Destroy All Humans 2

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Destroy All Humans! 2 is a game created by Pandemic and the sequel to Destroy All Humans!.

Cryptosporidium[edit]

  • Well, thanks "Freak". I'm off to go find Coyote Bongwater... can't believe I just said that.
  • Cryptography? That's practically my middle name! Well, my only name.
  • Attention Blisk: I am Cryptosporidium of the Planet Furon. This planet is now a territory of the Furon Empire. And your asses belong to ME!
  • [sees Natalya] Whoa... I've had wet dreams that weren't this good!
  • Prison island? You mean the KGB are holed up in Australia?
  • What happened, uh... this gas is noxious. Smells like Pox's underwear. Don't ask me how I know that.
  • My name is Luke... Crypto and I'm here to rescue you.
  • This will be the greatest thing in your life since you found out that boil on your butt was just a marshmallow.
  • The sensor cell connects to the focal plane; the focal plane connects to the plasma beam... I know you're waitin' for me to sing that damn song. Well, I ain't doin' it. I've got standards; they may not be high but I've got 'em. Also we couldn't get the rights.
  • Brings a freakin' tear to my eye.
  • Put this in your bong and smoke it!
  • I'm a freakin' supernova!
  • What! Park full of potheads and none of you ever had erectile dysfunction? [no response] Last time I open up to you people...
  • Yippee-ki-yay, Mother Russia.
  • [while battling Kojira Kaiju] DIE, YOU OVERGROWN LIZARD-MONKEY!!!!
  • [while battling Kojira Kaiju] Oh sure! Giant lady-lizard grows a new femur anytime she destroys something! While Crypto has to go and drain vehicles like a sissy! Game designers....sheesh.
  • [while battling Kojira Kaiju] Old Kojira was hoppin' around Takoshima City like a big playground...gets stuck in my head every time... [reference to The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny song]
  • Ponsonby was right about one thing: everybody cracks.

Orthopox[edit]

  • I shall continue my repairs on the saucer and then I shall... I don't know, order a virtual pizza or something. Brains,I hate this.
  • Crypto! You found all the Nexus Crystals! And I owe Gastro a fiver.
  • Crypto, If you can here me, meet me in the park. That humans tampering seems to have damaged some of your equipment. No, I'm not talking about your new package!
  • Oh sure point out that I'm dead again! It just gets funnier every 50th time you do it doesn't it?
  • Ah, Albion, where the sun never sets and the natives never floss...
  • The saucer's sensor is picking up significant radiation levels all around you Crypto. Either Gastro's gout is acting up or there must be some fuel rods nearby.
  • That cinches it, Crypto! You've destroyed the Blisk Base! I've half a mind to put you up for a medal - but only half.
  • Never heard of... I'm Orthopox 13 man! The Orthopox 13! The conqueror of Zargon 5? The Hero of the battle of Tharsis Mons? The winner of the Xanthrax-47 cruelty award six years running? I'm the second most senior fleet commander in the entire Furon Navy! I was enslaving hyper-dimensional insectoids on the dunghills of Beedleblat while you were still in short pants! And you've never heard of me?
  • ...Yes I did, Crypto, but that won't help. Albion is full of tunnels, pipes, and excavations galore. It's like a moldy sponge, built atop noxious Swiss cheese.
  • You'd better destroy those blimps quickly, Crypto, or our Bay City brain farm will turn into a den of unmotivated degenerates sitting in front of their TV screens, twiddling their thumbs... Ahem!!
  • [during final battle; Milenkov has become an armoured Blisk] Brains! Milenkov must have a recharging unit somewhere on his body - but where?! DAMN YOU, BLISK ANATOMY 101!
  • Of course! Crypto, Milenkov's recharging unit IS his armour! Take out those plates and he'll become vulnerable! And also... naked. Brace yourself for the horror...

Ponsonby[edit]

  • Reginald Ponsonby Smythe, at your service and Her Majesty's. Although in her case, the service is secret.
  • For Majestic! For Silhouette!
  • Silhoutte was the only woman I'll ever love! Ah, well at least I've still got the men.
  • [after drugging Crypto] Lower life-forms, when will they ever learn?

