Everybody Hates Chris

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Everybody Hates Chris is a sitcom television series inspired by the childhood experiences of comedian Chris Rock, who narrates the show.


Contents

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Everybody Hates the Pilot [1.1]

Narrator: 1982. That was the year I turned 13. Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was being a teenager. I was gonna have women, money, stay out late... I thought it was gonna be the bomb! Boy, was I wrong!
Rochelle Rock: CHRIS! Get in the bathroom and wipe the pee off the toilet seat!
Julius: If you smell smoke, and you think the house is going to catch fire, get your brother and your sister and get out of here. If you smell gas, and you think the house is going to blow up, get your brother and your sister and get out of here. If you smell smoke, and your brother catches on fire, get your sister and get out of here.
Narrator: Fortunately, the house never caught fire, and neither did my brother.
Julius: Unplug that clock, boy. You can't tell time while you sleep. That's two cents an hour.
[flashback]
Mr. Palmer: I didn't touch her! I don't know what you're talking about!
Narrator: Mr. Palmer was accused of doing something that we can't tell you about because of the network censors. The school settled the lawsuit out of court and he's not allowed to teach anymore. If he moves to your neighborhood, you'll get a warning.
Rochelle Rock: If I ever catch any of y'all spray-paintin' on anybody's wall, I'll put my foot so far up your behind that you'll have toes for teeth!
Rochelle Rock: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY TOWEL?!
Joey Caruso: This isn't over, nigger.
Narrator: He got away with calling me "nigger" that day. But he said it later in life at a DMX concert and got stomped half to death.
Caruso: Nice shoes, Bojangles.
Chris: Bojangles? That's not what your mother called me when I was tap-dancin' in her drawers last night.
Narrator: I know you think I'm crazy, but if I let him get away with that, he'd be doin' it all year. Now, I couldn't beat him, but I thought maybe I could out-black him.
Caruso: What?
Chris: Did I stutter?
Caruso: You know who I am?
Chris: You step on my shoe again and I'm gonna tell you who I am. I don't play that. I'm from Bed-Stuy, boy. I bring half of Marcy up in here. I will beat your butt so bad, it gonna need crutches in your sleep.
Narrator: Hey, this might work.
Julius: We get one combo meal. Drew gets the burger, Tonya gets the fries. Chris, you can have the drink.
Chris: One time I only got ice.
Narrator: When I was 13, my mom convinced my dad to move us outta the projects. She always said "project" is just another word for "experiment." In a lab, the government gives rats cheese. In the projects, the government gives humans cheese.

[edit] Everybody Hates Keisha [1.2]

Rochelle Rock: CHRIS!
Narrator: My mother was so loud, every Chris in Brooklyn would hear her!

[edit] Everybody Hates Basketball [1.3]

Rochelle: If I ain't getting any sleep, you ain't getting any sleep.
Narrator: I sucked at every sport I tried: baseball, football... I even tried bowling.

[edit] Everybody Hates Sausage [1.4]

Narrator: It took us about an hour to get my mother off of Tonya's behind, but eventually, Tonya did eat her sausage. And as for my mother, well, to this very day, she still ain't raisin' no babies.

[edit] Everybody Hates Fat Mike [1.5]

Rochelle: Have you lost your monkey-ass mind? Dinner? Do I look like Florence from The Jeffersons to you? Get over here and pick this crap up before I slap the shine off your head!
Narrator: [as Chris, Drew and Tonya mess up the house] Black people didn't go this crazy again till the L.A. riots!

[edit] Everybody Hates Halloween [1.6]

Narrator: You would think a guy that gets beat up every day wouldn't leave the house wearing tights.
Julius: That's almost $2 worth of candy in the garbage.

[edit] Everybody Hates the Babysitter [1.7]

Narrator: My mother would never hire anyone she thought was irresponsible. But irresponsible people don't tell you they're irresponsible. 'Cause they're irresponsible!
Rochelle: Boy, I'm-a kick her ass. Hold my wig.
Yvette: I'm going to run and get you guys something to eat. Watch the baby, OK?
Chris: You can't leave your baby here.
Yvette: Why not?
Chris: Because you're babysitting.

[edit] Everybody Hates the Laundromat [1.8]

Rochelle Rock: Like I told you for the hundredth time, I'm pregnant. I thought you used a condom.
Julius: I did! Damn Risky!
Narrator: Tonya's so difficult, the only reason she's a girl is because my father wanted a boy.

[edit] Everybody Hates Food Stamps [1.9]

Narrator: Some people count sheep. My father counted CHEAP.
Narrator: From the time he was a kid to the time he was an adult, my father loved to find money.
Child Julius: Mom! Mom! Mom! I found a quarter! I love you, quarter... I'm gonna keep you and name you Bernard!
[flashback: woman giving birth]
Doctor: It's a boy!
Julius: I found a dollar!
Narrator: That wasn't even my mother!
Tonya: [about the generic cereal] Is there a prize inside?
Rochelle: The prize is you won't starve to death.
Narrator: I thought "Plate Tectonics" was the original name of the Wu-Tang Clan.
Chris: You know, there's a reason why you didn't have a friend until I came along.
Greg: And there's a reason why you don't have a friend now!
Narrator: It was like Andrew Ridgeley leaving Wham!

[edit] Everybody Hates Greg [1.10]

Drew: [repeated line] Wasn't me.
Narrator: My dad liked game shows.
Julius: C'mon, sista. You can do it.
Narrator: And he always rooted for the black people. If there were no black people on it, then he'd root for anybody with a tan.
Bob Barker: What's the next item up for bids, please? A new dishwasher!
Julius: $430.
Bob Barker: I want the first bid from Bennette.
Bennette: $400.
Julius: That's good, that's good. That's right, you're right.
White woman: $625.
Julius: Ooh. You're a fool if you pay that much.
White man: $580.
Julius: What's a man doin' there at 11 o'clock in the mornin'? He ain't got no job?
Narrator: My father was like Rain Man when it came to guessin' how much somethin' cost.
Rochelle: How did you know that? We don't even own a dishwasher.
Julius: That's 'cause it costs $430.
Rochelle: You be like E.T.: you phone home!
Narrator: I thought I'd see George Bush in a do-rag before Tonya got in trouble.
Art: Gregory! You got dents all in my sofa. Can you sit in one spot and can you drink out of one glass?
Narrator: This is like CSI: Brooklyn.
Rochelle: I know you're not out there sellin' drugs. I mean, you could be the kingpin of a Colombian drug cartel for all I know.
Chris: Momma, I'm not out there sellin' drugs.
Rochelle: How do I know that?
Narrator: My mother had one goal in life for her kids: don't sell drugs. As long as they weren't doin' that, almost everything else was gonna be OK.
[Cutaway]
Policeman: Ma'am, your son shot the mayor.
Rochelle: Did he sell drugs?
Policeman: No.
Rochelle: Get in here, boy.
[Another cutaway]
Ploiceman: Ma'am, your son killed the governor, kidnapped his daughter, robbed the President and ran a red light.
Rochelle: He ain't sell no drugs, did he?
Policeman: No, ma'am.
Rochelle: Boy, get in here.
Narrator: Greg looked at me like his dad was Ike Turner.
Rochelle: Who put this pot on the stove?
Drew: Wasn't me.
Narrator: Because of those two words, Drew never got in trouble.
[Cutaway]
Rochelle: Who tore up my back seat?
Drew: Wasn't me.
[Cutaway]
Julius: Who left my nickel layin' out here on the sidewalk?
Drew: Wasn't me.
[Cutaway]
Rochelle: Who spilt this oatmeal?
Baby Drew: Wasn't me.
Narrator: Would you believe those were his first words?

[edit] Everybody Hates Christmas [1.11]

Rochelle: Oh baby, you'll be able to use up all the hot water you want.
Narrator: So all I'm getting is a clean ass.
Julius: Steaming hot.
Tonya: I know there's no such thing as Santa Claus.
Narrator: When my mother heard Tonya say those words, it was like she wasn't her baby anymore.
[Rochelle imagines Tonya aggressively confronting her years later as a teenager]
Teenage Tonya: So, what else did you lie to me about? Are you really gonna kick me out if I get pregnant? Is it true you ain't takin' care of no baby? Can I really not bring a white boy home? Does the Foreman Grill really knock out the fat? Can I really get a loan with no money down? Are you my real mother? Momma, I want answers!

