The Venture Bros.

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The Venture Bros. is an animated cable television series created by Jackson Publick and written by Publick and Doc Hammer. It chronicles the adventures of two dopey teenage boys Hank and Dean, their mediocre "super-scientist" father (and former boy adventurer) Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture, and their secret-agent bodyguard Brock Samson.

Contents

Pilot[edit]

The Terrible Secret of Turtle Bay[edit]

The Venture family travels to New York City, where Dr. Venture is presenting his newest invention to the United Nations. Meanwhile, they are pursued by The Monarch and a mysterious ninja named Otaku Senzuri


The Monarch: Dr. Venture's legendary scientific curiosity will naturally get the better of him. And when he immediately drills open the cosmic mystery, he'll get a face full of men! My men!! Loyal footsoldiers of my war on everything and deadly! Just like the monarch butterfly of my namesake.
Henchman: What? Butterflies aren't deadly.

(Dr. Venture and the boys run into the hangar. Brock is wrestling with a mummy.)
Brock: Stay back! Another one of those mummies got stuck in our landing gear.
Mummy: Who dares to desecrate the sacred tomb of- oof!
(Brock kicks the mummy in the groin and then proceeds to beat him as the mummy protests.)
Mummy: Ow! Hey, hey! Wait a minute. (Brock breaks the mummys arm.) There's no reason to - aarghhh! (Brock delivers a karate chop to the throat.) Oof! Ow, oh, hey!
Hank: Holy toledo, he ripped on him!
Dean: Way to give him a little chin music Brock!
Dr. Venture: Well that ought to take care of tha-
Dean: Look, Brock still ain't done with him!
(Brock unzips his pants and preceeds to urinate on the mummy.)
Hank: That's showing him who's boss, Brock-O!
Dr. Venture: Was that really necessary?
Brock: You have to defile a mummy completely or they'll come back to life. You know that.

Hank: Ma Venture didn't raise no fools!
Dean: W-we don't have a mom, Hank.
(long, awkward pause)
Dean: Last one to the hanger's a rotten banana!
Hank: You're a rotten banana!

The Monarch: You see, just like the flawless monarch butterfly from which I take my name, The Monarch has many ways to sting.
Cabbie: (weakly) Monarchs... don't sting...

(Senzuri has just been discovered next to the Ooh ray)
General: He wasn't trying to steal it, he was masturbating like a teenager with a fast internet connection.
Hank: (puzzled) Mastur... what?
Dean: (equally puzzled) Like an evil master plan?

Prostitute: Okay big fella, you first. I charge you ten bucks for the gilded lily, twenty for the Roman holiday, fifty for the old Walrus 'n' Carpenter,and for seventy-five you can sleigh ride down Kilimanjaro.

UN Guard: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to turn in your weapon.
Dr. Venture: It's all right, soldier. Mr. Samson is my bodyguard.
UN Guard: Just the same, doctor. I'm going to have to confiscate it from you.
Brock: (growls furiously) Go ahead. (gives a horrible grin) Take it from me.
(Guard looks back to another guard, who shakes his head in absolute fear.)

Season 1[edit]

Dia de Los Dangerous![edit]

While in Mexico, where Dr. Venture is giving a lecture, the Venture family crosses paths with The Monarch, who believes that they are there to foil his latest plan.


Mexican University Administrator: ...your check, Dr. Venture. Muchas gracias.
Dr. Venture: Super good! Very generous of y-oh, pesos. Great. These zeros are all meaningless.

Dr. Guevara: I am sorry, Señor Venture.
Dr. Venture: Doctor.
Dr. Guevara: Sí?
Dr. Venture: No, ‘Doctor Venture'. What's Mexican for ‘doctor'?
Dr. Guevara: Doctor.

Dr. Guevara: I realize I am a Tijuana doctor, but even we have scruples. I could lose my license to practice…Mexican medicine.

Hank and Dean: Dad!
Dean: We knew you wouldn't let us down.
Hank: And just in the nick of time too - Monarch was gettin' all 'creepy uncle' on us.

Hank: (trying to pick a lock) Double dammit!
Dean: Hank, you said the double-d word!

Dr. Venture: (after being attacked by a frightening green creature) What the hell was that?
Brock: Chupacabra. They're all over Mexico.

Brock: How long can you live if you're not hooked up to him?
Dr. Venture: Oh, I dunno...a couple of hours? But they'd be awfully uncomf-- (Brock yanks out the tubes connecting Doc to H.E.L.P.eR.) GAH!

Hank: This place is tits!

Hank: Well, sure. H.E.L.P.eR. looks like a dried-out turd on a bad stretch of road.

Hank: What's your problem with our dad anyway?!
The Monarch: (awkwardly) Well, I- he- he's my nemesis. My archenemy.
Dean: I don't think pop thinks you're his archenemy.
The Monarch: Come on, I'm sure the walls of the Venture Compound are practically caked with the lingering curses of the Monarch's name.
Dean: Uhh, no. I've never even heard him mention you.
Hank: Yeah, I always thought Baron Ünderbheit was dad's arch-enemy.
The Monarch: (astounded) Ünderbheit!?! Why, that dime-store Doctor Doom isn't fit to -- just you wait til your father calls me back!!

Brock: You get the boys. I'll take care of these guys.
Dr. Venture: Are you sure? There's an awful lot of them.
Brock: (left eye twitching) They hit me with a truck.

[after his henchmen have kidnapped the Venture boys and brought them back to the lair]
The Monarch: But see, that's what I'm talking about! Now Venture'll send Samson after the rest of us, and he'll go totally sickhouse on our asses. I LIKE my ass, gentlemen.

Dr. Venture: [After waking up in a tub of ice with a note explaining that his kidneys are gone] "Oh! Not again! Wait a minute...One..." [Checks his other side] "Two... oh...This is serious."

The Monarch: All right which one of you sold The Monarch out? OK, OK I'm gonna turn around and close my eyes, and I want the guilty party to step forward. No judgments you won't be punished I just want to know who did it, OK.
[Cough]
The Monarch: Traitor! Dirty bastard traitor! I knew it was you, number ...
Dr. Girlfriend: 37.
The Monarch: Number 37! Strike him from the roster, Dr. Girlfriend.

Careers in Science[edit]

The Venture family must travel to space to repair an orbiting space station that Dr. Venture's father built in the 1970s, but a mysterious space phantom could be haunting the station! Things get even more intense as Brock's presence adds heat to an already tense romantic relationship between the station's two officers.


Hank and Dean: He started it!
Dr. Venture: No, I started it years ago in a moment of passion! And I'll end it the same way right here in front of Brock, H.E.L.P.eR., and God!

(Brock is piloting the Ventures' phallic ship into Gargantua-1's docking bay)
Lt. Baldavitch: Let's take this slow. It's my first time.
Brock: I'll be gentle. Now where do you want this hot rocket?
Lt. Baldavitch: Wow! That's a big one. Now, ease it in... good, just like that.
Dr. Venture: Uugh, ay-yi... uugh, Brock, can we speed this up? I really need to go number one, I'm serious.
Lt. Baldavitch: That's it! Keep going. Slow... slow... YES! That's it!
Brock: That's a tight fit.
Lt. Baldavitch: (sighs) It's like they were made for each other.
Dr. Venture: (annoyed) Yes, because they were, because they were both made by the same guy. Now can we finish this up please?
Brock: I'm almost there, brace yourself because it's gonna be... (trails off)
Dr. Venture: Oh, come on!

Dr. Venture: Oh sweet mercy, tell me these suits have a collection pouch.

Col. Manstrong: Sharky's Machine!

Dean: It's on!
Hank: It's off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: It's off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: It's off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: Off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: It's off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: Off!
Dean: It's on!
Dr. Venture: That's called 'blinking', boys...
Hank: "Now it's just regular on."

(after being rescued from being in space without a spacesuit)
Brock: Gonna...go...lay down...for a...second...

Brock: Oh yeah, the pain. It's not so bad. I hacked up some blood a couple of minutes ago and there was this pink chunk about the size of, uh... one of those little kiwifruit, but I don't feel anything missing, so I'm not too worried.

Hank and Dean: Phantom Space Man!

Col. Manstrong: So.. h-how was he?
Lt. Baldavich: How was who?
Col. Manstrong: Oh, come on! I shook his hand, it's all fat and stubby! He must have like a huge mushroom down there! So...does he have a Smurf living in it or what?
Lt. Baldavich: What's got into you?
Col. Manstrong: Got into me?! I know what got into you, and that's what got into me!
Lt. Baldavitch: You don't deserve to be jealous! I gave you every chance in the world!
Col. Manstrong: I'm not jealous! I'm pissed! You said you were going to wait til-!
Lt. Baldavitch: No! You said we were going to wait! I-I don't have to take this! (stomps away, shoving Col. Manstrong aside)
Col. Manstrong: That's because you already took it! In the...lap! From...not me!

Hank: I hate Phantom Space Man!

Lt. Baldavich: I don't have to take this!
Col. Manstrong: That's because you already took it ... in the lap. From ... not me!

Home Insecurity[edit]

When Brock goes on sabbatical, two of Dr. Venture's enemies clash over who gets the honor of killing him.


Brock: Bionic, huh? Let's see how bionic. (he kicks Summers in the testicles)
Steve Summers: (in agony) Ooof... right in my Cape Canaverals!

Brock: Wait a minute - I know you too. You're Steve Summers, astronaut.
Steve Summers: Former astronaut.
Brock: I thought you died.
Summers: That's what everyone was meant to think, though I was barely alive after my test ship broke up, but the army saved me. They spent six million dollars to give me all new bionic parts. Made me stronger, better, faster than I was. Then you know what they did? They put me to work! They expected me to pay it all back! Do you have any idea how long six million bucks takes to pay off on a government salary!?

Brock: You could've told me Sasquatch was a dude...
Steve Summers: Eh? What, you couldn't tell?
Brock: Not until I had to.. (shudder) ...shave him.
Summers: What are you, shy? Sasquatch doesn't have anything you haven't seen before.
Brock: (angrily) Sasquatch IS something I haven't seen before!

#24: When they closed the plant, there weren't a lot of jobs for me. All I got's a GED. It was either this or the army.
Ünderbheit henchman: In Ünderland, all citizens are required to serve in his lordship's infantry from the ages of 12 to 37. At 38, we are executed.
Random Monarch henchman: When I met the Monarch, I was hooked on crack cocaine. I get in all kinds of trouble. Monarch turned my life around. How 'bout you, why'd you join up?
#21: You guys kidnapped me when I was 15.

Hank: But Pop, you're bleeding!
Dr. Venture: Uh? Oh, this. Uh, no, it's fairly common for some men to lactate involuntarily in situations of extreme stress.
Hank: (pointing to Dean's wet pajama bottoms) Dean's lactating too!

Dr. Venture: Right now, G.U.A.R.D.O. doesn't know you or me from a squad of Snake People hopped up on PCP.

Hank: H.E.L.P.eR.'s done it.
Hank and Dean: Go Team H.E.L.P.eR.!

Hank: Yeah, but did you get the first aid kit?
Dr. Venture: I don't need first aid, Hank, I need you to stop choking me and hitting me with fire extinguishers.

The Monarch: (tastes a cup of soda and spits) What is this, diet? Why did you get diet?
Dr. Girlfriend: I didn't.
The Monarch: Taste this, then! (shoves the cup into Girlfriend's face)
Dr. Girlfriend: Okay, I might have grabbed the wrong bottle at the supermarket.
The Monarch: How do you do that!? How can you not tell the difference?! God, it's like having my Dad do the shopping!

The Monarch: Venture and I have been engaged in a deadly game of cat and also-cat for years!

Dr. Venture: What the hell are you smiling about?
Hank: (dreamily) Brock said I'm the man of the house while he's gone.
Dr. Venture: (annoyed) Oh, so you think you're a big man now, huh?
Hank: (uneasily) Uh, no... sir?
(Doctor Venture puts up his dukes and steps menacingly close to Hank)
Dr. Venture: Think you can take your old dad, huh? I knew this day would come! Go ahead, big man, take your best shot!
Hank: What... what do you mean, pop?
Dean: No! Stop it, you two! This family's tearing itself apart! (begins to cry)
Dr. Venture: You proud of yourself, big man? Look what you're doing to your poor brother.

Soldier 1: Who was that?
Soldier 2: Brock fucking Samson!
Soldier 1: No way! Dibs on his cigarette butt!

The Incredible Mr. Brisby[edit]

The Venture family steps into the middle of a suburban conflict when amusement park millionaire Roy Brisby presents Dr. Venture with a business proposal.


Hank: Dude, look! Elephants!
Dean: That's... (rummages through box of wildlife cards) "Loxodonta africana." You can tell which ones are the males because they're the only ones with tusks.
Hank: I got no problem tellin' which one's the male, bro. Check out the fifth leg on that beast!
Dean: It's called a "trunk."
Hank: It's called "you're a spaz", and that ain't what I'm talkin' about.

Hank: What are you, on the rag?
Dr. Venture: (exasperated) It's impossible for me to be on the rag, I'm a ... I can't believe I'm even arguing about this with you! What men's room did you pick up that kind of trash talk in? (the boys point at Brock, who shrugs)

Brisby: Welcome, Dr. Venture... to the funnest place on Earth! (he turns toward Venture, revealing his partially paralyzed face)
Dr. Venture: (horrified) Holy dammit Christmas!
Brisby: Does my appearance startle you, Dr. Venture?
Dr. Venture: (struggling to regain his composure) No, not at all. I -- as a man of science, I see all... kinds of things.

Brisby: Now that we've exchanged pleasantries and hot panda milk, Dr. Venture, let's talk business. I want you to clone me.
Dr. Venture: (caught off-guard) Cloning? (unconvincingly) I... wouldn't know anything about that, seeing as Congress has banned all cloning research in North America.

Dr. Venture: I- that's it! The deal is off! I don't care if you are rich, I don't have to take this crap from a gimp!

Dean: I spy a... um... (shuffling through cards) huh. I don't have a card for that one.
Hank: If you don't knock it off with the wildlife cards already, you're going to be spying my foot up your wow-hole, Dean. Seriously.

Dr. Venture: Brock? Thank God! His freakin' panda's trained to put me in a bag!

Dr. Venture: (resentfully) Your panda broke my glasses.
Brisby: We'll replace them at once. We have many glasses here. We have everything you need.
Dr. Venture: Where the hell is "here?"
Brisby: Your home for the time being. (dramatically) Welcome, Dr. Venture... to the Brisby-dome!
Venture: This is that ridiculous giant beehive next door to your study, isn't it? You knocked me out and put me in a bag to bring me fifty yards?!?

Dr. Venture: Ooohh! Ah ha ha, now I see. You know, it took me a minute, but I just got it.
Brisby: Got it? So you'll come aboard?
Dr. Venture: Oh, no no no. What I just got is that you're like a total jacked up freaky-deaky crazy pants!

Molotov Cocktease: You KILLED my FATHER!
Brock Samson: After you killed my partner.
Molotov: You took my EYE!
Brock: After you took...my heart.
(They pause, awkwardly, and kiss)

Molotov: NYET! You know I can only go to second base!
Brock: Still?! After all these years??!! Urrrgh! I thought the cold war was OVER!
Molotov: It's always cold in Siberia.
Brock: (Lighting two cigarettes, then smoking both at the same time) You want one of these? (Throws Molotov the pack, she lights one and smokes sexily)
Brock: GARRRRRRR! (Stabs his knife into the mattress and stands up with a giant erection) I gotta go take care of something.

Brock: You don't want to shoot me, boys. You know me. You know what I'll do to you if you do.

Eeney, Meeney, Miney... Magic![edit]

With some help from their new neighbors, Dr. Venture and the boys try to rescue Brock from one of Dr. Venture's inventions.


Dr. Venture: My son has it in his head that you were in our house last night and you... killed our robot.
Dr. Orpheus: The seed of your loins is quite astute. I saved your mechanical man from certain damnation. For his frail, electronic eyes had gazed upon the impenetrable! He was an unwilling beholder to the impossible!

Dr. Orpheus: By the crimson shame of Lord Valisinta, I command you...OPENNNNNNNNNN!!

Dr. Orpheus: It craves... purity... it devours... purity... it seems to be... What the hell is this thing made out of?
Dr. Venture: Nothing.
Dr. Orpheus: Come on...
Dr. Venture: Alright fine, I might have used a few unorthodox parts.
Dr. Orpheus: Just tell me one!
Dr. Venture: An... (mumbles)
Dr. Orpheus: A what?
Dr. Venture: An... orphan.
Dr. Orpheus: Did you say... an orphan!?
Dr. Venture: Yeah... a little.. orphan boy..
Dr. Orpheus: It's powered by a forsaken child!?
Dr. Venture: Might be... kind of... I mean, I didn't use the whole thing!

Hank: Dean that's great and I can't wait to hear all about it, only Brock's stuck inside Dad's thing that makes people happy. But it's all evil.
Dean: I dare you to make less sense.
Hank: I was on the floor and I heard everything! And I have a plan!

Triana Orpheus: So how come I never see you at school?
Dean: (with a hint of fear) I'm kind of home tutored in a box my pop made, (looks down with a more frightened tone) it sometimes gets very hot in the box... my pop made.
Triana: Wow. That's, um... that's screwy. (notices his face, which has gone blank) Crap, did I upset you?
Dean: (blankly) Penguins have a gland above their eyes that converts seawater to freshwater.

Dr. Orpheus: (note to Triana, recorded on answering machine) Greetings, pumpkin, I am at Mr. Venture's lab... to right that which is wrong and to repair the torn curtain OF TIME ITSELF!! There are four puddings in the fridge. You may enjoy the contents of one of them. Dinner at six.

Hank: So what super-cool adventure are we goin' on today? Should I get my SCUBA gear?
Brock: We're not goin' anywhere. Your father's workin' on this...thing.
Hank: SCUBA. SCUBA. SCUBA SCUBA SCUBA SCUBA SCUBA. Say SCUBA.
Brock: SCUBA.
Hank: SCUBA. It sounds funny. SCUBA.
Brock: SCUBA. Yeah it does.

Dean: Hank and I just woke up on the floor. We were playing Ouija, and a guy hypnotized us.
Dr. Venture: Dean...
Dean: With his magical Dracula powers.
Dr. Venture: Dean, I'm going to turn around now, and you'd better be on fire. You're standing there in flames, and the only person who can put you out is me, because that is the only conceivable reason that you would wake me up like this!!!

(Hank is rooting through Brock's tape collection)

Hank: What's this one?
Brock: "In Through The Out Door".
Hank: Can I put it on?
Brock: Rather you didn't. Zep sold out on that one. Besides...I've got memories attached to that record. Can we drop this please?
Hank: Is it because you killed a bunch of ninjas while it was playing, and so it reminds you of ninjas?
Brock: No, Hank...
Hank: How about frogmen? Does it remind you of frogmen?
Brock: IT'S A WOMAN!...The only woman I ever loved. Are you happy now?
Hank: (pouty voice) No...because you snapped at me.
Brock: You're alright, Hank. You know that? You're alright.

Dr. Venture: Heeey, if I pull this candle down, will it...?
Dr. Orpheus: ...get wax on my carpet? Yes.

Dean: Is your name Pumpkin?
Triana: No, it's Triana. Doesn't your dad have a nickname for you?
Dean: Well, I've heard him call me 'Dave' or 'Don' a few times, but I don't think they're nicknames.

Triana: Who's that big guy who's always washing his car in front of your place?
Dean: Oh, that's Brock. He's my dad's bodyguard. One time I saw him kill a guy with a sock full of party snaps!
Triana: (facetiously) Did the guy's head get blown off?
Dean: (proudly) Yes it did.

Dr. Orpheus: (in typically melodramatic tones) Evil has struck the House of Venture! The air reeks of an ill wind! Yea, though I have smelt it, that hath dealt it!

Hank: Morning, Brock. [Brock grabs him by the throat and lifts him off the ground, sees who it is and drops him]
Brock: Hank? You all right?
Hank: [hoarsely] I will be.
Brock: You have to stop sneaking up on me.
Hank: I just wanted to tell you [coughs] H.E.L.P.E.R.'s broken. Uh, Brock?
Brock: Yeah?
Hank: [still holding his throat] Is it okay if I cry?

Brock: Nice rescue, boys. You saved me from the only woman I've ever loved... with a hat that smells like a men's room... and we're still here.

Dr. Venture: (outside the bathroom with robe and towel) Dean, what the hell are you doing in there? I need to take a shower!
Dean: I'm practicing being a boyfriend, Pop!
Dr. Venture: (sidling away, horrified) Uh, never mind, Dean.

Ghosts of the Sargasso[edit]

Dr. Venture attempts to find one of his father's abandoned inventions on the sea floor, while a gang of fake ghost pirates board the ship.


Dean: Dad is super serious all of a sudden. Do you really think he's in as much danger as he says he is?
Brock: Oh yeah, he's screwed. I give him about an hour before he panics and begs for us to haul him up.
Dr. Venture: Okay, guys, I can hear all this!

Dr. Venture, Sr.: Ground control to Major Tom, your circuit's dead! Connection down! Can you hear me Major Tom? Can you hear me? MAJOR TOM!

(as Brock beats up the fake ghost pirate)
Pirate 1: Oh crap, he's getting his ass kicked, let's go save him!
Pirate 2: You crazy? My sword's made of cardboard.

Pirate Captain: Hey is that guy dead?
Brock: Yeah, probably.

Pirate Captain: You're not a very good liar, Dean, are ya?
Dean: Maybe...

Hank: Brock, if pirates really exist, I mean, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy could even be real, right? It's like, all bets are off!
Brock: Hank, nobody ever said pirates don't exist.
Hank: So you agree with me that this is impossible.

Brock: Hank, if there was ever a time in your life I needed you not to be Hank, it's now.
Hank: Uh, sorry, Brock.

Brock: Focus, Hank! Whatever you do, don't light a cigarette. A good sniper can see a hot cherry for miles.
Hank: Brock, I don't smoke!
Brock: Good. Now's a lousy time to start.

(Brock is chained up, and talking to Hank through his communicator watch)
Brock: After the twist, you'll feel a snap. Then the body goes ragdoll on ya.
Hank: And that will knock him out...even more?
Brock: That'll kill him.
Hank: Do I have to?
Brock: Alright fine, crybaby. Just tie him up and, maybe I guess gag him. But at the first sign of trouble I want you to at least break both his knees.

Jeanie: Tom, it's your wife, sweety. You're dead now – it's time to go.

[Dr. Ventures has just encountered the ghost of Major Tom]
Dr. Venture: [shivering under a blanket] His eyes! Crazy eyes! Accusing me!
[a pirate hands him a warm drink]
Dr. Venture: Who are you?

Hank: Alright Brock, I know this sounds crazy, but just hear him out.
Pirate Captain: Guuhhm. Can we have a ride home?
Brock: What?
Dean: Noooo. Do it like you said you were gonna.
Pirate Captain: (sigh) I'm really, really sorry about this whole mess, and, you know, the whole pirate thing is behind me now, and... plus, you kinda killed Steve, and burnt my ship. So, if you could give us a lift out of here I figure we'd just call it squaresies.
Brock: (sigh) Alright.
Hank and Dean: Go team Venture!
(the pirate captain looks at Brock)
Brock: I don't know, they just do that.

Pirate Captain: (having mistaken Brock for Dr. Venture) Your dad has a bodyguard? Why would he need a bodyguard? The guy's a tank.

Dr. Orpheus: Do you have a pen?
Hank: To use as a magic wand?
Dr. Orpheus: To use...as a pen, Hank.

Dr. Venture: (recording an entry in his journal) Oh yeah, I lost my locator, and yes, I realize the irony of that.

Dr. Venture: Cancel the mission abort command! Re-bort, do you copy?!

Brock: Now, I want you to put your hand around your throat, Hank.
Hank: Uhh...alright.
Brock: That tube you feel is your trachea. Think of it as a handle. Your thumb is on your carotid artery, that's your button. Now remember, grab the handle, push the button. Repeat that back.
Hank: (gasping) Grab the handle, push the...
Brock: Let go of your own throat, Hank.

Pirate 1: We need that key that starts your boat Mr. Big Stuff. Lets have it.
Brock: It's up my ass!
Pirate 2: Are you serious?
Brock: Why don't you check.
Pirate 2: (looks at his partner) Well? Check.
Pirate 1: What if he's lying?
Pirate 2: If he were telling the truth, that would be better?

Ice Station – Impossible![edit]

Dr. Venture begins a new job working for his former professor, while Brock encounters an old friend who has a deadly warning.


Pete White: It's like wearing nothing at all. Like a second skin.
Dr. Venture: Ummm, you've got a little something brown on your nose.

Dean: Brock, I think I figured out why the plane crashed: There were skeletons driving it! (points to the charred remains of the pilots)

Hank: Cool! I'm not going to explode anymore. And plus - free invisible mom.
Hank and Dean: Go Team Venture!

Prof. Richard Impossible: There's a reason Ned's boots have velcro instead of laces, honey.

Brock: (examining Race) Race Bannon... those bastards killed him!
Hank: Those kids? Damnit! We let 'em go!

(to the boys' disgust, Race Bannon's corpse defecates itself)
Brock: Yeah... they never show that part on TV.

Dr. Venture: (stranded in the Arctic) If this is about what I saw, I won't tell anyone!
Prof. Impossible: (stretches himself to the flying car and flies off) I know!

Dr. Venture: (after being stranded in the Arctic by Prof. Impossible) ...I CHEATED ON MY DAMN MID-TERMS!

Hank: Brock, I've thought a lot about it and if we can't get the antidote in time and it comes down to it, I... well, I want you to be the one to kill me.
Brock: Don't talk like that Hank, we're gonna find...
Hank: PROMISE ME, Brock!
Brock: Okay.
Hank: Promise?
Brock: Yes, I promise.
Hank: Super-swear?
Brock: (growing annoyed) YES, Hank.
Hank: (after a brief pause) Hey, Brock?
Brock: Yeah?
Hank: How would you do it?
Brock: (without hesitation) You're asleep, quick jerk of the neck, never feel a thing.
Hank: You've thought about this.
Brock: Yes, I have.

(his jumpsuit having fallen apart, Dr. Venture is wandering naked through the snow)
Dr. Venture: Oh, great, Venture! Thousands of square miles of empty arctic wasteland and you somehow manage to step in the one spot of yellow snow!

(Prof. Impossible has drawn a weapon to shoot Hank)
Master Billy Quizboy: Professor, no offense, but that's just crazy! Violence isn't the answer. This is a think tank; we're the most powerful minds on the planet! Let's act like it!
Pete White: Billy's right. We can create an antidote if we work together!
Prof. Impossible: (pauses for a second to contemplate) Nah, my way's safer.

Mid-Life Chrysalis[edit]

Dr. Venture is determined to reinvigorate his social life, and Brock finds out that he must renew his license to kill.


[The Venture family, trying to get to Marrakesh, are grounded by two fighter pilots]

Pilot: Are you aware that you're plane is unregistered and you failed to file a flight plan?
Dr. Venture Don't you people have anything better to do than to harrass a couple of people trying to get to Marrakesh?
Pilot: Stow it, grandpa. I was talking to the big guy.
Dr. Venture: Grandpa?! I have you know--
Pilot: I'm not gonna tell you again.
Brock: It's alright, soldier. I have clearance. [Hands pilot his CIA card] I'm with a secret branch of the government.
Pilot: [looks at license] Sir, this license expired six months ago. [Hearing this, Brock freaks out. Dr. Venture stands next to him, annoyed]
Dr. Venture: Fine, but when Marrakesh is overrun by mutant lizard people, don't come crying to me.

Dr. Venture:Crap, who am I kidding? My looks are going down the toilet faster than an unwanted pregnancy on prom night.

Dr. Venture: So, I guess this is goodbye. I will remember these last few days with you as the happiest of my life. Well except for the caterpillar part, I mean.

Agent Tester: Well, let's see here Mr. Samson. On the driving portion you totaled every car but the one you were driving. On the pistol range you refused to use a gun, and, oh, ha, here's my favorite, on the written you drew the little guy with wings from the Led Zeppelin records.
Brock: Icarus. So, uh, what are trying to tell me here, little man, that you don't like Zep? [Tester stands and rips the written portion in half]
Agent Tester: My father is General Treister. You saved his life. The man spoke of you as a god. [pause] And you did not disappoint.
Brock: Oh yeah. I used to babysit you.

Dean: Hear that? I'm in charge. And I think it's just about little Hanky's bed time.
Hank: Oh, take a bow. [Hits him in the crotch]
Dean: Yahtzee!

Bartender: [To Brock] You got it, ape-drape. [Brock growls] A bud for captain mullet head. [Brock begins to draw his knife]

Bartender: [as Brock leaves] Leavin' us so soon, hockey hair? [Brock represses a scream because he isn't allowed to kill him]

Agent Tester: This test will, uh, test your proficiency with firearms, you'll have two min-
Brock: Uh uh. No guns. I don't use guns.
Agent Tester: The nine millimeter Glock is standard issue to all agents in the field. You're required-
Brock: Guns are for sissies.

Hank and Dean: Hey Brock!
Brock: Go to bed. [walks past the door dejectedly, then walks back in] Why would you dress like that? [Dean is in his underwear with a number of socks wrapped around his head]
Hank: Dean lost a bet, and now he's my slave, and he's refusing a direct order to drink this!
Brock: You never welch on a bet, Dean. Be a man. Drink it. [Hank is offering some green liquid with various substances floating in it] Go to bed. You're father's gonna be... coming... [leaves mumbling dejectedly]
Dean: Brock looks like hell.
Hank: Drink it.

Dr. Venture: No. No no no. Bad robot! Bad H.E.L.P.E.R. We don't do that. [H.E.L.P.eR is eating test tubes] We do not eat test tubes! Come here! [H.E.L.P.E.R. backs away] I'm not playing games here. [A hole burns through H.E.L.P.eR's stomach] What, you don't feel well now? Well, what did you expect? You're mixing acids and bases there.

Dr. Venture: So I said, "Listen, my Dad invented UNIVAC, so I think I would know!" Well, that uppity little T.A. didn't give me any more trouble the rest of the semester.
Dr. Girlfriend: [forces a laugh] You dog, you.

Hank: [hands Brock a tiny lunchbox] I packed a lunch for you. Bologna and cheese. And I cut the crusts off the way I like.
Dean: And I downloaded a bunch of crib notes into your communicator watch. You get stuck on one of the hard questions, just look it up.

Dr. Venture: What you are about to see is a nightmare, inexplicably torn from the pages of Kafka!
(he emerges from under the sheets)
Hank: Holy crap! What happened?
Dr. Venture: Apparently this is the reward I get for years of screwing with super-science. In short, I pissed in God's eye, and he blinked.

Dean: No worries, Brock. I'll walk you through the written portion. Question 1: You're in Prague. A sniper's in the window above you. There's an alligator behind you, and a grizzly bear in front of you. What do you do? Do you-
Brock: Back somersault, pry off the alligator's jaw, use it as a boomerang to take out the sniper. When he falls out the window, the grizzly'll go straight for the easier meal.
Dean: Uh... the answer's C.

[Brock is doing push ups, Hank steps on his back]

Hank: You're nothing! You're weak! Why do you even wanna be a secret agent, boy? You think you're good enough?
Brock: [stops] Hank, seriously, when I get my license back I'm allowed to kill you.
Hank: Oh. [Hurriedly removes his foot] Sorry, Brock.

Brock: [He eyes a glass of raw eggs that Hank has given him] Did you spit in this?
Hank: Don't eyeball me, Samson! Drink it!

[Hank and Dean are wearing girlie exercise outfits]

Hank: Come on Brock, you need strong cardio-vascular agility training!
Brock: [pause] No.

Dr. Venture: You don't need a license for operation "Get Me Some".

The Monarch: Tell him you're going out with the girls tonight or something, I don't care!
Dr. Girlfriend: He's not buying it.
The Monarch: Ooo, I know! Tell him you think it's moving too fast.

(a stripper performs for Brock and Dr. Venture)
Dr. Venture: She's looking at me, what do I do?
Brock: Give her five bucks.
(Venture clumsily puts the bill into the stripper's thong but fumbles for change)

Dean: Don't worry, Brock. You'll be able to kill guys again in no time!

Brock: Little worried about that hickey, Doc. [Dr. Venture's is halfway covered in swelling redness]
Dr. Venture: Oh, Brock, don't worry. I'm not falling in love!
Brock: That's not what I-
Dr. Venture: And what would be wrong with that if I was? The boys need a new mommy. Rusty needs a new mommy.
Hank: We don't even know who our old mommy was.
Dr. Venture: Oh, that's right. I've never really told you about her. Well, she was- [horn honks outside] That'll be Charlene! Gotta run, boys! Don't stay up too late!!

Dr. Venture: Oh, you're back! You didn't miss much. Oh, one of them [the strippers] was dressed like a cheerleader and said she was 19, but she had a Caesarean scar and her face had more lines on it than a mirror at Studio 54.

Dean: Well, I scored your sample test, Brock, and well, you did better than Hank did, but let's just say you'll have to do awfully well on the physical portion.
Hank: No problem. Your training begins now! [takes Brock's dinner and gives him a glass of eggs] Drink up! Your ass is mine, Samson! When I get through with you, you're gonna eat lightning and crap thunder!
Dean: Looks more like he's gonna drink eggs and crap....eggs.

Dr. Venture: Grandpa. How dare they! I'm only 43. I'm still a young man. Maybe a little frayed around the edges, but who wouldn't be between my work and raising two boys?

Bartender: Hey, if it isn't Frankenmullet. What can I do you for? [Brock slaps his new liscense to kill on the bar. The bartender turns, looks at it, and Brock launches over the bar at him]

Are You There, God? It's Me, Dean[edit]

The Monarch has the Venture family right where he wants them, but a sudden medical emergency delays his wrath.


(Brock, Hank, Dean, and Dr. Venture are hanging over the Amazon River)
Brock: Take your time, Monarch, because the minute you finish your little speech, I'm going to kill you.
The Monarch: What are you, Obi-Wan Kenobi? Just look at you shmucks, I don't think I'm the one in danger here, considering the sad fact that right below you flows the mighty Amazon, teeming with the most gruesome fish to ever--
Hank: The piranha.
The Monarch: No.
Hank: The shark?
The Monarch: No!
Hank: (pause) The piranha?
The Monarch: NO!! And shut up! This isn't a quiz. Now where was I... right! The dreaded Candiru, a naughty little fish with a penchant for swimming up a man's urethra, to feed on the damaged tissue of the pitiful mass of flesh you once called your PENIS!!

Dr. Venture: Did you lift anything heavy?
Dean: (in extreme pain) I told you, it's not a hernia.
Dr. Venture: Were you roughhousing with your brother?
Dean: Nooo.
Dr. Venture: (suddenly, in horror) Oh dear god... You two haven't been... experimenting with inappropriate touching-
Dean: No! Gross!
Dr. Venture: I know you've been seeing a lot of that little tramp who lives next door. Lord knows what kind of diseases that hussy carries.
Dean: (groans, still in acute testicular pain) It's getting worse!
Dr. Venture: Dean, I don't want you hanging around with Triana Orpheus any more. I don't approve of the way she dresses! Girls like that are usually on the dope. (gasps) Dean! Have you been shooting dope into your scrotum?! You can tell me! - I'm hip!
Dean: Daa-ad!! Why are you doing this?! I don't know what I did!! Suddenly it just felt like someone kicked me in the rocks, and- and they never took their foot away!
Dr. Venture: Alright Dean, you're going to have to pull down your pants. I have to palpate the region.
Dean: Please dad! Please, please, please don't feel me up!
Dr. Venture: I'm going to palpate, Dean. This isn't any fun for me either. Do you want me to get H.E.L.P.eR. to do it? Is that better for you? A doddering old robot with cold, steel claws. Is that what you want?
Dean: Ahhhuh!!I want a doctor!!

The Monarch: Dr. Girlfriend, would you come over here with me for a moment.
Dr. Girlfriend: (oblivious to the situation) Oh I guess the muscular one is alright, but the boy is just going too far. Can't we just use the puppet again?

