Gilmore Girls/Season 4

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Gilmore Girls (2000–2007) is a dramatic television show, created by Amy Sherman-Palladino, centering around the relationship between a single mother and her daughter in a small Connecticut town.

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Contents


[edit] Season 4

[edit] Ballrooms and Biscotti

Lorelai: It's a boy! Oh, I know nothing about little boys!
Sookie: Me neither.


Lorelai: So are you going to name him Lorelai?
Sookie: Absolutely, that wouldn't be confusing at all...
Rory: I may have given [Babette] an itinerary, but you're the one who got us busted for drug smuggling.
Lorelai: ... Reality has absolutely no place in our world!
Rory: Who are the rosary beads for?
Lorelai: They're mine
Rory: What do you need rosary beads for?
Lorelai: They're cute.
Rory: They're for prayer.
Lorelai: Well, pray they match my blue suit.
Rory: They've just upgraded you to a queen-size bed, jacuzzi tub, junior suite in hell.

[about getting luke a fake gift from europe]

Rory: What? This is Stars Hollow, everything has a Hello Kitty stamp on the bottom.
Jackson: Come on, we can be in that waiting room together, pacing, waiting, we'll get you a nice suit.
Rory: Okay, I'm on Jackson's side
Jackson: Welcome to 1955
Sookie: Well I'm going to go take Lorelai outside
Rory:... So did you hear about that whole Sputnik thing?
Jackson: Oh, Eisenhower's on top of it...
Lorelai: Come on, Rory. We will be going to dinner there next week and every week for the rest of our lives. And I mean the rest of our lives, because my parents will outlive us. The damned can do that.
Luke: Look at you. All you need is six dancing penguins and Mary Poppins floating in the corner to bring back two of the worst hours of my childhood.
Taylor: I don't think you had a childhood. I think you came out a bitter, surly killjoy.

[about Luke and Nicole's cruise]

Lorelai: And she's pregnant, oh my god, you finally reproduced.
Rory: This is Iran in '79, and you are Jimmy Carter, what do we do?
Lorelai: First, we get rid of the Jimmy Carter reference.

[edit] The Lorelais' First Day At Yale

Lorelai: This is a misogynistic truck.
Luke: What?
Lorelai: It's anti-woman, it's gender-selective, it's "Oh, let's drink a beer and watch the game and hike our shorts up."
Lorelai: Well, I can't take it back to Yale.
Luke: I'm not storing your microbe mattress, forget it.
Lorelai: Well, then I'm stuck here.
Luke: Fine, because I need my truck back.
Lorelai: Fine, but that leaves you with the mattress.
Luke: I'm not taking the mattress.
Lorelai: Then let me take the truck.
Luke: But that means you take the mattress.
Lorelai: I can't take the mattress.
Luke: Then you can't have the truck.
Lorelai: But that sticks you with the mattress.
Luke: If you take the truck, it comes with the mattress.
Lorelai: I can't take the mattress.
Luke: Then you can't have the truck.
Lorelai: And that sticks you with the mattress.
Luke: We've been here before.
Lorelai: I recognize that tree.
Lorelai: Copperboom!
Rory: What?
Lorelai: What you said to me this morniing when you were trying to speed me up.
Rory: But you missed a bunch of stuff inbetween.
Lorelai: I think it's catchy. Go, go, unpack.
Rory: Copperboom.
Lorelai: Copperboom!
Rory: You never socialized me properly, I should hate you right now. Do something to make me hate you.
Lorelai: Um...go Hitler!
Tana: I'm not so great at extemporaneous speaking so I memorize quick facts that I can whip out at a moment's notice. When I get to know you, I'll memorize some facts specific to your personality.
Russell: I'm Russell Bynes. I'm with Blodgett, Sage, Albet, Pettruccio, Stein, Lemming, and Stein, attorneys for Nicole Diana Leahy.
Luke: And the sun just went down, thanks for coming.
Russell: Pardon me?
Luke: You're wasting your time. I had a simple question, where do I sign? It didn't require a personal visit.
Russell: Whoa, whoa, there's no place to sign because this is just a document informing the defendant of the type of action being filed.
Luke: What are you talking about? Who's the defendant?
Russell: You are.
Luke: Oh my God.
Russell: Didn't you read the papers?
Luke: Yeah, the Red Sox lost by three, Bush is at the ranch chatting up a Swiss dude.
Russell: The divorce papers.
Luke: I know what you meant. Look, I didn't kill anyone. Nicole and I just kind of accidentally got married and now we want out. We both want the same thing.
Russell: Don't try to play me, Mr. Danes.
Luke: I'm too busy for this.
Russell: Fine, because I should just be dealing with your legal representation.
Luke: I don't believe this.
Russell: Not giving us your lawyer's information is only going to prolong the process.
Luke: Okay, if I give you my lawyer's name, will you leave?
Russell: I will leave.
Luke: Okay, you ready?
Russell: Yes.
Luke: His name is Don Dewey. He works at the firm of Dewey. . .
Russell: Dewey.
Luke: Cheatham...
Russell: Cheatham.
Luke: And Howe.
Russell: Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe. That was very immature.
Luke: Yeah, well, tickled me.
Russell: My bosses are gonna wanna hear this.
Luke: Oh, come on, they've heard that one before. Oh, hey, if you want Don's number, it's 555-5555.
Mr. Stein 1: Mr. Danes, a marriage contract is a contract just like any other.
Mr. Stein 2: As the higher wage earner, Nicole wants a fair settlement.
Luke: But I want nothing from her, so there's nothing to settle, Mr. . . what's your name again?
Mr. Stein 1: My name is Stein.
Luke: I thought you were Stein.
Mr. Stein 2: I'm Stein as well.
Luke: Well, then I'm confused.
Mr. Blodgett: Mr. Danes, I'm an impatient man, I'm a busy man, I'm a sensible man, I'm a skeptical man.
Luke: Oh, you're four different men, huh? Well, are they all named Stein, too?
Mr. Blodgett: If there's one thing I've learned in this business, it's that no one wants nothing.
Mr. Stein 2: Why won't you hire a lawyer?
Luke: Why? Because lawyers waste time and money. They're needless middlemen who slither into people's lives when they're at their most vulnerable so they can clamp on and suck like leeches until everyone but them is distraught and penniless.
Mr. Stein 1: Well, I can see why the marriage went bad.
Mr. Blodgett: Here's fair warning, Mr. Danes - if you don't hire a lawyer, you could wind up getting absolutely nothing.
Luke: That's what I want!
Luke: They're gonna multiply like the matrix.
Lorelai: Oh, well. . .
Mr. Blodgett: Who's this?
Luke: This is Lorelai.
Mr. Stein 1: Are you an attorney?
Luke: No, she's carbon-based.
Luke: Mr. Blodgett, Steins one and two, there you go.
Mr. Stein 1: Your choice of character witness does nothing to allay our concerns.
Lorelai: Sorry. [goes back to the counter]
Mr. Blodgett: The bottom line, time. If we do not receive a response in this matter, we're just going to have to kick this up a notch.
Luke: Okay, there is something I want, but I've been holding back.
Mr. Blodgett: As we suspected.
Mr. Stein 2: Let's hear it.
Luke: Okay, you know Nicole and I went on a cruise, right?
Mr. Stein 2: Oh boy.
Mr. Stein 1: Oh yeah.
Luke: Well, the first night on the boat we, uh, went to see an act that everyone was raving about. We go in, sit down, they close the door. Turned out to be a guy playing musical drinking glasses. You know, with the half-filled cups that give off different tones. He played Mozart, and I swear I could hear Mozart banging on his coffin. Out of politeness, we stayed, and there went an hour of our lives. Next night, the sign in front of the theater said the entertainment for the night was a guy singing the songs of Sinatra. We verified with the guy at the door, the songs of Frank Sinatra, right? Not Tina, not Frank Jr., not Bill Sinatra, but Ol' Blue Eyes. "Yes," he says. "It's like Frank come to life." We go in, sit down, they close the door. Then they announce that the guy singing Sinatra is sick and the glass-playing guy is filling in. Out he comes, there's goes another hour. Next night, we meet a nice couple while walking the Lido Deck. Had some nice conversation, so we have dinner with them. Everything's going great. Then they invite us to go somewhere afterwards. Guess where they took us. That's right, to see the glass guy. Three night in a row, Three hours total. Well that's what I want. I want three hours back!
Mr. Blodgett: We'll have to confer on this.
Mr. Stein 1: Maybe do a productivity study.
Luke: Yeah, get Blobb, Fromm and Pinnuccio in there, too.
Lorelai: We should dance and sing a Motown song into our hairbrushes.

