Freeman's Mind

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Freeman's Mind is a machinima science fiction and comedy series by Accursed Farms Productions, created with Valve's Half-Life and parodying the inner thoughts of its silent protagonist, physicist Gordon Freeman.

Contents

[edit] Episode 1

Freeman: [seeing Barney Calhoun banging on a locked door] Ahh, I'm not the only one who's late! SUCKER! Ha ha!
Train Intercom: The time is 8:47 AM.
Freeman: Shit, I didn't know I was that late! Oh, man. 8:47. I am so dead.
Train Intercom: In an emergency, please stay away from electrified rails, and proceed to an emergency station until assistance arrives.
Freeman: Man, how dumb would you have to be? I mean, they're not going to say something like that unless somebody's already tried to do it, right? I guess if I was drunk enough I might climb out the window here and pull some hang-time on the electrified tram rail. That kind of reminds me of the squirrel that got caught between the power lines one day back at MIT. The thing caught on fire and got fused to the wires, which caused a transformer to blow out and knock out the power to all of campus. That squirrel must have cost the university at least ten thousand dollars. It was a good day.
Freeman: [seeing a radioactive spill] Hey, what's that green crap? What is this? Jesus Christ, look at this place! This is a disaster! That's gotta be toxic. God, the EPA is gonna tear us apart if they find out about that! Well, I'm not saying anything. I don't want to get called in as a witness in court when the cat gets out of the bag.

[edit] Episode 2

Freeman: [arriving late at work] Okay... keep against the wall and just walk straight past the front desk. Don't make eye contact, just walk... WALK!
Guard: Hey, Mr. Freeman.
Freeman: Dammit!
Guard: I had a bunch of messages for you, but we had a system crash about twenty minutes ago, and I'm still trying to find my files. One of those days, I guess.
Freeman: I was so close!

[edit] Episode 3

Freeman: [riding an elevator] I have to say, though, working in an underground laboratory is pretty cool. It kind of makes me feel like I'm an evil scientist. I always wanted to be an evil scientist. Muh-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! AHH-HA-HA-HA-HA! [elevator stops] Okay, I better chill out. I don't want a repeat of Monday.
Freeman: Does my beard intimidate you? [on beeping eye scanners] Ahh, stop that noise! [enters test chamber] I hate that! It reminds me of that dream I have where I'm strapped to a gurney watching Fraggle Rock with flashing lights on either side of me, then I realize- I'm in hell! It's all crap, anyway. The only reason we have those scanners is because they caught me playing racquetball in here once. [prepares to spit in the anti-mass spectrometer] Ah, I better not.
[as Freeman prepares to insert the sample]
Scientist 1: [in observation booth] What is he doing in there!?!
Freeman: [stopping] Huh?
Scientist 2: Nothing you need to worry about, Gordon, heh... That's it, now. Go ahead.
Freeman: Yeah. Wouldn't want to take the blinders off the horse, now, would you? Whatever.
[Green explosion as sample is inserted]
Freeman: Oh, God! What'd I do? What- what did I do?
Scientist 2: Gordon, get away from the beam!
Scientist 3: Shutting down...
[Explosions intensify]
Freeman: No, no, no, this is not good! [runs to door] Let me out of here! Open the door! [beam kills scientists in the observation booth] Open the door, you bastards! Aagh, I HATE YOU! This is a BAD EXPERIMENT! We are BAD PEOPLE! Why did we usher forth the GREEN APOCALYPSE!?! [flash to black] What is this? Am I dead? I don't feel dead. If this is what it's like to be dead, then being dead sucks! [return to chamber] Oh, shit! That's the ceiling! WHERE IS MY HELMET! [flash to Xen] What the fuck? [flash to Vortigaunts] Who are you? No! I don't wanna be a schizophrenic! [fade to black] Oh, my God, this is crazy in a box with a side order of fries!

[edit] Episode 4

Freeman: [After waking up from the Test Chamber explosion] No, no, no, no no, huh? Hahahaha, I'm not in crazy land anymore! Man that was weirder than the time I was awake for 48 hours and thought my house was being invaded by frog people. And the door's open now! Man, I'm on a roll! Murphy's Law can suck it! [Spots a body on the floor.] Oh, Hell; is that guy dead? Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a...normal doctor! I wonder if he was trying to open the door for me; I'd feel like an asshole then. What am I saying? They're the ones who locked me into this tomb to begin with! If they're not dead already, they're on the list! [Presses a button to open the next door, which just beeps at him] Huh. Yeah, very funny. Come on door, open up. [Tries it again, with the same result.] Dammit, what a tease! I already made it past those thick-ass blast doors, which that guy died for, only to be stopped by this useless second door! This is bullshit! [Presses the button once more.] I am Captain Gordon Freeman of the Intergalactic House of Pancakes ordering you to open! [Door opens.] Yes! [Door closes.] No! [Door opens and closes randomly.] Shit! Uh...Don't kill me! [Runs through door.]
Freeman: [walking through the ruins of Black Mesa] Man, you can just smell the money burning in this place...
Freeman: I hate computers! Why do they always blow up when I use them?
Freeman: [After a headcrab materializes before him] Oh God, one of them's loose. Um, I can't turn back... Okay, I can handle this. [Headcrab advances] I am a matador. I fearlessly- [Headcrab attacks, Gordon runs away] Ah, Jesus! Shit! Fuck! Piss! - those things bite! Damn it! I'm starting to feel pretty naked here without a weapon. I've been meaning to take Kung Fu lessons for years now because I knew there'd be a day like today and I would be ready. But I kept putting it off, and here I am totally unprepared and not knowing Kung Fu! Procrastination has failed me, yet again.
Freeman: [reading] "Do not use elevators."
[Pushes button, elevator plunges by with two screaming passengers on board]
Freeman: Oh, shit, they weren't kidding!
[elevator crashes]
Freeman: Oh, jeez, what do I do? The door won't open... [smashes glass door with crowbar] What should I do? I guess, uh... SORRY! DIDN'T MEAN TO KILL YOU! Oh, man... I hope at least they were jerks!

[edit] Episode 5

Freeman: Oh, man, another body. You know, normally following a trail of dead bodies covered in blood is a sign that you're going the wrong way!
Freeman: [encountering a locked door] Oh, you've got to be kidding me. I'm gonna sue the hell out of Black Mesa when I get out of here! Locking your workers in? That's what the Triangle Shirtwaist factory did! Locked its workers in, then there was a fire, then everybody died! That's a formula for success. Damn it! We're making history right now - crap history! [smashes console with crowbar, door opens] What? Ha ha! I am incredible. Is there any end to the number of problems that I can solve just by beating the hell out of something? I'm not sure there is!
Freeman: Why does everyone have to keep dying on me? Is it really so hard to just not die? I mean, look at me! I was in the chamber in freaking ground zero and I'm still here! Yet you guys slip on a banana peel and that's it! Ugh. Darwin was right. I didn't realize I was working with a bunch of lemmings.

