Entourage (TV series)

From Wikiquote
Jump to: navigation, search

Entourage is an original comedy series on HBO. The show chronicles the rise of a hot young movie star named Vincent Chase and his childhood friends from Queens as they navigate the unfamiliar terrain of Hollywood. Vince's entourage consists of: Eric, his closest friend, who acts as his manager; Johnny "Drama" Chase, his older brother, an avid cook and a struggling actor in his own right; and Turtle, who is simply living the high life riding Vince's coattails and serving as chauffeur. Other characters in the series include: Ari Gold, Vince's high-powered agent; Shauna, his long-suffering publicist; and Lloyd, Ari's personal assistant. The show was created by Doug Ellin. The executive producer is Mark Wahlberg.

Contents

Season 1[edit]

Entourage (Pilot) [1.01][edit]

Eric: Could you get laid without Vince? That's the question.
Turtle: Do I give a fuck? That's the answer!

Vince: That's what good actors do, they listen. Right, Johnny?
Drama: What?

The Review [1.02][edit]

[The guys are talking about their "first time."]
Turtle: Sure, Eric... you had to beg for pussy on prom night.
Eric: Yeah, but I begged my GIRLFRIEND, Turtle... not some $40 hooker who declined my mother's credit card.

Jessica Alba: [welcoming the guys to a party] Bar's over there. Girls: everywhere.

Talk Show [1.03][edit]

[Turtle and Drama try out a sample of Home Video Solutions with the manager, Rufus]
Rufus: Who do you work for?
Turtle: Vincent Chase.
Rufus: He did great.
Drama: Maybe you recognize me. I'm his brother.
Rufus: No.

[Jimmy Kimmel notices Vince and Sara Foster holding hands]
Jimmy Kimmel: I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to ask you not to hold hands. FCC says no overt displays of affection. If you could just separate them, [Vince and Sara Foster separate hands] thank you.
Vince: We just had sex about five minutes ago. [crowd cheers]

Date Night [1.04][edit]

[E is not happy seeing Turtle's date doing a money shot at Vince]
Turtle: E, the movie's huge bro. Relax, Joanne says its destined to be a classic.
Eric: Oh, Joanne says its destined to be a classic. She's destined to be in a fucking insane asylum!

[Justine Chapin and Vince are flirting in a club.]
Justine: You're gonna have to work for it.
Vince: I got into this business so I wouldn't have to work.

The Script and the Sherpa [1.05][edit]

The Sherpa: The Earth is moving. Did you feel that? Everything. All the time. Dimensions we can't even see. Everything is evolving. Turtle, you're a dove.
Turtle: That's cool. Can I hit that, Sherp? Thanks.
Eric: You afraid of getting busted?
The Sherpa: Busted? I'm entrusted, man. I don't steal. I heal. We're not getting stoned. We're getting honed. My probation officer's one of my best customers. I'm a prisoner. I'm a prisoner of, uh, war. War on Drugs. It's all so negative, man. I mean, the Man's most positive positive-tive is a nega-tive. It's a mega-nega-tive. Right? [shouts] Viking Quest! Let them be low. We are getting high. We're not getting fucked down. We're getting fucked up.

[Turtle inspects the Uggs he had Shauna order "for Vince"]
Turtle: These aren't Taiwanese knockoffs are they?
Shauna: Would I do that to you?
Drama: No, those are real goods. Look at the sheepskin. You can tell these babies were born and raised in the Outback.

Busey and the Beach [1.06][edit]

[Enraged over Josh Weinstein's tip to Eric about Ari allegedly ordering a shutdown of the Queens Boulevard project, Ari finds Josh at a beach house talking to some people in the middle of a party]
Ari: Does your boss know you're using his house? [crowd quiets down] 'Cause I put a call into him. He and I went to school together. I helped him cheat on his Economics final. That's how he got his degree, he owes me big-time.
Josh Weinstein: You called my boss?
Ari: Absolutely. You know another class I took at Harvard? Business Ethics. I don't steal other people's motherfucking clients, but in your case I'm going to make an exception. I'm going to take everyone: your B-level sitcom stars, your reality-TV writers...when I'm done with you, you're gonna be repping sideshow freaks. You need Jo-Jo the Dog-Face-Bitch-Boy? Call Josh Weinfuck, the lightweight pen-stealing fuckface. [takes drink from Josh, sips it and throws it away] That's awful.

Gary Busey: You are a gut maggot with no guts.
Ari: Geez, you're gonna spin off this planet. I love it!

The Scene [1.07][edit]

[The gang talks about Vince's gay role in Queen's Boulevard]
Johnny Drama: If you play gay or retarded you get an Oscar. I'd take in the ass for an Oscar.
Turtle: You'd take in the ass for a guest spot on The Hughleys.

New York [1.08][edit]

[E has noticed Emily being rather cold to him while visiting Ari's office]
Eric: [to Ari] What's wrong with her?
Ari: From now on, you ask for my permission before you bang one of my assistants.
Eric: How'd you know about that?
Ari: 'Cause I know all. I could have told you this would end badly. Now I got to fire her so you don't feel weird.
Eric: No, don't fire her.
Ari: Alright, I'll just sexually harass her until she quits.

[Drama auditions for a role in CSI: Minneapolis]
Drama: You look familiar.
Audition Producer: You auditioned for me a couple of years ago.
Drama: Oh, yeah, yeah. How did that go?
Audition Producer: [pauses] You know...
Drama: Yeah, you can't book 'em all.

Season 2[edit]

The Boys Are Back in Town [2.01][edit]

[Ari has Vince and 'E' in his office; he's about to tell them about a new movie project.]
Ari: You're ready?
Eric: Let's go Ari. We're ready, c'mon!
Ari: [points to Eric] This kid's got no patience. You know, in some countries they cut off your little elfin feet for disrupting the master's flow.
Eric: I'll shove my elfin foot up in your ass!
Ari: You missed me, didn't you?
Vince: Ari! C'mon!
Ari: All right! You're ready? AAAQUAMAN!
Vince: Aquaman?
Ari: Aquaman, baby!! It is Spiderman... underwater. Boooom!

[Eric and Ari argue over Vince's choice of playing the lead role in Medellin and find out the top prospect for the lead.]
Eric: Tom Cruise is going to play Pablo Escobar? C'mon, the guy's not even Hispanic.
Ari: Yeah, and Hilary Swank has a vagina, but she won an Oscar pretending she has a dick. That's what actors do. They pretend.
Eric: All right, I got it. So what if Cruise passes?
Ari: Then they go to Brad Pitt. He passes, they go to Keanu Reeves, and on down the list.
Eric: Where is Vince on that list?
Ari: He ain't on the list.
Eric: Well, how do we get him on the list?
Ari: You do Aquaman, you stupid fuck!

My Maserati Does 185 [2.02][edit]

Drama: Let me get this straight. She convinces you to get these extravagant accommodations and then she bails?
Eric: She didn’t bail, she got sick. Before the date, unlike your girls, that get sick when they arrive.

Eric [to Vince]: Forget that girl. The only reason she was with me was 'cause I'm your manager.
Turtle: So? Do you know how much pussy I got in this town that I didn't deserve?
Drama: All of it?

Aquamansion [2.03][edit]

[Vince, E, and Ari talk about Aquaman with Warners boss Alan Gray]
Alan Gray: Remember, this is the studio that did Batman, not The Phantom.
Vince: What are we talking about, Burton's Batman or Schumacher's?

[Mrs Ari has caught Ari trying to slip away from the house]
Mrs Ari: Where are you going, Ari?
Ari Gold: I have a meeting.
Mrs Ari: At the Playboy Mansion? [looks at pajamas sticking out of Ari's slacks]
Ari: Playboy Mansion, strip clubs, whorehouses, I go where the meetings are. It's my fucking job.
Mrs Ari: I want three weeks in the south of France with the children.
Ari: Oh my God baby, [kisses her] of course you can go.
Mrs Ari: With you. And if you're not home by 2AM, I'm gonna be standing at the gate screaming "Ari Gold, super agent, forgot his Viagra."
Ari: [contemplates threat] Sounds good.

An Offer Refused [2.04][edit]

[The gang talks about remodelling Vince's newly-bought house]
Drama: I think we should turn the pool to face south. Very feng shui.
Shauna: Just let the fucking professionals handle it, Drama.

Ari Gold: [answering "emergency" phone call from Eric during a marriage counseling session] There better be a SCUD missile headed towards Beverly Hills, Eric.
Eric: No, it's a fucking iceberg, Ari.
Ari Gold: What?
Eric: James Cameron's directing Aquaman.
Ari Gold: Fuck you. Where'd you hear that, Friendster?
Eric: No, I heard it from Josh Weinstein, jerkoff. Now, why don't you get your hand off your dick and go call somebody.
Ari: [talking to Lloyd over the phone] I don't care if he's in the Arctic shelf. Get James Cameron on the phone, get Dana Gordon on the phone, tell her assistant that if she does not call me back, I'll fuck her worse than I did in Cabo in '92.
Lloyd: Do you really want me to say that?
Ari: Improvise, Lloyd. I'll there in 90 seconds, find out who covers Warners. If all of this is not taken care of, I'll choke you out with a strap-on!

Neighbors [2.05][edit]

[The doorbell rings at Vince's new house]
E: Who is it?
Man: Delivery. [E opens door to reveal Bob Saget] Hey, welcome to the neighborhood.
E: Bob Saget.
Saget: [sees Vince pass by and gives goods to E] Hey there, Aquaman himself. Been reading about you all morning. [shakes hands with Vince] I live right next door Vin. I'm a big fan. So are my daughters, but do me a favor: don't fuck 'em. Don't you ever fuck my daughters.

Ari: Sounds like you might too. But I’ll tell you what, Domino’s is hiring. Why don’t you put that little pizza sign on top of your Maserati. Now that, is comedy.
Eric: Yeah, and getting dragged through your office, in front of your entire staff by a guy half your size, Now, that's tragedy [hangs up phone]

Chinatown [2.06][edit]

Ari: Chang Chung is the hottest director in Hong Kong. Tarantino has already decided he's the next guy he wants to steal from.
Vince: Cool. Guy must be good. Tarantino only steals from the best.
Ari: That's right, baby.

[At an X-Box Fight Night tournament, Turtle submits his fake urine sample for drug testing.]
Turtle: Where do I take the test?
Attendant: The what?
Turtle: The drug test. I jacked two bottles of water in the car for this, so can we just get over with this please?
Attendant: This is X-Box, loser, not the Olympics. We don't get drug tests. If we do, we'd be out of business, idiot. [gang heckles Turtle]
Drama: Sucker!
E: Nice, Turtle.
Turtle: [laughs and holds sample] What the fuck do I do with this now!!?
Vince: Drink it.

The Sundance Kids [2.07][edit]

[Just before the Queens Boulevard premiere, Vince and E see Turtle and Drama try ignore each other]
Turtle: Come on Drama, what are you thinking, bro?
Drama: [brushes off Turtle] Don't talk to me, Turtle. I can't hear you, I can't see you, I don't even wanna know you.
Turtle: You're yelling, alright?
E: What's your problem, Drama?
Turtle: Me and Drama had a little incident.
E: What kind of incident?
Drama: Don't fucking say it, man.
Vince: No no, say it.
Turtle: [long pause] We accidentally crossed swords.
E: Eww, really?
Vince: Really? [laughs] Were there any women in there, at least?
Turtle: Yeah, dick, it was a threesome. It's no biggie, crossing is an occupational hazard.

[Vince receives a call from Ari]
Vince: Oww, what's up?
Ari: Vinnie, say hello to James Cameron.
James Cameron: Call me Jim, Vince.
Vince: Okay, Jim. What's happening?
Cameron: I could only stay for a bit of the film, but I gotta tell ya, it was all I needed to see. How'd you like to come play Aquaman for me?
Vince: Ahh, sure. I could do that for you.
Cameron: Fantastic. Let's get together next week and talk about it.
Vince: Okay!
Cameron: See you then, looking forward to it.
Vince: Talk to you later, bye. [to gang, giving phone back to E] Cameron just offered me Aquaman.

