad when you call him "good Hank" it's gonna make me sound like bad Hank.

Cotton Hill: Well you burnt my burger didn't you B.H.?

Bills Are Made to Be Broken [4.3] [edit]

Bill: (Trying to put on his old football helmet) Hank, how did my head get so fat?

Little Horrors of Shop [4.4] [edit]

Carl Moss: We don't have money for all these fancy teaching aides... like wood.

Hank Hill: You know, the Carl Moss I knew wouldn'-

Carl Moss: Give it a rest, Hank. All parents care about these days is zero-tolerance drug policies and literacy. "Why can't Johnny read?" "Why can't Johnny read?" God, that gets old.

Hank: But Carl, shop is the foundation of all learning. And I'll tell you what, a youngster with a tool in both hands has no hands left to do drugs.

Carl Moss: (exasperated) They'll just put the tools down if they want to do the drugs bad enough.

Hank: Using a saw for a weapon makes about as much sense as using a gun to cut a two-by-four. That's how my dad built my treehouse... how he cleaned it, too.

(Hank has stated that he won't be able to continue teaching shop)

Hank: But that shouldn't stop you from pursuing your own dreams of wood, plywood, pressed fiberboard, and, if you've got the talent, metal! Y'see, shop doesn't have to happen in any special place - as long as it's well lit, and the outlets are grounded. Because shop is bigger than any classroom, or garage, or stupid policy that makes tools illegal - it's in our hearts.

Aisle 8A [4.5] [edit]

Connie is trying to explain her problem to Hank

Connie: Well, um, you see, uhh...

Hank: What?

Connie writes something on paper and hands it to Hank

Hank: (Reading the note) 'Mr. Hill, I just got my first period.' Bwaaaaah!

Peggy: 'Hank do you want to be in Charge?'

Hank: 'No.'

Not In My Backhoe [4.8] [edit]

(After viewing Bill's huge septic tank)

Hank:"It's a shame we have to put her in the ground."

Dale: I am the hoe master! Watch me hoe! (nearly runs over Hank and Bill and damages Bills' wall)

Hillenium [4.10] [edit]

Dale enters his basement and sees that his hamster has eaten all of his food stores.

Dale Gribble: How could you do this to me Puff-puff

Dale Gribble: My gerbil screwed me!

Chappy: I live in a shack, I poop in an outhouse, I eat what I kill.

Hank Hill: There isn't a Mrs. Chappy, is there Chappy?

Part I: High Anxiety [4.13] [edit]

Luanne Platter: (sighs) Mr. Strickland's wife is beautiful.

Hank Hill: That's NOT his wife. That's Debbie from work. Pretty girl like that should have been able to get a date. (Peggy looks at Hank)

---

Hank Hill: The "S" stands for service. The "T" is for trust. (Mr. Strickland and Debbie make out) "R" is for reliability. (doors are heard opening and closing) Now the "I", that stands for...

Woman's voice: Jackass! (camera turns to doors. It's Miz Liz, Mr. Strickland's real wife.) (Mr. Strickland stops making out with Debbie and gasps)

Hank Hill: No, heh, heh. It's for integrity. That's not even the right letter.

---

Mr. Strickland: Not now Miz Liz. We're in public.

Miz Liz: YOU ARE IN PUBLIC WITH THIS LITTLE BIMBO...IN FRONT OF HALF OUR CHRISTMAS CARD LIST! (notices Debbie's earrings) Are those my mother's earrings?!

Hank Hill: "C" is for compassion....

Miz Liz: I WANT YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE!!

Mr. Strickland: But Miz L...

Miz Liz: AND OUT OF THE LAKE HOUSE!!

Mr. Strickland: The Lake House?

Miz Liz: Please forgive me for stealing your thunder Hank. Please continue. (Miz Liz leaves the room)

Hank Hill: Okay now, where was I?

off-screen voice (possibly Thatherton): How about "D" for done?!

Part II: High Anxiety [4.14] [edit]

Bobby Hill:: Dad! Dad, the police are lookin' for you!

Hank Hill: (whispering to himself) Oh, god! Debbie's hippie roommate turned me in for smokin' narcotics!

Peggy Hill: Haaaank!

Buck Strickland:I like to hump, I like to eat, and I don't like to drive.

Hank: I am inducing vomiting!

Hank: How long does it take Debbie to throw in a load of laundry? I really need to talk to her.

Debbie's roommate: She should be right up. Debbie said you were gonna... HEY!

Hank: No, we were not. It was a trick.

Debbie's roommate: Is $300 too much for a Hot Wheels VW Purple Evil Weevil?

Hank: (sighs) Yeah, I could use one too.

Debbie's roommate: Damn, the ebay auction closed. I lost my weevil.

Hank: Dang it. Could I get a light off yours? Huh, that's a funny looking cigarette. You roll it yourself?

Debbie's roommate: Yeah.

Hank: You got a weak flame on this thing. (Hank breathes it and coughs) This isn't one of them clove cigarettes, is it?

Debbie's roommate: No man. That's the chronic, from Mexico.

Hank: Huh, damn NAFTA. It's clearly an inferior tobacco.

Debbie's roommate: So, does your wife party too?

Hank: Party? Uh, we throw a party for Fourth of July and Labor Day.

Debbie's roommate: No, I mean party, you know. Get high. Get stoned.

Hank: BWAHHHHHHH!

Naked Ambition [4.15] [edit]

Luanne: My class was cancelled and the library was closed. I love college.

Dale is talking to his pet turtle.

Dale Gribble: C'mon, I'm not leaving without my kiss. I can wait.... I can destroy you.

(Reading math word problem)

Bobby: Mrs. Johnson's bag has six puppies. Mr. Peterson's bag has minus four puppies...

Joseph is crouched down, his face is pressed against the door handle.

Joseph: Why don't your doors have keyholes?

Bobby: You're really starting to creep me out, now go home!

Bobby shoves Joseph, who hits the door and makes a noise and runs away. The door opens. Bobby gasps.

Luanne: Bobby, it's perfectly natural to want to see a woman naked, but I am your cousin. Now, the first time was an accident, but if I catch you again, you are going to hell.

Bobby sees Joseph outside in the bushes.

Bobby: Are you crazy? We're going to get caught. I could go to hell!

Joseph: I can't help myself. I've got a monkey on my back and it wants to see Luanne naked!

Dale Gribble: Hey you, crazy guy. I'll give you a smoke if you trade clothes with me.

Dale Gribble: Infiltration of mental hospital complete. Proceed to phase two; exfiltration of mental hospital.

Dale tries to open a locked door.

Dale Gribble: Apparently this door has some kind of anti-opening device.

Dale Gribble: ...which is why so many people are suddenly allergic to peanuts. The peanuts are emitting toxins as an evolutionary defense mechanism. They're tired of being eaten, and now they're fighting back.

Psychiatrist: I see.

Dale Gribble: Anyhoo, I just stopped by to pick up my buddy Boomhauer. You see, we're both in here by mistake. Now I can't vouch for Boomhauer, but I am most definitely not crazy.

Psychiatrist: Go on.

Dale Gribble: Did you just say, "Go Mom"? Now who's the crazy one?

Bill: (In a self-help class in a mental hospital) It's just that in the alley, no one cares what I have to say, but here, I feel heard and accepted and dare I say... loved?

Dale: We gotta get out of here. The smoking breaks are too short, the food is good at best and the anti-depressants are making my mouth dry and happy.

Bill raises his hand.

Bill: (shouting) Can I get some glitter please?

Bill: Why don't we just call Hank?

Dale: No. Hank must never know we were in here. Our society stigmatizes the mentally ill... and rightfully so, these people are nuts!

Hank: (Hank realizes he's all alone and sighs. Then he sees Khan starting to build a fence.) Hey Khan. I thought I heard someone mixing concrete.

Khan: Oh, that's right. I'm building fence. Big fence. Eight feet tall between your house and my house.

Hank: Eight feet huh? Yeah, you see Khan, in this neighborhood, side fences have to be 5'6 or under. It's not in the code or anything, it's just something I'm trying to enforce.

Khan: You really want to help me, Hank Hill? You keep your dirty little boy's hands off my innocent genius daughter!

Hank: Now what's that supposed to mean?

Khan: Last night, I catch Bobby half-naked in Connie's room!

Hank: Bobby?!

Khan: The truth about your little boy not so pretty after all, is it, Hank Hill?! He girl-crazy sex-fiend!

Hank: Well, that boy's gonna get a talking to, I tell ya what! (Hank walks away and secretly laughs) Whew.

Luanne Platter: Aunt Peggy, Mister Kahn saw me naked!

Joseph: (driving by on his bike) Oh man!

Movin On Up [4.16] [edit]

Dale Gribble: The only thing your roommates (ie: enemies) will understand is fear (ie: psychological warfare (ie: dirty tricks)). It worked for Dick Nixon. For example, get ahold of some goat's blood. Taint that blood. Then when your roommates need blood, give them the tainted goat's blood. It's a perfect plan.

Luanne: I don't want to hurt anyone... I just want them to do the dishes.

Dale Gribble: Oh, well in that case stack the dishes in the shower. That's the way Nancy gets me to do them.

Hank: So you found yourself a project. Do you get the same, uh, high I get from lawn care?

Won't You Pimai Neighbor? [4.18] [edit]

[Peggy and Hank are practicing how to like Kahn and Mihn]

Peggy: Let's practice. I'll be Kahn. [clears throat] You are a dumb redneck!

Hank: That sounds more like Mihn.

Peggy: [still imitating Kahn] Well, leave my wife out of this hillbilly!

Hank: [chuckles] He, he. I wish they'd move.

[Dale's finger is stuck in Bill's beer can]

Dale: "Let go of my finger!"

Bill: "You let go of my beer!"

Dale: "So help me, Bill don't mess with my trigger finger!"

Bill: "Oh, what are you going to do, shoot me with my beer? I don't think so!"

Peggy sees a bumper sticker reading; 'My child is an honor roll student.'

Peggy Hill: Oh yeah? Well my child is God to billions of Asians!

Meet The Propaniacs [4.20] [edit]

Joe Jack:"Baby did a bad, bad thing."

Bobby Hilll: "..Not like butane and those other bastard gasses."

Nancy's Boys [4.21] [edit]

[Hank can't take Dale, Bill, or Boomhauer to a restaurant because Peggy wants it to be only a couples night out. The single trio sigh, but Dale realizes he has a wife]

Dale: Wait a minute. I have a wife; We're a couple! [starts doing a martial dance while singing] I get a free meal! I get a free meal! [to Hank] He, Ha.