[edit] Everybody Hates a Part-Time Job [1.12]

Narrator: In the game of Dare, there are no rules, there are no regulations, and the game doesn't end 'til somebody's dead.
Narrator: If you watch TV, you'll know that the emergency room is one of the most exciting places you can be. Wrong!
Narrator: We delivered papers in Brooklyn. We delivered papers in Queens, Chinatown, Little Italy, Spanish Harlem, Puerto Rican Harlem, the Bronx, Greenwich Village. We delivered papers to people I didn't even know who could read.
Julius: I'm not givin' you money for walkin' around doin' nothin'. An allowance? I allow you to sleep here at night. I allow you to eat them potatoes. I allow you to use my lights. I allow you to drink my Kool-Aid. I allow you to nibble on them green beans. I allow you to look at that TV. I allow you to run up my gas bill. I allow you to walk up my stairs. I allow you to ask me these ridiculous-ass questions. Why should I give you an allowance when I already paid for everything you do? Who you know that gets an allowance? Huh?

[edit] Everybody Hates Picture Day [1.13]

Rochelle: You took your pictures dressed as a lawn jockey?!
Narrator: These women are worse than the pigeons in Central Park.
Mrs. Milone: You better find something to wear, you can't take a picture in your underwear.
Narrator: I don't think anybody ever told Prince that.

[edit] Everybody Hates Valentine's Day [1.14]

Rochelle: Boys are becoming fathers even at age 12.
Narrator: And great-grandfathers at 43.
Chris: [reading from a card] Roses are red, violets are blue, please go back to Africa and take your mother with you. Happy Valentine's Day.
Narrator: Another card like this and I might just go to Africa.
Adult Tonya: Daddy, this is Ronald, my fiancé.
Ronald: Nice to meet you, sir. [Julius shoots him]
Adult Tonya: Momma, Daddy shot my fiancé again!
Narrator: Hey, say what you want, but that's effective birth control.
Julius: Rochelle, did you watch the news? Girls are having babies at 10.
Narrator: And grandbabies at 20.
Narrator: Valentine's Day makes most people think of flowers and candy, but it reminded me of the gangland massacre in Chicago.
Caruso: Roses are red, violets are blue, you stink like a monkey and look like one, too.
Narrator: So much for "love is in the air".

[edit] Everybody Hates the Lottery [1.15]

Tonya: Momma, can we have our candy back?
Rochelle: No. I ate it. Don't need you all getting any more cavities which you all got. No cavities in this house.
Narrator: But at this rate, there'll be plenty of diabetes.
Narrator: In Bed-Stuy, a lot of people have reputations for different things. Deidre Garfield was 23 and had a reputation for being the youngest grandmother in Brooklyn. Mr. Jackson had a reputation for being crazy as hell, but a lot of people say he invented homelessness. I had a reputation, too: not only for being a nerd or getting beat up every day, I was also known for being the best Asteroids player in Bed-Stuy.

[edit] Everybody Hates the Gout [1.16]

Rochelle: Don't come home stupid.
Chris, Drew and Tonya: We won't!
Narrator: Next to dealin' drugs, gettin' bad grades was the worst thing you could do. It was worse than this.
[Cutaway]
Rochelle: Tonya, what happened?
Adult Tonya: Momma, I had to smoke that fool.
Rochelle: No, not him! I'm talkin' about this D you got in algebra!
Narrator: And worse than this...
[Cutaway]
Rochelle: Drew! Where is that boy?! What the hell is wrong with you?
Teenage Drew: [dressing a cowboy outfit] I'm followin' my dream, momma. I'm gonna be a country and western singer.
Rochelle: I'm not talkin' about that! I'm talkin' about this F! Now get your Johnny Cashless ass upstairs and study! Do you think I'm playin' with you? And where you get that guitar from? You better not be sellin' no damn drugs in my house!
Julius: My foot's lookin' better, don't you think?
Rochelle: Why are you talking about your foot? Your son has no conscience. In there eatin' pancakes like he actually got an A.
Julius: If you didn't want him to have pancakes, what you give 'em to him for?
Rochelle: For him to feel guilty and confess. But that's OK. Tomorrow I got something for him.
Julius: Baby, let's talk about this. C'mon.
Rochelle: Oh, so now you wanna talk to me? Why don't you just talk to your friends since you talk to them all the time?
Julius: Rochelle, those are your friends! We were just talkin' about the soaps! Are you jealous?
Rochelle: Hell yeah! Damn skippy! How would you feel if you came home and I was sittin' there talkin' to a bunch of your friends about football?
Julius: You like football?
Rochelle: No, I don't like football! Julius, you always wanna talk to me about bills or the kids. I just think it would be nice to talk about something else, for a change.
Julius: You wanna talk about the gout?
Rochelle: NO! I don't wanna talk about the gout!
Greg: You're definitely not in there.
Tonya: Bye, Chris. Don't tell any lies when you get to heaven.
Caruso: Rest in peace, Toby.
Drew: Hey, Chris, can I borrow your comic books?
Julius: That's a $2 pair underwear you're messin' in.
Announcer: [cut to Rochelle] Will Rochelle find out about Chris' actual grade? [cut to Chris] How long will Chris be able to keep up this lie? [cut to Julius] Will Julius ever get rid of the gout? [cut to Tonya] Will Tonya ask Chris more math questions? [cut to Drew] Will Drew get any lines? Find out this and more when "Everybody Hates Chris" returns.
Narrator: I know you're probably wondering: "What is the gout?".
Doctor: Well, gout, or "the gout", as some people like to call it, is a form of arthritis which causes severe swelling, usually in the ankle or the big toe. It's caused by a poor diet, including things like smothered porkchops...
Julius: Needs some salt.
Doctor: Smothered chicken-fried bacon...
Julius: Needs some salt.
Doctor: And smothered chicken-fried bananas.
Julius: [tries a banana] Not bad. Needs salt.
Doctor: Are you out your damn mind?

[edit] Everybody Hates Funerals [1.17]

Gene: Knock-knock.
Chris: Who's there?
Gene: Pass me them porkchops.
Drew: Pass me them porkchops who?
Gene: No! Pass me them porkchops right there!
Gene: Knock-knock.
Chris: Who's there?
Gene: [feeling pain] Oh, Lorrrrrdy.
Chris: Oh, Lorrrrrdy who? [everyone laughs]
Gene: I'm dyin'...
Rochelle: I'm dyin' who?
Gene: I'm... havin'... a... heart... [dies]
Tonya: You're havin' a heart who?
Rochelle: Daddy? [silence] Daddy? [suspicious] Daddy?
Narrator: I never did find out who was there.
Maxine: Rochelle, can't you make a decent glass of iced tea?
Chris: Well, can't you leave her alone? It's iced tea! If you're thirsty, well then, you drink it! If you're not, don't!
Narrator: I would be joining my grandfather sooner than I expected.
Maxine: Are you gonna sit there and let that boy talk to me like that? [to Chris] Boy, don't you know I'll knock you into another family?
[Chris is sitting on a sofa with a white family]
White mom: Who are you?
Chris: You don't wanna know.
Narrator: My Uncle Michael was almost 40 and never had a job. He put the "um" in "bum".
Narrator: That's my Aunt Charlotte, but we called her Grievey because we only saw her at funerals. No birthdays, no weddings... just funerals.
Gene: And he didn't think I was playin' when I smacked him in the head with a brick. [everyone laughs] And to this day, when I go in there, my foods is free!
Rochelle: Chris! My father died, for goodness' sake, and now you tryin' to kill me too!
Narrator: I hadn't seen my mom so happy since Lionel Richie went solo.

[edit] Everybody Hates Corleone [1.18]

