Carmen Sandiego

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Carmen Sandiego is the principal villain in a famous edutainment computer game series of the same name.

Contents

[edit] Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? (game show)

Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? (1991-1996) was a popular children's television game show loosely based off the computer games of the same name created by now defunct Brøderbund Software. World aired on PBS and starred Lynne Thigpen as "The Chief", with Greg Lee as "The ACME Special Agent in charge of training new recruits" and Rockapella as the house vocal band and comedy troupe. Rockapella featured Barry Carl (bass), Sean Altman, (tenor) Elliot Kerman, (baritone) and Scott Leonard (high tenor) with Jeff Thacher (vocal percussion) joining in the final season.

[edit] Season 1

(opening lines)
(camera zooms across audience) Chief: All these people want to know: Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?

[edit] Funding Spiels

[edit] Opening
Lynne: Today's caper is presented by WQED Pittsburgh, and WGBH Boston. Carmen's gang is bankrolled by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, and by Viewers Like You.

[edit] Closing
Lynne: This program was bankrolled by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, and by Viewers Like You. [Corporate bucks provided by Toyota. (and Holiday Inn.)] - Note: The speech in brackets was used on some episodes from season one.

[edit] Carmen's Final Location Speils

  • Vic: I'm gonna need some company in the slammer, so here's the scoop on Carmen. Look for her in (continent)/The United States.
  • Robo: The probabilities of your capture of Carmen will be accelerated if I supply you with pertinent information. Look for her in (Continent)/The United States.
  • Grunge: It's a dirty trick me bein' in da joint and Carmen on the loose. (coughs) Look for her in (continent)/The United States. (sneezes)
  • Patty: I know I shouldn't be telling you this, but it isn't fair that I'm in jail and Carmen's not. Look for her in (continent)/The United States.
  • Contessa: Honor among thieves? Surely you jest! If I'm going to prison, I'm taking Carmen with me. Look for her in (continent)/The United States.
  • Double Trouble: We’ll party a lot hardier in the slammer if we know Carmen’s on her way. Look for her in (continent)/The United States.
  • Eartha: Hey, Gumshoe! Carmen double-crossed me, so I'm gonna get even! Look for her in (continent)/The United States.
  • Patty: (happily)This jail is so colorful! It's gray, gray, and gray! I want Carmen to enjoy it, too! Look for her in (continent)/The United States.

[edit] Taking of the Shrew [Premiere]

[Vic the Slick steals the Mona Lisa]

(knock at door)
Greg: Yeah, come in.
(Scott, the Dying Informant, screams as he gets thrown inside, but in the wrong position, so he moves properly to the drawn outline of a dead body)
Greg: I think we have a serious problem here. What's the matter, dude? Hey, come on. What's the matter?
Scott: (gags) I saw Vic in a Japanese-- (gags)
Greg: Come on. You can't die now. A Japanese what? A Japanese what? Come on!
Scott: An industrial center in western JAPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!
Greg: Come on! We need a little bit more. Just a little bit more! Come on.
Scott: The city's famous for Bunraku... Japanese Puppet Theater! (gags)
Greg: Is that it? That's all you had to say to me? Is that it?! Haven't you got anymore?! ANSWER ME!!!!
Scott: (screams, then calmly:) It's just south of... Kyoto! (he gets up, spins around, does splits, and collapses again)
Greg: Scott, the Dying Informant! (Scott picks up his hat) One more time! Bravo! So wonderful! (Scott heads back to the alley)
Vic: Hey, boss lady, I gotta stash Lisa someplace. She's gettin' on my nerves.
Carmen: Take her to a souk in Morocco.
Vic: Souk? What's a souk?
Carmen: It's an outdoor market where you can find everything from snake charmers to pastries filled with pigeon meat. Vic, you'll love the souk. You can argue over the price of everything.
Vic: Yeah? Where is this Morocco place, huh?
Carmen: It's a country in northern Africa on the Mediterrian Sea. And Vic?
Vic: Yeah?
Carmen: Lose the plaid suit.

[edit] The Case of the Cribbed Crater [1.2]

[The Contessa steals the Ngorongro Crater]

Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: Will you cut that blooming racket?!
Greg: It's my upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. Let's see what she says. To loud for ya?
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: All that noise is about to send me 'round the bend. The Contessa went to a country that makes beautiful text styles. The Ulta dollars have been weavers for centuries, and their fine cloth is shipped all over the world. The country also happens to be the largest exporter on my favorite fruit. The banana. (laughs) From rainforests to the beaches. It's quite a beautiful little country. Now, go out and nab the old girl and leave me in peace.
Greg: Thanks a lot, Mrs. P. WE'LL KEEP IT QUIETER!!! Sorry. Man, she sees everything from up there.
Greg: Before the invention of the telegraph, young writers delivered the mail from Missouri to California on horseback. Were they Minutemen, the Pony Express--
Eric: (as Angel buzzes in) Pony Express. Oh.
Greg: Excuse me, you hafta-- You hafta buzz in. Angel buzzed-- Buzzed in. Go ahead, Angel.
Angel: Pony Express.
Greg: Pony Express is right. You're right. Eric,-- (laughs) Good answer though, Eric. It was right there.
(the monitor shows the ACME technical difficulties sign)
Chief: Uh, Greg?
Greg: Yeah, Chief?
Chief: Greg, in my office now.
Greg: (knocks on the monitor) Chief, I'm not quite gettin' you here.
Chief: Uh, Greg, just come in my office.
Greg: Okay, I'll be right there. You guys hang tight here. I'll be right back. I don't know what she's talkin' about. My mentor calls. (enters the office) What's up, Chief?
Chief: (headless) Oh, Greg, my head fell off and I think it rolled under the desk.
Greg: I'm sorry. One more time?
Chief: Greg, get with the program! I said my head fell off, it rolled under the desk! Would you please get it for me?!
Greg: (searches under the desk) Oh, Chief, how did this happen?
Chief: Well, I was, oh-- I was worried about the investigation you know and it just overheated and then it popped off!
Greg: Hey, you got a lotta neat stuff here. Check it out. Bicentennial quarter.
Chief: (snatches the quarter) Oh, Greg, the head!
Greg: All right. Oh, here it is right here. Okay. Got it.
Chief: Oh, good. Oh.
Greg: Oh. (strains) All right. Let's just put it right on top there.
Chief: Oh.
Greg: And just kinda give a little twist! (grunts) Better?
Chief: Oh, yeah.
Greg: Okay, Chief, how are we gonna keep this from happening again?
Chief: Oh, well, you can capture Carmen Sandiego! I'll give a free trip anywhere in the lower 48 states to the gumshoe that does. (applause) (Greg taps on her head) Oh, Greg, go away.
Greg: Yes. Okay. Sorry. (exits the office)
Chief: Acts like he never saw a head pop off before!
(Greg returns to the gumshoes and tries to pull on his head to see if it pops off, but it does not)
Greg: I'm okay.
Contessa: Get me out of this town! These Americans are so uncultured!
Carmen: Relax. I'm sending you to a country that's so cultured, their president is a writer.
Contessa: Oh, tell me more.
Carmen: His name is Václav Havel. The old government jailed him for his beliefs, but now he's in charge of the new one.
Contessa: I'm intrigued. Where will I be going?
Carmen: To a city below the Carpathian Mountains on the Danube River.
Contessa: (gasps) Oh, the Danube. I hear a Waltz already.
Carmen: Lay low or you'll hear sirens.

[edit] It's the Pits [1.3]

[Grunge steals the La Brea Tar Pits]

Chief: Greg?
Greg: Yeah, Chief?
Chief: Greg, in my office. It's this fax.
Greg: Oh. Just a second. I gotta go help her. I'll be right back. (to the audience, quietly) She needs me. (enters the office, where the fax is on the fritz) What's the matter?
Chief: You see? I can't get it to work. It's--
Greg: (smacks the machine, and the note comes out of it) Gotta smack it in the right place.
Chief: All right. Read it to me.
Greg: Uh, well, you know, it just-- It just kinda says what it says.
Chief: Well, it's gotta be something. Read it!
Greg: Okay. (reads note) "Dear Chief, you are a chump. You and your Glum-Shoes still haven't found me or Top Grunge. Catch me if you can. Regards to ACME Slime Net. Signed, Carmen Sandiego", and then, it-- It goes on from there.
Chief: Goes on.
Greg: Yeah.
Chief: What else does it say?
Greg: Uh, it says (reads the last part of the note) "P.S.: Nanny-nanny... Poo-poo."
Chief: "Nanny-nanny poo-poo"?!
Greg: Yeah. I'm sorry, (points to the note) it's right there. It's right there.
Chief: "Nanny-nanny poo-poo"?
Greg: Yeah.
Chief: (laughs) That does it! Detectives-- (looks at Greg, who looks at her)
Greg: Yeah. Sorry.
Chief: The Gumshoe who puts Carmen Sandiego behind bars will get a free trip anywhere in the lower 48 states! (applause) I've had it. (sarcastically) "Nanny-nanny poo-poo".
Greg: You know, Chief, I tell ya, I would never think of you as a chump. I mean you may have some chumpish qualities from time to time, but basically--
Chief: Go away.
Greg: Chump. Uh, check! (exits the office)

[edit] The Big Ness Mess [1.4]

[Eartha Brute steals the Loch Ness Monster]

Carmen: Eartha, those ACME agents are hot on your trail. You have to move fast.
Eartha: Oh, great! I'm hauling around a 5 ton sea monster and you expect fast.
Carmen: Calm yourself, Eartha. I have it all planned. Head for a landlocked country in South America. A henchman will meet you on its border with Peru. You can hide Nessy from ACME in one of the world's highest lakes. It's called Titicaca.
Eartha: Titi-what?
Carmen: Lake Titicaca. Now, go.

