Community (TV series)

From Wikiquote
(Redirected from Community (TV Series))
Jump to: navigation, search

Community (2009– ) is an American comedy series currently airing on NBC about students at a community college in Denver, Colorado.


Contents

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Pilot [1.01]

Britta: Wait, so... so, this is a game to you? You put human beings into a state of emotional shambles for a shot at getting in my pants?
Jeff: Why can't you see that for the compliment that it is?
Duncan: I'm a professor. You can't talk to me that way!
Jeff: A six-year-old girl could talk to you that way!
Duncan: Yes, because that would be adorable!
Jeff: No, because you're a five-year-old girl and there's a pecking order!
Jeff: I discovered at a very early age that if I talked for long enough, I could make anything right or wrong. So, either, I'm God or truth is relative. Either way, booyah.

[edit] Spanish 101 [1.02]

Pierce: Of course, it didn't help any that I can't have children. I'm not sterile; in fact, it's a rare condition called hyper-virility. Apparently my sperm shoot through the egg like bullets. Can you believe that?
Jeff: I can't. But you can, so that's fine.
Pierce: [raising a glass] To the empowerage of words.
Jeff: To the irony of that sentence.
Señor Chang: [On seeing Jeff and Pierce's presentation materials] Why are there costumes involved? These are short conversations, they're not supposed to take...
Jeff: ...Your breath away? Well, tough.
Señor Chang: [After seeing Jeff and Pierce's presentation] F. F-minus.
Pierce: Did you say "S"?

[edit] Introduction to Film [1.03]

Abed: I'm interested in making movies, but my dad says all media is Western propaganda that negatively stereotypes Arabs.
Troy: He should see Aladdin. Jafar was a badass!
Mr. Nadir: Where do I find Mr. Britta?
Britta: I'm Mr. Britta. That's right. I'm a woman, with rights, and you can see my whole face.
Mr. Nadir: Oh, I get it, because I'm Arab I must hate women. Let me tell you something: I love women; in fact, I'm getting a major B-word vibe from you.
Jeff: Wow, I can't believe I missed out on getting involved in this!
Mr. Nadir: [to Jeff] You go host American Idol. [to Britta] And you stop messing with my son, he's a special boy. I raise him, OK? You don't raise him!
Britta: Raising him means letting him follow his dreams.
Mr. Nadir: Dreams are for sleeping.
Britta: You don't know that!
Mr. Nadir: It's clinically proven!
Britta: So's Polio!
Mr. Nadir: You lost me!

[edit] Social Psychology [1.04]

Annie: This is really important to me, Abed. Could you please go as my friend? My really good friend?
Abed: Well, I didn't realize we were really good friends. I figured we were more like Chandler and Phoebe; they never really had stories together. ...Sure, I'll do it, Chandler.
[Britta and Jeff are talking about Vaughn]
Britta: I'm just worried that he's thinking a little bit more intensely about this thing than I am. He says stuff, you know, after...
Jeff Winger: ...school?
Britta: After...
Jeff: ...dinner mints?
Britta: After...
Jeff: ...not having sex?

[edit] Advanced Criminal Law [1.05]

Dr. Duncan: Listen, I wanted to ask you about that young lady in your Spanish class. You know, the blonde, with the pouty, strident, Cate Blanchett sexuality, and the ridiculous name.
Jeff: Britta.
Dr. Duncan: That’s it. Can you imagine living with that? Can you imagine? Unbelievable. Anyway, um, are you two an item, and if so, would that item be impervious to sabotage?
Jeff: You know, you have the savoir faire of a hyena. How is that that you and James Bond come from the same island?
Dr. Duncan: Message received. I'll just wait for you to finish striking out first.
Jeff: Cheers.
Abed: M*A*S*H.
Dr. Duncan: Fawlty Towers. Game over. Have a nice day.
Dean Pelton: Now, are those the high heel boots he was talking about?
Britta: Yes.
Dean Pelton: Are they comfortable?
Britta: Yeah.
Dean Pelton: I’m just curious, they’re cute.
. . .
Dean Pelton: Well, it certainly sounds to me that this young lady's only crime is being a hero and wanting to be taller.

[edit] Football, Feminism and You [1.06]

Jeff: I'm saying, you're a football player. It's in your blood!
Troy: That's racist.
Jeff: Your soul.
Troy: That's racist.
Jeff: Your eyes?
Troy: That's gay?
Jeff: That's homophobic.
Troy: That's black.
Jeff: That's racist.
Troy: Damn.
Troy: Hip, hop, body don't stop. Riverside got the broom, don't need a mop. Put your team in the box, put a ribbon on top, we're not John Kerry 'cause we don't flip-flop.
Annie: Troy, why are you doing our politically conservative high school's shamefully outdated fight rap?
. . .
Troy Barnes: Bing, bong, sing along. Your team's Al Gore 'cause your views are wrong.

