Destroy All Humans 2

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Destroy All Humans !2 is a game created by Pandemic and the sequel to Destroy All Humans!.

Contents

[edit] Cryptosporidium

  • Well, thanks "Freak". I'm off to go find Coyote Bongwater... can't believe I just said that.
  • King Kong ain't got nothin' on me!
  • Cryptography? That's practically my middle name! Well, my only name.
  • Attention Blisk: I am Cryptosporidium of the Planet Furon. This planet is now a territory of the Furon Empire. And your asses belong to ME!
  • [sees Natalya] Whoa... I've had wet dreams that weren't this good
  • Prison island? You mean the KGB are holed up in Australia?
  • What happened, uh... this gas is noxious. Smells like Pox's underwear. Don't ask me how I know that.
  • My name is Luke... Crypto and I'm here to rescue you.
  • This will be the greatest thing in your life since you found out that boil on your butt was just a marshmallow.
  • The sensor cell connects to the focal plane; the focal plane connects to the plasma beam... I know you're waitin' for me to sing that damn song. Well, I ain't doin' it. I've got standards; they may not be high but I've got 'em. Also we couldn't get the rights.
  • Brings a freakin' tear to my eye.
  • Put this in your bong and smoke it!
  • I'm a freakin' supernova!
  • What! Park full of potheads and none of you ever had erectile dysfunction? [no response] Last time I open up to you people...
  • Yippee-ki-yay Mother Russia
  • [while battling Kojira Kaiju] DIE YOU OVERGROWN LIZARD-MONKEY!!!!
  • [while battling Kojira Kaiju] Oh sure! Giant lady-lizard grows a new femur anytime she destroys something! While Crypto has to go and drain vehicles like a sissy! Game designers....sheesh.
  • [while battling Kojira Kaiju] Old Kojira was hoppin' around Takoshima City like a big playground...gets stuck in my head every time... [reference to The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny song]

[edit] Orthopox

  • I shall continue my repairs on the saucer and then I shall... I don't know, order a virtual pizza or something. Brains,I hate this.
  • Crypto! You found all the Nexus Crystals! And I owe Gastro a fiver.
  • Crypto, If you can here me, meet me in the park. That humans tampering seems to have damaged some of your equipment. No, I'm not talking about your new package!
  • Oh sure point out that I'm dead again! It just gets funnier every 50th time you do it doesn't it?
  • Ah, Albion, the city that never sleeps and the locals never floss...
  • The saucer's sensor is picking up significant radiation levels all around you Crypto. Either Gastro's gout is acting up or there must be some fuel rods nearby.
  • That cinches it Crypto! You destroyed the Blisk Base. I've half a mind to put you up for a medal. But only half.
  • Never heard of... I'm Orthopox 13 man! The Orthopox 13! The conqueror of Zargon 5? The Hero of the battle of Tharsis Mons? The winner of the Xanthrax-47 cruelty award six years running? I'm the second most senior fleet commander in the entire Furon Navy! I was enslaving hyper-dimensional insectoids on the dunghills of Beedleblat while you were still in short pants! And you've never heard of me?
  • ...Yes I did, Crypto, but that won't help. Albion is full of tunnels, pipes, and excavations galore. It's like a moldy sponge, built atop noxious swiss cheese.
  • [during final battle; Milkenov has become an armoured Blisk] Brains! Milkenov must have a recharging unit somewhere on his body - but where?! DAMN YOU, BLISK ANATOMY 101!
  • Of course! Crypto, Milkenov's recharging unit IS his armour! Take out those plates and he'll become vulnerable! And also... naked. Brace yourself for the horror...

[edit] Ponsonby

  • Reginald Ponsonby Smythe, at your service and Her Majesty's. Although in her case, the service is secret.
  • And now for something... completely different.
  • For Majestic! For Silhouette!
  • Silhoutte was the only woman I'll ever love! Ah, well at least I've still got the men.