Master Billy Quizboy: Alright, let's see them.
Dean: I don't want to show my junk to a little boy.
Dr. Venture: Oh, come on!
Dean: You said you wouldn't look!
Dr. Venture: I'M NOT LOOKING! Billy, fess up to the boy. He's been pulling that "Boy Genius" crap for at least the 20 years that I've known him.
Master Billy Quizboy: Well, nobody is that impressed with "Master Billy Quizboy ADULT Genius."
Dr. Venture: Like a speech impediment and growth hormone deficiency qualifies you as a "BOY Genius."
Pete White: Don't forget the huge head!
Master Billy Quizboy: Hey! I copped to it! Now you guys are just ganging up on me! Can we just do this please?

#24: Come on! They have one female servicing a large group of males. That implies a species that lays eggs.
#21: Oh my God, you're crazy! They're so obviously mammals!
#24: Please! She'd be in estrus 24/7 if she didn't lay eggs.
#21: Smurfs don't lay eggs! I won't tell you this again! Papa Smurf has a fucking beard! They're mammals!

Dr. Venture: Well, what happens if we wait?
Master Billy Quizboy: That's not so good. My guess is that in a couple of hours, your son's testes are going to die, then atrophy.
Pete White: Think raisin, or better yet, you know when you're eating peanuts, and you crack one open and the little nut is all dark and crammed into one corner...
Master Billy Quizboy: You're finished, right? As for untwisting them, I don't know which way they spun.
Pete White: Unless you're that guy from INXS and that's, like, your thing, the pain would be excruciating.

Dean:Hank! I had my pubes shaved. I'm gonna put them under my pillow for the tooth fairy!
Hank: Did the doctor see that creepy dog dork of yours?
Dr. Venture: Hank, don't brag to your brother about your circumcision.

#24: Boss, there's a monster down here!
#21: I think it was two ninjas taped together to make one giant ninja!
#24: I saw it climb the wall, it was a giant spider!

The Monarch: Hank. Hank! I am your real father!
Hank: No way. No way, that's not true!
The Monarch: Psyche!! Ha, sucker! You were all (mimicking) "Oh daddy, you're my daddy!" You are so gullible! What is that like?!

(Hank is looking at a list of supervillains in a Guild of Calamitous Intent handbook)
Hank: Man, this is the coolest book ever! There's a guy in here who guards his headquarters with robot cheetahs!
The Monarch: Oh yeah, the Zoo Creeper. Oh, hey, am I in there?
Hank: Ummmmmm, nope.
The Monarch: M, for (shakes fist, intimidating glare) MONARCH!!
Hank: Uh-uh.
The Monarch: Try T, for (same fist-shaking and intimidating glare) THE MONARCH!!
Hank: Hmm, nothin'.

Hank: I had to sleep in my clothes. Now I feel gross wearing them two days in a row!
The Monarch: You're kidding me, right? That's the only outfit I've ever seen you in!
Hank: Well, that doesn't mean I never wash it.
The Monarch: Fair enough. Number 27! Get the kid a change of clothes! (Looking at Brock) How 'bout you? You ok?
Brock: I didn't sleep in my clothes.
The Monarch: 27! Burn his sheets!

Brock: You scream, I'll break your neck, you understand me? (Dr. Girlfriend nods, and Brock takes his hand from her mouth)
Dr. Girlfriend: You're going to take advantage of me, aren't you? (removes the bedsheets to reveal herself in lingerie) Well, be quick with it!
Brock: To be honest with you, I never really considered that.
Dr. Girlfriend: Why not?
Brock: Just didn't.
Dr. Girlfriend: (obviously disappointed) Well, I'm not gonna beg.

Brock: Why haven't you tried the world domination thing? You scared of the big leagues?
The Monarch: Please, how stupid do I look to you? World Domination. I'll leave that to the religious nuts and the Republicans, thank you.

Tag Sale – You're it![edit]

To raise cash, Dr. Venture holds a yard sale to sell old inventions made by both him and his father.


Mr. One: Gentlemen, this is quite possibly the hottest situation most of you will ever be involved with. If any of you have any fears about death, any second thoughts about that beautiful new wife of yours screwing every guy you hate because you left her a widow, now is your chance to leave.

Dr. Orpheus: Oh, it must be dreamy to have a costumed nemesis. Chasing you... wringing his gloved hands in concern of your every move.
Dr. Venture: You're kidding, right?
Dr. Orpheus: It just seems so romantic.
Dr. Venture: Oh sure, it looks all glamorous from the outside, but really it's a huge pain in the ass. They send robots into your lab, break everything, and does my insurance policy cover arch enemies? No.
Dr. Orpheus: I'm jealous! There, I said it.
Dr. Venture: If you want one so bad, take one of mine.

#21: Here is where you are wrong, my friend. This woman has killed before.
#24: Allegedly.
#21: Okay, whatever. But she was a big girl. We are talking about a large, healthy woman of questionable stability.
#24: Oh, you are totally underestimating the never-say-die scrappiness of a survivor.
The Monarch: Hey, guess what? Nobody cares who would win in a crazy fantasy fist-fight between Anne Frank and Lizzie Borden.

The Monarch: With every fiber of my being I stab at thee, as long as blood flows through this heart I will hunt you down. I will be the stuff of your children's nightmares.
Dr. Venture: What's he doing now?
Dean: He's making his dramatic exit.
Dr. Venture: (sigh) This could take all night, I'm gonna get Brock.
Hank: I think he's almost done.
The Monarch: And then, when nothing can be heard but your cries of agony, I will pull the chain and let the beast devour you. Mark my words: I will have my revenge, DR. VENTURE!

Dr. Girlfriend: Sweetie, isn't that the guy from Depeche Mode?
The Monarch: Oh no, wait, where? Holy crap, he's with a girl!
Dr. Girlfriend: Oh yeah, that guy is totally straight. I saw a whole thing about him on the VH1.
The Monarch: But he's the guy from Depeche Mode. That's impossible!
Dr. Girlfriend: Straight!
The Monarch: Come on! He's in Depeche Mode!

Mr. One: (indicating Brock to the rest of the team) This is Agent Samson. You will know him and refer him only as Team Leader. His whim is your command. If he tells you to put on a dress and dance... I'd better see those moneymakers shakin! Am I understood?

Brock: You have some dangerous machinery for sale here. I think you're begging for trouble on this one.
Dr. Venture: I thought you handled all that. And I don't hear any big ideas from you on how to get some quick cash. C'mon, most of this stuff is old crap my dad left behind.
Brock: (exasperated) DOC! You have a table over there with a sign that says "laser death ray bargain bin"!
Dr. Venture: (dismissively) Well, that's why you have your little ska band there, to keep the oddballs in costumes from raising Cain.

The Monarch: (needing to go to the bathroom) Oooh, wow. That hoagie went right threw me.I need to make a desposit at the bank, so to speak.

(Dr. Orpheus wordlessly approaches The Monarch, slaps him across the face, and magically sets his shoes on fire)
The Monarch: (shocked, stamping out the fire) You dick!
Dr. Orpheus: Doctor Orpheus did this! To exact proper retribution, (he produces a business card with a flourish) you can find me at this address! (as an afterthought) Nights only.
The Monarch: What? What did I do?
(The Intangible Fancy, an ethereal, ghost-like villain, appears behind The Monarch)
The Intangible Fancy: When the sun sleeps... the wolves begin to howl.
The Monarch: (bewildered) What the hell is going on here? Did somebody put a sign on my back or something?

The Monarch: (after using the Venture household restroom) Honestly, what kind of jackass leaves every door unlocked? I'm not going to flush. Let them see the wrath of the Monarch!

The Monarch: (finally inside Dr. Venture's laboratory) Oh my god, look at this place. It's like a museum of failure.
Dr. Girlfriend: It's almost depressing.
The Monarch: Here I am, in the belly of the beast, and I don't even care. (indicating a gadget nearby) I don't even feel like taking a whiz on this. I used to DREAM of taking a whiz on this!
Dr. Girlfriend: So I guess...we're not gonna...
The Monarch: What can I do to this guy that life hasn't already? I almost feel sorry for him.

Past Tense[edit]

Dr. Venture and Brock are kidnapped while attending a funeral, and the boys turn to the original Team Venture for help.


Dr. Venture: Why is it every time I need to get somewhere, we get waylaid by jackassery?

Dr. Venture: Is my tie on straight?
Brock: Yeah. Can't really miss with a clip-on.

(Venture just revealed that, in college...)
Hank: Wait! You lived with BROCK?? That is so unbelievably cool!
Dean: No wonder you guys are such super pals!
(Brock just sits expressionlessly)
Dr. Venture: Actually... back then we didn't see much of each other...
(dorm flashback: Venture is laying awake in his bunk. Brock's bunk above his is squeaking, bouncing up and down furiously, accompanied by Brock grunting rhythmically and a young woman moaning)
Dr. Venture: We had very different schedules... always coming and going... at... different times...
Pete White: Wait, tell 'em who really won the roommate lottery that year.
Dr. Venture: Oh, God, don't remind me.
Pete White: Okay, so the university sticks me with this exchange student, (switch to college) but check it out, he's, like, a prince or something. His parents sent him a care package last week for his birthday. You know what he got? A personal slave. The poor guy sleeps in my closet. Speak of the dickweed. Hey, Werner.
Dean: Baron Ünderbheit!!!
Pete White: (back to present) Yeah. You told 'em?
Dean: No, Baron Ünderbheit is right there!
Hank: Holy crap! Brock, kick his butt!
Brock: Relax, boys, he's not gonna do anything. It's hallowed ground.
Hank: So what was he (Baron Ünderbheit) like in the olden days?
Pete White: Well, except for the metal jaw, pretty much the same—total dick.
(dorm flashback: Ünderbheit and White arguing near door of Venture's room)
Baron Ünderbheit: The tape is on the floor for a reason, Peter! Your things belong on your side of the room and don't think I haven't noticed that you moved it to make your area larger. If you cannot obey the simplest of rules...
Pete White: Yeah, well, you don't make the rules, fella. You might be a big shot in your own country but around here you're just a kid with the weirdest-smelling lunch.
Baron Ünderbheit: ARRRRRRGGGGHHH! Very well! Then you leave me with no choice but to take this up with the R.A. at the next floor meeting. Come, man-servant.
(Ünderbheit leaves)
Dr. Venture: Who cuts his hair, the Incredible Hulk?
Pete White: What, did he walk into the barbershop and say, "what can you do to make me look more like Pete Rose?"
Mike Sorayama: Hey, what's wrong with his hair? I have, like, the same haircut.
Dr. Venture: Yeah, but you're Chinese, your people can't be blamed for what your hair does.
Mike Sorayama: I'm Japanese, jerk-off. But yah, that's so true. At least I don't have his eyebrows.
Dr. Venture: You wanna see eyebrows, come to my Creative Writing class. There's this kid, no joke, they're out to here, and the weirdness doesn't stop there. All he writes are these way-too-specific poems about monarch butterflies. Total closet case!
Hank: (present) Okay, this is getting nuts. You're not gonna tell me that you went to college with the Monarch too! Where did you guys go, Super Crazy No-Way School?!

Col. Gentleman: Careful Lad. Those hands of his are strong enough to crush a boulder. Yet delicate enough to crush a butterfly.

Brock: You made Leslie Cohen robots? Jeez.
Sorayama: Yeah, I think I did a pretty good job.
Pete White: Sure, but why would you do that, fella?
Baron Underbheit: To have sex with, Pete. I think that obvious. The man was obsessed with her in college
Rusty: So? He was obsessed with Coco from Fame the year before.

Pete White: (on the radio): You're listening to the White Room. I'm your host, the evah-populah Pete White. This next one's a dedication to Leslie Cohen from her little buddy Mike Sorayama. And he writes "Leslie, I masturbate furiously to your picture every night. Please notice me. Love, Mike."

Brock: You did this. You did this, didn't you? (he attempts to charge Ünderbheit, nearly strangling Venture)
Baron Ünderbheit: (sarcastically) As usual, your detective skills are impeccable, Samson. You succeeded in exposing my sinister plan to lock myself in a dungeon, chained to an albino.

Dr. Orpheus: (grabbing Action Man's hands and concentrating for a moment) Two years, seventeen days.
Action Man: What?
Dr. Orpheus: From a stroke. GOOD DAY!

Col. Gentleman: Despite his racial handicap, Kano here is a crackerjack pilot. Why, he could land her on a puffin... or a smurf!!

Pete White: Oh for Pete's -- for my sake!

(Action Man farts)
College Student: (after a brief pause) Dude, you beefed.

Dr. Venture: Oh, come on! You're gonna kill me because I had fake sex on graph paper with a girl who barely spoke to you in real life?

(the group looks at Sorayama's corpse)
Brock: Huh. So he really did die.
Dr. Venture: So what, he programmed his robots to hate us too?
Brock: (shrugs) I guess.
Venture: Well, that makes about as much sense as anything else today. So what do you say we get out of here before he starts to stink?

Brock: (in flashback, packing up his belongings and talking to a sullenly quiet Thaddeus Venture) Sorry, man, I don't know what came over me. Anyway, they cut my scholarship, so I'm outta here. Gonna join the army. (he pauses in the doorway, causing Venture to cower abjectly) Oh, yeah. Someone from, uhhh... "Venture Industries" called while you were at the infirmary. Your dad died. Later.

The Trial of the Monarch[edit]

The Monarch is finally on trial, though it may be for a crime that he didn't actually commit.
Statue of Olee Jemeema: Oooooh! My arm came off! I can't believe that happened!

The Monarch: While you were wasting your time castrating a priceless antique, I was systematically feeding babies.... to hungry mutated puppies!

Watch: Sovereign, many of our operatives are in place. We await your orders.
Sovereign: Good, Good... Let us proceed to stage five.
Watch: It shall be done.
Watch: (turning to Ward) Great, way to make me look like a tool! What are you doing back there?
Ward: Have you seen my juice-box?
Watch: Oh, that was yours? I thought that--
Ward: Great. Thanks. Why did I even bother putting my initials on it?

Dean: Saliva is nature's glue.
Hank: And raisins are nature's candy!

Dr. Orpheus: Do not be too hasty entering that room. I had TACO BELL FOR LUNCH!! Expert witness, Dr. Byron Orpheus has arrived.
Hank: (examining the bathroom door from which Orpheus emerged) The hair's gone! A clue!
Dean: It was Dr. O the whole time. I wonder what that means?
Brock: It means Dr. Orpheus had to take a dump. So... nice job. Case closed.

Dr. Venture: If I knew you could just call the cops on him, I would have done it years ago! Because I'm no sissy, no sir. I would just pick up that phone and... "Officer, there's a man in a butterfly suit shooting my robot with a laser beam."

Brock: The police keep out of the way of the Guild for the most part. Who do you think supplied them with new cruisers last year?
Dr. Venture: My tax dollars, for one.
Dean: Santa Claus, for two.

Phantom Limb: Control, delay order. We've lost full containment. I repeat, delay order.
Watch: Copy on delay. We are on standby.
Ward: Knew it.
Watch: I thought you went to the can.
Ward: I did. I'm back.
Watch: That was, like, ten seconds ago. What, are you pissing in the corner?

(Hank and Dean are saying 'Mech-Shiva' repeatedly in the background)
The Monarch: Wait a minute! That's insane! They're total liars. I kept my mouth shut when Dean said he could read Sanskrit, and when Hank said he wanted a piece of him, I was like 'Fine. Whatever.', but Mecha-Shiva? No way! They are so lying, I'm innocent!

The Monarch: Well, Hank, what's it like to be a... liar. Huh? You like being a liar with pants constantly on fire?
Tiny Attorney: Objection, your honor, leading.
The Monarch: I'll rephrase that: Hank, are you a liar?
Hank: No sir, I don't think so.
The Monarch: Yes you are!
Dean: You're the liar!
The Monarch: And may I remind you, that I am rubber and you are glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.

Dr. Orpheus: How sweet, a Bible. Well, if you don't mind sir, I have book of my own for this little ritual.
(he pulls out the Necronomicon. Dr. Venture slaps himself on the head)
Dr. Orpheus: Keep your fingers clear of its mouth, he's a nibbler.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you ... whoever.
Dr. Orpheus: I SWEAR IT!
Tiny Attorney: Dr. Orpheus, could you tell the court what it is that you do? You're a type of magician?
Dr. Venture: Oooo, they have no idea what they're in for.
Dr. Orpheus: Well, if you must call me that, yes. But if you are after mere parlor tricks you will be sorely disappointed, for if I reach behind your ear, it will not be a nickel I pull out, BUT YOUR VERY SOUL!
Dr. Venture: (imitating a lounge singer) Good night ladies and gentlemen, you've been a great crowd.

Judge: You're on thin ice here, but do you get off the ice? Hell no, you jump up and down like a lunatic having a..a conniption fit. Now if it was up to me, you'd have been in chains an hour ago. But this is a trial by jury and it's up to your peers...
The Monarch: Peers?
Judge: (cont'd) ...to decide this.
The Monarch: PEERS?! How dare you! That repulsive display of humanity out there? NO WAY! A list of my peers would read as follows: Flying Squid and Tigeriffic; Truckules; Lord Mostly-Magic; King Fantastic Outfit; Fee Waybill of the Tubes; SuicideGirl Teagan; Bill "Superfoot" Wallace; Happy-Go-Clucky and Swiss Misstery; Chaka Igloo; and my 8th grade earth science teacher Mr. Tringe! Oh... and Bizarro Oscar Wilde as an alternate.

The Monarch: This all started soon after 'The Flight of the Monarch' was published. A mean little tell-all-book filled with nothing but lies and pictures of also lies.
(flashback to The Monarch's floating cocoon)
The Monarch: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!
#24: A book?
The Monarch: No, but you would think it was right? You can read it like a book, here I'll show you: (reading) '...riffling through his pockets for change, the Monarch accidentally launches a sodium-pentathol tipped dart deep into his own thigh. Upon hearing a girlish symphony of shrill wails, a waitress comes to his aid...'
#24: Told you!
#21: You told me he wouldn't find out.
#24: You're such a dick! You put his face on the cover!
The Monarch: (still reading) 'there she was subjected to a lecture concerning her weight problem and the evils of over... plucking her eyebrows.' Oh, it's almost exactly like a book. There's even some pictures, here's one of me at Danceteria making out with Stiv Bators and Lydia Lunch. (closes book) But this is not a book, this is a suicide note. Good news! The euthanasia will be carried out by me. The author has twenty minutes to seek my aid before I just KILL all of you. You'll find me in my room... crying!

Dr. Girlfriend: (examining her old outfit during a flashback) What are these hard chunks?
Phantom Limb: (momentarily panicked, then smoothly recovering) My... tears.
The Monarch: (back in the courtroom, present day) Tears?? You have to be kidding me! You know that sick deformed slob was... (shudders) You know he was pounding his invisible meat all over...
Dr. Venture: That's it! Objection! Your honor, I have children listening to this potty talk!
Judge: Sustained. I want that last bit stricken from the record. (under his breath) And my mind.

The Monarch: Okay, then who haven't you slept with? I'm sure that's a shorter list.
Dr. Girlfriend: Oh you are insane!
The Monarch: I'm insane? I'm insane?! Look at these! There's a picture of you in Monstroso's lap.
Dr. Girlfriend: That was a party. Look at his lap, it's huge. There's, like, five of us on it.
The Monarch: Yeah, right. And here's one of you skinny-dipping with Jim Foetus!
Dr. Girlfriend: Let me see that, I don't remember...
The Monarch: And there's a whole collage of you and Phantom Limb!
Dr. Girlfriend: All right, fine! I used to work for him, so what?
The Monarch: Holy crap! (holds book sideways, unraveling a fold-out) Look at your costume! What, did Frank Frazetta design it for you?! It's tiny! I can see your...dirty pillows!
Dr. Girlfriend: I am leaving! If you can't calm down, I'm leaving.
The Monarch: You can't leave, I'm throwing you out! Get out of my cocoon, you WHORE!!!

Brock: Something big is going down. This place is crawling with Strangers.
Hank: You can't expect to know everybody.
Brock: No, Hank. Strangers are undercover Guild operatives.
Dean: We gotta warn Pop!
Brock: No, Dean, this is Guild business, your father isn't in any harm. Guild work is clean, professional. It's surgical with them. In a way they're the only organization I still respect.
Hank: And they kill clean, don't let dames get in the way.
Brock: Honestly, Hank, where do you pick that stuff up? I never see you read.
Dean: It's weird, right?
Brock: It's like he channels dead crazy people.
Hank: You think it's a cry for help?

Tiny Attorney: So. Mind readin'. Fascinatin'. Could you read the mind of, for instance, the Monarch?
Dr. Orpheus: If it would please the court...
The Monarch: Objection1 No way!
Judge: Th-th-th-this is most unorthodox.
Dr. Venture: Unorthodox? The defendant's in a crown for God's sake!
Tiny Attorney: I myself am growing from the torso of an inbred simpleton.

Dr. Orpheus: Hug me!
The Monarch: Fine. Whatever gets you off, man. Just don't go for the reach-around, because The Monarch doesn't swing that way.

The Monarch: (drunkenly addressing a big, muscular cop in a tight uniform) Look, Officer Poncherello... the second in command just left me. So why don't you put your fat Tom of Finland ass back on your big gay bike and go home?? This is none of your beeswax!!

Return to Spider-Skull Island[edit]

Dr. Venture is rushed to the hospital to have a tumor removed, but the boys mistake his ailment for a pregnancy and decide to run away. After the operation, strange things begin to happen, including the accidental deaths of Hank and Dean Venture.
The Monarch: Look, you two, I'm dying in here. Have you heard anything from Dr. Girlfriend?
#21: We've been calling her every hour, and we keep getting her machine.
The Monarch: Did you try the cellular phone?
#24: Yeah, we followed your instructions to the letter. It's just that...
The Monarch: Have you destroyed the giant cocoon headquarters?
#21: Not yet.
The Monarch: Have you sent the charred remains of Wonderboy to his beloved Captain Sunshine?
#21: Yes.
The Monarch: Rewound and returned the director's cut of Working Girl?
#24: We tried, but..
The Monarch: Unleashed the herpes-smeared sexbots upon the traitorous members of the Guild?
#21: Yep.
The Monarch: Filled Phantom Limb's garage with clingy, static-charged Stryrofoam packing peanuts?
#24: No.
The Monarch: Sent apology letters to each of my sponsored Ugandan foster children?
#21: Check!
The Monarch: Have you... KILLED THE VENTURE BROTHERS?!

Dean: I'll be sleeping in a room right next to Triana. And then she'll hear, like, thunder or something, and she'll run into my room all scared and stuff. And I'll be like, "Hush, my darling. It's just ionized air molecules expanding." And she'll be like, "Oh, hold me." And then I'll, like...
Hank: Dude! If we stay here, that means that we'll be Dr. Orpheus's kids. And that means Triana will be your sister. And that means you two will have extra-retard babies.

Dr. Orpheus: Pumpkin, get me my cloak!
Triana Orpheus: Why don't you wear the ...
Dr. Orpheus: Alright fine. GET ME MY BLUE WINDBREAKER!

Waitress: What can I get you?
Dr. Orpheus: Well, you see, I made this purchase of a homeboy from your vending machine.

Dr. Orpheus: Consider this your final warning. You do not know the risk you are taking. For a whisper from my lips could open your mind to a world of arcane tortures!

The Monarch: You're probably wondering why you're here, YOUR HERE BECAUSE YOU DONE FUCKED UP TOO MANY TIMES! You think you're hot shit in a champagne glass, but you're really cold diarrhea in a dixie cup! And if you keep like you've been doin', this is where heading.
Random Guy: (snickering)
The Monarch: Oh, that's funny to you right? Cause you so fuckin bad? I know your type. You think, "I'll just get me a costume and rip off the neighborhood kids." Next thing you know you've got a jet shaped like a skull with lasers on the front.
Random Guy: This is totally gay.
The Monarch: What?! You think this is gay, huh? Is that what you fucking said, you scrawny piece of shit? Oh, this isn't gay! But King Gorilla over there is, and I'll bet he can't wait to break off a piece of your dick in his ass! (King Gorilla makes kissing lips)

The Monarch: You - get up! I SAID GET THE FUCK UP! What's your name?

Dean: Dean Ven...
The Monarch: YOUR NAME IS BITCH! And I own you. YOU'RE PROPERTY! And when I'm tired of having sex with every hole God drilled in your slender frame - King Gorilla, you got a cigarette? There, I just sold you for a cigarette, and I don't smoke! (pause) Holy shit, you're Dean fucking Venture! King, I gotta buy my bitch back, here's your cigarette.
King Gorilla: Fuck you, gimme a dollar!

The Monarch: What the fuck are you boys doing in the big house?
Dean: Well, our dad had a baby, so we ran away.
Hank: And then we got arrested for not speeding enough.
The Monarch: You shouldn't even be alive!
Dean: Huh?
The Monarch: I put out a hit on you. Super sorry. But, you know, I'm in mother-fucking prison here. My life is fucked.

The Monarch: You boys don't wanna end up in here, this place is full of fucking animals. (Hank opens his mouth) I don't mean King Gorilla, Hank. I mean this place will chew you up and spit you out. (Hank opens his mouth again) No, I'm not talking about Mecha-Mouth, Hank.
Dean: (sighs) This was a big mistake.
The Monarch: Fuckin'-A right! This is all wrong, you boys are the fucking Venture brothers. You've had your little adventure, now go the hell home.
Hank: Fuck that shit!
Dean: Hank Venture! What is wrong with you!? You're changing into an extra-bad person! Do you even know how many baby angels you just killed by saying that?!
Hank: Oh by glory! You're right! What's happening to us? We searched for freedom, and it landed us in jail.
Dean: I bet dad's worried sick. And Brock. He loves ya, Hank, I just know it.
The Monarch: Oh, this is just gay. Look, I gotta get back to yelling at regular kids, alright?

Dr. Venture: What else do you want? Do you want Dean? You could have Dean. He could carry you on his back, like Master Blaster.

Waitress: What'll it be, sugar?
Dr. Orpheus: Your flask of sugar appears to be filled. But your concern is noted; now please, stand to the side.

Dr. Orpheus: That's a Home Boy. But be careful, that houses the souls of TWO FOULMOUTHED REDNECKS!!!

(after the boys have been shot to death)
Dr. Venture: All right... get their clothes.

Doctor: Sorry sir, medical personnel only beyond this point.
Brock: I go where he goes.
Doctor: Oh... you must be his "partner" then?
Brock: Not really, it's more like I work for him...WAIT A MINUTE - NO!!

Dr. Venture: What would I do without you, Brock?
Brock: (nonchalantly) You'd be dead.

E.R. Doctor: Well I have good news...
Dr. Venture: Oh, thank...
E.R. Doctor: And bad news.
Dr. Venture: YOU SON OF A BITCH!! (relaxes) Okay fine! Hit me with it, don't soft soap me. Give it to me straight, I can take it.
E.R. Doctor: The good news is the operation was a success. We were able to remove the entire tumor from your midsection.
Dr. Venture: (to Brock as if comforting him) See, you big worry wart?
Brock: What's the bad news?
E.R. Doctor: I... ah geez... This is very hard.
Dr. Venture: Oh god. It's the big C, isn't it? (to Brock) You did this to me! All that second hand smoke!! You should be the one in this bed, mister!!!
E.R. Doctor: No no no, Dr. Venture! The tumor was benign, it's just that... well... (clears throat) We cannot find it.
Dr. Venture: What do you mean you can't find it?
E.R. Doctor: Well, we took it out, and i don't know. When I finished sewing you up, I turned around and it was just gone!
Dr. Venture: (sarcastically) Gone. Well, I want a second opinion! Oh, wait, I'm a doctor! I can give myself one! You suck, and I'm leaving!

Season 2[edit]

Powerless in the Face of Death[edit]

Life goes on after the tragic deaths of Hank and Dean in this Season Two opener. Meanwhile, the Monarch deals with life "inside."

Jonas Venture Jr.: But we're the Venture Brothers! Shouldn't we work together?
Dr. Venture: Unh. What does it take to get rid of you, you parasite? Tweezers and a match? I give you life, I give you half my stuff, I gave you the X2 for God's sake, what more do you want?! My blood? Here! Take it! Take my blood! [bends over, pointing his rear towards Jonas Jr.] or better yet, just climb right on back inside me! [pats rear] Go on! Jump back in there! Come on!
Jonas Venture Jr.: [sighs] Fine. Never mind. Just let me get my stuff from the lab and I'll go.
Dr. Venture: 'The lab'? Try my lab.
Jonas Venture Jr.: Mine, yours. What's the difference? We're the Venture Brothers! What's mine is yours.
Dr. Venture: Yeah, yeah. You're very generous with my things.

Young Hector: This Aztec calendar says today is your lucky day!

Swifty: (Mumbling) I used to be pretty. Yeah but not no more, look at my nose...

The Monarch: Hey! Hey! What the f.. Are you raping me?!
King Gorilla: No... well, I was gonna.
The Monarch: Gonna?! What the fuck, King?!
King Gorilla: I couldn't get it up.
The Monarch: AGH! [Holds hands to ears] Lalalalalalala...
King Gorilla: You're built too much like a girl! I couldn't get into it.
The Monarch: [stops 'la' -ing] What... What a... this isn't even my cell! What'd you do, take me to your place?
King Gorilla: Well I got porn here... it helps.
The Monarch: AAGH! [Puts hands back to ears as he leaves the cell] Lalalalalalala...

Dr. Orpheus: But I am, by trade, a necromancer! You know what that means, right?
Brock: Uhh, you have sex with dead people?
Dr. Orpheus: phile! Necrophile! A necroMANCER can bring the dead TO LIFE!!

Dr. Orpheus: (on whether he actually saw the boys) Saw them!? I made them a fucking MILKSHAKE!

Brock: (asked to put the immature clones back into their "incubators") I hate touching them, they feel like giant Stretch Armstrongs.

Dr. Venture: Look, if you have a clumsy child, you make him wear a helmet. If you have death-prone children, you keep a few clones of them in your lab.

Dr. Orpheus (talking to Triana about raising the dead): Stop crying, pumpkin. I've done this hundreds of times. David Blaine,Evel Knievel, both daddy's clients. As was Ronald Reagan, until he bounced a check.

Dr. Venture: [To Half-Formed Corpse] Hank! You are never to call your father a crumb-bum in front of company!

Dr. Orpheus: No shower for Byron Orpheus!

Dr. Orpheus: (to Triana) Now don't touch any of this. You could accidentally make the cat huge...or something.

King Gorilla: You and your Guild can go screw. Ten years of payin' dues and what do they do to keep me out of here when I got caught!?!
Phantom Limb: Oh, what could we do? You eviscerated and sodomized Vince Neil on national television.
King Gorilla: Hey, I only sodomized half of him! They wanted The Surreal Life, K.G. GAVE it to 'em!

Dr. Orpheus: Slow down. What about the zombies?
Dr. Venture: Oh, I call those "clone slugs" — grew those years ago from nail clippings, I think. Anyway, after the slugs have been activated, that machine...
Dr. Orpheus: Purgatory.
Dr. Venture: Whatever. That computer feeds all their nocturnally recorded memory synapses.
Dr. Orpheus: Their memories, hopes, and dreams. Their immortal souls!
Dr. Venture: You're killing me with that crap; just let me finish. That computer feeds synaptic data to their incubation beds; that information is supplemented with basic knowledge that my dad recorded for me so I didn't have to go to school; and that is why I didn't lose my virginity until I was 24.
Dr. Orpheus: That is awful!
Dr. Venture: Well, you didn't see her. It was horrific.

Dr. Orpheus: Who is your grief counselor? Mother Teresa? How can you be so nonchalant about this? My stupid talismans and I have made movie monsters from your sons!

The Monarch: Et tu, King Gorilla?

Dr. Orpheus: Wait, perhaps you can help. From your helmet I can charge you have been here long enough--
Buried-Soul Head1: Yes pilgrim, I, in life, was a personal guard to the great Caesar.
Buried-Soul Head2: Nuh uh. Liar. You choked on a popsicle stick at a Halloween party.
Buried-Soul Head1: Oh tell everyone why don't ya--
Buried-Soul Head2: Everybody knows. Why do ya think you're in hell? 'Cause ya fuckin lying.

[Dr. Orpheus is standing in a ring of candles with a shovel]

Triana: ...What're you doing?
Dr. Orpheus: I like digging. Can't a man leave his home with a shovel without an inquisition?

Hate Floats[edit]

Things return to normal in the lives of the Ventures. The Monarch confronts Dr. Girlfriend in a mall food court while his new henchmen stumble upon the Venture family shopping.
#21: Are you the bully of your school? Or the even the victim of bullying? Do you watch movies about costumed heroes and think, "Wow, that guy's a pussy. I sure hope a much cooler bad guy kicks his ass."?
#24: (unconvincingly) Wow, it's like you were reading my mind.
#21: I am not a mind reader, stranger. You, like so many others, are drawn to this sexy, action-packed lifestyle of the professional henchman.
#24: But I could never be a henchman. I am just a normal guy who is between the age of 18 and 30. A loner and lacks ties to friends and family.
#21: You, stranger, are the perfect candidate for costumed aggression.
Gang Member 1: Yo, fat boy. You get to carry a piece?
#21: But of course. Your standard Grade One henchman in service of the mighty Monarch is issued a dart gun and a grappling cannon to name only a few of the exciting accoutrements that will aid the henchman in his wonderous world of career henching.
Gang Member 2: Hey, what kind of ride we get?
#21: How does an enormous flying cocoon sound to you?
#24: Wow, a flying cocoon. I can already feel my life getting better!

Dean: I look like Santa's magic janitor.

Dean: Don't say it.
Hank: You look like the Mayor of Candy Land.

The Monarch: SHIT! Mall cops! Henchmen, retreat!

The Monarch: I am sitting in the charred remains of my once mighty, flying cocoon. Anyone... wanna explain to me why my cocoon is charred...
#24: Because you told us to destroy the cocoon.
The Monarch: And why it is sideways?
#21: We were following orders! You can't yell at us for following orders.
#24: Or kill us for following orders.

#21: Awesome! We are BACK, dude!
#24: You heard him. I'll pick you up in five. Be outside. I don't want to have to talk to your mom.
#21: Oh, I will BE there!

#21: Henchman 28! Front and center!
#28: You want me, you roll your big ass over here. And I done told you, my name is Number One!

The Monarch: There's just so many buttons... so... so many buttons!

Phantom Limb(Speaking to Brock Sampson): I have removed the bullet. And three others, a blowgun dart, two shark's teeth, a tip of a bayonet, a twisted paperclip, and a meager handful of buckshot. You may want to learn how to duck.

Brock: Not even a scar? Did you look around the nipple, or belly button? Sometimes they- they put 'em in through there.
Phantom Limb: Look, she is all woman. I have explored every supple inch of her and I have found nothing but nectar.
Brock: All right, fine. Maybe the Monarch's just better equipped.
Phantom Limb: [Referring to their Firearms] You are strapping on an ultra-light gyropack. They are only issued to top ranking Guild officials.
Brock: No, I mean better... equipped.
Phantom Limb: She was kidnapped, alright?! Kid. Napped.
Brock: Ehh, I'm just sayin'.

Phantom Limb: Let's go!
Brock: I thought for sure you were gonna hit me with "lock and load."
Phantom Limb: The night is still young!

Brock: Hey, that killer hand thing is pretty cool. Can you get me one of those?
Phantom Limb: That's all me! The outcome of a botched experiment that made me evil.
Brock: I so called that!

Phantom Limb: Well met! You did that with his own finger?
Brock: Eh, it's just one guy.
Phantom Limb: You showoff!

#21: Gentlemen, choose your weapons.
#24: Is this them?
#21: 'Are these they.'
#24: Who talks like that?
The Monarch: Out of the way! I'm the leader here, I'll distribute the... wha. (uneasy pause) Are these they?
[The Arsenal turns out to be simply a crude collection of fan memorabilia]
#21: (proudly) Yeah, and you have to admit, it is a pretty formidable collection.
The Monarch: You fucking idiot! What the hell are we supposed to do with this crap? Make them laugh so hard they blow malt liquor out of their noses?
Dr. Venture: No, I think you'll have that covered when you storm the room in butterfly costumes.
The Monarch: Oh, ha ha ha. Nice onesie, dick. Does it have snaps in the back so you can make poopie?
#24: Whoa!! Snap! No he didn't!
Dr. Venture: This is a speed-suit, mister, not a onesie!
The Monarch: Fine. Maybe they’ll think you’re a three-year old with progeria and take pity on us!

