Dead Ringers

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Dead Ringers (BBC Radio 4, 4 January 2000 – 20 October 2005; BBC Two, 18 November 2002 – 2007) was a UK radio and television comedy impressions show broadcast on BBC Radio 4 and BBC2. The programme was devised by Bill Dare and developed with Jon Holmes, Andy Hurst and Simon Blackwell. It stars Jon Culshaw, Jan Ravens, Phil Cornwell, Kevin Connelly and Mark Perry. The principal writers are Tom Jamieson and Nev Fountain. The other writers are John Finnemore, David Mitchell, Simon Blackwell, Richard Ward, Colin Birch, Carl Carter, Tony Cooke, Jon Culshaw and Jan Ravens.

Characters[edit]

George W. Bush[edit]

  • My fellow animaniacs…
  • My fellow Ugly Bettys...
  • My fellow amoeboids…
  • My fellow watermelons…
  • My fellow pelicans…
  • My fellow umbrellastands…
  • My fellow sea-beavers…
  • My fellow ostriches…
  • My fellow Bulgarians…
  • My fellow Abi Titmuses…
  • My fellow Algorithms…
  • My fellow Merkins…
  • My fellow crustaceans...
  • [Referring to the end of the Iraq War] I give my word to the Iraqi people that American construction firms have arrived on the ground and will commence reincarnation immediately…
  • You must remember that Al-Qaeda therapists despise the American way of life, and everything you and I hold to be queer…
  • Today the Iraqi people will be voting — whether they are Sonnies or Chers.
  • The Iraqi people can look forward to a future free of intimidation and violins.
  • Former President, Bill Clitoris…
  • My fellow cabinet members, Donald Rumsfeld and Basmati Rice…
  • Abu Musab al-Safari and the Iraqi detergents are vanished.
  • Yassir Crackerjack and the Polyunsaturated people.
  • [After a long speech] I hope I have made myself queer.
  • As a result, the North Korean leader Kim Jong-il announcified that he would be resumerating their nucular program.
  • Al-Kapowwow

Tony Blair[edit]

  • People of Britain, starey eyes, sweaty palms, receding hairline, yesterday I announced…
  • People of Britain, oh how I hate to be beside the seaside grimace, hate Gordon Brown hand gesture, looking over his shoulder underpants…
  • People of Britain, this is your Prime Minister, twitchy face, embarrassing plum suit, today...
  • People of Britain, this is your Supreme Overlord…
  • People of Britain, who hate me…
  • You miserable gits, this is your Prime Minister…
  • People of Britain, this is your Emperor…
  • Slack-jawed simpletons of Britain, this is your leader…
  • ... But I am not Tony Blair. No, my real name is Enrique "The Condor" Martinez ...
  • [regarding George W. Bush] As you can see, the lights are on but no one's in the trailer home.
  • People of Britain, this is your I-can't-believe-it's-not-Gordon Prime Minister.
  • [after just regenerating into the Tenth Doctor] New Labour. That's weird.

John Prescott[edit]

  • The listeners understand, John, and Gordon Brown agrees with this and you've had your say, that in so far as this policy is implemented if I can get a word in edgeways and the whole Cabinet is behind this…
  • I never said I was the Queen. This was twisted by the media back into the order in which I said it.
  • Look, simply Blair has lost touch with the people! (Beat) Oh dear I almost made sense there!
  • And that's the end of the whole affair. And by affair I don't mean affair so will you quiet down, Pauline!
  • I used the funds for my large volume of important work (Beat) and my wife's volume of important hair
  • It is with deep regret and double chin that I announce this.

Kirsty Wark[edit]

  • He was a skater boy, she said see you later boy, he wasn't good enough for her. More on that story later.
  • I swear you're just like a pill. Instead of making me better you're making me ill. More on that story later.
  • I predict a riot, I predict a riot, I predict a riot, I predict a riot. More on that story later.
  • I've got something to put in you, I've got something to put in you, at the gay bar, gay bar. More on that story later.
  • You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot — happy Christmas, your arse, I pray God it's your last. More on that story later.
  • I'm not trying to pull you, even though I would like to. I think you are really fit. You're fit but my gosh don't you know it. More on that story later.
  • It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. More on that novel later.
  • My heart's in overdrive and you're behind the steering wheel.. More on that story later.
  • I want money, that's all I want, just give me money. More on Jeremy Paxman's new salary demands later, but first…
  • My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps. More on that story later
  • My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like: It's better than yours. Damn right. It's better than yours. More on that story later.
  • Push me, and touch me, so I can get my satisfaction. More on that story later.
  • They tried to make me go to rehab but I said no no no. More on that story later.
  • I've had the same jeans on for four days now. More on that story later.
  • And i would walk five hundred miles, and i would walk five hundred more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall at your door. More on that story later.
  • Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money. More on that story later.
  • Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. More on that story later.
  • You're watching Newsnight... are you trying to impress someone? More on that story later.
  • One love for the city streets, one love for the hip hop beats. One love is all we need. More on that story later.
  • Even when I'm with my boo, all I think about is you. More on that story later.
  • If there's a problem, yo I'll solve it, check out the hook while my DJ revolve it. More on that story later.