Natalya[edit]

  • Nice teeth, you want to keep them? Then go away.
  • Crypto is sweet... well he's not sweet but he's kind... Okay, he's not kind but he's cute... in a mutated rodent sort of way.
  • Sergei is the kind of guy you date, not the kind you marry. And Crypto's not even the type you date. Actually, Crypto's not even a man.
  • You think it is easy being a female super-spy? Try finding maxi pads in Minsk at two in the morning!
  • Looks like I got here just in time. Now come on spaceman, move your ass!
  • I have four knives concealed on my body and I'm lethal with all of them. Concentrate!
  • Crypto, I like you. but I will neuter you if I have to.
  • Alright spaceman, you line them up, I'll knock them down.
  • Crypto, I was the best shot in my class and I once fought my way out of an East German football riot wearing a West German jersey. I'm not a sidekick. No offense taken.

Others[edit]

  • Tunguska KGB: If i were an animal i would be rabbit... oh and with an AK 47.
  • Tunguska KGB: Well, it's better than Aeroflot.
  • Secret Agent: Quincy, Mortimer Quincy... Oh it still doesn't sound right.
  • White Ninja: Angelina J/You've not even been born yet/But I can't wait.
  • Gastro: Somebody need an ass whuppin'?
  • Gastro: Go-Go Gastro!
  • Bay City Urban Male: Wonder if my NUDIST MONTHLY came in the mail...
  • Bay City Urban Female: Burn my bra? And get all saggy as a result? No way!
  • Bay City Hippie: Man, what are you on, I want some!
  • Black Ninja: Why think in haiku/ When I speak in normal prose?/ Better not to ask.
  • The Freak: I don't know his real name, but he calls himself, COYOTE BONGWATER!...which is pretty righteous.
  • Shama Llama: Hail Arkvoodle! Lord of the sacred crotch!
  • KGB Cosmonaut: Despite fact there is being no air, I am hearing something.
  • Tunguska Soldier: Beating on proletariat is good job, but hours are murder. HA HA! HA HA!
  • Albion Policeman: Stop! Or I'll say... "stop" again.
  • Albion Policeman: Move! Or I'll say... "move" again!
  • Albion Hippie: Little Green Americans! Little Green Americans!
  • Albion Square: An American! AIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
  • White Ninja Leader: We will defend you to the death o' Furon Lord, but first we must compose our death haikus.
  • Russian Mafia Thug: Why is Russian mafia needing to kill innocent people? Our government is doing a good enough job with that already.
  • The Freak: I wonder if there really is life on other planets. I wonder if aliens really do walk among us. I wonder if an alien is reading my mind RIGHT NOW!
  • African-American Hippie: My favorite Jackson? Gotta be Michael. He's just so normal!
  • Agent Soychorski: Curse you Furon! I am atheist, but on the off chance hell exists, I will haunt you from beyond!
  • Yamasuke Hirotaro:: Maybe I go to Hollywood, make martial arts movie about me and put black basketball star in it as bad guy. Nah! It would never work.
  • Russian Male Peasant: Supposedly, scientists are performing numerous nuclear experiments in town. I suppose it would explain why I am peeing green.
  • Russian Female Peasant: How come there are only two types of bras in Russia? Slovenly or femme fatale?
  • KGB Agent: Damn you Americans: You taunt me with your decadent fast foods. Your colas, you're delectable cheeseburgers. Your onion rings with the zesty dipping sauces...eh...DAMN YOU!!!!!
  • Arkvoodle: It has been written in the book of Divine Fabrications that, the Great God of the Sacred Crotch Arkvoodle cannot be made or unmade. Arkvoodle is, will, and forever shall be! And for once they got it right. Fire at my idol with your disintegrator ray! I'll show you. [after idol is shot] See? Told you. Nonetheless I shall unlock the landing zone. Thanks for playing.
  • Arkvoodle: Son of Arkvoodle, I have a, how should you say, deep inner blockage. It's really most vexing and it throbs! Thoust havest any means to get rid of this...deep...inner blockage? Doh, brains! Do I have to draw you a map?
  • The Freak: I am a fish...I am a fish...I AM A FISH!
  • White Ninja: I am not teenaged, nor a mutant, nor a turtle. Loved the comic though.
  • Arkvoodle: All around thee my son lurk agents of destruction, dispatched on their fell mission by I know not whom. Could be Dodecalypse, that bastard's always screwing with me. Go forth and bring me one of these "KGB" agents, so I may look into it's heart and see the face of it's master! (When brought KGB agent) Phew! It's dark in that heart! Well, sooner or later the truth will let out. Landing zone activated!
  • Arkvoodle: My omnivorous hunger has been sated. Landing zone activated. It rhymes! I am a poet and I know it not!
  • Bay City Cop: Ah the people I protect and serve...how I hate them so.
  • Bay City Army: I just joined the army to get money to go to college. No one said anything about killing people!
  • Albion Urban: I've had sex twice. Once in Eton with my roommate and once with my wife on our honeymoon. Frankly I don't see what all the fuss is about.
  • Black Ninja: Who will save Ninja?!
  • Yakuza: Mama say! Mama san! Ma Yakuza! (reference to Soul Makossa)
  • KGB Cosmonaut: Stupid Americans! Getting bogged down in a no-win situation in Vietnam! Russians will never be stupid enough to do that! I wonder how Afghanistan is this time of year?
  • Takoshima Cop: You want bullet in ass!?
  • Takoshima Cop: [PK cop] Put cop down!
  • Black Ninja: Stop killing people! That my job.
  • Yakuza: What? Why you stare? It just because I'm black.
  • Takoshima Cop: What? Haven't you ever seen an Asian man pretend to be black before?
  • Russian Male Peasant: Mind says Lenin, but body says Stalin. And shockingly, at heart I am being straight capitalist. Go figuring.
  • Takoshime General: [if Crypto causes enough destruction to get to yellow alert level] We need army! Do we still have one?
  • Takoshima General: [during the Kojira Kaiju battle; he will say this rarely when you hit red alert level] GOJIRA!!!! MONSTER!!!! AIIIIIEEEEYYAAAAA!!!!
  • Black Ninja: For great justice! (reference to the introduction scene in the game Zero Wing).
  • Albion Female Hippie: Me mind says John; me body says Paul; me soul says George. So why do I always end up going home with Ringo?
  • Albion Male Urban: My mind says David Frost, but my body says Benny Hill.
  • Arkvoodle: Arkvoodle requires slaves! Female slaves! Preferably buxom and scantily clad! By the sacred genitalia, heed the word of Arkvoodle!
  • Leonid: Oh God, how am I going to face them all?! They're fed up with this place - and I can't blame them! We sold our principles to a race of... of GIANT SPACE CRABS FROM MARS! It's the oldest cliché in the book!!! Oh, I am not fit to be a Soviet hero...
  • Leonid: Pull yourself together, Leonid! Khrushchev always said, "The proletariat are like dogs; they can smell fear! Even in a vacuum, nyet?"
  • Japanese Male: Should I join White Ninja? Or Black Ninja? On one hand, White Ninja are in glorious harmony with universe. On other hand, Black Ninja get to live on island north of Takoshima City. White Ninja get spiritual fulfillment. Black Ninja get paid. Black Ninja.
  • Secret Agent: Is the world ready for a gay superspy? I didn't think so. Back in the closet, Double-Oh-Pooftah!