[edit] Natalya

  • Nice teeth, you want to keep them? Then go away.
  • Crypto is sweet... well he's not sweet but he's kind... Okay, he's not kind but he's cute... in a mutated rodent sort of way.
  • Sergei is the kind of guy you date, not the kind you marry. And Crypto's not even the type you date. Actually, Crypto's not even a man.
  • You think it is easy being a female super-spy? Try finding maxi pads in Minsk at two in the morning!
  • Looks like I got here just in time. Now come on spaceman, move your ass!
  • I have four knives concealed on my body and I'm lethal with all of them. Concentrate!
  • Crypto, I like you. but I will neuter you if I have to.
  • Alright spaceman, you line them up, I'll knock them down.
  • Crypto, I was the best shot in my class and I once fought my way out of an East German football riot wearing a West German jersey. I'm not a sidekick. No offense taken.

[edit] Others

  • Tunguska KGB : If i were an animal i would be rabbit... oh and with and AK 47.
  • Secret Agent: Quincy, Mortimer Quincy... Oh it still doesn't sound right.
  • White Ninja: Angelina J/You've not even been born yet/But I can't wait.
  • Gastro: Somebody need an ass whuppin'?
  • Gastro: Go-Go Gastro!
  • Bay City Urban Male: Wonder if my NUDIST MONTHLY came in the mail.
  • Bay City Urban Female: Burn my bra? And get all saggy as a result? No way!
  • Bay City Hippie: Man, what are you on, I want some!
  • Natalya: Nice teeth, you want to keep them? Then go away.
  • Black Ninja: Why think in haiku/ When I speak in normal prose?/ Better not to ask.
  • The Freak: I don't know his real name, but he calls himself, COYOTE BONGWATER!...which is pretty righteous.
  • Shama Llama: Hail Arkvoodle! Lord of the sacred crotch!
  • KGB Cosmonaut: Despite fact there is being no air, I am hearing something.
  • Tunguska Soldier: Beating on proletariat is good job, but hours are murder. HA HA! HA HA!
  • Japanese Male: Excuse me, may I kiss the sky!
  • Japanese Female: Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto...FOR NOTHING!
  • Albion Policeman: Stop! Or I'll say... "stop" again.
  • Albion Policeman: Move! Or I'll say... "move" again!
  • Albion Hippie: Little Green Americans! Little Green Americans!
  • Albion Square: An American! AIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
  • White Ninja Leader: We will defend you to the death o' Furon Lord, but first we must compose our death haikus.
  • Russian Mafia Thug: Why is Russian mafia needing to kill innocent people? Our government is doing a good enough job with that already.
  • The Freak: I wonder if there really is life on other planets. I wonder if aliens really do walk among us. I wonder if an alien is reading my mind RIGHT NOW!
  • African-American Hippie: My favorite Jackson? Gotta be Michael. He's just so normal!
  • Agent Soychorski: Curse you Furon! I am atheist, but on the off chance hell exists, I will haunt you from beyond!
  • Yamasuke Hirotaro:: Maybe I go to Hollywood, make martial arts movie about me and put black basketball star in it as bad guy. Nah! It would never work.
  • Russian Male Peasant: Supposedly, scientists are performing numerous nuclear experiments in town. I suppose it would explain why I am peeing green.
  • Russian Female Peasant: How come there are only two types of bras in Russia? Slovenly or femme fatale?
