Conker's Bad Fur Day

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Conker's Bad Fur Day is a Nintendo 64 video game made by Rare that was marketed as an adult platform game.

Opening[edit]

Conker: Well … there I am … Conker the king, king of all the land! Who'd have thought that? "But how did I come to this?", I hear ya say. "And who are those strange fellows that surround my throne?", that you also say. Well, it's a long story. Come closer, and I'll tell ya.

It all started … yesterday, and what a day that was. It's what I call … A Bad Fur Day.

Conker's Hangover[edit]

Conker: I feel sick.
Conker: Ugh, I don't feel so good.
Conker: My head's like a … Badger's ass.
Conker: Ugh, that's the last time I drink a drop.

Wad of money[edit]

"Some money over here!" "Hey!" "Somebody get me!"
"Here I am, ya greedy punk!"
"So, you want some green stuff"
"Hey I'm here hurry up, pick me up, poophead"
"Hey where the heck you've been you ginger idiot"
"Somebody call for me,who wants some of the dough?"

Scarecrow Birdy[edit]

[Conker walks up to Birdy]
Birdy: Whatsa? Uh. Who are you?
Conker: Oh. Hello. Can you help me? I need to get home and go to bed 'cause I don't feel very well at all.
Birdy: Er. Home? Noo. No.
Conker: Oh. So you can't help me at all.
Birdy: Actually … yeah … yes, I can … maybe.
Conker: Um … okay … what's your name?
Birdy: Birdy.
Conker: Beardy? But you haven't got a beard.
Birdy: No. Birdy. I scare birdies.
Conker: Okay, Birdy. So, how can you help me?
Birdy: Right. Step over here.
[Conker steps on the B pad]
Birdy: You see those buttons? Actually, you'll find that, eh … eh, they're called context sensitive. He he he. And … eh … well, actually … they, eh … press B.
Conker: Press B?
Birdy: Oh yeah. The light comes on and it makes this noise. Ting! Ting noise. It goes ting.
[Lightbulb appears over Conker and goes ting!]
Birdy: There you go. Ting … that's it.
Conker: That's it?
Birdy: Yeah.
Conker: Okay, I'll press B.
[Pressing B causes Conker to pull out a bottle of Booze]
Conker: Oh.
Birdy: Eh, I don't mind if I do.
[Birdy chugs the Booze]
Conker: So … what does that mean?
Birdy: It means context sensitive. It's sensitive to context. Try it over there.
[Birdy points to other B pad as gate opens up]
Conker: Okay.
Birdy: Or you could try it again.
[If you press B again, a bottle of helium will come out; Birdy sprays it in his mouth]
Birdy: [in higher pitch] Really nice helium. He he he.
[If you press B yet again, another bottle of Booze will come out]
Birdy: Ah. Don't mind if I do. Thank you very much.
[Birdy chugs the Booze again]
Birdy: Ah. I'm going to go to bed now. Night-night.
[Birdy falls asleep; after pressing B on the new B pad, Conker takes out some Alka-Seltzer, puts it in glass of water, shakes it up, and takes a swig; he gets better and throws the glass away]
Conker: Wow. Just what I needed. In fact, it would seem to me that these gave me just what I needed at that moment in time … oh … I see what he means. Context sensitive. Clever … hm … and I feel loads better! Right. Let's get out of here. Oh, and by the way. If for whatever reason you want to skip all these wonderful cutscenes, then just press the L button. But, you will have to have watched them at least once.

The Gothic Gargoyle[edit]

[Conker needs to get across a bridge, but there's a large stone gargoyle laying down on it]
Conker: Ah, who's this guy?
Gargoyle: If you think you're coming this way … you can think again!
Conker: Oh, you're a real charmer. I just wanna get past, please?
Gargoyle: No. I don't think so. I've only just got comfy. Have you ever sat on a piece of Gothic architecture for 200 years? Gets right up your arse, you know. Thought it was about time to move on to a bridge, say. And I'm not moving now.
Conker: Isn't it a little bit early in the day to start talking about "Gothic architecture"?
Gargoyle: Well, if you care to come a bit closer, we can discuss things of another nature.
[If Conker gets close to the gargoyle, it will grab him, maul him brutally, then throw him off the bridge. However, if you hit him with the frying pan...]
Gargoyole: Ha! A frying pan. [laughs] You stupid little … [stands up]
Conker: [thinking] See ya.
[The Gargoyle loses his balance and falls off the bridge]

Gregg the Grim Reaper[edit]