Fiona Bruce[edit]

  • Hello and welcome to the Ten O'Clock News with me Fiona Bruce. It's not the news in my life, it's the life in my news.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce, proud to be tested on animals.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce, and I'm sat on the luckiest chair in Britain.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce. Breaking news, breaking hearts.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce. I'm the one who made the frog crazy.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce. There's never a hosepipe ban when I'm around.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce. Forget The Da Vinci Code, I'm the one who'll bring the Catholic Church to its knees.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce. When the news is good, I'm good. When it's bad, I'm better.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce. If you're looking for a source of alternative energy, you've come to the right place.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce; the real reason Thierry Henry is staying in Britain.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce; Michael Schumacher has been stripped of his pole position from the Monaco Grand Prix, after an incident during the qualifying lap, and I've just won £50 from my producer for saying stripped, pole and lap without moving my eyebrows.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce; David Cameron's first choice of luxury item.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce; Play your cards right, and you could be in for a Brucey bonus!
  • I'm Fiona Bruce. I'll make Peter Crouch.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce. Like Britney Spears, I'm completely shaved.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce. Standing up, or behind the desk, it's all the same with me!
  • I'm Fiona Bruce. With rear end suspension and airbags as standard.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce. Now the regional news, all my regions are just as fantastic as the rest of me.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce. Don't move! I like you in that position
  • X-Men? They are when I've finished with them.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce. Guess where I've got my Red Nose!
  • I'm Fiona Bruce. I've kept slaves in the past but I'm not apologizing.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce. Gordon Brown visits me privately as well.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce. Have you been a good boy all year? Then it won't be me coming down your chimney at midnight; I only like bad boys!
  • I'm Fiona Bruce; My knickers are made of mistletoe.
  • David Blunkett has been fiercely criticized for telling David Dimbleby to piss-off during a live radio broadcast. David Dimbleby has been fiercely criticized for not pissing-off!
  • Hello, I'm Fiona Bruce and welcome to the News at 10. You bloody love it, don't you?
  • I'm Fiona Bruce. I'm off to play with Dom's little wood.
  • I've ironed your script, so if you crease it the only reporting you'll be doing is in the Falklands, and that's not very nice! Rhrrrr!
  • You're watching a NewsWatch election night special, and I've already had my ballot box well and truly stuffed!
  • I'm Fiona Bruce. Don't touch what you can't afford.
  • You're watching the Ten O'Clock News with me, Fiona Bruce, and like Britney, I'm also completely shaved.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce. The real reason Prince William is delaying the wedding.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce. The whole world's competing to lift my cup.
  • I'm Fiona Bruce. There's about 100,000 people in my catchment area.

BBC Continuity Announcers[edit]