[Hank sighs]

Dale Gribble: Wait a minute. Every time I leave, you call John Redcorn. I know what's going on here. Your headaches are a desperate bid for my attention. But what do I do? I pawn you off on some Indian healer so I can have my Dale time at the gun club, or breeding show turtles, or on the Internet investigating unexplained phenomenon. God, I am so selfish!

Dale: "Aw, I've been at John Redc- uh, the gun club ... playing Russian Roulette."
Nancy: "Did you win?"
Dale: "You're not familiar with the game, are you?"
Nancy: "No..."
Dale: "Yeah I won."

Flush With Power [4.22] [edit]

Hank installs a low-flow toilet and flushes twice.

Hank Hill: Still?

Hank's lawn dies due to a drought and Bobby tries to help.

Bobby Hill: Dad! I just took a thirty second shower and I'm gonna dry myself off on the lawn!

Kahn attempts to explain why his lawn is so green during a severe drought.

Kahn Souphanousinphone: I use secret Asian watering technique! I could spit in a thimble and water Central Park.

Hank is offered low flow toilets from water meter reader guy.

Hank Hill: Well, I don't know. My toilets have given 15 years of dependable service. I'm not one of those guys who turns 40 and runs out and buys fancy new toilets.

Hank Hill:..But, unfortunately, in the real world, where things don't flush like they do in the movies...

Season 5 [edit]

The Perils of Polling [5.3] [edit]

Dale: "That makes a whole lot of sense... A whole lot of nonsense!"

I Don't Want to Wait for Our Lives to Be Over... [5.4] [edit]

Kahn: [Answering a knock at the door] Use doorbell, you idiot. [Kahn opens the door and sees Joseph standing there] Connie, it's for you!

Connie: If it's Bobby, slam the door in his face!

Kahn: Oh, I wish it was, so I could!

Minh: Boy, that little hillbilly pack quite a wallop. You want some neproxin?

Joesph: No, I'm okay.

Minh: How did tall, dark, and handsome get butt-kicked by short, fat, and redneck?

Joesph: [sighs and stares at Minh and kisses her]

Connie: Joesph? [Minh is laughing] What's going on?

Minh: Oh, you so cute. Kahn gonna get a big kick out of this.

Connie: Joesph? How could you? [throws a towel at him and runs away]

Joesph: Sorry, I just... I thought you liked me.

Minh: Oh yeah. You rock my world [laughs]

When Cotton Comes Marching Home [5.6] [edit]

Didi Hill: Sorry I'm late; I had to take three buses to get here: one to get here, one to go back and get G.H., and one to get here.

Yankee Hank [5.10] [edit]

Hank Hill: It's your fault I was born in New York and I can't drive my truck and I tried a bagel and actually liked it. No, no more lies -- I loved that bagel!

Hank Hill: Well, If I was adopted, it means my real dad could be anybody. Hey, maybe even Tom Landry. I do have his strong hand and love for the flex defense.I wonder if I would've called him Dad or Coach, ah, who am I kidding, it would've been sir.

Dale Gribble: Uh huh, before we sue the Landry estate for child support, I'm gonna need your social. (Hank types in his social security number while Dale semi-inconspicuously tries to look at it) Now we download, enter, 9%, 57%, 100%. Huh, Hank are you standing on the cable? It says here your birth parents were Tilly and Cotton Hill.

Hank Hill: Well, I guess that's a relief. Least I can keep loving my mom. Let me take a look. Place of Birth: New York, New York! BWAHHH!

Hank and the Great Glass Elevator' [5.11] [edit]

Bill: "Can't a man get his own Ranger Dog?"

Hank: I'm gonna kick your asses!

Dale: Why is it always about asses with you, Hank?

Now Who's the Dummy?' [5.12] [edit]

[Dale has hired Octavio to destroy a puppet that frightens him. Octavio spies on Hank and Bobby while Dale spies on Octavio.]:

Octavio: (Into a tape recorder) 11:15 A.M.: The man and the boy and the puppet leave the house.

Dale: (Into a tape recorder) 11:16: Octavio speaks into tape recorder, thus leaving crucial evidence, stupid idiot! Octavio must be gotten rid of!

[Dale opens his glovebox and moves a pistol aside. Then he takes out a notepad and begins to write.]

Dale: Dear Octavio, this is the hardest letter I've ever had to write...

Dale: (After inhaling chloroform) You wouldn't hit an unconscious ma- (passes out)

Ho Yeah [5.13] [edit]

Hank Hill: The only woman I'm pimping from now on is Sweet Lady Propane. And I'm tricking her out all over this town.

[Trying to act like a pimp while confronting one.]

Hank Hill: Alright, man, get outta that Jalopy and let's talk some bui'ness!

Hank Hill: You get the hell outta my 'hood!

Hank Hill: You get out... your hooker stuff... of my house!

[Realizing the pimp realated stuff going on]

Hank Hill: Son of a... BWAAH!!

The Exterminator [5.14] [edit]

Dale: "Turbines!" (NOTE: He is in a air vent filled with roaches, he promptly rotates and kills several)

Luanne Virgin 2.0 [5.15] [edit]

A sleeping Hank is awakened by a telephone call at home.

Hank Hill: Uhh...Strickland Propane, taste the...I mean, hello?

Luanne Platter: Uncle Hank, I quit being a virgin the first time I had sex.

Hank Hill: Peggy...I can see your whatnots.

[Hank learns that Peggy had sex with another man before she got married.]

Hank: Bwaaah!!!

Peggy: He's gay now, if that makes you feel better.

Hank: BWAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Peggy: Of course it doesn't.

It's Not Easy Being Green [5.17] [edit]

Boomhauer: (To Bobby) "Hey man, your daddy quotes me? Hey man, maybe we'll stay mad at Hank for just one week." (Versus three)

Hank: Why couldn't it have been me and Boomhauer that did something horrible to you guys?

Bill: 'Cause Boomhauer's a saint.

Hank's Back Story [5.19] [edit]

Dr. Tate : Mr. Hill, you have no ass.

Hank: You want me to wear a fake hiney?

Dr. Tate: Mr. Hill, are your shoes fake feet?

Cotton Hill: Good God, Hank. Yer wearin' butt boobies!

Diminished Glutes Support Group: [Chanting at race]: We're here! No rear! Get used to it!

Kidney Boy and Hamster Girl: A Love Story [5.20] [edit]

Dale: (When Dale's Porta Potti collapses while Hanks's in it) "He's a squatter!"

Senior#1: (Enters the boys' bathroom with his friends while Bobby is washing his hands) "Ha. Hey, Fresh meat, This is the seniors bathroom. I'm gonna shove your head in the toilet".

Season 6 [edit]

Bobby Goes Nuts [6.1] [edit]

Bobby Hill: That's my purse! I don't know you!

Bobby talks about his new penchant for kicking people in the groin.

Bobby Hill: Hey, I didn't go looking for trouble. Trouble came-a-knockin' and Bobby Hill's foot answered the door.

Bill Dauterive: I wish I had a son to kick me in the nuts.

(Dale suddenly kicks Bill in the groin)

Dale Gribble: Be careful what you wish for.

Bobby: I kicked my dad in the crotch.

Connie: You kicked your father? We all have those feelings, Bobby. But, we never act on them.

Kahn: (Talking to Bobby) I heard what you did to Chane Wassonasong -- unforgivable! But then I hear what you did to your father -- very funny. So I'm conflicted.

Peggy Hill: Uh-huh, That's right, Bobby. I believe you will find that I have no testicles. Where's your secret weapon now, huh?

Kahn: She bluffing! Finish her!

Bobby Hill: Um, alright guys. The girls aren't here, you don't have to pretend to be tough. Oh! (Chane pushes him to the ground)

Come on. Uh, I live next door. All I have to do is scream and my dad will be on you like flies on pie.

Chane Wassonasong: If you eat some dirt, then maybe I'll leave you alone.

Bobby Hill: But, I don't want to eat any dirt. Well, maybe just a little. (He pretends to eat dirt) Yum, that's good dirt.

Chane Wassonasong: You didn't eat any.

Bobby Hill: DAD! DAD!

Bobby Hill: I'm sorry, Mom. It was a reflex. (Peggy jumps on him, then noogies him) Mom, okay! I said I was sorry! (groaning)

Soldier of Misfortune [6.2] [edit]

Dale Gribble: If you want to elect me, Dale Gribble, president of the Gun Club, running on the Save-Your-Sorry-Ass platform, say "aye."

Dale Gribble: (holding a plate of macaroons, small macaroons on one side, large macaroons on the other side) Macaroon? I've got entrance wound size, and exit wound size. (The small macaroons are called "entrance wound size", and the large macaroons are called "exit wound size".)

Dale: "Pocket sand!" (tosses sand in the eyes of his attacker)

Lupe's Revenge [6.3] [edit]

Peggy is giving her testimony to a Mexican court, in Spanish.

Peggy Hill: (subtitled): Your honor, I can tell you are a reasonable horse. I am very pregnant because of what happened with Lupe. She ate my bus accident and all I wanted was to make Lupe into a book. I have too many good anuses ahead of me to spend my life in a cigar factory.

The Father, the Son, and J.C. [6.4] [edit]

Hank is trying to choose a Christmas ornament.

Hank Hill: How about this one?

Cotton Hill: Peace!? I bet you would like that! Why don't you get one with a flag-burnin' on it? Besides, we're a Joy family.

Hank Hill: Dad, it's Jesus peace, not Hippie peace...

Didi Hill: I'm lucky. Cotton is so easy to shop for. Either he likes what I get him, and he's happy, or he hates it, and he shoots it, and he's happy.

I'm With Cupid [6.6] [edit]

Bobby: "I'm sweet on you, Connie! I'm your little candy man!"

Bobby: (When Connie referred to Bobby as 'just a friend) "Don't use the 'f' word on me, not me; This is your cuddle monster talking."

Stuart Dooley: (To Bobby) "You shot her in the eye."

Connie: "Oh, gross! You licked it!" (runs off, Joseph puts down his drink)

Joseph: (to Bobby) "What are you doing? You're ruining my party." (takes Bobby's toy bow)

Bobby: (to Joseph) "What?! You wouldn't even be having this party if it wasn't for me. You'd just be sitting alone going, 'Dude, like, eh... I'm so bleah."

Joseph: "Come on. Get..." (tries to push Bobby out)

Bobby: "Watch it. You're pulling off the wings! Let go! I'm not leaving! I am not leaving unless Connie leaves with me." (Bobby now gets in, trying to hold his grip onto the couch, but Joseph and the boys grab Bobby, removing his fingers, carry him, and throw him over the fence, cheering. Bobby grunts)

Unfortunate Son [6.11] [edit]

Bill is attacked by Dale's new pet falcon who appeared to have flown away.