[The Grim Reaper calls for Conker first time he dies; the Reaper is short and has a squeaky voice, so he uses a poor-quality megaphone in order to sound more intimidating]
Gregg the Grim Reaper: Conker … Conker … Conker! Yes, you, boy. You're dead! You are dead! Dead as a dodo! Deader than a … [feedback noise, Gregg walks out holding a megaphone] I can't be arsed with this bloody ridiculous contraption! Whose idea was this, anyway? Right, hello! Um, my name's Gregg, the Grim Reaper – and don't laugh!
Conker: Aren't you a little short to be a grim reaper?
Gregg the Grim Reaper: Well, how many grim reapers have you met before, mate? What, what am I supposed to look like?
Conker: Yeah, that's a good point, and well made.
Gregg the Grim Reaper: Now, let's see … ah yes, Conker. Surname?
Conker: The Squirrel.
Gregg the Grim Reaper: The Squirrel. The … oh, bloody hell! You would have to be a sodding squirrel, wouldn't you?
Conker: Why, is there a problem with that?
Gregg the Grim Reaper: Why, yes, there is, actually. It's like those bloody cats, such a pain in the arse! You're one of these special cases.
Conker: Oh, really?
Gregg the Grim Reaper: Yes. Apparently, according to the powers that be [points up] – I'm just doing my job, I do what I'm told, I don't even get paid very much – apparently, squirrels can have as many lives as they think they can get away with.
Conker: Oh, I see. So I'm not dead?
Gregg the Grim Reaper: You're dead … but not quite.
Conker: Hah, right. Well, I'll be off, then!
Gregg the Grim Reaper: Tshah! Just you wait, smart arse. You don't get out of it that easily. Now, the thing is, you may not be dead, but that doesn't mean you can't die. You just have few more, shall we say … chances. Yeah, like cats. I hate those things. Right! Distributed around your little world are these tail things, squirrel's tails. If you can get them, I'll give you an extra chance. Understand?
Conker: Um … well … sounds a bit strange, but okay.
Gregg the Grim Reaper: Strange? It's the best bloody deal you're going to get, you little prick. Right, that's it! Piss off! I've got some cats to see. Bloody things. I hate those bloody cats. The way they meow and they piss everywhere, and their shit smells just bloody awful, all over my furniture, I just …

[Later in the game, Gregg can be seen swinging his scythe through a pool of water repeatedly, exclaiming, "They've got fish versions of the bastards now!", referring to the catfish in the water]
Gregg the Grim Reaper: I don't bloody believe it. They've got fish versions of the little bastards now. Come here! I'll show them. Ah! Missed the little fuckers again. I've got your number, mate. It's down to two for you. Ah! There's a oner. Ha ha, yes. Not long for you now, you little prick.

[Some time later, after you open a big gate]
Gregg the Grim Reaper: Oh! You again. Why don't you piss off! Can't you see I'm busy? I suppose you want to go there now, do you? Where there's lots of money, no doubt. One of those rich ancestors of yours. Bloody undead, un-bloody dead. I mean, it's even worse than bloody cats. Undead! What's the bloody point! … [Conker shrugs his shoulders] Um … you may be needing a bit of help. So I've got this. I hate the undead, hate them. It's the only thing that kills them. Shot through the head. Nothing more, nothing less. Here, it's better than that pissing frying pan, that's for sure. Take it. That's it! Piss off!
Conker: Hm … a shotgun. Yeah. Don't like the sound of zombies, though. Still, if it gets on his nerves, then that's all right by me. And what was that about an ancestor, undead ancestor? Hm. Well, if he's undead, then technically that makes him kind of dead, which means I should get the inheritance. I mean, how bad can a handful of dead people be? They're dead! Well, undead. Now, let's see … shotgun. I think it's one of those B pressing moments, don't you?

[Some time after that, after killing twelve zombies (or more)]
Gregg the Grim Reaper: Ah! Not bad, I suppose. That's another twelve souls. Right. Come on. In you go. And I think you'll find that you're the one that'll be needing a will. Inheritance, Pah!

Sunflower[edit]

Conker: Hey. Uh, could you help me out here? There's a guy over there. He says he wants to … something to do with stigmas … not quite sure. Pollinate you? Sounds a bit strange, but …
Sunflower: Go away. Ooh, that big tail of yours is far too tickly. [giggles]
Conker: Uh, no, you don't understand. Hey …
Sunflower: Get that big, long, hairy tail away from me! [giggles]
Conker: Ah, suit yourself, then.
Sunflower: Ooh, be like that.

