Drake & Josh

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Drake & Josh, is a sitcom created by Dan Schneider. It stars Drake Bell and Josh Peck. The show debuted in 2004 and ended in 2007.

Contents

[edit] Season One

[edit] Pilot

Megan: [referring to her parents] Ugh, are they done sucking face yet?
Walter: Think fast! [throws basketball at Drake and accidentally hits lamp]
Drake: Lamps don't think that fast.
Drake: [to Josh, who's dressed as Miss Nancy] Why are you dressed like Queen Latifah?!
Drake: You're gonna be my step-father?
Walter: Yep.
Drake: [points to Josh] And YOU!! You're gonna be...? He's gonna be my...?
Josh: [Hugs Drake] Hug me, brotha!
Drake: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!

[edit] Dune Buggy

Drake: You didn't get in trouble for lying. You got in trouble for lying badly.
Josh: [after he spills root beer on the TV and ruins it] I drink root beer. You don't see me explodin'!
Josh: I don't know. LYING. It seems so wrong.
Drake: You wanna get grounded?
Josh: But it feels so right.
Drake: Once again, you were not punished because you lied.
Josh: I know. [mockingly] "I got punished because I lied badly." Sing a new song, would ya?
Josh: Do you want to get grounded and end up moppin' floors like me?
Drake: [mockingly] Would I get to wear that purdy apron?
[Drake has just fixed Trevor's dune buggy]
Trevor: Man, the motor sounds great!
Drake: Yeah. You know where it would sound better?
Trevor: ...In the shower.
Drake: On the road!
Trevor: Better!
Drake: What are you smiling about?
Josh: The great Drake, grounded for two weeks. I love it!
Drake: Yeah, me too.
Josh: Heh?
Drake: Two weeks, laying in bed, no school, playing a little guitar, watching a little TV, you bringing me pizzas...yeah, being grounded is ba-a-ad.
Walter: What else did the doctor say?
Drake: That I should stay in bed and rest for a couple of weeks.
Audrey: Well, that's gonna be easy, cause you're grounded.
Josh: FINALLY!
Megan: [to Josh] I'm telling Mom you drank out of the carton!

[edit] Believe Me, Brother

Drake: Okay, Josh. I admit, it's kinda cute that you have a little crush on Susan.
Josh: She has a crush on me! AND IT AIN'T LITTLE!
Josh: I know when a girl likes me! I've imagined it a thousand times!
Josh: [from inside his dresser, waving his hand around] Can somebody please hand me my underwear?
Josh: We could do a documentary on the reproductive habits of lizards.
Drake: I'm not going to do anything that involves me watching lizards make out!
Susan: Josh, it's not unintentional at all.
Josh: I knew it! [Susan grabs his face and kisses him; Drake walks in the house]
Drake: Susan?!
Susan: EW! Josh, what are you doing? I'm Drake's girlfriend!
Josh: Drake! This isn't what it looks like- wait. [turns around and gets on his knees] Dear Lord, thank you for my first kiss! Amen!
Josh: I'd just like to say, BUSTED!!
Susan: Drake, did you hear what he just said to me?!
Drake: Uh, yeah, I think he just said, BUSTED!!
Josh: [singing] Shavin' in the bathtub! Shavin' in the bathtub! [making electric razor noises]
[after Susan dumps both of them]
Josh: I think we handled that very maturely.
Drake: Yes, that felt good.
[Susan gets paint sprayed on her from her locker]
Drake: ... That felt better.
Josh: Yeah, it did!

[edit] Two Idiots And A Baby

Josh: [dangling from the roof] I deserve this. This is all because I forgot to feed my turtle Sheldon in kindergarten! He went to Heaven, and now my life is bad! [looks up] Ya happy, Sheldon?! We're even now!
Walter: [offscreen] Josh?
Josh: SHELDON?!
[on the phone]
Josh: Goo goo, gaa!
Mrs. Galloway: Aw, he sounds so happy. Hello, little Maxie. Hi!
Josh: Mama!
Mrs. Galloway: [gasps] He said "Mama!" That's his first word! Oh, Max, oh, say it again!
Josh: MAMA!
[Drake winds the singing bear's head too hard that it breaks off]
Josh: I said wind it, not murder it!
[after the phone goes into the fish bowl with Max crying]
Josh: Oh, the baby!
Drake: Oh, the fishes!
Drake: All right. Where is he?
Megan: I think he's dangling in the gutter.
Drake: Not Josh, the baby!
Megan: [innocently] What makes you think that I would have the baby?
Drake: Because you're a divious, twisted little girl.
Megan: [giggles] Why thank you, Drake!



Drake: Rina! Your a girl! You change him (Max)!
Rina: Yeah sure, just hold on a sec. (Leaves the garage. A car screech can be heard)
Josh:...She's not coming back.

[edit] First Crush

Drake: Good luck with Kathy. Remember, she's just a person. I mean girls are just guys without... Just do good.
Drake: Do you want to be honest, or do you want a girlfriend?
Josh: Girlfriend, please.
Josh: I'm not cool, all right? Why do you think old people like me so much?
Josh: It's like girls and I speak different languages. They speak English, I speak Idiot.
Drake and Josh: And the most important thing is to be yourself.
Drake:...Unless you're Josh.