  • KGB Agent: Damn you Americans: You taunt me with your decadent fast foods. Your colas, you're delectable cheeseburgers. Your onion rings with the zesty dipping sauces...eh...DAMN YOU!!!!!
  • Arkvoodle: It has been written in the book of Divine Fabrications that, the Great God of the Sacred Crotch Arkvoodle cannot be made or unmade. Arkvoodle is, will, and forever shall be! And for once they got it right. Fire at my idol with your disintegrator ray! I'll show you. [Shoot idol] See? Told you. Nonetheless I shall unlock the landing zone. Thanks for playing.
  • Arkvoodle: Son of Arkvoodle, I have a, how should you say, deep inner blockage. It's really most vexing and it throbs! Thoust havest any means to get rid of this...deep...inner blockage? Doh, brains! Do I have to draw you a map?
  • The Freak: I am a fish...I am a fish...I AM A FISH!
  • Natalya:Crypto is sweet... well he's not sweet but he's kind... Okay, he's not kind but he's cute... in a mutated rodent sort of way.
  • Natalya: Sergei is the kind of guy you date, not the kind you marry. And Crypto's not even the type you date. Actually, Crypto's not even a man.
  • White Ninja: I am not teenaged, nor a mutant, nor a turtle. Loved the comic though.
  • Arkvoodle: All around thee my son lurk agents of destruction, dispatched on their fell mission by I know not whom. Could be Dodecalypse, that bastard's always screwing with me. Go forth and bring me one of these "KGB" agents, so I may look into it's heart and see the face of it's master! (When brought KGB agent) Phew! It's dark in that heart! Well, sooner or later the truth will let out. Landing zone activated!
  • Arkvoodle: My omnivorous hunger has been sated. Landing zone activated. It rhymes! I am a poet and I know it not!
  • Bay City Cop: Ah the people I protect and serve...how I hate them so.
  • Bay City Army: I just joined the army to get money to go to college. No one said anything about killing people!
  • Albion Urban: I've had sex twice. Once in Eton with my roommate and once with my wife on our honeymoon. Frankly I don't see what all the fuss is about.
  • Black Ninja: Who will save Ninja?!
  • Yakuza: Mama say! Mama san! Ma Yakuza!
  • Natalya: You think it is easy being a female superspy? Try finding maxi pads in Minsk at two in the morning!
  • KGB Cosmonaut: Stupid Americans! Getting bogged down in a no-win situation in Vietnam! Russians will never be stupid enough to do that! I wonder how Afghanistan is this time of year?
  • Takoshima Cop: You want bullet in ass!?
  • Takoshima Cop: [PK cop] Put cop down!
  • Black Ninja: Stop killing people! That my job.
  • Yakuza: What? Why you stare? It just because I'm black.
  • Takoshima Cop: What? Haven't you ever seen an Asian man pretend to be black before?
  • Russian Male Peasant: My mind says Lenin, but my body says Stalin. And shockingly, at heart I am being straight capitalist. Go figuring.
  • Takoshime General: [if Crypto causes enough destruction to get to yellow alert level] We need army! Do we still have one?
  • Takoshima General: [during the Kojira Kaiju battle; he will say this rarely when you hit red alert level] GOJIRA!!!! MONSTER!!!! AIIIIIEEEEYYAAAAA!!!!
  • Black Ninja: For great justice! [reference to the introduction scene in the game Zero Wing.]