Oh Mandy [2.08][edit]

Vince: Any big news stories today, E?
Eric: What do you mean?
Vince: Mandy's really smart. She was always testing me on what was going on in the world.
[Everyone is silent.]
Turtle: I heard Pamela Anderson dropped another tit size.

Drama: This is kind of embarrassing, but sometimes I wake up in the morning fully tented. Any advice?
Dr. Joyce Brothers: Well, at your age, consider yourself lucky.
Drama: How fucking old do you think I am?

I Love You Too [2.09][edit]

[Turtle frets over seeing Ari give Drama Clippers tickets instead of U2 concert tickets for his birthday]
Turtle: Jesus Christ, Ari Gold, you just got demoted to Silver.

[At the San Diego Comic Con, E and Turtle has failed to convince RJ Spencer to drop his plans to slam Vince over his website]
Jesse Jane: [seeing Spencer walk away upon being threatened by Turtle] What the fuck is his problem?
E: He hates Vince. He's gonna trash him on his website, saying he's gonna make a shitty Aquaman.
Jane: Why? Vince would make an adorable Aquaman.
E: You should tell him that.
Turtle: Yeah sweetie, you should. If Aquaman is in trouble, and the fate of the land and all mankind is in his hands, he should unleash the power of the pussy.
Jane: Don't bullshit me, tough guy. If I do it, I'll do it because I like Vince.

The Bat Mitzvah [2.10][edit]

[Ari confronts Terrence McQuewick over his attempt to get Vince as a client.]
Ari: Vince is my client. I took him from nothing, alright, and now he is on the cusp. I ain't sharing him.
Terrence: You know when I started this company in 1971, my mantra was, "Every client should be represented by every agent in the building." And yes alright, technically, he is your client, but this is my agency.
Ari: And I'm a fucking partner.
Terrence: I've had more than a few partners. Not all of them have lasted. Enjoy your evening. [leaves]

[Drama tries to talk two kids out of asking for a cigarette lighter]
Drama: One day you're lighting up in front of a dozen adults at a Bat Mitzvah, the next you're cruisin' Santa Monica Boulevard offering handjobs for a crack rock.
Kid: Which one of you did that? [Drama looks guilty.]

Blue Balls Lagoon [2.11][edit]

Drama: I remember I broke up with Stacy Laruzzo a week before Valentine's Day. I got back with her a week after. No chocolates, no roses...
Eric: No class.

Vince: [talking about picking up where he and Mandy Moore left off] We look at it like we've been dating for five years with a four and a half-year break.

Good Morning, Saigon [2.12][edit]

[The gang just got back the Maserati]
Drama: I'm telling you, once your car's been stolen, it never runs the same again. It's like a guy sleeping with your girl. He leaves his mark all over her.

[Vince is not happy with a supposed revelation from James Cameron about being replaced in Aquaman because of co-star Mandy Moore]
Vince: He didn't call?
Ari: No, he did not call.
Eric: Jesus Christ!
Vince: [to Ari] No, you're fucking pathological.
Ari: Listen. Read Jack Welch, Tony Robbins, Phil Jackson. Motivation! This shit works! You want to be Shaq or Kobe? Michael or Scotty? Damon or Affleck?
Eric: [angrily] Ari, do you want to be out of our lives, man, 'cause this could seriously be the end of you.
Ari: I am your biggest fan, I think you are this close to being the biggest movie star on the planet but you are slipping...over a girl? I've never seen you like this before and it worries me.
Eric: Well, worry about yourself, he's fine.
Vince: No, E...he's right to worry about me, I mean you both are, fuck! I'm worried about me. I mean, look at me, I've been lying to you guys like a fuckin' drug addict. I didn't oversleep, I didn't want to go, I never want to leave her side, not for five seconds. I've never been like this in my life, guys. And the truth of the matter is, I don't give a fuck about the movie anymore. I could live with Mandy in a one-bedroom in Chatsworth and I'd be happy. I mean it's nuts, but it's the truth.
Ari: Vinny...
Vince: Ari, there's nothing more to say, I'm sorry I lied. [leaves with E]

Exodus [2.13][edit]

[Having been unmasked over the Tsetse Fly Elite Eight plan, Ari is publicly humiliated by Terrance]
Terrance McQuewick: [claps] People! We have a traitor in our midst. Let this be a lesson to all of you.
Ari: You're making a very big mistake, Terrance.
Terrance: Oh, that's what Arthur Jensen said in 1973. He was the first conspirator that I ever dealt with. Try finding him now, Ari. He's now selling auto insurance in Reseda.
Ari: Okay people, most of you are sitting there and you're looking at this good-looking old man thinking "Who the fuck is he?" And you know what, that's exactly what you should be doing. You will all know who's been running this company for the past eight years, and you all know, when I go, in no time, you will be repping nobodies like Bill from The Apprentice. No one needs to make a decision right now. I will be starting my own agency. Two very important goals will apply: to make everyone who is in at the ground floor rich, and to burn this motherfucking place to the ground! Lloyd, are you with me? [Lloyd remains silent. Ari approaches him] Lloyd, what are you doing? You and me we have a special bond. Come on, let's go.
Lloyd: Ari, swear to me that you will never again say anything offensive to me about my race or my sexual orientation.
Ari: I can't swear to that, but I promise I will always apologize after.

Turtle: He cries in front of her, shows her he's sensitive... bang! He moves right in.
Drama: Yeah. His tears will basically act as a lubricant.

The Abyss [2.14][edit]

[Lloyd notices Ari's angry face after leaving Vince's Malibu house]
Lloyd: How'd it go?
Ari: How'd the fucking Bay of Pigs go, Lloyd?

[Drama finally confronts Adam Davies over why he is avoiding his calls.]
Drama: Are you my agent or not?
Davies: You were a family deal, Johnny. If Vince isn't a client, I'm afraid you're not a client.
Pauly Shore: [laughs] Karma is a bitch! [referring to how Drama got him banned from the Playboy Mansion. Drama tries to punch Davies but Turtle holds him back] We're in a fucking meeting, man.
Drama: You promised me something I would steal. [gets Davies' office TV]
Shore: Taking his TV, what're you a fucking Surreal Life cast member, you freak? [laughs]
Drama: [to Davies] I'll see you on the outside! [marches out of office]
Shore: Get a life, loser boy!

Season 3[edit]

Aquamom [3.01][edit]

[The gang hands out Aquaman premiere invites to hot girls passing by]
Drama: It's like chummin’ for sharks, Vince. You throw enough blood and guts in the water, you're bound to catch a great white.
Eric: Yeah, except there's gonna be fifty girls at the party who all show up thinkin' they're your dates.
Turtle: And what happens when fifty sharks show up lookin' for their goodies, E? [with Drama] Feeding frenzy!

[Vince tries to convince his mother to be with him at Aquaman's LA premiere...over the radio]
Vince: Ma?
Mrs Chase: Yeah, baby?
Vince: I love you and I've never pressured you to come out. Not for any of my premieres, not when I bought my house, but I didn't realize how big a night this is until a little while ago, and it's important to me that I share it with you. So I'll send a boat, I'll send a plane, I'll do whatever I have to do, but I want you by my side when I walk down that red carpet.
Shauna: [at engineer's room] This is moving shit.
Drama: Yeah. It still won't work.
Vince: Ma?
Mrs Chase: Vince?
Vince: Yeah?
Mrs Chase: All right, I will do it. I'm coming. [Vince is elated]
Radio hosts: Yeah! You gout yourself a date! [repeats last line many times]

One Day In The Valley [3.02][edit]

[E is calling Ari about the blackouts and tells him where they are]
E: We're in Northridge, the whole area's blacked out. Is this gonna affect the numbers?
Ari: I did not even know that Northridge survived the '94 quake, E.

[Vince has just seen Ari crash the pool party the gang is in and he is worried about Aquaman's opening-day numbers]
Vince: What are they projecting, 45?
Ari: One-sixteen, actually.
Vince: What?
Ari: One-sixteen, kid!
E: How is that possible?
Ari: You guys ever hear of a hanging chad? [crowd is clueless] Where the fuck am I? Listen, the biggest thing the blackouts affected were the actual reporting of the numbers.
Vince: [stunned] We beat Spider-Man?
Ari: Well, it's only Friday, but if there isn't a tornado in the Midwest, I think we got a good goddamn shot my friend. [to crowd] Hey everybody, [points to Vince] you got the biggest movie star on the planet on your roof right now. [crowd cheers]

DOMinated [3.03][edit]

Ari: [to Turtle] Hey, moron. He's 13.
Drama: In celeb years, it's like 30.
Eric: So what's that make you, Drama? Like, 140?
Drama: So you're admitting I'm a celeb.

[In the kitchen, E, Turtle, and Drama are hearing the loud voices of a girl having sex with Dom]
Drama: You hearing this guy, E?
E: I hate being seen over here with this guy, Drama.
Drama: It's hysterical. [Drinks coffee]
E: Hysterical's waking up at 5am thinking somebody's been murdered.
Turtle: Guy's been out of commission for five years, he's making up for lost time.
Drama: [checks watch after girl reaches orgasm] Couple of minutes more he would have had my record beat.

Guys and Doll [3.04][edit]

Eric: [Waking up at 5:30 a.m. and dialing Ari] Enjoy this, motherfucker.
Mrs Ari: [hearing Ari's phone ring] Who died?
Ari: No one, yet. [answers the phone] What?
Eric: It looks like I woke you up this time, Ari.
Ari: No, but you did wake my wife and kids, dickhead. Vinnie better be sitting in prison with a DUI or something. Is he?
Eric: No...
Ari: Then what the fuck do you want, cunt muscle?

[Ari has called E early in the morning]
E: So, we had an offer?
Ari: No, we got a problem.
E: Oh, don't tell me that Ari, not today. You said you were sure.
Ari: I was. I just got off the phone with Rubenstein's people. Somebody robbed his house at the party last night.
E: What?
Ari: Stole the original Shrek doll right out of its apparently-impossible-to-break-into case.
E: Jesus.
Ari: Cops are all over. I don't want to tell you E, but if this comes up smelling bad for us, you can kiss Bogota goodbye.
E: Why would it come bad for us?
Ari: I'm thinking about your new housemate, E.
E: Ari, there were 300 people there.
Ari: WELL, 299 OF 'EM DIDN'T SERVE TIME!

Crash and Burn [3.05][edit]

[Ari's daughter Sarah just ignored him while crying all the way to the house]
Ari: Still mad at me?
Mrs Ari: No, he's mad at Max now.
Ari: What'd he do?
Mrs Ari: He took a movie in Kazakhstan. [Ari gleefully makes victory gestures, but Mrs Ari sees him] I'm so glad our daughter's tears make you happy.
Ari: Baby, those tears mean our little girl is gonna stay our little girl for at least another day.
Mrs Ari: Awww, Ari.
Ari: Now, how about a quick blowjob before my Vince dinner? [A disgusted Mrs Ari walks inside]

Drama: You know what they say: "An actor with a no agent is..."
Eric: Is what?
Drama: Is fucked!

Three's Company [3.06][edit]

[Drama reflects on Sloan's friend, who joined the group on their night out and was introduced to him and Turtle]
Drama: She was ice cold. Did you hear what she said to me when I asked to buy her a drink?
Eric: No, what?
Drama: "No, thank you." What a bitch.

Ari: People, staff meeting has been canceled. You will all have one goal today: to get Vincent Chase's brother, Johnny Chase, a job. [shows pic of Drama] Any job. I don't care if its a porn shoot in which he is being gang-raped by a gaggle of silverback apes, if there are cameras rolling, everybody wins. Ten grand to anyone that could deliver this to me today.
Lloyd: [after following Ari out of the conference room] Can I vie for the ten grand prize also, Ari?
Ari: Sure, but you'll get paid in yen. Now try E one more fucking time.

