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Bat Cave Scavenger [1.1]
- Mike: That stinks a little.
- Renee: You sure it's not you?
- Mike: At this point, no.
- Mike: This is what you did with your back room. And you could have gone with a computer office or a library...you've got a bat cage.
- Barbara: Yeah, I've decided to go with the fruit bat motif.
- Mike: [with his leg stuck in bat guano] What a stupid way to die.
- Mike: There's really not a lot of difference between an octopus and like a giant pile of snot.
- Mike: Are we walking in sand or guano?
- Jim: That's powdered bat guano.
- Mike: Holy shit.
- Jim: I don't know if it's holy, but it's definitely shit.
Worm Dung Farmer [1.2]
- John: Worms are low maintenance, real easy to take care of. They basically do three things: they eat, they poop, and have sex.
- Mike: Man, that's a great life.
- Mike: You know they throw poop at each other over at that other ranch. Just so you know.
- Chris: We're a little bit cleaner facility.
- Mike: [while he's inside a septic tank] Are you a religious man, Les? I'm about to become one. I'm going to be real good for the rest of my life because I don't want to come here when I die.
- Mike: If I'm supposed to let it bite me, then who's fishing who?
- Mike: [about the catfish] Jeez, it's like a giant hunk of snot.
Roadkill Cleaner [1.3]
- Roadkill Cleaner: There's times that you have to either laugh or throw up, whatever comes first which you might as well laugh.
- Mike: I'll tell you what. You laugh and I'll throw up.
- Mike: [to golf ball diver] Did you ever lose your bag of balls? That's got to be frustrating.
- Golf ball diver: You fan with your hands through the mud until you feel something hard and you grab onto it. It's gonna be a golf ball. And if it moves, you let it go.
- Horse Breeder: [said while horse breeder was pulling out manure from the horse's butt] I can identify most of our horses from this angle.
- Mike: You gotta get out more.
Chinatown Garbage Collector [1.4]
- Mike: Nice warm day. Rough seas. The smell of freshly ground mackerel hitting you square in the face like a moist sponge. If you don't vomit in a situation like this, you never will.
- Mike: That's going in my wine? Please tell me there's another process between here and the vineyard.
- Mike: What's the coolest thing you ever found in a car you were disassembling?
- Mark: One time I found a forty-five.
- Mike: A forty-five... a weapon?
- Mark: A weapon. I found a cassette box that was loaded with drugs.
- Mike: What kinda drugs?
- Mark: Green stuff in a bag, I guess it was...
- Mike: Oregano, probably
- Mark: Probably. Oregano to me...
- Mike: What happened was that you probably got the car of an ex-cooking expert, probably.
- Mark: And he was afraid someone was gonna steal his recipe and that's why he had the forty-five.
- Mike: After eight hours with L.J. III, I was trashed.
Sewer Inspector [1.5]
- Mike: Nobody makes a turd like that and lives.
- Gary: Sure they do.
- Mike: Come on, it's orange!
- Gary: The first thing we have to do, Mike, is get acquainted with this tool right here.
- Mike: What is this?
- Gary: This tool here is called the Pooper Scooper.
- Mike: This is called a garden trowel.
- Gary: For us it's a Pooper Scooper.
- Mike: You're not gonna tell me that were gonna scoop the poop out of the pot with a garden trowel?
- Mike: Ho ho ho, three giant bags of poo. Who's been naughty? I'm the real bad Santa.
- Mike: And while some people might have left their hearts in San Francisco, I can tell you from my experience today, that's not all they left.
Pig Farmer [1.6]
- [Mike is pushing the pigs out of a fenced area.]
- Mike: Go to where your friends are peeing... Join the urine parade.
- Mike: They build a nest on top of their poo? How firm a foundation.
- Mike: [Stumbles on roof] Another colossally stupid way to die: "What happened to Mike?" - "Ah, he fell off a building." - "What was he doing?" - "Ah, he was cleaning up pigeon poo. Tragic really, cut down in the sub-prime of his life."
- Eric: Now, you're gonna wanna to take your hand and brush off the excess dirt off her vulva.
- Mike: Right, with my clean gloves. Excess dirt? There's nothing here but... this vulva is encased in poo.
- Eric: This is the nursery.
- Mike: The nursery! What fresh hell are we in here?
Chick Sexer [1.7]
- Mike: Yeah, that's a great sound. The ground is farting at me.
- Tom: [brewery employee] We filter it while it's cold, it'll be clear while it's warm.
- Mike: Filter cold, clear warm.
- Tom: Yes. If one were to filter it warm, it might not be clear cold. Is that clear?
- Mike: You're a complicated man, Tom.
- Tom: Come on, you tell that to all the boys.
- Mike: For a guy with a hose you tell a good story.
- Mike: We're just a couple of guys squeezing the crap outta chicks.
- [Mike and Dave have added hops into another vat.]
- Mike: How hot is it in there?
- Dave: About 212 degrees. Boiling point.
- Mike: That's boiling, yeah. That's why you keep that [lid] shut.
- Dave: Yeah.
- Mike: Safety first.
- [Dave agrees]
- Mike: Where are your safety goggles, Dave?
- Dave: Uhh…
- Mike: Uh-huh. I'll have a chat with OSHA.
- [Mike and Dave are looking down a vat that Mike is going to clean]
- Mike: How hot is it down there?
- Dave: 148 degrees.
- Mike: Well it’s a dry heat.
- Mary: Roach Armageddon is about to commence.
- Mike: Bring it on.
- Mark: You know you're a farrier when you wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.
- Mike: Now does it occur to the crab that the chicken, being a land based animal, has no business at the bottom of the river?
- Bill: No, he's never seen a chicken.
- Mike: Turns out shoes really do make the horse.
Sludge Cleaner [1.9]
- Mike: You've seen worse, haven't you?
- Matt: No, I haven't seen much worse, honestly.
- Mike: We conclude with a sandjob?
- Matt: Always.
- Mike: I love a happy ending!
- [Mike and Todd are shoveling sludge]
- Todd: So how does it rate?
- Mike: On the seven levels of hell? Six...and a half.
- Todd: I'm glad I could accommodate you.
- Mike: [referring to a drum of sludge] How much does it weigh?
- Todd: About, uh, six hundred pounds. So let me get you the uh...
- Mike: Yeah, get me something, like six other guys.
- [Todd returns with a dolly]
- Mike: Oh a dolly. Hello, dolly.
- Mrs. Hunt: [while bottling honey in a bear] That's a two pound bear and that goes for $6.
- Mike: So if a two pound bear goes for $6 and a one quart bottle goes for eight dollars, a one quart bottle must weigh over two pounds.
- Mrs. Hunt: It's three pounds.
- Mike: See? I did that all in my head!
- Mrs. Hunt: Very good.
- Mike: Thanks.
- A man who deliberately covers himself in poo is not sexy.
- You know your ship has come in when you get your name on your own garbage can. And your own shovel.