[edit] Conversations

Pox: Crypto! The mothership has been destroyed, and I've been blown to smithereens! Luckily I was able to download a incredible copy of my perfect mind into this "Holopox" unit, just before the ship blew up!
Crypto: Wow, that IS lucky!
Milenkov: This new Crypto clone contains pure Furon DNA harvested from human brains by Orthopox 13, mastermind of the invasion. He also bears a mysterious new mutation referred to only as 'the package'.
Russian Agents: Oooh!
Crypto: You expect me to beg, human?
KGB Agent: No, little Furon. I expect you to die!
(He pulls out his gun. In response, Crypto pulls out his own.)
Crypto: Mine's bigger.
Natalya: I'm afraid ... Sergai has been infected.
Crypto: What?! Didn't you use protection?
Crypto: Okay hippies, hand over Coyote Bongwater, or I heat me up some hippie smores!
Prudence: WHOOOAA We got ourselves a nark over here! Hey Nark, why don't you go back to Nark central and nark around with all the other narks, YOU NARK!
Crypto: Ouch...that hurts.
Prudence: Just the kind of answer I expected...FROM A NARK!
Crypto: Ninjas again?! Hello, it's 1969! What are ninjas doing in 1969?!
Orthopox: Just go with it! Besides, who doesn't love ninjas?
KGB Cosmonaut: Secret Soviet Moonbase Solaris!
Crypto: Did ya' hear about the phone that worked on the moon, despite the fact there's no air?
KGB Cosmonaut: Shut upski!
Albion Policeman: Scotland Yard here. State your emergency.
Crypto: Is your fridge running?
Albion Policeman: So YOU'RE the bastard who shut off our electricity!
Takoshamise Police Woman: Moshi moshi! Takoshima Defense Force!
Crypto: How many Takoshamise does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Takoshamise Police Woman: Silly prank caller, we use neon!
Officer Johnson: Police headquarters, Officer Johnson!
Crypto: Yeah, I'm lookin' for Mr. Jass. First name is Hue.
Officer Johnson: Please call back when you have an original joke, sir.
Tunguska KGB Officer: KGB Headquarters. How may I directing your call?
Crypto: I'm looking for Shoodovodickshmearnov.
Tunguska KGB Officer: He is not being here, may I be taking message?
Crypto: I shoulda known, the drugs, the alcohol, the loose chicks, it all fits! It's obvious those hippies we're trying to lure me in so I could lose my guard! Nice try hippies, but I ain't just some low-life, I'M THE BEST! Don't worry, Pox, I'll wipe out those hippies for what they did to my guns! Oh, and you!
Orthopox: Don't worry, I highly doubt hippies had much to do with this.
Crypto: Oh...damn.
Crypto: [after accepting mission from KGB Agent] You got it Ivan, or Borris...it's one of those right?
KGB Agent: You are not being funny! Why must you be saying hurtful things? Go be killing Terry Squire, then be returning, and apologize!
Pox: The scriptures say Arkvoodle will return when enough people believe in his image.
Crypto: You mean like Tinkerbell?
Pox: Er... something like that.
Orthopox-13: Here we are, scene 1. I looked pretty good that day.
Crypto: You're a [bleep] hologram, you look like crap.
Orthopox-13: Crypto, watch your language you [bleep] [bleep]!
White Ninja Leader: In the beginning, great ninja sensei wear grey, and his students wear grey.
Crypto: Yeah I saw the movie, old master dies, his students split and eventually oppose each other like black opposes white, am I right or am I right?
White Ninja Leader: Wrong, the guy stop selling grey fabric. We wanted to be black, but those bastards put their order in first!
White Ninja Leader: Sensei, tell us what to do. Show us a sign. Should we sacrifice evil temptress demon?
Crypto: Now what's all this crap about an demon temptress?
White Ninja Leader: We caught her stealing food from the, er...
Crypto: You kidnapped a women from the supermarket?
White Ninja: No! No! Of course not...well, yes, definitely. But you do it all the time, what about Miss Rockwell in first game?
Crypto: That's different!
Natalya Ivanova: What are the codes?
Crypto: Eye... Love... Ewe.
Natalya Ivanova: Not now Crypto, we have work to do. Tell me the secret codes.
Crypto: Those are the codes. Also, who's on first, what's on second and I don't know's on third.
Astronaut Carl Armstrong: That's one small step for man, but one giant leap for mankind.
