Flight of the Conchords (TV series)

From Wikiquote

Jump to: navigation, search
For quotes from live performances, specials and interviews, see Flight of the Conchords

Flight of the Conchords (17 June 2007—22 March 2009) follows the lives of two New Zealanders, living in New York, who are trying to break into the American music industry with their comedy singles.


Contents


[edit] Series 1

[edit] Sally (Pilot) [1.01]

Murray: [To Jemaine] I've told you. When you are in a band, you don't get with your bandmate's girlfriend. Past or present.
Jemaine: Yes, well, thanks for that.
Murray: You get a love triangle, you know, a Fleetwood Mac situation. Although there was four of them, so more of a love square. But you know, no-one gets on.
Jemaine: Ok, I see.
Murray: Mind you, they did make some of their best music back then.
Bret: Rumours.
Murray: No. No, it's all true.
Jemaine: Hey, Bret, I think I know where I went wrong.
Bret: Hmm?
Jemaine: I think I know where I went wrong last night.
Bret: Yeah?
Jemaine: Yeah, Sally wanted to leave when you turned the light on. I think she found it weird - the whole thing with you there with the - with the light ... on.
Bret: Yeah, I think it might also be because she and I used to go out.
Jemaine: Yeah. It's 'cause you and her used to go out, but also because of the thing with the light. She's thinking, "Oh this is a nice situation." But then, "Ugh, who-- who turned on the light?"
Bret: Yeah. Yeah, maybe. But I think it's mainly because her and I used to go out... for like six months.
Jemaine: Yeah, well -- yeah, it's mainly because you used to go out, but also mainly because of the whole situation with the light.
Bret: Yeah, but the last thing you want to see when you're hooking up is your ex in the same room.
Jemaine: Yeah, and you also don't want to be startled by a light, do you?
Jemaine: [Trying to stop Sally from dumping him] I'm usually more charismatic than this.


[edit] Bret Gives Up The Dream [1.02]

Eddie: The job is you have to hold up this sign and you have to make sure it points in the right direction. Now, does that sound like something you can do?
Jemaine: Sounds like something a lamppost could do.
Eddie: You're overthinking. You cannot overthink on this job. What if the wind came along, and tore the sign off the lamppost? Huh? You ever think of that, Enrico Fermi?
Jemaine: I can't believe you got that job and I didn't.
Bret: You know, you've got to work on your people skills.
Jemaine: Yeah, shut up, Bret.

[edit] Mugged [1.03]

Mugger: What is this? Why does this phone have a camera glued to it?
Bret: It's a camera phone. Jemaine wanted one for his birthday.
Mugger: [To other mugger] Look at this. [To Bret] Oh yeah? Where'd you get it?
Bret: I made it. It's homemade.
Mugger: Yeah, it's a piece of shit.
Bret: Well, how come Jemaine likes it so much?
Jemaine: You can have it.
Mel: Oh my God. Jemaine, are you okay?
Jemaine: Yeah.
Mel: You're out? Did the cops try to strip search you?
Jemaine: No.
Mel: Did they find anything?
Jemaine: No, they didn't strip search me.
Mel: Oh, I--I thought you said they did.
Jemaine: No.
Mel: Oh, well, did any of your cellmates, you know, rape you in the a--
Jemaine: No. No no no.
Mel: Oh good, good. Cause if--if I was a convict, you know, and I was in a cell with a pretty boy like you, I would definitely wait till lights out, put my hand over your mouth--
Jemaine: I've gotta--I've gotta go.

[edit] Yoko [1.04]