Strange Days [3.07][edit]

[The gang talks about E feeling bad after his trifecta with Sloan and Tori]
Drama: Freud says there are no accidents...
Eric: Oh yeah? [To Turtle and Drama] You two crossed swords during your threesome. Accident?

Turtle: It could be fun, Vince. Like that time you got auctioned off at the Feed the World event.
Vince: Jesus. Remember that Cuban guy who bought me and wanted me to come live with him in Havana?
Drama: The guy never sent me those Cuban cigars he promised. I should call.
Turtle: Yeah. Ask him if he knows any good lefties for the Yanks' bullpen while you're at it.

The Release [3.08][edit]

Drama: You know, Eddie Burns offered me Brothers McMullen. True story. But I took a TV show instead.
Turtle: Was that when you did your full-frontal Red Shoe Diary?
Drama: No. That's when I did my three-episode arc on 90210, sexually harassing Tori Spelling.
Turtle: Nice choice.

[Barbara crashes the Gold Standard Agency's emergency meeting after Terrence denies Ari his settlement money]
Ari: [upon seeing Babs] Hey Babs, the Traitorous Skanks Anonymous meeting is next door.
Babs: Let's talk.
[Ari and Babs go to adjacent room]
Ari: Can't believe that you set me up after all I've done for you.
Babs: Ari, I need you to see your cards.
Ari: You've seen 'em.
Babs: How much do you need?
Ari: [flabbergasted] What?
Babs: Come on, I want to be partners.
Ari: Why?
Babs: Because I believe in you, and because I can't work with my ex-husband anymore.
Ari: No shot, this is my deal.
Babs: Ari, you have no money and I have too much.
Ari: So what do you want?
Babs: To fuck...Kidding. I want 60% of my name on top.
Ari: I'd rather fuck.
Babs: Fifty-five.
Ari: Forty-five.
Babs: Fifty-one.
Ari: Forty-nine.
[Ari and Babs return to meeting]
Ari: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...[raises Babs' left arm] MILLER-GOLD! Huh!!? [agents cheer; to Babs] We sound like a fucking beer.

Vegas Baby, Vegas! [3.09][edit]

Eric: Hey, jerkoff. You signed him up to judge a stripper contest.
Turtle: Really? Titties?
Eric: It's a stripper contest.
Turtle: Nice.

Turtle: Wait 'til you see dinner. I got ten of the best strippers in town joining us tonight.
Drama: Strippers — why?
Turtle: Now shouldn't it be "Strippers — how?" and "Thank you"?
Vince: Thank you.

I Wanna Be Sedated [3.10][edit]

[Turtle is irritated with Saigon's absence for an important meeting]
Turtle: Where the hell is Saigon!?
Drama: Maybe he got clipped in a drive-by.

Eric: Remember me?
Ari: One never forgets their first love, E.

What About Bob? [3.11][edit]

[Vince accompanies Turtle to buying a new pair of shoes and see a long line of people outside the store]
Vince Chase: I don't get it, all these people are in line for sneakers?
Turtle: Yeah, some have even camped out all night.
Vince: For sneakers?
Turtle: Vince, these ain't just sneakers. These are limited-edition Fukijamas.
Vince: [surprised] Fuki-what?
Turtle: Ha...Vince, you know sometimes, you're so cultureless? Fukijama is one of the most famous graffiti artists in the world. Every year, Nike commissions him to do a limited drop; 200 pairs this year. After that, he destroys the pattern and never to be made again.
Vince: They're holding a pair for you?
Turtle: Nah, they refuse to do so. It's an unwritten law in America - bring a movie star, go right to the front of the line.
Vince: Turtle, are you nuts? They'll kill us if we go to the front of the line.
Turtle: They'll be thrilled just to get a glimpse of you.
Vince: I'm not cutting, Turtle.
Bystander: [clenches fist] Better to be a man of the people, Aquaman.
Turtle: Vince, these are limited-
Vince: Back of the line, Turtle. You're lucky I'm even willing to wait.

[E's phone is ringing just before he and Ari meet a studio exec to sell Bob Ryan's Ramones film script]
Ari: [mimics voice prompt] If you need to put your phone on vibrate, it's your first meeting, Press 1.

Sorry, Ari [3.12][edit]

[Ari has failed to get back the I Wanna Be Sedated screenplay from Alan Gray for Vince. Dana Gordon tries to tell him something]
Dana Gordon: I'm gonna tell you something that you swear it's not gonna come back to me.
Ari: As always, hand over heart. You know that.
Dana : Ari, please.
Ari: I swear.
Dana: Alan's not gonna make this movie. He bought it just to spite Vince, and he's gonna stick it in a drawer.
Ari: Jesus, he really is crazy.
Dana: Mm-hmm.
Ari: Why are you telling me this?
Dana: Because I hate working for him and I want out. And Ari, come on, I mean, I love this movie. I grew up on the Ramones, and I love it for Vince, so get me on as a producer.
Ari: How? It's Alan's movie.
Dana: No. Not yet it isn't. They're still negotiating Bob's perk package, so just make sure Bob doesn't sign those papers.
Ari: Dana, [kisses her forehead] I have NEVER cheated on my wife, not since she became my wife, but if you wanna jerk me right now in the car, I'm game.
Dana: [smiles] Rain check, Ari.

[Ari tries one last gamble to retain Vince as his client after he discovers Vince looking at other agencies. It flops.]
Ari: Vince, what are you doing?
Vince: Ari, I didn't need the whole dog-and-pony show. I really thought you were different from everyone else.
Ari: Vince, I am.
Vince: Ari, you do things your own way and you don't give a shit what we think about it.
Ari: I do give a shit. You should have seen me today begging and pleading to get that movie back, but it's gone. The past is the past, let's look to the future.
Vince: You're unreal. I mean, even after you fuck up like this, you can't even muster the strength to just, as my friend, look me in the face and say "I'm sorry."
Ari: That's all you wanted?
Vince: That's all I wanted.
Ari: Then I'm sorry, Vin.
Vince: It's too late.
Ari: Vince...
E: Ari, you're fired.
Vince: [to Turtle and Drama] Let's roll.

Less than 30 [3.13][edit]

[Ari vents his frustrations at Lloyd seeing the gang watching a Lakers game on courtside seats...with Vince's new agent, Amanda]
Ari: The Lakers game, the FUCKING Lakers game?!? Oh Jesus-the house that I built!
Lloyd: Maybe it was his birthday present.
Ari: You think? I put him on the court on Arbor Day and that's his present? Gosh, she's so fucking wrong for him?

[While checking out a potential boat for Vince's birthday party, Drama sees a sidewalk ad for Five Towns]
Drama: Shit, look at that, another billboard! I'm everywhere!
Turtle: Spreading like the plague that you are, Drama.
Drama: Is that guy look familiar to you?
Boat Owner: Huh?
Drama: That guy on the billboard, that's me.
Boat Owner: Oh, congrats. I can't see that far without my glasses.
Drama: [mutters] Ever heard of LASIK?

Dog Day Afternoon [3.14][edit]

[Turtle and Drama scope out some women while walking Arnold at the dog park]
Turtle: All right. What do you say we start with little miss fluffy-white-poodle over there?
Drama: That's not a poodle, turtle. That's a Lhasa Apso.
Turtle: Whatever. Check out the ass on the broad walking it.

[Ari saves Lloyd from a night out with potential client Jay Lester]
Jay Lester: You know the old saying, "Fuck Chinese and you're horny again half an hour later" - [Lloyd slaps him to the shock of a nearby crowd]
Lloyd: I'm an American of Chinese descent [pokes Jay] and you are what, Jay? Just another overweight hack TV writer! [leaves with Ari]
Ari: [on the way out] Remind me not to get on your bad side, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Ari Gold, you could never.

Manic Monday [3.15][edit]

Ari: Everybody stop. I didn't go to the Lakers game because they're playing the fucking Bobcats. And I came here today because I thought this was a session on how my wife could learn to communicate. How to answer a question without a question. Basic Humanity 101. Which, I thought, given your wall of fucking diplomas, you could easily fix. Or if you couldn't, you could give her a pill that would either fix it or make her a mute. But now, to turn around and gang up on me — I have work to do. I have hundreds of clients to deal with and just so we're clear, I don't care about any of them. They're all just a number, like wife #1 and therapist #7. Good day.
Mrs. Ari: You're really only our fifth.

[Having regained his hire-and-fire mojo from an impromptu session with his marriage therapist, Ari goes back to the office to confront Robby Rubino at the conference room for being so unproductive]
Ari: Great work Rob, great work. See if you can read this. [writes GET THE FUCK OUT!!! on white board] You're fired, and in case your ears are fucked, [points the door] GET THE FUCK OUT!!! And the next person I see juggling, tap-dancing, or baton-twirling or doing any other circus-like tricks will join him, alright? One-strike policy applies, now get back to work! Goddamn, that felt good.
Babs: What happened, Ari?
Ari: Shock therapy, Babs. [to employee munching chocolate bar] Skip it Jeannie. [grabs bar]

Gotcha [3.16][edit]

[Drama and Chuck Liddell have a misunderstanding over parking space]
Drama: I ain't your friend, tough guy! Yeah, that's right I know who you are, you WWF wannabe. So you get to move your car, or do I get to move it for you?
Trista Liddell: [sees father go down to face Drama] Daddy...
Chuck Liddell: [looks back at her and glares at Drama] You're lucky my daughter's in the car. I'd kick every tooth in your head out.
Drama: I'd rip off your foot while you tried.
Turtle: [intervenes] Whoa, slow down, please don't okay? Sorry about my friend, he didn't take his meds today.

[At dinner, Ari gets rowdy over how hot Scott Siegal's fiancee is]
Ari: Just as I'm sure wherever you got with this little hottie will be more than amazing. [slightly touches her] Fuck it will be orgasmic. I mean, I'm sorry I don't mean to be rude, but ever since you got here, I have not been able to take my eyes off your ass! I mean, it's the perfect shape! It's like God came down, hand-crafted it, put it on a little silver tray, and hand-delivered it to my man, Scotty! Bravo, Scotty boy! [slams fist on table; Scott's fiancee is rankled] Bravo! I'm gonna get some Scotch!

Return of the King [3.17][edit]

[At Wilshire Boulevard Temple Ari and Nick Rubenstein try to convince studio president Arthur Gatoff about approving Vince's talent fee to replace Benicio del Toro in Medellin. He is not happy to see them]
Arthur Gatoff: This is wildly inappropriate coming to my shul, this day of all days, to discuss money. I have a bad enough reputation here after the hellish divorce I've just gone through.
Ari: At least you're at a place where you can meet a nice Jewish girl, Arthur. [Gatoff looks at him] Come on, we were at temple too. This is time sensitive, God would understand! We all have to take care of our own -
Gatoff: Ari, I have to go back inside.
Nick Rubenstein: Arthur, you said you'd meet Vince's quote.
Gatoff: You said his quote was three.
Rubenstein: I was wrong.
Gatoff: You and your father have been wrong about a lot of things on this one, Nick. Maybe animation is more your bag.
Rubenstein: Wow, cut the Rubensteins like that, on the high holiday...
Gatoff: I'm sorry, forgive me.
Rubenstein: Arthur, I forgive you, but just make a quick phone a call it'll take a second, but -
Gatoff: Nick, I don't know what goes on at that half-church reform synagogue of yours, but here, we don't talk business on Yom Kippur. Now please, before I get angry... [leaves]

[Mrs Ari has caught Ari and Nick Rubenstein using the cellphone on Yom Kippur to negotiate for Vince working with in Paul Haggis' Medellin shoot after Benicio del Toro walks off.]
Mrs Ari: Give me the phone. [Ari turns over phone] And the Batphone. [Ari reluctantly turns over Blackberry hidden in ankle]

The Resurrection [3.18][edit]

[Vince gets a call from Ari who patches him to Joe Roberts, his rival for the Medellin script rights]
Vince: Hey Joe.
Joe Roberts: Vince?
Vince: Yeah.
Roberts: I was a PA on Apocalypse Now. I watched Francis almost kill himself to get that movie made. I watched him go bankrupt, watched him go mad nearly, and I idolized him for it. I never had the passion. For me it was always about the score. You seem to have that passion, Vince, but if you really don't have it and can lose it too, don't kill yourself. At the end of the day, it's only a movie. Good luck, Vince.