Science teacher: Another 30 seconds in there and we would've been blacker than you!
Rochelle: Oh, my God! Julius, what are you... sellin' a fish or sleepin' with a mermaid?
Rochelle: You smell like curried tube socks!
Julius: What if Jackie Robinson quit? What if George Washington Carver quit? What if Martin Luther King, Jr. quit?
Narrator: When my father had a point to make, he always started off strong, but he never ended that way.
Julius: What if Colonel Sanders quit? What if Apollo Creed quit? What if Katherine Jackson quit makin' kids?
Narrator: Ain't she a woman?
Julius: They might be The Jackson Three! What if Kool from Kool and the Gang quit? You think they would've gotten a record contract if they were just called "The Gang"?
Narrator: To this day, I can't tell you what my father said, but that smell stayed with me forever.
Julius: Let me in.
Rochelle: No. You smell.
Julius: That is the smell of a working man.
Rochelle: No, that is the smell of Aquaman.
Julius: Rochelle, open the door.
Rochelle: Look, baby, I understand that this job brings you more free time and more money, but I can't take it anymore! The kids can't breathe! I cannot sleep at night! Do you not know that I'm at that Laundromat every day? I've been burnin' so much incense, ten people came by here tryin' to buy reggae albums!
Narrator: [in a Jamaican accent] Hey, 'mon!
Julius: What you want me to do?
Rochelle: Quit!
Julius: I can't just quit! What kind of example would that be for the kids? Huh? Did Thurgood Marshall quit? Did Frederick Douglass quit? Did Booker T. Washington quit?
Rochelle: I don't know and I don't care. All I know is I want you to quit!
Julius: What about takin' the kids to Great Escape? Huh?
Drew: We don't wanna go nowhere with you.
Tonya: Yeah, Daddy! You stink!
[Rochelle hands Julius a bag of clean clothes]
Julius: What's this?
Rochelle: Clean clothes.
Julius: Where am I supposed to change?
Rochelle: I don't know. Why don't you ask them cats?
[Julius looks down, where a lot of cats are licking his feet]
Caruso: Silly Negro.
Narrator: You know what? I think it's time for this silly Negro to get out of this school.
Narrator: That day I realized that no matter what school I went to, things were gonna be rough. But, as long as I had Greg, things were gonna be all right.
Narrator: It's been a year since my mom sent me to Corleone Junior High for a better education.
White kid: Jerk!
Narrator: Oh, I was gettin' a better education, all right: an education in misery! I was tired of my classes.
[Cutaway]
Ms. Morello: Inga-binga-binga-bunga. Chris, what tribe are you from?
Chris: I don't know.
Narrator: I still struggled to get sleep.
[Cutaway]
Chris: Goodnight, momma.
Rochelle: Goodnight, baby. [switches the light off and back on again] Chris! Get your butt up! It's time to go to school!
Chris: Rrrghhh!
Narrator: And worst of all, everybody hated me. The kids hated me. The teachers hated me. Even the lunch ladies hated me. [Chris gets chased by white kids, teachers and lunch ladies] But, the only good thing that happened to me at Corleone was meetin' Greg.
Rochelle: You remember that girl who got stabbed last year at Marla Gibbs High School. Chris, Sanford has nothing but juvenile delinquents and future convicts.
Rochelle: [to Julius] We'll look for other schools... and we'll look for other soap. You stink!
Narrator: From there, we tried performin' arts school.
Chris: [singing] Fame, I'm gonna live forever! I'm gonna learn how to fly!
Performing arts teacher: Next!
Narrator: We looked into Hebrew school.
Chris: [singing] Hava nagila, hava nagila, hava...
Jewish teacher: Next!
Narrator: We even tried old school.
Chris: [singing] I said a hip, hop, the hippie, the hippie, to the hip, hip, hop, and you don't stop the rock it to the bang, bang, boogie, say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat!
Old school teacher: Next!
Narrator: Back at Corleone, like Kunta Kinte, I was waiting for my freedom papers.

[edit] Everybody Hates Drew [1.19]

Narrator: "Mmm" meant she was gonna blame me for the rest of her life.
[Cutaway]
Old Rochelle: Asleep again, huh? That's how Chris broke Drew's hand.
Old Julius: Rochelle, that was 45 years ago.
Old Rochelle: Mm-hmm.
Narrator: For free my father would let me learn almost anything.
Julius: What are you doing?
Chris: Taking "How to Knock Off a Liquor Store" lessons.
Julius: How much does it cost?
Chris: It's free.
Julius: Go ahead.
Chris: So... are we going to be learning how to break boards?
Mr. Jackson: You got somethin' against boards? Huh? What has a board ever done to you? Has a board ever embarrassed you in front of your woman? Has it lied for your phone number and dared you to do something about it? And did you just stand and watch her get into the board's car and drive home?
Chris: Uh, no.
Mr. Jackson: That's why we ain't learning how to break no damn boards.

[edit] Everybody Hates Playboy [1.20]

Narrator: My father knew that if my mother ever found that Playboy, he'd probably never see a naked woman again.
Narrator: I wanted to lie, but my mother always told me if I did, she'd slap me into another nationality!
Narrator: When I was a teenager, I discovered a lot of new things. I discovered sour milk doesn't always become yogurt.
[Chris pours some milk into his cereal, which comes out looking like yogurt; he tastes it, then spits it out]
Narrator: I discovered the barber who's always available isn't always the best.
[a guy sees blood on his hand and runs out of the barbershop screaming]
Barber: Next!
Narrator: I also discovered that if you hit people with a truck, they'll do anything you want.
[a clip from "The A-Team" is shown on TV]
Narrator: My father could asked my mother if anybody had been in the toolbox, but he knew questions made my mother suspicious.
[Cutaway]
Tonya: Momma, can I go play over at Trisha's house?
Rochelle: What you need to go over her house for? What you gonna do over there you can't do here, and why you actin' all suspicious?
[Cutaway]
Drew: Hey Mom, what time is it?
Rochelle: What you need to know the time for? What are you gonna do, go rob a bank? You're actin' suspicious.
[Cutaway]
Chris: Ma, can I have some more potatoes?
Rochelle: What you need more potatoes for? Boy, you gettin' high? You startin' to act suspicious.
Narrator: My last option was to go to Risky. Since all his stuff was stolen, I knew he wouldn't call a cop. He'd get you liquor.
Boy: It's for my uncle.
Risky: Here. Don't drink it all at once.
Narrator: He'd get you cigarettes.
Girl: It's for my mother.
Risky: Here. Don't smoke 'em all at once.
Narrator: He could even get you plutonium.
Man: It's for my daughter.
Risky: Do not use this all at once.
Narrator: Who knew you could make money off of naked women?
[Chris tries to buy Playboy and gum]
Narrator: The vice principal had my magazine, but I had money, so I figured replacing it wouldn't be a problem.
Store clerk: $3.50.
[Chris pays, and the store clerk takes away the Playboy]
Store clerk: Now get out of here before I call a cop.
Chris: For what?! You just robbed me, this one cost me 50 cents.
Store clerk: Really? Then why don't we call your mom and tell her how you're trying to buy a Playboy?
Narrator: Hey, this [Miss] June was fine, but she wasn't worth goin' to jail.

[edit] Everybody Hates Jail [1.21]

Narrator: My father has gotten tickets from Risky before: for the Ali-Frazier fight at Madison Square Garden.
Rochelle: Oh!
Julius: What happened? Who's down? What happened?
Rochelle: Man!
Narrator: He got 'em tickets to see Patti LaBelle at Lincoln Center.
Julius: What's she wearin'? Has she thrown her shoe yet?
Rochelle: I got Patti's shoe! I got Patti's shoe! Smell it! Smell it! Yeah Patti, I love you girl! Whoo!
Greg: Never heard of Thomas "Tip" O'Neill?
Narrator: Not unless he's related to Shaquille!
White Cop: You the kid sellin' the cookies?
Chris: Right off the truck. How many do you want?
White Cop: None. You're under arrest.
Narrator: I know I look cool on the outside, but on the inside I was doing this.
Chris: (crying) I WON'T DO IT ANYMORE, I PROMISE! I'M NOT A THIEF!! I WANT MY MOMMA!!
Narrator: It wasn't the first time our parents couldn't go somewhere because one of us got sick.
Julius: I got a coupon for a free dinner!
Rochelle: Oh, I'll go get dressed.
Tonya: Momma, I have rabies!
Rochelle: DAMN!
Julius: I got Michael Jackson tickets!
Rochelle: Oh, I'll call the sitter.
Drew: Momma, my eye fell out!
Rochelle: DAMN!
Julius: We just won a trip to Miami!
Rochelle: Ooh! I'm gonna go get packed!
Chris: Ma, I think I broke my neck.
Rochelle: Damn.
Chris: Would you like to buy some cookies?
Diabetic Black Husband: I'll take four.
Black Wife: What are you doin'? He has diabetes. You tryin' to kill him?!
Ms. Morello: Chris, if your people can't afford to pay cash, I'll see if we'll accept food stamps.
Narrator: She acts like it's caviar? It's just cookies! Damn!
Narrator: Growing up in Brooklyn, I always thought that travelling to faraway places was something that only rich people did. At 13, I'd never been out of New York, but all that was about to change.
Caruso: Prepare to sit in the back, Birmingham.
Narrator: I'd like to sit you under a bus.

[edit] Everybody Hates Father's Day [1.22]

Narrator: When it comes to Father's Day, nobody gave a damn.
Restaurant Manager: It's Father's Day, people! Come on down to Pastures and Shores! The food is half-price! [a family approaches] ¡Buenas noches! ¿Cómo se dice half-off?
Narrator: The movies are terrible..
Black Man: [as everyone is running out of the theater] Aaah! Turn it off! Turn it off!
Narrator: The gifts suck...
White Wife: Ta-daa!
White Husband: What the hell is this?
White Wife: It's a parking space, honey. We got you a parking space!
Narrator: Better park and be happy. And the only song for fathers was this.
[The Temptations sing Papa Was a Rollin' Stone]
Narrator: [about Julius] I hope he doesn't leave us for a white girl.
Narrator: I tried to imagine doin' the things that Greg talked about with my father, like bringin' him Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.
Julius: Are you crazy? Well you better get me some bacon!
Narrator: I thought about takin' my dad to the zoo to see some penguins.
Julius: We're payin' $3.50 to see a bird that can't fly? What you gonna show me next, rats that don't eat cheese?