Paintpot and Paintbrush[edit]

Franky:what the damn diddly-squat are you doing in my barn?
Conker:well i never, it's a talking pitch fork.
franky: not from 'round here, are you boy?
conker: no, im from the twenty first century.
franky: i don't rightly recollect liking your type,there i conclude i is gonna kick your butt around this barn like there's no tomorrow.
conker:(thinking) what the heck's he moaning about?
franky:i is gonna stick my big fork right into yers.
conker: were parents related? like before they were married?
franky: right! that's it. i is gonna give you a whupping! here we go!
Paintpot: I've seen some kicking ass in my time, and that was the shittiest, crappiest, crappiest, shittiest kick ass I've ever seen.
Paintbrush: Yeah, that was pretty crap. As far as kickin' ass goes, it was abysmal, and you is a shitty bastard, stupid bastard. Isn't he?
Paintpot: Yeah, he sure is … so what are you gonna do now, kill yourself? 'Cause that's what I'd recommend.
Paintbrush: Yeah, you should kill yourself! We got a rope, don't we?
Paintpot: Yeah, we got a rope!
Franky the Pitchfork: What kind of friends are you … in that case I is gonna kill myself, I'm gonna kill myself right now. That's all there is to it. Fuck you!
[After hanging on a noose for a few minutes]
Paintpot: What are you doing? [laughs] You stupid bastard, [laughs again] he hasn't even got a neck.
Paintbrush: Yeah, look at him hanging up there. Stupid bastard hasn't even got a neck. He hasn't got a neck, has he?
Paintpot: I already said that! Shut up!
Paintbrush: Oh. Okay.
Franky: Well, whad'ya know, I don't appear to have a neck of any description. In fact I don't even have an oesophagus! Oh, diddle-die-dam, I is gonna be up here for a long time.
Haybot: Hmm, my nemesis has been defeated … [faces Paintpot and Paintbrush] Yes, it's me again! Right, time to wander around … aimlessly!

[After Conker cuts Franky down]
Paintpot: What'd you do that for? Dumb shit.
Paintbrush: Yeah, dumb shit.
Paintpot: Why is it that you have to repeat everything I say?
Paintbrush: I don't repeat everything you say … do I?
Paintpot: Yes, you do, actually.
Paintbrush: Oh. Sorry.
Franky: Why, thank you, Mr. Squirrel. I was hanging up there by my purdy little neck. It was like one of them there executions ya hears about.
[Conker looks at the Paintbrush and Paintpot, and he briefly sees them wearing executioner's garments, however turns around and realizes it was only him imagining it]
Conker: Um, yeah, anyway, what are we gonna do about this guy over here?
Franky: Well, um, what d'you wanna do about him? I'll do anything for you, 'cause you is my bestest buddy in the whole wide world!
[The paintpot and Paintbrush start laughing, which Conker then shoves the paintbrush into the Paintpot's mouth]
Conker: So, what exactly did you have in mind?
Franky: Well, now, hop on ma back here, and we is gonna go for a ride.
Conker: Okay, fine, but don't get any funny ideas, this is purely a means to an end.
Franky: Well, I don't know what ya talkin' about.

The Great Mighty Poo[edit]

[First verse]
Ahem-hem. Mi mi mi mi miiiii …
I am the Great Mighty Poo,
and I'm going to throw my shit at you.
A huge supply of tish comes from my chocolate starfish.
How about some scat, you little twat?
[Second verse]
Do you really think you'll survive in here?
You don't seem to know which creek you're in.
Sweet corn is the only thing that makes it through my rear.
How d'you think I keep this lovely grin?
(Have some more caviar!)
[Third verse]
Now I'm really getting rather mad.
You're like a niggly tiggly shitty little tag-nut.
When I've knocked you out with all my bab,
I'm going to take your head and ram it up my butt!
Conker: Your butt?
Great Mighty Poo: My butt!
Conker: Your butt?!
Great Mighty Poo: That's right, my butt!
Conker: Err …!
Great Mighty Poo: My butt!
Conker: Agh!
Great Mighty Poo: My BUUUUUUUUTT!!!
[Final quote]
Great Mighty Poo: Ah! You cursed squirrel! Look what you've done! I'm flushing! I'm flushing! Oh, what a world, what a world! Who'd have thought a good little squirrel like you could destroy my beautiful clagginess! Ah! I'm going! Oh! Ahh! No! Aaaaaaah!
Conker: Huh huh! Now that's what I call a bowel movement!