[edit] Grammy

Grammy: I wasn't born yesterday, you know.
Drake: Yeah, no doubt about that.
Scotty: Can you believe it? We made it backstage!
Rina: This is not backstage!
Paul: This is practically jail!
Drake: Those guys are cops!
Rina: Yes! Scary cops who are going to arrest us for having fake tickets, Scotty!
Scotty: Guys, the tickets are not fake.
Drake: Are you sure?
Scotty: I photocopied them myself. What?
Drake: You can't photocopy tickets!
Scotty: Yes, you can! You just put them on the glass, close the liddy thingy and press copy. Any moron could do it.
Drake: No, not just any moron, it takes a special moron, like you!
Josh: Hey, where's Drake with our pizza?
Drake: [offscreen] I cannot believe I ate an entire pizza!
Drake: At least we have a little time before she gets here. Let's have fun while we can.
Grammy: [enters] What, you can't remember to lock the door?
Drake: Wow, weren't those two seconds fun?
Josh: Why are you so mean to Drake?
Grammy: Because I know his type. I dated twelve musicians like him before I dated your grandfather.
Josh: I dont think I want to know about you dating a dozen musical men.
Grammy: Then I won't tell you what happened last Saturday night.
Josh: NOOO, TELL ME PLEASE!!! GRAMMY!

[edit] Season Two

[edit] The Bet

Drake: Last week Josh challenged me to see who could hold his breath the longest.
Josh: We had this contest to see who could hold their breath longer. After two minutes...
Drake: I won.
Josh: I lost...consciousness.
Drake: I was breathing through my nose the whole time.
Josh: Oh, and then there was the milk challenge.
Drake: I bet Josh my allowance that he couldn't chug an entire gallon of milk, but he did it. I lost.
Josh: I threw up.
Drake: He puked.
Drake and Josh: It was worth it!
Drake: Oh, just face it, Josh: you're addicted to video games.
Josh: I am not addicted to them! [grinning] I am in love with them!
Drake: Ooh, look at me, I'm Josh! Playin video games, all day long! girls, no need; I got me a VIDEO GAME!
Josh: Ooh, look at me, I'm Drake! Nutrition? Not for me! I'm gonna have me a big ol' bag of CHEESE BALLS!
Drake: Which you're allergic to.
Josh: [uses a vaccum to suck the cheese balls from his mouth]
Audrey: You were too busy to go get your sister, but you weren't too busy playing video games all day!
Drake: Josh.
Audrey: Or to sit around swallowing 20 pounds of junk food!
Josh: Drake.
Megan: [to Audrey] I keep telling you, they're bad people!!
[Grammy has sent Josh a GameSphere]
Josh: It's a GameSphere!
Drake: No way! The GameSphere doesn't come out for another three months.
Josh: Never underestimate Grammy!
Walter: Whoa, hold on. What's a GameSphere?
Josh: Only the most sophisticating gaming experience ever created by humans! And...it's spherical. SPHERICAL!!
Josh: GameSphere... GameSphere... GameSphere... GameSphere...
Josh: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I HAVE TO PLAY THE GAMESPHERE! IT'S SPHERICAL!!
Megan: All you have to do is sabotage Drake.
Josh: [grins evilly] Sabotage. Josh like!
Drake: Josh, what did you do?
Josh: What do you mean, Drake?
Drake: It's all candy and junk food.
Josh: [matter-of-factly] Yes. I suppose it is!
Drake: But, Josh, how did you--?
[Josh raises big candy cane in front of Drake] Shh
Josh: Don't ask. [eats a piece of candy] Just enjoy.
[Josh tempts Drake with various sweets]
Josh: EVERYBODY LOVES GUMMY BEARS!

[edit] Guitar

Helen: You.
Josh: Me?
Helen: That's your name, isn't it?
Josh: Eighth planet from the sun!
Drake: They have eight now?!
Josh: [to guitar] So I just kept applying the ointment..and eventually the rash went away...
Josh: Do you sell guitars here?
Guy at counter: [sarcastically] Here? At Guitar World? Gee, I don't know.
[Drake is staring at the vintage guitar he just won]
Drake: Josh, I think I'm in love.
Josh: Okay, but if you start makin' out with the thing, I'm leaving the room.
Josh: You got me into this mess.
Megan: I did? [grins] Cool.
Josh: [to a security guard] Would you mind taking me into the back alley and beating me until I lose consciousness?
Drake: Hey, could you stare at my guitar for me? I gotta pee.
Josh: You want me to stare at your guitar...for you...while you pee?
Drake: I could pee in here.
Josh: I'll stare.

(Deleted scene)

Drake and Josh: (Singing) I saw Mercury, then Venus, I saw the Earth, then Mars-
Radio announcer: Guys? Guys! Could you hang up the phone?!
Drake and Josh: (Hangs up the phone. They sigh then decide to go back to their song) I saw Mercury, then Venus, I saw the Earth, then Mars, I saw Jupiter, then Saturn, Uranus, then Neptune and-

[edit] Movie Job

Helen: You made Crazy Steve quit?!
Josh: You hired a guy named Crazy Steve?!
Helen: Had to. Long story. Not pretty. I've been trying to fire him for two months, but he's just so-
Josh: Crazy?
Helen: Mm-hmm.
Helen: Do you have a job?
Josh: No.
Helen: Are you, uh, all right in the head?
Josh: I think so.
Helen: Congratulations. You're hired.
Josh: What?!
Helen: Get to work!
Drake: I like to earn my money the old fashioned way.
Josh: How?
Drake: Selling your stuff on eBay.
Josh: Yeah, right. [finds that his stereo is missing]
Josh: Uh, Drake, where's my stereo?
Drake: Wisconsin.
Josh: Aww...
[after Josh tells Drake that Helen is tough and does not just hand out jobs at the theater]
Drake: Hey, Helen, can I have a job here?
Helen: Sure. Start tomorrow.
Plumber: [going through the drain] Oh here's the problem. You had a beef rib stuck in there. [starts eating it] No, actually, it's pork. [keeps eating] ...Yep. Definitely pork. [keeps eating and chuckles]
[Drake and Josh chuckle nervously]
Drake: MOM!
Josh: DAAAAAAAD!
[After people cause a riot searching for little golden balls Josh hid in the popcorn (finding one would give people free movies for a month)]
Josh: Little golden balls. So much trouble... from such little... golden balls!

