Dinnerladies

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dinnerladies (1998–2000) was a British television sitcom set entirely in the canteen of a factory in Manchester.

Contents

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Monday [1.01]

Norman: I fell off a diving board in Guernsey!
Philippa: Would this be a good moment to talk about Scottish country dancing?
Jean: No it wouldn't!
Bren: Twink, what's the soup?
Twinkle: Minestrone
Bren: Well why's it not on the menu?
Twinkle: Can't spell it!
Tony: I quite like women in a sad, baffled sort of way! But can we get a grip? Out of a workforce of five, at any given moment one will have pre-menstrual tension, one's panicking because she's not, someone's having a hot flush and someone else is having a nervous breakdown because her HRT patch has fallen in the minestrone!
Jean: [Annoyed] That was a one off!
Philippa Morcroft: Pressure at work can affect your sex life, they did a questionnaire [reading] "Are you to busy to have an orgasm?"
Jean: Orgasm? I've not blown my nose since Wednesday!
Jean: (to the Stripper) Can you play the accordion?
Stripper: Well, you could see what a liability that could be naked, might trap a nipple.
Jean: Last big wedding Keith's Auntie ate a coaster.
Dolly: What?
Jean: Keith's Auntie Margo ate a raffia drinks coaster. She thought it was a high fibre biscuit. She had to be held back from moving down the table and buttering two more.
Jean: I thought about trailing greenery for the reception, but Keith's anti-ivy.
Bren: I didn't know Keith had an Auntie Ivy.

[edit] Royals [1.02]

Royal: (to Anita) Are you an immigrant?
Philippa: No, Anita's British!
Royal: Oh, good. So you don't find it too cold here?
Anita: [crying] I SAID NIPPLES!
Royal: How do you feel about wearing a uniform?
Anita: I think we can all see the sense in it, for hygiene. And it protects your nipples!
Tony: (to Twinkle) Do you want to get a job in an upstairs window in Amsterdam, or shall we try and cling on to our slim little foothold in catering?

[edit] Scandal [1.03]

Sheila: Where's my Clint?
Sheila: I've got high blood pressure and water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Bren: Boiling water?
Dolly: Why do people have to spit? That ruined Titanic for me, the spitting! The iceberg couldn't come fast enough after I saw that!

[edit] Moods [1.04]

Enid: Did you get that skirt from a catalogue?
Philippa: No.
Enid: Pity. You could have sent it back.
Anita: I'm really upset. It was me who saw him sitting on the toilet - I think I should have counselling!
Dolly: Counselling! My mother was trapped under a Blackpool tram for four and a half hours - she didn't get counselling. She got a cup of tea and two tickets to Charlie Drake!

[edit] Party [1.05]

Petula: What did Edith Piaf use to say?
Bren: A handbag?
Petula: No, that was Edith Evans! No, it was - non, je ne regrette rien. Rien regriette...
Bren: Who is Babs?
Petula: Babs? She's from Urmston!
Jean: (to Tony) Breathe in! Can you smell my Charlie?
Dolly: I hadn't budgeted for chips calorie-wise!
Petula: Do excuse me, I man a helpline at midnight.
Babs: I've come from Urmston.
Tony: Have you?
Babs: There's two ways to get there.
Jean: (on the Christmas party) Normally it's a few dodgy pies and a disco. You show up, throw up and bog off home.
Twinkle: We're off clubbing! Have a great night, oldies!
Tony: Have you not got coats?
Twinkle: Coats? How sad are you?
Twinkle: (reading the Christmas party invite)" What does that mean, sake from six thirty? (pronouncing it sake)
Dolly: Sah-ke!
Twinkle: I'm not being sarky, I'm asking!
Anita: I fancy devorai!
Dolly: As a guest?
Anita: As a fabric for my dress!
Dolly:It sounded like an ethnic boyfriend! Devorai Singh, Devorai Patel...
Tony: Do some flipping work!

[edit] Nightshift [1.06]

Jean: (while looking in the newspaper for a new job) Something like cleaning, light housework, housekeeping. Here's one, light house-keeper wanted.
Bren: (Bren leans over to look at the paper) Lighthouse. Keeper.
Nicola Bodeux: What would happen if I asked for a herbal tea?
Jean: Nothing.
Nicola Bodeux: You mean you wouldn't be fazed by such a request?
Jean: No, I mean you wouldn't get one.
Nicola Bodeux: I'm warning you, I don't mince my punches.

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Catering [2.01]

Stan: Men and women have different brains.
Dolly: Yes, it was in the Daily Mail. Women can't fold maps, and men can't get interested in headboards.
Jean: It's like taking Telly Savalas for a shampoo and set.
Twinkle: Telly who?
Anita: Shampoo and what?

[edit] Trouble [2.02]

Jean: Well we can't all stand around lobbing toast about. Some of us have personal problems.
Jane: I know we do! But we don't bring them to work! I lost 8 tropical fish last week in a power cut!

[edit] Holidays [2.03]

Babs: Do you remember where I'm from?
Bren: Urmston.
Babs: No, I'm from Urmston!
Petula: I'm just saving some oxygen for the foetus. (to "foetus") Alright, baba?
Customer: Do you have that yogurt for your intestines?
Dolly: No.
Customer: It's advertised with singing bacteria.
Dolly: Where was this?
Customer: Well, this was in Carlisle.
Dolly: Well, Carlisle! That's a much more gullible part of the country!

[edit] Fog [2.04]

Bren: I thought you said he looked like Richard Madeley!
Jean: I meant Richard Whiteley!
Tony: So, you're not pregnant, then?
Bren: Not unless sperm can get through a sash window.
Stan: It's one of several neglected areas in my life. I've got no sex life, no frying pan and I'm halfway through a tube of toothpaste I absolutely cannot stand!
Anita: Aww, I can help you out, Stan!
Tony: Aye aye?
Anita: I could lend you a wok!
Stan: They used to call me Coppernob!
Twinkle: What colour was your hair, though, Stan?

[edit] Gamble [2.05]

Dolly: Bob's sister, who usually keeps my present pretty much at bath cube lever, has upgraded me to a cafetiere!
Bren: You mean you've opened it already?
Dolly: Well, how else do I know what price range I'm batting back against?

[edit] Christmas [2.06]

(Twinkle gets a horse figurine from Dolly for Christmas)

Jean: I got you that two years ago!
Dolly: Did you?! I suppose if I'd been on HRT I would have remembered!

Anita: (after Bren telling Bob she's just doing some bacon) You know you were asking about bacon? We haven't got any at the moment but Bren's just doing some.

Bob: What are you on, a two minute delay?

(Stan sees Dolly and Jean about to move one of the tables)

Stan: Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!
Jean: Is the bus reversing?
Bren: Tony didn't tear it. It was Martin.
Jean: Ooh, this gets better. Who's Martin? Should we have had a bet on him?
Bren: He's my-
Jean: Calor Gas man?
Dolly: Mother's boyfriend?
Philippa: Chiropodist?
Anita: Stick insect?
Bren: Husband.

[edit] Minnellium [2.07]

"'Dolly: And it would be nice if we could all spare a thought for the coming of our Lord.
Twinkle: Oh, not him again. We'll be back on Ragtag and flipping Bobtail in a minute! Can I just finish my coffee?
Philippa: Never mind your bloody coffee. Get in the bloody bloody bloody frigging car!
Anita: I don't like 'fart face'. Even after 9:00.
Stan: A little baby. What a stupid thing to leave on a fire escape!
Bren: That's what it is. I wish I'd met you before.
Tony: Before I had chemo?
Bren: Before I married an alcoholic? I dunno. Twenty years ago? No, not twenty years ago, I had a perm!
Tony: Twenty years ago, I think I did!
Tony: Any baby of Petula's would look like something out of the Beano!
Tony: Did you drive in Anita? How was the traffic?
Anita: The traffic?
Tony: Yeah, you know, cars on the road, passing each other?
Anita: Didn't come that way.
Tony: Yeah, of course you didn't.
Phillipa: Oh, is it going again? No, it's okay. Contact lenses.
Dolly: No, I liked you in glasses.
Phillipa: Oh, did you?
Dolly: Hm, they diminished your nostrils.
Jean: I'll tell you about the time Keith's Auntie Betty from Cockermouth found two albino gerbils under the spare bed.
Phillipa: Aww. Did they mate?
Jean: Well they didn't, what with them being two angora bed socks.

[edit] Christine [2.08]

Dolly: (about Christine) She's fascinated with what she calls "The City Beyond the Water".
Jean: Halifax?
Twinkle: (to Tony) Oh ha ha, Jeremy Somebody!
Bren: Jeremy who?
Twinkle: I dunno, I didn't get to bed until five!
Anita: Who's that?
Bren: That's Christine.
Anita: And what's that smell?
Bren: That's Christine as well.
Bren: (about the smell) Have a whiff of raw bacon, it takes the edge off it.
Twinkle: Who was it? Christine?
Bren: Yeah. Might be nerves.
Twinkle: Might be mushy peas!
Christine: (to Dolly) Your aura is amethyst. Mine's white, the next one up, we have a bond.
Tony: And this is Jean.
Christine: (to Jean) No there's no spark there. You're hardly showing an aura at all.
Christine: This is the old country way - whisking towards the heart.
Jean: Which silly old country person told you that?
Tony: At the moment we're stuck with Niffy Nora the Aura Explorer.
Christine: You're quite shallow, aren't you Brenda. No offense meant!
Bren: No, but lots taken.
Christine: I wonder if this would be a good time for me to leave.
Twinkle: Yeah. Push off and take your bum with you.

[edit] Gravy [2.09]

Petula: What ward am I on?
Paramedic: 8.
Petula: It's mixed isn't it?
Paramedic: Yes.
Petula: Oh, might have a bit of sex. Though after Richard E Grant you don't really want to bother with a load of shagged-out pensioners.
Tony: Anita, have you got your yogurts out?
Anita: Sorry?
Tony: Let me rephrase that, 'can' you get your yogurts out?
Anita: Do you mean yogurts as in breasts?
Tony: No, I mean little pots of milky stuff with fruit in, this being a canteen.
Anita: That's okay. I have no objection to doing that.
Tony: Anita?
Anita: Yeah?
Tony: Feel free to get your breasts out.
Anita: When our neighbour died, when the (she draws a box in mid air)
Twinkle: Coffin?
Anita: Went through the (mimes looking through curtains and draws them in mid air as well)
Jean: Curtains?
Anita: They played the theme music from Countdown!
Bren: Did it make you cry?
Anita: No, I never watch it!
Dolly: (after the ambulance men leave an old woman in a wheelchair in the canteen) I wouldn't get too close, Bren, there could be two slap heads under that blanket!
Twinkle: Do you mean smackheads?
Dolly: There could be two drug addicts under that blanket, ready to leap out!
Jean': They'd have to be pretty small!
Dolly: They are small! Once people are on heroin, square meals fly out of the window, it was in the Daily Mail!

[edit] Toast [2.10]

Petula: I'm sorry I haven't been a very good mother. You can't be good at everything and I was A1 with a hula hoop.
Tony:: Your not too upset, are you, Bren?
Bren: (shakes head quickly)
Tony: Then why are you smoking?
Bren: God, sorry! Haven't done that in awhile.
Tony: You're not turning into your mother, are you?
Bren: Maybe I'm possessed. [Mimicking her mother, 'Petula'] Alright, everybody?


[edit] Cast

[edit] External links

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