Count Batula[edit]

[The door opens as Conker looked around the house and Count Batula comes down the stairs]
Count Batula: Ah! Velcome to my house. Please enter of zyour own free vill. And bring vith you some of the happiness that is so evident in your face, and so lacking in my own.
Conker: Huh! He's not kidding there! Okay, I'll just cross this threshold here. Hm, I'm sure that's of some significance, but can't think what it is. Anyway, nice hairdo.
Count Batula: Vat?
Conker: Nothing!
Count Batula: So? Ve seldom have visitors in these parts, vat being out here, in ze middle of nowhere, on such a cold and gloomy night. Pray, follow me.
[The door closes as Conker and Count Batula head for the dining room]
Count Batula: You look as if you are in need of sustenance, and I have many zings to eat … and drink! Pray, follow.
Conker: Oh, okay. Food, yeah … getting a bit sick of chocolate, anyway.
Count Batula: This vay.
[As Conker and Count Batula head to the dining room]
Count Batula: As you can see, the house is in some-vat a state of repair. Ve are having a few refurbishments doing at ze moment and … I vas going to have all zis knocked through, to make one big, eh … but anyvay, I think ve'll just stick to ze conservatory, for the present. Ah, my dining room.
[Conker starts eating a chicken drumstick and drinking wine as Count Batula holds the bottle]
Conker: Very nice!
Count Batula: More vine?
Conker: I don't mind if I do, thank you.
[Count Batula pours more wine in the cup, as Conker continues eating and drinking]
Conker: Eh, y-you're not drinking, then?
Count Batula: No. I never drink … vine. [laughs]
Conker: So, em, uh, [slurp] who's this guy here? He looks, eh … he looks like you!
Count Batula: Mmm … my forefather. He vas a crusader in a war of long ago. When ve were allies … vit ze squirrels and ze panthers. Zat union – alas! – vas not successful.
Conker: Yeah, and he had really stupid teeth, as well! Didn't they have any dentists back then?
Count Batula: Enough! Who are you to criticize me or my ancestors, whose blood runs in zrough zhese veins? You are not of noble birth, and never vill be.
[Count Batula calms down and backs up away from Conker]
Count Batula: Pray, accept my apologies. Vhenever I talk about my ancestors, I get somewhat … touchy.
Conker: Aw, that's all right. I know how it is, families! So, eh, ya been here long?
Count Batula: Hmm, about 300 years!
Conker: Really? Huh, quite a big family, then?
Count Batula: No, it's just me.
[The wolves starts howling]
Conker: Oh! What's that noise?
Count Batula: Ah, the children of the night. Vat sweet music they make.
Conker: Music? They're howling.
[Suddenly, there is a big thump on the front door]
Count Batula: Vat is that noise?
[The thumps on the front door are getting louder]
Conker: Sounds like somebody's braying on the door! They don't like you either, I take it.
Count Batula: Ah, shit. Ze villagers again. Sounds like zhere is more of zem zis time. Zis could be your lucky night, Conker. I vas going to kill you … and drink your blood. But now I think I will be needing your help. Pray, come here.
Conker: Eh, can we just go back a bit there? That "drinking my blood" bit. What's all that abou…
Count Batula: I said, come here!
[Count Batula bites Conker and the villagers barge in]

[Later, after Count Batula bites Conker, he turns himself into a bat and hangs on to a ceiling]
Count Batula: Ah, delicious. And familiar. Yes, I think you are my great, great, great, great, great grandson, Conker. Velcome to ze family. [laughs] Velcome indeed. I have a little task for you. These little villagers … occasionally pop into my establishment, to have a little fun … and see if they can kill me! It's never vorked yet! As you can see, I've had a few … minor alterations to the house. Ve have ze grinder! And ve have ze pumps. And ve have some other bits and pieces. It is your duty, your errand, indeed, the whole point of your existence, as of zis day, is to fetch me ze villagers, put zem in ze grinder, and let me feed. You may feed too, if you vish, but only later! Vell?
[Conker starts talking bat]
Count Batula: Ah yes, I forgot. You can only speak like vat you are … a bat! Right, chop-chop, fetch me ze villagers. I am hungry.

[Final quote]
Count Batula: Oh! I think I have drunk too much. Ah, shhiii
[Count Batula falls to the grinder and dies; then, Conker starts to turn back to normal]
Conker: That doesn't happen to you every day.
[Then a lot of zombies spawn all around the mansion]
Conker: Ah! more zombies... time for the double barrel boy, hopefully for the last time.

Final Line[edit]

Conker: So, here I am, King. King of all the land. Who'd have thought that? Huh, not me. I guess you know who these guys are now, because I certainly do. I don't wanna know them. And yup, I may be king, I have all the money in the world … and all the land … and all that stuff. But you know … I don't really think I want it. I just wanna go home, with Berri, and I dunno, have a bottle of beer. Hmmm … it's not gonna happen. It's true what they say, 'The grass is always greener, and you don't really know what it is you have, until it's gone … gone … gone …

External links[edit]

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