Dead Ringers

Dead Ringers (BBC Radio 4, 4 January 2000 – 20 October 2005; BBC Two, 18 November 2002 – 2007) was a UK radio and television comedy impressions show broadcast on BBC Radio 4 and BBC2. The programme was devised by Bill Dare and developed with Jon Holmes, Andy Hurst and Simon Blackwell. It stars Jon Culshaw, Jan Ravens, Phil Cornwell, Kevin Connelly and Mark Perry. The principal writers are Tom Jamieson and Nev Fountain. The other writers are John Finnemore, David Mitchell, Simon Blackwell, Richard Ward, Colin Birch, Carl Carter, Tony Cooke, Jon Culshaw and Jan Ravens.

Characters

George W. Bush

• My fellow animaniacs…
• My fellow Ugly Bettys...
• My fellow amoeboids…
• My fellow watermelons…
• My fellow pelicans…
• My fellow umbrellastands…
• My fellow sea-beavers…
• My fellow ostriches…
• My fellow Bulgarians…
• My fellow Abi Titmuses…
• My fellow Algorithms…
• My fellow Merkins…
• [Referring to the end of the Iraq War] I give my word to the Iraqi people that American construction firms have arrived on the ground and will commence reincarnation immediately…
• You must remember that Al-Qaeda therapists despise the American way of life, and everything you and I hold to be queer…
• Today the Iraqi people will be voting — whether they are Sonnies or Chers.
• The Iraqi people can look forward to a future free of intimidation and violins.
• Former President, Bill Clitoris…
• My fellow cabinet members, Donald Rumsfeld and Basmati Rice…
• Abu Musab al-Safari and the Iraqi detergents are vanished.
• Yassir Crackerjack and the Polyunsaturated people.
• [After a long speech] I hope I have made myself queer.
• As a result, the North Korean leader Kim Jong-il announcified that he would be resumerating their nucular program.
• Al-Kapowwow

Tony Blair

• People of Britain, starey eyes, sweaty palms, receding hairline, yesterday I announced…
• People of Britain, oh how I hate to be beside the seaside grimace, hate Gordon Brown hand gesture, looking over his shoulder underpants…
• People of Britain, this is your Prime Minister, twitchy face, embarrassing plum suit, today...
• People of Britain, this is your Supreme Overlord…
• People of Britain, who hate me…
• You miserable gits, this is your Prime Minister…
• People of Britain, this is your Emperor…
• Slack-jawed simpletons of Britain, this is your leader…
• ... But I am not Tony Blair. No, my real name is Enrique "The Condor" Martinez ...
• [regarding George W. Bush] As you can see, the lights are on but no one's in the trailer home.
• People of Britain, this is your I-can't-believe-it's-not-Gordon Prime Minister.
• [after just regenerating into the Tenth Doctor] New Labour. That's weird.

John Prescott

• The listeners understand, John, and Gordon Brown agrees with this and you've had your say, that in so far as this policy is implemented if I can get a word in edgeways and the whole Cabinet is behind this…
• I never said I was the Queen. This was twisted by the media back into the order in which I said it.
• Look, simply Blair has lost touch with the people! (Beat) Oh dear I almost made sense there!
• And that's the end of the whole affair. And by affair I don't mean affair so will you quiet down, Pauline!
• I used the funds for my large volume of important work (Beat) and my wife's volume of important hair
• It is with deep regret and double chin that I announce this.

