Dave Chappelle

From Wikiquote

Dave Chappelle (born August 24, 1973) is an American comedian, most notably known for his hit T.V. show, Chappelle's Show.

[edit] Killing Them Softly

• "You know you'll be walking down the street and see a group of black dudes walkin'. And not just any black dudes we talking, you know, thugs. And sometimes, you'll see one or two or as many as three white guys with em. You see that shit? Let me tell you something about them white guys. Those white guys are the most dangerous mother fuckers in them groups. Its true. They ain't no tellin' what they've done to get them black dudes' respect. I've been telling brothers that; every group should have at least one white guy in it. For safety. Cause when shit goes down … somebody's gonna need to talk to the police."

• "A black person would never dream of talkin' to the police high; that's a waste of weed."

• "That's that whole police brutality thing. See that's common knowledge now. There used to be a time when only minorities really knew about that. Now I'm not saying white people didn't believe us, but you were a little skeptical. Then the Newsweek printed it and you knew it was true. 'Oh my god. Honey, did you see this? Apparently, the police have been beating up Negros like hot cakes!' Really though, how could you know? I mean you should have been a little suspicious. Don't you think its a little suspicious...that every dead black person the police find has crack sprinkled on him? I mean come on. Who gets shot and then sprinkles crack on themselves?"

• "I be scared to call 911 for anything, even a fire. Cause they tape those phone calls and then play them on the news. That's fucked up. a day. I mean what if I get killed? I'm dead and can't explain myself to my buddies. It be like 'Hello, emergency?' 'Help! Help mutha fucka, they comin to get me!' 'Just calm down, sir. Where are you?' 'Oh...oh I shit on myself. I can't stop crying.' They'd play that shit 30 or 40 times a day. All my buddies would be sittin' at my funeral like 'You know Dave shit on himself right before he died?' 'Yeah...Saw it on the news. He died crying like a bitch.' "

• "No one calls 911 cool and relaxed. Now that shit would sound ridiculous.'

'Hello, emergency. Hi. Hey 911 how are you? Yeah, aaahh. Look. There's a group of hooded white men gathering outside my house. And it looks like they mean business., "GET OUT HERE NIGGER." I gotta go. You guys try and hurry. "

• "Have you ever watched like a cartoon that you used to watch when you were little, as an adult? I was sittin' there with my nephew. I turned it on Sesame Street. And I was like Oh good. Sesame Street. Now he'll learn how to count and spell. But now I'm watching it as an adult and I realize that Sesame Street teaches kids other things. It teaches kids how to judge people and label people, that's right. They got this one character named Oscar. They treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right to his face. 'Oscar you are so mean. Isn't he kids?' 'Yeah Oscar, you're a grouch!' He's like 'Bitch I live in a fucking trash can! I'm the poorest mother fucker on Sesame Street. Nobody's helpin' me.' Now you wonder why your kids grow up and step over homeless people, like 'Get it together, grouch. Get a job, grouch.' "

• "A lot of black people can relate to this. Have you ever had something happen that was so racist, you didn't even get mad? You were just like 'Gah damn, that was racist!' I mean it was so blatant you were like "wow …" That happened to me. I was in Mississippi doing a show. And I walk into this restaurant to order some food, and I say to the guy 'I would like to have …' And before i could even finish my sentence, he says, 'The chicken!' I was like "What the fuck?!" I couldn't believe it. This man was absolutely right! I said "How did he know that I was gonna get some chicken?" I asked him, I was like 'How'd you know that? How'd you know I was gonna get some chicken?' He looked at me like I was crazy. 'Come on buddy. Now everybody knew as soon as you walked through the god damn door that you were gonna get some chicken. It a no secret down here that blacks and chickens are quite fond of one another.' And then I finally understood what he was saying and I got upset. I wasn't even mad, I was just upset. I wasn't ready to hear that shit. All these years, I thought I liked chicken cause it was delicious; but turns out, I'm genetically predisposed to liking chicken!"

