Clerks (film)

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Clerks is a 1994 film about two clerks: one who works in a convenience store and the other in a video rental store. They have an unusual day at work when dealing with girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, protesters, drug dealers and — worst of all — the customers.

Written and directed by Kevin Smith

Contents

[edit] Randal Graves

  • I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class, especially since I rule.
  • Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! There you go, tryin' to pass the buck; I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to get back together with his ex-girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one?! You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself! "I'm not even supposed to be here today." You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulders. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can just waltz in here and do our jobs. You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante — and badly, I might add. I work in a shitty video store — badly as well. You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does. Us, we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, God forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?
  • Everybody who comes in here is way too uptight. This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.
  • [to Dante] You know I'm your hero.

[edit] Others

  • Dante Hicks: [repeated line] I'm not even supposed to be here today!
  • Silent Bob: You know, there's a million fine-looking women in the world, but they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you.
  • Female Customer: It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.

[edit] Dialogue

Veronica: [after talking to William] That was Snowball.
Dante: Why do you call him that?
Veronica: Sylvan made it up. It's a blow job thing.
Dante: What do you mean?
Veronica: After he gets a blow job, he likes to have the cum spit back into his mouth while kissing. It's called snowballing.
Dante: He requested this?
Veronica: He gets off on it.
Dante: Sylvan can be talked into anything.
Veronica: Why do you say that?
Dante: Like you said, she snowballed him.
Veronica: Sylvan? No, I snowballed him.
Dante: Yeah, right.
Veronica: I'm serious.
Dante: You sucked that guy's dick!?
Veronica: Yeah, how do you think I knew that he...
Dante: Wait, but you said you only had sex with three different guys! You never mentioned him.
Veronica: Because I never had sex with him.
Dante: You sucked his dick!
Veronica: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around.
Dante: Oh, my God! Why did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?
Veronica: Because I did only have sex with three different guys. That doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.
Dante: Oh, my God, I feel so nauseous.
Veronica: Sorry, Dante, I thought you understood.
Dante: I did understand! I understood that you only had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!
Veronica: Please calm down.
Dante: How many?
Veronica: Dante!
Dante: How many dicks have you sucked?
Veronica: Let it go!
Dante: How many?
Veronica: All right! Shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus, I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked!
Dante: This is different! This is important! How many? [A customer comes up to the counter and Dante helps her while Veronica does some math] Well?
Veronica: Um... something like thirty-six.
Dante: WHAT? SOMETHING LIKE THIRTY-SIX!?
Veronica: Lower your voice.
Dante: Wait, what is that anyway, "something like thirty-six?" Does that include me?
Veronica: Um... thirty-seven.
Dante: I'M THIRTY-SEVEN!?
Veronica: I'm going to class.
Dante: Oh, my God. [customer walks up to pay] Thirty-seven! My girlfriend sucked thirty-seven dicks!
Customer: In a row?
Mother: Excuse me, do you sell videos?
Randal: Yeah. What're you looking for?
Mother: Happy Scrappy: Hero Pup.
Randal: Uh, one second. I'm on the phone with the distribution house now. Let make sure we got it. What's it called again?
Mother: Happy Scrappy: Hero Pup.
Child: Happy Scrappy.
Mother: She loves it.
Randal: Obviously. [to the distrubtor] Uh, yeah, hi, this is RST Video calling, customer number 4352, I'd like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: Whispers in the Wind, To Each His Own, Put It Where It Doesn't Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning, All Tit-Fucking, Volume 8, I Need Your Cock, Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers, My Cunt Needs Shafts, Cum Clean, Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts, Cum Buns 3, Cumming in Socks, Cum On Eileen, Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum, Girls Who Crave Cock, Girls Who Crave Cunt, Men Alone 2: The KY Connection, Pink Pussy Lips, oh yeah, and, uh, All Holes Filled with Hard Cock. Yep. Oh, wait a minute. [to the mother] Uh, what was that called again?
Dante: You know, that artical's accurate. Caitlin's really getting married!
Randal: You know what I just watched?
Dante: Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?
Randal: Return of the Jedi.
Dante: Didn't you hear me? Caitlin is really getting married!
Randal: What did you like better? Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?
Dante: Empire.
Randal: Blasphemy.
Dante: Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.
Randal: There was something else going on in Jedi. You ever noticed it till today. They build another Death Star, right?
Dante: Yeah.
Randal: Now, the first one was completed and fully operational before the Rebel's destroyed it.