Kirsty Wark

• He was a skater boy, she said see you later boy, he wasn't good enough for her. More on that story later.
• I swear you're just like a pill. Instead of making me better you're making me ill. More on that story later.
• I predict a riot, I predict a riot, I predict a riot, I predict a riot. More on that story later.
• I've got something to put in you, I've got something to put in you, at the gay bar, gay bar. More on that story later.
• You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot — happy Christmas, your arse, I pray God it's your last. More on that story later.
• I'm not trying to pull you, even though I would like to. I think you are really fit. You're fit but my gosh don't you know it. More on that story later.
• It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. More on that novel later.
• My heart's in overdrive and you're behind the steering wheel.. More on that story later.
• I want money, that's all I want, just give me money. More on Jeremy Paxman's new salary demands later, but first…
• My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps. More on that story later
• My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like: It's better than yours. Damn right. It's better than yours. More on that story later.
• Push me, and touch me, so I can get my satisfaction. More on that story later.
• They tried to make me go to rehab but I said no no no. More on that story later.
• I've had the same jeans on for four days now. More on that story later.
• And i would walk five hundred miles, and i would walk five hundred more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall at your door. More on that story later.
• Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money. More on that story later.
• Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. More on that story later.
• You're watching Newsnight... are you trying to impress someone? More on that story later.
• One love for the city streets, one love for the hip hop beats. One love is all we need. More on that story later.
• Even when I'm with my boo, all I think about is you. More on that story later.
• If there's a problem, yo I'll solve it, check out the hook while my DJ revolve it. More on that story later.

Fiona Bruce

• Hello and welcome to the Ten O'Clock News with me Fiona Bruce. It's not the news in my life, it's the life in my news.
• I'm Fiona Bruce, proud to be tested on animals.
• I'm Fiona Bruce, and I'm sat on the luckiest chair in Britain.
• I'm Fiona Bruce. Breaking news, breaking hearts.
• I'm Fiona Bruce. I'm the one who made the frog crazy.
• I'm Fiona Bruce. There's never a hosepipe ban when I'm around.
• I'm Fiona Bruce. Forget The Da Vinci Code, I'm the one who'll bring the Catholic Church to its knees.
• I'm Fiona Bruce. When the news is good, I'm good. When it's bad, I'm better.
• I'm Fiona Bruce. If you're looking for a source of alternative energy, you've come to the right place.
• I'm Fiona Bruce; the real reason Thierry Henry is staying in Britain.
• I'm Fiona Bruce; Michael Schumacher has been stripped of his pole position from the Monaco Grand Prix, after an incident during the qualifying lap, and I've just won £50 from my producer for saying stripped, pole and lap without moving my eyebrows.
• I'm Fiona Bruce; David Cameron's first choice of luxury item.
• I'm Fiona Bruce; Play your cards right, and you could be in for a Brucey bonus!
• I'm Fiona Bruce. I'll make Peter Crouch.
• I'm Fiona Bruce. Like Britney Spears, I'm completely shaved.
• I'm Fiona Bruce. Standing up, or behind the desk, it's all the same with me!
• I'm Fiona Bruce. With rear end suspension and airbags as standard.
• I'm Fiona Bruce. Now the regional news, all my regions are just as fantastic as the rest of me.
• I'm Fiona Bruce. Don't move! I like you in that position
• X-Men? They are when I've finished with them.
• I'm Fiona Bruce. Guess where I've got my Red Nose!
• I'm Fiona Bruce. I've kept slaves in the past but I'm not apologizing.
• I'm Fiona Bruce. Gordon Brown visits me privately as well.
• I'm Fiona Bruce. Have you been a good boy all year? Then it won't be me coming down your chimney at midnight; I only like bad boys!
• I'm Fiona Bruce; My knickers are made of mistletoe.
• David Blunkett has been fiercely criticized for telling David Dimbleby to piss-off during a live radio broadcast. David Dimbleby has been fiercely criticized for not pissing-off!
• Hello, I'm Fiona Bruce and welcome to the News at 10. You bloody love it, don't you?
• I'm Fiona Bruce. I'm off to play with Dom's little wood.
• I've ironed your script, so if you crease it the only reporting you'll be doing is in the Falklands, and that's not very nice! Rhrrrr!
• You're watching a NewsWatch election night special, and I've already had my ballot box well and truly stuffed!
• I'm Fiona Bruce. Don't touch what you can't afford.
• You're watching the Ten O'Clock News with me, Fiona Bruce, and like Britney, I'm also completely shaved.
• I'm Fiona Bruce. The real reason Prince William is delaying the wedding.