Dr. Venture: What am I supposed to do with these, tell their fortunes?
#21: They are Magic: The Gathering cards, not Tarot cards. You can toss them at their heads. Well, you catch a corner with one of those and they'll know what hit them.

Dean: Mommy, how do you know where to go?
Dr. Girlfriend: I'm not your mommy! And I put a tracer on the Monarch when we were first dating- HANK, take this right!
Hank: I'm driving! I'm a driver!
Dean & Dr. Girlfriend: (in unison) We know!
Dr. Girlfriend: Yeah, tracer. You do stuff like that when you date super villains.
Dean: Where'd you put it? Is it in his brain? Or is it like a secret tracer tooth?
Dr. Girlfriend: No, I hid it in my mouth and I jammed it up his- (smirking) Honey, like I said, you do some pretty strange things when you date super villains.

Phantom Limb: Oh yes, apart from 'Behold-the-Giant-Walking-Death-Ray' speech, the 'Welcome-To-Hell' speech is my favorite.

Phantom Limb: You told me you never put a tracer on another man!

Phantom Limb: [To Dr. Girlfriend] He's only a man...and no man is immune to your charms.
Brock: Pfff...'No man'. I'm still looking for the scars on her.
[The Limb shoots him with a Tranquiliser Dart]
Phantom Limb: [Defensively] What? I'm a supervillain.

Hank: Who are all these people?
Dean: Are they all mommy's other boyfriends?
Dr. Girlfriend: Stop calling me your fucking mommy!

The Monarch: (to his new henchmen) The most reckless, graceless exhibition of henchmenism I've ever seen! You think you're all a bunch of hot shot young Turk 182's, don't ya? Well there are rules in this business! It's about finesse. We don't just go in, guns-a-blazing willy-nilly. And where did you get real guns anyway, huh? Those aren't standard issue! Hand them over!! (henchmen laugh) What is this, funny to you? I said hand over your firearms or I will be forced to... (henchmen raise their guns at the Monarch, #21 raises his hands up)

Assassinanny 911[edit]

When Brock is reactivated by the Office of Secret Intelligence to track down a rogue agent, he subcontracts his ex-girlfriend, the malevolent mercenary Molotov Cocktease, to protect the Venture Compound from enemies within and without.
Brock: You Colonel Gathers?
Hunter: (sounding like Hunter S. Thompson) What! Oh no you don't! (tackles Brock and sits on his chest, holding a knife to his throat) What do you want from me? Who sent you, you bastard?
Brock: Personnel! Special Agent-in-Training Brock Samson reporting for duty.
Hunter: Don't you salute me, you bastard! (stabs Brock's hand with a knife)
Brock: Ow!
Hunter: Leave that Little John-John crap back in Biloxi.
Brock: Yes sir!
Hunter: And don't sir me, damn you! You're not in the Marines anymore. This is intelligence. Start using it.
Brock: Okay, Colonel... uuh...
Hunter: Call me Hunter. Now let me get a good look at you. Good god! They're making 'em big now a days. Don't they know there's a gas crunch on?. Look at the size of you. (reads file) Samson, Brock. Born Omaha, Nebraska to a single mother. Half Swedish, quarter Polish, quarter Winnebago. You lost your virginity at fourteen, have one brother and you enjoy Motocross. (burns file with cigarette) The Brock Samson you knew and were is dead. Happy birthday, Frankenstein! You're O.S.I.'s baby now. Are you prepared to do whatever your country asks of you?
Brock: Yes.
Hunter: Can you keep your head about you when you're confronted with mind-blowing weirdness at every turn?
Brock: Yes!
Hunter: Are you ready for anything?
Brock: Yes!
Hunter: (pause) Are you still ready for anything?
Brock: Yes!
Hunter: Wrong! (smashes Brock across the knee with a metal pole) Lesson number one: trust no one. Minute God crapped out the third caveman, a conspiracy was hatched against one of them. Get up, damn you! (throws Brock a jetpack) Strap 'er on kid, your training starts now. When I'm through with you, you'll be a member of the elite agency that's been thanklessly defending this big-ass country since the second American Revolution.... the invisible one. Welcome to the Office of Secret Intelligence, Samson!

Brock: So for the next couple of days, it's yours. I'm trusting you to protect these people.
Molotov Cocktease: (scornfully) From what? Bed bugs and tummy aches?
Brock: Hey, you'd be surprised how many enemies Doctor Venture has. We get into some pretty hot situations here.
Dr. Venture: Brock, which of these looks better? The velour or the Italian knit? Oh, hello.
Brock: Doc, this is Molotov Cocktease. I hired her to watch out for you guys while I'm on assignment.
Dr. Venture: Charmed. Oh uh, and I got some iodine on this. Do you have time to get that out for me before you run off to play Cowboys and Indians?
Molotov Cocktease: Say the word and he's dead. We could be in Monaco by midnight.
Dr. Venture: Ahh, pardon?
Brock: Ah Doc, come here with me a second.
Dr. Venture: Did you check her references?
Brock: Yeah.
Dr. Venture: Oh great, she's one of your hussies isn't she? You're putting my life in the hands of a hussy.
Brock: She's a mercenary not a... hussy.
Dr. Venture: Did you have... relations with her?
Brock: Ehhh, no, I didn't.
Dr. Venture: Hmm, well then Rusty calls dibs. God, she must jazzercise night and day.

(Hank waves to Molotov)
Hank: Hi! I'm Hank!
(Molotov exhales her cigarette smoke in his face)

Brock: (sighs) You know, it's not costin' ya anything.
Dr. Venture: What is she, an intern? She getting credit for this in Murder School?
Brock: I worked out a trade. You know how Russians are goofy for American jeans? Well, I snagged a planeload of them the last time we were down in Bolivia. (he opens a hatch on the X-1 and a "manaconda" slithers out, hissing)
Dean: Manaconda!
(Molotov jumps on the manaconda's back, drawing her sword)
Dr. Venture: Alright, she's nimble. I'll grant you that. Can she close the deal?
Brock: Wait.
(Molotov slices the manaconda in half, releasing several baby manacondas)
Dean: Eww. Wo-manaconda.

Dr. Venture: Well, let's say we get you settled in. Shall I make up the fold-out couch in my dad's old study for you, or, ahh, would you be more comfortable in the master suite?
Molotov: Get something straight, I am here only as a favor to that man whose feet you aren't even fit to kiss. I am not protecting your lives, I am saving his. Because by the time he gets back, you will no longer need a baby sitter. I'm going to turn you into men.

Dr. Orpheus: So easy to lose track of matters temporal in my vocation. My apologies for the error Miss uhh...
Dr. Venture: Cocktease.
Dr. Orpheus: Oh, umm of course. How do you do?
Hank: Gee thanks for coming Dr. O., too bad you can't stay longer.
Dr. Orpheus: Well I don't really have to be anywhere.
Hank: (coldly) I said good day sir.
Dr. Venture: (to Molotov) Well, after that rigamarole I could use a night cap. Care to join me? I've been squirreling away a bottle of cooking sherry for a special occasion but, haha, heck this is cause enough to celebra... (Molotov walks off) some other time then.
Dr. Orpheus: No no, it sounds delightful. I'll get the glasses.

(Hank is removing posters from his wall)
Dean: What are you doing with Danica Patrick?
Hank: I'm over her, you want this?
Dean: Nah, not my type.
Hank: Wanna keep the Fun-Tak at least?
(Dean shakes his head no)
Dean: Whoa, not Mary Lou Retton too! What's going on with you?
Hank: (sighs) Dean, Dean. I sometimes forget that you're younger than me.
Dean: By a lousy four minutes!
Hank: Then maybe in four minutes you'll understand. It took a real woman to finally show me that these girls, fine atheletes and easy on the eye both, were but the mere crushes of a boy. And you, my friend, are looking at....a man.
Dean: (gasps) You finally got 'em?
Hank: (covering his crotch) A gentleman never asks and a lady never tells.

Dean: Why is my brother dressed like that?
Molotov: I didn't ask. I thought you two liked to dress like idiots.
Dean: Hey!

Brock: (sigh) When do we get to do somethin'?
Hunter: Stakeouts are 80% of the job, boyo. (Brock touches his fake moustache) Don't pull at that! A convincing cover is the other 20%.
Brock: (sigh) So. No women, no children —
Hunter: No women, no children. Them's rules. Seperates us from the baddies.
Brock: But what if she's an enemy agent?
Hunter: Uh-uh.
Brock: An assassin?
Hunter: No.
Brock: A double-agent assassin who just killed the President.
Hunter: No sir. Non-lethal takedown only. President's not the president anyway, you know that.
Brock: Oh. Hey, how about, you know, uh... a lady Dracula?
Hunter: You mean, le vampyr? Nosferatu?
Brock: Guess.
Hunter: Undead. Not technically a woman in that regard, so you got no beef there. Also, fictitious. (Brock lifts a baguette to his mouth) Do not eat that, it's C4!

Triana Orpheus: Hey, Dean.
Dean: Triana! Thank god!
Kim: (sarcastically) Nice bod.
Dean: Thanks, I've been working out... a lot.
Triana: Hey, we came over to use the pool, is that cool?
Dean: No, it's not cool. Nothing is cool.
Triana: You seem a little weird, are you guys ok?
Dean: (whispering) She's killing us.

Dean: ...and Hank, I don't know what his deal is, it's like he's actually enjoying this.
Kim: The Scooby-Doo kid? Where'd he go?
Dean: He's swimming laps... uh oh. (Hank is unconscious at the bottom of the pool)

Dr. Venture: Listen, we kinda got off on the wrong foot, you and I, and I don't mean the one you just kicked my teeth in with, I mean earlier. So, fine. If you're not interested the one hundred and thirty five pounds of grade A American come-and-get-it, I can respect that. But, uh, we can at least be friends right? (Molotov smiles and shakes his hand) So tell me, friend, you might know this. The whole Russian mail-order-bride deal on the Internet, is that on the up and up?
Molotov: (coldly) I wouldn't know.
Dr. Venture: Because those Chinese ones are a real racket. The damn thing was already dead when the crate finally showed up!

(Hank has tongue-kissed Molotov while she performs CPR on him)
Molotov: Nyet! Ew, milk breath.
Hank: Incredible.
Dean: Hank! We've got big troubles. The Apaches are back!
Hank: What?
Dean: Look. Tepee in your trunks!
(Hanks gasps, the camera pans back to reveal his erection)
Hank: My pants are haunted! My pants are haunted!

Molotov: Do you want me, Hank?
Hank: Yes'm.
Molotov: Your father will never let us be together. He's a big old doodyhead who wants me all to himself.
Hank: He's a jerk!
Molotov: Yes, Hank, he is. But what are you going to do about it? (she reveals her breasts, which are in fact duplicates of Hank's head)
Hank-head breast-beasts: Kill pop! Kill pop! Kill pop! You should totally kill pop.

Hank: Father...
Dr. Venture: Yes, Hank?
Hank: I want to kill you...
Dr. Venture: That's nice. Play pirate somewhere else, boy. Your father's busy.
Molotov: Hank, nyet!
Hank: Molotov... I want to... oh baby!!!

[Brock discovers a plastic surgeon is turning Hunter into a female, starting with enhanced breasts]
Brock: Whu - What the Hell did you do to him?
Plastic Surgeon: (German Accent) Only whad she azked me to do!
Brock: This man was like a father to me!
Plastic Surgeon: Well, zink of ziss woman as, like, a mother to jou.
[Brock screams, picks him up by the collar and begins to slap him]
Plastic Surgeon: Your mother! [Slap] Your father! [Slap] Your mother! [Slap] Your father! [Slap] He-he's your muh-mother and your fuh-father... [Collapses into tears]

Brock: Where's Hank?
Dr. Venture: Up in his room. Our little man is grounded.
Brock: What'd he do?
Dr. Venture: Get this, I'm working in the lab, right? And Hank sleepwalks in, hauls off and smacks me in the head with a papier-mache sword, pees his pants and passes out.
Brock: So, I didn't miss much?
Dr. Venture: Pfft. What's there to miss?

Escape to the House of Mummies Part II[edit]

Team Venture find themselves trapped in the clutches of a bloodthirsty Egyptian cult and their time machine. Doc narrowly escapes and teams up with Master Billy Quizboy and Pete White, but promptly forgets to mount a rescue. So it's up to Brock and a pantheon of history's greatest men to find another way out.
(Brock and Hank have just found Dean's disembodied head inside a small pyramid frame)
Brock: What happened?
Hank: Yeah Clarissa, explain it all
Dean: That guy with the bird head, he has this mummy army, and one of the mummys has a magic scepter. Don't move Hank, he's right behind you!
Hank: What? Yep. That's just Mummy-Mum-Muggy. He's a good mummy, Dean-o. Right? Muggy friend. (scratches the mummy's chin) Muggy like his chin rubbed. Who's a good mummy?
Brock: Hank, get your brother's head and follow me. There has to be a way out of here.
Hank: Muggy might know! (continues scratching Muggy's chin) Where's the exit? Tell us boy. (Muggy's head, except for the lower jaw, falls off)
Brock: This is getting stupid! Where the hell is your father?

The Master: Orpheus, you are my best and brightest pupil, even if you do taste a little salty. You're ready, Orpheus. Now get the hell out of this closet and go win that incredibly gay contest! Go! Go!

Osiris High Priest: Created by Tam, the self-created, hatched by the same egg which emerged Ra, behold the Perfect Man! Praise he who will reign over all!
[Perfect Man is sucking his foot]
Dr. Venture: That's very impressive. Looks like he hates his foot.
Osiris High Priest: Oh, still?! He's been doing that all day!

Dr. Venture (to Dean, riding on The Perfect Man's back): Dean, stop riding the 'Perfect Man'. Brock has to kill him now.
Dean: Aww, can't we keep him?
Hank: Yeah, dad, can't we? We'll feed the Perfect Man and clean up after him and everything! Super swear! Please??
Dr. Venture: No. He's an abomination. Go ahead, Brock.
[Brock walks forward carrying a machete]

Goggle Guard 1: I have more bullets you know. You gotta stop doing that.
Goggle Guard 2: I know, it just looks so cool...
Goggle Guard 1: Well go get it!
Goggle Guard 2: Fine.

Osiris Priest: Give me the Hand of Osiris!
Dr. Venture: Give me head.
Osiris Priest: You didn't just say that!
Dr. Venture: I absolutely did. What are you gonna do about it?
Osiris Priest: (confused) I'm... about to kill your sons.
Dr. Venture: Join the club!

Osiris Cultist: Ooh yeah, of course, OIL. Yeah, it makes sense now. Thought you told me to fill it with hot voile.
Osiris High Priest: Wh-What the hell is voile?
Osiris Cultist: It's a soft, sheer fabric. I warmed some up in the dryer.
Osiris High Priest: What the.. are you insane? What kind of torture is that? Get out of here! I'm serious, I don't even want to LOOK at you any more!

Dr. Venture: Hank! Get off those spikes. It's not a ride.
Hank: Awwww.

Brock: I gotta admit I always wanted to get Edgar Allan Poe in a headlock. That thing is like a pumpkin!

Dr. Orpheus: (answering phone) Dr. Orpheus, master of mysticism.
Dr. Venture: Uh...Orpheus, it's your landlord. We're trapped in a cliché. Use your fake impossible magic to get us out of here.

Dr. Orpheus: TRICKS?! How dare you! With just a thought I could rise into the air.
Dr. Venture: OR you could put on these anti-gravity boots.
Dr. Orpheus: I could incinerate this entire lab, make you believe you are a very special episode of Blossom, and shoot lightning from my hands!!!!
Dr. Venture: Ooh! Laser ray, mind control helmet, Tesla coil. Anything else?

Dr. Venture: Fine! 8 o'clock tomorrow, right here! The smallest man is the biggest man.
Dr. Orpheus: Fine! Good day, sir.
Dr. Venture: Good blah-blah, sir!
Dr. Orpheus: And I wouldn't bother looking for that shrink ray your father built. You sold it to the albino and his tiny companion. Ta-ta.
Dr. Venture: Crap...

Brock 1: (formulating a rescue plan) Hank, you and Caligula keep up the rear. (Caligula moans happily and hugs Hank) On second thought, you and Freud should do it. Caligula, you take the second wave alone. Ready Dean?
Dean: (with the body of a mummy, riding on the back of the bucking 'Perfect Man' and holding two shotguns.) Woah, steady, perfect man. Ready Brock!
Brock 1: When the gates open me, Poe, and me, (pointing to himself from the past) rush in. You got that? (Poe gives the thumbs-up)
Brock 2: You're going to kill him when he shows up, aren't ya?
Brock 1: Oh, you know it.
Both Brocks: (raising their machetes) Charge!

Triana Orpheus: (entering her room, where Orpheus is opening her closet door to reveal a supernatural portal) I knew it!
Dr. Orpheus: (flustered) Pumpkin! What are you doing in... your room? Shouldn't you be... not in your room?
Triana:My whole life I've been afraid of that closet! There's always these weird lights and something that smells like a burning Band-aid.
Dr. Orpheus: Brimstone. Okay fine, porthole to the burning nowhere, you got me.
Triana: Dad! I thought I was going crazy! I mean, I'm still afraid of the closet! Still! I wear the same thing every day because of that closet!
Dr. Orpheus: Well, how was I to know?! Come now, Archie and his indolent companion Jughead wear the same clothes every day. I thought it was an adolescent phase of yours.
Triana: Great. My closet is the door to hell.
Dr. Orpheus: The Necropolis. A porthole to the Necropolis. It had to be on the south side of the apartment, and since you had to have a private bathroom... oh, this is never... (he seizes her head) SLEEP!!

The Master: Look, Orpheus, I know why you're here, and I chose the form of Argos to teach you a little lesson.
Dr. Orpheus: Don't you mean Cerberus? Correct me if I'm wrong, but Argos was Ulysses' dog. He had only one head.
The Master: See? See? There you go, right there. That's what I'm talking about. You're a know-it-all, and no one likes a... (one of his heads begins to lick his crotch) Wait, hold on a sec.
Dr. Orpheus: I only know that I know nothing.
The Master: Way to quote something I said like a year ago. But I'm serious, hold on. This other head likes to clean my genitals with his mouth. I know it sounds weird, I let him do it because it feels great. Oh yeah. The problem is that I can taste it. So, I taste my own genitals. In my mouth. It's a... conundrum.
Dr. Orpheus: Master, what bearing does this...
The Master: Hey, will you let me enjoy this? Damn, do you know how good this feels? Oh no, wait, I'm sorry. Your wife left you because you DON'T know how good this feels!

Master Billy Quizboy: (questioning why anyone would want to break into their trailer) It's industrial espionage, you've come to steal our great ideas. You've been foiled; we have none!

Master Billy Quizboy: Don't look at me! I have not lived enough for I have not tasted the flower of a woman.
Pete White: What do you mean?
Dr. Venture: You haven't tasted a flower? Is that a direct metaphor?
Pete White: Because I don't take many trips down south myself.
Master Billy Quizboy: You guys are disgusting. No, I mean I haven't sampled the fruits of the fairer sex.
Dr. Venture: What's with the poetry Wordsworth? Just say it. Say I am a virgin!
Pete White: I knew it!
Dr. Venture: Billy, that makes you the best canidate to take a ray blast. You have nothing to lose. You've never done anything. The way I look at it, it's not even murder. It's a very late abortion.

Pete White: I vote Billy!
Dr. Venture: Seconded. Alright virgin, get on the target!

Dr. Venture: Well at least you hit this time. Anything happen?
Pete White: Nah. Nothin'. I told you the phosphates were too old.
Master Billy Quizboy: No... It worked. You shrank my lungs!

(Dr. Venture farts and laughs)

Pete White: Woah! Rusty!! Hoo, man!!!
Master Billy Quizboy: White, I can't breathe over here!!
Dr. Venture: It's gonna get worse! You remember that sound my chair made a second ago? That wasn't the chair.
Pete White: It'll be over there in a minute, Billy. Oh, think deviled eggs.
Master Billy Quizboy: I hate you guys...

Twenty Years to Midnight[edit]

In the middle of spring cleaning, Brock's discovery of a lost videotape from Jonas Venture Sr. sets Team Venture off on a global scavenger hunt for the hidden pieces of a fantastic and potentially deadly machine. But to save humanity from a terrible fate, they'll have to overcome death, drug addiction, Jonny Quest and Professor Impossible--all under the watchful eye of the mysterious Grand Galactic Inquisitor.
Dr. Venture: (seeing the Inquisitor for the first time) Ladysmith Black Mambazo!!!

Dean: (while going through a box of Dr. Venture's old things) Ah, neat! You wrote a fan letter to the Herculoids when you were ten? (Hank snatches the letter away from Dean) Hey!
Hank: Hey, horses! (reads letter) It's not a fan letter, he calls them hippies for not fighting in Vietnam. (The Grand Inquisitor snatches the letter) Hey!
Grand Galactic Inquisitor: IGNORE ME!

Brock: What're you doing here?
Captain: Yeah, well -- you never seemed to use the boat, so... I kinda started sleepin' here. Only a couple nights a week at first. You try findin' a job with nothin' on your resume but fake ghost pirate--
Brock: Get to the point!
Captain: Yah yah! Geez. Anyhoo... I wakes up one day and there's this little fella standin' there. And he tells me it's his boat now, on account a'yer pa 'et him up when he was wee! He hired me on as the ship's captain! So really, it's kinda more my boat than yours at this point.

Captain: Jesus Jones! (pause) Ah, now there was a band.

Dr. Venture: (waking up from a bizarre dream) Oh, I thought I was done with those crappy dreams.
Grand Galactic Inquisitor: That was a weird one.
Venture: Great, you can read my mind.
Grand Galactic Inquisitor: IGNORE ME! (pause) Yes, I can.

Hank: (upon entering Colonel Horace Gentleman's private chambers) Are you t'home?

Dean: Check this out. (reading Colonel Gentelman's journal) Dear diary, another dreary party at the Frosts' Flat, but oh the bitches were in rare form tonight!
Hank: Skip ahead. Maybe later he talks about grandpa's thing.
Dean: Wait, there's some kind of a list. Could be a clue! ""(continues reading) Toys Colonel Gentleman wishes he had when he was a lad but weren't invented yet: Micronauts, The Scooby-Doo Monster Game, Which Witch, AT-AT Imperial Walker, Stay Alive: The Survival Game...
Hank: What is that, code?
Dean: (after reading Colonel Gentleman's journal) "Colonel Gentleman's good names for an imaginary friend." "Colonel Gentleman's Hollywood actresses who need a smack in the mouth" They go on and on. This is a crazy person's diary.

Jonny Quest: Are you cops?

Dr. Venture: Sally, there's something I need you to do for me before we go off and live happily ever after.
Sally Impossible: Oh Dr. Venture, anything! Just do one thing for me. Pinch me, because I must be dreaming! I can't believe you're really here!
Bum: It's okay, lady. I see him too!

Brock: (sighing with disgust) This is just wrong, man, even for you. Look at her!
Dr. Venture: I have watched you pull a man's eyes from his head and make him dance like a marionette with his own optic nerves!
Brock: At least I didn't break his heart.
Dr. Venture: You don't know that.

Prof. Richard Impossible: You see, Dr. Venture, I found the piece your father hid in the foundation years ago. Then I thought about you in physics class. You were a daydreamer, a sass-mouth, and, not infrequently, a bit of a gigglepuss. Somehow I doubt twenty years of amphetamines and failure have done anything to improve that.

Grand Galactic Inquisitor: Someone left a baby! (after a pause, he reluctantly picks up Rocket)
Rocket: (babbles)
Grand Galactic Inquisitor: IGNORE ME!

Prof. Impossible: Please! This is important!
Sally Impossible: What could be more important than your family, Richard?
Prof. Impossible: (baffled by the question) Sssssss-science?

Prof. Impossible: (as Brock bolts his cheek to a wall) Of all the intolerable bugaboos!

Grand Galactic Inquisitor: (exiting a taxi) Good news, sample subjects of Earth! The glorious moment of judgment is upon you!
Taxi driver: Hey! It's eight-twenty on the meter, stretch!
Grand Galactic Inquisitor: IGNORE ME!

"Jonas Venture": Oh, Rusty. You were never alone. Those stars... well, okay, you can't see them right now because we're in the city, but those stars, they're always watching us.

"Jonas Venture": I took the form of your dad because I figured it would be easier to accept. I didn't want to stress you out—end of the world, life on other planets, blah blah blah.
Dr. Venture: Why...you SON-OF-A-BITCH! Do you know what you just put me through?! What the fuck were you thinking?! What kind of fucked-up planet are you from, where you think showing up as my dead fucking father is supposed to make me feel any better?!
"Jonas Venture": Okay, take it easy...
Dr. Venture: You prick!
"Jonas Venture": Look, I just saved your entire planet...
Dr. Venture: Prick!
"Jonas Venture": Alright, fine, you wanna see? Here! (Peels off his face, revealing his true self, which is shown offscreen, but horrifies everyone else) There! That would have been better? If I showed up like that out of nowhere? Look at you! You practically crapped your pants! Except him, he crapped his pants! (points to Ned)
Ned: Boom boom.

Sea Captain: (Upon watching Jonas Venture Jr and Mrs. Impossible meeting) Hoo-ah, you can almost hear the old humpbacks a-callin'.

Victor. Echo. November.[edit]

Phantom Limb and Dr. Girlfriend agree to a civil double date with The Monarch and some girl he met on LiveJournal in order to discuss The Monarch's official re-entry into the Guild of Calamitous Intent. Team Venture then become the unwitting pawns in a low-grade pissing contest when Phantom Limb sics the Guild's commandos on them to prove his dominance.
Phantom Limb: Rembrandt van Rijn — a hundred fifty years ago, Delacroix said of Rembrandt that his works would be held higher than those of Raphael. His blasphemous prophecy came true within fifty years, and this one could be yours for the pittance of 10 million, American.
Mafioso: No, I want the Mona Lisa.
Phantom Limb: Look, the Mona Lisa's not a better painting, it's merely a more famous one, and it was made more famous because it was stolen. And this was stolen, so...
Mafioso: What about her, ah, famous smile?
Phantom Limb: Whatever. She looks like a horse! It's - it's tiny, you know? Th-the thing is like this big.
Mafioso: Really?
Phantom Limb: Yes, really. So this is cheaper. By the... by the foot.

Phantom Limb: Oh fuck... great, I think I killed him.

The Monarch: #24, ready the Monarch-Mobile! Your leader has a date.
#24: We kinda...don't have a Monarch-Mobile anymore.
The Monarch: Why the hell not?
#24: We ditched it.
#21: You know, the heat was on us after that Venture Brother thing, so we thought...
The Monarch: Alright fine, what are our options?
#24: We can take my Nissan Stanza.
#21: Oh, shotgun, called! Totally!
The Monarch: What color is it? Is it diabolical? Or at least butterfly colored?
#24: It's powder blue. Mostly.
The Monarch: Great. 21, what do you drive?
#21: His powder blue Stanza.

Dr. Venture: Lab shmab, I'm finished with work for today. No, I wanted the boys away because I made a discovery of the... non-scientific kind.
Brock: What'd you find? Are you okay?
Dr. Venture: Oh, I'm more than okay. While perusing TV guide, I found a little - shall I say - flick, starring a one miss Dolly Parton, meow. Yeah, it seems she made a racy film called The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.
Brock: Yeah, Doc, you're uh... gonna be disappointed there...
Dr. Venture: Don't ruin it for me. I have popcorn popping and the VCR set for stun! You wanna watch it with me?
Brock: Nah, I'm cool. I gotta drive the boys to dinner.
Dr. Venture: Oh, I get it! Yeah, those kind of films are meant to be watched solo a mano.
Brock: Yeah, that's it.

Dr. Orpheus: I have been attempting to stave off this awkward, yet necessary conversation.
Triana: Please. Dad.
Dr. Orpheus: This is my duty!
[Triana giggles]
Dr. Orpheus: What is funny about my duty? You know I take my duty quite seriously.
Triana: You said... [laughs] Never mind.
Dr. Orpheus: I share your nervousness, but there are certain facts that a father must impart to his daughter on occasions such as this- Oh yes, 'doody', clever.
Triana: Daaad.
Dr. Orpheus: Hear me out! [clears throat] When young women reach estrus, the, uhh, lignum, ummm, craves theeee stamen-like skills of the yonie. This is quite natural.
Triana: Dad. Come on. I'm doing you a favor.
Dr. Orpheus: Yes, yes, Mr. Venture has been kind enough to give me some leeway with the rent if I get the boys, as he says, 'out of his hair' for the evening. But as you know, tonight I teach conjuring at the new school.
Triana: It's not a problem. Kim and I could use a free dinner.
Dr. Orpheus: It's just that boys at their age have unchecked desires coursing, nay raging as a tempest would! Through their tingling nethers!
Triana: Come on, Dad. I'm going on a date with... the Venture brothers.

Kim: So, are the Venture Brothers cute?
Triana Orpheus: Well, Dean...he's kinda cute. He dresses like Buddy Holly.
Kim: That's pretty cool.
Triana Orpheus: Yeah, but I think he does it accidentally.
Kim: What about my date?
Triana Orpheus: Hank? Well, he's blonde and more...like, athletic.
Kim: Sounds good. How does he dress?
Triana Orpheus: Like Fred from Scooby-Doo.

#21: Put in my mix tape; it's right on the dash. It's the one that says, Chillin' with My Peeps and My Main Man, The Monarch.
The Monarch: We have to stop and pick up my...date.
#21: I thought Dr. Girlfriend was going to be there.
The Monarch: Yes, with that dick, Phantom Limb. I plan to use the never-fail strategy of jealousy!
#24: Who's your date?
The Monarch: I met her on the LiveJournal, which I kept in prison. I have been blogging! After posting an especially attractive picture of my prison-sculpted abs, she commented that I was not only 'f0ine', I was 'teh sex', whatever that means...

Dean: Any advice, you know, this being our first big date and all?
Brock: Yeah. (Throws corsage from Dean's lap out the window)
Dean: No?
Brock: No. Don't pull out her chair, kiss her hand, or anything like that — it's kind of dorky. Just be yourself. Wait, here, take this (his wallet). It's got plenty of money in there, and it doesn't have a cartoon bee on it. Don't let them pay for anything, and if you end up going to, like, a movie or something, you call me on the two-way, okay?
Hank: What about me? Any advice to help me score with my mystery date?
Brock: Yeah, don't say "score" or anything close to "mystery date" in front of her, and don't do that "do you like seafood" joke either.
Hank: Can do, 'cause she would totally know that joke already.

Dean: THEY'RE HERE!
Hank: Dude, sit down. You have to play it cool. Observe how I scope out my mystery date whilst I pretend to look at my watch. (Sees Kim with Triana walking in) Holy moley, look at my date! She's a supervillain, possibly a Medusa. Dean, I am not kidding, she has rope for hair and a shiny costume. Aw, not fair, she's wearing goggles! Told you she would dig my Batman suit, but NO!

The Monarch: (sighing) Jollyrancher82, never get henchmen.
Jollyrancher82: You know, that's not my real name.
The Monarch: Well, how was I supposed to know? I used my real name.
Jollyrancher82: I just thought, you know... "The Monarch," I thought you were into cosplay...
The Monarch: Real name! And I am into costumed business, not costumed play. (seeing Dr. Girlfriend walk in) Shit! They're here! Fawn over me! Treat me as if I were candy!!
Jollyrancher82: Wow, she's gorgeous.
The Monarch: She is heat incarnate. When I met her, she looked like that girl Saffron from the band Republica. She had those red streaky things in her hair.
Jollyrancher82: I heard that she was (whispering) kind of manly.
The Monarch: That's ridiculous, who would say such things? The woman is a delicate flower. That chode she's with, that's Phantom Limb. When he was in college, he was a scrawny little wuss. In a desperate attempt to be cooler than guys like me, he had his 12-year-old roommate create a machine that speeds up the muscle building process. The machine worked so well that every molecule in his extremities was accelerated beyond the speed of light. There were two side effects. One! He could mess up a guy just by touching him. And two! He became a humorless dick!

#24: (on Phantom Limb) How do you think he floats like that?
#21: Well, he's not floating — his legs are invisible.
#24: What?
#21: Yeah. He used to be a good guy, actually. When he and Billy — that, you know, weird midget who won a bunch of money on Card Sharks — invented a time machine, he became a villain; and the way I heard the story is that the time machine was, like, broken or something, so Phantom Limb's arms and legs and Billy's hand were sent forty years into the future.
#24: I loved Card Sharks.
#21: It's a great show.

Kim: Wow, that guy's, like, just a torso.
Hank: Yeah, that's Phantom Limb. I don't think he professionally hates my dad, but he totally hates my dad. I think he used to be a famous magician. And one time, while performing for the Queen of England, he accidentally made his arms and legs disappear. They are now on the Moon with a bunch of rabbits and doves and...and playing cards and pretty assistants and some milk.
Dean: Never happened.
Hank: Did. I also heard he sliced off a kid's hand and ate it. Yeah, it was that big-headed guy that operated on your balls, Dean.
Dean: HANK, don't you have to go to the bathroom?
Hank: Whoa, what are you, psychic? I totally do — weird. Well ladies, it seems that young Dean here needs an escort to the bathroom. If there's any trouble, you just give the Hankinator a holler.

Phantom Limb: I need an immediate Blackout: 4 and a robot. Syndicate number: Victor. Echo. November. Seven. Niner.
Watch: Roger. Dispatching Blackout team now. (looks over at Ward whose playing with mp3 player) What are you doing?
Ward: I hate that song.
The Monarch: Hm. "Niner." Nice touch.

Dr. Venture: (about "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas") Brock, I am this close to seeing Dolly's goods. I mean, they can't sing forever. Honestly, this nonsense happens once a week. I'm not gonna... Why are you naked?
Brock: To prey on their fear, move like an animal, to feel the kill.
Dr. Venture: Alright, now you're scaring me. What's going on?
Brock: I dunno. (holding the decapitated head of a guild henchman) But judging from these goggles, it's The Guild. Seems like you made it to the big league, what'd you do?
Dr. Venture: Nothing! I was just sitting here, watching the worst porno ever. Is that a head?

Brock: We might not win this one. You get to the panic room!
Dr. Venture: Okay. Just let me finish peeing on myself...

Dr. Girlfriend: Well, isn't this wonderful? My favorite part was when you (Phantom Limb) decided to kill the Venture family. No, wait, it was when your (The Monarch) fake date ran off crying. Come on, Monarch, how old was she? ("Jollyrancher82")
The Monarch: Will you look at me? I'm in a fucking evil butterfly costume! What age group do you think is going to be attracted to me!?
Dr. Girlfriend: Super. Well, if you gentlemen will excuse me, I'm going to powder my nose or whatever the cliche is.
The Monarch: Hoooo, nice one! Look what you did.
Phantom Limb: Yeah, I did that.

Brock: Strange, you almost can't feel it. No, don't move. The knife is still in you, the blade right between the kidney and the spleen, just a twitch...
Guild Stranger: It feels almost...cold...
Brock: You tell me your target and I slide the knife out. You might live. Or-
Guild Stranger: Blackout. Four and a robot.
Brock: Good boy.
Guild Stranger: I think you may have got the kidney. I don't want to die alone. (cough) Don't...don't go.
Brock: I don't think I hit your kidney...
Guild Stranger: No you...no you totally did. (cough) Please... please hold me...
Brock: Look, I'm pretty sure I missed the kidney, I mean you could bleed to death in like four hours, but uh...
Guild Stranger: I-I see a tunnel. I'm scared. Could you... could you stroke my hair?
Brock: All right, look, you are not gonna-
Guild Stranger: Then could you sing to me? Could you sing a Technotronic song? Maybe... "Pump Up The Jam"?
Brock: I don't know-
Guild Stranger: What about "Move This"!? Do you know that one!?!?
Brock: (sigh, then starting to sing) Baby, let me...

(Dean tells Hank he has a stain on his pants)
Hank: What? Ahh, come on!! Why does that happen? I shook it so hard I almost hit that pink puck.
Dean: Well, did you dab?
Hank: What?
Dean: Dab. Did you dab?
Hank: Uhh... no.
Dean: I dab.
Hank: Well I don't.
Dean: You should dab.
Hank: Stop saying dab!