[edit] Episode 6

[Houndeye teleports in front of Freeman]
Freeman: No. [shoots it] Man, come on! That teleported out of freaking nowhere! Maybe I was hasty shooting it. It might have been an ambassador. Okay, if I see another one, I'll listen to what it has to say. [Second houndeye rounds a corner] Speak of the devil. [Houndeye unleashes sonic attack] Fuck! [shoots it] It's the same story every time - you give people the benefit of the doubt, and they try to kill you! That's what I get for being nice. [encounters group of houndeyes] Oh, here we go. [shoots] Suck on this, you jumping boogers!
[After teleporting in, something begins pounding its way through a metal door]
Freeman: I'm guessing I'm not gonna like what's behind door number one, here.
[Vortigaunt bashes its way through]
Freeman: I was right! [Vortigaunt zaps Gordon before being shot] God damn, that hurts! Okay, that's it. It's official. All aliens are bastards! Especially you! And you! Hold still! [Shoots a headcrab.] Nice! That was a pretty good shot. Not so tough, now that I've got a gun, are ya?
Freeman: [On his inability to climb back out of a drainage pipe] Damn. White men in armored hazmat suits can't jump.
Freeman: [Starts a lift] Whoa, train's leaving the station, all aboard. [A pair of headcrabs jump on.] No, not you! You don't have a ticket!
Freeman: Whoa, what was that? [Headcrabs fall down beside him, and he readies the crowbar.] Batter up. Strike one! Strike two! Strike...ah, it's raining men! I mean aliens! Why is this taking so long? I could fall faster than this! [Starts smacking headcrabs.] NO! SHUT UP! NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR OPNION! YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS! YOU'RE ALL ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS Now do what you're told and jump in this giant meat-grinder! NO! YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! You're all incompetent!
Freeman: [After jumping off an elevator, a houndeye telports in] Oh that's great! Teleport in more creeps. This place isn't crazy enough! [Walks onto catwalk. Bullsquid teleports in, falls on and breaks catwalk right in front of Freeman] WHAT THE FUCK!?

[edit] Episode 7

[Gordon encounters a collapsed catwalk]
Freeman: Hey, a rope! Now I can be Tarzan!
[imitates Tarzan yell, sees the "rope" belongs to a barnacle]
Freeman: Hey, wait, that's not a rope! These are, like, jellyfish or something. If I swung on that, it could come crashing down on me. These aliens are just good for nothing.
[jumps off catwalk, lands on a crate]
Freeman: These crates are good for something. That one just broke my fall. That means aliens are worth less than crates! Which is, what, a few dollars?
Freeman: Wow. I wasn't expecting this. This must be our box-smashing room. I mean, what? We have a bottomless pit, and the sides are all plate metal that looks strong enough to withstand a missile blast. This room must have cost a couple hundred thousand to build. Eat your heart out, taxpayers! This is where your money goes!
Freeman: Man, we picked the WRONG contractor to build these catwalks. "El Sleazo's Discount Construction: Bribing building inspectors for over 40 years."
Freeman: Good old New Mexico! We're really making a name for the state. First they invented the atomic bomb at Los Alamos, and now we've invented mean-ass aliens that teleport out of nowhere! I don't know which is worse!
Freeman: When they invented the atomic bomb they were afraid it was going to catch the atmosphere on fire and burn up the whole Earth, but they did it anyway. That took balls. Not us, though. The only people taking the risks were the ones who didn't understand them in the first place. We're not brave, we're just stupid.

[edit] Episode 8

Freeman: Huh. We've got so many dead bodies now, we're hanging them from the ceiling. [Body pulled up out of sight] ...And the ceiling eats them. I guess that works...
Freeman: [meandering] This "locked door" thing is getting REAL old.
[pinned down by an automated turret gun]
Freeman: Hey, want to be my human shield?
Scientist: Shut up!
Freeman: Just an idea! [looks around corner] No, just a dead end... maybe I could force him out there if I waved my gun at him.
Scientist: Nuhh...
Freeman: Shit, did I say that out loud?

[edit] Episode 9

[seeing two scientists enter an air vent]
Freeman: Oh, you're doing the vent thing, too, huh?
[something unseen pulls the screaming scientists in, body parts fly out]
Freeman: Oh! You're dumbasses! You can't go through the fan blades! Some people just have to learn things the hard way. I mean, it only took me one time to learn not to stick your head in a fan.
Freeman: [shooting Headcrabs] How many of you fuckers are there? Do you want me to individually engrave your names on each of my bullets? Is my gun not personal enough for you? I'll kill every last one of you bastards. All I need are bullets. We have a lot of bullets here! EARTH IS A MINERAL-RICH PLANET!
Freeman: [after nearly being eaten by a barnacle in the presence of a scientist] What the fuck?! Now I'm covered in blood! My hair... this is gonna jam my gun! [to scientist] And what about you?! Enjoying the show?!
Scientist: I just heard a secure-access transmission. Soldiers have arrived, and they're coming to rescue us. Of course, I have my doubts that we'll live long enough to greet them.
Freeman: Yeah, thanks for the warning, asshole! I really appreciate how you stood there staring at me, not doing a goddamn thing! You're like a cat watching a mouse die!
Freeman: [approaching a door] Oh! An "Exit" sign! It's about bloody time.
[door is locked]
Freeman: Okay, remain calm...
[bashes door with crowbar, glass doesn't break]
Freeman: Jesus! Okay, we'll take this to the next level.
[gunshot]
Freeman: What the fuck? We installed bulletproof glass in our exit doors? That stuff's not cheap! How retarded are we!? I don't know anymore!
Freeman: Hey, I think that's an exit... [ceiling breaks] Huh? [a barrage of Headcrabs fall on him] Oh my God. THIS WAS NOT APPROVED BY THE COMMITTEE! I'M NOT TAKING ANY QUESTIONS! [swinging crowbar violently] NO COMMENT! NO COMMENT! NO COMMENT! [after killing all Headcrabs] Well, I can understand how some people can't get enough of me, but it's for their own good, really.