Charlotte Green

• BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green: Jordan for the Home Counties!
• BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green, and yes, from now on I'll be reading the news Calendar Girls-style.
• BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green, and yes, I am shaking my Tic-Tacs at you.
• BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green. Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to hear me?
• BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green. Too orangey for crows.
• BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green, the Home Counties' very own Pussycat Doll.

Brian Perkins

• I am the God of Hellfire and I bring you...Radio 4!
• I'm Brian Perkins. At my signal, unleash hell!
• BBC Radio 4. I'm Kaiser Soze!
• BBC Radio 4. I'm the Firestarter!
• They counted without one thing. Me, Stone Cold Brian Perkins!
• BBC Radio 4. I'm Lord Lucan!
• I'm Brian Perkins. Harder than a fiendish sudoku on Viagra.
• BBC Radio 4. I'm Brian Perkins. Come on, feel the noise.
• Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, I'm Brian Perkins, don't **** with me.
• BBC Radio 4. I'm Brian Perkins... the real Slim Shady.

John Humphries

• It's coming up to eighteen minutes past eight.
• It's coming up to seventeen minutes past twenty four.
• It's forty-two billion years since the dawn of time.
• It's time...James Noughty got me a cup of tea!
• The time is just an abstract construct and history is an illusion!
• The time is just coming up to...my ankles.
• The time is just coming up to a turn off at the A42 with a Duchy on the left hand side.
• (in a 750th anniversary of Today) Thou art listening to 'Today', and just checking Stonehenge I can see that the time is approximately...spring! (laughter) Past seven.

Noel Edmonds (Deal or No Deal)

• £250,000. 22 identical sealed boxes. A tiny, tiny beard. And no questions, except one. Where the hell do I buy my shirts?
• You're back. Thought you would be. Let's face it you're watching television at half past four in the afternoon. Not as though you're busy.
• Twenty-two unemployed people. A quarter of the budget of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, and no questions. No skill, and no idea why I get so worked up about the whole thing.
• Inside this box is either £35,000 or an enraged snake. Lucy, you've rejected every deal the banker has offered you, you've refused to swap boxes, you're tolerating me standing far, far too close to you. Lucy, keep smiling but above all, keep your face free of corrosive snake venom.

Jose Mourinho

• Today, Chel-sea has won / To win, that is my job / To lose, that is to die / The league, it will be mine / A god, you're lookin' at one / And now the end is near.
• And will you hand me back me amazin' COAT OF POW-WER!

Sven-Goran Eriksson

• Sweden, where I was designed and built
• Play "Dress up" with David Beckham, "Pin the Metatarsal" on the Rooney, and "Climb a swing" on Peter Crouch
• I am like a peaceful lake ... filled with concrete

Regarding the player wage cuts in 2005

• It is very bad news. They now no longer can afford basic necessities like champagne, Aston Martins, or topless maid service.
• Owen Hargreaves will be unable to afford his first-class ticket to the World Cup, so it might be more good than bad.
• They have gotten second jobs. Wayne Rooney has hired himself out as a gorilla-gram, Theo Walcott is doing his classmate's schoolwork, and Peter Crouch is a dancer for Craftsmart.
• They won't play well. And that's why I have 20 grand on Brazil. (does the Svenny dance)

Unsourced

• The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.

Tom Baker (The Fourth Doctor)