  • Just starting over on BBC One is a brand new programme about the recent New Labour drama, The Project - following the story of a tiny handful of mysterious clandestine people who actually bother to watch it all the way through.
  • Tomorrow night at 9 on ITV1, there'll be someone who used to be in EastEnders, or Soldier Soldier on the hunt for a serial killer. I haven't actually looked at the schedules but it's bound to be there, it usually is.
  • And there's a treat in store for Drama lovers now, as this BBC Two trail has been adapted by Andrew Davies. Well, he's written everything else this weekend so he might as well write this too. It'll be just the same as the other trails really, except I'm wearing a frock coat and a top hat. You might notice something a little sexier than usual... Picture of a topless woman flashes on screen
  • Starting in a few minutes on ITV2 is Pop Rivals: Extra. Expect to see tears aplenty from those young hopefuls who've had their dreams of becoming a household name crushed... by being chosen to be in the final band.
  • Later tonight on BBC Four, we've a change to our scheduled film. In place of Jean Renoir's 1959 French classic Le Déjeuner sur l'herbe, we'll be screening Porky's Five Horny Babes in bikinis. No, we won't really, sorry, but I had to wake you up somehow, didn't I? Time for bed now, see you tomorrow!
  • Starting in a few minutes on ITV, it's the News At Ten with Trevor McDonald. Warning: may contain news.
  • Friday night on BBC One, we'll discover who has won Fame Academy, as the BBC plucks someone from obscurity, and with the help of designers, choreographers and a million-pound prize, throws them straight back into obscurity.
  • Over on BBC One starting in a few minutes, there'll be a chance to see the advert for the BBC's new digital service. But don't worry if you miss it, because it'll be on again half-an-hour after that, and then again, and again and again right throughout the night until it reaches the stage you'll be wanting to rip your own face off and stick it up Steven Berkoff's jacksie!
  • Later this evening on 4 (Channel Four), we have a documentary that takes a sensitive look at the issues surrounding gender reassignment. That's 'Bloody Hell, That Weird Looking Bloke's Wearing a Dress!', tonight at nine.
  • Great news for Muppets fans this festive season. There's a Muppet's Christmas Carol on ITV, A Muppet Treasure Island here on BBC One, and the Muppets Invade Baghdad and Kermit kicks Saddam's Arse on News 24.
  • This festive season on BBC One, we've yet more increasingly desperate Weakest Link themed specials.
  • You're watching BBC Two. Turkey curry? You sure that's a good idea?
  • Tomorrow at 9, we have a brand new reality TV series starring Chris Evans: When Bailiffs Attack!
  • Tomorrow here on 4, we have a brand new reality show: Rise. Where two presenters sit in a studio and try and vote out as many viewers as possible.
  • Tomorrow night at 7:30 over on ITV1, there sees the start of a brand new series: Pets Rebuild Houses! That's followed at 8:30 by Celebrity Pets Rebuild Houses, where Carol Vorderman's terrapin redesigns Christopher Biggins's gazeebo!
  • At 8 o'clock on Saturday, our series celebrating the written word, The Story of the Novel, asks the question of why do young people no longer read books? Followed at 9 by Big Brother.
  • You can see the next episode of 24 Pints(in-show spoof version of 24) at the same time next week on BBC Two. Viewers with digital satellite can watch the next episode right now over on BBC Three. And boy, do they bang on about that in the office all week!
  • Later tonight on ITV1, we see the start of a brand new series of How Clean is Your Celebrity Builder from Hell?. Where two mad women clean out Richard Blackwood's pants, while he overcharges for laying a patio.
  • Later on BBC Two, we'll be showing a selection of programmes from BBC Four, so you can ignore them all over again.
  • Saturday night on ITV sees the start of a brand new series, When David Jason attacks club reps with Carol Vorderman, because he's been ripped off by builders from hell! Right, and if you won't watch that, that's it. We give up! Officially. Do it yourselves! Make your own programmes!
  • There's a very special Big Brother 4 reunion this week, as seven of the housemates all apply for the same job at Burger King.
  • This next programme contains images some viewers may find distressing, as we go over live to Edgbaston for England vs. South Africa.
  • Later on BBC One, more makeover fun with House Invaders, as we send Anna Ryker-Richardson and Linda Barker to visit Tony Martin's farmhouse.
  • Later on ITV1, more members of the general public put their wits against the odds, as they desperately try to work out what time their favourite programme will be moved to next week.
  • You're watching BBC One. What, can't you afford a holiday?
  • Later tonight on The Bill there's a shock in store for the officers at Sun Hill, as a new detective arrives who has never been in another soap.
  • Later tonight on BBC One, as part of our commitment to pretending we're cultural and worthy, there's groundbreaking history programming, with Looking for Queen Victoria. Followed by History, with Charles II. Followed by Ancient History, with Colosseum.
  • A new documentary series on Wednesday tries to discover the reasons why more and more Brits every year are turning to drink. That's followed at 9 by Fame Academy.
  • You're watching BBC Four. Quiet, isn't it?
  • Later this evening here on 4, a sensitive and moving documentary exploring the issues surrounding obesity, in When Fat People Explode.
  • Coming up next on ITV, go on, guess! Just guess, no clues, nothing. Just guess. Well done! A Touch of Frost.
  • Coming up later this evening on BBC One, lots of loud, irritating, pointless trails for digital radio. Followed by equally loud pointless trails for cBeebies and Restoration, and if there's time we might even throw in a few programmes as well!
  • And we've a real treat tonight for viewers on 4. Yes, it's a programme without the word 'house' in the title!
  • Tomorrow night at 9 here on ITV, Real Lives looks at masochists, and what drives them night after night to watch ITV.
  • Coming up next on BBC One, the Test Card. That's followed on BBC Three by the Test Card: Extra, looking at what the Test Card does when it's not on television.
  • Coming up later on BBC One, The National Lottery: Winning Lines, the big-prize quiz game where with just one call to Philip Schofield, you could really make your night. Go on, call him a twat, live on peak-time television!
  • It's 6 o'clock on BBC Two, and you've tuned in because you've forgotten we don't have The Simpsons anymore. No, instead we have a double bill of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Every single weekday. Frankly we're just rubbing salt into the wound!
  • Tonight on 4, we're going to show one of the most highly acclaimed drama series that America has ever made, at 2:30 in the morning! In the meantime, you can watch all the shite we make here.