Dante: Luke blew it up. Give credit where credit is due.
Randal: And the second one was still being built when the blew it up.
Dante: Compliments to Lando Calrissian.
Randal: Something just never sat right with me that second time around. I could never put my figure on it, but something just wasn't right.
Dante: And you figured it out?
Randal: The first Death Star was manned by the Imperial Army. The only people onboard were stormtroppers, dignitaries, Imperials.
Dante: Basically.
Randal: So, when the blew it up, no problem. Evil's punished.
Dante: And the second time around?
Randal: The second time around, it wasn't even done being built yet. It was still under construction.
Dante: So?
Randal: So, construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers.
Dante: Not just Imperials, is what you're getting at?
Randal: Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average storm trooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms.
Dante: All right, so they bring in independent contractors. Why are you so upset with its destruction?
Randal: All those innocent contractors hired to do a job were killed! Casualties of a war they had nothing to do with. All right, look, you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way; you got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia - this is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.
Video Store Customer: [holding two videos] They say so much, but they never tell you if they're any good. Are either one of these any good? Sir?
Randal: What?
Video Store Customer: Are either one of these any good?
Randal: I don't watch movies.
Video Store Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
Video Store Customer: You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Randal: Nope.
[The customer turns around and then holds up the same two movies.]
Video Store Customer: Well, what about these two?
Randal: Oh, they suck.
Video Store Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!
Randal: No, I wasn't.
Video Store Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate—
Randal: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Video Store Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal: Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Video Store Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!
Randal: And I hope it feels good.
Video Store Customer: You hope what feels good?
Randal: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Video Store Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here!
Randal: You'll be missed.
Video Store Customer: Screw you! [leaves]
Randal: [runs to door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
Jay [standing outside]: Yeeaahhh!
Randal: Screw me?
Dante: Did you ever notice all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie.
Randal: [looking at a pornographic magazine] You know how much money the average jizz-mopper make per hour?
Dante: What's a jizz-mopper?
Randal: He's the guy in those nudie-booth joints who cleans up after each guy that jerks off.
Dante: Nudie booth?
Randal: Nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth?
Dante: I guess not.
Randal: Oh, it's great. You step into this little booth and there's this window between you and this naked woman, and she puts on this little show for like ten bucks.
Dante: What kind of show?
Randal: Think of the weirdest, craziest shit you'd like to see chicks do. These chicks do it all. They insert things into any opening in their body. Any opening!
Dante: Can we talk about this later?
Randal: The jizz-mopper's job is to clean up the booths afterward, because practically everybody shoots a load against the window, and I don't know if you know or not, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right.
Customer: This is the last time I come to this place.
Dante: Excuse me?
Customer: Using filthy language in front of the customers. You should both get fired.
Dante: We're sorry, sir. We got a little carried away.
Customer: Well, I don't know if sorry can make up for it. I found your remarks highly offensive!
Randal: Well, you think that's offensive then check this out! [shows customer the magazine's centerfold as the customer runs out, screaming] I think you can see her kidneys.
[Dante and Randal have just returned from a wake]
Dante: I can't fuckin' believe you!
Randal: I'm tellin' you, it wasn't my fault!
Dante: You knocked the casket over!
Randal: It was an accident!
Dante: Like somebody knocks a casket over on purpose!
Randal: It wasn't a big deal!
Dante: Her fuckin' body fell out!
Randal: Just put it back in. It's not like it matters if she breaks something!
Randal: Embolism in a pool.
Dante: What an embarrassing way to die.
Randal: That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.
Dante: How did he die?
Randal: He broke his neck.
Dante: That's embarrassing?
Randal: He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.
Dante: Jesus, I gotta go to this.
Randal: Wait, wait, wait. Has it ever occured to you that I might be bereaved as well?
Dante: You hardly knew her!
Randal: True, but do you realize who's going to be there? All of our old classmates, to say the least.
Dante: Stop, this is beneath even you.
Randal: I'm not going to miss what is probably going to be the social event of the season.
Dante: But you hate people!
Randal But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?

[edit] Tagline

  • Just because they serve you doesn't mean they like you
  • A very funny look at the over-the-counter culture.
  • "I'm not even supposed to be here today!" - Dante
  • This Job Sucks
  • It Delivers.

[edit] Cast

[edit] External links

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