(Deleted scene)

Walter: (Talking through objects) Hey, are you the weather man? Not just the weather man. (Audrey and Megan walk in) I'm the SUPERHERO WEATHER MAN!!! (Audrey and Megan just stare at him. Walter turns on the TV)

[edit] Football

[Josh leans against a wall with wet paint. Twice.]
Josh: How 'bout...PAINTIN' ON THE WEEKENDS?!
[Josh arrives home looking very beat up]
Drake: What happened to you?
Josh: Football happened to me. First I got tackled, then I was trampled, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle!
Drake: So...you didn't make the team.
Josh: Oh, I made the team.
Drake: Really?! That's so cool!
Josh: Yeah! My brother, you are looking at Belleview High's brand-new... [holds up a jersey] E-QUIPMENT MANAGER!
[Drake stares at Josh, incredulous]
Josh: ...E-QUIPMENT MANAGER!
Josh: Did you do something to my brownies?
Drake: Oh yeah, Josh, I live to sabotage baked goods.
Zeke: Hey, who are you guys, and what are you doing in my chocolate factory?
Josh: Being at school at night creeps me out.
Drake: Really? That's how I feel about school during the day.
Josh: I'm not ready to die! I haven't seen Paris!
Drake: They eat snails, the people smell bad; you don't wanna go there.
Zeke: Who are you?
Drake: I'm Drake.
Zeke: And you are...?
Josh: Josh.
Zeke: And I am...?
Drake: ...Zeke. ...You're Zeke.
Zeke: ...Right. And you are...?

[edit] Pool Shark

Josh: Hey Drake, wanna take a cooking class together?
Drake: [from another room, in a high-pitched voice] Sorry, Drake moved to Australia.
Josh: That's not even an Australian accent!
Drake: Yes it is...fromage!
Josh: That's French!
Drake: Hey Josh, come play.
Josh: I'm working.
Drake: You're playing.
Josh: ...Okay.
Josh: fork it over !![about the two tough, scary-looking biker thugs he hired to scare Drake] Drake, meet Chip and Ronnie. My old camp counselors.
[laughs]
Drake: [pause] Where did you go to camp?
Walter: [needing a last minute anniversary gift for his wife] Uh, go get her some toothpaste. She's always using toothpaste.
Josh: Dad, there's $200 here.
Walter: Well get her some mouthwash too! ...I'm just a man! [runs away]
[While walking out angrily on Drake, Josh trips and falls]
Josh: I may have tripped...but that does NOT diminish the impact of THIS exit!


Drake: (To Josh, Bends down on one knee opening a case) Will you play pool with me?

[edit] Little Diva

Drake: I thought you were going to get an autograph from Regis.
Josh: I asked. He hit me.
Drake: Yeah, Regis...
[Drake reads the bill Dr. Glazer gave him to look at Ashley Blake, who is unconcious]
Drake: $500?!
Dr. Glazer: I put her to sleep. $500.

[edit] Blues Brothers

Josh: [referring to Megan] Such big evil in such a little girl.
Josh: I hated the fourth grade. It was my awkward stage.
Drake: And this is...?
Drake: Why are you going to be on the news? Did you get locked in the monkey cage again?
Josh: Hey, those chimps tricked me! The big one took my corn dog and, I mean, I had to go in there and get it back! And I'd do it again!
Josh: Some people are just born lucky. I am not one of those people.
Josh: I must be dreaming. Pinch me!
Drake: I'm not pinching any part of you.

[edit] Driver's License

Josh's driving instructor: I hate teenagers.
Josh: Oh yeah, we're the worst!
Josh: [on the phone] Hello? ...Oh, hi Trevor... No, I don't want to see your growth... Look, I don't care if it's still growing. Put it back in the jar!"
Denise: So, Chives, how long have you worked for Drake's family?
Josh: [as Chives] Much too long.
Josh: Drake, we're supposed to be studying for our driving test tomorrow.
Drake: [playing a video game] That's what I'm doing. Ooh, just rammed a dragon! Uh oh, bridge is out!
Josh: I seriously doubt our driving test will involve stealing a bus and ramming dragons.
Drake: Do you know that for sure?

[edit] #1 Fan

Josh: [holding a very large T-shirt] Is this for me or a sport utility vehicle?!
Wendy's answering machine: [Wendy's voice] Hi, this is Wendy. Drake's not here right now. But if he were, that would be so awesome! I love you, Drake! (Pause) Please leave a message. (Machine beeps)


Wendy: Look at it! Drake signed this for me!
Josh: [looks over autograph and frowns at Drake] On the back of my autographed picture of Frankie Muniz?!