Conversations[edit]

Oranchov: Premier comrade Milenkov, comrade agents, thank you for coming. Here's what we know so far. [a slide show displaying the first game's events and its aftermath is shown] Ten years ago, the United States government covered up an invasion by an alien race known as Furons. Their primary agent was this Furon: Cryptosporidium-137, dangerous, unpredictable and now deceased.
Milenkov: So, what is being problem?
Oranchov: The problem, comrade, is that Furons can clone themselves and pose convincingly as humans, and they've used these abilities to put Cryptosporidium-138 into the White House!
KGB Agent: [gasps] The American people are not noticing? [all laugh]
Oranchov: Da, right. Pull the other one. Even worse, this new Crypto clone contains pure Furon DNA harvested from human brains by Orthopox-13, mastermind of the invasion. He also bears a mysterious new mutation referred to only as 'the package'.
Milenkov, KGB Agent: Oooh!
Oranchov: These aliens pose a dire threat to the Soviet Union, comrades, and so they must be destroyed! As we speak, President Crypto is in Bay City, attending a youth cultural fest, and Orthopox conducting experiments in the Furon mothership.

Pox: Crypto! The mothership has been destroyed, and I've been blown to smithereens! Luckily I was able to download a incredible copy of my perfect mind into this "Holopox" unit, just before the ship blew up!
Crypto: Wow, that IS lucky!

Crypto: You expect me to beg, human?
KGB Agent: No, little Furon. I expect you to die!
(He pulls out his gun. In response, Crypto pulls out his own.)
Crypto: Mine's bigger!

Natalya: Crypto! Thank Lenin you're here! The worst has come to pass! Sergei is infected!
Crypto: Aw, for cryin' out... Tell me you used protection! Or don't they teach sex-ed in the Young Pioneers?!
Natalya: Kakaya zadnitza! I'm not talking about STDs! He's has been infected with alien spores!