Dale Gribble: Oh, he found his way home.

Dale instructs his falcon to retrieve him a vole and it immediately attacks Bill.

Dale Gribble: ...so Bill's a vole.

Tankin' It To The Streets [6.13] [edit]

(Kahn tries to drive his SUV in his garage, but it's to big to fit inside.)

Hank: "Where are you going to keep it, smart guy? It doesn't even fit inside your garage.

Kahn: "Uh, Maybee I keep garage inside SUV! (laughs) Kiss my ass!

---

Dale: "It said P-lacebo... it must be made by P-fizer"

Dale: "Gentlemen, the crap has literally been scared out of me."

Of Mice and Little Green Men [6.14] [edit]

Dale is talking to Joseph.

Dale Gribble: You're like E.T., except E.T. was a purebred alien with a heart of gold. You're only half-alien and at times can be a tad self-absorbed.

A Man Without a Country Club [6.15] [edit]

Kahn is talking to Ted Wasonasong, who mysteriously wants to talk about Hank.

Kahn Souphanousinphone: What do you want with that chicken-fried loser?

Dale Gribble: What happens if my tee shot lands on a bird's back and he carries it out of bounds but then is attacked by a larger bird who grabs the ball and drops it in the hole? Is that still a hole-in-one? Because that's how I'm going to play it.

Hank Hill: Dang it, Dale. It already happened once. What are the odds of it happening again?

Bill Dauterive: I've never had a caddy before. I'm gonna treat him like crap.

Beer and Loathing [6.16] [edit]

Dale drinks a tainted beer and suffers the consequences.

Dale Gribble: Step on it, Bill! I don't know which way it's coming out, but it's coming out!

Dale Gribble: I don't mean to sound racist, but this by far is the best selection of beans I have ever seen. I'm serious.

Fun with Jane and Jane [6.17] [edit]

Hank Hill: No, you are not tripping, that is an emu.

My Own Private Rodeo [6.18] [edit]

Dale believes his father is hitting on his wife. Thus, he throws a knife and hits a mannequin near them.

Dale Gribble: Get away from my wife or next time I'll aim for the mannequin and hit you.

Dale talks to the audience at a gay rodeo.

Dale Gribble: Attention homosexuals and so called "bi"-sexuals.

Nancy Gribble: This is supposed to be my re-wedding to Dale! My second chance! Why is God punishin' me? (looks up with her arms in the air) Why, Shoog?!

Bug Gribble: : Oh my god, Hank! Are you gay?

Hank Hill: What?! No! I sell propane!

Nancy Gribble: So, are you really okay with your dad being gay?

Dale Gribble: Why would I have a problem with it? I've been friends with John Redcorn for years, and he's gay.

Sug Night [6.19] [edit]

Hank: Hey, John Redcorn.

John Redcorn: Hank.

Hank: Uh, yeah, John Redcorn, I had a dream last night. You got a minute?

John Redcorn: Come in. I'll brew some chamomile tea.

Hank: ...and the woman in my dreams, the one without the clothing, was not my wife. And needless to say that is not a dream I intended to have.

John Redcorn: My people believe that dreams of the unconscious mind trying to solve a problem with the conscious mind cannot. Is there anything unusual going on with you?

Hank: Nope. Everything's the same as it's always been for as long as I can remember. Yep, same old, same old.

John Redcorn: Is it possible that after 20 years of marriage, you're a little tired of your wife?

Hank: What?! That's crazy! Our romantic life is as good as the day we were married. It hasn't changed a bit. Yep, we've got a great routine. If I were bored of Peggy, I'd be having dreams in which I was bored of Peggy, not grilling naked with the neighbor's wife.

John Redcorn: (laughs) Minh.

Hank: Uh, no.

John Redcorn: It's Nancy? My Nancy? You're having dirty dreams about my sweet Nan-Nan?

Hank: Say, is that a new suede vest?

John Redcorn: Nancy used to like it when I kept the vest on during sex. Do you want it?

Hank: Oh, God!

John Redcorn: Here, take it! Take it all!

Hank: Bah!

John Redcorn: (crying)

Dang Ol' Love [6.20] [edit]

Marlene: I'm going to be honest with you -- I only understand about half of what you say. The other times I just nod and smile and wait for your pants to come off.

Peggy: Bill is picking on Boomhauer? He hasn't done that since he had hair.

Luanne: She's not coming back, honey.

Bobby: 'Course she is. She's Mr. Boomhauer's girlfriend.

Luanne: Let's see, how can I explain this...? You know how you can be happy eating vanilla ice cream day after day after day? Well, Mr. Boomhauer isn't just like that. See, he likes to try different flavors.

Bobby: But he can have a new flavor every day! He's dating the ice cream lady!

Luanne: Mr. Boomhauer had grown-up sex with the ice cream lady, and now he's dumped her. You're never gonna have ice cream again, Bobby.

Dale: We gotta do something. The alley was balanced before. A cool single guy, and a cool married guy. A loser single guy, and a loser married guy. Now it's me and three losers!

Bill: (To Boomhauer) I know how dark it is for you right now; curled up, lying in your own emotional vomit. You're in hell now, Boomhauer. And the only way out is through a long, dark tunnel. And you're afraid to go in, because there's a train comin' at you, carryin' a boxcar full of heartbreak. Well, let me tell you something: all you can do is let it hit you. And then try to find your legs.

Returning Japanese [6.21/6.22] [edit]

[Hank meets his Japanese half-brother, who looks astonishingly like him, for the first time.]

Hank: Bwaaaaaaah!!!

Junichiro: (In unison with hank) Braaaaaah!!!

Junichiro: I kick-a your ass!!!

Bobby: Good God! That is the biggest Hello Kitty store I've ever seen!

Junichiro: (To Hank) With all respect and honor, I would not be saddened if both you and your father went to Hell!

[After receiving a message with information about rampaging Cotton's whereabouts.]

Junichiro: It is one of the businessmen I exchanged cards with! See? Japanese politeness is surprisingly effective! He just saw shinless stranger boarding at train station. He say he buy train ticket and... dishonor pay toilet.

[After discarding Japanese politeness in favor of American ass-kicking.]

Junichiro: Look at me! Here come Ronald Reagan, Mike Tyson!

[Reading letter to Luanne.]

Hank: Hi, my name is Ladybird. I like long walks, my arthritis medication, and two cups of kibble a day. I'll try to outsmart you and get three cups, but I know you're too clever for that, Ms. Platter. (Giggles)

Luanne: I don't know, Uncle Hank. She did write this letter, and everything.

Hank: Trip's off!

Hank's Half Mother: This arrangement offered me many opportunities for difficulty.

Season 7 [edit]

Goodbye Normal Jeans [7.4] [edit]

Hank: (Upon Hank finding Bobby holding a Cheerleader uniform) There better be a naked cheerleader under your bed.

The Texas Skillsaw Massacre [7.7] [edit]

Hank Hill: You shut your got-dang mouth or I'll shove that Ditch Witch down your throat and dig a tunnel straight through to sunshine!

Big Jim: Ha ha, that's telling him.

Hank Hill: 'Felt good, too.

Dale Gribble: Back off, Hank, or Octavio will mess you up.

Octavio: Gribble, I don't care if he stays or goes. Where's the money you owe me, esse?

Dale Gribble: You heard him.

Big Jim: Take the first shot, Cochise. I love two things: building doll house furniture and kicking ass. And I don't see any no houses 'round here. You see any doll houses, Hank?

Hank Hill: No, I don't.

Big Jim: No you don't, that's right! What are you looking at, sport? Don't you eyeball me! Don't you eyeball a JUNKYARD DOG! ARF! ARF! ARF! NOW YOU GOT THE DOG BARKING! YOU GOT IT! YOU GOT IT! ARF! ARF!

[yells, bellows, suddenly grabs his chest and keels over]

A garbage truck has fallen into Dales tunnel just seconds after he's gotten out.

Dale Gribble: Now that we're up here, what is so damn important?

Hank Hill:I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"

Bill Dauterive: You cut Dale's finger off for building a tunnel. I once made a vest out of your wife's underpants. I can't imagine what you'd do to me.

Police Office (thinking it's a domestic abuse situation): It always happens to the younger, prettier ones.

Dale Gribble: (Yelling at Hank) If it were up to you, you would have filled my buddy tunnel with cement, so no one else could use it! (Note the sexual innuendo/double entendre, based on context of scene).

Didi Hill: Hank has always been angry. When we were in kindergarten, and the other children would use the finger paints, he would pinch them.

Hank Hill: You are a BALD FACED LIAR!

Hank Hill(To Dale): It's gonna take a lot of hard work to repair this floor, and since this is all your fault, Mister, I'm not gonna let you help me.

Bobby Hill:Can I help?

Hank Hill:Yes, Bobby.

Dale Gribble:Objection, Conjecture, Objecture!

Hank Hill: That's not even a word!

Mega Lo Dale [7.10] [edit]

Dale Gribble: I hear Mega Lo Mart is taking bids for a rat problem. Boy, that'd be a sweet gig. I could finally start paying for Nancy's health insurance instead of just telling Nancy I'm paying for it.

Dale Gribble: You still think it's rats. Well, don't beat yourself up, Hank, I did too until the evidence pointed to baboon.

Hank Hill: Baboon? Dale, don't tell Glidewell there's a baboon. It's not a baboon.

Dale Gribble: I know that. I won't bore you with the details, but bottom line: it's Chuck Mangione!

Hank Hill: Dale's losing it at Mega Lo Mart, Nancy. We need some traps for the rat, and a tranquilizer gun for... uh... also for the rat.

Dale Gribble: Well, that's the calculated risk you take when you release a mongoose.

(Dale and Chuck Mangione argue who's crazier)

Chuck Mangione: You let a mongoose out in the store.

Dale Gribble: You're living in a T.P. fort.

Chuck Mangione: Let's agree to disagree.

Boomhauer (In disbelief): Chuck Mangione. He's probably out there in Hollywood, you know, sticking his horn to dang ole Minnie Driver.

Boxing Luanne [7.11] [edit]

Luanne Platter: I closed my eyes and I was thinking of those stupid guys in my math class... oh, and the guy in the parking lot... and that volunteer pool cleaner who always comes by when I'm swimming.

Angela: Tell me about it. I once fell for a free breast examination in a bar.

Luanne Platter: Yeah, there's nothing worse than people not respecting you. Every time I get hooted at I have to take an hour of Tae Bo.

Hank Hill: Tae Bo, is that that new oriental way of moving your couch around?

Hank Hill: (after Luanne explains Tae-Bo): Oh, it's dancing.