Dr. Venture: (weak from blood loss) If you don't come save me, I'm going to fire you Brock.
Brock: (over the radio) You gotta try to hold on, Doc! I'll be back soon!
Dr. Venture: Brock... You're fired...

The Monarch: (sighing) Steak fries... always soggy.

(Dean attempts to put out the fire on Hank's crotch in the bathroom)
Hank: Dude! Stop wailing on my junk! Throw water on it!
Dean: No way! That's what started this!
Hank: Well, then take it easy! Just dab. Dab it!
#24: (looking from stall) I can't believe it's hard to kill these two.
#21: (on the toilet) Don't talk to me. If I push any harder, I'm gonna pop a gasket.

Phantom Limb: Blackout Target Victor Echo November Seven Niner is in Daddy's lap. Repeat, in Daddy's lap. Call off Blackout team. Daddy is going to put the boys to bed... himself. (earpiece chatter and sighs) Yes, I'm going to kill them. It's a very simple metaphor.
Watch: Copy, Big Daddy. (looks over at Ward who's STILL fiddling with his mp3 player) What... just play something!
Ward: How many Yaz albums do you have on here?

Kim: Can I ask you a question?
Dr. Girlfriend: (sighs) Yes, I belong in here; I just have a deep voice.
Kim: Okay. Can I ask you another one?
Dr. Girlfriend: Yeah, sure.
Kim: What color lipstick is that?
Dr. Girlfriend: "Pink Poodle". It's a MAC color. They give a Guild discount. You're in the Guild. Aren't you?
Kim: I don't know what the Guild means.
Dr. Girlfriend: Tell me about it. I don't know anymore myself. So, do you work, uh, single, number 2 a man?
Kim: Um, I don't really have a guy.
Dr. Girlfriend: Well, let me give you my card, I like your look. Yeah, I've had it up to here with men and I think we'd make a nice team. Call me.
Kim: Did you see that? That woman just totally hit on me.
Triana Orpheus: She wasn't hitting on you. Read the card.
Kim: Oh my god! I knew it. She's a supervillian, that is so cool! She thought I was a bad guy, I am so gonna to do this.

(Brock jumps through the bathroom window)
Dean: Naked!

(Brock sneaks up behind #24 and #21 in the bathroom stall and puts a knife to Number 24's throat)
#21: Holy crap!
#24: Whatever it is we didn't do it!
Brock: I believe you. Stay here, don't do anything, you understand?
#24: Yes sir, yes I understand sir.
#21: Well on the upside, finally dropped one.
#24: Yeah, me too.
(Brock appears in the next bathroom stall and puts a knife to The Monarch's throat)
The Monarch: Hello, Brock. (clears throat) I was wondering when you would show up. I had nothing to do with this. Phantom Nimrod was showing off in front of my girlfriend, I told him.
Brock: Alright, stay out of this one.
The Monarch: No duh. He's in the next stall. Hey, how's that dickweed boss of yours?
Brock: Don't push it!
The Monarch: Mmmm... nice ass, Samson.

(After a dramatic pause, Brock and Phantom Limb shake hands)
Brock: Ha ha ha, for a minute there I thought you were gonna do your killer hand thing.
Phantom Limb: So did I.

Kim: I'm gonna be a supervillain.
Hank: Yeah, I'm gonna be Batman!
Venture Bros.: Go Team Venture! (They do hand signal in the air)
Triana Orpheus: Dude, I warned you.
Kim: I think I just found my first archenemies.

Dr. Venture: (about Billy's hand) How'd that happen anyway?
Master Billy Quizboy: That's an excellent question. I have no idea.

Master Billy Quizboy [After re-attaching Dr. Venture's arm]: Oh yeah, it's a musical. you never get to see anything! Well, you're good as new, Dr. Venture. Don't lift anything for a while or your arm might fall off.
Dr. Venture: Really?
Master Billy Quizboy: No, I'm joking. But seriously, don't lift anything for a while... because your arm could fall off.

Love-Bheits[edit]

The Ventures crash land in Ünderland. Baron Ünderbheit captures them, obsessed with taking revenge on Dr. Venture, but mistakes Dean for a woman. Brock, Hank, and Dr. Venture are meanwhile rescued by Catclops and Girl Hitler's underground resistance group.
Dr. Venture: Henry Alan Venture! Are you hearing this? What do you have to say for yourself?
Hank: (in a low voice) I am the Bat.
Dr. Venture: Yes, yes, you're "The Bat!" And the Bat is the reason we didn't take best costume, mister, again! Last year it was Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion and "The Bat!" Oh and how about the time we were the hard rocking quartet of Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Ace Frehley, and the Bat?!
Hank: The night is mine!
Dr. Venture: Sell it somewhere else, Hank. It's not me you should be apologizing to. Poor Brock spent a month sewing his group theme appropriate costume.
Hank: (normal voice) That's probably why he won best costume.
Dr. Venture: What, is that sass I hear? (sarcastically) Oh, look everybody! Hank's back!

Hank: Ow!
Dean: What's the matter?
Hank: My tongue keeps getting caught in the mouth slit.
Dean: Don't stick it in the slit then.
Hank: I can't help it! It's maddening.

Manservant: He's here, your graciousness!
Baron Ünderbheit: Who?
Manservant: Dr. Venture, your...
Baron Ünderbheit: Say it again and it will be your last... time... saying his name.

Baron Ünderbheit: Ooh, my sweet little Rusty, how many years have I longed for this moment? How many years has it been since... COLLEGE!?!

Baron Ünderbheit: Say hello to goodbye, Dr. Venture!

{The X-1 is going down)
Hank Venture: (in the fetal position)I'm the bat I'm the bat I'm the bat I'm the bat...

Dr. Venture: Lock down auxiliary power!
Brock: Gotta make it to the border!!
Dr. Venture: Chewie, lock down auxiliary power!

(The X-1 is crash landing)
Dr. Venture: Minefield, minefield!
Brock: I SEE IT!!
Dean Venture: Everybody into the black box! It's indestructible!

(after the X-1 crashes)
Dr. Venture: Yeah, pretty sure my scoliosis is going the other way now.
Hank: My butt won't stop making a fist!
Dean: At least you have one.
Dr. Venture: You're blessed with your father's ass, Dean. Learn to love stadium cushions. I told you to lock down...
Brock: We don't have auxiliary power!!!

(Brock Samson has just handed Doctor Venture a tooth containing arsenic)
Brock: Don't take all of it.
Doctor Venture: Or else what? I'll accidentally overdose on poison?

(Hank scouts around the corner and sees several Underland Guardsman. He silently gives Brock a complex series of commando-style code gestures)
Brock: You have no idea what that means, do you?
Hank: Sure I do!
Brock:You're just having fun with your hands, aren't you?
Hank: No...

(After defeating Ünderbheit's guards, Hank finds one still alive)

Hank: Brock! Questioning?
Brock: That's the one.
Hank: (grabs the guard) WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR? (guard spins and locks Hank) Ow!
Brock: We know that part, Hank. Like this. (grabs guard's groin, guard screams in pain) Where's the wedding be held? Talk!
Ünderbheit Guard: Go ahead! The pain will be nothing compared to what the master will do to me if I betray him! (Brock clenches tighter, screams more) This is still nothing compared to what the master... (Brock appears shocked) What?
Brock: ...Nothin'.
Ünderbheit Guard: No, what?
Brock: I, uh... I don't- I don't know how to tell you this but I... feel a, uh... a lump.
Ünderbheit Guard: Are you serious?
Brock: Yeah... I'm so sorry, man.
Ünderbheit Guard: Oh. Oh god. Ooooh god.
Brock: Yeah, I just feel awful...
Ünderbheit Guard: How do you think I feel?
Brock: Yeah, yeah, maybe uh... we should uh...
Ünderbheit Guard: I... I must go to my wife.
Brock: Yeah, yeah. You should do that. (Venture points in the opposite direction) Hey, uh, I know it's a bad time to ask and all but...
Ünderbheit Guard: The wedding. Yeah. Yeah, fine. I don't care anymore. It's in the observatory, on a flight up, through this door. (Hank moves behind guard and gives him a wedgie)
Dr. Venture & Brock: HANK!!
Hank: Well I didn't get to do anything!!

(Team Venture has been brought to Baron Ünderbheit's laboratory under guard)
Baron Ünderbheit: What are they doing here? Put them in the holding cells while I decide how they are to die!
Manservant: We don't... we don't have holding cells, Your Thoughfulness.
Baron Ünderbheit: No holding...! Fine. Put them in... the pantry.

(Dean already knows that Baron Ünderbheit has sent them to a holding cell)
Dean Venture: What have you done with Pop?!?
Baron Ünderbheit: Your father is resting comfortably in a makeshift holding cell, soon--
Dean Venture: What have you done with my brother?!?
Baron Ünderbheit: He, too, is being held in the--
Dean Venture: What have you done with our secret agent bodyguard?!?
Baron Ünderbheit: (frustrated) They're all in the same place, okay?!?

(After Dr. Venture reads the wedding invitation for Baron Ünderbheit and Dr. Venture's "daughter, Dawn.")

Hank: I have a sister? Named Dawn?? How long have you been keeping this from me?
Brock: Hank, no. I-I think...
Hank: Don't defend him, Brock! You knew about this, didn't you? Does Dean? What else haven't you told us??
Doctor Venture: Brock, you speak crazy, do something about him.
Brock: Hank, Baron Ünderbheit...
Hank: Good gravy! You're right, Brock! This is just what he wants. For us to turn on each other. And I played right into their hands. Dammit!

(a block from the pantry wall falls and a resistance agent peeks out)

Resistance: (gasps) Who are you?
Hank: The Wallflower! So we meet again!!
Brock: Nah, nah, the Wallflower had that thing on his head...
Dr. Venture: Lamest. Villain. Ever.

[A eunuch is preparing to give Dean, believed to be a girl, a bath]
Eunuch: Please, I'm a eunuch. You think the Baron would allow another set of balls near his wife? And don't worry, honey, even when I had 'em, you've got nothing I'm interested in. [Pulls down Dean's Princess Leia loincloth] ROOSTER IN THE HEN HOUSE!!
[Dean and the eunuch both scream in very high-pitched voices]
Eunuch: I'm fixed, what's your excuse?

Resistance: You haven't come to rescue us? Then why did you bring the Bat person? And Chewbacca Wookie?

Dean: I'm not a woman! I'm a boy science adventurer, like my father before me! (drops robes)

Brock: Hank, no! It's suicide!
Hank: Well then I'll see you in Heck! (runs screaming down hall)
Dr. Venture: (sarcastically) Thank goodness, Hank's going to save us all. (glances at Brock) Oh, what are you so worried about? I can make another one. Hey, maybe he'll surprise us! He does get that kind of retard strength when he's all worked up.

Catclops: You mess with the cat, you get the clops!
Girl Hitler: Yeah, und you mess with the girl, you get the Hitler!
Catclops: Marry me.

Baron Ünderbheit: Catclops? So you survived? Wait a minute, the cat hairs in my water! (lunges at Catclops) OF COURSE!!

Baron Ünderbheit: Is that what you think? Oh that is rich, I will have to tell Manservant that one. And he will have to laugh.

Dean:Wow, a girl president! How progressive!
Hank: And a Hitler! Boy, things are really looking up!

Hank (To Dean, while lying on the floor, bleeding) I cut my tongue on my mask.

Fallen Arches[edit]

When the Guild of Calamitous Intent finally approves Dr. Orpheus for his very own arch-nemesis he calls upon old friends The Alchemist and Jefferson Twilight to resurrect their former super-team, The Order of the Triad. While they audition supervillain candidates at the Venture Compound, a jealous Doc isn't about to let Orpheus steal the show. Let loose the Walking Eye!
Jefferson Twilight: Yes, I only hunt blaculas.
Guild Candidate: Oh, so you only hunt African-American vampires?
Twilight: No, sometimes I hunt British vampires. They don't have "African Americans" in England!
Candidate: Oh yeah, huh, good point.
Twilight: So I hunt blaculas.
Candidate: I was just trying to be...
Twilight: Man, I specialize in hunting black vampires, I don't know what the P.C. name for that is!

Jefferson Twilight: On three we give him the old Rochambeau.
The Alchemist: Rock-paper-scissors?
Dr. Orpheus: What does a general from the American Revolution have to do with this?
Jefferson Twilight: American Revolution? Rochambeau sound...sounds French to me.
Dr. Orpheus: Well yes, the Franco-American forces.
Jefferson Twilight: They fought with spaghetti-o's and meatballs?
The Alchemist: Why would a company called Franco-American make Italian food?

#24: Boooooo!!
#21: Ah! Dude, I was about to kill you! I have dangerous cat-like reflexes.
#24: Oh yeah, you were terrifying when you crapped your pants.

Hank: (reading Triana's message in the bathroom mirror) "I'm in the Torrid Zone. Call my feather". We need to find her feather!

Hank: I'm in the bathroom and you gotta get in here! It smells like... like gun powdered-throw up-poo poo eggs!

Dean: You should see a doctor! It smells like you pounded garbage into your butt!
Hank: Knock it off. We have a mystery in our bathroom. Query: Can flames come out of a toilet?
Dean: Hank, if you did this...
Hank: I didn't! Dude, if I did this, I would tell you! I would be, like, almost proud of this!

Triana: Ooohhh, Hank! What is wrong with you?
Dean: Right? It smells like a bible story in here.
Triana: Did my grandpa teach you to crap?

#21: We're -totally- going to fly into some hot chick's bedroom!.
#24: Oh totally! And she'll be like, dating the good guy. And I'll come in and be all; "I'll spare his life, but only for you s-sugarpants"
#21: (Grabbing #24's shoulders, shaking him roughly) Dude! And then you will have sex! You will be having sex! Sex!

The Monarch: Oh, but which door to choose? That one can have fun, surprises, and a year's supply of Turtle Wax behind it.... (the prostitute opens the door, and a polar bear pounces on her) ... or the polar bear from Lost!

The Monarch: (to the prostitute) I don't blame you for desiring me...the Monarch is DELICIOUS!!!

Ward: So you share a lair with Dr. Orpheus?
Dr. Venture: Hardly. He rents an apartment from me.
Watch: I can't believe that we are standing in the same conference room the Treaty of Tolerance was signed in!
Ward: Yes. So cool. Your father is a legend at the Guild.
Watch: Yeah, legend! He's responsible for stealing my father's leg!
Ward: Don't start me! The REAL Dr. Venture was the reason I got into this business!
Dr. Venture: Hey, just keep the nuts away from my lab. Because I have some pretty impressive things going on in there.

(Watch and Ward start snickering)

Ward: (to Ward, still snickering) No, shut up. Oh yeah, we'll do our best to keep them away from your...
Watch: (still snickering) Impressive...
Ward: Yeah, impressive stuff.
Dr. Venture: You better! Where's Mr. Magic? How come the prom queen isn't here to crown his king?
Ward: He's astral projecting, I think.
Dr. Venture: Showoff...
Watch: To assemble his team.
Dr. Venture: A team? You mean he was approved as a team? What a wuss! (starts chuckling, then stops)
Ward: (fakes clearing his throat) Jealous!

Prostitute: Think you can give me directions back to Liberty Street?
The Monarch: Listen and listen well. The road before you is beset with many perils! Every turn you make will bring you closer to the cold awaiting hands of Sister Fate!
Prostitute: Or just the center of town? Do you have a pen? Maybe I should...
The Monarch: Fear me, Theseus, for I AM THE MIGHTY MINOTAUR! [Disrobes, revealing a large minotaur tattoo on his back) This Cocoon has witnessed your sins, and she seeks vengeance! The Cocoon will punish the wicked, the Cocoon will reward the righteous! You must escape from her grasp, you must earn your freedom!
Prostitute: Dude, I don't have time for... (A trap door beneath the bed opens, sending the Prostitute down)
The Monarch: How much do you want to live?!

Dr. Venture: (trying to explain the birds and the bees to Dean) I'm going to explain to you what most boys your age (pauses) have known for like five years already.

Brock: (watching the guild candidates attack the walking robotic eye) Well, I'm gonna go out there and get some of that action.
Dr. Venture: Uhh... Don't you wanna change?
Brock: No way. I love wearing a tux when I kill guys. Makes you feel kinda like James Bond.

Order of the Triad: (Dr. Orpheus, Jefferson Twilight, and the Alchemist do their "thing") Order of the Triad... Go!
Dr. Venture: Get out of my kitchen.

#24: I can't believe that whore stole my Stanza.
#21: I can't believe that whore made it through the lake of acid.

Dr. Venture: Alright Dean,I,er...need to talk about a few things with you.
Dean: Hank did it.

Dr. Orpheus: Do not drink the chocolate milk!

Guess Who's Coming to State Dinner?[edit]

When the Gargantua-1 Space Station breaks orbit and crashes into a wanted terrorist, Colonel Bud Manstrong becomes a national hero. But did it really happen or is Bud's mother, the indomitable Mrs. Manstrong, behind an insidious plot to assassinate the President? The mysterious blinking band aid on Bud's head might be the key to a mystery only the ghost of Abraham Lincoln and Team Venture can solve.
[Doctor Venture is jealous that Bud Manstrong is getting so much attention]
Doctor Venture: They might as well give a medal to the seats while they're pinning one on "Luck Rogers" over there.
Brock: (with disbelief) "Luck Rogers"?
Doctor Venture: (chuckles) You like that? I almost said "Flash in the pan Gordon".
Brock: Glad you didn't.

[Brock has just had an unfortunate run-in with Hauser, a member of the Secret Service]
Doctor Venture: Friend of yours?
Brock: We were in 'Nam together.
Doctor Venture: Oh. Wait, you were like 10 during Vietnam.
Brock: Well, I didn't say during the war.

President Breyer: Ladies and gentlemen, a toast to Colonel Bud Manstrong, a man of bravery, integrity, an indominable spirit of--
Mrs. Manstrong: Oh, quit blowing smoke up the boy's ass, Breyer! We all know the real reason Bud's here. Your administration is in the crapper, and you need Mrs. Manstrong's little Boy Scout on the team to polish that turd.

Doctor Venture: Hey, Bud! Or is it Budley? Budward? What's Bud short for?
Bud Manstrong: Nothing. It's just Bud.

President Breyer: How'd you like to be Vice-President?
Bud Manstrong: Me?!
President Breyer: Hell yeah, you! Who'd do think I'm talking about; you're a genuine hero, boy. The Bureau can't find a damn thing on you, and plus, you're a little bit of the eye candy for the ladies. Speakin' of which...(opens door) take a pick.
Bud Manstrong: I'm...not sure I follow you, Sir.
President Breyer: Any of my secretarial staff, 'cept the one in the blue dress that smells like this!
(Holds his finger up to Bud's nose)
Bud Manstrong: Oh, dear lord!
President Breyer: (laughs) That's Phyllis — got my name written all over her...literally! I once wrote my name on the front of her dress with the tip of my...
Bud Manstrong: OH NO! I'm not hearing this, I'm not hearing this! Good evening, sir!
(Walks out of the office)
President Breyer: (into intercom) Uh, Cass, I'll take that blowjob now.

Hank: Dude, what is your damage?
Dean: I saw something! I think this place is... haunted!
Hank: Aw, you're just being superstitious.
Dean: I am not! Just extra-stitious.

Doctor Venture: Oh, come on, Brock! This might be five minutes! I've been practicing my pitch all week!
Brock: (scoffs) You just have no clue, do you? These aren't a bunch of fake pirates or dicks in rubber butterfly suits, Doc. We're talking about the United States Secret Service.
Doctor Venture: Please, we'll both be off the hook when he feasts his eyes on what I've got to offer. The thing sells itself! If it doesn't I can't afford to pay you this month.
Brock: You don't pay me.

[Hauser is about to shoot the portable forcefield generator to shut it off]
Doctor Venture: I wouldn't do that. They're nuclear batteries.
President Breyer: Nuke-a-lar?
Doctor Venture: Well, that's not actually a word, but yes.

Lincoln's Ghost: Venture Brothers!
Dean: (screams)
Lincoln's Ghost: You must help me! Colonel Manstrong is going to assassinate the president!
Dean: Hank! Wake up! It's the ghost of Abraham Lincoln!
Hank: (waking up) Who?

Lincoln's Ghost: Microchip! Microchip! It's in the back of his head! His mother is using it to control him and she's going to make him assassinate the president!
Dean: It just sounds a little far-fetched.
Hank: Yeah, thank you, I'm glad you said it.
Lincoln's Ghost: Didn't either of you see The Manchurian Candidate? Not even the remake with Denzel? Come on, I've been dead for seven score years and even I—
Hank: Who is this guy?
Lincoln's Ghost: Abraham Lincoln! Sixteenth president of the United States! Come on, you're kidding me!
Dean: Yeah, didn't you learn anything in bed?
Lincoln's Ghost: All right. All right, how 'bout this? I'm the five dollar bill guy.
Hank: You invented the five dollar bill?
Lincoln's Ghost: Yes, Hank. (shaking his head in resignation) Yes, I did. Dean, you seem to be a little more on the ball here. Help me stop Manstrong.
Dean: Why do you need us?
Lincoln's Ghost: Because I'm immaterial. Look at this. (Passes arm through Hank and Dean.) It's a no go! I need to possess one of your bodies. Just for a little while. Until I can stop him. Will one of you do that for me? For the Union?
Hank: Not it!
Dean: Not it!
Hank: OnetwothreefourfivesixseveneightninetenJINX! You owe me a coke!
Dean: Aww.

(Dean, possessed by the Ghost of Abraham Lincoln, tries to kiss Hank.)
Hank: Eww!
(Hank slaps Dean, knocking Lincoln out of him and onto the floor.)
Hank: Dude, what the dilly?!
Dean: Did it work? What happened?
Hank: Honest Abe's a 'mo, that's what happened.
Lincoln's Ghost: Sorry! Sorry. I don't know what came over me. It was just a bit overwhelming to have a body again. All those hormones. Whoo! (Stands up.) Right. Just let me try this again. I'm ready for it this time. (Begins to step into Dean.) Who's Triana, by the way?
Dean: Ah! Just get in!
(Lincoln steps into Dean's body.)
Hank: And no funny business!
Lincoln's Ghost: Yes already! Like you boys never experimented.
Hank: Dean!

Hauser: (to Brock) Nice one. Everything you touch turns to suck. It's official.

Doctor Venture: Oh, no, they called my brother? Could this be any more embarrassing? (mockingly to Dr. Venture, Jr. through the forcefield) Yeah, all right, hi! I see you! Go to hell!

Jonas Venture, Jr.: What are you trying to do there, Dean?
Hank: We're helping our new ghost pal!
General Manhowers: Heh! Now ain't that somethin'? I wish my boy had that kinda creativity!
Dean: Col. Manstrong is going to assassinate the president!
Hank: It's not really his fault though. His mom's controlling him!
General Manhowers: Don't give me that psycho-babble, son! After a certain age, a man needs to take responsibility for his own actions!
Dean: Um... Okay.
General Manhowers: Sure, maybe if I hugged my thick-headed son more he wouldn't have started them fires or stolen all that lacrosse equipment, but dammit! Sometimes they're just bad apples!!

Lincoln's Ghost: (knocks over a tiny statue of himself) Damnation! Forcefield, I didn't see that one coming! Sorry, Dean. Okay, okay! New plan...
Hank: (points at statue) Well, you just KO'd Uncle Sam! Why can't you just do that to an astronaut and his mom?
Lincoln's Ghost: That's not Uncle Sam, it's me! Wouldn't lay a glove on it if it weren't. I can only move things in the material world that bear my image. Wait! That penny in your pocket, Dean! I was able to get that through the forcefield! That's it!
Hank: We build a gun made out of pennies!
Lincoln's Ghost: Exactly! Wait, no, that's insane! But I have another idea! Boys, I need five dollar bills. Scores of them, 10 score at least!
Dean: How are we gonna find that many.
Hank: How, how. What are you, an owl? He can make it with his magic!
Ghost of Abraham Lincoln: For the last time, Hank, I'm a ghost, not a genie. You two must find a way!
Hank: Wait, does it matter if it's the new fives or the old ones.
Lincoln's Ghost: I... prefer the new ones? But, whatever! Go! Go!!

Lincoln's Ghost: Oh, FDR. He was a real president. I loved to watch him sleep. Weight of the world on his little polio shoulders. The depression. World War II. He slept like a baby. Now that is a clear conscience. This Breyer guy, though, he's the worst president I've ever seen!

Lincoln's Ghost: My Lincoln sense is tingling! Manstrong's making his move!

Bud Manstrong: Svengali!
Brock: No, no, this is not what it looks like!
Bud Manstrong: First Anna, and now my mother? Have you no shame, you... you Mandingo? (takes of blazer and gets into fighting stance) Okay, get up! Were doing this! You and me, Samson! Right now! Let's go!
Brock: Come on, man. You know I'm just gonna beat you stupid. I've done it before.
Bud Manstrong: A sucker punch! This time, "schoolyard rules." No cheap shots!
Brock: This is ridiculous! Your mother just...
Bud Manstrong: No mothers!

Lincoln's Ghost: (diving at Manstrong) Here comes the Rail-Splitter!!

Lincoln's Ghost: (after getting shot in the head by Mrs. Manstrong) AHHH! DAMMIT!! NOT AGAIN!!! WHY IN THE HEAD???

Doctor Venture: (seeing replay of crashing Gargantua-1) I knew it! Told you this clown was no hero. He just blacked out in the middle of a hand job.
Lincoln's Ghost: Uh oh.... Someone's playing with his Lincoln Log!

Bud Manstrong: MY GOD IT'S FULL OF STARS!! (passes out)
Lincoln's Ghost: Penny for his thoughts.

Dean: (to the Ghost of Abraham Lincoln) You're still here. Shouldn't you have crossed over?
Doctor Venture: Apparently stopping my bodyguard from beating up a repressed masturbator just isn't enough to get you into Heaven these days. Go figure.
Lincoln's Ghost: You're one to judge, Rusty... I seem to remember a certain fast-handed little red-head, sleeping in the Lincoln bedroom, score and a half years back?
Doctor Venture: All right...
Lincoln's Ghost: (sing-song) Not that you did much sleeping.
Doctor Venture: (covers ears) Okay!

I Know Why the Caged Bird Kills[edit]

The Monarch continues to rebuild his villainous empire with the aid of his shadowy new Number 2, Dr. Henry Killinger, but #21 is suspicious of the deadly foreigner’s unctuous charms. Meanwhile, as Dr. Orpheus attempts to exorcise a Japanese demon from Dr. Venture, a mysterious woman from Doc’s past resurfaces...and she’d kill to find out where Hank and Dean are.

(After destroying an office building floor, the Monarch enters)

The Monarch: (evil laughter, grabs an office worker) Where is he?! WHERE IS VENTURE?!
Office Worker: Venture?
#21: Dude, no, stop!! There's been a mistake!
The Monarch: Oh, what now?!
#21: This isn't the secret Venture compound. It's your accountant's office.
The Monarch: Wha... Are you kidding?? That was like my best entrance ever!!
#21: Yeah, it was excellent!
#24: Very impressive!
The Monarch: This sucks! (calls to other henchmen) Alright. Wrong address, wrong address. Everybody back in the cocoon!
#21: So, uh... Should we, uh...
The Monarch: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take the pens, and the post-its, and the, uh, copy paper! You always need copy paper. And get that security tape!! I want a Quicktime of my minty-fresh entrance posted on my homepage BY TOMORROW!!

Dr. Orpheus: I must consort a higher power!! Wait here while I go to my daughter's closet.

Dr. Killinger: Forgive me, but the problem is one of planning, not one of armament. Mr. The Monarch already has a dazzling armory. What he needs is a strategist. A man of his prestige cannot simply go after an enemy all willy-nilly.
#21: You can't give an enema a free willy what?
The Monarch: Shut up, 21. You might learn something from this guy.
Dr. Killinger: What you need is a second-in-command who understands the intricacies of organized villiany. This I can offer you.
The Monarch: Perfect! You're hired, uh... number...
Dr. Killinger: Number Killinger. Doctor Henry Killinger. And this is my Magic Murder Bag.

Brock: Hey, have you seen the boys? They were supposed to be practicing for their road test but it looks like they forgot the car part. What, uh... what are you guys, uh... into there?
Dr. Venture: Orpheus is making me follow that magic head thing I told you about.
Dr. Orpheus: We're very close to divining its will!!
Brock: Aww, he's got you doin' it now. You guys are cute together. I'm going to go look for the boys. (to himself) Story of my life.

Dr. Orpheus: It stopped! It seems interested in this automobile. Tell me, is it associated with some recent sin of yours?
Dr. Venture: Pfft. I wish. I can't remember the last time I got lucky in that car. Unless you count the dollar I found under the seat.

Dr. Killinger: The Venture problem is very volatile. We must approach it with caution, but first we need to address other drastic issues. The floating cocoon is in bad need of...
#24: The cocoon's fine! I think the problem is you!
#21: He's right! Yeah, everybody just thinks you're sooo great, but you're just sooo not!
#24: Yeah! Who do you think you are?
#21: I mean, come on! This guy just waltzes in here with his huge baby-bearing hips and he starts changing everything.
Dr. Killinger: That's not fair. I never chose my figure.

#24: Oh, that's right! Come on in! Don't knock or anything. After all, I only live in a cocoon with 80 guys and no women. So there's NO chance I'd be masturbating...

[H.E.L.P.E.R. beeps a comment while "When the Levee Breaks" is playing.]
Brock: Jock rock my ass! Listen to those lyrics, man. It's all about love and longing!
[H.E.L.P.E.R. responds.]
Brock: Yes.... and hobbits too. Look, it's a metaphor! They wrote about a lot of other stuff! Why am I arguing with a robot?
[H.E.L.P.E.R. responds.]
(Brock looks at his waistwatch)
Brock: Right up ahead.
(Brock gets out of the car)
Brock: Don't think we're done talking about this.

Myra Brandish: Oh, you're up! You can relax. The nightmare's finally over!
Hank: Um... no it isn't.

Myra Brandish: [Dives across the room, grabs a shotgun] Hush-a-bye!

[Hank awakens tied up on a dirty old mattress inside an abandoned motel room.]
Hank: Well isn't this new and different!

Dr. Venture: Wait... I know what you're doing! You're trying to get me in sack!
Dr. Orpheus: (genuinely taken aback) I beg your pardon?!
Dr. Venture: No wonder nobody but you can see that head!
Dr. Orpheus: Wha... How dare...
Dr. Venture: The tights, the jewelry, always tagging along... 'Oh, let me get my big gay cloak and I'll join you!'
Dr. Orpheus: I'm trying to help you!!
Dr. Venture: Help me out of my Speed Suit!!

Dr. Orpheus: Master! Master, are you here? I have need of your counsel. Ooohh...
The Master: Orpheus, you’re going to love this, check me out, huh? I’m Catherine the Great’s horse, to teach you a lesson about biting off more then you can chew! My partially-lovely assistant, Miss Manyface, will be playing the part of Catherine.
Miss Manyface: Hi.
The Master: Enough with the chatter. Get under there...Don't wince!
Dr. Orpheus: Master, far be it from me to question the relevance of your symbolism, but I'm very certain the whole "horse" thing was an urban legend...

Dr. Venture: Sorry about earlier...I'm probably just still jet lagged, and you know, floating demon head and all.
Dr. Orpheus: Apology accepted. Just...stay on your side of the room! [Trying to Joke] Tiger!
[An Awkward Silence]
Dr. Orpheus:...Yes.
[Another Awkward Silence]
Dr. Venture: You, uh... wanna go halfsies on a skin flick?
Dr. Orpheus: 'Kay.

#21: You can silence me but there will be others. Semper Fidelis Tyrannosaurus!
Dr. Killinger: It's Sic Semper Tyrannis. You said, "Ever faithful terrible lizard."
#21: I did? Cool.

Dr. Girlfriend: Well, I hope you're as good at fighting as you are at talking.
#21: Hell no, look at me! You're the weapons expert. [Watches her defeat the Black Guard effortlessly.]

[Dr. Orpheus is trying to check out of a motel in his usual attire, and meets the catsuited owner, Myra Brandish]
Dr. Orpheus: Isn't it a bit early for a costume party?
Myra Brandish: Why, are you throwing one, Dracula?

The Monarch: What the hell is she doing here?!
Dr. Killinger: This woman has come to rescue you.
The Monarch: From what?!
Dr. Killinger: From loneliness, you silly billy.

Dr. Killinger: (to the Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend) Love is not private. Love is to be shared. I've locked you in. Neither of you may leave until you have reached compromise. Good luck, and may love show you the way. [opens his umbrella and begins to ascend toward the ceiling] Say goodbye to all your pretty children for me.
Dr. Girlfriend: Can you understand what he's saying?
The Monarch: Like... half the time.
Dr. Killinger: (out of frame) My umbrella is stuck on something. I require assistance.

Dr. Killinger: Compromise, my friend, is the essence of diplomacy, and diplomacy is the cornerstone of love. [Singin] Sweeeeeet looooove.

Hank: So is she or isn't she?
Brock: OK, Hank, look! She used to be Power Cat on American Gladiators. Show gets tanked, she checks herself into the nuthouse. Every couple of years, she puts on the old costume, kidnaps you, or tries to kill your dad or burns down the compound. Depends on what meds she's coming off of.
Dean: How come we don't remember her then?
Brock: Look. You don't remember because you're cl--
(Brock & Dr. Venture both say "Cl-cl-cl--" trying not to reveal that both of them are clones)
Hank: I can't help feeling like we're not getting the whole story.
Dean: Right! Maybe she was telling the truth.
Dr. Venture: All right! So I fucked her! What of it?

¡Viva los Muertos![edit]

When Dr. Venture finally succeeds in attaining the holy grail of superscience, the revivification of a human corpse for fun and profit, a washed up gang of wandering former teen sleuths is convinced that the Venture Compound is haunted. Their investigation uncovers something far creepier. Meanwhile, Orpheus shepherds Brock through a crisis of conscience with the help of a New Age shaman and a bizarre tea party.
[A POV shot of a Monarch Henchman's goggles. A strike force assembles by a crevasse near the Venture Compound]
#21: (to the POV) How's it goin', Texas! Ya staying frosty?
[POV nods in agreement]
#21: Better get your game face on, 'cause that's the Venture Compound over there! Yeah, we lost a lot of good men trying to take that place...
[#24 appears]
#24: 21! Why are you wasting your time talking to the new meat? 9 in 10 don't even last a month.

Dr. Orpheus: [To Brock] Ah, but we two souls have shared a cheese sandwich more than twice!

Ted: Darn! Out of gas. (notices Venture Industries) Hey gang! Dig this!! Looks like some sort of secret, abandoned military base!
Val: Patriarchal white pig square's nest.
Ted: Far out, Val. But something's fishy in the state of Denmark. I can feel a mystery coming on!
Patty: Ted, you said I could see my parents.
Ted: This was on the way, Patty.
Patty: We've been driving to my parents' house for ten years. You promised.
Ted: Patty, being out of your box isn't a right, it's a privilege. Baby, you don't wanna go back in your box, do you?
Patty: No!

Dr. Orpheus: [with dramatic flourish] Who is Hector Molina?! And why do they keep sending me his Junk Mail?!?
Ted: Head's up, kids! Think we may have stumbled unto a Dracula factory!

Ted: (after seeing Venturestein) Correction! Dracula-Frankenstein factory!

Dr. Orpheus: Don Rio is a transcendent multidimensional genius, Brock. His every word an onion of infinite leaf! His every Pearl - [Vomits into a bucket] - Oh. Yes. This is coming on now.

Brock: Hey, you know what? I think I... I feel a little bad about killing that guy.
Dr. Orpheus: [Brock's POV, he is shimmering wildly as Brock begins to hallucinate] Yeees, my friend, a splendid first step indee- [vomits again]

Ted: C'mon, Sonny. Mystery.
Sonny: Fuck your mystery, man...I...I'm sick!
Ted: [holds up a prescription bottle] Sonny... bet you'll come out for some Groovy Treats.
[Sonny scrambles out of the Mystery Van and falls in the mud, to the amusement of the gang]

Dean: Why do we have to eat breakfast with your dead guy?
Dr. Venture: Venturestein's been through a lot, Dean.
Hank: Venturestein!
Dr. Venture: You like that?
Hank: Sure do, Pop!
Dr. Venture: Good boy, Hank. Dean, right now Hank is better than you.