[edit] Seizing the Sea [1.5]

[Vic the Slick steals the Dead Sea]

Greg: For our next clue, we need to go to, uh-- You know, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure exactly where we go. I forgot what are next clue is. I'm sorry. Uh, Chief? Chief? I'm sorry. I forgot what the next clue was. If you could tell me, then we could-- we could get started.
Chief: Well, you got me, Greg. I don't know.
Greg: You don't know?
Chief: No.
Greg: Oh, great. Uh, well, then, I'll just go up to ACME Control Net. I'll find out. I'll give you the clue. I'll come back. I'm sorry, guys. I don't know how this happens. I'm very frustrated about this. Excuse me, guys. I'm sorry. I'm tryin' to get a job done here if you don't-- Pardon me. Excuse me. I just-- You know, if you want a job done right, the ol' Gregger. (enters ACME Control Net) Hey, guys. How you doin'? Hi. Hey, Dana, you got any clues?
Dana: Greg, you're not supposed to be in here. You're supposed to be in the office. Go.
Greg: We need more clues though.
Dana: All right, tell the Gumshoes to go to the Pompidou Center who was a Moulin Rouge. All right, now, again, we got a show to do.
Greg: All right.
Dana: Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. There's one more thing. Take these Francs. You'll need those. Okay? Now, scoot. Come on. Let's go.
Greg: Okay. You know, it is really cool back here. I've never been in here before. What is that thing right over there?
Dana: That's the Gumsholator, Greg.
Greg: Cool. Cool. What's this thing right here?
Dana: Don't touch that! (Greg pushes a button which causes static and a technical difficulty)
Greg: Hi. Sorry. They had a little technical difficulty, but we're back and everything is okay!

[edit] The Gateway Getaway [1.6]

[RoboCrook steals St. Louis' Gateway Arch.]

(the monitor shows "Presence Requested At Once")
Chief: Greg?
Greg: Yeah, Chief?
Chief: In my office right away.
Greg: Okay. Uh, I'll be right there. You guys stick here. Lemme find out what she wants. (laughs) My mentor calls. (enters the office where the Chief has grown two faces)
Chief: Oh, Greg, the investigation is starting to worry me. Now, Carmen Sandiego is--
Greg: Chief.
Chief: Don't interrupt. Carmen Sandiego is being extra tricky.
Greg: Chief.
Chief: Now, if-- All right, what is it?
Greg: Chief, it's your face. Uh, there's one more than usual.
Chief: Well, I was getting to that.
Greg: Okay. All right.
Chief: Now, if we're gonna crack this case, we'll need as many pairs of eyes as possible. So, I've grown an extra face and I suggest you do the same.
Greg: That seems a little extreme to me, Chief. Uh, there's gotta be a better way. Uh, I know, we could offer the gumshoes a trip to anywhere in the lower 48 states. That'll get 'em to catch Carmen Sandiego. (applause)
Chief: Oh, well, say, well, that should do it. Well, I guess I don't need this anymore then.
Greg: I don't think so.
Chief: (pushes her two faces back together as one) Oh.
Greg: Okay. Good move, Chief. I tell ya, (laughs) that two face thing was freaky. I mean, whoa, whoa, whoa! That was weird. I mean, they were nice faces and don't look at me wrong. But that is distracting--
Chief: Go away.
Greg: Yes, ma'am. Okay. (exits the office)
Robo: I'm running out of ideas.
Carmen: Have you ever had one? Set your course for a British ground colony in the Windward Islands.
Robo: Why there?
Carmen: You can hide your Arch in the mountains, but watch out. They're volcanic. There are steaming vents and pools of boiling water I wouldn't want you to rust.
Robo: You're so thoughtful, Carmen.
Carmen: If I didn't watch out for you, who would?
Rockapella: Robocrook! (sings their fanfare)
Greg: (as Ali ran to meet Greg) Wow! Never in the history of ACME Crime Net!
Greg: All right, Ali. We have enough time to give you $100 savings bond if you get five chances to select any of the remaining 12 locations where the savings bond is in. With me?
Ali: Yes.
Greg: (after Ali failed to find the savings bond) Whoa! Tough luck on this board. It was mean to you!

[edit] The Case of the False False Teeth [1.8]

[Patty Larceny steals the replica of George Washington's fake dentures.]

Patty: Carmen, these teeth are grossing me out! Why didn't you give this job to Top Grunge?
Carmen: Quit your whining, Patty. You have to move fast. Head for Africa's second largest country. It's on the Mediterranean coast.
Patty: But I don't even know anyone in Africa!
Carmen: I have a close friend who'll meet you. She'll be wearing a veil.
Patty: A veil? Is that what all the women wear?
Carmen: Only the strict Muslims. They believe it's improper to be in public unless they cover their lower face. Now stop with the questions. You just have to go.
Voice: Greg! Greg, who's that?
Greg: Right here? This is... This is Scott. We had a little... We had a little problem. We normally have a service that comes in and...
Voice: I see. Wanna see something special?
Greg: Yeah. Yeah.
Voice: Watch this.
Greg: Okay.
Voice: Yo! Yo! Scott! Rise.
Scott: (gets back on his feet, alive) Whoo! I think I'm free!
Greg: Ladies and gentlemen, Scott, the Dying Informant, is alive!
(the audience cheers and applauds as Scott leaves)

[edit] The Lincoln Conspiracy [1.9]

[Robocrook steals Lincoln Center]

Greg: Now, Gregg, you have some interesting career plans. Tell us about you career plans.
Gregg: Yeah, I like to be either a Stand-up comedian or a Baseball Manager. (applause)
Greg: Stand-up comedian or a Baseball Manager. Now, wait. Come right up here. 'Cause they just don't want you to talk into the microphone quite that closely. It's on. It's workin' fine. Okay. So, you wanna be a Stand-up comedian. Tell me. What kinda jokes do you do?
Gregg: Well, um, I make funny phone calls to 1-800 numbers, um--
Greg: Yeah.
Gregg: I make-- I make funny surveys and go to random people who I don't know, and um, I tell 'em knock knock jokes.
Greg: You tell 'em knock knock jokes. You can tell he's a comedian by the way he's workin' that microphone, you guys. Yeah, you can just stand right up there, Gregg. It's cool. Just stand right there. That's cool the way it is. You tell knock knock jokes.
Gregg: Yeah.
Greg: Would you guys like to hear a knock knock joke by any chance?
Audience: Yeah!
Greg: Okay, Gregory, lay one on us. Let's hear it.
Gregg: Knock knock. (Greg laughs)
Audience: Who's there?
Gregg: Humpty.
Audience: Humpty who?
Gregg: They call me Humpty, with... I say it with an "-umpty"! I really am kinda funky!
Greg: Gregg, ladies and gentlemen! Come on! Come on. Tough, tough crowd.
Rockapella: Robocrook! (sings their fanfare)
(Gregg goes to the chain, when the confetti is ready to fall, but steps back to his podium when he sees it falling)
Greg: Yeah! Yeah! Oh, yeah, get in there. (laughs) Come on over here, Gregg. (Gregg walks to the chain) Be sure you get plenty of that on you, dude.