[edit] Episode 10

Freeman: [after drinking coffee from previous episode] Brooahhh! Coffee coffee coffee. Coffee! It's not as strong as methamphetamine, but it lets you keep your teeth.
Freeman: [to running scientist] Hey, where's the party? [Headcrab leaps past him] Oh, God! Okay, lead the way. Where are we going? WHAT!?! You're going to hide in the corner? Are you five years old? [shoots pursuing Bullsquid] Man, now I'm almost out of bullets. Are you happy? Because I'm not. You know what? You can stay in the corner. You've earned it. I'm gonna come back with a dunce cap for you, and you're gonna wear it.
Freeman: [after being attacked by a bullsquid] Yeah, that's right. Just puke on my suit. It doesn't matter anymore. It's already got blood all over it. Most of it's not even my blood - it's from the other alien that puked on me. I'm probably carrying a few blood-borne diseases on my suit. I'm a walking CDC nightmare. It makes me want to hug someone.
Freeman: OH GOD! Oh, man. I thought I almost fell for that turret gun again. Because this stairway looks EXACTLY like that other one.

[edit] Episode 10.5 (April Fools Day Episode)

[having recently acquired a shotgun]
Freeman: I need to find some more stuff to shoot. Shooting the dead bodies would look cool, but I don't want to get that stuff on me. Oh, what about that locked door? I'll make a new door with this baby. Call me Ali Baba. Open sesame! [shoots the door three times] Fine, then. Close sesame! Man, three rounds of buckshot point-blank. What the hell? It's like one of those doors from Looney Tunes where they blow up the whole building but the door is still standing. I bet it's locked on both sides and nobody has the key.
[preparing to jump over an elevator shaft to a ladder]
Freeman: This, right here, is why you should eat Wheaties in the morning. I guess anything would be better than the two shots of vodka I had. All right, let's do this. [sprints] HOO-ga-sa-ka HOO-ga-sa-ka HOO! [leaps, falls] Oh, shit, oh shit, OH SHIT! [splat] [flatline]
HEV: HEV activated. Automatic medical systems engaged. Major fracture detected. Internal bleeding detected. Emergency: user death imminent.

[edit] Episode 11

[Gordon encounters an open elevator shaft, with the only ladder up on the opposite side]
Freeman: So, my only way out of here is to take some flying leap of faith, like that scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, then claw like a mad cat, and hope like hell I get a grip and don't break my ribs! Once again, I need a grappling hook. I can't believe this. Why do you have a ladder in an elevator shaft? To fix the elevator! How do you get to the ladder? You take the elevator that doesn't work! Who thought this one up? Jesus Christ! I suppose I could do the math on whether this jump is feasible or not, but, you know... we'll have plenty of time for that when I'm dead.
[Gordon jumps to the ladder]
Freeman: Oh, my God! THAT was stupid. Why do I keep doing stupid things? Oh my Goh, Ohh- I could have died!
Scientist: [dangling from the bottom of a ladder further up the shaft] I- I can't hold on much longer!
Freeman: Oh, cry me a river! I just jumped across an elevator shaft onto a ladder and I'm still here! Do I look like Spider-Man to you? No! If I was Spider-Man, I could do that web-flinging crap and be out of here hours ago! The point is, you can learn how to do a pull-up! Although, I'll admit, these ledges suck. [Scientist loses his grip] Whoa! You might want to- [Scientist falls to his death] Never mind.
Freeman: That shotgun's mine.
[Gordon attempts to smash the glass with his crowbar, but finds it is bulletproof]
Freeman: Oh come on! Theres extra ammo there and everything! Well, I guess out of the whole facility the security station is the one place that should have bulletproof glass. But still, I could argue I have more need for a shotgun now than any other time in my life... Though it wouldn't be the first time I've said that.
[Gordon finds a dead scientist]
Freeman: Why is this guy dead? He wasn't dead a minute ago, he was screaming about silo doors like a possessed farmer.
[Gordon examines a dead soldier]
Freeman: So what's the story on this guy? Yup, deader than a dead, dead guy... Is that an MP5!? It is! [Gasps] Now I can solve up to eight-hundred problems a minute! A sub-machine gun: It's not just for party tricks.
[Headcrabs start to teleport in]
Freeman: Allow me to demonstrate!
[Gordon shoots the headcrabs]
Freeman: [Cackles] That's right short controlled bursts. The candle that burns twice as bright lasts half as long.
[Gordon encounters a cargo hook]
Freeman: All right, is anyone looking? Here we go. [Imitates Tarzan yell, swings on hook, headcrab teleports behind him] Oh, come on, why did you have to spoil the moment? You guys have no appreciation for art! [starts shooting] CRITIC!
Freeman: Whoa, this is slick. It's like there's oil mixed in or something? Whoa! Oh, oh, nice! Have another empty elevator shaft for me to slide my ass into after jumping over another trip wire. [Jumps laser trip wire, sees more trip wires, turret guns, and two staring scientists] Oh, I see - that was just one stage of trying to kill me.
Scientist 1: Hello, there.
Freeman: Uh... hi. Little busy here. Don't try to help me, or anything. Nobody does that.
Scientist 2: I'll stay here.
Freeman: You do that! God, you two are creeping me out. "Come play with us, Gordon. Forever... and ever... and ever..."
Scientist 1: Do you know who ate all the donuts?
Freeman: The donu--? No! I've got more important things on my mind! [Surrounded by a web of trip wires] Okay, this is weird. I'm gonna need a minute to think about this.
Scientist 2: Fascinating... I never suspected such things could be.
Freeman: Quit staring at me!

[edit] Episode 12

Scientist: Rescued at last! Thank God you're here!
Freeman: Ah, yeah, the rescue team!
[HECU marine shoots scientist]
Freeman: ...Or, um, what? Okay, I can understand shooting someone running at you screaming, but I don't know... this feels shady. Is there another way out of here? I think this guy's in a bad mood. Well... all right, fine, I'll try and go make friends, even though that always ends up the same way. [looks again] See, he's not even trying to plant a gun on him or hide the body. That's a bad sign, like this is just another day of work for him. I'll at least give him some warning, so I don't jump on him. Hey, killer, what's up?
[Marine shoots at Gordon]
Freeman: Ahh! Diplomacy sucks! [Marine pursues and shoots him] Ow! [Gordon shoots and kills marine] Hey, man, what's your problem!?! Why are you shooting everyone? I'm taking this gun away from you, mister! You're obviously not mature enough to handle it! Now you sit there and think about what you've done!
Freeman: So, yeah, I'm killing people now! But that was not murder. It was totally self-defense. Just because I had a submachine gun doesn't change anything. It just lets me defend more efficiently. I haven't murdered anyone - well, not today anyway.
[Gordon encounters a squad of three HECU marines]
Freeman: Oh, no. So, are we gonna play nice, or -
HECU: Move in!
[Gordon guns down the soldiers]
Freeman: Nope. Well, looks like my armor is better than yours! And I'll just loot your bodies, 'cause that's how I roll... and that puts me at six or seven counts of self-defense.