Brock: It's bad, Doc, real bad. The boys saw their own clones. Think they're in some kind of... saw your own clone...coma.

Dr. Venture: More power! I must have more power! Look Brock, his fingers! They're twitching!
Brock: Yeah, well, a stiff will do that if you shove a gigavolt up its ass.
Dr. Venture:: No, he's alive! ALIVE I tell you!
Brock: Uh, sure Doc.

[POV opens eyes]

Brock: Holy shit.

Hank: Hey Pop, why's the top of that guy's head black?
Dr. Venture: Not black, Hank! African American. The top of that guy's head is African American.
Dean: Dad, why's the top of this guy's head African American?
Dr. Venture: Because Brock caved in his original cranium and I had to use whatever fits.

Patty: I don't know about this, Ted...
Ted: Patty, if God didn't want us to solve this mystery, he wouldn't have had us run out of gas here.
Patty: But...what's the mystery?
Sonny: Hey, y'know, we're not out of gas, man...We got a five gallon tank in the back of the...
Ted: [hits Sonny] Why do you hate God so much?
Sonny: I don't hate God, man...
Ted: Well, God thinks you hate him, and that's just as bad as hating him. So how about you and Groovy go and start looking for some clues!
Sonny: Clues to what? What is your trip?
Ted: [Upbeat] Clues to why I don't chain you to the back of my van and road haul you until you're nothing but a pelvis - wearing a belt!
Groovy the Bloodhound: Guy's pissin' on your lawn, man.

Groovy the Bloodhound: Painted lips!... School-girl outfits!... And zer pretty hair, Sonny... zer hair needs to be punished, Sonny...
Sonny: Would ya give it a rest, Grooves?
Groovy the Bloodhound: Start doing zer Master's bidding! Yer already filthy wiz wrath and sin!

[Looking at a globe]
Hank: Where the heck did they put African America?

[Upon discovering the room filled with slug clones of the Venture Brothers]
Ted: You're not ghosts! You're the fucking Boys from Brazil!

Dr. Venture: Brock, I need dead people. Lots and lots of dead people.
Brock: Uh-huh.
Dr. Venture: Now I've already got 12 from the henchmen you killed, not counting the black guy without the head, but we need like, uh, 100 something. We need like a full gross of dead people.
Brock: Right, and, uh... where are we gonna get all these dead people?
Dr. Venture: Well, I thought, seeing as you are... you know, you and all, I thought maybe... you could go out and--
Brock: No.
Dr. Venture: --make some...
Brock: No.
Dr. Venture: ...dead people.
Brock: No.
Dr. Venture: Well, fine. Thanks a lot for not helping.
Brock: Anything else?
Dr. Venture: HELP ME GET DEAD PEOPLE!

Dr. Orpheus: Ah, Mr. Venture. I caught you.
Dr. Venture: (unenthusiastic) Yay.
Dr. Orpheus: As per our landlord tenant agreement I've come to inform you of a small gathering I will host from, say, 5 in the post meridian until, question mark.
Dr. Venture: Whatever. Knock yourself out.

Dr. Orpheus: [Referring to Venturestein] Is that man dead?
Dr. Venture: Uh, no.
Dr. Orpheus: Once again Mr. Venture you cut decency to the quick and leave her to die in prostitute ally!
Venturestein: Prostituuuutes!

Brock: Why's he gotta cry like that?
Hank: I think you scare him.
Brock: Well, I'm not the one who froze his corpse or nuked him back from the Great Beyond to be a half-dead short bus seat warmer.
Dr. Venture: But you did kill him. And then when I unkilled him you kind of did it again.
Hank: You hit him so hard he has an afro now!

Brock: Yeah, he was just this guy... guy in a butterfly suit who got in over his head. And I could see it in his eyes that if I let him get away this one time he'd never come back...but then, I also thought...y'know...Kill 'im. What kind of way is that ta -
Shaman: Quanto! (Begins to Mumble)
Shaman's Interpreter: Wuh - one time, I am in the Amazon, on my canoe, and I see, swim, the dolphin, the, uh, the beautiful dolphin, so I slip out of my canoe, and I grab her, this...fish...(Shaman mimes a penis penetrating a vagina, placing one finger through two looped together)...and, uh, then I fucked it... the fish!
Brock: The Hell's that got to with anything?
Shaman: Kayho Hadaile!
Shaman's Interpreter: Hot dolphin!
Brock: [suddenly realizing] You're an idiot!

Dolphin: You see, Brock Samson, we're all one. We all share the same need for shelter, warmth, fulfillment. The secret of happiness lies not in conquest, but in empathy.
[The dolphin is speared in the back and ripped out from under Brock, then drawn up into the belly button of what appears to be a very large and very naked woman, though her face is obscured]
Brock: Wooooaaah. Better dolphin!
[The 'Woman' Leans forward, revealing 'Her' true face]
Col. Hunter Gathers: Samson!!
Brock: Hunter?!
Hunter: What is all this namby-pamby feel bad about good wet work bullshit?! You're beyond good and evil, Superman! You work for the government.
Brock: What about uhhh, humanity and empathy and all that garbage?
Hunter: Who cares? You're going to special ops heaven.
Brock: Really?
Hunter: Really! And it's god damned great! [He flies upwards, clutching Brock to him] The G-Man Valhalla! There's trim and guns everywhere. And we eat steak flavored clouds and poop secrets!
Brock: [Hugging one of Hunter's gigantic Breasts] But you're not even dead. You're a woman!
Hunter: And you're a tool, boy, a tool! Built for a single purpose by the United States of shut your third god damned eye for a good fucking reason! You can't teach a hammer to love nails, son. That dog don't hunt!
[Brock awakens]
Brock: DON'T! HUNT!

[The Groovy Gang are fleeing Venturestein when they run into Brock]
Ted: NO! Another one!
Brock: DON'T HUNT!
Ted: Not so fast, los—[Brock grabs his arm] Don't shoot me!
Sonny: Mine is the sword of Michael! [the gun fires, shooting Sonny] I'm bleeding all over!
[Brock head butts Ted, killing him]
Sonny: [dying] I'm so cold, man...I'm so fuckin' cold.

Val: The few remaining men will exist as studs, breeding in the cow pasture. Or they could go off to the nearest suicide center where they'll be quietly gassed to death.
Ted: Come on, guys!
[Val gropes Patty’s breasts]
Patty: Val, don’t.

Showdown at Cremation Creek (Part I)[edit]

The Monarch finally (for like the fourth time) has Team Venture in his clutches at the one time he doesn’t want them – smack dab in the middle of the social event of the supervillain season. The stage is set for a deadly, ultimate showdown between The Monarch and Phantom Limb for the hand of Dr. Girlfriend.

Dr. Girlfriend: All right, I knew you couldn't handle this! It's crazy. We've been meeting in this crappy hotel, like, three times a week and it's going nowhere!
The Monarch: Alright fine, I'll do Thursdays too. But only for, like, an hour. Which means we have to get right to the dirty deed! I give you permission to begin without me!
Dr. Girlfriend: (sarcastically) Oh, gee, thanks. Look, I keep coming home with welts on my neck and the "I got jumped by a flying squid" excuse is starting to get Phantom Limb a wee bit suspicious.
The Monarch: Screw Phantom Limb! No, wait. No, don't!

The Monarch: Marry me!
Dr. Girlfriend: You being serious?
The Monarch: Deadly serious.
Dr. Girlfriend: (dramatic pause) Yes.
The Monarch: Good! Done! Now get your ass back in that bed!
Dr. Girlfriend: But we need to make some ground rules first! (brings out a list) 1: No more of this "I need my space, you're crowding me" crap!
The Monarch: Fine, whatever. Wh... Where were you hiding that list?
Dr. Girlfriend: 2: I'm not your "number 2." I'm your partner.
The Monarch: Okay! I'll get you a crown or something. Anything else on that magic and probably moist list of yours?
Dr. Girlfriend: Yes! Number 3: This whole "Dr. Venture" thing is over!
The Monarch: Yes! We kill him once and for all!!! And we shall make slave of his sons and a lamp from the flesh of Brock Samson!
Dr. Girlfriend: NO! I want you to give up this insane grudge you have on Dr. Venture once and for all.
The Monarch: No way! Dr. Venture is my sworn enemy!
Dr. Girlfriend: Oh, nevermind then! I knew you weren't serious!
The Monarch: No, no! Don't go!!! Fine, I'll do it... No more arching Dr. Venture...
Dr. Girlfriend: Ever?
The Monarch: Never...
Dr. Girlfriend: Swear?
The Monarch: I pinkie swear!!
[The Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend pinkie swear]
The Monarch: 'Kay? You happy know?
Dr. Girlfriend: (Teary eyed) The happiest woman alive!

(Dr. Orpheus is firing magic bolts at Torrid, who teleports a foot away just before each blast hits him)
Dr. Orpheus: It's like playing Keep Away with the neighborhood spastic! I can't get a bead on him!
The Alchemist: You should give us the All Seeing Orb!
Jefferson Twilight: (sarcastically) "You should"? Nice, Al. Very polite.
The Alchemist: What? You catch more flies with honey.
Dr. Orpheus: Give us the Eye or face oblivion!!
The Alchemist: ...Please!

Dr. Venture: (To Dr. Girlfriend, flirtateously morose) I brought you something blue.... me....

Phantom Limb: Revenge, like gazpacho soup, is a dish best served cold, precise, and merciless.
The Monarch: Yeah, yeah, you can never have enough precision in your soup...

Phantom Limb: Go! Her shit's by the door in a box marked 'hers'.

(After defeating Torrid with their finishing move?)
Jefferson Twilight: AH! Man, Orpheus! What are you wearing, golf shoes?
The Alchemist: Honestly, I think my hand is bleeding. And the squirming...
Jefferson Twilight: I think it's the flip part.
Dr. Orpheus: That's the zing! We need the zing!
The Alchemist: Well the zing hurts my hand!
Dr. Orpheus: Well if we practiced more than once a month...
(The Alchemist is holding a giant eyeball in front of his head)
The Alchemist: Hey! Hey, look! I'm in The Residents! (laughs)
Dr. Orpheus: Does anybody else feel even slightly embarrassed here?
Jefferson Twilight: Only most of the time.
Dr. Orpheus: Practice makes perfect! We shall meet at my home for some real training!
The Alchemist: Yeah! (sing-song) Slumber party!

The Alchemist: I'm here! And I've got some fancy beer and some chips guaranteed to be... extreme!
Dr. Orpheus: (Amazed) How is that possible...?
The Alchemist: I don't know, by putting a lightning bolt on the bag.

[The Alchemist enters wearing a flamboyant shirt]
Jefferson Twilight: Al, what is that? I need earplugs just to look at your shirt.
The Alchemist: I'm in disguise as a paunchy gay guy who loves Jimmy Buffett. I thought you setting up an apparatus. That's a pilates mat and a baby's first birthday candle.

The Alchemist: But being a magic super hero that keeps chasing the same guy? It’s completely gay. That is coming from a guy that voluntarily has sex with men!

The Alchemist: And then, like that wasn't enough, I ended up with a raging case of crotch cricket. And did I get an apology? Hell no! I got a, "eh, I'll call you." (sighs) Still waiting for that chestnut.

Hank Venture: Why would you do this?
#21: What, be a henchman?
Hank: Yeah. Retardo costume, some skinny guy yelling at you all the time.
#21: Dude, are you describing me or you?
Hank: I don’t wear a costume.
#21: What, are you drunk? Where do you even buy a baby-blue kerchief? Heh - I just said “kerchief. Dude! What, does your dad use his time machine to go shopping?

(#24, nursing a bad hangover, is escorting Dean through the Cocoon corridor)
Dean Venture: Are the walls titanium or made of secret rocket ship metal?
#24: What? Who ca-.. Uh.. I know they're wicked easy to stain...
Dean: (trying to impress 24 with his knowledge) Hm. We can rule out any chromium-based metals. Those clean nicely with a damp cloth!
#24: (exasperated) All right. I'll... "rule that out."
(awkward pause)
#24: So uh... You, uh, like being a uh...
Dean: ..A Dean?
#24: Yeah. A Dean. That must kind of uh... suck...

[#21 and #24 explain what happened after The Monarch's bachelor party]

#24: Well after the party died down and you went to bed, y'know, some of us were still pretty wired and uh, so we decided to pick up a case and hit the tenderloin. Loin.
#21: Mind you, we were pretty, wicked toasted by this point, which was when I spotted this tattoo parlor and I just had to get me some ink! See, I have had, like, this design in my wallet for, like, a year, but you know, that shit is permanent.
#24: Ah, he never had the balls.
#21: Guilty! But once this Cowardly Lion got some courage from The Wizard of Booze, we went in there! And -- stand by..."
(Henchman #21 turns and vomits on the floor)

Sovereign: The Council of 13 has reviewed your request and it is denied. You are to commit no acts of vengeance against the Monarch. It matters not that you were dumped. And that's kinda... you know...
Phantom Limb: I understand, Sovereign.
Sovereign: May I suggest you start a journal? There you could pour out your woes upon the tears-stained pages of "dear diary."
Phantom Limb: That is an excellent suggestion, my liege.
Sovereign: Or maybe go jogging with friends.
Phantom Limb: I shall do just that! You honor me, my master.
Sovereign: So I have your word then? No movement on the Monarch?
Phantom Limb: You have my word.
Sovereign: Excellent! Well, I'm glad we got this wrapped up! I've got a wedding to get to... oh, uh... I'm gonna go.

(Phantom Limb's helicopters descend on The Cocoon seconds before the priest declares The Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend man and wife)
Phantom Limb on Video screen: Monarch, this is the Phantom Limb. You are surrounded.
The Monarch: OH! DICK MOVE!

Hank: (Faking Russian accent) Hello-ski, I am, how you say...Russian-guy-o-vich!

[various henchmen are crawling around in pain, there are bachelor party decorations torn up on the walls]
#24: Oy, he's gonna kill us. Maybe if we beg for mercy.
#21: Oh god, let him. It would be such sweet release from this torture we've brought upon ourselves. Oh fuck it, you kill me. Just don't hit my head or make too much noise doing it.
Brock: I have an idea, chunk. :[the camera pans over to reveal Brock is in a holding cell] You open this door and I'll kill ya.
#21: What. Did. We. DO?!?
#24: Oh shit, I thought I dreamt that part.

21: No way! Is that...
Brock: [Snarling] David...Bowie.
David Bowie: Brock Samson. It's been a while.
Brock: Not long enough. Your lucky I don't kill you right here after what you pulled in Berlin.
[Iggy Pop and Klaus Nomi jump in front of Bowie, acting as his bodyguards]
David Bowie: You're welcome to try.

[At The Aisle]
The Monarch: [Gasps] Oh! There she is! [Whispering] Hi, Pookums!
Dr. Venture: You know I feel so dirty, when they start talking cute.
The Monarch: Get used to it!
Dr. Venture: I wanna tell her that I love her... but, that point is probably moot.
The Monarch: ...Are you reciting "Jessie's Girl"?

#24: Brock Samson, slayer of men. Slayer of hench men.

[Phantom Limb is outside his garden bird shooting]
Monarch: Apparently, you lost your hearing as well as your arms. I said I'm getting married to your girlfriend!
Phantom Limb: Yes, yes. I heard you.
Monarch: You surprise me, Limb. You're taking this pretty well. I thought you'd try to kill me.
Phantom Limb: I'm no fool, Monarch. You don't live with a woman and not know when this is coming. You don't dine on the bounty of a woman's flesh and not know what she's thinking.
Monarch: OK, OK.
Phantom Limb: You don't drive your manhood over and over into a woman and...
Monarch: Yes, stop. I get it! Just give me her shit and let me go. She needs something old.
Phantom Limb: In due time. I thought we'd have a nice chat first. There's one. [Shoots Mr. Monday]
Monarch: Was that Mr. Monday?
Phantom Limb: Oh yes. You two were in prison together, were you not?
Monarch: I saw him... around. I think.
Phantom Limb: You'd be surprised at the array of wildlife here on the grounds. Wonder what other game we could scare up. [Shoots Dr. Septapus out of the tree]
Monarch: Dr... Septapus?
Phantom Limb: Oh, don't tell me, Not another one of your former prison mates? What are the odds? [Shoots him again]
Monarch: All right, Limb. What's going on here?
Phantom Limb: Just disposing of some vermin. Terrible, the havoc they can wreak on a meticulously manicured lawn, you know. [Shoots White-Noise]
Monarch: OK, OK, fine. So what did you do? Bust all these guys out of jail just to show me how ruthless you are?
Phantom Limb: What do you take me for, a common thug? Of course not. I hired them an excellent appeals attorney. And there he is.
[Tiny Attorney appears naked out of the bush]
Tiny Attorney: Please! Phantom Limb! I did everything you asked!
[Phantom Limb shoots him]
Phantom Limb: I'm a reasonable man, Monarch. But don't think for a moment that I will forget this. Revenge, like gazpacho soup is best served cold, precise and merciless.
Monarch: Oh, yeah. You can never have enough precision in your soup. Look, nut-job, I hate these traitorous dinks more than you do! So shoot whoever you want.
[Phantom Limb intensely points the shotgun at Monarch’s face]
Phantom Limb: Go. Her shit is by the door in a box marked ”Hers.”

Showdown at Cremation Creek (Part II)[edit]

As Phantom Limb makes his stunning power play, only Brock can rally The Monarch’s forces to mount a defense. The fate of almost everyone in the Venture universe hangs in the balance as The Sovereign reveals his true identity and guys and stuff explode all over the place.

Henry Killinger: I wish you both very much luck in your life together...what's left of it.

Phantom Limb: Monarch! What say you?
Monarch: I say what kind of loser can't get the hint that he's been dumped?
Phantom Limb: So it's okay for you to kidnap her, but when I do it I'm a loser!

(The Cocoon is being attacked)
Brock: Hank!
Hank: I'm cool!
Brock: Okay. Try not to die! Go find your brother, we're leaving.

Giant Boy Detective: Behold! The Ring of Power!! Eons have been waiting for he who can wear the magic and not melt or burst into flames or something...
Dean: Giant Boy Detective! You're real!! Are we gonna solve a mystery?
Giant Boy Detective: No, young'un. We are going to save the kingdom and restore Princess Tinglepants to the throne, then peace shall reign for eternity!
Dean: (unenthusiastic) Oh.. Okay...
Giant Boy Detective: ...And solve a super cool mystery?
Dean: (enthusiastic) Yay!! You're a short giant. Aren't you like 30 feet tall in the books?
Giant Boy Detective: Oh, if you think I'm a disappointment, you should see Clifford. He's, like, the size of one of those little dogs rich ladies drag around. Plus, he's more pink than red. Anyways, the Magic Flashlight shall lead the way!! (flashlight burns out) Stupid fucking enchanted batteries...

The Great White Oracle: Giant Boy Detective, show me this mighty warrior you speak of!
Giant Boy Detective: Okay, but don't be judgmental. You have to keep an open mind!
The Great White Oracle: I always do!
Giant Boy Detective: You're kidding, right?
The Great White Oracle: You're the one whose always judgmental.
Giant Boy Detective: A-Are you insane?! You're always, like, "Hey fella, you might wanna roll up the windows in this neighborhood!"
The Great White Oracle: Am I doing it now?
Giant Boy Detective: Well, no but...
The Great White Oracle: Then show me the friggin' warrior already! (Giant Boy Detective reveals Dean) What, behind the little kid?
Giant Boy Detective: See, you always do this!
The Great White Oracle: What? I'm not being judgmental, I'm making a judgment. There's a huge difference.
Giant Lab Rat: Oh, this is just stupid! You bother the Great White Oracle for this?! That shivering child? Clearly he's incompetent and I bet he's a sissy!
The Great White Oracle: Yeah, or a crybaby. (taunting) Is this true? Is baby gonna cry? Like a witlle baby cwy, huh?
Dean: (fighting back tears) I am not a crybaby!
Giant Boy Detective: Eh, don't kid yourself there. You're bit of a pussy. No offense.
Dean: I can do this! I am the chosen one! I have the Ring of Power! (Ring falls off his finger onto the floor)
Giant Boy Detective: The princess is completely screwed...
Dean: There's a princess?
The Great White Oracle: Oh, sure! And she is a looker!
Giant Lab Rat: Oh, please! She dresses like a whore!

(Dr. Girlfriend is being taken to Phantom Limb by Klaus Nomi and Iggy Pop)
Dr. Girlfriend: (To Klaus) What are you... supposed to be from The Future, or something? (To Iggy) And YOU! Put a SHIRT on, for God's sake! [To Phantom Limb] Where do you get off siccing your two stooges on me?!
Klaus Nomi: I wasn't in The Stooges

(As the Guild choppers begin the attack on the Cocoon)
Cocoon Navigator Engines online!
The Monarch: BOOK!!!!

(The Cocoon is escaping Phantom Limb's Forces)
Doctor Venture: So...it's a cocoon...that flies...
The Monarch: Obviously!
Doctor Venture: I just realized that makes no sense.
The Monarch: Duh! Monarch! Butterfly, butterfly cocoon, it's a theme thing!
Doctor Venture: Yeah, I get it, but why didn't you just make it shaped like a butterfly?
The Monarch: (The Monarch leans over and looks at Doctor Venture) Because that's gay?

[A Sullustan summoned by the Order of the Triad is flying them to the Monarch's cocoon in the X-1]
Alchemist: Well, I can't help you not save the Ventures from back here in the kiddy seat. Why does creepo get to be the co-pilot?
Dr. Orpheus: [working with his seatbelt] I wasn't the one who materialized him from a trading card.
Alchemist: Point of order: I wanted to kill him. Because I bet he's abomination or something. And isn't there some code about that.
Dr. Orpheus: Unless he is made from dead people, it's still considered murder. Nice try. Got it! It was all crammed into the cushion.
Jefferson Twilight: [waking up] What if he gets hit by a car and he's half-dead? I had this dog once that never...
[The Sullustan launches the ship]
Dr. Orpheus: I hope he knows where we're going.
Alchemist: I hope he couldn't understand what I said about him.

(During the battle, a mortally wounded henchman crashes into Brock's arms)
Dying Henchman: Ah, it's wicked bad out there, sir! I didn't mean to let you down. These five minutes under your command... have been... the proudest... in my... caree... (He goes limp)
(Brock, totally unmoved, callously pitches the corpse into the turbine of a nearby Guild chopper. The turbine seizes in a gush of blood and the chopper plummets downward)

[Iggy Pop is sent outside the Helicarrier to smoke]
Iggy Pop: Man... this is ridiculous... God, it's so frickin' cold, man...
[The Cigarette he pulls out bears the face of his former Master, David Bowie]
David Bowie-Cigarette: Hullo. I'm David Bowie.
Iggy Pop: What the...
[David shapeshifts back into his old body and clobbers Iggy with a right hook]
David Bowie: Make way for the Homo Superior!

(Dean, in a hallucination, frees child orphan laborers and begins destroying the engine they were powering)
Dean: Run, orphans! Be free! And have your own room! And maybe not have to live in fear of costumed guys trying to kill you all the time! And there are no yetis freaking out on you or, like, putting you on a rocketship! Run to a place where your father won't make you get in a fight with a venus flytrap that walks and, with a gun!

(The Monarch's joystick stops working)
The Monarch: What's going on? I've got no go here!
Cocoon Navigator: Um, here's something. We just lost power...like, uh, all of it.
The Monarch: Where'd it go?
Cocoon Navigator: Oh, oh, I don't know...uh, somewhere? Uh...it's not in the engine.
The Monarch: What?!? Someone get down to engine room and find out what the hell happened!
Cocoon Navigator: Oh no, no way...that place is spooky.
Doctor Venture: You...pay these people?
The Monarch: (quietly) Uhhhh, you wanna...see my escape cocoon?

(Hank watches the fight between Phantom Limb and David Bowie)
Hank: Whoa, check it! That's, like, Dracula versus Yoda in there!

Dr. Girlfriend: I'm fine! I was pinned under... I think it's Phantom Limb's leg...
The Monarch: Give it here! I want to kick his smug, limey face in with it.. (Monarch notices David Bowie moving into earshot as he said "limey") ....oh.....

David Bowie: Well, gotta run, luv! (kisses Doctor Girlfriend) Villainous coup to squash; Strangers to execute; you know how it is! Congratulations both of you! (shape changes into an eagle) Ta!

(David Bowie transforms into an eagle and flies away.)
Brock: Doc, you’re OK.
Doctor Venture: I swallowed a gold filling during the crash, so we have to hook up the metal detector to the toilet again. What did we miss?
Hank: The guy from Labyrinth turned into a bird!

#21: So The Sovereign recorded Station to Station?!
#24: And ChangesOne? I love that album!
#21: Could you be a bigger poseur? ChangesOne was a "best of"!

Insect King: No! Not the ring of power! It's the only thing that can steal my black heart.
Dean Venture: Eat it!
[Dean begins randomly stabbing the Insect King]
Insect King: Ow-eeee that fucking hurts! Ow! Right down to the thorax, Dick! But it missed my Black heart.
Dean Venture: Die!
[Dean severes the Insect King's arm and leg]
Insect King: Ow, dude stop already, you're not even aiming for my black heart!
Dean Venture: I vanquish you!
Insect King: Come on, those are reproductive organs! Will you take the fucking hint and stab me in the heart already?!
Dean Venture: I got it! Your evil black heart is where your power comes from!
Insect King (feigning chagrin): Oh no, you have learned my terrible secret!

Monarch Henchman: Come on! Come on! I wanna go with you guys!
The Monarch: Fuck off! It only seats Two! Two!

(Interior The Monarch escape pod)
The Monarch: Wooo, you're insatiable, woman. Now that's one myth about married life we can scratch off the list, huh?
Dr. Girlfriend: Ya...You...know I nev..I never actually said I do.
The Monarch: Well you never said you don't.
Dr. Girlfriend: Well there's something else I haven't said, It, uh, it might... change things.
The Monarch: Is it, "Let's go again?" 'Cause I'm gonna need a few...
Dr. Girlfriend: No, okay...deep breath, Sheila, you've been rehearsing this...
(Dr. Girlfriend takes a deep breath)
Dr. Girlfriend: Monarch, I'm....
(Cut to exterior of Monarch's escape pod)
The Monarch: (angrily) WHAT!?

[Dr. Orpheus carries Dean in his arms]
Dr. Orpheus: Don’t panic, Dean is safe. Safe in the magic hands of the Order of the... [Orpheus trips on Phantom Limb limb’s then drops Dean]
Dean: Ow, hey pop!
Dr. Venture: Dean was missing, nice job Brock.
The Alchemist: Peoples, somebody here lose an invisible...
[Alchemist realizes he’s pick up one of Phantom Limb limb’s. Then has a sinister look on his face]
The Alchemist: Oh... Oh, I'm keeping this.

Klaus Nomi: Did ve win?
Iggy Pop: Kinda. Get the girl. A bonus. Free smokes, man.
[Klaus drags Dr. Girlfriend away by her hair going pass the Monarch’s henchman]
Iggy Pop: Don't bother stamping your feet. We don't do encores.

Season 3[edit]

Shadowman 9: In the Cradle of Destiny[edit]

After their short honeymoon, the Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend are captured by the Guild to face questioning by the Council of Thirteen related to the traitor, Phantom Limb. Much of their history as villains is also revealed. Meanwhile, Dr. Girlfriend's Murderous Moppets takeover the Monarch's henchmen to rebuild his cocoon fortress.

[The Monarch's henchmen are standing in the remains of the cocoon]
#24: Well, they're gone. Now what the hell do we do?
#21: We forge our own destiny. We are as ronin — wandering samurai without a master.
Tim-Tom Moppet: Wrong. We're your master now.
#21: What? Says who? Who died and put you in charge?
Tim-Tom Moppet: Need we point out the obvious? Kevin...
Kevin Moppet: Henchman #2, front and center! [everyone looks around] Okay, #3, step forward. Henchmen 4, 5, henchman 6...
Tim-Tom Moppet: You see? Bet there isn't even anyone here over, what, an 18? Whereas Kevin and I were Dr. Girlfriend's number 2s!
#24: Our numbers are ranks?

[Dr. Girlfriend and the Monarch are being interrogated by the Council of Thirteen in separate rooms]
Dr. Girlfriend: You can't do this to us. Where's the Monarch?
Councilman 1: You will see him soon enough.
Councilman 3: Only after the Guild of Calamitous Intent is satisfied. You know why you are here.
The Monarch: No clue! Few hours ago I was in my floating escape bed- repeatedly consumating my marriage -and the next thing I know your super creeps are blindfolding us and dragging us here to get shot at!
Councilman 9: This is the way these things are done.
Councilman 2: And in light of recent events we need to be sure we can trust you.
Dr. Girlfriend: Trust us? You were the ones who promoted him all these years.
Councilman 3: There's no reason to get defensive.
Councilman 8: We just have some questions for you; tell us about the traitor Phantom Limb.
The Monarch: I know he wears an awful lot of purple for a white guy. What else you wanna know?

Phantom Limb: Behold! [he drops his pants to reveal his invisible legs]
Dr. Girlfriend: What...happened to your legs?
Phantom Limb: What do you know...of evil?
Dr. Girlfriend: Why? You...'eviled' your legs?
Phantom Limb: Evil is misunderstood. Society slaps our wrists and tells us to simmer down while she wages her murderous wars, destroys our planet, and prays to the mighty dollar.
Dr. Girlfriend: And then she made your legs invisible?

The Monarch: Oh man, if that shows up on YouTube...I...I'm serious, what kind of torture is this? Couldn't you just drill my teeth or shove bamboo under my nails or something?
Councilman 9: This is not a torture, Mr. Monarch.
Councilman 8: It is an interrogation.
Councilman 3: Or a trial of sorts.
Councilman 9: I always say, it's a crucible.
Councilman 8: Oh, that's way cooler.

Watch: Welcome to the Citadel of Attribution. My name is Watch. I will be the only human face you will see, speak to...and enjoy.
Dr. Girlfriend: Okay...
Ward: [walking in, eating chips] So that's Lady Au Pair.
Watch: Dude, get out of here. She's not supposed to see anybody but me.
Ward: Really?
Watch: No, I'm making that up. Yes, really!
Ward: Oh, should I put on my hood?
Watch: Forget it. She already saw your face. You might as well stay.
Ward: Good.

The Monarch: W-wait. Did that video have a wipe?
Councilman 2: Councilman 3 got Adobe Premiere.
Councilman 3: Was it too showy? I thought it would make it more lively.
The Monarch: And why did you change the music??"
Councilman 4:: Pardon...?
The Monarch:: A man remembers what was on his car radio when he taps his future wife. That was not the song.
Councilman 4:: Oh, we couldn't afford the rights.
Councilman 5:: Einar's lawyers were ready to sign, but Bjork's lawyers wouldn't budge!

Manotaur: What, is this some kind of revenge hit? I'm retired from archvillainy!
Phantom Limb: No-one retires from Phantom Limb's shit-list!

The Doctor Is Sin[edit]

Dr. Henry Killinger: I am Doctor Henry Killinger and this...is my resume.

[Dr. Orpheus is trying to read Dr. Killinger's mind]
Dr. Henry Killinger: Your powers are useless on me, you silly billy.

Dr. Venture: (somberly) Brock... am I a bad person?
Brock: Doc, what the hell just hap...
Dr. Venture: Am I, Brock?
Brock: (pauses, then rocks his hand in a "kind of" gesture) Ehhhh......

[After his weapon mis-fires]
The Alchemist: I swear, this has NEVER happened before...

Master Billy Quizboy: [reading] "Notice of hostile takeover"? Venture— what a dick! Wait, we're not even a publicly traded company.
Pete White: Oh, FYI, I issued some shares back when we needed cash for the Nintendo Wii.

Dr. Henry Killinger: You will never be able to reach your full potential until you first confront your deep-seated fear of success. Now get into the bag.
Dr. Venture: What's in it?
Dr. Henry Killinger: Only what you take with you.

Dr. Orpheus: Have you not the eyes to see what he is doing? I've touched his mind! His is the way of the serpent and the apple. He seduced your employer with the poisoned promises of a Faustian covenant, giving with one hand as he macerates your souls with the other! We must stop him at once!

Dr. Venture: What the hell am I signing, a zeppelin?
Dr. Henry Killinger: A most sacred pact: membership in the most elite brotherhood, mit exclusive arching rights.
Dr. Venture: Didn't have to go through all this hooey to get my first archenemy, but what the hey? Did you pick me a good one?
Dr. Henry Killinger: No, you did.
Dr. Venture: [Looking at the video-screen] What...my brother?
Dr. Henry Killinger: Bingo! Isn't it perfect? It's a classic Cain-und-Abel story.
Dr. Venture: But...but he can't arch me, he's not even a super... [The reality dawns on him] Oh, my God, this is...but I'm not a...
Dr. Henry Killinger: Aren't you? Is this not what your heart was trying to tell you in your visions? Sign it. Make your blood feud official! Act now! Venchmen are standing by for your order!

[Dr. Killinger appears in the stars and quotes from Shakespeare's "As You Like It."]
Dr. Killinger: All the vorld's a stage, und all the men und women mearly players. They have their entrences und exits, und one man in his time plays many parts. His acts being seven ages...
[General Manhours appears with him.]
Gen. Manhours: Heheh, you said it, Killer! And you can read more about it in The Bible!

The Invisible Hand of Fate[edit]

Billy Quizboy: White, I just remembered something...
Pete White: What?
Billy Quizboy: Everything...

Pete White: Hello, Goldilocks? This is Casper. Little Nemo has fallen out of bed.

Dr. Venture: Barkeep! Another 'Suffering Bastard', if you please. [He falls down, recieving a call on his watch] ...Hello?
Myra: How could you just leave like that without telling me where you're going?
Dr. Venture: You're not my mother, you're my bodyguard.
Myra: How can I guard your body if I can't be close to your body?!
Dr. Venture: Oh, God. Barkeep, where's that Suffering Bastard?
Bartender: I'm looking at him!
Dr. Venture: Oh Ha, Ha...

Recorded Voice: Please do not be alarmed. We are about to engage... the Nozzle. Please do not move while the Nozzle is engaging. Moving will disrupt calibration of... the Nozzle. Please wait while we calibrate... the Nozzle. Please do not look away from... the Nozzle. The Nozzle is now calibrating. (long pause) The Nozzle is still calibrating. The Nozzle has completed calibration. Thank you.
The Nozzle retracts into the wall, without actually seeming to do anything to Billy, then Brock and Hunter enter the room.
Billy Quizboy: What the Hell was that?
Col. Hunter Gathers: I have no idea...

Billy: ...You saw what he said, he’s not in the Guild of Calamitous Intent. It’s like a businessman’s club or something.
Gathers: That’s what they said about the Bilderberg Group, son… and then whammo! Berlin Wall comes tumbling down.
Billy: No it hasn’t.
Gathers: Oh, it will, kiddo. It was decided at the last meeting.

Shore Leave: Oh, and Hunter, Wayland Flowers called, and he wants his Madam back. BOOM!
Col. Hunter Gathers: Yeah? Well, the Village People called, AND THEY WANT YOU TO GO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF, YOU PRANCING BASTARD!

After an insulting encounter with OSI agents in flamboyant costumes, resembling the Village People.
Col. Hunter Gathers: This place has gone to hell in a ham sandwich since they eighty-sixed the dress code.

Brock: Just keep it up, Billy. We're getting some excellent intel out of you!
Billy: What intel? I've been here a day! I haven't done any spying yet!
Col. Gathers: Sure you have! That new eye of yours? It's actually a 3-D laser-matrix holographic camera! (indicating Billy's mechanical hand) And this little pud puller stores all the data!
Billy: You guys wired me?
Col. Gathers: Are you kidding? Why, you're a walking wire! And right now, you need to walk back in there and do you God-given duty! There are no free hands in this business, son!

Prof. Fantomos: (covering when Billy is at the door) I'm...sorry, Sheila, but if I extend the deadline for one student, I'd have to extend it for all of them.
Sheila: Well, thank you anyway, Professor Fantomos.

