- I find you unacceptable. If I did not fear incarceration by human authority figures, I would terminate your life functions by applying sufficient force to your blunt skull — as to cause its collapse.
- [to Ronnie] Take my car, its reinforced alloy superstructure is far superior to that of your broken down, rusted out shit box.
- [to Connie, after coming back to Earth] It is not everyday a father can give the world to his child.
- [about waiting on his car repairs] What choice do I have? It is as if you have grabbed me by the base of my snarglies!
- [about being stranded on Earth] When the High Master hears of this he will surely cut off my plargh and hand it to me.
- Maintain low tones with me maintain low tones.
- You know Connie, I read in a magazine that you can talk to me about anything.
- [going into labour] My plubar has broken,....the birth spasm has begun.
- Highmaster: Let it be written... are you writing this?
- Ronnie: [seeing Connie eat] Whoa! My mother is the only one who could take a sandwich like that.
- Gorman Seedling: You just can't talk religion with some people!
- Beldar Conehead: AAAHHHH, SENSO RINGS! Where did you GET THOSE?!
- Connie Conehead: Under your bed?
- Beldar Conehead: UNACCEPTABLE! YOUR CONE IS TOO YOUNG! Get up! You are coming to Remulak RIGHT NOW!
- Connie Conehead: I am staying with Ronnie!
- Beldar Conehead: Maintain low tones. Impossible! Undesirable! Inadvisable!
- Otto: Beldar, you tryin to tell me you don't got a social security number?
- Beldar: Correct.
- Otto: Why not?
- Beldar: I am an illegal alien.
- Otto: I knew you were too good to be true! Every time I make some money, this happens!
- Eli Turnbull: Excuse me sir, but should they be in fact, creatures from another planet, isn't that the Air Force's responsibility?
- Gorman Seedling: If they're just visiting, sure... but the minute they try to work here, they're mine!
- Prymatt: Perhaps you and Larry will join us for the consumption of mass quantities this weekend... will we ignite our new flame pit and char some mammal flesh for you.
- Lisa: That sounds like fun.
- Beldar: You look handsome, yet uncomfortable in your pubescent ceremonial garb.
- Ronnie: Yeah... You mean my tux, right?
- Beladr: It is time for mid-day cessation of activities for carbo-protien intake.
- Otto: Yeah, sure. Take a lunch break.
- Beldar: An owner's manual to a Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable.
- Highmaster: Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable?
- Beldar: A personal conveyance named after its inventor, an assassinated ruler, a character from Greco-Roman myth and a small furry mammal.
- Highmaster: Ah.
- Gorman Seedling: Do you agree that the world is headed for a terrible calamity?
- Beldar Conehead: Most definitely. In fact, I have direct, personal knowledge that this is so.
- Eli Turnbull: Great, may we come in?
Beldar Conehead: If, for some reason your life functions ceased, my most precious one, I would collapse, I would draw the shades and I would live in the dark. I would never get out of my slar pad or clean myself. My fluids would coagulate, my cone would shrivel, and I would die, miserable and lonely. The stench would be great.
- Dan Aykroyd as Beldar Conehead / Donald R. DeCicco
- Jane Curtin as Prymaat Conehead / Mary Margaret Rowney
- Michelle Burke as Connie Conehead
- Michael McKean as Gorman Seedling, INS Agent
- David Spade as Eli Turnbull, Seedling's assistant
- Chris Farley as Ronnie Bradford, Connie's boyfriend
- Sinbad as Otto