[edit] The Canal Caper [1.10]

[Grunge steals the Panama Canal]

Greg: (upside down) Dana. Dana, wanna turn me around? I'm gonna lose the change in my pockets. Dana? (Right-side up) Thank you so much. Thank you.
Chief: Greg, some things are meant to be. Grass is meant to be green. Water is meant to be wet. Carmen Sandiego is meant to be in jail! And she's out there on the loose. She's been there for a while, and, well, the natural order of things has gone haywire!
Carmen: Grunge, those ACME agents have sniffed you out. Go to an African country with residents who might tolerate your smell.
Grunge: Thanks, Carmen. (sniffs) I just love to meet new people.
Carmen: Who said anything about people? I meant the famous mountain gorillas studied by Dian Fossey. They were in that movie Gorillas in the Mist.
Grunge: Geez, Carmen. You expect me to live with animals?
Carmen: Maybe not. They're still thinking it over. Meet them at their home in the National Park of Volcanoes.
Grunge: Those gorillas are famous, huh? Maybe I'll brush my teeth for the occasion. (sneezes)
Greg: Let me tell you something. This is a particularly tough case and when I get a tough case like this I always go to this woman right over here. Agnes Acme. She's the founder of ACME Crimenet. She's also the great-grandmother of the Chief. I often wonder what she'd do.
Moosey: Huh-huh-huh! My goodness, this is exciting! Imagine me, a television detective! Huh-huh! Hey, Bullwinkle, who's famous now?
Rockapella (singing): Wacky waterway!
Agnes: This is Agnes Acme (the words "aka Lynne Thigpen" is shown) speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, and remember, if villains make you feel remorseful, call on us. We're kind... yet forceful.
Chief: Remember the ACME motto: ACME agents will be there, catching crooks with special flair.

[edit] The Great Wall Haul [1.11]

[Eartha Brute makes off with the Great Wall of China]

Greg: Now, I have a feeling that it's highly possible the Chief will be calling me into her office right about... (the Chief appears on the monitor)
Chief: Greg?
Greg: ...now.
Chief: Now. In my office right away.
Greg: Okay. You guys stick here. Be back in just a bit. (laughs) I wonder what she'd like to talk about. (enters the office) Yeah, Chief. What's up?
Chief: Uh, Greg?
Greg: Yeah.
Chief: You and the gumshoes have been halfway around the world and...
Greg and the Chief: ...still haven't found Carmen Sandiego.
Greg: Yeah, I know.
Chief: Right.
Greg: Yeah, I know that.
Chief: Well, now, you better...
Greg and the Chief: ...get your acts together. Otherwise, we're never gonna find her.
Greg: Yeah. I know that. (laughs)
Chief: Right.
Greg: Uh-huh.
Chief: Uh, you did you know...
Greg and the Chief: ...what you were gonna say?
Greg: Well, Chief, I need to tell you something. You're becoming just a little bit predictable.
Greg and the Chief: Predictable? (both laugh) Ridiculous. I never felt more unpredictable in my life. What make you think...you're saying everything I say. Stop that. Don't do that. Peanut Butter. Octopus.
Greg: See? I can tell. Everytime. You're very predictable. I can tell.
Chief: Well, all right, all right. Maybe I am just a little bit. All right? But that still doesn't change the fact that we still...
Greg and the Chief: ...haven't found Carmen Sandiego.
Chief: I'll offer a free trip anywhere...
Greg and the Chief: ...in the lower 48 states to the gumshoe who finds her. (applause)
Greg: See? See? See what I'm sayin'? Listen, Chief. You know, I don't mean any offense when I say you're predictable because a lot of people are a little predictable. I mean, there's really nothing wrong.
Greg and the Chief: Go away.
Greg: Yes. Okay. (exits the office)
Carmen: Eartha, I'm sending you to a place where they could use your Great Wall. Almost half the country is below sea level. Try to make a deal with the government.
Eartha: So, I should go to the capitol?
Carmen: No, Amsterdam is the capital, but the seat of the government is a different city.
Eartha: What? I'm confused.
Carmen: So, what's new? Move your brawny behind.

[edit] The Case of the Burgled Bugatti [1.12]

[The Contessa steals a 1931 Bugatti Royale.]

Greg: Kelly, you have a very special hobby, right?
Kelly: Yes. I collect tigers. In fact, my nickname's "Tiger".
Greg: No kidding! So, therefore, obviously, then, your favorite baseball team would be the Detroit Tigers.
Kelly: No, I hate the Detroit Tigers! I like the Red Sox.
Greg: (on phone) Hello? Carpet delivery? No, we do not-- We don’t have any carpet deliveries...
(a rolled carpet comes down before him)
Greg: Yeah, it just got here. Yeah. Thanks a lot. All right. Thanks.
Greg: Wait a second. That can only mean one thing. It’s time for the…
Kelly, Garsy, and Aziz: Lightning round.
Greg: All right, this was for, uh, Crab Alfredo, and pizza. Now we’re talking about detective stuff, but it was kind of a social thing too.
Carmen: I hope you're keeping a low profile, Contessa.
Contessa: Of course. I'm in the south of France, at the film festival. Everyone is here. Don and Melanie. Kurt and Goldie. Bruce and Demi. I drove down the Mediterranean coast with Dustin just this morning.
Carmen: You drove the stolen Bugatti?
Contessa: Of course not!
Carmen: Good.
Contessa: I let Dustin drive it! He just loves classics.
Carmen: Why me?!
Scott: I lost her… in the junk fleet… of Aberdeen Harbor! Oh, baby! (passes out)
Greg: Scott, you're really startin' to bug me! (to Kelly and Aziz) Now it's time for you to go to Hong Kong and where you're gonna try to find the Contessa. All right? I want you to know, though, we don't send our agents out into the field unprepared. Right, Scott? (Scott just groans.) Okay.
Chief: Now that's Kowloon in the background. It's on the mainland of China but it is still part of Hong Kong.
Chief: I had a bird once. It was a parrot, named Seymour. Oh, what a character! He could mimic everything about me. My speech, heh, my little nervous laugh, the way I tilted my head when I was self-conscious, and when…Eventually I couldn’t take the mockery anymore so I had to get rid of him. So, gumshoes, the Contessa and the Bugatti are in Hong Kong. Get going. I got a little writing to do.
Chief: This is Lynne Thigpen speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, and remember: Some like music; some like books; but ACME’s folks like busting crooks!

[edit] The Square Scam [1.13]

[Double Trouble steal Red Square.]

Chief: Greg. Some things are meant to be. Grass is meant to be green. Water is meant to be wet. Carmen Sandiego is meant to be in jail! And she's out there loose, for a while, she's been there, and, well, things have started to go haywire!
Carmen: Ready for another party, boys?
Double Trouble: Geez, we’re always ready, Carmen.
Carmen: Good. I want you to head down the peninsula from Tijuana to Ensenada.
Double Trouble: Well, what’s the occasion?
Carmen: The start of a famous international off-road race. Hundreds of drivers race all kinds of vehicles across the desert.
Double Trouble: We’re rollin’!
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: Would you stop that infernal R-R-R-R-R-RACKET?!!
Chief: This is Lynne Thigpen speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, and remember, we solve cases, we deliver; ACME sends crooks up the river!

[edit] The Great Liberty Lift [1.15]

[Patty Larceny steals the Liberty Bell]

Carmen: Pack up the bell and hop a plane to King Khalid Airport, the biggest airport in the world.
Patty: I know where that is! Will I have to wear one of those long, black cloaks?
Carmen: You mean an abaya. No. But wear a longer skirt, out of respect for their customs.
Patty: And I can't drive, right? Women aren't allowed to drive.
Carmen: You're so smart, dear. Wait a minute! Since when have you been driving?!
Patty: Since I stole a learner's permit!
Rockapella: (singing as the Liberty Bell is revealed in the 2nd round) The Liberty Bell!

[edit] The SAT Score Scam [1.16]

[Patty Larceny steals the SAT scores from Princeton, New Jersey]

Patty: Carmen, help! Where should I go next?
Carmen: Head for the Nagoya or the Kanazawa. Some of the high school kids are going through what they call examination hell.
Patty: Eww! Sounds yucky! What is it?
Carmen: They take a series a difficult tests to get into top universities. Many of them spend lots of yen per year on special test-cramming schools after their regular school day ends.
Patty: Wow! No fun! But couldn't they call it examination heck?
Carmen: Just get going!
Rockapella: Number 2 pencil!

[edit] Torch Song [1.17]

[Eartha Brute steals the Statue of Liberty's torch]

Eartha: I still can't find a stadium big enough to hold my games.
Carmen: Take the torch to one of my favorite capitals in eastern Europe, home to great writers like Kafka. Great composers like Dvořák. Great--
Eartha: Uh, Carmen, what about my games?
Carmen: Ah, yes. Your games. Well, the world's largest open stadium is located there. And while you're at it, try to hire Martina Navratilova. She was born in this city.
Eartha: Who's she?
Carmen: The tennis champion. One of the biggest money winners in women's sports. Don't you read the paper?
Eartha: Only the comics.
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: I've had enough of this!
Greg: Must be our upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Punpkinclanger. Hi, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger.
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: That bruser has gone to the Highland games on the Isle of Skye. She's tossing about a 15 foot tree trunk called a caber. Now, cease your incessant meangering and go apprehend her.
Greg: Thanks. Thanks. Great hair. Love your hair.