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Everybody Hates Rejection [2.1]

Louise: Stay away from my granddaughter, you cockeyed hooligan!
Narrator: Turns out older women didn't like me, either.
Drew: So, do you miss Keisha?
Narrator: You mean, do I miss being rejected, ignored and humiliated?
Chris: Yeah, sort of.
Narrator: After getting put down by Keisha and stood up by Yvette, I was through having crushes on girls in the neighborhood, and I meant it.

[edit] Everybody Hates the Class President [2.2]

Narrator: My father hated seeming weak. He wouldn't admit to have a headache if he had a hatchet in his head.
Rochelle: Julius, you are not fine, OK? You're sick.
Julius: I'm fine.
Rochelle: No you're not. You're sick.
Julius: I'm good.
Rochelle: No you're not.
Julius: I'm OK.
Rochelle: No, you're trying to die.
Julius: I'm good, OK? Everything, good.
Rochelle: OK, Mr. "I'm Good."

[edit] Everybody Hates Elections [2.3]

Julius: [to Rochelle] You lost $10? That's $10 worth of dollars!
Narrator: Didn't Ghostbusters already catch the Holy Ghost?
Caruso: Upside the head! [smacks Chris in the head]
Narrator: The next politician to use that phrase was Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

[edit] Everybody Hates a Liar [2.4]

Louise: You keep your nasty little nappy-headed son away from my granddaughter. That's how I'm doing.
Narrator: That look means all seven of the words you can't say on television.
Narrator: [about Tasha] She was screaming like the mouse had a gun.
Narrator: Tasha Clarkson was the new girl next door. Unlike just about every other girl in the neighborhood, she didn't hate me.

[edit] Everybody Hates Malvo [2.5]

Narrator: Malvo was the neighborhood's repeat offender. He always committed crimes. He always got caught. And he always got out. When "Shawshank Redemption" came out, Malvo thought it was a comedy.
Narrator: The only time my dad ever brought something new home was when it was old to everybody else.
Rochelle: I asked for a sewing machine. What the hell is this?
Julius: A loom.
Rochelle: What is that?
Julius: A stove.
Rochelle: If that's the stove, where's the witch? I asked for a car. What the hell is this?
Julius: A rickshaw. That's Rick.
Malvo: Chris, when I get out, I'm comin' after you. Y-O-O.
Doc: They... they let you out?
Malvo: Yeah. I got time off for good behavior.
Narrator: That's like letting the Devil outta hell.
Caruso: Hey Bosco, I heard you got a Betamax.
Chris: Yeah? So?
Caruso: I got a movie for you: a comedy. [shows Chris a video tape with the Ku Klux Klan on the cover]

[edit] Everybody Hates the Buddy System [2.6]

Principal Edwards: Now remember, the only way you're going to get along with Caruso is to understand why he hates you. He needs your help.
Chris: But if I'm helping him, who's gonna help me?
Principal Edwards: You're helping yourself.
Narrator: Spoken like a true white man.
Principal Edwards: You were fighting. Why?
Chris: 'Cause he hates black people, and I'm a black person!
Caruso: That's a lie! I love Michael Jordan. I think Gary Coleman is hysterical. And don't even get me started about Billy Ocean.
Principal Edwards: "Caribbean Queen." That's a very good song.
Caruso: See?
Chris: Just because you watch Soul Train don't make you Don Cornelius!
Narrator: The next year Drew got a Yankees jersey that said "Mezzie Mackson."
Narrator: My father could've spanked Tonya or grounded her until she was grown, but he said something that made her feel worse than all of that.
Julius: I'm really disappointed in you.
[Tonya is dressed as a geisha]
Tonya: Father, I have brought disgrace to myself and to our family. [gets out a belt]
Julius: Tonya, no!
Tonya: Leave me now, Father. I must whup myself until you can find it in your heart to forgive me. [whips herself repeatedly]
Narrator: As class president, I thought things would change for me, but I couldn't have been more wrong.
Rochelle: Here's how this works, Tonya. You could keep lyin' or you could tell me you took my earrings. You decide.
Tonya: You promise you won't yell?
Rochelle: I won't yell.
Tonya: I took your earrings, and I lost one.
Rochelle: DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO TOUCH MY EARRINGS?!
Tonya: You promised you wouldn't yell!
Narrator: I've been fallin' for that one for years.
Rochelle: Do you know how valuable those earrings were, Tonya? Huh?
Julius: You're supposed to get a hundred. You don't get a prize for doing well.
Narrator: My father never rewarded good behavior.
Chris: Dad, I cleaned the tub.
Julius: You're supposed to clean the tub. It's your dirt ring.
Tonya: Hey Dad, I fixed the heater.
Julius: You're supposed to fix the heater. You're the one who likes it warm.
Drew: Hey Dad, I slaughtered a pig.
Julius: You're supposed to slaughter a pig. You're the one who likes bacon.
Narrator: To get back to Brooklyn, it felt like we went around the entire city. We went through Chinatown, the meatpacking district... we even went through theatre district. The only place we didn't go through was our school district.
Narrator: Listening to Patti LaBelle could make my mother feel good, no matter what.
[Rochelle is in Mexico being blindfolded]
Rochelle: Come on, Pepito! I told you, man, I didn't do it!
Mexican Man: ¿Cuál es tu última voluntad?
Rochelle: Can you play "New Attitude?"

[edit] Everybody Hates Promises [2.7]

Narrator: My father and Michael didn't get along because whatever my father said, my uncle said the opposite.
[Julius and Michael are at a car shop]
Julius: I like the Ford.
Michael: I like the Chevy.
[Julius and Michael are at an art museum]
Julius: I wanna look at Picasso.
Michael: I wanna look at Matisse.
[Julius and Michael are having beer]
Julius: Hmm, tastes great!
Michael: Less filling.
Narrator: After talking to Greg, I imagined what my father would say to me.
Julius: So you just gonna quit, huh? All these people who made it possible for you to become the first black class president, and now you just gonna quit?
Tuskegee Airman: Yeah. And what if we quit? Black people would never have become pilots.
Aunt Jemima: If I had quit, pancakes would taste like crap.
Cream of Wheat Man: If I had quit, Cream of Wheat would've been called "Cream of White!"
Uncle Ben: If I had quit, it would take hours to cook rice.
Narrator: Back at school, it was Crouching Tiger, Hidden Truth.
Narrator: Back at school, I stopped making promises and started making demands.
Chris: I'd like all book reports to be on books that were made into movies.
Ms. Morello: Are you high? I'm asking, not judging.
Chris: No, I'm just trying to fulfill my campaign promises.
Mrs. Milone: Just for curiosity's sake, what else did you promise?
Chris: A TV in the library, more field trips, instituting recess, and no more detention.
Ms. Morello: Chris, how are you going to know how to act when you get stopped by the police if we don't give you detention?
Narrator: To win my office, I told them everything they wanted to hear. There was only one problem: they listened.
Boy #1: You promised to take us to a Knicks game!
Boy #2: You promised I'd get a new locker!
Janitor: You promised I'd get a raise!
Lunch Lady with Mustache: You promise I get a shave!
Boy #3: You promised we'd get some real meat!
Chris: Can I at least get French fries at lunch?
Ms. Morello: I always thought you'd be more the sweet potato type.

[edit] Everybody Hates Thanksgiving [2.8]

Julius: Did Martin Luther King, Jr. take a break? Did Moses take a break? Did Gandhi take a break?
Narrator: He took a break from eatin'!
Narrator: My mac 'n cheese looked so good, Gandhi would've snuck himself a plate.
Chris: [speaking in front of the class] To me, Thanksgiving means family and togetherness. Thanksgiving came about when the pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock. The Indians greeted them, provided them shelter, taught them how to grow corn and how to prepare for the winter, and went on to cook one of the greatest meals the pilgrims ever ate. And in their appreciation for showing them how to prosper and survive in this brave new world, the pilgrims killed the Indians and created a holiday in their honor. So, on this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for my family, my friends, but most importantly, I'm thankful that I'm not a Native American.
Kill Moves: Is that burnt mac and cheese?
Julius: Yeah. Why?
Kill Moves: It's just the way I like it!
Narrator: He wants that blackaroni, 'cause he's on that crackaroni.

