Family Guy/Season 5

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Contents

[edit] Stewie Loves Lois

Diane Simmons: We now return you to Robin, Boy Wonder.

[Cutaway to a car on a cliff with 4 females screaming]

Robin: Hey, no worry. I'm here.
Female Passenger #1: Robin? They sent you?!
Robin: Yeah. Everyone else is busy, so uhhh, they sent me.
Female Passenger # 2: What the hell are you gonna do? You don't have any superpowers.
Robin: Uhh, I...got a cellphone. [looks at the cellphone] Oh, no barrrs...
Brian: [taunting] Stewie loves Lois.
Stewie: [taunting] Brian loves Olympia Dukakis.
Brian: Oh yeah, I do.

[edit] Mother Tucker

Peter: I can't believe you left Dad.
Thelma: I have needs that he didn't satisfy, and I'm still a young woman, Peter. 82 is the new 74. I'm putting my fine ass back on the market!
Peter: [as he watches Tom and Jake walk away] Huh, I guess I've learned a little something about what it means to be a good dad.
Chris: Hey, Dad, you wanna play baseball?
Peter: Oh, my God, could you leave me alone? You are the neediest kid!

[edit] Hell Comes to Quahog

Horace: Hey, Peter, Lois called to remind you to pick up Meg at the roller rink.
Joe: No!
Quagmire: Oh, we're just getting started!
Cleveland: Meg is my least favorite of all your children!
Peter: It's alright. We'll just move the party to the skating rink. Who's sober enough to drive? [nobody answers] Uh, okay, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk? You know, the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyway because, I mean, come on, you got to get your car home. Right? I mean, I mean, what do they expect me to do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well, screw that! You take a bus.
Cleveland: I'm that kind of drunk.
Peter: [throws Cleveland the car keys] Shotgun!
Peter: Hi, my daughter's looking for a car that goes with her personality.
Stewie: Yes, are the new bullimic cutting-mobiles in yet?

[edit] Saving Private Brian

[about Brian leaving the army]
Stewie: You can't leave, man, that's desertion. They'll come after you like Peter went after that hockey coach. [pause, but there's no cutaway] Oh, no clip? Oh, thought we had a clip. Nope? Okay. Uh-uh, you can't leave, Brian...
Brian: All right, it shouldn't be too hard to get us kicked out.
Stewie: Right. We've just got to convince them we're not army material. Ready?
Brian: All right, let's do it. [they start making out]
Stewie: Wow, look at how gay we are! I am so gay, with my gayness!
Brian: Me too! I'm... I'm a homo!
[Another soldier walks up to them as they continue making out]
Gay soldier: [effeminately] Any room for one more?
Stewie: Hell yeah! [Brian slaps him]

[edit] Whistle While Your Wife Works

[Peter lights a bunch of firecrackers and holds it in one hand, showing it to Quagmire]
Peter: Quagmire, check it out! I took ten M-80s and stuck 'em all together. I call it "Peter Griffin's Bunker-Bustin'-Mega-Ultra-Super..." [The firecrackers explode all at once in his hand, knocking him down to the ground.] AAAAAAAAHHHH!!! AAHHHHHH!!! [he holds up his fingerless hand to everyone.] HOLY CRAP!!!
[He, Lois, Quagmire, Chris, and Meg all scream in shock]
Lois: OH, MY GOD!! YA BLEW OFF ALL YOUR FINGERS!
[Joe enters]
Joe: What happened!? [sees Peter's hand; shocked] OH, MY GOD!!!
Stewie: [very calmly] You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sort of out of juice over here. [taps his empty cup] Bone dry.
Stewie: Now, why in the world would you be embarrassed about dating her?
Jillian: Oh, my God, Brian, I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler - [gasps] somebody should stop him!
Stewie: [to Brian] Are her parents brother and sister?

[edit] Prick Up Your Ears

Peter: [reading Meg's sex pamphlet] "If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension populated entirely by dogs who will eat it". Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything! From now on, I too will be "obstinent".
Meg: Abstinent.
Peter: Absent.
Meg: Abstinent.
Peter: You're grounded.*

*On the DVD and Cartoon Network version, Peter says that "...he'll be as untouched as the turn signal on an Asian woman's car," followed by a cutaway of an Asian woman causing a car accident.

[after sex]
Peter: Oh, that was fantastic. Hey, where'd you get that tattoo on your lower back?
Lois: I don't know, Peter. Meth is a hell of a drug.
Peter: What?