[Having an epiphany at the Grand Canyon, Drama has just learned that Five Towns is a huge hit.]
Johnny Drama: Thank you God...VICTORY!!!!

The Prince's Bride [3.19][edit]

[Yair Marx's wife Nika calls Vince]
Nika Marx: Apologies for calling your partner Vincent, I somehow took your number down incorrectly.
Vince: No worries, I never answer my phone anyway.
Nika: We want to make this movie.
Vince: Fantastic.
Nika: Mamm, does it excite you?
Vince: Yes it does, so much so [to E] They're in.
Nika: I just have one small concern - creatively. I'd like to meet you at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel in one hour and we'll discuss. Is this okay?
Vince: Sure.
Nika: Oh, and one more thing, Vincent.
Vince: Yes, Nika?
Nika: Come alone. Ciao.

[Turtle and Kelly are making out in the car, when suddenly..]
Kelly's brother: Daddy, Daddy, Kelly's jerking another boy in the car!
Turtle: What are you talking about? We're just kissing! [to Kelly] What does he mean, "another boy"?

Adios Amigos [3.20][edit]

[Having sold the house Vince bought with his Aquaman bonus, the gang does one more thing before they go]
Vince: [notices others just getting in their vehicles] Hey guys! The house - get over here. Say goodbye.
Turtle, Drama, E: Goodbye, house.

[Billy Walsh has just read the Medellin script]
Billy Walsh: VINNY!!!
Vince: Yo.
Billy: Vincent!
Vince: Talk to me, what?
Billy: Pablo Escobar? Pablo fucking Escobar!?!? [goes up staircase] I've always wanted to make a movie about this guy since I read a story about him blowing up that airliner. I love Pablo Escobar.
E: So you like the script?
Billy: What, was I not just fucking clear?
Vince: Can you do it for 25 million?
Billy: I don't see why not. I need to talk to the financier.
E: No problem.
Billy: I love it, Vince. Thank you. We're gonna win you an Oscar.

Season 4[edit]

Welcome to the Jungle [4.01][edit]

Billy Walsh: [to narrator] 'Movie'? I hate the word movie. I don't make movies, I make films!

[The final scene of Medellin has completed its first and only take]
Billy Walsh: Cut! [walks to E] Start off, suit, I need another one. [E is flabbergasted] Ahh, I'm fucking with you, it was perfect! [crew cheers]
Vince: [surveying aftermath] Guys, we did it.
E: Yeah, who would've thought that two kids from Queens could have pulled this off, but we did, it's gonna be fucking amazing.
Vince: You know, I've never felt so good about a movie after making this one. I know it.
Documentary Narrator: Billy, think you've made a good film?
Walsh: [looks to narrator] Hey, it's gonna be a genius or its gonna fucking suck. 'Til I see the first cut, I have no idea, but you know what? Neither does anybody else.[walks away. Vince, E, and Turtle wonder about what he just said.]

The First Cut is the Deepest [4.02][edit]

[Billy Walsh introduces Vince and E to the post-production crew before showing the first cut of Medellin]
Billy: Guys, my whole crew is Latin; help make this film as absolutely authentic as it could be. My editor Raul, his assistant slash little brother Terro. Both Mexican, both totally legal. My, uh, post guy's Brazilian, the caterers from Chile. Every Thursday we get that endangered sea bass flown in.
Eric: [sees very pretty Latina woman walk past him] What does she do?
Billy: She gives blow jobs. Seriously, she's a street walker I brought back from Colombia.

[The Golds are trying to find out what happened to Jonah at school]
Ari: I teach my son never to let people just take things from him. It's my Israeli blood. Okay?

Mailbooty [4.03][edit]

[E has just seen a trailer for Medellin at Billy Walsh's post-production lab]
E: Wow, this looks great.
Technician: Yeah, if only the movie looked so good.
E: What?
Technician: I didn't say anything. [turns off editing machine and leaves]

[E has just found out that Billy suddenly sent a print of Medellin to the Cannes Film Festival committee]
Ari: Yes E, I would say being rejected by Cannes before we have a distributor would be a disaster.

Sorry Harvey [4.04][edit]

[On the way home from dinner, Ari and Mrs Ari discover that a screenplay M Night Shyamalan gave to Ari for reading has disappeared. They stop the car to find it.]
Ari: [having checked out the backseat] Jesus Christ, the valet probably stole it.
Mrs Ari: Don't be racist.
Ari: Valets steal shit, alright? Just because they're mostly Hispanic, doesn't make a racist. You know what happens if this gets out? If someone puts Night's new ending on the Internet, MY LIFE IS OVER!
Mrs Ari: Nobody's gonna know you did it.
Ari: Yes they will, because Night, that little sick fuck, printed my name [pounds roof with every word] on every fucking page!

[Ray the Bouncer talks to Vince about something]
Ray: Yo, Vin.
Vince: Hey! [clasps hands]
Ray: This is delicate.
Vince: What's that?
Ray: You know your boy you came in with? [referring to Beverly Hills mayor]
Vince: Yeah, what about him?
Ray: He's about to suck face with a tranny.
Vince: What? Come on!
Drama: That's no tranny, that's Annika!
Ray: Annika's got a bigger stuff than you do, Drama.

The Dream Team [4.05][edit]

Ari: How is the most fuckable president of production in town?
Dana: Ari, get the fuck out.
Ari: Brought Cristal and Sprinkles cupcakes.. Your favorite. Or is it mine? What's the difference, we used to eat everything off each other anyway.

The WeHo Ho [4.06][edit]

[E and Billy try to patch up their differences over the Medellin trailer leak]
Eric: But he sent me an email at four a.m. threatening to kill me.
Billy: And then at five a.m., my editor called and told me that he got pissed at his girl last week and put a video of him giving her a facial on cumfiesta.com. She got back at him with my trailer... our trailer.

[Ari has had enough of Glenn Holden, Lloyd's replacement assistant who was originally fired at TMA in Season 2]
Ari: Get out of here, Glenn.
Glenn: Where do you want me to go?
Ari: Anywhere but here or I will kill you.

The Day Fuckers [4.07][edit]

[Eager to win the dating bet against E, Turtle try to find the woman he and Drama propositioned over Craigslist]
Turtle: [sees young woman on table] Excuse me. You wouldn't happen to be Kelsey, would you?
Woman: And even if I was, I'd say no.
Turtle: [leaves her] That's just rude, honey.

[The Golds have ran out of options looking up a potential school for Jonah. Ari tries one last tack with Andrew Preston, headmaster of Sarah's school, Briar Country Day]
Andrew Preston: What is the meaning of this?
Ari: Well, there's something that I needed, that I'd like to say to you.
Preston: Something different than what you muttered at me under your breath this morning?
Ari: You heard that?
Preston: What do you want, Mr. Gold?
Ari: Just a moment of your time so that I can say to you that through this process, I have learned from you, Mr. Preston. You are an educator and you've educated me about being a man, about being a father, and I know that you can't be bought. I tried. I know that you can't be blackmailed because you're too perfect, but I guess I want to know, can you be compassionate? Because I am coming to you, hat in hand, to ask you - to beg you - to let my son have a proper education. And don't make him suffer because he has a way too aggressive father that won't shut up on the soccer field. Okay? Please, sir, please.
Preston: Look at you. Did you ever think given your high-power status, that you'd ever be reduced to begging and pleading?
Ari: No sir, I didn't. I didn't.
Preston: I suppose there's a first time for everything. I myself never asked anybody for anything until now.
Ari: Is there something you need? [sits down with Preston]
Preston: I have a son, a special boy, who works in the mail room at Abrams. I think he can do better.
Ari: How special? 'Cause, I love special. Half my lit department has an IQ under 65. So, why don't you tell your boy, that come Monday, he's got a desk, in a real agency with a real salary. All right? The things that we do for our children, huh?
Preston: You tell Jonah, I'm looking forward to his first day, at Briar Country Day - [points finger at Ari before going back inside house] But I still don't want to see you at any soccer games. [Ari laughs]
Ari: [contemplating outcome] I love this town!

Gary's Desk [4.08][edit]

[Eric answers the phone in his new office.]
Eric: Eric Murphy.
Ari: Like the new office number E? You know, it spells 274-COCK.
Eric: It does not!
Ari: No, it doesn't, but I made you look!

[A proposal meeting for Mary J. Blige as a client with MGA has been disrupted by a fight between Jensen twins Jim and Jeff. Ari summons the two to his office and demands the truth]
Jim Jensen: He fucked my wife, Ari.
Ari Gold: No, he did not. [stammers, to Jeff] You did? You fucked his wife? [Jeff nods] As you?
Jeff Jensen: What?
Ari: Did you pretend to be him [gestures to Jim] or did she actually fuck you thinking you were you?
Jim: [To Ari] You think this is funny?
Ari: No, I think this is disgusting!

The Young and the Stoned [4.09][edit]

[Lloyd has connected with Dana Gordon, whom Ari wants to talk to.]
Lloyd: I have Dana Gordon.
Ari: [during push-ups] Weird, huh? I used to do push-ups like this on top of Dana Gordon. True story.

[Ari and Mrs Ari argue over her guest spot in The Young and the Restless]
Ari: I'm sorry okay, I get jealous.
Mrs Ari: You're possessive. I don't want an apology for that!
Ari: What...for what, then?
Mrs Ari: For... for telling me that I'm old and that I wouldn't photograph in Hi-Def.
Ari: It's a legitimate concern. Look, I just didn't want you doing it alright, I like the way things are. I don't want you on television - I don't want some 19-year-old kissing the lips I'm supposed to be kissing, alright? Listen, if you want to go and be a soap whore everyday, just do it knowing that you make your husband miserable.
Mrs Ari: [sits near him] You think I want to do it, Ari? I gave up acting to have a family and I have never ever regretted it. I like the way things are. Just wanted [hits Ari] one day of stupid fun..
Ari: With Julio down at the schoolyard.
Mrs Ari: Well, if I'm so old and ugly, why do you even care?
Ari: Well some guys are into that -
Mrs Ari: [stands up and towers over him] Tell me that I'm sexy Ari.
Ari: You are the beautiful mother of my children [kisses Mrs Ari] and I respect you. [continues kissing]
Mrs Ari: Oh Julio...JULIO!!
Ari: You little fucking slut!! [beds Mrs Ari]

Snow Job [4.10][edit]

[E and Anna Faris are on the phone.]
E: You know that we've been on the phone for like, 97 minutes?
Anna Faris: Well, I needed something to pass the time before the Pussycat Dolls comes on.
E: You're obsessed, you know that?
Faris: Hey, some people have drugs or alcohol in times of sadness, I have reality TV.

[Ari tries to convince studio head Richard Wimmer about the potential of Billy Walsh's Silo script, but Dana Gordon is determined to see Walsh and Vince fired from the project because it is not the script Walsh was paid to write.]
Richard Wimmer: I'm gonna tear your head off, Ari.
Ari Gold: Please don't, because I have [shows script] your summer movie. [begins to explain script] From the director of Medellin and Queens Boulevard comes Silo. It is the story of a group of non-unionized farm hands who band together to survive a nuclear attack after discovering an underground society. It is ready to shoot, Billy Walsh is on board, Vinnie Chase is on board, and if you're not, Fox, Universal, and Sony are.
Dana Gordon: He's bluffing.
Wimmer: What's it matter? There's a summer movie in there, we pack up our shit and go home.

No Cannes Do [4.11][edit]

Lloyd: You said that if you're wife didn't go to Cannes, that I could.
Ari: When did I say that?
Lloyd: When you said it wasn't time for me to get promoted yet.
Ari: You know what, Lloyd? I'm in the middle of a code red alert. I got military police everywhere, German shepherds ready to attack at a moment's notice, I'm facing three-hour delays and an uncertain, unsafe future. So get off my ass and go get my wife some favorite flowers!