[edit] Everybody Hates Superstition [2.9]

Narrator: Even before video, Drew learned the secret to being a good singer was to not sing at all.
Narrator: Drew wouldn't walk under a ladder, no matter what.
Old Woman: Sonny, help me! I've fallen and I can't get up!
Drew: If you want me to help you, you gotta crawl from underneath this ladder first.
Chris: [speaking in front of the class] Was it lucky when King Kong defeated those planes? No, 'cause he didn't defeat the planes. They shot his behind clear off the Empire State Building. Now, if King Kong had spent some time learning how to fight some planes instead of chasing that little white girl around, he would still be alive to this very day.

[edit] Everybody Hates Kris [2.10]

[Julius is working as a mall Santa]
Julius: So, what can Santa give you for Christmas?
Little Girl: A Malibu Barbie with the pink remote-controlled Corvette, the Barbie townhouse and the Barbie swimming pool.
Julius: Ooh. Do you know how much all that stuff costs?
Little Girl: No.
Julius: Well, Santa's gonna tell you. It costs $137.16. Do you have that kind of money?
Little Girl: No.
Julius: Well, neither does Santa.
[the little girl starts crying]
Narrator: Welcome to my world, kid.
[Mr. Omar is consoling a grieving widow]
Mr. Omar: I know you lost your man, Mrs. Roberts, but with a body like that, I know Santa's gonna bring you another.
Julius: You're firing me at Christmastime?
Narrator: That's the only time you can fire Santa.
Narrator: Black Santa Claus caused more tears than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
Narrator: Doc took the expression, "a token of my appreciation," literally.
Narrator: I don't know if he's more concerned because I lost consciousness, or because I lost a half-day's pay.
Tonya: Chris gets sick and now we can't get anything for Christmas.
Drew: Man, we were good for nothin'.
Rochelle: No, you were good because you were supposed to be good. I mean, what if there were no Christmas? Would you be runnin' around here startin' forest fires?
Julius' Boss: Julius, we've got a problem.
Narrator: You mean besides the fact that you've got a black Santa workin' at a white department store called Goldstein's?
Julius: What's wrong?
Julius' Boss: You're not presenting the image of Christmas that we want to promote, here at Goldstein's.
Julius: Image? What kinda image?
Julius' Boss: You're Santa Claus. You're not supposed to make the children cry.
Julius: But they need to learn the truth about life!
Julius: [to an Asian girl who wants an Easy-Bake Oven] Does that come with an easy-to-pay gas bill?

[edit] Everybody Hates Eggs [2.11]

Greg: Am I going to have to call Child Protective Services on you?
Narrator: At least I didn't dangle my egg over a balcony like Michael Jackson!
Narrator: Growing up in Bed-Stuy, the worst thing my mother always said was that we'd better not bring home any babies. In fact, my mother was so paranoid, she didn't like anything in the house that even reminded her of a baby.
Rochelle: Boy, is that a baby?
Drew: No, that's a football.
Rochelle: Is that a baby?
Tonya: No, it's a shoebox.
Rochelle: Is that a baby?
Chris: No, it's baby carrots!
Narrator: I was so scared of bringing home babies, to this day, my mother hasn't seen my kids.
Jennifer: You're overbearing and clingy, and if you keep it up, you're gonna be a single father, too!
Narrator: 20 years later, that's what Greg's mail-order bride said.
Narrator: It seemed like everyone had advice for raising a baby.
Kill Moves: You need to teach this boy how to protect himself. Now, I suggest the Brazilian two-finger neck snap! Want me to show you how it works?
Mr. Omar: Teach the baby to honor the mother and the father, and if the father should meet a tragic death, the baby shouldn't be upset if the mother makes friends with a nice man.
Woman: [off-screen] Omar, I need more bubbles!
Mr. Omar: Gotta go.
Risky: Teach this baby the difference between the knock-offs and the real thing. For instance, "Gucci" does not have an "H" in it.
Drew: I was watching that!
Julius: I've seen it. Rosebud's his sled.
Jerome: [about Chris' egg] I'm only good at acting like it's not my baby.
Narrator: That year he won the Oscar for Best Non-Supporting Father.
[Ms. Morello gives Chris a brown egg to care for]
Ms. Morello: They're all the same on the inside.
Narrator: Except my egg's gonna get pulled over by the police more.

[edit] Everybody Hates Hall Monitors [2.12]

Narrator: My father was evacuating to avoid Hurricane Rochelle.
Narrator: The only thing I could do: Join the few, the proud, the hall monitors.
Narrator: Later, I was thinking about Greg, and I wondered how my heroes would handle bein' a hall monitor. I thought about how Mr. T would handle it.
Chris: [as Mr. T] I pity the fool who ain't got no hall pass.
Narrator: I thought about how Dirty Harry would handle it.
Chris: [as Dirty Harry] Well, I know what you're thinking. Was that the first bell or the second bell? Well, you have to ask yourself one question: Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?
Narrator: I even thought about how the Terminator would handle it.
Chris: [as the Terminator] No citation? I'll be black.
Ms. Morello: To the rest of the students, well, they hate you.
Chris: They've always hated me.
Ms. Morello: True, but they used to hate you because you were black. Now they hate you because you're acting like a jerk.
Narrator: And because I'm black.
Narrator: When my mom worked, she had two jobs: her job and complaining about her job.
Narrator: Every time my mother got a new job, there was always someone she hated. At the hospital, it was Tammy.
[Rochelle comes home dressed as a nurse]
Rochelle: So Tammy says to set the defibrillator to 200. I know how to set the defibrillator. I'm gonna defibrillate her!
Narrator: At the fire station, it was Betty.
[Rochelle comes home dressed as a firefighter]
Rochelle: That damn Betty set the water pressure at a hundred pounds per square inch, when she know I told her to set it at 130 pounds per square inch! I shoulda turned the hose on her!
Narrator: And at NASA, it was Belinda.
[Rochelle comes home dressed as an astronaut]
Rochelle: Can you believe that heifer? I told her to set the aft booster at 25,000 feet per second, and she looked at me like I'm crazy. Now, if we woulda got stuck in the ionosphere, she woulda been like, "Oh, well, what we gonna do now?" [to her family] More Tang?
Narrator: And at the office, it was Charmaine.
Rochelle: And then when I got back from lunch, she done move my stapler. Talking about, "That's not where it goes." I told her I put it there, so that's where it goes.
Narrator: [My dad] didn't hear a word she said.

[edit] Everybody Hates Snow Day [2.13]

Narrator: My dad was willing to brave the elements to save his son, but to save money, he'd bought the cheapest tires known to man. He was the only black out in a whiteout.
Chris: Momma, do I have to go to school? I mean, it's snowin' like crazy.
Rochelle: It's snow, Chris, not Armageddon. Now hurry up. You know the buses are gonna be runnin' slow.
Narrator: After spending a whole day with Principal Edwards, I no longer felt like an outsider. I had a new friend.
Principal Edwards: [puts a tardy slip on Chris] You're late.
Chris: What? A tardy slip? But what about yesterday?
Principal Edwards: That was in the past. We're in the now, Chris, and now you're late.
Narrator: I haven't seen a sea of white like this since the Republican National Convention.
Principal Edwards: As long as you're you, there'll always be a Caruso.
Narrator: I thought about living in Japan.
Caruso: Arigato, Slappy.
Narrator: In London...
Caruso: Cheerio, Nipsy.
Narrator: Morocco...
Caruso: Asalamalakem, Flip.