[edit] Introduction to Statistics [1.07]

Jeff: Batman. Are you staying for the party?
Abed: [in Batman costume] If I stay, there can be no party. I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant.
Wherever a party needs to be saved, I'm there.
Wherever there are masks, wherever there's tomfoolery and joy, I'm there.
But sometimes I'm not cause I'm out in the night, staying vigilant.
Watching. Lurking. Running. Jumping. Hurtling. Sleeping.
No, I can't sleep. You sleep. I'm awake. I don't sleep. I don't blink. Am I bird? No. I'm a bat.
I am Batman.
Or am I? Yes, I am Batman.
Happy Halloween.
Jeff: [To Professor Slater] Please sleep with me. Please. Pretty please.
I'm so lonely. I haven't slept with anyone in a very long time and you are so good looking.
Please do me the favor of having sex with me.
Troy: That's one of my biggest fears.
Abed: What is?
Troy: If I ever, like, woke up as a donut...
Abed: You would eat yourself?
Troy: I wouldn't even question it.
Britta: Whoa, Yippee kay yay. Thought you weren't a costume guy.
Jeff: You had to have one to get in here, squirrel.
Britta: Oh, so where did you get it? 'Cause I wouldn't think any costume stores would be open this late.
Jeff: Well, I know what you're getting at-
Britta: I think the words you're lookin for are 'I own a cowboy outfit. And it is tight'. Did you buy it like that? Your toy gun to my head I'd say yes!

[edit] Home Economics [1.08]

Britta: I'm really sorry about how things ended.
Vaughn: Yeah, well I'm really sorry I can't accept your apology 'cause you're toxic, Britta. You know what, you're like the exact opposite of an anti-oxidant. Yeah, psh, I got band practice. Lates.
Britta: Can't we still be friends? And isn't the word "later" already short enough?
[Britta turns off the TV.]
Jeff: Hey, what are you doing? That was The Jeffersons, honky...
Britta: I was wrong, OK? Material possessions are important. Think how much happier The Jeffersons were than that family on Good Times.
Jeff: Yeah, but they had good times.

[edit] Debate 109 [1.09]

[Watching Abed's student films, which are based on the study group.]
Troy: This is wrinkling my brain...
"Troy": This is wrinkling my brain...
Troy: That's wrinkling my brain!
Troy: I liked you better when you were smoking.
Britta: I'm so sorry.
Troy: No, you're right. My feet are long and stupid. You can't unring that bell.

[edit] Environmental Science [1.10]

[Señor Chang has assigned excessive homework.]
Britta: There's only one solution. Someone has to go to Chang and talk to him.
Annie: I vote we all look at Jeff at the same time. [They do.]
Jeff: [Not paying attention] In a way, all of you are right... OK, what was I tuning out?
Annie: You have to get Chang to call off some of this homework! You're the one with the silver tongue.
Pierce: Yeah, go tongue Chang.
[The dean is addressing the crowd before a concert.]
Dean Pelton: Green Week was a rousing success here at Greendale. And now for our band, Greene Daeye! By the way, they're not the real Green Day. Thought we should just rip that band-aid off quickly.

[edit] Politics of Human Sexuality [1.11]

Shirley: Pierce has got a girlfriend!
Britta: That's great. What's she do?
Pierce: She's an escort.
Shirley: Oh...
Jeff: Some mysteries solve themselves, don't they?
Troy: Taking a call girl to an STD fair? There's a joke here.

[edit] Comparative Religion [1.12]

Shirley: I'm so sick of the dean jamming his PC-ness down my throat.
Jeff: Pierce, I'd like to commend you for letting that one go.
Britta: Guys, are we really going to let religion divide us? I think there's one thing we can all agree on.
Abed: I get 72 virgins in heaven.
Britta: ...No.

[edit] Investigative Journalism [1.13]

Dean: Jeffrey, I am the least racist person in the world. My best friend, when I was six years old, was a black man!

[edit] Interpretive Dance [1.14]

Annie: Before we start, I'd like to have a preliminary pow-wow, or prelimi-wow, about what I'm calling our library's back-door conundrum.
Abed: That sounds like a porno starring Kate Winslet.
Troy: Girls are supposed to dance. That's why God gave them parts that jiggle.

[edit] Romantic Expressionism [1.15]

Shirley: You don't see me saying anything crazy about Abed and Troy's weird relationship.
Abed and Troy: [to each other] They're just jealous.