[Billy finds out that the O.S.I. has been doing his homework for him so he is free to spy.]
Billy: But that's cheating!
Col. Gathers: Cheating is what the spy business is all about, boychik. Why, if we don't keep our eyes on our neighbor's paper, the baddies get the bomb and the whole world goes kablooie! You keep thinking you're here on the G.I. Bill or something, kid? YOU ARE NOT HERE TO WRITE ESSAYS! You're not even in college! You are in the Office of Secret Intelligence, you damn, dirty, crybaby FREAK!

Prof. Fantomas: Ahh! Young Mr. Wheylen! Do find a seat quickly, Quizboy. I was trying to teach your more punctual peers.
Billy Quizboy: Sorry Professor... Fantomos. I had trouble finding the building.
Prof. Fantomas: Yes, yes. It’s a great big new world for you! And Mr. Quizboy I heard you were recently exonerated, but allow me to impress one thing upon you, we do not tolerate cheating at State University. The punishment, is severe!

Col. Gathers: Congratulations lad, you’re a fully matriculated student at State University.
Billy Quizboy: I kinda wanted to go to MIT
Col. Gathers: [Rips open his shirt] And I wanted to be born with big, beautiful TITS! [to Brock] Make some lemonade with this, will you?

Home Is Where The Hate Is[edit]

As the Monarch and Dr. Mrs. the Monarch settle into their new home and a new, no-more-arching-Dr.-Venture-anymore life, Dr. Venture receives an unorthodox introduction to his new Guild-assigned nemesis, which quickly lands him in the center of the deadly web that is the suburban supervillain community.


Dr. Girlfriend: What the hell are you doing?!
The Monarch: I'm pretending I'm Farrah Fawcett making her big comeback. What do you think I'm doing? I'm not gonna sleep in the bed you pleasured Phantom Limb in. I'm burning the bed and—what are these, Little League trophies, and all these self-help books?
Dr. Girlfriend: Well, sell them! Do you have to burn 'em, it's insane!
The Monarch: You know what's insane? The fact that you slept with a guy who read The Secret You want the Secret? Your ex-boyfriend's pathetic. (whispers) Shh, don't tell anyone. Secret.

[Sgt. Hatred leaves the Venture Compound after introducing himself and says goodbye by pulling a gun and shooting Dr. Venture.]
Brock: (advancing on Hatred) Hey, hey!!
Sgt. Hatred: Woah, rubber bullets, rubber bullets! Just keepin' it lively! It's not all charts and schedules and...
[Hatred and Brock look down to see Dr. Venture curled up and bleeding profusely.]
Sgt. Hatred: Man, he's a delicate one, isn't he? They don't usually break the skin like that. (into his comlink) Malice Troop!
Malice Troop: Sir?
Sgt. Hatred: Yeah, we got a bleeder here. Eighty-six the non-lethal. We're goin' full Nerf on this one!

#21: Hey! How ya feelin'?
#24: Like a dwarf stuck a knife in me. How do you think I feel? Didja bring my.... magazines...?
#21: No, but I brought something way better! I got somebody here who came to cheer you up!
#24: (excited) He remembered??
(Dean, wearing a ridiculous Patch Adams costume, enters the room)
Dean Venture: Hey there, glum chum!
#21: (struggling not to laugh) Well, I'll leave you two to catch up!
Dean Venture: Good idea! This area is officially quarantined. Because smiles are contagious!
#24: (tersely, to #21) I HATE you...

(Sergeant Hatred's guests are playing a party game where they have to guess the celebrity name written on a tag on their back, based on comments from other guests.)
Female Supervillian: You are married to a powerful man...
Dr. Girlfriend: Uh... Mrs. Hulk Hogan?
Female Supervillian: No. Let's see... you are famous for your pink dresses and pillbox hats...
Dr. Girlfriend: Uh... me?
(later)
Tuxedo-wearing Supervillian: I loved you in "Fire Walk With Me," but most know your work from...
Brock: (obviously very bored) Yeah, fine, whatever. (Pulls off his own tag and reads it to the room) I'm Harry Dean Stanton!
(everyone checks their tags)
Dr. Girlfriend: Huh? Who the heck is.... Jack-a-leen Oh-nass-is?

(The Monarch during Sergeant Hatred's party game)
The Monarch: You're a brainless failure and live entirely off your father's name and fortune!
Dr. Venture: I'm George Bush?
The Monarch: Hardly! I've never never hated anyone as much as you!
Dr. Venture: Oh wait wait. Hitler? Did he have a famous father?
The Monarch: Worse! Washup! You should just admit that you will never amount to anything and drink, poison!
Dr. Venture: Oh is it... uh... Socrates son?
(After Brock ends the game)
Dr. Venture: Ahh of course, Mariah Carey. So close. Seriously, I would have gotten that.

[Everyone is playing Charades. Dr. Venture flaps his arms wildly like a chicken.]
Dr. Girlfriend: Um..."Birdman of Alcatraz!"
The Monarch: "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest!"
Dr. Girlfriend: Um...let's see, bird...
The Monarch: We know he's a bird! He's been doing the same thing for five fucking minutes! Okay, my God! Go to the next word! Give me a "sounds like!" YOU'RE KILLING ME!

[#21 and Hank are outside the window of The Monarch's house spying on Kevin & Tim-Tom watching a movie]
Hank: That’s your big problem? Your scared of two little babies?
#21: Dude! Get back, they’ll see you.
Hank: You got me all worked up. You said they had claws!
#21: Get back! Alright, I exaggerated it a little. Did you see what they did to #24? They’re like nasty swearing spider-monkeys with knives.
Hank: Holy smokes! That lady is wearing her birthday suit! I think they’re watching, no-no movies.
#21: They’re not, they’re watching Nell. And that’s my DVD.
Hank: Dude! I think I just saw Shindler's Dingess.
#21: Shhh...

The Monarch: Are you smoking?
Dr. Girlfriend: Who?
The Monarch: You!
Dr. Girlfriend: Why?
The Monarch: What-why? Are you smoking?
Dr. Girlfriend: Maybe…
The Monarch: What?! When did you start smoking?
Dr. Girlfriend: 198-9ish?
The Monarch: So you have been lying! It all makes sense, the filled ash trays, the burning pine scented hair sprays…
Sgt. Hatred: I guess I’ll be the one to say it, her three-pack-a-day voice.

#21: Could you sign this, boss? It’s for 24, he got knifed by the Moppets.
The Monarch: Which one is 24 again?
#21: What?! You’re kidding, right? Let me give a hint: you know how every time you talk to me, there’s usually another guy next to me. That’s 24.
The Monarch: Right, right, right, the one that sounds like Ray Romano. I like him.

Dr. Girlfriend: No no no, no apologies necessary. To all fair and love & war.
Dr. Venture: I just assumed that magic we share that night was something that was bigger than the both of us.
Dr. Girlfriend: Nothing happened.
Dr. Venture: Well if it did happen, that was only because I didn’t know who you were.
Dr. Girlfriend: Nothing happened.
Dr. Venture: And not many women have... hit on me because of my fame.
Dr. Girlfriend: Nothing happened.
Dr. Venture: And some just sense the inner-animal, pheromones. Ladies pick up on it.
Dr. Girlfriend: Nothing happened.
Dr. Venture: Are you sensing anything now?... I smell perhaps, meow!

The Buddy System[edit]

Dr. Venture, in a bid to make some much-needed money, opens up the compound as "Rusty's Day Camp for Boy Adventurers." But while the children are kept busy with activities like judo lessons from Brock and quizzing with Master Billy Quizboy, the Monarch sends in the Murderous Moppets to spy on his former arch-nemesis.


Opening Title Text: Camp size has been estimated based on a survey conducted in 1978. All camps created after cited survey have not been taken into consideration. Rusty's day Camp is a privately owned camp. Therefore any and all children residing on the premises are to be considered trespassers. Rusty's Day Camp holds the right to prosecute any or all trespassers that do not uphold the rules and regulations stipulated in the supplied document entitled "I'm A Good Day Camper".

Dr. Venture: Hey, kids! It's time for adventure - at Rusty's Day Camp for Boy Adventurers! The largest privately-run day camp for budding super-scientists in the area! Learn adventuring from pros like Action Johnny, Master Billy Quizboy, and of course, me - Rusty Venture! Star of the "Rusty Venture" cartoon! Tell Mom you need excitement! Tell Dad you need a cashier's check! And we'll see you there - at Rusty's Day Camp for Boy Adventurers!

Dr. Venture: [as the Moppets pass by] Some people just shouldn't breed. Those're some ugly kids.
Brock: Kids? You're kiddin' right? They're achondroplastic dwarves.
Dr. Venture: And they're almost as good as you or I and they deserve this camp as much as any kid here. You're such a racist.
Brock: They're not really a race, doc.
Dr. Venture: Will you listen to yourself, Hitler?

Dr. Venture: Hank! Stop calling me pop! If these kids find out that their hero has had sex their heads will explode!
Hank: But I wanna show my new friend-
Dr. Venture: This isn't all about you, Hank. These kids wanna see Rusty Venture. Maybe when there's a cartoon called 'The Venture Brothers' it'll be different.

Pirate Captain: We can't all be famous adventurers, but that doesn't mean you have to be out of the adventure game all together.
Day Camper: You mean becoming supervillians?
Pirate Captain: Shiver me timbers, no! I'm talkin' about the "rubber mask" set. The Little Guys.
Day Camper: Do we get to wear cool costumes?
Pirate Captain: You betcha do. If you run a museum, you get yourself a glowin' suit of armor. You wanna protect your gold from meddlin' kids? You might try a Ghost-Miner-Forty-Niner. Look at me, I look like Johnny Depp!
[The boys cheer excitedly]
Pirate Captain: Oh, and that's not all. Sometimes you get to hang out with people who were famous once, like Cher and the guy who did the voice for Inspector Gadget.

[The Order of the Triad put on a safety sketch...]
Jefferson Twilight: Killin' Blackulas with a sword is cool. But you know what's really cool? Safety!
Dr. Orpheus: The Order of the Triad have many strange and mysterious enemies!
The Alchemist: Enemies...of safety!
Jefferson Twilight: One of our enemies is invisible!
Dr. Orpheus: And he can enter any home through the ground! He's waiting for you right now in the basement!
The Alchemist: His name is Radon! And he will give you lung cancer!
Jefferson Twilight: Lung cancer? But, Al, I don't smoke!
Dr. Orpheus: Of course you don't, Jefferson! Because smoking is more evil than the hoary denizens of the Underworld! And if you did smoke, we'd know it. Because we have a SMOKE DETECTOR in every room!
The Alchemist: With fresh batteries! Remember: if your smoke detector doesn't work, the silence...
All: Could be deadly!
[They bow. As they look up, they notice that all of the children have gone.]
Jefferson Twilight: When did we lose 'em?
Dr. Orpheus: That was my fault. I really hit them with that "radon" part.
The Alchemist: We never get to my song!

Action Johnny: How many you have fathers? Show of hands.
[All of the children, save one, raise their hands.]
Action Johnny: Hey, kid. Why's your hand not up? What, no father? You don't look like Jesus, bro!
Kid: My daddy died. While I was sleeping.
Action Johnny: Oh, well you had a father. So now you're fuckin' free, man! C'mon, I wanna see those hands up! *gasp* Wait a minute. Action Johnny's hand isn't up! Does he not have a father? NO!!! Fathers are loving and caring and protective men, and I don't have one of those! But who cares, man? (breaking down) Who cares, who cares, who cares!? Maybe I did kill the dog! Maybe I was the Lizard Man who stole your precious serum! You loved that serum more than you loved me!! (falling to his knees) FATHER!!!! FATHER!!!!!
[Brock and Dr. Venture watch from a distance.]
Brock: I liked him better when he was strung out. Poor bastard.

[On the tram ride...]
Dr. Venture: We're going to use The Buddy System. The person seated next to you is your buddy. Everyone say, "Hi, buddy!"
Boys: (doing so) Hi, buddy!
Dr. Venture: If you touch something that melts your fingers off, tell your buddy! If you get a face-full of burning hydroflouric acid, it's your buddy who drags you to one of the many eye wash stations!

[Dr. Venture and Billy Quizboy are confronted by a giant gorilla...]
Billy Quizboy: Don't move! They can smell fear...
Dr. Venture: Can they smell urine?
Billy Quizboy: That's like liquid fear!

[Master Billy Quizboy has been mauled by a giant gorilla...]
Billy: I jettisoned the hand and got away, but...I wasn't alone in there. (holding up a child's shoe) We lost one!
Dr. Venture: Well, where was his buddy? He had a buddy, they all had buddies!
Billy: Rusty, I just saw a little kid get disemboweled!
Dr. Venture: Well, you always wanted to be an adventurer! Not like answering trivia, is it, boy?

Tim-Tom Moppet: (gleefully) A hit, eh? You want us to make 'im suffer? Or just end it, quick and quiet-like?
Brock: Nah, nothin' permanent... just, like, give him a little taste of fear. I guess you can break something small... like a toe...
Tim-Tom Moppet: We can take out his tongue..
Kevin Moppet: (with relish) With a knife!
Tim-Tom Moppet: Or remove 'is 'eart...
Kevin Moppet: (with great relish) Yeah, with a knife!
Tim-Tom Moppet: A bigger knife!
Kevin Moppet: (with greater relish) Fucking knife!
Brock: (a touch uneasy) Yeeeeahhhhhhh.... you guys....are....kinda creepy. I think this may be a stupid idea.

Tim-Tom Moppet: How'dwe do, mum?
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Great! My little moppets were perfect like always! Come give your lady a hug.
(She squats down and hugs them to her large breasts)
Tim-Tom Moppet: (leering at her breasts) I like yer new costume, mum...
Kevin Moppet: (also leering) I like huggin you in your new costume....
(Pans back, showing both of the Moppets lecherously rubbing her back)
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Ok you two. Time to stop...

Dr. Quymn, Medicine Woman[edit]

(Dr. Jonas Venture greets Col. Gentleman and his wife at the door.)
Col. Gentleman: Col. Fun has arrived! (taking the drink from Jonas's hand) Ah, you read my mind. I need a stiff one in me after that car ride. Never let a woman drive your Aston, Jonas. This one handles a stick like it's got herpes!
Ms. Quymn: Who knows, with all the strange garages you park it in...
Dr. Jonas Venture: Ms. Quymn (he kisses her hand)
Col. Gentleman: More like Ms. Bollocks baster. If she won't take my name maybe she'll take a smack in her smart mouth!
Ms. Quymn: Try me. [Col. Gentleman kisses her on the cheek]]

Dean: Hank, are you listening to me?
Hank: Actually, uh, can you keep it down? I'm trying to write a song for the girls.
Dean: Would you get with the program? We've got a mystery to solve!
Hank: Well then we should team up. With the girls!
Dean: We can't! They're ... they're suspects.
Hank: Then solve it tomorrow or something. Man, what's your hurry?
Dean: What's your slowy?! You've gone soft on me, Henry Allen So-Called-Venture! You used to be all 'Go Team Venture!' but now ... now you're all 'Go Team ... b- Boobies!'

[Dr. Venture and Dr. Quymn are about to make love.]
Dr. Venture: Looks like I found my cure for impotence after all! Now if I could figure out a way to bottle that ass, I'd be a multi-millionaire!

Dean: Dr. Quymn is the wereodile!
Dr. Venture: She's- oh my god! I almost fucked a wereodile!
Dean: We have to stop her transformation before she kills us all! (he picks up a chair and begins to hit Dr. Quymn with it over and over)
Dean: The power of Christ compels you! (Ginnie springs into action and pushes Dean away)
Ginnie: Stop it you little asshole! She's not a wereodile, she's an epileptic.
Dr. Venture: Ew!

Dr Quymn: ...Pity your father also didn’t teach you not to steal Fertility Idols from irritable headhunters.
Dr Venture: Oh, that... I’ve been researching alternative cures for impotence... not for me, of course.
Dr Quymn: Have you not tried Viagra?
Dr Venture: It makes me... my customers; headaches, nausea, dyspepsia and/or diarrhea. Anyway, enough shop-talk, how have you’ve been?

What Goes Down, Must Come Up[edit]

Hank Venture: There was even talk of french toast! But there was none to be had.

Dr.Orpheus: I fear this is beyond our combined powers. I must seek guidance from The Master! Wait here, please.
Alchemist : Oh c'mon! We're supposed to be a team. How come we never get to see this all-knowing guy with you?
Jefferson Twilight : Yeah, tell the truth is it because you're embarassed of us. Its because he's gay, isn't it? (points at Al)
Dr.Orpheus: No, its because you soiled yourself...and he's gay [disappears in smoke]

Jefferson Twilight: Damn it, Orpheus! I almost had that bloodsucker. Aww, now I got the blue balls in my blood eye.

Jefferson Twilight: I go where the blacktion is.

Jefferson Twilight: [bitterly] You're not my mama. She was taken by marauding blackulas when I was 10.

Dr. Entmann: And let me tell you somethin' about ants! You know that whole "Ants can lift a hundred times their own weight" thing? It's a myth! Think about it. What's an ant weigh? Like, nothin'. What nothin' times a hundred?
Brock: Uh...nothin'?
Dr. Entmann: It's nothin'!

Dr. Orpheus: Perhaps I should cast a spell of protection on the machine.
Jefferson Twilight: No! No magic! Remember what happened last time? I'll be damned if I'm gonna walk outta here in Aquaman Underoos!

Dr. Venture: That’s it, just like that, easy. Pull back a bit, god, your right on top of me.
Brock: I can’t help it... it’s stiff, doc. Maybe I should lube this thing up before we take it down there.
Dr. Venture: It’ll be fine. It’s not built for speed, it’s built for deep penetration.
Brock: All right, that’s it. You promise no penetration jokes.
Dr. Venture: Oh come on, look at that thing! How can I resist? Its practically a monument to my father’s repression.

Dr. Orpheus: It appears your father was engage in some sort of experiment, but why would he abandon it in such haste?
Hank: He gets bored pretty easy.
Dean: And rarely tidys his work area.
Hank: Hey do you think maybe, now I'm going out on a limb here, they went, down there?
[Hank points to the basement]
Dr. Orpheus: You... you mean, you didn’t check?
Dean: Are you kidding? That’s like, the basement!
Hank: It’s super spooky down there!
Dr. Orpheus: Oh dear god.
Hank: Why else would we call magic guys to help us look!
Jefferson Twilight: Oh no, no no no! 16 years old!

Jefferson Twilight: [Sarcastically] "Triad emergency."
Dr. Orpheus: I said I was sorry. The boys a very, active imaginations. They're given to flights of fancy.
The Alchemist: Yes, the little imps have certainly skylarked us into a mare's nest this time.
Jefferson Twilight: The skinny one thinking he has a shot at his daughter, now that’s an active imagination.

The Alchemist: Sweet, the action-figures came?
Jefferson Twilight: Finally, merchandising. That’s where the real money's at.
The Alchemist: Cha-ching.
Dr. Orpheus: Actually, Hasbro passed. These I made myself.
Jefferson Twilight: Hmm, nice work. A little on the creepy side but... You sculpt these yourself?
Dr. Orpheus: Oh heavens no. I merely repainted a old MEGO-doll of The Falcon.
Jefferson Twilight: Argh.
The Alchemist: Would you rather be Spock with a bald spot, I’ll trade you!

Jefferson Twilight: Orpheus, you drag us into this BS, so how do you wanna go out? Sitting in a peep-booth waiting for some Atari bitch to tell you Game-Over, or do you wanna finish what you started?
Dr. Orpheus: What do you mean?
Jefferson Twilight: I mean we already know where they're at, so lets go get them.
Dr. Orpheus: Yes, yes.
The Alchemist: Yeah-yeah, Player-3 buying in.

M.U.T.H.E.R: Where is Dr. Venture?
Brock: Don’t worry, I found him, he’s right here. And, he wants to talk to you too.
[Entmann puts in the video-card]
Jonas Venture [On TV]: Oh, hello Rusty!
M.U.T.H.E.R: No, Dr. Venture, It’s M.U.T.H.E.R.
Jonas Venture [On TV] : You’re looking well. Enjoying your new life below ground?
M.U.T.H.E.R: No, Dr. Venture, we have much to talk about.
Jonas Venture [On TV] : Ha-ha, good. Because today I like to talk to you about personal hygiene.
M.U.T.H.E.R: Oh OK.

Tears of a Sea Cow[edit]

Dr. Dugong: Man seeks a good time, but he is not a hedonist. He seeks love! He just doesn't know where to look. He looks under the beds of whores and in the hot stem of a crack pipe. He should look to nature! Gentle aquatic mammals have all the answers!

The Monarch: (upon seeing Dr. Dugong for the first time) Ugh, you're all flesh-colored and...how much Thalidomide did your mom take?

Dermott: You guys are sad. Why'd he decide to leave you here in the first place?
Hank:' Something about the conference having hot, desperate women.
Dean: And we had a bad run-in with the hot lava men of Tanga Island, so I can imagine how dangerous their women get when they're desperate!

The Monarch: I had true hatred with Venture. I didn't have to fake it! That sweet loathing just poured out of me whenever I saw his pathetic face. I just...I just wanted to kick his ass! I wanted to build a machine to kick his ass! I wanted to build an empire to house the machine TO KICK HIS ASS!
Henchman 24: Then, by God, let's go take a dump in his pool!

Henchman 21: Dude I can't believe we didn't get blown up. We're like those guys on TV who never get shot. Yeah we're like main characters.
Henchman 24: Don't jinx it! See anything?
Henchman 21: No I can't see squat with these tinted goggles on.
Henchman 24: Douche, use the night vision. What's wrong with you? (he hits 21 on the side of his head and 21's night vision goggles turn on)
Henchman 21: I can see everything! This is so cool, when did we get these?
Henchman 24: Like, 1994.
Henchman 21: Why don't I know this stuff?! Hey this is so rad. It's like Blair Witch-o-vision. Those kids' eyes look all glowy.
Henchman 24: What kids?
Henchman 21: Those two right over there!
Henchman 24: What are you doing, get them!

Kevin: Why can't we get a straight answer?
Tim-Tom: I just saw mum's clean panties.
Kevin: Oh, when she was crouching? I tried not to look. Were they-
Tim-Tom: They were white panties, Kevin. White.
Kevin: (sighs) White.

(Henchman 24 chases and tackles Dermott, who immediately starts to cough on him.)
Henchman 24: What the hell are you doing?
Dermott: I'm givin' you my earth germs! *cough, cough* I'm gonna kill you with my cold. *cough* Die, alien!
Henchman 24: I'm not an alien, dillweed. I'm a henchman! And you're not a Venture Brother. Who the hell are you?
Dermott: I'm Hank's friend.
Henchman 24: Yeah, I doubt that.
Dermott: Would you believe I'm... Brock Samson's long lost son?
Henchman 24: If that were true, I don't think I would have caught you this easily.
Dermott: I couldn't run because ...I had a lighter up my ass.
Henchman 24: Ok, NOW I believe you're Hank's friend.

Henchman 21;: If I had a lady like your wife, I'd be with her right now and I'd be brushing her hair and then we'd explore our feelings.
The Monarch: If you had a lady like my wife, you would be in an alternate future where dogs talk and birds have human pets.

Now Museum, Now You Don't[edit]

[Action Man flies in, guns blazing]
Action Man: Actiooooon!
[He violently guns down several henchmen]
Action Man: Action! Action! Action!
Col. Gentleman: Whoa-whoa-whoa Rodney, what the hell are you doing?
Action Man: What!? I'm winning the day!
Col. Gentleman: Well take it down a notch! I mean, Ook-Ook's a mindless savage. And even he knows when to pull his punches!

[The Pirate Captain walks in on Sally Impossible while she's getting out of the shower. They both scream, and Sally's skin turns invisible, revealing her musculature. The Pirate Captain screams and runs out]
Pirate Captain: Oh, man. This is all kinds of uncomfortable. On, like, a couple of levels!

[Ned jumps into the rear seat of Professor Impossible's aircraft]
Ned: Ya! Super-car go! Go car!

Action Man: I can't believe you slept with... Killermanjaro! I had no idea he...
Col. Gentleman: Neither did he, 'til the day he tried to ambush me in the middle of a threesome with Gore Vidal and Wally Schirra.

Brainulo: [Telepathically] You fantasize about conquering... the mother from Growing Pains?!
Pete White: Oh, yeah, that episode where they showed her in the bathtub?

Dr. Venture: This is gonna be one of those things, isn't it?
Brock: Uh-huh.
Dr. Venture: I mean, you get a bunch of short-fused, costumed idiots together in one room like this, and what do you think's gonna happen? Any minute now, stuff's gonna start blowing up, guys'll be throwing each other at other guys.
Brock: Yeah, probably.
Dr. Venture: You know, when you're not the one in the middle of it all for once, it's actually totally, completely obvious.
Brock: Welcome to my life.

Dr. Venture: ...but it's a melee, you live for that crap!
Brock: I'm your bodyguard, not your brother's. He can put out his own fire.

Dr. Venture: It’s too bad Col. Gentlemen couldn’t be here to basks in the glory with you. Oh, or did you guys get him killed too?
[Col. Gentlemen taps Dr. Venture on the shoulders and punches him in the face]
Dean: Its the ghost of Col. Gentlemen!
Col. Gentlemen: Thats for breaking my step-daughter’s heart.
Brock: Hey-hey-hey hey, now!
Col. Gentlemen: Don’t you try it Prince Adam, this old panther's still got moves that will make your mullet spin.
Dean: But, you’re suppose to be dead?
Col. Gentlemen: Nonsense, I'm a Ox.

Dr. Venture: Wait, Brock, don’t. We have to go back.
Brock: What?
Dr. Venture: He’s family and he’s in trouble. He needs us.
Brock: [Laughs] Get the fuck out of here.
Dr. Venture: Hah-hah. Had you going for a minute there, didn’t I? Huh!
Brock: Yeah.
Dr. Venture: Had you going.
Brock: Yeah, yeah.

Jonas Venture Jr.: Hey fellas, if I can get you to gather in the next room for a moment, I like to... What is this? Are you selling autographs?
Action Man: Like gangbusters. We made table-money in like the first five minutes.
Jonas Venture Jr.: You can’t do that here. You’re cheapening the memory.
Col. Gentlemen: Listen Pot-Noodle, we are the memory, OK. Now I saw your "suggested donation box" on the way in. So unless your giving us a cut at the door, I suggest you go rouse Spider-man and the Great Gazoo over there.
Scaramantula: [On the other table] Look at them, ratting us out to the man. Cowards!

[The old Team Venture and Brainula are on the boat heading towards Spider-Skull Island]
Brainulo: I remember, when this was all under water.
Action Man: Thats always sad when that happens.

The Lepidopterists[edit]

Ned: I'M FLYING!!! MAKE A HAPPY SMILE!!

The Cocoon's lightning cannon seems to have actually invigorated Ventronic
The Monarch: (disappointed) Ohhh! Our lightning cannon SUCKS! Who loaded it with robot food?!

The Monarch: What the fuck is that thing?
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Ummm, I think it's a giant robot with a ice cream cone for one of its arms. I think.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: I gotta ask this, is there a reason why you are always using 21 and 24?
The Monarch: I know it sounds crazy, but they both have the rare blend of expendable and invulnerable that makes them the perfect henchmen.

(Admiring Scaramantula's classic death ray cannon)
Brock: Aww no fuckin' way! Late 60's ultra death ray! She's amazing! Saddle operated with Doom-code gearing. Freakin' gorgeous.
Mr. Cardholder: If this were a woman, I'd marry it.
Mr. Doe: And I'd jeopardize our friendship by nailing your hot wife.

Brock: So you just wanna kill the Monarch? You want to shoot him, and his wife? You could take his cattle, burn his village down.

Ward: The Guild of Calamitous Intent is antagonist relations only.
Jonas Venture Jr: So who handles the good guys?
Watch: Whoa! (offended) I think the less hurtful term is protagonists.
Jonas Venture Jr: Oh. Yes. Sorry. Who handles the protagonists?
Ward: What, are you serious? OSI! Duh!
Jonas Venture Jr: Can you patch me through?
Ward: Oh, sure. (laughing) Just let me get my red phone! The hotline!
Watch: No, I'll shine the OSI signal!
Ward: No no, if we really believe, click our heels together and-
Jonas Venture Jr: Okay, okay! I get it! (hangs up)
Ward: Newbie. Did you see his creepy little body?!
Watch: Oh my god, when you were a kid, did you ever make G.I. Joe hump Rainbow Brite ?
Ward: Yeah.
Watch: He's what their kid would've looked like.

Mr Doe: (holding out his hand) Jonas Venture Jr?
Jonas Venture Jr: (folding his arms) I am. And who are the dead men I'm speaking to?
Mr Doe: That's a joke.
Mr Cardholder: Regular cut-up.
Mr Doe: Should give him a reality show.
Mr Cardholder: I'd watch it.
Mr Doe: I'd watch it twice.
Mr Cardholder: Even if Flava Flav was in it.

Henchman 21: Listen dude, don't get cozy with us. You're the guy who doesn't come back.
Henchman 24: Yeah, some guy who just shows up that nobody's ever seen before!
Henchman 21: And he's all professional- Yeah, dude, you're a goner.
Henchman 24: (putting his arm around Henchman #1's shoulders) Let me tell you a story about a little henchman named Speedy...

Henchman 21: You still don't get it. 24 and I have been on, like, a thousand missions. We've been shot at, dipped in acid...
Henchman 24: Brock Samson hit me with a car. Drove right into my kidney. Here I am!
Henchman 21: Yeah, we can walk across this floor and nothing would hit us. But then like this huge log would swing down and take your head off.
Henchman 24: Hey, here; what's your name?
Henchman 1: Henchman number 1.
Henchman 24: See, you are nameless.
Henchman 1: I'm Scott Hall, my name is Scott Hall. Okay?
Henchman 24: No, won't help.
Henchman 21: Yeah, now it's just pathos. So you're dying in my lap and I'm all "Scott! Scott don't you quit on us! Don't you dare!!"
Henchman 24: You just made your unavoidable death more pathetic.
Henchman 21: (pause) Fuck it. (begins walking across a laser tripwired floor) Nothing's gonna happen to me.

Pirate Captain: (after getting shot with tranquilizer darts) Oooohhh...It's like gettin' sucked off by an angel!

ORB[edit]

(Kano holds young Rusty, who is aiming a sniper rifle, on his shoulders. Col Gentleman sits by, wounded.)
Col. Gentleman: That thing is gonna kick like a badger, so you have to re-level quick. Aim for the bastard's neck. Hold 'im up there, Kano! I don't care if he wets himself and your head; that boy is gonna see somebody die! And if he doesn't want it to be his father, he'll have to pull that trigger!

Billy Quizboy: White! White! Get in here!
Pete White: [shudders] Congratulations, you discovered pornography.

Dr. Venture: This isn’t an invention, it’s a responsibility. We need to study this, and if we find that it will help mankind move peacefully forward, then we shall share its teachings, because we are not only men of science, we -
Billy Quizboy: We ... are men of hope.
Dr. Venture: How'd you know what I was gonna say?
Billy Quizboy: Come on! Your dad said that at, like, the end of every episode!

Col. Lloyd Venture: I'm sorry. I didn't know we were out of options.
Fantômas: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know it was sarcasm day.
Col. Lloyd Venture: I'm sorry I wasn't aware of your delicate constitution.
Fantômas: I'm sorry you smell like spoiled fruit.
Mark Twain: Fantômas has a point.
Col. Lloyd Venture: How dare you, sir! Why, I smell of freshly cut flowers!

Col. Venture: Samuel, the orb is a source of untold power! We must take our time and learn how to harness that power for the good of mankind!
Fantômas: Woah there, the orb is ours. The guild will decide what is best for mankind!
Oscar Wilde: For shame! This guild was founded to protect and serve man at his best, not to be a guild .. of calamitous intent!

The Alchemist: Alright. Let's start again. Get me a dictionary.
Pete White: But we have the internet.
The Alchemist: I don't wanna play World of Warcraft. Get me a regular dictionary. (talks to himself aloud) Ugh, internet. It's only good for finding out that your boyfriend is sleeping around. Friggin' MySpace. What, I'm not supposed to look at his friend's comments? They're right on the first page! It's hardly snooping!

Kano: ORB? Master Rusty has found ORB? (laughs) Did he find it under the couch while looking for change?

The Family That Slays Together, Stays Together (Part I)[edit]

(The Monarch, Dr. Girlfriend, The Moppets and 21&24 ride in the Monarch Mobile to storm the Venture Compound.)
Dr. Girlfriend: I wanted to take the cocoon.
The Monarch: That just what Venture expects us to do. But he won't expect this! You and your two best men, me and my...men. We keep it slim. Elite forces!
Dr. Girlfriend: Great idea. One of your "elite forces" is playing Tetris on his cell phone, while the other is peeing into a grande chai latte.
#21: God, I wish! It's like there's a vice on my wing-ding! You guys gotta stop talking so I can get in the zone.

(Brock confers with Hunter Gathers, now a post-op tranny working at a strip club)
Brock: (to Doc) I'll only be a minute. Will you just wait out in the X-1 with the boys?
Hunter: You came in the plane? You call parking a supersonic jet in front of a titty-bar inconspicuous?! Who taught you to be a spy, fucking Gallagher!?!

Brock: I'm gonna need some wheels.
Hunter: (climbing onto the table and thrusting his crotch in Brock's face) You can take mine. But you are not gonna like looking for the keys!

Brock: Damn it Hank, if we get out of this alive, I'm going to kill you myself!
Hank: Na-ah, you don't have a license to kill anymore.

The Monarch: Alright, let's review [the game plan.] Moppets?
Tim-Tom: Locate the Venture Brothers.
Kevin: And kill them!
The Monarch: Subdue them.
Tim-Tom: Cut their bellies...
The Monarch: Subdue their bellies. Dr. My Wife?
Dr. Girlfriend: Locate and seduce...
The Monarch: Subdue! Come on!
Dr. Girlfriend: Sorry. Subdue Brock Samson.
The Monarch: Good! Henchman 24?
#24: Locate and subdue the Venture robot.
The Monarch: Subdue? You can kill the robot. It's a robot! Henchman 21?
#21 does a "pee-pee" dance with a pained look on his face.
#21: What!? Dude, I gotta pee so bad, it's backing up into my kidneys!
The Monarch: Wrong! You keep an eye out for Sgt. Hatred while I locate and subdue Dr. Venture.
#21 is still doing his "pee-pee" dance.
The Monarch: (sighs) Forget it. You go to the bathroom.

Brock just laid down two tracks of oil slicks -- Herr Trigger skillfully drives his motorcycle between the two slicks.
Hank: (glibly)...didn't work...
Brock: (irritated) I KNOW!

The X1 takes a hit from a SAM fired by Herr Trigger
Brock: BUSEY!
Everybody instantly fastens their seat belts.

Holy Diver(Shore Leave): Let's kick Trespass-ass!

Dr. Girlfriend: (taking Sgt. Hatred's handie talkie-shaped cellular phone) That's a big cell phone.
Sgt. Hatred: I'm a big boy!

Jean-Claude Le Tueur: When I am your age in Paree, at night I would go up to, uh, on ze...ze rooftop? Eh? And I imagine zat I am ze Batman. So cool.
Hank: Well, when I was my age, I jumped off my roof in a Batman costume. I think. I might have just dreamt it.

Jean-Claude Le Tueur: (as he strangles Brock) You cut off your hair?? Why you do zis? You had such a cool look!

Jean-Claude Le Tueur: This sword was forged by Ikkansai Shigetsugu, master swordsmith of the Nihonto Tanren Denshunsho.
Brock: Oh, man, shut up already. Why do you sword guys always gotta talk about how cool your swords are?

Brock and Le Tueur are battling in the next room, which Dr. Venture mistakes for Hank and Dean rough-housing
Dr Venture: This is why daddy has to DRINK to RELAX, boys!

Brock: [to Dean and Hank after impaling Le Tueur with the sword] Look up the number for a guy called "the Cleaner". Call him and tell him we've got a Damien Hirst in room 202.