Astronaut Biff Aldrin: ...that's it? 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind? Seven months, and that's the best you can come up with?
Astronaut Carl Armstrong: You don't like it?
Astronaut Biff Aldrin: It sounds CRAP! It's like something I read off of the back of a cereal box!
Astronaut Carl Armstrong: I thought it sounded profound.
Astronaut Biff Aldrin: PROFOUND?!? You wouldn't know profound if it came up and hit in the head with a Camus novel! You even think Merv Green's a deep thinker!
Astronaut Carl Armstrong: Listen, mister. I've had enough of your lip!
Astronaut Biff Aldring: Oh, yeah? What're you going to do about it?
Astronaut Carl Armstrong: I'm going to pull the plug on this mission right now! Sorry, Houston, but I just can't work with this stuck-up jackass. I'm heading back to the shuttle.
Crypto: Maybe you haven't noticed, but your base looks like Keith Moon redecorated. You've lost.
Milenkov: Such arrogance. Such overconfidence. You are starting to sound like real American. Soon you'll be wearing cowboy hat and talking in monosyllables!
Crypto: Says you.
Orthopox-13: I'm picking up a signal in the sea to the south-west.
Crypto: What kind of signal?
Orthopox-13: A radiation signal in gamma waves, transmitting directly from the creatures's tortured brain.
Crypto: Tortured?
Orthopox-13: Yes. It's almost as if it's saying "Kill me, kill me!"
Crypto: That's the most pathetic thing I ever heard. So you want me to hunt down this monstrosity and put it out of it's misery?
Orthopox-13: Actually, I want you to scan it's mind and find the source of it's congnitive distress, so we can get it some help, and over time teach it confidence and self-esteem.
Crypto: You gotta be kidding me.
Orthopox-13: OF COURSE I AM, YOU MUTATION! NOW GO AND KILL THAT THING!
Crypto: Alright alright, but how do I find it?
Orthopox-13: Uh... do I have I have to draw you a map?! You go to the spot marked on your radar and look for bubbles on the water. That's a sure sign that there's a MONSTER down there!
Crypto: Hey Pox, you ever noticed all those crates lying around... just ordinary crates... I mean if they were being used for anything I'd understand but... So Many Crates...
Orthopox-13: I think they got the hint Crypto.
Cosmonaut 1: [during Crypto's speech] Why are we not being allowed in area just north of here?
Cosmonaut 2: Da, what are you having to hide?
Crypto: Why? Cuz that's where the Blisk are and they don't want you finding out that they're a bunch of lobsters from outer space.
Cosmonaut 2: Lobsters from space? What kind of dumbkofs are you taking us for?
Crypto: The kind that let lobsters from outer space take over their entire country!
Cosmonaut 1: That's stupid! What evidence are you having to mistrust Bliskeviks?
Crypto: Evidence? They're controlling your mind!
Cosmonaut 1: Tsssk... I am thinking Comrade Cosmonaut Leonid is drinking too much Revelade.
Crypto: They're giant freaking lobsters! From outer freaking space!
Cosmonaut 2: Tssk... we are seeing the long term psychological effects of space travel. Poor Leonid.
Crypto: ...they're taking away your vodka!
Cosmonaut 1 and Cosmonaut 2: [Gasp!]
Crypto: I bet I could tell you that I'm an alien from the Planet Furon, here to harvest your brain stems, and you wouldn't even care...
British Hippie: COOL! Do it! At least that will take care of my head-ache!
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Now tell me all the good things you remember about your mother.
Crypto: You mean, you're not my mother? Or are you?
Crypto: So, you me, jacuzzi, chocolate syrup... what do you say?
Natalya Ivanova: I'm allergic to chocolate.
Crypto: No kidding... that's gotta suck.
Natalya Ivanova: Eh, soviet chocolate tastes like mud anyway. And I have to fit into this outfit.
Crypto: And on behalf of oversexed aliens everywhere let me just say thank you.
Coyote Bongwater: [when he first sees Crypto] Aaah! Goddamn flashbacks!
Crypto: Guess again sunshine. Nice setup you got here. Guns, drugs, bra-burning hippie chicks... A man after my own heart, if I had one.
Crypto: For God's sake Pox, the name of the game is Destroy All Humans, not 'play some record and keep the kids off drugs.'
Pox: Do you think you might be able to, maybe, for the next thirty seconds... Concentrate!
