Dogma (film)

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Dogma is a 1999 film about two renegade angels, banished for eternity to Wisconsin, who find a "loophole" that may allow them to return to Heaven. Unbeknownst to them, their reentry threatens to destroy the universe, forcing Heaven to mobilize forces to stop them.

Written and directed by Kevin Smith.
Get "touched" by an angel.Taglines

Contents

[edit] Loki

  • No, Through the Looking Glass, that poem "The Walrus and the Carpenter," that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and good nature, obviously represents either Buddha or, with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god Lord Ganesha – that takes care of your eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. Now I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions, out of fear of some intangible parent figure, who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says "Do it, do it and I'll fucking spank you!"

[edit] Bartleby

  • The lesson must be taught. All are accountable … even God.

[edit] Metatron

  • Behold, the Metatron, herald of the almighty, and voice of the one true God.
  • I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.
  • Say you're the Metatron, you're lucky to get a blank stare. Mention something from a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everyone's a theology scholar!

[edit] Serendipity

  • The whole book's gender-biased. A woman's responsible for original sin. A woman cuts Samson's coif of power. A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist. Read that book again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks.
  • So you were an artist? Big deal. Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. That's why he's the King, and you're a schmuck.

[edit] Others

  • PA Announcer: [at St. Michael's hospital] I repeat: this is not a drill. This is the Apocalypse. Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion.
  • Gun Shop Owner: We call this piece "The Fecalator." One look at it and your target shits him or herself.


[edit] Dialogue

[Metatron's fiery entrance in Bethany's room]
Metatron: Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true...
[Bethany sprays Metatron with a fire extinguisher; Metatron coughs repeatedly and emerges from the smoke in human form as Bethany rushes to her bed and grabs a baseball bat]
Metatron: Ah, Sweet Jesus! Did you have to use the whole can?
Bethany: Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room?!
Metatron: I'm the one that's soaked and she's the one that's surly. That's rich. Stupid fucking Christ.
Bethany: Get the fuck out of here! Now!
Metatron: Or you'll do what, exactly? Hit me with that fish?
[Bethany realizes she's holding a large fish, and drops it in shock]
Metatron: Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up. Jesus wept. Look at my suit!
Bethany: Look, just take whatever you want, but don't kill or rape me.
Metatron: Oh, get over it, will you? I couldn't rape you if I wanted to. Angels are ill-equipped. (Drops his pants to show blank skin where his genitals should be) See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. Now make yourself useful and gimme that towel, will you? (Bethany tosses it to him and he starts wiping his clothes dry) Honestly, you bottom feeders and your arrogance, you think everybody's just trying to get in your knickers.
Bethany: What are you?
Metatron: I'm pissed off, is what I am! Do you go around drenching everybody that comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.
Bartleby: Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of sinning against our almighty God, and I promise you, you shall pay for your trespasses, in blood! (he rips open his shirt to reveal a silver breastplate; to Loki) Wings, now.
Loki: I'm feeling a little exposed here...
Bartleby: DO IT!
Azrael: Get me a... Holy Bartender.
Bartender: Never heard of it.
Azrael: Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?
Serendipity: Don't...
Azrael: Ahh, anybody? No? (Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads) Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender... (pulls out an Uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically) Get it?
Serendipity: [restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared] Sweet Jesus, Azrael, why?
Rufus: Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!
Azrael: Now, now, Apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you. (referring to Bethany)
Serendipity: Are you really that stupid!? You do know what happens if those two jerks enter the church, don't you?
Azrael: I'm actually counting on it! And the pawns are moving into place as we speak...
Jay: [sniggering] Holy Bartender! I get it, that's great!
Bethany: Look asshole, I don't know if anyone's explained it, but if those two enter that church, everything gets blinked out of existence, even you!
Azrael: Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. Did you know that once, Hell was nothing more than the absence of God? And if you'd ever been in his presence, you'd realise that's punishment enough. But then your kind came along, and made it so much worse.
Bethany: Humans aren't capable of one hundredth of the evil a shitbag demon like you is!
Azrael: [furious] Evil...is AN ABSTRACT! It's a human construct! But true to his irresponsible nature, man won't own up to being its engineer, so he blames his dark deeds on my ilk! But it's not enough to shadow his own existence: he turned Hell into a suffering pit! And why?! Because it is beyond your ability to simply make personal recompense for the sins you commit. No, you chose rather to create a psychodrama and dwell in a false belief that God could never forgive your grievous offences! So you bring your guilt and your inner decay with you to Hell, where the hoarded imaginations of so many gluttons-for-punishment gave birth to the sickness that has infected the abyss since the first one of your kind arrived there, begging to be punished! And in doing so, they've transformed the cold and the solitude to pain and misery! I've spent eons privy to the flames, inhaling the decay, hearing the wail of the damned! I know what effect such horrors have on the delicate psyche of an ANGELIC BEING! [calms himself] I'd rather not exist than go back to that...and if everyone has to go down with me, so be it.
Metatron: I am to charge you with a holy crusade.
Bethany: For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.
Metatron: Noah was a drunk, look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey and visit a small church on a very important day.
Bethany: New Jersey? That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.
Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.
Bethany: What's the fine print?
Metatron: [mumbling into glass] Stop-a-couple-of-angels-from-entering-and-thus-negating-all-existence.
Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
Metatron: Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence, I hate when people need it spelled out for them!
Rufus: He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name: wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it.
Bethany: Having beliefs isn't good?
Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea, changing a belief is trickier. Life should be malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant.
Gun Salesman: We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on.
Loki: Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that wrath-of-the-almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this...
Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like.
Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah, I had to do all the work.
Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
Loki: I rained down sulfur, man, there's a subtle difference.
Bartleby: Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
Loki: [defensively] Hey, you know, fuck you, man; any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulfur is like an endurance trial, man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer.
Bethany: McHenry is pretty far from Jersey. Might I ask what brings you guys to Illinois?
Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes.
Bethany: "Sixteen Candles" John Hughes?
Jay: You know him, too? That fucking guy. Made this flick "Sixteen Candles", right? Not bad. It's got tits in it, but no bush. Of course Ebert over here don't give a shit about that stuff, 'cause he's all in love with this John Hughes guy and rents every one of his movies. Fucking "Breakfast Club", all these stupid kids actually show up to detention. Fucking "Weird Science", where this one chick wants to take off her gear and get down. But, ah, no, she don't, cause it's a PG movie. And then there's "Pretty in Pink", which I can't watch with this tubby motherfucker anymore, [gestures to Silent Bob] because every time we get to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little eight-year-old with a skinned knee and shit. And nothing is worse then watching a fat man weep.
Jay: Yo, man, tell me something about me.
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
Jay: Ah, fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys. [walks off]
[a shocked Silent Bob stares at Jay]
Jay: Dude, not all the time.
Rufus: His only real beef with mankind is the shit that gets carried out in His name. Wars, bigotry, televangelism, the big one though is the fractioning of all of the religions. He said mankind got it all wrong by taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it.
Bethany: You’re saying having beliefs is a bad thing?
Rufus: I just think it’s better to have ideas. I mean, you can change an idea, changing a belief is trickier. People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now, because of the Catholic belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence bullshit. Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief. And if they’re successful, you, me… ALL of this ends in a heartbeat, all over a belief.

[edit] Taglines

  • Get "touched" by an angel.
  • It Can Be Hell Getting Into Heaven
  • Faith is a funny thing.
  • Prepare Thyself.
  • Look out Below

[edit] Cast

[edit] External links

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