• "This is one thing that happens that's funny. You know sometimes I'll be on a business call with some body, like a lawyer. And you know, my lawyers be white. And they'll be like 'Okay Dave, we're gonna close the deal. Is that okay with you?' I'll be like 'Yeah that's cool for me.' 'Great. Great. You have a good weekend, Dave.' I be like, 'Alright you too man. Peace.' 'Uh … uhh alright. Bye bye.' They don't know what to say, right?"

• "So sometimes, I'll make up shit that's not even slang just to see how they handle it and shit. It be the same call like, 'Alright we're gonna close the deal, is that fine with you Dave?' 'Yeah sounds good to me.' 'Great. You have a good weekend Dave.' 'Alright buddy. Zip it up, and zip it out!' They be like, 'Uh...uh alright. Zippiddy-do-dah, bye bye.' "

• "Terrorists don't take black hostages. That's the truth. I have yet to see one of us on the news reading a hostage letter. Like, 'Uh … they is treatin' us good. Uh we are chillin' and shit. I'd like to give a shout out to Ray-Ray an Big Steve and uh, send some Newports!' "

• "White people do not like to talk about their politcial affiliations. Its a secret. You ask a white guy who's he votin' for, like 'Hey Bob, who you gonna vote for?' 'Dave! Dave, woah, woah woah. Take it easy. So I was fuckin' my wife in her ass, right? And let me tell you, it was something else.' 'Yeah yeah, but who are you gonna vote for?' 'DAVE! Dave, come on with the voting! I'm trying to tell you about fucking my wife in the ass, and you're asking me all these personal questions.' "

• "Like see I'd never vote for George Bush junior, but I don't know anything about his politics. All I know about that George Bush junior is that that guy sniffed cocaine, that's right. Now listen, we can't have that shit in the White House. That may be fine for a mayor, but god dammit not the White House! The stakes are too high. He'd be sellin' nuclear secrets for 20 or 30 dollars and shit."

• (Speaking as the President on crack) "Sign the treaty baby, I'll suck your dick!"

• (Talking about the Clinton/ Lewinsky scandal) "Busy men fuck who's close to them. Its like Clinton just stuck his head out the door, 'You! You, get in here. Get my penis sucked before my 3:30.' "

• "And then Ed Bradly looked right at the camera and said 'Don't bust that nut yet, we'll be right back.'

• "I know every girl in here got a dick they regret. And I bet you it wasn't a President's dick. I bet he worked at Kenny's Shoes or Safeway or somethin' like that."

• "I could be the first black president. I mean I don't think anyone would hurt me; some people might want to hurt me, but I don't think they'd touch me. Because my vice president would be Mexican for a little "insurance." I mean you can shoot me, but you're just gonna open up the border."

• "All I gotta say about Elian is thank god he's Cuban. Cause if he had been Haitian, you'd have never heard about his ass. If Elian Gonzales was Elian Mumoombo from Haiti, they'd have pushed that little rubber tube back into the water. 'Sorry fella. All full.' "

• (Talking about magazines like Cosmo)"Chivalry died when women started readin' the shit in all them magazines. They got too much advice about men from other women. And they don't know what the fuck they're talkin' about. I see them in the grocery store, says on the cover '100 Ways to Please Your Man' by some lady. Come on man. Ain't no 100 ways. That list is 4 things long. Just suck his dick, play with his balls, and then fix him a sandwich and don't talk so fuckin' much and he'll be happy!"

[edit] Other

• About dead prez at Dave Chappelle's Block Party:

"Never in a million year will you hear somebody on the radio say 'I'm up for runnin' up on them crackers in city hall'."

• In an interview with James Lipton:

"You can't get unfamous. You can get infamous, but you can't get unfamous."

"The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive. 'I don't understand this person. So they're crazy.' That's bullshit. These people are not crazy. They strong people. Maybe their environment is a little sick."

"I liked smoking weed so much that I thought: "I should make a movie about this" "

[edit] See also

• Chappelle's Show