Cats & Dogs
- You're all asking how can we possibly speed the allergy to the world?! Open your world domination pamphlets and I'll show you. Enter the sewers and with the maps in appendix B you'll cross the nation. Half go to homes infecting every human inside, while the rest will stow away on planes, boats, trains, submarines and dirigibles that lead to every corner of the world. With dogs out of the way, then cats will overthrow the humans and you will be given your much-deserved reward: 16 pounds of Monterrey Jack and the continent of Australia!
- [Pretending to be Mr. Mason] Attention, human workers! [Loud interference from the microphone] OW! This is your employer, Mr. Mason. Effective immediately, you are all fired. That's right, fired! Go home now. Do not ask why. You have no one to blame but yourselves. Unless you have a dog. Then you can blame him. In fact, you know what? Kick him, when you get home. That is all. Cats rule.
- And now for the next phase of my brilliant plan!
- Who will triumph in this battle of wits and might? It is I!
- Evil does not wear a bonnet!
- The puppy won't survive the night. Send in the ninjas.
- [Repeated line, last said when he is living with Sophe and her sisters, being made to try on numerous colorful costumes and outfits] This can't be happening.
- [Looking at the door to Mr. Brody's lab] Hmph! Piece of junk American door.
- [Setting explosives on the door to Mr. Brody's lab] I cannot believe I do this job at half price... and that Tinkles he is a jerk. He talk too much and shed all over.
- [Watching Lou spin through the air after being hit by the Russian's boomerang] Hmm. A flying dog.
- [Being interrogated] I will tell you nothing! I may look cute and cuddly, but inside... GRANITE!
- [Spits out hairball] I think not, baby puppy. It is you who is in trouble!
- Ninja Cat Leader: On my mark! Three! Two! One!
- Ninja Cat Team and Leader: BANZAI!
[The Ninjas drop from the planes and deploy their parachutes after several seconds of freefall]
- Mr. Tinkles: [Examining a roll as he speaks] The ninjas failed, and failure is unacceptable! If they ever show their faces again, you know what to do.
- Calico: Yes. Tell them to wash with a loofah sponge. Kidding! Hello? Joke!
- Mr. Tinkles: This can't be happening. [Slams the roll on the end table] I want them eliminated!
- Calico: But they did manage to bug the phone. I think we should just think of the glass as, half full.
[Mr. Tinkles growls and throws the roll at Calico]
- Calico: Ow! Th-that's what I like to do.
- Mr. Tinkles: Oh, putting a happy face on. What an interesting philosophy. At what point did you forget WE'RE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD?!
- Lou: I'm onto you, kitty, and you're in big trouble.
- Russian Kitty: [in a deep Russian accent] I think not, baby puppy. It is you who is in trouble. [splits a hairball-shaped container in half and slaps a gigantic lump of steaming dog poo in the middle of the carpet] From Russia with love.
- Lou: Uh-oh.
- Russian Kitty: Stealth poop.
[Mrs. Brody walks into the room, sees the poop, and assuming it to have been done by Lou puts him outside. This leaves the Russian Kitty free to go to work on the door, as the Russian intended]
- Mrs. Brody: Bad dog!
- Mr. Tinkles: [Annoyed] Were you not paying attention?
- Calico: Not really. Are you mad?
- Mr. Tinkles: YES! I AM MAD!
- Mr. Tinkles: I want you to stay here.
- Calico: Why?
- Mr. Tinkles: Because I hate you. [Closes the door, leaving Calico locked inside]
- Calico: [Begins pawing desperately at the door] NO! NOOO! LET ME OUT! NOOOO!
- Sam: Sir, request permission to pant heavily, sir!
- Butch: Granted.
- Lou: Hey, you stupid cat!
- Peek: That'll get his attention.
- Peek: Cut the red wire.
- Butch: Wait a minute. We're dogs. We're color blind!
- Scotty: Loser.
- Lou: Cat person.
- Lou: You should've fought for me! For my family!
- Butch: Why? What good would it do?
- Lou: What about "Man's Best Friend." History 101, remember?
- Butch: Okay, well, here's lesson number 2: We protect them, we work for them. We tolerate thier stupid boochy-boochy baby talk crap. AND FOR WHAT? When they go off to college, they dump you with some old lady who couldn't throw a ball without so much as BREAKING HER HIP! [He starts walking away]
- Lou: Is that what happend to you? [Butch stops] You gonna blame my family for what some boy did to you?
- Butch: [Looks at Lou, shocked. Then walks to the fence-door] Look, kid... I'm sorry it played out like this... but it's over. We're shut down. [Fence-door closes.]
- Butch: Son of my mom!
- Jeff Goldblum - Professor Brody
- Elizabeth Perkins - Mrs. Brody
- Alexander Pollock - Scotty Brody
- Tobey Maguire - Lou (voice)
- Alec Baldwin - Butch (voice)
- Joe Pantoliano - Peek (voice)
- Michael Clarke Duncan - Sam (voice)
- Susan Sarandon - Ivy (voice)
- Sean Hayes - Mr. Tinkles (voice)
- Jon Lovitz - Calico (voice)