Crypto: Okay hippies, hand over Coyote Bongwater, or I heat me up some hippie smores!
Prudence: WHOOOAA, we got ourselves a narc over here! Hey Narc, why don't you go back to Narc central and nark around with all the other narcs, YOU NARC!
Crypto: Ouch...that hurts.
Prudence: Just the kind of answer I expected...FROM A NARC!

Crypto: Ninjas again?! Hello, it's 1969! What are ninjas doing in 1969?!
Orthopox: Just go with it! Besides, who doesn't love ninjas?

KGB Cosmonaut: Secret Soviet Moonbase Solaris!
Crypto: Did ya' hear about the phone that worked on the moon, despite the fact there's no air?
KGB Cosmonaut: Shut upski!

Albion Policeman: Scotland Yard here. State your emergency.
Crypto: Is your fridge running?
Albion Policeman: So YOU'RE the bastard who shut off our electricity!

Takoshamise Police Woman: Moshi moshi! Takoshima Defense Force!
Crypto: How many Takoshamise does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Takoshamise Police Woman: Silly prank caller, we use neon!

Officer Johnson: Police headquarters, Officer Johnson!
Crypto: Yeah, I'm lookin' for Mr. Jass. First name Hugh.
Officer Johnson: Please call back when you have an original joke, sir.

Tunguska KGB Officer: KGB Headquarters. How may I directing your call?
Crypto: I'm looking for Shoodovodickshmearnov.
Tunguska KGB Officer: He is not being here, may I be taking message?

Crypto: I shoulda known, the drugs, the alcohol, the loose chicks, it all fits! It's obvious those hippies we're trying to lure me in so I could lose my guard! Nice try hippies, but I ain't just some low-life, I'M THE BEST! Don't worry, Pox, I'll wipe out those hippies for what they did to my guns! Oh, and you!
Orthopox: Don't worry, I highly doubt hippies had much to do with this.
Crypto: Oh...damn.

Crypto: [after accepting mission from KGB Agent] You got it Ivan, or Boris...it's one of those right?
KGB Agent: You are not being funny! Why must you be saying hurtful things? Go be killing Terry Squire, then be returning, and apologize!

Pox: The scriptures say Arkvoodle will return when enough people believe in his image.
Crypto: You mean like Tinkerbell?
Pox: Er... something like that.

Orthopox-13: Here we are, scene 1. I looked pretty good that day.
Crypto: You're a [bleep] hologram, you look like crap.
Orthopox-13: Crypto, watch your language you [bleep] [bleep]!

White Ninja Leader: In the beginning, great ninja sensei wear grey, and his students wear grey.
Crypto: Yeah I saw the movie, old master dies, his students split and eventually oppose each other like black opposes white, am I right or am I right?
White Ninja Leader: Wrong, the guy stop selling grey fabric. We wanted to be black, but those bastards put their order in first!

White Ninja Leader: Sensei, tell us what to do. Show us a sign. Should we sacrifice evil temptress demon?
Crypto: Now what's all this crap about an demon temptress?
White Ninja Leader: We caught her stealing food from the, er...
Crypto: You kidnapped a women from the supermarket?
White Ninja: No! No! Of course not...well, yes, definitely. But you do it all the time, what about Miss Rockwell in first game?
Crypto: That's different!

Natalya Ivanova: What are the codes?
Crypto: Eye... Love... Ewe.
Natalya Ivanova: Not now Crypto, we have work to do. Tell me the secret codes.
Crypto: Those are the codes. Also, who's on first, what's on second and I don't know's on third.

Astronaut Carl Armstrong: That's one small step for man, but one giant leap for mankind.
Astronaut Biff Aldrin: ...That's it? "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind"? Seven months, and that's the best you can come up with?
Astronaut Carl Armstrong: You don't like it?
Astronaut Biff Aldrin: It sounds CRAP! It's like something I read off of the back of a cereal box!
Astronaut Carl Armstrong: I thought it sounded profound.
Astronaut Biff Aldrin: PROFOUND?!? You wouldn't know profound if it came up and hit you in the head with a Camus novel! You even think Merv Green's a deep thinker!
Astronaut Carl Armstrong: Listen, mister. I've had enough of your lip!
Astronaut Biff Aldring: Oh, yeah?! What're you going to do about it?!
Astronaut Carl Armstrong: I'm going to pull the plug on this mission right now! Sorry, Houston, but I just can't work with this stuck-up jackass. I'm heading back to the shuttle.