  • Friday night sees Episode 3 of Peter Ackroyd's London. And the show's fully interactive, so at the end simply press the red button on your digital handset, and someone will come around, run a key down the side of your car and steal your wallet.
  • This is Channel Four. To fulfill our remit for broadcasting daring, innovative and challenging television that may, at times, be difficult to watch - we're gonna play an episode of Friends backwards.
  • This week on EastEnders, Sonia celebrates her engagement to the man who murdered her last fiancee, and he asks the person who was in the car with them to be his best man. Yeah, we know... we've stopped watching it too.
  • Now on ITV, a desperate bid for ratings, as the character Tanya Turner from Footballer's Wives turns up in Bad Girls. Tomorrow, Sergeant Leyton from Heartbeat joins The Bill, and there's a new landlord at the Woolpack: Sir Trevor McDonald!
  • Now on BBC One, prestige drama, but don't worry there's plenty of guns and cleavage to get you through.
  • Tonight on 4, there's another triple bill of Friends, but first there's a quick update on the scores: Channel 4 has only broadcast 28 hours of Friends this week, whilst E4 are storming ahead with 37 hours! That's just 19 hours short of total Friends saturation, and believe-me (voice turns into a Dalek) THAT-DAY-WILL-COME!
  • CHANNEL FIVE ANNOUNCER: Tomorrow night our seemingly never-ending Nazi documentary season continues scraping the bottom of the barrel with the start of our new 10-part series: Allo, Allo!: A Warning from History.
  • Coming up on Friday's episode of EastEnders, Ian Beale gets the result of the DNA test: and gets the shock of his life. He is human after all.
  • You're watching Channel Five! Hello stranger, long time since we've seen you around here, isn't it? You used to flick by all the time when we showed soft porn all evening! Is that all we were to you!? I thought we had something special! No, no, I'm actually not gonna show you the movie now, just get out of my sight!
  • There's drama here later tonight on Five, when we finally run out of programmes about the Nazis, and realise that there's only one thing for it. We'll have to invade Poland!
  • Later on Channel Four at 10:30, Inside the Mind of Liza Minnelli. Then the weather at 10:32.
  • (At the Argentine Tango BBC One Ident): And now on BBC One, look at the people dancing! Just look at them, aren't they pretty? They're dancing in the rain, but they don't care, they're just dancing and dancing and dancing. That lady's so pretty, I think she might be a princess. Wish I was dancing in the rain... sigh.
  • Wednesday night on Destination D-Day, here on BBC One, there's a shock in store for the 15 raw recruits recreating life in a World War II training camp: when they're told that back home, 15 Americans are shagging their girlfriends.
  • At 8 tomorrow on BBC Two, we've got The Good Life. That's followed by Porridge at 8:30, and later at 10 there's That Was the Week we Watched . A nostalgic programme looking back at the shows we had been watching this week in 1979: which were Porridge and The Good Life.
  • This week on EastEnders, there's trouble in store for Kat Slater, when she's mistaken for a panda, tranquilized, and returned to London Zoo.
  • Next on BBC Two, Top Gear, and Jeremy Clarkson reviews the best hoses for siphoning petrol out of the new Mazda MX-5.
  • Thursday night on 4 at 9'o'clock, there's the second part of our disturbing documentary series Human Mutants. This week it's Dermot O'Leary.
  • You're watching BBC Four, quiet isn't it? I'm eating a Bath Oliver biscuit and some rather splendid olives, um.
  • It's a very special day for us on ITV now, as our new drama A Line in the Sand marks our 60th attempt of a vehicle for Ross Kemp. Let us never forget its fallen comrades.
  • Coming up on ITV1, after having played a cab driver in Shame, Frank Skinner is back on another show where he's carrying a passenger, where he is co-hosting Fantasy Football with David Baddiel!
  • Tuesday night on 4, there's Big Brother, followed by Sex with Strangers, followed by EuroTrash... after which you should probably take a shower. But no matter how hard you scrub, you'll still feel dirty!!
  • (At the Ribbon Gymnasts BBC One Ident): Now on BBC One, Drama. Oh no, oh God, she's falling, somebody save her! Somebody please, save her! Oh...! Oh no, she's OK... oh... they're all OK! Phew, I was worried there for a moment!
  • This Sunday afternoon, there's football on One, tennis on Two, football on Three and cricket on Four. Welcome to Channel Five, for everyone who pretended they left their games kit on the bus!
  • Tonight on 4, we're setting aside acres of airtime to analyze the single-most important American event of the year. Yes, we've got The Simpsons. Yah, boo, sucks to you, BBC!
  • Next month on 4, a moving and thought-provoking documentary that looks at the effective decomposition on the human body after death. That's Too Dead to Wash, with Kim and Aggie!
  • All next week on ITV, we'll be screening unseen episodes of Trisha, which presumably could be any of them.
  • Now on ITV1, the first of a six-part fly on the wall documentary about Jordan and Peter Andre. No, I'm not joking, I only wish I were.
  • On the Frank Skinner Show this week, the singer Joss Stone and the football manager Ron Atkinson - where they both get to listen to the amusing anecdotes of special guest star, Frank Skinner.
  • Coming up this evening at 7:30 here on Five, there's House Doctor, then Hot Property, then House Busters, and then House Doctor again. Yeah, it's Friday night, we know you're in the pub, so we've put some programmes on for your house to watch while you're out!
  • Friday night on ITV, and Rosemary and Thyme! There's a big shock in store for our sleuthing duo when no-one gets murdered, and the ladies are forced to do some bloody gardening for a change. Get on your knees and get your hands dirty, you lazy old biddies!
  • So, here's the rest of the day's line-up: three identical programmes about people trying to sell their house, followed by five identical programmes about people being made to live with people they're not likely to get on with. And on the other four channels, exactly the same thing.
  • Imagine returns to BBC One this week, with an Arthur Miller special. America's most famous living playwright movingly discusses his early seminal work, his latest play, and his marriage to Marilyn Monroe. That's Phwoar, I gave her one! Yes really, I did!, Wednesday at 10:45.
  • You're watching BBC Four. Exciting, wasn't it? A five-hour documentary about Lech Wałęsa in Welsh.
  • Later on 4: Morgan and Platel, where an ex-Mirror editor and an ex-Tory spin doctor continue to spark debate around the country. Like 'if you could only punch one of them, which would it be?'
  • You're watching ITV1. Coronation Street goes all '24' this week with a series of programmes in real time! Viewers will be gripped as Jack Duckworth has only 24 hours to find and defuse one of Betty's hotpots!
  • Now here on 4, the Sex Inspectors, where a couple with difficulties in the boardroom get the chance to do the nasty on national television - while two experts get to point out to everyone what they're doing wrong. Frankly, I'd rather carry on being a crap shag!