[edit] Communication Studies [1.16]

Dean Pelton: [over P.A.] It's Valentine's week, when the Greendale Human Being is the Cupid Being, delivering your gift to that special someone. But, remember, Cupid's face is magic marker on nylon, so love is not only blind but also dizzy and a little belligerent.
Abed: Another muffin basket, from another actress who wants to be in my next film.
Jeff: Does that work?
Abed: Yep. Meryl Streep has two Oscars because of her baking. Ah, that's sarcasm, but I forgot to inflect. This sounds way more like sarcasm. Inflection is so interesting.
Jeff: (about Britta) Well, you know, she's no barrel of monkeys. She wants everyone to be honest, but she lies to herself. She's seen the world, but doesn't get it. She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter than a youtube-comment section. She's passionate, which I find stupid, but entertaining.

[edit] Physical Education [1.17]

[Abed is being a "different version of himself"; Annie is standing in as the girl]
Abed: What are you reading?
Annie: Pride and Prejudice.
Abed: So you're familiar with two sins... how about a third?
Shirley: Ooh! [Everyone leans in closer as Abed pulls out a cigarette case.]
Annie: I don't think we're allowed to smoke in here.
Abed: Well, then you picked the wrong outfit, didn't you.
[Abed leans in for a kiss and is interrupted at the last second.]
Shirley: Abed, what are you doing?!
Abed: Don Draper from Mad Men. What did you think?
Britta: Weird.
Troy: Awesome.
Pierce: Put your tongue in her ear.
Annie: I liked it.
Shirley: No, don't be him - he cheats on his wife!
Abed: The truth is lots of girls like me because, let's face it, I'm pretty adorable, and, uh, my aloofness unconsciously reminds them of their fathers, so... I'm more used to them approaching me.
Britta: So we didn't damage your self-esteem or anything?
Abed: Britta, I've got self-esteem falling out of my butt. That's why I was willing to change for you guys. When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn't such a big deal.
[There is a pause]
Jeff: Abed, you're a god.

[edit] Basic Genealogy [1.18]

Abed: I hope they're not twins. Twins freak me out. They always know what the other one is—
Troy: —Thinking?
Abed: Yeah. And they're always finishing each other's—
Troy: —Pie?
Abed: Exactly. It's creepy.
Rabbi Chang (Señor Chang's brother): Señor Chang? Ben, do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?
Señor Chang: That is who I am.
Jeff: [sobbing] I hate Glee.
Pierce: I'm not crazy about Glee either.
Jeff: I hate it! I don't understand the appeal at all.

[edit] Beginner Pottery [1.19]

Admiral Slaughter: I don't see students here; I see seamen. I didn't create them: from the moment you climbed aboard, I saw seamen inside you. More importantly, you've stopped giggling at the word "seamen," and that's the mark of a real seaman.
Abed: Anyone can be a lawyer. You can even represent yourself. You can't do surgery on yourself. It's illegal. You'd get arrested, and then you'd get a free lawyer.

[edit] The Science of Illusion [1.20]

Dean Pelton: From now on, April 1st is now March 32nd.
Britta: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Cancer!" "Oh good, come on in, I thought it was Britta!"

[edit] Contemporary American Poultry [1.21]

Abed: For as long as I can remember, I always wanted to be in a mafia movie.
Jeff: What is that?
Troy: It's a monkey.
Jeff: Why do you have a monkey?
Troy: It's an animal that looks like a dude. Why don't I have ten of them?
Troy: Can we make this quick? I have to give a banana to Annie's Boobs.

[edit] The Art of Discourse [1.22]

[edit] Modern Warfare [1.23]

Troy:(talking about the paintball competition):Whats the prize?
Dean Pelton: It was a DVD Blu-Ray player but it was stolen, so now it's TBD
Troy: I want TBD, is that new?
Pierce:if it's what I think I had it for a month in the seventies.
Abed: Come with me if you don't want paint on your clothes.
Troy: Jeff Winger, you son of a bitch. I thought you were dead, man!
Jeff: I was just taking a nap.
Britta: Oh my God, you've been hit.
Jeff: What? Oh no! [rubs shirt] Wait, wait. It's blood. [laughs] I thought it was paint, but I'm just bleeding. Talk about luck!

[edit] English as a Second Language [1.24]

[Annie has betrayed the group]
Jeff: Now she is going to make the Disney face: her lip is going to quiver and her eyes will flutter but they won't ever actually close but do not feel sorry for her!
Jeff: Friends don't do what you did to us. Did the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants poison each other's food so they were too sick to leave? No! I've never seen it, but I'm pretty sure they MAILED EACH OTHER PANTS!
Annie: I said I was sorry!
Jeff: Who cares if you're sorry; we're still screwed! Be sorry about this stuff before you do it, then DON'T DO IT!