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: We know you have it! Tell us where it is or it's the Ludwig treatment for you. Eyelids peeled back, excruciating torture, endless hours of Ludwig Van!
Crypto: Oh God! Not Beethoven! ANYTHING BUT BEETHOVEN!
Crypto: Hey, Nat, if i said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Natalya Ivanova: Crypto, I like you. but I will neuter you if I have to.
Crypto: Fair enough.
Dr. Orlov: Excellent hand-eye coordination. You should try new game I am developing on computer in spare time.
Crypto: Games? On a computer? You're wasting your time doc.
Crypto: [disguised as a hippie] So I kill the Sergeant but avoid the crates... hey wait a minute... ain't I a pacifist?
KGB Agent: Once you are returning all the crates, we will be paying you the agreed upon fee.
Crypto: Ah, the sweet smell of political ideals being compromised.
Orthopox-13: And why don't you... torture some hippies?
Crypto: For information?
Orthopox-13: No, for prosperity. Of course for information you dolt! Now get out there and cause some trouble!
Crypto: Hey Poxy, what's it like being one of the floating dead?
Orthopox-13: It's quite peaceful actually. No distractions, certainly no violence or destruction. Frankly it's boring the phlegm off me. AHHHHHH! I WANT A NEW CLONE BODY!
Crypto: I almost feel sorry for the poor guy. Almost.
Crypto: I think I hear Arkvoodle calling for a sacrifice right now.
Shama Llama: I don't hear anything and I am listening with my third ear.
Crypto: What's that Arkvoodle, you want a monkey burger? One monkey burger coming right up.
Shama Llama: Oh that calling. I hear that quite clearly.
Crypto: Pox, we got a problem. Bongwater must be drinking his own revelade, because the Freak says he's planning to fumigate Bay City with giant blimps.
Orthopox-13: Great galaxies! That's so moronic it might just actually work!
Orthopox-13:Crypto, what if it's true? What if you are...The One?
Crypto: Well, I did take a red pill this morning.
Albion Police Officer: Scottland Yard here, state your emergency.
Crypto: When do you...get off?
Albion Police Officer: 5 o' clock on the dot everyday. And that's when I finish work too.
KGB Cosmonaut: Secret Soviet Moonbase Solaris!
Crypto: COME HERE QUICK! THERE'S SOME AMERICAN WHACKO PLAYING GOLF ON THE MOON!
KGB Cosmonaut: Da. Be pulling other one.
Officer Johnson: Police Headquarters, Officer Johnson.
Crypto: Do you deliver?
Officer Johnson: Yes, but there's a $2 surplus charge- wait...what?
Takoshamise Police Officer: Moshi Moshi! Takoshima Defense Force!
Crypto: We got him.
Takoshamise Police Officer: Super happy fun defense!
Crypto: Hey Pox, it just occurred to me. Who's running the country while I've been away? hasn't anyone noticed the President Missing?
Pox: Well, you never did spend much time at the oval office anyway, so I installed a limited mechanism to keep the humans alive while you were away.
Crypto: what kind of mechanism?
Pox oh just a limited functional machine. It smiles, waves, occasionally spouts inspiring patriotic speeches about world peace and other such nonsense.
Crypto: Heh, guess the Monkeys wouldn't know the difference
Pox Actually, your Approval Rating has tripled since I made the switch.
Crypto: Okay, run me through this again.
The Freak: Through what?
Crypto: About the blimps.
The Freak: What blimps?
Crypto: Coyote Bongwater's blimps! He's gonna use them to gas Bay City with Revelade!
The Freak: COYOTE BONGWATER'S GONNA GAS THE CITY WITH BLIMPS FULL OF REVELADE?!?!?
Crypto: Yes! You just said all of this!
The Freak: Said what?
Crypto: What do you mean "said what"? You just told me that... [sighs] See kids? This is why you shouldn't do drugs.

[during the Kojira Kaiju battle]

Orthopox: Crypto, let that creature have it with everything you got!
Crypto: Arkvoodle-dammit! What's the deal here Pox? The more stuff that thing knocks down, the more it regenerates!
Orthopox: Well it HAS to have a weak spot somewhere! Find it and hit it hard! You don't want to lose the big one in front of your little ninja groupies, do you?
Crypto: I don't give a damn about my little ninja groupies! I'M WORRIED ABOUT GETTING MY ASS STOMPED!

[edit] External links

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