Bobby Hill: Hmm. That sounds --

Hank Hill: No.

Luanne Platter: Guess who I ran into at the gym... Buck Strickland! He watched me do Tae Bo and he thinks I'd be a great boxer!

Hank Hill: Look, Luanne, I fought at the Y and trust me, you are no boxer.

Luanne Platter: Yea-huh. Friday at midnight in the bathroom at Sugarfoots, and I am going to stand up and fight and be respected just like you said.

Hank Hill: Luanne, the kind of women that box don't have 50 stuffed animals on their bed. Why don't you spend Friday night watching one of those movies you like, where the people fall in love and then one of them dies?

Angela: Men are never going to respect us. That's why we've got to use what God or the surgeon gave us to get what they got: Money.

Luanne Platter: So you'd do anything for money?

Angela: Or a car.

Vision Quest [7.12] [edit]

John Redcorn: Hank, this is an important ritual among my people. Don't half-ass it.

An Officer and a Gentle Boy [7.15] [edit]

Cotton Hill: In my day, the principal was the meanest sum-bitch God ever put on one leg. He'd lean on a desk with both hands, and swing his leg at ya! Then, when you were standing there shocked that a one-legged man had kicked ya...he'd bite ya!

Bobby Hill: The clock radio smells like my Game Boy, but it tastes like my library card. I wonder if it smells different when it's on...

Night and Deity [7.21] [edit]

Dale Gribble: Look at all those pests out there. I wonder if we'll ever win this war.

Sheila: Don't you just find the mating habits of animals fascinating? When a pigeon wants to mate, it makes this noise. Coo. Coo.

Dale Gribble: Interesting. When cockroaches want to mate, they flush all the air out their book gloves. It sounds kinda like (gasp).

Sheila: Coo. Coo.

Dale Gribble: (gasp)

Sheila: Well, it's getting late. You want to go downstairs. I got us a room, I'm warming up some brandy in the coffeemaker.

Dale Gribble: Wait a second. Are you attempting to know me?

Sheila: Dale, you're one of the sweetest, gentlest, funniest men I've ever met.

Dale Gribble: True, but Sheila, I'm married.

Sheila: It's just us tonight. (She tries to kiss Dale)

Dale Gribble: Oh no, Missy. There are 3 people here tonight. You, me, and my wife. I've taken two oaths in my life: One to the NRA, and the other to Nancy Hicks-Gribble. Nay, Nancy Hicks. I stood in front of God and all my friends, swearing to be an honorable and truthful man. So I'm not going to lie, I, I have felt a very small, insect-like attraction for you. But my wife is the greatest woman there ever was! I think you should go. (Sheila leaves) (pigeons cooing) Jeez, woman, take a hint. You heard me. I love my wife.

Season 8 [edit]

Patch Boomhauer [8.1] [edit]

Hank gives a toast at Patch's rehearsal dinner.

Hank Hill: Hank Hill, best man, Strickland Propane.

Reborn to be Wild [8.2] [edit]

Hank Hill: Can't you see you're not making Christianity better, you're just making rock and roll worse?

The Incredible Hank [8.4] [edit]

Dale Gribble: So it turns out I'm not the actual Dale Gribble, but a clone of him. The original Dale Gribble is a super-warrior from the year 2087. The second me, i.e. I, was created to help the first me fight the invading Mongol armies.

Hank Hill: Dale, that's asinine, and here's four reasons why. First, you're not gonna clone a super-warrior out of a guy who can't even win a thumb-wrestling match. Two, you've spent your life swearing that the robots will eliminate the clones by the year 2010, so which is it, robots or clones? Three, you've already said you sympathize with the invading Mongolians of 2087, so you'd be the last one they'd send to fight them. And four, if you were from the future, you would have seen this coming.

Hank punches Dale in the arm.

Kahn is watching the Hills through binoculars.

Kahn: Minh! Come quick! hillbillies having old-school squabble on the front lawn!

Mihn runs in with binoculars.

Minh: Oh, I bet she burn the meat loaf!

Hank: 20% SHRINKAGE?!

Minh: Why he point at crotch like that?

Hank: You want me to put a patch on my WHAT?!

Kahn: OK, this going in a weird direction now.

That's What She Said [8.10] [edit]

Strickland Propane has a plesant meeting after Rich is fired.

Hank: Okay team, gather 'round. I'm going to tell you about the new improvements on the Vogner 2800 series.The first thing is that it will smoke your meat. And it's got a nice big rack for your buns.

Enrique: Or wieners.

Hank: Or wieners. Why not?

Joe Jack: Fells good to say "wieners" again.

Donna: And "sausage".

Phish and Wild Life [8.12] [edit]

The park ranger wishes all of the hippies well as they finally leave the park.

Park Ranger!: Good Riddance! Go to Hell!

Après Hank, le Deluge [8.2] [edit]

During the middle of a flood, the town seeks shelter in the school gym.

Minh Souphanousinphone: Oh my god. This is just like when the city of Luang Prabang fell to the Communists! Only this time we can't steal political license plates and escape to Thailand.

Hank's Back (AKA The Unbearable Lightness of Being Hank) [8.7] [edit]

Joe Jack: How is your back, honey?

Hank Hill: Great Joe Jack, how is your gambling problem?

Season 9 [edit]

A Rover Runs Through It [9.1] [edit]

Hank Hill: Dang it, I am sick and tired of everyone's asinine ideas about me. I'm not a redneck, and I'm not some Hollywood jerk. I'm something else entirely. I'm... I'm complicated!

Little girl:( as she notices the cattle coming) Look, Mommy! Moo cow!

Death Buys a Timeshare [9.3] [edit]

While staying in a time-share condominium in Mexico, Cotton comments on the quality of the bottled water in the room.

Cotton Hill: They got the water what don't give you the hot poops!

Bill Dauterive(Bill's card has been denied) I've Got other Cards, Do you take Blockbuster

Yard She Blows [9.4] [edit]

Hank Hill: Why would anyone do drugs when they can just mow a lawn

Dale to the Chief [9.5] [edit]

Bobby is mocking Hank when Hank is mistaken as female on his driver's license

Bobby Hill: Now where did I put my pantyhose?

Dale Gribble: I'm all jacked up on America right now! Anyone want to hear me recite the Constitution?

It Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Neighbor Sings [9.15] [edit]

Dale Gribble: Bill! Bill, you have to be the stupidest man on the planet to think this is a good idea! Have you seen what you're wearing? That outfit makes you look like a sequined train wreck! Look at you! You're part of a twelve-headed jackass! This chorus is the feces that is produced when shame eats too much stupidity! You people make me envy the deaf and the blind! Guhbuh! Underwear! Money! Fat! Ngyuh... (Dale collapses)

Season 10 [edit]

Bystand Me [10.2] [edit]

Hank: I still can't believe Bobby cheated on his paper route. I don't even know know how to punish that.

Peggy: Well, the pressures of journalism can be very intense, even I have felt it. But today, I really knocked one out of the park.

Hank: Well, good for you, what's the hint?

Peggy: Okay, get this. I combined two common items in a powerful new way. I told my readers to harness the cleaning power of ammonia with the whitening power of bleach.

Hank: Ammonia and bleach? You told people to mix ammonia and bleach?

Peggy: Only if they want bathroom fixtures that shine like the sun.

Hank: Peggy, that's the recipe for mustard gas. Arlen will be covered with a cloud of poison

Peggy: BWAH!

Orange You Sad I Did Say Banana? [10.6] [edit]

Kahn: I will now tell stories of my childhood in Laos. Growing up in the village, I had two chickens. One of these was named "Phuma." I don't recall the name of the other chicken. Sometimes I would put both chickens in the wheelbarrow. This was very funny.

(Meeting a famous Laotian soldier)

Kahn: Hey, Minh, this guy serious butt-kicker! Anyway, I sorry they kill all your friends.

Nguk (soldier): Yes, that was unhappy for me.

(Kahn gives Ted Wassonasong his parading clothes back)

Wassonasong: I don't understand. How do you expect to parade around without your uniform?

Kahn: Oh, my parading days are over. (Wassonasong stares at him) It's like this, if you want someone to play golf with, give me call. If you want someone to feel guilty about the way they choose to live, call someone else!

Edu-macating Lucky [10.15] [edit]

Lucky: My father said he wouldn't get married until he became the Disputed Heavyweight Wrestling Champion of the World.

Hank: Uhhhhh. Did your father ever become the Heavyweight wrestling Champion of the World?

Lucky: No, neither he qualified for the weight. And my grandfather said he wouldn't get married until he spoke perfect French.

Peggy: Oh, I don't think old grandpa ever got past saying "Bonjour".

Lucky: Nope.

The Texas Panhandler [10.13] [edit]

Hank: Well I hate those pants more than life itself

Joseph: Oh man, he's really got it going on. Wait, did I just sound like a chick?

Season 11 [edit]

Grand Theft Arlen [11.8] [edit]

Hank is playing a Grand Theft Auto style video game called "Pro-Pain!"

Hank Hill: Ugh...I just stabbed a parking attendant! Uh, where's the "turn yourself in" button?

Hank Character in Pro-Pain!: I tell you what!

Hank Character in Pro-Pain!: Taste the meat and the heat!

Season 12 [edit]

Bobby Rae [12.2] [edit]

Bobby and all of his classmates are marching down the street protesting.

Old Man 1: Here they come to kill us. Oh well.

Old Man 2: I liked it when we could just stick 'em in factories.

Alejandro: We want a plane to Disney World. And 100 hamburgers!

Olivia: And we're not leaving until our demands are met!

The Powder Puff Boys [12.3] [edit]

Joseph is dressed as a Powder Puff cheerleader and is told to redress into his normal clothing.

Joseph Gribble: But I'm so pretty!

Four Wave Intersection [12.4] [edit]

Hank: Hey Bobby. How was the surf today? Did Boomhauer do his famous flamingo? That's when he stands on one leg, that's not easy to do, even on the ground.

Bobby: No, all he did was fall flat on his face and embarrass himself, and as by association, we didn't even get to ride the wave.

Hank: Boomhauer was embarrassed? <sighs> I don't know what the heck's going on here but someone needs to get their asses kicked.

Bobby: Finally. Yes. Thank you. It's time to kick their local asses!

Hank: Bobby, language. But, yes. I am going to kick their asses.

Death Picks Cotton [12.5] [edit]

Cotton:(After kicking down a wall Hank just finshed making) "That was in my way!"

Dale: (After blowing up the shack that Hank just built because Hank's father wanted it destroyed) "Yee-haw! That was for you colonel!" (Runs off)

Peggy: It's okay. I'm here, you can go now. Go, go into the light. The light is good. You can just let go now.