Orthopox-13: I'm picking up a signal in the sea to the south-west.
Crypto: What kind of signal?
Orthopox-13: A radiation signal in gamma waves, transmitting directly from the creatures's tortured brain.
Crypto: Tortured?
Orthopox-13: Yes. It's almost as if it's saying "Kill me, kill me!"
Crypto: That's the most pathetic thing I ever heard. So you want me to hunt down this monstrosity and put it out of it's misery?
Orthopox-13: Actually, I want you to scan it's mind and find the source of it's congnitive distress, so we can get it some help, and over time teach it confidence and self-esteem.
Crypto: You gotta be kidding me.
Orthopox-13: OF COURSE I AM, YOU MUTATION! NOW GO AND KILL THAT THING!
Crypto: All right, all right! But how do I find it?
Orthopox-13: Uh... do I have to draw you a map?! You go to the spot marked on your radar and look for bubbles on the water. That's a sure sign that there's a MONSTER down there!

Crypto: Hey Pox, you ever noticed all those crates lying around... just ordinary crates... I mean if they were being used for anything I'd understand but... So Many Crates...
Orthopox-13: I think they got the hint Crypto.

Crypto: Hey Pox, you got a cushy job here. I do all the work, and you sit around eating bon-bons.
Orthopox-13: In case you hadn't noticed, Cryptosporidium... I have NO BODY!
Crypto: And "no body" cares about you! [laughs] Get it, Poxy?
Orthopox-13: I LOATHE YOU.

[During Crypto's speech while disguised as Leonid on Moonbase Solaris]
Cosmonaut 1: But Leonid, why we have to leaving beloved country and coming to this hellhole?
Cosmonaut 2: Da! Is being worse than Verkhoyansk in February!
Crypto: [disguised as Leonid] That's what I'm sayin'! No air, no chicks - THIS PLACE SUCKS! And it's all the Blisk's fault!

[During Crypto's speech while disguised as Leonid]
Cosmonaut 1: Why are we not being allowed in area north of here?
Cosmonaut 2: Da, what are you having to hide?
Crypto: Because Milenkov thinks you're too drunk and stupid to go over there without getting lost, that's why!
Cosmonaut 2: Drunk? Okay. But STUPID?! Why, that zhopa!
Cosmonaut 1: Da! We can no longer be trusting Premier Milenkov!
Crypto: Oh, it ain't just Milenkov, kids! The Blisk think you're a bunch of morons too!
Cosmonaut 2: Bliskeviks also?! But they're always telling us Soviet Union will be ruling world!
Cosmonaut 1: Da, Leonid! What evidence are you having to mistrust Bliskeviks?
Crypto: EVIDENCE?!?! THEY'RE CONTROLLING YOUR MINDS!!!
Cosmonaut 1: Tsssk... I am thinking Comrade Cosmonaut Leonid is drinking too much Revelade.
Crypto: THEY'VE TAKEN OVER YOUR ENTIRE GOVERNMENT!!!
Cosmonaut 2: Tut, tut. Comrad Leonid is perhaps watching too much American television.
Crypto: THEY'RE GIANT FREAKIN' LOBSTERS!!! FROM OUTER FREAKIN' SPACE!!!
Cosmonaut 2: Hmm, tssk... we are seeing long term psychological effects of space travel. Poor Leonid.
Crypto: ...THEY'RE TAKING AWAY YOUR VODKA!!!
Cosmonaut 1: [Gasp!] This... this is being outrage!!! Anything else can be endured if we are having vodka!
Cosmonaut 2: Da! Without vodka, Russia would have been democracy 200 years ago!
Cosmonaut 1: This will not be standing! There is being no such thing as free lunch, Bliskeviks!
Crypto: Yeah! Give me vodka, or give me death!
Cosmonaut 1: Da!
Crypto: Yeah! So what does this mean for the Bliskeviks?!
Cosmonaut 2: Bad news for the Bliskeviks!
Crypto: That's the spirit! Now get out there, find the Blisk and KILL THEM CRABBIES DEAD!!!
Cosmonaut 2: FOR VODKA!!!!!

Crypto: I bet I could tell you that I'm an alien from the Planet Furon, here to harvest your brain stems, and you wouldn't even care...
British Hippie: COOL! Do it! At least that will take care of my head-ache!

Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Now tell me all the good things you remember about your mother.
Crypto: You mean, you're not my mother? Or are you?

Crypto: So, you me, jacuzzi, chocolate syrup... what do you say?
Natalya Ivanova: I'm allergic to chocolate.
Crypto: No kidding... that's gotta suck.
Natalya Ivanova: Eh, soviet chocolate tastes like mud anyway. And I have to fit into this outfit.
Crypto: And on behalf of oversexed aliens everywhere let me just say thank you.

Coyote Bongwater: [when he first sees Crypto] Aaah! Goddamn flashbacks!
Crypto: Guess again sunshine. Nice setup you got here. Guns, drugs, bra-burning hippie chicks... A man after my own heart, if I had one.

Crypto: For God's sake Pox, the name of the game is Destroy All Humans, not 'play some record and keep the kids off drugs.'
Pox: Do you think you might be able to, maybe, for the next thirty seconds... Concentrate!

Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: We know you have it! Tell us where it is or it's the Ludwig treatment for you. Eyelids peeled back, excruciating torture, endless hours of Ludwig Van!
Crypto: Oh God! Not Beethoven! ANYTHING BUT BEETHOVEN!

Crypto: Hey, Nat, if i said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Natalya Ivanova: Crypto, I like you. but I will neuter you if I have to.
Crypto: Fair enough.

Dr. Orlov: Excellent hand-eye coordination. You should try new game I am developing on computer in spare time.
Crypto: Games? On a computer? You're wasting your time doc.

Crypto: [disguised as a hippie] So I kill the Sergeant but avoid the crates... hey wait a minute... ain't I a pacifist?
KGB Agent: Once you are returning all the crates, we will be paying you the agreed upon fee.
Crypto: Ah, the sweet smell of political ideals being compromised.

Orthopox-13: And why don't you... torture some hippies?
Crypto: For information?
Orthopox-13: No, for prosperity. Of course for information, you dolt! Now get out there and cause some trouble!

Crypto: Hey Poxy, what's it like being one of the floating dead?
Orthopox-13: It's quite peaceful actually. No distractions, certainly no violence or destruction. Frankly it's boring the phlegm off me!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! I WANT A NEW CLONE BODY!!!
Crypto: I almost feel sorry for the poor guy. Almost.

Crypto: I think I hear Arkvoodle calling for a sacrifice right now.
Shama Llama: I don't hear anything, and I am listening with my third ear.
Crypto: What's that, Arkvoodle? You want a monkey burger? One monkey burger coming right up.
Shama Llama: Oh, that calling. I hear that quite clearly.

Crypto: Pox, we got a problem. Bongwater must be drinking his own revelade, because the Freak says he's planning to fumigate Bay City with giant blimps.
Orthopox-13: Great galaxies! That's so moronic it might just actually work!

Orthopox-13:Crypto, what if it's true? What if you are... The One?
Crypto: Well, I did take a red pill this morning.

Orthopox-13: Crypto! You need to increase the intensity of those radar emissions! Perhaps if you cross the beams... Oh, no, wait, that would be bad.
Crypto: I'm a little fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing.
Orthopox-13: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously. Every molecule in your body in your body exploding at the speed of light. Total protonic reversal.
Crypto: Right, that's bad, got it.
Orthopox-13: No, no, there's no use for it. We're just going to have to take the risk! DO IT, CRYPTO! CROSS THE BEAMS! CROSS THEM FOR ALL YOU'RE WORTH!!!
Crypto: You asked for it!

[Encountering the Blisk for the first time]
Crypto: Hold the phone, what do these freaks want?
Orthopox-13: Wait a minute... Now that I think of it, that machinery looks suspiciously familiar... Oh my-- HOLY HOOKERS OF ARKVOODLE!!! Crypto! Do you know who these "freaks" are?!
Crypto: They're not Commie cabbageheads?
Orthopox-13: Great galaxies, no! They're not even human! They're the enemy - OUR enemy! The enemy we Furons defeated in the Martian War! Crypto... THEY'RE BLISK!!!
Crypto: Blisk?! Wait a minute, I thought we wiped the Blisk out!
Orthopox-13: I have no explanation; I can barely believe my sensors! But a few of them must have somehow survived!
Crypto: Not for long. Attention, Blisk: I am Cryptosporidium of the planet Furon! This planet is now a territory of the Furon Empire! And your asses belong to ME!

