Eight Legged Freaks
Eight Legged Freaks is a black comedy film about mutant spiders that grow to enormous proportions over a few weeks and begin looking for new food. Their contemporary menu now consists of the residents of a small town known as Prosperity, in Arizona, America.
- (First lines) Hello Mike.
- (After Mike has enquired about the alarming size of the arachnids): It's their diet. These have been growing in the pond for the last three days. (Mike: Crickets?) They're like, spider steroids.
- I'm going to make a fortune!
- Yeah, Habronattus orbus.
- Say hello to Consuela...
- I had to bribe every customs agent from San Diego to Tuscon. (Leads Mike over to orb weavers.) You see, the female species is three times as big as the male. (Consuela emerges.) The males try to compete for the females' attention by bringing them the best presents, you know, like rats, mice, (Looks at his parrot, smirking), the occasional parrot. Come.
- (About Consuela) So she can liquefy her prey, wrapped alive...
- (As Mike leaves) When you come back next week they'll be twice as big as they are today!
- (Last line, as he observes the empty tarantula cage) Where'd you go, little fella?
Sherriff Parker 
- (To Mike) This is your problem, right here. I don't want to hear any more of your 'paranoid delusional nightmare.' Right you're grounded for a week, mister. And no TV!
- (To Deputy Pete) Something ate your cat? What do you think it was?
- (About Chris) He just needs a shave...
- (To Ashley) Who said it was OK to talk to your mother like that?
- All the phone lines are down, Mike.
- Where have you been, Wade? All the phones are dead!
- (To Chris) Ten years, and you have not changed a bit.
Chris McCormack 
- (First lines) You sure look like a pretty good engineerer.
- And my name's not Sonny. It's Chris.
- Aunt Gladys!
- (About his father's gold) I knew he wasn't crazy!
- (Confronted by Conseula) I can't! It'll set off the gas! (Squirts perfume into Conseula's face) Mike, you saved us!
- Adieus, Consuela!
- (Hysterical) They're here! They're here!
- Get back, you EIGHT-LEGGED FREAKS!
- Uh, maybe I don't need a shave...
- If you start feeling disorientated, then get to one of these higher chambers as soon as possible.
- You know, that does look like an old piece of cactus.
- (First lines) Do you know fear? Have you ever had your heart beating in your chest so intensely... that you can't even breathe? This is a story of... monsters... hideous nightmares crawling in the night. I've seen them. I've seen them in visions. And you... will... too. (Laughs.) I know what you must be thinking, what's this crazy guy doing out here in this godforsaken landscape? Well, I'll tell you. For this is the only place in the country where I can tell the truth and they can't. Hit me.
- We're here in Propsperity, Arizona, with the only reports on government conspiracies, space aliens, and updated reports on when they plan to invade. It's a beautiful day in Prosperity, and it's time for America to WAKE UP PEOPLE! WAKE UP BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! But no, of course, they're still asleep.
- We've just received a report that our pet dog Skippy's been missing, fourth missing pet call we've had this morning. Yeah, it's strange, it's strange. And people are saying, well you know it's cayotes, and it's wolves, but we know the truth. Yes, we all know about those aliens, and the probe, heh, yes, the probe. Let's talk about the probe. I mean, what are they looking for? I mean, it's just wrong! What are they doing? I mean, Skippy didn't do anything to anyone, he doesn't deserve that! I'm telling you, it's wrong! If you want a piece of me, just don't take that piece!
- Our government-controlled media...
- Friends, our local 'authorities' have a little message for our charming little community.
- (Faced with the truth of the 'invasion:') Giant spiders? What the hell kind of bullshit is that? (A moment later) Oh my God, THEY'RE HERE! THEY'RE HERE!
- I'll lure them off! Defend the human race!
Other dialogue 
Chris: I'm a man, you're a woman. Oh my God, what am I doing here?
Sam: Who are the flowers for?
Chris: Oh, they're for you, actually.