[edit] The Hobbit, The Sofa and Digger Stiles

Lorelai: My mother — she was here. I can feel it. Smell that? The room smells like guilt and Chanel No. 5.
Rory: It's shopping week.
Lorelai: Isn't it always?
Rory: The first week of school is called shopping week. You get to try out as many classes as you want before you pick the ones you want to stick with for the semester. I picked over fifty classes I'm gonna try out, plus another ten I'm gonna squeeze in if I have the time. They all sound completely amazing. I stayed up all night reading the class subscriptions over and over.
Lorelai: You do know that if you weren't so pretty, you would've gotten the crap kicked out of you every day of your life.
Rory: Her name's Janet.
Lorelai: What's she like?
Rory: She jogs.
Lorelai: Enough said.
Lorelai: They burnt my fries, forgot to give me an extra side of barbecue sauce, the jeep is making that crunchy sound again, and I have to spend my evening making elf ears for Aaron Thompson's Lord of the Rings party.
Rory: Grandma broke into my dorm and redid the entire common room in $25,000 worth of furniture and stereo equipment.
Lorelai: You win.
Lorelai: Well, you could come out and say, "Grandma, this furniture is very nice. I appreciate the gesture, but this is a dorm room, and I cannot guarantee that the other people will love it as much as I do, and I worry about expensive equipment getting stolen, and it's just maybe too much right now."
Rory: That sounds good.
Lorelai: Okay. And then my mother will say, "Rory, your grandfather and I are paying for you to go to Yale. We are enabling you to have this rarefied education, and you're being ungrateful and small-minded, and I resent it. I am hurt on a level you will not be able to understand until you yourself have a daughter or a granddaughter who will cut your heart out the way you've just cut mine out, and I hope that small veneer of independence that you've extracted from this incident is worth the complete and total alienation of the grandparents who have done nothing but love you and thought of you only."
Rory: Or I could keep the furniture.
Lorelai: And take heart in knowing that when it comes to controlling a person, my mother targeted my soul, my independence, and my entire future, and at least with you, she threw in an ottoman.
Lorelai: In the movie, only boy hobbits travel to Mount Doom, but that's only because the girls went to do something even more dangerous.
Girl: What?
Lorelai: Have you ever heard of a Brazilian bikini wax?
Girl: So girls go on adventures, too?
Lorelai: And they go in heels.
Sookie: A child is not a duvet cover. You can't just take it back if it doesn't like you.
Lorelai: Luckily, duvet covers notoriously like whoever they go home with. They're like golden retrievers.
Sookie: You know what happens when kids don't like you? They tie you to a chair. They brain you with a bat. They set fire to the house and blame it on the neighbors.
Lorelai: Wow, now you can't have kids or live next door to them.
Sookie: You know at family gatherings when everyone goes into the living room, gathers around, watches the kids? I read. Jackson's sister has a little girl, six years old. She likes to get up in front of the family after dinner and sing Mariah Carey songs. I heckle. I have no desire to play with them. Easter egg hunts bore me. I have never borrowed the neighbor's kid to look after for the afternoon.
Lorelai: Good. That's called kidnapping.
Sookie: I should not be a parent.
Lorelai: Sookie. Look at me. There are many people in this world who should not have been parents. Mr. and Mrs. Hitler for example. The Bin Ladens could have watched TV that night. Richard and Emily might have taken a pass at procreating. But... you. No way. You're going to be a great parent.
Rory: Janet's out jogging so I don't know what she thinks, but I have to hope she's pleased 'cause that girl's in shape and can kick my butt.
Lorelai: Well, just make sure there's something she likes on the TV when she gets home. Something soothing to runners - maybe something that goes in a circle over and over.
Lane: Well, I wore a bracelet to school today. My parents were called. There was a special service in chapel, and I've been ordered to a soul-searching seminar next week. I'll be sitting between the nail-polish-wearing girl and the spicy condiment user.