The Family That Slays Together, Stays Together (Part II)[edit]

The Cleaner: Well, this is as far as I go. There's a rental car waiting for ya, quarter-mile south of here. Keys and a new I.D. in the glove box, Cochise. Good luck to ya, man.
Brock: Yeah, I uh... I only got one problem with that plan... Hank never called you! (draws out his knife and places it against the Cleaner's neck.)
Moltov: [sitting on red convertible, wearing white sweats] I did. Figured even the mighty Brock Samson might have trouble fighting the entire OSI.
Brock: Molotov, I don't know why I'm surprised. How'd you find us?
Molotov: You haven't exactly been discreet.
Brock: Oh, like that get-up is? Though, I gotta admit for a disguise, it's pretty good. Hardly recognized ya.
Molotov: Wha-what dis... I'm off duty.
Brock: Haha. That's-That's how you dress when you're not catwomaning around?! I may have to rethink this whole relationship.
Hank: Who is that hood rat Brock's talking to? He can get any shorty he wants!

Hank: I'm telling you there's like a skunk ape out there or something.
Doc Venture: Hank, sit down and pretend to be sane. Dean, what are you doing?
Dean: I can't feel my left arm. How old do you have to be to have a heart attack?
Hank: In regular years, or pansy years?
Dean: Whatever! Why!? Why can't I just have a normal life?
Doc Venture: I had that dream once too.

Doc Venture: You don't know me. Why in my prime I saw some things that would make your head spin!
Sgt. Hatred: Yeah, I saw a guy's head spin, like right off his neck. Why? 'Cuz I punched him. Top That!
Doc Venture: Okay, okay... My father made me kill a man–kill a man with a house key! I was ten.
Sgt. Hatred: That's nothing. I ate a whole Labrador retriever once! I'm serious!

Sgt. Hatred: Look at us. We're hiding from our true selves. I'm a fighter, not a lover. And you...you were Rusty Venture once. Maybe the most fearless boy adventurer ever.
Doc Venture: Maybe the most?

Season 4[edit]

Blood of the Father, Heart of Steel[edit]

Sgt. Hatred: Hank, I will give you so much money to not shoot your dad.

[Brock jumps out of an airship; Helper starts beeping rapidly]
Brock: No! Helper! Whatever you do, do not engage your helicopter blades! You'll kill us both!
[More rapid beeping]
Brock: . No, I won't. Just ... trust me.

Dean: How can you say that about Hitler? I love Hitler, and Hitler loves me! He's not so bad - Hitler just needs someone to believe in him! Can't you just give Hitler a chance?

Sgt. Hatred: Alright, everybody out. I gotta - I gotta wipe.
Dr. Orpheus: Good lord. Have you been using the toilet under there this whole time?
Sgt. Hatred: We are at war with Hitler again! This is how it's done on the front lines, soldier!

Dr. Orpheus: This dog has a great evil in him!
21: That is learned behavior. That's the owner's fault usually. You have to show them that you're the alpha male.
Dr. Orpheus: Not even the great Cesar Milan could whisper this hell hound!

Plastic Surgeon: [upon seeing H.E.L.P.eR's head embedded in Brock's chest] What made you change your mind?
Brock: Huh?
Plastic Surgeon: I put in a lot of those this year. Ever since the Iron Man, everybody wants the robot hearts.
Brock: Yeah, well theirs probably don't talk this much.
Plastic Surgeon: How come all of a sudden you trust me now? What's to stop me from killing you when you're under?
[Brock pulls a grenade out of his pocket, removes the pin, and places it squarely in H.E.L.P.eR's mouth.]
Brock: Him.

Sgt. Hatred: Hank, where's your uniform?
Hank: I'm not wearing that clown-suit; and you are not the boss of me.
Sgt. Hatred: Au Contraire! I am Tony Danza to your spunky Alyssa Milano! I am full-on-Charles-in-charge of you! You are my unit.
Hank: (Smirking) "Unit".
Sgt. Hatred: And a Unit operates as one. We dress the same, we walk the same, we eat the same! You like pineapples and ham on your pizza?
Hank: Gross, no!
Sgt. Hatred: Well, you do now! Why? Because I do! Unit! Now put on your Venture blues before I tell you how much you love Country & Western music!

Dean: The doggie made a poo-poo.
Dr. Venture: Great! Some fucking master race!

Dr. Venture: Let's see the half-mil.
21: This relic belonged to my father's father. It has been passed down to the first-born male in my family's line.
Dr. Venture: [removing the cover to reveal, in a mylar sheath, a Marvel comic book] What? It's a comic. A comic that has a price on it for ten cents.
21: A comic? That is Marvel #1!
Dr. Venture: Look, I wasn't born yesterday. There's no way that something featuring Ka-Zar the Great, and twelve pages of jungle adventure is worth half a million bucks.
21: That's in almost dead mint condition! That is CGC rated at 9.6! It's like a miracle!
Dr. Venture: Okay, why don't you go sell your magic beans to another superscientist with an illegal cloning facility. I'm done with this crap.
21: Hold on to this, look it up on the Internet. You will see what I tell you is completely true. And take this. [A small cooler]
Dr. Venture: What's this—the world's most valuable cooler?
21: It's cloning material. It's 24's finger. It still has the Blackbeard's diamond treasure ring I got him. You can keep that too, I guess. It's worth two low, low payments of $29.95.
Dr. Venture: [seeing Hank entering] Alright, get out of here. I don't want to tell my kids about this crap.
21: [passing Hank]] Sorry about the bad news, Highlander. Looks like you'll never see the Quickening.
Hank: Huh?

Dr. Venture: [handing Hank the comic book] If you're so excited about worthless garbage, you want this too?
Hank: Yeah, totally! [Takes the comic book out of the sheath, upon which the value and CGC rating begin decreasing] What? What's this crap? Where's Batman?

Brock: What're you gonna do, little man...woman?

Brock: I can cross "Stab Hitler to death" off my list of cool crap I thought I'd never get to do.
Hank: Brock?
Brock: Hey Hank. Killed Hitler.

Handsome Ransom[edit]

Dr. Venture: Shit! It's Chuck Scarsdale! Hide or we're gonna be on the news!

(Monarch is in Wonder Boy's costume which traumatize Captain Sunshine.)
Captain Sunshine: Take. That. Costume. Off!
The Monarch: Whats the matter Captain Fun Time? Isn't this what you always wanted?!
Captain Sunshine: What are you talking about?!
The Monarch: Wouldn't it just fix everything twisted up inside of you if you can only fuck Wonder Boy and your worst enemy at the same time, huh? Well come and get us!

Hank: Hey um, do you think maybe you could put in a good word for Batman for me?
Captain Sunshine: GET OUT OF MY SANCTUM SOLARIUM.

The Monarch: [Laughs evilly] Time to pay the piper, Venture. Or in minutes my meca-pillar silky issue will destroy the only living proof you've actually had sex. That is, unless you give me $10 million!
Dr. Venture: What?! Since when do you arch for money?
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Yeah, what are you doing?
The Monarch: Honey, how long have we been trying to kill this schmuck, 10, 20 years?
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: I don’t know, since Marky Mark had a Funky Bunch!
The Monarch: And it never works. You wanna know how to really hurt Venture?
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Not really, but as a wife I try to be supportive, so.
The Monarch: We strike him in the pocket book. Ha-ha.
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Yeah, speaking of which, how much did those meca-pillars set us back?
The Monarch: I dunno, a couple of mil. Anyway, it’s $10 million Venture. Tick-tock tick-tock.
Dr. Venture: Look I don’t have that type of cash lying around.
Dean: Daddy! [Meca-pillar gags him]
Dr. Venture: All right, you can have anything in my lab. Anything you see here, take your pick. Anything except for the positronic accelerator...
The Monarch: I don’t want any of your old crap. This isn't "Antiques Roadshow," dick. Its your money or their lives!
Hank: Yeah, quit being such a skin-flint and pay the piper-man.
Sgt. Hatred: Now don’t take sides with your arch-enemy!
Hank: Shut up, you're not the dad of me.
Dr. Venture: Hank! Don’t you sass your bodyguard.
Hank: He’s not my bodyguard.
Dr. Venture: Will you accept half for just Dean? You can keep Hank.
Sgt. Hatred: Your father doesn’t mean that Hank.
Dr. Venture: Oh don’t I. Do you know what Mr. Smart-mouth called me as he stormed out this morning, a honky.
The Monarch: [Chuckle] Did you really?
Hank: Yeah.
The Monarch: I’m transmitting you the instruction for the drop-off now, I suggest you follow them. Or your boys will follow the rainbow bridge to Valhalla. [Laughs] That is not as dark as its sounds in my head, is it?

The Monarch: Henchman 21, there's a taxi idling in the driveway awaiting his fare... slay him!

Perchance to Dean[edit]

Dr. Venture: ([upon finding Dean passed out] Dean! Noooo! [picks up the headphones] Oh, my God, it's side two of Dark Side of the Moon! He's in a Floyd hole! Fill the tub up with ice, now!

UPS Worker: "Well hey there, slugger! Looks like you're gunning for my job!"
Hank: "Did my dad tell you to say that?"
UPS Worker: "Uhh no."
Hank: "Then... are you psychic?"
Dr. Venture: "Hank, leave the man alone. Just because he's black doesn't mean he has the shining."

Dr. Venture: (After Aborted Dean hugs the C4 statue of Dr. Venture) Who the hell was that?"

Dr. Venture: (To the UPS Worker) "Hey! You know what 'Brown can do for me?' He can mind his own business!"

Return to Malice[edit]

[The Monarch is confronted by the Pupae Twins/Murderous Moppets]
The Monarch: I'm only gonna say this once. I don't like you two, and if you ever - EVER - try to give me an order again, I will kill you both and feed your tiny, rotting bodies to the neighborhood dogs!...Now, what were you saying?
Tim-Tom: Er...have a nice walk?

[Monarch is outside 21's treehouse.]
[Knock Knock Knock]
Henchmen #21: What's the password?
The Monarch: I forgot... oh wait, I remember. I'm the f**king Monarch. Let me in. Now.

[Venture and Sgt. Hatred ride to the gates of Malice, they are next to a security guard robot.]
Guard Robot: You're gonna have to turn your vehicle around. This is a gated community.
Hatred: Yeah, I'm a pretty, little flower. (Venture starts to look puzzled) Like a prom date, (upward infliction) maybe?
[Robot guard keeps saying, "This is a gated community."]
Hatred: Enjoy the silence, are you for supper?
[The robot starts to malfunction while still saying, "This is a gated community."]
Hatred: Turtles. Now lets go talk about little, breaded chicken fingers.
[The guard robot collapses on the car window.]
Hatred: (Smiles) Robots. Programed to answer over 700 different questions. None of which include chicken fingers.

The Revenge Society[edit]

Phantom Limb(Revenge): Welcome to alive, Dragoon. My name is Revenge.
Councilman 8: Your name is Phantom limb, you fucking lunatic.
Councilman 3: That's Phantom Limb? No wonder! He's like #1 on "The Guild's Most Wanted" list. (sarcastically) Great. Now he's gonna kill us.

[Sgt. Hatred is sitting in the bathroom, crying]
Dr. Venture: [yelling from behind the bathroom door] I have a list of inappropriate behavior. #1: This! Don't do this!
Sgt. Hatred: [sniffles] What's #2?
Dr. Venture: Nothing! I don't have a #2. I don't even have a list.

Billy Quizboy: Why can't I hear them?
Councilman 3: Because you are SANE.

Self-Medication[edit]

Doctor: I think a good way to begin is to tell Rusty a bit about yourselves and your journey to the group.
Hero formerly known as Wonderboy: Me first? Well, I have a bit of an eating disorder...
Lance Hale: No!
Doctor: Lance, wait your turn.
Hero formerly known as Wonderboy: As a superhero sidekick, I led a very active, athletic lifestyle. But when I turned eighteen, and I was, shall we say, "replaced with a newer model," I started putting the weight on. And then I would eat more because I was depressed. (The Doctor prompts him to continue.) And...I have abandonment issues? More?
Doctor: Tell Rusty your name.
Hero formerly known as Wonderboy: Oh, well, that's a tricky one! The latest development in my caped crusade against Captain Sunshine's lawyers is that I get to keep most of the costume, but I'm no longer allowed to call myself Wonderboy when I appear in public.
Lance Hale: *cough* Mall openings! *cough*
Doctor: Lance...
Lance Hale: Our turn? Lance Hale, one half of the world-famous Hale Brothers. Boy detectives. You've heard of us. Anyway, we're here because my allegedly twin brother Dale still hasn't gotten over our father's death.
Dale Hale: I can still see his face through the steam of his pooling blood as he lay sputtering on the cold linoleum floor...
Lance Hale: (punches Dale in the arm) Punch-buggy depressing! Nobody wants to hear that crap, Dale! Heheh, sorry. We didn't just lose our dad that night. His death remains our only unsolved case ever. We had to quit the business because the shame was just too great.
Action Johnny: Yeah, retiring at thirty on daddy's famous fortune must've been real hard on you...
Lance Hale: For your information, Action Junkie, he bequeathed most of it to the local boy detective academy. We hardly got dick because nothing we ever did was good enough!
Dale Hale: He did leave us that nice car...
Lance Hale: It's totally fuckin' cherry! But that is not the point, Dale, and don't interrupt me again, or I swear to God I will fuck you up...

Action Johnny: My dad's lab was like a pharmacological candy store, so I started real young. Next thing I know, I'm blowing lines of voodoo powder off the back of a monkey's paw I bought in Calcutta. Now I'm all out of wishes.
Dr. Venture: I wasn't even allowed to wear long pants until I left for college. Is it any wonder I didn't lose my virginity until I was over 20?
Lance Hale: So dumbass here is so freaked out by the mess, he forgets twenty years of detective training and actually picks up the shotgun with his bare hands. Well, I just instinctively reached out to stop him, of course. And so...that's how both our sets of prints ended up on the murder weapon.
Ro-Boy: I tried to be good, I just couldn't help myself sometimes. When I see a giant robot I just get so mad, I wanna beat them up! And then I wanna burn them! Sometimes I wanna burn the whole world!
Hero formerly known as Wonderboy: I mean, I can't even get an erection now unless I'm tied to a chair with a time bomb taped to my chest.

(The boys look for their doctor's killer at Nightingale's. The Bouncer tries to intimidate them.)
Bouncer: Hey, Johnny.
Action Johnny: Hey, Francis. You're in my way, there.
Bouncer: You've been banned, Junkie! Get out before I throw you out!
Hero formerly known as Wonderboy: Hey, you mess with one boy adventurer, you mess with all of us!
(A crowd of bikers gather around them.)
Dr. Venture: I think they were hoping you'd say that...
Action Johnny: (noticing a cold sore on the Bouncer's lip.) Looks like you got a bit of herpey on your lip. You been kissin' your wife's ass? After I put herpey in there?

Action Johnny: Uh, hey, how those balls doin', Rust?
Dr. Venture: Ugh. Spirit is up and roaming, but Opportunity hasn't come back online yet.

Action Johnny: Trick or Treat, old man.
Dr. Z: Wh-what? Okay. Hold on. I didn't realize it was the 31st already. We have only some old Sourballs and Kraft Caramels.
Action Johnny: Cut the crap, Z!
Dr. Z: Ah, if it isn't Action Johnny. To what do I owe this pleasure? Come to steal an old man's medication, again?
Action Johnny: I think you know why we're here.
Dr. Z: Big, tough guy when you have your little friends with you, aren't you? Hello again, Rusty.
Dr. Venture: [Flatly] Dr. Z.
Action Johnny: Why'd you kill him Z? To get to me?
Dr. Z: I have no idea what you are talking about, I have not arched you in years. Why would I? You're nothing but a punk!
Action Johnny: You're going to tell me that you didn't send your flunky to murder our therapist with a a Vietnamese two-step Viper?
Dr. Z: [Dramatically] BAH! When Dr. Z harasses you, you'll know it! A giant metal crab will tear the roof of your trailer! No less than six suicide assassins would spring from its belly! I would never stoop to striking at you through some civilian proxy. And certainly would not do it with a made up snake!

Dr. Z: Would you believe Mrs. Z is actually older than I?
Action Johnny: Hey, just like me and Rust. I’m the older one but he looks like he could be my dad.
Dr. Venture: That’s because you’ve got more chemical preservatives in you than a Twinkie. And don’t try and tell me that isn’t a weave

The Monarch: How was it?
#21: Better than first one. I like the second one a little better...
The Monarch: Yeah, that what they were saying on Ain’t It Cool.
#21: Yeah, all-in-all it's a fixing end to the trilogy, though.

Dr. Venture: ...well Daphne I believe she got around quite a bit, but Velma? I always thought she was a...
Action Johnny: Everybody did. But I’ve got a pack of herpes that say otherwise.

Young Rusty: Well, I don’t know. Sometimes I wish I can be just be like a normal kid and go out and play with kids my own age and stuff. The only people I get to hang out with are grown-ups. The only time I get to leave the compound, is to go some place creepy like the Bermuda Triangle. And then I get kidnapped, by grown-ups. And I’m not even sure if I wanna be a super-scientist when I grow up anyway, but I feel all this pressure because of my fa.... It feels weird telling you all this stuff.
[While Young Rusty is talking he’s unaware of Jonas Venture sneaked into the room]
Jonas Venture: Remember Rusty, in here I’m your doctor not your father. Now lets get back to it shall we. You were telling me how you’re ungrateful for all the opportunities your father’s given you and you blame me for all your problems!

The Better Man[edit]

Dean: Can I pet your pussy?
Triana Orpheus: [holding a cat] There is no irony in that, is there?
Dean: [patting the cat] No, it's soft. [The cat screeches and runs away] Your pussy hates me.

Dr. Orpheus: Tatyana, what are you doing here?
Master:[as Tatyana] I was just sitting here thinking how glad I am that I left you for the OutRider, and how he does that thing you used to do with your mouth, but better because he can hold his breath longer.
Dr. Orpheus: Oh... it is you. My Master.
Master:[as Tatyana] Duh, Orpheus. Now what’s all this cry-baby crap about. Aren’t you used to the OutRider making you look like a shnooke by now?
Dr. Orpheus: He came out of a portal to the second-world. I have been training my whole life just to perceive that there is a second-world, and he can move between them. Tell me Master how can this be?
The Master:[as Tatyana] The love of a good woman can do wonders, Orpheus. I mean look at me, [Puts hands on breasts] and these are natural C cups. Aren’t they beautiful? I mean, you could bounce a penis off these!
Dr. Orpheus: I doubt my ex-wife's breasts are the answer.
The Master:[as Tatyana] It doesn’t stop there; I’m sitting on what is easily the ass of a teenager. What does she do pilates or something? You can rest a coffee mug on it.
Dr. Orpheus: Really, she’s almost forty by now!
The Master:[as Tatyana] Well, you tell it to the heinie Orpheus, because it still thinks it's 1992.

Dermott: Do you dig this Tracy girl or what?
Dean: Well, she seems nice, and her hair is really pretty.
Dermott: Well, talk to her, then. You don't have to nail her. Just see what happens. Man, way to be uptight.
Hank: Wait, did you just give good advice?
Dean: I gotta go check the temperature in Hell.
Dermott: You can both blow me.

Dr. Orpheus:: We must draw him out. Draw him from Hell with Hell. Quickly! What is the worst thing that's ever happened to you? (Points at Jefferson Twilight.)
Jefferson Twilight:: Um...I saw my mom raped by blackulas. I was 10. She called my name. I just stood there.
Dr. Orpheus: Um, wow. Wait, I can hear him. More ugliness?
Master Billy Quizboy: Once I saw two homeless guys giving each other oral sex.
Dr. Orpheus: Yes, he's closer! More like that.
The Alchemist: Okay, this is really gross. Once I was out of toilet paper, so I used cotton balls. So, you know, I'm wiping, and I think my finger kinda poked through the cotton. So I—and do not ask me why—I smell my finger to check.
Jefferson Twilight: Gross. I see where this is going.
Dr. Orpheus: Quickly, Al, he's so close!
The Alchemist: Okay, I bring it up to smell it, right. But somehow the cotton got stuck to my fingers, so when I smell my fingers, the cotton's getting stuck to my razor stubble. So then I have this shit-cotton all over my face!

Dean: I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I think we should see other people. Long distance relationships can be rough.
Triana Orpheus: You are so wise, Dean. I'm gonna miss you.
[She kisses him]
Dean: Or maybe we could try a long distance relationship!
Triana Orpheus: There are too many girls waiting in line. I can't hog you all to myself.
Dean: True.

The Alchemist: How did it go?
Dr. Orpheus: What are you doing in here?
The Alchemist: Did he mention me? The Master in your daughter’s closet that may not exist!
Dr. Orpheus: No he didn’t mention you. And it went like it always does, he tore away at my heart until he kicked me out.

Hank: Hey, can I ask you something? You’re gay, right?
The Alchemist: Yeah!
Hank: What’s it looked like? I mean, is it real or is it all Frankenstein?
The Alchemist: Hank!
Hank: Your dingus. Does it look real?
The Alchemist: What is kid-crazy talking about?
Jefferson Twilight: He thinks you're transgender.
The Alchemist: Hank, it looks real because it is real. I’m gay. It doesn’t mean I was born a woman. I have a regular dingus, as you say.
Jefferson Twilight: Hank, aren’t you just a little ashamed of your ignorance?
The Alchemist: Like just a little?
Hank: Yeah, constantly.

Jefferson Twilight: Torrid a dick. Who does that? Who opens up hell, honestly?
Dr. Orpheus: If Torrid gets the portal open we’re done for. Once the second-world comes through, we haven’t the power to stop them.
The Alchemist: I gotta be honest, I’m scared. I’m like a 9 scared. 9.3 maybe.
Dr. Orpheus: We should all be at 10. There isn’t a sorcerer alive who has the ability to fight the denizen of the second-world. I’m a 10.
Jefferson Twilight: If Orpheus is going Bo Derek then I'm pushing it up to 8.
Dr. Orpheus: I admire your bravery. Now are you ready to wage our final battle?
The Alchemist: What? Hell no. I have one more thing to try. [Yells at Torrid] Stop being a pud. Knock it off you dimbat. Nobody wants you to open a door to hell.
[ Cthulhu comes out of the portal and reaches for Torrid]
Torrid: No, no. I command thee!
[It grabs Torrid and throws him inside the portal]
The Alchemist: Something just came out of the vortex and killed Torrid. So, that happen.
Dr. Orpheus: The time is now. Triad join me. I am Dr. Orpheus, master of mysticism.
Jefferson Twilight: I’m a...
The Alchemist: I don’t wanna do that introducing ourselves bit, it’s goofy. Lets not die being goofy.
Jefferson Twilight: I’m with Al. Maybe we can sing a Stevie Wonder song together!
The Alchemist: Yeah, that’s not much better.

[Billy just finished operating on the OutRider’s head]
Billy Quizboy: It's out! I did it. So, am I part of the Triad?
The Alchemist: Triad implies three. So...
Billy Quizboy: All right. Then you guys have to pay my rather steep fee.
The Alchemist: Welcome to the Mystical Order of the Triad, Special Brother Billy!

The Master:[as Future Dean] OK , listen: I’m the Master. I’m like your dad’s omission boss, so let me give you some advice. Get on with your life. You think anyone can just walk into to your closet and see me?
Triana Orpheus: Never would of thought of that!
The Master:[as Future Dean] It’s a regular closet to anyone without The Gift. I mean, you can start your training now, and seriously, you can make better money with this stuff than you can as the manager of The Gap.
Triana Orpheus: Yeah, my dad kinda wants me to go to art school.
The Master:[as Future Dean] Yeah, and get the world’s most useless diploma! Forget your dad, he’s just trying to save you from his life, not yours. Triana Orpheus, you should go live with your mother and begin your training to be a sorceress. It's your destiny! And it's way cheaper than art school!

Dr. Orpheus: Triad! Be unseen!
Jefferson Twilight: Was something supposed to happen? Are we invisible now, or something?
Dr. Orpheus: No, I meant that we should hide. Just like behind something.
The Alchemist: Well be specific next time.

Jefferson Twilight: Score?
The Alchemist: 85%.
Jefferson Twilight: Get out! Where did I blow?
The Alchemist: Well, for one, you killed Matthew Lasko.
Jefferson Twilight: That was... well, he was wearing punctuation on his suit. That's a total bad-guy suit!
The Alchemist: He helps people get free money from the government. That is a good guy. It's reflected in your score.

Pinstripes & Poltergeists[edit]

Dr. Girlfriend: Monstroso? That's what this is about? He's the king of the double cross. I mean, think about it, he's lawyer and a super villian. That's like a shark with a grenade launcher on its head.

#24: Seriously, ask me any question.
#21: Okay, what's the meaning of life?
#24: The color twelve.
#21: Really?!
#24: No, idiot! Ask me something less Hitchhiker's Guide, dork.
#21: Do we have souls?
#24: Yeah. Well, not quite souls but, it's a general idea. Everything has a soul.
#21: Crap. So I guess I should become a vegetarian?
#24: No. Like everything living has a soul. Even spinach. You can't win.
#21: Oh, so that's ... the problem.
#24: Here's something. You know how people cry about aborting babies because of their "soul"? It turns out you don't get a soul till' you're like one.
#21: So weird. One? Really?!
#24: Or maybe six months, I forget. Anyway, you're just this crying ... pooing ... monster blob till you get your soul.
#21: That's amazing, I should tell everybody! People need to know about this!
#24: Oh definitely, and maybe you should write it all down on a golden plate, or maybe get some aviators and a compound in Guyana-
#21: Okay, I get it. Dude, I barely believe you're real. I mean, if there were ghosts, they'd be freakin' everywhere
#24: Eh, not necessarily. You can only haunt someone you were close to, (voice echos) in life.
#21: And you chose me? Out of everything, you chose me?
#24: Uh, before you get all teary-eyed, I could only choose between you, and a cocoon that is constantly getting blown up.
#21: Still, you could've-
#24: Or Beth Seten. But she's not fifteen anymore so she probably doesn't like me (voice echos again) "that way".

Col. Gathers: Damn it Shore Leave, you’ve ruined another outfit. Think Betsy Ross works here? I’m the one who has to sew this back together, you clown.
[Brock laughs]
Col. Gathers: What are you laughing at, Mr. Blood stains on everything?
Brock: You know that he rips those himself. He just tears it off like a Chippendales firemen, every time.
Col. Gathers: Good god, why?
Shore Leave: For one, because it looks super-cool.
Col. Gathers: You’re an infant.

#21: 24? Hey, 24? Dude?
#24: Yes, my master. What is this, I Dream of Jeannie? What do you want?
#21: I need you to check the Venture Compound and deactivate the alarms.
#24: I’m not a poltergeist, I can’t move stuff. But I’ll take a look around if you do that thing for a couple of my new friends.
#21: Oh, come on! OK fine, quickly. I’m in a hurry.
#24: This is Speedy, you remember him, and this is President Woodrow Wilson. They bet me you couldn’t do it.
Woodrow Wilson: Velvet Hour!
#21: Kate Moss, easy.
#24: Still!
#21: Jennifer Lopez.
Speedy: Covet!
#21: Sarah Jessica Parker, and she also has Lovely, Twilight and Dawn. And a whole bunch more.
Woodrow Wilson: Astonishing, he’s like the Rainman of the celebrity signature perfume. UNSCRIPTED!
#21: Patrick Dempsey. I know it’s insane. And Tim McGraw and Carlos Santana also them.
#24: Alright you guys, I win. Looks like you have to tell Helen-of-Troy how awesome I am.

#21: Brock Samson, at last we meet.
Brock: Do I know you?
#21: Don’t pull that shit with me. [#21 displays his fighting acrobatics] I don’t know why your here and I don’t care. I’ve been waiting for this moment for a year.
Brock: Boo!
[#21 hits Brock in the face]
Brock: Ah, very nice. Somebody's been training.
#21:This is like Christmas, my first BMX bike and meeting the cast of Firefly all-in-one. Let’s go. Come on Samson, bring it.
Brock: OK tubbs, let see what else you got.
[#21 kicks Brock but he blocks it and then hits #21 to the ground]
Brock: You didn’t think I was gonna take it easy on you, did ya?
#21: I was fucking praying you wouldn’t. You gotta bring it. BRING IT!

The Diving Bell Vs. The Butter-Glider[edit]

The Monarch: [on King Gorilla] He looks like a gorilla suit with nobody in it—wearing David Byrne's Stop Making Sense suit.

#21: We are getting hammered out there! Sgt. Hatred does not share Brock's aversion to firearms, and now even their robot's packing heat! We need body armor.
Dr. Girlfriend: Well, what's that you're wearing?
#21: I had to buy this myself online! I'm out-of-pocket an AT-AT Walker, two Greedos, and a Landspeeder. And not everyone here has Star Wars duplicates to sell on eBay. Half these guys weren't even born when Empire came out, and the rest are barely making minimum wage!
Henchman: You guys get paid?
#21: And another thing—retractable wings. I mean, this is ridiculous! These things are just big, clumsy, orange kill-me signs in the battlefield, and it's not like it's any better when we get back here. Every doorway in this cocoon is tapered at the arch.
Dr. Girlfriend: Well, we're not changing any doors, but we'll take the wing thing under consideration.
#21: I have a better solution, and I've brought some visual aids. Big-screen! [A big monitor is lowered, giving the following presentation] Gentlemen, and lady, I give you the henchman of the future. The Mighty Monarch Mark-V Henchsuit. Made of flexible poly-alloy, they are lightweight, fireproof, and bulletproof. In keeping with our insect theme, the turbo-hydraulic exoskeleton increases the wearer's strength and agility tenfold. But it's not all about defense. The Mark-V also boasts an impressive array of offensive weapons, including grappling spears, gas-propelled rockets and 25-millimeter heat-seeking, fire-and-forget missiles all controlled via heads-up display built right into the state-of-the-art helmet.
Dr. Girlfriend: Which reminds me—people, I'm told you're using too much bandwidth, so if you're not using the Internet for official...
#21: Whoa! Whoa! Hey, hey! Wait a minute! What about my Mighty Monarch Mark-V Henchsuit?!
Dr. Girlfriend: Oh, come on, 21. If half that stuff even exists yet, it would cost a fortune.
#21: Well then why don't you send us out to rob a bank or ransom the moon or something! Aren't you guys supposed to be supervillains?
Dr. Girlfriend: We have a more...specialized practice. Look, we just can't afford it right now, okay?
The Monarch: [coming in on his "Butter-Glider"] Check out what I just bought!

The Monarch: Honey, they're henchmen. You don't explain to them, they do your bidding. When you say "jump", they say, "what shark?"

Sgt. Hatred: Don't you have one of them fancy machines that can just look inside him, you know, like...with computers?
Master Billy Quizboy: You mean an MRI.
Sgt. Hatred: Oh.
Master Billy Quizboy: But he's right. We need to see inside Rusty's brain, and to do that, you know what we need?
Hank: An aeronaut! And an armored bear!
Master Billy Quizboy: A submarine!
Hank: Also good.
Dean: We've got one—the X-3
Pete White: Wait, wait, wait, wait. What are you— oh, geez! No! Come on, not that old cliche.
Master Billy Quizboy: Cliche nothing! It is a classic!
Pete White: Innerspace is not a classic!
Master Billy Quizboy: That's, like, a great film!
Pete White: Then why don't they make it on DVD, huh, fella?
Master Billy Quizboy: They totally do. And, whatever—I was talking about Fantastic Voyage anyway!

Col. Gathers: No way! A thousand times no! I’m not letting those clowns shrink my 40 million dollar secretly funded nuclear submarine to go fight the fucking cavity creeps!
Hank: Then when our father dies, are you guys prepare to adopt us?
Col. Gathers: No, but I'm considering a extremely late-term abortion! Samson! What part of secret underground headquarters does that square-head of yours fail to grasp?!
Brock: Look, they live next door, what am I suppose to do?
Col. Gathers: Wipe their pink little minds and send them back home, like I told you!
Brock: They discover us every other week. I can’t keep doing that, its starting to make them buggy. Listen to this. Dean, what day is today?
Dean: Sagittarius
Brock: Goooooood! Now Hank, what color is my tongue?
Hank: It’s kind of... Wednesday! Like a light Wednesday.

Sgt. Hatred: [pointing loaded gun at Billy and White] I am over-weight, over fifty, and speedballing tranq darts and pure adrenaline!

Pomp & Circuitry[edit]

Phantom Limb: [To his two remaining invisible limbs] Armando...Legtenant Shankley...good to have you back!

Dr. Venture: Did you push State like I asked you?
Master Billy Quizboy: I hate to be the one to break this to you, Rust, but your boys are pathetically underprepared for adulthood.
Dr. Venture: Well, sure, Hank's a bit of a late bloomer, but did you catch Dean's little mustache? Really starting to come in.
Master Billy Quizboy: Yeah, regardless of the 'stache, neither of them knows a thing about the real world.
Dr. Venture: What are you talking about? Those kids have been around the globe more times than Gaëtan Dugas.
Master Billy Quizboy: But the stuff those beds have been teaching them is more dated than Funk & Wagnalls. I mean, what college do you think is gonna accept transcripts from a talking bed anyway? Especially since, if I'm reading this right, Hank didn't graduate.
Dr. Venture: HANK!

Col. Gathers: Way to go, Heidi! Samson's down by three with a minute left in the game, and you just cut the feed! What in God's name do you want?!
Hank: I want to join up with you guys!
Col. Gathers: Yeah? Well, my boot wants to join up with your ass, and I'm about to throw 'em a shotgun wedding!

Dr. Venture: If you were gonna jerk us around like this, then why the hell did you even agree to see us?
Dr. Willard Harris: Honestly?
Dr. Venture: That would be a nice change of pace.
Dr. Willard Harris: Because when my secretary told me a "Dr. Venture" was here to see me, I thought she meant your brother.

Hank: Yeah. I feel like that Jewish guy who lost all his powers when they cut his hair off.
Brock: Uh, Samson?
Hank: Lenny Kravitz. It's not all about you, you know?
Brock: Yeah.

[The Phantom Limb is restored to full health]
Phantom Limb: You've done it, Richard! You've replicated my original machine to a T! I'm whole again!
Prof. Impossible: [In supervillianous costume] The name's not Richard anymore, Hamilton. From now on, I'm Professor...Incorrigible!
Phantom Limb: Ooh...
Prof. Impossible: Professor...Indolent?
Phantom Limb: Ugh!
Prof. Impossible: Professor Infamous.
Phantom Limb: Mm...ah...
Prof. Impossible: Professor Indo-China!
Phantom Limb: They're all a bit...forced...
Prof. Impossible: Professor Inscrutable?

Any Which Way But Zeus[edit]

Col. Gathers: It's downright reasonable. I could pole-dance better than half those women. Good lord, son, there should be a mandatory retirement age for strippers.
Brock: Did you see I got cornered by Robin last night? I almost had to chew off my own arm to get away.
Col. Gathers: Ohh, that poor woman has the saddest tits. Damn depressing.
Brock: Right? Yeah, they're like The Notebook sad.
Col. Gathers: Her tits are like "coming home from school and finding out that your old man ran over your cat" sad.
Brock: Mournful. She has mournful tits. They're like two suicide notes stuffed in a glitter bra.
Col. Gathers: Those things are like a little kid with progeria cracking all his ribs trying to catch a Nerf ball—just sad. Damn it, she has gloomy tits!
Brock: It's like she put a dollar's worth of change into some old socks and then taped them to her chest.
Col. Gathers: I want to build two little caskets and give her tits a tasteful, dignified funeral.

Master Billy Quizboy: I fought an 8 year old, and the only reason I won is he tripped into a spike. I had my eyes closed the whole time - until I heard an 8 year old dying on a spike!

Zero: Fight.
Master Billy Quizboy: [throwing down his shield] What is with you?!
Pete White: [throwing down trident] With me?! I do everything for you, fella!
Master Billy Quizboy: You boss me around like you gave birth to me!
Zero: [over the continued argument] Stop this fighting and fight one another! We wanna see you fight! Stop fighting and fight!

General Treister: One—in all reported cases, the abductor was Zeus, the Greek god of thunder and rock 'n roll. Yes, agents Kenan and Kel?
Councilman 3: We just want it on record that we don't like our code name.
General Treister: Noted.

General Treister: I want notes, lists and answers by the time I finish this here Juicy-a-Box! WARNING: I am Thirst-ay! And it is Fruit Punch! And it is Delicious!

