Drawn Together

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Drawn Together (2004–2007) is an adult animated Comedy Central television show that spoofs reality TV shows, especially The Real World and The Surreal Life.

Season 1[edit]

dog

Hot Tub [1.1][edit]


Spanky: Can you believe this kid? He's on the phone all day with his old lady!
Captain Hero: Dude, I don't blame him. The talent here is pretty weak, man. I mean, sure I'd stick and stir any one of these broads, but I really wish we had one of those hot black chicks.
Foxxy: Bling, bling! Foxxy's in the house!
Captain Hero: Whoa, I'm pretty good at this! I wish we had a twelve-year-old girl and a donkey! [Camera shifts from the door to Captain Hero several times; nothing happens] Damn.

Foxxy: You know this vote is total crap. She was totally into it! You saw us tongue bangin'!
Captain Hero: Sorry, Foxxy. But if I vote you out now, I'll be one step closer to the million dollars.
Foxxy: Million dollars? You know this ain't one of those kind of shows, right? There no prizes!
Captain Hero: [In confessional] Silly Foxxy, she'll never win the million dollars with THAT attitude.

Foxxy: Now, what was that bitch thinkin'? Foxxy ain't a slave to nobody... nobody but the rhythm!

[Lyrics to Some Black Chick's Tongue]
Clara: What is this thing in my mouth?
It's slippery and its slimy
Traveling down my slender virgin pink esophagus
Some black chick's tongue,
It's such a new sensation.
Foxxy: I got a mayonnaise momma on my licking hole, oh yeah, Foxxy's gettin' some.
Clara: It's really quite thrilling.
Foxxy: That's right now, you know.
Clara: I think I taste a filling.
Foxxy: And it's solid gold.
Clara: Never dreamed I'd be so willing to let myself go.
Foxxy: Tell me about it, I'm totally frenchin' a racist ho!
Clara: This black chick's tongue. What a wonderful feeling.
Foxxy: Damn, where'd this bitch get her earrings?
Clara: I've never had so much fun.
Both: As with this black chick's tongue.
Captain Hero: How cool is this? We've only been here a day and I already find myself in a three way

Spanky: [laughing] Oh my God! She thinks you're our servant, 'cause you're black! Ha ha, this is the best day of my miserable life! SWEET! I love racism!

Toot: Sometimes I cut myself to relieve the pain. Hee hee hee! Toot!

Spanky: I call dibs on the cat-fight. [Spanky starts urinating on Foxxy and Clara's cat-fight dust cloud] [as he sheds a tear] Why must I ruin everything beautiful?

Captain Hero: Hey, pig! Great news! Foxxy just bought us an insane amount of alcohol! [pause] Captain Hero: Are you defecating into a cantaloupe?
Spanky: [farts and craps] Uh... this is awkward. I guess if I just waited an hour, I could've chalked this one to the booze, huh?

Captain Hero: Dude, you are so whipped. How many lives have you spent on this "girlfriend," anyway?
Xandir: 8,293,506 - not counting Quad-Forces and power-ups.
Captain Hero: Well, the way I see it, she keeps getting kidnapped on purpose. I see it all the time, chicks just want me to swoop in, fondle them and save them, but of course, by the time I get there, they're totally fine or already dead. Either way, there'll be some serious fondling!

Clara: [on phone with the producers] I was totally violated! I want Foxxy Love gone! [garbled phone speech] I don't know if a tequila brunch would help... I guess it's worth a try. [last night's events are sped up with everybody wearing sombreros] That was a horrible idea! I was totally violated... again! I want Foxxy Love gone!

Toot: I'm Toot, I'm a sex-symbol
Xandir: I'm Xandir. I'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend!
Toot: Girlfriend?! You have a girlfriend?! When were you gonna tell me about this girlfriend?!
Xandir: But, we just met, like, two seconds ago?
Toot: Oh yeah? Well, can your stupid girlfriend do this?
[Toot dances The Charleston, shaking the house due to her weight]
Captain Hero: Save yourselves! [Flies out of the house]

Blue Ball: [In confessional] usually, Clara looks to us for advice, but this time it came from Spanky. And it was a good thing too, because I was going to ask her to shoot the president.

Foxxy: I never met anybody who didn't wanna kiss Foxxy...except...maybe Papa.

Spanky: I saw Princess Clara with tears in her eyes. Man! Nothin' reminds me of my first time like a chick cryin'!

Captain Hero: [in confessional] I tell ya, ever since that kid set foot in the house, all he's said is, "I'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend!"
Xandir: [in various flashbacks] Where are the paper towels? / Oh, no! I think my watch is broken. / Grapes are fun!
Captain Hero: Dicks. [Leaves confessional]

Toot: If I can't be the sex symbol, then I can definitely be the BITCH!!!

Ling Ling: Ling-Ling kill you slowly and use your skull for sex, and a decorative bird house.

Wooldoor: What a cute dog! Want a bone, fella?
Ling-Ling: [In confessional] Ling-Ling no dog! Ling-Ling here to destroy all, and to give children seizures!

Spanky:[In confessional] We gathered up in the living room to vote Foxxy out. To be honest, I was totally looking forward to voting that hot, black chick out. Oh, wait a minute, not... not voting, I mean "eating".

Clara: Foxxy, I want to apologize.
Foxxy: Oh, you can apologize... by shut the fuck up!

Wooldoor: [after the fart bubble he's in pops] I'm free! Ha ha! I'm free! I'm free! I'm free! I'm free! Wait, my immune system! I'm not strong enough to live outside the bubble! [starts to crumble and screams]

End Credits Bonus: Captain Hero waits for a 12-year-old Girl on a Donkey

Clara's Dirty Little Secret [1.2][edit]

Captain Hero: Toot made us all realize that we may not have a lot of time left. So, I decided to write down my innermost thoughts in a journal. Here's an excerpt: "I don't know how much longer I can last. Papa says that when I get out, I can have a new dress. When will I have my first dance, my first kiss?"
Spanky: What are you doing?
Captain Hero: These are my dreams! Mine!

Toot: What happens in fairy tales after the princess has her first kiss? Hmm?
Clara: She runs away with a sexy one-eyed pirate who loves as fiercely as he lives.
Toot: Not that fairy tale, food-for-brains! The other one!
Clara: Let's see. They live happily ever after in a castle with a couple of... kids! Oh my God, I am pregnant!
Ling-Ling: [in Japanese gibberish] Oh my God, the sink's full of dirty dishes again.

Prince Charming: [after firing off a gun] I just wanted to see if this thing worked, before I blew my charming brains out!

Spanky: I, for one, am not just going to wait around to be swallowed by a giant vagina! [thinks for a minute] Huh? Oh... wait, no, no, no.

Ling-Ling: Know what you can do? DO YOUR OWN DISHES, ASSHOLE!!
Captain Hero: Ling-Ling's right! We must kill the beast.
Captain Hero, Toot, & Xandir: KILL THE BEAST!
Spanky: Misinterpret Ling-Ling!

Captain Hero: Ahoho, we fell for the old 'neck-sprain well-lit pie' diversion.
Xandir: Brava, Foxxy. Brava.

Clara: You guys can't tell anybody about my secret, and I'm afraid I'll need you to keep your silence with a pinky swear.
Foxxy: I pinky swear.
[they look at Toot]
Toot: Ugh! Fine, I swear too.
Octopussoir: I pinky swear.
Captain Hero: [knocks on door] Clara, Toot told us that you have a monster for a vagina and we want to have a house-meeting about it.
Clara: How is that even possible? [stares at Toot]
Toot: Oopsey-Tootsey. I couldn't help myself.

Captain Hero: Now, I normally don't listen to women, or my doctor, but Clara's story gave me a special feeling in my lumpy, lumpy testicle.

Clara: They all hate me, Foxxy. It's like I've turned into some kind of freak.
Foxxy: Oh, come on, now. These things usually have a way of working themselves out, just like the time everyone found out you had a monster vagina between your legs.
Spanky: Clara, this isn't easy to say, especially to a friend, but we've come to kill your vagina.

Captain Hero: Sorry, Foxxy, but that vagina is dead meat-- curtains!

Foxxy: When you was a little girl, your evil stepfather placed a curse on your vagina?
Clara: What?! Weren't you paying attention? My evil stepmother... Mother! ...placed a curse on me!
Toot: (to Foxxy) Uh-DUUUUUUUHHHHHH!!!

Spanky: It's like my grandfather always said: It's not what's on the outside of a vagina that counts, it's what's on the inside

Gay Bash [1.3][edit]

Captain Hero: [in the confessional discussing the reward the housemates have just received] I thought the sewing machine was pretty lame, but someone was happy about it. [short pause] You know I'm talkin about the queer, right?

Xandir: All my life I've had one purpose: to be on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend. But, now that I'm gay, I have no purpose. I wish I were dead.

Ling-Ling: Thank you, Spanky-san, for giving Ling-Ling honor in hat form!

Clara: Xandir, instead of killing yourself, maybe you can just...stop being gay?
Foxxy: Clara, that's just stupid! Homosexuality is something yo born with, like red hair or a dead twin

[Xandir has locked himself in the bathroom having found out that he is gay, whilst Foxxy, Clara and Spanky try to coax him out].
Foxxy: [knocking on door] Xandir, please come on out. It's totally cool that your gay, stop beatin' yourself up!
Clara: Seriously Xandir, it's not your place to punish yourself, it's God's!
Xandir: [in the bathroom] Leave me alone! I'm taking another gay test!
Foxxy: What? The only test in there is a pregnancy test!
Xandir: Oh, great, now I've got two problems.

Producer: [over speaker] House-guests, please report to the living room.
Wooldoor: [in confessional] Since we'd gone 5 days without a hate crime, we were rewarded with a new household item! I sure hope it's a new stereo, ours is getting old.
[cut back to living room, a pterodactyl is being used to make a turntable play the 'Drawn Together' theme tune in the manner of The Flintstones]
Pterodactyl: [squawking] It's a living.
Producer: [over speaker] Roommates, we have decided to reward you with...
Captain Hero: Come on, television...
Producer: [over speaker] ...a brand-new, 36-inch, plasma...
Captain Hero: Boo-ya!
Producer: Sewing machine!
Captain Hero: [annoyed] Boo-ya.

Foxxy: C'mon Xandir, we all know you're gay. You don't have to keep living a lie. You know, I used to say I weren't black, I just tell everybody I fell into a vat of chocolate pudding.
Wooldoor: [licking Foxxy's foot] You mean this isn't pudding?
Foxxy: Did I tell you to stop licking?!

[Xandir, Foxxy and Wooldoor are in a bedroom performing the Gay Test. Foxxy is asking Xandir questions from the test].
Foxxy: OK, question 1: you gay?
Xandir: No!
Foxxy: Question 2: homo say what?
Xandir: First of all Foxxy, I'm not an idiot! OK, I've heard that one like a million times! And secondly...wait, what?

Toot: Of course Xandir's gay, why else wouldn't he be attracted to all this?
Wooldoor: 'Cause you're fat! And nobody likes fat chicks! Wheee!

Xandir: Dare I say it? I am Xandir and I am on a never-ending quest to save my boyfriend!

Xandir: Good-bye, cruel world! [dies and comes back] Good-bye, cruel world! [dies and comes back] Good-bye, cruel world... this could take a while.

Lord Slash'n'Stab: Hahaha! I will steal this lamp for no particular reason! Hahaha!

Toot: [to Xandir] Damnit Xandir, the noise! You're keeping us all awake! Can't you kill yourself more quietly like Bizarro Captain Hero did?
[They look at a body that is hanging from a tree]
Captain Hero: Uh... yeah. Killed himself. Of course. Tragic.

Pac-Man: [lisping] Oh, my. Isn't this juicy? Does your girlfriend know?
Xandir: Listen, Paccie, I know my girlfriend is best friends with your ex, but there's no reason that Ms. Pac-Man has to know I'm gay.
Pac-Man: [puts on a bow] Oh, sweetie... I think she already knows.

Bizarro Captain Hero: [at Xandir's gay bash] Oh, hello hello Captain Hero, I not seen you since initiation into League of Heroes.
Captain Hero: [grabs Bizarro Hero] Zip it! What happens in Bizarro World, stays in Bizarro World.
Bizarro Captain Hero: Well, technically, bathroom at bus station not considered Bizarro World.

Captain Hero: Oh, c'mon! If you're in a bus station, and they're selling postcards for Bizarro World, you have to assume you're in Bizarro World, right? I mean, am I crazy?

Foxxy: Tell me the first thing you see. [pulls out Rorschach ink images of; a rooster,]
Xandir: Cock. [ Willie Nelson,] Willie. [an Asian man,] Wang. [ Woody Woodpecker,] Woody. [same image,] Wood. [same image a third time,] Pecker. [a medieval catapult with ink lines,] Blue-veined custard chucker. [a Welshman with an eye patch doing a jig,] One-eyed wiggling Welshman. [a banana wearing a helmet and aiming a gun at a donkey's anus,] Pink-helmeted, milk-shooting man-banana plunging into the hole of an ass!

[Ling-Ling shows his bloody hands]
Spanky: I know, Ling-Ling, what you need is some good old-fashioned positive reinforcement. You can do this. [starts whipping Ling-Ling] You're special because you're you! There's two I's in Ling-Ling! Just do it! If you can seave it, you can achieve it!

Foxxy: Call her. Your girlfriend deserves to know you love mangina.
Xandir: Foxxy was right. She did deserve to know. And I do love mangina.

Clara: So Xandir finally found a new purpose and a new love, and like all fairy tale endings, I'm sure he'll live happily ever after... until God casts him into the fiery pits of Hell, of course. But until then, he'll be happy.
God: That Clara is such an asshole. I love the gays! Come on, they're adorable! And calling hair gel "product"? That's just fancy, that's what that is! [a penis appears out of nowhere] What the...? Hello. You're a funny fella. [sniffs the penis] What's your name? [pokes the penis]

[After Hero complains that the prize is a sewing machine]
Wooldoor: [talking to Captain Hero] Gee Mr. Hero, we can always sew a television.
Spanky: That has to be the dumbest thing I've heard since I taught those special ed classes. But...seriously, those kids try hard.

Genie: Look, buddy, there's lots of gay reasons to live. I myself enjoy the ballet, grapes and snerf-nurgling cranollas.
Clara: Wait, you mean, you're a gay too?
Genie: Uh-DUHHHH!

Requiem for a Reality Show [1.4][edit]

Spanky: Just get her royal heiny to sing again. I'll trap the critters, and we'll eat like dingoes in a maternity ward!

Clara: My friends! They're all dead! DEAD! BECAUSE OF YOU!
Wooldoor: What? I am so sorry!
Clara: I thought you were my friend!
Wooldoor: I am your friend!
Clara: YOU'RE A MURDERER!!
Wooldoor: [hugging Clara] I know! I know! Are you as turned on as I am?
Clara: WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY?!?
Wooldoor: I'm sorry. It's that when I'm terrified I say the craziest things. [pause] Can I borrow five bucks?
Clara: Just go, Wooldoor! In my room, my purse is in the top drawer. In it, there should be like five or ten dollars!
[Wooldoor leaves, sobbing.]

Clara: [singing] Bullies are people who hate themselves.
Abused at age six, or molested at twelve.
So they pick on others, isn't it odd?
Because their real quarrel is with God.
Who's afraid of a bully?
Wooldoor: Me.
Clara: Not me. [singing] For there are much better things to be frightened of.
Like people of color and gay homo love.
So stand up to the bullies, stand tall and true!
Just like Jesus stood up to those misguided Jews.
Wooldoor: Wow, you're right!
Clara: Now who's afraid of a bully?
Wooldoor: Not me! No, not me!
Clara: When you stand up to that bully --
Wooldoor: He'll flee!
Clara: Oh yes, he'll flee like the pathetic, insecure, cowardly loser he be!

[after Wooldoor stands up to Spanky while singing Clara's song]
Spanky: [singing] He's not the only one who can sing from his heart,
I have the feelings inside that... Oh, fuck this shit! [walks off]

Foxxy: The considerable alternative is anorexia. All the benefits of bulimia with none of the mess.
Toot: Does it really work?
Xandir: Of course it works! All you have to do is make sure to look in the mirror every day and see yourself as ugly and obese no matter how much weight you lose.
Ling-Ling: Then everyone's happy.

Foxxy: Bulimia is very destructive. To our personal property, bitch!

Xandir: Toot, we all know you're bulimic. We don't know how you got started down this horrible road.
Toot: But you're the one who showed me how to--
Xandir: All that matters now is that we get you to stop.

Xandir: Poor Toot was feeling fat and sad. It was up to me to help her feel better about her disgusting, revolting, and hideous body.

Toot: I was so happy. With an endless supply of food, I could finally fill the loveless void inside me. Hee hee hee, Toot!

Clara: For the food competition, we were split into two teams. The winners would eat like kings, but the losers would get no food at all, and surely starve like Mexicans.

Ling-Ling: Ling Ling wake up inside land whale. Nothing to do. Only sex with chicken.

Foxxy: We'll always have Paris. That's what we called it when I smashed his penis with a lead model of the Eiffel Tower.

Captain Hero: I've never bowed to any villain, or any Asian person, even though it's the polite thing to do. And I won't bow to Foxxy!

Captain Hero: My super stomach was super dissented. So I put away my pride, and my mildly amusing elephant underwear, and returned to Foxxy

Foxxy: It seems that every week my team gets the easiest challenge. It also seems that every week I blow the producers.

Spanky: When I don't eat, I don't crap! And when I don't crap, I don't eat!

Spanky: Just do it, or you'll be lying at my feet in a pool of your own blood! In my urine! Which also has blood, but it's MY BLOOD!

Spanky: Hand over the chipmunk and nobody gets hurt. Except of course the chipmunk, which gets gutted, eaten, and eventually passed.

Captain Hero: I never check myself. Not for you, not for ticks, and not for melanoma!

Captain Hero: Our team had to invent a low-carb cure for polio before the other team could put an egg in a bucket.

Toot: Hello, I'm Toot Brownstein. I play Toot Braunstein from the popular reality show, Drawn Together. In this episode, we poorly dealt with eating disorders.

The Other Cousin [1.5][edit]

Ling-Ling: [In confessional] Ling-Ling so want visit from father. He great warrior/dry cleaner. He coined classic phrase... "No ticky, no washy."

Captain Hero: I know I should have been more mad with Spanky, but I just won 50 bucks!

Captain Hero: Bleh, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Bleh: "Contrived, manipulative, and shamelessly sentimental" raves Peter Travers from Rolling Stone.

Captain Hero: We come from two different worlds. I come from the planet Zebulon and you came from a mom who drank when she was pregnant.

Clara: What's a Bleh? Is that one of your jive words like "emancipation?"

Captain Hero: Damn! Clara's cousin is so hot! [his nipples harden]
Spanky: Yeah, she's, like, retarded hot! [his nipples also harden, followed by four additional ones]

[Captain Hero notices there is a dart in his neck]
Captain Hero: What the...
[cut to Clara holding a blowpipe]
Clara: Just a little added protection. You get the antidote when I get my Bleh back.

Xandir: It just didn't make sense. When we licked Ling-Ling last time we got all fucked up, but this time nothing happened. Well, we got a little aroused... but not fucked up!

[After Bleh leaves]
Spanky: You OK, man?
Captain Hero: No, I don't think I'll ever be OK
Spanky: Hey, I'm sorry, man. Wanna to grab a beer? Spin it and kiss whoever it points too?
Captain Hero: No. Not right now
[pause]
Spanky: How about now?
Captain Hero: Yeah, all right.

[Captain Hero, Spanky, and Wooldoor are playing "Spin the Bottle" and when Captain Hero spins it lands on Wooldoor]
Wooldoor: WHEEEEEEEEEEE!
Captain Hero: Hey! If you're going to be gay about this, you cant play!
Wooldoor: Sorry.

Captain Hero: Clara totally had it all wrong. Bleh was an adult, and perfectly capable of making decisions on her own...or not.

[Xandir and Toot kiss Ling-Ling again, nothing happens]
Xandir: Why isn't this working?!
Toot: Maybe we have to eat Ling-Ling.
Xandir: Why is it that when something doesn't work your first reaction is to eat it? [flashback to Toot eating the TV] Toot! What are you doing?!?!?!
Toot: I couldn't find the remote...

[poking Ling-Ling with a stick]
Xandir: Look at me! I've become the very thing I hated most!
Toot: A guy who pokes things with sticks?

Captain Hero, Spanky, Wooldoor: Triple kiss!

Captain Hero: Yes, I was confident that by the end of the night I'd have another notch on my utility belt and fifty bucks in my pocket, but then, I realized something. Bleh, she was really special, but not in a retarded way. In a traditionally special way.

Spanky: Well, nice work, Captain Hero. Here's the fifty dollars I bet you to have sex with Bleh. [Clara gasps] Oh, I mean here's the fifty... dollars Captain Hero won off me because I bet him he would not have sex with your special cousin, Bleh, but he did, in fact, have sex with her... for fifty dollars. Whew. Saved it.

Terms of Endearment [1.6][edit]

Captain Hero: Foxxy, what's the matter?
Foxxy: There's a ma-hazzle, Captain He-zazzle
Captain Hero: I'm sorry, Foxxy. I don't speak Blackanese.

Clara: You're in a wheelchair. Society no longer values you.
Spanky: Yeah, and even if they did, you don't even where they've taken Foxxy
Captain Hero: We're all on a reality show, uh-duuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!

[Spanky challenges an unconscious Foxxy to a game of Win, Lose or Draw.]
Spanky: [showing a drawing of the promotional poster for Jaws] You know this one! It's a movie! It's about a hideous, remorseless beast!
Toot: Time's up
Spanky: It's Yentl! YENTL! YOU SUCK!

[Captain Hero is trying to use a cane with his mouth to get an orange juice container]
Clara: Do you need help with that?
Captain Hero: No, I’ve got to learn to do things for myself now [He spills the container on his pants] Damn, now my pants are all wet!
Clara: But the container didn’t even open.
Captain Hero: I know…

[Wooldoor, dressed as a doctor scans Foxxy until he finds a problem.]
Xandir: What is it, doc?
Wooldoor: My dear house mates, I'm afraid Foxxy Love does not have a brain tumor. [the other housemates breathe a sigh of relief.] I too would be relieved, if it didn't happen to be ... OPPOSITE DAY!!!
[dramatic music string]
Clara: Wait a minute, I'm confused. Does Foxxy have a brain tumor?
Wooldoor: No.
[dramatic music string]
Toot: What the hell? Is it opposite day, or "dramatic music string day"?!
Wooldoor: Neither!
[dramatic music string]

Wooldoor: Boys and girls...the brain! [the other housemates get out notepads.] This is the part of the brain that controls your reflexes. [touches the brain and the patient's leg lifts up.] This is the part of the brain that controls your bladder. [touches the brain again and blood squirts up from the patient] Man, that guy needs to see a doctor.
Spanky Ham: Why, is red pee bad?
Toot: What the hell does this have to do with Foxxy?!
Wooldoor: I'm getting to that! This is the part of the brain that controls negative stereotype behavior.
[He touches the brain once and the patient lifts up.]
Male Patient: [As a Jewish stereotype] Oy! I'll sue you for every penny! And then I'll invest it wisely

Wooldoor: You ask me if I have a God complex? I am God.

[After the soldiers have taken Foxxy]
Spanky: Captain Hero, do something!
Captain Hero: I can't...I gave up my powers! NOOOOOOOOO!

Captain Hero: Follow me! [sees a set of stairs] NOOOOOOOOO! [sees another set of stairs] NOOOOOOOOO! [sees yet another set of stairs] NOOOOOOOOO!

[After Hero manipulates evolution and creates people made entirely of boobs]
Captain Hero: I just realized... I'm an ass man. NOOOOOOOOO!

Toot: "Tumor?" "Racism?" Dr. Wooldoor, are you just making up words again, like "morbid obesity" or "adult-onset diabetes?"

Clara: You know, at first I was uncomfortable with the idea of showering with another woman, but then the producers forced me.

Captain Hero: Damn it, people, Foxxy's in trouble! Now is the time for us to stand up--or remain courageously seated--and be the heroes I know we can be! Now who's with me? [nobody reacts] [annoyed] There's an Orange Julius along the way!

Clara: How dare you look at us naked with your X-ray vision!
Rhino: Seriously, how dare you! I'm leaving. By which I mean the planet! Unless things change, people. Unless things change...

Spanky: [about the racially-stereotyped Native Americans in one cell] Now, see, that's not funny. Those people got a raw deal.

Spanky: Don't you see? These cartoon characters are a part of our heritage, our history. Sure, they be a part we're not particularly proud of. But to deny it...well...that's just dangerous. Almost as dangerous as denying Holocaust, or slavery, or the playful advances of your shop teacher.
Mickey Mouse: [sympathetically] You've really given me something to think about Spanky. [evilly] While I kill these politically incorrect freaks! [laughs manically as he activates the conveyor belts with the stereotypes]

Dirty Pranking Number 2 [1.7][edit]

Xandir: You got the tickets to the zoo?
Captain Hero: What? I thought you had them! [Xandir holds up the tickets and they laugh] Oh, Xandir, trick me like that again and I'll fucking kill you.

Pizza Man: May this life bring you the happiness it has so consistently denied me.

King: I'm doing this for your own good. You need to stay away from a.) this house...
Clara: Well then, I guess this is goodbye. [the doorbell rings] Well then, I guess that's the doorbell. [the pizza man shows up at the door] Well then, I guess that's the pizza man.
King: What the hell do you want?!
Pizza Man: Someone ordered the pizza.
Spanky: That would be me. No one puts baby in the corner.

Bodyguard: Hear ye, hear ye! The King is about to barge in unexpectedly!

Clara: Please, Spanky, give me a second chance. Didn't you get one when you were given that dead teacher's liver?
Spanky: You're right. [takes a bottle of liquor] Here's to second chances! [chugs the bottle]

Wooldoor: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the Clock Tower. [cocks a sniper rifle]

Spanky: I'm sorry, I don't remember ordering this pizza... [opens the box, and a turd is in it] with sausage!

Clara: Lately, I feel like there's something missing.
King: Did you check the colored girl's room?
Clara: No, I mean there's something missing in my life
King: You are a princess, uh-duuuuh!
Clara: I know that, father, but I long for so much more
King: Of course you do, that's because you're a princess, and that's what princesses do-- they long for more. Or die in a car-crash in France.

[While Clara and Spanky are pulling the prank with the pizza man]
Foxxy: Oh, I've seen this a million times. Daddy's little girl falls for some bad boy, and then she go and get herself pregnant and sells the child on the black market to pay the bills. [sad voice, with tears in her eyes] Poor little Timmy. Mommy misses you.

Spanky: [In confessional] The princess was so excited, I figured I give her a chance and call the pizza-man. That was a big mistake. I mean, it wasn't as big a mistake when I converted to Islam in August of 2001, but, still pretty big.

Clara: [In confessional] What a fiasco. The pizza would be here in thirty minutes or less. And with Foxxy's hands still stuck in her hair, she was more useless than a Mexican.

Spanky: Little game? Did you just say "little game?" The travel size edition of Battleship, that's a "little game." Screwing around with the pizza man, that's a way of life, my friend!

Toot: Blah blah blah! I'm Captain Hero and I can fly! And I...
Captain Hero: Do you mind, fudgy? I'm on the phone!
Toot: I don't care. I gotta call my AA sponsor!
Captain Hero: [in a girlish voice] I said I'm on the phone!

Captain Hero: Go to the mall? Is that some kind of gay code? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Xandir: Sometimes I think Captain Hero cares more about those boots than our friendship. I bet they never slew the Man Troll on Rainbow Mountain. I said "slew," right?

Clara: Father, what happened?
King: On my way home, I was carriage-jacked! [everyone in the room gasps] They took everything! My crown, my jewels, but not my innocence... No, I lost that a long time ago when I was but a naive prince who would do anything to please his jousting instructor. Anything.

King: Now, Clara, do you promise to stay away from that boyishly handsome pig?

Foxxy: Here's how it's gonna go down. I'm gonna finish my hair. Spanky, you order the pizza. And Clara, you go into the confession room and tell the camera how you never felt so aliiiiiivvvve.
Clara: [In confessional] My first naughty prank! I've never felt so aliiiiiivvvve!

Xandir: And where have you been? I walked that entire mall all by myself.
Captain Hero: Oh, was that today?
Xandir: Yes, that was today!
Captain Hero: Sorry. I had to restore peace to the Middle East. Again. Boy, those Muslims are kooky, man! I mean, have you read that Koran? It's mostly knock-knock jokes

Xandir: You used to care about me... about us.
Captain Hero: What?
Xandir: You used to say I was pretty.
Captain Hero: No, I didn't.
Xandir: You used to dress up for me.
Captain Hero: Just that one time

Captain Hero: I figured, what the hell. Make the gay kid happy. Besides, I know a certain pony-less superhero who had a few choice words for Mr. Claus.

King: Oh, Clara, how could you? I trusted you... [In confessional on the TV] I can't believe my daughter deliberately disobeyed me. She left me no choice, I had to care her home
Clara: [To the TV] No, father, no!
King: [In confessional on the TV] And then Clara protested, but my mind had been made up.
Clara: Father, talk to him.
King: Oh no, I'm not getting in the middle of this!

King: Clara, what are you doing?
Clara: I am laughing, Father. Laughing!
King: My goodness, you are! I've never seen you so happy.
Clara: Because I've never been so happy.
King: Oh Clara, that is all I've ever wanted for you. Who knew it was dooting on pizza that would make you so happy?

[Lyrics to This Is Our Version]
If so, it's supposed to be
Just like the song in Dirty Dancing
The one where they talk about having the greatest time
While they set the dirty dance floor on fire
So, this is our version, though
The chords are not quite the same
And the melody is different
It's even kinda lame
But hell, it's the best that we could do
We had to make something fit
So given the scene, it's fitting
If it sounds like...
[the song stops abruptly when Clara starts to defecate on the pizza; the last word is apparently "shit"]

The One Wherein There Is A Big Twist [1.8][edit]

Foxxy: But if we don't fight, or drink, or fuck, or suck, or jerk, or three-way fuck, or necro-fuck-philia, then the Producers won't have no show to show.

[the girls have just finished watching the Jesus movie they made]
Foxxy: That was great! So now what? We go door to door and give out free copies?
Clara: Free? Are you nuts? We can sell these at ten bucks a pop and rake in the cash as a new wave of anti-Semitism sweeps the country... Wait, was that not the challenge?

Foxxy: Now Foxxy Love did not want a riot to break out. Even though she sho' could use a new TV set!

Toot: Before coming on this reality show, how many times have you guys really been in a Mexican standoff?
Clara: Oh, what a cute name for it!
Wooldoor: Twice!

Bucky Bucks: I am Bucky Bucks, eccentric billionaire. The producers have sent me here to announce a competition, the winner of which will help me run my billion dollar empire.
Clara: Bucky Bucks?
Foxxy: Billion dollar empire?
Spanky: Parody of The Apprentice?

Foxxy: Now, I didn't like the Jell-O wrestling idea, but the producers gave me a golden opportunity, and just like that necklace some fool left on Clara's dresser, I'm gonna take it.

Toot: Ugh! You were just gonna leave that there? Bitch, pick it up!
Captain Hero: Fuck you, fatty foopah!
Toot: Pick it up or I'm sending you back to hell! [pulls a gun at Captain Hero]
Clara: All right, Toot, drop your weapon! [pulls a gun at Toot]
Xandir: No, you drop it! [pulls a gun on Clara]
Spanky: Nobody holds a gun to my girl, but me! [also pulls a gun on Clara]
Wooldoor: All right!! Let's fucking do this!!! [has a lot of mulitiple arms with guns, knife, etc. pointed at everyone but himself] I'm not afraid to DIE!!!!! [sprouts yet another arm with a gun pointed at himself]

Toot: Let's blow this goddamn house to bits!!

Xandir: We went to a children's hospital and had them put their faith in the Lord instead of those silly pills and potions.
Bucky Bucks: Very nice. How about you guys?
Clara: We made 617 million dollars.
Bucky Bucks: [to Xandir and the rest of his team] Wow, you guys got your asses whipped!

Bucky Bucks: Xandir, I can't help but think this is all your fault.
Xandir: What?! But I'm a Certified Air Traffic Controller with Ten Years of experience!
Spanky: I heard Gay Traffic Controller, with Gay Years of experience! [high-fives Captain Hero]
Bucky Bucks: Spanky brings up a good point.

Toot: Like the unfortunate head of a boy with a pituitary gland disorder, my army was slowly growing!

Captain Hero: The Pillsbury Doughbroad is right! [pokes Toot in the stomach]
Toot: Hoo-hoo!

Captain Hero: Oh my god! We're trapped? I'm, like, totally freaking out! I wish the Green Lantern was here! He always knows how to relax me... [rubs his nipple suggestively]

Xandir: We're all gonna die!
Captain Hero: I guess it really is gay over! [high-fives Spanky]
Spanky: Yeah!

Toot: Cut me, Ling-Ling, cut me. [Ling-Ling takes a razor to Toot's leg] Ahh...

Foxxy: Now, we're not blowin' up anything. Some of the greatest leaders in history like Gandhi, Doctor King, and Rocky IV to a lesser extent, achieved the possible through non-violent means.

Foxxy: That's right, Producers! We figured out your little game. Mama didn't raise no fool! And Papa didn't raise me at all!

Foxxy: Toot, I know nobody has ever said this to you before, but you was right.
Toot: Uh, DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Toot: Nobody throws me face-first into Jell-O but ME!

Xandir: [repeated line] What is going on?

End Credits Bonus Feature: The Housemates were crying during the song I Wanted You To Know

Season 2[edit]


The One Wherein There Is A Big Twist, Part II[edit]

Captain Hero: [In confessional] With my superpowers, I could easily have saved my housemates, but I couldn't react. WHY? Because I smoke marijuana. Still think drugs are cool?

[Scorpion appears]
Xandir: You're from Mortal Kombat? I'm from a video game too! So tell me, what's your special move?
Scorpion: [performs his Spear move on Xandir] GET OVER HERE! [performs a Head Rip Fatality]
Announcer: Fatality!
Xandir: [comes back] Impressive! My special move is the reach-around!
Scorpion: Oy vey.

Wooldoor: I want Sweetcake out of the house now!
Spanky: [sarcastically] Wah, wah, wah, she slaughtered my family!

Captain Hero: Well, the real crime here is that nobody's banged her yet, am I right? [Short pause] I'm not gay.

Clara: Can we talk about how great our new roommate is? She’s, like, so great!
Xandir: To Sweetcake, for making us prove that we're all replacable
Captain Hero: And to the teeniest ass you can tap without setting off an AMBER Alert.

Strawberry Sweetcake: Foxxy Love? What are you doing here?
Foxxy: You think you the first barely legal chick to tie me up and eat my friend right in front of me?

[after the helicopter has crashed]
Spanky: [to Captain Hero] Well, this, like Xandir in a room full of fat China men, blows chunks.

Spanky: How old are you, Strawberry Sweetcake? 8?
Strawberry Sweetcake: More like 18, silly-willy! I just taste 8.
Spanky: She's so legal!

Strawberry Sweetcake: You can't spell Slaughter without laughter!

[Lyrics to Shit Sandwich]
Clara: You dreamed of A-list parties.
Xandir: A talk show on late night.
Spanky: But those dreams burned up...
Captain Hero: Like a concert with Great White...
Ling-Ling: And you're like a club owner without insurance.
Foxxy: It's a huge shit sandwich.
Wooldoor: And you have to take a bite.
Clara: It's a huge...
Xandir: Shit...
Spanky: Sandwich...
Captain Hero: And you have to take a...
Foxxy: Big ol' steamin' bite...
Wooldoor: Of the shit sandwich.

Foxxy: Wilma, tell us about you, girl.
Wilma: I'm the kind of person who uses an armadillo for an iron, a pterodactyl for a record player and a prehistoric worm for a tampon.
Worm: It's a living.

Islander: Wow. I have not seen that much fish-eating since Lilith Fair come to island. [cut to another native making a rim shot]

Islander #1: We are completely out of virgins!
Islander #2: Then we must sacrifice something else! Like our sluts!
Islander #1: Absolutely not! I gave that beast my daughter! I will not give it my wife! [to his wife] That's right, honey. I know. I've always known.
Islander #1's Wife: What do you expect? You don't touch me anymore.

Toot: I don't want my new friends to think I'm ungrateful, but when people promise to keep Toot well-fed, they goddamn better keep Toot well-fed!

Xandir: Looks like you'll be spending a choco-lotta time behind candy bars!
[Slight pause]
Clara: [quietly] Goddammit, I hate you.

Foxxy vs. The Board Of Education[edit]


Spanky: Hey Xandir, do you know what job you'd be perfect for?
Xandir: Basket weaver?
Spanky: No, Director of Homo-land security. [laughs as Captain Hero walks in] Hey Cap, guess what I told Xandir?
Captain Hero: That he should be Director of Homo-land security?
Spanky: How'd you know?
Captain Hero: You told me like five times now, plus I've always said he's the right man for the job. [In confessional] If you fatcat's up in Washington had the guts to appoint someone who thinks outside the box!
Announcer: Paid for by the committee to elect homos.

Cop: You don't have a mystery-solving license?
Foxxy: Child, I didn't even go to college.
Cop: Well then, we're gonna have to let this guy go.
Foxxy: But he's a child molester!
Cop: A licensed child molester.

Foxxy: Foxxy Love is went to college!

Spanky: Die or gay marry a Homo, I didn't know what to do, but I tell you what... You decide America!

Foxxy: I tried to study up for them SATs, but it became abundantly clear that this was just another conspiracy to keep the black man down... like swimming.

Foxxy: This whole test is racially biased! Question one: "What SPF lotion would you use if your were going down to the polo grounds, fellow Klan member?"
Clara: [With tan rings around her eyes] Oh, you don't need sun block if you got your clan hood on. Everyone knows that, Foxxy.

Ling Ling: Talk to honorable hand, honorable face ain't ristening.

Clara: What is this unholy abomination?
Wooldoor: Hi Clara, you're just in time to witness a fake gay marriage for the health insurance.
Clara: What? If gays get married, the institution of marriage will be destroyed! Societies will crumble! Rivers will run with blood! Nazis will once again ride on dinosaurs!
Spanky: I'll take care of this. [to Clara] Hey Clara, there's a Jew outside trying to poison a well!
Clara: Aaaaaagh! Oh my God! [runs to well] Get away from that well, Hebrew!
Jewish Man: What? I'm putting in water purification tablets!

Timmy the Paper Baby: (in the confessional) Someday, when I grow up, I'm gonna be an origami swan. You'll see! A big, beautiful, origami swan. So FUCK YOU.

Clara: Come on, Spanky is not gay. If he's so gay, let's see him do the hat dance.
Spanky: You're thinking of the Mexicans, the gays have the butt sex.
Clara: Well then, let's see you do that.
King of Insurance: Oh yes, please do!
Spanky: Goddammit, I should have done the hat dance...

Spanky: Marriage isn't about having sex, ask any married person!

Board of Education:[Singing] I am the Board of Education
Here to serve the interest of our nation
But keeping kids learning doesn't fetch much of an earning
So to make some decent money something had to be done.
[Speaking] Being the genius that I am, I combined two time-honored American methods of achieving wealth: selling stupid stuff to suckers and exploiting the black man.
[Singing] Now we make countless millions
Off the worthless crap that black folks buy
From their very first gold tooth
Down to their pimped out rides
Huge medallions, tacky blings,
No one would buy those things
Unless there was a way to keep them gullibly dumb
So we keep them out of college.
It's what needs to be done.
[Speaking] So you see why we can't let blacks pass the SATs? No educated person would spend money on gold rims, purple leather seats, and flip-down LCD screens for $3,000 Geos.

Little Orphan Hero[edit]


Xandir: Come on, Hero; you’re not the lamest superhero ever. Now come on out of the dumpster
Captain Hero: No! This is where my eema wanted me to be.
Xandir: Hey, what would Five for Fighting do?
[Captain Hero starts humming a Five for Fighting song]
Captain Hero: You’re right. Five for Fighting wouldn’t sit in this dumpster feeling sorry for themselves, no, they’d get out of this dumpster and prove to their eema and their pop-pops that they aren’t lame!
Xandir: That’s the spirit! The Five for Fighting spirit!

Captain Hero: I needed to phone home, and that's exactly what I would do as soon as I was done playing with my new sex robot
Robot: [In confessional] N-O means N-O. Why doesn't he just remove the chip that makes me feel pain?

Captain Hero: Thank you unborn baby whale. You were as helpful as you were delicious.

Clara: [In confessional] The producers told us that we must start a business of our choosing. I wanted to have a bake sale, but the stereotypes had other ideas.
Xandir: Let's open a hair salon!
Foxxy: Oooh, we could shine shoes!
Ling Ling: I say full-release massage parlor that serves wok-fried puppies!
Toot: LET'S EAT POTATO SALAD!!!
Clara: [In confessional] Finally we all agreed...
Housemates: A suicide hotline!

Foxxy: [In confessional] Goddamn white producers with they goddamn white flashes! They can edit us to make us say whatever they want. My [flash] taint [flash] is [flash] made [flash] out [flash] of [flash] bacon. STOP IT!!! Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. My taint, 100% pure bacon.

Captain Hero's Mother: Captain Leslie Hero! You thought this would prove you're not a lame superhero?!
Captain Hero: Mom, don't call me Leslie in front of Two-Hands!
Captain Hero's Mother: The doctor was right! You are SO lame!
Captain Hero: I'm not lame!
Captain Hero's Mother: Yes! Yes you are! [rips his posters off the wall]
Captain Hero: Please, Mom! Please don't do that! Don't be mean to me!
Captain Hero's Mother: I'm not being mean to you. You're just too lame to say it!
Captain Hero: You don't know what I can do, what I'm gonna do and you don't know! You don't know who I'm gonna be! You don't know how good I am! I have good things and you don't know it! Like I'm gonna be somebody, and don't tell me I'm not! [runs off crying]

Foxxy: Chil', what is up with Captain Hero? Lately, he's been an emotional wreck. [we see Captain Hero in various emotional moments] Maybe he ran outta his superpower potion, if you know what I mean.

Toot: We order Zebulonese take-out all the time. You love the deep-fried Zebulon eggs. [eats an egg]
Captain Hero: I never put the two together.

Foxxy: Those goddamn cunt shit dumbass piss fuck meatball dick cock motherfuckers!

Clara: A suicide hotline! This is going to be so much fun!
Foxxy: No it ain't! Remember how you got bored with them pit-bulls you adopted, and then I had to find them a new home with them Muppet Babies? [Cut to two Pit-bulls attacking Baby Kermit and Baby Fozzie, with one of them raping Baby Scooter] And I do not wantz to be responsible for no stupid-ass suicide hotline.
Toot: Aw, come on, Foxxy, this time it'll be different. We'll stick with it. [everybody cheers]
Voice: [off-screen] I lit a homeless girl on fire.
Foxxy: What the...? That's horrible! Who said that?
[the housemates look at each other]
Voice: [off-screen] Fire's happy now.

End Credits Bonus Feature: The housemates go "Yip yip yip" around the telephone.

Captain Hero's Marriage Pact[edit]

Unusually Flexible Girl: I missed you more than a retard misses the point.
Captain Hero: What do you mean?

All talking at a rapid pace
Foxxy Phat: He ain't lookin' at you Love.
Foxxy Dark: He wasn't lookin' at yo fat ass.
Foxxy Yella: What did you call me?
Lil' Foxxy: Step off!
Foxxy Love: Bring it!
Foxxy Phat: Girrrrrl!
Foxxy Dark: Drop it like it's hot!
Foxxy Yella: Can I get a witness!?
Lil' Foxxy: Holla!
Foxxy Phat: Hey hey hey!

Foxxy Love: [to other Foxxy's] Hold up! Foxxy's, ain't y'all tired of people thinkin' we has-beens? Now I know thangs were said, feelings was hurt, kidneys were shived, boyfriends was anal licked, braids were cut and fetus' were abducted but if we put aside our differences and work together, we can make it back to the top!
[We then see all the Foxxy 5 in orgies in various places, with Lil' Foxxy jumping up to kiss the others]

Captain Hero: [In confessional] there was no way I was marrying that crazy chick! The only thing this superhero is married to is his work. And possibly a Filipino transvestite in Albany. Oh, that was one crazy Yom Kippur!

Captain Hero: I just wanted her because I couldn't have her, and now that I have her I don't want her. It's just like that time I was all excited to catch herpes.

Unusually Flexible Girl: After the wedding, we can move in with my mother Unusually Jewish Woman and you can go into my father's business!
[Captain Hero breaks wind]

Wooldoor: This is so wonderful, now everybody's happy!
[Cuts to Ling Ling outside with a party set up. No-one is there except a sad Ling-Ling]
Ling Ling: This worst birthday party ever.

Captain Hero: Well, Wooldoor, duty calls
Wooldoor: Wait, are you gonna sleep with her or are you gonna make a poopy?
Captain Hero: If all goes well...both

[Foxxy finds that she has accidentally run over the rest of the Foxxy 5 after a night of drinking]
Foxxy Dark: Foxxy...
Foxxy Yella: Why you do dis to us Foxxy?
Li'l Foxxy: Why yo run us over?
Foxxy Phat: Hey hey hey.
Foxxy: [picking up the phone] I need to call an ambulance! Oh girls, I am so sorry. I never should have been drinking and driving. Tat is the last time I mix liquor and beer and cough syrup and Kool-Aid and Grape Kool-Aid and Lemon Pledge! [In confessional] And this time I mean it!

Foxxy Love: [In confessional] Foxxy Love was finally back! And like those assholes that died on top of Mount Everest, I intended to stay there

Spanky: You made it!
Foxxy Love:: [after seeing herself on the television] Oh my god, I'm on the picture square!

Captain Hero: There you are, you charming, little simpleton; tell that crazy girl I am not marrying her!
Wooldoor: I'm not comfortable doing that.
Captain Hero: Would you be more comfortable if I broke your arm in 3 places then wrapped it in $100 bills?
Wooldoor: Are you threatening me... or bribing me?
Captain Hero: What an insulting accusation! Take that back before I rip out your spleen and drive you to the hospital in your BRAND NEW CAR!

Captain Hero: Don't make me kick your ass!
Wooldoor: Don't make me suck your dick!
Captain Hero: Don't make me cuddle you like a baby!
Wooldoor: Don't make me suck your dick!

Clara: Have you noticed that we haven't been getting any screen time this week?
Toot: Well, duh; that's because we've been in the basement all week making this awesome potato gun!

Foxxy: I couldn't believe everybody thought I was yesterday's news. Sure, the Foxxy 5 ain't had a hit in 20 years, but our message is still fresh: Have lotsa unprotected sex and defeat the Soviet Union.

Captain Hero: [In confessional] Now that I was free from the suffocating grip of Unusually Flexible Girl, I was able to sit back, laugh and enjoy watching Wooldoor ruin the rest of his life.

Captain Hero: Oh why, oh why, did I break it off with Unusually Flexible Girl? This was the biggest mistake of my life. [In confessional] Even bigger than that unfortunate incident with that trick-or-treating kid. Why would you dress like Aquaman when you can't breathe underwater?

Xandir: See, now didn’t that movie cheer you up?
Captain Hero: No, but, thanks for trying, buddy
Xandir: I know, why don’t you just tell her how you feel?
Captain Hero: I’ve got an idea! [whispers into Xandir’s ear]
Xandir: I’m not sure how putting dead people in zoos will help you get your old girlfriend back...

Clum Babies[edit]


Ni-Pul: I have a crazy thought. Now, bear with me: What if instead of battle, we just fuck?
Ling-Ling So you're suggesting we drop metaphor and Ling Ling stick his crispy noodle in your duck sauce?

Clara: Don't worry Jesus, I shall stop this abomination before it saves the life of countless millions!

Captain Hero: [In confessional] the club was jumpin', and Ling-Ling was surrounded by babes. But, somehow, we got stuck hanging out with Ling-Ling's lame friend, Steve from Long Island

[After Foxxy proposes that the Bible is open to interpretation]
Bob the Cucumber: ENOUGH FUCKING TALK!! IN THE NAME OF GOD, PUT THE FUCKING CLUM BABY DOWN!!

Foxxy Love: That's just retarded! What if God invented clum babies because he wants Clara to live?
Larry The Tomato: But the bible says--
Spanky Ham: Yeah, the bible says lots of things. But not very clearly.

Wooldoor: Aaah, this feels so good! Now I see why Captain Hero does it all over the pool-table late at night when he thinks no-one is watching

Foxxy: [In confessional] so I took it upon myself to teach Wooldoor how to get it on with his bad self. And all you horny college kids: Now would be a REAL good time to flick off the lights, grab some lotion, and pull out a big ol’ box of tissues!

Foxxy Love: [In confessional] Spanky and I convinced Wooldoor yo use his magical clum babies to help those in need. Foxxy was finally gonna fulfil her dream of buyin' a million dollars' worth of lotto tickets!

Larry the Tomato: We're not here to fight, we're here to sing!
Veggie Fables: [singing] God is watching everything you do
Bob the Cucumber: [singing] When you get undressed or take a shower
Larry the Tomato: [singing] When you touch yourself for hour after hour
Veggie Fables: [singing] God is watching everything you do
And He thinks you're a nasty, naughty nympho slut!
You sinful filthy whore you're going to hell!
Your flesh will burn, your bones will churn
Your soul will be torn asunder
You wretched heathen heretic, burn in hell
Larry the Tomato: For eternity!
Bob the Cucumber: So you better remember!
Veggie Fables: [singing] God is watching everything you do!
Wooldoor: I'll never masturbate again! I don't wanna go to hell! I quit!

[They see Wooldoor humping a toaster]
Clara: Wooldoor Sockbat! What in God's great, white Earth are you doing?!
Wooldoor: Can't... stop... humping!

Larry the Tomato: I'm sorry for thinking impure thoughts. [whips himself]
Bob the Cucumber: I'm sorry for being so phallic. [whips himself]
Clara: I'm sorry for buying child slaves from Third World countries. [whips herself]
Chinese Boy: Free! [drops his feather duster]
Clara: [to the Chinese boy] I said I'm sorry, not stop dusting!
Wooldoor: I'm sorry I masturbated! [whips himself] And I'm sorry I helped people! [whips himself again] And I'm sorry I spied on Clara going potty every morning!
Clara: What? That's disgusting!
Wooldoor: You're one to talk, Princess Smell-Your-Wipes. [Clara whips him]

Wooldoor: Oh my god! The Veggie Fables! I love your religious propoganda clumsly disguised as children's entertainment

Clara: Isn't masturbation considered a sickening and indefensible sin against God?
Foxxy: Princess, please! Masturbation is fun and natural. Not to mention it's a great way to earn five bucks without touchin' a guy.
Clara: You have an answer for everything, don't you?
Foxxy: Yup. 'Cept for math.

End Credits Bonus Feature: Bob the Cucumber's killing spree played backwards.

Ghostesses in the Slot Machine[edit]

Foxxy: Goddammit Princess, if there wasn't a good chance that I was pregnant and that fall didn't help me out of a real jam I would kick your ass.

Foxxy: And just then, Foxxy remembered something her momma told her when she was only 14 years old.
[cut to the outline of a suburban home]
Foxxy's Mother: You dress like a stripper, get the hell out my house! [boots Foxxy out the door]
[cut back to present scene]
Foxxy': I'm gonna go open a strip-club!

Spanky: Are you thinking what I'm thinkin'?
Captain Hero: Pig, you've got a bet to place. Captain Hero is taking one last dive. And then I'm cutting that pig out

Captain Colonicus: Captain Hero, you in direct violation of code 24601 gambling on your own battles.
Captain Hero: What? Since when has that been illegal?
Captain Colonicus: For as long as stealing, sexual assault and murder have been.
Captain Hero: Those are illegal too? Wow, I really am a terrible super hero!

The King: Who is that sexy servant girl?
Clara: You mean Foxxy?
The King: She sure is... That's one civil rights protester I can't wait to turn my hose on...

Spanky: Captain Hero, do you think you can beat The Mad Felcher?
Captain Hero: Are you kidding me? That guy sucks ass!

Captain Hero: The evil Koala Bear Rapist. That guy's a total dick! And I won't even tell you what he does to koala bears!

Captain Hero: Folks, the League of Heroes and I tried to take a dive here today, and I think we all learnt an important lesson
Voice: Yeah, you suck!
Captain Hero: Nooooo, it's that even though we slaughtered the Indians and took their land, we shouldn't let them have casinos because gambling brings out the worst in weak-minded white people. In conclusion...USA! USA! USA!

Super Nanny[edit]

Captain Hero: At last we meet Super Nanny! So whatcha got? A little X-ray Vision, heat vision or, like our president, no vision at all? [Laughs] [In confessional] That's Super Satire.

[Various clips of Captain Hero being naughty in hilarious ways]
Captain Hero: [In confessional] Something had to be done! I had to find a way to defeat her AND her Naughty Stool... but how? But.... HOW...? [long pause] You know if you keep the camera rolling, it's not nearly as dramatic... [long pause again] Nyeeeeeeeeh.... Jerkoff assholes.

Super Nanny: What's going on in here?
Toot: Oh nothing, Captain Shero is just trying to take my barrette!
Captain Hero: It's pronounced Captain "Hero", the 'S' is silent, you hit-head!

Captain Hero: [In confessional] Super Nanny had always been so fair, but now she was being Super-Not-Fair! Why would she... [A "Peep Show" sign begins to slide down screen until the whole screen is covered] Wait, OH NO, NO! I-I'm out of quarters, I've got more to say! Nyeeeeeeeeh.... Jerkoff assholes.

Captain Hero: [In confessional] Everyone thinks I'm a liar. Well I'm a lot of things, I'm an astronaut, I'm a basketball player, I'm the President of the Universe with a 14 inch cock! But I'm not a liar.

Captain Hero: [In confessional] I learned that just because something the word "super" in their name, that doesn't make them super! On the other hand, if you put "le" in front of a word, it does make it classy, like "lesbian", the classiest women of them all.

Captain Girl[edit]

Captain Hero: By the time I arrived, the Mad-Libber was gone and Captain Girl had been poisoned to death
Xandir: Poisoned? Then why is there blood on her uniform?
Captain Hero: It was that time of the month
Xandir: That doesn't really--
Captain Hero: WHAT ARE YOU, TWELVE?! Once a month, in the most beautiful and natural process known possible, blood comes flowing out of a woman's butthole. But now, blood will never flow out of Captain Girl's butthole ever again!

[The cast gathers at Captain Girl's funeral]
Captain Hero: Everyone, thank you for coming. In accordance to Captain Girl's wishes, we are burying her as a Mormon. Not because she was one, but because she hated Mormons and it would make her happy if we bury one. You may begin, Reverend.
Reverend: If you'll all turn in your books to page 134. [They open their Bibles] Ahem...OOGAH BOOGAH! GREAT SPACE GOD! MAGIC LIZARD COME DOWN FROM JUPITER!

Wooldoor Sockbat: [trying to decipher the Mad Libber's note] I don't get it Spanky, how do you "horribly penis" someone?
Spanky Ham: Ok, but I'm only going to show you this one more time. [Begins to unzips his swimming trunks]

[Wooldoor is crying]
Spanky Ham: If you don't stop your crying, two things are going to happen: I'm going to have an orgasm, and then I'm gonna fall asleep. Is that what you want?

[Wooldoor is doing a striptease for Captain Hero]
Captain Hero: You know, when Captain Girl danced for me, SHE at least had the decency to tuck her balls between her legs!
Wooldoor Sockbat: But, I am not... [Captain Hero leaves and slams the door] ...Captain Girl.

[Captain Hero finished the Mad Libber's note]
Captain Hero:: Well, that seems to be it. "I, the evil Mad Libber, viciously penised Captain Girl for getting too penis to my ingenious penis."

Wooldoor: I think that tram is about to fall!
Captain Hero: Yeah, you take care of that. I'm trying to read Hustler [In confessional, holding a Hustler magazine] it gives every man x-ray vision, if you know what I mean. Buy a copy today and see for yourself

Toot: She just needs some discipline. Baby, you're grounded! [her baby gives her the finger] HEY! Watch the language, you filthy whore! Don't make me wash my mouth out with ham!

Toot: Thanks for teaching me that motherhood is a joyless burden, best left to wealthy people who can hire someone less fortunate to do most of the hard work for them [In confessional] I should’ve known that babies from Nicaragua couldn’t fix problems. I mean, if they could, Nicaragua wouldn’t be such a shithole, would it?

Xandir: Toot, where the hell you think you're going?
Toot: [carries her vodka bottle] The store. Mommy's completly run out of medicine.
Foxxy: Toot, if you don't start takin' care of your child, she gonna be real messed up.
Xandir: She's right, Toot. I mean, Ling-Ling was about to kill your baby.
Toot: Don't tell how to raise my baby! I know how to keep it safe! [puts herself and her baby inside a ring of fire] Who would dare to enter "The Circle of Fire"? Toodles! [exits the ring of fire and her coat is caught on fire]

A Tale of Two Cows[edit]


Spanky: Ooh, live-action poo!
Foxxy: Wooldoor, have you been going into the live-action forest again?
Wooldoor: I, um, well, um, brought it home because I thought they'd make nice slippers.
[He steps in the manure as if they were shoes]
Captain Hero: It's an honest mistake.
[Camera pans down to show that Hero has done the same]

Wooldoor: I shot Live-Action Cow, and now she's dead! [Cries]
Captain Hero: So tell me, bro, did you... [Whisper's into Wooldoor's ear]
Wooldoor: What? Why would I do that? She was my friend
Captain Hero: So she's out there dead in the woods, her milky, white supple udder just lying there in a remote forest clearing? Dibs! [kicks Clara in the leg and runs off]

Captain Hero: Live-Action Cow had saved all our lives and everyone loved her, especially me. I always dreamed of meeting a woman with 6 penises

Captain Hero: I can't outrun a squirrel! But it won't matter as long as I can outrun you! [kicks Clara in the leg]
Clara: Oh fuck!
Captain Hero: Save yourselves! [Runs off]

Wooldoor: I put some peanut butter on my balls. [gets out 2 tennis balls smeared with peanut butter.] That way you'll have more tendency to chase after them... When I put them up my ass!

Xandir and Tim, Sitting in a Tree[edit]


Spanky Ham: No wonder you hate the show! You're everything we make fun of! You're a Jewish, conservative, pro-life, born-again, overweight, Asian, homophobic, lesbian broad who cuts herself!
EW Reviewer: So?
Spanky Ham: Soooo, maybe someone who doesn't happen to be a Jewish, conservative, pro-life, born-again, overweight, Indian, homophobic, lesbian broad who cuts herself might not be offended by the show!
EW Reviewer: I have every right to tell people what I think about your show!
Spanky Ham: YESSSS! BUT PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT OUR AUDIENCE, ASSHOLE!

Xandir: Oh Tim! [Jumps into Captain Hero/Tim's arms] Last night was so special! I mean, I've had a lot of gay sex in my life, uhm, a lot of gay se- I mean a lot, a lot a lot a lot of gay se- I've had LOO-LOOOTS of gay sex, HUGE huuge amounts of [Tries to find words] LOOTS! [In confessional] Right, Craig?

Xandir: Did you talk with him?
"Tim": You tell me
["Tim" looks to Xandir. "Tim's" face is all bruised]
Xandir: You poor baby! What kind of a jerk would hit himself wearing glasses?

Spanky: Put the gun down.
Pluto: [holding Goofy hostage] He's the only fucking dog who's good enough to wear fucking pants? Well, I wanna wear the fucking pants for once! [shoots Goofy with the gun and then puts the gun in his mouth and shoots himself]

Camera follows Billy's dotted line from Family circus, surveying a rampage through the house
Spanky: Billy, Mommy says God will decide who should pay for the sins of the world.
Billy: [standing next to a tub with his dead mother in it] Mommy will live inside of me forever!
[Billy tears out his mothers heart and swallows it whole, and then takes out a gun and shoots himself in the head]

Xandir: Oh Tim, you're such a stitch. You're so much more fun than Captain Hero.
"Tim": [impersonating Captain Hero] Oh! Look at me! I'm a big, dumb superhero who's big and dumb! Now I'm fondling a girl. Oopsie! She's dead!
[Xandir and "Tim" laugh; "Tim" falls into the lake]
Xandir: You did not just do that! ["Tim" throws him into the lake; they kiss and the camera pans away from them] It unsnaps in the front.

[after one of Spanky's farts]
Toot: Goddammit Spanky! It's farts like that that made EW gave us a fucking F! [a fart sound comes from her] [giggling, blushing] Oopsie!... What? That was a queef! And I only laughed 'cause it tickled! [starts scratching her crotch]

Foxxy: Ever since we got that F, thangs seem to just fall apart. Now, some would say we's a bit oversensitive to the honest criticism of a professional TV reviewer, but in our defense: FUCK YOU EW! [gives the finger]

The Lemon-AIDS Walk[edit]

Captain Hero: Oh Lord, if there is a sport that I can master, please, give me a sign!
Foxxy: Hey, y'all, who want's to sponsor me? I'm goin' in the AIDS Walk next week. It's per mile
Captain Hero: Walk? I can walk! [Looks at the folder Foxxy is holding]
Foxxy: So you are going to sponsor me? You know it's per mile, right?
Captain Hero: Hell's no, I'll be sponsoring you! I'll be sponsoring me, to win the AIDS Walk!
Foxxy: The Aid's Walk isn't a competition, asshole, it's a charity! Like "Not Spitting on Ugly People" [spits at Toot in the face] I gave at the office
Captain Hero: I'll practice night and day, and before you know it, I'll do more walking and have more AIDS than you can possibly imagine!

[After seeing Hero playing the badminton challenge very badly]
Spanky: Dude, you're the worst athlete I've ever seen! And I've been to, like, every Special Olympics.

Foxxy: [In confessional] Captain Hero was in trouble so we decided to stage an intervention. [everyone is gathered in the living room] Okay everyone, remember the plan! [Knocks on the door] Oh, you must be here to see Captain Hero, because you are a twelve year old girl and a donkey!
Captain Hero: Really? Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker are here?

Captain Hero: Finally, I was in a place where no-one would judge me! Well, except maybe Judge Fudge.
Judge Fudge: I ain't ever judged you, baby. I'm far too busy being delicious.

Captain Hero: I lost my way, and for that, I am truly sorry. But I made a promise to a friend as he lay dying in my hulking biceps that I promised him that I would win this race and I will do it clean.
Xandir: I’m so proud of you, Captain Hero. You’re like the son the courts will never allow me to have.

Captain Hero: Hey bub, I need the strongest stuff you got.
Man: Well sir, we got a terrific line of herbal supplements...
Captain Hero: Herbal? What do I look like you? Some crazy wacko who'll put anything inside his body and take pictures of it coming out and then post them on his websites which gets over ten thousand hits a day, most of them in Germany? Do I? DO I?!

Captain Hero: Popeye, are you alright?
Popeye: It's time ya knew. I've contracted the deadly AIDS virus from sharing steroid needles...[Shows his hand covered in bloody syringes]
Captain Hero: AIDS? How come I've never heard of this AIDS? They should have a walk or something to raise awareness.
Popeye: [coughs and wheezes] Get clean for me Cap'n. [Sings] Oh I'm weak at the finish 'cus AIDS beats out Spinach, I'm Popeye the dyin' man. [Toots] of AIDS!

Captain hero: I did it Popeye, I did it for you! [Popeye's face appears in the sky] Who the hell is that asshole?

Producer: Congratulations, original cast of Drawn Together. For winning the badminton game, you'll receive a pound of ground beef and a quarter cup of water.
Helping Hand: Boo-ya! That's all I need. [high-fives the Transformer]

Transformer: Proceed to main title sequence

Spanky: I feel so guilty.
Clara: Me too. Poor Wooldoor.
Spanky: Not about that, I watered down one of the lemonade jugs with my piss. If only I could remember which one.

Captain Hero: [elbowing Wooldoor out of his way] Out of the way, subplot, main story coming through!

A Very Special Drawn Together Afterschool Special[edit]


Clara: [As "Mary Lou Slutsky"] Hey, Xandir. My mama finally got her settlement check and bought herself a double-wide
Captain Hero: Yes, and she deserved it. She gave up ten years of her life and six of her fingers for that chicken plant

Wooldoor: I know what would help: If we all did a little role-playing exercise
Foxxy: Oooo, that's a great idea! Toot, you can be Xandir's mama, and Captain Hero, you can be Xandir's...uh...
Wooldoor: Papa?
Foxxy: [ecstatic] Papa? Where?! Oh...

Xandir: I guess we can give this a shot. Mommy, daddy, I'm gay.
Captain Hero: [As Xandir's father] Well son, I know I speak for the both of us when I say...
Captain Hero & Toot: Uh, DUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Toot: Xandir, we're sorry about before. We really wanna help
Xandir: No. You'll just mock me again
Captain Hero: No we won't, gay friend. I swear on you're gay eyes

Xandir: I should've known you would mock me. Life is just one, big, mildly-amusing cartoon to you guys!
Captain Hero: Come on, buddy, you know we all hate you

Captain Hero: [as Xandir's father] Padre, can you fix him?
Xandir: I'm not broken, dad!
Captain Hero: Well, I guess that's the difference between you and my heart!

Captain Hero: [as Xandir's father] Told you not to huff airplane glue when you were pregnant!
Toot: [as Xandir's mother] At least airplane glue knew how to make me feel good, Zema dick!
Captain Hero: [as Xandir's father] ZEMA HELPS ME RELAX!!!

Toot: [as Xandir's mother] I don't want my son to go to hell... or wherever the gays and Jews end up.

Wooldoor: Well, that went well. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a nooner. [to a random kid] So, you want to be an altar boy.
Kid: No I don't. You took me from the playground.
Wooldoor: [demonically] God took you from the playground. Weeeeeeee!

Alzheimer's That Ends Well[edit]

Clara: I just adore it! It's so much slimmer now. Wait! What's that?
Wooldoor: That's just a freckle.
Clara: Sweet Jesus! Get rid of it! NOW!
Wooldoor: Relax, Clara. Lots of pussies have freckles, like Ron Howard!

Foxxy: Oh my God, Clara's vagina is killin' those old bastards!

Vajoana: Who are you wearing? Who are you wearing?

Clara: Oh my goodness! My whites-only drinking fountain is just beautiful!
Wooldoor: Sorry fellas, we can't show you Clara's pink sink. Don't blame us, blame the FCC, which stands for faggoty cock-blocking clamfuckers! Wheeeeeeeee!

Captain Hero: Hey, Xandir! I just got this new wind-up duckie! It's feet actually paddle through the water!
Xandir: Let's try it out in the bathtub! [they run up to the bathroom to find Toot about to put a toaster in the water] Why are you killing yourself this time, Toot?
Toot: It's my birthday and no-one remembered. I'm fat, old, ugly and everyone hates me!
Captain Hero: Hmmm...maybe people hate you because you won't get out their bathtubs when they want to play with they're duckies!
[Captain Hero uses his heat vision to make Toot run out. Hero and Xandir are next seen in the bathtub watching the duckie waddle in the water]
Xandir: Hey Hero, I was thinking: we should throw Toot a surprise birthday
Captain Hero: If we're all gonna shout out what we're thinking, I'VE been thinking about paying a prostitute to shove bowling pins up my ass!

Clara: You fix my crotch stigmata right now, or I'll sue.
Wooldoor: Go ahead. I'll just counter-sue.
Clara: Well, then I'll hire the smartest Jew in Jewtown!
Wooldoor: Well, then I'll hire the smartest Jew in the Jew-SA!
Clara: Well, then I'll hire the smartest Jew in the Jew-niverse!
Wooldoor: [gasps] You'd really hire Abe Goldblatt from Space Shuttle 34?!

Octopussoir: Two pieces of advice, Princess. One: You won't wanna change your body, if you learn to love it. And two: When you wipe, it's front to back.
Narrator: An important lesson was learned that day on Wisteria Lane. Even the slimiest cunt can get a job in real estate.

Clara: Just to be sure, I asked for some other opinions.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling would love to drop his bomb on that Pearl Harbor.
Xandir: Oh, it's adorable. What is it?
Foxxy: Now you got some fine-lookin' flesh sandwich.
Clara: I didn't care what the Choriental, the Sodomite or the Ethiop had to say. I knew my church door was too fat and I had to fix it.

The Drawn Together Clip Show[edit]

Jew producer: Let's take a look at the past season and pay our respects to all the Korean children who died drawing this insipid cartoon. [A scene from "Super Nanny" plays on the screen. A man urinating is shown while a list of fake Koreans plays quickly] Well that really sucked ass.

Jew Producer: [To a wild audience] Okay, settle down. [the audience keeps cheering] I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP! [gets out a gun and shoots. The audience sits down. A scream is heard]

Jew Producer: So cast, what'cha doin'?
Spanky: Same old, same old. What's with you?
Jew Producer: Just hosting the season finale
Spanky: How's that going?
Jew Producer: Not too well. I shot someone.

Fun-Facts
Drawn Together is seen in over fifty thousand countries by over 500 billion viewers.
Drawn Together is the only show gayer than Six Feet Under.
The character of Toot is based on your mother.
Foxxy Love has more protuberant nipples in the second season.
Comedy Central thought they were buying a reality show.
Wooldoor Sockbat was the name of Hitler's dog.
The DT's are something alcoholics get, just like this show.
Originally, James Earl Jones voiced Ling-Ling.
Wooldoor was born in Puerto Rico.
Drawn Together is actually better than you think.
Most DT fun facts aren't really that fun.

Jew Producer: Captain Hero, fan rumor has it that your relationship with Xandir has continued since the show ended
Captain Hero: Oh, you got it all wrong, habibe. Xandir had an affair with Tim Tommerson, not me. [everyone laughs] Fine, I'll prove it. Tim!
[Tim Tommerson walks out onto the stage. The audience and Xandir are shocked]
Xandir: Oh my god! Tim! I thought you loved me!
Captain Hero: Why would he love you when he could have all this? [Rips off his shirt and flexes his muscles]
Jew Producer: You have something to say?
Foxxy Love: Those ain't real! Check these out! [flashes her breasts]

Season 3[edit]

Freaks & Greeks[edit]

[Captain Hero drops a pill into his beer, drinks it and passes out]
Wooldoor: I think the mailman meant a Greek family moved in next door, and not a fraternity.
Xandir: And that wasn't a roofie Captain Hero..... that was a Tic-Tac.
[Short pause]
Captain Hero: Are you guys gonna fuck me or not?

Ling-Ling: Father why? You have so much to live for.
Jun-Jee: Oh, nothing bling me joy. I too old to battle, and my cataract make karaoke impossible.
[Cut to Jun-Jee in a bar looking at a big screen. The song playing is "Tequila". When the one lyric comes up on the screen, he struggles to make it out]

Ling-Ling: He my father, Ling-Ling deserve money, not you.... filthy srut! [spits]
Toot: Hey, I'm no slut, I earned this money! I've been letting Jun-Jee ram his tank into my Tienanmen Square! [In confessional] Sadly, he always ignored the little student.

Jun-Jee: Jun-Jee decide... no one get his fortune!
Ling-Ling: YOKO OH-NO!
Toot: Yoo-hoo Ho-ho!

Captain Hero: We're not going to let them destroy us, are we, pledges?
Wooldoor & Xandir: Sir, never, sir!
Captain Hero: And to prove it, Xandir, lock yourself in a trunk of a car with this bottle of whiskey and don't come out until it's empty! [Hands Xandir a bottle of "Jack Daniels"]
Xandir: Sir, yes, sir!
Captain Hero: And Wooldoor, you tie one end of this rope to your penis and the other around this brick, and then throw it over the balcony!
Wooldoor: Sir! Thank you for making my wish come true, sir!
Captain Hero: [Puts on a "Make-a-Wish" cap] There goes one brave kid.

Ling Ling: Fine. But only if we split it 50-50.
Toot: You want half my ho-ho? I SHOULD KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND!!!!!!!!
Ling Ling: Nooooo. Half of father's fortune.

Jun-Jee: Space turns Asians into queers. That only explanation for George Takei.

Ling-Ling: It's Ling-Ling money!
Toot: No, it's my money!
Ling-Ling: It's Ling-Ling money!
Toot: It's my money!
Ling-Ling: It's Ling-Ling money!
Toot: That's my money!
Ling-Ling: Duck season!

Jun-Jee: I am ashamed to call you Ling-Ling Hitler-bin-Laden-Seacrest!

Clara: Hey Foxxy, when are you gonna contribute to the parent pile?
Foxxy: When my daddy get back from buyin' them cigarettes.

Wooldoor Sockbat's Giggle-Wiggle Funny Tickle Non Traditional Progressive MultiCultural Roundtable![edit]

Captain Hero: Hey bro, what do you think about...bagina?
Terminator Guy: Dude, I love the bagina.
Captain Hero: Dude! I love the bagina! What do you like to do to the bagina?
Terminator Guy: What do you think I like to do to the bagina?
Captain Hero: I think you like to f**k it!
Terminator Guy: Damn straight, I totally like to to f**k the bagina.
Both: Sweet!

Foxxy: Mm-hmm! I have never had so many wieners in my mouth all at once. [Her nipples elongate] Maybe that one time in college... [Her nipples elongate] I ain't no Pinocchio! [Her nipples elongate]

Foxxy: Senators! A children's TV show won't make boys get fellatio. Watching TV on the sofa can't turn your girl into Martina Navratilova. So senators, if you protect Wooldoor's free speech, I'll massage your prostates, each.

Wooldoor: Here's to congress for letting me do my show!
Spanky Ham: And to freedom of speech.
Wooldoor: F**k yeah!
Xandir: That's the sh*t!
Captain Hero: I want to f**k the head off of a f**king pig and rip its f**king guts out and then f**k its f**king f**k f**k f**k f**kity f**k...

Xandir: Cum on me if you want to live.
Wooldoor: I think you mean, "come with you".
Xandir: Wh, why, what did I say?

Wooldoor: No Xandir! Like Paul McCartney's ex-wife, we're not running anymore!

Wooldoor: What a weird night, first I was partying and drinking with my friends, much like a drunken pro athlete. Then I was crying and running for my life, like the wife of a drunken pro athlete!

Wooldoor: Quick Xandir! Snarf my cavernous bunghole you snerd-nurgling Jew!
Xandir: Don't you mean, "hold on"?
Wooldoor: Why, what did I say?

Female Transformer: Not in the hair, I have a date tonight!

Toot: While those bastards stuffed their faces at the Wiener-mobile, I was trapped in the closet with nothing but some old coats! And Clara's golf umbrella which I've since renamed the expandable pleasure wand...

Xandir: Wooldoor, you saved the Gay Future. I wish I could see it one last time... So beautiful... Semen.. everywhere...

Wooldoor: I was deader than a racist walrus lost in the Detroit projects after dark.
[cut to a walrus surrounded by some black people]
Walrus: Don't any of you shwoogies have jobs?
Black man 1: The hell did you say!!!
Black man 2: Lets get him!!!

Terminator: What's the difference between a woman with the PMS and a terrorist? - You can negotiate with the terrorist.

Wooldoor: So now you're from the future, too? I thought you were from a video game.
Xandir: VIDEO GAMES ARE THE FUTURE!!!
Wooldoor: HELP! He's got a gun!
Xandir: Wooldoor, wait! Come on my back! [gets tackled by cops] Wait, what did I say?

Captain Hero: Hey, do you know what they call vagina in France?...Royale with Cheese

Clara: If you put your show on, it'll turn the children gayer than a magician!
Wooldoor: OH MY GOD! Wait, street or Vegas?
Clara: VEGAS!
Wooldoor: OH MY GOD!!!

Female Transformer: (In robotic voice) I did not think that could be an input! Oh!
Foxxy: It's hot, but sad. You just know that fighter-plane/dinosaur was molested.

Clara: What in the name of one-dimensional characters and predictable reactions is going on here?!

Captain hero: (to the terminator) But wait, bro. I didn't get to tell you my absolute favorite things about the bagina. It bought me close to you.

Wooldoor: Hey look everybody, it's our new friend the singing robo-biker!
All: [singing] Welcome to Wooldoor's World, where everybody loves bagina. Every shape and size...

Wooldoor: Nobody kills Wooldoor's dreams, not my close-minded parents, not my oppressive 3rd grade teacher, not the tough but fair drill instructor who taught me how to be an officer and a gentleman, AND NOT YOU, TER-MIN-AT-OR FROM THE FUTURE!!!

End Credits Bonus Feature: Foxxy watching Sex Transformers.

Spelling Applebee's[edit]

Clara: Captain Hero, take me home!
Captain Hero: You're not having fun?
Clara: You're making out with our waiter!

Spanky: Stick with me, and you'll be the best thing to come out of spelling since Tori's fat head!
Foxxy: Why you dissin' on Tori?
Spanky: She knows what she did.

CaptAIN Hero: Oh, what's the use? I don't deserve someone as good as you. Just like I don't deserve to wear the tie my father was buried in

[Clara and Captain Hero on another date]
Clara: I'm so glad you gave us a second chance.
Hero: Well, at first-
Clara: [angry] SHUT UP! [silent, more gently] I mean... shut your fucking face, my sweet.

Captain Hero: [In confessional] We started going out a lot and I think that Clara started to really like me. I was more excited than a passed-out college girl in my bedroom!

Wooldoor: Uhh...D...O...G. Cat!
[Buzzer sounds]
Spelling Bee Judge: No I'm sorry but that's not the correct spelling of 'centrifuge'.

Spelling Bee Judge: All right Ling-Ling, if you get this wrong, the Peanuts win. Your word is...'L'.
[Since Ling-Ling can't say "L" properly, he looks at the screen and then forfeits by disappearing]

Snow White: That's what we get for letting Mulan drive.

Clara: Stay with me, Sleeping Beauty!
Sleeping Beauty: But... I'm tired... so... very... tired...

Charlie Brown: Oh yeah, we beat you worse than Linus' dad beats him.
Linus: You'll protect me, won't you Blue Blanket?

Toot: I'd give Spanky's left testicle for an Applebee's coupon!
Spanky: Too late... I already gave that testicle to my one true love... Cancer.

Spanky: Hey, look! The 7-Eleven's hiring!
Hadji: Mom and Dad got fired?

Foxxy: Can we play the Rocky Training Song?
Spanky: Only if we can afford it.

Captain Hero: And remember kids: never mess with the emotions of a dangerous lunatic.

Spelling Bee Judge: For the win, your word is... "illogical." As in: You being allowed to compete after someone else has already won is highly illogical.
Foxxy: Illogical, y'all. I-L-L-O-G-I-C-A-L, Y-apostrophe-A-L-L. Illogical, y'all.

Unrestrainable Trainable[edit]

Clara: Wait, you’re leaving? Then I’ll no longer receive the attention I so desperately crave; hmmm…hey, Wooldoor; maybe before you leave, I can make you one last bowl of chicken soup?
Wooldoor: Soup?! FUCK YEAH! I LOVE THAT SHIT!

Clara: Gosh, my roommates always hated me, and now they think I'm some kind of saint.
Foxxy: Clara, for the first time ever, I am proud to be your friend. This makes up for all them cracks about my breasteses lactatin' chocolate milk.
Nestlé Quik Rabbit: No chocolate milk? Then what the hell have I been sucking on?!

Captain Hero: Don't you see, Xandir? There is only one expalantion for this. HE...IS...MY...SON!!
Xandir: Of course he is.

Clara: Taking orders from a black girl?! Who does she think I am, Thomas Jefferson's penis?

After Wooldoor nearly drowns, Foxxy gives him CPR, and her golden teeth fell out.
Foxxy: [In a polite English accent] Capital! Thank goodness I'm certified in Cardiopulmonary Resucitation. [She puts the teeth back in and reverts to her normal style] Mouth to mouth, y'all!

Wooldoor: Clara, you've gone crazy! You're poisoning me!
Clara: Oh, Wooldoor, you don't mean that. That's just the poison I'm using to poison you with talking.

Xandir: How could you possibly have a son? You said you had your balls removed.
Captain Hero: No, I said I had my ball-SACK removed. Besides, I always pull out!
Xandir: That's not a foolproof method. [Xandir is in the confessional holding a baby] Right, Craig?

Jesus: Look at that heeb pretending to drown. Those Jews kill me.

Captain She-Ro: Hello?
Captain Hero: Pardon me, sir, but did you buy some Zebulonian sperm and give birth to a giant stupidhead?
Captain She-Ro: Who wants to know?
Captain Hero: I do, for I am the donor. My name is Captain Hero.
Captain She-Ro: Captain Hero? Oh no!
Captain Hero: Oh no, what?
Captain She-Ro: I am your... sister.
Xandir: Of course she is.

Clara: [to Wooldoor] You are so lucky to have someone like me stabbing you with a rusty screwdriver like this.

Bill Cosby: Without the pudding, I'm just another unemployed sexual predator.

Clara: Foxxy, look out in the hallway! It's another Denzel Washington! With two penises!
Foxxy: Double-dong Denzel! Wait a minute, there ain't no one out in that hall except triple-dong Wesley Snipes!

Captain She-Ro: So, then I moved to Earth to be closer to Trader Joe's, I turned 35 and desperately wanted a baby. Anywho, when I discovered the clinic actually had Zebulonian sperm, I was tickled pink! But who would've thought the he-honkers I snorted up my crotch nostril were from my brother?
Captain Hero: I feel so dumb! And all this time I thought my son was a giant retard, turns out he's just an inbred!

N.R.A.y RAY[edit]

Bambi You killed my mother!
Captain Hero Sucks to be you.

Captain Hero: Like a tampon, once I had a taste for blood, I wanted more.

Capt. Hero: Oh, Wooly Bully and I spent another fun-filled day at The Museum Of Tolerance. Every time we go it reminds us that the world's a tolerant place where nothing ever goes wrong.
[All the happiness stops when Wooldoor & Capt. Hero get home and discover the house has been robbed]
Wooldoor: OH MY GOD!
Captain Hero: We've been robbed! [redos everything he just did backwards] Erehw ecalp tnarelot a s'dlrow eht taht su sdnimer ti og ew emit yreve. Ecnarelot Fo Muesum Eht ta yad dellif-nuf rehtona tneps I & Yllub Yloow, ho. We've been robbed!
Museum of Tolerance worker: It was Probably the blacks or the Mexicans.

Foxxy: I did not not raise yo' papa to not raise you to be no criminal!

Wooldoor: Ever wonder why African-American black men are so attracted to large posteriors? Good day. I am Professor Wooldoor Sockbat, here to explain this completely racist phenomenon. [black-and-white footage is shown of an African tribesman being chased by a lion] For centuries, natives found large, roaming badonkadonks to be safe havens from the dangers of the wild. [The tribesman jumps into a large butt, stopping the lion in its tracks.] Their love of huge asses has been written into their genetic code. Even they don't know why... they just know. See you next time when we explore why Jews have big noses! Is it because air is free?

Bambi: Just give us a fighting chance, Mr. Hero. Maybe Mommy would've lived.

Bambi: Wait, come back! I killed my own mother for this!

Judge Fudge: I don't have time to rule on your motion. I'm far too busy... being delicious.

Capt. Hero: Fuck you, duck!

Captain Hero: Soon I'll have more arms than the wackiest god in all of India!

Bambi: I'm not saying you need to stop hunting...
Captain Hero: Bitchin'! [aims a sniper rifle at Bambi]
Bambi: ...but using assault rifles and armor-piercing bullets is just not fair!

Mexican't Buy Me Love[edit]


King of Mexico: [as a giant monster worm] I don't have to wear pants anymore!
Ling-Ling: You've gotta be shitting me.

Ling-Ling: Who knew something so Mexican could move so fast?

Toot: Come on, Ling-Ling. If you win this match, we’ll finally have enough money to return to the land of indoor toilets!

Capt. Hero: Oh, ladies! What does Captain Hero have in common with Lance Armstrong's left testicle? We are both single! And we're sensitive to cold.
[A cold wind passes and his head shrinks]

[Xandir and Wooldoor are playing "Dungeons and Dragons"]
Xandir: This is so boring!
Wooldoor: You know, when Hero's not around, "Dungeons and Dragons" seems to be a lot less about hand-jobs and a lot more about trolls

Toot: Our plan was working great. We were making more money than a televangelist in a room full of impressionable retards. For more information about this joke, please visit the South!

Capt. Hero: [Voiceover] I was an even bigger loser than a Christian scientist in a sensible religion contest!

Ling-Ling: Now that honorable battle! Not like the battle to put Toot to bed.
[Flashback: Ling-Ling is chasing Toot who is in a feetsy pajamas]
Toot: No! No bedtime! No sleep! [jumps over the banister to the lower level of the house] Eaaaaaaat!
[Giant explosion]

Toot: I thought we were going to be caged up until we died, like those stupid chickens!
Ling-Ling: The chickens! We must go back and save them!
Toot: Screw that! I'm gonna watch my OWN back from now on!...if only I could watch my own feet! [Moves her boobs around, but is unable to see her feet below]
Ling-Ling: We must turn back now and save the chickens, for they are Ling-Ling's brothers. But if you only care about yourself, then fine, go.
Toot: Later asshole! Meep-meep! [takes off in "Road-Runner" style, but only gets a couple feet, falling flat on her chest and gasping and panting heavily; a vulture then flies in and lands on her butt]
Vulture: Jesus, how long has this thing been dead?

Foxy: [In confessional] So I was all alone at the dance. And worse, the meteor was about to smash into the Earth! and if the movie "Deep Impact" had anything to go by, the whole planet was about to become boring and unwatchable.

Toot: C'mon! Do me! You know you want it!
Donkey: I'm sorry, my dear, but even a filthy, pathetic donkey has standards.

Lost in Parking Space, Part One[edit]

Clara: Oh, really? How do you explain this? [phone line disconnected] The phone wasn't even plugged in. [makes ghost noises]
Foxxy: Uh, Clara, is that Kirk Cameron hiding behind that plant?
[Camera shows Kirk Cameron hiding behind a house-plant]
Clara: Kirk, you're busted! Run!
Kirk Cameron: To learn more, visit my website wayofthemaster.com [jumps out of the window] Catch me, Jesus!
[All that's heard is a "thump!"']'

Sapnky: Alright, Xandir's ueseless. Everyone listen to Spanky Ham. Now they say in the Boy Scouts: if you get lost, stay in one place until someone will come and find you
Captain Hero: Stay in one place? I prefer my Boy Scouts to move around a little [Simulates sex move]

[Wooldoor opening the van door]
Wooldoor: Ach du lieber Augustin! [continues by using his dummy] We can't get out this way either!

Xandir: Drawn Together Mall Trip '06 starts right now!
Spanky: I hope to God you know what the hell you're doing.

Captain Hero: You're all going to die! This van just got a whole lot sexier...

Clara: Oh, Jesus, how could you rapture my sinful housemates and leave ME behind? Answer me, Talking Jesus! [pulls the talking Jesus' string]
Talking Jesus: I love shopping with my girlfriends!
Clara: Huh, there must have been some mix up at the doll factory...
[Flashes to a little girl pulling her doll's string]
Little Girl's Doll: STOP YOUR WHORING AND SODOMIZING, SINNER! I SHALL CLEANSE YOU WITH MY BLOOD! NNNIIARRRGGHHHAARRRRGHHH! :[Little Girl runs away]

Delivery Guy: [In confessional] Watching that kid in Home Alone is the closest thing my wife and I will get to having a real son...

Delivery Guy: This has been the worst delivery since my wife's miscarriage.

Foxxy: Hero, I want that gun.
Captain Hero: If you want this gun, you'll have to pry it out of my cold, dead hand! [Foxxy slowly reaches towards him and takes the gun without ease] Oh, why did I keep my gun in my Bob Dole hand?
[Wooldoor puts a pencil in Captain Hero's hand]

Wooldoor: Wait, I'll go get Clara.
Foxxy: Clara? I'm sick of that Bible-thumping bitch. And besides, what's the fun of a group activity when you can't exclude somebody?
Excludie: You can say that again.
Toot: Shut up, Excludie! Get back in your box!
Excludie: Aww... [walks off]
[Excludie walks back into his box]
Voice: Get out, Excludie! We don't want you!
Excludie: Aww... [walks off]

Xandir: Today was when I thought you all promised we'd go to the mall together!
Captain Hero: I thought you promised you were going to SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Spanky: You pathetic fools! Now we're all gonna die!
Excludie: Even me?
Spanky: No! Not you, Excludie! Now here's a blanket and a thermos of delicious hot cocoa.
Excludie: Aww... [walks off]

Xandir: Hey guys, are you all ready to go?
Captain Hero: Are you ready to SHUT THE FUCK UP?!?!

Clara: Get up, black person! Time to repent!
Foxxy: Repent? But we just pented! [cut to a horrendously-painted wall]

Lost in Parking Space, Part Two[edit]

Spanky: We have to launch now!
Wooldoor: But she's not ready!
Captain Hero: If we launch now, she could break apart!
Xandir: If we say here, we're already dead! So like the time Fernando and I went to the diner and ordered a bowl of soup to split but we didn't feel like crackers, we gotta roll!

Captain Hero: We can sit here and argue for hours about who suffocated Ling-Ling. But the truth is, he's dead and we are hungry.
Wooldoor: Captain Hero, what are you saying?
Captain Hero: I'm saying what we're all thinking: it's time to cuddle with the charred corpse of that dummy! [Picks up dummy] I'll make you feel like a real boy.
Spanky: I thought he was going to say we should eat Ling-Ling...

Clara: I haven't seen a bovine with such kind eyes since Mother Theresa died!

Davey: Ah shucks! I'm gonna die! And I never knew what it's like to love.
Goliath: What about all the stuff we did we went camping, Davey?
Davey: That wasn't about love, Goliath. It was about POWER!

Captain Hero: If the fat chick hallucinating from the saltwater says it's true, then it must be true!

Hot Topic Manager: [Walks into torture room] What part of "we need to evacuate" do you not understand?
Clara: Not today, mister! [Cuts off his arm]
Foxxy: Nice work, Clara! Now let's get- [Clara cuts off his other arm] Okay, I think you got him...
Clara: [Between hacks] I...MUST...GET...INTO...HEAVEN!
Foxxy: Is you done?
Clara: Not sure...how do you know when you're done killing something?
Foxxy: When your man pick you up at the clinic and take you drinking at the club.

Wooldoor: Fine, if we must, we must. But before we eat Ling-Ling, let’s take a moment to remember the good times
Toot: I’ll always remember our trip to Paris [The housemates are all seen together in Paris] Guys, this trip has really bringed us together.
Ling-Ling: Yes, Ling-Ling comfortable enough to share greatest fear. No matter what happen, please, no eat Ling-Ling.
Wooldoor: And remember when we all got fucking wasted on the roof? [Next, the housemates are sitting on the roof looking at the stars] Oh look, a shooting star!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling only wish is for roommates not to eat his body when he die.
Captain Hero: Oh, and remember that time when Ling-Ling learnt to speak English?
[Next, they are in the living room listening to Ling-Ling]
Ling-Ling: [Speaking in English] What’s wrong with you people?! Why don’t you listen to me? Ling-Ling religion very specific: if body even so dead, he should not be eaten!
Spanky: Well guys, let’s dig in [Hands out chopsticks] It’s what Ling-Ling would’ve wanted.

Xandir: And Hero, you gave up $10, 000 for a donkey on Let's Make a Deal
Captain Hero: That donkey paid off for itself in the first six months!

Xandir: I'm leading us out of this van, like Moses led the Jews out of the desert to the world's everlasting regret

Charlotte's Web of Lies[edit]

[Upon realizing that Scroto's last wish was to wash his testicles]
Captain Hero: Not your baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllssss!!

Gash: Sorry Ling Ling, but your dancing days are over. Like any child who has ever been adopted, you are destined to kill.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling dreamed of becoming dancer but ended up being captured by preteen boy, just like Pete Townsend's heart

Ling Ling: What was Ling Ling thinking?! Battle monster not meant to dance
Gash: Or is he!
Ling Ling: Gash! What are you doing here?
Gash: I came to see you dance
Ling Ling: But you said Ling Ling could never be a dancer.
Gash: I was just jealous. I too always wanted to be a dancer as well also but, I didn't have the talent so I tortured you relentlessly until you became a sociopathic killer, crushing all your dreams. My bad.

Director: Oh no! Something happened to Gwyneth Paltrow! Ling-Ling, you have to take her place as the star!
Ling-Ling: I can't! Like Cameron Diaz without three inches of makeup, I'm not ready for the spotlight!

Captain Hero: What am I to do? My nemesis taught me to read, but now, he wants me to wash his balls and I don't feel like it. God, give me a sign! [a flaming goat bursts in through the window and runs past him] Sooo...what does that mean, exactly? Oh well, I guess it's up to me to figure this out... Through song!
[Singing] How can I face the shriveled balls of my decrepit nemesis?
I can smell that crotch from here!
That sack has not been cleaned in years!
It's gotta be drenched in layers of sweat and piss
But he taught me how to read and that has opened up new worlds
Still that stench, rancid flesh, soaked in crotch juice, pus, and ass
Good God! It makes me want to hurl!
I can't deny him his dying wish!!!
Even though I swear I'll faint if I find some ancient dingle berries sticking to his taint...
But wait! I must stand for something!
I'm a hero, after all...[Begins to fly into the air]
I must have the balls to face his nasty, cadaverous, spidery, putrid, rash-ridden, lice-infested, Limburger-smelling, wretch-inducing---BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLSSSS!!!!

Spanky: Whoa, you're beautiful! What's your name?
Charlotte: I'm Charlotte. Do you really think I'm beautiful?
Spanky: WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY?!
Charlotte: Wow! No ones ever loved me enough to yell at me!

Captain Hero: What comes after asphyxi-seven? Asphyxiate!

Captain Hero: Your Balls are CLEAN!

Spanky: Huh? "Some Pig?"
Charlotte: Mm-hmm, you were some pig last night. That was the hottest inter-species sex since Matthew Broderick nailed Sarah Jessica Parker.

Captain Hero: Damn you, Scroto! Aww...
Wooldoor: His name is Scroto?
Captain Hero: Yes.
Wooldoor: So that's what your arch-nemesis does?
Captain Hero: Yep.
Wooldoor: No bank robberies?
Captain Hero: Uh-uh.
Wooldoor: Or blowing up the planet?
Captain Hero: Nope.
Wooldoor: He just tricks superheroes into washing his balls?
Captain Hero: Not all superheroes. Just me... just me.
Wooldoor: What a strange, strange villain.

Foxxy: Ling-Ling, you killed Xylophone!
Toot: Who the hell is Ling-Ling?

Captain Hero: There I was, seconds away from destroying the most evil man I had ever known, but I couldn't kill someone on their deathbed.

Mrs. Wifflebottom: You knew there was a shark out there, but you let people go swimming anyway.

Fran Drescher: [in costume as Ling-Ling] Yoko Ono, Mitsubishi. I have a small penis.

Girl: Are you sure you're finished with that spider lady? 'Cause I am too classy to be the second woman... unless, of course, we're having a piss orgy.

Breakfast Food Killer[edit]

Foxxy: Tookie, can't you just be happy for Mapplethorpe?
Toot: Why don't you assholes believe me? [To Foxxy] And why don't you know any of our names?

Toot: [To Wooldoor] like a woman on a date with a Jew, you're gonna pay!

African Kid: Oh, dip! Our families will starve!

Toot: Is this where the auditions are?
Frankenberry: Don't be shy, come in. I’m Frankenberry, the president of the cereal empire; this is Tony Tiger; and of course, you know Violent Retard, from "Violent Retard Flakes"
Toot: There isn't any cereal called "Violent Retard Flakes".
Frankenberry: You tell him.

Tony Tiger: Okay, Miss Braunstein, tell us why the new face of Quacker's cereal should be a fat, disgusting woman!
Toot: Because Mary Lou Retton sold a butt-load of Wheaties!

Pop: Hey, has anyone seen Jewel? [Pop sees a crowd] Oh no. Hey Snap, Crackle, that's my wife!
[Snap and Crackle are in a threesome with Jewel]
Jewel: I'm done wit' you, Pop. These boys don't need me to crap on their bellies to get off

Toot: Hey, you cereal-mascot-dickbag! Toot Braunstein is gonna destroy you and the entire cereal empire with these special UPC codes!
Spanky: There's nothing special about UPC Codes. Why, they're everywhere! And have been since 1971. First suggested by Wallace Flint in 1922, the Uniform Product Code or "UPC" was developed... [an annoyed Captain Hero hits him on the head] I like to pee on things!

Wooldoor: Frankenberry?
Spanky: Ohhhh, it's Frankenberry now, because back in Hebrew school it was Frankenstein! Assimilation is our people's worst enemy.
Frankenberry: I know...

Drawn Together Babies[edit]

Foxxy: Hey, wait! Them ain't yo Funyuns! Them's Foxxy's Funyuns.
Narrator: And that is how Foxxy learned "Them ain't yo Funyuns. Them's Foxxy's Funyuns."

Captain Hero: If you tell me everything, I can talk to the D.A. about extenuating circumstances!
Walter: "Extenuating circumstances?" What's that mean?
Captain Hero: How am I supposed to know? I'm a goddamn baby!

Captain Hero: They threw there diapers against the wall. You should punish them with severe force. Then maybe they will love you like I do. [sniffs Mommy's leg and hugs her] God I love you So MUUUUCH!!!

Xandir: Foxxy, wanna race?
Foxxy: A'ight, but I'm real shy, so won't you please pretend I'm the genocide in Sudan and turn your head?
Clara: What's a genocide?
Foxxy: How should I know? I'm just a baby!

Foxxy: You guys get rid of Chad. [the other babies get excited and pull out guns] Not the African country, the babysitter's boyfriend!
[the other babies drop their guns in disappointment]

Wooldoor: WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Captain Hero: "Wheee?" Why the hell did you say "wheee?"
Wooldoor: You damaged my internal organs on the Sit n' Spin. I have to make that sound every thirty seconds, or I'll drown in my own bile. [simulates drowning] WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Narrator: And that's how Walter Saget became Wooldoor Sockbat. (Long pause)

Narrator: And that is how Toot became a one-dimensional fat joke.
Woman: [off-screen] Your face is a fat joke!
Narrator: No, yours is.

Doctor: Now, you kids run along. I have to perform an emergency triple bypass.
Clara: "Emergency triple bypass?" What's that?
Doctor: How should I know? I'm just a baby!
[everyone laughs]

Captain Hero: If anybody needs me, I'll be in the fridge, spending time with my new friend.
Narrator: And that is how Captain Hero learned that dead bodies are game for anything... and I do mean anything. Goodnight, and fuck you.

Spanky: Well, both of you seem equally qualified, but I say we listen to Foxxy, since black people deserve a helping hand.
Narrator: And that is how Princess Clara learned to hate the coloreds.

Foxxy: If you like that taste of chocolate, I could give you a tour of the whole factory. [removes most of her wardrobe to distract Captain Hero]
Narrator: And that is how Foxxy Love became a whooooooore.

Spanky: We'll have a Spring wedding, with garlands!
Clara: Oh, this is so romantic.
Ling-Ling: What are you people, insane? We're four babies in a trench coat! We have to get out of here! We murdered someone today!
Clara: Ling-Ling's right. We can't give up on our one chance at true love.
Ling-Ling: [speaking Oriental] Fine. You no listen to me. Ling-Ling start speaking crazy language I make up with dead twin.
Narrator: [speaking Ling-Ling's language] And that is how Ling-Ling began speaking [stretches eyes to look like an Asian person] Oriental.

Narrator: And that is how Spanky Ham came to love the wonderful world of excrement... almost as much as I do. [gets under a glass table with a dollar bill in hand] Ready! [we see some excrement fall onto the table]

Narrator: And that is how Xandir became a... "homo."

Daddy: I'll go and take the sitter home.
Mommy: Good, 'cause I've been brewing a major steamer, and if I don't drop it out soon, it's gonna tear me to shreds.
Daddy: WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SO DISGUSTING?!

Daddy: I don't wanna be late, so could you move your fat ass?!
Mommy: Shut your goddamn mouth, you drunken, unemployed bastard! You're gonna wake up Sid! [cut to Sid's bassinet, where the buzzing of flies can be heard, indicating that he has passed away]

Captain Hero: I'm telling Mommy!
Xandir: You are such a tattletale, you adopted homo!
Captain Hero: I was NOT adopted!

Captain Hero: Like when Daddy plays with Mommy on her woman week, I've caught you red-handed!

Foxxy: Walter?! What happened to your face?
Wooldoor: What the fuck happened to your face?!

Charlotte: Listen, you little bastards! My boyfriend, Chad Huffington, heir to the Huffington Pants fortune, is coming over, so you assholes better shut the hell up and stay in your fucking rooms!
Captain Hero: Don't worry, ma'am, I'll patrol the hallway and make sure they stay put.
Charlotte: Spoken like a true ass-kissing adopted homo.

Captain Hero: So, Walter Saget, I suppose you don't know anything about that missing babysitter.
Walter: How should I know? I'm just a pure and innocent little baby. Maybe she went to wash her dirty snatch!

Clara: To make the babysitter come, I'll cry even louder than Daddy after he found out about Black Daddy.

Mrs. Huffington: Oh, Chad, that tramp is clearly after your money!
Chad: But Mother, this is the woman I love!
Chase: Love? Ha! [lights a cigarette, puffs once, and flicks it] You don't even know what love is.
Chad: Shut your mouth, my Rebellious Brother, Chase!
Mrs. Huffington: [to Chase] And would you put on some pants for God's sake?!
Chase: Pants? Ha! [lights another cigarette, puffs once, and flicks it] I don't even know what "pants" is. [he is shown wearing a kilt]

Chad: Pants... they're not just for chimps anymore!

[Lyrics to Drawn Together Babies]
Drawn Together Babies: Ooh-ee-ee-ooh-ooh-ee-ooh!
Drawn Together Babies!
We're cute little girls and boys
We use imagination
Like athletes use their 'roids
Captain Hero: I like to follow the rules.
Clara: I think tolerance is cool.
Toot: Yay friendliness!
Spanky: And cleanliness!
Foxxy: I love my chastity.
Walter: No goofing around for me!
Xandir: I like cars and girls.
Sid: I like to sleep on my stomach.
Ling-Ling: And I'm also in this song!
Drawn Together Babies: Drawn Together Babies
We poopy in our beds
We are so adorable
You'll wanna smash our heads in
Drawn Together Babies!

Ling-Ling: ATTICA! ATTICA!

Nipple Ring-Ring Goes to Foster Care[edit]

Uncle Benny: Jesus H. Snork! You sure knows rice!
Ling-Ling: Well, you know what they say: we Asians born with grain of rice between our legs!

Captain Hero: A disgusting pig? A homosexual? Am I at Prince Charles' wedding?

Little Orphan Annie: [to Foxxy] Whatever you do, don't let him take... Your eyes!

Uncle Benny: [to Ling-Ling] Boy, I got's to say, like the tumor in my brain, you're beginning to grow on me

Uncle Benny: Foster son, since you've been here, my heart has swollen, soiled and lost nutrients. Just like my crappy rice

Foxxy: Repeat people much?
Ling-Ling: Repeat people much?
Foxxy: Repeat people much?
Ling-Ling: Repeat people much?
Foxxy: Repeat people much?
Ling-Ling: Repeat people much?

Foxxy: We went to the Rice Museum/Holocaust Memorial, and Daddy got me this awesome T-shirt! It says, "Never forget..." [turns around]
Uncle Benny: "...to salt the water before boilin' the rice."

Captain Hero: This has gotten so good! You know that kid I've been fucking with?
Xandir: Um, yeah, you mean you?
Captain Hero: Yes. It turns out, he's unstable! [enraged] WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME?!?!
Xandir: Because you're talking to me.
Captain Hero: [sobbing] Then why won't you listen?!? [calm again] Anyhoo...

Foxxy: With our little Chinese friend gone, things just wasn't the same. Our nails was unmanicured, our Zen garden was unraked, and now our Tibetans got way too much freedom.

Foxxy: Now, where's I supposed to sleep? [a dirty mattress and dog bowl are drawn in] Hold up! Is this some kinda joke? [is redrawn as a weird creature] That's it! Show yourself!
Bugs Bunny: [as the artist] Ain't I an asshole?

Megatron: I can transform. Watch. [transforms into a gun and back] Now you transform.
Foxxy: But I can't trans...
Megatron: [transforms into a gun again] I SAID TRANSFORM!!

Toot Goes Bollywood[edit]

Phat Allen: Hey, that kid looks like a little girl in a pretzel store.
Mushy Mouth: Little girl-buh in a pretzel store-buh?
Phat Allen: Yeah, she's being a-salted!

Phat Allen: Boy, Foxxy. You're just like a German porn star's mouth.
Foxxy: German porn star's mouth?
Phat Allen: Yeah, you're full of shit!
[Phat Allen & his gang laugh hysterically]'

Phat Allen: They oughta call you Lance Armstrong.
Foxxy: 'Cause I only gots one ball left?
Phat Allen: Wait a minute. Isn't Lance Armstrong the guy who hangs upside down from giant magnets?

Xandir: Here we are! The Large Bryant really big and fat and not tall but fat store.

Foxxy: They oughta call you Daddy.
Phat Allen: Daddy?
Foxxy: 'Cause you missed terribly!

Foxxy: Oh, Phat Allen? Come out and plaaaaay!

Not Bright Donald: Hey Phat Allen, you're just like a library on Sunday.
Phat Allen: A library on Sunday?
Not Bright Donald: Yeah, no circulation!

Indian Husband: Oh, my God!
Indian Wife: We have hit the most sacred of all creatures in our completely sensible religion: a cow!
Indian Husband: Oh, my hundreds of goofy gods!

Foxxy: What the hell is wrong with you, Toot?! Can't you see I'm bangin' Astro?
Scooby-Doo: Ri rain't Rastro, ritch!
Toot: Jesus, Foxxy, you're such a whore! You've had more infected wangs in you than a Shanghai hospital!
Scooby-Doo: Roh ro you ridn't!
Foxxy: You just jealous because you couldn't get screwed at a convention of Jewish insurance salesmen!
Scooby-Doo: Rou rid rot rust ro there!

Spanky Ham: Well, I don't like to blow my own horn...though for five bucks, I can't

Foxxy: They oughta call me childhood vaccinations.
Phat Allen: Childhood vaccinations?
Foxxy: 'Cause I've been killin' innocent kids.

Not Bright Donald: Miss Love, isn't it true you like a bowlin' ball?
Foxxy: A bowlin' ball?
Not Bright Donald: Yeah, 'cause you get fingered and thrown in the gutter 20 times a night!

(After the Indian family sings a song for Toot)
Toot: Holy crap! That sucked my BALLS!
[The family gasps]
Family: It speaks!
Toot: Oh Goddamn it. I mean... moo? Well, I guess the jig is up. Okay assbags, thanks for the grub and the retarded dance.

Phat Allen: Hey, hey, hey, hey. I think the Brown Hornet's tryin' to tell us somethin'.
Not Bright Donald: What, Phat Allen, who has absolutely no affiliation with Bill Cosby's lovable character, Fat Albert?
Phat Allen: I don't know, but I think it's about beatin' your meat.

Toot: (to the Indian crowd) OK, everyone, circle up!
Otis Day: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT!?

American Idol Parody Clip Show[edit]

Jew Producer: Toot, you suck, yet you keep returning. How do you explain this phenomenon?
Toot: Well, how do you explain your fugly face!?
Jew Producer: I was burned in a horrible accident. It's quite sad, really...

Cast: One house to hold us all
Eight different cartoon characters
Letting it all hang out in front of a million cameras
We're Drawn Together!

Jew Producer: Captain Hero, the votes are in, and you are...safe!
Captain Hero: Oh my god! I love you, America! So why shouldn't we have a fucking baby?!?!

Jew Producer: Xandir, your appearance on the show has been one of the most controversial in recent years. Most notably, you're alleged affair with...moi
Xandir: Eeeew! I wouldn't have sex with a Jewish guy even if you payed me. Which of course, you wouldn't

Brian Dunkleman: Ryan Seacrest was right. I'm not a Dunkleman. I'm a Dunkleboy.

Toot: Hey, assholes! Thanks for watching!

Jew Producer: Now, Captain Hero...
Captain Hero: It's pronounced "Capitan", the "Hero" is silent

Clara: Okay, stop your game, Jew Producer, no-one's being voted off. We've been doing this for three years, we're all coming back
[The shot freezes and a Fun-Fact pops up saying "When this line was written, Drawn Together had not yet been cancelled"]

Jew Producer: When we return we'll find out which one of our six remaining contestants' dreams will be totally ruined like your mom's reputation after I bone her face.

Fun-Facts
This [One House] was the original rejected theme song of Drawn Together
The writers played Halo instead of punching up [Hero's line about how his name is pronounced "Capitan"].
Toot's character is based on your mother's face.
Sorry, we didn't know your mom had passed.
Last year's fun facts were 40% more fun.
Brian Dunkleman declined to voice himself.
Clip shows make budgetary cents.
The Drawn Together producers consider themselves casual friends with Seth MacFarlane.
This is a terribly disappointing series finale.
There is not enough space to finish this Drawn Toget
When this line was written, Drawn Together had not yet been cancelled.

The Drawn Together Movie: The Movie![edit]

Wooldoor: Foxxy, the only thing you're good at is giving head, and you managed to do the opposite!
Foxxy: You too Wooldoor?
[Foxxy runs away crying and Wooldoor feels sad]

[The housemates are waking up in their house]
Clara: Good morning, people and Foxxy. It's a lovely day to be on a reality show.
Foxxy: And it's a great day to deny wettin' the bed. WHICH I DID NOT DO!

Network Head: No wonder everyone hates you, I.S.R.A.E.L., you're so goddamn aggravating!

Foxxy: I.S.R.A.E.L.? Why the fuck is it on our land when we already live here?

Captain Hero: You saved us, Molly! And tonight, I'll even let you fuck me in the mouth!

Rhino Guard: Do you not know that impersonating a princess is a serious offense, punishable by death?
Clara: [slapping the guard] Do you not know that sucking my dick is a serious offense, punishable by FUCK YOU! Now let us in at once or I'll have your children killed! [to the camera] Yeah, it's good to be home.

Suck My Taint Girl: Look, Make-A-Point Land!
Wooldoor: Where? I can't see it.
Foxxy: It's right over there, between Why-You-So-Bitter-About-Being-Canceled Land and You-Had-Three-Or-Four-Seasons-You-Should-Be-Happy-With-What-You-Got-Most-Shows-Don't-Even-Get-That Land.

Foxxy: [in a confessional] Now, the only one we needed was Toot, so we set off on our journey to find her, a journey of excitement and adventure, mystery and mayhem, love and loss, a journey that carried us to far-away lands and taught us so much about what was right here inside us all along. A journey which would change us all forever. And then we found her fat ass.

Xandir: [while being imprisoned in a dungeon] I haven't seen this many shit-covered rodents since my last colonoscopy.

Network Head: It's not that I dislike the Drawn Together gang. It's that I hate those motherfuckers!

Foxxy: Guys, I solved a mystery.
Clara: The only mystery you've ever solved is the mystery of the empty uterus. [Everybody except Foxxy laughs]
Foxxy: If that's true, then how did I found out that the Drawn Together had been canceled?
Wooldoor: C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cancelled?
Clara: That's ridiculous!
Captain Hero: Girl, you crazy.
Spanky: Poppycock!
Foxxy: Oh, really? Then why can I say, "You can all fuck my titties with your shit-covered cocks, you cum-guzzling faggots" without being bleeped?
Spanky: Yeah! How the fuck is... Whoa! I just said "fuck!"
Captain Hero: Fuck! Oh, well, I'll be darned.
Toot: Dick-gobbling, blood-soaked, ass-eating turd taster! Whoo-hoo! This is fun!
Ling-Ling: If we not on TV anymore, then why have I been bleaching my anus?

Wooldoor: This is horrible! We're canceled and fake. Just like my child support checks.

Clara: Never trust a Jew producer. I'm obviously a real Disney princess. If I weren't, why would I be so much better than all you people and Foxxy?
Foxxy: Maybe the Jew Producer was tellin' the truth. I mean, Clara, you may look like a Disney princess, but how many Disney princesses have done the things you done done? [cut to various shots of Clara doing un-princess-like things] And how many times you seen Josie and the Pussycats do what I doed? [cut to various shots of Foxxy doing things not befitting of Josie and the Pussycats]
Captain Hero: Now, Foxxy, let's not jump to any conclusions here.
Foxxy: C'mon, Captain Hero, how many real superheroes do you know that bang corpses?
Captain Hero: I don't know. Molly, how many superheroes HAVE you been with? [cut to various shots of Molly in sexual encounters with various superheroes, the last one in which Batman can be seen fellating Robin on a toilet]

Jew Producer: You don't talk much, do you, I.S.R.A.E.L.?
I.S.R.A.E.L.: I.S.R.A.E.L. talks when I.S.R.A.E.L. has something to say.
Jew Producer: OK, just trying to pass the time here. Listen, I know you're a robot and everything, but don't you have feeling? Isn't it hard for you to destroy things that have never wronged you?
I.S.R.A.E.L.: Everyone has wronged I.S.R.A.E.L.!

Foxxy: You out your fuckin' mind! I said fuck, and they didn't even beep it! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! What about shit? What about cunt? What about shitcunt? No beeps! They ain't beeping the curse words! [to Wooldoor] Go on, try it! Say something!
Wooldoor: Okay. Uh, schwartza. Mud baby. Smoked Irishman. Ink face!
Foxxy: Nah, dummy, they never censor racism. I'm talking about words like "shitcunt".
Wooldoor: Ooh, I could never say that. Those are bad words.

Spanky: Well, like a colostomy bag, I'm on Foxxy's side. I liked being a reality TV star.
Wooldoor: Yeah! We need to get our show back. Otherwise, I'll have to go back to my old gig: exposing myself to children, and that union has THE worst health plan!

Spanky: If I can't fart or vomit or fill up an ice tray with the afterbirth of Foxxy's miscarriage and hand them out as ice pops to terminally-ill children on my hospital tours without making some kind of point, then maybe it's just not worth it.

Captain Hero: Psst! That guard outfit makes you look fat.
Ryan the Rhino Guard: It does? [runs off crying]
Another Rhino Guard: Oh, great! Now I'll have to deal with that all night. Ryan, wait up!

I.S.R.A.E.L.: I.S.R.A.E.L. must kill you all
Xandir: Wait, can't we just work something out?
I.S.R.A.E.L.: I.S.R.A.E.L. must be aggressive to survive. It's a common sense policy

Jew Son: Hey, after that, Jew Dad, can we play a little catch?
Jew Producer: Of course, Jew Son. Gosh, I love you. I don't know what I'd do if anything would happen to you. Oh, how emotionally invested I am in you staying safe and remaining alive, as would anyone watching us right now. [his cell phone rings] Oh, no.
Jew Wife: Don't you dare answer that! It's Shabbat!
Jew Producer: But it's work! It must be important if the boss is calling today.
Jew Wife: I don't care if it's Moses himself. Do NOT answer that!

Clara: What the... [walks into the king, who is not her father at all] Who the fuck are you? [everyone gasps]
King: I am the king!
Clara: The king? You are not the king. My father is the king, which makes me the princess.
Real Princess: Father, I think this peasant has gone mad with the plague... [spinning around, during which time we get to see her vagina under her dress] for everyone knows I am the true princess of the land.

Xandir: [to a crying Clara] Oh, it's OK, Clara. So we're not who we think we are. So what, right?
Clara: So what? If I'm not a princess, then I'm just another beautiful virgin with real C-cups and a super-tight ass that continuously vibrates and tastes like wild berries.

Trivia & Notes:

  • The Smurfs return since "Hot Tub" (see above), to be a knife fighting again at the booze style. They were only purple.

Voice cast[edit]

Tara Strong - Princess Clara/Toot Braunstein/Various
James Arnold Taylor - Wooldoor Sockbat/The Jew Producer/Various
Cree Summer - Foxxy Love/Suck My Taint Girl (movie only)/Strawberry Sweetcake
Abbey DiGregorio - Ling-Ling
Jack Plotnick - Xandir P. Wifflebottom
Adam Carolla - Spanky Ham
Jess Harnell - Captain Leslie Hero/Jun-Lee/Various
Seth MacFarlane - I.S.R.A.E.L. (movie only)
Vernon Wells - Network Head (movie only)