[edit] Chicken or Beef

Kyle: I'm in the Navy now, you know. My older cousins did two-year stints. It paid for their college and stuff, so I joined up. Of course, we weren't fighting international skirmishes on two or three dangerous fronts like we are now…
Lorelai: And apparently, now that I'm the pretty spinster living all alone, he's concerned for my safety.
Rory: Did he tell you all this?
Lorelai: Do you think I labeled myself the pretty spinster?
Zach: Dave is dead to me. Comprendo? Dead. Cover the mirror, rip a shirt, that guy doesn't exist.
Brian: He just went to college, Zach.
Zach: No, he did not just go to college. He walked out on his art, man. He walked out on his sound. Do you think a sound is so easy to find? Did you ever see that Glenn Miller movie? For two hours, Jimmy Stewart's walking around, "I gotta find a sound. I gotta find a sound." Well, we had a sound and Dave took that sound to freaking California. You don't come back from California, man. It changes you.
Sookie: You called me! You kept me on the phone for over an hour. I missed the beginning of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and by the time I got back, they were all gay.
Lorelai: So, he invited us to his wedding.
Rory: And we're having beef.
Lorelai: Well, what was his body language like?
Rory: Tall.
Lorelai: Remember in The Godfather, Michael telling Sonny how he was gonna kill Tattaglia and Captain McCluskey in that Italian restaurant? He lays out the whole thing very calmly, very unemotionally, 'cause that's what you do in business.
Rory: Yeah, but then he went and shot two guys in the head.
Lorelai: It's dirty, that's what business is. It's smoke-filled back rooms with exposed pipes and shady players chewing on fat cigars and twirling their dirty mustaches. And when you go into those rooms, you can't be a milquetoast muppet. You have to have pointy teeth and jaws that snap. The meek shall not inherit the earth!
Kirk: My family tree dates back to a 12th-century knight.
Lorelai: Wow.
Kirk: As a kid, I thought that meant we were related to Ted Knight. I wrote him a lot of letters. He never responded.
Rory: Oh my god! This is increadble. I mean its called Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate, but it is seriously Chocolate Chocolate Chocolaty. (Lorelai points to Taylor) Sorry.

[edit] The Fundamental Things Apply

Luke: I'm just having a bad day.
Lorelai: Zzz.
Luke: What?
Lorelai: Days. You've been stomping around, barking at people for days.
Luke: I have not.
Lorelai: Yes, Cujo, you have.
Luke: I always talk to people like that.
Lorelai: No, Benji, you don't.
Luke: I'll be fine tomorrow.
Lorelai: Really, Lassie? Why is that?
Emily: I just found out that Sookie was pregnant!
Lorelai: Don't look at me, I had nothing to do with it.
Babette: Oh, and just you wait 'til spring. You're gonna wake up one morning, walk out, and pow - color coming out of your yin-yang! I'll see you girls tomorrow. [goes into her house]
Lorelai: I'm going to have color coming out of my yin-yang.
Rory: Good then, finally you'll be able to keep a man.
Paris: You know, she talks to herself when she stretches. "Come on, Janet. Push it, Janet. Love the pain, Janet." It's pornographic
Rory: I don't know. He. . .he carries a bottle of water around with him all the time. That's just weird.
Lorelai: Right. Hydration. Very creepy.
Emily: It's bad enough that you haven't taught your daughter how to interact with the opposite sex. You will not dress her up in one of your Sex and the City ensembles and send her out to tell the entire campus, "Don't worry. I'll ask you."
Lorelai: How do you know about Sex and the City?
Luke: Oh, well. . .Tom called. The banister on the stairs has to be replaced. It'll be $4,000. Tamsin Cordally called. He needs a deposit on the quartersawn oak. It'll be $4,000. Julio the landscaper called. I have no idea what he said, but it's going to be $4,000. Vicki from Vicki's Horse Supply called. She thinks Pepper and Gunsmoke would suit your needs, but Gunsmoke snores, so the stables can't be too close to the guests' bedrooms. Rory's looking for her black Converse, and, oh, one last thing - I'm not taking messages for you anymore!
Luke: What's that?
Lorelai: Okay, um. . .A, um, no talking during the movie, and B, don't tell me you've never seen the FBI warning before.
Luke: It's new to me.
Lorelai: Oh, my God. You're beyond monk. You're uber-monk.
Luke: Just start it up. I won't talk again.
Lorelai: Okay, just one more warning - when they showed the first motion picture over a hundred years ago, it featured a train rushing toward the camera, and, um, people were so sure the train was going to burst off the screen and crush them that they ran away in terror. Now, Luke, the train is not going to leave the screen.