[in the middle of the Second Annual Flight of the Conchords Fan Club meeting]
Murray: Alright, Item 3. Now if one of the band members was to have a girlfriend, would you find that... A: Very Positive; B: Positive...
Mel: Why do... why do you ask?
Murray: No reason.
Mel: Has Bret got a girlfriend?
Murray: Yes. He's seeing a girl from work. Coco.
Mel: [snaps the tip of her pencil, twitches nervously, then recovers] Oh... heh. Wow. Well that's great that Bret has a girlfriend. That's really great.
Murray: You don't think that Bret's any less available now that he's...
Mel: Oh no... heh. Is she pretty?
Murray: You're still interested in the band then? Even though...
Mel: Yes, it's nice for Bret to have a girlfriend.
Murray: Good.
Mel: Yes.
Murray: Alright. You're sure?
Mel: Yes! [chuckles] Is she stupid?
Murray: You've still got Jemaine anyway. And he's always available, isn't he? He's not gonna... not gonna get a girlfriend any time soon, so...
Mel: Just ummm...
Murray: Try your chances with him, can't you?
Mel: Mmmhmm. Does... does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? A bit?
Murray: A little bit. 'Round the eyes.
Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes, huh?
Murray: Well she's... she's got eyes.
Jemaine: [after following Bret and Coco onto a bus] Bret.
Bret: [surprised] Hey man, what are you doing here?
Jemaine: Murray and I missed you and we want you to rejoin the band again.
Bret: Really?
Jemaine: Yeah, on one condition, that you... [makes hand to throat gesture and points at Coco]
Bret: I'm not gonna kill her man.
Jemaine: No just leave - just leave her, not...
Bret: Oh, no I'm not gonna leave her, I told you that. You know, I like the band but, no, I'm not leaving Coco.
Coco: I wouldn't mind, I mean if that's what you really want.
Bret: Shush baby.
Coco: I-I don't really see us as a long-term...
Bret: Shush.
Jemaine: So what's it gonna be Bret, the girl or the band?
Bret: Well, it’s gonna be Coco.
Jemaine: Oh, are you sure?
Bret: Yeah.
Jemaine: Oh, I thought you - I was sure you were gonna say the band.
Bret: [Shakes head] No I'm staying with Coco.
Jemaine: [sighs] I guess you can still be in the band.
Bret: Okay, yeah all right.
Jemaine: Okay.
Bret: Cool.
Jemaine: Okay, well I'll see you later. [gets up to leave]
Bret: I'll see you at band practice.
Jemaine: [sits down again] Actually I'm gonna wait until the bus stops and then I'll get off.

[edit] Sally Returns [1.05]

Jemaine: It's not a cleaning cupboard, it's an apartment. It's my studio apartment.
Murray: More like a 'compartment'.
Murray: Jemaine?
Jemaine: ...Present.
Murray: Bret?
Bret: Yep.
Murray: And Murray... yes, present, thank you... I'm always here anyway, I don't know why I bother with my line.

[edit] Bowie [1.06]

"Jemaine" "[as David Bowie]": Wear the eye patch Bret, wear the funky, funky eye patch.

Jemaine [as David Bowie]: So, you showed your penis to the man from the greeting card company.
Bret: Can I please have a look at the lyrics? [Looks at notepad] This is another one of your weird songs, man.
Jemaine: In what way?
Bret: What's that about 'Sometimes I put a wig on you when we're on tour'?
Jemaine: Put a wig on you? No. It didn't say anything like that.
Bret: That's definitely a bit gay.
Jemaine: What is?
Bret: Putting a wig on me while I'm asleep.
Jemaine: I think, sometimes you hear what you wanna hear. It wouldn't be gay to put a wig on a man and pretend they're a woman. How could that be gay if you're pretending they're a woman? Not that I did it.

[edit] Drive By [1.07]

Bret: So he wouldn't serve us basically just because we're from New York.
Jemaine: Is that the norm?
Dave: Well, you guys are in America now, and there's a lot of prejudism here. Especially towards people like you.
Bret: What do you mean, people like us?
Dave: You know, the English and what not, red coats, the oppressors...
Jemaine: We're not English.
Dave: Be that as it may Jemaine, you're pretty much the most disliked race in this whole country.
Jemaine: What about black people?
Dave They don't like you either. Neither do the Chinese, the Asians, Polish, Russian, Cro-Asians, even the Indians.
Bret: Yeah, but Dave, you're Indian. D'you hate us?
Dave: Yeah, sometimes.
Jemaine: But you're our best friend.
Dave: I know.
Jemaine: It doesn't matter what country someone's from, or what they look like, or the color of their skin. It doesn't matter what they smell like, or that they spell words slightly differently...some would say, more correctly.
Sinjay: Yeah...
Jemaine: Let me finish. I'm a person. Bret's a person. You're a person. That person over there is a person. And each person deserves to be treated like a person.
Sinjay: That's a great speech. Too bad New Zealanders are a bunch of cocky a-holes descended from criminals and retarded monkeys.
Jemaine: No you're thinking of Australians.
Bret: Yea that's Australians.

[edit] Girlfriends [1.08]

Murray: [Referring to record producer Quincy Jones] What are some albums that he's done, Bret?
Bret: Michael Jackson's "Off The Wall".
Murray: I'll say he is...he's off the planet. Wants to freeze himself, doesn't he?
Jemaine: Are you and Lisa gonna get married now?
Bret: I wish, but I don't know. She's got to go to war.
Jemaine: What?
Bret: Yeah, Iraq.
Jemaine: Iraq?
Bret: Yeah.
Jemaine: Lisa?
Bret: Yes, she's in Delta Force. She's been deployed to Fallujah.
Jemaine: But she works in the croissant shop.
Bret: Yeah well, she's got two jobs. She's a pastry chef and a sniper.