[The boys decided not to join Sidney Pollack on his private flight to Cannes because of a lack of space and Vince's determination to bring everybody, until Kanye West's team appears at the departure lounge]
Kanye West: [to Vince] Where you headed?
Vince: Nowhere.
Turtle: We got no plane, man.
Kanye: We're headed to London, we're chilling out for a second.
Turtle: How much room you got?
Kanye: We got a little room. [points to large private jet]

The Cannes Kids [4.12][edit]

[Drama and a French girl who picked him up at Yair Marx's boat talk about Viking Quest, which is a big hit in France]
Drama: [Laughs] That's amazing. I didn't know that episode aired, we got cancelled in the middle of shooting it.
Jacqueline: Well, it aired here. I've seen that scene a hundred times.
Drama: A hundred? Come on.
Jacqueline: I'm not exaggerate! My whole family, especially my father, loved Viking Quest. At 9pm every Thursday, we'd be like, [speaks French dialogue]
Drama: Really?
Jacqueline: Oui! He put on my brother in the uniform that you wore on the show for his birthday. He's so funny, though his muscles are not as big as yours.
Drama: That's amazing.
Jacqueline: Amazing is meeting you. Here.
Drama: Yeah.
Jacqueline: So shall we go back to your hotel?

[Medellin has finished screening, and the heckles have started flying]
Dana Gordon: Thanks for not selling me this movie Ari, it's the one nicest thing you've ever done for me. [to Yair Marx, whose beside Ari] Congratulations Yair, I hear it's all yours.
Yair Marx: I didn't sign anything.
Ari: What are you talking about?
Marx: That's the worst piece of shit I've ever seen!
Ari: Yair, we had a deal.
Marx: Sue me, my company's based out of Dubai. [puts on shades] Good luck.
Gordon: I'm sorry, Vince.
Billy Walsh: [in front of screen] Hey! Where the fuck are you French faggots going!?? Show some respect! Go below the line people, and watch the credit! What, no Q and A?
Harvey Weingard: [sits beside Ari] It ain't easy making a movie.
Ari: You come to gloat now Harvey?
Weingard: No, no. I just came to say that E was right, there's genius in this.
Ari: You want to buy it?
Weingard: I do - for one dollar.

Season 5[edit]

Fantasy Island [5.01][edit]

[Ari's fuming over Richard Roeper's review of Medellin and lets out steam on the staff]
Ari: Attention everyone please! Listen up! No one mentions Richard Roeper again. Not today, not ever. By doing so, you are simply announcing that on Sunday night instead of doing your job, reading scripts, you’re watching TV. The NEXT PERSON to mention Richard Roeper will be fired [annoyed with phone at Lloyd's desk] and Lloyd, you will also be fired if you don’t answer THE FUCKING PHONE!!!
Lloyd: [answers phone] Ari Gold's office?
Employee: [talks to Ari on the way back to his office] I liked Medellin, Ari-
Ari: Then you’re a fucking idiot.

[Enraged by Carl Ertz setting up Vince over the Danger Beach script, Turtle and Drama make a house call]
Turtle: [sees Drama dump a large fish on the hood of Ertz' Mercedes after smashing its windshield] What are you, the Godfather?
Drama: I'm sending a message.
Turtle: Saying what?
Drama: Aquaman is back! [scrambles out of the area]

Unlike A Virgin [5.02][edit]

[E's insistence about Nine Brave Souls being the film for Vince ticks off Ari]
Ari: [tears off scriptwriters' letter] No indies, E! Think of it like the Holocaust - Never Again!

[Vince undergoes some career counseling with Ari]
Vince: One bad movie and this is what happens? I mean, was I really that awful?
Ari: Straight up, Vinnie... the movie was awful, and yes, you were awful in it, but one bad movie could be overcome. Look at Colin Farrell, he's overcome dozens of 'em, 'cause the perception of him is, he's a movie star.
Vince: And what's the perception of me?
Ari: That you don't give a fuck! You refuse to play the game, you refuse to be a part of the process. The great ones? Even if they don't care, they pretend they do.
Vince: [sits down] Do you think I'm a good actor, Ari?
Ari: I did not sign you in the first place because I thought you could act. I signed you because I thought you were a movie star and you haven't acted like one in a long time.
Vince: I'm ready to play the game Ari, whatever you say.
Ari: That's a good start.
Vince: [stands up] But I'm not willing to wait. I want you to send me into every person in this town who's willing to meet me. I don't care if I waste my time. I will charm the fuck out of every last one of them - filmmakers, studio execs, all of them. I will change their perception.
Ari: Like the fire!! [high-fives Vince as he leaves room]
Vince: [turns to Ari] You don't believe I'm a good actor?
Ari: It remains to be seen, but Vin, I'm starting to believe you're a movie star again, [calls out to Vince as he gets out] and you know what? This town loves a comeback, and since Britney fucked hers up, it's all you!!

The All Out Fall Out [5.03][edit]

[At the MGA conference room, two police officers just tied down Ari to his seat.]
Officer Nickerson: Mr Gold, if you cooperate, we'll make this as pleasant an experience as we can for you.
[His partner, Officer Morgan suddenly plays music from his evidence kit]
Ari Gold: Wait a minute. What is this, who are you guys?
Officer Morgan: BHPD, Boner Patrol. [The officers take off their clothes and start dancing around Ari]
Ari: Oh come on.
Nickerson: You're about to get your stiff inspected.
Assistant: Oh my God.
Ari: Lloyd, LLOOOOYD!!! [colleagues in and out of the conference room start laughing]
TI: [stands up and leaves] I'm out of here, Ari.
Ari: Hold on, TI!
TI: Call me when you're done with your entertainment.
Ari: Lloyd, you speak their language, MAKE IT STOP!
Lloyd: It'll be over soon Ari, just close your eyes, and think of pussy!

Fire Sale [5.04][edit]

[Ari talks about the potential of a Benji script]
Ari: You bet your ass it will be a good script, and I'm gonna make sure they have Miss Alaska waiting in your trailer to blow you at all times.

Tree Trippers [5.05][edit]

Drama: Just us men and our souls. And a bag of 'shrooms.

Turtle: Where's Arnold?
Drama: He's right there. I've been watching him.
Turtle: That's a rock!
Drama: [nonplussed] Really?
Turtle: Are you kidding me??!?!

ReDOMption [5.06][edit]

Eric: Wow, golf on a Wednesday, huh, Ari? In the next life I wanna come back as you.
Ari: I wish I could return the compliment, E. But I'd rather come back as one of Michael Vick's dogs.

Drama: [after closing the door on the trailer where an extra stands waiting in bikini] Who's that?
Turtle: It's an extra. You're her favorite character.
Drama: What am I supposed to do with her?
Turtle: Fuck her! What do you think?
Drama: You think I need you to pick up extras for me to bang?
Turtle: Well, I did have to charm about 20 of them before I found one that would say yes.
Drama: Do you know how stupid this is?
Turtle: I thought it'd make you happy?
Drama: No, it doesn't make me happy. I can't have an extra in my trailer. I got sexual harassment lawsuits coming out my ass as it is.
Turtle: I never heard about those.
Drama: I don't tell you everything.

Gotta Look up to Get Down [5.07][edit]

[Ari pays his respects to Alan Gray at his funeral]
Ari Gold: I hate myself for the fact that until today, I still don't like you...

[Ari chances upon Vince and the gang going on a private jet while he flies to Geneva with John Ellis]
Ari Gold: I can see that you're saving money by flying private again.
Vincent Chase: Not our dime. It's theirs. [gestures to Dolce and Gabbana models]
Ari: Nice dime.
Vince: Where you headed?
Ari: We're going to Geneva. That's Alan's boss right there. [points to John Ellis boarding the plane]
Vince: Yeah?
Ari: Yeah!
Vince: Ah, you're going to Geneva for me? [Notices Ari speechless] Something wrong?
Ari: Yeah. Listen, Vinnie, um, you're the only one in this town that I'm telling this to - I'm in a position where I can get you any job that we want for the rest of your career.
Vince: How so?
Ari: They're offering me Alan's position. They want me to run the studio.
Vince: Wow.
Ari: It just came out of the blue. What do you think?
Vince: Ah I, I think I'd like us to finish what we started together, but...I think you gotta do what you gotta do, right?

First Class Jerk [5.08][edit]

[The gang is angry that a Frank Darabont project Josh Weinstein offered to meet them for has nothing for Vince]
Josh Weinstein: This is not TV, Vince.
Vince: Oh no, what is it?
Weinstein: It's TV with Frank Darabont!
E: Know what Josh, sandbagging us like that was a real dick move.
Weinstein: I thought it would be more impactful if you heard it straight from Frank.
Drama: What the hell's so wrong with going TV?
Turtle: Nothing for David Hasselhoff or for you [to Weinstein], but for Vince, doing TV is ridiculous.
Drama: Yeah, but for you, doing Jamie-Lynn Sigler isn't. [gang stops to finally face Weinstein]
Turtle: Oh, here we go.
Weinstein: You did Jamie-Lynn Sigler?
Drama: Yeah, you believe it?
Weinstein: Not really.
Drama: Nobody does.
E: Yeah, it's been a pleasure as always, Josh.
Weinstein: Wait a minute. Just hold on a second, at least read the script. It's Frank Darabont, he's a genius. Vince, there's lots and lots of money in TV.
Vince: I don't want to get stuck playing the same character for the next five years. I want to do movies.
Turtle: He's still a movie star, you know.
Weinstein: Lots of movie stars do TV. George Clooney did ER, for Chrissake.
E: That was before he was George Clooney. No one goes back, 'cause you don't get back to movies.
Turtle: You didn't see Leo in the Growing Pains reunion.
Weinstein: Well, maybe it's time for you to think about that part of your life being over. Maybe you're not gonna be a movie star anymore. [pause] Look guys, I'm sorry. I'm just telling you what nobody else in this town has the balls to.
E: [gets in Weinstein's face] Why don't you walk away, Josh? Walk away.

[Ari confronts Amanda Daniels as John Ellis also offered her the studio presidency]
Ari Gold: Not bitter huh?
Amanda Daniels: Fuck you, Ari. You can kiss your relationship with that studio goodbye.
Ari: No, [points to Amanda] you can kiss your motherfucking dream job goodbye, 'cause you're right. I didn't want this job, but now I'm gonna take it just to spite you! [goes out of room and calls Lloyd] Lloyd. Yeah, call John Ellis. Tell him I'm gonna close this motherfucking deal.

Pie [5.09][edit]

[Lloyd sees Ari study some ledgers from Andrew Klein]
Lloyd: What are those?
Ari: His books. Company books. Gave 'm to me to prove that he can pay me back.... What am I doing? You're Asian, you're supposed to be good with numbers. Figure out if he has any shot at paying me back, because if he doesn't, you will!

[Seeing Jason Patric steal Vince's lines, Turtle and Drama plan their own counterstrike]
Drama: Took the opportunity to inflict a little damage.
Turtle: What kind of damage?
Drama: The "number two" kind!
Turtle: You took a shit in his trailer?
Drama: He can sue me if I forgot to flush.
Turtle: You serious?
Drama: Let's just say revenge is best served "a la commode."

Seth Green Day [5.10][edit]

[Babs is irritated at Ari crashing "The Most Powerful Women in Hollywood" testimonial party]
Babs: I want an apology. Now.
Ari: Ladies, I'm sorry I'd like to congratulate each and every one of you, but unfortunately, Barbara's cock [women gasp in shock] is all I can handle right now! Congrats again...[leaves]

[Vince and Verner Vollstedt talk about Vince's supposedly bad acting mannerisms]
Vince: I really don't see a head tilt.
Verner: Shall I get a protractor? It's there!