[edit] The Hammering Hank Heist [1.18]

[Vic the Slick steals Hank Aaron's baseball bat]

Carmen: Vic, those ACME agents have found you. Head to a nation in the Pacific whose name means south.
Vic: Hey, Carmen, I'm headin' for the South Pacific?
Carmen: Brilliant deduction, Vic. It's one of the few countries on earth that's never been ruled by a foreign power. Now, get moving.
Vic: Oh, but, Carmen, I'm waitin' for some new plaid suits to come back from the tailor!
Carmen: Forget the suits, Vic. The traditional dress here is the ta'ovala. It's a woven mat skirt worn by women and men.
Vic: Geez, Carmen, a skirt?! This could ruin my reputation as a snappy dresser! Well, I'm on my way.

[edit] Big Ben Bagged [1.19]

[Grunge steals Big Ben]

Grunge: Carmen, I think those Gumshoes are on to me. Especially that detective in the middle.
Carmen: You're sounding much better, Top. Listen. Get on your chopper and head for the Pan American Highway. Ride it all the way down to the end.
Grunge: Yeah, like what's the Pan American Highway?
Carmen: It's a highway that goes all the way from Canada to the capital of Chile. That's where you're going, Grunge. (Grunge sneezes) Bless you. Now, get going!

[edit] Diamonds Are a Crook's Best Friend [1.20]

[The Contessa steals a year's production of diamonds from South Africa.]

Chief: The Contessa made tracks with nearly a 10th of the world’s diamond output. Now, that's a lot of pebbles!
Chief: I have memories of sitting in a Konditorei, that's a pastry shop, and listening to Strauss music and waltz and digging into a delicious chocolate cake called a Sachertorte. Greg?
Greg: Chief, that was, uh, that was very touching. Thank you very much.
Greg: All right, now, I want you guys to know this is a pretty tough case. So, you're gonna have to really keep everything on, keep your timing--
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: Will you stop this incessant whining about a tough case?!
Greg: Oh, no. That can be only one person. That's our upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger.
(he enters the alley and looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger)
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: You call yourselves detectives, don't you?! You'd best be off to the third largest port in Europe! It's in the Dutch speaking half of a bilingual country, and it's an international center for cutting and trading diamonds. NOW! Get on with it before I call the authorities!
(she shuts her window)
Greg: Yes, ma'am. Okay. Don't you just love your neighbors?
(Greg enters the Chief's office, where the Chief packs her suitcase)
Greg: Chief, what are you doin'?!
Chief: Ah! (shakes Greg's hand) Greg, it's been nice working with you.
Greg: Wha-What?! What is this?
Chief: Well, I think it's time for me to move on. I've been doing this a long time. I think it's time for me to get out there, get some fresh air, and see new sights.
Greg: See what?! What are you talking about?!
Chief: Well, I thought I'd do some yam-farming.
(Greg, dismayed, mouths "Yam-farming?!")
Chief: No, no, I have a cousin. Essie. She's got some land out in the country. I thought I'd travel around and see the land.
Greg: Chief, Chief, you don't know anything about yam-farming. You know nothing about that. And besides, what would the Gumshoes do without you? We need you here! Right, guys?!
Gumshoes and Audience: YEAH!!!
Greg: See? Huh? Huh?
Chief: Well, if you put it that way, I'll stay.
Greg: Okay. All right, then. Let's get this stuff unpacked.
Chief: All right. Oh, but wait, wait, wait. I bought those tickets. I have-- I have a ticket for anywhere in the lower 48 states. What am I gonna do with it?
Greg: Okay, wait. I got an idea. We'll give the Gumshoe who catches Carmen Sandiego those tickets. Huh?
Chief: (while the crowd applauds) Now, that's a good idea.
Greg: Let's get this stuff outta here. (attempts to help unpack) Let me-- Just let me help you.
Chief: No.
Greg: This is wonderful that your stayin'. And you're such an intregal part of...
Chief: No. Greg. Greg. Greg! Go away.
Greg: Yes, ma'am. I'll keep that...
Chief: No, no.
Greg: Yes. All right. (exits the office) I'm so glad she's staying.
Contessa: Madre mia! Carmen, you're a gem.
Carmen: And you're a brick. Now get going!
Greg: Now, we've sent agents to Herkimer to try to track...
Voice: Don't waste your time! (about the Contessa) She's already gone. You've bundled it again! Go to a state full of glaciers instead.
Greg: Wait a minute. Glaciers?
Voice: Yes! Glaciers! More glaciers than anywhere else in the US. The innuits do a lot of ice-fishing there.
Greg: Wait a minute. The innuits, who are they?
Voice: Don't you know anything?! They are native people of this region.
Greg: Well, why did Contessa go there?
Voice: What is this?! A quiz?! It's a leading producer of Platinum. Now, catch her! Or I'll raid locusts upon you.
Greg: Ooh! Locusts. Okay. Will do.
Chief: (on phone to Lemke) Say hello to Mrs. Lemke for me.
Shelley: Nobody loves me for my sense of humor or my dashing profile.
Chief: The film center. Now, you know, I had a cousin named Winslow, who was into film. He was a cameraman, and... Well, he was sort of a show-off.
(the camera zooms back and forth while the Chief keeps talking)
Chief: He was always doing trick shots when nobody asked him to, and got him into trouble. And, uh, things the director never asked him to do. So, uh, finally, nobody would hire him, so he just disappeared, and I've often wondered where...
(she suddenly looks at the camera that zooms in on her)
Chief: ...He went. Winslow? Is that you?
(the camera nods)
Chief: Where have you been, Win?! You know, you... Oh! I'm sorry. Uh, Gumshoes, Manila! Go there! The Contessa and the diamonds are there. Get going! Winslow! We've been looking all over for you. You know that?

[edit] Minnehaha: The Filching of the Falls [1.23]

[Double Trouble steal the waterfall Minnehaha.]

Double Trouble: Hey, Carmen, we're in trouble.
Carmen: So, what else is new? Fly to Santiago, then take the falls north to the driest place on earth.
Double Trouble: Where's that?
Carmen: Just west of the Andes in the Atacama Desert. There are parts that haven't rain in 400 years.
Double Trouble: Ooh, that's pretty dry. Doesn't sound like much fun.
Carmen: It's more fun than jail, you twin twits. Now, move it!
Chief: Fine work, Jessica! And I've upgraded your status from Gumshoe to Sleuth!

[edit] The Radioscope Ripoff [1.24]

[RoboCrook steals the Arecibo Radioscope from Puerto Rico.]

Greg: Okay, for our next clue then, Jessica, you may find this one particularly well. We have our next clue coming in from a person who taught M.C. Hammer everything he knows. Take it away, Nana Rap!
Nana: (laughs) You're such a nice young man. I'd be happy to do some chill slammin' and jammin' for ya. Hit it! (rock music plays)
You got the Zoo and the Navy,
But that ain't the scene.
For astronomy heads,
It's the scope that's a dream.
When it comes to star gazin',
Almost nothing is clearer
Than Mt. Palomar's telescope's
200-inch mirror.
So, get yourself to this country
In the Golden State.
That's where Robocrook's chillin'.
There's no time to waste!
You got the Nana! Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na Nana. (laughs)
You got the Nana!
Greg: Nana Rap, ladies and gentlemen!
Carmen: Robo, those ACME agents have found you. Head for an Asian country that was part of French Indochina.
Robo: Please specify. This description fits more than one nation.
Carmen: Very good, Solderhead. Just testing your memory banks. Go to the city of Vientiane. You'll get there in time for Bun Bang Fai. That's the rocket festival.
Robo: Destination acknowledged, but what is the purpose of this festival?
Carmen: It's a wild celebration to kick off the rainy season, so don't forget your rust proofing. Now, get going.

[edit] The Checkmate Checkout [1.26]

[Robocrook steals the Deep Thought chess computer]

Carmen: Robo, those ACME agents are on to you. Head for a large industrial center in Europe.
Robo: An industrial center? Thank you, Carmen. Perhaps I can make friends with the machinery.
Carmen: No social calls, Solderhead. Just hide out. It's a river valley north of Cologne.
Robo: Location acknowledged. Permission requested to seek a humanoid chess partner.
Carmen: You can try, but a traditional hobby there is pigeon racing. Thousands of people do it. There's even a special pigeon hospital in the city of Essen. Now, get moving.