[edit] What Goes On Tour [1.09]

Murray: Okay, band meeting. Murray, present. Bret, present. Jemaine, present. Alright, I haven't got time for your time-wasting. I have good news, I have booked our biggest tour ever.
Bret: The Grand Canyon one?
Jemaine: Well, it wouldn't have to be that big to be our biggest tour ever.
Murray: I'm so angry, I feel like swearing.
Bret: Oh, Murray, you wouldn't swear at us.
Murray: Go fuck yourself Bret!

[edit] New Fans [1.10]

Mel: What was your name again?
Rain: It's Rain.
Mel: Oh. That's nice. Kinda like... kinda like bad weather... I remember your name from the fan list, I check it regularly. Do you check it regularly?
Rain: No.
Mel: Oh... You don't have a computer.
Rain: No, I have a computer.
Mel: Oh, you can't read...
Jemaine: You don't even know anything about threesomes.
Bret: Have you ever had a threesome?
Jemaine: Nearly.
Bret: What do you mean, nearly?
Jemaine: I've had a twosome.
Bret: Wow. What was that like?
Jemaine: Great. I've done it several times, man.
Bret: Just one of you here... and then one.. Oh well then, I've had a twosome!

[edit] The Actor [1.11]

Murray: You're telling me that this is all a joke...
Jemaine: Well not a joke...
Murray: ...organised by a couple of jesters? Is this you is it?: "Oh let's do a jest - a great big lark in the courtyard of the king and see how he takes it". Is it?
Dave: I think you've gotta use honesty here. I mean, you know, it's always the best policy. Like the other day there was five, well, maybe there was like four really hot foreign chicks- either like Swedish or Korean- in my shop, and they were like 'Dave, we wanna have a five way with you.' I just told them, 'honestly, okay.' Then I gave it to 'em. Hard.

[edit] The Third Conchord [1.12]

Bret: Okay, I'm just going to say, "Dear Todd, thank you very much, but you can't be in the band anymore."
Jemaine: Umm. I don't think you should do it, man. You're too easily offended.
Bret: I can't believe you just said that.
Bret: Todd's not cool.
Murray: What do you mean? He's cooler than both of you put together. Look at him over there with all his friends. He's like the Pied Piper of cool. Pied Piper was cool wasn't he?
Bret: Pied Piper wasn't cool, he took all those kids into a cave.
Murray: No, I mean before that phase; when it was just the rats.

[edit] Series 2

[edit] A Good Opportunity [2.01]

Jemaine: Women love weaving, they love to weave.
Bret: No, weaving is a man's game.
Jemaine: Bret, you put a woman in front of weaving machine and just watch her go.
Bret: No, honestly, my Dad weaves, my grandfather was a weaver... I come from a family of weavers.
Jemaine: I've never seen a man weave.
Bret: I love weaving. I'm weaving at the moment, making a pair of trousers.
Murray: Bret, could you get a pencil out of my stationery cabinet, please?
Bret: Where's that?
Murray: Just the glove box.

[edit] New Cup [2.02]

Murray: Bret, you should have a guitar.
Bret: I sold it to pay the bills.
Murray: You can't go on like that! Won't it sound weird with just the 'big guitar' that Jemaine plays?
Jemaine: Bass. It's called a bass guitar.
Murray: Well, I call it the 'Dad guitar' 'cause it's more like (deep voice) "Da da da da - I'm your Dad. Hey Murray, get into the shed and get the mower and do the lawns - de de de." You need Bret's 'Mum guitar' to add the beautiful tones (high voice) "Come on, darling, Murray's okay. Why you get home so late, Gordon?" (deep voice) "I was just havin' a few beers."
Bret: It'll sound fine.
Murray: It won't sound fine, Bret, you've got no guitar! (Bret plays his air guitar) I can hardly hear it! You'd have to be deaf to hear that.
Jemaine: It's dark, Bret.
Bret: Yeah, I know.
Jemaine: What expression is on your face?
Bret: Umm. Guilty expression. What expression is on your face?
Jemaine: Sad because we don't have any electricity, but satisfied because I was right about the cup.
Bret: That's a weird expression.
[Murray has told the band that their lack of a guitar has given them bad reviews]
Bret: Can we use the emergency band funds to get my guitar back?
Murray: Well that's... Actually tied up in an investment at the moment.
Jemaine: What's this investment?
Murray: It's a friend of mine from Nigeria, Nigel Soladu.
Jemaine: When did you go to Nigeria?
Murray: Well, I didn't go. That's the best bit, Jemaine. He just randomly sent me an internet letter, offering me a business opportunity. And I went with it. In a few days time, he'll return the money I invested, plus 1000% interest [Bret and Jemaine shake their heads in disbelief] and a share in his family fortunes.
Jemaine: It's a scam.
Murray: [Outraged] It is not a scam! Why would someone want to scam me Jemaine!? And on the internet service, one of the trusted... things of today's society!
[Murray has discovered that Jemaine is prostituting himself. There is a Nigerian man in his office with him]
Murray: Jemaine shouldn't be doing this.
Nigerian man: Indeed, he should not.
Bret: Well... [to Murray] Murray, who's... who's this guy?
Murray: Oh, this is Nigel Soladu. He's my new business partner.
Bret: [Surprised] From the internet?
Murray: Yes! Can you imagine it? Out of the hundreds of people using he internet, only I was willing to help him.

