Evan Almighty

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Evan Almighty is the 2007 sequel to Bruce Almighty about a former TV newsman who, after being elected to Congress, is commanded to build an ark by God because of an oncoming flood.

Directed by Tom Shadyac. Written by Steve Oedekerk.
A comedy of Biblical proportions.taglines
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Contents

[edit] Quotes

[signing off for the last time]
Evan Baxter: I feel like that old Indian in front of all the garbage. So, for the last time, this is Evan Baxter for Eyewitness News. Goodnight.
[Evan walks into the office with a beard]
Evan Baxter: Rita, it's me!
Rita Daniels: Why do you sound like Evan Baxter but look like a Bee Gee?
God: How do you change the world?
Evan: One single act of random kindness at a time.
God: [spoken while writing A-R-K on the ground with a stick] One Act, of Random, Kindness.
Evan: It can't end this way. Is it too much to ask for a little precipitation?!
Joan: Honey, maybe God didn't mean a literal flood? Maybe he meant a flood of knowledge or emotion or awareness.
Evan: If that's true, I am going to be so pissed.
Police Sergeant: Two minutes! Get off the boat now or you will be removed by force.
Joan: Evan, you did it. You built the ark. That's all you were asked to do, right?
Evan: No. There's something else. Something's going to happen. I can feel it.
Joan: Yeah. what's gonna to happen is tear gas and a wrecking ball. Evan, think of the kids.
Police Sergeant: One minutes!
Dylan: Dad,whatever you say, I'm with you.
Eugene: Yeah, me, too.
Jordan: Me, too. But can we keep some of the animals? I like the alpaca. He spits.
God: I now issue a new commandment: "Thou shalt do the dance."
(After a short but heavy downpour, the sky clears again with the clouds moving further away.)
Neighbor 1: This was it Baxter?
Neighbor 2: Is your god experiencing a slight water shortage?
Reporter: It would seem that Congressman Baxter was correct about the rain, with a slight miscalculation as to the quantity.
God: Tell you what. You build it and I'll fill it. Oh and you might need this. [Holds up a book titled "Ark Building for Dummies"]
[Evan is driving to work]
Evan Baxter: I am successful, I am powerful, I am handsome, and I am happy. Sucessful, powerful, handsome- [Looks into rearview, and sees God in the back seat, having just appeared out of nowhere] Happy! [He screams]
God: [smiling] Let it out, son. It's the beginning of wisdom.
Evan Baxter: How did you get in here?! D'ah, I'm calling the cops!
God: No wait. Look-look-look! There's one right there. [Points to a motorcycle cop on the shoulder. Evan rolls down his window]
Evan Baxter: Officer! Officer! Carjacker, carjacker in the car! Carjacker in the car! [The officer turns to face Evan and reveals that he is God]
God (as police officer): Careful pulling out. Pedestrian in the crosswalk.
[Evan turns around. God has vanished. He looks and sees God everywhere - crossing the street, and in the car behind him, honking for him to move]
God: (to Evan) Build the ark. And if anybody asks, just say, a flood is coming.
God: I remember creating this valley. Notice how the mountains lie from east to west.
Evan: Where are we?
God: Don't recognize, eh? This is where you live, son. This is Prestige Crest. I just wanted you to see the original design.
Evan: So, you're... really... HIM?
God: Want more proof? I haven't done the pillar of salt thing in a while.
Evan: No. No. I believe you. But why me?
God: You said you want to change the world.
God: [posing as a waiter named Al Mighty] I love that story, Noah and the Ark. You know, a lot of people miss the point of that story. They think it’s about God’s wrath and anger. They love it when God gets angry.
Joan: What is the story about, then? The ark?
God: Well, I think it’s a love story about believing in each other. You know, the animals showed up in pairs. They stood by each other, side by side, just like Noah and his family. Everybody entered the ark side by side.
Joan: But my husband says God told him to do it. What do you do with that?
God: Sounds like an opportunity. Let me ask you something. If one prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does he give them opportunities to be courageous? If one prayed for their family to be closer, you think God zaps them with warm, fuzzy feelings? Or does he give them opportunities to love each other? Well, I got to run. A lot of people to serve. Enjoy.
Rita: You said God told you to do it. (build the Ark)
Evan: Yes.
Rita: But did God tell you to let your friends come down here and make them look stupid? Cuz I go to church every Sunday... Ok, every other Sunday... Alright, I've been to church and that does not sound like God to me!
Evan: Do we have anything unleavened?
Joan: Yeah, we do. It's in the back, next to the frankincense and myrrh. We have a fancy name for it in this century. It's called pita.
Evan: SSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP!!!!!
Evan: (Joan and the kids have just left him) I know, I know. Everything you do, you do because you love me. (A sprinkler blasts him in the face) Do me a favor; love me less!
Evan: (With his arms and staff outstretched to the looming Memorial Bridge, as the Ark is fast approaching it.) I command thee halt! Stop! Woah! (Nothing happens) How about a little help here?!
[Suddenly the whole right side of the Ark falls dark, as a massive wave four times the size and height of the Ark rises up and crashes down redirecting its path instantly down Capital Mall.]
Joan: How are we going to do this? There is no way the five of us can finish on time. We don't have any money to hire anyone else?
(A bleating behind her causes them all to look.)
Joan: Is that a llama with a hammer?
Jordan: An alpaca. They rarely spit at people, unless frightened or abused.
[Joan looks back to Evan in amazement]
Evan: [Slinging a chord on rope over his shoulder] Let's finish this sucker.
Evan: You knew it all along, didn't you? You knew the dam was unstable. If it hadn't been for the ark, my family, the neighbors... I fought you every step of the way.
God: Yes, but you did it.
Evan: So you had nothing to do with the flood? Like where the ark landed exactly?
God: I gave you a little shove at the end. Sue me.
God: You did good, son. You changed the world.
Evan: No. No I didn't.
God: Well lets see. Spending time with your family making them very happy. You gave that dog a home.
Rita: Evan, what are you doing? You have a ponytail on your face!

[edit] Tag lines

  • A comedy of Biblical proportions.
  • Flooding into cinemas soon.
  • Evan help us.
  • Why are all of these animals following Evan Baxter? God only knows.
  • God has a great design. Guess who's building it?

[edit] Cast

[edit] External links

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