[edit] Episode 13

Freeman: [Getting to the surface] I'm gonna get so drunk tonight, like, way more than usual. Yeah! It's the surface! PARTY! PAR- [Seeing two HECU marines]. Dammit! It's the fun police!
Freeman: [fighting HECU marines] I'm on your side, you fucking idiots! How many of you do I have to kill for you to understand that? God damn, you're stupid! You're like a bunch of lemmings with machine guns! Do I look like an alien? Am I green? Do I have tentacles coming out of me? Give me this, and this! Hey is that a chopper? HEY, HEY, HEY!! HELP!! HELP ME!! [an air strike drives him indoors] What the fuck!? Why are we bombing!? There's nobody here! Why are the soldiers bombing each other? Is this real? I just wanna go home! Everyone is crazy except me! I don't understand, why is everyone trying to kill me? I'm awesome! Are you all jealous?!
Freeman: Give peace a chance! Or at least stand still!
Freeman: [After being driven back underground by HECU bombing] This must have been what H.G. Wells was talking about. Maybe half of humanity will go underground and start a new society, and enslave the surface-dwellers. That's my destiny. Yeah, I'm a first-generation Morlock. I don't think I'll start cannibalizing people right away, though. I'll at least wait until the vending machines run out.
HECU: I killed twelve dumb-ass scientists and not one of them fought back. This sucks!
Freeman: Yeah, I guess that's what happens when you shoot everyone on a rescue operation. But not to worry; I'm a scientist, and I'm armed like a secessionist. Hey, that rhymes!
[HECU open fire, Gordon shoots them]
Freeman: Ah, okay! Fine! I should have known you guys aren't into poetry! I guess I can't completely blame you. That wasn't a perfect rhyme - the syllable count was off. So, what's that make? Twelve, fifteen counts of self-defense with an automatic weapon? I'm losing count and I don't think the cops are gonna buy that anymore.
Freeman: [comes to a dead end in a vent] Oh no. I give up. Guess I'll just die here...

[edit] Episode 14

Scientist: Well, so much for the soldiers.
Freeman: Aah! How did you get in here?
Scientist: Their idea of "containment" is to kill everyone associated with the project. Judging from your—
Freeman: [door opens] Wha—?
Scientist: —Hazard suit, I'd say you were part of what went wrong.
Freeman: What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Scientist: Look, if anyone can end this catastrophe, it's the science team in the Lambda complex at the opposite end of the base. With the transit system out, I couldn't tell you how to get there, but there's an old decommissioned rail system somewhere through here.
Freeman: I don't care about any of this.
Scientist: If you can make it through the rocket test labs, you might be able to worm your way through the old tunnels to track down whatever's left of the Lambda team.
Freeman: Why?
Scientist: You can trust them. You can trust all of us.
Freeman: I don't trust you at all!
Scientist: Good luck.
Freeman: You appeared here like some magical genie out of a lamp! I don't understand why—
Scientist: [whispering] I hear something.
Freeman: What? Where? [goes out, looks around] There's nothing here. You're crazy! [returns] You're just like everyone else here! [looks in vent] And where did that security guard go? I didn't see him! He's off playing with that alien in this giant funhouse of a ventilation system! [grabs shotgun and ammo] At least this shotgun won't deceive me. It's filled with pellets, not lies!
Scientist: Do you know who ate all the donuts?
Freeman: No! Do you know if leptons are really compound particles? Friggin' donuts...
Freeman: Hey, you're not really a genie, are you? You're not dressed like one. I ask because earlier I wished I had a shotgun, and now I have a shotgun, but if that was one of my three wishes I don't want to waste-*accidentally fires the shotgun nearly hitting him* God! Sorry, sorry! I'll just go, okay? I'm going...Sorry, sorry...God...Well, I can forget about my other two wishes now! I'm never gonna own a waterpark...
Freeman: Ah, a radioactive spill! Part of me wants to believe we're not this criminally incompetent, but...I know better.

[edit] Episode 15

Freeman: Unlike my colleagues, I have a tendency to stay alive. Since this morning, I've been bitten, shot, bombed, electrocuted, almost drowned, almost fallen to my death, and strangled. Rasputin wasn't so lucky! But, here I am, exposing myself to radiation. Why not? Let's add to the list: maybe I can get burned, stabbed, and poisoned before the day is done.
Freeman: [to scientist] Are you the one making all that noise?
[Giant tentacle breaks through window]
Freeman: MONKEY ON A STICK! We're getting fingered by Godzilla!
Scientist: No! No! Get it off! Get it off! [tentacle pulls the scientist out the window]
Freeman: Ok, I was waiting for an opportunity to use this [pulls out a grenade] and here it is, it's obvious, a handful of shrapnel makes the medicine go down! [throws the grenade].
Freeman: That's not a rope... you can't fool me. [shoots barnacle, body parts rain down] Ack! God! Jesus. It's all over me. That's right, the old layer was starting to dry. Better baste a new layer of blood on me. It's important I maintain a fresh layer of blood on me at all times. Helps my sheen.
Freeman:That's how Spider-Man got his powers, [gets on a elevator going up] that is such bullshit,for starters the odds of a random mutation being beneficial are astronomical. But even if you did get one, you would get radiation poisoning! Comic book writers know as much about science as I know about [pauses and thinks] well, I'm a bad example since I know about almost everything, but the point is they can try harder!
[Freeman comes around a corner to find a bullsquid eating a corpse and ducks back into the corner]
Freeman: I hate awkward pauses like this.
[turns the corner and kills the bullsquid]
Freeman: But of course, I have to be the one to break the ice.
Freeman: [After propelling a houndeye away with his shotgun] Ah ha ha ha! Today's lesson is on muzzle energy and momentum!
Freeman: ['After accidentally blowing up a bridge with a alien on it] Whoa! Combo platter! [looks over the edge] Hope I don't need to go that way...

[edit] Episode 16

Freeman: Oh, safety bars. Knowing this place, that means somebody must have fallen in at one point. [Destroys bars with a single hit from the crowbar] And... we put up cardboard tubes wrapped in tin foil, apparently.
Freeman: [To tentacle monster, while smashing boxes] That's right. You bang, I bang, we all bang together.
Freeman: Are you kidding me!?! You can't open this from the inside and it automatically shuts? [sigh] I think there needs to be a sign on the outside that says "Please prop the door or else you'll die a slow death."

[edit] Episode 17

Freeman: [After being pinned to the ceiling by a giant fan] I'm not even wearing air-resistant clothing! I thought you had to be wearing MC Hammer pants and a poncho for that to work!
Freeman: [To tentacle monster] Yeah, that's right. You show that metal floor who's boss! Don't take "no" for an answer!