Cotton: Mr. Reaper, I'd prefer that you put your hood back on.

Peggy: Why won't you die?

Cotton: This was supposed to happen to you. You're worthless. You're not even good enough to be married to my worthless nothing of a loser son!

Peggy: Enough! Your son has always loved you despite your constant torture. You want to die alone? Fine. You want to keep coming back and never die? That's fine too. In fact, I hope you do go on living forever as the unhappy person you are in the hell you have created here on this earth. I hope you live forever. I really do.

Cotton: Do you now. (cackles, then dies as his heart monitor goes off)

Strangeness on a Train [12.19] [edit]

Lucky: Lucky is on the case. That's usually what I say when I drink beer, but this time it refers to this mystery.

Kahn: Lucky Kleinschmidt,it was you and Luanne wasn't it? You trying to get in as much hanky-panky as you can before she has her baby?

Lucky: Not that there's anything wrong with your premise but no, it wasn't us.

Luanne: We haven't done in public since Lucky almost fell off a Ferris wheel.

(Kahn trying to find out who had sex in a train lavatory)

Bill: I don't have an alibi.

Kahn: You're Bill Dauterive, that's your alibi.

Lucky: You really enjoyed yourself this evening, didn't you Aunt Peggy?

Peggy: (gasps) You know?

Lucky: Good for you. Happy Birthday Aunt Peggy.

The Accidental Terrorist [12.13] [edit]

Dale Gribble: Well, Joseph went to his first sleepover last night. Didn't go so well, he's a cuddler, so I had to go pick him up.

After Dale tells Hank he saw him driving away from the explosion:

Peggy Hill: (Whispers) Oh, Hank! You must cover your tracks! We'll have to kill Dale!

Bobby Hill: Dad, I'm confused. So you should trust people until they betray you, and then try to blow them up?

Life: A Loser's Manual [12.22] [edit]

Luanne: Normal people buy things with credit cards.

Lucky: Are you saying that Georgers are not normal people because they pay for things with cash?

[Hank is helping Lucky with his credit card application]

Hank: Here under employer you put Costco, you never worked for Costco.

Lucky: No, but Costco gave me the slip on pee-pee money for my settlement.

Hank: Pee-pee money is not an employment history and look, you left your social security number blank here [points to blank spot on Lucky's application].

Lucky: Oh, I don't have one of them social cards or a driver's license. My dad always said a man's wallet should only hold cash, razor blade and a lucky poker chip.

Dale: Gentlemen, I'm sure you recall my long dreamt dream about building a guard tower in my yard.

Hank: Dale, the zoning board has turned you down six times and the last refusal was with extreme prejudice.

Dale: True, but for a structure under 40 feet no variance is needed. Soon you'll live under the protection of my 39 foot guard tower! The zoning board has no say.

Hank: Dale, that is --[Dale cuts him off mid-sentence]...

Dale: NO SAY!

Hoyt: (giving Bobby a gift) Here's something for this kid of yours.

Bobby: My name is Bobby, Uncle Hoyt.

Peggy:[sings to the tune of "La Cucaracha"] La Peggy Hill cha, la Peggy Hill cha! Doin' dishes in the sink.

Hank: Well, we're doing great on our list, Lucky. Later today we'll go see my guy about a will, you want to make sure the right people inherit your debts.

Hoyt: I'll be back so quick you'll call me...Quickie McGee!

Hoyt:I'm a lot better now, here I owe you. [takes out some cigarettes from the pack and hands them to Lucky] See, on the oil rig, these are like money.

Lucky: Dad,were you in the state oil rig or in the federal?

Hoyt: Smart man. [lays more cigarettes on the patio table] That means we're like family. Say I got 10 cigarettes and you pay me 10 more for watching your back. Now how many I got?

Lucky: Twenty.

Hoyt: No! Only 15 cause I gotta pay a tax to the guard.

Lucky: Cigarette math is full of surprises.

Kahn: Inspector, fine this redneck for reckless redneck-itude!

[after Hoyt lands his 3rd strike and will be serving a lifetime prison sentence]

Luanne: I'm just sad that Daddy had to back to his oil rig again.[turns to Lucky] He would be so proud of you.

Hank: Well, he sure would but they really need him on that oil rig. Otherwise they wouldn't have given him a life time contract.

Peggy: Oil is very important to America.

Luanne: Even more important than propane?

Hank: Uh...yes Luanne. Oil is even more important...than propane.

Season 13 [edit]

Dia-Bill-Ic Shock [13.01] [edit]

Hank: Dr. Weissman, my friend Bill would like to register a complaint.

Dr. Weissman: Ohh, are you upset or something? I said you had diabetes, not cry-a-betes.

Bill: You told me I was going to lose my legs!

Dr. Weissman: No, I said your legs could fail one day, possibly. I-I never said anything that could constitute malpractice, other it's current definition.

Bill: Hmm, my legs work just fine. Isn't that inspiring! (Bill closes the door and starts beating up Dr. Weissman)

Hank: (to nurse) Uh, my friend is just, uh...

Nurse: I don't hear a thing.

Earthy Girls are Easy [13.02] [edit]

Hank: About that science teacher of yours, does he ever talk about, uh, going green?

Bobby: I don't know. Do you ever talk about propane? My point is, he talks about all the time.

Square-Footed Monster [13.03] [edit]

Ted Wasanasong: This was no act of god; look at those sledgehammer marks! It was the act of rednecks, on a drunken rampage.

Dale: (After they rebuild neighbor's house) We should do this to Bill's house when he dies.

Bill: What a nice lady. We used to talk about puppies and serial killers through the fence.

Lucky See, Monkey Do [13.08] [edit]

Lucky: I've seen a lot of nature documentaries and I find that most of life's questions can be answered with another question: what would a monkey do?

Hank Hill: Aw, you're (his new grand-niece) a cute one, I tell you what.

What Happens at the National Propane Gas Convention in Memphis Stays at the National Propane Gas Convention in Memphis [13.09] [edit]

[Looking for a party]

Buck Strickland: Son, what's the bad part of Memphis called?

Jody "Ray Roy" Strickland: Memphis!

Emcee: We're here to honor one of the giants of Texas propane, Mr. Buck Strickland. To introduce Mr. Strickland, his right-hand man, Hank Hill.

Hank: (Hank walks onto the stage drunk and knocks down the emcee) I'm not going to say, hell, I am going to say what I have been wanting to say. Buck Strickland is a monster, a drunk monster. Buck Strickland is nothing but a lecherous disgusting bastard-making bastard (slurred gibberish). And now I'm going to vomit. (he vomits on a guest's head)

Master of Puppets [13.10] [edit]

Dale: (Imitating Survivorman) There is no greater survival skill that the ability to start a fire without matches. Fortunately Arlen is rich in natural propane tank deposits.

Dale opens the propane nozzle. He tries to get his lighter to work. The tank explodes.

Kahn: Hey Hank Hill, I knew rednecks abandon cars and refrigerators, guess we can throw kids on the list too! Hahahaha!

Uncool Customer [13.12] [edit]

Bobby: Not one of [these girls] has seen my "Flatulent Monkey Visits the Post Office" routine!

Peggy has asked for a cassette tape at a CD store. A man walks up to the clerk who is assisting Peggy.

Man: Hey, do you have that song that goes, "Wah-nah-nah-nah-nah scroun-scrouna Wah-nah-nah-nah-nah scroun-scrouna?"

Clerk: (To Peggy) I gotta... yeah.

Serves Me Right For Giving General George S. Patton The Bathroom Key [13.15] [edit]

[Dale and Bill are wrestling over a beer can.]

Kahn Souphinousaphone: Chain-smoking anorexic vs. that heart attack waiting to happen! Who will die first...?

Cotton Hill: (In a letter) "Hank, if you're readin' this it means Fatty's dead. So I have to leave this task to the one most likely to screw it up: You."

To Sirloin with Love [13.20] [edit]

[The series' last lines]

Bobby: Well, Dad, it looks like this is the last one.

Hank: Oh, you're just getting started, Bobby. You'll be grilling your whole life.

Bobby: Just like you.

Hank: Yep.

Bobby: Yep.

Unidentified episodes [edit]

Hank Hill [edit]

