Dungeons & Dragons (TV series)
Dungeons & Dragons was a 1980s cartoon series following the adventures of six youths in "The Realm" and their attempts to return home.
Season One 
Night of No Tomorrow 
- Merlin: I am a great magician, but the one thing I cannot do is grow hair.
The Eye of the Beholder 
- Presto: It must be a hundred and twenty degrees in the shade, and there isn't any shade!
- Eric: Did you hear what he said? No telling what we may run into!
- Dungeon Master: [Appears from behind a rock] No telling?
- Eric: Aaah! Dungeon Master! Do you always have to do that?!
- Dungeon Master: No, not always.
- Uni: (Panicked bleating)
- Eric: For once, I agree with you, Uni.
- Presto: Powers that come and go in the night, banish these snail-things from my sight!
- [His hat covers his head with a bucket]
The Hall of Bones 
Valley of the Unicorns 
- Presto: Well, that should do it. Venger should be here any minute-
- Venger: Where?
- Presto: Right here! Don't you think- [finally notices him; screams]
- Hank: It's our fault Silvermane's here; maybe this "trick" gets him back.
- Eric: And maybe it gets us zapped by Kelek!
- Kelek: It does, indeed.
In Search of Dungeon Master 
- Dungeon Master: (Gleefully, easily fighting off monsters) I haven't done this in years! I'd forgotten how much fun this kind of thing could be.
- [Shadow Demon bumps into Venger and gasps]
- Venger: Well, what is it?
- Shadow Demon: Ah, I have news.
- Venger: Yes?
- Shadow Demon: Warduke has captured Dungeon Master!
- Venger: Unlikely.
- Shadow Demon: I saw him.
- Venger: (Disbelieving) You saw him?
- Shadow Demon: Warduke says Dungeon Master is yours- for the right price.
- Venger: "The right price"?! Warduke has either become very brave.... or very stupid. However, I've waited many years for Dungeon Master to make his mistake; I will see to it that it's his last.
Beauty and the Bogbeast 
Prison Without Walls 
- Eric: Go transplant yourself, you walking weed!
- Presto: I wonder if we'll ever find a way out of this world.
- Dungeon Master: You will one day, Magician. With each brave deed, you grow more worthy. You will be rewarded, in time.
- Eric: In time for what - our retirement?
Servant of Evil 
- Presto: Where's Dungeon Master when you need him?
- Eric: Forget Dungeon Master, we need a SWAT team!
Quest of the Skeleton Warrior 
- Eric: (To Dungeon Master) What's the catch this time, Your Shortness?
- Bobby: All right, you bag of bones- try picking on somebody my size!
- Eric: Ow! What genius stuck a tree in the middle of the hallway?
- Presto: Uh, Eric.... [Looks around] I think the tree's in the right place, and we're not.
- Eric and Presto are pursued by winged demons
- Presto: Oh no, I am unsure about all of them!
- Eric: Presto, for once stop worrying and just concentrate on working a powerful spell. Try summoning an aircraft carrier for instance!
- Presto: Abra kaDavy! Bring us the United States Navy! [Creates an aircraft carrier. Demons all hit the stern headfirst]
- Eric: Well, you did stop them!
- Dechyon: Yes.... a traitor and a liar.... and I have suffered for it!
- Dungeon Master: He's right, Cavalier: Evil deeds do return to their source. They always come full circle, and their evil will never end until the circle is broken.
- Dechyon: You have what you want, Venger! Release me from your spell!
- Venger: You did not bring me the Circle, Dechyon. I seized it myself. I owe you nothing. But soon, you shall have six more skeleton warriors to keep you company! [Attacks Hank, attempting to transform him into a skeleton]
The Garden of Zinn 
- Diana: (Struggling to reel in a fish) It's bigger than I thought!
- Presto: Maybe lunch for seven?
- [A sea monster rises from the water]
- Sheila: More like seven for lunch!
- Eric: [Finds a bag of food] Holy cow! I must be dreaming! [Sotto voce] Hello? Anyone belong to this food here? [Normal] No? Good.
- Hank: Hang on, Eric. Don't you notice anything strange?
- Eric: Strange? We're walking through the Valley of Smoke, looking for pickled dragon's feet. What could be strange?
- Dungeon Master: The right road is not the left.
- Eric: That's the real Dungeon Master, all right.
The Box 
- Eric: "Nothing"? First there's something valuable in it, then there's pain and horror in it, and now there's nothing in it! I think there's nothing in his head.
- Eric: Oh, I get it: There's something in the box and nothing in the box and the nothing is valuable but the something is horrible, and if we open it in the right place we get nothing, which is good, but if we open it in the wrong place we get something, which is horrible. I love this little guy!
