Christopher Titus

Christopher Todd Titus (born 1966-03-10) is an American comedian and actor who had a well-received yet short-lived show entitled Titus.

See also: Titus (TV series)

Sourced

Norman Rockwell is Bleeding (2004)

• So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times stated that 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional. My God! That means we're the majority. We're normal! It's the people who have the mommy, the daddy, the brother, the sister, the little white picket fence — those people are the freaks, man!

• My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.

• [about his mother] Without her I don't exist. Without her, I wouldn't be doing this for a living. Without her, in four states, it would still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine. She touched a lot of lives.

• [talking about a Christmas fight in which he locked his girlfriend out of the house]
  When all of the sudden there arose such a clatter,
  I sprang from the couch to see what was a matter.
  I went to the window and tore open the blinds,
  And there was my girlfriend, quite out of her mind!
  And I was just standing there, heart pounding with fear,
  She was bangin' on the glass door with a vodka bottle…filled right 'bout to here.
  And I knew the window couldn't take it.
  She said, "Open the door, you bastard, or I'll fucking break it!"
  Well, I couldn't do that; 'twas my father's place.
  So I opened the door, and she cracked me in the face!
  And I summoned my manhood from bottom to top,
  And I screamed like a little girl…"I'M CALLING THE COPS!"

• How come Mom is crazy and I'm not? Well, it's possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people and talk about all the crap in her life and those people could have sat around and laughed with her, it would've meant nothing and she could have moved on cool. It's also possible she could have taken out the whole front row with a large-caliber weapon.

• I finally stopped drinking when I hit seventeen years old. Yes, imagine the fuckup I must have been. Stopped drinking because it isn't really good for your health.…and I fell into a bonfire! Yeah, you're done drinking then. You don't need AA. Falling into a bonfire is a one-step program.

• Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

• And I want you to know something man, we all feel really bad that when you were in Troop 182 the Scout master rubbed your butt at the overnight jamboree. But what are you like 30 now? You've got life on backwards, come here let me flip it, there see, now your past is behind you. What's say you climb down off the cross use the wood to build a bridge and get over it.

• I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive.

The Fifth-Annual End-of-the-World Tour (2007)

• Mad cow disease, monkey pox, bird flu, mosquito viruses — did the animal kingdom have a meeting? "Who here is tired of being food and clothing? ... Cows, get on it... MOO!"

• So I think we need a new plan. Next time a country wants to take us on, 'stead of sending bombs, let's try this: send everyone in the country a color television and a satellite dish. And give 'em the basic package, not HBO — screw those people. And before the war starts, we make them all sit down. "Okay, we'll go to war with you. You want a piece of us, fine, fine. Before we go, I want you guys to understand us a little better, so you have to sit down and watch ESPN2 for 24 hours. 'Cause you watch ESPN2 for a full day, you're gonna understand America a lot better. 'Hi, we're America! We build monster trucks for fun! We developed the top fuel dragster, zero to three hundred thirty miles an hour in under five seconds, cause, pfft, we were bored. Piss us off, heh, and see what we build! And we may feel bad about it later! Ask Japan. But before we feel bad…we're gonna jack you up! And then we're gonna send you FOOD! 'Cause we're America; we're schizophrenic. Don't mess with a nation that needs medication!'"

• In six years, we can't find Osama bin Laden, but in those six years we nailed Martha Stewart and Barry Bonds' ass to the wall. The world's worst terrorist is still dragging his dialysis machine through a Pakistani strip mall, but the doily broad and the slugger prick won't bother us again.

• I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.

• And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.

• [on his father's last wishes before dying] "I want to be cremated. Then I want to you to take the ashes, I want you to put them in a douche bottle, find a hooker, and run me through one more time." [groans and disgusted laughs] On my children, I did not write that. I am repeating it.

Love is Evol (2009)

• If you are in here tonight and you have never contemplated suicide…you've never truly been in love. If you're in here tonight and you have never contemplated murder…you've never been divorced.

• Every neighborhood on the planet has a house like this on the block. We've all driven past it. A bunch of people living there, too old to be kids, but never gonna be adults... You can tell that by the "AEROSMITH ROCKS" banner in the living room window... Four sociopathic pitbulls roaming the yard at all times... The brown one has one leg, just flops to the fence every couple of hours... You can tell when the family's doubled their net worth 'cause they parked a new gutted Chevelle in the driveway... The mailman's afraid to bring the mail, so he just gives it to the cops, 'cause hell, they're gonna be there anyway... And if you don't recognize this house in your neighborhood, you live in this house in your neighborhood.

• And one more thing I want to be clear about- I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.

• A lot of people tell me this, too: "Don't worry about it. It's God's will. Y'know, you weren't meant to be together. God's will." God's will? Really, God got involved in this? Really? Twenty years with somebody, twenty years of my life pretty much gone? All the money I made, the career I chose, pretty much torn to pieces? Two little kids' lives shattered? Really, God? Is that how you work? This brutal, disemboweling nightmare…is you? 'Cause if that's the case, then there IS no God! And God said unto me…"Christopher, I did this so you could meet a 29-year-old, 5-foot-11 Diesel jeans model who has two college degrees and already paid for her own boob job." [a light shines on him and he drops to his knees] How shall I serve thee, Lord?

• If you've dated a woman over five years and she wants a boob job…she ain't getting it for you. She is putting fresh meat on a new hook, that's all it is. She is trolling for idiot "B," because you have not lived up to her financial expectations. So she's gonna cast those double D's out into the dating pool.

• I lost 28 pounds in my divorce…because that's what a soul weighs.

• ... And if you are a man wearing capri pants...? [Laughter] You need to take your guy card out of your wallet and pass it forward. Then... yeah, then, on the way home I want you to buy a tube of Vagasil, a VW convertible, and have your boyfriend drive you the rest of the way home, 'cause you are dismissed.

Neverlution (2011)

• So Thomas Jefferson said "Every generation needs a new revolution". Now our grandparents had World War II, fought the Nazis. Our parents had the Civil Rights Revolution. Our generation has....Shamwow and Prozac. We just went through the worst decade since disco and how did we deal with it? We bitched on the internet, got medical marijuana cards and played Grand Theft Auto.

• Thomas Jefferson said, "The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Yeah. I read that and thought, "I'm out!"

• At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year FUCKING hangover man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.

• Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my god that was so easy! It only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.

• This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels...by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a bedazzled Ed Hardy thermal. I have three of them, I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you.

• CLINT EASTWOOD DOESN'T MOISTURIZE! ...but CLINT EASTWOOD NEEDS TO MOISTURIZE!

• Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.

• And when did mediocrity become excellence in our country? What the.. Music is dead in 20-11 because Lady Gaga lives. Really? Is that the best we can do? Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-poker face. Really? Ooh ree ooh gah gah ree rah ah. This midget with a speach impediment is music, really? This vapid, pop cancer, Madonna mini-me. She makes Miley Cyrus look like John Lennon. She makes Jack Lemon look like John Lennon. I'm sorry. And you don't get to claim you're not accepted at a billion hits on YouTube. And you're not an artist just cause you can wear a live chimpanzee as a bra. Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett.

• The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe house he was going to escape to in the carbomb. And I love that he locked the carbomb. Did he want someone to not get his iPod? Then he left the keys to carbomb hanging out of the tailgate of the carbomb, and built the carbomb out of fertilizer that wouldn't explode. I have been doing comedy for 25 years and I have NEVER been that funny.

• Let's define "terrorist organization." A terrorist organization is an organization that makes you feel scared all the time and makes you change your behavior. What does CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC do all the time? That's right Wolf Blitzer? Terrorist. Glenn Beck? Terrorist. Nancy Grace? Terrorist. Her AND her plastic surgeon. The only news organization that is not a terrorist organization is the BBC. Because the BBC can make the worst things sound okay. [British accent] Hello, welcome to the BBC. Satan has re-entered the planet. He is picking up babies with his talons, ripping off their heads, and sucking out the souls. We're in for a thousand years of darkness and all hope is lost. Now, the world cup update.

• I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.

• He looked like the type of dad that volunteers to hand out the trophies to the losers in Little League. [pauses, angrily] And when did that start?! You don't get a trophy for losing... You get pizza and you shut up.

• If you're already so low on the parental totem pole, skill-wise, that you're letting your child scream "frickin'" in a public place...just let 'em say "fuck."