Josh: [opens oven] Hello, s'mores! [takes s'mores out without oven mitt] HELLO, PAIN!!
Walter: [Gives Josh his Campfire Kids chief hat] This is for you.
Josh: What're you doing?
Walter: Resigning. You're the new Campfire Kids chief.
Josh: But I don't wanna be the---
Walter: [Shouting] New chief!
Josh: [Nervously] Yes, daddy!
Josh: So Wendy has a crush on you. It's cute. When I was her age, I had a crush on Oprah.
Drake: Oprah?
Josh: She's an inspiration! Anyway, don't worry. This week she likes you, next week it'll be...
Drake: [mockingly] Oprah?
Josh: Don't mock me!

(Josh and the Campfire Kids arrive at the Premiere)

Wendy: So, what movie are we seeing?
Josh: We're not seeing a movie. We're here to learn about the wilderness of navigation. (All the Campfire Kids groan)
Pete: You're the worst!
Josh: (Sarcastically) Thank you, Pete. Okay, so what would you do if someone dropped you of in the middle of nowhere?
Megan: I'd call mom on my cellphone.
Josh: Say you didn't have a cellphone.
Megan: I always have my cellphone.
Josh: The battery's dead.
Megan: I always carry a-
Josh: It's broken, it fell in the lake, a bear ate it, the point is YOU'RE LOST! And all you have is a compass and a topographical map.
Megan: So I have a compass and a topographical map, but I don't have my cellphone?
Josh: That tears it, we're seeing a movie!
Campfire Kids: Yeeeeeeeeah!
Wendy: (To Megan) Where's your brother?
Megan: (Thinking she was talking about Josh) That is my brother.
Wendy: Not him! Drake!
Megan: Why are you always asking about Drake?
Wendy: He's only, like, the cutest boy ever!
Pete: Ahem!
Wendy: Don't you think Drake's adorable?
Megan: I think of him more as a... target.

(Drake arrives home from school, angry)

Wendy: Hey, Drake!
Drake: Don't talk, just listen!
Wendy: Baby, what's wrong?
Drake: You know how much trouble your little fliers caused me?! Everyone in my entire school made fun of me today because of you!
Wendy: They just don't understand our relationship.
Drake: We don't have a relationship! You got it? I'm not gonna sing a song for you, and I'm not your boyfriend! I'm not even your friend! So, just leave me alone! (Drake walks away. Wendy looks sadly at the Campfire Kids)
Pete: So, when's the wedding?

(The Campfire Kids laugh at Wendy. Wendy runs away)

Megan: You know, that wasn't nice.
Pete: Who said I was nice?

(After Josh gets locked in the tent)

Josh: Um, could someone...LET ME OUT OF HERE?!! (Shakes the tent all about) I HATE CAMPING, TOO! I'M CLAUSTROPHOBIC! I WOULD LIKE SOME S'MORES! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!

(After Drake performs a song for Wendy, he and all the Campfire Kids leave the house, leaving Josh still locked in the tent)

Josh: Hey! I wanna go to Chuck-E-Cheddars! Oh, come on, let me out! I wanna whack the mole! Drake, Megan, could I just get some water? (Shakes the tent all about) There's no bathroom in here! THAT'S A PROBLEM!

[edit] Mean Teacher

Megan: [with a tomato launcher] Okay, first we aim...next we load the tomatoes...and now, we wait for the boob and boobyer
[Josh enters the room, and Megan shoots a tomato at him and misses]
Megan: Aw, man! I missed your head. How could I have missed your giant head?
Josh: Okay, first of all, my head is only slightly larger than average. Second-
[Megan shoots more tomatoes, and keeps missing]
Megan: Darn it! I gotta go read the manual.
Josh: Wait, aren't you going to clean this up?
Megan: It's your room.
[she leaves, and Drake enters and sees the tomato mess]
Drake: ...Who exploded?
Audrey: Where are you going?
Drake: Break up with my girlfriend.
Audrey: Have fun.
Drake: So, uh...nice night we're having?
Mrs. Hayfer: I hate you.
Drake: I know.
Josh: [to his date] I forgot whether you'd asked for regular or diet soda, so I went for the diet because you're a model, so you're probably watching your figure...I mean, not that you need to watch your figure, I mean, you have a great body...I mean, not that I was looking at it, I was just...I was just...aw, jeez!
Mrs. Hayfer: Why don't you tell the class your favorite novel from the 20th century?
Drake: Uh, Catcher in the Rye.
Mrs. Hayfer: Wrong.
Drake: But...but you just asked....
Mrs. Hayfer: Wrong!
Drake: But you...
Mrs. Hayfer: Was I speaking to you?
Drake: Kinda!
[Drake knocks at Kelly's door, only to have Mrs. Hayfer answer it]
Mrs. Hayfer: Drake?!
Drake: Mrs. Hayfer?! What are you doing here?!
Mrs. Hayfer: Watching OR and I'm missing Natalin's coenauscopy. What are you doing on my front porch?
Drake: Wait. Isn't this Kelly's address?
Mrs. Hayfer: Wait...YOU'RE the boy who's been dating my daughter?
Drake: You're Kelly's mom!?
Mrs. Hayfer: I'm going to be sick.
Drake: Yeah, right there with you.
Mrs. Hayfer: Drake, what language were Homer's The Iliad and The Odyssy written in?
Drake: Greek?
Mrs. Hayfer: Wrong! Todd?
Todd: Greek?
Mrs. Hayfer: Correct!
Drake: [Drake hits the answering machine] Ah, I can't take it anymore! I'm gonna make that girl break up with me tonight!
Josh: You already tried that, and it didn't work.
Drake: I know...but...I need...something...like [stares and points at Josh's shirt] That shirt
Josh: My shirt???
Drake: Your shirt!
Josh: No! You don't even believe in it's lucky powers!
Drake: Yea I do!!! You got video games, gold jewelry, a date with a model, you life's not that good! [points at the shirt] This shirt is possessed!
Josh: I prefer enchanted.