• You are Autons from the planet Tossoss!
• [Making a prank call to the British Embassy in Berlin] Ah, is this the British Embassy? (Yes.) Ah, good evening. I am calling to warn you of an imminent Dalek invasion. (I see, sir. Can I get your name and address?) The Doctor, 325 Gallifrey Centre! [Hangs up]
• I'm going to take a nap. Wake me up when I'm Peter Davison. Better yet, wake me up when I'm Sylvester McCoy.
• (When a voiceover in the London Eye advises people to move to get their photo taken) Don't do it. It's a trap!
• I travel in space and time ... and on trains
• You are Australian, do you know my companion Tegan Jovanka? She had marvelous norks. I once asked her if I gave her five bucks if she would rub them together.
• 1245, a wonderful year.
• This party's dryer than the dark side of the planet Aurelia. [spikes the eggnog and begins laughing sinisterly before sneaking away]
• Oh, another scarf, well that's just what I need.
• Do you have change for a Gallifrian zonk?
• You call yourself the train guard when in fact you are really THE MASTER.
• (comes out of toilet) Gaseous sulphides; low concentration; I'd give it twenty minutes.
• (when asked why he was travelling in a train) Because the TARDIS was destroyed when I took it to Kwikfit!
• When I was travelling, the girls wore big hats and polka-dotted skirts. He (Christopher Eccleston) gets to go around with Billie Piper, a good bit of skirt with a gob large enough to lose a submarine in. Not fair.
• Oh good, because France, Kasterborous is an absolute sh*thole!

Obi-Wan Kenobi

[Obi-Wan Kenobi to a used car salesman]

• We need passage to Aldershot.
• A fine cargo hold; plenty of room for me, my apprentice, two Druids, and no questions asked.
• A long time ago I had a Ford Galaxy, far far away.
• A metric speedometer. Metric; no Imperial entanglements!
• Could it outrun Imperial vessels?
• Could it resist a tractor beam?
• The color of my last car was a little on the dark side.
• I can give you 2,000 now and 15,000 when we get to Aldershot.
• [Kenobi to Darth Vader] You cannot win, Darth. If you strike me down, you will lose your No-Claims Bonus!
• [Vader to Kenobi, about their baguette duel] Your bakery products are weak, old man!

Maximus Decimus Meridius

• Father to a mudered son, husband to a murdered wife ... but that's when I call Claims Direct! [cheesy music starts, Maximus walks through a call centre] If you've been involved in a motor accident that wasn't your fault, had a trip or fall anywhere, or had your family brutally murdered by the Empire's legionaires, call now.
• Call MCMXXVI, that's MCMXXVI
• I once had the plans, but they were stolen by Proximo and Gracchus.
• Is your friend one of those who would plot a war against me?
• We can't use the rivers as they have been infested by the plague.
• We must bathe with the women slaves ... it will heighten the men's spirits before going into battle.
• Mick? I will call you Mickus
• [when asked whether 900 "portaloos" are needed for his soldiers] Well we can't have 20 soldiers to 1 shitter.
• We must protect ourselves ... from the Visigoths, and the Huns, and the Barbarian Horde.