- [After briefly making it home, the kids are forced to return to the Realm after Venger follows them there]
- Eric: [Laughs] Those saps can go back if they want to; not me. Nope, I'm home, and I'm staying.... Nothing can make me change my mind-
- [Venger rides up behind him on Nightmare, who is literally breathing down his neck]
- Venger: Give me that shield.
The Lost Children 
- Presto: Sorry, Eric. My hat doesn't work too well when it's wet.
- Eric: Or any other time.
- Presto: (To the Lost Children, seeing Alfore) He's one of you?
- Bobby: You're one of him?
- Uni: [Confused noises]
- Eric: You guys grow up to be Wookiees?!
- Eric: Ha! I wouldn't fly in that thing if Venger was standing right next to me.
- Venger: SEIZE THEM!
- Presto: Magic hat, I'm gonna be frank: What we need now is a twenty-ton tank.
P-R-E-S-T-O Spells Disaster 
Season Two 
The Girl Who Dreamed of Tomorrow 
The Treasure of Tardos 
- Eric: (To Dungeon Master) What this time, oh terrible tour guide?
- Eric: You're the leader, what do we do?
- Hank: The only thing we can do - run!
- Eric: (Running) I coulda thought of that!
- Hank: [Disbelieving] Make friends with Venger?
- Eric: Oh, sure- how are we supposed to do that?
- Presto: Buy him another horn for his helmet?
- Venger: Beware what you say when you speak of magic, wizard, or you shall see who has the greater power. As for you, Ranger, you have destroyed that which I created. How, I am not yet certain, but you have restored the balance. Now, we are even. The next time we meet.... expect no favors.
- Hank: Likewise, Venger.
- Venger: [Leaving] So be it.
- Sheila: Hey.... you think maybe Venger's not all bad?
- Eric: Sure, and Genghis Khan was a stand-up comic.
- Dungeon Master: [Far behind] You are wrong, Cavalier. There was good in Venger, once. A long time ago. Everyone makes mistakes. Venger was mine.
City at the Edge of Midnight 
- Eric: Oh, come on, I know exactly where we are!
- Presto: Yeah, a hundred miles from nowhere and fifty miles from anyplace.
- Dungeon Master: Patience, young ones. You will find both safety, and danger ahead.
- Sheila: Do we have to find both?
- Eric: What do you mean, "we"? "We" means us! Me and them! I know who they are! They know who I am! But who are you?!
- Sheila: [Cornered] Uh-oh! End of the road!
- Bobby: [Turns] You mean for them.
- Presto: Aw, Hank, can't we stay? Ramuud's awfully nice.
- Diana: Yeah, it's the next best thing to having a real dad.
- Eric: [depressed] Are you kidding? He's better than my dad ever was.
- Jimmy: Hi, Sheila! Hi, Bobby! How did you guys get in my dream?
- Sheila: Dream? This is real!
- Eric: As soon as you get home, call our parents!
- Bobby: Tell them we're okay! Tell them everything's okay!
- Hank: We'll be home as soon as we find a portal back!
- Jimmy: Wait a minute, are you guys cracked? This is Sunday night, you guys went to the amusement park and I couldn't go because I had homework, remember? And I'm asleep now, and this is just a dream.
- Presto: No, no! I-It's real, and we're lost! Tell our parents!
- Jimmy: I'm sure! Look, I'll see you in the morning at school, okay? Then you can show me another one of your dumb card tricks, eh, "Presto"? [Laughs] See you around, guys. [Disappears]
The Traitor 
- Cloud Bear: (Describing "The Green Ones") The have ugly flat noses, and tusks that stick up, and mean eyes!
- Presto: Wait a minute, I know that description. [Walks off, thinking] It's coming.... it's coming- [Walks into Orc captain] Aaaahhh! It's here!
- Eric: We're outnumbered ten to one!
- Diana: All right, then, you take two, I'll take eighteen.
- Orc: (mocking Hank after he has been exiled from the Cloud Bear city) What's the matter, human? Got no friends no more?
Day of the Dungeonmaster 
- Dungeon Master: There are many matters that require my attention, Cavalier. The life of a Dungeon Master is not an easy one.
- Eric: Are you kidding me? You have all this power and you never even use it! Boy, if I was Dungeon Master, I'd have it made!
- Dungeon Master: What an interesting proposition! And it's true, I could use a little rest. Very well, Cavalier, I accept your offer.
- Presto: Just how far is it to this city, Eric?
- Eric: How am I supposed to know?
- Presto: You're Dungeon Master, remember?