Charlotte Green[edit]

  • BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green: Jordan for the Home Counties!
  • BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green, and yes, from now on I'll be reading the news Calendar Girls-style.
  • BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green, and yes, I am shaking my Tic-Tacs at you.
  • BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green. Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to hear me?
  • BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green. Too orangey for crows.
  • BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green, the Home Counties' very own Pussycat Doll.

Brian Perkins[edit]

  • I am the God of Hellfire and I bring you...Radio 4!
  • I'm Brian Perkins. At my signal, unleash hell!
  • BBC Radio 4. I'm Kaiser Soze!
  • BBC Radio 4. I'm the Firestarter!
  • They counted without one thing. Me, Stone Cold Brian Perkins!
  • BBC Radio 4. I'm Lord Lucan!
  • I'm Brian Perkins. Harder than a fiendish sudoku on Viagra.
  • BBC Radio 4. I'm Brian Perkins. Come on, feel the noise.
  • Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, I'm Brian Perkins, don't **** with me.
  • BBC Radio 4. I'm Brian Perkins... the real Slim Shady.

John Humphries[edit]

  • It's coming up to eighteen minutes past eight.
  • It's coming up to seventeen minutes past twenty four.
  • It's forty-two billion years since the dawn of time.
  • It's time...James Naughtie got me a cup of tea!
  • The time is just an abstract construct and history is an illusion!
  • The time is just coming up to...my ankles.
  • The time is just coming up to a turn off at the A42 with a Duchy on the left hand side.
  • (in a 750th anniversary of Today) Thou art listening to 'Today', and just checking Stonehenge I can see that the time is approximately...spring! (laughter) Past seven.

Noel Edmonds (Deal or No Deal)[edit]

  • £250,000. 22 identical sealed boxes. A tiny, tiny beard. And no questions, except one. Where the hell do I buy my shirts?
  • You're back. Thought you would be. Let's face it you're watching television at half past four in the afternoon. Not as though you're busy.
  • Twenty-two unemployed people. A quarter of the budget of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, and no questions. No skill, and no idea why I get so worked up about the whole thing.
  • Inside this box is either £35,000 or an enraged snake. Lucy, you've rejected every deal the banker has offered you, you've refused to swap boxes, you're tolerating me standing far, far too close to you. Lucy, keep smiling but above all, keep your face free of corrosive snake venom.