Sam: (smelling flowers) Nice.
Chris: Yeah. Picked them myself.
(Mike gets home)
Sam: So, where were you?
Mike: ...I went to Joshua's.
Sam: What did I tell you about going over there?
Mike: But mom, his spiders have become gigantic! (Sam glances at a monster movie on TV) The whole town could be in danger! They could destroy everything; people could get killed! Just hear me out!
Sam: I swear to God, it's the television! This is exactly your problem right here! I don't want to hear anymore of your mediate-endused, paranoid, delusional nightmares!(turns TV off) You can add a week to how long you're grounded too.
Mike: Mom, please...!
Sam: And no TV!
(In the barber's)
Chris: So how much is a dentist's job these days?
Barber: 100 bucks.
Chris: 100 bucks? It's a good deal.
Barber: Indeed it's a good deal. But it's not a good deal in other places. Where they got money.
Bob: And jobs.
Chris: (Having doubts) Uh, maybe I don't need a shave. (Sits up abruptly)
Barber: Hey, slow down in there. (Leans forward) I wouldn't want to cut you. (Starts shaving.)
(In Ashley's truck. Ashley and her boyfriend Brett are kissing.)
Ash: Hey, Brett, slow down.
Brett: But I thought you loved me.
Ash: I do. I do. It's just - it's just -
Ash: I just - don't want to lose my virginity in the front seat of a truck. Uh.
Brett: (laughing) Then why didn't you say so, I've got a blanket out in the back!
Ash: No, Brett, no, that's not it, I just don't think I'm ready!
Brett: Tom and Sally do it every night.
Ash: So fine, call them, I'm not like everyone else you know.
(Brett continues kissing her.)
Ash: Hey, Brett, I'm warning you -
(Brett forcefully kisses her)
Ash: Brett, I'm warning you, OK, stop!
Brett: I just can't help it... you bring out the beast in me! (Continues kissing)
Ash: Hey, Brett, get off! (Eletrocutes him in the balls with her stun gun. Brett screams and falls out of the jeep. Ash giggles and Brett pisses his pants.)
Brett: God dammit, I pissed my pants! Hey, don't you think you're over reacting a bit, I was just complimenting a ?
Ash: (Furiously) Over reacting? You know, I can't believe my mum was worried about you, do you have any idea how embarrasing that is? (Slams door shut and drives off.)
Brett: (Shouts from ground) Hey, Ash! Hey Ash, wait! I'm sorry!
(On the sand dunes, mutated Habronattus orbus appear.)
Mayor Wade: OK OK calm down, this is a town meeting, not the WWF!
Deputy Pete: Mr Mayor, I say those who want to sell, sell!
Wade: Look, company wants either all of our properties, or none of our properties. They are paying us handsomely and they are paying us, to relocate.
Deputy Pete: ...How do we know this isn't another of your get-rich schemes, like, building this mall out in the middle of nowhere?
Miner: Or that ridiculous ostrich farm!
Wade: It's good meat, it's healthy meat.
Harlan: This is all just a government cover-up, isn't it?
(few people giggle)
Wade: Harlan, what in God's name are you on about?
Harlan: Then why are they willing to pay us so much money?
Unlike old man McCormack. God rest his soul. Now he's dead. As dead as those mines.
Chris McCormack: (enters) You know those mines are filled with methane gas!
Wade: Eh, this is a meeting for land owners only...
Chris McCormack: Well I am a land owner, Wade. (Steps into light)
Wade: (false cheeriness) Oh, Chris McCormack, I, didn't know you were back! (everyone turns amongst each other and begins to gossip)
- What do you get when you cross a collection of exotic spiders with a lot of toxic waste? EATEN!
- Let the squashing begin!
Chris McCormack - David Arquette
Sam Parker - Kari Wurher
Harlan - Doug E. Doug
Mike Parker - Scott Terra
Ashley Parker - Scarlett Johansson