[edit] The Forbidden City Snatch [1.27]

[Double Trouble steal the Forbidden City]

Carmen: Those Gumshoes are on to you. Take the Forbidden City to Basse Terre. That's a city in the French West Indies.
Double Trouble: Well, gee, Carmen, we're not sure just where that is.
Carmen: It's on twin islands with one name.
Double Trouble: Just like us. Cool.
Carmen: You'll love it, guys. There're lots of resorts, and they even got a Mardi Gras festival.
Double Trouble: We're gonna party, party, party!
Carmen: Just lay low or you'll get busted, busted, busted.
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: Please be quiet.
Greg: It's my upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. Come on. Let's find out. Sorry, Mrs. P.
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: I'm peaking a zoofelia and absolute quiet horrible thorn. Look for those nasty boys on the hills above the shores of the Ohio river. You'll find the Bengals at Riverfront Stadium. Now, I must get back to my zoofelia. Shh.
Greg: Thanks a lot, Mrs. P.

[edit] The Case of the Missing Queen [1.28]

[The Contessa steals the RMS Queen Mary]

Scott: (as the Dying Informant) Hey! Could I get a towel?
Greg: Oh, yeah. Could we get a towel for this fine, brave, young man, please?
(Tons of towels get thrown all over Scott)
Scott: Thank you.
Greg: You're welcome. Hey, listen, that was a nice job, by the way. Really nice.
(He helps Scott up)
Greg: Careful. Don't catch colds.
Scott: Need a towel?
Greg: Uh, no. We have plenty. Thanks.
(Scott throws his towels to him anyway)
Greg: All right. Thank you, anyway.
(He dumps the towels onto the floor)
Greg: Scott, ladies and gentlemen.
(Applause)
Chief: Greg?
Greg: Yes? Yes, Chief?
Chief: In my office pronto.
Greg: Okay. All right, I'll be right there. Doesn't seem like she's really herself. Lemme, uh, go check in her. You guys just hang tight right here. Uh, I'll be right back. (enters the office) Chief, what's the matter?
Chief: (in tears) I've begged. I've pleaded. I've cajolled. I've done everything to get this investigation moving!
Greg: But, Chief, listen, you hafta be kinda easy on 'em. I mean, they are rookies. And...
Chief: Oh, I know that. But you don't understand. See, it's my reputations on the line here. Headquarters-- They don't care about those kinda things. They just want results! (voice breaking) And if I don't find Carmen Sandiego, they're gonna take my job away. I need a Kleenex.
Greg: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. Here, here, here, here. (hands the Chief a Kleenex) Here, here, here. Right here. Right here. It's okay. I'm s-- I didn't realize it was gonna get you this upset. (tries to comfort the Chief) I mean, they're just rookies, and I...
Chief: Don't touch me.
Greg: I'm sorry, but I didn't--
Chief: Stop!
Greg: Yes, ma'am. (to the Gumshoes) Listen. If you guys really care about the Chief, you've gotta pull together right now! Okay, come here. (he walks up closer to the camera) I'll make a deal with you. All right? If you find Carmen Sandiego, I'll give you a chance to go on a trip to anywhere in the lower 48 United States!
(the audience cheers and applauds)
Greg: Huh? All right.
Chief: Greg.
Greg: Yeah, Chief?
Chief: Greg, isn't that bribery?
Greg: Oh, no, we're calling it incentive.
Chief: Oh, that's all right. Uh, Greg?
Greg: (walks up to the Chief) Yeah, Chief? Yes?
Chief: Go away.
Greg: Yes, ma'am. (he exits the office) All right. Listen very closely. Gumshoes at home, we're trying to find the Contessa, who has taken the Queen Mary. If we do that, we'll be able to get Carmen Sandiego, and possibly a trip. I need your help. Matter of fact, I need everybody's help. Crew, are you behind me?
Production Crew: YEAH!
Greg: Rockapella, are you?
Sean, Scott, Barry, and Elliot: YEAH!!
Greg: Audience, are you behind me?!
Audience: YEAH!!!
Greg: Well, all right, then! Let's do this thing! Come on, let's do it!
Contessa: (says something in Italian) I'm so seasick!
Carmen: You don't have time to be sick now! They're on to you! Hide the ship in a bay, the one with the highest tides in the world. Up to 70 feet.
Contessa: Oh, no! Please! My stomach can't take it!
Carmen: Set your course northeast, to the inlet between Nova Scotia and New Brunswick. And take a bromo.
Contessa: Next time, I take a plane!

[edit] Raceway Ripoff [1.29]

[Grunge steals the Indianapolis Motor Speedway]

Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: Zip that incessant chatter down there!
Greg: Oh, goody. It's our upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. (laughs)
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: I'm sick to death of your tiresome meangerings. Grunge has taken the speedway to the Amalfi Drive. A beautiful and treacherous mountain road. He's headed for a city near there. It's just west of Pompeii. The ancient roman town that was destroyed by the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius. Now, go find him and leave me in peace. (closes her window)
Greg: (waves goodbye) Thank you. (heads back to the gumshoes) Gosh, she's so sweet. Isn't she?
Carmen: Grunger, they're on to you, but I've got a surprise. Take the speedway to some islands where there aren't any roads.
Grunge: No roads, Carmen? (coughs) Don't the people there drive?
Carmen: That's my surprise, fumeface. They're uninhabited. So, there's no one you can offend.
Grunge: No people, Carmen? Where on earth--
Carmen: I was just getting to that. These British islands are in the South Atlantic at the east end of the Scotia Sea. Just think, piston breath. You'll have that speedway to yourself.

[edit] The Case of the Reef Thief [1.31]

[The Contessa steals Australia's Great Barrier Reef]

Contessa: Carmen, I think they're on to me! Send me someplace really fabulous!
Carmen: Sorry, glamour-puss. Take the reef to a beach town in New Jersey.
Contessa: (gasps) Ah, the one with the casinos!
Carmen: No, it has no casinos. But it has a famous boardwalk and an old bar called The Stone Pony, where Bruce Springsteen's Band started out.
Contessa: Carmen, I want glamour! Not an old bar!
Carmen: Tough, toots. Have some cotton candy for me.

[edit] The Great Head Heist [1.33]

[Grunge has stolen the Easter Island Head statues]

Scott: Fjord!
Sean, Barry, and Elliot: FJORD!
Scott: Viking!
Sean, Barry, and Elliot: VIKING!
Greg: "Viking".
Scott: Scandanavia!
Sean, Barry, and Elliot: SCANDANAVIA!
Greg: "Scandanavia". Thanks, guys.

[edit] The Troubled Triangle [1.35]

[Double Trouble steal the Bermuda Triangle]

Greg: I'm not exactly sure where Double Trouble took the Triangle.
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: Now you've done it!
Greg: That's my upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. C'mon. (he looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger's window)
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: You've really done it this time. You've ruined all the maps! While you're down there being indecisive, a vital spot in New York has vanished into the Triangle! It's the spot mapmakers use to measure road miles from New York City. And now, it's just a big hole! Traffic's a nightmare on Broadway! Now, get out there and do something! (she frantically closes her window)
Greg: Jonathan Swift was a writer born in Ireland. His story about a gentle giant in the land of Lilipud has become a classic. In the story-- (Frank rings in) Frank.
Frank: The Jolly Green Giant?
(BUZZER!)
Greg: I'm sorry. That's not the answer we're looking for. In the story, Jack and the Beanstalk-- Is the story Jack and the Beanstalk, Ghostbusters, or Gulliver's Travels? (Judd rings in) Judd.
Judd: Ellivle's-- Gulliver-- Gulliver's Travels.
Greg: I think we can accept that. Gulliver's Travels. Yeah. I know exactly what you're goin' through there, pal.
Carmen: Those ACME agents are closing in fast. Hop into the triangle and disappear.
Double Trouble: Geez, Carmen, we could make ACME disappear!
Carmen: A lovely thought, boys, but I got another idea. Go to an Italian city and stash the triangle in St. Mark's Square. You will have arrived just in time for the Biennale.
Double Trouble: The Bie-what, Carmen?
Carmen: The Biennale. It's a world-famous art show that happens every 2 years. Simply everyone will be there, boys. Don't miss it.
Double Trouble: Geez, Carmen, we love those artist types; we're on our way!
Rockapella (singing): Spooky Triangle!
Greg: Nice Job, You got Double Trouble. There's one more thing you gotta do now, and that's put 'em in jail. Pull this train-- cha-- trains...
(Judd pulls the chain, and Double Trouble ends up in jail)
Greg: This chain and do it! (Rockapella does Double Trouble's in jail tune) We normally have a train here that you pull, but we had a chain here today.