[edit] The Gary Grill

Josh: You made my customer leave.
Drake: So, who cares?
Josh: I do. Helen's been all over my butt to sell more snacks.
Drake: Uh, you really shouldn't use the words 'butt' and 'snacks' in the same sentence.
Josh: [annoyed] HEADACHES!
[Gary Coleman is about to confiscate their new translucent chair]
Josh: Please, can we keep the chair?
Gary Coleman: Have you sat in it?
Josh: Yeah.
Gary Coleman: [in disgust] Keep it.
Cop:[interrogating Drake and Josh] The description said that two caucasion males were seen at the site.
Drake: See, there you go! We're not caucasion, we're white guys!

Drake:Couch meet butt butt couch

[Josh has discovered that Jerry is wearing his pajamas]
Josh: [to Drake] What, is he wearing my underwear too?
Jerry: No, I don't wear underwear when I sleep.
Josh: Okay then. Three words: KEEP...THE PAJAMAS!
Megan: [to Drake] Oh, and if you ever pick me up and kiss me like that again, you're going to wake up breathin' through a tube.
Megan: Look at him, boobin' it up out there!

[edit] Honor Council

Walter: You have been known to 'act out'.
Drake: Like when?
Walter: You drove the lawnmower into the living room.
Drake: By accident!
Audrey: You filled our swimming pool with lobsters.
Drake: To make money!
Walter: Should I mention the stink bomb at my sister's wedding?
Drake: Oh, come on, even you hate your sister!
Mindy: I think when you were a baby, your mother dropped you on your head, then fed you a bottle of Stupid Juice, then sucked your brain out with a vacuum.
Josh: Oh yeah, well...oh yeah, well...oh yeah?!
Mindy: Good comeback, Josh.
Josh: OH YEAH?!
Mrs. Hayfer: Well, Drake....this isn't easy for me to admit, but I was wrong. I'm sorry.
Drake: Oh, thank you.
Mrs. Hayfer: I still hate you.
Drake: I know.

(Deleted scene)

(A girl from the jury gets up from her seat and runs up to Drake)

Girl: Drake's innocent, and cute!
Drake: Who are you?
Mr. Thompson: Please take your seat.
Girl: Free Drake! Free Drake! Free Drake! I love you. Bye! (Runs back to her seat)
Mindy: Okay...

[edit] Season Three

[edit] Helen's Surgery

Josh: I've lost my sightless loopy boss!



[edit] Paging Dr. Drake

Josh: [as Dr. Vichy-swaz] I kissed your wife!

[edit] Theatre Thug

Megan: (She and Josh enters Drake and Josh's room) I so don't want to do this!
Josh: Come on! Just work with me for ten minutes!
Drake: What are you guys doing?
Megan: He wants me to help him rehearse his lines for FBI's Most Wanted.
Drake: (To Josh) Dude, you are taking this acting thing way too seriously!
Josh: I just want to be good, alright?
Drake: It's acting, you show up, you say some stuff, you go home, anyone could do it.
Josh: Okay Megan, when I walk through the door, just react naturally to what I say. (Leaves the room) Megan, you ready!?
Megan: Wait, let me go over my line. (Looks at her script) What? Okay, I'm ready!
Josh: Drake, yell action!
Drake: (Unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar) Action.
Josh: (Walks through the door) Where's the money?
Megan: What?
Josh: Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! (Megan giggles) Oh come on! You can't giggle!
Megan: You said to react naturally. You tried to act tough so naturally I laughed.
Josh: Okay, don't react naturally, act the way you would if I was a big scary robber. (Leaves the room) Drake!
Drake: (Unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar) Action.
Josh: (Walks through the door) Where's the money?
Megan: What?
Josh: Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing!
Megan: There's a cop behind you.
Josh: (Turns around) What cop? (Megan pushes him through the door and locks it) Megan! Open this door! Fine! I'll just bust it down! (Tries to do so, but fails and falls to the floor. Drake and Megan laugh)

[edit] The Demonator

Josh: Uh oh. I just had a bad thought.
Megan: What? That you might grow old, never marry, and die alone?
Josh: No... But thank you for pointing out that possibility.

[Craig and Eric are watching Papa Nichols, who is sleeping]

Craig: Drake said he'd be asleep all night.

[Papa Nichols wakes up]

Papa Nichols: Ohh, where am I?
Eric: He's disoriented.
Papa Nichols: What did you call me?
Eric: Oh. Nothing, sir. I...
Papa Nichols: What have you done with the rest of my unit?
Craig: What does he mean his unit?

[Papa Nichols picks up his slipper]

Eric: I guess it means he's back in World War II.
Papa Nichols: [uses his slipper as a walkie-talkie] General Patton, sir. I've just been captured by two German nerds.
Eric: Oh, no, no, no, no, sir. We're not Germans.
Papa Nichols: That's just what a German would say.
Eric: No, no, no. You don't understand...
Papa Nichols: No, no. You will not capture me. [conks Eric in the head] Never!
Craig: Eric. [Papa Nichols takes him and swings him over the couch] Aaaaahhhh!
Papa Nichols: U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A., U-S-A! U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.