- Eric: Oh. Right. Let's see, what would Dungeon Master say? [in a riddle-like tone] "You will find it, unless it finds you first; it is a long way off- yet in truth, it is very near!" (normal) How was that?
- [The other kids boo him.]
- Eric: Hurry! Get through the portal before it closes! I'll hold Venger off!
- Hank: You're crazy. He's got our weapons and the Grimoire! What makes you think you can stop him?
- Eric: Because I have to! Because I'm Dungeon Master!
- Eric: Not a chance, Horn-Head! C'mon! Take your best shot! Put up your dukes, let's see what you've got. Only one of us will survive this fight, and it's not gonna be me! .... That's not right.
- Venger: [Advancing] Did you really believe a child like you could be Dungeon Master? This is your worst mistake ever here, and it will be your last.
The Last Illusion 
- Eric: [Imprisoned] "Regular"? We're giant-sized! C'mon! What's the matter with you guys? So we don't have our weapons - we still got our voices!
- Bobby: Huh?
- Eric: [Shouting and banging a plate against the window] I wanna see my lawyer! There's no TV in my cell! What about my phone call? I demand my riiights! [...] ...I've never been in a prison with such bad food! There's no ketchup on my French fries! And there's no French fries! HEY!
- Sheila: But how are we going to sneak past those two ugly orcs?
- Eric: I hear unicorns make great decoys-
- Bobby: (Hugging Uni) Forget it!
The Dragon's Graveyard 
- Eric: This is all Venger's fault. We oughta do something about that guy.
- Hank: [Twists bow, then throws it to the ground] Eric's right.
- Eric: I am?
- Hank: Yeah. And we are going to do something about it.
- Eric: We are?
- Hank: The only chance we have of getting out of this world is if we take care of Venger once and for all.
- Dungeon Master: Listen to me Ranger. Do not let your anger control you. [The kids close in] The course you are taking.... can only.... lead.... to.... ruin? [Defeated] So then, it has come to this: Tiamat lives where the dragons go to die. The place that is the source of your weapons: the Dragon's Graveyard. As for to use her to overcome Venger-
- Hank: No riddles! Tell us straight.
- Dungeon Master: Ask her! She may help you. But then.... she may not. May I go now?
- Hank: Venger. He's blasting the rocks. Trying to get to us.
- Bobby: Good. I'm ready for him!
- Eric: That's a comfort.
- Eric: [In the Dragon's Graveyard] Now what?
- Hank: Now we find Tiamat.
- Eric: [Looks around at the skeletons] How do we know which one of these is her?
- Presto: Simple, dummy: She'll be the one who attacks us.
- Tiamat: What do YOU know of [Hissing] VENGER?!
- Hank: Dungeon Master said you could help us beat him.
- Tiamat: In the Dragons' Graveyard, your weapons are more powerful than VENGER! But, you must face him here, and, in that, I CAN help you! (Flies away through a dimensional portal)
- Venger: Why.... did you not finish me?
- Hank: Because if I did, we'd be no better than you are. We've beaten you, and you know it! Do you understand, Venger? I didn't do it for you: I did it for us.
- Hank: Dungeon Master.... What happens now?
- Dungeon Master: That is up to you, Ranger. But know this: You have taken your first step home.
Child of the Stargazer 
- Travar: What do you want of me, Serus?
- Serus: You know why. Tell me why, Travar.
- Travar: (Nervous) An accident- an-an oversight...
- Serus: Indeed? What a coincidence that on the very day of star-fall, the only one who can fulfill the prophecy and end my reign as queen escapes from your dungeon! You have until tonight to capture him. The prophecy must not come true! You will not allow it to, will you... (Sarcastically) my king....
Season Three 
Dungeon at the Heart of Dawn 
- Eric: Hold it right there, Captain Shortness! [Bobby turns around] Not you, the other one! This stupid safari's not taking another step until you tell us what's going on!
- Dungeon Master: [Pauses] We are running, Cavalier! For our very lives!
- Eric: [Grabs Dungeon Master's shoulder] From what? Come on, this is a joke, right? You're looking at old pros here! We've survived everything this silly Realm's dished out, from five-headed dragons to one-horned Vengers!
- Presto: Yeah, everything except triple-eyed, double-fanged, flying purple people-eaters.
- Bobby: Are you kidding? I got one of those last week!
- Eric: Give it up, Presto. Nothing in that hat's gonna help us!
- Presto: Well, not unless you want a-a set of highway safety flares! Or-Or a battery-powered emergency radio! .... with no batteries. Or maybe a copy of.... "Ranger Fred's Guide to Survival in the Amazon"? [Groans] I think my stupid hat needs a tune-up.
Citadel of Shadow 
- Presto: Why aren't they coming after us?
- Eric: Can't blame them; this place looks like something out of "Better Homes and Gargoyles".
- [Kareena is wildly firing magical blasts around an illusion-filled room; Sheila, invisible, laughs]
- Sheila: I sure hope Venger's other brothers and sisters are more clever than you.
- Kareena: [Panicking, intensifying blasts] When I'm through with you, I'll deal with your friends!
- Sheila: How would you know what friends are? You don't have any!
- Kareena: YOU'LL NEVER ESCAPE! [Blasts a wall, revealing the door]
- Sheila: [Singsong] Thank you....
- Eric: [Again denied a way home] Oh, great, I knew it. Goodbye, pizza, goodbye, milkshake, goodbye, cheeseburgers.... sauerkraut.... homework.... (Lightly) Oh, well, I guess it isn't all bad news.
The Time Lost 
- Eric: (Having his hair cut by Presto) Right now, I'd be happy to find a decent barber.
- Presto: Would you hold still?
- Eric: I am! What do you want, rigor mortis?
- Pilot: Mayday! Mayday! Starfire to base! Does anybody read me? I just had a dogfight with a- a flyin' dragon! Where am I? What's goin' on? Can anybody hear me?!
- Venger: [Flies in] I hear you. Surrender your ship to me. Now.
- Pilot: Base, base, do you copy? Now I'm under attack by- some guy in a dress.... ridin' a flying horse?
- Venger: I shall explain. Your.... friend and I have struck a bargain.
- Diana: What?!
- Venger: In exchange for passage back to his own world, he has agreed to help me eliminate you from this one. With that machine, he will tip the scales of battle: His country, not yours, shall win your insignificant Second World War. History will change. Your parents will have never met. And none of you will have been born.
- Sheila: What?! [Venger condescendingly lifts her chin] Hank!!
- Bobby: Get away from my sister, you creep! [Swings club at Venger, who easily catches it and lifts him into the air]
- Sheila: Bobby!
- Venger: How very amusing. [Hank nocks an energy arrow] Go ahead, Ranger. Fire, if you wish.
- [Venger drops Bobby, who tries to attack him again, but Sheila holds him back]
- Bobby: Let me go!
- Sheila: No, Bobby! That's what he wants you do to!
- Venger: Indeed. I want you to do whatever you please, Barbarian. Fight. Scream. Run, if you wish! As fast and as far as you can! In a moment, the portal will open, and even the memory of you will vanish from your world!
Oddyssey of the 12th Talisman 
The Winds of Darkness 
- Martha: Well, before you attempt the impossible, you'd better eat.
- Martha: (To Darkling) There is no darkness so powerful that a single candle flame can't chase it away!
Cave of the Fairie Dragons 
- Soldier: How could you lose a creature that shade of orange?!
The 2006 DVD release of Dungeons & Dragons included a radio play production of the previously-unproduced final episode, "Requiem".
- Venger: Your pupils are doomed to failure. They are brave only because they know you stand behind them.
- Dungeon Master: Not so: They can triumph over anything in the Realm, as you well know. They will not fail.
- Hank: C'mon, we all know what this is about. We're not mad at each other - we're mad at Dungeon Master. I don't know what to tell you... except that it's getting dark, and we'd better find a place to camp. You want the point, Eric? You got it. Lead the way.
- Eric: This whole Realm is a dungeon, y'know that? And we're all prisoners. We thought Dungeon Master was our friend, but it turns out he's just another guard.
- Venger: So Dungeon Master has finally shown his true colors. Have you never wondered why his advice always led you into battle, and never back to your world? It has been convenient for you to see Dungeon Master as good, and me as evil. But things are not that simple. I have granted your lives before. Aid me now, and I shall grant you your dearest wish: I will send you back to your own world.
- Hank: Eric, we gotta stick together-
- Eric: Why, Hank? We always stick together, and it hasn't gotten us home. You guys can do what you want, but we're going after that key.
- Sheila: Are we doing the right thing, Eric?
- Eric: I don't know. But we're not turning back.
- Dungeon Master: And you have given those trapped in this Realm their freedom. I can do no less for you. You are free to return to your world now, if you wish. Or you may stay here, in the Realm. There is still much evil to be dealt with, and many adventures yet to be had. The choice, my children, is yours.
- Narrator: The kids look at each other, grinning, tears of happiness in their eyes, ready to make their greatest decision of all. They survey their newly-transformed surroundings, the Realm's Edge, majestic mountains, and puffy clouds, even the incredible vista of the entire Realm itself, with its myriad lands and lifeforms, its joys, its dangers. Though it's a new Realm now, it still is, and always will be the Realm of Dungeons and Dragons.