[edit] Episode 18

Freeman: Ah, tick-tick-tock. Is that the sound of a Geiger counter or my lifespan counting down? It's both! That's right. Here at Black Mesa, when we talk about "half-life," we mean it in more ways than one. So make your peace, and come to Black Mesa. Here, you'll win a chance to fight freaks of nature, escape countless safety hazards, wander aimlessly for hours, and die scared, tired, and alone!
Scientist: Excellent! Someone has restored all power. We'll have the engine up again in no time.
Freeman: Yeah, that room's dangerous, did you know that? It's a good thing I made it back OK. [stares at spinning dial] I was gonna... yeah, the... yes, master... no, stop! You can't kill me, so you're gonna try to control me, is that it? I'll never do your bidding! I have a doctor's degree!

[edit] Episode 19

Freeman: While I'm 100% in favor of having a tomb this size devoted to me, I shouldn't be put into it until after I'm dead. You don't bury the Pharaoh alive - that's what the help is for!
Freeman: You know, I don't remember getting horrible electrical shocks the last time I came through here... I do remember being in pain, though. I mean, it might not have been this exact same location, but that's been pretty consistent. In fact, if you were to sum up this whole day in just one word, it would be "pain"... or maybe "doom"... [hears tentacle monster again] or maybe just "bang." I guess that's your vote.
Freeman: [After leaping across a wide chasm] Okay! I rock! Now stop making me prove it!
Freeman: [After firing the rocket engine to destroy the tentacle] Oh, yeah! That's it! If you can't take the heat, get out of the rocket propulsion test chamber! Ha ha ha! Burn! Burn! Burn! Physics rules!

[edit] Episode 20

Freeman: Where is everybody? They're not up there. The guard's gone. I think I remember some explosives here. Now there's just scorch marks... bloodstain... and this is after firing that rocket...huh.
Freeman: Hey, that's a ladder! That means this is legit—this might go somewhere! I mean, it probably leads to a room filled with poison gas and a bunch of dead people that look just like me, but I don't know that, so there's room for hope, I guess.
Freeman: Oh! Oh, that's a drop. Wow, this is really making me put my money where my mouth is, because earlier I said I wanted to do a long-drop cannonball if there was water down there, and here it is. Ah...kind of stupid...but there's a light down there. This could be all right. Let's assess: cons, I might starve to death where no one can ever find me; pros, this could be fun as hell...I'm gonna do it. [jumps] YeeeeEEEEE! [lands underwater] That was awesome!
[Gordon encounters an underground river of radioactive sludge]
Freeman: Jesus Christ, look how much we're pumping out! This is bad! I thought the other spills were bad, but I also thought they were contained like we had some sort of plan if this happened, but this is a river! I'm not a bleeding-heart ecologist and I have more pressing things on my mind, but fuck me! If this gets into the ground water...well, that's it. We've already been playing crash-and-burn with this whole facility, but this is us pissing on the ashes as our final tribute to the whole community.

[edit] Episode 21

Freeman: [Sees a burning gas pipe] Wow, that looks hot. I want some marshmallows.
[Vortigaunts teleport in]
Freeman: [Shooting the Vortigaunts] What the hell are you looking at? I don't have any marshmallows and even if I did I wouldn't give any to you! They're MINE! Everything's MINE!
[Gordon takes a few steps forward, and the catwalk he's standing on collapses.]
Freeman: AHH! Well this facility's not mine. I thought I wanted it but now I don't.
Freeman: [Gets shot at by by HECU soldiers.] What the fuck? For the umpteenth time, I'm not an alien! [Returns fire.] Un-fucking-believable! And here I thought that they finally figured that out. That's what I get for giving people any credit! I saw them shooting the aliens and not me, for once, and I assumed that the military finally got it through their thick-ass skulls which targets they're supposed to shoot at! But no, no, no, no. [Makes dumb-sounding voice.] That's for smart people like me. [In normal voice.] I know it's obvious I'm a genius, but is everyone else really this stupid? I don't know, but I do know how to prove who's more dead between us.
Freeman: I hate you all so much...

[edit] Episode 22

Freeman: Look at this. I've never had any military training, so I don't know the correct procedure for these things, but if I saw my buddy run around a corner and get shot, then I saw my next buddy run around the same corner and get shot, I don't think I'd run around that same corner...but I use discretion. You're not allowed to have that in the military.
[after surviving a firefight with HECU marines]
Freeman: Man, if I get indicted once I leave here, this is getting harder and harder to explain. I don't think anyone's gonna buy a few dozen counts of self-defense with a submachine gun. I think there's kind of an unspoken rule in our society that if this many people are trying to kill you, you're supposed to be dead. I need to talk to an attorney. Maybe there's some sort of Rambo clause. But wait, Rambo goes to prison after the first movie. Fuck!
Freeman: Lasers! Lasers! Nothing good ever happens with lasers around here. So I'm just gonna not deal with that. That's my favorite solution to any problem. It's like the classic debate about why measuring the position of an electron changes its momentum and vice versa. The only correct answer is to get drunk and set fire to things.
Freeman: This is ridiculous. The soldiers should be the ones fixing the generator, not me. I'm doing their job, again. First I'm killing everyone for them, now I'm playing engineer.
[a Mawman surprises Gordon]
Freeman: You don't even have a job! You're a vagrant!
[after turning on the generator]
Freeman: Oh, my. That's bad. That must be a fuckton of voltage to jump like that. Maybe I can— [runs through the gap] —Nyaaah! God...yeah, I can't say wearing a suit covered in plate metal inspires confidence if that had hit me. I mean, Jesus. Most people hit by lightning survive, but that's because they're wearing rubber shoes and you can see where it exits. But if that hit me right now, the current would roll around in my body and exit through the top. My head would blow up like a baked potato wrapped in tinfoil. It would pop off like a Pez container. [looks around] I think I need to go the other way...Actually, if it wasn't me, it would be cool to watch if you got that on film. Your hair might catch on fire and it might look like that scene from Scanners, except this would be the real thing! Then you could sell it as a snuff film and make a bundle of money. I know buyers.
Freeman: I've brushed with Death so often, I should start giving him high-fives when I pass.

[edit] Episode 23

Freeman: Who's punching in Morse code? I don't speak Morse code! [shoots radio] So stop that, it's rude! They're probably talking smack about me on the radio.
Freeman: [fighting HECU marines] Screw this, I'm just gonna wait for them to come around the corner again.
[Grenade lands in front of Gordon]
Freeman: OH SHIT! [grenade explodes] Okay! Natural selection! The dumb ones are all dead, so the survivors are a little bit smarter!
Freeman: Yeah, it's strange. I thought I might start feeling weird about killing all these people, but really I don't. I think it's because they're all pricks and deserve to die. I'll make a speech at their funerals if someone wants me to. I have no problem with going up to a grieving widow, and telling her I'm sorry for her loss, but her husband was a rat-fuck meathead who tried to kill me for no goddamn reason, because he was too stupid to learn what the word "civilian" means. If I hadn't put him down, he probably would have come home later and strangled you in your sleep. And not in the kinky way either... I know how you base wives are.