[edit] An Affair to Remember

Kirk: Say I was Tom Cruise, where would you seat me?
Luke: In an acting class.
Luke: I don't have time to kill you right now, Kirk. Come back in a couple of hours.
Emily: Flying, thumping balls all over the place.
Lorelai: Flying, thumping what all over the place?
Emily: Balls.
[Lorelai giggles]
Emily: You are four.
Lorelai: And balls are funny.
Lorelai: You know why she pays so much? So she can torture you and you won't throw knives at her.
Sookie: We did it, we got the job! What a score! We landed a whale.
Lorelai: Yeah, we always had the job, Sookie. The whale was just toying with us. She was swatting us with her tail and hosing us down with her blowhole because that is the whale's M.O. - humiliate and rip apart every other fish in the sea until there's nothing left but a bloody pile of chum.
Sookie: Boy, you really hate whales, don't you?
Lorelai: Cheeseburger, onion rings, and a list of people who killed their parents and got away with it. I'm looking for heroes.
Lorelai: Mom?
Emily: Were you asleep?
Lorelai: Uh... no.
Emily: Then why are you in your pajamas?
Lorelai: These aren't pajamas...
Emily: You wear that in public??
Lorelai: ... Hi mom, would you like to come in?
Emily: You have the word "juicy" on your rear end!
Lorelai: Well, if I'd known you were coming over I would have changed.
Emily: Into what? A brassiere with the word "tasty" on it?
Lorelai: Okay, small talk over. I want you to know something - you can't just waltz into people's lives and take over.
Jason: I don't waltz at all. It's embarrassing and a little gay.

[edit] The Festival of Living Art

Taylor: "The Last Supper" cannot be funky.
Miss Patty: Yeah, Taylor, you finally did something right. [Taylor looks annoyed/angry] Your beard is so sexy.
Taylor: I will be managing the event and emceeing. Uh, Miss Patty, you will be stage-managing. Uh, Lorelai, if you could help organize the costumes?
Lorelai: I'm here for you and your sexy beard, Taylor.
Rory: Well, if they want an Anthea for "Portrait of a Young Girl Named Anthea," then they're going to have to have you for the Renoir.

[The band is talking about Dave Rigalski's new replacement, Gil]

Zach: Right here. [points to his eyes] He's got some lines. That blows my mind.
Brian: What is he, late thirties?
Zach: Approaching forty.
Lane: Forty?
Brian: He was alive before man walked on the moon.
Zach: Don't do that, man. You're freaking me out.
Lane: Let's not be over-dramatic, guys. I mean, he is an incredible guitarist.
Zach: He's had a lot of time to practice.
Brian: And the bicentennial - he was alive for that.
Lane: This is the best we've sounded since Dave, and he's really...
Zach: Elderly.
Lane: Excited.
Brian: He was our age when we were born.
Lane: He thinks we're great.
Brian: There were no CDs when he was born.
Zach: Stop it, man. I mean it.
Lane: Maybe there's a way to offset his oldness. Put a hat on him. Dress him up like Angus Young in AC/DC - that schoolboy outfit.
Brian: He could have seen AC/DC with their original lead singer.
Zach: And 1980 is when that guy choked on his own vomit. That's old.
Lane: You want to stop the audition?
Brian: We shouldn't be rude.
Lane: Good.
Zach: Fine, we'll keep going, but remember, any new member has to be approved by all of us. So one vote against, and he's back at bingo.
Zach: Bottom line: Dude rocks, but dude's too old.

[edit] Die, Jerk

Lorelai: There he is. Oh. Oh, widdle Davey, widdle Davey, peekaboo, peekaboo. Oh, you have a widdle nose. Oh, oh, no, Aunt Lorelai's got your nose. Do you want it back? Do you? Do you?
Sookie: He's not indicating that he wants it back.
Lorelai: So, Davey, beautiful day, huh? What would you like to discuss? Middle East peace, the space program? I'm sorry, what's that? Oh, my God. He said, "the answer to the problems in the mideast is, 'I have to poop.'"
Sookie: He got distracted.
Rory: More broccoli, Grandpa?
Richard: Absolutely. Staves off the cancer.
Lorelai: Staves off my appetite.
Emily: You really should eat more green things, Lorelai.
Lorelai: I plan to eat a five-dollar bill later tonight.
Rory: Oh, have you seen the new twenties? They have a little peach color in 'em.
Lorelai: Peach, perfect. I'll eat a new twenty, I'll have my fruits and vegetables.
Lane: Remember when I was a kid, my mother showed me the special jug that's been passed down in my family for years and years in a long-standing Kim tradition that she is personally going to present to the boy I'm going to wed?
Rory: Oh, my God. The marriage jug?
Lane: The marriage jug.
Rory: She's sending Dave the marriage jug? What does that mean?
Lane: I'm guessing it means she's reserving a hall and ordering that "Stations of the Cross" ice sculpture.
Lorelai: No, and I was the very picture of awkwardness, and basically, I just fled. And when I saw Luke later, we got into a fight about it, and I told him his coffee pots were stupid.
Rory: So it was very sophisticated.
Lorelai: Hi, hon. Jason, this is my daughter, Rory. Rory, Jason.
Rory: Right, Scooper.
Lorelai: Digger.
Rory: Sorry. Digger.
Jason: It's nice to meet you. And I don't really go by Digger anymore.
Lorelai: What is it, P. Digger now?
Lorelai: Twenty-three is old. It's almost twenty-five, which is, like, almost mid-twenties.
Rory: She did not say that.
Lorelai: She did say that.
Rory: It seems a little wrong that Jessica Simpson is alive and well and Roy got eaten by his tiger.