[Craig and Eric are at home, looking for Papa Nichols]

Eric: [looks out the window in the living room] Papa Nichols?
Craig: [stands up behind the counter in the kitchen] Papa Nichols.
Eric: Papa Nichols?
Craig: Papa Nichols.
Eric: World War II is over.
Craig: And we're not Germans.
Eric: We're honor students.

[Craig comes out of the kitchen]

Craig: Why is he hiding from us?
Eric: Well, I guess he's confused with all that medication they gave him after his surgery.
Craig: Well, where could he be?
Papa Nichols: Aaaaahhhhh!

[Craig and Eric look up as he falls from the ceiling and lands on top of them]

Papa Nichols: [gets up and points at them] U.S.A, U.S.A, U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.

[Eric is upstairs in Drake and Josh's bedroom]

Eric: [sees a couch with some pillows on it, covered with a bedspread and thinks Papa Nichols is on there] Craig, I found him! He's upstairs!

[Craig is downstairs]

Craig: Ohh, thank goodness!
Eric: Papa Nichols. Papa Nichols, are you feeling better? [pulls the covers from the couch, but Papa Nichols wasn't there]
Papa Nichols: Aaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!

[he traps Eric in a pillow case]

Eric: Aah! Craig! Craig, help me!

[Craig hears Papa Nichols attacking Eric] [Papa Nichols takes Eric, who is trapped and throws him out the window]

Eric: Aaaaahhhh!
Papa Nichols: [takes his slipper and once again uses it as a walkie-talkie] General Patton, I just found another one!

[he salutes, then leaves]

[Papa Nichols ties Craig and Eric to chairs] [he picks up a broom]

Papa Nichols: All right, for the last time. What have you done with Colonel Bradford?
Craig: We don't know.
Eric: We're not Germans.
Craig: We're from Lawndale.
Eric: Actually, I'm from North Lawndale. You see, City council...

[Eric's cell phone rings]

Papa Nichols: What's that noise? Where's it coming from?
Eric: My shirt pocket.

[Eric's cell phone continues ringing] [Papa Nichols takes it from Eric's shirt pocket]

Papa Nichols: What's this? Is this some kind of weapon? Are you two from the future?
Eric: No, that's just my cell phone.
Papa Nichols: It's a trick. INCOMING!!!!!

[throws Eric's cell phone at the wall and it breaks]

Eric: [gasps] Oh, no! He ruined my picture phone! It had all of our vacation photos on it.
Craig: From Niagra Falls? Aw, man.

[Craig and Eric are trying to get the rope off themselves]

Eric: I almost got it.

[they are finally out of the rope]

Craig: We're free!
Craig and Eric: Yeah!

[they escape, but Papa Nichols is in their way]

Papa Nichols: [screams]

[Craig and Eric scream and run away from him and sit back down in the chairs] [he ties them back up]

Craig and Eric: We're sorry, we're sorry, we're sorry, we're sorry, we're sorry.

[Drake, Josh and Megan come home from Mystic Mountain]

Josh: Ohh, we made it.
Drake: 2 minutes before 11:00.

[Drake and Josh see Craig and Eric tied to chairs]

Josh: Why are Craig and Eric tied up?
Eric: Because your great-grandfather went berserk. That's why.
Craig: He's an animal.

[Josh unties them from the chairs]

Eric: And I'll tell you something else.

[he picks up his broken cell phone]

Eric: You guys are gonna buy me a new cell phone!

[edit] Alien Invasion

Drake: (Singing and playing a blues tune on his guitar to annoy Josh) Oh, cranky Josh, he's gettin' so cranky, so very cranky, now he's breakin' things, write to the pencil repair man, he knows what to do...
Josh: Will you stop with the improvisational blues tune?!
[Megan is scared that aliens might eat her face]
Josh: Megan, there's no such things as aliens.
Walter: And if there were, they wouldn't just eat your face; they'd eat all of you. [everyone stares at him] Well, why would they stop at the face?

[edit] Megan's New Teacher

Megan: (To Josh) Everybody hates me because of you!
Drake: (Thinking Megan was talking to him) I wanted one piece of cake!
Girl: I couldn't figure it out, so I asked my mom to help me.
Josh: And?
Girl: She couldn't figure it out, either. So, she asked my dad, and then he got mad and went to a motel.

(While breaking into school, Drake throws a rope out for Megan)

Drake: Okay, Megan, I'm in!
Megan: (Walking through the classroom door) Yep, me too.
Drake: How did you get in?
Megan: Through the front door. It's a school, Drake, not a bank.

(After Josh gets fired from his teaching job)

Megan: Strike three and you're out.

[edit] Foam Finger

Josh: Are you...are you copying my answers?
Drake: No...I'm just comparing your answers with the answers I'm about to write.
Drake: You calling me a liar?!
Josh: I ain't calling you a truther!
Josh: You want a mouth full of fist?!
Drake: You want a butt full of foot?!
Audrey: So, how was school?
Drake: [to Josh] You're the worst!
Josh: [to Drake] You sicken me!
Audrey: I see.
Josh: I hope you go bald!
Drake: I hope they cancel Oprah!
Josh: [stands up] Take that back!
Josh: Theres no poor litle girl. Why would a dying British orphan be at a Padres game?
Drake: What are you doing in MY room?!
Josh: This is the livingroom. And uhhh *points at himself*..LIVIN!