[edit] Chick Cancer

TV jingle: (sings) Tasty Juice, drink it then convert it to pee

Peter: Oh, Smilla, your sense of snow is equalled only by your sense of love!
Lois: Peter, have you been up all night watching chick movies?
Peter: Lois, before I found these movies, women only made me cry through my penis. Now they make me cry through my eyes.
Brian: So what happened?
Stewie: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Woman, Brian- what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like, why can't you just hang out with guys, you know? Just live with someone of your own sex, just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know wha- why don't guys just do that?
Brian: They do, it's called being gay.
Stewie: Oh, that's what gay is? Oh yeah, I could totally get into that.

[edit] Barely Legal

Tom: Now let's go to Ollie Williams' Cooking Corner. What are you making, Ollie?
Ollie: EGGO!
Tom: Thanks, Ollie.
Connie D'Amico: You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here, so you're gonna have to leave, but Brian can stay.
[She and another couple laugh]
Brian: [drunkenly] You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie D'Amico: Excuse me?
Meg: Brian, let's just go.
Brian: No, no, no, no, no, hang on. Hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving handjobs* when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19 you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that, am I in the ballpark?

*On the FOX airings, Brian's line is changed to "You're popular because you developed early and started putting out when you were 12"

[edit] Road to Rupert

Peter: How much for the gloves?
Brian: Peter, those are yours.
Peter: Ten bucks! Two! Seven! Four! Five-fifty! Ten! Sold! [slyly] Sucker. I would have gone to fifteen easy. I am so stupid.
Stewie: Why have you brought me to the toy store, Brian?
Brian: I'm buying you another Rupert. [grabs a toy gorilla] Hey, this one's cute, huh? [reads tag] And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild... and if we don't, they kill one. Wow, these guys are playing hardball.


[edit] Peter's Two Dads

Francis: You're a fat stinking drunk!
Lois: So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh? You excited about turningggggg... eh?
Peter: Uh, Meg, uh, I got sixteen candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?
Meg: That's not right.
Peter: So, less... more... too many... uh, not enough...?
Meg: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!
Lois: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it?
Meg: I'm gonna be seventeen, you jerks! [leaves]
[Peter sits on the couch, lighting a bong]
Brian: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: Crack.
Brian: What the f**k?!
Peter: Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.
Brian: Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack?
Peter: From Blacks.
Brian: What?
Peter: Yeah, right behind Black's Hardware store. There's a white guy selling it.
Peter: [high on crack] Gov'ment came and took my baby!

[edit] The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou

Peter: [to Kyle] You got LEGOs? Aw, sweet! Lois only buys me Mega Bloks.
Lois: They're the same thing, Peter.
Peter: You know what, Lois? They're not the same thing. And the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the sooner we can get this marriage back on track.
[Brian teaches Stewie ballroom dancing. Stewie is wearing a dress, lipstick, and earrings]
Stewie: [whispers] I love you.
Brian: What? What'd you say?
Stewie: Uh, olive juice.
Brian: Olive juice?
Stewie: [whispers] Olive juice, too.

[edit] Airport '07

[Peter has the couch out on the front lawn. Meg walks by]
Peter: Hey, Meg, come here. Have a seat. [she sits down next to him. Peter then does a fake yawn, stretches his arms out, and puts one around Meg]
Meg: Dad...what are you doing?
Peter: Meg, I'm a Redneck. Which means I am about to do something to you that you will not remember until you're 40.
Meg: [runs away] AAAAAAHHHHHH!!
Peter: Meg, come back here! I meant sex!
Announcer: We now return to Carl Sagan's "Cosmos", edited for Rednecks.
Carl Sagan: I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's four bi- [voiceover] HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF YEARS OLD. Scientists have determined that the universe was created by a s- [voiceover] GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! -ig bang. If you look at the bones of a [voiceover] JESUS-osaurus rex, it's clear by the use of carbon dating tha- [voiceover] MOUNTAIN DEW IS THE BEST SODA EVER MADE!

[edit] Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey

[Peter walks in on Bill and Lois in bed]

Peter: Hey, Bill, you up for a little bowling? I swiped some money out of Lois' purse. I don't think she'll notice 'cause she's here, humping you?!
Lois: [gasps] Peter! [starts putting on and buttoning her shirt] Look, I know this looks bad, and I feel horrible, and-and I know nothing I could say to you could possibly justify why I slept with Bill, except... [her voice gets increasingly more lustfull] I mean, Peter, the man presided over the longest economic expansion in U.S. History and... [inhales] he reduced the percentage of Americans on welfare to it's lowest level in 33 years!
Bill Clinton: 35 years.
Lois: 35 years, Peter!