[edit] Pascal's Triangle Revisited [1.25]

Pierce: I say things others won't; that has value.
Chang: [pulls out a roll of coins] Do you know what this is?
Duncan: A roll of quarters?
Chang: Yeah, that's right! [punches Duncan]

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Anthropology 101 [2.1]

Chang: Guys, I got a confession to make. I took anthropology because I want to be a part of your study group. Now, I gotta do the honest thing and just ask. Is there any room in this pocket for a little spare Chang?
Jeff: Look, we have the strength to survive anything. What's the worst that can happen with Chang?
. . .
Chang: [growling] I told you they hate you. [chuckles; then, normally] No! They just said they needed more time! [menacingly] Time? They destroyed your life! How much time before we take revenge? [normally] But they're my friends! [menacingly] I'm your only friend! [normally] No! [menacingly, lifting his hands into the air] Ha ha ha! [normally] No!! [menacingly] Ah ha ha ha! [normally] Nooooo!

[edit] Accounting for Lawyers [2.2]

[Annie, Troy, and Abed are about to break into an office]
Troy: Annie, go back and keep lookout.
Annie: Wait, why me lookout; why not you guys?
Troy: 'Cause if someone comes up here Kanye and Kumar get taken to jail; you get taken to dinner.
Annie: [flouncing energetically] You guys! I'm the smartest one in this group and all I've been used for is bait and distraction! [notices that the others are looking at her chest] Ugh! Go on your stupid mission; I hope it sucks. [leaves]
Troy: What did she say?
Abed: I don't know.
Troy: All I heard was "suck".
Shirley: [excitedly] Guys, guys, do you know I actually have a civil case against that bitch that stole my husband?
Jeff: Shirley, don't sue a stripper.
Shirley: Why not?
Jeff: She's a stripper: life sued her, and she lost.

[edit] The Psychology of Letting Go [2.3]

Jeff: [to Britta and Annie] Wow. You guys are real downers. I can't believe I made out with both of you.
Duncan: [watching Britta and Annie wrestle in oil] Now this is why I came to America.

[edit] Basic Rocket Science [2.4]

Abed: [about the new space simulator] Once we clean it, can we go inside?
Dean Pelton: No. That is a job for some upstanding students, who are training right now in the simulator simulator.
Leonard: [sitting in a cardboard box] Great job on this. Hard to believe I'm not really not really in space.
Troy: There is a time and a place for subtlety, and that time was before Scary Movie.
Troy: We are forty lightyears outside the Buttermilk Nebula, although it's possible that... [he peels away the graphic on their "navagation panel"] Yeah, it's a sticker.

[edit] Messianic Myths and Ancient Peoples [2.5]

Abed: I used to think all Jesus did was walk on water and tell people not to get abortions, but now I see he's so much more than that. He's like E.T., Edward Scissorhands, and Marty McFly combined.
Britta: I don't even believe in God but I love me some Abed.
Duncan: Now, everyone open your textbooks, because Abed has broken the internet.

[edit] Epidemiology [2.6]

Jeff: What is UP with that CAT?
Troy: Is someone throwing it?
Abed: Troy, make me proud: be the first black man to make it to the end.
Troy: I love you.
Abed: I know.
Troy: I'm a dracula.
Abed: You mean a vampire?
Troy: I don't need to know which dracula I am to be a dracula. Nerd.

[edit] Aerodynamics of Gender [2.7]

[Troy and Jeff are playing basketball]
Troy: Ready for The Bus Driver, Winger? You know why they call me The Bus Driver, right?
Jeff: 'Cause you've been traveling all day?
Troy: 'Cause I'm taking your butt to school.
Annie: [to Abed, about his skill at insulting people] You're really good at it. You're like a machine!
Abed: Like RoboCop?
Britta: Exactly like Rowboat Cop. Sharice is a bad rowboat. Sink her.

[edit] Cooperative Calligraphy [2.8]

Britta: [looking in notebook] Abed, why is my name in here?
Abed: That's mine.
Britta: And Shirley's and Annie's?
Annie: What is it?
Britta: Charts. Some kind of calendar?
Abed: That's my personal private business.
Britta: [reading] "Annie: 4 on, 28 off, next, November 10th. Britta: 5 on, 27 off..." Oh, my God, are you charting our menstrual cycles?
Annie: What?! Gross!
Shirley: Abed, this is so personal! And so accurate.
Annie: Abed, this is really creepy. I don't understand why you would do this.
Abed: I can explain. [Pause] Oh, I thought you'd keep yelling over me. Okay, I can explain. You know I have trouble reading people, and I say the wrong things, sometimes, and I noticed it was happening more often with you three than it was with the others. And then I noticed fluctuating patterns, and I started graphing them, and by the time I realized what I was actually measuring, it had started to yield really positive results for everybody, so I kept doing it.
. . .
Abed: Okay, if I could just take this time to share a few words of sarcasm with whoever it is that took this pen. I want to say thank you for doing this to me. For a while I thought I'd had to suffer through a puppy parade, but I much prefer being entombed alive in a mausoleum of feelings I can neither understand nor reciprocate. So whoever you are, can I get you anything? Ice cream? Best friend medal? Anything? Mmm-mmmm? Okay, sarcasm over.
Troy: I wanna see if those wiener dogs are born that way, or if they start off normal and then get wiener.
Britta: [upset that everyone wants to check her bag] It all starts with a quick look-see into someone's bag and before you can say 1984, the thought police are forcing you to bend and spread.
Jeff: Bend and spread? Are the thought police going to make love to us?