BWAAH!
"You guys are something Hal'll never be. My neighbors."
"WHERE'S WADE? I WANT WADE! WHY AREN'T YOU WITH WADE? WADE!
"I'm gonna kick your ass!"
"I tell you what."
"Assistant Manager, Strickland Propane."
"Why would anyone do drugs when they could just mow the yard."
"I sell propane and propane accessories."
"Strickland Propane, taste the meat, not the heat."
"That boy ain't right."
"Dang it, Dale."
"Peggy, the boy."
"Ginseng tea? I'm not gonna get hopped up on dope!"
"Bobby, I want you to do two things I pray you'll never have to do again. Tape the Cowboys game, and give me an apron."
"You failed English? Bobby, you speak English."
"Boomhauer, I can't understand a word you just said... what with all that legalese mumbo-jumbo."
"An all-Texas Super Bowl... His will be done." (After Hank discovers that the Houston Texans will play in the AFC instead of the NFC.)
"That's asinine!"
(To Kahn, who is Laotian) "Damn Chinese and their stereotypes."
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
"Your mother is so ugly, it affects her self-esteem.
"Nobody makes cheese like the Americans."
"There's nothing sexier than a man with a 9 to 5 job."
(Distraught) "I don't know whether to laugh or vomit."
"For God's sake, close the door!"
"Dang it, Bobby!"
"Sweet Jethro Pugh!"
"You don't understand what a wallet is like. It's like money filled underwear!"
"Women don't like mind-games, Bobby. They like predictability."
(Trying to divert Bobby's attention away from witchcraft) "This is a carburetor. Take it apart, put it back together, repeat until you're normal."
"Shut the hell up."
"Don't play mind checkers with me!"
"I've got the strangest feeling someone's gonna kick his ass."
[under his breath, after Kahn has cussed him out in Laotian and stomped off] "Yeah, yeah, I'm a broiled ox penis."
[after a guy thanks Hank for blowing up the Mega Lo Mart in a sarcastic tone] I DIDN'T BLOW IT UP!!!
"I've seen this Dateline before. The guy sneezes into the meat."
"Got-dang-it!"
"No got-dang way!"
"It's Got-dang beautiful!"
"Thatherton!"
"You're outta line, twiggy!" (aka, Twig Boy)
[Bobby doesn't make the cast of Oklahoma] "You know, If you ask me, there might be a silver lining to him not becoming a dancing cowboy."
"Uh, you know, curve balls and such..."
"Uhhh, there, there."
"6 am, and the boy still ain't right."
(Livid) "Washington!!!"
"Bobby! Room. Now!"
"Bobby, Joe Jack! My truck!"
(Impromptu acting in the Manger Babies skit) "I am the Assistant Manager of this movie theater. I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories."
[Falls through floor, into tunnel Dale dug between their houses] "Dang cable company. I told them I didn't want a hole in my wall, and this is what I get!"
[In the motel room in Wichita Falls] "Bobby! Wash your mouth out with two or three of those little soaps!"
[To Bobby] "You can't be a running back just because your dad was. We fought a whole war with England over that."
[Distraught. Talking to Tom Landry plate] "Where did I go wrong, Tom?"
"This is a fix-it opportunity you only see in the movies."
"Bobby, Al Yankovic blew his brains out in the late 80s when people stopped buying his records."
[After the Mega-Lo Mart blows up] "I'm fine. Buildings explode. That's what they do."
[Asked by soccer coach for email] "My email is: footballisgreatsoccerisdumb.com"
"We gotta make it to Dallas before all the gangs wake up."
"Suffering is a part every religion. Look at what the Jews have been through, and you don't hear them complaining."
"I have never spilled a beer; not even to put out a grass fire."
"Bill, you just killed your whole yard.!"
"Hey, that's Todd!!!" (At the 4 Score concert with Bobby).
[To Bobby]: "Just because you wear a cape, it doesn't make you a hero. Actually, it detracts from it."
"You're all dressed up. You kids going to the dentist?"
[To Peggy at the Renaissance Fair] "Well, I guess if they burn you at the stake, they'll be using my propane. [To King Philip] You'll find it burns witches cleanly and evenly, and at a fraction of the cost of natural gas."
"Peggy, we're going shopping for the Super Bowl party, not your feminine items...Diet soda?"
(To water meter reader guy): I don't know. My toilets have given 15 years of dependable service. I'm not one of those guys who turns 40 and runs out and buys fancy new toilets.
"Okay, the hotel magazine says that the restaurant in the lobby makes the best fajitas."
"I've loved my dad no matter what. And there've been a lot of 'whats'..."
"Remember, head to feet, you won't cause a leak. Feet to head, everyone's dead."
(To Luanne) "Hey, why don't you spend Friday night watching one of those movies you like, where the people fall in love, and then one of 'em dies."
"That's crazy. Everyone's known about the millennium for almost a year now."
"You and your guilt trips, Boomhauer."
"You gotta take it one day at a time..like the drunks do."

Peggy Hill [edit]

"Ho yeah!"
"Oh, Peggy." (Self-compliment after saying something she finds amusing.)
"Hank has a narrow urethra."
"Spa-Peggy and meatballs."
"Mrs. Peggy Hill!"
"I AM Peggy Hill!"
"Carpay dam!"
(Her Fat Albert impression) "Hey, Hey, Hey!"
"And you know my opinion on monogamy. I am for it."
"Escuchemay?"
"With Hank, it's propane first, family second and friends third."
"In my opinion, kindling is the best way to start a fire"
"The day after Thanksgiving is, in my opinion, the busiest shopping day of the year."
(To her Spanish class) "Endele classe, pasame sus testes"
(To Hank, while Bobby is dabbling in witchcraft) "I want grandchildren! Can you fix this?"
"You've got my check, what do you care?!"
(When asked her name by a Spanish-speaking magician) "Maylamo Peggy Hill!"
"If there's one thing I learned at YWCA camp..You cannot save a drowning man."
(Imitating Hank) "'I am not unfond of you, I tell you what.' What kind of marriage proposal is that?"
"Hank, dinner's almost ready. I'm stirring in the cheese powder."
"Bobby can blow out all the candles on Hanukkah Eve and make a wish."
"(A Peggy 'Musing') "Although there is no 'L' in Christmas, there is NOEL." (Then Bobby nudges Luanne to laugh).
You can't find work as an astronaut in Arlen. Nut'uh. Not any more. (Regarding why the kids are leaving Arlen).
"Hank, why don't you go out and drink with the guys." (When Hank's upset)
"I'm subbing in Italian today." (Then Bobby explains that he had wanted an Italian sub).
"Children learn from imitating others. I catch the kids at school imitating me all the time."
"I am Peggy Hill, 3 years Substitute Teacher of the Year."
"My hairstylist was telling me that I am a lipstick lesbian. Apparently, that's the best kind."
"Explain the Pyramids. You can't."
"Uh-huh, That's right, Bobby. I believe you will find that I have no testicles. Where's your secret weapon now, huh?" (Then Kahn tells bobby to finish her. Bobby explains that it was a reflex. Peggy jumps on him, then noogies him as Bobby apologizes, groaning).

Bobby Hill [edit]

"...Okay..."
"I'm a little worried about being a slut."
"Dad, do you ever have sex anymore?"
"That's what boyfriends and girlfriends do. They see each other naked."
"I like Jeff Gordon, he's handsome."
"I just thought Jeff Gordon was a cereal box model."
"Hey dad, look at my poker face"
"My Sloppy Joe is all sloppy and no Joe."
"I could be a golf course drink girl."
"Dad, what did the men do while the women were out prostitute-ing?"
(About a soda machine) "You're the reason I'm so fat and lonely!"
(About a transsexual and Hank's football game) "I'm gonna remember one thing from today, either what sh-him just said or you winning the game.
(Screaming as the high school seniors try to give him a swirlie) "Aah! Put me down! My growth is stunted! My kidneys are broken! I'm REALLY a senior!"
(Connie tells him couples do the New York Times crossword puzzle) "Like Tony Randall and his wife!"
(At his soccer game) "I'm sick of this dang lawyerball!"
"You want I should come?" (From his 'Arizona' language)
"Has anyone smelled todays trash? And I thought yesterday's smelled good."
"Mr. Strickland got under more balls than a midget hooker!"
"There's a carton of milk on the fridge that's about to go bad ... (inhales deeply) ... and there it goes."
(holding a checker in front of his face, and surrounded by other checkers on the floor) "Every checker in this set has exactly thirty-three ridges ... except this one."
"I'm danged. I'm royally danged."
"THATHERTON!"
"I'm sorry, Mom. It was a reflex." (Peggy jumps on him, then noogies him) "Mom, okay! I said I was sorry!" (groaning)
"Watch it. You're pulling off the wings! Let go! I'm not leaving! I am not leaving unless Connie leaves with me." (Bobby now gets in, trying to hold his grip onto the couch, but Joseph and the boys grab Bobby, removing his fingers, carry him, and throw him over the fence, cheering. Bobby grunts)

Cotton Hill [edit]

(Greeting Peggy) "Hey, Hank's Wife."
"I killed fiddy men."
"Come and get your tootsie rolls." (After shooting Bobby's birthday piñata)
"I don't take no anesthetic. Do you think Abe Lincoln asked for any girly gas when they blowed his head off?"
"That's a good one, Hank's Wife. A woman fixing a car, that's like a pig trying to read!"
"Here you go, one Santy Anny's leg."
"Hank's Wife! Havin' a pancake supper over to the VFW. I'll need some pancakes... a couple hundred'll do. And all the syrup you gots!"
"Sorry I'm late. I had to stop by the wax museum again and give the finger to FDR."
"Waffles! Where's my waffles?"
"We'll see who can't drive their grandson at night without glasses or a license, using a mop to press the pedals."
(Talking about his urethra) "Mine's so big I could pass the child myself if I had to!"
"These is the keys to my Cadillac car. You know the rules: under no circumstances is the wife allowed in my Cadillac car... unless she's in a bag in the trunk."
(After smacking a waitress on the rump) "Hey missy! How 'bout some sammiches?"
"Whatcha doin', Hank's wife? Some kind of women's work?"
(After being scolded by Peggy for giving Bobby a loaded shotgun) "You don't give a toy without batteries."
"Ten-Four, Manimal!" (To Peggy)
(Peggy told Cotton that she hopes he lives forever in the personal hell he created for himself.) "Do ya now?" (Cotton dies right after this.)
(To Hank) "You can't control your wife and she's only half the man I am."
(At breakfast) "Woman works. Man loses his sausage."
"I LOST MY SHINS!"
(About Hank's line of work) "Pump jockey! Works for tips!"
(To Hank) "I guess we'll have to wait 'til tomorrow, when your gas station opens up."
(To Hank) "Bobby and me decided he ain't gonna be working at the family gas station. He's gonna stick vegetables up his nose."
(To Peggy) "Whatever you say, Hillary!"
"..but not in the face. That's how I make my livings."
(To Women's Lawyer Covention at Hotel Arlen) "Listen up, you house full 'a hookers. I'll be here next year. So don't go jackin' up your rates! I'll be staying at Hank Hill's house."

Didi Hill [edit]

"Hank, you still like finger painting?"
"Bobby, can you get me some lottery tickets?"
"Is my butt too small?"
(Looking for her baby) "Where did I put...(flatly) Oh, there it is."
(To Bobby) "This baby was an accident too, but if I forgot about it, it would never get born."
"I'm late for my parenting class. Luanne, will you give me a ride..and help me find the baby?"

Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt [edit]

"You know so much, and I know so little."
"I hate hate!"
(Taking a mock quiz, being asked if propane is flammable or not) Well, let's see, you can't eat propane..."
"My professor says I have the most potential of any Junior College student he's ever seen... and he invited me to dinner and drinks to discuss it some more!"
"If I had dangerous brain powers you'd be a million tiny little pieces right now!
"Function! Function, damn you!"
(After being asked how her beauty exam went) "Well, I passed lather, but I failed rinse... and then I failed repeat, because it includes rinse, which I don't think is very fair!"
(seeing a snake slither toward her) "It's coming to kill me! It knows I'm a Christian!"
"BTU, British Thermal Unit, no bacon, no bacon, no bacon."

"Aunt Peggy. The words I don't know could fill a dictionary."
"Gurgle gurgle."
"You can see the same stars over Shiney Pines that you can see here. Well, at night."