"'bill to lois "you want some NAFTA?" "lois" what's that? "bill"nother afternoon fuckin that ass

[Brian and Stewie are at the toilet]
Brian: How do you think it works?
Stewie: I have no idea.
Brian: Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me.
Stewie: All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out.
Brian: What's that big back part?
Stewie: Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.
Brian: I wonder what this thing is for.
Stewie: Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does.
Brian: [sighs] All right, here goes.
Stewie: Oh, God. Oh, God. Careful. Careful. Careful. Careful.
[The toilet flushes, frightening Stewie and Brian, who ran out of the room]

[edit] No Meals on Wheels

Peter: Oh, look, it's one of those early Maude episodes with the really long opening credit sequence.
TV: Lady Godiva was a freedom rider
She didn't care if the whole world looked
Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her
She was a sister who really cooked
Madame Curie was a strong woman character
Workin' all day in a science lab, yeah
Clara Barton was a famous nurse
Who was rapping with the soldiers and bandages too
Susan B. Anthony, always out doin' stuff
Marchin' around and holdin' up signs...
Peter: "And then there's Maude".
TV: Pocahontas had it all goin' on...
Peter: What the hell?
TV: ...an Indian guide with lots of Indian pride
Indira Gandhi ran a whole big country
That isn't easy even if you're a guy...
Peter: "And then there's Maude"?
TV: Babe Zaharias was a really good athlete...
Peter: Aw, come on!
TV:: ...Good at track and field and professional golf, too
Peter: "And then there's Maude"!
TV: Amelia Earhart flew a lot of airplanes
Except for that one time when she didn't come back
Cleopatra lived way out in the desert...
Peter: "And then there's Maude"! Come on!
TV: But still found a way to keep herself looking fine
And then there's Maude...
Peter: Ahh! Ahh! There we go! [turns the TV off] That was an ordeal.
Peter: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Joe, I... thought you were bringing your cop friends over. What are all these parallelograms doing here?
Joe: You mean paraplegics.

[edit] Boys Do Cry

[Stewie is offered cake]
Stewie: [dressed as a girl] None for me, thanks. It's gonna go straight to my vagina. [to Brian] That's what girl's worry about, right? Having big vaginas?
Lois: Oh, it is so good to be home. You know, I wanted us to live in a place with real family values, but values don't come from where you live or who your friends are. They come from inside, from your own beliefs.
Peter: I agree, Lois. Like, for instance, if you're watching a TV show and you decide to take your values from that... you're an idiot. Maybe you should take responsibility for what values you're kids are getting. Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place if you have such a big problem with them, instead of blaming the shows themselves. [long pause] Yeah.

[edit] No Chris Left Behind

Lois: Peter, a little culture is good for this family. Besides, you liked The Nutcracker, didn't you?
Peter: No, Lois, I did not. The Nutcracker had zero physical comedy. And-and with a name like The Nutcracker, I thought, "Oh, this will be worth a few yuks." But no, Lois. That title wrote a check that the queers on stage refused to cash.
Lois: They cut a school's funding if it's got low test scores? This is not what the Founding Fathers had in mind.
[Cutaway to the signing of the Declaration of Independence]
Founding Father: Okay, we're here to sign this declaration of our independence. Let's take role call first. Thomas Jefferson?
Thomas Jefferson: Here!
Founding Father: Benjamin Franklin?
Benjamin Franklin: Here!
Founding Father: John Footpenis?
John Hancock: It's "Hancock" now!
Founding Father: Why?
John Hancock: Mind your business, that's why!

[edit] It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One

[Chris is going door-to-door to try and get votes for Lois. He approaches one door, rings the bell, and the person inside answers. The camera stays on Chris as he talks]
Chris: Hi. I'm going door-to-door to campaign on behalf of Lois Griffin, who's offering real change for the city of Quahog. May we count on your vote next Tuesday? [the camera pans to the person at the door, who turns out to be Lois]
Lois: Chris, this is our house.
Chris: Ah. Then what is for dinner?
Lois: Pork chops.
Chris: Excellent.
Lois: Chris, have you been to any other houses?
Chris: I have not.
Lois: Would you like to come in?
Chris: Please.
Lois: Hey, you guys.
Chris: Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great. Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while.
Lois: What?
Chris: What?

[edit] Meet the Quagmires

Quagmire: [to Lois] Come here, baby, let's go play "Hide and Go Anal"!
[In the alternate universe]
Lois: Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin! I'm sorry, Peter. I'm afraid she's got her father's libido.
Quagmire: What can I say? I'm a Vagittarius! Oh!
[Chris, Meg and Stewie laugh; then they say "giggity" seven times in unison]
Molly Ringwald Griffin: Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama bin Laden with his bare hands? [Brian looks up in shock]
Lois: I know! Who would have thought bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of MADtv?
Quagmire: Man, the perfect hiding spot - the one place no one would look.

[edit] External links

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