Eastbound & Down

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Eastbound & Down (2009-) is an HBO comedy show about a former professional baseball pitcher, who after a disappointing career is forced to return to his hometown middle-school as a substitute physical education teacher. you see a hot girls tits if you buy the dvd and it is a funny show.

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Contents

[edit] Season One

[edit] Chapter One [1.01]

Interviewer: So Kenny, how do you feel about playing for New York?
Kenny Powers: You mean Jew York? It's fucking great.
Kenny: [to interviewer] Man, I thought the blacks in Baltimore were bad, but they're nothing compared to the fags y'all got here in San Francisco. [belly laughs]
Terrence: You want a smoothie?
Kenny: No, I'm straight.
Cassie: (about her daughter) Her name is Rose, named after miss Kate Winslet in the movie Titanic.
Kenny: You named your daughter after fucking Titanic?
Dustin: It's Cassie's favorite movie.
Kenny: Oh, wow! You gotta be shitting me! What's his name? (pointing at the youngest son) Fucking Shrek?
Kenny: (on the phone with an escort) Can I wear the Scream mask?... The mask from Scream... When I do you from behind...

[edit] Chapter Two [1.02]

[Kenny misses his target, a can on a stick, and hits and breaks a birdbath instead]

Dustin, Jr.: Why didn't you hit the target?
Kenny: Because, Dustin, Jr., at the last minute I decided NOT to hit the target. I decided to go for that birdbath your Dad put in there just- I'm trying so hard not to be an asshole to you guys, ok? Just please work with me here... alright, I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you guys. I'm just kinda disappointed with my own arm and how it's trying to butt-fuck me back here.
Dustin, Jr.: I hated that birdbath.
Kenny: I broke that birdbath for you 'cause I knew how much you hated it 'cause we're the same. I hate that fuckin' thing too... A stork wrapped around a tree branch, that's the stupidest thing I've ever seen before. You know how the plague started back in the day, was from a little disgusting birdbath in someone's backyard that rats made sex to birds in it and created a whole new type of AIDS.
Kenny: April, I gotta come clean, babe. There is one image in my life that consistently makes me happy no matter when I think about it. And that image, that one image is your big tits.
Ashley: I don't want to be embarrassed.
Kenny: Well, you're doing a good job of that on your own just by how you fucking look.
Kenny: I thought Ashley Schaeffer was gonna be a woman.
Ashley: I love women, so I'll take that as a compliment.
Ashley: They're [the female salespeople] my closers, and they help people who are slightly hesitant to buy cars. So if you happen to be a man, Ashley over there will suck your dick.
[Kenny exhales sharply]
Kenny: I like how you work.
Ashley: And if you happen to be a woman, Scott over there will finger you with his penis.
Kenny: [Kenny has taken ecstasy and is about to start dancing] Alright. If you won't listen to my words, then listen, to my dancing feet. Work drugs.
Kenny: I like you, Tracy, but I'm gonna have to insist on you using some sort of protection. There's a dental dam up in my truck.
Tracy: What the fuck is a dental dam?
Kenny: It's like a rubber for your mouth. Nevermind what it is, just go get it! And it's not just for my protection, because you don't know what kinda shit I got either.

[edit] Chapter Three [1.03]

Kenny: Some people say Kenny Powers is a woman-hater. That's not true; I love women - every fuckin' one of 'em. Even the ugly-as-shit ones. But don't ask me to trust 'em, even nuns, because every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can't fill.
Kenny: What are you looking at?
Paper Boy: Your nice hair, asshole.
Kenny: Yeah, nice job making three bucks a week dipshit. Sell weed and you'll make more money.
Kenny: So, besides getting shot in the back of the head do you know what else Abraham Lincoln did? He was a champion wrestler in high school and no, I'm not making that up.
Kenny: I need you to score me some juice.
Clegg: What do you mean? Like from the store.
Kenny: No, motherfucker. Steroids! Don't talk like you don't know about drugs when you do.

[edit] Chapter Four [1.04]

Kenny: You should see my fuckin' cook outs, man. When I was back in Seattle, I had the goddamn spoon man from the Soundgarden videos coming to my shit.
Dustin: No way.
Kenny: Oh yeah. I'm talking 6 grills burnin' at all times, tiki torches, three whole pigs, fucking shitloads of macaroni and cheeses, baked potatoes, collard greens, a horse, fucking Puerto Rican chicks showing their pussies and tits off everywhere. They were amazing.
Stevie: Terrence, I don't teach you how to principal I don't think you should tell me how to teach band.
Terrence: You clearly don't understand the employer-employee relationship.
Stevie: Uh, I'm starting to and I don't like it.
Kenny: (To his hired date) What did I tell you? I said put something nice on. You look like a busted Daytona stripper in that shit.
Tracy: This is my eveningwear! What the fuck do you know about style?
Kenny: I know one of us has had his own personal stylist, and the other shoplifts their shit from Fashion Bug. Alright, what else you got?
Tracy: [runs to the dryer] I got this... [pulls out an ugly orange pair of pants]
Kenny: Honey, I love you...I think you're a terrific girl — but you got clothes like a fuckin' dickhead.
Kenny: I don't believe you met my fuckbuddy Tracy.
Kenny: Kenny Powers, have you ever paid for sex? The answer is yes. Several times in fact. It's actually pretty cool.

[edit] Chapter Five [1.05]

Ashley Schaffer: I had a dream about this moment... When I was making love... to my wife Donna. On top a her; powerful thrusts, filling the sultry night air. Heavy breath. My son Gabriel walked in, little boy. My wife sprung out of bed and said "No, Gabriel! Leave!" And I said "No, honey, shut your mouth, let him watch." Let him watch what is being consecrated here. And I want the people to watch what is going to be consecrated here. And I will bring my son down here, and he will watch. He will watch you two battle it here - you two becoming one, ok? This isn't a game anymore - this isn't a game!
Reg Mackworthy: I feel this new lifestyle you got here, Kenny, I do. Let me ask you a question, though. When did you become... SUCH a pussy? I mean, like, you've always been a pussy, you know. But now you're just a vagina with a mullet.

[edit] Chapter Six [1.06]

Pat Anderson: A Gold Card may get you Jonas Brothers tickets. Black involves all three of them sucking your dick.
Kenny: Listen here you beautiful bitch. I am about to fuck you up with some truth.
Kenny: I did not mean to kiss on her pussy, your fiancé.
Kenny: Remember that class where I taught y’all how to make it rain? That’s what I’m going to be doing. Every. Single. Night. Dollar dollar bills, ya'll.
Kenny: You know how you all think there are two kinds of lesbians. There's the kind on Cinemax that get it on and are really hot. Then there's the mean kind. Ms. Carol is neither of those.
Kenny: Alright you stoic little bastard. In the computer room, little second drawer where I keep my weed. Underneath the handgun there's a stash of porn that’ll put calluses on those little hands of yours.
Kenny: The amount of money I'm going to be making would hurt your parents feelings

[edit] Cast

[edit] External links

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