[edit] Conspiracy Theories and Interior Design [2.9]

Dean: [dramatic music plays as he reads Jeff's course schedule, then gives an evil smile] Agnis, cancel my appointments.
Agnis: What appointments?
Dean: [beat] Wishful thinking.
Dean: I have always dreamt of playing charades with you, Jeffrey, just not like this! And not on dry land!
Professor Professorson: And so on, and so on, ex-chetterah!
Jeff: ...Did you just mispronounce et cetera?
Professor Professorson: This, Annie, is night school. Every student, every teacher, every class- Figments! Like puffs of hot air from the lips of a ghost in the shadow of a unicorn's dream

[edit] Mixology Certification [2.10]

Troy: Alcohol makes people sad. It's the Lifetime movie of beverages.

[edit] Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas [2.11]

[after Jeff is eaten by Hum-bugs for being sarcastic]
Annie: Ooh! Can I sing this one? [Abed nods and Annie sings] Bitter shallow hipster / Sweater matching socks / Christmas needs more presence / Than a haircut in a box.
Troy: Annie. Nice!
Annie: Get what I did with the word presence?
Abed: [opens a Christmas gift marked "Meaning of Christmas"] It's the first season of Lost on DVD.
Pierce: That's the meaning of Christmas?
Abed: No. It's a metaphor. It represents lack of pay-off.
. . .
Abed: I get it. The meaning of Christmas is the idea that Christmas has meaning. And it can be whatever we want. For me, it used to mean being with my mom. Now it means being with you guys. Thanks, Lost.

[edit] Asian Population Studies [2.12]

Annie: It's not like I'm seeing anyone. There's just a guy...
Abed: A guy that goes to Greendale? Is it the Russian guy that looks like a short Johnny Depp?
Annie: It doesn't matter.
Troy: Is it the guy who looks a little like Vince Vaughn but smells a lot like fish?
. . .
Abed: Is it the guy who looks like Anderson Cooper but with the soul patch and the ponytail?
Annie: No.
Troy: Is it Black Michael Chiklis?
Annie: No.
Pierce: The white George Foreman?
Britta: You guys are talking about the same person: he's biracial, his name is David, and he's a human being.
. . .
Troy: Is it Fat Neil?
Abed: Bluestreak?
Pierce: Optimus Prime?
Annie: Okay, even I know some of these are Transformers.
. . .
Jeff: Is it Jean-Claude Van Overbite?
Abed: We should really start learning people's names.
Jeff: I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.
Chang: What's this? What's going on?
Abed: It's a mixer.
Chang: Well why's everyone from Anthro class here? Are you guys picking a new study group member—and you didn't invite me?
Abed: We didn't know how to reach you.
Chang: What are you talking about? I'm everywhere.
Abed: We didn't know how to reach you.
Chang: That's not true. That's a lie.
Abed: [twitching] It's a mixer. We didn't know how to reach you. It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer.
[Chang backs away]
Abed: Works every time.

[edit] Celebrity Pharmacology [2.13]

Dean Pelton: Well, that answers my question. Jeff Winger is sexy even in a coffin.
Abed: Is Pierce marijuana, and does marijuana help people move faster? I thought it just made them custom paint vans and solve mysteries.

[edit] Advanced Dungeons & Dragons [2.14]

Narrator: [as the study group plays D&D] And so it was that the group began to describe themselves walking, and as they described themselves walking so did Abed confirm they walked.
Troy: [to Britta] You are the AT&T of people.

[edit] Early 21st Century Romanticism [2.15]