[The Supervillians prepare to be fitted with an experimental power-negating device for the Summit]
Phantom Limb: ...Very well, but you may have to give me the shot in my derriere. Needles can't penetrate my electro-impalpable limbs!
Watch: Yeah, 'needles'. Good one. Try Giant Metal Spikes.
[A gigantic torture-machine is unveiled, including a chair and hundreds of sharp steel spikes]
Ward: They're wonderful and frightening and they go in through your neck and they replace all your blood!
Watch: You get your blood back at the end of the summit, unless that 'loss of life' thing happens. Then we send your next of kin a big jar of blood and a very nice card.

General Treister: Agent Matthew Perry! (pronounces the last name as "Purry")
Professor Impossible: ...I dunno. Hey...my arms feel like they have ants running around my bones. Fascinating...
General Treister: NOT AN ANSWER!

Pete White: I’m not gonna fight him, they can’t make me fight him.
Shore Leave: White you are such a sissy.
Pete White: I’m a sissy. You're calling me a sissy.
Shore Leave: Oh yeah, I get it. I’m out and proud and I’m the sissy. I’m brave enough to be who I am in the face of assholes like you, and I’m the sissy. Maybe when you come outta the closet you can walk a mile in my jimmy Choos.
Pete White: What?! I am so not gay.
Shore Leave: With that pink shirt and that oh-so-sad dye job.
Pete White: I’m a albino, and this is my lucky shirt. It was red when I bought it.
Shore Leave: I hope I fight you next. You BIG sissy.

OSI Agent: Change into these and proceed to the cavity search.
Col. Gathers: Cavity search my ass!
[Everybody looks at Hunter]
Col. Gathers: I mean... you know what I mean.

Brock: Let’s go Shore Leave, boys night out. You coming?
Shore Leave: Boys night out, I wish. You guys are gonna go to that strip club again.
Col. Gathers: You make that wholesome place sound dirty, you bastard. Are you coming or not?
Shore Leave: Hmm, ahh... I’m feeling kind of, kind of gay. Wait... no. No it’s definitely... I’m definitely still gay.

[Brock notices Tigershark staring him down.]
Brock: What the fuck are you looking at?
Tigershark: I’m Tigershark. I represent The Peril Partnership.
Brock: So what! The Peril Partnership is in like, Canada. How would I even know you?
Tigershark: Toronto! You broke my knees after I found you in bed with my wife.
Brock: [Laughs] Yeah, you had a little striped suit on. Hey I’m sorry brush, she told me that you were...
Tigershark: Gonna kill you.
[Tigershark lunges at Brock across the table but stops before he can reach him]

Everybody Comes to Hank's[edit]

Hank: Oh yeah! I'm jealous that I don't get to go to New York dressed as the Jamaican flag to work for no pay.
Dean: It's an internship, Hank. They pay you with experience and an impressive resume.

The Alchemist to Dr. Orpheus: Remember when your wife used to screw you without paperwork?
Dr. Orpheus: Oh nice language in front of the boy.
Hank: You hear alot in my line of work.



The Alchemist: Relax, I just wanna talk to you.
Dermott: I didn't steal those games. They're defective, so they are just being thrown out.
The Alchemist: I'm not Mall Security.
Dermott: So who are you?
Hank: He's works with me. He's The Alchemist, seeker of truth.
Dermott: You're the super-hero guy and you're hanging out with Hank?
The Alchemist: Look, pudgy mac-talk-alot, I just got dumped by my lover who then tossed me out on my jobless ass, so I had to move in with my boring team member who lives in the burb’s and doesn’t do squat. And I just told you too much, didn’t I?
Dermott: Ugh dude, no shit.

Billy Quizboy: So you've met Nikki? Nikki Fictel?
Hank: And how!
Billy Quizboy: Yeah, she's a looker, that one. Gams straight up to heaven.

The Alchemist: Let me ask you a question.
Dr. Orpheus: Sure.
The Alchemist: It's the...Bewitched question.
Dr. Orpheus: Oh, yes. Why didn't Darrin let Samantha just make them magically rich so he wouldn't have to be a workaday whipping boy?
The Alchemist: Yeah. Where do you stand on that one?
Dr. Orpheus: I can't make you rich, Al.
The Alchemist: I don't want that. It's just that...you know how I can tell if people are telling the truth. It's one of my gifts. Hank has this case...
Dr. Orpheus: I've noticed you've been...palling around with the young lad.
The Alchemist: That kid knows how to have fun, Orpheus. You could learn something from him. Anyway, in this case we got going, everyone is telling the truth, and none of it adds up. I...I kind of wanna help him.
Dr. Orpheus: Well, we have these powers. They are a part of us, and we should never be ashamed or afraid to use them for good.
The Alchemist: So, you'd...
Dr. Orpheus: I would make Darrin filthy rich, turn Mr. Tate into a donkey, tell Endora to get a life, and blind that nosey Mrs. Kravitz!

Nikki: You remind me so much of him.
Hank: Ya daffy? Dean's just like my old man. I'm the black sheep of the Venture flock! I'm trouble!
Nikki: No, I mean you're like Rusty from the cartoon. Your dad's a scared little has-been, but you are just like the real Rusty Venture. So cool. So fearless and powerful. But trapped in the body of a young man.
Hank: Sounds like you're trying to seduce me. And this old Shamus can smell it when a chippy's pulling a flim-flam. What are you hiding!?
Nikki: Nothing! Well, I guess I'm hiding a huge crush on you.

Dr. Venture: What do you want me to card her? She said she was twenty!

Hank: Guess what? I had sex! Ta daa! What was it like? Okay.. its kinda like naked skydiving into a mountain of warm whip cream! Yes that good!

Hank: This is important. Get your ass to Mars!

Bright Lights, Dean City[edit]

Prof. Impossible: Hot sandwich! You've murdered the Venture boy!.

Brown Widow: Shh, I understand; you can't talk. You need help, just blink twice if he's your pimp.
Dean: No, what? No, he's my dad.

Alternate Dimension Dr. Venture: Keep to your own dimension from now on.
Dr. Venture: Fine. I don't even like your dimension, anyway. It's an asshole dimension. How do you like that?
Alternate Dimension Dr. Venture: Oh, nice potty mouth in front of the boys! Look, you're the Dean of this dimension, right? Explain to the untalented Mr. Ripley here he can't just waltz into my dimension and try to kill me with a rock and replace me just because I happen to have more hair, more money and a hit play on Broadway!

[After the Brown Widow saves Dr. Venture from the runaway cab]
Brown Widow: End of the line, sir. Please remember to take all your personal belongings and be sure to tip your driver. [Chuckle]
Dr. Venture: What, this is funny to you, I just almost got killed. Get the hell outta my way. I’m gonna miss the overture.
Brown Widow: Fucking tourist.

Phantom Limb: Now, gentleman, before we start reviewing potential candidates, you need to keep one thing in mind: SPAWM.
Baron Ünderbheit: That awful comic book!
Prof. Impossible: Oh, and that movie? What was Martin Sheen thinking?
Phantom Limb: Not SPAWN, S-P-A-W-M.

[The Revenge Society are surprised to see Dr. Venture]
Prof. Impossible: Great Scott, what is he doing here?
Phantom Limb: Well you're the one who was eavesdropping.
Prof. Impossible: He mumbled something about industrial espionage, and then he kept taking about "annie get your gun". You think it’s some type of code?
Baron Ünderbheit: He’s on to us!
Phantom Limb: You'er both being paranoid. Don’t you see what this is? Its opportunity knocking at our door. [Looks at Ünderbheit] Who disfigured you for life, and help Girl Hitler steal your throne? [Looks at Impossible] Who seduced your wife, then passed her off to his brother for sloppy seconds? I’ll tell you who. The very same cretin who allied with his own enemies to thwart me at Cremation Creek, and the battle for the ORB. Gentlemen, The Revenge Society just landed itself its first assignment, kill Dr. Venture!
Prof. Impossible: What, like right now?

Assisted Suicide[edit]

Dr. Orpheus: [grabbing Dean and Hank's hands] I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me! [Nothing happens] Please?
Brock: Yeah, I'm not sure you had the right...key?
[Cut to Dr. Orpheus holding Dean's hand and a box]
Dr. Orpheus: I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me! [Still nothing] Nope. Maybe I should...
Shore Leave: Wait. Okay, try it with his old headshot, all the awards, the signed picture of Loni Anderson, all the money, the newspaper clippings, the shoebox of old love letters, but without the Rush cassette.
Brock: [removing the tape] Oh, here's your problem—it's a "best of."
Shore Leave: And there's one more thing we haven't tried, [indicating Dean] and it's nothing personal, but...
Dean: [dejectedly stepping aside] I get it.
Dr. Orpheus: Okay, one more time. I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me!
[Orpheus successfully projects, leaving a still white figure]
Brock: I'm sure it was the Rush cassette, Dean.

Dr. Orpheus: Do you feel that?
Eros: Thank you, yes. And it hurts because I always say nice things about him. But he's always putting me down in front of the other guy...
Dr. Orpheus: No, that rumble. What is that rumble?
Thanatos: [Echo voice] Leviathan. He is why men murder. He is why men made war. The beast within us all. We are doomed.
Eros: Eerie, isn't he?
Thanatos: Oh crap, get outta the way.
[Zombie corpses of Hank & Dean walks by]
Eros: I hate those things. There all over the place in here. They chew on stuff and get poop on everything.
Dr. Orpheus: They are his dead sons, forever haunting his subconscious mind.
Thanatos: [Echo voice] Leviathan draws near. Death is at hand. We cannot outrun the beast.
Eros: He gets that way around death. It's like he's in a Creed video. Why don't we go in one of these doors.
Thanatos: OK. Yeah that's cool.

Dr. Orpheus: I presume you are the Rusty's Ego?
Ego: You got it. And the little guy's Eros, the jerk who made the Rusty join Match.com.
Eros: He's got to at least try to get some loving.
Ego: And the one with the umbrella is Thanatos, the jerk who made the Rusty quit Match.com.
Thanatos: Hey, many of these women could be murderous gold diggers, or, at the very least, carriers of chlamydia.

Hank: Are you okay? Dr. O said probably insane now and that you'll never be the same.
Dr. Venture: Are you kidding? Okay, I'm just turning 16 and having a birthday pool party. My father invites every girl he knows, and I'm not talking about girls my age. No, not Jonas. He invites Playboy Bunnies and models and, I think, actual whores—you know, real prostitutes. So there I am in my giant bathing suit with nervous puberty oozing out of my gigantic pores. Just—just awful. So, the band suddenly stops playing and I hear "and now the man of the hour, Rusty Venture!" All eyes on me, right? Then suddenly, almost predictably, the Action Man shoots my groin with a shrink ray right as that fucking jackass Colonel Gentleman pulls my shorts down.
Hank: Wow. That's like a nightmare.
Dr. Venture: Oh, no! No! What I went through today was "like a nightmare." What happened when I was 16, that is my life.

The Silent Partners[edit]

Pete White: I have a check here for $50,000 for whoever helps me rescue Billy from vampires.
Brock: We're not mercenaries, White. We handle the guys that nobody else wants to deal with.
Pete White: Well, that's perfect, because nobody else wants to deal with me.
Brock: Yeah, you're not getting it. Hunter, why don't you explain what we do here at SPHINX.
Shore Leave: SPHINX!
Col. Gathers: It works like this—if someone points a gun at you, you call the police. If a bunch of guys are pointing guns at you, you call SWAT. If they're in spandex and pointing a super laser at you, you call OSI. And if they're dressed regular and pointing a super laser at your daughter, that's when you call SPHINX.
Shore Leave: SPHINX!
Col. Gathers: So explain to me why we'd give a squirt about your roomie being abducted by vampires.
Pete White: We're talking about Billy here! You guys owe him. You did the...you know.
Col. Gathers: Spit it out, White! This is SPHINX!
Shore Leave: SPHINX.
Col. Gathers: We have no secrets here. When men live and work together, it's imperative that there are no secrets. I miss my breasts! Inside of me, there's a woman screaming to be heard.
Mile High: I hit a dog with my car last week, but told the owner I found him like that.
Brock: I once jerked off twelve times in one day just to see if I could.
SPHINX Agent: I had an erotic dream about Henry Rollins last night, and I'm straight as an arrow.
Shore Leave: Remember that smell I told you was the garbage? That was my ass. I had chicken tandoori for lunch.

Captain: Let's SET SAIL! (long pause)
Brock: Well...what are we waiting for?
Captain: We have to SET the SAIL! Like you guy's have to help me put it up!

Col. Gathers: [regarding the ship] What do you call her?
Captain: I call her Manny's Song.
Brock: Who's Manny?
Captain: Me first love. She left me for a bloke named Craig, who just slept with her and tossed her away. Haven't seen her since then. I heard she was with some go-nowhere mechanic named Jay.
Brock: Sad. Does she know how you feel?
Shore Leave: Um, no, she doesn't because that's all from a TV show. Captain Cuckoo here named his boat after Manny Santos on Degrassi.
Captain: You're a liar!
Shore Leave: I can't believe they killed J.T.
Captain: I know! And they hardly talk about it, like after Terri bashed her skull on that rock.
Shore Leave: Yeah, I'm the liar, me.

Blond Dracula Bride: Where do you want us to bite you?
Master Billy Quizboy: I don't want to be bitten. Can you just do the sucking part and not the biting part?

Pete White: He's not my best friend. I just work with him.
Sgt. Hatred: And live with him and do everything with him. That's best friends.
Pete White: Maybe. But I always thought of Rusty as my best friend.
Sgt. Hatred: What?! You know what, White. You are a starfucker. Yeah, you have the greatest friend in the world, and because he's not famous, you don't care. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Pete White: Rusty and I went to school together. We were inseparable.
Sgt. Hatred: Starfucker.

Operation: P.R.O.M.[edit]

Billy Quizboy: [as Dr. Venture makes a call] Oh, man. This is just wrong, Rusty.
Dr. Venture: Did you have a date to your prom?
Billy Quizboy: I was a boy genius. I was the only 12-year-old at my prom, so my date was my mother.
Dr. Venture: Mine was worse. My prom date was to have been Miss Linda Lovelace.
Billy Quizboy: Deep Throat Linda Lovelace?
Dr. Venture: The same. She, of course, by that time was a vocal anti-pornography advocate—thanks, Dad—and sent her friend Andrea Dworkin as her proxy.
Billy Quizboy: Was she hot?
Dr. Venture: Google "Andrea Dworkin" on an empty stomach one day. [Into phone] Oh, hello? Yes, I'd like six of your finest whores please. Fine, escorts. Yes, I think I'll go for full service. Sure, I'll hold. [To Billy] Anyway, because my dad brought, like, ten Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders as his date, he didn't care that my date was a huge, angry, "way smarter than a 16-year-old me" woman who called me "little half man."
Billy Quizboy: Better than having your mom as your date.
Dr. Venture: It got worse, no shit. I ended up slow-dancing with H.E.L.P.eR. H.E.L.P.eR.

#21: Whoa! Wait, you guys are the ones who kidnapped Monstroso?
Shore Leave: SPHINX!
#21: Aw, the Guild index is lit up over that guy. I can't believe you're holding him here.
Shore Leave: Maybe we are, and maybe we're not.
#21: Being clever?
Shore Leave: No, tough guy, we're running a Monstroso shell game and we're not sure where the red queen is.
#21: Decoys? Aw, man, we never do cool crap like that with the Monarch crew!
Shore Leave: Uh, because you guys suck.

Col. Gathers: What the hell happened here?
Agent Doe: That's none of your concern, Mister Gathers.
Col. Gathers: That's Colonel Gathers to you, suit!
Agent Cardholder: Oh, yeah? Well, in that case, I'm President Cardholder, and this is my associate, Emperor Doe.
Agent Doe: GOD Emperor Doe!

Sgt. Hatred: Oh come on. Do I really have to get blood on my tux?
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Service abandonment. Guild non-assail pact of 1958, paragraph 20, line 17 regarding employer's rights to a deserter
The Monarch: Yeah, here’s all the paperwork. Now step aside.
Sgt. Hatred: I don’t care if you have a note from Santa Claus, you are not getting in.
The Monarch: Ah-ah-ah! I have a little bargaining chip.
[Monarch bring in Princess Tinyfeet tied-up with ball-gag in the mouth]
Sgt. Hatred: Princess Tinyfeet! You untie her this instant.
The Monarch: Ahh, we didn’t tie her up.
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: She’s way, way into the bondage thing. You want her back, you better start respecting her very strange needs.
Sgt. Hatred: My little beige bunny, is this true?
The Monarch: She insisted we drive her here in the trunk. She is a freak.

Dr. Venture: [nuzzling an escort] How about I take you to my boudoir and give you a little Rusty Venture?
[She gets off his lap, slaps him and walks away]
Alchemist: Whoa! Denied! What was that about?
Shore Leave: Boom! Right out of the gate, you ask for a Rusty Venture. That is bold, my friend. Kudos!
Dr. Venture: What? I had chilled bubbly in my room.
Alchemist: Rust, you do realize that a "rusty venture" is when you take your finger and run it around a guy's asshole while you pull the guy off into his own face.
Dr. Venture: What?! My name is a sex act?! When did that happen?!
Shore Leave: Uh, like, in the 80s, and Al is way off. A rusty venture is when you 69 and fill each other's mouths with cum; then you turn over and blow splooge into each other's cracks.
Dr. Venture: Good lord! How can that be named after me?! What does that have to do with me?
Shore Leave: Oh, don't play coy. Your cartoon was huge in the gay community. We used to throw Rusty Venture parties in the Castro, and we'd all wear little striped tops and tight little shorts.
Alchemist: How could you not know this? Man, you're like a little twinkie Cher. A ginger friggin' Liza Minnelli.
Dr. Venture: No. I missed this. I don't 69 guys and do that spinning thing.
Alchemist: That's not a Rusty Venture. That's a Snake Venom.
Shore Leave: You are misinformed, my darling. [Pulls out cell phone] You want to settle this, maybe make a little wager?
Alchemist: Fine. I'll bet you a Rusty Venture I'm right.
Dr. Venture: Stop it!
Shore Leave: You are on. I'm going to call an authority on both subjects.
Col. Gentleman: [answering his phone while doing a model of the USS Indianapolis on his dog's back] Hello? Oh, sure. I am the one who started that craze in P-Town with Tennessee Williams. It's brilliant. What you do is you take a scuba snorkel and you put your cock in the wee bendy mouth part. Then you snake the other end right up your back address, okay? Then you just grab the middle of the snorkel and you're fuckin' your own ass and pulling off your crank at the self-same time, until you're standin' in your own jacksie! That's a Rusty Venture! [His dog runs off] Mischa! Mischa! Bad girl!
Shore Leave: [hanging up] Useless. That was Colonel Gentleman.
Alchemist: And?
Shore Leave: And the out-of-touch old windbag just described a Double Frog Man.
Alchemist: Ugh! Give me your phone.
Watch: [on other end] You? I told you, when your arch is terminated by a third party, it's not our problem! A what? Well, of course I do! It's when you fist a guy and then open up your hand inside his ass and grab—no, he's laying down. Then whatever you come out with, you rub on his dick.
Ward: Wrong! The Rusty Venture is a straight move. Okay, it's when you take a girl out for a huge dinner, but you don't let her go to the can. Then you have anal sex with her and she craps all over your dick; so right when you're about to get off, you take it out and blow shit cum all over her back.
Watch: That's a Rusty Venture?
Ward: No, that's the Rusty part; the Venture part is when you eat that junk off her back without using your hands.
Watch: Are you getting this?
Alchemist: Yeah, I heard it. and you're both wrong. To settle a bet. Yes, with Shore Leave.

Triana: ...and it all just comes pouring out like somebody stepped on a Snack Pack. So after you find the turkey baster, you both eat your way out of the tub. That's what I heard, at least.
Dr. Orpheus: I don't know what goes on at the Outrider's home, but I think I might need to give him a stern what-have-you.

Dean: What does she see in him?
Dermott: Who, her dad!
Dean: No, that Raven kid. Her boyfriend.
Hank: Oh, lets see now. He’s super handsome, I can say that, he’s got cool hair, cool clothes, and worse of all, he’s a cyborg.
Dean: No, I asked, she said that they’re just crutches.
Hank: Oh, even worse, that means he’s a cripster, dude. He’s rocking a hipster angle and a sympathy angle all-in-one. There’s no way you can compete with that.

Col. Gathers: Brando's got us on our bellies and he's reaching for the butter!

Prostitute: I'm gonna give you a Rusty Venture.
Brock: Don't believe the hype. A Rusty Venture is the name for when you jerk off so much, your dick gets all red and sore.
Prostitute: Really?
Brock: Yeah, but I'll...let you give me an Action Johnny.

#21: I'm sick of this! I'm slightly drunk, I'm talking to the ghost of my fucking dead friend, I'm probably in love with you, so...yeah, whatever! I'm over it!
Monarch: You're "over it"?
Dr. Mrs. the Monarch: You're in love with me?
Monarch: Whoa, wait. What?
#21: Yeah, we made out.
Dr. Mrs. the Monarch: Well, that's a stretch. We got drunk, and maybe we kissed...
Monarch: Sure...where was I then?
#21: Where were you? You were there! We were on top of you! [The music stops] We made out on you!
Pete: Fight! There's a fight!
Monarch: So you had a drunken threesome! Join the fucking club! We're villains, you crybaby! We swing! I watched my wife suck Manta Claus's dick and then make him breakfast!
#21: Is that true?
Dr. Mrs. the Monarch: Eggs and buttered toast.
#21: Wh...you guys are nuts! Yeah, great! [Flipping off everybody as he leaves] Fuck you! Fuck this completely crappy fucking excuse for a fucking prom!

Brock: Shore Leave, code red! We got a fox in the hen house and the jumbo eggs are gone!

Brock: I'll take care of this. This has been a long time coming. Me and her got to get something straight between us.
Alchemist: [to Shore Leave as Brock runs after Molotov] You think he even knows how many double entendres that was?

General Treister: I have the pee-pee cancer, and there ain’t a thing on Earth anybody can do to fix me. Son, I'm fixing the shuffle of this mortal coil.
[Treister climbs in a torpedo tube]
Col. Gathers: Wait a minute, what the hell are you doing?
General Treister: DO NOT LET GO OF THAT WHEEL BOY! THEY’RE 2000 SOULS ON-BOARD.
Col. Gathers: What about the OSI? You worked your whole life for this place, General. Now you’re just gonna abandon it?
General Treister: Na. From where I sit, it looks like the ol’ gal is in pretty good hands. Took guts to bust out the nest and go off on your own, son. Took balls to... cut your balls. Even without them your got more true grit man-moxy-on-tap than any of these yes-men and bureaucrats been running the place.
Col. Gathers: No, General, I’m not...
General Treister: I’ll do fine.
Col. Gathers: Do not kill yourself you crazy bastard!
General Treister: Ain’t killing myself son. I said there ain't nothing they can do for me on this Earth. But there is one thing might could cure me, ALIEN TECHNOLOGY.

[Molotov & Monstroso inside the limo hanging off a cliff]
Brock: Well well well, here we are again. How long are we gonna keep doing this Mol, till we’re old and gray, huh? Every year we pretend to try to kill each other. You know neither of us actually do it.
Molotov: Speak for yourself, Samson. [Reaches for her gun]
Brock: [Has the gun] Oh, looking for this?
Molotov: Hmm, we seemed to be, as you say, stalemate.
Brock: Not from where I’m sitting. Ah, give it up Mol. You got nowhere to go but down, and you know why? Because you are a bad person. You don’t know the first thing about duty or honor, or friendship, your just a cold-hearted mercenary BITCH. I’m tired spending my life chasing you.
Molotov: What if I told you it wasn’t for money this time. What if I told you that I've... changed! [Remove her chastity belt]
Brock: What, for real’s, or is this another one of your tricks?
Molotov: No Samson, it is the real thing.
[Brock & Molotov draws close to each other for a kiss but she stops]
Molotov: Nyet!
Brock: What! OH FOR GOD... COME ON, YOU SAID YOU’VE CHANGED!
Molotov: You misunderstand, Samson. I am, how you say, taken.
Brock: What, by who?
[Molotov looks at Monstroso (unconscious) in the backseat]
Brock: HIM! OH, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!
Molotov: It is like you say, “I’m a bad person”, and so is he. He is also rich, powerful and quite well endowed.
Brock: ARGH, alright, enough.

Outrider: You know, a wise man who's either Gurdjieff or Baba Oje once told me, "you can never step into the same river twice."
Dean: That makes no sense, sir.
Outrider: Triana really likes that boy and they're very happy together. And if you truly love her, you should move on and be happy that she's happy. Don't you think?
Dean: You know what I think? Fuck you!

Season 5[edit]

What Color is Your Cleansuit?[edit]

Dean: I've been listening to this stupid learning bed my whole life, and you know what? I haven't learned (bleep)! I could tell you home many taste buds are on the human tongue, but I've never even french kissed a girl!

(Doctor Venture addresses his new interns)
Dr. Venture: You have been chosen because you are the best students in the physics department at your university. You are the best of the best.
Offscreen Intern: I'm majoring in sports medicine!
Dr. Venture: Okay...you've been chosen because I accepted every application.

S.P.H.I.N.X Rising[edit]

(Gary - formerly Henchmen #21 - accidentally breaks up an O.S.I undercover operation.)
Gary: Okay...I wasn't prepared for this, but...freeze! This is SPHINX!
Brock: (from under his costume) Gary!? What are you doing, you idiot?
Shore Leave: (removing his mask) I swear I'm going to reach down your throat, rip out your heart and eat it!
Gary: Shore Leave? You're part of Long Division?
Shore Leave: Yeah, that's it. Brilliant conclusion...
Brock: We're undercover, moron. We were undercover...
Shore Leave: We've been wearing these smelly-ass sweat-soaked masks for a week for nothing.
Brock: Nice move, Chubs. The kid's dead. So's Tom.
Shore Leave: You killed an eight-year-old boy with the corpse of the only person who knew where Long Division's secret base was. Argh! That's so raven!
Brock: Gary, you better shoot me or somethin', 'cause I'm about to kill you.
Gary: I was being a good guy! And you left me S.P.H.I.N.X! What did you expect me to do?
Shore Leave: Honestly, use the hot tub a couple of times. Not run around like a lone wolf fighting crime. That WE are already fighting!
Brock: (taking a crossbow away from Gary) This my crossbow?
Gary: Aw, c'mon! It makes me feel like a wookie.
Brock: No. This is my crossbow.

(Sgt. Hatred sits in the bushes with a rifle. The Monarch's cocoon is in his sights when Gary approaches.)
Sgt. Hatred: Well, look who's coming to save me! It's the entire S.P.H.I.N.X. organization!
Gary: Hey, I'm recruiting now, Grandpa. So bite me.
Sgt. Hatred: Whip the little guy out. I'll go get Doc's microscope.
Gary: I have got a Shai-Hulud down there! There's a damn Paul-Muad'Dib riding this worm, my friend.

(Sgt Hatred and Gary have disabled The Monarch's flying cocoon.)
Gary: Okay, now he's in a panic. He's gonna have to do something, or he'll look like a total douche. So here's where he makes the incredibly stupid decision to...
(Cut to the Monarch...)
Monarch: JETTISON THE LUNCH ROOM!
(The cocoon opens, dropping the contents of the lunch room on the Venture's lawn.)
Sgt. Hatred: What is that? Patio furniture?
Gary: That is the lunch room.
Sgt. Hatred: There's some metal casings out there. Could be explosives...
Gary: Chafing dishes. It's Wednesday, right?
Sgt. Hatred: Yeah.
Gary: Then they're filled with buffalo wings. And we should totally collect the ones without dirt and lawn chunks on them, 'cause they are awesome! They're really tangy!

Spanakopita![edit]

(Doctor Venture talks about the Spanakopita festival...)
Dr. Venture: Spanakopita!
Billy Quizboy: The Greek spinach pastry?
Dr. Venture: The Greek festival. Three days of fun in the sun on the most secluded island in Greece - Spanakos! I first discovered it's sultry pleasures as a young boy. You might say I had my first solo adventure there!
Pete White: Ew! Is that a euphemism?
Dr. Venture: Get your mind out of the gutter, White.

(Billy Quizboy is excited to join the Ventures on their trip to Greece. White, however, is reluctant.)
Pete White: "Fun in the sun?" "Sparkling seas?" Do I have to spell it out for you people? I am an albino! This isn't a fashion choice! My body literally hates the sun. On, like, a molecular level!

Pete White: Hey... he's got a Bubo!
Augustus Saint Cloud: (smugly) THE Bubo. Harryhausen is a friend..."

(Dr. Venture drinks, dances and laughs heartily as Billy Quizboy and Pete White look on.)
Pete White: You know, I've known Rusty for like twenty years, and I've never seen him like this.
Billy Quizboy: What, happy? I know! It's kinda creepy...


Specials[edit]

A Very Venture Christmas[edit]

Dr. Venture throws a Christmas party for many of his friends, but the party goes awry when Dean and Hank find Dr. Orpheus's spell book. Meanwhile, the Monarch has hatched yet another plan to kill Dr. Venture, this time involving a nativity scene booby-trapped with C4 explosive.


The Monarch: Phew. We almost lost one of our agents. Granted his specialty is pretty limited, but he's an irreplaceable element of my sexy new plan to destroy Dr. Venture!
Dr. Girlfriend: What plan?
The Monarch: Oh... well. It was supposed to be a surprise. For you. For Christmas.
Dr. Girlfriend: Killing your arch-enemy on Christmas Eve, that's a gift for me?
The Monarch: Well, I got you some stocking stuffers too...
Dr. Girlfriend: Unbelievable! The selfishness!
The Monarch: Well you hate him too! Or were you just lying on our first date!?
Dr. Girlfriend: (groan) So, what's the big plan?
The Monarch: Hah! I'm glad you asked! Behold!! (a scale model of the Venture Compound rises from the ground) Tiny Joseph has managed to slip into the Venture Compound and cleverly booby-trap it. At the strike of midnight, Dr. Venture will place his precious porcelain baby Christ in its manger, oh, and when he does, it will set off a series of explosions that will deck his halls with bowels of Venture!
Dr. Girlfriend: (sighs)
The Monarch: What?
Dr. Girlfriend: That model was supposed to be a surprise.
The Monarch: (sheepishly)...I peeked.

Dr. Venture: Spirit, tell me, is this my grave?
Brock: (removing his hood) What's it look like, genius?

(Brock and Dr. Venture are discussing gifts for the boys)
Brock: Well, Hank's covered but I'm having trouble with Dean, he's a little--
Dr. Venture: More effeminate?
Brock: (concerned) --tougher to shop for!

Dean: (in Dr. Venture's dream as a Jack-in-the-Box) Why didn't he wish me a merry Christmas? Nobody wants a Dean-in-the-Box!

Hank: Oops, baby Jesus is out of the manger!
Brock: Wha? (quickly checks his pants zipper)

Master Billy Quizboy: Hold the phone. Total babe alert, twelve o'clock.
Pete White: Oh yeah, I know her type. Watch and learn, Wilhelmina.
Billy: Okay, one: you're totally gay. Two: she's hot, and you're an albino. And three: you're totally gay.

Triana Orpheus: Dad, I can take care of myself, you know.
Byron Orpheus: I'm sorry, pumpkin. I trust you to defend your honor. It's just that... MY PUMPKIN'S MAIDENHEAD IS NOT A PRIZE TO BE...
Triana Orpheus: DAD!

Dr. Venture: Ooh, Orpheus. I wasn't expecting you to show up. Didn't think necromancers believed in Christmas.
Dr. Orpheus: Well, the whole affair is about as real as Kwanzaa, or uh, the Wookiees' Life Day, but I find it charming.

Hank (to Dean): That gay albino is hitting on your not girlfriend.

Doctor Venture (after the Krampus licks Triana's face): What kind of kinky christmas spirit is that?!
Doctor Orpheus: It is Germanic in origin.

Dr. Venture: That's ridiculous! There's no such thing as Santa Claus!
Dr. Orpheus: Not since he was killed by a jet in 1963, no. Nor has there been a Krampus since the pope cast him into purgatory during Vatican II. But your boys seem to have inadvertently released him from his chains.
Hank: Dean did it! I wanted to read the Grinch!

[The Krampus is sodomizing Dr. Venture]
Dr. Venture: Brock! Come in Brock!
Brock: Hey, Fancy-Pants...I've been naughty. [tackles the Krampus] Comin' in MY HOUSE, ON CHRISTMAS! YOU WANT SOME OF THIS, YOU CHRISTMAS PIECE OF SHIT?!

(after crashing in Bethlehem)
Dr. Venture: So what do we do here, Brock?
Brock: Well, that all depends. If the Israelis get here first then we might have a chance, I know some guys in the Mossad. If the PLO shows up, well, my Arabic's a little shaky.
Dr. Venture: Are you kidding? Did you forget? This baby [the X-1] runs on pure plutonium, they're gonna love us!
Dean: And after all, that's what Christmas is all about!

From the Ladle to the Grave: The Story of Shallow Gravy[edit]

[Separate interviews]
Dermott: I never found my father, but I found my brother...in rock! The world will know the names Hank Venture and Dermot Fictel.
Dr. Venture: Wait, Fictel? And...and he's...seven...seventeen. No, no...I...this interview is over!

A Very Venture Halloween[edit]

Alchemist: I am so glad we're having a party!
Dr. Orpheus: This is not a party, Al. We are charged with the honor of hosting the 331st meeting of the Brimstone Assembly!
Alchemist: Uh-huh, sure. So, where do you want me to assemble the chips and dip?
Dr. Orpheus: Oh, by my mini fajitas, I think would be nice, or with the cheeses, as they are more of an appetizer.
Jefferson: [painting on the floor] So, then a star goes in the circle?
Dr. Orpheus: Jefferson, this isn't The Craft.
Alchemist: Well, if it was, I'd be Fairuza Balk, and you'd be Rachel True.
Jefferson: Which one is she?
Alchemist: Mmm, guess.
Dr. Orpheus: We are not The Craft, and we don't put a star in the center. We have a square representing perfection inside a circle representing unity inside a triangle representing simplicity.
Jefferson: Simplicity would be a star in the middle. This right here is confusing. Somebody else do this.

Ben: Dean, calm down, will ya? You're taking this all wrong.
Dean: Wrong?! You're telling me I'm a clone! That I'm not even Dean, that I'm some stupid science experiment! How do you want me to take it?!
Ben: No, come on. No, no, no. You're Dean, there's no other Dean. You're it, flesh and blood. Look, I was conceived in the backseat of a Packard. You were conceived in a tank. So what?
Dean: So I have no mommy, no nothing?!
Ben: Dean, you have it all wrong. You have a mommy, and your dad is your dad. They made you by getting drunk and forgetting to wear a condom, like everybody else. And your dad loved you so much that when you got a boo-boo, he kissed it and made it better and made it go away.
Dean: You brought me back to life!
Ben: Yeah, okay. Well, you and your brother had some pretty big boo-boos.
Dean: I'm freaking Frankenstein...I mean, Frankenstein's monster...whatever. You can't play God!
Ben: Will you knock it off? We didn't make you from a lotus flower, Dean. We made you from you.
Dean: It's just...it's just so wrong!
Ben: Have a kid one day, Dean. Hold its lifeless body in your arms, and then tell me how wrong it is. Your grandpap and I perfected genetic engineering because God or whatever gave us a perfect map to do so. Jonas, me, and, yes, your dad saw it as nothing more than a fucking Band-Aid for a really big boo-boo. Hey, you...you want a beer?
Dean: I think I do.
Ben: Don't tell your dad.

Dr. Orpheus: Halloween is the night we discover who we are. Are we people who make zombie armies? Are we those who condemn others? Or are we beautiful children in resplendent costumes collecting candy? Are our choices in costumes provocative? Do we dress up as our ideal self, or are we not ready to decide what to be? Do you see it now? We use this one enchanted night to perform the greatest feat of magic there is. We become ourselves. Halloween is the true magic. It is the night we discover who we really are.

Hank: So what happened in the Potter house?
Dean: I...learned something.
Hank: Something scary?
Dean: Well...
Hank: What?
Dean: I guess...I learned that...beer tastes like pee-pee.
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