Cross-breed gags

• Hello, welcome to Fame Academy. I'm Patrick Kealty - I'm Irish, I got spikey hair so in theory I should be as lovable and funny as Graham Norton. So much for theories! We've got twelve contestents, three judges, two viewers!
• Hello, I'm Natasha Kaplinsky — half television presenter, half prize-winning cat!
• Welcome back to another special edition with me, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, the secret love child of Alan Davies and Dougal from The Magic Roundabout…
• Hello, I'm Sandi Toksvig: love child of Bilbo Baggins and an Ewok…", and, "Hello, I'm Sandi Toksvig, the original hobbit…
• You're watching Newsnight Review with me, Mark Lawson, Britain's brainest potato…" and "You're watching Newsnight Review with me, Mark Lawson, I am the eggman, Martha Kearney is the walrus…
• Hello, you're watching Newsnight Review so you've probably lost your remote control.
• Hi, I'm George Lucas, Hollywood's most powerful Ewok.
• Hi, I'm George Lucas, you know lots of people say to me: "George? Why do you keep going back and tampering with the old Star Wars movies we love and keep creating crappy new ones we hate?" You know what I say to them? "You're fired!".
• I'm Kirstie Allsopp, half woman, half Care Bear…
• I'm Kirsty Allsopp. I wasn't born, I was knitted
• And I'm Phil Spencer, half man…
• I'm Professor Robert Winston, the only Super Mario brother who didn't become a plumber" and "I'm Professor Robert Winston, a shrink-wrapped version of Tom Selleck.
• Hello I'm Nicky Hambleton-Jones, the body of a Barbie doll, the soul of a Great White Shark!
• Hello I'm Bill Oddie. Half man, Half compost heap.
• Hello, I'm Bill Oddie, the missing link between man and shrub.
• Hello, I'm Bill Oddie. I used to be big in the seventies, but then again - so was the three day week.
• Hello, I'm Bill Oddie. Don't be frightened of my beard, it's just to make predators think I'm bigger than I really am.
• Hello, I'm Gabby Logan, half woman, half jockstrap!
• I'm Graham Norton, the last Kenneth Williams in the shop.
• I am Anne Robinson: Judge Dredd in an Armani trouser suit and I will be obeyed!
• Hello, I'm Stellios [Haji-Ioannou]. The beloved lovechild of Pavarotti and a shish kebab.
• My name is William Hague, Conservative Party Leader. And I refuse to be referred to as the illegitimate spawn of Ann Widdecombe and Nicholas Parsons.
• Hello, and welcome to Bargain Hunt, with me, David Dickinson, the love child of Peter Stringfellow and a mahogany hat stand.
• I'm Jeremy Kyle, pimp my Kilroy...
• I'm Jeremy Kyle, no you can't have your dinner money back!
• Hi, I'm Nick Ross. If wallpaper could speak it would say, "Hi I'm Nick Ross".
• Hello, I'm John Craven, just think of me as a decaffeinated Nick Ross.
• Hello, I'm Gillian McKeith, Pol Pot in a lab coat
• My name is Greg Dyke, and I am director-general of the BBC. Shut up, I am!

Dialogue

Den Watts: Alfie mate, I'm getting a premonition that I might be killed off in a few months.

Alfie Moon: But then doesn't that mean they'll be a space for another Walford bad boy?

Den Watts: Nah they already filled that...

David Blunkett: Yes that's right! I got sick of being the bad boy of Parliament so now I've moved onto somewhere I'll fit in more, Albert Square! I've already got Pauline Fowler pregnant and started a love triangle with myself, Pat Butcher and Wellard the dog.

Sharon Watts: Ah there you are Blunkett! Did you really think you were gonna mess with the Watts and get away with it!?

Den Watts: Sharon, wait, don't do it princess.

Alfie Moon: Why not? He must've really hurt her.

Sharon Watts: Hurt me? Nah, I wouldn't go near Blunkett with a stick!

Alfie Moon: But then if you didn't sleep with him, which Watts did?

Den Watts: (Beat) Me.

---

Fiona Bruce: Welcome to Crime Watch. If this were the Avengers, I'd be Emma Peel.

Nick Ross: Yes, and I'd be Steed's umbrella.

---

The Doctor: Is this B&Q?

B&Q Employee: Yes.

The Doctor: Ah, good, this is the Doctor. Tell me, do you sell sink plungers?

B&Q Employee: Yes.

The Doctor: Do you sell dustbins?

B&Q Employee: Yes.

The Doctor: Do you sell wooden dowels?

B&Q Employee: Yes.

The Doctor: And when Minis drive by, do they ever have little blinking orange lights?

B&Q Employee: Er...yes?

The Doctor: Ah, my friend, if you have dustbins, sink plungers, wooden dowels and Minis driving by with little blinking orange lights, you are in great danger! Your shop may well be the invasion corridor for the Dalek army! You must flee at once!

---

Pat Butcher: Well, that's it then, Roy. We know who did it. We know who shot Phil Mitchell. It was...

Brian Perkins: Me, Brian Perkins!

---

Jonathan Ross: The makers of the Harry Potter films are looking for a replacement for Richard Harris to play the wizardly headmaster Dumbledore. To save time they're only recalling actors who have experience with beards.

Harry Potter: Oh, wise and Kindly Dumbledore, you said you had something of great importance you wanted to say to me.

Rolf Harris: Yeah, g'day, Harry. It's your old mate Dumbledore here!

Director: Next!

Billy Connolly: Harry, don't defeat Lord Voldemort a little. Defeat him a lotto!