Duncan: Now, you won't know this, being American, but tonight, Liverpool are playing Man–
Jeff: Manchester United. I'm a stylish American, Professor. I've been forcing myself to be into soccer since 2004.
Duncan: I'll see you at precisely 6:30, or, as the English call it, gravedigger's biscuits.
Abed: Mariah, my name is Abed Nadir. [Indicating Troy] My associate, Troy Barnes.
Troy: Charmed, I'm sure.
Mariah: Are you the guys who keep staring at me and intermittently yelling out "books"?
Troy: The very same. We're both interested in taking you to the Valentine's dance, but we are also best friends with each other.
Abed: It is of the utmost importance we protect that friendship from the stresses of courting you, so we're trying to be as direct and above-board about this as possible.
Troy: Will you go to the dance with one of us, and if so, which one?
Mariah: We need to get something straight first: this is the cutest thing that's ever happened to me. [Abed and Troy high-five each other without taking their eyes off Mariah] But I don't know either one of you.
Abed: Give us a moment. [He and Troy confer in whispers] New proposal: get to know us at the dance and decide there which of us you'd like to see again.
Mariah: Okay, deal.
Abed: Yesss.
Mariah: [Indicating what Troy is carrying] What's in the briefcase?
Troy: Oh, tacos. You want one?
Mariah: No.
Troy: Great, we really wanted them.
Abed: Yeah, we're gonna eat them.
Annie: [Referring to Page, Britta's supposedly lesbian friend] So, like, would you change clothes in front of her?
Britta: Annie, I know your lack of world experience creates curiosity, but questions like that can make you seem a little bit homophobic.
Annie: It's homophobic to ask questions?
Britta: If you have to ask if it's homophobic to ask questions, haven't you already answered your own question?
Annie: Have I?
Britta: Don't know. Not a homophobe.
Annie: [Spots Page from a distance] Oh.
Britta: Oh, there's Page. Should I ask her 500 questions about being a lesbian? Or should I just treat her like a normal person? That's a question you can ask.
Jeff: What is it about me that makes broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddled masses mistake me for the Statue of Liberty?

[edit] Intermediate Documentary Filmmaking [2.16]

Pierce: Vengeance? Ha! I was never one to hold grudges, Jeffrey. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that.

[edit] Intro to Political Science [2.17]

Special Agent Glenn Keenlan: [Inspects Abed's backpack] He's clean. Although I should probably warn you about this bootleg copy of The Last Airbender.
Abed: Where were you a week ago?

[edit] Critical Film Studies [2.19]

Abed: Where to begin... I probably mentioned in the past my fondness for a TV program called Cougar Town.
Jeff: Here and there.
Abed: I even started a Cougar Town fan club on Facebook, not to accomplish anything mind you, simply to express my love for the show. Well, it ended up being quite large, this fan club, and one morning, I think it was in early March, I got this Facebook message -- a very nice message -- from the people who make Cougar Town.
Jeff: Looking for work?
Abed: [Laughs] No, thanking me, Jeff, you know, for all the support I generated for the show, and in the last paragraph they said, "If you'd like, you could come visit the set." Just like that.
Jeff: Wow, that's cool of them. I guess that kind of makes them the Pulp Fiction of people. Man, how great was that movie?
Abed: So I sold a few of my action figures and I bought a round trip ticket to Los Angeles.
Jeff: Wait, what? You went? When?
Abed: Over spring break. What could I do? Two days after I got that invitation, I was on the set of Cougar Town, Jeff. [Whispers] Cougar Town.
Jeff: Look, if you want me to take it seriously, stop saying its name.
Abed: You laugh, Jeff, but the people were wonderful. You know, not the actors, but the crew, everyone. There must have been two hundred people, each with a specific function, but all dedicated to a single purpose. It was like a village, or like... a living thing. And I'm talking to the director and he says, "Well, why don't you jump into the background?" I say, "Now wait a minute, jump into the background of what exactly?" And he says, "Jump into the background of this scene. Walk through it. Walk through Cougar Town!" Well, before I could react, this girl takes me by the hand, and she stands me behind this patio where Courtney Cox and the actors are doing their scene, and the girl says, "Now when you hear action, I want you to walk from here to there." That's when I really started to panic, Jeff, because if I'm a person who watches Cougar Town, how could I be in Cougar Town? And the more I start thinking about it, the less any of it makes sense at all. And I just want to turn and run, but it's too late, because the director is calling "Action!" So, before I take my first step, I realize that I have to stop being someone who has ever seen the show, and become a character on the show. Become a man from Cougar Town. You know, someone born there, someone whose name I decide is Chad. And I take my first step as a child learning to walk -- as Chad -- and with each step it becomes easier, and with each step I start remembering things from Chad's life, like his first kiss under the big tree at Cougar Town field, playing soccer at Cougar Town Junior High, finding my first chest hair in the shower, my first apartment, my first true love falling for my best friend. Birthdays, weddings, car crashes, taxes. Playing charades at Thanksgiving. Chad had lived, Jeff. Chad had lived more than Abed. Then they called, "Cut." And the scene was over, but I wasn't ready to stop being Chad, so I said to the director, "Can I have one more take?" But they were already moving on -- Courtney had nailed it. My lips started trembling, my hands and my feet went numb, my knees buckled, and as I fell to the floor... [pauses] I pooped my pants.

[edit] Paradigms of Human Memory [2.21]

Abed: Six seasons and a movie!
Troy: Didn't we decide at the beginning of the year that for the good of the group we wouldn't allow any intimacy between each other or ourselves?
Jeff: Troy, we never said ourselves.
Troy: Okay, now I'm really mad.