[edit] Ted Koppel's Big Night Out

[Rory notices Luke's new waiter.]
Rory: Oh, my god.
Lorelai: What?
Rory: He hired Brennon Lewis.
Lorelai: And?
Rory: Ew!
Lorelai: He doesn't look that bad.
Rory: He's the boy who dissected a frog, did not wash his hands, and then ate a sandwich.
Lorelai: Ew!
Rory: He's like the lost Farrelly brother. He's so stupid. He watched The Breakfast Club and decided to tape his own butt cheeks together.
Jason: Ok, see, a better man, a smarter man, a different man would take into account the fact that flowers, candy, and numerous phone calls have gone completely unnoticed by you. Those men would get a clue, have some pride, grow a pair and move on. Oh well. Lorelai Gilmore, daughter of Richard and Emily, mother of Rory, and friend to all, would you join me for dinner on Saturday night? Please call me back, because I will some day find my pathetic threshold and stop trying.


Richard: I like that boy.
Lorelai: Prove it. Drop your pants!
Richard: This roommate of mine in sophomore year - we absolutely hated him. He was, in addition to being a complete nincompoop, rather a chubby lad. So one night, we tied him in between two mattresses and threw him out the window.
Rory: What?
Paris: I'm writing that one down.
Rory: Was he okay?
Richard: Oh, he was fine. He went to sleep. He woke up in the morning and picked up right where he left off.
Rory: Man.
Richard: We wound up throwing him out the window every night for a month, and then he transferred.
Rory: Well, do you think you guys tossing him out the window on a regular basis had something to do with that decision?
Lorelai: Right, right. Football?
Emily: Lorelai.
Lorelai: Why does the question "Football?" get a "Lorelai"?
Lorelai: I think I forgot to put on underwear. Can you check? [pause] Did I just ask you to check if I put on underwear?
Rory: Yes.
Lorelai: I hate football.
Lorelai: Oh, wait, are you Pennilyn Lott, my dad's college sweetheart?
Pennilyn: Yes.
Lorelai: You're my almost-mommy.
Pennilyn: Well, I suppose you could put it that way.
Lorelai: I'm so glad to finally meet you. Let me ask you something - would you have let me get a pony?
Lorelai: Where are you going?
Jason: Just watch my Sno Balls, please.
Lorelai: Not on the first date, mister.

[edit] The Nanny and the Professor

Lorelai: Marzipan's not candy! It's a substance unto itself, like Velveeta or plutonium.
Doyle: What is this?
Rory: Strawberry ice cream.
Doyle: It has strawberries in it.
Rory: I don't even know how to respond to that.
Rory: Yes, what about that? This guy's risking everything - his job, his reputation.
Lorelai: Yes, well. . .he'll always have Paris.
Rory: How long have you been waiting with that one?
Lorelai: I just had a feeling the opportunity would present itself eventually.
Rory: Maybe it's a phase. It'll pass.
Lorelai: Oh, yeah, or he will.
Rory: No, I don't wanna know where you were, and I don't wanna know what you were doing or who you were doing it with. I had to cover for you when Doyle noticed that you were gone, so I told him that you were at a family thing, and as far as I'm concerned, that's where you were - at your family thing. And in the future, I want nothing to do with anything to do with what you were doing tonight or who you were doing it with, especially who! Now, go to sleep.
Paris: I smell like pipe tobacco.
Rory: Oh, jeez.
Lorelai: Um, listen, we should talk about what we're gonna do.
Jason: About what?
Lorelai: I mean, you know, what we're gonna, uh, say to people about us.
Jason: Hm, how about "yahoo"?
Lorelai: No, I'm talking about what we're gonna say to my parents about us.
Jason: Oh, well, I thought we'd say that we're having repeated sexual encounters out of wedlock continuously as Catholic schoolchildren are walking by.
Emily: What were you going to do, hit the man?
Richard: He went into my desk!
Emily: He was 85 years old.

[edit] In the Clamor and the Clangor

Lane: You told me the Cookie Monster was one of the Seven Deadly Sins.
Mrs. Kim: Gluttony.
Lorelai: You want me to call you at Yale in the middle of the night so I can say, "Hey, drive 20 miles to stand in the snow with Mommy"?
Rory: Yes.
Lorelai: And then we take the "Craziest Mother-Daughter" title from Judy and Liza.
Lorelai: Because he's 110!
Rory: [In disbelief] Hank's 110?
Lorelai: No.
Rory: Why would you say that?
Lorelai: Because, that's the age you say when someone is really old.
Rory: I don't.
Lorelai: Hey! I sat up with you all night when you had the chicken pox. I held your hands so that you couldn't scratch your face and scar your perfect skin. You look that way because of me.
Rory: Night, mom.
Lorelai: But, ah, the chicken pox!
Rory: Beefaroni, it's calling you!
Luke: Okay, now just hold the flashlight, do not do any moving spotlight gags and point it at me and yell "Freeze, drop your weapons."
Lorelai: [laughs] How about if I shine it on the wall and do a dirty hand puppet show?
Luke: Just stand back so the lightning only strikes you.
Luke: Well, if you have a big one you don't need a small one. [Lorelai opens her mouth to speak] Don't say 'dirty', it's too easy. Hold these. [Gives her tools]
Lane: Let's not stray too far from the coffee cart. I can barely feel my feet this morning.
Rory: The floor wasn't too comfortable, huh?
Lane: No, it was fine until Paris came home and stepped on my face. The stepping on my face wasn't too comfortable.

[edit] A Family Matter

Lorelai: Are you doing like a Mrs. Robinson thing with my mother?
Jason: Yes. I was visiting Richard one day and he stepped out and Emily lit a cigarette and did that triangle thing with her thigh.
Lorelai: Was she at the professor's again last night?
Rory: Yes, but she claims she was up all night cramming.
Lorelai: Well, she was.
Rory: Oh, ick!
Rory: That had all the tact of a Nazi stormtrooper.
Paris: I'm not denying that we've got a May-December romance going on here.
Rory: This is not May-December. This is May-Ming Dynasty.