Play'n with Fire [5.11][edit]

[Turtle and Jamie-Lynn Sigler have some bonding time on the road]
Jamie-Lynn Sigler: What's your plan?
Turtle: Plan for what?
Sigler: Your life, do you have one?
Turtle: It might not look it, but I've pondered a few things.
Sigler: Oh yeah? Like what? [Turtle laughs] Oh I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you in the spotlight like that.
Turtle: It's okay, things haven't exactly panned out, career-wise.
Sigler: Why don't you take over this limo business, and I'll be the driver.
Turtle: [thinks about her offer] Hot girls driving limos...I love that. Call it "Lim-hoes."
Sigler: [Laughs] I don't know about the name. [pinches Turtle]
Turtle: Not sure about having a business partner who's in jail, either.

[Ari and Dana Gordon confront Verner Vollstedt over his problems in shooting Smoke Jumpers with Vince, who's present along with E]
Verner Vollstedt: I'm not gonna take anymore of this shit.
Dana Gordon: Oh yes, you fucking are. Get your ass back here! [Verner walks back to her; Dana keeps pointing a finger at him] I hired you and you have a movie to finish that you are getting paid a lot of money to do and [raises voice] that's exactly what is going to fucking happen! Do you understand me!?
Ari Gold: I do. Anyone else turned on right now?

Return to Queens Blvd. [5.12][edit]

[Drama's cousin Ronnie has offered him a chance to invest in a bar and a call from Jamie-Lynn Sigler for Turtle has just changed his outlook]
Drama: Hey Ronnie, you tell Phil that if this place is henceforth known as Johnny Drama's, I'm in.
Ronnie: Yeah?
Drama: Yeah. [stands and addresses crowd] Hey everyone, I got an announcement to make. The drinks are on me...[crowd cheers] or should I say, the drinks are on...the house! [crowd cheers louder and Drama high-fives Ronnie]

[Vince walks out of the house after Gus Van Sant politely tells him he is not needed for his latest project. E follows him]
Eric 'E' Murphy: Vince, Vince..
Vincent Chase: I don't wanna talk about this right now, E.
E: It'll gonna be alright. We just turned a leaf. Things didn't go as planned, and everything's gonna turn out fine.
Vince: [turns back to E] Really? You're sure? You're so fucking sure, how do you really know?
E: I just do.
Vince: Just like you knew about this? Ari told you No, and you kept pushing. Not only did you embarrass yourself, you embarrassed me.
E: Embarrassed you? Gus Van Sant likes you.
Vince: Do you believe him? C'mon, he wouldn't let me audition. Who knows if he even watched the footage?
E: Vince-
Vince: No! We said, we swore that this year, we would listen to Ari, and guess what? Again, you didn't.
E: What am I supposed to do? Do nothing and stand idly by in the hope that something magically appears?
Vince: Yeah, maybe, and since you've been my manager, everything that you've pushed for has brought me to this point.
E: You serious? I've been the one working to get you what you want when no one else cared.
Vince: Yeah, that maybe what I needed, someone who would look out for my career and not my personal interests.
E: I was doing both!
Vince: Whatever it is you're doing, clearly it wasn't working. Two years ago, I was starring in movies, now people wouldn't let me audition?
E: One person wouldn't let you audition, you gotta stay positive Vince, you know that.
Vince: Are you serious? I've done nothing but stay positive. I've listened to everything that you wanted me to do, and now I've got a house full of people who can really see how a failure I've turned into.
E: Vince...
Vince: No, when we started this, we said when we started this that it will all be about the business not the friendship. It's time for a change, E.
E: [realizes Vince's words] You're firing me?
Vince: 'Cause this isn't working.
E: Whatever, I'm not gonna grovel. Go find someone better, 'Cause I can live with myself knowing I busted my ass and I gave everything I had to you.
Vince: I know you did E, but it wasn't enough.
E: Yeah, fuck you.

Season 6[edit]

Drive [6.01][edit]

[Lloyd confronts Ari a second time over his promotion prospects.]
Lloyd Lee: Do you have any plan to promote me?
Ari Gold: I haven't even thought about it.
Lloyd: Well you need to.
Ari: Lloyd...
Lloyd: [louder] Ari, promote me, or I'm leaving you!
Ari: Leaving me? [laughs] Where would you go?
Lloyd: To another agency.
Ari: Another agency? Lloyd, you have to start all over again. You know that.
Lloyd: Well, I'll go work for my father.
Ari: What, in the dry cleaners?
Lloyd: My father has a winery in Napa.
Ari: I don't think sodomy is legal in Napa, Lloyd. [laughs with Andrew Klein]
Lloyd: [after short pause] Every time I have broached this subject over the years, you have responded with some wise-ass comment. The time has come, I want to know if this is gonna happen. I want to know when, and I want to know today-
Ari: [stands up during Lloyd's speech] I WILL NOT BE STRONG-ARMED, LLOYD!
Lloyd: You just were, Ari Gold! [walks back to station]
Andrew Klein: Tough queer.

[Vince is optimistic about his prospects of an award over Gatsby]
Vince: I'd just be happy to avoid a Razzie.
Drama: There's nothing wrong with a Razzie.
Turtle: Johnny's gonna go for the hat-trick if he ever does another movie.
Drama: I only have one Razzie, asshole.

Amongst Friends [6.02][edit]

[Ari tries to sell Andrew Klein about the potential of Mrs Ari hanging out with Marlo Klein]
Ari: My wife will love her, trust me. And when we're together after this, we don't have to speak to them and we get to keep all our money.

[At the Gatsby premiere, Sloan is not happy that Ashley butted into her conversation with E]
Sloan: [to E] Who's the girl with the bad attitude?

One Car, Two Car, Blue Car, Red Car [6.03][edit]

[Turtle comes to Ari, seeking help for a business idea, but Ari gives him a hard lesson in business administration with a little help from Lloyd]
Ari: What do you need, office space, insurance, how many employees? What do you project to earn, what do you need to break even, at what point can your investors see some profit?!
Turtle: I don't know!
Ari: [ushers Turtle to seat] Look. When my son was born, my greatest fear was having this conversation. I knew that I would give him anything he wanted 'cause he was my son. I couldn't say No, which sucks, because it wouldn't help him and he'd just end up on the street doing heroin with the two Coreys, because I was too much of a pussy to teach him a lesson. I won't make that mistake with you. Just say No.
Turtle: I could pull this off, Ari.
Ari: Come back to me when you could prove it.

[E wants to stop the recasting of Charlie after he scores poorly on his pilot and seeks Ari's help]
Ari: What I'm capable of doing and what you're capable of doing are two totally different things.
E: So what would you do?
Ari: I would make a scene of Biblical proportions. I would lie, scream, beg, borrow, and steal. If that somehow didn't part Amy Miller's legs then I would call racism and I would yell for all to hear: "You're really gonna fire my poor black client off the show he CREATED? I'm calling the NAACP, the Rev Al Sharpton, and the ghost of my man, Malcolm X!"
E: Awesome. Guess I'm gonna try my own thing.

Running on E [6.04][edit]

[Ari has just talked to Lizzie over her affair with Andrew Klein]
Ari: Lloyd, come in here. [Lloyd enters office]
Lloyd: Yes, Mr Gold?
Ari: I want you to keep an eye on Andrew Klein.
Lloyd: Keep my eyes on him, how?
Ari: Pretend he's Zac Efron's ballsack.... and find me if you spot anything strange.

[Turtle is curious about Jamie-Lynn Sigler being tapped for a Five Towns story arc with Drama]
Turtle: How many kisses?
Drama: Like, four...and a sex scene, but it's network, so it's not gonna be too graphic.
Turtle: There's a sex scene now!?

Fore! [6.05][edit]

[E discovers that Sloan had a hand in Murray Berenson offering him a job after shutting down the Murphy Group]
Sloan: What is the problem?
E: The problem is, you treat me like some kind of social experiment.
Sloan: What do you mean? [both look at inbound golf cart and step out of the way for a moment]
E: Well, first you find me a place to live and then you're trying to get your godfather to hire me?
Sloan: These are bad things?
E: Yeah, but why are you doing it?
Sloan: Because I care about you.
E: I thought you didn't want to be friends.
Sloan: I said I couldn't be friends right now and that's because I cared too much.
E: So what? You want to see me turn into the man you want to be, then you'll consider talking to me?
Sloan: Eric, I have no idea what you're being so hostile about.
E: How hostile? Because while you may just think I'm Vince's bitch, I've done pretty okay for myself. I don't need you out there begging people to offer me things.
Sloan: I didn't beg anybody. I told someone about you and I thought you guys might make a good match. [steps out of way again for golf cart] Apparently, he agrees and he's not some schmuck who hands out jobs because I tell him to - and I don't think of you as Vince's bitch, for crying out loud, but clearly, you do.
E: Well, maybe you don't know me so well.

Turtle: [To Tom Brady] Do you picture yourself in a Giants jersey? That blue matches your eyes. [Brady is surprised]
Ari: [joins gang] How's your day, boys?
Turtle: We're having dinner at Tom Brady's house.
Ari: [to Brady about Turtle] You know he's not a Make-A-Wish kid right? [gang laughs]

Murphy's Lie [6.06][edit]

[At a break in the Five Towns shoot, E reveals to the gang something about him and Ashley]
Drama: You called Ashley "Sloan" and you weren't even mid-fuck??
Turtle: Ugh, it's the worst! That's why I always stick with "Yeah, baby!"
Drama: Whose name would you accidentally call out, Vince's? [Turtle flips him off]
Vince: So how did you cover?
E: I told her she was hearing things.
Vince: Jesus.
Drama: Bet she took that well.
E: Yeah, she left.
Turtle: Who wouldn't?
Vince: Why didn't you chase after?
Turtle: 'Cause he loves Sloan!

[Ari has just reprimanded Lizzie Grant and Andrew Klein over their affair]
Lizzie Grant: I'd like to go back to my desk now. I'd like to do my job.
Ari: Go! [Lizzie leaves] You so much as eye-fuck another agent in this building, I will deport you naked to the Taliban.

No More Drama [6.07][edit]

[At E's first staff meeting at Murray Berenson, a number of female employees come into the conference room carrying several boxes of large-size pizzas]
Female Employee: These just came at the front desk for you.
E: I didn't order any pizza.
Female Employee: Ari Gold sent them. The delivery boy said "Good luck. You're no longer a pizza boy, you're now [offers boxes] a pizza man." [employees at table laugh]

[Drama tries to head to the studio with a gift and an apology for attempting to attack studio boss Dan Coakley, whom he claims had sex with Jamie-Lynn Sigler, but Lawrence the guard stops him]
Drama: Wanna roll up this gate?
Lawrence: 'Fraid I can't do that.
Drama: Why not?
Lawrence: You're on the list.
Drama: What list?
Lawrence: The "Banned from the Lot" list. That's why your picture's right there. [shows folder with a list and pictures of people]
Drama: Well, my picture's right there! [points to Five Towns ad] How do you explain that?
Lawrence: Can't, but the message came from Dan Coakley himself, so I'm assuming whatever you did, looks real bad.

The Sorkin Notes [6.08][edit]

[Aaron Sorkin and Ari Gold visit Andrew Klein in jail]
Andrew Klein: Act as if you have faith, and fate shall be given to you.
Ari Gold: This is pathetic.
Aaron Sorkin: He's quoting me. It's the West Wing, the Assassination episode.
Klein: I had more of your quotes. I had a lot of ideas, amazing, brilliant ideas, but I couldn't get into my house. My wife wouldn't let me get them and I blew that chance. I blew my marriage and if I blew this with you, I'd blow my career too.
Ari: I'm sorry, Aaron-[Sorkin gestures him to let Andrew speak]
Klein: I drove into my own house for you Aaron. My own, uninsured, overpriced Beverly Hills motherfucking home. I took my car, and I put it into gear, and I drove it [cracking voice] right into my own goddamn living room...for you. Who else would do that? [cries]
Sorkin: [taps screen] I had a rough divorce too. I get it. [pause] We'll give it a shot.
Klein: Really?
Sorkin: Yeah, but if he [points to Ari] ever calls me, I'm gone. [hangs up and leaves]

Security Briefs [6.09][edit]

[Drama appears in the kitchen to see Turtle and Vince incensed over Aaron Cohen's bodyguards being too noisy. Turtle notices Drama's disfigured face]
Turtle: What's with the face? [Vince is surprised]
Drama: They surprised me with a new scene when I got to the set last night. Battery acid sprays out of my car engine. Four hours of makeup...[voice slows to bitter murmur] for one line, compliments of Dan Coakley.
Vince: Why don't you take it off?
Drama: I gotta shoot again tonight. I can't bear another session in my makeup chair. [Splits bagel with bagel slicer he just bought]
Turtle: Now you got two bad sides.
Drama: [agitated] Don't start with me Turtle, I am exhausted! [slaps hand hard on bagel slicer]
Turtle: Oh you are? We got the Israeli Army waking us up all night, you can go home!
Drama: Baby bro is hungry, and you can go to Jamie's.

