Dirty Jobs

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Dirty Jobs is a Discovery Channel television show that takes a look at different dirty jobs with a hands on approach.

Season 1[edit]

Bat Cave Scavenger [1.1][edit]

Mike: That stinks a little.
Renee: You sure it's not you?
Mike: At this point, no.

Mike: This is what you did with your back room. And you could have gone with a computer office or a library...you've got a bat cage.
Barbara: Yeah, I've decided to go with the fruit bat motif.

Mike: [with his leg stuck in bat guano] What a stupid way to die.

Mike: There's really not a lot of difference between an octopus and like a giant pile of snot.

Mike: Are we walking in sand or guano?
Jim: That's powdered bat guano.
Mike: Holy shit.
Jim: I don't know if it's holy, but it's definitely shit.

Worm Dung Farmer [1.2][edit]

John: Worms are low maintenance, real easy to take care of. They basically do three things: they eat, they poop, and have sex.
Mike: Man, that's a great life.

Mike: You know they throw poop at each other over at that other ranch. Just so you know.
Chris: We're a little bit cleaner facility.

Mike: [while he's inside a septic tank] Are you a religious man, Les? I'm about to become one. I'm going to be real good for the rest of my life because I don't want to come here when I die.

Mike: If I'm supposed to let it bite me, then who's fishing who?

Mike: [about the catfish] Jeez, it's like a giant hunk of snot.

Roadkill Cleaner [1.3][edit]

Roadkill Cleaner: There's times that you have to either laugh or throw up, whatever comes first which you might as well laugh.
Mike: I'll tell you what. You laugh and I'll throw up.

Mike: [to golf ball diver] Did you ever lose your bag of balls? That's got to be frustrating.

Golf ball diver: You fan with your hands through the mud until you feel something hard and you grab onto it. It's gonna be a golf ball. And if it moves, you let it go.

Horse Breeder: [said while horse breeder was pulling out manure from the horse's butt] I can identify most of our horses from this angle.
Mike: You gotta get out more.

Chinatown Garbage Collector [1.4][edit]

Mike: Nice warm day. Rough seas. The smell of freshly ground mackerel hitting you square in the face like a moist sponge. If you don't vomit in a situation like this, you never will.

Mike: That's going in my wine? Please tell me there's another process between here and the vineyard.

Mike: What's the coolest thing you ever found in a car you were disassembling?
Mark: One time I found a forty-five.
Mike: A forty-five... a weapon?
Mark: A weapon. I found a cassette box that was loaded with drugs.
Mike: What kinda drugs?
Mark: Green stuff in a bag, I guess it was...
Mike: Oregano, probably
Mark: Probably. Oregano to me...
Mike: What happened was that you probably got the car of an ex-cooking expert, probably.
Mark: And he was afraid someone was gonna steal his recipe and that's why he had the forty-five.

Mike: After eight hours with L.J. III, I was trashed.

Sewer Inspector [1.5][edit]

Mike: Nobody makes a turd like that and lives.
Gary: Sure they do.
Mike: Come on, it's orange!

Gary: The first thing we have to do, Mike, is get acquainted with this tool right here.
Mike: What is this?
Gary: This tool here is called the Pooper Scooper.
Mike: This is called a garden trowel.
Gary: For us it's a Pooper Scooper.
Mike: You're not gonna tell me that were gonna scoop the poop out of the pot with a garden trowel?

Mike: Ho ho ho, three giant bags of poo. Who's been naughty? I'm the real bad Santa.

Mike: And while some people might have left their hearts in San Francisco, I can tell you from my experience today, that's not all they left.

Pig Farmer [1.6][edit]

[Mike is pushing the pigs out of a fenced area.]
Mike: Go to where your friends are peeing... Join the urine parade.

Mike: They build a nest on top of their poo? How firm a foundation.

Mike: [Stumbles on roof] Another colossally stupid way to die: "What happened to Mike?" - "Ah, he fell off a building." - "What was he doing?" - "Ah, he was cleaning up pigeon poo. Tragic really, cut down in the sub-prime of his life."

Eric: Now, you're gonna wanna to take your hand and brush off the excess dirt off her vulva.
Mike: Right, with my clean gloves. Excess dirt? There's nothing here but... this vulva is encased in poo.

Eric: This is the nursery.
Mike: The nursery! What fresh hell are we in here?

Chick Sexer [1.7][edit]

Mike: Yeah, that's a great sound. The ground is farting at me.

Tom: [brewery employee] We filter it while it's cold, it'll be clear while it's warm.
Mike: Filter cold, clear warm.
Tom: Yes. If one were to filter it warm, it might not be clear cold. Is that clear?
Mike: You're a complicated man, Tom.
Tom: Come on, you tell that to all the boys.
Mike: For a guy with a hose you tell a good story.

Mike: We're just a couple of guys squeezing the crap outta chicks.

[Mike and Dave have added hops into another vat.]
Mike: How hot is it in there?
Dave: About 212 degrees. Boiling point.
Mike: That's boiling, yeah. That's why you keep that [lid] shut.
Dave: Yeah.
Mike: Safety first.
[Dave agrees]
Mike: Where are your safety goggles, Dave?
Dave: Uhh…
Mike: Uh-huh. I'll have a chat with OSHA.

[Mike and Dave are looking down a vat that Mike is going to clean]
Mike: How hot is it down there?
Dave: 148 degrees.
Mike: Well it’s a dry heat.

Vexcon [1.8][edit]

Mary: Roach Armageddon is about to commence.
Mike: Bring it on.

Mark: You know you're a farrier when you wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.

Mike: Now does it occur to the crab that the chicken, being a land based animal, has no business at the bottom of the river?
Bill: No, he's never seen a chicken.

Mike: Turns out shoes really do make the horse.

Sludge Cleaner [1.9][edit]

Mike: You've seen worse, haven't you?
Matt: No, I haven't seen much worse, honestly.

Mike: We conclude with a sandjob?
Matt: Always.
Mike: I love a happy ending!

[Mike and Todd are shoveling sludge]
Todd: So how does it rate?
Mike: On the seven levels of hell? Six...and a half.
Todd: I'm glad I could accommodate you.

Mike: [referring to a drum of sludge] How much does it weigh?
Todd: About, uh, six hundred pounds. So let me get you the uh...
Mike: Yeah, get me something, like six other guys.
[Todd returns with a dolly]
Mike: Oh a dolly. Hello, dolly.

Mrs. Hunt: [while bottling honey in a bear] That's a two pound bear and that goes for $6.
Mike: So if a two pound bear goes for $6 and a one quart bottle goes for eight dollars, a one quart bottle must weigh over two pounds.
Mrs. Hunt: It's three pounds.
Mike: See? I did that all in my head!
Mrs. Hunt: Very good.
Mike: Thanks.

Unsorted quotes[edit]

  • A man who deliberately covers himself in poo is not sexy.
  • You know your ship has come in when you get your name on your own garbage can. And your own shovel.

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
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