Director: Next!

Brian Blessed: HELLO! I'M BRIAN BLESSED!

Director: Next!

Brian Perkins: BBC Radio 4, I'm Albus Dumbledore. Or at least I am if they know what's good for them! Brian Perkins knows exactly how to gain access to the Chamber of Secrets. You just get Jenny Murray drunk at the Radio 4 Christmas Party!

---

Harry Potter: I need your advice, kindly old Dumbledore.

Gandalf: No. What you need, Potter, are new glasses. I'm not Dumbledore, I'm Gandalf. The wise old wizard that guides a youthful hero on a journey of discovery.

Harry: Yes, that's right, Dumbledore.

Gandalf: Frodo, tell him that I'm Gandalf.

Frodo: You're not Gandalf, Gandalf's here! [Points at Obi-Wan Kenobi ] The wise wizard that guides a young hero on a brave quest!

Obi-Wan: No, young acolyte, I'm not Gandalf. I'm the old master who schools a young hero in a mystic art.

Harry: Dumbledore!

Obi-Wan: I'm not bloody Dumbledore. I'm the one who sacrifices himself in the first part of the trilogy, then comes back from the dead to help the hero!

Gandalf: You've nicked that bit off me!

Frodo: Harry, Dumbledore doesn't appear in this film because the actor who plays him is dead, but he will return played by somebody else.

Obi-Wan: Like me, they've nicked that bit too!

Gandalf: Look, it's my movie that's breaking all box office records, not your piss poor effort!

[Obi-Wan and Gandalf fight. Darth Vader enters.]

Gandalf: Oh, that's all we need. (!) The evil villain who dabbles in the Dark Side of the mystic realm.

Frodo: Saruman!

Obi-Wan: No, that's [Vader] the villain who kills the father of the hero!

Harry: That's Lord Voldemort!

Vader: I'm not Voldemort! Anyway, that's just a story they tell the hero. The truth is I'm really his father.

Harry: You're my father?

Vader: I am. [Beat] Oh, bugger! That's really spoilt the ending of the fifth book, hasn't it?

---

Professor Snape: Ah, Harry Potter. I suppose you and your friends thought you could hide your identities from me under the cover of these mysterious clokes. Well as of today the headmaster has the right to ban these face-concealing veils so take 'em off.

(Harry and his friends, all dressed in Muslim veils shake their heads.)

Snape: (Rolling his eyes) Look, these things cause communication difficulties between staff and pupils. It's difficult enough with my ludicrous accent now take 'em off. You first Potter.

(Harry rises to his feet and tosses off the cloak, revealing that he is stark naked.)

Snape: (Rolling his eyes again) Oh God Potter, you're not in the West End anymore. Stop doing that with your wand it's against health and safety.

---

Announcer: Osama bin Laden's comedy tape is more controversial then Roy Chubby Brown; but less reactionary then Jim Davidson!

Osama: Are there any Americans in the audience

An audience member raises his arm

Osama: Kill him!

---

Noel Edmonds: Tony, how much do you love Jennifer?

Tony: Nyeh.

Noel Edmonds: Nyeh? We don't do "nyeh" on this show Tony. What's the matter?

Tony: I just don't think I care anymore, Noel. I have been in my hotel room for 86 weeks waiting to get on this show. I lost my job, my wife has run off with my best friend and my house has been repossessed. This, is just a silly game.

Noel Edmonds: They warned me this day would come. That there would be one. One like you! (pointing at Tony) Well let me tell you, Tony. We don't like your sort on Deal or No Deal. Do we, Deal or No Dealers?

Deal or No Dealers: No!

Noel Edmonds: So let us take our little happy sticks from underneath our podiums, and beat some Deal or No Deal happiness back into Tony!

(they start attacking Tony with bats)

Noel Edmonds: Now let's keep playing.

Contestant: Do I have to?

Noel Edmonds: (under his breath) It's spreading!

• Dead Ringers quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Dead Ringers at TV.com