Jose Mourinho[edit]

  • Today, Chel-sea has won / To win, that is my job / To lose, that is to die / The league, it will be mine / A god, you're lookin' at one / And now the end is near.
  • And will you hand me back me amazin' COAT OF POW-WER!

Sven-Goran Eriksson[edit]

  • Sweden, where I was designed and built
  • Play "Dress up" with David Beckham, "Pin the Metatarsal" on the Rooney, and "Climb a swing" on Peter Crouch
  • I am like a peaceful lake ... filled with concrete

Regarding the player wage cuts in 2005

  • It is very bad news. They now no longer can afford basic necessities like champagne, Aston Martins, or topless maid service.
  • Owen Hargreaves will be unable to afford his first-class ticket to the World Cup, so it might be more good than bad.
  • They have gotten second jobs. Wayne Rooney has hired himself out as a gorilla-gram, Theo Walcott is doing his classmate's schoolwork, and Peter Crouch is a dancer for Craftsmart.
  • They won't play well. And that's why I have 20 grand on Brazil. (does the Svenny dance)

Unsourced

  • The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.

Tom Baker (The Fourth Doctor)[edit]

  • You are Autons from the planet Tossoss!
  • [Making a prank call to the British Embassy in Berlin] Ah, is this the British Embassy? (Yes.) Ah, good evening. I am calling to warn you of an imminent Dalek invasion. (I see, sir. Can I get your name and address?) The Doctor, 325 Gallifrey Centre! [Hangs up]
  • I'm going to take a nap. Wake me up when I'm Peter Davison. Better yet, wake me up when I'm Sylvester McCoy.
  • (When a voiceover in the London Eye advises people to move to get their photo taken) Don't do it. It's a trap!
  • I travel in space and time ... and on trains
  • You are Australian, do you know my companion Tegan Jovanka? She had marvelous norks. I once asked her if I gave her five bucks if she would rub them together.
  • 1245, a wonderful year.
  • This party's dryer than the dark side of the planet Aurelia. [spikes the eggnog and begins laughing sinisterly before sneaking away]
  • Oh, another scarf, well that's just what I need.
  • Do you have change for a Gallifrian zonk?
  • You call yourself the train guard when in fact you are really THE MASTER.
  • (comes out of toilet) Gaseous sulphides; low concentration; I'd give it twenty minutes.
  • (when asked why he was travelling in a train) Because the TARDIS was destroyed when I took it to Kwikfit!
  • When I was travelling, the girls wore big hats and polka-dotted skirts. He (Christopher Eccleston) gets to go around with Billie Piper, a good bit of skirt with a gob large enough to lose a submarine in. Not fair.
  • Oh good, because France, Kasterborous is an absolute sh*thole!

Obi-Wan Kenobi[edit]

[Obi-Wan Kenobi to a used car salesman]

  • We need passage to Aldershot.
  • A fine cargo hold; plenty of room for me, my apprentice, two Druids, and no questions asked.
  • A long time ago I had a Ford Galaxy, far far away.
  • A metric speedometer. Metric; no Imperial entanglements!
  • Could it outrun Imperial vessels?
  • Could it resist a tractor beam?
  • The color of my last car was a little on the dark side.
  • I can give you 2,000 now and 15,000 when we get to Aldershot.
  • [Kenobi to Darth Vader] You cannot win, Darth. If you strike me down, you will lose your No-Claims Bonus!
  • [Vader to Kenobi, about their baguette duel] Your bakery products are weak, old man!

Maximus Decimus Meridius[edit]

  • Father to a mudered son, husband to a murdered wife ... but that's when I call Claims Direct! [cheesy music starts, Maximus walks through a call centre] If you've been involved in a motor accident that wasn't your fault, had a trip or fall anywhere, or had your family brutally murdered by the Empire's legionaires, call now.
  • Call MCMXXVI, that's MCMXXVI
  • I once had the plans, but they were stolen by Proximo and Gracchus.
  • Is your friend one of those who would plot a war against me?
  • We can't use the rivers as they have been infested by the plague.
  • We must bathe with the women slaves ... it will heighten the men's spirits before going into battle.
  • Mick? I will call you Mickus
  • [when asked whether 900 "portaloos" are needed for his soldiers] Well we can't have 20 soldiers to 1 shitter.
  • We must protect ourselves ... from the Visigoths, and the Huns, and the Barbarian Horde.