[edit] The Drake and Josh Inn

Drake: It's fun locking Josh in closets.


Megan: LISTEN, TO ME!


[edit] We're Married

Josh: Me and Yooka decided to see Puppet Fever instead.
Crazy Steve: Well, that's going to be a little problem. See, when you asked me to find that movie for you, I spent 5 hours on the phone tracking it down, and talking Helen into letting me screen it for you, so now that I've done all that, SOMEBODY'S GOING TO BE WATCHING ICK GLOKMAH TONIGHT, OR ELSE SOMEBODY'S GOING TO BE AN ORGAN DONOR BEFORE THEIR 17TH BIRTHDAY, JOSH NICHOLS!!
Josh: How dare you marry my e-woman?!

[edit] Season Four

[edit] Josh Runs Into Oprah

Josh: This is my worst birthday ever!
Drake: Is it because you ran over Oprah?
Josh: No, because it's a little hum--YES, IT'S BECAUSE I RAN OVER OPRAH!

[edit] Vicious Tiberius

Mrs. Hayfer: Drake! You were supposed to write your essay of current events.
Drake: That´s what I did.
Mrs. Hayfer: No, this is just the newspaper of this morning with your name written in the top of it... with crayon.
Drake: Well, I think there is nothing more current than that. Right, Josh?
Josh: Please, leave me out of this.
Mrs. Hayfer: You know what it means, Drake?
Drake: An "F"?
Mrs. Hayfer: That's a question you always get right! And Drake, guess what?
Drake: What?
Mrs. Hayfer: I hate you.
Drake: I know.
Josh: Why is it so much fun to watch cheerleaders fight?
Drake: Don't question it, love it!

[edit] Mindy Loves Josh

Mindy: I love you.
Josh: [shocked] See you in chemistry. (Closes the door) DRAKE!!


In Drake and Josh's room:

Drake: Two for two.
Josh: [runs in] Drake!
Drake: [pulling back the sling] Not now. I'm busy.
Josh: Mindy just told me she loves me!
Drake: [shocked, accidentally releases his sling and hits Josh's eye] What?!
Josh: OH! [falls down to the ground]
Drake: Hurry!
Josh: [typing on the computer] Okay, we'll go to, uh, whatswrongwithmybody.com.
Drake: Whatswrongwithmybody.com?
Josh: I had it bookmarked. And we'll go to skin, disease, green, hands- [looks at Drake's hands] gross.


Josh: Sifolic acid can be found in the urine in most lizards.
Drake: Okay, so I just got to stick my hands and feet in- [reads the computer again] lizard urine?

[edit] Who's Got Game

Josh: I never give up before I embarass myself.
Carly: Can I help you find a CD?
Drake: Seriously...
Carly: Huh? Seriously? I'm not familiar with that band. Why don't you check in the S section?

[edit] The Storm

Craig: Can I please take a break?
Crazy Steve: YOU WILL TAKE A BREAK WHEN DORA FINDS HER WAY TO THAT BANANA TREE! COME ON, DORA, IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE! ABRE LOS OJOS! COME ON!!
Crazy Steve: COME ON, DORA! ANDALE! ANDALE! MAS RAPIDO! YOU CALL YOURSELF AN EXPLORER?!!
Crazy Steve: COME ON, DORA! YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE MAP! DON'T ASK ME!!
Crazy Steve: COME ON, DORA! IT'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!
Craig: [Breaks the crank] It broke! The crank broke!

[edit] Quotes

Josh: You're the best, you know that?
Drake: Well...yes.
Josh: [waiting for surgery] Oh, they're going to carve me up like a Christmas ham!
Megan: [referring to Josh] Such a small brain in such a big boob.
Drake: You hear that? It's saying, [holds $200 bill like a hand puppet] "Spend me, Josh. Won't you spend me?"
Josh: [snatches it from him] Money's not a puppet!
Drake: Hey Josh, come here.
Josh: [walks over] Yeah?
Drake: Check out this family picture.
Josh: What about it?
Drake: I look good.
Botanist: I've got a big date tonight.
Megan: Dinner with your mom?
Botanist: ...Yes.
Helen: Drake Parker, I love you like the son I never wanted.
Josh: I needed to ask Drake about our homework.
Drake: I don't do homework.
Sammy: You can help me with my homework.
Drake: I don't even do my own homework!
[Drake and Josh find monitors in Megan's room]
Drake: I wonder what this button does. [presses a button; Josh gets shocked by a buzzer hidden in his trousers]
Josh: So THAT'S why that's been happening! I thought it was puberty.
Megan: See? It's fun to use your brain.
Josh: Have you ever been in Megan's room before?
Drake: Once, when she was five.
Josh: And?
Drake: She pushed me out the window and told Mom I fell.
Josh: [takes the phone from Megan and shoves it down his pants] Now, you may have the phone back after we're done talking to you.
Megan: I wouldn't want that phone back if I were dying on the kitchen floor.
Helen: Josh! Why aren't you working?!
Josh: It's my day off.
Helen: Oh, and so you think that's an excuse not to be working?!
Drake: Hi, Helen.
Helen: WHAT IS IT?!
Josh: You know I have a spastic tongue.
Drake: How many spastic parts can one person have?
Josh: Seven.
Josh: Look, we had $200, alright? ...Which you promptly threw away on bubblegum, a wristwatch, a telescope, and a Mexican robot!
Drake: Aw, come on, man, this is cool! [presses a button]
Robot: Me llamo Roberto Roboto.
Josh: Yeah, that is pretty cool.
Robot: Gracias.
Drake: Josh, I'm in serious trouble!
Josh: Whose girlfriend did you hit on now?
Drake: You're kind of a girl, right?
Mindy: Well if not I've been buying the wrong underwear.
Josh: I'm not much of an actor.
Director: Neither is Jennifer Lopez.
Josh: True that.
Drake: What's acting? You show up, you say some stuff, you go home.
[Drake and Josh are frantically searching for Megan, thinking she's up to something]
Drake: See her anywhere?
Josh: No, but that's when she's most dangerous!
Helen: [to Josh] You have upset me in ways I can't even understand, boy!!
Mindy: You can't end a relationship with a phone call.
Drake: Duh, I'm gonna text message her.
Mindy:(Refering to Drake's ex-girlfriend) You got jealous when you saw her with other guys, so to make her jealous, you...
Drake: Put a stinkbomb in her backpack!!!
Megan: I'm studing astronomy.
Drake: Ah. The study of stars and planets.
Josh: [sarcastically] Yes. It's exciting to know things!


Drake: I wonder what ketchup would taste like on a foot.
Drake: [carrying a skeleton] Where do you want the dead guy?
Josh: [seeing Drake kissing a girl] Drake?
Drake: Yeah?
Josh: You just met her and you're already kissing?
Drake: I gave her a soda.
Megan: So when are the lobsters gonna be done?
Drake: Yeah, I'm hungry.
Josh: I do not control the speed at which lobsters die!
Megan: Listen to me. If either of you get on one of my nerves this weekend, you'll both wake up tomorrow very confused...in Cuba.
Megan: Wanna help me with something?
Drake: I can't, I'm doing my homework.
Megan: You're watching TV.
Drake: Oh, well that explains why I'm failing math, doesn't it?
Josh: [referring to Drake] He pees...near the toilet!
Josh: [on Helicopter] What kind of help are you going to bring back- a dive team to locate my corpse?
Drake: I'm not going to risk getting grounded again. Do you know what it's like going two weeks without girls?
Josh: [shakily] ...Yes...Yes I do.
Drake: ...Oh, that's right. Sorry.

[edit] Movie: Drake & Josh Go Hollywood

Josh: Can I ask your opinion on something serious?
Megan: Is this about your rash?
Josh: No!


Audrey: [on why she won't go on a cruise] Boats sink.
Walter: It's not a boat, it's a ship. And ships don't sink.
Audrey: Tiiiiiiiiiiitanic.
Walter: That was just a movie.
Audrey: Based on a true story!
Walter: ...For real?
Josh: Where were you?
Drake: I told you, I went to go get a corn dog.
Josh: It took you more then an hour to get one corn dog?!
Drake: I also had a drink.
Megan: Do you ever clean this car? It's full of garbage.
Drake: Hey, everything in this car is very important to me!
Megan: [holding up dead bird] Like this dead bird?
Drake: Aw, Tweeter died!
[after airport security had arrested Drake and Josh]
Officer: I hope you boys learned a very important lesson on how seriously we take airport security.
Drake: Oh, we learned... Especially during that strip search.
Josh: ...Which was shockingly thorough.
Officer: We do our best. Have a nice day. [to Josh] And good luck with that rash.
Josh: [angrily] Yeah, thanks.
Megan: Excuse me? I think the captain made a mistake. This plane is going to Denver, right?
Attendant: No, we're in route to Los Angeles.
Megan: Los Angeles?
Attendant: Yes.
Megan: ...Not Denver?
Attendant: No.
Megan: ...Those dumb boobs.
[The flight attendant looks down her shirt in confusion]
Drake: Okay, let's go and get Megan!
Josh: Okay, but first...
Drake: What?
Josh: I gotta pee really bad.
Drake: Well, can't you hold it?
Josh: Yeah, I... [strained] No!
Josh: I can't believe we're on the run in a stolen vehicle!
Drake: Look, it's not stolen! We just borrowed it.
Josh: STOLEN!

[edit] Merry Christmas, Drake & Josh

Judge: But! I have a but(butt)!
Drake: (Chuckle)He said he had a butt.
Josh: Shut up.
Crazy Steve: The cow goes moo! I was trapped in a refrigerator! I take special vitamins!
Little Boy: When is Santa going to be here?
Crazy Steve: Well, I don't know, but I'll bet you old Saint Nick's going to be here real soon.
Woman: Excuse me, I distinctly ordered a diet root beer, and this tastes like sh-
Crazy Steve: I AM TALKING TO CHILDREN!!!!
Crazy Steve: HEY! WHAT'S UP, D AND J? GETTING READY FOR THE PARADE?
Drake: Yeah, positively.
Crazy Steve: OKAY, WELL I'M JUST REMINDING YOU GUYS THAT YOU NEED TO GIVE THEM THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER IF YOU WANNA STAY OUT OF JAIL!
(last scene of the series)
Drake: So?
Josh: So?
Drake: Yes or no? Is this the best Christmas you ever had?
Josh: It will be, after THIS! (throws snow at Drake)
Drake: I'm gonna get you, Nichols!
Josh: Bring it, Parker! (the two chase each other around)

[edit] Major Cast Members

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