[edit] The Case of the Purloined Pipeline [1.38]

[Grunge steals the Alaska Pipeline]

(Greg enters the Chief's office to find her gone)
Greg: Hey, Chief! Chief! The Chief's not here. Guess I'll just have to wait for her. (laughs; sits at her desk) This is nice. I like this. This is pretty. (examines some of her things) Cool. Look at all this stuff she has. (magnifies his eye with her magnifying glass) Whoo-whoo-whoo! (laughs) (imitates the Chief's voice) Greg, you're the nerve-center of this whole operation. You're the only one I could count on. Carmen Sandiego is somewhere in the universe, Greg. The boys down at Photo Recon have put together a few slides. Let me show 'em to ya. (turns on the slide projector displaying a blank image) Earth. Population 5,000,000,000. Nice place. Try food. It's a local specialty. (displays a second blank image) The sun. Climate sunny. Don't go barefoot. (laughs and displays a third blank image) Black hole. Roaches check in, but they don't check out! (displays a fourth blank image) Carmen may be prowling around Pluto or hiding on Uranus. Search 'em both. Well, gumshoes, that's the universe. (the Chief walks in) Remember the ACME Triangle of Excellence. (forms the triangle with his hands) My left hand. My right hand. Thumbs. Greg, you're not listening to me. GRE--!
Chief: (turns off the projector) GREG!
Greg (normal voice) Oh! Hey. Sorry. Hi, Chief.
Chief: Wha-- You're wasting time! Now, you and the gumshoes have got to find Carmen Sandiego. I'll give a trip anywhere in the lower 48 states to the one who gets her. (applause)
Greg: Chief, listen. Uh, I hope you don't think that I was makin' fun of you because actually it was more of a tribute.
Chief: Go away.
Greg: Yes, ma'am. (exits the office)
Chief: I don't sound like that.
Carmen: Grunge, you'd better hide that oil where ACME can't find you. Head for the southern end of the Arabian Peninsula. It'll cost you a few Rials to stay in a hotel. You'll love the place. Water's an extremely short supply.
Grunge: Great. No danger of a bath.
Carmen: But you'll have to wear a shirt.
Grunge: Why?
Carmen: It's an Islamic country, Grunge. They find uncovered arms offensive.
Grunge: Gee, Carmen, I like to think that my arms are offensive anywhere.
Carmen: Why me?

[edit] Monumental Malfeasance [1.39]

[Eartha Brute steals the Washington Monument]

Eartha: This thing's gettin' awful heavy.
Carmen: Quit your bellyaching. ACME's closing in on you. Take the monument to Monument Valley and hide it behind a butte.
Eartha: But--
Carmen: Not but. Butte. It's a giant rock formation. You'll find it in a southwestern state near the Four Corners.
Eartha: But--
Carmen: Butte. Butte, you Brute.
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: Quit your yacking and find that obelisk!
Greg: Oh, man. This is my upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. C'mon. Hey. Hey, what's an obelisk?
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: You nimmy. The Washington Monument is an obelisk. A stone manulife that papers to a pyramid at the top. Eartha's in a country where the earliest known obelisks were erected. An abu care. Now, catch her and keep your nasty voices quiet.
Greg: Thank you, love of my life. (blows kisses)

[edit] The Time Bandit [1.43]

[Robocrook steals the Aztec calendar.]

Carmen: Go south of Israel along the Red Sea. I want you to head for Mecca. It's the Arab city where Mohammed was born.
Robo: Clarify. Who is Mohammed?
Carmen: You Tinhead. He's the founder of Islam. One of the biggest religions in the world. Stop outside of the city, though you can't enter if you're not Muslim.
Robo: Acknowledged. When do I arrive?
Carmen: In the Islamic year of 1412.
Robo: Isn't that 579 years ago?
Carmen: No. In Mecca, it's right now.
Greg: Now, bad news, Gumshoes. Uh, we didn't get--
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: Will you knock it off down there?!
Greg: Oh, no. That's my upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger.
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: I'm sick of your noise! He went here. He went there. Look on the south pacific island of ʻEua. Just west of the International Date Line, for goodness sakes! It's close to Samoa. Now, go get him and stop making such a racket!

[edit] The Return of Dracula's Castle [1.55]

[RoboCrook steals the Bran Castle from Transylvania, Romania.]

Robo: The probabilities of your capture of Carmen will be accelerated if I supply you with pertinent information. Look for her in Asia.
Greg: What you have to do now is track Carmen Sandiego through 7 different countries, identifying each country with a marker. If you're right, you'll hear this sound. (siren sounds) But if you're wrong, you'll hear this sound. (BUZZER!) Now, if you're wrong 2 times, don't worry about it, leave the marker where it is, go on to the next one. But if you're right 7 times, within 60 seconds, then you're gonna win that trip to wherever you wrote down in that portfolio just a minute ago. Sound okay to you?
Dhaval: Yeah.
Greg (to the audience): Sound okay to you, guys?
Audience: YEAH!!!

[edit] The Purloined Pooch [1.58]

[Patty Larceny steals the Lhasa Apso]

Chief: I want results, Greg! I want you to find Patty! I want you to bring back that pooch! Lhasa Apsa... What's his name?
Greg: Lhasa Apso. Yep.
Chief: Yeah. If you get Patty, she will lead us to Carmen Sandiego, and that's what I want! Now, report, Buster!
Greg: Okay. Well, we had a talking yak for a while, which kinda threw us for a little bit. But...
Chief: All right. Wait. I'll sweeten the pot for the Gumshoes. (to the Gumshoes) Gumshoes, find Carmen, and I will send you anywhere in the whole country.
Greg: Uh, Chief.
Chief: What?
Greg: (whispers) We can't do that.
Chief: Why not?
Greg: We're talkin' 'bout budget. (whispers an idea to the Chief)
Chief: Oh. (to the Gumshoes) Anywhere in the lower 48 states.
Greg: Hey!
(the audience cheers and applauds)
Chief: Hey, it's still a heck of a deal!
Greg: Heck of a deal!
Chief: Yeah. (to Greg) Go away.
Greg: Yes, ma'am. Okay.
(he exits the office)
Greg: Everything's okay.
Patty: If it isn't too much trouble, please bring 100,000,000 lire to the Via De La Scrofa. I'll be enjoying fettucine at Alfredo's. If I don't get the money by the time they serve the cappuccino, Apso will become a little dog gone. Molto grazia. I mean, thank you so very much. Ciao!
Greg: Hmm. Nothin' like a polite threat!

[edit] The Disoriented Express [1.62]

[Double Trouble steals the TGV Train]

Greg: Chief, d'you have any money?

[edit] Island Copping [1.63]

[Patty Larceny steals the Hawaiian Island of Kure.]

Patty: Aunt Carmen, they're closing in fast. What should I do?
Carmen: Hide on the world's largest island. Then rent a dog sled. That's how some of the children get to school there.
Patty: Sounds cold.
Carmen: It is. Most of the island is covered by ice a mile thick.
Patty: Anything else I should know?
Carmen: Yes, dear. Brush up on your Danish. The island is a province of Denmark.
Greg: (about Scott the Dying Informant, prior to the 2nd round) He's really starting to annoy me.

[edit] The Costume Caper [1.65]

[Double Trouble steals Madame Tussaud's wax figures]

Carmen: Head for Kyoto. When you see fire on a mountain in the shape of a symbol for big, you'll know you're there.
Double Trouble: Sounds like fun. What's the occasion?
Carmen: It's the Daimonji festival. The end of the Bon season. When the spirits of the dead return to earth.
Double Trouble: Geez, sounds kinda scary to us, Carmen.
Carmen: Don't worry, it's a celebration.
Double Trouble: Hey, celebration's our middle name.
Chief: This is Lynne Thigpen speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, and remember, if you get robbed, don't worry, Jack. We'll find your stuff and give it back!