[edit] Applied Anthropology and Culinary Arts [2.22]

Duncan: [Dean enters anthropology classroom while Duncan is drinking wine and throws glass on floor] And that's how Jews celebrate at weddings! Anthropology!
Chang: To life!
Chang: Chang babies love the sauce, you know? Alcohol AND Duck.
Chang: My nephew Jim was born on the treadmill at Bally Total Fitness; 20% incline.
Chang: I never told you this, but Changs are usually born with tails. You, sort of dodged a bullet there.

[edit] Season 3

[edit] Biology 101 [3.01]

Britta: Okay guys, let's get to Biology on time. I don't want to be a screw up this year.
Jeff: Umm, Britta. [points to his Biology book while looking at the Chemistry book Britta is holding]
Annie: So we're really doing this without Pierce? It's so sad.
Jeff: Yeah, we've parted ways with our closest, oldest, craziest, most racist, oldest elderly crazy friend. And he's not coming back.
Pierce: [suddenly from behind Jeff] I'm back.
Shirley: Oh, Starburns. I see you added a lizard to your special hat and sideburns. Am I missing anything?
Starburns: Yeah, the human being underneath it all, but no one's really interested in that, are they?
Shirley: No.

[edit] Geography of Global Conflicts [3.02]

Annie: Well the real important thing is that there is a Model U.N., it doesn't really matter who starts it. It just means her name goes on some charter and she gets to put it on her resume, and lead the Greendale team to the national Model U.N., and meet Kofi Annan, Boutros Boutros-Ghali, and Will.i.am.
Troy: [Excited] Boutros Boutros-Ghali?!

[edit] Competitive Ecology [3.03]

Chang: Maybe I will. [voice over] My own words rang inside my head, like a bell inside my head. Maybe I was crazy, or maybe, just maybe, I was a detective. [to a girl walking by] Hey!
Girl: What?
Chang: Looking for something?
Girl: No.
Chang: [voice over, as he sizes her up] She said she wasn't, but her eyes said otherwise. She was all dame, legs that went all the way to the bottom of her torso. The kind of arms that had elbows.
Girl: Um...did you just call me in here to stare at me? [Chang's mouth slides open as he continues to look at her, and the girl leaves]
Chang: [voice over] The way she left, I could tell that somebody, or something had really put the scare on her. But what? Why? [beat] Stapler? Was it crazy? Or are they somehow connected?
Chang: [looks at the mirror, voice over] "Forget about the girl," I told myself. "Let her go - like a lobster claw letting go of a small balloon. For lobsters." Still, I had a hunch. [sees a matchbook] Hmm...a matchbook. Something about it seemed clue-y. Arizona Matchbook Company. Arizona... [holds up the words to the mirror] "Arizona" backwards is still "Arizona!" It's a palamino! Maybe it was crazy, or maybe, I was finally sane. [looks up at his reflection] Why does this guy keep staring at me?
Telephone: Hello, Arizona Matchbook Company.
Chang: [voice over] I had to get some answers. And I needed answers like a fish needs a bicycle - a lot. [speaking] Yeah, I'm - uh - interested in your matchbooks?
Telephone: Would you like to place an order?
Chang: [voice over] I had to think fast. [beat; speaking] Yes.
Annie: [to Jeff] Who the hell are you always texting?! Everyone you know is here!
Pierce: I just had a terrible nightmare that Jeff was a pompous ass. Also Todd was there. No offense Todd
Todd: What is wrong with you people?! Huh?! I thought you were supposed to be friends! I thought you were supposed to love each other! Your love is weird! And toxic! And it destroys everything it touches! I no longer care about grades! Or Biology, or finally graduating from college like I promised my dying father. I'm going home. I'm going to hold my wife and my child close and I'm going to finally take my insulin shot! OFFENSE TAKEN! [quietly] Offense taken.

[edit] Remedial Chaos Theory [3.04]

Jeff: Oh look, Indiana Jones and the apartment of perpetual viginity.

[in an alternate timeline]

Jeff: You put one washaway blue streak in your hair and I lost an arm.
Britta: Exactly, life got dark.
Britta: You've got a bowl of olives next to the toilet?
Troy: It's a fancy party, Britta.

[edit] Horror Fiction In Seven Spooky Steps [3.05]

Britta: Remember last week when I made you guys fill out those anonymous personality tests from my psych class?
Jeff: Look, if you dropped them in another puddle......
Jeff: No, no, no. I'm not a sociopath, I always know what I'm doing is wrong. I'm just a guy that doesn't like taking tests, doing work or getting yelled at. So if you think about it I'm the only sane person here.
Abed: Here we are, a Log cabin I rented so we could be intimate in safety because it's not the fifties so we don't have to park our car and neck at expression point.
Britta: That makes sense, I'm turned on by how logical you are.

