Dirty Work (1998 film)
Mitch (Norm Macdonald): Sam, you remember how things were when we were young?
Sam (Artie Lange]): Yeah, it was great.
Mitch: Yeah it was. I mean, I felt good about myself back then, y’know? If somebody messed with me, no problem. I didn’t take crap from anybody. Now I’m in my thirties, I can’t hold a job, I go with women I don’t even like. And worst of all, I take crap from absolutely everybody. Ah well, things could be worse, y’know, I uh… [louder] I coulda got my nose bit off by a Saigon whore!
Jimmy (Chris Farley): [Turning round to reveal his bitten-off nose] You… bastard!
Mitch: There’s two kinds of people in this world: Those who get stomped on, and those who do the stomping.
Kathy (Traylor Howard): Where’d you come up with that theory?
Mitch: A famous guy said it. What’s his name, uh… Oh yeah, Jesus.
Bar patron (James Carroll): Looks like there’s gonna be a brawl. Playing something good?
Patron: You just hit G-8.
[Jukebox plays “Escape (The Piña Colada Song).”]
Mitch: Whoa, you got a dead hooker in the trunk!
Anton Phillips (David Koechner): What? No! [Slams the trunk.] It can’t be!
Mitch: Yes it was, it was a dead hooker!
Anton: It wasn’t a dead hooker!
Mitch: Hell, I know a dead hooker when I see one.
Anton: What’s happening? Hey, folks, come on down…
[Sam opens another trunk remotely.]
Mitch: Hey hey, here’s another dead hooker in this trunk!
[Sam opens another and another. Anton frantically tries to close them.]
Mitch: Oh my goodness!
Anton: What’re you doing?
Mitch: I’ve never seen so many dead hookers in all my life!
Creepy Harry (Boyd Banks): Lord knows I have.
Heather the Bearded Lady (Rebecca Romijn): Hey baby. You ever had a chick with a beard before?
Mitch: [Nervously laughs.] Can’t say that I have there, bearded broad.
Heather: Well then sugar, you haven’t lived.
Mitch: [Into his tape recorder] Note to self: I don’t want to live.
Sam: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Mitch: No no no no. I have a plan.
Mitch: [After the rapists let him go.] You fellas have a lot of growing up to do, I’ll tell you that! Ridiculous! Completely ridiculous! You believe these characters? Way out of line, way out of line! I’ve a good mind to go to the warden about this! You know what hurts the most is the… the lack of respect! You know? That’s what hurts the most. Except for the… except for the other thing. That hurts the most. But the lack of respect hurts the second most.
Sam: Hey doc, what happened to your foot?
Dr. Farthing (Chevy Chase): What I don’t understand is, when you owe a bookie a lot of money, and he, say, blows off one of your toes, you still owe him the money. Doesn’t seem fair to me. Especially when he’s gonna kill me in four days anyway.
Mitch: I tell you what. I’ll give you a dollar each if you go into this building here and run around yelling and sceaming.
Homeless guy (Fred Wolf); Ah y’know, that’s very nice, but I think what you probably need are like some psycho, out-of-control homeless guys.
Other homeless guy (Jim Downey): Yeah, we’re more the broken, spiritless, “I’ve lost the will to live” type homeless guys.
Mitch: How ’bout for two dollars?
[Cut to the homeless guys running amok in the building.]
Mitch: I mean we’ve always been like brothers. Now it’s just official. I mean it’s kinda cool.
Sam: Yeah, I guess it is cool. But it does change things.
Mitch: How’s that?
Sam: Well, like remember the second grade, when we used those rusty soda can tops to become blood brothers? Well, it was really a bunch of trouble for nothing, because we were already brothers.
Mitch: Yeah that’s right. Hey, hey! Hey, remember in fifth grade, when I was under the monkey bars and I sneaked a peek at your sister’s underwear? You remember that? Hey, no no: I was sneaking a peek at my own sister’s underwear!
Sam: [Laughing.] That’s right. Oh yeah, and remember in the twelfth grade, you had sex with her?
[Both immediately stop laughing.]
Mitch: Okay, enough reminiscing.
Kathy: You two are brothers?
Mitch: Yeah, it’s a long story.
Sam: My dad boned his mom.
Mitch: Okay, it’s a short story.
Kathy: I can’t believe I’m doing this. I don’t even know why I’m here.
Mitch: Hey, why are you here? Oh wait, I remember: Intense physical attraction to me.
Mitch: Hey, what’s up, fruity?
Travis Cole (Christopher McDonald): How did you… It doesn’t matter; you’ll be gone in a minute.
Mitch: Aha! You didn’t count on my loyal army of prostitutes, did you?
Prostitute (Uni Park): [Growls at him.]
Travis: All right, what do you want?
Mitch: Ah, just relax. Let’s watch your dirty opera, huh?
Mitch: Oh hey, by the way, Travis, do you remember, uh, do you remember when you said this?
Mitch on tape: Note to self: Making love to blow-up doll not as good as advertised.
Mitch: Oh, uh, sorry, I… Musta gone too far there.
Mitch: Here’s the check for fifty thousand.
Dr. Farthing: Oh, that’s great, Mitch. Say, what do you wanna bet I don’t go to my bookie?
Mitch: No! You’re going straight to your bookie to pay him off so you can live and perform Pop’s heart transplant!