Brainiac: Science Abuse

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Brainiac: Science Abuse (often shortened to simply Brainiac) is a British entertainment TV show with a pseudoscience motif.


  • (A lot of times) Do not try this at home.


Every show starts with the host announcing "This is Brainiac (or "Welcome to Brainiac"), the (science) show...

  • ...that laughs in the face of danger, and slaps the cheeks of fear.
  • ...that grabs science by the whats-its and shakes madly.
  • ...that does for science what a lit fuse does for dynamite.
  • ...where we blow stuff up in search of big answers; but mostly just for the hell of it.
  • ...that had proof of the Roswell aliens but taped football over it.
  • ...where we blow things up and have a good look inside.
  • ...where we lob chemicals around - then run like hell.
  • ...that rings the doorbell of science and then runs away.
  • ...that sticks its fingers down the throat of science.
  • ...that doesn't listen to its mummy.
  • ...that doesn't bother to read the instructions.
  • ...that puts science in tight underpants, and gives it a wedgie.
  • ...that Albert Einstein would've invented - if he hadn't been so thick.
  • ...where we undress science and have a good laugh at its bits.
  • ...which, if you invite it around for Sunday lunch, would play footsie with your mum.
  • ...that comes home late and wakes the neighbors.
  • ...that says "Honk if you love science!".
  • ...that orders a vindaloo and then demands more cheese.
  • ...that crashes the party, drinks the beer and wees on the sofa.
  • ...that winds up science until the veins throb in its neck.
  • ...that wipes its nose on the sleeve of science.
  • ...where we light the fuse and then leg it.
  • ...where we poke our nose into other people's business.
  • ...that takes science by the ankles, and dangles it over a crocodile swamp.
  • ...that does for science what five pints of lager does for ugly women.
  • ...that doesn't curtsy to the Queen.
  • ...that tells its girlfriend not to wait up.
  • ...that's a bit like GCSE Physics, but with more girls in bikinis...and less physics.
  • ...that comes home at 4 in the morning, smelling of whiskey and covered in lipstick.
  • ...that's funded entirely by Hillbillies.
  • ...that plays kiss-chase with science.
  • ...your mum warned you about.
  • ...that wakes up next to science in the morning, and can't remember its name.
  • ...that never wipes its feet before stepping on your granny's new carpet.
  • ...that does for science what a milkmaid does for udders.
  • ...that grabs science by the sideburns and makes it stand outside the headmaster's study.
  • ...that puts physics, chemistry, biology and French people into a blender and then has it for breakfast.
  • ...that laughs in the face of science.
  • ...that other science shows cross the street just to avoid.
  • ...that does for science what Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen does for Australian football.
  • ...where science stays up late, way past its bedtime.
  • ...that farts in the jacuzzi of human knowledge.
  • ...that gets on the bus without paying its fare.
  • ...that poos in a petri dish - and leaves you to do the explaining.
  • itchy rash on the buttocks of science.
  • ...that puts the "fizz" in "physics".

Quotes from specific segments[edit]


Series 1 and 2:

  • (alarm blares) Stop! (Hammond appears on screen) The following experiment is dangerous. For your safety and the protection of those around you, do not try this at home. No, really, don't.

Series 3 and 4:

  • (alarm blares) Stop! (Hammond appears on screen) The following experiment is dangerous. Do not try this at home. No, really, don't.

Series 5:

  • Stop! (Vic Reeves blows party whistle) The following recipe is dangerous. Do not try this at home...or anywhere else for that matter!

Series 6:

  • (Vic Reeves appears) Hey,you! Stop! The following experiment is dangerous. Do not try this at home...for pity's sake!

In all series: * ...we do these experiments so you don't have to. Do not try this at home. (Added in Series 1:, really, don't.)

Electrocution of Brainiac (series 2)[edit]

  • ...(insert action here), one more thing you can't do whilst being electrocuted.

Electricity on Tour (series 3)[edit]

  • ...a lot harder when you're being electrocuted.

Electrocution of celebrities (series 5)[edit]

  • So, can (insert name here) still do his/her glitzy day job whilst being electrocuted? Yes/No.

Talents performed under electric shocks (series 6)[edit]

  • Thaila Zucchi: one more act you can't do when receiving electric shocks.

Things Jon Tickle's Body Can't Do[edit]

Jon: I'm sorry, nurse, I can't do that.
...just one more thing that Jon Tickle's body can't do.

47-Second Science[edit]

  • 47-Second Science - tackling life's big questions in bite-sized chunks.

Dr. Bunhead on the Road/ Service Station Science[edit]

  • Dr Bunhead on the road,where science's biggest loser sets of in his trusty old van/old banger, peddling chemistry to the masses.

Tickle's Teasers[edit]

  • Jon (at the start of every teaser): Here's one for you...

Superbrainiac (series 5)[edit]

  • Is it a drain specialist? Is it a road sweeper? No,it's Super Brainiac! The result of a mistake in a laboratory. His mission: to rid the world of toxic caravans!
  • Is it a day-glow ninja? Is it a flourescent madman? Yes,it's Super Brainiac! The result of an experiment that trebled his IQ to 42! His mission: to rid the world of toxic caravans!
  • Super brainiac: saving the world with science!

External links[edit]

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