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Carmen's Final Location

  • Double Trouble: We're doin' the jailhouse rock. But it just isn't a party without Carmen Sandiego. You'll find her in (continent)/The USA. (Version A)
  • Vic: If I gotta make one more license plate, I'm gonna melt my polyester! Go get Carmen to help me! She's in (continent)/The USA. (Version A)
  • Robo: RoboCrook in jail? Carmen's still free? Illogical. Does not compute. Look for Carmen in (continent)/The USA. (Version A)
  • Grunge: Hey! I've got some good dirt for ya. Then again, all dirt is good. Anyway, Carmen Sandiego is in (continent)/The USA. (coughs and sneezes) (Version A)
  • Patty: This jail is so neat. All the colors match! Gray, gray and gray. I want Carmen to enjoy it, too. Look for her in (continent)/The United States. (Version A)
  • Eartha: This is Eartha Brute calling. All I do here in jail is split rocks. I've never been so happy in all my life. Bring Carmen over to share in the fun. You'll find her in (continent)/The USA. (Version A)
  • Wonder Rat: Nobody here in jail appreciates my classic good looks! Get Carmen in here! She loves me! You'll find her in (continent)/The United States of America. (Version A)
  • Vic: Carmen's commitin' crimes while I'm penned up in prison, playin' poker for peanuts! You can find Carmen in (continent)/The USA. (Version B)
  • Wonder Rat: If there's one thing a rat can do, it's rat! If you wanna find Carmen Sandiego, sniff around (continent)/The U.S of A. (Version B)
  • Patty: Carmen's still free and I'm not! Well, she can just go to fiddlesticks. Better yet, she can go to jail. To arrest her, go to (continent)/The USA. (Version B)
  • Kneemoi: Gee, another amazing Earth concept. Jail! I must show this to Carmen. Look for her in (continent)/The United States of America. (Version A)
  • Grunge: I'm gettin' lonely here in jail. Me without Carmen is like a dog without a flea. (coughs) You'll find her in (continent)/The USA. (sneezes) (Version B)
  • Robo: It really burns my fuses that Carmen is still free. To find her, scan (continent)/The USA. (Version B)
  • Double Trouble: The warden threw a party in the county jail. The prison band was there and they began to wail... for Carmen Sandiego. Go find her in (continent)/The USA. (Version B)
  • Eartha: Gee, I'm mad at Carmen! She's out there, running around, having fun, while I'm stuck in jail! You'll find her in (continent)/The USA. (Version B)

[edit] Disturbing the Heavenly Peace [2.1]

[Double Trouble steal Tiananmen Square.]

Chief: (After Double Trouble's profile) Pilfering and partying are the primary preferences of this pair of perpetrators.
Conrad Knuckle: (as the Chief) Greg, in my office on the double.
Greg: Okay, Chief. I'll be right there. You guys stay here. I wanna check with her. Gotta fix that sound. (enters the Chief's office) Chief, what's up?
Conrad: Greg, what's the latest on Carmen Sandiego?
Greg: Whoa, Chief. (imitates Conrad) "What's the latest on Carmen Sandiego?". (normal voice) You sound kinda weird today. What's in your voice?
Conrad: Well, Greg, that's because I'm not myself.
Greg: Okay, if you're not yourself,... then who are ya?!
Conrad: I'm Conrad Knuckle, joint director for E.M.C.A., another anti-crime agency.
Greg: EMCA? Hey, wait a minute, that's ACME spelled backwards.
Conrad: Yes. I've taken over the Chief's mind for awhile.
Greg: Well, when are you gonna stop being Conrad Knuckle, (furiously) and start being my beloved Chief again?!
Conrad: All right! As soon as I make this offer to your gumshoes. My organization, EMCA, will send whoever catches Carmen on a free trip to the sausage packing room of Mueller's meat company in Beaver Dam, Wisconsin.
Greg: Gee, Conrad, that's a nice offer, but it's not really the ACME way. I'm not sayin' it's a bad deal or anything. I'm just--
Conrad: What do you suggest?
Greg: Well, how about offering a trip to anywhere in North America to the gumshoe who captures Carmen Sandiego?
Conrad: Hmm, yeah. That might be better incentive than the meat thing. Okay. Anywhere in North America, it is.
Greg: Great.
Conrad: Now, to get me to leave the Chief's body, you must hit my shoulder repeatedly with a squeaking toy hammer.
Greg: Well, what a coincidence. (pulls one out of his jacket) Just happen to have one right here. (starts hitting the shoulder)
Chief: Greg! What on earth are you doing?!
Greg: Chief, you're back. Hi. See, your body was filled with Conrad Knuckle. He's the head of EMCA which is still good guys, but it's ACME spelled backwards, and he said I, uh, had to hit you with this. (hands the Chief the squeaking toy hammer) I'm gonna go-- Glad you're back. (exits the office)
Greg: (in feminine voice) Okay. Back to work.
(he reacts and hits himself with the hammer)
Greg: (normal voice) Okay. Back to work.
Rockapella: (each time Tiananmen Square is revealed in the 2nd round)
Asian burglary!
Ragin' Asian!
Tension's mounting!
Pressure's building!
Go, Lindsey!
Go, Santhosh!
Go, team, go!
Jeremy: Hello? No! You cannot be on Growing Pains. Oh. (to Lindsey) It's for you. (hands Lindsey the phone)
Lindsey: Hello?

(Double Trouble tells Lindsey to go to Asia)

Greg: So what did they say?
Lindsey: Um… Asia!
Greg: …Asia!
Jeremy: …Asia!
Greg: So that means you and I are going to… Asia!
Jeremy: …Asia!
Chief: You've done great work today. (knocks on her desk) And we're proud of you. A-- (notices that the screen isn't popping up) WALTER!! (Walter the Television appears with the magnifying glass) A big congratulations to both of you. (she grabs the magnifying glass) I salute you! (holds a magnifying glass on one of her eye)

[edit] The Immigration Station Perpetration [2.2]

[Double Trouble steal Ellis Island]

Rockapella: (each time Ellis Island is revealed in the 2nd round; the first three are parts of the "Gilligan's Island" theme song)
A three hour tour!
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale!
The movie star!
The Loot!

[edit] The Blarney Burglary [2.3]

[Vic the Slick steals the Blarney Stone]

Chief: (after Vic's Profile) He thinks he's a high living playboy, but he's really just a low rent hustler.
Chief: (as her office tilts to the left) Greg, come into my office.
Greg: Right, Chief. I'll be right there. You guys stay here. I wanna check with her. Looks like this may be serious. Be right back. (enters the office) Chief,-- (the office tilts to the right) Whoa! Chief, what's happin' today?
Chief: Well, the office is being balanced today.
Greg: Balanced?
Chief: Mm-hmm.
Greg: What do you mean balanced?
Chief: Well, as a building gets older, it settles usually unevenly and every few years, the ACME Balancing Bureau. They come in and they rebalance my office.
Greg: No kiddin'.
Chief: Yeah.
Greg: (wiggles around, which causes the office to do the same) It's somethin'. (laughs)
Chief: Yeah. Uh, how close are you to nabbing Carmen?
Greg: Well, that's a very good question, Chief. You know, she can be very elusive sometimes. Sometimes, she's over here. (runs the left side of the office and it tilts in that direction)
Chief: Whoa!
Greg: And we think we've got her and (runs back to the right and the office tilts in that direction) we've gotta move back over this way and she's right-- You feelin' okay there, Chief? You look maybe sick.
Chief: I get the point, Greg.
Greg: i would hope so, Chief. You know, sometimes, when I think it's some of the capers she's pulled, it turns my stomach, too.
Chief: Yeah.
Greg: Uh, what do you think we oughta give the gumshoe that captures Carmen Sandiego? You know, I've been thinkin' about this and part of me sayin-- (he is about to make the office tilt to the left, but the Chief stops him)
Chief: Greg. Let's give the gumshoe who nabs Carmen Sandiego a free trip to anywhere in North America! (applause)
Greg: That's good.
Chief: Yeah.
Greg: That's good. Because that way (runs to the left) when she's over here.
Chief: Greg!
Greg: We're gonna know when she's right there. And then right before she moves, (runs to the right) we'll be right over there. Chief, you don't look so good.
Chief: Greg, I'll feel a lot better when you go away.
Greg: Chief, someday you're gonna miss me. (run to the left and back to the right and exits the office)
Vic: Carmen, I don't know about this Blarney Stone. It hasn't changed the way I talk at all.
Carmen: That's because you're already full of Blarney, Vic. Listen. Head for the rocky cliffs of the Monterey Peninsula. This area used to supply sand to the golf courses all over the country.
Vic: Hey, I love Golf!
Carmen: You'll be near the town where celebrities come every year to Golf in the National Pro-Am tournament. Bing Crosby founded the tourney in 1936.
Vic: Hey, I love Bing, too. (sings "White Christmas") I'm dreamin' of a White Christmas. (laughs)
Rockapella: (as the Blarney Stone is revealed) Blarney Rubble!

[edit] A Carmen for Carmen [2.5]

[Vic the Slick steals Carmen Island.]