---

Mel:Like a Samurai like a massage samurai.
Jemaine:I'm just patting you.
Mel:Oh I feel like I've hired a gigolo. Haha! I'm just kidding I would never hire I mean I would.(turns to jemaine)I would I would pay you so much money..Thats not who i am, thats not what I'm about. Heh, I'm joking.I'm not. i am. I'm not.

[edit] The Tough Brets [2.03]

Murray: Oh, I've got another note here. 'Dissing' - does that make any sense to you?
Jemaine: Bret dissed alot of people in that rap thing that he did.
Murray: Who were these people you were dissing? The only one I could make out was Snoopy! What's your problem with him?
Bret: No, Snoop Dogg.
Murray: Yeah, I know he's a dog, Bret. I'm not totally in the dark ages. I do go out every once in a while. But, Snoopy's lovable! Leave him alone.
Bret: No, he's a rapper. They're all rappers. I was dissing rappers.
Murray: Well, just keep your dissing private, okay?
Mel: (about her hideous painting of Jemaine) You should hang it on your wall so you can see how big and powerful you are, like Ra - the sun god Ra. You're like a pharaoh.
Jemaine: I'm not as muscly as that.
Doug: Yeah, that's what I said.
Mel: Be quiet, Doug!
Jemaine: Yeah, be quiet, Doug.

[edit] Unnatural Love [2.05]

Bret: I would never go out with an Australian!
Jemaine: But if you were to, I would be fine with it.
Bret: When I first met you you tried to have me deported from New Zealand because you thought I was an Australian.
Jemaine: That was a misunderstanding; you were wearing a vest top.
Bret: My mum gave me that; thought it made me look like Bruce Willis.
Jemaine: Well it didn’t, it made you look like an Australian!
Bret: Did she sound Australian? Australian accent?
Jemaine: Yes, yes.
Bret: What did it sound like?
Jemaine: Kind of like an evil version of our accent.

(Bret and Murray leave the pawn shop, still looking for Jemaine)

Dave: Okay, they're gone
Jemaine: Thank you, Dave.
Dave: Yeah, don't worry about it guys. I just think it's really cool that you love each other, even though you're from Austria and you're from some place no one's even fucking heard of.
Keitha: Australia.
Jemaine: New Zealand.
Dave: Exactly. Because it shouldn't matter where you're from when love's involved. It's like that movie - "Interracial Hole Stretchers 2" - she was white; they were black. But it didn't matter in the end, did it? Because they were in love.
Jemaine: I haven't...I haven't seen that one.
Dave: Well, it really affected me.

[edit] Love is a Weapon of Choice [2.06]

Bret: Send a cheque in a letter to make a Setter feel better.

Jemaine: Come on, make a donation to save a shaky Dalmatian.

[edit] Prime Minister [2.07]

[edit] NewZealandTown [2.08]

CATS

[edit] Wingmen [2.09]

Bret: I have a girlfriend, but she doesn't know I exist.
Dave: But you do exist don't you? [pokes Bret]
Bret: Yeah, I exist.
Dave: Well, why did you say you came from Never Never Land?
Bret and Jemaine: New Zealand.
Dave: But you guys said you flew here!
Jemaine: On a plane, Dave. A plane.

[edit] Evicted [2.10]

[edit] Cast

Ě==External links==

Wikipedia
Retrieved from "http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Flight_of_the_Conchords_(TV_series)"