[edit] Everybody Hates the Substitute [2.14]

Mr. Newton: It's algebra, the math of the unknown.
Chris: Then I must be doing great, 'cause I don't know it.
Narrator: Algebra wasn't the only thing I didn't know, and everything I didn't know, he was determined to teach me. He taught me language.
Mr. Newton: Veni, vidi, vici. I came, I saw, I conquered.
Chris: Eenie, meenie, miney, mo, catch a tiger by the toe.
Narrator: He taught me history.
Mr. Newton: The Vitruvian Man.
Chris: The Hangman. Pick a letter.
Narrator: He taught me science.
Mr. Newton: Your turn.
Chris: Got anything bigger?
Narrator: Please don't kill me in the name of science, ribbit!
Mr. Newton: Starting tomorrow, we're going to put some brains inside that head of yours.
Narrator: And I'm gonna put a brick upside that head of yours!
Narrator: Back at home, Drew was trying to watch hockey and wishing Tonya would just shut the puck up.
Narrator: With Ms. Morello gone, we had every kind of substitute imaginable. We had out-of-work actors.
Male Substitute Teacher #1: To be or not to be? That is the question.
Narrator: We had out-of-work dancers.
Female Substitute Teacher: Can one of you kids get that bucket of water and throw it on me?
Narrator: And sometimes we had out-of-work teachers.
Male Substitute Teacher #2: Enjoy this while you still can, 'cause believe me, it's all downhill from here.
Narrator: We'd had just about every type of sub we could think of, except one: a black sub.
Greg: [about Ms. Morello] She went on a trip to Africa to help fight off an outbreak of yellow fever.
Narrator: It was more like she went to Harlem to fight off an outbreak of jungle fever.
Chris: Are you serious?
Mr. Newton: As a catastrophic cardiac infarction.
Narrator: Quit showin' off, just say "heart attack!"
Caruso: [to Chris] Hey Ebony. [to Greg] Ivory.
Mr. Newton: Good morning. I'm Mr. Newton.
Caruso: More like Mr. Tibbs.
[Mr. Newton is dressed as a drill sergeant and squirting Chris, who's carrying a book in each hand, with a hose]
Mr. Newton: It's a B minus, all right?
Chris: No, sir!
Mr. Newton: Do you wanna learn?
Chris: Yes, sir!
Mr. Newton: Do you wanna quit?
Chris: No, sir!
Mr. Newton: Do you wanna go to another school?
Chris: No, sir!
Mr. Newton: Why?
Chris: 'Cause I have no other place to go!
Mr. Newton: Then you better answer my question: What's A squared plus B squared?
Chris: C squared!
Mr. Newton: I can't hear you!
Chris: C squared! It's C squared!
Mr. Newton: That's right! That's what I'm talkin' about!
Narrator: That was the worst wet T-shirt contest ever.
Narrator: Nothing made Drew unwind better than watching hockey, and nothing could wind him up faster than Tonya.
Narrator: Tonya got more people in trouble than a white girl at an NBA after-party.
Mr. Newton: [to Caruso] You don't see me making fun of you because you look like a Brooklyn Beach Barney Rubble.
Rochelle: I'm raisin' men in this house, and men do not hit women.
Narrator: That meant you couldn't hit a girl even if you were supposed to hit her.
[Drew is in a boxing match with a female boxer; he tries to punch her]
Rochelle: You better not hit that girl!
[the female boxer punches Drew, knocking him out]
Mr. Newton: This exam is critically important, so I advise all of you to study hard. Especially you, Chris.
Chris: Man, I can't believe this. The guy's gonna kill me. It's not like I didn't have it bad enough comin' to this school from the other side of town, havin' the kids kick the crap outta me, but now the teacher's gonna kick the crap outta me too.
Caruso: Quit complaining, Kareem. I love this guy. I didn't like him at first because of the whole black thing, but I'm doing better at math now. And the things he taught me about jazz, forget about it.
Mr. Newton: You! You did this to me!
Chris: I didn't know you were gonna get shot.
Mr. Newton: You sent me to this hellhole! This is your fault! Oh, you just gonna stand there?! I know where you live! I tried to teach you! I tried to help... get your hands off of... I know who your people is! Tried to help you!

[edit] Everybody Hates Cutting School [2.15]

Rochelle: You shouldn't be embarrassed that your boy only has a fifth-grade reading level. You should be embarrassed that he's 27! He should be reading "War and Peace," not "Horton Hears a Who!"
Narrator: Only problem with my mother helping at a book fair was she didn't read books and she wasn't fair.
Rochelle: [to a young girl reading "Hollywood Wives" by Jackie Collins] Girl, does your mother know you over here readin' grown-up books? [takes the book from the girl] Gimme that. [picks up a copy of "Flowers in the Attic" by V.C. Andrews] "Flowers in the Attic." Now that sounds nice. [gives the book to the girl] Read that. You done lost your Jackie Collins mind. And don't cut your eyes at me, either.
Rochelle: Who you gonna call?
Narrator: That was a bigger fire hazard than pyrotechnics at a Great White concert.
James: It was the beast of times. It was the roast of times.
Rochelle: I mean, my God, boy, did you eat a bowl of lead paint for breakfast? Go on and sit down and let one of these other illiterates take a crack at it.
Narrator: Because I was planning on cutting school, I was acting guiltier than Michael Richards at an NAACP convention.
Chris: Greg, we're going to the movies, not Gilligan's Island.
Narrator: If we did, Greg would've gotten with Mrs. Howell.
Narrator: My biggest worry at this time was that the cops would think I was chasin' Greg.
Narrator: While we were cutting class, Greg was sweatin' like Lil' Kim in Sunday school.
Ticket Seller: What are you doing here?
Greg: I'm an octoroon.
Narrator: In that case, only one-eighth of him should be off from school.
Rochelle: [to a bunch of girls who are wearing hoop earrings] What are y'all laughin' at with your hoop earrings on? Let's see if your mother's gigglin' when you bringin' home babies. Who's laughin' now, huh? It ain't funny no more, is it?
DMV Clerk: I guess you're just gonna have to wait. And don't bang on this door again.
Narrator: She's lucky he didn't bang on her head!
Julius: A new license costs $17.50, and I'm not givin' them people my money till I have to.
Narrator: My father waited until the last possible moment to pay for everything... and I mean everything.
White Meter Maid: Your meter's only got a minute left.
Julius: When that quarter runs out, I'll put in this one.
Rochelle: Baby, you almost outta gas.
Julius: When that gas runs out, I'll put in some new gas.
[Rochelle is giving birth]
White Doctor: Push! Push!
Rochelle: Julius, would you just pay the man, please?!
White Doctor: Push!
Julius: When the baby's all the way out, I'll give him all the money.
Rochelle: Boy, don't you know you are too big for a coloring book? White kids your age are buildin' sculptures by now and you over there tryin' to stay inside the lines. Come on, Picasso, get to chippin'. Come on, chip on. Chip, chip, chip. Chip, chip, chip.

[edit] Everybody Hates Chain Snatching [2.16]

Narrator: In 1985, crime was on the rise everywhere, and when I say everywhere, I mean everywhere.
Rochelle: You been hidin' a credit card, what else are you hidin'? Is Julius really your name? Oh, maybe you're the Green River Killer? Do you know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried? Who shot Kennedy? For all I know, you could be Batman!
Julius: I am not Batman.
[Julius is then seen dressed as Batman]
Julius: I'm Batman.
Narrator: I was so good at sneakin' around, I thought about joinin' the CIA. [Malvo appears] Or maybe the DOA.
Malvo: I got a question for you, boy. What is today?
Chris: Uh, Wednesday?
Malvo: Nah! Today is two days after the day before yesterday.
Narrator: Malvo was an idiot savant—98% idiot, 2% savant.
Narrator: If I could've, I would've taken the underground railroad.
Female Slave: Is you runnin' to the north?
Chris: No, I'm runnin' from Malvo.
Female Slave: Malvo? You'd have been better off a slave! Get on now, and remember, you ain't seen nothin'!
Julius: [about his credit card] Rochelle, I couldn't tell you about it.
Rochelle: Why not? Do you know how many times we could've used it?
Julius: That's why I couldn't tell you about it. I didn't want another bill, baby.
Rochelle: Oh. OK, Mr. "Responsibility," Mr. Fiscally Conservative, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. HIDE THINGS FROM HIS WIFE, answer this for me: Since you're so against credit cards, why do you have one?
Narrator: Everybody had a gold chain, and somebody was waiting to snatch it. Nobody was safe: not young people, not old people, not even dead people.
Narrator: For the first time in 15 years, my father got my mother to shut up.
Vanessa: Turns out he had a whole other family.
Narrator: That's all my mother needed to hear.
[Julius is at the dinner table with a Puerto Rican family and everyone is speaking Spanish]
Julius: Hey baby.
Puerto Rican Woman: Hey baby.
Puerto Rican Boy #1: Hello Father.
Puerto Rican Woman: How was work today?
Julius: Good.
Puerto Rican Boy #2: May I be excused?
Julius: No. You'd better eat that. That's 46 cents' worth of beans and rice.
Puerto Rican Woman: Don't worry baby, I'll put it on the credit card.
Julius: Oh. That's good, that's good.
Rochelle: Your credit card. Be a man about it, Julius! It's got your name on it! Oh, and you know what else it says, Julius? It says "card holder since 1970." That means that for 15 years, you've been hidin' this from me!
Malvo: You owe Malvo a gold chain.
Narrator: Good thing I didn't stop him from stealing a gold house.
Narrator: When surreptition didn't work, my mother tried confrontation.
Rochelle: [to Julius] Hello. You must think I'm stupid. Oh yeah, Rochelle... is just... an IDIOT!
Narrator: Black-on-black crime is nothing compared to Italian-on-Italian crime.