Dale Gribble [edit]

"SHI-SHI-SHAAA!"
"Guns don't kill people. The Goverment does"
"I never thought I'd say this, but I don't think I can finish my beer."
"Wingo!"
"S'GO!"
"S'GO! S'GO, S'GETTHERE! (Let's get there).
"My name is Rusty Shackleford."
"I am Mr. Shackleford's attorney, Rusty Shackleford. My client pleads 'Insanity.'"
"The Assault on My Home was a Hate Crime.Somebody Hates Me."
"I blame the media-blamers."
"Hank, It's 3AM and someone invades your home. You don't have a gun. How are you going to shoot him?"
[When Hank points out how pale Dale is, who beleives he is a Native American] "I am the albino buffalo. Deal with it."
"Either there's a crack in the driveway, or the Chinese are making their move."
"Whoa! Hold on, son! I want you to keep an open mind so you can make an informed decision! If you want, you can read a bloated government report on smoking, or go straight to the horse's mouth and get the facts from the tobacco industry." (He reads the aforementioned tobacco industry-funded report on smoking)
[After having a muffin knocked out of his hands] "My muffin!"
[After exhaling a puff of smoke] "My throat's on fire!"
[To Nancy] "At least we're going to die together. Peggy, you go die over there."
[Walking out of the animal control center, sees a squirrel] "Kill ya' later! Aww, what the hell?" [charges the squirrel]
[On the telephone] "How do I know it's Jack Ruby's hat? [pause] Well if I'm gonna spend money on it I gotta know if it's Jack Ruby's hat! [pause] OK, what colors does it come in?"
"You're asking ME if I have theories?"
"Squirrel tactics!"
"I will not negotiate with Mangione!"
"Huh. Kahn has a mother? I always pictured a pod situation."
"Hank and Peggy have been married 20 years. If their marriage were a murderer, he'd be out by now."
(In front of John Redcorn) "That's my boy! A real All-American. Arlen's native son."
You'll get a new woman soon, Bill. Remember, you scored with an older chick. You're The Man now. Ah, no, wait. I was thinking of high school. Sorry.
"EEEEEA!" (Jumps over fence)
"Gii! (jumps over fence).
(After rebuilding a neighbor's house) "We should do this to Bill's house when he dies."
"Officer, arrest that man. And make sure that his rights are roundly violated."
"I'd think he (Hank) likes being bossed around by women, if I didn't know better, which I don't."
(Says he's against Boomhauer and Bill's plan. They vote. He raises hand in favor). "Huh. I at least expected my vote."
[About Peggy messing up the lawn] "If she wants to screw something up, why doesn't she just stick with Bobby."
[To guy at DPS] "I am your worst nightmare. I have a 3-lined phone, and nothing at all to do with my time!"
"If you want, I can teach you how to make a bomb out of a roll of toilet paper and a stick of dynamite."
"Why don't you just take off Bobby's head!!!??? (Dale in his office phase).
"Bill, I didn't know you grew up in Cajun Country, and I don't care."
[Fighting over a bag, Dale reaches into his pocket, pulls out a handful of sand and throws it at the man to blind him] Pocket sand!
(Sprays Bill in the face with chemicals). Ant! You owe me five bucks."
(Reading his children's story) Bunny wasn't like the other AK47s. She was a gun that cared.
(Dale mentions The Gribble Report to Hank) "I almost hesitate to fax it to him" (Cotton).
"That music's been giving Nancy headaches all week. And last night her back broke out in scratch marks."
(Dale's rifle goes off, but it's just a BB-gun) " [chuckles] Next time it [the gun] won't be a BB.

Nancy Gribble [edit]

(In response to Joseph asking her whether or not Dale is his real father.)

"Of course! Why would you ask something like that? He's your Dad! He's your Dad, he's your Dad! He's your Dad! Okay!"

"I love Dale, but in a lights-on sort of way."
"But I don't want to die. I just want to read the weather!"
"Aww Shug, we're outta sugar, Shug!"
"I don't want to die! And I don't want to go to heaven with brown roots!"
(On air) "The National Weather Service has issued a tornado watch for the Tri-County area. This is not a test. Channel 84 doesn't play those sorta games."

Joseph Gribble [edit]

(After his girlfriend breaks up with him) "It's like my heart is a sad man!"
"It's all so stupid!"
(Answering Bobby's question) "Because I'm creepy and you're fat and kinda dumb."
(Suggesting what to do to the smoking bandit) "No way! Let's give him a swirlie!"
"This is so..sucks!"
"I've got a monkey on my back and it wants to see Luanne naked!"
"What are you doing? You're ruining my party."

Bill Dauterive [edit]

(Sobbing on his knees after he finds that his flag has been destroyed) "What kind of an animal would do something like this? A bear?"
"But, my life sucks!"
"Lenore! Lenore!"
"Why does everything I love run away from me?" (Hank replies with "Because you have to pet everything like an idiot!")
"Well, I think we all could use a bath."
(Dressed up like Lenore and talking in a high-pitched voice) "Why do you keep calling me 'Bill'?"
(Trying on his old high school football helmet) "Hank, how'd my head get so fat?"
"My dad used to punish me by telling me I was a girl. He used to make me wear a dress! Pretty, pretty dresses."
"I don't know what's going on, but this is like the part of the movie where I'm wondering why don't they just get out of the house?"
"Peggy! If I knew you'd be coming over, I would've put on some pants!"
(Leanne punches him after publicly announcing his engagement) "This is the happiest day in my life."
"Did you come to have breakfast with me because you thought I was lonely?"
(Referring to an I Love You letter written to him by wife Lenore) "I had to destroy it before it destroyed me."
(When Hank releases him from the mental hospital) "I don't know, I'm making real progress here, I want to stay a few more days." (Hank replies, "Get in the truck, Bill.") "My feelings are valid, Hank. I'm VALID!"
(After the garbage truck steals his new garbage can) "Everything I love is taken from me!"
"I'm so depressed, I can't even blink."
"I made most of my life decisions at a Foghat concert... I stand by them."
"Does this suit smell like embalming fluid to you?"
"Oh, gee Peggy, I'd love to help. But Tuesday's my ASS-SCRATCHIN' DAY!!!"
"(To Dale, Boomhauer, and Hank) I wish I had a son to kick me in the nuts. (Bobby kicks Hank in the nuts after a boxing match.) (Dale later kicks Bill in the groin.)
(Sobs uncontrollably, then stops) "I do love Christmas."
"..Bill gave us lice..blabbity blabbity blue... I suck."
"..And then the rash went away, and I could wear pants again."
(Referring to Ted Wassonasong) "Looking at him is like listening to smooth jazz."
(Drill Sergeant style) "I CAAN'T HEEAR YOU!!!"
"I always thought I had to be rich to be clean."
"What, is it so weird that I'm dating the Governor?"
(To Laoma): "That was the best description of a haunted meadow I've ever heard."
( Glances at his body)."Hey, would anybody recognize gangrene if they saw it?"
"That was 1976. In 1977, I did wear shoes."

Boomhauer [edit]

"Dang ol' Bill, man!!"
"Jus' sand in the wind, man."
"Yeah man, I tell ya what, man. That dang ol' internet, man. You just go on there and point and click. Talk about W-W-dot-W-com. An' lotsa nekkid chicks on there, man. Click Click Click Click Click. It's real easy, man."
"Gonna check out the ole Jennycam." (From above quote).
"Life's like a dang ol' Rubik's cube, man. You move all the colors around and when you get one side you mess up the other side, man."
(Doing an impression of Hank) "Man, Dang ol' Propane Propane Propane man!"
(As a ghost) "Dang ol' BOO, Man!"
"Talkin' about dang ol'... life's a journey, man."
(Repeating advice he was given earlier) "Beat the surfer, man." (He smacks a surfer with his surf board)
(To a 911 Operator) "Talkin' 'bout, Dang Ol BOOM!"
(To a tripping pigeon he's talking down) "Yeah, ya know, you did poop on my car, but, man, you know, we'll talk about that later."
"Yo."
"Dang ol' danged if you do, danged if you don't."
(After getting hit by a lid) "What the, dang ol' m'ear man what do you think you're doing man of...dang ol' fatty belt buckle man"

John Redcorn [edit]

"As a licensed New Age healer I feel obligated to tell you... that's just weird!"
"Hey, Bobby, you like to rock."
"Hey, what a co-inky-dink."
"I thought we said no bouncies!"
"The ball was wet... there was nothing any of us could have done."
"I have a gala..."
"I know, it's just that I've healed you three to five nights a week for many years."
(In response to Nancy calling Joseph Dale's son) "You say that now, but when it comes time to get him into college, let's see what box you check."
"Would you like an organic pop-tart?"(To Bobby when he was forced to babysit)
(After Dale asks him if his people celebrates thanksgiving) "We did...once."
(Rewrites suicide song for kids) "I want to... wash myself/ Clean my wrists/ Scrub my brains out."
"Nancy has a headache and requires treatment. We'll need about an hour, and a bottle of Asti Spumante."

Buck Strickland [edit]

(Directed at Bobby) "I used to chase skirt with your grand-daddy. He's a mean kind of funny."
"And try to find one that doesn't always ask 'What are you thinking about?' "
"And employees are supposed to wear pants, but I won't tell if you won't."
"Hey there, Ole Top."
"Thats my Italian scattergun."
"Got-dangit Hank"
"Soup is good food Hank, but keep your spoon in your own bowl!"
(Sees Hank with bleached hair) "Good god, Hank! You look like that fella killed the other fella."
"Hank, yer the quarterback in this panty raid."
(To brother) "You putting the squeeze on me really takes me back."
(To Hank, when told he needed to leave early for the Dallas Art Museum) "Oh yeah, the picture of your butt-pipe."

Kahn Souphanousinphone [edit]

"Your dog, she real slut!"
"Damn Rednecks!"
"Boy, howdy!"
"Turnkey operation."
"I can get promotion from systems analyst to lead systems analyst."
(After Peggy mistakenly throws baseball over fence) "Oh my god! You killed my Minh! Not really, but you really do suck, Peggy Hill."
(Chasing Bobby out of his house with a golf club) "Fat white lump!"
"You don't keep a Ferrari in the garage!"
"Something got to give, and it not gonna be my slip-n-slide!"
"The Hills have been married 20 years. That long time. Minh and I only married 13 years, but its quality not quantity that matter."
(Seeing the Hill's burn a pyramid of toilet paper) "Hey, hillbillies! Those aren't logs you know. Yeah, they for wipee-wipee."
(After Hank teases him for buying a new SUV too large to fit in his garage) "Maybe I park garage in S.U.V! Ha, ha, ha.... Kiss my ass!"
"Oh yeah! I always feel comfortable, wherever I go. My last name is actually Smith but I change it to Souphanousinphone when I move to Texas!"
"I call France whenever I want! France, Europe, huckleberry."
"I'm wearing a bikini made of suds!"
(To the tune of "Axel F") "Bev, Bev, Beverly Hills Cop, Bev, Bev, Beverly Hills Cop, Axel Foley gonna find those drugs!"
"Yeah, you wish you could ride in my trunk."
"Prepare your mind for razzle-dazzle"
"Minh, come quick! Redneck boy getting busy with lawn-trimmings!
"I always have strong feelings about Hill family. NOW, those feelings are of love."
(After two cows break down the fence) "AAH! COWS! I KNEW IT!!!"
(To Connie) "Kahn Jr. You lose. You no longer my son!!!"
"(To Hank Hill) I'm everywhere you want to be."
"I can't fail. I Asian, for god's sake."