[edit] Episode 24

Freeman: [After electrocuting a Gargantua] YES! I meant to do that! Big reptile-thing stomping around like they own the place. Well, that's how the dinosaurs went extinct: ME! The bigger they are, the cooler they are to kill.
Freeman: You know, I'm an expert on electricity, on the atomic level, anyway, and this, to me, looks like the power's on. A bit more dramatic than what I was expecting, but still, on. I'm going back up to that train room and finding out what the hell's going on here. That guard wasn't telling me the whole story. What he meant was "Hey, yeah! All you have to do is pump out all that bilge-water in the generator room, turn the power on to the generator, shoot everyone in sight, then come back around and turn on the DC generator, then go down to the storage room and roll a spool up here, then break out some pliers and electrical tape so you can lay down some HV cable, then just bust through a wall and wire up a new circuit, then do the same thing on the other end of the complex, and yeah, you'll have that train runnin' within the month!
Of course, the real tragedy is that I didn't bring a camera. If I had been taking pictures, I'd be ready the next time I had to sit through some family members' slideshow. I could whip it out and be like "Fuck you, your pictures suck! Look at mine: There's me blowing up some bipedal alien the size of a dump truck; Here's me shooting some troops because I'm hardcore, yeah, I think we're done here. You brought this on yourself"."

[edit] Episode 25

Freeman: [finds large concrete blocks stacked in front of the tram line, reverses tram] This reminds me back in high school where we had a driver's-ed class and the gym teacher was asking us which was more dangerous: crashing a motorcycle at 60 miles per hour into a haystack or crashing a motorcycle at 60 miles per hour into a concrete divider. He got mad and started yelling at the class when no one answered. [stops, moves tram forward] Okay! Time to end my tram-operating career! [Jumps off tram as it moves to ram the blockade] If I was a conductor, this is how I'd want to retire: just jump off and let the train speed away with everyone on board.
Freeman: [hears strange, otherworldy screams, stops tram] Wha—? All right, I'm not an expert in the field, but that sounds to me like the cries of the damned. I'm not where I should be. [starts tram again] I'm going to come across a bunch of dudes in robes chanting, making some sort of sacrifice with daggers. Then I'm gonna have to fight their summoned demon or whatever. Hey! Maybe that's the— [static bolt appears, close to Freeman] —Bwaargh! Maybe that's what I've been dealing with today. What I've been calling aliens, are really demons. Not that they can't be both, like how every square is a rectangle, but not vice-versa. Hey, are those boards blocking the track? [a set of buttress-like boards show up around the corner] Oh! That's a good sign! Is this thing gonna collapse when I move forward? Knowing our engineering, this may be made out of balsa wood.

[edit] Episode 26

Freeman: You know, some people might argue I'm only focusing on the negative, but I think that's because I can't think of one thing today anyone else has done right. All anyone has been doing today has been breaking things, running around screaming, shooting the wrong people, or dying. I mean, what am I supposed to say to people? "Wow, you sure did a good job falling down that elevator shaft!" Or "Way to lock yourself inside the freezer! I'm so proud of you."
Freeman: Okay, I see an alien and a dead body. I can put one and one together. [Shoots at the bullsquid] Actually, that's one and negative one. [Shoots again, killing it] Now it's negative two, and me. But wait, wouldn't I be number one? I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. See, this is why you have to define your terms. If you don't, people die.

[edit] Episode 27

Freeman: 'Tis true of the- [Hears a noise from behind him] What be that noise? Arr, these caves be haunted, says I. But livin' and dead alike shall bow before the great Cap'n Freeman.
Freeman: [Shoots a marine with a shotgun] Arr, the bloodlettin' be flowin' over. I shows no quarter to lubbers such as thee. Ye calls yerselves marines but mariners I says yer not. I bet none of ye could rig a bunt-gasket 'round a mast and jigger if yer lives were hangin' in the balance.
Freeman: Now what'a we have here? An anti-scurvy machine. [Headcrabs fall from the ceiling tiles] Shiver me timbers! [Shoots them] By the powers! There be all manner o' queer beasties in this hold! I cares not for 'em.
Freeman: [Speaking to a security guard] Ho thar, squire! What say ye to joinin' me crew? I gives ye my affidavi' I give ye yer cut of any loot we take.
Guard: Okay, why not?
Freeman: YA- [Is interrupted by the guard]
Guard: Didn't want to die alone anyway.
Freeman: YARR! That be the spirit! Let us charge forth and paint the walls red with blood!
Guard: I don't know if we should go any further, this doesn't look right.
Freeman: Quakin' in yer booties now, are ye? You yellow-bellied sapsucker! Just follow me!