[edit] Everybody Hates DJs [2.17]

Woman #1: My boy is a football player. He just got a scholarship to Rutgers!
Woman #2: My daughter is a doctor. She just finished her first open-heart surgery.
Rochelle: And my son is a magician, and he just made Bed-Stuy disappear! [outside, a barren desert is shown]
Pam: You better tell him to bring it back, 'cause I'm closin' at 9.
Rochelle: I don't want you foolin' around with no black magic. You hear me? I don't wanna come home and see no pentagrams and dead goats and chickens and stuff like that. Only good, clean, white magic. You hear me?
Narrator: Why not compromise and do Puerto Rican magic?
[after Greg finds out about Chris' stage name]
Greg: Isn't Chrissy a girl's name?
Chris: It's a black thing.
Narrator: Just as everyone else was scared by "The Exorcist," my father was scared by another movie: Night of the Lepus.
Narrator: [about Jerome] He went on to join Public Enemy as one of the guys who looked tough, but was never allowed to rap.
White Cop: We have a warrant for the arrest of Hilton Reed, a.k.a. DJ Hilly Hill.
Narrator: The first rule of breakin' the law: If the cops are after you, don't stand under a sign with your name on it.

[edit] Everybody Hates Baseball [2.18]

Narrator: When I was 14, I never got a chance to hang out with my dad much because all he did was work and sleep.
Tonya: [after Rochelle gives her the wrong picture] Momma, this is not Billy Ocean. This is Billy Dee Williams.
Rochelle: What? Let's see that. [takes the picture and looks at it] Dammit, Risky!
Monk: Ask anybody. They'll tell you. You can always hang out with your daddy. Go to the movie.
Jerome: Go to the game, man. You know if my father wasn't in jail, that's what I'd do.
Mr. Omar: Yeah, go to the game, but whatever you do, don't sit behind home plate. My father was killed by a line drive to the medulla oblongata. Tragic!
Risky: Go to the game. My father never took me 'cause I was a test tube baby. Want some peanuts?
Kill Moves: Why don't you and the girl go see a movie about the game that your father's goin' to?
Narrator: My mother had lost more stuff in her purse than the Bermuda Triangle. She lost little things.
Rochelle: There's my lipstick.
Narrator: She lost big things.
Rochelle: There's that skillet.
Narrator: She lost great big things.
Rochelle: There's that gallon of milk.
Narrator: And things she didn't know how she lost.
Rochelle: There's my purse.
Narrator: They might have found Biggie's killer if they looked inside my mother's purse.
Monk: I couldn't imagine going to a baseball game with my father.
Chris: Why not?
Monk: Because they didn't have baseball games in the Quang Ngai Province.
Chris: Was your dad in Vietnam?
Narrator: Nope, Queens.
Monk: I don't know, he disappeared when I was two. I haven't seen him since.
Narrator: 20 years later, Monk found his father on MySpace. Profile name: Military Mike-tastic.
Narrator: Tonya loved Billy Ocean, so naturally, she joined the Billy Ocean fan club and sent off for an autographed picture. But it wasn't the first fan club she joined. There was the DeBarge fan club, the Shalamar fan club, even the Terence Trent D'Arby fan club. Too bad they were bought out by the Al B. Sure fan club.
Narrator: If Tasha were here to do her voice-over, she would admit that she's heartbroken.
Adult Tasha: [narrating] No, I wouldn't. I wasn't heartbroken, I don't even remember this happening.
Tasha: So I'll see you later?
Chris: Um, yeah. OK.
Narrator: While Tasha silently suffered in Brooklyn...
Adult Tasha: [narrating] I wasn't suffering then and I'm not suffering now— I don't care.
Vanessa: [about Michael] He wants to take me to dinner and everything.
Narrator: Everything means nothing but dinner.
Narrator: I thought about one girl so much when I was 16, I forgot I was 30.
Michael: Rochelle, what are you doin' out here, sneakin' up on people? You coulda caused me to have a heart attack!
Narrator: Michael shoulda died years ago, but his heart was way too lazy to attack him.

[edit] Everybody Hates Gambling [2.19]

Narrator: Win or lose, I bet I'm in trouble!
Vanessa: Did you hear about Doc?
Rochelle: No. What happened?
Vanessa: He won $300 on the basketball game last night.
Rochelle: Gambling? I hate gambling.
Narrator: My mother hated gambling because my grandfather loved it. He'd gamble on anything: fights...
[Gene is watching two kids playing Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots]
Gene: C'mon, Blue! Let's go! C'mon, Blue!
[the kid controlling the red robot wins]
Gene: Doggone it!
Narrator: He'd gamble on races.
[Gene is watching two kids race on tricycles; one of them wins]
Gene: Doggone it!
Narrator: He'd even bet on the weather.
Gene: I got $10 on sunny and 79!
[it is raining outside]
Gene: Doggone it!
Rochelle: You know what? I'm gonna change your name from Chrissy the Black to Chrissy the Black and Blue.
Narrator: Even people who told other people not to gamble, gambled.
Priest: Let me tell you this: Gambling is a sin! With a capital S!

[edit] Everybody Hates Dirty Jokes [2.20]

Narrator: I found out one thing in life: If you want people to laugh, tell 'em a joke. Now, if you really want 'em to laugh, tell 'em a dirty joke.
Narrator: While Drew was trying to make a clean break, I was getting down and dirty with my new jokes. I told the one about the guy who got bitten by the snake...
Chris: So the doctor said, "Make two cuts where your friend was bitten by the snake, and suck out the poison." So the guy gets back to his friend, and the friend said, "Well, what did the doctor say?" "You're gonna die."
Narrator: I told one about the two guys on the bridge...
Chris: And so then the white guy said, "Man, this water's cold." And the black guy said, "Yeah, and it's deep too."
Narrator: And I told the one about how to become an honorary Eskimo.
Chris: So he was bleeding, and his clothes were torn. So he walks in and says, "Now, where's the Eskimo woman I'm supposed to kill?"
Jerome: Little dude from across the street! Does your momma know you out here tellin' jokes like that?
Chris: No.
Narrator: Because if she did, she'd smack the smut outta me!
Maxine: I'm too old for a blind date!
Narrator: She wouldn't say that if it was Stevie Wonder.
Rochelle: Are you done?
Julius: Yeah. Why?
Rochelle: 'Cause as far as I'm concerned, this time is next time.
Narrator: Number 3!!!
Julius: [about the dinner Maxine served him] I can't eat this. My gout'll flare up.
Maxine: Oh, don't worry, that's oven-fried chicken.
Rochelle: You can't understand comedy like this.
Chris: I understood it.
Rochelle: You understood which one?
Chris: All of 'em.
Rochelle: The one about the lady with the funny lips?
Chris: Yeah.
Julius: The one about makin' sandwiches?
Chris: Yeah.
Rochelle: The one about the black sheep?
Chris: Yeah.
Julius: The one about the Fukawi Indian?
Chris: Yeah.
Julius: What are you doing up?
Rochelle: I can't sleep.
Narrator: Translation: He can't sleep.
Rochelle: A date? My mother is almost 60. How would she look out there tryin' to get a date?
Narrator: Like Bea Arthur on The Golden Girls.
Narrator: Ever since I was a kid, I always loved comedy. I loved cartoons, sitcoms and, most of all, stand-up comedians.
Doc: Some of this material is a little blue.
Chris: Blue?
Doc: Yeah, filthy, so if you hear something you ain't supposed to hear, turn it off.
Narrator: Don't be so strict, old man!
Narrator: Dirty jokes were one thing. Dirty words where a whole new ballgame.
George Carlin: [on record player] Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language and there are seven of them you can't say on television. They must really be bad...
Chris: "Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television?"
George Carlin: [on record player] You know the seven, don't you, that you can't say on television?
Narrator: Seven? I could only think of three. [two beeps] What? Whoo! [two beeps] Ouch! Uh-huh! [two beeps] Whoa! Hey, now! [beep] Ho, ho, ho, ho! My vocabulary just grew by four.
Greg: I hate cursing. My father used to call my mother number 4 all the time, then she'd call him number 5 and they'd go back and forth like that. 5, 4, 2, 1, 7, then they'd end up on number 3.
Narrator: Greg was an early adapter of "too much information."
Mrs. Milone: Young man, I want a word with you. In fact, I want seven words with you.
Narrator: Number 1 had hit the fan.
Chantal: How come you don't like me?
Drew: I don't know. I just don't.
Chantal: It's got to be something. Do you think I'm ugly?
Drew: No.
Chantal: Do you think I'm dumb?
Drew: No.
Chantal: Then what is it? Just tell me the truth.
Drew: You're too tall.
Narrator: Never stopped Danny DeVito.
Narrator: What I didn't know was that my parents loved comedians too.
Redd Foxx: [on record player] You knew it in your heart you haven't washed your hair. So one night, the time was right. He asked her. He said, "Honey, would you marry me?" She said "Wooden eye?"
Narrator: I can't say what he just said, but it was the first dirty joke I had ever heard.
Redd Foxx: [on record player] "Geez, baby, what time do you have to be home?"
Narrator: And it wasn't the last.
Redd Foxx: [on record player] She said, "Christmas..."
Narrator: A lot of kids would get in trouble sneakin' outta bed tryin' to listen to dirty jokes. I ended up gettin' a career.