[edit] Nag Hammadi Is Where They Found the Gnostic Gospels

Lorelai: Cold! Cold! Icy feet, stupid frozen tundra house!
Lorelai: I'm going to go make out in the coat room. Don't eat my chicken.
Rory: That's going on your tombstone.
Lorelai: If you're here, then who's this?
Rory: I don't know.
Lorelai: We have a stranger in our house!
Rory: Robert Downey Jr.?
Lorelai: Or a murderer!
Rory: Who needed a nap before committing his crime?
Lorelai: I'm sorry, are you drunk?
Luke: I am not drunk. I do not get drunk. I had some beer. Beers. More than one. A few. And then I came here and I climbed your tree.
Lorelai: Well, good thinking.
Luke: And then I fell out of your tree.
Lorelai: Hmm. Sit down.
Luke: I landed flat on my back. I felt like Kirk.
Luke: Got a handful of Barbie...
Lorelai: Hello?
Emily: It's a complete disaster!
Lorelai: My existence?
Emily: Not everything is about you, Lorelai.
Kirk: Are you ignoring me?
Miss Patty': Since you were old enough to walk, Kirk.
Luke: You talked to Liz?
Lorelai: I thought she was you.
Luke: I'm a man.
Lorelai: Well, she was in your truck.
Luke: When I'm in my truck, I'm still a man.
Rory: So who else is joining us?
Emily: No one. We brought one of Richard's coats to hang over the chair.
Richard: We're saying it's Marjorie's husband.
Emily: He's making the rounds and at about eight he'll get sick and have to leave.
Richard: Does everybody understand the story?
Lorelai: I think so. But then we'll have to hide his jacket. So I suggest I put it under my dress and pretend to be pregnant, then Jason can pretend to be the doctor, then Rory can dig a tunnel, and --
Emily: I might have known you'd turn this into something ridiculous, Lorelai.
Rory: Yeah, I wanna be the doctor.
Luke: He's a grown man with and etch-a-sketch.
Jess: Well shake him real hard, maybe he'll disappear!

[edit] The Incredible Shrinking Lorelais

Lorelai: Hi, Rory, it's me. How's school? You learning stuff? Listen, we have the horses, Desdemona and Cletus, and the first two rides have to be me and you. And hopefully, you're over the time that I took you for the pony ride, and the pony was old and just sort of stopped and laid down, and you sort of rolled off into the ditch. It's really not likely to happen again. I promise. So, call me, call me. [puts phone away as Tom walks by] Hey, Tom, how do you like our new horses?
Tom: Very fragrant
Rory: Mom, it's me, I left you a message at home, too. I love that you got horses. As far as that pony ride when I was a kid, you were forgetting one little tidbit there. That pony did not lie down. He died, okay? He died. And then the owner dragged him away by the back legs. Every time I use glue, I think of him. But I'll watch you ride, how's that? Call me back, bye.
Paris: Oh, good, you're all here, so we can clear this up. I found this lying around, and it must belong to one of you because who else would have clothing here? I ask you. [She holds up a shirt with the name Kleebold across the back.] Anyone? Anyone?
Janet: Paris.
Paris: Anyone? You know, maybe I misspoke. It may not be a shirt. Anyone lose a car cover? Anyone? Anyone?
Paris: I just don't want to walk into our bathroom and find him sitting on the john shooting up steroids.
Janet: He does not take steroids.
Paris: You mean that unsightly girth is nature given? He must curse God nightly.
Rory: He's big, Paris. She got it.
Paris: And why does he have his name written on the back? So it's easy to check when he forgets it? Although if he checks it while he's wearing it, he'd have to look in a mirror, and then he'd probably think his name was Dlobeelk, and get confused all over again.
Janet: Bitter little woman.

[edit] Scene in a Mall

Lorelai: I am sorry but you write less than the people offering to enlarge a piece of anatomy I do not possess.
Rory: I could have sworn I told you.
Lorelai: I just reread every e-mail you sent in the last 10 days. No sickness mentioned, but you did share these gems: "What up? Is it freezing there too? Ice". And, "Pooped". Then you added one of those obnoxious hieroglyphics that I can never read that indicate you're laughing or smiling or frowning or vomiting.
Rory: That's a typo. I don't do cutesy symbols.
Lorelai: You're not even using verbs. That's not a relationship. Relationships need verbs.
Rory: Yours aren't much better.

