- Fine! The gloves are off pal! C'mon, lemme see a little wrath! Smite me, O mighty smiter! You're the one who should be fired! The only one around here not doing his job is You! ANSWER ME!!!
- [breaks down upon seeing Grace pray so hard] Okay, You win. I'm done. Please, I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna be God! I want You to decide what's right for me! I SURRENDER TO YOUR WILL!
- Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce, it's a magic trick. A single mom who's working two jobs, and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says no to drugs and yes to an education, that's a miracle. People want Me to do everything for them, but what they don't realize is, they have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.
- [Bruce just discovered that Evan got the anchor job]
- Bruce: Oh, look. It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill. No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on. Let's have a talk.
- Grace: Come on! What are you DOING?!
- Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me. Why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?
- Bill (Ferry Owner): Hey, man. I don't want any problems. I don't want...
- Bruce: Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me? ERODING, EEEERODING, EEEEEERODDDING.
- Jack: Cut the feed. Go to black.
- Technician: I'm on it.
- Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, FUCKERS! [puts up fist]
- Jack: Oh boy.
- Grace: Oh, my God.
- God: This last entry was disturbing; "The gloves are off, God." "God has taken my bird and my bush." "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass." "Smite me, O mighty smiter!" Now, I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me laugh.
- Bruce: (shocked) Are you spying on me!? Who are you?
- God: I'm the one. Creator of the heavens and earth, Alpha and Omega. Bruce, I'm God.
- Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says, 'God'! Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing! Well, it was very nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you suck! Anyone with a brain stem can see that that cheesy file cabinet illusion is being fed from the wall on the other side.
- [Bruce is parting his tomato soup like the Red Sea]
- God:Having fun?
- Bruce: [startled]Ahhh! Thy... Thou...
- God: Come, take a closer walk with me.
- Lead Thug: I'll tell you what. When a monkey comes out of my butt, you'll get your "sorry". How about that?
- Bruce: What a coincidence! Because that's... today.
- [A monkey comes out of the Lead Thug's butt]
- Thug #1: Hey, did that monkey just come out your crack, man?!
- Thug #2: This is some voodoo shit, man! Vamanos!
- Bruce: Are you guys leavin'? Hey, don't forget your parting gifts! [Breathes hornets at them, and is then joined by the monkey] Hey there, little anal-dwelling butt monkey! Time for you to go home, little buddy. [The monkey re-enters the Lead Thug's butt]
- Evan: In other news, the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today, and my tiny little nipples went to France.
- Director: What did he just say? Check the prompter.
- Technician: The prompter's fine.
- Director: Evan, read the copy. Please, the copy's good, just... read it.
- Evan: The White House Reception Committee greeted the Prime rib roast Minister, and I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I "lika"... do... da cha-cha. I'm sorry, we seem to be having some "technical" difficulties...
- Bruce: [trying to pray] Lord, feed the hungry, and bring peace to all mankind. [to God] How was that?
- God: Great!... If you wanna be Miss America. Now c'mon, son... what do you really care about?
- Bruce: [starting to break down] Grace.
Homeless Man Signs 
- R EWE BLIND
- LOOK TO YOURSELF
- LIFE IS JUST
- THY KINGDUMB COME
- ALL FOR WON
- GOD BEE GOOD HONEY
- Bruce: (with his own sign) WHATEVER HE SAID →
- ARMAGEDON OUTA HERE
- He's got the power.
- In Bruce We Trust?
- If you could be God for one week, what would you do?
- The guy next door just became the man upstairs.
- Jim Carrey - Bruce Nolan
- Morgan Freeman - God
- Jennifer Aniston - Grace Connelly
- Philip Baker Hall - Jack Baylor
- Catherine Bell - Susan Ortega
- Lisa Ann Walter - Debbie
- Steve Carell - Evan Baxter
- Nora Dunn - Ally Loman
- Eddie Jemison - Bobby
- Paul Satterfield - Dallas Coleman
- Mark Kiely - Fred Donohue
- Sally Kirkland - Anita Mann
- Tony Bennett - Himself