Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant

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Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant is the 2009 American film adaptation of the Vampire Blood trilogy of the book series The Saga of Darren Shan by author Darren Shan.

Darren Shan[edit]

  • It's not what you are, it's who you are.

Desmond Tiny[edit]

  • [As you wish

  • [Interrupting Darren and Steve as they fight] That's enough, boys.


  • If you kill your family, I'll let the freak go! Wait... my bad, it's backwards. If you kill the freak, I'll let your family live!

Larten Crepsley[edit]

  • [Introducing himself at the show] Thank you ladies and gentlemen. I am so excited to be here in an anonymous small town that used to have character but is now just a bland suburb filled with chain stores and surrounded by slum. [Awkward silence in the audience] It really is a pleasure to be here. And I am SO honoured that bla bla bla and so on and so forth and excetera adnosium.
  • Now boys, vampires don't exist, but if one did, and he thought someone knew, he might smother them in their sleep.
  • [After Darren enters his room and turns on the light] Nice room. Some excellent reading material you have here. Thought this was on the internet now.

Gavner Purl[edit]

  • [When Crepsley asks why the Vampeneze would go after him before Purl] Well, because I'm the toughest and they'll save me for last.


Mr. Tall: [Whisper kind of voice] Are you boys 21? Are you 21?... Say yes!
Darren Shan: Yeah.
Steve: Yes.
Mr. Tall: [Same whisper voice] Good, you don't have a tendency towards panic, sudden cardiac arrest, or crippling anxiety do you?... Say no!
Darren Shan: No.
Steve: Nope. [shakes head]
Mr. Tall: Good, go right in, the show is about to start.

Larten Crepsley: Look. If you become a vampire, you have to leave your family, all your friends; it's deeply depressing. Trust me. Now get out of here!
[Steve is silent for a few moments]
Steve: I haven't seen my dad in years. My mom's drunk all the time. I absolutely hate my life! I've never actually said it before, but it's the truth. This is what I was meant for.
Larten Crepsley: What you were meant for? Well, if that's the case, let's test your blood.
Gavner Purl: Larten...
[Crepsley tastes some of Steve's blood, but immediately spits it back out.]
Larten Crepsley: Who sent you here? Your blood tastes of evil. You can never be a vampire.
Steve: What, you're saying I have... bad blood? I'm never gonna forget this. One day, I will hunt you down-
Larten Crepsley: And what? Kill me? You know how easily I could kill you. I could do it tonight. I could knock you out, and lay you in front of a bus, and no one would ever know!
Gavner Purl: Easy, save it for the enemy! He's just an idiot kid! [Quietly, looking at Steve] Who should be leaving, right now, while he still can.

[Steve is standing on the roof of his high school, contemplating suicide. Looking down, he slips and stumbles back.]
Mr. Tiny: Careful. The first step is a big one. Oh, I know. You miss- the one known as Darren. You feel betrayed, abandoned- you're a loyal friend. [Pauses] Unlike him.
Steve: Darren was a loyal friend.
Mr. Tiny: Oh, really? What if I told you he's still alive? He's taken your place, stealing your dreams! Oh, I know. You dream of killing people, drinking their blood! You dream of leading a great, bloodthirsty army!
Steve: Who the hell are you?
Mr. Tiny: I'm Mr. Tiny.
Steve: Are you a vampire?
Mr. Tiny: Oh, I'm not a vampire. I'm not a vampeneze. I'm... an aficionado. I want to see a marvelous war!
Steve: What do you want from me, you freak?
Mr. Tiny: [Visibly annoyed] Oh, I'm not a freak. I despise freaks! Can a freak travel back and forth between life and death? I think not. Can a freak create new life from rotting flesh and souls? Please! Can a freak bring about the Apocalypse, and rule the world? No. Sadly neither can I. [Looks pointedly at Steve] Not without help.

Larten Crepsley: People can look out for themselves.
Darren Shan: You've been looking out for me. Why?
Larten Crepsley: Why? Because I'm an idiot, that's why. Only an idiot would spit in the eye of Mr. Tiny. Because he doesn't just kill people; he brings them back, as well. And when I finally die, I plan on staying dead. Life might be meaningless, but death I still have hope for.
Darren Shan: Life isn't meaningless.
Larten Crepsley: Tell me that after two hundred years of it, kid.