[edit] The Reigning Lorelai

[Emily's friend "Sweetie" has just passed away.]
Lorelai: Was that her real name — "Sweetie"?
Emily: No, her name was "Melinda". "Sweetie" was a nickname.
Lorelai: Why?
Emily: What do you mean, why?
Lorelai: I mean, how did they get "Sweetie" from "Melinda"?
Emily: They didn't get "Sweetie" from "Melinda". "Sweetie" is a nickname.
Lorelai: Yes, I know "Sweetie" was a nickname, but usually, a nickname comes from a version of your name, or there's a story behind the name or something.
Emily: She was sweet. That's the story.
Lorelai: Okay.
Emily: She had a very sweet nature.
Lorelai: Hmm.
Emily: Well, what kind of story did you want, Lorelai?
Lorelai: No, that's fine. She was sweet. They called her "Sweetie". It's a good story.
Emily: No, really. Exactly what kind of story about my recently departed friend would amuse you?
Lorelai: Mom, it's not to amuse me. It's…
Emily: All right, fine. Sweetie's father was a very poor man — so poor that Sweetie and her four siblings all had to sleep in a hollowed-out tree trunk because the house was only big enough for their parents. One winter, there was no food, so Sweetie crawled out of her trunk, wrapped her feet in newspaper, and walked forty miles in the snow to the nearest town, where she stumbled into a candy store. The owner took pity on her and gave her bags of candy, a dill pickle, and drove her back to her family. He promptly offered a job to her father, who gladly accepted and eventually owned that store and turned it into one of the most important candy emporiums in the world. And that is how she got the name "Sweetie". There, how was that?
Lorelai: Now, that was a pretty good story.
Emily: Of course. Eat your food.
Lorelai: [Gasps] I think one of them is still alive.
Emily: Lorelai!
Lorelai: No, seriously. He was over near the radish like five minutes ago.
Rory: Nigella just made a raisin cake that looked so good, the fact that raisins make me gag became totally irrelevant.
Lorelai: Well, good, more ordering choices.
Rory: Oh, my God, she's about to deep-fry a Bounty Bar. I want to move in with her and call her Mommy. Do you mind?
Lorelai: You know, it's so weird. I know so little about Gran. I mean, like, what was her maiden name?
Emily: Gilmore.
Lorelai: No, no, her maiden name.
Emily: Gilmore.
Lorelai: Wait. Y-you're not saying -
Emily: She and Charles were second cousins.
Lorelai: Ew! What?!
Emily: Oh, don't act so scandalized. It was not at all uncommon for prominent families to keep the bloodlines closed.
Lorelai: Keeping the bloodlines closed. Is that what we're calling it?
Emily: Well, what would you call it?
Lorelai: Oh, I don't know. How about "Good morning, Appalachia, I got a mighty cute sister and an extra set of toes."
Emily: This is to your father. It's a carbon copy of a letter she sent to your father.
Lorelai: Hmm. That's nice.
Emily: [reading] "My Dearest Richard, It is with heavy heart that I write you this letter tonight, but I cannot stand by and let you make a terrible mistake. Until now, I had thought, hoped, prayed that you would come to the same conclusion that I have. But you have not, and therefore, I feel it is my duty as your mother to beg you to reconsider your impending marriage." [Lorelai gasps.] "I'm sure that Emily is a very suitable woman for someone, but not for you. She will not be able to make you happy. She does not have the Gilmore stamina or spark. She is simply not a Gilmore."
Lorelai: Well, sure, 'cause you weren't directly related to him.
Emily: [continues reading] "I don't know the circumstances surrounding your breakup with Pennilyn Lott, but it is still my belief that she is much better suited for you than Emily." [Voice breaking] "I know that the timing of this is particularly awkward, since you are to be married tomorrow."
Lorelai: No way!
Emily: [reading] "But your happiness is too important to me, so timing be damned."
Sookie: I was just wondering if it's going to be okay to set up a buffet in the dining room.
Emily: I don't know. What do you think Pennilyn Lott would do? You think she'd set it up in the dining room? Because personally, I think we should just toss some cheese cubes in the coffin, stuff some toothpicks in her mouth, and let the people go to town.
Sookie: Is she serious?

[edit] Girls in Bikinis, Boys Doin' the Twist

Kirk: [Riding past them with ease] Well, well, well. I guess it wasn't me that was slowing things down. I guess it was my big, fat cargo.
Rory: Hey!
Kirk: Freshman 15!
Lorelai: Kirk!
Kirk: Can't wait to get my doughnut!
Lorelai: Stay away from my doughnut, Kirk! I mean it! It's my doughnut! Freak!
Luke: [Clears throat, lowers voice] I am not wearing my socks.
Lorelai: What?
Luke: I am not wearing my socks.
Lorelai: So, what are those, someone else's?
Luke: Yes.
Lorelai: What?
Luke: I am wearing someone else's socks.
Female Student: [Walking out of dorm] Is it raining?
Paris: No, it's National Baptism Day. Tie your tubes, idiot.
Rory: It's "girls gone wild," and boys doing the twist. We're not spring-breaky people, are we?
Paris: I don't know what we are, but I am so cold right now that the thought of spending a week with a bunch of drunken bimbos and rattle-headed frat boys seems like a very good trade off for being warm.
Rory: Warm...
Paris: Warm...
Rory: You're not worried, are you? Because I'm just going for the sun and to read, nothing more.
Lorelai: I know, I know. It's just, it's always the good kids who've never had a drink that take one sip of Kahlua and fall out of a window.
Rory: So you're sad you never taught me how to drink?
Lorelai: Exactly!
Rory: Well, grab a bottle and some quarters and let's go.
Lorelai: No falling out of windows.
Rory: Not even a first floor one.
Lorelai: And don't drink. And after you're done not drinking, drink tons of water and take two aspirin before you go to bed.
Madeline: We found that if we kiss each other, we can get anything we want from guys.
Louise: Free drinks, food...
Madeline: T-shirts, boat rides, Frisbees...
Louise: Earrings, Seadoos...
Rory: Okay. Well, that is a good tip.
Paris: Yeah, maybe later I'll pants you for an Altoid.
Rory: [Talking on cell phone]: Okay, forget I said "giant Q-tips." They're not hitting each other with giant Q-tips. [Referring to a couple boys fighting with Pugil sticks American Gladiator-style]
Lorelai: But now I can't get giant Q-tips out of my head. It's too powerful a visual.
Rory: I know, I'm sorry.
Lorelai: So how is it?
Rory: It's good so far.
Lorelai: Yeah, how good?
Rory: I haven't had a drink yet.
Lorelai: Ok, you sure you weren't drinking and that's why you think they're giant Q-tips?
Rory: Um... maybe.
Lorelai: What just happened?
Rory: <No response>
Lorelai: You sound distracted, did something cute just walk by?
Luke:(on Lorelai’s answering machine) Hey, it’s Luke. I’m sorry to be calling you like this, but I was wondering if when you get this message if you could come pick me up, ’cause I need a ride. I’m in Lichtfield, the corner of Mason and Pine. It’s a big white building, you’ll recognize it by the police sign outside, ’cause oh hell, I’m in jail. Okay, there, I said it. It’s a long story, I’ll tell you when you get here. Thanks, if you come. Oh, one more thing, I need to borrow a little money, 300 bucks, it’s just a loan, oh hell, it’s for my bail.


Luke: I know what they're doing. But even if you took one of those pills that they were hawking at the Super Bowl, you know, they should have been done in four or five hours, tops. I mean, that commercial said it all- "If you're still active after four hours, you should call a damn doctor."
Lorelai: Come on, why don't we --
Luke: What are they, talking? Making plans in my house? Damn son of a... [Starts kicking the car.]
Lorelai: Luke...
Luke: [continues kicking] You lying piece of sockless garbage! Why don't you take home my socks, too?

[edit] Tick, Tick, Tick, Boom!

[edit] Afterboom

Kirk: Well, your timing is perfect. The breakfast-food series just came out last week. [shows sheet to Lorelai]
Lorelai: [She gasps with delight.] Look at the dancing toast!
Kirk: Aren't they a kick? And here is our cartoon series.
Lorelai: Hey, do you have any Lucille Balls left?
Kirk: Yes, I have some Balls. [Luke looks up and reacts unnoticed.] I'm sorry. Are you a fan of the '50s-slash-mid-'60s sitcom heroines?
Lorelai: I don't know. [eager anticipation] Am I?
Kirk: I think you are.
Lorelai: Hello?
Rory: Who is this?
Lorelai: This is Lorelai Gilmore.
Rory: No, this is Lorelai Gilmore.
Lorelai: Ooh. Ghastly.
Rory: So, you have my phone.
Lorelai: Yes, you left it in the kitchen. You know what that means, don't you? You miss Mommy.
Rory: Yes, or that the refrigerator was empty, and I ordered food.
Lorelai: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Lorelai: I'll be in in a minute.
Luke: Who are you talking to?
Lorelai: My other two personalities.
[Lorelai is on the phone with both Jason and Rory at the same time.]
Lorelai: A man on a mission.
Jason: That's me.
Rory: Fire!
Lorelai: What?
Rory: Nothing. I was just feeling left out.
Lorelai: Jason's gone.
Rory: Finally had enough of you.
Lorelai: Oh, yeah. It took three hours of my hula-dancing, Small World doll impressions, but I broke him.
Rory: Have you talked to Grandma or Grandpa yet?
Lorelai: No.
Rory: Have you tried to talk to Grandma or Grandpa yet?
Lorelai: No.
Rory: That's my little Kofi Annan.
Rory: Why didn't you just tell them that you guys were dating?
Lorelai: Oh, come on. You know why. We were going to tell them when the time was right. Of course, I had no idea we were dealing with the Carringtons. All we needed was a swimming pool and some ball gowns to really end the evening right.
Rory: This is unbelievable. I leave you people alone for one hour and all hell breaks loose.
Michel: All of the woodwork was hand-carved by a union soldier that the owner, Mrs. Tinley, took pity on and nursed back to health. He got better, went off, slaughtered a few dozen Confederate soldiers, came back, and made the stairs. Nice story, yes?
Michel: Okay, let's see -- they saw the deer, we released the doves, I've got the Stevens boy whitewashing the fence in short pants and a straw hat.
Lorelai: No one can manufacture a quaint, small-town moment like you, Michel.
Michel: Awww…
Lorelai: How could he do this? How could my father just take the business from you?
Jason: Oh, no, no, no. He left me the business, but without the clients, the business consists of some stationery, a coffee maker, and some rubber pencil grips.
Lorelai: I don't understand. Why would my father do that?
Jason: Because it's brilliant. It's perfect. He gets my dad to drop the lawsuit, he makes some extra cash, and he's sitting pretty. Makes perfect sense.
Jason: Well, I have to work, and he's making it pretty impossible for me to work here. Oh, my God. I'm gonna end up in Houston.
Lorelai: Jason...
Jason: Where all the financial wash ups wash up. It's gonna be me and the Enron boys smoking cigars while their ankle cuffs beep in the background.
Richard: I haven't been in the mood to talk.
Lorelai: Well, we need to.
Richard: I felt like reading.
Lorelai: Why are you doing this, Dad?
Richard: Well, reading is good for you. You learn things.
Lane: Who does she think she is? Just walking out of my house like she owned the place.
Rory: Your mom didn't just go out and get another kid.
Lane: Korea is where you go to get new kids. Ask anyone.
Rory: There has to be another explanation.
Lane: The explanation is -- I've been replaced.
Rory: You have not been replaced.
Lane: She was wearing my bunny sweater.
Rory: You hated that bunny sweater. That's why you left it there.
Lane: She also had my second-least-favorite scarf, and she was eating my apple.
Lorelai: College is loud!
Rory: Yes, it's part of our training. It's right up there with the bad food, the sleep deprivation, and how to hold your own hair while throwing up.
Lorelai: Awww.
Lane: [calling into the kitchen] Caesar, I need a turkey burger, fries well-done, and I'm still waiting for that grilled cheese and tomato.
Caesar: Patience is a virtue.
Lane: Light a candle, and tell it to the pope. I want my grilled cheese, pronto.
Lorelai: Ugh. You know, I wonder which tact my dad's gonna pick tonight. I bet he goes with the silent treatment.
Rory: Or maybe ... he won't.
Lorelai: Yeah, you're right. He might prefer the full-on, frontal assault. You know, just constant mental flogging right from "dingdong" through till "drive safe."
Rory: Well, at least he said "drive safe."
Lorelai: Oh, no. It wasn't him. It was the maid.
Lorelai: [She stops Rory.] Okay -- wait, just wait -- we can still leave.
Rory: No.
Lorelai: Rory. Right now is the point in the horror movie where the entire audience is yelling, "Don't go in there."
Emily: We're not having dessert.
Rory: We're not?
Emily: I-I'm on a diet.