[edit] Episode 28

Freeman: Arr, this scallywag be a right thorn in me side. Let it be known tha— [Begins coughing profusely] Eh, okay, that's enough of that. I've got another twenty years and a lot of whiskey-drinking before my voice sounds like that normally.
Freeman: [taking out a grenade when confronted with a soldier in a machine-gun nest] This sounds like a job for Ambassador Pineapple.
Freeman: So what's this...? [reads a message on the wall that says "SURRENDER FREEMEN"] Oh, shit. They know my name! Fuuuuuuuck, this changes everything. I can't just waltz out of here now, I'm wanted! Damn it, my beard betrayed me! They got an ID because I'm the only fucking scientist here with a beard! If I'd gone with that stupid Einstein hair, they wouldn't be able to pick me out from a line-up!
Freeman: [Freeman is shooting aliens as they come out of the room when the door suddenly closes] What the hell, did it just close the door on me? But I'm a great salesman! [runs into the room and shoots the aliens] Hi, I'm selling these fine used bullets! Free samples! [notices some dead marines on the ground, with their ammunition lying next to them] Oh, looks like you already have some from the looks of things. But then why is there no— [a headcrab jumps out of a corner and interrupts him] —Ah, the missus of the house! Try some of our product! [shoots the headcrab]
Freeman: What's this? [reads a message on the wall that says "YORE DEAD FREEMAN"] "Yore dead". Wow. I can't even make fun of that.
Freeman: [Freeman is pinned down behind a corner while a marine fires rockets at him] I don't like how liberal this guy is about firing rockets inside an underground tunnel. He's playing Chicken Little and doesn't even know it. [peeks around the corner and fires a few shots with his pistol, the marine fires back and he has to duck out of the way again] I don't think this guy has an architectural engineering, or even a geology degree, to accurately assess the load-bearing stress of rockets on this tunnel. [exchanges a few more shots with the marine, narrowly dodging another rocket] Rocky the Rocket Ranger... [they exchange shots again] God! See, I have to kill you before you kill yourself! And me!
Freeman: You know, everyone's always told me that I'm paranoid and I need to calm down, but guess what? I'm alive, and everyone who said that is dead. That's the ultimate proof that someone doesn't know what the hell they're talking about. "Follow my advice and you'll die just like me! Huh-heh!" I have the U.S. military spray-painting my name onto a wall, setting laser trip mines, and firing a fucking rocket launcher at me, and people have the gall to call me paranoid. Fuck them. Fuck everybody! Anyone who doesn't listen to me deserves the fate they get! I should kill everyone just on principle! [spots a vortigaunt and shoots at it] See, this is what I'm talking about! [kills the vortigaunt] "Aliens aren't invading, Freeman, you're just being paranoid." [kills another vortigaunt] "The mailman's not spying on you, Freeman, you're just being paranoid." [shoots a vortigaunt, and it runs off] What else... [the vortigaunt appears again and he shoots at it before it runs down another hallway] "There's no society of anthropomorphic frog people living in the sewer, Freeman, you're just being paranoid." [kills another vortigaunt] "Owls can't read your thoughts, Freeman, you're just being paranoid." [kills two more vortigaunts] Bet you wouldn't call me paranoid now if you were still alive. How about expecting five monsters to ambush me, is that paranoid?
Freeman: [when his tram automatically stops at a gate] I bet the controls are down that hallway, and there are a truckload of soldiers waiting to shoot me. I've done this dance before. They can keep the damn tram. I'm really not that attached to it. I'm not like those Jabba the Hutt bastards I see at Walmart scooting around in their motorized carts—I can walk!
Freeman:[walking down a tunnel] I am really bummed that they identified me though, that means I'm a fugitive now. So they've probably frozen my bank accounts. I need to get back to Massachusetts—I have about ten thousand dollars in gold buried in Harold Parker State Forest that I put there for exactly this kind of situation. Now, I didn't anticipate that I was going to get framed like this, I put it there that in case I got caught embezzling I would some sort of exit strategy, now granted, ten thousand will only get me so far here, but if I can get to India, I can live like a king with that kind of money, the American dollar goes a lot further there. [speaks in Hindi] I'm going to need a fake ID—I'll check in with Eddy once I get out of here. I think he will be able to hook something up with me. I'm going to need a car too, but that shouldn't be too difficult. I can just take some motorist hostage with my machine gun and drive to Massachusetts that way. Gonna be a long drive. [come across and large room with sandbags and machine gun emplacements] I hear soldiers, I'm not stopping here, and look! There's another gate with no switch, so there was no point in taking the— [gunfire erupts from behind Gordon] —Oh God!! [runs into the opposite tunnel] Good. Stay. That sounds like a heavier-caliber gun, and while I admit I am curious, I really don't feel up for another bullet-resistance test for this suit.
Freeman: A-ha! Elevator! Yes! [presses the button to activate the lift] Oh my God, it goes up and it doesn't even snap! This is amazing! [The elevator stops on the next floor, where several large crates of explosives have been stacked in front of the door way.] What...? Explosives...oh...I should think about this for a minute. [brief pause] You know, I'm really starting to think maybe this whole thing isn't a rescue operation.

[edit] Episode 29

Freeman: [after failing to reach a ledge] See, if I had a grappling hook I could just go "whoosh" up there, then "whoosh" up there. Really, you don't need a physics degree to grasp the concept, but the fact that I have one is just insult to injury!
Freeman: [holding a grenade while on an elevator where a stack of explosives are blocking his path] Well, I take a chance. If I'm gonna level this place, I'm not gonna be half-assed about it. I'm gonna do it right. I HAVE TO BLOW EVERYTHING UP! IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO PROVE I'M NOT CRAZY! [throws grenade behind the crates, then quickly sends the elevator to the next floor down] Okay, down, down, down, down, down, down! [loud explosion] Oh...boy...I didn't think this through very well. I can't keep rationalizing away everything like this, or I'm gonna die! [sends the elevator back up] Trinitrotoluene doesn't care what mood you're in.
Freeman: [upon seeing electricity arching into a wall] Why is it arcing straight into concrete? So, is my degree in electromagnetism wrong or is the world wrong?
Freeman: [after killing two soldiers who were hiding in a crate] What the fuck!? Did they just pop out of a box? Why were they in a box? That's Looney Tunes crap! Jesus! Well, they caught me off guard, I'll give 'em that. I wonder if that was their idea or if it came from off the chain of command. Yeah, I can envision some cigar-smoking general ordering this. [impersonating a stereotypical army general] Yeah! Just put two soldiers in a box! When the enemy approaches they just jump out! It's brilliant! [normal voice] I bet they're both named Jack, too.
Freeman: Maybe I should've taken the tram. I don't know. Then I could've just loaded it up with dead bodies and sent it forward. That would probably creep out everybody down the line. It would creep me out. If I was working in the lab and this cart of dead scientists just rolled in. It's a real conversation stopper. Yeah these goons write "YORE DEAD FREEMAN" on a wall and I send them a cart full of dead bodies. Who wins then? Psychological warfare worked for Vlad the Impaler. It can work for me too.
Freeman: Let's see what's over this way. [sees a long way full of lasers, electricity, and trip mines] Yeah, I'm not going this way.
Freeman: So, I guess I'll have to check out the— [sees a hiding zombie's arm] —Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho! What is that? Hell's coat rack! I don't think so! [kills zombie] Yeah! [is attacked by another zombie] AAH! DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE!! [shoots it multiple times even after it's dead] Okay...I think I got him.
Freeman: [impersonating a soldier] Well, here we are back in New Mexico on the laser corral roundin' up aliens so we can...Well, I don't know what we're gonna do with 'em. [looks at dead zombie] Space varmints!
Freeman:Okay, I'm going to pretend there's a world where not all glass is bullet proof. [smashes window with crowbar] Hey! Look at that. That's the power of imagination.
Freeman: Kind of sad though. Here, we have a giant underground complex with all these lasers, and instead of having a rave we're using them for evil.
Freeman: I'm going to kill all these people only to find out they were guarding some janitor's closet.
Soldier #1: All I know for sure is that he's been killin' all of my buddies.
Soldier #2: Oh yeah, he'll pay. He will definitely p—
Freeman: [kills them both before the soldier can finish] There, that's for trying to guilt-trip me! Yeah, the big bad Freeman. Of course, you guys didn't start shit!
Freeman: That security guy said this track would take me to the surface. Okay, now what was the long way to the surface?