Crypto: You gotta fill me in on this whole "Blisk" thing, Pox.
Orthopox-13: My-- My hardrive is spinning, I hardly know where to begin! They're huge, hideous brutes with giant claws and withering halitosis! They have a single hive mind, and an imperviousness to radiation; they take to it like a pig to mud! Imagine a cockroach mating with a lobster!
Crypto: Oi! Enough already, you're makin' me queasy.
Orthopox-13: Humans assume the Tunguska blast of 1908 was caused by a meteorite. But now we know its true cause: the fiery crash of a Blisk warship!
Crypto: Listen, I skipped most of military history. How'd that war get started anyway?
Orthopox-13: Millenia ago, Mars was an ocean world, and the Blisk ruled an underwater paradise. Frankly, they were more than a little cocky about it. The war was long and bitter, but in the end we reduced their world to desert and wiped them out!... Or so we thought. We obliterated most of their warships, though one we could not account for. We assumed it had been destroyed, but it must have been merely disabled, and drifted helplessly through space until it crash-landed here on Earth.
Crypto: And I'm guessin' the Crabbies ain't the forgivin' type?
Orthopox-13: After what we did to them? Not bloody likely!
Crypto: Yeah, well, don't you worry your virtual little head, Pox. This time, they're goin' down for good!
Orthopox-13: A bold statement. Many Furons fell thanks to the Blisk. And there's another problem: since the war, the Furon defense budget has been... downsized. I fear that most of our current weapons will be ineffective against the Blisk.
Crypto: Downsized the defense budget?!?! What the hell'd the Emperor do that for?!?!
Orthopox-13: The Blisk were exterminated. No one else posed such a lethal threat. We didn't need the big guns! But none of us saw this coming.
Crypto: Okay, well, at least we know what we're up against. Whaddaya want me to do?
Orthopox-13: I'll contact you with new orders as soon as I have some idea of what's going on. Until then, just... don't do anything rash.
Crypto: Rash? Me? Nah, I got a cream for that; cleared it right up!

Crypto: What do we know about the Blisk, aside from they're ugly as sin?
Orthopox-13: They are indeed a most repulsive race, and incredibly vicious. Furthermore, they treat their workers very badly and have offensively short tempers.
Crypto: Any resemblance to present company is completely coincidental.

Crypto: [about to destroy the Blisk superweapon] Do the dishes, protect the Earth, save the Furon DNA, got it. Man, whatever happened to destroying all humans?
Orthopox-13: Let this be a lesson to you, Crypto: the best laid plans can be derailed by an unexpected case of the Crabs! Now GO!

Albion Police Officer: Scotland Yard here, state your emergency.
Crypto: When do you...get off?
Albion Police Officer: 5 o' clock on the dot everyday. And that's when I finish work too.

KGB Cosmonaut: Secret Soviet Moonbase Solaris!
Crypto: COME HERE QUICK! THERE'S SOME AMERICAN WHACKO PLAYING GOLF ON THE MOON!
KGB Cosmonaut: Da. Be pulling other one.

Officer Johnson: Police Headquarters, Officer Johnson.
Crypto: Do you deliver?
Officer Johnson: Yes, but there's a $2 surplus charge- wait...what?

Takoshamise Police Officer: Moshi Moshi! Takoshima Defense Force!
Crypto: We got him.
Takoshamise Police Officer: Super happy fun defense!

Crypto: Hey Pox, it just occurred to me - who's running the country while I've been away? Hasn't anyone noticed the President missing?
Pox: Well, you never did spend much time at the oval office anyway, so I installed a limited mechanism to keep the humans alive while you were away.
Crypto: What kind of mechanism?
Pox: Oh, just a limited functional machine. It smiles, waves, occasionally spouts inspiring patriotic speeches about world peace and other such nonsense.
Crypto: Heh. Guess the Monkeys wouldn't know the difference
Pox: Actually, your Approval Rating has tripled since I made the switch.

Crypto: Okay, run me through this again.
The Freak: Through what?
Crypto: About the blimps.
The Freak: What blimps?
Crypto: Coyote Bongwater's blimps! He's gonna use them to gas Bay City with Revelade!
The Freak: COYOTE BONGWATER'S GONNA GAS THE CITY WITH BLIMPS FULL OF REVELADE?!?!?
Crypto: Yes! You just said all of this!
The Freak: Said what?
Crypto: What do you mean "said what"? You just told me that... [sighs] See kids? This is why you shouldn't do drugs.

