Dilbert (TV series)
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Season 1 
The Name [1.01] 
- Dilbert: I thought you were gonna wake me at 6:30?
- Dogbert: I also said women like men who are shaped like potatoes. Can you find a pattern here?
- Dilbert: Good morning, shower!
- Automated Shower Machine: Good morning, Dilbert!
- Dogbert: Hmm, don't you do enough engineering at work?
- Dilbert: Work is just meetings, this is engineering. If this works, someday all showers will be voice activated.
- Dogbert [sitting on a stool]: Is it that hard to turn the knobs?
- Dilbert: It's not that it's hard, it's unnecessary. [To ASM] 99, please.
- ASM: 99. [shower turns on at 99 degrees; Dilbert steps inside]
- Dogbert [aside]: 400.
- [The ASM does nothing]
- Dilbert: Heh-heh, nice try. But the shower is calibrated to respond to my voice only.
- Dogbert: Why, you think of everything!
- Dilbert: I'm cautious.
- Dogbert: That's why you had training wheels on your bike until you were seventeen.
- Dilbert: I was fourteen.
- ASM: 14. [makes the shower temperature 14 degrees]
- Dilbert: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! [is frozen in a block of ice] 99! 99! 99! [shower goes back to 99 degrees, as the ice melts] Don't do that!
- Dogbert: Where'd you get the voice for that thing? It sounds like the voice for that stupid movie; what was it called, "something, something, a Space Odyssey"?
- Dilbert: It wasn't "Something, something, a Space Odyssey", it was "2001: A Spa-" [cut to the exterior of the house, as the ASM evidently makes the shower temperature 2001 degrees] AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
- [back inside, a red-skinned Dilbert wraps a towel around himself, which then catches on fire as he walks off-screen]
- Dogbert: On the plus-side, you look very clean.
- Dilbert: I told them at the rollout meeting that anthrax was a bacteria, not a herb!
- Wally: No you didn't!
- Dilbert: Well, I was thinking it pretty hard!
- Executive: Bob, you're like a son to me.
- Bob: You don't have a son.
- Executive: That's where I'm headed here.
- Bob: Oooh.
- Dilbert: To save time, I've hired a consultant to help us find a name for our next product.
- [The "consultant" turns around in his swivel chair and reveals himself to be Dogbert]
- Loud Howard: He doesn't look like any consultant I've ever seen!
- Dogbert [writing on a piece of paper]: Recommendation, Number One: Downsize the loud guy.
- Loud Howard: Uh, I-I take it back!
- Dogbert: Anyone else want a piece of me?
- PHB: Well, there's no point in killing a dead horse.
- Dilbert: You mean there's no point in beating a dead horse.
- PHB: Why would anyone beat a dead horse?
- Dilbert: Why would anyone kill a dead horse?
- PHB: Maybe it kicked ya.
- Dilbert: It's dead!
- PHB: And so is every customer who has used our flagship product!
- Dilbert: Do you think the guy who invented the mouse pad started with the name? What's a mouse pad?
- Wally: Heheh, feminine protection for mice.
- [Alice smacks Wally in the face with a book]
- Accountant: Walter is good with these name things. He just named his baby.
- PHB: How is Walter Jr?
- Walter: She's fine, thanks for asking.
- Dogbert: Do we have anyone here from marketing?
- [A guy and a girl from marketing are making out]
- Marketing girl: Lie to me!
- Marketing guy: Our next upgrade will solve the problem!
- Marketing girl: Ohhhh! [the two keep making out]
- Dogbert: I like the sound of it, but how do you spell "uh-hoo-ah-ahhhh"?
- Accountant: Walter has a name for the product.
- Walter: How about... Ford?
- Dogbert: Hmm. That seems to be taken - [slams his paper on the table] - by the Ford Motor Company!!
- [Walter runs out crying]
- Marketing guy: Maybe Ford will sell the name. Everybody has a price!
- Dogbert: You're not alowed to talk anymore.
- Vibrating chair store owner [speaking in a shaky voice]: Would you like to try a vibrating chair?
- Dogbert: Get out of my way, you pervert.
- Office worker: Help, Dilbert, I've been shot!
- Dilbert: "I've been shot!", "I've been shot!"—I have a few problems of my own you know!
- Office worker: Yeah I heard about the name thing, that's a drag…
- Dilmom: Why don't you call your product the Gruntmaster 6000?
- Dilbert: What kind of product do you see when you imagine a Gruntmaster 6000?
- Dilmom: Well it's a stripped-down version of the Gruntmaster 9000 of course. But it's software-upgradeable.
- Dogbert: As you probably know, all the good product names have been trademarked by companies who are competent.
- Wally: Competent? How are we going to compete with that?
- Boss: Ah—am I late?
- PHB: Right on time sir.
- Boss: Oh…in that case I've got time to make some phone calls. [leaves]
- [Dogbert causes all the chairs in the store to vibrate wildly]
- Vibrating chair store owner [shaky voice]: Will you be sitting down in any of these?
- Dogbert: No, I'm gonna run for it and you might wanna do the same.
The Competition [1.02] 
- Loud Howard: The rumor is that they treat you like a human being! And I would love to be treated like a human being - just once!
- Dilbert: This is impossible! How am I gonna get any work done if there's no tension?
- Dilbert: What kind of madhouse is this?!
The Prototype [1.03] 
- Dilbert: Lena's team is so big you could get lost in the crowd and never have to lift a finger.
- Alice: They might get the big raises and party atmosphere, but they'll never know the satisfaction that comes from really hard work.
- [Wally vanishes.]
- Dilbert: You could have worded that better.
- Fred's head: Get out while you still can.
- Dilbert: Get out?
- Fred's head: Can't you see? We're severed heads in a jar!
- Dilbert: Well maybe it didn't work out with you guys, but that doesn't mean it won't work out with me. She really likes me.
- Alice: Team Lena is going down!
- Dilbert: Must one person's triumph be another's humiliation?
- Alice: Of course.
- Alice: She's making me think of sex at the same time I see you naked. Now I've got Dilbert and sex in the same part of my brain! Ow! Ow! Ow! Get it out!
- Dilbert: It's so small - I can't even find it!
The Takeover [1.04] 
- Dogbert: That's outrageous. Idiots shouldn't have money.
- Dilbert: Hold it - were you just reading a book?
- Wally: Are you bonkers - what makes you think that?
- Dilbert: My own eyes.
- Wally: Hardly a reliable source.
- Dilbert: I just saw you!
- Dilbert: Insider trading is illegal - you could go to jail!
- PHB: Wally I'll need you to review the RFP for the BGA project before the IOC meeting.
- Wally: Well that has alibi written all over it. Are you in?
- Dilbert: I thought you were supposed to buy when the stock is down.
- Dogbert: Have I ever lied to you?
- Dilbert: About a thousand times.
- Dogbert: You don't have to throw it in my face.
- Wally: Who died and made you the Dalai Lama?
- Wally: You do whatever you want. Me - I'm cashing out.
- Dilbert: You plan to retire?
- Wally: Retire? From what? I don't do anything now except surf the net - why should I pay for that? Besides, I really like the coffee here.
- Stockholder: You two are going to fit right in here, and I'm referring of course only to Wally.
The Testing [1.05] 
- Dilbert: That's it! I've done it!
- Dogbert: That's not the word on the street.
- Dilbert: What are you doing with my laser?
- Dogbert: Did you know there are no laws in space?
- PHB: Look, I've worked very hard seeing the Gruntmaster 6000 through to this final phase of testing and I just want to say how proud I am of myself. Now if we can just get rid of that junk on the field maybe we can start the tests..
- Dilbert: Uh, that's the Gruntmaster 6000.
- PHB: Really? It's so big.
- Dilbert: Just out of curiosity, how often does an asteroid hit an exercise machine?
- PHB: A comet hit my Stairmaster - that's why I don't exercise anymore!
- Dilbert: You're going into space?
- Dogbert: Good observation, potato boy. I'll send you a postcard.
- Dilbert: I don't think you can send a postcard from outer space.
- Dogbert: Ooh, it can be done. But you might see a little jump in your next tax bill.
- Wally: Hey Bob, how's it going?
- Bob Bastard: Wally. [walks off with Alice]
- Wally [smitten]: He called me "Wally."
- Dilbert: That's your name.
- Wally: There's no call for bitterness.
- Dogbert: So, you're welcome!
- Dilbert: Thanks, Dogbert. You really bailed me out.
- Dogbert: Ohh, it's nothing you wouldn't have done for me if you weren't you and I wasn't me and everything was completely different.
Elbonian Trip [1.06] 
- Dilbert: You're living in the past, my furry friend. Capitalism has transformed Elbonia. The economy is burgeoning.
- Dogbert: Nothing like slave labor to perk up the economy.
- Dilbert: They're making many advances. For instance, did you realise the leading cause of death in Elbonia is no longer Black Plague?
- Dogbert: Oh really? What is?
- Dilbert: Here we go, it's.. self-inflicted gunshot wounds? Must be a typo.
- Garbageman: Well in that case he'll need the help of someone who is incapable of sympathy; someone so cynical that the suffering of others is nothing but a source of cheap entertainment.
- Dogbert: Oh alright - I'll go.
- Dilbert: Hey, hi.
- PHB: What an odd-looking people.
- Alice: It's us! From work!
- Dilbert: Remember?
- PHB: If only I spoke your language. Do you know where the pool is? The POOL? Swimmy swimmy?
Alice and Dilbert stare at the PHB.
- PHB: Ignorant wogs.
- Dilbert: Shouldn't there be a guard-rail around that?
- Elbonian: Guard-rail? Haha, what is this, an amusement park?
- Alice: You can't put babies to work on an assembly line!
- Elbonian: These are not babies. They are toddlers.
- Dilbert: Are those people dead?
- Elbonian: Technically, yes. But that's no excuse. Get to work you lazy corpse!
- Dilbert: If you're going to change anything you're gonna have to organise.
- Elbonian Worker: Now you've lost us.
- Elbonian Dictator: You will be read your rights, given a fair trial, then executed. On second thought, since we have no rights, and we have no courts, let's go to the execution.
Tower Of Babel [1.07] 
- Loud Howard: I, I cough, cough I've lost my voice!
- PHB: Sorry son, I couldn't hear you! Mhm, mhm, mhm.
- PHB: At this time it gives me great pleasure to do this.
PHB scratches armpit
- PHB: Their sacrifices are a inspiration to us all — not to mention the cost-savings that go directly to the bottom line.
- PHB: Secondly, we've stocked the first aid kits with these new wonder-drugs — placebos [pronounced plah-see-bos].
The Little People [1.08] 
- Alice: I could sue you both for making this a hostile workplace.
- Dilbert: Ten minutes ago you beat a man senseless.
- Alice: He was senseless before I beat him.
Charity [1.11] 
- Dogbert: I'll bet you 20 dollars it doesn't feel good to give. [extends hand]
- Dilbert: You are on, my cynical friend! [shakes Dogbert's hand]
- Dogbert: Okay, to settle the question, give me 40 dollars and then tell me if it feels good.
- Dilbert: That wouldn't feel good.
- Dogbert: Okay, then give me 20 dollars because you lost the bet.
- Dilbert [puzzled look]: Did I just make a bet that would cost me 20 dollars whether I won or not? [hands Dogbert a $20 bill]
- Dogbert [taking the money]: Yes. But you also got to help someone more fortunate than yourself.
The Delivery [2.14] 
- Jay Leno: And you've heard about this guy? Well, he's sort of a guy. And he's reportedly a surrogate mother for an alien, hilbilly, robot, engineer, cow baby. Michael Jackson already has an order in for three of them! Part cow, part engineer...now do you think it'll spend a lot of the nights surfing the internet and milking itself?