[edit] Advanced Gay [3.06]

(Pierce has decided to do a gay bash party for his new product)

Britta: Wow Pierce, congratulations on meeting the minimum requirement for open-mindedness
Annie: Yeah, I'm really proud of you, you're growing up as a person
Jeff: Oh good grief, he's not supporting gay people, they're supporting him. If Mexicans were buying his wipes he would have ridden in on a donkey
Britta: I can excuse racism, but I draw the line on animal cruelty.
Shirley: You can excuse racism?

[edit] Studies in modern movement [3.07]

Britta: (to Annie) when you become roomates with friends, the things you love about them become the things that makes you want to smother them with a pillow.

[edit] Documentary Filmmaking Redux [3.08]

Jeff: [As Dean] Welcome to Dean-dale Community Colle-dean! I'm a silly goose. Honk honk! Dean-a-lee-doo! Look at me, this is my sister's outfit!
Dean: Jeffrey, stop. [Pause] You've hit gold. Save some for the screen.
Dean: Mr. Guzman, Luis, thank you, and can I just say, I loved you in ... [snaps fingers at Annie for help] ... in ... [Annie searches on her phone and hands it to Dean] ... IMDb.
Annie: The Dean had his seventh epiphany today, which has given me an epiphany of my own: the Dean is a genius. He has to be. If he isn't, then I've given almost two weeks of life to an idiot; that is unacceptable. Therefore, the dean is a genius, and I will die protecting his vision.
Abed: Are you by any chance familiar with Stockholm syndrome?
Annie: Is it something that the Dean created? Because if not, I don't care.
Jeff: Pierce mistook me for the Dean today.
Abed: How did that make you feel?
Jeff: I've become a stranger to myself. I'm bald now -- I've always been bald. I've merely dreamt of having hair. And now, the bald man's awake.
Dean: I thought you were "a fly on the wall".
Abed: Some flies are too awesome for the wall.

[edit] Foosball and Nocturnal Vigilantism [3.09]

Jeff: Gentlemen, my name is Clarence Thaddeus Foos. My grandfather, Fletcher Morton Foos, invented this game for one purpose: to have the loudest, dumbest thing happen. Now, it has. The game of Foosball is completed. You're free to return to your undoubtedly hearing impaired families.
European guy: Tell you what. We'll stop playing if you can score a point on us.
Jeff: Tempting, but then wouldn't I be playing Foosball, if so how would I not be a loud, weird knob?
German guy: Free shot! I'm not even touching the Foosenshaft.
Jeff: Sorry, Luftballons. I'm above it. [turns away, then spins back and grabs the poles. The German guy scores a point.]
German guy: I wish there was a word to describe the pleasure I feel at viewing misfortune.
Jeff: What are you guys doing here on a Saturday night? Shouldn't you be making weird art movies or well-engineered cars?
European guy: You take that back!
German guy: We came to play. Get away from our table.
Shirley: We're using it, strudel-brain.
Jeff: Nice.
German guy: Then play us for it.
Shirley: Fine! Monday morning. Only let's make it interesting: the loser never gets to use this table again.
German guy: Oh you are so on that things have now become very much like Donkey Kong.
Jeff: We're gonna kick das butt.
Shirley: Nice.
Jeff: Thank you.
German guy: Enough Teutonic punnery! Monday morning, you get this. [kicks a soccer ball at Jeff like a Foosball-figure]
Jeff: Were you guys walking around with a soccer ball just so you could do that? They left the ball and everything. I think they were literally walking around with it like a prop to use. It's like a $25 bit, and it's not even that good!
Abed: [as Batman] The night beckons. Its black fingers curl and uncurl, going like, "Hey, come here."

[edit] Regional Holiday Music [3.10]

Shirley: I'm scared to go into the study room. There's so many top hats in there.
Mr Rad: Glee! It's the feeling you get when your brain finally lets your heart get in its pants.
Annie: [singing like Betty Boop] Teach me how to understand Christmas
Show me how to open a box
It hurts my little head
When I'm lying in my bed
With visions of sugarplum... socks?
Jeff: [confused] Is this a bit?
Annie: Teach me how to understand Christmas
Do I trim the tree or the deer?
I can't keep it straight
And now it's getting late
Where does the stocking go? [puts it on her head] Here? I can't see!
What's a Christmas Eve, is that Santa's lady?
Are snowmen cold or hot?
Won't you be my daddy?
I'm a silly Christmas baby!
Tell me what to deck, 'cause I forgot!
Jeff: Annie—
Annie: Bwain hurty understandy Chwsitmas
Mistletoe for eaty, taste good?
You smarty, me dumb; help pwetty have fun!
Boopy doopy boop doop SEX!
Jeff: Look, eventually you hit a point of diminishing returns on the sexiness.
Annie: What's a diminimuhmm ... (devolves into babbling).

[edit] Cast

[edit] External links

Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about:
Retrieved from "http://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Community_(TV_series)&oldid=1403785"
Personal tools
Namespaces
Variants
Actions
Navigation
Toolbox