[Ari has a three-way teleconference with Adam Davies and a very pissed off Zac Efron]
Zac Efron: You still there, Adam?
Adam Davies: Yup.
Efron: Good. You're fired. I'm with Ari now.
Ari: Good Yontiff! [claps hands and breaks off link to Davies] Beautiful work, Zac, beautiful. You are now my new favorite client. I cannot wait to get you a producer credit on College Musical.
Efron: That's hilarious, Ari. How about a signing present? Something with four wheels and leather seats?

Berried Alive [6.10][edit]

[Ari is livid that Lloyd resigned and now works for Adam Davies at TMA]
Lloyd: I'm sorry you feel that way, Ari.
Ari Gold: [over the phone] You're sorry, Lloyd?!?! You have NO IDEA how sorry you're going to be. I am going to destroy you, I am going to ERRODE every fiber of your spirit. You no longer exist, you are dead to me, and the town will know that anyone meeting with you, speaking with you, or even NODDING to you on the street will be dead as well. So die, Lloyd. Die, die, DIE! And when you're gagging on Davies' balls, I want you to bite down so he can die too!

[At a restaurant, E has told Ashley that he's breaking up with her. A phone call to him is driving her nuts]
Ashley: [to E, who's preparing to leave] You know you are really a piece-of-shit liar. You love fucking with me, don't you? You just said this morning that you want to be exclusive so you could use me and pull this shit now. I can't believe I fell for your nice guy act. You are real sick.
E: Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.
Ashley: And I'm sorry you're a douchebag!
E: Look, I didn't lie to you about anything. I actually liked you, but you show up at the premiere uninvited, you check my phone, you listen to my messages, you want my emails? [Ashley squirms in seat] You say you are not crazy, but all signs point to the contrary. I'm sorry. [Leaves restaurant]

Scared Straight [6.11][edit]

[Ari has a new assistant]
Matt: I got you a blueberry grand muffin from the Belwood Bakery, 'cause I was told it's your favorite. [walks together with Ari]
Ari: It is...[gets muffin from paper bag] except this is cranberry. [Matt is flabbergasted] See the red berries? [shoves muffin and paper bag in Matt's face]
Matt: Um, I asked for blue-
Ari: Did you check?
Matt: No.
Ari: Bye, Matt. [leaves him behind]
Matt: So, back to Human Resources?
Ari: Back to the Iowa farmhouse that breastfed you 'til 15!

[Turtle and Jamie-Lynn Sigler argue over the UCLA co-ed who flirted with him and later added him in Facebook]
Turtle: I think you're overreacting.
Jamie-Lynn: [packs up things for her New Zealand assignment] You do? You know how many people requested to be my friend? I didn't accept them all!
Turtle: I didn't want to be rude.
Jamie-Lynn: This is really convenient timing, don't you think?
Turtle: No this is terrible timing, 'cause now you're gonna leave all upset.
Jamie-Lynn: Sorry for your guilt!
Turtle: Jamie please, this is hard enough for me already, could you please trust me and forget about it?
Jamie-Lynn: I know I'm forgetting something.
Turtle: Jamie, you have everything. I looked under your bed, opened every drawer. Just wanna make sure you and I are okay.
Jamie-Lynn: Then delete her!
Turtle: Delete her?
Jamie-Lynn: Yeah! Take her off your friends list.
Turtle: [accesses FB on iPhone and deletes girl] Done. Feel better?
Jamie-Lynn: Not really.
Turtle: Jamie, come on.
Jamie-Lynn: Do you want me to go?
Turtle: No, I don't want you to go! This is gonna be a great opportunity. It's gonna be amazing for you.
Jamie-Lynn: [sits on bed, teary-eyed] You're really going to miss me?
Turtle: Baby, don't cry. I'll be waiting right here for when you get back. [Jamie hugs him]

Give A Little Bit [6.12][edit]

[Ari and Mrs Ari discuss Terrance's buyout offer with the marriage therapist, and the real reason comes to light after Mrs Ari mentions Terrance, Adam Davies, and Lloyd]
Therapist: Is it true? Do you want to destroy these people, Ari?
Ari: Okay, yes. If I could GOUGE OUT Terrance McQuewick's eyeballs and eat them for what he did to me, I would. And I would sell that Benedict Arnold Adam Davies into white slavery if we lived in a place that had a market for it. And LLOYD, that little queen, who I welcomed into my home and allowed to play with my children and care for my dog and who left me for those two scumbags, I would tie him up and allow the entire Screen Actors Guild to anally rape him if not for the fact that I'd know he would enjoy it. I hate them all, and yes, I want to see them destroyed. But that is not why I want this company. I want - no, I need - this company, because it's good business. It's good goddamn business and if I don't buy it, someone else will and that will be very very bad for my business. And my wife, of all people, should know, that when it comes to business, my judgment is never clouded, so please [pleads to Mrs Ari] please support me like you always have, and I will deliver for us, like I always have.
Therapist: So, what do you think?
Mrs Ari: I think it was a good speech.
Therapist: Yeah.
Mrs Ari: Do what you need to do, Ari.
Ari: Really?[Mrs Ari nods] I love you. [Kisses Mrs Ari then to therapist] Can we fuck in here?

[E and Sloan are having a fight on the road about getting back together]
E: Why is it so selfish 'cause I'm tryin' to tell you i wanna be with you?
Sloan: [gets out of car and walks away] Because last time you convinced me it was forever, you took off with your buddies five minutes later!
E: I'm sorry, I was trying to get my business going!
Sloan: You took me for granted.
E: [blocks her] I know!
Sloan: Eric, why are you doing this to me?
E: Because I love you.
Sloan: I will not get lured back into this. I can't trust you! You love to have a girlfriend, but on your terms! You're never gonna be able to commit, not to anyone!
E: That is not true, I will commit to you right now!
Sloan: Eric, STOP!
E: I swear to God, I'm gonna marry you.
Sloan: [sarcastic] You'll marry me?
E: Yes, I'm gonna get into that car right now, drive to Vegas and commit to you for the rest of my life.
Sloan: Really? Have you even thought about this?
E: Yeah. I have, and this time I swear on my life, it'll be forever. [presents engagement ring]

Season 7[edit]

Stunted [7.01][edit]

[Ari tries to visit the set of The Takeover to talk about Vince attempting a critical stunt, but a call from Mrs. Ari holds him back]
Ari: Even with a million-man army you sometimes have to do the grunt work yourself. Saddam Hussein had to hang a few without his assistants.

[Drama rants about a lack of offers on his holding deal]
Drama: They gave me a holding deal!
Ari: The guy who grills my hot dogs at Carney's had a holding deal in 1978.

Buzzed [7.02][edit]

[Ari is impressed with Lizzie Grant's performance during negotiations with the NFL]
Ari: What do you think of the name the LA Gold?
Lizzie: I like it.
Ari: I love it!!
Lizzie: Congratulations!
Ari: Congratulations to you! Huh? [embraces Lizzie and begins dancing with her] You killed it in there by the way! Maybe I'll make you a cheerleader there, who knows?
Lizzie: I prefer a GM.
Ari: Whatever you want ... [sees Mrs Ari come in] You won't believe it, baby.
Mrs Ari: Hello, I am Ari's wife.

Drama: Look, E, I know we've had our ups and downs but I want you to know I appreciate this.
Eric: Have we had downs?
Drama: No, but we probably will if we work together.

Dramedy [7.03][edit]

[Mrs Ari expresses her displeasure at having seen Ari with Lizzie Grant]
Mrs Ari: The slut that ruined your best friend's career and marriage is still working in your office and if that was not enough, for some reason you were spinning her around like you just won Dancing with the Stars.
Ari: Why, I-
Mrs Ari: Why were you spinning her around?
Ari: I just got the call from the NFL and I was excited. I have dreamt since I was a little kid of owning a football team. I would have spun Lloyd around if he was in front of me - and if I could lift him.
Mrs Ari: I don't like that girl, Ari, and I don't like her one bit! I still don't understand why you didn't fire her last year.
Ari: If I was gonna fire anyone it should have been Andrew.
Mrs Ari: You know what? Maybe you should have fired them both.

[Drama catches Vince in bed with a woman]
Drama: That's not my hat, is it bro?

Tequila Sunrise [7.04][edit]

Bottoms Up [7.05][edit]

Hair [7.06][edit]

Tequila and Coke [7.07][edit]

Sniff Sniff Gang Bang [7.08][edit]

Ari: If you don't want to talk and you don't want to have sex, what else is there to do in here?
Mrs. Gold: Do you want to talk?
Ari: I'd rather have sex.

[E confronts Scott Lavin over supplying Vince with crack]
E: [reacting to Scott's quips about Kevin Love leaving his office] I don't give a shit! Are you fucking kidding me? Vince's has never done coke a day in his life suddenly you come around, he's hopping out of planes and showing him to important meetings out of his mind?
Scott Lavin: Wait a minute, that was not my fault.
E: Oh really, whose fucking fault was it, Scott? We've worked way too hard to bring Vince back from the dead, you're trying to fuck it up, stay away from him. [leaves office]

Porn Scenes from an Italian Restaurant [7.09][edit]

[Turtle gets a strange call from Carlos of Avion]
Carlos: Why are people from Texas inquiring about my tequila?
Turtle: What people?
Carlos: Texas people. I don't like being spied on, Turtle.
Turtle: Come on Carlos, don't be paranoid
Carlos: Who have you been talking to?
Turtle: You told me to find money.
Carlos: What, when?
Turtle: Said you wanted to expand, and I told you I'd find the money!
Carlos: That was a joke.
Turtle: It wasn't. It was Mark Cuban, the owner of the Dallas Mavericks.
Carlos: I know who he is.

[Ari fumes away at Amanda Daniels inside an Italian restaurant]
Ari: You're sorry, sorry for what? [stands up] You're sorry for leaking slanderous, out-of-context -
Mrs. Ari: Sit down.
Ari: [gestures hand to Mrs Ari] - nonsense about me, huh, and for rifling through all of my hard work to steal my football team?
Amanda Daniels: No, no, your false-
Ari: Fuck you.
Mrs. Ari: Ari!
Ari: No no, hold on a second! I've never hit a woman in my entire life, but I swear to God in my mind, right now, I am pummeling your smug face to a pulp for everything you've done to me, my career, and my family. But not to worry, alright because I will prevail, because I'm a winner, and you're a whore with more cleavage than talent, and I WILL NOT STOP UNTIL I DESTROY YOU!!
Restaurant Manager: Mr Gold, I have to insist that you leave.
Ari: Excellent choice, because I have a life to destroy!

Lose Yourself [7.10][edit]

[While the gang waits to do an intervention for Vince, Scott Lavin wants to talk to E about a coup at Murray Berenson]
E: Bullshit.
Scott Lavin: No, it's not bullshit. I got most of the company with me, 'kay? I was going to tell you, in fact, I tried to tell you, but with your fiancee, your attention-
E: Scott, listen to me. That'll never happen.
Scott: It is happening, with or without you.