Cross-breed gags[edit]

  • Hello, welcome to Fame Academy. I'm Patrick Kealty - I'm Irish, I got spikey hair so in theory I should be as lovable and funny as Graham Norton. So much for theories! We've got twelve contestents, three judges, two viewers!
  • Hello, I'm Natasha Kaplinsky — half television presenter, half prize-winning cat!
  • Welcome back to another special edition with me, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, the secret love child of Alan Davies and Dougal from The Magic Roundabout…
  • Hello, I'm Sandi Toksvig: love child of Bilbo Baggins and an Ewok…", and, "Hello, I'm Sandi Toksvig, the original hobbit…
  • You're watching Newsnight Review with me, Mark Lawson, Britain's brainest potato…" and "You're watching Newsnight Review with me, Mark Lawson, I am the eggman, Martha Kearney is the walrus…
  • Hello, you're watching Newsnight Review so you've probably lost your remote control.
  • Hi, I'm George Lucas, Hollywood's most powerful Ewok.
  • Hi, I'm George Lucas, you know lots of people say to me: "George? Why do you keep going back and tampering with the old Star Wars movies we love and keep creating crappy new ones we hate?" You know what I say to them? "You're fired!".
  • I'm Kirstie Allsopp, half woman, half Care Bear…
  • I'm Kirsty Allsopp. I wasn't born, I was knitted
  • And I'm Phil Spencer, half man…
  • I'm Professor Robert Winston, the only Super Mario brother who didn't become a plumber" and "I'm Professor Robert Winston, a shrink-wrapped version of Tom Selleck.
  • Hello I'm Nicky Hambleton-Jones, the body of a Barbie doll, the soul of a Great White Shark!
  • Hello I'm Bill Oddie. Half man, Half compost heap.
  • Hello, I'm Bill Oddie, the missing link between man and shrub.
  • Hello, I'm Bill Oddie. I used to be big in the seventies, but then again - so was the three day week.
  • Hello, I'm Bill Oddie. Don't be frightened of my beard, it's just to make predators think I'm bigger than I really am.
  • Hello, I'm Gabby Logan, half woman, half jockstrap!
  • I'm Graham Norton, the last Kenneth Williams in the shop.
  • I am Anne Robinson: Judge Dredd in an Armani trouser suit and I will be obeyed!
  • Hello, I'm Stellios [Haji-Ioannou]. The beloved lovechild of Pavarotti and a shish kebab.
  • My name is William Hague, Conservative Party Leader. And I refuse to be referred to as the illegitimate spawn of Ann Widdecombe and Nicholas Parsons.
  • Hello, and welcome to Bargain Hunt, with me, David Dickinson, the love child of Peter Stringfellow and a mahogany hat stand.
  • I'm Jeremy Kyle, pimp my Kilroy...
  • I'm Jeremy Kyle, no you can't have your dinner money back!
  • Hi, I'm Nick Ross. If wallpaper could speak it would say, "Hi I'm Nick Ross".
  • Hello, I'm John Craven, just think of me as a decaffeinated Nick Ross.
  • Hello, I'm Gillian McKeith, Pol Pot in a lab coat
  • My name is Greg Dyke, and I am director-general of the BBC. Shut up, I am!

Dialogue[edit]

Den Watts: Alfie mate, I'm getting a premonition that I might be killed off in a few months.
Alfie Moon: But then doesn't that mean they'll be a space for another Walford bad boy?
Den Watts: Nah they already filled that...
David Blunkett: Yes that's right! I got sick of being the bad boy of Parliament so now I've moved onto somewhere I'll fit in more, Albert Square! I've already got Pauline Fowler pregnant and started a love triangle with myself, Pat Butcher and Wellard the dog.
Sharon Watts: Ah there you are Blunkett! Did you really think you were gonna mess with the Watts and get away with it!?
Den Watts: Sharon, wait, don't do it princess.
Alfie Moon: Why not? He must've really hurt her.
Sharon Watts: Hurt me? Nah, I wouldn't go near Blunkett with a stick!
Alfie Moon: But then if you didn't sleep with him, which Watts did?
Den Watts: (Beat) Me.

Fiona Bruce: Welcome to Crime Watch. If this were the Avengers, I'd be Emma Peel.
Nick Ross: Yes, and I'd be Steed's umbrella.

The Doctor: Is this B&Q?
B&Q Employee: Yes.
The Doctor: Ah, good, this is the Doctor. Tell me, do you sell sink plungers?
B&Q Employee: Yes.
The Doctor: Do you sell dustbins?
B&Q Employee: Yes.
The Doctor: Do you sell wooden dowels?
B&Q Employee: Yes.
The Doctor: And when Minis drive by, do they ever have little blinking orange lights?
B&Q Employee: Er...yes?
The Doctor: Ah, my friend, if you have dustbins, sink plungers, wooden dowels and Minis driving by with little blinking orange lights, you are in great danger! Your shop may well be the invasion corridor for the Dalek army! You must flee at once!

Pat Butcher: Well, that's it then, Roy. We know who did it. We know who shot Phil Mitchell. It was...
Brian Perkins: Me, Brian Perkins!

Jonathan Ross: The makers of the Harry Potter films are looking for a replacement for Richard Harris to play the wizardly headmaster Dumbledore. To save time they're only recalling actors who have experience with beards.
Harry Potter: Oh, wise and Kindly Dumbledore, you said you had something of great importance you wanted to say to me.
Rolf Harris: Yeah, g'day, Harry. It's your old mate Dumbledore here!
Director: Next!
Billy Connolly: Harry, don't defeat Lord Voldemort a little. Defeat him a lotto!
Director: Next!
Brian Blessed: HELLO! I'M BRIAN BLESSED!
Director: Next!
Brian Perkins: BBC Radio 4, I'm Albus Dumbledore. Or at least I am if they know what's good for them! Brian Perkins knows exactly how to gain access to the Chamber of Secrets. You just get Jenny Murray drunk at the Radio 4 Christmas Party!

Harry Potter: I need your advice, kindly old Dumbledore.
Gandalf: No. What you need, Potter, are new glasses. I'm not Dumbledore, I'm Gandalf. The wise old wizard that guides a youthful hero on a journey of discovery.
Harry: Yes, that's right, Dumbledore.
Gandalf: Frodo, tell him that I'm Gandalf.
Frodo: You're not Gandalf, Gandalf's here! [Points at Obi-Wan Kenobi ] The wise wizard that guides a young hero on a brave quest!
Obi-Wan: No, young acolyte, I'm not Gandalf. I'm the old master who schools a young hero in a mystic art.
Harry: Dumbledore!
Obi-Wan: I'm not bloody Dumbledore. I'm the one who sacrifices himself in the first part of the trilogy, then comes back from the dead to help the hero!
Gandalf: You've nicked that bit off me!
Frodo: Harry, Dumbledore doesn't appear in this film because the actor who plays him is dead, but he will return played by somebody else.
Obi-Wan: Like me, they've nicked that bit too!
Gandalf: Look, it's my movie that's breaking all box office records, not your piss poor effort!
[Obi-Wan and Gandalf fight. Darth Vader enters.]
Gandalf: Oh, that's all we need. (!) The evil villain who dabbles in the Dark Side of the mystic realm.
Frodo: Saruman!
Obi-Wan: No, that's [Vader] the villain who kills the father of the hero!
Harry: That's Lord Voldemort!
Vader: I'm not Voldemort! Anyway, that's just a story they tell the hero. The truth is I'm really his father.
Harry: You're my father?
Vader: I am. [Beat] Oh, bugger! That's really spoilt the ending of the fifth book, hasn't it?

Professor Snape: Ah, Harry Potter. I suppose you and your friends thought you could hide your identities from me under the cover of these mysterious clokes. Well as of today the headmaster has the right to ban these face-concealing veils so take 'em off.

(Harry and his friends, all dressed in Muslim veils shake their heads.)

Snape: (Rolling his eyes) Look, these things cause communication difficulties between staff and pupils. It's difficult enough with my ludicrous accent now take 'em off. You first Potter.

(Harry rises to his feet and tosses off the cloak, revealing that he is stark naked.)

Snape: (Rolling his eyes again) Oh God Potter, you're not in the West End anymore. Stop doing that with your wand it's against health and safety.

Announcer: Osama bin Laden's comedy tape is more controversial then Roy Chubby Brown; but less reactionary then Jim Davidson!
Osama: Are there any Americans in the audience
An audience member raises his arm
Osama: Kill him!

Noel Edmonds: Tony, how much do you love Jennifer?
Tony: Nyeh.
Noel Edmonds: Nyeh? We don't do "nyeh" on this show Tony. What's the matter?
Tony: I just don't think I care anymore, Noel. I have been in my hotel room for 86 weeks waiting to get on this show. I lost my job, my wife has run off with my best friend and my house has been repossessed. This, is just a silly game.
Noel Edmonds: They warned me this day would come. That there would be one. One like you! (pointing at Tony) Well let me tell you, Tony. We don't like your sort on Deal or No Deal. Do we, Deal or No Dealers?
Deal or No Dealers: No!
Noel Edmonds: So let us take our little happy sticks from underneath our podiums, and beat some Deal or No Deal happiness back into Tony!

(they start attacking Tony with bats)

Noel Edmonds: Now let's keep playing.
Contestant: Do I have to?
Noel Edmonds: (under his breath) It's spreading!
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