Cheaper by the Dozen (2003 film)
- Directed by Shawn Levy, Written by Craig Titley, Sam Harper, Joel Cohen, & Alec Sokolow
 Tom Baker
- You soaked his underwear in meat. That is so wrong. Funny, but wrong.
- Okay, enough is enough! You're slacking on your chores, you're fighting at school, things are out of control! As of right now, you are all grounded. What's grounded? I'll tell you what grounded is, except for attending games, you go to school, you come home from school, you do your chores, you do your homework, you go to bed, and that's it! Oh, Yes Sarah, I know, it sucks but that's the way it is. That's exactly what it means. You are going to miss it! Now go to bed.
- Get my kids and meet me at my house. Ready? Break.
- (On the phone trying to get a babysitter) How many? Well, when you get over here we can just count 'em up! (Next call) How many kids do I have? Twelve. But one doesn't live with me, and one you never see 'cause he's so mad! (Next call) Just...just...just twelve. (Next call) Hello! I'll just hang up on myself.
- If I screw up raising my kids, nothing I achieve will matter much.
- You have a dark gift, Sarah Baker.
 Kate Baker
- I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland we had a mess of theories about how to raise children. We still have a mess of children, but no theories. Sure, 12 is still our number. It's the number of months my book was on the bestseller list. It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home. And each day it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family.
- Tom: You were checking me out, weren't you?
- Kate: Yes, I was. You got a problem with that?
- Tom: Twelve kids later and we still got the heat!
- Kate: Woo!
- Kate: Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse for excessive force has been lifted, so you're going today.
- Sarah: Yes!
- Kate: Henry, you have band practice, all right? I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't play with your food in your mouth again. Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request that you do not correct her in front of the class. Mike, you have show-and-tell today. And please, honey, remember that body parts do not count. Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist appointment at 3:00, so you're going to work with Dad.
- Nigel and Kyle: Yeah! (yell)
- Tom: (yells)
- Tina Shenk: Is Jake your only child?
- Kate: Oh, no. We have 12.
- Tom: I couldn't keep her off me.
- Charlie: Did I mention I don't like you very much?
- Tom: Yeah, you mentioned that.
- Charlie: Then I'm good.
- Hank: It's getting so as I can hardly go out in public any more. I mean, really, between the autograph hounds and the paparazzi...
- Kate: Autographs and everything? I mean, just the one commercial, and you have paparazzi?
- Hank: Yeah. I've never actually seen them, but, you know, they hide in the bush and they get their shot.
- Mark: Have you seen my frog, Dad?
- Tom: Sorry, Charlie... er, Nigel... Kyle.
- Mark: It's Mark.
- Tom: I knew that.
- Jake: Dude two words; need new skates.
- Kate: Dude three words; Paper route. (computer recieves a message. Says Nora's message) "Hi, can't make dinner. Hank and I are moving into our new apartment. Love Nora"
- Mark: Have you seen Beans, Mom?
- Kate: No.
- Nora: Oh, honey, they were just welcoming you into the family.
- Hank: They just set me on fire.
- Nora: Just your pants.
- Hank: Sure, last time, it was my pants, but what if next time it's my face? This is how I get the jobs!
- Tom: (On the phone) Hello my name is Tom Baker and I would like to hire a house-keeper...I have twelve children. (Pause) Actually I am serious. (Later calling another housekeeper) Just twelve...(Different call) Twelve...(Calling another babysitter) There is only two...uh...plus ten. (Another call) Well there's twelve but one does not live with me and another you won't see often because he is so mad!! (Another call) How many kids? Well how about when you get here let's count them up? (Later) UHH...A dozen?! (He scratches off about 25 babysitting businesses and hangs his phone up about 10 times; later on a call) Just...just twelve. (Another call) Hello? I'll just hang up on myself...(He angrily hangs up his phone and bows his head in frustration)
- Tom: (Angrily) All right, enough is enough! You're slacking on your chores, you're fighting at school, things are out of control!! As of this moment, you are all grounded!
- Mike: What's grounded?
- Tom: What's grounded?! I'll tell you what grounded is... Except for attending games, you go to school, you come home from school, you do your homework, you do your chores, you go to bed and that's it!!
- Sarah: But that-
- Tom: (Sarcastically) Oh yes, Sarah, I know, that sucks, but that's the way it is!!!
- Jake: Does this mean we can't go to Dylan's birthday party?
- Tom: That's exactly what it means!
- Kim: But we bought his presents already!???
- Tom: **You are going to miss it!!** (The kids groan in sadness) Now, go to bed!!
- Sarah: [After knocking on the door to tell the other children the plan] I'm going to Dylan's birthday party. Who's with me?
- The Baker Kids: Yeah!
- (The children climb out of the window and bring presents to Dylan to enter the party without Tom noticing that they climbed out of the window and went to Dylan's birthday party)
- Tina: Hi...oh! (the Baker kids gave each present to Tina)
- Mark: Brazilian Mud Viper. She gets one live rat a week. (gives it to Tina).
- Jake: Hey, Dylan. Wanna play catch with the football I got you?
- Dylan: Uh, my nanny'd have to check with my dad... who'd have to check with my mom who would say it was an inappropriate use of free time.
- Jake: Hmm. Sounds like a yes to me. Go get it, Mike.
- (Mike runs to the present counter to get Jake's present, which knocks the snake that was in Mark's present)
- Tom: (shocked to see that his kids snuck out and went to Dylan's Birthday Party and begins to tell the football players) Get my kids and meet me at the house. Ready? Break!
- Steve Martin as Tom Baker
- Bonnie Hunt as Kate Baker
- Piper Perabo as Nora Baker
- Tom Welling as Charlie Baker
- Hilary Duff as Lorraine Baker
- Kevin Schmidt as Henry Baker
- Alyson Stoner as Sarah Baker
- Jacob Smith as Jake Baker
- Forrest Landis as Mark Baker
- Liliana Mumy as Jessica Baker
- Morgan York as Kim Baker
- Blake Woodruff as Mike Baker
- Brent and Shane Kinsman as Kyle and Nigel Baker
- Steven Anthony Lawrence as Dylan Shenk
- Paula Marshall as Tina Shenk
- Alan Ruck as Bill Shenk
- Richard Jenkins as Shake McGuire
- Ashton Kutcher as Hank
- Tiffany Dupont as Beth
- Cody Linley as Quinn
- Jared Padalecki as an unnamed bully
- Dax Shepard as a member of the camera crew
- Regis Philbin as Himself
- Kelly Ripa as Herself
- Frank Welker as Gunner (voice)