" Everybody off my property!!"
(When Bobby is forced to have fake wedding) "Mihn, Mihn. It's finally happening. Bobby Hillbilly is finally marrying hillbilly cousin! You owe me five dollars!"
"Two down, two to go."
(To Hank): "Wait 'til your mother come here in rocking chair tied to roof of car. I make her dance for nickels!!!" (Breaks into Laotian curses).

Minh Souphanousinphone [edit]

(Upon finding out that Peggy makes rabbit stew) "Rabbit?! You rednecks eat anything!"
"I ate a squirrel quesadilla but this where I draw the line."
(Trying on Peggy's size 16 shoes) "Hey look! I like little girl in mama shoes. Okay, bye-bye now!" (Runs out the front door)
"Ooh, Peggy Hill." (Growls viciously)
"That Boomhauer is sexy."
(After losing $13 to Peggy at Boggle) "Thank you for Boggle lesson, Peggy Hill. Maybe next weekend I teach you mahjong. Bring your checkbook."
"Okay, knock yourself out."

Connie Souphanousinphone [edit]

(In response to Bobby saying he's leaving home a boy and coming back a man) "You're lucky. I'm leaving home a girl and coming back a man."
"My dad has this joke: 'how do you get to the Van Clyburn Orchestra? Practice.' Well, it used to be a joke. Now he just screams it."

Joe Jack [edit]

"I'm sorry honey, much too angry."
"Hey, honey."
"I just felt my chakra open honey."
(Propaniacs show) "Baby did a bad, bad, bad, bad thing."
"A-la-ka-zizzle!"
(Jumping up and down) "Forgot my bathroom key again, honey.

Monsignor Martinez [edit]

"Vaya... con Dios."

Chuck Mangione [edit]

(Seeing his name misspelled on diploma as "Chick") Chick Mangione? I'm not a chick, I'm a dude! (Knocks teacher out with his flugelhorn)
"I'm Chuck Mangione, and saving money at Mega-Lo Mart Feels So Good!"
"Mega-Lo Mart now sells propane and propane accessories. Fuel's So Good!"
(After propane explosion) "I don't feel so good...."
(On a posterboard for maxipads) "The Freedom Feels So Good!"
(To crowd in Mega-Lo Mart parking lot before performance) "Are you ready to soft rock?"
The back of Bobby cereal box reads: Win a breakfast with Chuck Magione.

Other [edit]

Student: (After being told that students can elect which classes to take instead of being forced to take them.) "I elect to take... nothing!"

Ted Wasonasong: "Super nice!"
(McManerberry Olympic Torch runner (Black man)): "That's right McManerberry, Brother runnin' with a torch, and ain't nuthin' you can do about it!"

Miscellaneous Dialogue [edit]

Bill: "Well it's tough being a kid these days, Hank, all we had to worry about was Vietnam, Manson, and the swine flu."

Hank: “Bobby’s a good kid but he’s no genius ... we’ve got the report cards to prove it.”

Peggy (to Hank): "If you were Einstein's father, we would not have the bomb."

Hank: "Bobby gets so dang many magazines: couldn't just one of them have a picture of a car, or a fish on it?"

(At an "animal friendly" meat shop)
Hank: Do you have anything that tastes good?
Owner: ...No

[While drinking beer in the alley]
Bill: Yep.
Dale: Yup.
Hank: Yeeh.
Boomhauer: Mmm-hmm.

Peggy: "Luanne, honey tell me what is it like to live without shame of any kind? Is it a good feeling?"
Luanne: "Yeah... it is!"

Dale: "Do your people celebrate Thanksgiving, John Redcorn?"
John Redcorn: "We did...once."

Dale: "Okay, my turn. Tongue-kiss a lizard, or take a shower in Bill's bathroom."
Hank: "Lizard."
Boomhauer: "The lizard, man."
Bill: "Oh, why is the other choice always "take a shower in Bill's bathroom"?"
Dale: "Because your bathroom smells bad! Everytime you come out, it smells like cow manure!" [Bill starts sobbing]

Bobby: "Can I add a gun rack to my bike?"
Hank: "Son, do you know how long I've been waiting for you to ask me that?"
Bobby: "Um, just now?"

Bill: "Hank, you can't fight the Army without declaring war."
Dale: "Maybe if you had the Marines on your side."
Bill: "Yeah, they're better than us."

Hank: "Now, I'm thinking of a number."
Dale: "Three."
Hank: "Yes."
Dale: "Wingo. He always picks three. Except when he picks five."

Peggy: "Jo-hoooon Redcorn."
John Redcorn: "Pe-heeeeeggy Hill."

Bobby: "This is the part about me giving 110 percent, right?"
Hank: "Bobby, if you weren't my son, I'd hug you."

Bill: "My face hurts!"
Hank: "Then it'll match your ass when I'm done kicking it!"

Hank: "Bobby, every woman has a period... of time every month."
Bobby: "Even Mom?"
Hank: "Bobby, if we're going to get through this, you cannot ask me questions like that."
Bobby: "My bad."
Hank: "Now, every month, a woman has this time when she gets very angry. At everything. And usually men are the everything. It's like a tire fire, trying to put it out only makes it worse. You just gotta to let it burn. Grab a beer and let it burn."

(Connie is staying at the Hills, and has been served steak for dinner two nights in a row)

Connie: Ugh! How many cows do you people eat in a year?

Hank Hill: Wait! We figured this out once!

Hank: Acupuncture? What the hell is that?!
Luanne: Um, he sticks needles in your skin and sets them on fire.
Hank: Anybody try that on me and I'll kick his ass!

Animal Control Member: You're just what we've been lookin' for, Bill.

Dale: Really?

Animal Control Member: Yes, now go home and make love with your wife, then come back ready for the hunt.

Dale: But she's at work. Don't worry, I'll figure it out.

John Redcorn: All cultures have a similar rite of passage. Your people have a Bar Mitzvah.

Hank: Uh, we're not Jewish.

John Redcorn: Really?

Buck: Those 5000 gallon heffers sure look pretty at sunset.

Hank: They sure do. Actually, they're 10,000 gallon heffers, sir. And it's sunrise.

Peggy: Good morning Bobby!

Bobby: (Angry) How do you figure!

Joseph Gribble: It's on FOX. They have this one show where they give a girl a bigger boobie, then make her do something gross for the second bigger boobie.

Bobby Hill: Man, that sounds great, but my dad has a channel block on FOX. We'll have to watch it at your place.

Joseph: No, my dad steals cable from your dad, so we don't get it either.

Dale: Don't come any closer, Hank. Octavio will mess you up!

Octavio: Pfft. I don't care whether he comes or goes. Where's the money you owe me, ese?

Dale: [To Hank]: You heard him!

Army Colonel (addressing mess hall): Okay, who here knows how to cut hair?
Gay Soldier (whispering to friend): Don't answer. It's a trick.

Bill: Any problem of yours is a problem of mine.

Kahn: Yeah,actually this one all yours.

Peggy Hill: Uh-huh, That's right, Bobby. I believe you will find that I have no testicles. Where's your secret weapon now, huh?

Kahn: She bluffing! Finish her!

Bobby Hill: I'm sorry, Mom. It was a reflex. (Peggy jumps on him, then noogies him) Mom, okay! I said I was sorry! (groaning)

Stuart Dooley: You shot her in the eye.

Connie: Oh, gross! You licked it! (runs off, Joseph puts down his drink)

Joseph: (to Bobby) What are you doing? You're ruining my party. (takes Bobby's toy bow)

Bobby: (to Joseph) What?! You wouldn't even be having this party if it wasn't for me. You'd just be sitting alone going, "Dude, like, eh... I'm so bleah".

Joseph: Come on. Get... (tries to push Bobby out)

Bobby: Watch it. You're pulling off the wings! Let go! I'm not leaving! I am not leaving unless Connie leaves with me. (Bobby now gets in, trying to hold his grip onto the couch, but Joseph and the boys grab Bobby, removing his fingers, carry him, and throw him over the fence, cheering. Bobby grunts)

"Best of" Arlen [edit]

Best Restaurants

Sugarfoots
Goobersmooches
Rattlesnakes
Luly's Cafeteria
Abraca-Pasta
That's Amore ($$$$, yet voted Most Romantic Restaurant in Heimlich County)
Showbiz New York Style Deli (Home of the Louie Anderson sandwich)
The Arlen Barn- Best Meatloaf Sandwiches

Best UHF Station

Channel 84. Home of the Action News Team, with Miguel Hernandez, and Nancy Hicks Gribble with Accuweather.

Best Propane and Propane Accessories

Strickland Propane "Taste the meat, not the heat!" (Thatherton Fuels not recommended)

Best Assistant Manager of Propane and Propane Accessories

Hank Hill

Best Hotels

La Grunta Hotel and Spa ("Dolphin Encounters" recently cancelled)
Hotel Arlen

(Econosuites not recommended, due to rat infestation).

Best Supermarket

Pink and White

Best Superstore

Mega-Lo Mart (Where saving money "Feels So Good"). Warning: Beware of loose mongoose.

Best Street

Rainey Street (preferable to Milton Street)

Best Schools

Roger Staubach Elementary School
Tom Landry Middle School
Arlen High School
Arlen Community College
Arlen Beauty Academy (even though the girls are mean).

Best Barber Shop

Fort Blanda Army Base (military personnel preferred. $900 for civilian haircuts). Jack's Barber Shop not recommended.

Best Local Children's Show

The Manger Babies on Channel 84.

Best Gas Station

Shamrock

Best Newspaper

The Arlen Bystander (featuring Musings column by Peggy Hill)

Best Trailer Park

Shiny Pines

Best Substitute Teacher

Peggy Hill (1995-1998, nonconsecutive)

Most Promising Young Talent

Bobby Hill, Prop Comic

Best Pest Control Company

Pest Pro (Dale's Dead Bug not recommended)

Best Gentlemen's Club

Juggstore Cowboys (featuring full breakfast buffet)

Best New Age Healer

John Redcorn (ask for the "Migraine Special")

Best Local Band

Big Mountain Fudgecake (featuring John Redcorn on lead vocal, Lucky Kleinschmidt on lead guitar). Now defunct.

Best Country Club

Nine Rivers Country Club (Asian only)
Rainey Street Country Club (Rainey Street residents only)

Most Prestigious Accolade for Arlen

Arlen is one of George Bush's "Communities of Excellence".