Carmen: They're on to you, Vic. Hide Carmen Island on Devil's Island in South America.
Vic: You mean the famous prison?
Carmen: It's not a prison anymore. Now tourists go there believe it or not, and it's in the same place that the launch site used by the European space program.
Vic: I didn't know Europe was puttin' people in orbit.
Carmen: Not people. Satellites. The space program is run as a business. They launch satellites for companies and other nations.
Vic: A space business, huh? Geez, those frequent flier miles must really add up.
Joey: Okay, gumshoes. Look for Vic in Asir National Park. There's hiking, cool temperatures, and mountain scenery, and it's a Mideast nation with one of the world's largest deserts. The desert's about the size of France, but so hot and so dry that almost no one goes there. No wonder Vic headed for the hills, but you gotta keep the heat on.
Rockapella: (each time Carmen Island is revealed in the 2nd round)
Beach booty!
Mr. Lonely!
No cable!
Lost lagoon!
Far from Greg's house!
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale!
Lookin' for an island!
Lil' buddy!
Let's go to Greg's house!

[edit] No Brainer [2.6]

[RoboCrook steals a Brain Institute.]

Contractor: You guys are great. You know what else I like? I like every day, (to Greg) when you come into the office here, (to the Chief) and you tell him (Greg) to...
Greg and The Chief: "Go away.". (they all laugh, and the contractor heads back to work)
Greg: Well, he really likes that part.
Chief: You, too.
Greg: Yes, ma'am. (he exits the office)
Greg: I tell ya, Norm Abram would be proud! (laughter)
(Rockapella parodies "The Brady Bunch" theme song)
Scott: Here's the story of the Florida city...
That was founded back in 1824.
As the capital of the territory.
Who could ask for more?
It's a college town, and Robo's got the brains.
At FSU and ANM, he stopped for lunch.
Then he did a little fishing at Lake Jackson.
And that's where Robo stashed the Brainy Bunch.
Sean: Oh, the Brainy Bunch.
Scott and Elliot: Brainy Bunch.
Sean: The Brainy Bunch.
Scott and Elliot: Brainy Bunch.
All: That is where Robo stashed the Brainy Bunch!
Sean: Oh, yeah!
All: Ba-da ba-da ba-ba-da-bop!
Greg: Rockapella, ladies and gentlemen!
Greg: (about Robo during The Chase round) He hid out in the capital of Georgia. Name it. (Kristyna buzzes in)
Greg: Kristyna?
Kristyna: What is Atlanta? (laughter)
Greg: Atlanta's right! Welcome to Jeopardy! and Carmen Sandiego.
Greg: (imitates Alex Trebek's voice) Hi. I'm Alex Trebek, and now it's time for final clue of this round (normal voice) which means you have to decide how much you wanna to risk.
Rockapella: Goin' out of my head over you!

[edit] The Autobahn Con [2.7]

[Grunge steals the Autobahn]

Grunge: Wow. What a great road. No speed limit! (laughs)
Carmen: Stop laughing and start leaving, asphalt breath. I want you to haul the highway to N'Djamena. It's the capital of a landlocked African nation.
Grunge: I don't know, Carmen. Ain't there a war goin' on?
Carmen: Not anymore. The Muslim nomads in the north and the non-Muslim farmers in the south used to fight each other, but that's over. If the city's too risky, head north to the mountains of the Sahara Desert. And get a camel their blanket. It's cold there.
Grunge: Sounds kinda itchy, Carmen. You know how sensitive my skin is.
Carmen: That's only because you never washed it.
(garbled audio)
Greg: 'Scuse me just one moment. I think I'm getting a message from Kafka. (sets off for The Roach Hotel) Let's check into The Roach Hotel.
Kafka: Greg, hi. You caught me eating lunch. Anyway, Grunge is on a Peninsula in the Atlantic. Where birds from all over stop on their way south every year. Humans seem to like it, too. The town on the Peninsula's tip is full of lovely Victorian boarding houses and Hotels. The birds like it. The humans like it, but it just isn't damp and stinky enough for a roach like me. Speaking of damp and stinky, I love these things. They're awful.

[edit] The Cave Art Caper [2.8]

[Patty Larceny steals the Lascaux Cave paintings.]

Chief: (after Patty's Profile is shown) She's the most dangerous criminal who ever polished an apple. Oh, 'scuse me. You've got to grab a bite to eat while you can on this job, hm? I just can't resist a plate of fried shrimp, but let's get down to business.
Greg: Thanks, Chief. Will do. Uh, enjoy your lunch.
Greg: Yeah, yeah. He just can't seem to keep his beak shut!
Greg: All right gumshoes… (Acts disgusted) Pardon me, I'm better now.
Chief: (in a high squeaky voice) Greg, come into my office. And hurry!
Greg: Okay, Chief. I'll-- I'll be right there. You guys wanna stay here. Uh, looks like the Chief might need me. (enters the Chief's office) Chief!? Hey, Chief… Wow, that's odd. WHOA! Look at the size of that bug on the Chief's desk! I'll squash it with this book.
Chief: No, Greg! No! No! No! It's me! The Chief!
Greg: Chief?! That's you?! That's an amazing disguise! How'd you get so tiny?!
Chief: The gang at ACME Shrinking-Things Net accidentally shrunk me, so, uh, the effects haven't worn off yet.
Greg: Well that's too bad, Chief. I guess you could say they made a *tiny* mistake.
Chief: Greg.
Greg: It was just a little joke, Chief. Come on! Look on the bright side. You'll never be late cuz you know all the shortcuts. (laughs)
Chief: Greg?
Greg: Come on, you can always get work as a short-order cook! (laughs)
Chief: That will be quite enough, Greg! Now, listen. You go back and tell the gumshoes, that the one who captures Carmen Sandiego will get an all-expenses-paid trip to anywhere in North America!
Greg: That's good, Chief. A little *wee* bit of incentive. (laughs)
Chief: You're making me mad, Greg!
Greg: Now, Chief, don't get short-tempered! I mean, you can always get into the movies for half-price, and you'll be the last one to know that it's raining.
(all of a sudden, the Chief returns to her normal size)
Chief: Greg?
Greg: Uh... H-h-hi, Chief?
Chief: Go away!
(Greg exits the office)
Greg: Didn't really matter. I was outta small jokes anyway.
Carmen: The gumshoes are after you, Patty. Take the cave paintings to the northernmost part of the Indian Ocean.
Patty: Is it a gulf?
Carmen: No, it's a sea.
Patty: But I thought a sea was an inland body of saltwater.
Carmen: Not this one. It's part of the ocean that extends into the continent.
Patty: But that's a gulf!
Carmen: It looks like a gulf, but it's called a sea! See?
Patty: Si. Uh, I mean, yes.
Carmen: Good. Cruise up the coast of Oman. Maybe ACME will think you're just another oil-tanker.
Patty: Carmen, who do you think I am? Top Grunge?!
Cree: Patty Larceny, you just flunked current events! EEEHHH! Thanks for playing Patty.
Charnelle: EEEHHH!
Chief: They named a small hill after one sibling, a road after another, but, the oldest son, Kyi, they named the whole town after him, Kiev. Now, this will come as no surprise to anyone who has a big brother.
(an image of a decaying skeleton is shown)
Chief: Talk to our agent on the inside. He's been there for quite awhile, so he knows what's up. And don't let the disguise fool you, he's a heck of a dancer! And now, you'd better to some fancy stepping too, gumshoes. Patty and the Lascaux Cave paintings are in Kiev. Go get 'em.
Rockapella: (each time the Lascaux Cave paintings are revealed in the 2nd round)
Lascaux Van Gough!
Subterranean Scratchings!
Barry: Gentlemen, dip your brushes.
Greg: (laughs) What?!
Chief: This is Lynne Thigpen speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? and remember: If you're a villain, we'll burst your bubble. When crooks meet ACME, their troubles double!

[edit] Trouble On Tanganyika [2.9]

[Eartha Brute steals the Liemba Ferry.]

Chief: (as her phone rings constantly) Greg, come here to my office.
Greg: Yes, ma'am. I'll-- I'll be right there. You guys stay here. I wanna check with her. Somethin' strange is goin' on. (he enters the office) Chief, your phone's ringing.
Chief: It's been ringing all day, but whenever I pick it up, there's no one on the other end.
Greg: Here, let me try it. (picks up the phone) ACME Crimenet! Yeah, she's right here. (hands the Chief the phone) It's for you, Chief.
Chief: Hello? Hello? Hello?! Oh, fools, (hangs up the phone) they did it again! Look, it's probably Carmen after all. She knows it's a fine mess when I can't answer my own phone.
Greg: Chief, wait a minute. There's somethin' in your ear. That's why--
Chief: What?
Greg: There's something in your ear!
Chief: Oh, there is?
Greg: Yeah. Lemme-- You want me to get it out? (pulls out an earplug) Oh, Chief, no wonder you couldn't hear. You had an earplug in your ear.
Chief: (laughs) Of course. It was noisy last night. I put in my earplugs. That's much better.
Greg: I think that's so. Yeah. Now, is there anything you want me to tell my gumshoes today?
Chief: Yes. Tell them if Ca