[edit] Episode 30

Freeman: [approaching a blast door] Hey, a keypad! ...I don't know the code. I'll try some random numbers. [beeping] No? Okay, 1-3-3-7. [beeping] No... 1-2-3-4. [door opens] Ah-ha-ha! You know, as much as I'd like to claim this was the result of me being a genius, it's more that someone else was not.
Freeman: [standing behind an unalerted HECU marine] These guys sound pretty chill considering there were gunshots and an explosion outside not two minutes earlier. I guess it doesn't occur to them to investigate that.
Freeman: Hey, what's this do? [pushes button, blast shields cover window, room shakes] Uh-oh. Uh... maybe I shouldn't be pushing every button I see. [looking through window] Jesus Christ, I launched a missile! I'm not helping anything! [blinded by thruster] Ahh, my eyes! Gaze upon the fiery doom of this earth! [room stops shaking] So... I guess I just started World War III. It's been a busy day.
Freeman: [gazing out over the open desert after climbing a berm] Ah... that's right. I'm in New Mexico, aren't I? The middle of the desert. The middle... of the desert... Now that I think about it, the flight out here might have been longer than I remember. So, if I were to just pack it on foot, how far could I go? If I had food and water - which I DON'T - I could go twenty, maybe thirty miles in a day assuming the sun didn't beat me down - which it would. I really should have thought about this sooner.

[edit] Episode 31

Freeman: If there's one thing I've learned today, it's that missile launches are not like the movies at all. I thought there were all these procedures, two different people with special keys, a small crew of people to monitor all the systems... but no. It's just a big, red button that says "Launch." [gets shot by a sniper] Gaaaah! Where the fuck did that come from!?! [Sniper fires again, Gordon runs for cover] Yee! I GOT IT THE FIRST TIME!!
Freeman: Hmm. I just thought of a paradox. Maybe the more people I kill, the less likely I am to be the fall guy. Because sure, they could say I killed five or ten people, but can they really pin dozens and dozens of armed military personnel on me?
Freeman: [Attacked by HECU marines after his tram derails] New Yorkers talk like they're all big and bad, I bet they don't deal with half of this shit in the subway! [gunshots] I think if I ever hear someone complain about their commute again, I'm just gonna punch them in the face. My drive home is worse than yours!
Freeman: Anyway, my background doesn't fit the profile. No military training, never fired a gun, acquitted for petty theft, not a member of any extremist organizations, has a PhD in theoretical physics. Yeah, that sounds like our man!
Freeman: Alvin York killed dozens of people. And he was a hero! He didn't even want to, he was like me... am I a hero? Eh, I don't know. I don't think it's heroic if the only person you're saving is yourself.
Freeman: [While looking up at a large broken metallic structure of some kind] What the hell is that? It looks like a prison guard tower. I don't get it. This place makes no sense. [Submerges underneath the water, begins mumbling about something before coming back up to the surface] ...-it's unconstitutional... [Submerges again, continues mumbling]

[edit] Episode 32

Freeman: [surfaces for air in a flooded building after being underwater] Okay, don't panic, don't panic, don't panic...I'm sure there's minutes worth of air in this pocket. PANIC! [dives back into the water]
Freeman: Come to think of it, how much do I know about Black Mesa? We have toxic waste, loads of weapons, missiles, and now a shark tank. Am I working for a James Bond villain company?
Scientist: Did you see that?
Freeman: [surprised] Jesus Christ, I would have shot you!
Scientist: [regarding the icthyosaur] They said it was hauled from the Challenger Deep... but I'm positive that beast never swam in terrestrial waters until a week ago.
Freeman: It's a shark.
Scientist: There's a tranquilizer gun in the shark cage, but I'm not sure it would work on this species. You're welcome to try.
Freeman: Thanks, but I have a real gun. Tranquilizer... look, I appreciate wanting to preserve the specimen in the name of science, but if that thing gets out of line, I'm blowing its freaking head off. Oh, and hey, if anybody else comes by here, I need you to be a character witness for me. Don't fuck me on this.
Freeman: [chased out of a pool by an icthyosaur] FUCK YOU, FISH! Oh, it is on. You want to eat me? I'll give you something to eat. You think I work at SeaWorld, giving you free food all day? You're gonna have to pay for this meal. Come on up... I won't hurt you... come on up... sucker. [kills icthyosaur with shotgun] Yeah! Call me Ishmael, bitch!

[edit] Episode 34

Freeman: [after surviving a firefight with Black Ops] Well, this settles it. Black Mesa is a James Bond villain company. We have missiles, robots, lasers, sharks, and ninjas.

[edit] Episode Zero

Freeman: [Exits elevator and begins training] Looks like I'm the one stuck having to do training... ASS SLAPAGE.
Freeman: [Training in his HEV suit] The only reason I'm here is because everyone else on the team is too damned frail to do any physical activity whatsoever. So, because I can lift a box, I'm automatically the lab gofer.
Hologuide: Walk directly into the ladder, look up, and continue moving forward. If you want to come back down, just move backward.
Freeman: "To wipe your ass, first orient your hand behind yourself, then move it forward... or backward." Honestly, who doesn't know how to use a ladder? I mean, it's a LADDER! Somehow, I don't think this program is designed for the gifted.
Hologuide: Please start the lift by moving up to the button, looking at it, and pressing the 'use' key.
Freeman: Sure. You want me to press a button, I'll press a button. I can press buttons all day!
[Elevator rises and stops in empty space]
Hologuide: Now that you're up here, there's only one way down.
Freeman: Where?
Hologuide: Find the target on the floor below, and do your best to hit it.
Freeman: What?
Hologuide: If you take any damage from the fall, we will administer medical care at the next station.
Freeman: Is this a joke? They want me to jump from this height onto flat concrete? There must be a typo with the instructions or something that no one corrected. I could climb down, but they want me to hit that target. I'm not doing that, that's retarded! So... I guess I failed the "lemming" portion of the test, but hopefully that's not required to pass the whole course. Well, training's over! I think I'll get out of here and go take my lunch break. I'll just tell everyone I passed training. Nobody's going to check this.

[edit] Episode 35

Freeman: Ok people, listen up. Today we're talkin' about fermions. Fermions have a half integer spin. Not a full integer spin, those are Bosons.

[edit] Episode 39

Freeman: are you kidding, this is even worse than i expected!, this is something out of a cartoon!
Freeman: oh god, that just killed that space bug like an earth bug.
Freeman: Oh wow, my lucky day, this is a dream come true! when i was a kid and i went to see Santa Claus, i told him i wanted to be in a cage fight with these tiny fucking monsters jumping in my face, an i wanted the floor to be made of a giant crusher that could kill me in one quick motion, and the sides to be slanted so that if i slipped i'd immediately die! and now i have it all! what more could i possibly ask for!

[edit] External Links

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