[during the Kojira Kaiju battle]
Orthopox: Crypto, let that creature have it with everything you got!
Crypto: Arkvoodle-dammit! What's the deal here, Pox?! The more stuff that thing knocks down, the more it regenerates!
Orthopox: Well it HAS to have a weak spot somewhere! Find it and hit it hard! You don't want to lose the big one in front of your little ninja groupies, do you?
Crypto: I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT MY LITTLE NINJA GROUPIES!!! I'M WORRIED ABOUT GETTING MY ASS STOMPED!!!

Milenkov: Hello, Cryptosporidium.
Crypto: Milenkov. Sorry to rain on your Communist Party, but in case you haven't noticed, your little base looks like Keith Moon redecorated! You've lost.
Milenkov: Such bluster, such arrogance. You're beginning to sound like real American. Soon you'll be wearing cowboy hat and speaking in monosyllables!
Crypto: Says you!

Crypto: Get this through your monkey brain, Milenkov: we own that planet! And there's not a damn thing you or your Russkie pals can do about it!
Milenkov: [laughing] Such bluster, such overconfidence, yet still you can't see the big picture! I wonder, would you feel so arrogant if you knew the full scope of our... FIENDISH MASTER PLAN?!?

Crypto: Milly, I'm gonna probe you so hard, you're gonna be wearin' diapers for a month!
Milenkov: I already take a weekly high colonic, but thank you for the offer. On the other hand, I wonder - would you be so bold if you knew our... DEVILISH MASTER PLAN?!?

Crypto: You two-bit, tinhorn petty tyrant! I fart bigger than you! You think just because you can keep a few depressed peasants in line, you can go toe-to-toe with me?! I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD! THE MASTER OF DISASTER! THE BADDEST DUDE IN THE WHOLE DAMN TOWN! KING KONG AIN'T GOT NOTHING ON ME!
Milenkov: King Kong died, Cryptosporidium. I wonder, would you be so sure of yourself if you knew our... FIENDISH MASTER PLAN?!?

[After Milenkov repeatedly boasts about his "master plan"]
Crypto: Geez, you guys just gotta have your monologues, don't you? Okay, I give. What's your damn master plan? Lemme guess - you and the Blisk are gonna spread those spores and enslave humanity. Commies and Crabbies - a match made in heaven.
Milenkov: [chuckling] Small minds, no imagination. It's nothing so mundane. We don't give a damn about humanity, Cryptosporidium! What we want from Earth is the same thing you want: survival.
Crypto: So the Crabbies want a new crib. What's wrong with Mars?
Milenkov: Mars is a desert! An acid wasteland! You Furons saw to that! But Earth - Earth is three fifths water. All it lacks is massive radioactivity - to become a new Eden. An irradiated ocean paradise for Blisk!
Crypto: But what about the Russians? Your people can't live in that.
Milenkov: "My people"?! [laughs] Oh, you really aren't very bright, are you? Why do you think we've waged Cold War? Encouraged the buildup of nuclear arms? Good God, what sane human would pursue such obvious suicide? 1908: Blisk warship crashes. 1917: October Revolution. Do the math! You of all creatures should know - aliens walk among us, da?
Crypto: You're not suggesting...?!
Milenkov: Suggesting? I'm telling you! Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev...
Crypto: Trotsky?!
Milenkov: Please, don't be ridiculous. It helped that Russian is so close to Bliskish - no coincidence, of course. The Furons aren't the only race who ever used Earth for "shore leave". Face it, Cryptosporidium - you Furons have been out-schemed! The history of the Soviet Union IS the history of Blisk on Earth! The loss of our spores is a blow, but in the end it makes no difference! SOON, EARTH WILL BE OURS! NO MORE HUMANS! NO MORE FURON DNA! And there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it! Lestrovya, Cryptosporidium.

Shama Llama: [seeing Crypto] I'm sorry, do I know you?
Crypto: Shama, it's me! You know, your benevolent yet sociopathic alien overlord!
Shama Llama: Oh, yes, the small green toddler! I forget your name. Do you have an appointment?
Crypto: I need an appointment to speak to an indigent hippie from Bay City with a crappy Indian accent. Not to mention whose ass, need I remind you, I literally dragged out of the gutter!
Shama Llama: And yet now it is I who am face of the Arkvoodle cult! Coincidence? I don't think so!
Crypto: Yeah, well, I just voided your contract. You're about to make the ultimate sacrifice!
Shama Llama: Arkvoodle will protect me!
Crypto: I wouldn't hold my breath!
[Crypto and Shama proceed to fight]

External links[edit]

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