[edit] Everybody Hates Math [2.21]

Maxine: Looks like somebody's gonna get some pizza.
Narrator: If all studying was rewarded with pizza, then Charles Barkley would have won a Nobel Prize.
Rochelle: If you could add and subtract, you could do this!
Narrator: My mom applied that kind of logic to a lot of situations.
[Chris and his family are in a bank vault dressed as bank robbers]
Rochelle: If you can crack an egg, you can crack a safe!
[Rochelle and Drew are in a hospital dressed as surgeons]
Rochelle: Boy, if you can lace up a sneaker, you could stitch up a chest! [to another surgeon] Suture.
[Rochelle and Tonya are on a plane dressed as skydivers]
Rochelle: If you can jump rope, you could jump from the plane! Go! Go!
[Tonya jumps off the plane without her parachute]
Rochelle: Baby, you forgot your parachute!
Chris: What difference does it make?
Rochelle: What difference does it make?
Narrator: Note to self: When dealing with the irrefutable science of numbers, don't ask, "What difference does it make?"
Narrator: Going behind my mother's back to get help from my grandmother made me feel guiltier than Janet Jackson at a half-time show.
Maxine: Teaching is a skill, no different than flying a plane.
Narrator: Except you don't fall 35,000 feet to your death.
Narrator: When I was in school, students usually got recognition for one of two things: being really good...
Mrs. Milone: This year's valedictorian is Stephanie Borelli.
Narrator: And being really bad.
Mrs. Milone: I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your son is an idiot.
Rochelle: Chris, what kinda answer is that?
Narrator: The kind you'd come up with was a crazy woman screamin' at you.
Ms. Morello: All I'm trying to say is, if you don't get algebra, we don't get pizza.
Narrator: And I'm gonna get sliced.
Narrator: When the going gets tough, the tough get going, so to Grandma's house I went.
Rochelle: Are you crazy? X does not equal Y! You carry the 2 over the N! I mean, how hard can it be?!
Caruso: Hey Major Harris, if you mess up our pizza day, I'm gonna smack the crust outta you.

[edit] Everybody Hates the Last Day [2.22]

Monk: Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Narrator: I thought that was meatloaf.
Narrator: Someday Al Gore is gonna trace global warming back to that sink.
Greg: It's like that movie, "The Birds!"
Narrator: Except with cats.
Mr. Omar: Drainada?
Julius: That's right. The Spanish Drano.
Narrator: Doesn't Drano already sound Spanish?
Narrator: In order to exact the perfect revenge, I decided I should consult some experts.
Jerome: If I was you, I'd move on to his block and take a dollar from him every day for the rest of his life. Lemme hold a dollar.
Vanessa: You could slash his tires, pour sugar in his gas tank, put bleach on his clothes, give his wife a bad perm.
Kill Moves: Revenge? Success, the best revenge.
Julius: [about Mr. Omar's drain] How long's it been like that?
Narrator: Ever since it got back from vacation in Haiti.
Julius: You ever heard of a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink?
Mr. Omar: No.
Julius: OK.
Narrator: It's just hittin' Mr. Omar that maybe he did know a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink.
Narrator: My father thought he could fix anything with Krazy Glue or duct tape.
Rochelle: What you doin'?
Julius: Fixin' the table. All done.
Rochelle: Julius! Did you fix that flat tire?
Julius: Good as new.
Rochelle: Did you fix that noise yet?
Julius: Quiet as a mouse.
[Chris, Drew and Tonya are seen with duct tape over their mouths]
Chris: How are you gonna follow someone with a fake mustache and a Hawaiian shirt and expect them not to notice you?
Greg: Works for Magnum P.I.
Chris: Number one, Tom Selleck is a 45-year-old man. Two, he wears Hawaiian shirts in Hawaii. There, they're just shirts. It's like Chinese food in China.
Greg: Nothing could be further from the truth. There's Mandarin, Cantonese, Szechuan, my favorite, Hunan, Shanghai...
Chris: [Caruso]'s a cat-lover?
Narrator: It was like finding out that Saddam Hussein collected Cabbage Patch Kids.
Mr. Omar: I don't think duct tape is gonna fix that, Mr. Julius. Why don't you just call a plumber?
Julius: For $25 an hour? I don't think so.

[edit] Season 3

[edit] Everybody Hates the Guidance Counselor [3.1]

Mr. Abbott: [to Chris] According to your test results, you put the "upid" in "stupid."
Mr. Abbott: Do you know how many broke people went to college?
Chris: Not really.
Narrator: Even while wearing a diaper, Greg could still run like the wind. The smelly wind.
Rochelle: I could've been a Poet Laureate.
Narrator: That don't rhyme!
Rochelle: Look, Chris, I don't know what you're gonna do with your life. You may go to college, you may not. But know whatever you do, you're gonna be good at it. 'Cause I'll have no grown man sleepin' at my house.
Greg: I settled on being an astronaut. I'm... I'm wearing a diaper.
Mr. Abbott: A diaper? You mean, you wanna fly a rocket, but you're still gonna pee in your pants?
Greg: Well, they don't make you do it, but I wanted to see if I could take it.
Mr. Abbott: Nobody could take it, Greg. Now, get the funk outta my office.
Narrator: My father loved thrift stores because you could trade in your old clothes for some new old clothes.
Julius: Look, I can't afford to buy all-new school clothes.
Rochelle: I guess that's one more thing you can't stand about your miserable life. My kids are not wearin' these, so you either get new clothes or new kids.
Narrator: He's tryin' to figure out which one is cheaper.
Mr. Abbott: [as Greg is about to go into his office wearing a dirty diaper] Nope, nope, nope. Get outta here, Funky Brewster.

[edit] Everybody Hates Caruso [3.2]

Narrator: [as Yao fights Caruso] As far as I was concerned, this was better than Enter the Dragon.
Narrator: Caruso looked about as happy as Bobby Brown at a health food store.
Narrator: Clark Kent's got nothing on [my dad].
Chris: Call me Stymie, Rochester, Tootsie Roll, Inkwell. Come on, man!
Caruso: What are you doing?
Narrator: Prompting an angry call from Bill Cosby.
Yao: I'm failing math. I've got work to do. I don't have time for this.
Chris: Wait, you're not good at math?
Yao: What? Just because I'm Asian, I have to be good at math? You're black, can you moonwalk?
Chris: I didn't mean it like that. And no, I can't moonwalk.
Yao: So, I can't use chopsticks.
Chris: I don't like watermelon.
Yao: I can't make a swan out of paper.
Chris: I don't have sickle cell anemia.
Yao: I don't run a dry cleaners.
Narrator: I bet you like rice!
Yao: Either I pass my math class or it's your ass.
Narrator: I had brought two fighters of different ethnicities together for a fixed fight. I felt just like Don King.
Caruso: Hey, Fried Rice. What took you so long?
Yao: Why don't you ask your mother?
Narrator: Back on my dad's secret job, he didn't know it, but the shipment was about to hit the fan.

[edit] Everybody Hates Driving [3.3]

Narrator: My mom had her own style of driving: The Fast and the Furious: Bed-Stuy Drift.
Narrator: While my mother was out challenging the law, I was breaking it.
Narrator: I was supposed to park across the street, but now I'm on the highway to hell.
Greg: What are you doing?
Chris: Moving [my dad's car] to the other side of the street.
Narrator: Or to the other side of the borough.
White Girl: Hey Chris. Can I sit in your car?
Chris: Sure, why not?
Narrator: Because they're underage.
Greg: What's wrong?
Chris: Everything.
Narrator: I'm just glad we're in Brooklyn and not Alabama.
Narrator: If Greg was here, he'd say I was in there.
Narrator: When I got older, I was always asking my dad to let me drive.
Chris: Hey Dad, can I drive?
Narrator: And he always said the same thing.
Julius: Drive? Sure, you can drive... as soon as you turn 16, go to driver's ed., get a driver's license, graduate from high school, get a job, get out of my house, get a car, get insurance. Yeah, then you can drive anytime you want.
Narrator: He coulda just said no.
Julius: Don't go burnin' up gas.
Chris: I'm just moving the car across the street.
Julius: That's three cents' worth of gas.
Narrator: After all that had happened, I kept thinking about how my dad had t