[Ari tries to get his sister-in-law's cooperation to plan a surprise party for Mrs Ari]
Ari: I do what I do and I'm pretty good about it, I'd spend every last dime that I have to show her how much I care about her.
Marcie: She wants a husband, Ari, She doesn't want a fucking party!
Ari: It's a grand gesture!
Marcie: You're an asshole.

Season 8[edit]

Home Sweet Home [8.01][edit]

[Drama just gave E something in an envelope]
E: [sees the engagement ring he gave Sloan] She sent it in an envelope?!?!
Drama: Not even a padded one.
Turtle: Imagine if we told you that last week.

[Mrs Ari has just told Ari about her already seeing someone as they are separated]
Mrs Ari: Say something!
Ari: What is there to say? [stammers and walks out]

Out with a Bang [8.02][edit]

[Billy Walsh is commenting Vince on the script he wrote for Drama]
Billy Walsh: Some of it sucks.
Vince: It does hurt.
Walsh: But I can fix it.
Vince: So, fix it. Change anything you want, I'll take nothing personally because this movie's not for me. It's for Johnny.
Walsh: Amazing selflessness, I'm gonna use some of that attitude for the yellow Lab's personality, if that's okay.
Vince: It's okay.

[Ari has just discovered whom Mrs Ari is dating and goes to the conference room to meet his agents]
Ari: Everyone hear my words - Bobby Flay is now my sworn enemy, which means he is yours. Now if anyone eats at or even recommends any one of that Boy-Meets-Grill fuck's establishments, it'll be Agent-Meets-Fist! [walks out]

The Last Shot [8.03][edit]

[Turtle has a meeting with Avion owner Carlos, who gives him something as a reward for his work with the company. He opens the box.]
Turtle: Whoa. Gold watch?
Carlos: Yes. You like?
Turtle: I love it! You know, in the US, they give someone a gold watch when they retire...[strikes a thought and sees Carlos' face] Am I retiring?

[Drama tries to talk to Johnny's Bananas producer Phil Yagoda about a pay raise with E and Scott's help. Phil is not amused.]
Phil Yagoda: [while driving] Is Dice there too?
Drama: No Phil, we're not crazy.
Phil: Yeah well, Johnny do yourself a favor - don't let anybody cover your ears, so you can hear this - Hey dumb fuck, was this your idea?
Drama: It was Dice's idea. He's put crazy things in my head.
Phil: Yeah, well remind Dice that when we cast him two months ago, he was doing stand-up at a fucking bowling alley.
Drama: He doesn't care.
Phil: Well, you better care Johnny, because if you allow him or anyone else to fuck this up, you're bananas. Go to Dice tell him you don't get a raise because you test well. Maybe remind him about his show called Concrete Heat that I produced and you starred in in 1994 and that tested to the fucking moon. You remember that?
Drama: [attentive because he remembers the show] Yeah, I remember that.
Phil: Yeah, you remember how long it lasted?
Drama: One week.
Phil: Yeah, many people thought it was cancelled in the second half hour.
Drama: Yeah, that's because they put us up against fucking Seinfeld.
Phil: Drama, I know that doing a voiceover is not what you want - I know that you want to get that precious face of yours back in the camera. This will lead to all of that, if you're smart, so be smart and be sure that crazy fuck is too or you will bury us all.

Whiz Kid [8.04][edit]

[A police officer has Vince and Turtle processed for questioning related to Carl Ertz' suicide]
Drama: You're not gonna separate them, right?
Police Officer: Why would I?
Scott Lavin: [to officer] Don't mind him. He's seen too many episodes of Law and Order.
Drama: I've been on more episodes than I've seen 'em.

[Dana Gordon bails on Ari at Flay's because his plan to get back at Mrs Ari over their separation has gone awry. He receives a call.]
Ari: Hello?
Mrs Ari: [At a UNICEF event] What the fuck are you thinking?!?!
Ari: What's the problem?
Mrs Ari: What, you wouldn't think that Bobby Flay wouldn't tell me that you were out on a date?
Ari: Well, I guess the Bro Code's out the window when you're fucking someone's wife.
Mrs Ari: I am indeed hurt and quite frankly embarrassed!
Ari: How do you think I felt?
Mrs Ari: Anyone else, Ari? I mean, even if you insist on throwing it in my face, I could deal with anyone else!
Ari: What do you mean?
Mrs Ari: I always knew you were fucking Dana Gordon!
Ari: It's not true. Not since 1992.
Mrs Ari: Even when I moved out here?
Ari: I have NEVER cheated on you...but it's nice to know you still care.
Mrs Ari: How are you gonna look at me, Ari?

Motherf*cker [8.05][edit]

[Melinda Clarke has visited E at the Murphy-Lavin office]
E: So tell me, what's happening with you?
Melinda: I wanna work.
E: That's great.
Melinda: I need to work. Since Terrance and I have divorced, I can't sit still. It's so pathetic right?
E: Listen. I thought taking three years off was a complete waste of your time.
Melinda: That's easy for you to say. Unfortunately, my manager didn't take too kindly to my hiatus and dropped me.
E: Really? I didn't know of that.
Melinda: Why do you think I'm here? I want you to manage me.
E: Why me?
Melinda: Sloan always spoke so highly of you. I may hate her father, but I always love and respect her.
E: Yeah.
Melinda: Eric, I don't mean to put you on the spot, but I'm focused on committing to get my career back, so think about it. It would really mean a lot to me.

[Drama's letting Billy Walsh know his problems with Jamie Kennedy]
Billy: Calm down, Drama. Calm down.
Drama: Calm down?!? This guy not only sucks, he thinks he's Sandy Meisner.
Billy: Let's just get it done.
Drama: Get WHAT done? This show is over if we don't do something about it.
Billy: What do you like to do?
Drama: Get Dice back!
Billy: Not gonna happen. The network won't pay him.
Drama: [points to Jamie] You like this guy?
Billy: Course not.
Drama: Then we need to make it happen!!
Billy: If there was something I could do, don't you think I would have done it? I would give anything to get Dice back.
Drama: Anything? Give him a piece of your salary.
Billy: Fuck that! Give him your salary.

The Big Bang [8.06][edit]

[Vince confronts Sophia over the Vanity Fair article she wrote about him]
Vince: I opened up to you, and you mocked me.
Sophia: I don't see it that way.
Vince: I have good relationships with women.
Sophia: I write what I see.
Vince: I don't know how, after everything else I shared with you, you could see that.
Sophia: I don't know why you're focusing on a tiny part of a six-page article.
Vince: Because it's not true. I have tons of respect for women, and not just those I want to sleep with.
Sophia: And you show it by stalking me to a restaurant?
Vince: I wouldn't call it stalking.
Sophia: What would you call it?
Vince: I want to talk.
Sophia: What do you think that would accomplish?
Vince: Correct your opinion of me.
Sophia: Why?
Vince: Why?
Sophia: Yes, the article is done, and I couldn't change it now if I wanted to, I'm sure even you are smart enough to know that.

[Ari tries to talk to Mrs Ari about her plans to get a share of TMA as part of a divorce settlement, but he discovers Bobby Flay is in the house ... and he is pissed]
Ari: Yo, GRILL-MASTER! [marches inside house with Mrs Ari trying to stop him] Are you in my fucking house? I got a new show for you, it's called Boy Meets Husband Who Kills Him!
Bobby Flay: [appears from kitchen] I'm not hiding, Ari.
Ari: Well, you should!
Mrs Ari: [holds him back] Please, Bobby!
Bobby: Melissa, it's okay.
Ari: [distraught about what he just saw] I don't fucking believe it.
Mrs Ari: What, what don't you believe? What, more lies about how all you care about is how happy I am? You're so full of shit.
Ari: I have never hidden who I am, obviously you have. I have no idea who you are. From hereon out, we're gonna let the lawyers handle everything. [steps back] Look honey, I've changed. I'm leaving my house, with you and your barbecueing boytoy in it. No fight, no cops called, no tears, no beating his fucking face in. [leaves]

Second to Last [8.07][edit]

[Lloyd sees Ari in tears reading the miners movie script]
Lloyd: Are you okay, Ari?
Ari: This character... [stands up] He loses his wife and his family, travels halfway around the world to save these guys so they can be with their loving families. You know what the saddest part is?
Lloyd: No?
Ari: I don't even have my dog. This job, Vince...it's all I've got. Is your department ready?
Lloyd: That's why I'm here. They're waiting.
Ari: Let's do this. [Ari meets agents at conference room and throws script on table] I don't know most of you. Why would I? I don't deal with TV, I especially don't deal with made-for-TV movies. This is different. Vince Chase wants this for his brother Johnny. Now we all know that Johnny Chase may have limited talent, but like a child with special needs, a real family member will stand by his side. A real family member will buy that child's way into Harvard, if that's what it takes. Vince Chase is standing by his brother, and I'm standing by both of them. Now I want every available option on the table for how to get this movie made by the end of the day. Whoever succeeds will forever be my family member. Whoever doesn't will be cleaning tanning beds in fucking Rancho Cucamonga-
Jake: [cuts in] I'm sorry Ari, Dana Gordon's on the phone for you.
Ari: [to agents] Looks like I just did your job for you. You're all fired.

[Turtle is disappointed that Avion made an IPO and his investors would not add more money for his Don Peppe's LA, and lets Vince know his frustration]
Vince: It did?
Turtle: If not for my selfish desire to prove that I don't need you, if we didn't sell our stock I would have made four million dollars and what's worse? You would have made almost 15. [sits down]
Vince: Wow.
Drama: Jesus.
Vince: Wow, that's unbelievable.
Turtle: I'm sorry Vin. I'm so stupid.
Vince: [comforts him] You're not stupid. You're smart for getting me into this tequila thing, and I'm smart for not fucking listening to you.
Turtle: [startled] What?
Vince: I never sold!
Turtle: What do you mean?
Vince: I knew this thing was going to be big because you told me it was gonna be, and because I called Mark Cuban, who guaranteed it, so I kept my shares and I even bought yours.
Turtle: Don't fuck with me right now, Vince. Please?
Vince: Cuban told me I'd regret it forever if I didn't, so I bought 'em for you. I mean, you gotta give me back the initial, but it seems like a good trade. Three hundred for almost four million?
Drama: Turtle's a millionaire?
Vince: Yeah, now that he doesn't need me, maybe he'd let me invest in his restaurant.
Turtle: I, I don't know what to say.
Drama: Say thank you, you dumb fuck!

The End [8.08][edit]

[Turtle and Drama try to convince a doubtful Sloan to attend Vince's wedding]
Drama: No, Sloan, I swear on my life that Vince is going to Paris to get married, and it's really important to him and to us [looks at Turtle] that you and [touches Sloan's tummy] your little baby are present.
Sloan: I appreciate it.
Turtle: So you'll come?
Sloan: I have to ask you something and I need you to be honest.
Drama: Yeah, I swear on my life.
Sloan: Swear on your career?
Drama: Okay.
Sloan: Did E fuck Melinda?
Drama: No, no, I swear on my career, E did not fuck Melinda. [Turtle gestures No]
Sloan: What time does the plane leave?
Turtle: Eight pm.
Sloan: I'll think about it.

[Ari receives a call from someone while vacationing on the Amalfi Coast. It turns out to be John Ellis.]
John Ellis: I want you back here, Ari.
Ari Gold: Not gonna happen, John.
John: You passed on running my studio once, which I thought was asinine. Are you really silly enough to pass on an offer from me twice?
Ari: Your studio head is doing a great job. You don't need me.
John: I don't want you to replace her. I want you to replace me...as chairman and CEO. It's my time, and yours. [drinks]
Ari: John...
John: This is not just about movies, it's about a film division that grossed four billion. It's about a television network and three premium cable networks. You want a sports franchise? Buy one yourself, 'Cause there'll only be a handful of other people making the sort of money you'll be making. And while everyone you know may own the fanciest clothes and the best cars, you will own the companies that sell 'em. You wanna know what Heaven really is, Ari? Try being God. Ari?
Ari: [flabbergasted at the offer] John, I just got here.
John: You're the only guy for this and you know it. Rest. Relax. I'll try you again in one week. [hangs up]

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about: